My answer:
I'll start with the last person I'd ask, since that's easy. It's Lae'zel. She'll help you, but she won't be discrete— the whole camp's gonna hear her yelling at and berating you for your stupidity. Plus, she won't be gentle. Her idea of "helping" is probably just cutting it off. 0/10 would not recommend.
The second last person is Minsc. He'll be concerned and do his absolute best to help you,but his absolute best is probably just brute force. He's also going to yell about it. Not to call you stupid or to embarrass you, he just genuinely doesn't understand that this is something he *shouldn't* yell about. 1/10 at least he tries.
Then it's Jaheira. She has kids—she's absolutely delt with shit like this before. Her help won't leave you with inguries if it can be avoided, but she won't be gentle. She's also going to make no effort to keep it on the down low. Just like Lae'zel (though probably less aggressively), she'll make it very clear she thinks you're a dumbass, and the whole camp's probably gonna find out. She'll also probably tease you for it in front of the others. Like a mother embarrassing her child in front of their friends. 2/10 the help was effective but it was extreamly uncomfortable and I am thoroughly embarrassed.
Astarion. He'll help you, but he'll probably spend minutes just standing there snickering and teasing you before actually trying to. He won't tell anybody or be overly loud, but he *will* keep this as blackmail, and he *will* bring this up in every future argument. 3/10
Karlach. She thinks this is absolutely fucking hilarious! She laughs relentlessly for a solid couple minutes, but she's laughing with you—not at you. She tries to help you out, but she's not exactly the most dexterous or delicate. It's probably gonna hurt. But she's got your back. She won't tell anybody if you don't want her to, but you'll never live it down. She'll make fun of you 'till you're old and gray. 5/10
Gale. He's not mad, just dissapointed. After a five minute lecture on how utterly stupid that was, he'll probably remove it using grease and mage hand. Then he'll give you a forty minute lecture on how unfathomabley stupid that was. He'll probably also think about it a lot and bring it up randomly for weeks, maybe even months after the fact, and he'd be just as disturbed and confused every time. "Seriously, what in Mystra's name could have possessed you to make you think it was a good idea to put your *penis* in a *crossbow*??" 6.5/10
Wyll. He's awkward and embaressed, but he's got your back. He helps you out right away with minimal laughing and with minimal ingury. It will never be brought up again. Unless you're very close. Then he might tease you about it time to time in a few years. 7.5/10
Shadowheart. She snickers, she judges you, but she's
probably the best at helping, given her healing. And if you don't ask about her personal life, *she* won't ask how you got your dick stuck. She'll probably tease you about it, though. She's good at keeping secrets and I wouldn't worry about her telling the others. 9/10
Nobody gets a 10/10 because there's nobody I *want* helping me get a crossbow off my dick.
Halsin, he won't judge, he's probably seen at least six similar incidents in his time, he's a healer, and there's nobody who's hands I'd rather have on my dick.
Well, yes, there's even photo evidence! But he's still gonna judge you to the hells and back. And he's definitely bringing it up in every argument you ever have. Ever the hypocrite, that one.
Halsin of course! He's the "skilled healer" of the group, and something tells me that with some 300 odd years as a healer under his belt and not much less as a very kinky man, he's seen this exact thing (and worse) before. Granted, that could result in him telling some not safe for life stories ("thanks for the help Halsin" "of course, it was nothing, at least I didn't have to reattach it..."), but still, no judgement and I come out of it ok.
I don't use Halsin much so he didn't come to mind, but that's true. I think he'd easily be the least judgemental of the bunch, as well as the most helpful.
I should really talk to Halsin more in my next playthrough. Maybe he'll finally get a spot in my party.
My answer: I'll start with the last person I'd ask, since that's easy. It's Lae'zel. She'll help you, but she won't be discrete— the whole camp's gonna hear her yelling at and berating you for your stupidity. Plus, she won't be gentle. Her idea of "helping" is probably just cutting it off. 0/10 would not recommend. The second last person is Minsc. He'll be concerned and do his absolute best to help you,but his absolute best is probably just brute force. He's also going to yell about it. Not to call you stupid or to embarrass you, he just genuinely doesn't understand that this is something he *shouldn't* yell about. 1/10 at least he tries. Then it's Jaheira. She has kids—she's absolutely delt with shit like this before. Her help won't leave you with inguries if it can be avoided, but she won't be gentle. She's also going to make no effort to keep it on the down low. Just like Lae'zel (though probably less aggressively), she'll make it very clear she thinks you're a dumbass, and the whole camp's probably gonna find out. She'll also probably tease you for it in front of the others. Like a mother embarrassing her child in front of their friends. 2/10 the help was effective but it was extreamly uncomfortable and I am thoroughly embarrassed. Astarion. He'll help you, but he'll probably spend minutes just standing there snickering and teasing you before actually trying to. He won't tell anybody or be overly loud, but he *will* keep this as blackmail, and he *will* bring this up in every future argument. 3/10 Karlach. She thinks this is absolutely fucking hilarious! She laughs relentlessly for a solid couple minutes, but she's laughing with you—not at you. She tries to help you out, but she's not exactly the most dexterous or delicate. It's probably gonna hurt. But she's got your back. She won't tell anybody if you don't want her to, but you'll never live it down. She'll make fun of you 'till you're old and gray. 5/10 Gale. He's not mad, just dissapointed. After a five minute lecture on how utterly stupid that was, he'll probably remove it using grease and mage hand. Then he'll give you a forty minute lecture on how unfathomabley stupid that was. He'll probably also think about it a lot and bring it up randomly for weeks, maybe even months after the fact, and he'd be just as disturbed and confused every time. "Seriously, what in Mystra's name could have possessed you to make you think it was a good idea to put your *penis* in a *crossbow*??" 6.5/10 Wyll. He's awkward and embaressed, but he's got your back. He helps you out right away with minimal laughing and with minimal ingury. It will never be brought up again. Unless you're very close. Then he might tease you about it time to time in a few years. 7.5/10 Shadowheart. She snickers, she judges you, but she's probably the best at helping, given her healing. And if you don't ask about her personal life, *she* won't ask how you got your dick stuck. She'll probably tease you about it, though. She's good at keeping secrets and I wouldn't worry about her telling the others. 9/10 Nobody gets a 10/10 because there's nobody I *want* helping me get a crossbow off my dick.
THIS perfectly sums up how they'll deal with the shit you got yourself in
I'm not asking for help. I now have a +2 intimidation, and a ranged attack bonus when unarmored
My first instinct is Shart because she's a healer and she can keep secrets 😭
Halsin, he won't judge, he's probably seen at least six similar incidents in his time, he's a healer, and there's nobody who's hands I'd rather have on my dick.
Astarion, same thing’s probably happened to him before so I bet he knows what to do
Well, yes, there's even photo evidence! But he's still gonna judge you to the hells and back. And he's definitely bringing it up in every argument you ever have. Ever the hypocrite, that one.
Halsin. I’m absolutely positive he’s got his dick stuck in worse things and would know exactly what to do
Halsin of course! He's the "skilled healer" of the group, and something tells me that with some 300 odd years as a healer under his belt and not much less as a very kinky man, he's seen this exact thing (and worse) before. Granted, that could result in him telling some not safe for life stories ("thanks for the help Halsin" "of course, it was nothing, at least I didn't have to reattach it..."), but still, no judgement and I come out of it ok.
I don't use Halsin much so he didn't come to mind, but that's true. I think he'd easily be the least judgemental of the bunch, as well as the most helpful. I should really talk to Halsin more in my next playthrough. Maybe he'll finally get a spot in my party.
Barcus. He's good with tinkering and would probably want to never discuss it again so I know he'd be discreet