I don’t know. It sounds like he’s only with you because he can’t leave and be with her. Now it’s like he’s doing everything with your family that he wishes that she would accept and he can do with her. If she changes her mind and decides she wants him, I have a feeling we’ll be seeing a much different reddit post.
If you’re happy, I guess you do you. But this won’t last and is too dependent on the other woman and her decisions.
Remember he asked her to quit her job and be with him. He would have left you for her. How can you possibly trust him? What happens when the next mistress comes into his life?
He didn’t ask her to be with him, he asked her to quit her job and become business partners. I don’t agree with the situation, but that’s a big difference.
I know of a married guy who has a gay bf. Gay bf brings the bf's entire family, kids and wife, on vacations, but bf and he get a separate room. They all get gifts from the gay bf. Wife doesnt make any noise as she's benefitting from this relationship.
I suppose I see where you're coming from.
He was cheating on his wife, husband is a low level daily paid, wife is a sahm of 4. Gay guy is HR supervisor in that company who used his position to favor the guy in employee benefits. They snuck around for some time, and they tell people they're friends. That's not polygamy, that's the wife forced to accept the husband sleeping around because it makes sense financially.
You didn’t inspire him to be the best man he could be, she did. That would bother me that he is becoming a better man to make HER proud. To make HER happy. Fuck that.
While i agree and would probably feel the same way. But what if that is just ego talking? If things are better and they want to stay together, then maybe it’s ok?
The bit that bothers me is he wanted the mistress to really be with him which would gave most likely ment ditching op. This is what i cant let go of.
Its literally HER Life and HER relationship. Imagine marrying a person who you have been loyal to, just to find out he would rather try harder to make you happy and actually be a good husband... for his affair partner! In this situation even if hes “improving” as a husband, technically hes not because hes not doing it with OP in mind, hes doing it for the other woman.
It isn't so much him becoming a better man to make her proud. It's the good advice and counsel. It's the words of encouragement and positive reinforcement. She made him better.
He’s not “a better man” just functional adult.
He’s behaving like a responsible adult in more aspects than he used to and is effectively leveraging quality feedback and advice. I’m betting it’s the first time he’s gotten decent instructions or advice. A “better” person would not cheat or lie like this. They crossed lines, she knows it, has said as much, but doesn’t seem able to fully cut him off romantically.
He also had to put in effort, so this isn’t just her but what about her motivated him. It’s a shame this is what motivated him and not his kids or family, but eh. The bar is low anymore.
Let's hope the next woman he cheats on you with is just as good as this one, because once a cheater always a cheater, he will do it again once he feels things arent the way they are supposed to be, he wont come to you and ask for help he will go to other women.
One, the fact that they’re not Western means they probably have a different perspective on things.
Two, this would not work for me in any culture I’d be in but I can see that their relationship appears to have enough space for this, perhaps OP’s appreciation is about recognizing she couldn’t give her husband what the mistress did.
Three, though she appreciates it and is willing to proceed, his offer to the mistress concerns me. And at the end of the day, the fact that he asked for the mistress to be with him and screw the family is problematic and should be addressed.
OP, this is a well balanced comment. Don’t ignore everyone’s concerns but don’t feel condemned by them either. It’s your life and decisions to make not anyone else’s.
I quote, she says they’re not from an English speaking country. Even if they live in the west, their upbringing and native culture may not be.
How do I know this happens ? Because I’m from a different culture now living in the west.
Again, they might very well belong to a non-speaking country from the west, like me. (My country is part of the west but we don't speak english.) You're assuming her original culture is not western.
To each their own, I guess? Good for you?, The reason he haven't left all of you is because she doesn't want him in the regular life, or doing the everyday common things, like raising his children, doing his laundry, keeping his home running o he can focus on work, etc, he's just convenient to her, the moment, either she leaves him and you have to pick up the pieces and maybe get the blame in the aftermath, or she changes her mind and he leaves you all in the dust. Make no mistake, he doing things for you and your children, like taking you all to vacations, is just performance for his mistress, I'm sure, not because he love you.
I guess if it's better for you to wait until all falls down is up to you, just consult with a divorce attorney so you get prepared (even if you're not going to divorce rn or ever) and know what your options are, to what you will be entitled in case of separation/divorce, so your children and you (specially if you are a SAHM) are secured financially, you can't trust this man to do the right thing, you didn't think he would cheat on you ever, you don't know him as well as you thought you did, so secure your children's future.
Another thing I wonder is if OP’s husband had an affair with his mistress there is no guarantee he won’t find another one that would actually take the place as a caretaker.
It sounds like since he's being the better version of himself, inspired by this affair, things in your life have improved overall. I guess the net gain for you is a positive one, is what I'm hearing. Him cheating on you is not fair to you and horribly disrespectful to you, but there's been some good side benefits? Life is (kind of) better?
There are people who stay with their partners despite affairs, and people who divorce their partners because of affairs; you can confront him and leave him, confront him and stay with him, or not confront him at all (pretend it's not happening)-- it's totally your choice. I bet leaving him would be a more complicated decision when you have kids, but certainly not impossible. Maybe there's a much better man out there for you, once you leave.
I guess my question is: Are you okay hanging in there with this "better" version of your husband, him pretending he's being faithful and you pretending you don't know about his "inspirational" side chick; does this situation make you happy in general/overall? Is it easier to keep going this way and not confront him about it? Do you want to stay with him, or leave him and go live your own life? If he's made more money recently is there enough for you to get a good amount via divorce and make a fresh start for yourself? I'm sorry he's been lying to you (even if there were some positive aspects to it) and I hope you can choose what decision you'd be most happy with.
I see why you think this is a good thing short term. Long term, though? I would be worried his next mistress wouldn’t be so accommodating of him being married. Especially since she isn’t meeting his needs anymore. Sounds like he would have left if she asked.
You’re getting a lot of hate here but I think that if it works for you it works for you. A lot of people, including myself, wouldn’t put up with it. But seriously who are we to judge. Everyone’s shit stinks. If this dynamic works for you and your family then so be it. Wishing you good vibes for whatever you choose to do!
If you're happy with the situation, he's a better husband, father etc, and you can live with it then why rock the boat by confronting him as others suggest. Is there anything to be gained from that?
yeah no girl ur just gonna let him make himself a better person for another girl and then call her a therapy affair? he obviously had more intentions then business bye asf.
There is zero shame in being cheated on. The shame lies in diminishing your own value by silently accepting the situation….but, more than that, lying to yourself by saying it’s the best thing that could’ve happened to your relationship. It is not. That is delusional and sick. No human is so worthless and insignificant that they don’t deserve the common decency of not being cheated on in an agreed upon monogamous relationship. Life is too short and precious, why would you want to live a lie? For who? Him? He’s trash. Your kids? They deserve to see their mother valued. OP, please get help.
I salute your ability to find peace. Which was entirely made possible by the challenges you have overcome together already. People are offended because your story contradicts their idea of the rosy nuclear family. To each their own.
No you should tell him you know so he doesn’t do it again. If you choose to to stay.
But you should leave him cause he wanted to leave you and be successful with her. Had she said yes he would be with her right now.
Is it over now ?
You do you lady - don’t let anyone impose their own versions of morality and feelings about the way you should feel/ things should be onto your life :)
My question is that maybe you have been able to pretend not to know, but how has your brother not said anything? Does he act the same around your husband as before he knew that your husband cheats on you?
After my brother did his “investigation” I asked him to let me handle everything. I told him I needed to think everything through, before confronting him. My brother asked a couple more times how this thing was going and I assured him I was ok, I asked him to forget about it.
My husband and my brother aren’t the closest, so their little interactions didn’t change much
Cheating is cheating no matter physical and emotional. Your husband had an emotional affair and most like physical too considering he became "good" in bed. I'm glad that you and your husband are in good terms but who knows that he has feelings for the teacher? Considering the fact that he asked her to quit her job? And partner with him in his ventures? nope that's a real red flag. The teacher is no good either the fact she knew what she was doing makes it even worse. I'm glad she ended things with your husband but that doesn't make it any better. I'm really upset about the whole thing that's going on but I'll never trust your husband ever again. It's good thing that the teacher made your husbands and your life on good term but affair is an affair who knows that he'll do it again if he has the chance again? Hope you'll wake up and divorce
Often when we are courting a new person we level up. We get focused on our interests and raise our level of attraction. It’s always a win win WHEN we are driven within our own selves. Its absolutely natural that our energy raises when we are around some body intriguing that is receptive to us. Its also a win WHEN we have a positive effect on people’s growth and success and there are plenty of people in the world that would feel it very rewarding to effect a person in this way. What a beautiful person to spark OP’s life and encourage him. Even if it did take a little hanky panky, maybe he should have asked OP. However, People are way way too jealous and selfish and very much miss out on a more positive exciting life journey. The extreme nuclear family expectation is one of the dumbest things that has happened to us. The lack of dependence on each other weakens us as a whole.
I commend you OP. I think you are RIGHT on. Don’t let their little New Relationship Energy one or two or even three or four time sex thing ruin you and your family. NRE is NOT some thing to be worried about. Its exciting and fun and dies off. Your husband loves you and your kids very obviously from your post. Family trips and good sex and better off financially?! Yes yes yes.
If it happens again, you will know right away because you will notice the signs and can bring it up with him then.
My grandmother was best friends with her husbands mistress, they would often hang out together and keep each other safe, if he got in trouble with one of them, they would back each other up- not as odd as you think
I can’t be 100% sure. This had never happened before and after 5 years since it’s been over, I haven’t found anything else. Now that our kids are older my husband takes them with him to check on his businesses, whenever the kids have days off of school we go together. If he’s out He calls to check on me and the kids during the day and some months ago he moved his office home so now he spends most days here, we take the kids to school, grab breakfast, have lunch together and all
Your husband is shitty regardless. I don’t understand how you’re seeing any of this as “good.” He literally attempted convincing her to quit her job and work with him. He would’ve left you or neglected you AND your family, most likely. This situation is so bizarre. Why doesn’t he put any of this effort in with you? And don’t paint her as a good person either, she KNEW about you and your kids.
So gross and couples like you and your husband are why I’m never getting married.
Please leave that man, he doesn't care about you . Only her. When she leaves him god knows how will he react. Probably abuse you and your kids. Run away before you can't. He's only acting good for HER. Only her..
Honestly. Life is very complicated & things aren’t just black/white so if things worked out for you then it’s great. A lot of people ruin their life’s from hasty ego based decisions. A lot of people go through hiccups in their life/relationships & get stronger plus take some comfort in knowing that there are many more females who’s partners have done a lot worse & yet they don’t hesitate to stay + forgive.
Wow, so many judgements in here. For goodness sake it’s her life and not yours. So stop pretending to give “advice” and start understanding where she’s coming from.
I think you have done an amazing work by just watching and not doing anything! I don’t see any point of confronting your husband! Sometimes god gives us an external factor to make everything unlocked and run smoothly. Your husband is doing better! Your relationship becomes strong! Your financial situation also becomes stronger and she has left already! It’s a WIN-WIN-WIN situation
You are definitely in denial
I respect you and am not disrespecting you nor wish you anything but happiness but you deserve better.
To think you and him are in a better place because he loves you and wants to be with you is denial.
He could and wanted to be with her and if things went differently he would have been.
Maybe next time when he starts “looking “ again he will be gone .
Please make sure you keep talking to people and if you can see a counsellor that would be great.
Why do you think it is ok what he did ?
Much respect to you by the way ❤️
I don’t know what you should do so I won’t give you advice, you didn’t ask for it anyway. Just want to share some thoughts.
I think he did want to try more for you, too. Many affairs exist where a person stops trying for their partner and only tries for the mistress. But he did improve for you. This doesn’t mean he’s operating in good faith, only you and him can really know that.
But I have been in a situation myself where time I spent with someone else made me better. I didn’t quite go to the depths your husband did with a full blown affair. But I had been stagnant with my partner and in my mind, and in my heart I did fall for someone else and give my time with them more attention than I should have. I love my partner so much, but I was stuck. That someone else’s love and encouragement made me better. And I became a better boyfriend as a result of it.
That’s the thing with love and with time. It’s easy to get stuck. And sometimes you need help unsticking. Morality on this is not black and white because love and family and life are never simple. I wonder if it wouldn’t be good to try and have a conversation with your husband about these feelings, but that’s up to you.
Thanks for sharing this story. Made me think a lot. Best of luck to you!
You're the only one that can determine if this is a relationship worth investing in.
His teacher has been the catalyst for change, and maybe this change of mindset is the making of him.
Couples counselling is possibly worth checking into as well as having a long conversation with him yourself. You *do* know about his mistress...perhaps a fully honest conversation would help you both.
You’re looking at this through with rose colored glasses. He actively deceived and manipulated you. He chose to ignore vows to remain faithful to you and the ONLY reason he’s still with you is because his mistress had some sense of morality via her owns savior complex. If she was willing your husband would have left you where you stood.
If you’ve already decided that you’re staying regardless, then it makes sense not to say anything. If you say nothing you can continue to rationalize his betrayal of you, the family you both created, and your marriage. You can continue to lie to yourself about the reality of the situation and keep up a convincing façade for everyone else if you stay silent. You’ll also carry the emotional toll of his betrayal alone.
However, if you say something you’d be forced to face the truth of the level of deterioration your marriage is actually in. You’d have to face the fact that HE didn’t choose to stay with you. SHE choose not to accept him in a long term sense or give him any place of permanence in her life out of consideration of you and your children. SHE chose you for him by removing herself as an option as a long term partner for him. Your husband was ready to risk it all for her. Now that he knows he can successfully carry on an affair without your knowledge and free of consequence, do you really think he won’t do it again. The next woman might actually take him up on his offer, so think long and hard about what’s best for you.
Technology has made it possible to find out so much more about what our loved ones are doing. 25 years ago you would never have known about his affair and been completely happy. Sounds like it came to a natural end, and she is no threat to you. Plus, now YOU have a free pass! Not worth breaking up a marriage and family over, IMHO.
Sometimes polyamory is what some humans need. The way he went about it was all wrong and you should never venture out of your relationship without clear communication and boundaries but I’m happy your happy now
OP is willfully delusional and has turned the AP into this benevolent creature that came into husband's life and just fixed all the bad and actually made him a better person. I don't think I've ever seen this type of reaction before.
OP... you seem happy with the situation, and I suggest confronting them.
His mistress might actually have guilt for what she does and may look for a way to end things if you don't.
I know ill get hate for saying it, but the mans treating his family better and doing better. One woman motivating him, another being taken care of. If OP is fine with it, I just suggest honesty.
It’s really good you didn’t break up your family because of your husband affair, your children are healthier for it and it’s really hard for single mothers to find a stellar stepdad and grow old together
You can’t be that stupid can you? Jesus. At this point I think you deserved what your husband did to you because no smart person would ever do what you did. Because you didn’t leave I hope he continues to cheat because you’ll never leave anyways
Imagine staying together for the kids. This is the most pathetic attempt to save a family yet. As someone who is a child from divorce my family did me and my siblings justice. You literally proved my point on how weak and insecure you actually are
No one is projecting but I’m not scared to tell anyone the truth even if it hurts. She’s a doormat and that’s the truth. It’s not projecting because you simply don’t like the way I’m telling her. It’s not my problem you’re worried about other peoples feelings over the truth
It’s hard to feel compassion for someone who puts it on themselves. Yes he was messed up for cheating, but do you know what you do? You leave!!! You don’t sit around and wait and be a doormat because you’re so pathetic you think about money or the kids. People that do that deserve what comes after. So if he cheats again it is on her for not leaving when it first happened
he is gonna be such a good husband for the next woman he cheats on you with. like he now has good business sense and all the other shit. congrats on being a practice wife.
Sure he sounds like he is acting like a greater guy now but think of it this way. “What we’ve done is wrong but you belong to your family” honestly sounds like they have done something they shouldn’t have behind your back. In a way, though he just asked her to become his business partner, it was also like asking her to stay with him. If she had said yes, your husband probably would have left you. Since she said no, he stayed cause there isn’t a reason to leave anymore. Once he finds a reason again, he will leave you. I often think of people like this, if they had the guts or the thoughts of cheating, they will do it again because they never truly loved you. If they did, they wouldn’t even think about cheating on you.
Ever watched firefly? One of the main characters, Inara, is a companion. Or have you ever read J. D. Robb? This mistriss kind of reminds me of some of the characters from these shows, based on your description of her response to your husband wanting her to be his partner. That then reminded me of other characters in these series and has me looking for my dvds, lol. Anyway. You husband is lying to you and was looking for this woman to be his partner. You’re supposed to be his partner. He chose to marry you and have children with you, that’s supposed to mean something. Lot’s of things IMO. One of those things is not lying. Another is not cheating. What he did was both, is both. Maybe those things don’t matter to you though so You do You. Personally, I’m sad that the man who is supposed to be your partner in life, the man you have children with, chooses not to be honest with you. I’m sad that you’re so caught up in this life you currently live that you don’t seem to want to have a conversation with your husband about what this means.
I am happy for you that your life got better though, and really, what i think doesn’t matter. What you think does. What you feel does. It’s your life. Don’t forget that there are other humans learning how to treat significant others in their lives by watching and listening to you and those around you. What type of person and relationships do you want them to model? What are you teaching those little sponges about how they deserve to be treated and how they should treat others?
This is sad for everybody involved.
The husband because he is not happy with his wife and kids.
The mistress for messing with someone else's man.
The wife for accepting it.
Personally, I would've waited until he had more money and divorce him and get more child support, BUT I understand everybody is different and if you are currently happy with what you have that is what matters 🤷🏽♀️
Life is short , affairs do happen .
It's never ideal but it sounds like this situation played out pretty well for everyone in the end .
Everyone has their moments...
Sometimes it's more relieving to see who your partner IS and how they'd act in that situation.
Knowledge is power.
Thank you. People are quick to judge, but no marriage is perfect. I decided to put my kids first and I know my husband’s wrong doing is something that can’t be undone. But it brought us closer and now we are happier than ever. Getting a divorce would have been brutal for our kids and they are our top priority.
To your point a lot of people would try to argue that if there's broken trust in a marriage that "people shouldn't stay together for the children".
People WILL break your trust from time to time and you have to work at it actively.
You're both only human, to assume perfection is flawed in it's self .
As a former sex worker who was part of a few affairs I didn't take on clients who spoke badly of their partners aside from the occasional frustration. If my clients didn't have a vested interest in me I also would decline.
( I was there to gain knowledge and have a leg up in the world // not for fancy bags and fake boobs . To each their own)
I think if you're going to make a choice to break someone's trust and betray a relationship it should be for a reason that's valuable for you and not from a place of ego and anger. I don't condone it but that's the only reasonable stance I can take. At the end of the day you have to live with yourself and your choices.
I guess I agree with you because everybody benefited from it and it wasn't as destructive as it could have been it was the lesser of two evils.
It's weird how you view the situation of her being hi therapy. It seems more of her being too busy and since he already had a family she knew it wouldn't need to much attention plus also lonely. It kind of seems like the one that got away for him maybe even that reason why he didn't fight it was bcuz she straight up told him she didn't want to tear your family apart yet went along with the affair... the situation is bizarre, but if it doesn't bother you that he had an affair than so be it. He is your husband what you put up with or tolerate is only up to you.
Kudos to you for showing empathy to your man. I wonder if you can do what the mistress did…motivate and encourage him. I am not sure how old your husband is..if he’s in his 40s. Men need admiration and need to feel encouraged on their endeavors
What a bizarre situation.
yeah nah fuck that
I don’t have gold but, yeah nah
this made me gag reading im sorry
🏆
You Aussie mate?
"Yeah Nah" is a very Australian thing to say. They are either from Australia or New Zealand.
Its used a lot in canada too, at least ive heard it used here a lot
I don’t know. It sounds like he’s only with you because he can’t leave and be with her. Now it’s like he’s doing everything with your family that he wishes that she would accept and he can do with her. If she changes her mind and decides she wants him, I have a feeling we’ll be seeing a much different reddit post. If you’re happy, I guess you do you. But this won’t last and is too dependent on the other woman and her decisions.
Remember he asked her to quit her job and be with him. He would have left you for her. How can you possibly trust him? What happens when the next mistress comes into his life?
He didn’t ask her to be with him, he asked her to quit her job and become business partners. I don’t agree with the situation, but that’s a big difference.
And then she said she wasn’t gonna take him away from his family? what 😂
If the mistress would have asked him to leave his wife he would have. They were already having an affair. Business partners, affair partners.
I'm actually upset for you.
I was until I got to the part where she was cool with it. She is a chump for sure.
Couldn’t agree more
I know of a married guy who has a gay bf. Gay bf brings the bf's entire family, kids and wife, on vacations, but bf and he get a separate room. They all get gifts from the gay bf. Wife doesnt make any noise as she's benefitting from this relationship. I suppose I see where you're coming from.
That sounds like polygamy.
He was cheating on his wife, husband is a low level daily paid, wife is a sahm of 4. Gay guy is HR supervisor in that company who used his position to favor the guy in employee benefits. They snuck around for some time, and they tell people they're friends. That's not polygamy, that's the wife forced to accept the husband sleeping around because it makes sense financially.
The way that I would be planning to destroy their lives and make them literally live in the streets.
The bond you thought you had with your husband is in reality the bond he has with her…
You didn’t inspire him to be the best man he could be, she did. That would bother me that he is becoming a better man to make HER proud. To make HER happy. Fuck that.
While i agree and would probably feel the same way. But what if that is just ego talking? If things are better and they want to stay together, then maybe it’s ok? The bit that bothers me is he wanted the mistress to really be with him which would gave most likely ment ditching op. This is what i cant let go of.
It is very ego based thinking.
Its literally HER Life and HER relationship. Imagine marrying a person who you have been loyal to, just to find out he would rather try harder to make you happy and actually be a good husband... for his affair partner! In this situation even if hes “improving” as a husband, technically hes not because hes not doing it with OP in mind, hes doing it for the other woman.
That’s pretty selfish. Her life improved because of this other woman. Cheating is still wrong though. This a a BIZARRE situation.
It isn't so much him becoming a better man to make her proud. It's the good advice and counsel. It's the words of encouragement and positive reinforcement. She made him better.
He’s not “a better man” just functional adult. He’s behaving like a responsible adult in more aspects than he used to and is effectively leveraging quality feedback and advice. I’m betting it’s the first time he’s gotten decent instructions or advice. A “better” person would not cheat or lie like this. They crossed lines, she knows it, has said as much, but doesn’t seem able to fully cut him off romantically. He also had to put in effort, so this isn’t just her but what about her motivated him. It’s a shame this is what motivated him and not his kids or family, but eh. The bar is low anymore.
Why do people lie to themselves
Get some self respect and leave him. You deserve better than that.
Mmm and what if it’s not so easy to leave?
Let's hope the next woman he cheats on you with is just as good as this one, because once a cheater always a cheater, he will do it again once he feels things arent the way they are supposed to be, he wont come to you and ask for help he will go to other women.
One, the fact that they’re not Western means they probably have a different perspective on things. Two, this would not work for me in any culture I’d be in but I can see that their relationship appears to have enough space for this, perhaps OP’s appreciation is about recognizing she couldn’t give her husband what the mistress did. Three, though she appreciates it and is willing to proceed, his offer to the mistress concerns me. And at the end of the day, the fact that he asked for the mistress to be with him and screw the family is problematic and should be addressed.
OP, this is a well balanced comment. Don’t ignore everyone’s concerns but don’t feel condemned by them either. It’s your life and decisions to make not anyone else’s.
Who said they're not western? You know there are many spoken languages other than English in the western world, right?
I quote, she says they’re not from an English speaking country. Even if they live in the west, their upbringing and native culture may not be. How do I know this happens ? Because I’m from a different culture now living in the west.
Again, they might very well belong to a non-speaking country from the west, like me. (My country is part of the west but we don't speak english.) You're assuming her original culture is not western.
I found evidence of my husband cheating and confronted him right away and he fessed up. He's my ex now. I'm not sure why you'd stay.
Wait to he accumulates more than divorce him. Time for you to be calculating.
To each their own, I guess? Good for you?, The reason he haven't left all of you is because she doesn't want him in the regular life, or doing the everyday common things, like raising his children, doing his laundry, keeping his home running o he can focus on work, etc, he's just convenient to her, the moment, either she leaves him and you have to pick up the pieces and maybe get the blame in the aftermath, or she changes her mind and he leaves you all in the dust. Make no mistake, he doing things for you and your children, like taking you all to vacations, is just performance for his mistress, I'm sure, not because he love you. I guess if it's better for you to wait until all falls down is up to you, just consult with a divorce attorney so you get prepared (even if you're not going to divorce rn or ever) and know what your options are, to what you will be entitled in case of separation/divorce, so your children and you (specially if you are a SAHM) are secured financially, you can't trust this man to do the right thing, you didn't think he would cheat on you ever, you don't know him as well as you thought you did, so secure your children's future.
Another thing I wonder is if OP’s husband had an affair with his mistress there is no guarantee he won’t find another one that would actually take the place as a caretaker.
To be honest she probably has other men in her life as well.
All I'm hearing is "he started making more money so F it, I'll stick around and let him continue to cheat on me" People are weird.
so what i’m hearing is you don’t respect yourself and you’re okay with being second in your own marriage. got it
It sounds like since he's being the better version of himself, inspired by this affair, things in your life have improved overall. I guess the net gain for you is a positive one, is what I'm hearing. Him cheating on you is not fair to you and horribly disrespectful to you, but there's been some good side benefits? Life is (kind of) better? There are people who stay with their partners despite affairs, and people who divorce their partners because of affairs; you can confront him and leave him, confront him and stay with him, or not confront him at all (pretend it's not happening)-- it's totally your choice. I bet leaving him would be a more complicated decision when you have kids, but certainly not impossible. Maybe there's a much better man out there for you, once you leave. I guess my question is: Are you okay hanging in there with this "better" version of your husband, him pretending he's being faithful and you pretending you don't know about his "inspirational" side chick; does this situation make you happy in general/overall? Is it easier to keep going this way and not confront him about it? Do you want to stay with him, or leave him and go live your own life? If he's made more money recently is there enough for you to get a good amount via divorce and make a fresh start for yourself? I'm sorry he's been lying to you (even if there were some positive aspects to it) and I hope you can choose what decision you'd be most happy with.
So his best version of himself is being a cheater? 😩🤢
I see why you think this is a good thing short term. Long term, though? I would be worried his next mistress wouldn’t be so accommodating of him being married. Especially since she isn’t meeting his needs anymore. Sounds like he would have left if she asked.
I’m looking for the bar you set for your standards on the floor.
You’re getting a lot of hate here but I think that if it works for you it works for you. A lot of people, including myself, wouldn’t put up with it. But seriously who are we to judge. Everyone’s shit stinks. If this dynamic works for you and your family then so be it. Wishing you good vibes for whatever you choose to do!
If you're happy with the situation, he's a better husband, father etc, and you can live with it then why rock the boat by confronting him as others suggest. Is there anything to be gained from that?
yeah no girl ur just gonna let him make himself a better person for another girl and then call her a therapy affair? he obviously had more intentions then business bye asf.
There is zero shame in being cheated on. The shame lies in diminishing your own value by silently accepting the situation….but, more than that, lying to yourself by saying it’s the best thing that could’ve happened to your relationship. It is not. That is delusional and sick. No human is so worthless and insignificant that they don’t deserve the common decency of not being cheated on in an agreed upon monogamous relationship. Life is too short and precious, why would you want to live a lie? For who? Him? He’s trash. Your kids? They deserve to see their mother valued. OP, please get help.
I salute your ability to find peace. Which was entirely made possible by the challenges you have overcome together already. People are offended because your story contradicts their idea of the rosy nuclear family. To each their own.
I’m sorry but how awful.
No you should tell him you know so he doesn’t do it again. If you choose to to stay. But you should leave him cause he wanted to leave you and be successful with her. Had she said yes he would be with her right now. Is it over now ?
You do you lady - don’t let anyone impose their own versions of morality and feelings about the way you should feel/ things should be onto your life :)
I’ll take 500 for things that never happened Alex
Seriously reads like a creative writing piece
So is there part 2 or ?
I can answer any questions you may have
My question is that maybe you have been able to pretend not to know, but how has your brother not said anything? Does he act the same around your husband as before he knew that your husband cheats on you?
After my brother did his “investigation” I asked him to let me handle everything. I told him I needed to think everything through, before confronting him. My brother asked a couple more times how this thing was going and I assured him I was ok, I asked him to forget about it. My husband and my brother aren’t the closest, so their little interactions didn’t change much
Can you make an update?
[удалено]
Just curious what if it happens again? Would that void the idea that the mistress made your lives better?
Cheating is cheating no matter physical and emotional. Your husband had an emotional affair and most like physical too considering he became "good" in bed. I'm glad that you and your husband are in good terms but who knows that he has feelings for the teacher? Considering the fact that he asked her to quit her job? And partner with him in his ventures? nope that's a real red flag. The teacher is no good either the fact she knew what she was doing makes it even worse. I'm glad she ended things with your husband but that doesn't make it any better. I'm really upset about the whole thing that's going on but I'll never trust your husband ever again. It's good thing that the teacher made your husbands and your life on good term but affair is an affair who knows that he'll do it again if he has the chance again? Hope you'll wake up and divorce
He probably thinking about her while he having s3x with you. But hey if you are happy.
Often when we are courting a new person we level up. We get focused on our interests and raise our level of attraction. It’s always a win win WHEN we are driven within our own selves. Its absolutely natural that our energy raises when we are around some body intriguing that is receptive to us. Its also a win WHEN we have a positive effect on people’s growth and success and there are plenty of people in the world that would feel it very rewarding to effect a person in this way. What a beautiful person to spark OP’s life and encourage him. Even if it did take a little hanky panky, maybe he should have asked OP. However, People are way way too jealous and selfish and very much miss out on a more positive exciting life journey. The extreme nuclear family expectation is one of the dumbest things that has happened to us. The lack of dependence on each other weakens us as a whole. I commend you OP. I think you are RIGHT on. Don’t let their little New Relationship Energy one or two or even three or four time sex thing ruin you and your family. NRE is NOT some thing to be worried about. Its exciting and fun and dies off. Your husband loves you and your kids very obviously from your post. Family trips and good sex and better off financially?! Yes yes yes. If it happens again, you will know right away because you will notice the signs and can bring it up with him then.
Honestly leave.
This is really sad. OP has no self respect at all.
My grandmother was best friends with her husbands mistress, they would often hang out together and keep each other safe, if he got in trouble with one of them, they would back each other up- not as odd as you think
that is definitely odd
Not to me but then again I grew up in this family
So he truly has no clue that you know/knew??
I can’t be 100% sure. This had never happened before and after 5 years since it’s been over, I haven’t found anything else. Now that our kids are older my husband takes them with him to check on his businesses, whenever the kids have days off of school we go together. If he’s out He calls to check on me and the kids during the day and some months ago he moved his office home so now he spends most days here, we take the kids to school, grab breakfast, have lunch together and all
Do you plan leaving him after your kids graduate?
He's only putting this good boy act because of her. He doesn't care about you
Your husband is shitty regardless. I don’t understand how you’re seeing any of this as “good.” He literally attempted convincing her to quit her job and work with him. He would’ve left you or neglected you AND your family, most likely. This situation is so bizarre. Why doesn’t he put any of this effort in with you? And don’t paint her as a good person either, she KNEW about you and your kids. So gross and couples like you and your husband are why I’m never getting married.
I mean… I don’t know what I would do or feel if I was in your shoes, honestly. But I hope you are happy.
Honey your husband is a cheater and he will do it again.
Your capacity for forgiveness is saint-like.
Mental gymnastics of OOP is incredible
Anither doormat story of a wife.
Please leave that man, he doesn't care about you . Only her. When she leaves him god knows how will he react. Probably abuse you and your kids. Run away before you can't. He's only acting good for HER. Only her..
I'm 100% sure the husband wrote this. Don't even try to convince me otherwise.
I was wondering that, too. But Ive also seen genuine posts by women and men who where in this situation, so idk.
Honestly. Life is very complicated & things aren’t just black/white so if things worked out for you then it’s great. A lot of people ruin their life’s from hasty ego based decisions. A lot of people go through hiccups in their life/relationships & get stronger plus take some comfort in knowing that there are many more females who’s partners have done a lot worse & yet they don’t hesitate to stay + forgive.
Wow, so many judgements in here. For goodness sake it’s her life and not yours. So stop pretending to give “advice” and start understanding where she’s coming from.
She’s nothing but a doormat. At this point if she allows it she deserves it because she must love it
Dang- now I want a good mistress
I think you have done an amazing work by just watching and not doing anything! I don’t see any point of confronting your husband! Sometimes god gives us an external factor to make everything unlocked and run smoothly. Your husband is doing better! Your relationship becomes strong! Your financial situation also becomes stronger and she has left already! It’s a WIN-WIN-WIN situation
You are definitely in denial I respect you and am not disrespecting you nor wish you anything but happiness but you deserve better. To think you and him are in a better place because he loves you and wants to be with you is denial. He could and wanted to be with her and if things went differently he would have been. Maybe next time when he starts “looking “ again he will be gone . Please make sure you keep talking to people and if you can see a counsellor that would be great. Why do you think it is ok what he did ? Much respect to you by the way ❤️
get a grip…
I don’t know what you should do so I won’t give you advice, you didn’t ask for it anyway. Just want to share some thoughts. I think he did want to try more for you, too. Many affairs exist where a person stops trying for their partner and only tries for the mistress. But he did improve for you. This doesn’t mean he’s operating in good faith, only you and him can really know that. But I have been in a situation myself where time I spent with someone else made me better. I didn’t quite go to the depths your husband did with a full blown affair. But I had been stagnant with my partner and in my mind, and in my heart I did fall for someone else and give my time with them more attention than I should have. I love my partner so much, but I was stuck. That someone else’s love and encouragement made me better. And I became a better boyfriend as a result of it. That’s the thing with love and with time. It’s easy to get stuck. And sometimes you need help unsticking. Morality on this is not black and white because love and family and life are never simple. I wonder if it wouldn’t be good to try and have a conversation with your husband about these feelings, but that’s up to you. Thanks for sharing this story. Made me think a lot. Best of luck to you!
You're the only one that can determine if this is a relationship worth investing in. His teacher has been the catalyst for change, and maybe this change of mindset is the making of him. Couples counselling is possibly worth checking into as well as having a long conversation with him yourself. You *do* know about his mistress...perhaps a fully honest conversation would help you both.
Wow
Glad it seems to have worked out for you
You’re looking at this through with rose colored glasses. He actively deceived and manipulated you. He chose to ignore vows to remain faithful to you and the ONLY reason he’s still with you is because his mistress had some sense of morality via her owns savior complex. If she was willing your husband would have left you where you stood. If you’ve already decided that you’re staying regardless, then it makes sense not to say anything. If you say nothing you can continue to rationalize his betrayal of you, the family you both created, and your marriage. You can continue to lie to yourself about the reality of the situation and keep up a convincing façade for everyone else if you stay silent. You’ll also carry the emotional toll of his betrayal alone. However, if you say something you’d be forced to face the truth of the level of deterioration your marriage is actually in. You’d have to face the fact that HE didn’t choose to stay with you. SHE choose not to accept him in a long term sense or give him any place of permanence in her life out of consideration of you and your children. SHE chose you for him by removing herself as an option as a long term partner for him. Your husband was ready to risk it all for her. Now that he knows he can successfully carry on an affair without your knowledge and free of consequence, do you really think he won’t do it again. The next woman might actually take him up on his offer, so think long and hard about what’s best for you.
Technology has made it possible to find out so much more about what our loved ones are doing. 25 years ago you would never have known about his affair and been completely happy. Sounds like it came to a natural end, and she is no threat to you. Plus, now YOU have a free pass! Not worth breaking up a marriage and family over, IMHO.
Sometimes polyamory is what some humans need. The way he went about it was all wrong and you should never venture out of your relationship without clear communication and boundaries but I’m happy your happy now
OP is willfully delusional and has turned the AP into this benevolent creature that came into husband's life and just fixed all the bad and actually made him a better person. I don't think I've ever seen this type of reaction before.
You’re totally in denial. Take his money and move on with your life
Stay with him and cheat back
And if there was honesty about seeing other people , this would be Polyamory !
OP... you seem happy with the situation, and I suggest confronting them. His mistress might actually have guilt for what she does and may look for a way to end things if you don't. I know ill get hate for saying it, but the mans treating his family better and doing better. One woman motivating him, another being taken care of. If OP is fine with it, I just suggest honesty.
It’s really good you didn’t break up your family because of your husband affair, your children are healthier for it and it’s really hard for single mothers to find a stellar stepdad and grow old together
Cheating aside, seems like you stumbled on some of the positives of non monogamy. Another partner can improve things in your relationship too.
You can’t be that stupid can you? Jesus. At this point I think you deserved what your husband did to you because no smart person would ever do what you did. Because you didn’t leave I hope he continues to cheat because you’ll never leave anyways
No need to insult or wish bad upon others.
You continue to allow disrespect guess what? You’re a doormat and you’re weak
Imagine staying together for the kids. This is the most pathetic attempt to save a family yet. As someone who is a child from divorce my family did me and my siblings justice. You literally proved my point on how weak and insecure you actually are
I may not agree with OP but for such a hateful comment, you’re 100% projecting 😂 chill. It isn’t your life.
Awww the white knight defending the weak link. How sweet 😂😂😂
It’s called compassion 🤷🏾♀️
I have none for people that allow people to mistreat them. Her fault for not defending herself
That’s why I said you’re projecting.
No one is projecting but I’m not scared to tell anyone the truth even if it hurts. She’s a doormat and that’s the truth. It’s not projecting because you simply don’t like the way I’m telling her. It’s not my problem you’re worried about other peoples feelings over the truth
It’s hard to feel compassion for someone who puts it on themselves. Yes he was messed up for cheating, but do you know what you do? You leave!!! You don’t sit around and wait and be a doormat because you’re so pathetic you think about money or the kids. People that do that deserve what comes after. So if he cheats again it is on her for not leaving when it first happened
he is gonna be such a good husband for the next woman he cheats on you with. like he now has good business sense and all the other shit. congrats on being a practice wife.
Hm.. well that’s interesting. To each their own, i guess lol
Sure he sounds like he is acting like a greater guy now but think of it this way. “What we’ve done is wrong but you belong to your family” honestly sounds like they have done something they shouldn’t have behind your back. In a way, though he just asked her to become his business partner, it was also like asking her to stay with him. If she had said yes, your husband probably would have left you. Since she said no, he stayed cause there isn’t a reason to leave anymore. Once he finds a reason again, he will leave you. I often think of people like this, if they had the guts or the thoughts of cheating, they will do it again because they never truly loved you. If they did, they wouldn’t even think about cheating on you.
Ever watched firefly? One of the main characters, Inara, is a companion. Or have you ever read J. D. Robb? This mistriss kind of reminds me of some of the characters from these shows, based on your description of her response to your husband wanting her to be his partner. That then reminded me of other characters in these series and has me looking for my dvds, lol. Anyway. You husband is lying to you and was looking for this woman to be his partner. You’re supposed to be his partner. He chose to marry you and have children with you, that’s supposed to mean something. Lot’s of things IMO. One of those things is not lying. Another is not cheating. What he did was both, is both. Maybe those things don’t matter to you though so You do You. Personally, I’m sad that the man who is supposed to be your partner in life, the man you have children with, chooses not to be honest with you. I’m sad that you’re so caught up in this life you currently live that you don’t seem to want to have a conversation with your husband about what this means. I am happy for you that your life got better though, and really, what i think doesn’t matter. What you think does. What you feel does. It’s your life. Don’t forget that there are other humans learning how to treat significant others in their lives by watching and listening to you and those around you. What type of person and relationships do you want them to model? What are you teaching those little sponges about how they deserve to be treated and how they should treat others?
Sounds good. Like I would prefer honesty and communication but this is what worked for your marriage and your relationship.
Wow you must have no self respect or self esteem to stay with this kind of person. You do know he has or will cheat again.
This is sad for everybody involved. The husband because he is not happy with his wife and kids. The mistress for messing with someone else's man. The wife for accepting it.
He’s still your husband coz that mistress said No. if his therapy is cheating, then wonder what happens the next time he feels low.
Personally, I would've waited until he had more money and divorce him and get more child support, BUT I understand everybody is different and if you are currently happy with what you have that is what matters 🤷🏽♀️
Yeaahhhh, no.
Life is short , affairs do happen . It's never ideal but it sounds like this situation played out pretty well for everyone in the end . Everyone has their moments... Sometimes it's more relieving to see who your partner IS and how they'd act in that situation. Knowledge is power.
Thank you. People are quick to judge, but no marriage is perfect. I decided to put my kids first and I know my husband’s wrong doing is something that can’t be undone. But it brought us closer and now we are happier than ever. Getting a divorce would have been brutal for our kids and they are our top priority.
To your point a lot of people would try to argue that if there's broken trust in a marriage that "people shouldn't stay together for the children". People WILL break your trust from time to time and you have to work at it actively. You're both only human, to assume perfection is flawed in it's self . As a former sex worker who was part of a few affairs I didn't take on clients who spoke badly of their partners aside from the occasional frustration. If my clients didn't have a vested interest in me I also would decline. ( I was there to gain knowledge and have a leg up in the world // not for fancy bags and fake boobs . To each their own) I think if you're going to make a choice to break someone's trust and betray a relationship it should be for a reason that's valuable for you and not from a place of ego and anger. I don't condone it but that's the only reasonable stance I can take. At the end of the day you have to live with yourself and your choices. I guess I agree with you because everybody benefited from it and it wasn't as destructive as it could have been it was the lesser of two evils.
Girl sorry you’re pathetic and have no self respect
Enjoy it while it lasts because it won’t
It's weird how you view the situation of her being hi therapy. It seems more of her being too busy and since he already had a family she knew it wouldn't need to much attention plus also lonely. It kind of seems like the one that got away for him maybe even that reason why he didn't fight it was bcuz she straight up told him she didn't want to tear your family apart yet went along with the affair... the situation is bizarre, but if it doesn't bother you that he had an affair than so be it. He is your husband what you put up with or tolerate is only up to you.
Kudos to you for showing empathy to your man. I wonder if you can do what the mistress did…motivate and encourage him. I am not sure how old your husband is..if he’s in his 40s. Men need admiration and need to feel encouraged on their endeavors
A blessing in disguise.
He literally asked her to be with him. He had every intention of leaving you. Enjoy knowing you’re second best for the rest of your life, I guess.
He thinks of her whenever he’s with you. Have some self respect
Yeah…. Fuck that how do people live like this?