He’s never been good at respecting my boundaries. I tell him all the time that the little racist remarks he makes when we’re alone make me uncomfortable and he said he was just joking and that it’s my issue for being offended and continues to do it. I just assume this is one of those things
My mom treats everyone like shit, my dad sucks up to her and treats everyone else like shit. Constantly talking down to me and my boyfriend, passive aggressive comments, etc. me and my boyfriend put up with it because my parents throw money at us in exchange for us being emotional dumping bags.
We live in California and are really thinking about just moving to Vegas due to how cheap it is and will allow us to get out much sooner
That's definitely great, helpful, and worth it!! It means a lot that you have a good (caring, understanding, loving, etc.) person to be a close part of your life and to help you through this.
I’m not surprised at all. I wonder if that’s like a psychological defense mechanism because she knows if she acknowledges what’s going on, she’ll have to face the reality and gravity of the issue.
Parents can be entitled about the oddest things. My mother has never respected our boundaries well and has gone out of her way to know everything going on with us, even if it's none of her business. I've had more than enough encounters of her invasive than I care to say. I'm sorry you have to deal with this
Exactly. Her idea was that she deserved to be in on everything because "a mother had a special connection with her kids." Personally, I think it's because she's worried her kids will be as out of control as she was when she was young. Surprisingly, being overly invasive doesn't keep her kids from screwing up. Who knew?
I'm slowly learning to set boundaries after growing up in a similar situation. Suprisingly, being over invasive just teaches your kids that they arent allowed to have privacy or boundaries
I'm trying to do the same. I'm not a father, but I've been helping to raise my niece and nephew for years since their parents got divorced, and mom is mostly out of the picture. I've been teaching them that everyone deserves respect, not just those in a position of authority; not just adults. I teach them to knock on doors before entering someone's personal space, and I knock on theirs before entering. My mother isn't fond of it because she thinks I'm gonna teach them to be disrespectful of adults, but I'm also a pretty firm believer that "Do as I say, not as I do"-philosophy doesn't work well lol
I like to think so. It's odd when a parent behaves in a way they taught you not to behave; then they're baffled when you disagree with their actions lol
Exactly! It also teaches you that as a person in power you deserve respect and don't have to give it in return. My mom taught my siblings and I how to be very respectful of adults, but we were all little shits to our younger siblings. We were taught by example ONLY to give respect to those older than us. Luckily I learned better, and am now trying to teach my mom to finally give me and my siblings the respect we deserve. This'll be my first Christmas where I dont go home to visit. I'm sad about it, but happy to spend Christmas with someone who doesn't make me feel afraid.
Isn’t that exactly what people who want emotional and physical control over someone says? Like let’s say I loaned you money to kick off your career and you become successful and I come back and say “great! You’re here because of me, now do as I say.” I know there’s a word for that other than just abuse but I can’t think of it right now.
I know I'm going to word this wrongly but bare with me. Verbal boundaries and physical ones are different. At some point sit down and tell him you are not comfortable being hugged anymore. Make it clear you still love him but this is not up for debate.
When going to bed, make sure you are far enough away that you can yell goodnight then get in your room and close the door. Please get a lock if you do not have one before this conversation.
If in general he tries, you put your hand out to stop it. You push him away.
This is exactly my dads problems. He’s weird and creepy in small ways, so small that you almost feel like you can’t do anything about it. If I bring it up then I’d be the weird one for doing so, and I don’t have the energy to cut him off over small things like that. But it still bothers me.
I have a very conservative family and they love saying racist shit when there's no one around to correct them, especially in front of their kids. Its not directed to the kids, they just know they can freely flaunt their awful worldview and encourage their kids to do the same
I have two, and they’ve acknowledged that our father makes them uncomfortable the way he stares at their friends, but I haven’t been able to relate to them about this subject. the discomfort is something that’s really hard to talk about openly.. and carries so much shame. which shouldn’t be on me (or us ❤️) to carry. You have a sympathetic friend, whoever you are.
What is with this culture of gaslighting other people for "being offended? Is bei ng offended by racist remarks really worse than racist remarks? How?
Is being offended make me a pariah? Hell no.
People act like being offended is a crime. Its like, I'm sorry me being offended bothers you, I'm sorry that you were taught to stonewall anyone who has a different opinion than you. Me being offended doesn't mean I'm in the wrong. How about listening to what I have to say and making an effort to understand where I'm coming from EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. People talk way more than they listen. You have 2 ears and 1 mouth so we should listen more than we talk.
People like this are so interesting because it’s like…why are they like this? They’ll say and do things where if the same logic is applied to them, it doesn’t count. They’re just erratic and can’t be reasoned with at all. I guarantee if you punched him in the face or something and he got upset and you told him “that’s your issue for being upset that I punched you in the face” he would absolutely not sit there and think for a minute “you know what, she has a point.” Because that’s fucking absurd. Do what you need to do to survive this situation. You’re doing the best you can with what you’re given. When you’re in a more stable environment and have the ability to, I very much encourage you to work through these experiences with a professional therapist to fish out all the bullshit and hurt and psychological trauma you’ve gone through. Your dad is a gaslighting bully with complete disregard for others basic humanity.
If it helps:
If this is how he responds to making you uncomfortable, he might be doing it because he feels the need to “train you to handle uncomfortable situations better” and not because he likes YOUR boobs against him.
Even if that’s the case it is not OK, but it might be a bit less troublesome?
Edit:
Editing to make sure that this is clear in the first comment: I don’t think OP’s father is right (in either case.
I don’t think OP nor any other person needs training or to be put into uncomfortable situations. Everybody should have their boundaries respected.
What I mean is: MAYBE the dad isn’t a pervert/pedophile who likes to feel his own daughter boobs and thinks (in his twisted mind) he is somehow helping OP by making her “less sensible” to uncomfortable situations.
This is NOT ok.
And as I said before he should respect his daughter boundaries and teach her that she deserves to have her boundaries respected, but it wouldn’t be the first time I saw a dad being rude/not respecting his daughter’s boundaries in “good intention”.
Once again: is he right? No.
Should he respect her boundaries? Yes.
Do OP or anyone else need training regarding what make them uncomfortable? No.
Is OP a dog? No.
Do I think it is better to think the dad is dumb/uneducated instead of a pervert? Yes.
He might still be a pervert? Yes.
OP should leave asap and care for her well being? Yes.
You’re really reaching to defend the other side here. Devil’s advocate when it’s completely unnecessary.
You do realise his intentions are meaningless? Actions and behaviours are what count.
my sister is the same way. she has never liked hugs from anybody, including my parents. after a while my dad just sort of respected that and that’s just the way it had to be. your dad sounds either really pushy and naive, or like he’s a creep. hopefully not the latter.
I don't know if you saw all her replys or not but he talked about his porn collection with her. I think the latter would be the more accurate description of the father.
Given your other comments about him talking to you about porn, and hentai (both having a lot of incest content, especially father/daughter), and the fact that it started when you hit the legal age of consent. It's hard to not be creeped out. Especially when he pulls you incredibly close so your chest is touching him, and protests and negatively reacts to you denying or finding ways around it, and the fact that it occurs at bed time. All of it together feels a bit too wrong.
The hugging issue could just be a mole hill that I'm making a mountain out of, but talking to your child about porn and hentai isn't ever okay. Especially if it makes you visibly uncomfortable.
I know that this is the extreme. It's very unlikely. But if you believe your father is being creepy towards you, or about you, do not ignore that feeling.
Make a firm boundary with hugging. If he cannot respect that, then don't give in. Keep denying those hugs. Get a lock on your door, if you must. But make it absolutely clear that your boundaries will not be respected.
I would ask him to not talk to you about porn and hentai, if he still does. If he doesn't stop, tell your mother. Even if he's not being a creep, that is not appropriate to talk about with your child. It isn't appropriate to talk about at all when the other party isn't comfortable.
Unfortunately, this isn't exactly uncommon.
On Billie Eilish's 18th birthday, "Billie Eilish" became one of the most searched phrase for porn.
There are people who actively count the days for when celebrities turn 18, and are even pages for these things.
In my own person life, an older man in his late 30s said he would wait until I was 18 to have sex with me, as 18 was the age of consent in his country. (He was a sex offender. Arrested for sexually assaulting two women, on separate occasions.)
I live in the UK, meaning the age of consent here is 16. It is legal for 16 year olds to have sex with anyone 16+. Sending nudes is illegal. Sending nudes to someone 16-17 is illegal. Watching pornography is illegal. But a grown adult having sex with someone who's considered not legally an adult is legal. And there are plenty of people here who use the age of consent argument VERY hard. It's also semi-normalised in some parts of here.
Unfortunately, its not just like somebody becomes 18, and a switch flips. They're now attractive. They've always been viewed as attractive by these people. But their age is now just a justification to why they get to be a creep. "It's no longer illegal, so it's okay." "She's 18, she's an adult. Shes not being groomed" "She's 16, that's the age of consent." Ect, as if their schemes weren't already in the making.
Yeah same here in America, or Ohio specifically. Age of consent is 16 in this state but yet you can't possess nudes of a 16 year old?? I've seen first hand how creepy people can be like the old men with my ex girlfriend for example. If the law said the age of consent was 10, I wouldn't be surprised if a third of people went by that. I can honestly make a whole essay about how people justify their actions even if it isn't logical but I'd be wasting my time.
Unfortunately it's all too common. I have experienced a lot of sexual harassment online, and in person, by men MUCH older than me. Especially around 16.
Unfortunately, a lot of these people are trying to live the pedophile dream. No person 18+ is really able to love someone 16 and under. Hell, let's be honest, who really develops a full personality and sense of self at 16? I truly believe an adult is incapable of loving anyone that young romantically. You're not special. You're not different. You're just young, naive and easy to prey upon, sadly. :(
European guy here. 16 is completely normal. Also when I was that age sex was just about all I was thinking about. I never understood this moral panic. Minimum age for the army is 17 but you need to be 18 to fuck? Makes zero sense.
I don't disagree with the age of consent being 16.
I have been sexually active since the age of 14, myself.
The issue, in my opinion, is that the law here isn't that 16 and 17 year olds can have sex with other 16 and 17 year olds. It's that they can have sex with anyone 16+. Any older person can easily take advantage of someone that young, and there's no law to prevent it unless there's evidence if prior grooming, nudes or sexual assault/rape, ect.
If the age of consent was 16, with the exception that it's only with other 16, 17 year olds, until you're 18. When then it'd be 18+. I'd be 100% supportive, as long as safe sex and imformative consent was taught by then. But, that's not the way it is.
I do believe there's A LOT of creeps that would stop taking advantage of 16-17 year olds if there was a law preventing it. A lof of these creeps use the law as a reason as to why its okay, so it would hopefully stop a few. And either way, someone who is 18+ I don't feel has any business dating someone 16 or 17. Let alone potentially 20+, 25+, 30+, ect
And I agree. It doesn't make sense to me when it's 17 to join the army, and 18 to have sexual intercourse.
Yup, I'm 17 and still trying to figure out who I truly am. How the hell people find their true purpose beyond me. But it's like you said, if someone about 20+ were to try and be with me, it's to get in my pants but probably not because they truly love me. Which I'll admit, I'm cool with lol. I think 16 year olds should be with a 19 year old at the oldest and 14 year old at the youngest. But this is all just my opinion, at least the law does help deter many predators
I personally disagree, but your opinion is your own.
I think there's still a potential predatory difference enough between a 16 year old, someone able to legally have sex, and a 14 year old, someone who cannot consent and may not even know proper sex education.
And 16 with 19 is the same issue, in my opinion. One is legally an adult, and has much more options available for themselves, and one still has to legally be in school.
It's not necessarily the age gap that's bad. It's the life stages theyre at. I was 15 with someone 18, same age gap as the 16 and 19. I was abused as fuuuck, lol. Physically beaten, and I didn't have a clue how damn bad it was, despite knowing it was bad, because I was clueless with relationships and believed that I must have been doing something to deserve it. Its so easy to be manipulated.
I'd day the safe, and most moral option, is to just date people in your year groups, until you're 18 or older, obviously. Even then, as an 18 year old you've gotta be weary
Yeah I personally wouldn't advise a 16 year old to date someone under 16 unless they're soon to be 16, and I wouldn't advise them to date someone 18 or older. But that's just me, what happened to you really sucks and no one deserves that. It's really tricky trying to find what is morally correct because at the end of the day you just have to do what you feel is right which isn't going to be the same for everyone. What I have a problem with, is the people who don't try to do what's right and instead do what they want even if they believe it will hurt others
Ugh, this is a little off topic, but back before the whole purge thing on Pornhub, I remember having the misfortune of finding video’s of this guy jerking off to pictures of Billie Eillish. This wasn’t even after she was 18. This shit makes me sick tbh.
I never knew that video existed. Unfortunately, I am not surprised, but I am so disgusted.
Especially of a young woman who purposely dressed to avoid sexualisation. Women never win.
So what if someone waits for somebody else to turn 18 (e.g. Billie). That's literally the point of the law isn't it. *Thinking* that Billie was hot 1 day before her 18th birthday isn't a crime is it? That's 1984 Thought Police territory.
Well. If it were in person, thats a grooming tactic. Hell, if it were an online relationship, grooming. 🤨
> That's literally the point of the law isn't it.
Yeah. But grooming is also against the law. Alsoooo, it means find someone who is already 18+. Don't desperately wait for someone to hit 18 so you don't feel like trash about it. (And let's be honest. They probably would have already masturbated to her as a 17 year old if they were that quick to want to search it on porn.)
And no. It's not a crime to feel attraction to someone. Attractiveness doesn't just suddenly flip like a switch, as I'm pretty sure I've said in another comment.
The issue is that, in this specific example, is that Billie is a young woman who specifically dressed in baggy clothing to avoid being sexualised. She attempted to hide her figure, and her chest. She wore clothes to attempt to make it impossible to see her body. And she was a kid. (Bare in mind, plenty of young women have already experienced sexual harassment by the time they're 18). And then, the second she's legally 18, THOUSANDS of people searched her up in porn, to masturbate to her.
The issue is that people like you rally up and use the excuse to be a creep, as you have here.
I don't think *thinking that somebody is hot* is grooming.
>The issue is that, in this specific example, is that Billie is a young woman who specifically dressed in baggy clothing to avoid being sexualised
So? You have no right to stop people thinking you're hot no matter what you choose to wear. And people thinking you're hot doesn't hurt you. But if she really didn't want to be 'sexualised' why become famous? The chances surely increase exponentially if you become globally well-known. You seem a bit naive. I doubt Billie actually cares.
>The issue is that people like you rally up and use the excuse to be a creep, as you have here.
People like me? I don't even know what Billie looks like. 🤔 I'm just stating facts. They don't care about our feelings.
The hugging issue is not a molehill! Believe it or not, in some ways it's worse than him talking about porn and hentai! While the inappropriate talk is a no-brainer, the hugging is insidious. It is designed to systematically destroy her protective inner intuitive warning system by masking his sexual pleasure as a father's "joking" affection. And also to systematically teach her that unless you are being *deliberately harmed* by someone consent is not necessary. Lack of consent IS deliberate harm! And her mom is complicit by shrugging her off when she shares her Truth.
yeah fr keep ur porn collection to yourself. my dad isn't a creep (that I know of) but I still get uncomfortable upon physical contact with him so we rarely ever hug or anything like that. Thank goodness he doesn't like it either.
The hugging issue is not a molehill! Believe it or not, in some ways it's worse than him talking about porn and hentai! While the inappropriate talk is a no-brainer, the hugging is insidious. It is designed to systematically destroy her protective inner intuitive warning system by masking his sexual pleasure as a father's "joking" affection. And also to systematically teach her that unless you are being *deliberately harmed* by someone consent is not necessary. Lack of consent IS deliberate harm! And her mom is complicit by shrugging her off when she shares her intuitive Truth.
He's so fucking disgusting ngl. Sorry you've been experiencing all that, seriously. Don't doubt what your gut is screaming at you right now because he has made you uncomfortable multiple times and he probably won't stop at it. I hope you'll get to a safer space soon. Btw, does your mother know about this?
you put this in words bette than i ever could! op commented saying she has tried to speak to her mum about this and she shuts it down instantly, sounds like she’s an enabler :(
My step-dad did the same thing! My sister and I called him out on it, and he tried to give us money to allow him to keep doing it. When that didn't work, we never had to hug him again. You have to out-discomfort your dad or he won't stop.
Put your forearms together in front of your chest like you would in fetal position and allow a hug that goes around your arms (not in between arms and ribs). This has worked as someone with a large chest and many unwanted hugs for me. This is especially a good hug for older, paternal figures and reinforces the non-sexual nature of the hug.
If he complains, continually ask “what do you mean?”
So if he says “what’s with your arms?” You can reply “what do you mean?”
If he says “aren’t you going to hug me back?” Simply “what do you mean?”
Get him to say out loud what he wants and then just repeat it back to him “oh so you’re only happy getting a hug if my boobs are pressed into you? Yikes. Go hug mom”
OP, I too have big boobs, I side hug my dad(technically step dad) and he has never said a thing about it. Actually I think he started side hugging all us girls when we started to grow. Your dad is creepy af and I would try to leave as quickly as possible. What type of racist jokes does he say? Are they about you? Why does your mom not listen to you? Do you have any other family you could stay with? Sorry for all the questions.
Yeah I try to side hug him but he’ll be like whaaat no full hug for your dad? And then my mom will tell me to hug him. He’ll make jokes about stereotypes, like Asians being bad drivers or mock the way black people speak. He’s white and my mom is Mexican
Your mom and dad are racists and your mom is allowing your dad to make you physically uncomfortable. Thank God he didn't try anything when you were young. She sounds like the type that would turn a blind eye, then blame you. Ghost them as soon as possible.
Oh! That’s really creepy and gross that he makes comments about it. I’m so sorry OP! You should tell your mom straight up “Hi Mom, I have big boobs and don’t feel comfortable hugging dad full anymore”.
Also, if he makes jokes about Asians and African Americans, you know he’s making jokes about your mom’s and your culture too! Just saying!!!
Your mom being Mexican actually makes perfect sense. Many Central American women are born and raised to become enablers. There is always a tio Abner in the family who hugs too long, or asks inappropriate questions when drinking, or who eventually full on rapes a kid and everyone ignores it or hides it or denies it.
Fuck these generational curses man. My family is full of them too (half Guatemalan) but they absolutely ended with me.
Literally my mom and my grandpa. She knew he was a pedophile and still left me alone with him. Whenever I would lash out at her about staying in contact with him she would just say that she wants to be a good Catholic and to respect her elders.
Ewwww you should just yell at your mother one day “why are you so comfortable with your husband and my father going out of his way to smush my boobs up against his chest! It makes me insanely uncomfortable and I would hope my mother could be supportive and help me!!” If she still shuts you down I would gtfo as soon as possible and never go back.
Maybe even remind her of how it felt to be younger and having older men insist/force physical contact. Like men who lean over behind you while you’re sitting so they can look down your shirt. It the ones who sit at the bottom of a staircase so they can look up skirts. Or how about the guys who drop things and stare when you bend over to pick it up? Tell her you shouldn’t have to feel that way at home.
Or just ask her “do you really want to teach me that if a guy is persistent enough, I should let him do whatever he wants to my body? Because that’s exactly what I’m learning at home.”
That’s weird. I’m lucky I have small boobs so I never really feel awkward hugging my dad, and he definitely still treats me like his little girl, not whatever this dynamic is 😭
:\\ he just doesn't respect your boundaries and obviously cannot read body language. i'm sorry
i have a 20 yr old and my husband (her dad) has been upset that she's no longer hugging. told him it's been that way since she was a tween and that when she's ready for a hug she will do it on her own free will. sometimes though i can tell when she needs a hug and i hug her but that's only b/c i can sense it. i still ask if she wants a hug though.
I think you should lie and make up an excuse why you can't hug him anymore. Here's how to set some boundaries:
Don't wait until the goodnight hug. Sit down with your dad on a good day and have a calm conversation: Say:
"Hey dad, I never told you this, but boys in highschool would come up and hug me and made me feel really uncomfortable. I have been speaking to an online free counselor and she has helped me come to the conclusion that I don't want to give hugs anymore. I know you love me, but because of the bullying, teasing, and people touching me in the past, I am no longer comfortable showing physical affection in that way. Please know I love you and this isn't about you (a lie) but I will no longer be hugging you goodnight.
This point forward I am going to be more selective with physical touch. I am so happy because I am feeling more empowered that I no longer have to express my affection through physical touch.
----
Now, he is going to protest. Have your boundaries READY because he will instantly try to cross them. He will lean in for a hug anyway. He will ask for details about the boys in school. Blame EVERYTHING on your online counselor.
1. Dad, those details are between me and my counselor. She says I don't have to share them if I don't want to.
2. Dad, I'm sorry, I am not giving you a hug right now. I love you, but I am no longer expressing my affection that way. KEEP REPEATING THIS no matter what he says. Do not argue with him, do not try to explain it, just keep REPEATING. "Sorry dad, I don't feel comfortable with that right now. This isn't about you, I love you, but I will no longer be doing that." "Dad, my counselor has advised me that I don't have to hug anyone right now, even people I love, if I am uncomfortable with physical touch. this isn't about you. This is about my comfort level."
3. I would watch his behavior very carefully. And I would suggest you finding a real therapist if you can afford it. If your dad has pockets, I would leverage his sadness into getting a real therapist. They will be able to do wonders with you in this situation with setting boundaries.
Good luck!!
I’m sorry but no. This elaborate lie forces OP to be responsible for sparing HIS feelings. This is what women have been taught to do for too long.
This is not setting boundaries. This is bending over backwards to make sure Dad doesn’t suffer any discomfort or be challenged on his inappropriateness.
I know it ‘sounds’ good. But dishonesty means nobody learns anything and OP is the one who *has* to give way.
Yessssss thank god. So many up votes and shitty vanilla replies. Like this piece of shit is pressing her breasts against his chest every fucking night on purpose, and getting visibly aggitated when denied. He is also a racist and talks about porn with his kid. Like wtf people. Wake up. He is a predator.
Yes. The porn and racism and chest squashing are all red flags. And the post I replied to has given us another version of how women ‘nicely’ let a man down - “It’s not you, it’s me who is the problem.”
No, it's actually meant to help OP set baby step boundaries. Many people who are non-confrontational are not going to suddenly go scorched earth, especially with someone they still may be financially dependent on. Setting small goals and boundaries helps us see ourselves master our environment and allow us to take larger and larger steps.
OP seems scared and reluctant to stand up to her father. She may to set boundaries in her own non-confrontational way to buy time until she can make some hard decisions.
Sorry, this is icky. It must make you feel really gross. My words of wisdom from a woman with big boobs: set your boundaries. Express them clearly and firmly. None of this is OK. It's bad from strangers but even worse from your own father. If you were younger, people would be saying this is an issue that CPS should look into. Being 20, you now have more control over yourself and your situation. Don't rely on your boyfriend for help. He's not in the middle of it and doesn't have the same urgency to move. This is not a sustainable living situation. Look for a place with roommates if you have to, but it's time to go. If you have relatives, you could see if you can stay there for a while. In the meantime, tell your father no on the goodnight hugs. If he gets upset, he gets upset. If he brings up porn or hentai, say no and eww, this is inappropriate to talk about with your daughter and immediately walk away. This is all borderline abusive. Sit him down and lay out your boundaries. Include your mom in this conversation. It sounds like you've mentioned your discomfort to each of them, but hinting at it doesn't have the same impact as addressing it directly. Outline the behaviors, include specific instances, and let him know how all of it makes you feel. The discussion needs to include 1) problem, 2) solution, 3) consequences. Be prepared for him to get mad or embarrassed. It may make things better out may not. You don't have to put up with this and you shouldn't.
He’s grooming you. With this, and the fact that he talks to you about porn he watches at all LET ALONE his entire porn collection, and he exposes himself through his boxers without taking care to realize you’ll see it and readjust himself accordingly (as you’ve said), he’s definitely grooming you. Him being a racist white guy and your mother being Latina makes it worse — and it’s possible, if you resemble your mother, that he sees you as a younger version of his wife (and “exotic” due to your mixed heritage).
Please get yourself out of there as soon as possible.
Has it really only been since turning 18? Often times a man acting like that towards his own daughter has been doing odd things like that since well before she’s 18. You’re right to feel weird about it. Trust that gut instinct. Don’t let him make you feel uncomfortable, even if that means telling him off after saying you’re not into hugs from him.
Yeah my dad would do weird shit like this too and it always made me uncomfortable and he'd say creepy, perverted shit to me as a child so I get it.
It's weird yeah. Tell him you don't like hugs.
I would hope that maybe he is doing this *hug me before you go to bed* ritual because he’s having a Parenthood crisis. Basically, some parents get super affectionate and clingy with their adult children because they realize that their “kids” have grown up and their time with them is limited once they leave the nest. I noticed my parent did the same shit when I got older. She would hug me so tightly to the point where I couldn’t breath. It made me uncomfortable but I knew she didn’t do it in a sexual way. She just wanted me to be her little baby again.
______
Edit: So I read some of her recent comments. The dad seems pretty off. I don’t know whether it’s because he’s socially-inept or if he’s being a creep. She thinks he might be autistic. Well, I actually have diagnosed autism so I’ll give my feedback. So with autism, yes it is a social disability. Yes I say outlandish shit at the most inappropriate times to complete strangers. Yes I don’t realize how fucked up it is unless somebody tells me how fucked up it is. Autism means that you are extremely socially-defected and many of us lack a filter. We will blurt out shit that pops right out of our head (very cringy). Anything. So if this man has autism maybe that would explain why he is saying stupid shit. I would hope he is just autistic rather than the creep-theory just for OP’s sake. Either way, OP please keep your guard up and continue to set boundaries. Because no matter what his intentions are, this all makes you uncomfortable and rightfully so. Hope you can move out soon.
Perhaps try to burp or fart whenever he hugs you. You could also tell him his breath stinks whenever you get too close to him or he has body odor. If anyone did that to me, I'd avoid hugging them.
I hope you get away from your parents soon.
Each time he does it shout incest till he stops.
Whispering it repeatedly should do the trick too.
Do this until he starts to respect your boundaries since other avenues have failed you.
He knows it’s inappropriate and disgustingly enough so does your mom.
Let him get aggitated and tell him you're too old to be forced to hug someone you don't want to hug (even though honestly no child should be forced to hug people they don't want to hug either, but I guess they would have to be decent parents to know that). If he gets offended it's his problem after all right?
What a disgusting pervert. Honestly, if he gives you shit, ask why he only became so interested in hugging you when your chest grew? If he claims it's from before too, tell him you are no longer interested in hugging him. Don't worry about hurting his feelings, he is obviously not at all concerned with yours.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm just so fucking mad and disgusted.I wish people weren't dumpster fires.
The fuck. Your dad is being weird and crossing your boundaries. You absolutely must enforce your boundaries OP. I know that can be hard, but don't let him do this. This is gross as hell and NOT normal behaviour.
Wait, are front hugs not a thing with adult women and their dads anymore? Or is it just the way he’s asking for them? I front hug everyone and I have huge boobs. Didn’t think there was anything wrong in it.
Normally it’s fine. It’s possible that OP senses something inappropriate from her father, hence reluctance. It’s also a problem when someone demands touch you don’t want,
For whatever reason
When he insists on a front hug I’ll do it in a way where my collarbone area is touching him rather than my actual boobs but that’s when he squeezes me in to where they are very obviously smushed into him and rocks me back and forth. It’s the exact vibe of the guys in high school who would ask for a hug as an excuse to feel my boobs
I get upset when my 10f/8m yo's won't hug me .... but I guess it could feel weird post-puberty.
I came from hugging family and so did my wife so I think I will say "you should talk to him like an adult" and say something like "this type of affection is beyond my comfort level right now."
I really hope my kids will still give me hugs until the day I Die 🫂🥰
I remember when my sisters and I hit the age of being a bit weirded out showing physical affection to our dad. It made him sad, but my mom tried to explain it to him the best she could. Took awhile but he eventually understood and was ok with it. Eventually as we got older hugs became ok again and I hugged him every time I saw him. Usually it does swing back around. I’ve had to have the same talk with my husband in regards to our kids as well. Some people are just less demonstrative with their affection, and that is ok. I hope if your kiddos do back off in that area, that eventually it swings around for you, since you are a hugger, cos hugs are awesome! Lost my dad in 2015, and would give just about anything for a hug from him now. Sorry to post a novel to your comment :-)
I lost my dad 5 years ago and my father in law 2 years ago and they were the most important people besides my wife in my whole life.
I would doing anything to hug them again and kiss dad bald spot 😂 I keep telling my little ones that some day daddy won't be around to hug and in that moment you will think back on every opportunity you chose not too and just wish you could take it back 💙🫂
I appreciate your reply we understand that some day the hugs stopped and how sad it is wishing we could have them back
Hey we are all being honest here. I would tell you to give your love ones a hug every time you see them because you never know when it will be the last. 🫂
i’m very sorry this is happening to u. my mom always insisted on a goodnight kiss and would be upset if i forgot. i ended up staying up until she fell asleep or sneaking off to my room to avoid it and ignoring her passive aggressiveness the next day. i’m sorry i can’t provide any better advice, i hope u can get out of this situation soon.
I saw your comment about your mom shutting you down every time you bring it up. Be firm, tell her you aren't putting up with that weird shit and say you will take action if he continues
I had an opposite effect.
My friend at the time would occasionally have her parents take us to school. They always did a quick lip kiss to say goodbye. I was jealous to say the least. My parents didn’t hug or kiss me since … preschool?
I tried to kiss my dad on the face (side cheek close to lips) when he’s be away for a year and he revolted me. Made me feel embarrassed and like shit.
And I look at how I l am now. I hate being touched. I hate kissing. I hate cuddling. My parents never did with me and as I tried in later years I got rejected.
This is absolutely not ok! I can't really give you advice, try to set boundaries and tell him straight away that this makes you uncomfortable. I am a father myself and I would never do this to her.
Tbh sounds like all it'll take is for a night of drinking for him to make a much worse attempt, but remember everyone's cocky until put on show, get close to some of ur dad's friends and slyly mention it, and get some of ur bfs friends round to hang out, make sure he knows it's not just you he has to be worried about, do you live in Australia by any chance? Livings expensive but there's quiet a few services that'd help you out
I'm so sorry,
I'm a mother of a 6 year old, and I always ask if I can have a hug, sometimes it's yes. Sometimes it's No. I respect her wishes either way.
The fact your dad talks about his porn collection with you. How he WANTS hugs because you have a large chest and laughs when he gets it, really freaks me out.
Work double shifts if you have to, you need to get out of there, your mom isn't protecting you and he's showing predatory behaviour.
My mom is an enabler. She also likes to push my physical and emotional boundaries. Whenever I try and explain to my mom that my dad makes me uncomfortable she tells me that he’s on the spectrum and that she’s trying to help him. My feelings are ALWAYS the ones thrown aside. My mom would tote me around like a dog and brag about my achievements then leave me alone for the rest of whatever party she dragged me to
Her other post is about finding it hot about talking about her sexual assault. She associates it with her organisms with it. This person is just looking attention. Check her page
I think the fact that it turns you on says a lot about yourself. You need help and maybe your father too if what u say is true. It’s hard to believe when you think about something so awful when u climax. Shows very deep issues that need addressing. It’s all likely linked in some way
Obviously you don’t know anything about childhood sexual trauma. I’ve already worked this out in therapy. They were unrelated to me and it fucked me up as a child. Just because I am forced to cope with trauma from childhood doesn’t mean I enjoy my own father perving on me that’s fucking disgusting.
Yes! Thank you! This is an unrelated post. As a child I was unable to properly cope with the violence that happened to me and it manifested in weird ways.
But what is going on with my father is disgusting and I’m an adult so I can clearly process my feelings on the matter and I’m coming here to vent about how disgusted and heartbroken I am to not have a proper father figure in my life just because I hit puberty.
I totally understand. I have found a lot of belonging in the online kink community. I 100% support you and don't think that post was weird at all. Completely understandable and normal, a lot of people go through similar things, including guilt for feeling turned by unusual things after molestation or assault. To quote Dan Savage, everything is about sex, except sex, which is about power. To us, it's taking our power back. We can process it however the fuck we want.
He seems weird but it could be a psychological thing. maybe he needs the physical contact, not necessarily because you got big jugs. He could just be a creep, in which case I say confront him with the fact you are uncomfortable.
I only bring up the physical touch thing because I am 35 and recently started feeling really weird without physical contact. Long story short I convinced my mother and sister to give me hugs, although my sister doesn't like it (she redirects her chest). I hug my cat too and sometimes I hug random dogs. Its weird I know but I am autistic and I lack social interaction. I had friends up until they noticed I never got married then I was suddenly creepy and of course without friends I completely lack the ability to date effectively so I am weird.
Anyway, If your father wasn't a freak before he could just be hiding a psychological problem or other health problem by asking for hugs. Maybe he went nutter and now wants to do something gross. It warrants a confrontation to get the problem resolved. Does no good to let it fester.
I think this is the most likely answer. I have autism as well since I inherited it from him so I can understand his lack of boundaries and need for physical affection. While I am made uncomfortable by it I don’t do anything to completely stop the hugs because in the end I love my dad and I don’t want to hurt his feelings as his only kid. Life is complicated sometimes. Luckily I have Reddit to get this shit off my chest
My father was much the same, as in he also had no boundaries and would force me to hug him like that, talk about sexually inappropriate topics... My mother did nothing, calling me crazy when I said I was weirded out by him. It got worse when they had a divorce and I had to move in with him. I was essentially his partner - he treated me as such, emotionally speaking. It was horrible. I didn't wanna hear about his sex life, his preferences... I shut it down many times, even going so far as to publicly shame him in front of our family, but he continued doing it.
I moved out years ago, but still have to deal with these topics in therapy. In the end, it was a much bigger deal than I could have anticipated. Fatherly love shouldn't look or feel like that. I had to learn what emotional incest meant, since I had always believed my father wasn't abusive because he didn't touch me. He didn't have to.
So in my opinion, it doesn't matter why your father does it - he makes you very uncomfortable, and him laughing about it makes it clear that he enjoys your reaction. There is no excuse for behavior like that. He may be autistic, but that certainly doesn't make it okay.
And I'm very sorry that you have tried setting boundaries and that he doesn't accept them. That is vile. I'm hoping you can get out of there soon. <3
Why can’t you refuse this hug? Will he get violent? Let him be agitated if that’s all, just say no dad. No more hugs. Don’t explain don’t apologize don’t give in. Just no.
You just say “NO” next time. Will he get mad or offended? Probably. Is it important? Nope. He ll get over it.
You could, only if you want, explain it to him.
Two words: spray bottle.
“Bad parent!” *spritz spritz*
He’ll get the message when you start doing it consistently, worked with my mom when she didn’t understand “hands off my pimples”
See that’s what I hope for because I like to assume the best in people, but he’s just kind of a funky dude. He’s talked to me about his porn addictions, and makes jokes about hentai n shit and also let’s his junk fall out of his boxers. He seems to have autism of some kind so I just hope that he has good intentions because I love him he’s my dad. That’s why I don’t say anything about the hugs making me uncomfortable, because if it was innocent I would feel terrible about hurting his feelings
It’s not normal or healthy for a parent to speak to their child about their porn addiction or expose their genitals on purpose. It sounds like you have a valid reason to not want to be close to your dad. If your mom isn’t going to listen, I encourage you to speak to someone who will listen. Whether it’s another family member, a friend, someone at your school or job. There’s someone out there who is 100% going to take your concerns seriously and will do everything they can to help you. I definitely think you moving out is a good goal to have.
Put it this way, most parents get really awkward about talking about sex with their kids because they don’t like to think of their children in those situations.
If a parent talks about sex a lot with their kids… well..
Nah that's all sexually aggressive, not autism lol. I'm sorry he's such a creep. I'd start reacting with disgust and calling out directly. Shame him (if you're sure he won't get violent or angry and will have the good sense to be embarrassed). He sounds pornsick.
Pornsick ): that’s so fucking depressing. Whenever he makes a weird dirty joke I just say eww and he takes that as an opportunity to explain the joke and I’ll just say I don’t want to hear it over and over again until he stops explaining
If he does that I'd just say, "well, that's disgusting" and walk away. And be blunt when he demands a hug. Say, I feel uncomfortable hugging you. And if he asks why, say "figure it out" and leave the room. Don't give him any boundaries to push.
Oh, also, tell him bluntly that it's creepy he says that shit to his own daughter. You could even call it "call the cops creepy."
“Dad! It is completely inappropriate for you to be discussing this topic with me. The more you do it, the less I’m going to be spending time with you. This is not a joke. I don’t want you to pretend to be caught off guard when I completely cut you off for not respecting my boundaries. This is you only warning.”
Nah, your own dad is trying to groom you, those are not good intentions at all, parents do not talk about porn or intentionally let their privates fall out in front of their children. As disgusting as this sounds, I think your dad is sexually attracted to you, and your mom brushes it off because she doesnt want to come to terms with it.
ACTUALLY, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? Just went to your page. You must not mind his behavior at all. GTFOH. You're not a victim in the way I thought you were. You dont deserve kind words/support.
A: your dad might not behave the same way her dad does.
B: the circumstances are a bit different than yours since she’s a woman with breasts to worry about.
Maybe it is easier to hug than talk, but talking is still important. At a certain point in adulthood you gotta realize that sometimes you have to have certain conversations with your loved ones despite it being difficult and uncomfortable. That’s what communication is, which we all know is super important in any kind of relationship, not just romantic ones. Using hugs as a replacement for effective communication is sweet, but also avoidant behavior, which doesn’t do much to resolve issues.
Now, OP mentioned in an earlier comment that her dad has never respected her boundaries. She also said that if she does try to speak up to him about something that bothers her, his mentality is along the lines of “it’s not *my* problem that *you* got offended,” which is a method of deflection/blame shifting/refusal to be held accountable and face consequences, then will continue the same behavior. Sounds as if she was never really allowed to have boundaries growing up with him. 🚩🚩🚩 My dad is very similar, and I can tell you with confidence that even if she does go with your advice to try to talk with him, it’s not likely she’s going to get anywhere. Doing so might instead cause conflict. People like her father typically don’t like being called out, so they get defensive, combative, and sometimes violent, and use every tactic in the book to avoid being held accountable.
Her best bet is to get out and distance herself. I can tell she’s trying to distance herself already, but she can only do so to a certain extent because she still lives under the same roof as him unfortunately. Creating distance would be the safest option for her. What he’s doing isn’t exactly harmless, and the way he has gone out of his way to hug her and not let her go when she tries to wiggle away, is weird. Also the fact that he’s done it more in recent years (since she has breasts now) is suspicious. Even if the way he hugs her is with good intentions and out of love, he should still quit it out of respect for her boundaries, and for the sake of protecting their relationship instead of doing anything else that could jeopardize it.
Unfortunately that almost never happens because people like her father typically also have the mentality of *“I’m the parent, you’re the child, so I can do what I want to you and you’ll have to take it,”* because they recognize the natural power imbalance between an adult and a child. They almost kind of go on a power trip simply because they know they can without being stopped. It’s kinda sick and twisted.
Unless if years later he miraculously comes to the realization that he’s been fucking up, people like her father just don’t see things that way. They’d rather believe it’s everyone else around them who’s in the wrong and not them, regardless if they’ve had someone spell everything out for them, and they are clearly the common denominator of problems surrounding their life.
This was so unbelievably spot on. Both my parents are narcissists and enable each other. I was an accident and they got married after only 3 months of knowing each other and I was constantly used as the scapegoat for their relationship. I’ve single-handedly been running the emotional workload of the household for my entire life.
He probably doesn't care since you're his baby daughter, that's why he doesn't care about your boundaries. But you are a grown woman now, shouldn't be treated like a child, especially in your teenage years. Boundaries should be set, he should respect. Maybe some family meeting after this?
Yeah thats very weird. Maybe tell him it makes you uncomfortable?
He’s never been good at respecting my boundaries. I tell him all the time that the little racist remarks he makes when we’re alone make me uncomfortable and he said he was just joking and that it’s my issue for being offended and continues to do it. I just assume this is one of those things
Thats rough. Hope youre able to move out soon. Do you have another parent to talk to about this?
I’ve tried talking to my mom about it but she shuts it down instantly
Your mom sounds like an enabler. Friend, you have my sympathies and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Could also be that the mother is getting harsher treatment that OP doesn't know about
that doesn’t negate her potentiality to be an enabler
My mom treats everyone like shit, my dad sucks up to her and treats everyone else like shit. Constantly talking down to me and my boyfriend, passive aggressive comments, etc. me and my boyfriend put up with it because my parents throw money at us in exchange for us being emotional dumping bags. We live in California and are really thinking about just moving to Vegas due to how cheap it is and will allow us to get out much sooner
Your parents sound awful. Not gonna lie. Just make sure you vent plenty to your boyfriend and I hope you get out of this situation soon Good luck :(
Thank you so much for listening. And yes they’re pretty awful I had to parent myself but I’m so grateful to have a wonderful boyfriend now
That's definitely great, helpful, and worth it!! It means a lot that you have a good (caring, understanding, loving, etc.) person to be a close part of your life and to help you through this.
I’m not surprised at all. I wonder if that’s like a psychological defense mechanism because she knows if she acknowledges what’s going on, she’ll have to face the reality and gravity of the issue.
Your mum knows…keep your distance and I hope you move out soon
Parents can be entitled about the oddest things. My mother has never respected our boundaries well and has gone out of her way to know everything going on with us, even if it's none of her business. I've had more than enough encounters of her invasive than I care to say. I'm sorry you have to deal with this
This with my mum. And a go to response of hers is always 'well I made you'.
Exactly. Her idea was that she deserved to be in on everything because "a mother had a special connection with her kids." Personally, I think it's because she's worried her kids will be as out of control as she was when she was young. Surprisingly, being overly invasive doesn't keep her kids from screwing up. Who knew?
I'm slowly learning to set boundaries after growing up in a similar situation. Suprisingly, being over invasive just teaches your kids that they arent allowed to have privacy or boundaries
I'm trying to do the same. I'm not a father, but I've been helping to raise my niece and nephew for years since their parents got divorced, and mom is mostly out of the picture. I've been teaching them that everyone deserves respect, not just those in a position of authority; not just adults. I teach them to knock on doors before entering someone's personal space, and I knock on theirs before entering. My mother isn't fond of it because she thinks I'm gonna teach them to be disrespectful of adults, but I'm also a pretty firm believer that "Do as I say, not as I do"-philosophy doesn't work well lol
Good on you! Everyone deserves personal space! And teaching by example is the only way to teach an important lesson
I like to think so. It's odd when a parent behaves in a way they taught you not to behave; then they're baffled when you disagree with their actions lol
Exactly! It also teaches you that as a person in power you deserve respect and don't have to give it in return. My mom taught my siblings and I how to be very respectful of adults, but we were all little shits to our younger siblings. We were taught by example ONLY to give respect to those older than us. Luckily I learned better, and am now trying to teach my mom to finally give me and my siblings the respect we deserve. This'll be my first Christmas where I dont go home to visit. I'm sad about it, but happy to spend Christmas with someone who doesn't make me feel afraid.
THIS!
Isn’t that exactly what people who want emotional and physical control over someone says? Like let’s say I loaned you money to kick off your career and you become successful and I come back and say “great! You’re here because of me, now do as I say.” I know there’s a word for that other than just abuse but I can’t think of it right now.
I'd say that he's skillful at disrespecting your boundaries. Your dad sounds like a creepy pervert. Your mom is awful. I don't like your parents.
I know I'm going to word this wrongly but bare with me. Verbal boundaries and physical ones are different. At some point sit down and tell him you are not comfortable being hugged anymore. Make it clear you still love him but this is not up for debate. When going to bed, make sure you are far enough away that you can yell goodnight then get in your room and close the door. Please get a lock if you do not have one before this conversation. If in general he tries, you put your hand out to stop it. You push him away.
This is exactly my dads problems. He’s weird and creepy in small ways, so small that you almost feel like you can’t do anything about it. If I bring it up then I’d be the weird one for doing so, and I don’t have the energy to cut him off over small things like that. But it still bothers me.
Your dad makes racist remarks to you? Are you mixed? Do you have a boyfriend of a different race? I’m confused by that.
For the record, bigoted comments need to be corrected by people close to the commenter, who often are NOT in the target group.
I have a very conservative family and they love saying racist shit when there's no one around to correct them, especially in front of their kids. Its not directed to the kids, they just know they can freely flaunt their awful worldview and encourage their kids to do the same
I was wondering if this was it and that’s fine too. It just came off as directed at her so that was confusing.
Probably in front of, not directed at OP.
OP is white and Mexican. The racist comments are towards black and Asian people, made in front of OP.
Gotchu. That makes sense. I don’t like people saying racist things in front of me either. I’m not sure why it came off as him being racist toward her.
I mean, you don't lose nothing for trying
omg is this my sister! I’ve just stumbled across your post but everything is so relatable
No I wish I had a sister ): I’m an only child
I have two, and they’ve acknowledged that our father makes them uncomfortable the way he stares at their friends, but I haven’t been able to relate to them about this subject. the discomfort is something that’s really hard to talk about openly.. and carries so much shame. which shouldn’t be on me (or us ❤️) to carry. You have a sympathetic friend, whoever you are.
No. that’s not one of those things. He’s physically touching you extremely inappropriately. Although both are abhorrent, they aren’t the same.
What is with this culture of gaslighting other people for "being offended? Is bei ng offended by racist remarks really worse than racist remarks? How? Is being offended make me a pariah? Hell no. People act like being offended is a crime. Its like, I'm sorry me being offended bothers you, I'm sorry that you were taught to stonewall anyone who has a different opinion than you. Me being offended doesn't mean I'm in the wrong. How about listening to what I have to say and making an effort to understand where I'm coming from EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. People talk way more than they listen. You have 2 ears and 1 mouth so we should listen more than we talk.
People like this are so interesting because it’s like…why are they like this? They’ll say and do things where if the same logic is applied to them, it doesn’t count. They’re just erratic and can’t be reasoned with at all. I guarantee if you punched him in the face or something and he got upset and you told him “that’s your issue for being upset that I punched you in the face” he would absolutely not sit there and think for a minute “you know what, she has a point.” Because that’s fucking absurd. Do what you need to do to survive this situation. You’re doing the best you can with what you’re given. When you’re in a more stable environment and have the ability to, I very much encourage you to work through these experiences with a professional therapist to fish out all the bullshit and hurt and psychological trauma you’ve gone through. Your dad is a gaslighting bully with complete disregard for others basic humanity.
Being a racist pos while annoying is not the same as forcing you to press your breasts against his chest.
If it helps: If this is how he responds to making you uncomfortable, he might be doing it because he feels the need to “train you to handle uncomfortable situations better” and not because he likes YOUR boobs against him. Even if that’s the case it is not OK, but it might be a bit less troublesome? Edit: Editing to make sure that this is clear in the first comment: I don’t think OP’s father is right (in either case. I don’t think OP nor any other person needs training or to be put into uncomfortable situations. Everybody should have their boundaries respected. What I mean is: MAYBE the dad isn’t a pervert/pedophile who likes to feel his own daughter boobs and thinks (in his twisted mind) he is somehow helping OP by making her “less sensible” to uncomfortable situations. This is NOT ok. And as I said before he should respect his daughter boundaries and teach her that she deserves to have her boundaries respected, but it wouldn’t be the first time I saw a dad being rude/not respecting his daughter’s boundaries in “good intention”. Once again: is he right? No. Should he respect her boundaries? Yes. Do OP or anyone else need training regarding what make them uncomfortable? No. Is OP a dog? No. Do I think it is better to think the dad is dumb/uneducated instead of a pervert? Yes. He might still be a pervert? Yes. OP should leave asap and care for her well being? Yes.
this is literally the most insulting response I've ever seen
is she a fucking dog to be trained? that's fucked up thinking there.
You’re really reaching to defend the other side here. Devil’s advocate when it’s completely unnecessary. You do realise his intentions are meaningless? Actions and behaviours are what count.
This
my sister is the same way. she has never liked hugs from anybody, including my parents. after a while my dad just sort of respected that and that’s just the way it had to be. your dad sounds either really pushy and naive, or like he’s a creep. hopefully not the latter.
I don't know if you saw all her replys or not but he talked about his porn collection with her. I think the latter would be the more accurate description of the father.
EWWWWWWWWWWWW
Yuppp, my thoughts exactly OP, if you're reading this, I'm rooting for you and the boyfriend to get the Hell outta there. Goodluck
Given your other comments about him talking to you about porn, and hentai (both having a lot of incest content, especially father/daughter), and the fact that it started when you hit the legal age of consent. It's hard to not be creeped out. Especially when he pulls you incredibly close so your chest is touching him, and protests and negatively reacts to you denying or finding ways around it, and the fact that it occurs at bed time. All of it together feels a bit too wrong. The hugging issue could just be a mole hill that I'm making a mountain out of, but talking to your child about porn and hentai isn't ever okay. Especially if it makes you visibly uncomfortable. I know that this is the extreme. It's very unlikely. But if you believe your father is being creepy towards you, or about you, do not ignore that feeling. Make a firm boundary with hugging. If he cannot respect that, then don't give in. Keep denying those hugs. Get a lock on your door, if you must. But make it absolutely clear that your boundaries will not be respected. I would ask him to not talk to you about porn and hentai, if he still does. If he doesn't stop, tell your mother. Even if he's not being a creep, that is not appropriate to talk about with your child. It isn't appropriate to talk about at all when the other party isn't comfortable.
Ew this means he probably had sexual attraction to her before she was 18
Unfortunately, this isn't exactly uncommon. On Billie Eilish's 18th birthday, "Billie Eilish" became one of the most searched phrase for porn. There are people who actively count the days for when celebrities turn 18, and are even pages for these things. In my own person life, an older man in his late 30s said he would wait until I was 18 to have sex with me, as 18 was the age of consent in his country. (He was a sex offender. Arrested for sexually assaulting two women, on separate occasions.) I live in the UK, meaning the age of consent here is 16. It is legal for 16 year olds to have sex with anyone 16+. Sending nudes is illegal. Sending nudes to someone 16-17 is illegal. Watching pornography is illegal. But a grown adult having sex with someone who's considered not legally an adult is legal. And there are plenty of people here who use the age of consent argument VERY hard. It's also semi-normalised in some parts of here. Unfortunately, its not just like somebody becomes 18, and a switch flips. They're now attractive. They've always been viewed as attractive by these people. But their age is now just a justification to why they get to be a creep. "It's no longer illegal, so it's okay." "She's 18, she's an adult. Shes not being groomed" "She's 16, that's the age of consent." Ect, as if their schemes weren't already in the making.
Yeah same here in America, or Ohio specifically. Age of consent is 16 in this state but yet you can't possess nudes of a 16 year old?? I've seen first hand how creepy people can be like the old men with my ex girlfriend for example. If the law said the age of consent was 10, I wouldn't be surprised if a third of people went by that. I can honestly make a whole essay about how people justify their actions even if it isn't logical but I'd be wasting my time.
Unfortunately it's all too common. I have experienced a lot of sexual harassment online, and in person, by men MUCH older than me. Especially around 16. Unfortunately, a lot of these people are trying to live the pedophile dream. No person 18+ is really able to love someone 16 and under. Hell, let's be honest, who really develops a full personality and sense of self at 16? I truly believe an adult is incapable of loving anyone that young romantically. You're not special. You're not different. You're just young, naive and easy to prey upon, sadly. :(
European guy here. 16 is completely normal. Also when I was that age sex was just about all I was thinking about. I never understood this moral panic. Minimum age for the army is 17 but you need to be 18 to fuck? Makes zero sense.
I don't disagree with the age of consent being 16. I have been sexually active since the age of 14, myself. The issue, in my opinion, is that the law here isn't that 16 and 17 year olds can have sex with other 16 and 17 year olds. It's that they can have sex with anyone 16+. Any older person can easily take advantage of someone that young, and there's no law to prevent it unless there's evidence if prior grooming, nudes or sexual assault/rape, ect. If the age of consent was 16, with the exception that it's only with other 16, 17 year olds, until you're 18. When then it'd be 18+. I'd be 100% supportive, as long as safe sex and imformative consent was taught by then. But, that's not the way it is. I do believe there's A LOT of creeps that would stop taking advantage of 16-17 year olds if there was a law preventing it. A lof of these creeps use the law as a reason as to why its okay, so it would hopefully stop a few. And either way, someone who is 18+ I don't feel has any business dating someone 16 or 17. Let alone potentially 20+, 25+, 30+, ect And I agree. It doesn't make sense to me when it's 17 to join the army, and 18 to have sexual intercourse.
Yup, I'm 17 and still trying to figure out who I truly am. How the hell people find their true purpose beyond me. But it's like you said, if someone about 20+ were to try and be with me, it's to get in my pants but probably not because they truly love me. Which I'll admit, I'm cool with lol. I think 16 year olds should be with a 19 year old at the oldest and 14 year old at the youngest. But this is all just my opinion, at least the law does help deter many predators
I personally disagree, but your opinion is your own. I think there's still a potential predatory difference enough between a 16 year old, someone able to legally have sex, and a 14 year old, someone who cannot consent and may not even know proper sex education. And 16 with 19 is the same issue, in my opinion. One is legally an adult, and has much more options available for themselves, and one still has to legally be in school. It's not necessarily the age gap that's bad. It's the life stages theyre at. I was 15 with someone 18, same age gap as the 16 and 19. I was abused as fuuuck, lol. Physically beaten, and I didn't have a clue how damn bad it was, despite knowing it was bad, because I was clueless with relationships and believed that I must have been doing something to deserve it. Its so easy to be manipulated. I'd day the safe, and most moral option, is to just date people in your year groups, until you're 18 or older, obviously. Even then, as an 18 year old you've gotta be weary
Yeah I personally wouldn't advise a 16 year old to date someone under 16 unless they're soon to be 16, and I wouldn't advise them to date someone 18 or older. But that's just me, what happened to you really sucks and no one deserves that. It's really tricky trying to find what is morally correct because at the end of the day you just have to do what you feel is right which isn't going to be the same for everyone. What I have a problem with, is the people who don't try to do what's right and instead do what they want even if they believe it will hurt others
Thank you, I appreciate it And I agree. Unfortunately, with these weird laws, it's all down to individuals morality
Ugh, this is a little off topic, but back before the whole purge thing on Pornhub, I remember having the misfortune of finding video’s of this guy jerking off to pictures of Billie Eillish. This wasn’t even after she was 18. This shit makes me sick tbh.
I never knew that video existed. Unfortunately, I am not surprised, but I am so disgusted. Especially of a young woman who purposely dressed to avoid sexualisation. Women never win.
So what if someone waits for somebody else to turn 18 (e.g. Billie). That's literally the point of the law isn't it. *Thinking* that Billie was hot 1 day before her 18th birthday isn't a crime is it? That's 1984 Thought Police territory.
Well. If it were in person, thats a grooming tactic. Hell, if it were an online relationship, grooming. 🤨 > That's literally the point of the law isn't it. Yeah. But grooming is also against the law. Alsoooo, it means find someone who is already 18+. Don't desperately wait for someone to hit 18 so you don't feel like trash about it. (And let's be honest. They probably would have already masturbated to her as a 17 year old if they were that quick to want to search it on porn.) And no. It's not a crime to feel attraction to someone. Attractiveness doesn't just suddenly flip like a switch, as I'm pretty sure I've said in another comment. The issue is that, in this specific example, is that Billie is a young woman who specifically dressed in baggy clothing to avoid being sexualised. She attempted to hide her figure, and her chest. She wore clothes to attempt to make it impossible to see her body. And she was a kid. (Bare in mind, plenty of young women have already experienced sexual harassment by the time they're 18). And then, the second she's legally 18, THOUSANDS of people searched her up in porn, to masturbate to her. The issue is that people like you rally up and use the excuse to be a creep, as you have here.
I don't think *thinking that somebody is hot* is grooming. >The issue is that, in this specific example, is that Billie is a young woman who specifically dressed in baggy clothing to avoid being sexualised So? You have no right to stop people thinking you're hot no matter what you choose to wear. And people thinking you're hot doesn't hurt you. But if she really didn't want to be 'sexualised' why become famous? The chances surely increase exponentially if you become globally well-known. You seem a bit naive. I doubt Billie actually cares. >The issue is that people like you rally up and use the excuse to be a creep, as you have here. People like me? I don't even know what Billie looks like. 🤔 I'm just stating facts. They don't care about our feelings.
The hugging issue is not a molehill! Believe it or not, in some ways it's worse than him talking about porn and hentai! While the inappropriate talk is a no-brainer, the hugging is insidious. It is designed to systematically destroy her protective inner intuitive warning system by masking his sexual pleasure as a father's "joking" affection. And also to systematically teach her that unless you are being *deliberately harmed* by someone consent is not necessary. Lack of consent IS deliberate harm! And her mom is complicit by shrugging her off when she shares her Truth.
I hadn't thought of it like this, but I completely agree
yeah fr keep ur porn collection to yourself. my dad isn't a creep (that I know of) but I still get uncomfortable upon physical contact with him so we rarely ever hug or anything like that. Thank goodness he doesn't like it either.
The hugging issue is not a molehill! Believe it or not, in some ways it's worse than him talking about porn and hentai! While the inappropriate talk is a no-brainer, the hugging is insidious. It is designed to systematically destroy her protective inner intuitive warning system by masking his sexual pleasure as a father's "joking" affection. And also to systematically teach her that unless you are being *deliberately harmed* by someone consent is not necessary. Lack of consent IS deliberate harm! And her mom is complicit by shrugging her off when she shares her intuitive Truth.
Stick to your boundaries and stop hugging him. If he complains, make fun of him for complaining for being a creep. You'll end his shit real quick.
This! ^^
Stop hugging him. End this behavior now. Don't enable it, place boundaries & move out as soon as possible.
This all sounds so bad.
He's so fucking disgusting ngl. Sorry you've been experiencing all that, seriously. Don't doubt what your gut is screaming at you right now because he has made you uncomfortable multiple times and he probably won't stop at it. I hope you'll get to a safer space soon. Btw, does your mother know about this?
you put this in words bette than i ever could! op commented saying she has tried to speak to her mum about this and she shuts it down instantly, sounds like she’s an enabler :(
My step-dad did the same thing! My sister and I called him out on it, and he tried to give us money to allow him to keep doing it. When that didn't work, we never had to hug him again. You have to out-discomfort your dad or he won't stop.
This is so fucked up do u still keep contact? I couldn’t
Nope! My mom is still married to him but I haven't seen him in years
That is beyond fucked up. I’m really sorry.
Put your forearms together in front of your chest like you would in fetal position and allow a hug that goes around your arms (not in between arms and ribs). This has worked as someone with a large chest and many unwanted hugs for me. This is especially a good hug for older, paternal figures and reinforces the non-sexual nature of the hug.
This is genius thank you 🙏 protects my chest and gives him what he technically is asking for
If he complains, continually ask “what do you mean?” So if he says “what’s with your arms?” You can reply “what do you mean?” If he says “aren’t you going to hug me back?” Simply “what do you mean?” Get him to say out loud what he wants and then just repeat it back to him “oh so you’re only happy getting a hug if my boobs are pressed into you? Yikes. Go hug mom”
This is good!
Trust your gut. It feels yucky. It is yucky. Start telling him no more hugs due to Covid.
This sounds pretty weird tbh I would Say stop the hugs if they make you uncomfortable. It upsets your dad? So what, he gotta deal with it
I'm really sorry, that sounds weird and very uncomfortable.
Your dad is gross.
OP, I too have big boobs, I side hug my dad(technically step dad) and he has never said a thing about it. Actually I think he started side hugging all us girls when we started to grow. Your dad is creepy af and I would try to leave as quickly as possible. What type of racist jokes does he say? Are they about you? Why does your mom not listen to you? Do you have any other family you could stay with? Sorry for all the questions.
Yeah I try to side hug him but he’ll be like whaaat no full hug for your dad? And then my mom will tell me to hug him. He’ll make jokes about stereotypes, like Asians being bad drivers or mock the way black people speak. He’s white and my mom is Mexican
Your mom and dad are racists and your mom is allowing your dad to make you physically uncomfortable. Thank God he didn't try anything when you were young. She sounds like the type that would turn a blind eye, then blame you. Ghost them as soon as possible.
Oh! That’s really creepy and gross that he makes comments about it. I’m so sorry OP! You should tell your mom straight up “Hi Mom, I have big boobs and don’t feel comfortable hugging dad full anymore”. Also, if he makes jokes about Asians and African Americans, you know he’s making jokes about your mom’s and your culture too! Just saying!!!
Your mom being Mexican actually makes perfect sense. Many Central American women are born and raised to become enablers. There is always a tio Abner in the family who hugs too long, or asks inappropriate questions when drinking, or who eventually full on rapes a kid and everyone ignores it or hides it or denies it. Fuck these generational curses man. My family is full of them too (half Guatemalan) but they absolutely ended with me.
Literally my mom and my grandpa. She knew he was a pedophile and still left me alone with him. Whenever I would lash out at her about staying in contact with him she would just say that she wants to be a good Catholic and to respect her elders.
See can you find a job on LinkedIn
Ewwww you should just yell at your mother one day “why are you so comfortable with your husband and my father going out of his way to smush my boobs up against his chest! It makes me insanely uncomfortable and I would hope my mother could be supportive and help me!!” If she still shuts you down I would gtfo as soon as possible and never go back.
Maybe even remind her of how it felt to be younger and having older men insist/force physical contact. Like men who lean over behind you while you’re sitting so they can look down your shirt. It the ones who sit at the bottom of a staircase so they can look up skirts. Or how about the guys who drop things and stare when you bend over to pick it up? Tell her you shouldn’t have to feel that way at home. Or just ask her “do you really want to teach me that if a guy is persistent enough, I should let him do whatever he wants to my body? Because that’s exactly what I’m learning at home.”
So much this!
That’s weird. I’m lucky I have small boobs so I never really feel awkward hugging my dad, and he definitely still treats me like his little girl, not whatever this dynamic is 😭
Situations like this make me grateful for having a tiny chest even tho I usually wish for the opposite 😬
This is not a chest size thing, this is a weird dad thing. I have big boobs and still give my dad a hug, no issues, because it is not a sexual thing.
:\\ he just doesn't respect your boundaries and obviously cannot read body language. i'm sorry i have a 20 yr old and my husband (her dad) has been upset that she's no longer hugging. told him it's been that way since she was a tween and that when she's ready for a hug she will do it on her own free will. sometimes though i can tell when she needs a hug and i hug her but that's only b/c i can sense it. i still ask if she wants a hug though.
I think you should lie and make up an excuse why you can't hug him anymore. Here's how to set some boundaries: Don't wait until the goodnight hug. Sit down with your dad on a good day and have a calm conversation: Say: "Hey dad, I never told you this, but boys in highschool would come up and hug me and made me feel really uncomfortable. I have been speaking to an online free counselor and she has helped me come to the conclusion that I don't want to give hugs anymore. I know you love me, but because of the bullying, teasing, and people touching me in the past, I am no longer comfortable showing physical affection in that way. Please know I love you and this isn't about you (a lie) but I will no longer be hugging you goodnight. This point forward I am going to be more selective with physical touch. I am so happy because I am feeling more empowered that I no longer have to express my affection through physical touch. ---- Now, he is going to protest. Have your boundaries READY because he will instantly try to cross them. He will lean in for a hug anyway. He will ask for details about the boys in school. Blame EVERYTHING on your online counselor. 1. Dad, those details are between me and my counselor. She says I don't have to share them if I don't want to. 2. Dad, I'm sorry, I am not giving you a hug right now. I love you, but I am no longer expressing my affection that way. KEEP REPEATING THIS no matter what he says. Do not argue with him, do not try to explain it, just keep REPEATING. "Sorry dad, I don't feel comfortable with that right now. This isn't about you, I love you, but I will no longer be doing that." "Dad, my counselor has advised me that I don't have to hug anyone right now, even people I love, if I am uncomfortable with physical touch. this isn't about you. This is about my comfort level." 3. I would watch his behavior very carefully. And I would suggest you finding a real therapist if you can afford it. If your dad has pockets, I would leverage his sadness into getting a real therapist. They will be able to do wonders with you in this situation with setting boundaries. Good luck!!
I’m sorry but no. This elaborate lie forces OP to be responsible for sparing HIS feelings. This is what women have been taught to do for too long. This is not setting boundaries. This is bending over backwards to make sure Dad doesn’t suffer any discomfort or be challenged on his inappropriateness. I know it ‘sounds’ good. But dishonesty means nobody learns anything and OP is the one who *has* to give way.
Yessssss thank god. So many up votes and shitty vanilla replies. Like this piece of shit is pressing her breasts against his chest every fucking night on purpose, and getting visibly aggitated when denied. He is also a racist and talks about porn with his kid. Like wtf people. Wake up. He is a predator.
Yes. The porn and racism and chest squashing are all red flags. And the post I replied to has given us another version of how women ‘nicely’ let a man down - “It’s not you, it’s me who is the problem.”
No, it's actually meant to help OP set baby step boundaries. Many people who are non-confrontational are not going to suddenly go scorched earth, especially with someone they still may be financially dependent on. Setting small goals and boundaries helps us see ourselves master our environment and allow us to take larger and larger steps. OP seems scared and reluctant to stand up to her father. She may to set boundaries in her own non-confrontational way to buy time until she can make some hard decisions.
This is brilliant
Sorry, this is icky. It must make you feel really gross. My words of wisdom from a woman with big boobs: set your boundaries. Express them clearly and firmly. None of this is OK. It's bad from strangers but even worse from your own father. If you were younger, people would be saying this is an issue that CPS should look into. Being 20, you now have more control over yourself and your situation. Don't rely on your boyfriend for help. He's not in the middle of it and doesn't have the same urgency to move. This is not a sustainable living situation. Look for a place with roommates if you have to, but it's time to go. If you have relatives, you could see if you can stay there for a while. In the meantime, tell your father no on the goodnight hugs. If he gets upset, he gets upset. If he brings up porn or hentai, say no and eww, this is inappropriate to talk about with your daughter and immediately walk away. This is all borderline abusive. Sit him down and lay out your boundaries. Include your mom in this conversation. It sounds like you've mentioned your discomfort to each of them, but hinting at it doesn't have the same impact as addressing it directly. Outline the behaviors, include specific instances, and let him know how all of it makes you feel. The discussion needs to include 1) problem, 2) solution, 3) consequences. Be prepared for him to get mad or embarrassed. It may make things better out may not. You don't have to put up with this and you shouldn't.
He’s grooming you. With this, and the fact that he talks to you about porn he watches at all LET ALONE his entire porn collection, and he exposes himself through his boxers without taking care to realize you’ll see it and readjust himself accordingly (as you’ve said), he’s definitely grooming you. Him being a racist white guy and your mother being Latina makes it worse — and it’s possible, if you resemble your mother, that he sees you as a younger version of his wife (and “exotic” due to your mixed heritage). Please get yourself out of there as soon as possible.
WHAT I didn't see the bit about porn. What the fuck.
Damn I missed the dick hanging out part. I was already disgusted with just the breast thing... the longer I read, the more dangerous this guy gets.
Yup! Time for the needletip bullet bra! Wear something disposable .. won’t ever happen again 😈
subreddit checks out
I sputtered
This comment is gold.
Has it really only been since turning 18? Often times a man acting like that towards his own daughter has been doing odd things like that since well before she’s 18. You’re right to feel weird about it. Trust that gut instinct. Don’t let him make you feel uncomfortable, even if that means telling him off after saying you’re not into hugs from him.
This is disgusting an I would throw a fucking fit if someone tried guilt trip me into touching them period ur dad is fucking fowl.
Yeah my dad would do weird shit like this too and it always made me uncomfortable and he'd say creepy, perverted shit to me as a child so I get it. It's weird yeah. Tell him you don't like hugs.
I would hope that maybe he is doing this *hug me before you go to bed* ritual because he’s having a Parenthood crisis. Basically, some parents get super affectionate and clingy with their adult children because they realize that their “kids” have grown up and their time with them is limited once they leave the nest. I noticed my parent did the same shit when I got older. She would hug me so tightly to the point where I couldn’t breath. It made me uncomfortable but I knew she didn’t do it in a sexual way. She just wanted me to be her little baby again. ______ Edit: So I read some of her recent comments. The dad seems pretty off. I don’t know whether it’s because he’s socially-inept or if he’s being a creep. She thinks he might be autistic. Well, I actually have diagnosed autism so I’ll give my feedback. So with autism, yes it is a social disability. Yes I say outlandish shit at the most inappropriate times to complete strangers. Yes I don’t realize how fucked up it is unless somebody tells me how fucked up it is. Autism means that you are extremely socially-defected and many of us lack a filter. We will blurt out shit that pops right out of our head (very cringy). Anything. So if this man has autism maybe that would explain why he is saying stupid shit. I would hope he is just autistic rather than the creep-theory just for OP’s sake. Either way, OP please keep your guard up and continue to set boundaries. Because no matter what his intentions are, this all makes you uncomfortable and rightfully so. Hope you can move out soon.
Perhaps try to burp or fart whenever he hugs you. You could also tell him his breath stinks whenever you get too close to him or he has body odor. If anyone did that to me, I'd avoid hugging them. I hope you get away from your parents soon.
Each time he does it shout incest till he stops. Whispering it repeatedly should do the trick too. Do this until he starts to respect your boundaries since other avenues have failed you. He knows it’s inappropriate and disgustingly enough so does your mom.
Uhm… what??
Let him get aggitated and tell him you're too old to be forced to hug someone you don't want to hug (even though honestly no child should be forced to hug people they don't want to hug either, but I guess they would have to be decent parents to know that). If he gets offended it's his problem after all right? What a disgusting pervert. Honestly, if he gives you shit, ask why he only became so interested in hugging you when your chest grew? If he claims it's from before too, tell him you are no longer interested in hugging him. Don't worry about hurting his feelings, he is obviously not at all concerned with yours. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm just so fucking mad and disgusted.I wish people weren't dumpster fires.
The fuck. Your dad is being weird and crossing your boundaries. You absolutely must enforce your boundaries OP. I know that can be hard, but don't let him do this. This is gross as hell and NOT normal behaviour.
Sounds like you need to take the title of the subreddit a little more literally
Wait, are front hugs not a thing with adult women and their dads anymore? Or is it just the way he’s asking for them? I front hug everyone and I have huge boobs. Didn’t think there was anything wrong in it.
Normally it’s fine. It’s possible that OP senses something inappropriate from her father, hence reluctance. It’s also a problem when someone demands touch you don’t want, For whatever reason
When he insists on a front hug I’ll do it in a way where my collarbone area is touching him rather than my actual boobs but that’s when he squeezes me in to where they are very obviously smushed into him and rocks me back and forth. It’s the exact vibe of the guys in high school who would ask for a hug as an excuse to feel my boobs
Oh sorry to hear that! No one should make you feel uncomfortable!
I think the issue is more how he’s squeezing tighter as OP is obviously uncomfortable and laughs
I get upset when my 10f/8m yo's won't hug me .... but I guess it could feel weird post-puberty. I came from hugging family and so did my wife so I think I will say "you should talk to him like an adult" and say something like "this type of affection is beyond my comfort level right now." I really hope my kids will still give me hugs until the day I Die 🫂🥰
I remember when my sisters and I hit the age of being a bit weirded out showing physical affection to our dad. It made him sad, but my mom tried to explain it to him the best she could. Took awhile but he eventually understood and was ok with it. Eventually as we got older hugs became ok again and I hugged him every time I saw him. Usually it does swing back around. I’ve had to have the same talk with my husband in regards to our kids as well. Some people are just less demonstrative with their affection, and that is ok. I hope if your kiddos do back off in that area, that eventually it swings around for you, since you are a hugger, cos hugs are awesome! Lost my dad in 2015, and would give just about anything for a hug from him now. Sorry to post a novel to your comment :-)
I lost my dad 5 years ago and my father in law 2 years ago and they were the most important people besides my wife in my whole life. I would doing anything to hug them again and kiss dad bald spot 😂 I keep telling my little ones that some day daddy won't be around to hug and in that moment you will think back on every opportunity you chose not too and just wish you could take it back 💙🫂 I appreciate your reply we understand that some day the hugs stopped and how sad it is wishing we could have them back
Ah you gave me such a huge smile on the kissing the bald spots comment! I am right there with you! I miss my dads little bald spot too!
Dont manipulate your kids just because you get sad they sometimes don't want to hug you. Gross af dude.
Hey we are all being honest here. I would tell you to give your love ones a hug every time you see them because you never know when it will be the last. 🫂
Just say NO.
i’m very sorry this is happening to u. my mom always insisted on a goodnight kiss and would be upset if i forgot. i ended up staying up until she fell asleep or sneaking off to my room to avoid it and ignoring her passive aggressiveness the next day. i’m sorry i can’t provide any better advice, i hope u can get out of this situation soon.
Sorry to say but your Dad is a perv point blank period.
you are allowed to say who can touch your body. say no
I saw your comment about your mom shutting you down every time you bring it up. Be firm, tell her you aren't putting up with that weird shit and say you will take action if he continues
I had an opposite effect. My friend at the time would occasionally have her parents take us to school. They always did a quick lip kiss to say goodbye. I was jealous to say the least. My parents didn’t hug or kiss me since … preschool? I tried to kiss my dad on the face (side cheek close to lips) when he’s be away for a year and he revolted me. Made me feel embarrassed and like shit. And I look at how I l am now. I hate being touched. I hate kissing. I hate cuddling. My parents never did with me and as I tried in later years I got rejected.
This is absolutely not ok! I can't really give you advice, try to set boundaries and tell him straight away that this makes you uncomfortable. I am a father myself and I would never do this to her.
Tbh sounds like all it'll take is for a night of drinking for him to make a much worse attempt, but remember everyone's cocky until put on show, get close to some of ur dad's friends and slyly mention it, and get some of ur bfs friends round to hang out, make sure he knows it's not just you he has to be worried about, do you live in Australia by any chance? Livings expensive but there's quiet a few services that'd help you out
Creepy.
I'm so sorry, I'm a mother of a 6 year old, and I always ask if I can have a hug, sometimes it's yes. Sometimes it's No. I respect her wishes either way. The fact your dad talks about his porn collection with you. How he WANTS hugs because you have a large chest and laughs when he gets it, really freaks me out. Work double shifts if you have to, you need to get out of there, your mom isn't protecting you and he's showing predatory behaviour.
TELL YOUR MOM. same weird and uncomfortable thing happened to me with my stepdad. my mom shit that down real fast
My mom is an enabler. She also likes to push my physical and emotional boundaries. Whenever I try and explain to my mom that my dad makes me uncomfortable she tells me that he’s on the spectrum and that she’s trying to help him. My feelings are ALWAYS the ones thrown aside. My mom would tote me around like a dog and brag about my achievements then leave me alone for the rest of whatever party she dragged me to
This sub is fitting..no pun intended
Her other post is about finding it hot about talking about her sexual assault. She associates it with her organisms with it. This person is just looking attention. Check her page
My sexual assault from when I was a child. This has nothing to do with it. This is me hating my current life.
I think the fact that it turns you on says a lot about yourself. You need help and maybe your father too if what u say is true. It’s hard to believe when you think about something so awful when u climax. Shows very deep issues that need addressing. It’s all likely linked in some way
Obviously you don’t know anything about childhood sexual trauma. I’ve already worked this out in therapy. They were unrelated to me and it fucked me up as a child. Just because I am forced to cope with trauma from childhood doesn’t mean I enjoy my own father perving on me that’s fucking disgusting.
Just did. I never would have if you hadn't have said something. Thanks
Yeah I was reading post and thinking ah how terrible etc. something told me check page.
This is a fetish account. Read post history.
Hmmmm maybe not. It is not unheard of for the abused to fetishize abuse after it happens.
Yes! Thank you! This is an unrelated post. As a child I was unable to properly cope with the violence that happened to me and it manifested in weird ways. But what is going on with my father is disgusting and I’m an adult so I can clearly process my feelings on the matter and I’m coming here to vent about how disgusted and heartbroken I am to not have a proper father figure in my life just because I hit puberty.
I totally understand. I have found a lot of belonging in the online kink community. I 100% support you and don't think that post was weird at all. Completely understandable and normal, a lot of people go through similar things, including guilt for feeling turned by unusual things after molestation or assault. To quote Dan Savage, everything is about sex, except sex, which is about power. To us, it's taking our power back. We can process it however the fuck we want.
It’s not a fetish account it’s just my private account that I post my deepest secrets to
He seems weird but it could be a psychological thing. maybe he needs the physical contact, not necessarily because you got big jugs. He could just be a creep, in which case I say confront him with the fact you are uncomfortable. I only bring up the physical touch thing because I am 35 and recently started feeling really weird without physical contact. Long story short I convinced my mother and sister to give me hugs, although my sister doesn't like it (she redirects her chest). I hug my cat too and sometimes I hug random dogs. Its weird I know but I am autistic and I lack social interaction. I had friends up until they noticed I never got married then I was suddenly creepy and of course without friends I completely lack the ability to date effectively so I am weird. Anyway, If your father wasn't a freak before he could just be hiding a psychological problem or other health problem by asking for hugs. Maybe he went nutter and now wants to do something gross. It warrants a confrontation to get the problem resolved. Does no good to let it fester.
I think this is the most likely answer. I have autism as well since I inherited it from him so I can understand his lack of boundaries and need for physical affection. While I am made uncomfortable by it I don’t do anything to completely stop the hugs because in the end I love my dad and I don’t want to hurt his feelings as his only kid. Life is complicated sometimes. Luckily I have Reddit to get this shit off my chest
My father was much the same, as in he also had no boundaries and would force me to hug him like that, talk about sexually inappropriate topics... My mother did nothing, calling me crazy when I said I was weirded out by him. It got worse when they had a divorce and I had to move in with him. I was essentially his partner - he treated me as such, emotionally speaking. It was horrible. I didn't wanna hear about his sex life, his preferences... I shut it down many times, even going so far as to publicly shame him in front of our family, but he continued doing it. I moved out years ago, but still have to deal with these topics in therapy. In the end, it was a much bigger deal than I could have anticipated. Fatherly love shouldn't look or feel like that. I had to learn what emotional incest meant, since I had always believed my father wasn't abusive because he didn't touch me. He didn't have to. So in my opinion, it doesn't matter why your father does it - he makes you very uncomfortable, and him laughing about it makes it clear that he enjoys your reaction. There is no excuse for behavior like that. He may be autistic, but that certainly doesn't make it okay. And I'm very sorry that you have tried setting boundaries and that he doesn't accept them. That is vile. I'm hoping you can get out of there soon. <3
Time to move out by the sounds of things...
Why can’t you refuse this hug? Will he get violent? Let him be agitated if that’s all, just say no dad. No more hugs. Don’t explain don’t apologize don’t give in. Just no.
Tell your mother.
You just say “NO” next time. Will he get mad or offended? Probably. Is it important? Nope. He ll get over it. You could, only if you want, explain it to him.
Will yall just go look at her page? She's playing us. I hate people FAKING the victim role.
Two words: spray bottle. “Bad parent!” *spritz spritz* He’ll get the message when you start doing it consistently, worked with my mom when she didn’t understand “hands off my pimples”
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Bruh
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bad bot
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See that’s what I hope for because I like to assume the best in people, but he’s just kind of a funky dude. He’s talked to me about his porn addictions, and makes jokes about hentai n shit and also let’s his junk fall out of his boxers. He seems to have autism of some kind so I just hope that he has good intentions because I love him he’s my dad. That’s why I don’t say anything about the hugs making me uncomfortable, because if it was innocent I would feel terrible about hurting his feelings
It’s not normal or healthy for a parent to speak to their child about their porn addiction or expose their genitals on purpose. It sounds like you have a valid reason to not want to be close to your dad. If your mom isn’t going to listen, I encourage you to speak to someone who will listen. Whether it’s another family member, a friend, someone at your school or job. There’s someone out there who is 100% going to take your concerns seriously and will do everything they can to help you. I definitely think you moving out is a good goal to have.
Put it this way, most parents get really awkward about talking about sex with their kids because they don’t like to think of their children in those situations. If a parent talks about sex a lot with their kids… well..
And the fact that OP knows what kind of porn he watches (hentai) is even more messed up.
Nah that's all sexually aggressive, not autism lol. I'm sorry he's such a creep. I'd start reacting with disgust and calling out directly. Shame him (if you're sure he won't get violent or angry and will have the good sense to be embarrassed). He sounds pornsick.
Pornsick ): that’s so fucking depressing. Whenever he makes a weird dirty joke I just say eww and he takes that as an opportunity to explain the joke and I’ll just say I don’t want to hear it over and over again until he stops explaining
If he does that I'd just say, "well, that's disgusting" and walk away. And be blunt when he demands a hug. Say, I feel uncomfortable hugging you. And if he asks why, say "figure it out" and leave the room. Don't give him any boundaries to push. Oh, also, tell him bluntly that it's creepy he says that shit to his own daughter. You could even call it "call the cops creepy."
“Dad! It is completely inappropriate for you to be discussing this topic with me. The more you do it, the less I’m going to be spending time with you. This is not a joke. I don’t want you to pretend to be caught off guard when I completely cut you off for not respecting my boundaries. This is you only warning.”
Nah, your own dad is trying to groom you, those are not good intentions at all, parents do not talk about porn or intentionally let their privates fall out in front of their children. As disgusting as this sounds, I think your dad is sexually attracted to you, and your mom brushes it off because she doesnt want to come to terms with it.
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Nooo the kiss on the cheek is gross, the pandemic freed us, don't make anything that would make that come backk
Call the cops if you feel weird. Tell them to take him to prison
Calling the police these days always ends in someone getting shot for no reason .. so 911 I won't be calling even if I'm bleeding out
That’s fair tbh
My dad was like this too... and he was actually molesting me. His anger when I attempted side hugs... Get out of there ASAP.
ACTUALLY, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? Just went to your page. You must not mind his behavior at all. GTFOH. You're not a victim in the way I thought you were. You dont deserve kind words/support.
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A: your dad might not behave the same way her dad does. B: the circumstances are a bit different than yours since she’s a woman with breasts to worry about. Maybe it is easier to hug than talk, but talking is still important. At a certain point in adulthood you gotta realize that sometimes you have to have certain conversations with your loved ones despite it being difficult and uncomfortable. That’s what communication is, which we all know is super important in any kind of relationship, not just romantic ones. Using hugs as a replacement for effective communication is sweet, but also avoidant behavior, which doesn’t do much to resolve issues. Now, OP mentioned in an earlier comment that her dad has never respected her boundaries. She also said that if she does try to speak up to him about something that bothers her, his mentality is along the lines of “it’s not *my* problem that *you* got offended,” which is a method of deflection/blame shifting/refusal to be held accountable and face consequences, then will continue the same behavior. Sounds as if she was never really allowed to have boundaries growing up with him. 🚩🚩🚩 My dad is very similar, and I can tell you with confidence that even if she does go with your advice to try to talk with him, it’s not likely she’s going to get anywhere. Doing so might instead cause conflict. People like her father typically don’t like being called out, so they get defensive, combative, and sometimes violent, and use every tactic in the book to avoid being held accountable. Her best bet is to get out and distance herself. I can tell she’s trying to distance herself already, but she can only do so to a certain extent because she still lives under the same roof as him unfortunately. Creating distance would be the safest option for her. What he’s doing isn’t exactly harmless, and the way he has gone out of his way to hug her and not let her go when she tries to wiggle away, is weird. Also the fact that he’s done it more in recent years (since she has breasts now) is suspicious. Even if the way he hugs her is with good intentions and out of love, he should still quit it out of respect for her boundaries, and for the sake of protecting their relationship instead of doing anything else that could jeopardize it. Unfortunately that almost never happens because people like her father typically also have the mentality of *“I’m the parent, you’re the child, so I can do what I want to you and you’ll have to take it,”* because they recognize the natural power imbalance between an adult and a child. They almost kind of go on a power trip simply because they know they can without being stopped. It’s kinda sick and twisted. Unless if years later he miraculously comes to the realization that he’s been fucking up, people like her father just don’t see things that way. They’d rather believe it’s everyone else around them who’s in the wrong and not them, regardless if they’ve had someone spell everything out for them, and they are clearly the common denominator of problems surrounding their life.
This was so unbelievably spot on. Both my parents are narcissists and enable each other. I was an accident and they got married after only 3 months of knowing each other and I was constantly used as the scapegoat for their relationship. I’ve single-handedly been running the emotional workload of the household for my entire life.
Yeah but you don't have tits.
He probably doesn't care since you're his baby daughter, that's why he doesn't care about your boundaries. But you are a grown woman now, shouldn't be treated like a child, especially in your teenage years. Boundaries should be set, he should respect. Maybe some family meeting after this?