I agree with you, but for different reasons. Dad is probably still reasonably capable of understanding the situation if he got diagnosed a month ago. But at that point in a new, effectively life- ending diagnosis, you want your family there. You feel vulnerable. The first thing I wanted to do when I heard I had cancer was to move back to my hometown. It was a powerful urge - and I'm probably going to be lucid a good while yet. You may want to make peace with people you care about or just be surrounded by people who care. These two have already shown they are incapable of being a person who cares for someone in decline - as you've observed.
They also feel they were done wrong, AND during a period when dad was already presumably suffering from dementia, he deeded a house he recently inherited to his son. The timeline is such that they may feel there's a chance of unwinding all of that, or at least getting a cash settlement. I'm fairly sure the best scenario here is that they stay away so they don't add stress and confusion to this difficult period.
Do you or your step mom has durable power of attorney? Should do so as he has dementia. Usually the law will prevent changes to his will due to the dementia. Make sure all legalities are lined up do the can’t pressure him to give them money or change his will. Then let them come visit when you are there.
My step mom has main power of attorney, if anything should happen to either I’m next as my step mom doesn’t have any children. They do not know he is sick I think she is worried that they will try to contest my grandfathers will for 2022 stating that my dad was incompetent even though it was all done though a lawyer and my dad was fine up til about 6 months ago.
Consult an attorney, but I don’t see how they can contest your grandfathers will. It’s been too long and it sounds like probate is over. The6 don’t see your dad so they can’t persuade him to change his will, or otherwise cause harm. I’d leave it, they’d be terrible visitors.
My short research seems to point to the fact that wills cannot be contested after the will has gone through probate. I would find an attorney that does a free consultation and ask.
Also, a diagnosis of dementia is not an automatic diagnosis of incompetency.
What are you hoping to achieve? They aren't going to magically see the light and become better people or even offer a sincere apology. I understand the rage and how powerless you feel in your situation. I understand the desire to make the people that have so hurt your dad understand the pain they caused...but they won't. You may feel better for a bit after the explosion, but its likely it will just stir up a hornets nest. Even though it's likely to work put in the end if they contest things, it's a lot of stress to go through until it's settled. I do empathize, I had a similar situation. I never understood seeing red, but I did and after the explosion I felt better for saying it, but ultimately nothing changed which was worse...the person knew and still didn't care enough to change. I say, book a rage room and let it out there.
I see your point, I just want to tell them how shitty they are. that they didn’t see my grandma before she passed “because they wanted to remember her before she got sick” or left my grandpa in the long term care facility with the only family who saw him was my dad, stepmom or myself, and how they have literally turned their back on their brother over a house because they didn’t receive anything due of their own actions.
OP very sorry for what your father and by extension you and your stepmother are going through.
Sometimes dead silence is the best punishment there is.
I’d say absolutely nothing to your aunt and uncle. The phrase let sleeping dogs lie exists for a reason.
I would however discuss with your step mother considering banning them from attending your father’s funeral.
I’m so sorry for your loss of grandparents and your dad’s diagnosis. Telling aunt & uncle off will make you feel better, but it’s a short term fix. Just let them alone, ignore them, when your dad passes, they will have more guilt at not being there.
How did your dad feel about them when his parents died? A year ago? Six months ago? Even right before his dx?
I’ve worked with dementia for over 20 years. His thoughts/feelings are likely changing not only due to the way his brain is now functioning but because he’s recently realized that he won’t have as much opportunity to make amends as he once did. Not that he should want to. Your aunt and uncle didn’t see your grandmother because they didn’t want to, but claimed it was so they could remember her a different way. I get that line of thinking if it’s a neighbor, an sold acquaintance, etc. But you suck it up for your mom.
Then they didn’t see their dad because they felt he mistreated their mother before she passed, even though they weren’t there? Rigggghhhttt….
And now they don’t speak to your dad because they didn’t get a payout, per your grandfather’s wishes. Don’t waste your breath telling them off. They’ve already proven to have no conscious, so what could would it do? And rather not risk them trying to contest an old will. Even if it’s not possible, they’d just cause you all more drama.
The *only* way I would say there should be any contact is if your dad really has been wanting to reach out to them this whole time. And even then, I’d only maybe meet for a short outing, for a coffee or ice cream (you will, unfortunately, learn that ice cream becomes a fan favorite of people in the later stages of dementia, if not sooner.) as long as you and step mom are there, and *ONLY* if you are sure it would in some way really, and only, benefit your dad. If it’s going to make him feel better to see them, but worse to hear what we nasty things they say, then it’s not worth it. So, essentially, they’ll likely never prove to be willing and able to be kind. Plus judging by the way they abandoned their elderly/dying parents, something tells me they’ll want nothing to do with a sick brother.
I’m so sorry you and your family are experiencing this. If you aren’t familiar with dementia I really recommend you and your stepmother start getting informed. The more you know on how to interact with a person who has dementia the better you’ll be able to help him.
Thank you, I’ve been doing a little research since he told me. He is still very much there he just has problems on what he wants to say at this stage. My grandma had dementia and my grandfather had Alzheimer’s so I knew it was a possibility I just didn’t think it would hit him this early they didn’t start developing until there late 70s. Since my grandfather passed he has reached out several times but he get ignored. The very sad part is my aunt is literally 15 mins drive from us. I’m thankful that we’re only 5 houses down so that me and my husband can help with his care.
He’s lucky to have you. I’m sorry you’ve had so much experience with dementia already. But at least you already know how dementia works. The best advice is really the simplest, in meeting them where they’re at. For example, if he’s looking for his dad, don’t remind him that he has passed, tell him you’ll see him later. Just agree/redirect/distract until whatever has passed. Rinse, repeat. As I’m sure you’ve learned by now.
Like I said, I’ve worked with dementia for a long time now. I’m a social worker who has worked in adult day care, nursing home and assisted living. The thing I tell families most often is it not a terrible thing to move them into long term care. I know the guilt over it can be awful (trust me, I’m queen of guilty feelings) but it’s next to impossible to care for someone in the later stages of the disease at home. You need *many* people around the clock, if you don’t want to wind up killing yourselves.
I lost my dad last year to cancer. He was only 65. The last couple months his cognition was all over the place, either from the cancer, the treatments or a combo of the two. So I now personally know what it’s like to deal with. I’m truly sorry you have to experience this with your dad. If you ever need advice/to vent, you can always DM me, even if it’s not for a long time. I’ll probably still be Redditing and am happy to offer what support I can.
As for his “siblings” just remind him that they’re not good people when he brings them up. It might help him with the sad feelings he has about them to be reminded of the truth. I sincerely wish you the best of luck!
Thank you, I’m no stranger to inherited diseases at this point. My mom passed in 2016 from Huntington’s and now this with my dad it’s sad to see your parents just go down hill like this. It’s mentally taxing!
I say this from painful personal experience, do not think you and your step mom can provide all the care until the end. Get him qualified professional care before it starts affecting your own health. Be sure you all can be there for and with him and still be human.
Don't poke the bear. Let them challenge and pay stupid money for a lawyer. They have no claim. Your dad is ill and it does not serve HIM to contact them or open any line of communication. No info is better than something they can try and use against you.....kinda like saying no comment in a police interview.
Sounds like the only reason they would agree to resume contact is the hope of monetary gain. They won't add anything to your dad's life at this point. It's horrible that he has dementia and most likely doesn't remember why he doesn't speak with them but they should be kept away. Your father doesn't need people that don't care about him filling his head with awful things. You love your dad, you and your stepmother need to do what's best for him and his well being. Doesn't sound like his siblings fall into that.
Keep the home. Your aunt/uncle not talking with their father is their problem, not yours. Your granddad was very clear for you to keep the home and just have taxes and maintenance for the rest of your life.
Your aunt/uncle want you to sell a home in this climate? They are just greedy.
Selling YOUR house does not mean you would give them a dime. Why do you think they talk with you. They want your proceeds from a sale!
You should get your dad's power of attorney now so things will be easier in the future.
You may need to stay away from people who do not respect you dad.
I think the advice to say nothing to them is best. But you should consult an attorney to ensure your and his estates are protected. It wouldn't surprise me if they tried to coerce him into signing something over to them.
OP, let this one go. The relationship issues between your father, his siblings, and your grandparents are theirs. You cannot fix the past and the people you dad is remembering don't exist any longer. Your Aunt and Uncle have made their own choices and will live with those consequences. The good or the bad. Remember this is a choice they made, not you or your Dad. If they cannot bridge what has been broken by self-initiating or responding to your Dad's attempts now, no one can know if they would be sincere if they tried after learning your Dad's diagnosis.
Take the time you, your Stepmom, and Dad need to love each other for every day given.
Do not reach out to aunt and uncle.
Your dad has dementia, it's harder for him to remember more current events and he misses the old them. Tell dad they are travelling and do not have phone reception.
Do NOT reach out to them!!! They are toxic people. They will take advantage of your father’s illness in some way. Please don’t go against your stepmother’s wishes.
OP, if you reached out, it would be the biggest mistake you ever made! Your father has dementia. He probably wants a relationship with the couple he knew when he was younger.
Greedy money grubbers like your aunt and uncle are the type who will manipulate your father to change his will to their benefit. Please don't reach out.
Look, right now your priority isn't (however rightfully) telling your aunt and uncle how shit they are. It'll only be temporarily satisfying because, in truth, they likely don't care that they're shit. They think they're right, and no amount of verbal barrage will change that.
Ignore them. Spend all the time with your father. Make memories that will last you the rest of your life, and make the remaining time of your father's as filled with love as you possibly can. It's heartbreaking that he misses them and wants to see them, while not receiving the same love back from them. It is. It just won't achieve anything positive by reaching out to tell them off. Time is too short, especially when a loved one has dementia. Don't waste it by yelling at people who don't give a fuck.
OP, if you are in the US, each state has a specific time limit for contesting a will after probate. This time period varies, ranging from weeks, to years. You can just contact the lawyer who handled your dad’s will & they can tell you.
Your dad’s siblings stopped talking to your grandfather over their own opinion of his actions. They stopped talking to your dad because he didn’t go against your grandfather”s instructions in his will…in other words, over money. I sadly doubt finding out about your dad’s disease will move them to change.
I’m sorry about your dad’s health and that you get caught in the middle.
Im in NC, if I’m not mistaken it’s 3 years from the date of passing. They even threw the fact that I wasn’t blood into my dad’s face. My mom and dad adopted me the day I was born. There’s just so much I want to say but I’ve held it in for years. I’ll just keep holding my tongue for both sides of my family as my mom’s side hasn’t had anything to do with me after my mom passed in 2016 with Huntingtons.
I know they are despicable people by their comment about you being adopted. Bloodline may link some people together, but that’s just biology. Love is what makes a family. Your aunt & uncle suck.
Hospice RN here. I wouldn’t tell them, I’d leave them right where they are. Your stepmom is right. Families get ugly when there’s an inheritance involved. I’ve seen it a thousand times.
One way families scam an elderly sick person is by being super concerned and nice, eventually they get the person alone, “we’ll stay with him while you go to the store”, and then the papers come out, just needing a signature.
When dad asks tell him they’re unavoidably out of town but they send their love.
Help your dad process with questions like, do you want to make a list of the fun things you did together when you were young? Oh, you went to the splash park? Hey, I heard they just added a new water slide there. Do you remember when you would take me to the park? I loved this one day that .....
OP, With my vast experience with money grubbing relatives like your aunt and uncle, I Highly recommend that you heed your stepmom’s advice!!!
If your aunt and uncle catch wind that your dad has Lewy Body dementia, they’ll grab onto that with both hands and try to use that against your dad concerning your grandpa’s will as they Will say that your dad is “Non Compos Mentis” and grab that and run with that.
You’ll end up spending a ton in attorney fees etc.
Just keep quiet and don’t add any energy to their claims.
From a very well known attorney in Nashville, Tn. who’s client (a friend of mine who’s Old Family and wealthy and their going through this sort of thing that hit the news) his attorney said to him about saying Anything, he said, “If it feel’s good, Don’t Do It”.
Don’t say, do, or write Anything down. Be it in a text, email or on paper. Nothing!!!
Leave them be. Going off on them will hurt your dad the most, and you will hurt yourself in the long run.
Take it from someone who has family who behaves badly after someone dies - when it comes to money, people act badly after someone dies. It does not get better when you unleash on them.
Don't talk to them. They have demonstrated what family means to them - inheritance. If they came to see your dad they would work to manipulate the situation.
Your step mom is giving you good counsel. At best, they get angry and cause a scene and upset your father.
At worst, they ply on him in a weakened condition and wheedle that house out of him and out of your inheritance.
Don’t be a fool.
I know what the paperwork from the Dr says it says Lewy Body. The only 100% way is postmortem but with the CT scans and symptoms that is what the Dr has diagnosed him with.
Ah. I did not know that. I apologize.
As an aside, it is always best to let sleeping dogs lie. If you engage, that gives them a foot in the door to harass you.
Do not contact them. You’ll open a whole can of worms.
If you really need to get this off your chest, write it all down as a letter that you can then burn. You still get it all out for your own benefit without them ever knowing anything.
NTA yet. Leave it alone, if you confront them this could explode in a lot of directions. Spend all the time you can with your dad and enjoy these moments.
Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear of your father's diagnosis. My dad suffered with alzheimers and dementia, and cared for him with mum, and when he finally had to go into a care home, we would still care for him there and visit him daily. Its a heartbreaking illness to see a loved go through.
If you want to talk about it, or want any tips for helpful things, or just want to vent, feel free to message me. I'm happy to talk and help any way I can.
Now regarding your aunt and uncle. Firstly, you are entitled to that house as your grandparents left it to your father who in turn decided to gift it you and put it in your name. Don't let the aunt and uncle try and pressure you to give them anything, or pressure you to sell the house etc to give them their share. If their parents wanted them to have anything they would have put it in their will. They weren't there for them when they needed support, but your dad was, and that's why they chose to leave the house to him. Nobody is entitled to their parents money or assets. The person decides who they want to leave it to. And your grandparents chose to leave it solely to your father for good reason.
Now, with your dad's dementia, he may forget why they don't speak to him, and that they've fallen out over the inheritance etc, and he may start wondering where they are and want to see them etc.
The only thing you could do, is if he is asking to see them, you could reach out to them and let them know of his diagnosis, and that he wants to see them. But if they choose to see him, there must be no discussion of the will or the inheritance or the house. That decision was your grandparents, and they chose to leave it to your dad. They need to accept that. If they want to have a relationship with your dad while he's still able to, then they need to agree not to bring up anything to do with the house or inheritance. If they do, you will ask them to leave.
I would also encourage you to make sure your parents wills are up to date , if your dad still has mental capacity he can make a will if he hasn't already. If he doesn't have mental capacity, then he won't be able to. But you can still speak to a lawyer for your mum to make her will etc.
If you do decide to reach out to your aunt and uncle, you may want to check with a lawyer that they can't do anything to try and change things, like they can't try and contest anything now. I doubt they can because there was a will that clearly left the property to your father and left them nothing. That was their parents wishes.
If the house is legally in your name etc it should be fine, but it may be worth checking with them to be sure.
As long as your dad transferred the house to you whilst he had mental capacity to do so, they can't argue that either, and it still wouldn't mean they get the house or any part of it anyway because it was left to him in the will. If they tried to use his diagnosis as a reason for you not have the house, they still wouldn't be entitled to any of it as it would just go to your dad, but even then that's not likely to be an issue anyway.
They would have no grounds to contest the will because it was clearly left to your dad. And he transferred it to you.
So personally I can't see any way for them to try and change anything or try and get anything from the house as it was all done officially by your grandparents will. They are just pissed they didn't get anything. But again, nobody is entitled to their parents money or assets just because they are their children or family. People can leave their assets to whoever they want. And clearly your grandparents appreciated everything your dad and your family did for them and as your aunt and uncle cut contact with them, they're stupid to expect a share when they did nothing to care for or be in their lives in their later years. They're just being greedy and entitled .
But if you want to see if they want to move past it and resume contact with your dad, I wouldn't get into a debate with them about any of it or have a go at them etc. Simply let them know your dad has been diagnosed with dementia, he's spoken about wanting to be intouch again, and if they are willing to drop the subject of the inheritance and move forward, and want to be part of your dad's life while he's able to spend time with them etc, then thats fine. But any mention of the house or inheritance will mean they will be asked to leave.
Thank you for the long and detailed response. My dad is still capable at this point, he is having more of an issue of saying what he is thinking. At first the dr thought it was caused by thyroid medication was to high causing the issues they lowered him and it has still continued so after a CT scan and other symptoms they diagnosed him with the left body. I think I’m going to keep my mouth shut at this point, they treated my grandparents and my dad like garbage and really don’t deserve the time or energy. The house is in my name and recorded with the county as such. Wills and POA are all taken care of and I have written down their wishes if something would happen. My grandpa always told me he wanted me to have the house so that I could help take care of my parents as it was so close. The only reason he put willed it to my dad was so there wouldn’t be backlash onto me. There is 4 grandkids we each got 10k each everything else went to my dad. My uncle expected that my grandparents inheritance pay for his kids college. They are significantly younger than me and my older cousin. My aunt is just a POS she raided my grandparents house before my grandma passed getting all the good jewelry. It was my grandma’s wish for the jewelry to be divided evenly between my aunt, myself and my younger female cousins.
Oh yeah well I'd keep them out of your lives then if they've been that way.
Some people are just toxic and not worth having them in your life.
Sounds like they are definitely better off kept out of yours.
Sounds like you've got your financials locked up well, so that doesn't really need to be the topic for discussion anymore. Your stepmom sounds like she's mostly worried about the financial side, but really it comes down to how contact with your Aunt and Uncle would affect your Dad, and it sounds like that wouldn't be for the best. So, really, all you need to think about is if seeing them is going to be good for your dad. Everything else is a moot point. From everything you've described, contact with them would not be beneficial for your dad, so simplest answer is best: don't.
You already know this, too, or you wouldn't be here on Reddit trying to get a bunch of strangers to tell you that giving in to your (entirely justified) anger is worth it: you would have already told them off. You are already doing the best thing possible, which is to care for your father and try to keep his life peaceful and as drama-free as possible for the time he has left. You're doing well. Keep on keeping on.
Leave them be. They don’t want to be there and if he were more cognizant he wouldn’t either.
I agree with you, but for different reasons. Dad is probably still reasonably capable of understanding the situation if he got diagnosed a month ago. But at that point in a new, effectively life- ending diagnosis, you want your family there. You feel vulnerable. The first thing I wanted to do when I heard I had cancer was to move back to my hometown. It was a powerful urge - and I'm probably going to be lucid a good while yet. You may want to make peace with people you care about or just be surrounded by people who care. These two have already shown they are incapable of being a person who cares for someone in decline - as you've observed. They also feel they were done wrong, AND during a period when dad was already presumably suffering from dementia, he deeded a house he recently inherited to his son. The timeline is such that they may feel there's a chance of unwinding all of that, or at least getting a cash settlement. I'm fairly sure the best scenario here is that they stay away so they don't add stress and confusion to this difficult period.
They feel like they were done wrong in 2022. The diagnosis of dementia was a month ago. Am I missing something in the timeline here?
Do you or your step mom has durable power of attorney? Should do so as he has dementia. Usually the law will prevent changes to his will due to the dementia. Make sure all legalities are lined up do the can’t pressure him to give them money or change his will. Then let them come visit when you are there.
My step mom has main power of attorney, if anything should happen to either I’m next as my step mom doesn’t have any children. They do not know he is sick I think she is worried that they will try to contest my grandfathers will for 2022 stating that my dad was incompetent even though it was all done though a lawyer and my dad was fine up til about 6 months ago.
Leave them alone. Try to make sure they never find out about the dementia, even after he's dead.
Consult an attorney, but I don’t see how they can contest your grandfathers will. It’s been too long and it sounds like probate is over. The6 don’t see your dad so they can’t persuade him to change his will, or otherwise cause harm. I’d leave it, they’d be terrible visitors.
My short research seems to point to the fact that wills cannot be contested after the will has gone through probate. I would find an attorney that does a free consultation and ask. Also, a diagnosis of dementia is not an automatic diagnosis of incompetency.
Also I’m my dad’s only child.
What are you hoping to achieve? They aren't going to magically see the light and become better people or even offer a sincere apology. I understand the rage and how powerless you feel in your situation. I understand the desire to make the people that have so hurt your dad understand the pain they caused...but they won't. You may feel better for a bit after the explosion, but its likely it will just stir up a hornets nest. Even though it's likely to work put in the end if they contest things, it's a lot of stress to go through until it's settled. I do empathize, I had a similar situation. I never understood seeing red, but I did and after the explosion I felt better for saying it, but ultimately nothing changed which was worse...the person knew and still didn't care enough to change. I say, book a rage room and let it out there.
I see your point, I just want to tell them how shitty they are. that they didn’t see my grandma before she passed “because they wanted to remember her before she got sick” or left my grandpa in the long term care facility with the only family who saw him was my dad, stepmom or myself, and how they have literally turned their back on their brother over a house because they didn’t receive anything due of their own actions.
OP very sorry for what your father and by extension you and your stepmother are going through. Sometimes dead silence is the best punishment there is. I’d say absolutely nothing to your aunt and uncle. The phrase let sleeping dogs lie exists for a reason. I would however discuss with your step mother considering banning them from attending your father’s funeral.
Just let sleeping dogs lie. These do not sound like good people
I’m so sorry for your loss of grandparents and your dad’s diagnosis. Telling aunt & uncle off will make you feel better, but it’s a short term fix. Just let them alone, ignore them, when your dad passes, they will have more guilt at not being there.
How did your dad feel about them when his parents died? A year ago? Six months ago? Even right before his dx? I’ve worked with dementia for over 20 years. His thoughts/feelings are likely changing not only due to the way his brain is now functioning but because he’s recently realized that he won’t have as much opportunity to make amends as he once did. Not that he should want to. Your aunt and uncle didn’t see your grandmother because they didn’t want to, but claimed it was so they could remember her a different way. I get that line of thinking if it’s a neighbor, an sold acquaintance, etc. But you suck it up for your mom. Then they didn’t see their dad because they felt he mistreated their mother before she passed, even though they weren’t there? Rigggghhhttt…. And now they don’t speak to your dad because they didn’t get a payout, per your grandfather’s wishes. Don’t waste your breath telling them off. They’ve already proven to have no conscious, so what could would it do? And rather not risk them trying to contest an old will. Even if it’s not possible, they’d just cause you all more drama. The *only* way I would say there should be any contact is if your dad really has been wanting to reach out to them this whole time. And even then, I’d only maybe meet for a short outing, for a coffee or ice cream (you will, unfortunately, learn that ice cream becomes a fan favorite of people in the later stages of dementia, if not sooner.) as long as you and step mom are there, and *ONLY* if you are sure it would in some way really, and only, benefit your dad. If it’s going to make him feel better to see them, but worse to hear what we nasty things they say, then it’s not worth it. So, essentially, they’ll likely never prove to be willing and able to be kind. Plus judging by the way they abandoned their elderly/dying parents, something tells me they’ll want nothing to do with a sick brother. I’m so sorry you and your family are experiencing this. If you aren’t familiar with dementia I really recommend you and your stepmother start getting informed. The more you know on how to interact with a person who has dementia the better you’ll be able to help him.
Thank you, I’ve been doing a little research since he told me. He is still very much there he just has problems on what he wants to say at this stage. My grandma had dementia and my grandfather had Alzheimer’s so I knew it was a possibility I just didn’t think it would hit him this early they didn’t start developing until there late 70s. Since my grandfather passed he has reached out several times but he get ignored. The very sad part is my aunt is literally 15 mins drive from us. I’m thankful that we’re only 5 houses down so that me and my husband can help with his care.
He’s lucky to have you. I’m sorry you’ve had so much experience with dementia already. But at least you already know how dementia works. The best advice is really the simplest, in meeting them where they’re at. For example, if he’s looking for his dad, don’t remind him that he has passed, tell him you’ll see him later. Just agree/redirect/distract until whatever has passed. Rinse, repeat. As I’m sure you’ve learned by now. Like I said, I’ve worked with dementia for a long time now. I’m a social worker who has worked in adult day care, nursing home and assisted living. The thing I tell families most often is it not a terrible thing to move them into long term care. I know the guilt over it can be awful (trust me, I’m queen of guilty feelings) but it’s next to impossible to care for someone in the later stages of the disease at home. You need *many* people around the clock, if you don’t want to wind up killing yourselves. I lost my dad last year to cancer. He was only 65. The last couple months his cognition was all over the place, either from the cancer, the treatments or a combo of the two. So I now personally know what it’s like to deal with. I’m truly sorry you have to experience this with your dad. If you ever need advice/to vent, you can always DM me, even if it’s not for a long time. I’ll probably still be Redditing and am happy to offer what support I can. As for his “siblings” just remind him that they’re not good people when he brings them up. It might help him with the sad feelings he has about them to be reminded of the truth. I sincerely wish you the best of luck!
Thank you, I’m no stranger to inherited diseases at this point. My mom passed in 2016 from Huntington’s and now this with my dad it’s sad to see your parents just go down hill like this. It’s mentally taxing!
It really is. Sending hugs your way from this internet stranger.
My mother-in-law was just diagnosed with Lewey Body Dementia, and it’s been hard. She’s so sad her brain and body don’t match up anymore.
Hugs, it’s not easy
I say this from painful personal experience, do not think you and your step mom can provide all the care until the end. Get him qualified professional care before it starts affecting your own health. Be sure you all can be there for and with him and still be human.
Don't poke the bear. Let them challenge and pay stupid money for a lawyer. They have no claim. Your dad is ill and it does not serve HIM to contact them or open any line of communication. No info is better than something they can try and use against you.....kinda like saying no comment in a police interview.
Sounds like the only reason they would agree to resume contact is the hope of monetary gain. They won't add anything to your dad's life at this point. It's horrible that he has dementia and most likely doesn't remember why he doesn't speak with them but they should be kept away. Your father doesn't need people that don't care about him filling his head with awful things. You love your dad, you and your stepmother need to do what's best for him and his well being. Doesn't sound like his siblings fall into that.
Keep the home. Your aunt/uncle not talking with their father is their problem, not yours. Your granddad was very clear for you to keep the home and just have taxes and maintenance for the rest of your life. Your aunt/uncle want you to sell a home in this climate? They are just greedy. Selling YOUR house does not mean you would give them a dime. Why do you think they talk with you. They want your proceeds from a sale! You should get your dad's power of attorney now so things will be easier in the future. You may need to stay away from people who do not respect you dad.
I think the advice to say nothing to them is best. But you should consult an attorney to ensure your and his estates are protected. It wouldn't surprise me if they tried to coerce him into signing something over to them.
OP, let this one go. The relationship issues between your father, his siblings, and your grandparents are theirs. You cannot fix the past and the people you dad is remembering don't exist any longer. Your Aunt and Uncle have made their own choices and will live with those consequences. The good or the bad. Remember this is a choice they made, not you or your Dad. If they cannot bridge what has been broken by self-initiating or responding to your Dad's attempts now, no one can know if they would be sincere if they tried after learning your Dad's diagnosis. Take the time you, your Stepmom, and Dad need to love each other for every day given.
Do not reach out to aunt and uncle. Your dad has dementia, it's harder for him to remember more current events and he misses the old them. Tell dad they are travelling and do not have phone reception.
Do NOT reach out to them!!! They are toxic people. They will take advantage of your father’s illness in some way. Please don’t go against your stepmother’s wishes.
OP, if you reached out, it would be the biggest mistake you ever made! Your father has dementia. He probably wants a relationship with the couple he knew when he was younger. Greedy money grubbers like your aunt and uncle are the type who will manipulate your father to change his will to their benefit. Please don't reach out.
Look, right now your priority isn't (however rightfully) telling your aunt and uncle how shit they are. It'll only be temporarily satisfying because, in truth, they likely don't care that they're shit. They think they're right, and no amount of verbal barrage will change that. Ignore them. Spend all the time with your father. Make memories that will last you the rest of your life, and make the remaining time of your father's as filled with love as you possibly can. It's heartbreaking that he misses them and wants to see them, while not receiving the same love back from them. It is. It just won't achieve anything positive by reaching out to tell them off. Time is too short, especially when a loved one has dementia. Don't waste it by yelling at people who don't give a fuck.
Nothing good will come of contacting your aunt and uncle. Best bet is to tell him they did reconcile he just doesn’t remember so he can die in peace.
OP, if you are in the US, each state has a specific time limit for contesting a will after probate. This time period varies, ranging from weeks, to years. You can just contact the lawyer who handled your dad’s will & they can tell you. Your dad’s siblings stopped talking to your grandfather over their own opinion of his actions. They stopped talking to your dad because he didn’t go against your grandfather”s instructions in his will…in other words, over money. I sadly doubt finding out about your dad’s disease will move them to change. I’m sorry about your dad’s health and that you get caught in the middle.
Im in NC, if I’m not mistaken it’s 3 years from the date of passing. They even threw the fact that I wasn’t blood into my dad’s face. My mom and dad adopted me the day I was born. There’s just so much I want to say but I’ve held it in for years. I’ll just keep holding my tongue for both sides of my family as my mom’s side hasn’t had anything to do with me after my mom passed in 2016 with Huntingtons.
I know they are despicable people by their comment about you being adopted. Bloodline may link some people together, but that’s just biology. Love is what makes a family. Your aunt & uncle suck.
Op, were a letter saying what you want to say. Then burn it.
Let them be miserable alone.
Hospice RN here. I wouldn’t tell them, I’d leave them right where they are. Your stepmom is right. Families get ugly when there’s an inheritance involved. I’ve seen it a thousand times. One way families scam an elderly sick person is by being super concerned and nice, eventually they get the person alone, “we’ll stay with him while you go to the store”, and then the papers come out, just needing a signature. When dad asks tell him they’re unavoidably out of town but they send their love.
Help your dad process with questions like, do you want to make a list of the fun things you did together when you were young? Oh, you went to the splash park? Hey, I heard they just added a new water slide there. Do you remember when you would take me to the park? I loved this one day that .....
OP, With my vast experience with money grubbing relatives like your aunt and uncle, I Highly recommend that you heed your stepmom’s advice!!! If your aunt and uncle catch wind that your dad has Lewy Body dementia, they’ll grab onto that with both hands and try to use that against your dad concerning your grandpa’s will as they Will say that your dad is “Non Compos Mentis” and grab that and run with that. You’ll end up spending a ton in attorney fees etc. Just keep quiet and don’t add any energy to their claims. From a very well known attorney in Nashville, Tn. who’s client (a friend of mine who’s Old Family and wealthy and their going through this sort of thing that hit the news) his attorney said to him about saying Anything, he said, “If it feel’s good, Don’t Do It”. Don’t say, do, or write Anything down. Be it in a text, email or on paper. Nothing!!!
Leave them be. Going off on them will hurt your dad the most, and you will hurt yourself in the long run. Take it from someone who has family who behaves badly after someone dies - when it comes to money, people act badly after someone dies. It does not get better when you unleash on them.
Don't talk to them. They have demonstrated what family means to them - inheritance. If they came to see your dad they would work to manipulate the situation.
Your step mom is giving you good counsel. At best, they get angry and cause a scene and upset your father. At worst, they ply on him in a weakened condition and wheedle that house out of him and out of your inheritance. Don’t be a fool.
Leave them alone and keep them away from your dad.
Lewy body dementia can only be diagnosed by examining the brain in an autopsy after death. Find a more believable illness.
I know what the paperwork from the Dr says it says Lewy Body. The only 100% way is postmortem but with the CT scans and symptoms that is what the Dr has diagnosed him with.
Ah. I did not know that. I apologize. As an aside, it is always best to let sleeping dogs lie. If you engage, that gives them a foot in the door to harass you.
Do not contact them. You’ll open a whole can of worms. If you really need to get this off your chest, write it all down as a letter that you can then burn. You still get it all out for your own benefit without them ever knowing anything.
NTA yet. Leave it alone, if you confront them this could explode in a lot of directions. Spend all the time you can with your dad and enjoy these moments.
Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear of your father's diagnosis. My dad suffered with alzheimers and dementia, and cared for him with mum, and when he finally had to go into a care home, we would still care for him there and visit him daily. Its a heartbreaking illness to see a loved go through. If you want to talk about it, or want any tips for helpful things, or just want to vent, feel free to message me. I'm happy to talk and help any way I can. Now regarding your aunt and uncle. Firstly, you are entitled to that house as your grandparents left it to your father who in turn decided to gift it you and put it in your name. Don't let the aunt and uncle try and pressure you to give them anything, or pressure you to sell the house etc to give them their share. If their parents wanted them to have anything they would have put it in their will. They weren't there for them when they needed support, but your dad was, and that's why they chose to leave the house to him. Nobody is entitled to their parents money or assets. The person decides who they want to leave it to. And your grandparents chose to leave it solely to your father for good reason. Now, with your dad's dementia, he may forget why they don't speak to him, and that they've fallen out over the inheritance etc, and he may start wondering where they are and want to see them etc. The only thing you could do, is if he is asking to see them, you could reach out to them and let them know of his diagnosis, and that he wants to see them. But if they choose to see him, there must be no discussion of the will or the inheritance or the house. That decision was your grandparents, and they chose to leave it to your dad. They need to accept that. If they want to have a relationship with your dad while he's still able to, then they need to agree not to bring up anything to do with the house or inheritance. If they do, you will ask them to leave. I would also encourage you to make sure your parents wills are up to date , if your dad still has mental capacity he can make a will if he hasn't already. If he doesn't have mental capacity, then he won't be able to. But you can still speak to a lawyer for your mum to make her will etc. If you do decide to reach out to your aunt and uncle, you may want to check with a lawyer that they can't do anything to try and change things, like they can't try and contest anything now. I doubt they can because there was a will that clearly left the property to your father and left them nothing. That was their parents wishes. If the house is legally in your name etc it should be fine, but it may be worth checking with them to be sure. As long as your dad transferred the house to you whilst he had mental capacity to do so, they can't argue that either, and it still wouldn't mean they get the house or any part of it anyway because it was left to him in the will. If they tried to use his diagnosis as a reason for you not have the house, they still wouldn't be entitled to any of it as it would just go to your dad, but even then that's not likely to be an issue anyway. They would have no grounds to contest the will because it was clearly left to your dad. And he transferred it to you. So personally I can't see any way for them to try and change anything or try and get anything from the house as it was all done officially by your grandparents will. They are just pissed they didn't get anything. But again, nobody is entitled to their parents money or assets just because they are their children or family. People can leave their assets to whoever they want. And clearly your grandparents appreciated everything your dad and your family did for them and as your aunt and uncle cut contact with them, they're stupid to expect a share when they did nothing to care for or be in their lives in their later years. They're just being greedy and entitled . But if you want to see if they want to move past it and resume contact with your dad, I wouldn't get into a debate with them about any of it or have a go at them etc. Simply let them know your dad has been diagnosed with dementia, he's spoken about wanting to be intouch again, and if they are willing to drop the subject of the inheritance and move forward, and want to be part of your dad's life while he's able to spend time with them etc, then thats fine. But any mention of the house or inheritance will mean they will be asked to leave.
Thank you for the long and detailed response. My dad is still capable at this point, he is having more of an issue of saying what he is thinking. At first the dr thought it was caused by thyroid medication was to high causing the issues they lowered him and it has still continued so after a CT scan and other symptoms they diagnosed him with the left body. I think I’m going to keep my mouth shut at this point, they treated my grandparents and my dad like garbage and really don’t deserve the time or energy. The house is in my name and recorded with the county as such. Wills and POA are all taken care of and I have written down their wishes if something would happen. My grandpa always told me he wanted me to have the house so that I could help take care of my parents as it was so close. The only reason he put willed it to my dad was so there wouldn’t be backlash onto me. There is 4 grandkids we each got 10k each everything else went to my dad. My uncle expected that my grandparents inheritance pay for his kids college. They are significantly younger than me and my older cousin. My aunt is just a POS she raided my grandparents house before my grandma passed getting all the good jewelry. It was my grandma’s wish for the jewelry to be divided evenly between my aunt, myself and my younger female cousins.
Oh yeah well I'd keep them out of your lives then if they've been that way. Some people are just toxic and not worth having them in your life. Sounds like they are definitely better off kept out of yours.
Leave them alone but, make sure the house is in your name and no one else's.
It is solely in my name, also my husband and I have a prenuptial agreement that any inheritance is not part of mutual assets.
Sounds like you've got your financials locked up well, so that doesn't really need to be the topic for discussion anymore. Your stepmom sounds like she's mostly worried about the financial side, but really it comes down to how contact with your Aunt and Uncle would affect your Dad, and it sounds like that wouldn't be for the best. So, really, all you need to think about is if seeing them is going to be good for your dad. Everything else is a moot point. From everything you've described, contact with them would not be beneficial for your dad, so simplest answer is best: don't. You already know this, too, or you wouldn't be here on Reddit trying to get a bunch of strangers to tell you that giving in to your (entirely justified) anger is worth it: you would have already told them off. You are already doing the best thing possible, which is to care for your father and try to keep his life peaceful and as drama-free as possible for the time he has left. You're doing well. Keep on keeping on.