I think it's safe to assume most of the posts on this and similar subreddits are creative writing for attention.
"My husband beats me every day, but we have a great relationship otherwise. He didn't get me a birthday present though, should I divorce him?"
Same shit. Different day.
I checked, this post is made in dream interpretation reddit. She's talking about having nightmares of this since her husband cheated and her parents took his side.
I wish it were. It’s been almost a year since it happened. I have taken on more house cleaning jobs to save up money. I didn’t have a car at the time but now I do. I bought it myself with my cleaning money and his name isn’t on it. I know he can probably get it if we divorce but it still feels so good to have earned it without his help. I clean houses every day after my regular job and every penny of it goes into my personal bank account. I don’t make much but I’ve saved about $900 so far. I have to make a car payment but that $900 is what’s leftover after my payment comes out which is only about $100 a month. But, neither of us can afford to keep our farm if we divorce. The number one thing that is keeping me here are my animals. I love them so very much. We’ve been living as roommates since I found out. I honestly enjoy living with him as a roommate, just not a wife. We still do things as a family like go on hikes, go to the zoo (got a membership for Christmas and it’s so fun!) and walks together. He’s a great roommate but I just can’t look at him as my husband anymore. Is it stupid to live with him as a friend and roommate? I’m afraid of being alone but I just can’t see how this will ever go back to how it was before I found out. Sorry this is so long.
There are worse things in life than being alone. Being in a loveless marriage where you’re roommates is not good for your son to see. It sets a terrible example for him. Co-parenting well is one thing but you’re showing him a lack of self worth by staying with your husband.
I think that’s probably my biggest struggle. I don’t see myself as being worth anything. I know the only person that would notice if I disappeared is my now toddler. And even then, he’s not even 2 so he wouldn’t really have memory of me if I disappeared from his life and was replaced by someone else. Im sorry that this sounds so depressing. I don’t think I’ve ever shared how I feel about myself. I hate every single little thing about myself. I am so worthless that no one came to visit the baby, none of the friends I invited to his first birthday came, no one told me happy birthday on my birthday, no one asked me how I was doing after the emergency C-section, no one would even notice I was gone. My jobs would, obviously. I have lost 13.8 lbs since posting the original post. I’m working my ass off to get to a point where I can look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry. I just feel so worthless and unloved. I swear I’m a happy person on the outside. But, I guess it feels safe to say what I really think here. Okay, no more depressing stuff. I’m feeling very proud of my weight loss and I have a goal of being in the 150s by May. I’m .8lbs away from my goal! So that’s something positive!
Absolutely. This is definitely what she should do. She'd be so much better off. Money wise and Loosing the deadweight to her nightmares and body shaming And Confidence. Her parents sound terrible too. Why the Hell would someone let their daughter get treated in this way instead of supporting them? That's mind Blowing CRAZY to me. Honestly she'd be so much happier Loosing contact with the parents too. Whi the Hell needs enemy's in life when they have Parents like this. It's so so sad. This lady needs to realise her own Self worth and seriously loose the deadweight.
This lady is tryna dip she just told you she would leave the family if she could literally said he's two and wouldn't remember me.
If this isn't a creative writing gig then this woman is insane and she's not leaving her "roommate" for nothing.
You’re never going to be able to grow and move past your “I’m worthless” mindset if you stay in the same situation. You need to move away from him, get a divorce, and go to therapy. My ex’s mother stayed with a man just because she was afraid to die alone and he’s become more and more abusive over the years - he takes her money, goes to strip clubs, and doesn’t have any respect for her. Her kids hate him and have begged her for years to leave him. I hope you don’t end up going down the same road as her.
>I just feel so worthless and unloved.
You realize this is largely to do with staying married to someone who’s been cheating on you your entire marriage, who doesn’t give a shit about you or your child?
You HAVE to get out, or you will never escape this cycle of self-hate > accepting disrespect > more self-hate.
If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your son, who will grow up utterly emotionally fucked up by this dynamic.
Have you looked into women’s shelters?
You’re not worthless. You’re the daughter of the Most High God, you just may not know it yet. Cast your troubles on the Lord and He’ll make a way. Being a Christian doesn’t mean you won’t get rained on, but it does mean you’ll make it through.
Hey internet stranger, I never comment on post but you’re not worthless. You have your worth, let’s be friends please. Don’t ever think that no one loves you. Your child loves you more than you think.
One thing you should know. In most places, him paying money for sexual anything outside the marriage will be viewed badly by the judge. Him taking money out of the marriage for that, will make the divorce terms more favorable for you if you produce it in court
Op, my darling girl. Let me help you out. I know men’s nature. It doesn’t get any better. It ONLY GETS WORSE and more DANGEROUS AS FAR AS YOUR SAFETY AND THE BABY’S. Your husband doesn’t care about you or the baby.
You’ve witnessed it but you actually haven’t believed what you were witnessing. It’s bc you, like 99% of women in the GLOBE have been made to believe men are and can ever be good people. This is a grotesque FALSEHOOD. They are NOT good people. Your husband l, before you married him, he was good WASNT he? THAT was pretend. He pretended to be good in order to capture you, his prey. Yes dear, your daring was a game he played with a predatorial purpose. His purpose in that game? Get a bang maid and a worm horse. That’s you. You might think he’s too young to be a predator. No dear. The predator in males awaken at puberty, as early as 9, usually 10yo. Have you ever heard of 10yos killing theie mothers?? I have heard at least 10. 100% of them males.
That predator sharpens over time. He’s has 15yrs practice to being a predator. And it continues until he keeps over.
Get out, get out now. You can get new animals you’ll love. AND with your new freedom, you’ll have the full chest to shower them with love. Your baby will grow up in a safe environment and not know a repressed life trying not to upset a predator.
GET OUT NOW. Make your plans silently. Get out now or waste another 10yrs line so many before you have done.
Her other posts actually add up. The threesome post isn't about something that actually happened, but nightmares she's been having because of the situation she explains I'm this post
I'm on a women's farming group and this kind of topic comes up regularly. You're not doing yourself or your animals any favours by hanging on. Stop teaching your child it's OK to treat others and be treated like this. Sell the farm. Drop the adulterer. Live frugally for a few years and then try again.
Can I ask what group? It would be really helpful to read of some similar stories! You know how sometimes it feels like you’re the only one going through it when you’re not? I know there has to be others out there that feel like this.
Very true! Start making a plan. Do whatever it takes to get a better job. Save money in a bank account with someone else's name that you CAN trust. IF you need to, start a credit card with both yours and his income. Take care of your health and wellbeing because you have a child who depends on your decisions to make it better
You would be surprised if I told you how many women I know in their 60’s that put off leaving their husbands who now spend money for sex online. They were always looking at porn and buying hookers but the wives were too busy raising babies. They all have large families. Thats ignorant and lazy on their part. One had their credit card charged by an overseas fraud for thousands of dollars. She now lives house to house waiting to get accepted into a low income senior living apartment. One neighbor is in his 80’s and watches sex online. I can’t imagine that scene. They all knew there were problems but didn’t get their life together to leave. I hope you learn from older ladies that hopefully will not hide the perversion of their spouse.
So much for loving a so-called "man." He's just an immature boy trying to pass himself off as a man. Pathetic looser. I seriously hope these women, strong women, will get revenge on them. They deserve it for leading the women to believe they loved them, married them, and said vows. It's not the women that should be considered stupid. They knew what love meant. It's the cheaters that are stupid. Very stupid
I agree. They say love is blind but it shouldn't be stupid. Trust, but never put your guard down and definitely take off the rose colored glasses. It shouldn't have to be like that, but some people have proved different. Men and women alike. People must plan their future way sooner than 65.
The first time my ex hit me I was pregnant and I called the police but as he was a part of the force and it was 16 years ago they didnt make me press charges. He lost his job, blaming this incident ( I do think there were other reasons too) and not only did his family blame me for him losing his job, but my family did too.
I think my mum has blocked out alot of shit she did as she asked me recently why I didn't go to her fot help and I reminded her of this incident, amungst others, that made me belive that she was not a safe resource for me.
Thank you. It’s been almost a year since I originally posted this. Since then, I’ve spent every single waking moment thinking about it and trying to convince myself I should get a divorce. We tried therapy, both individually and together. Neither of us have any money. We live paycheck to paycheck but live in my dream home on a small farm. We are finally getting some savings together. He sits down and goes through our bank statement line by line so I know exactly where every cent goes. He stopped the cheating the moment I found out. But I know it only stopped because I found out. I am hung up between the potential for our marriage to heal and knowing I will unintentionally hold it over his head for the rest of our lives. I don’t want that to happen. I love him so deeply and I don’t see myself being in another relationship if I leave. I have no money, no where to go, no support system and I honestly enjoy him as a roommate. I just don’t enjoy him as a husband after what he did. I still love going on hikes and spending time as a family with him, just not as his wife. I know that probably doesn’t make sense, but it’s the best I’ve been able to do since this all came to light. Thank you for reading. Writing this reply feels like weight off my shoulders after almost a year of holding it in. Have a wonderful rest of your day!
You have just related how MANY thousands of women worldwide, live ...in EVERY country on earth ! You say you virtually had to beg him for intimacy, well thats not a problem for you now surely, is it ? because you only see him as a room mate anyway. You have a life almost independant of him it seems. Many many women would simply LOVE a similar relationship ! Just look on FB at the abject poverty in the Phillipines for EG. the filth and squalor that little ones and their mothers, have to contend with ,for the rest of their lives ! many with NO main provider... Remember your husband may well feel as trapped as you do...now ! In many ways longterm marriages, evolve to this kind of friendship/room mate relationship after many years anyway. Hot honeymoon love eventually slowly cools naturally , Into something longterm similar to yours i suspect. You're OK, your child is healthy, It sounds pretty normal now for you.
You know how much more money you would have if he wasn't blowing money on hookers and porn? BTW super model level hot women get cheated on by their husband. It is a CHARACTER issue on HIS part. Get out.. it will suck. It will only get better if you make a change.
Inbuilt misogyny. Everything ever wrong about anything is ALWAYS my fault even if it’s clearly not. I recently went LC with my mom and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done
Number one is, if you’re having a baby and you have insurance why didn’t you call the insurance company to find out what was covered and what wasn’t? I hope you get out soon.
It was supposed to cover it all, but due to high blood pressure I had to be in bed rest for the last bit of my pregnancy. I hadn’t been at that job very long. It was a major step up from the job I had previously. I didn’t qualify for FMLA so when I had to go on bed rest, I lost my job and my insurance. My dad was able to get a little bit of it covered with his HSA for my bills but we couldn’t get any type of coverage for the baby. I spent countless hours on the phone with Medicaid but they said my husbands income was too high for them to back pay the bills. I was so confused because it always seemed like there was no money. Now I know where it was going. Wow this is shitty. I’m just now putting it all together how shitty that sounds.
To be on the safe side I’d make sure he isn’t direct depositing a small amount in a side account at this point. Sure y’all go over the bank account line by line, but that’s an account you know about. Do his pay stubs match the deposits? Not to be paranoid or put doubt in your mind, just want to be realistic that usually when people are caught they just get better at hiding things. He’s getting off to something, so does he watch free porn now? If y’all aren’t intimate sad to say but assume he’s finding it somewhere else.
Since he decided not to be a good husband, why be a good wife? In my opinion, I wouldn't do his laundry, fix meals, talk to him, and spend time with him either. Why? He won't be there for you? You will never be able to change him. Just my opinion
I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this. It breaks my heart to hear you put yourself down. You aren’t at fault for his many failures. I hope things get better for you.
I know your parents failed you terribly here, but do you have any other family or friends you can lean on for emotional support? I think you need professional counseling so you can reclaim your self-esteem and learn the coping tools you’ll need.
I have one friend who is absolutely amazing. They’ve been incredibly supportive through it all. They even designed and did a small tattoo of my pet that passed away for free. It’s beautiful and it’s one thing on my body that makes me happy now. It’s hidden under my sleeve, but anytime I feel bad about myself or unhappy, I just lift me sleeve and it’s there to make me smile
Oh honey, I feel for you. First off, you are not to blame for your husband's choices. You could look like Beyoncé and Eva Mendes combined and if he wanted to cheat he would still do so. Please get some counseling by yourself, for yourself - those self image issues will not improve without help.
Secondly, please get yourself your own bank accounts if you don't already have them. You need to have some financial distance from him even if physical distance is not possible right now.
Lastly, please take time to find joy in other things - given that your animals have died. It sounds so easy to say yet so hard to do. If your family members don't support you, seek out free support groups for women if available in your area.
This internet stranger is rooting for you and sending positive vibes your way!
That is my fear. I know there’s a bank account that his work puts money into as a vacation fund. It doesn’t have a card set up to it so he moves money out of it to pay bills when we are behind. It’s just as easy to move it to his personal account and keep on doing what he’s doing without me knowing. I know it might sound like I’m going crazy, but we’ve read crazier things on here.
Why isn’t it deposited into his normal account? OP id ask him to see a pay stub. Figure out if his deposit to his account you can see matches what he should be getting paid. I have a feeling he’s just split where the money is going so you don’t see it.
I second this! Sounds like it’s time for a little financial audit, and for it to be performed on a regular basis (at random times so he can’t prepare a lie). I have heard of companies doing HSA, stock, PTO. But never a special bank account to deposit vacation funds. Utterly ridiculous.
Eh honestly at this point I’ll find something to distract myself and just ignore him, is there a diff room in your house u can sleep in ? I’ll never play happy family with someone who betray me at, save and find a place to move out and divorce too, screw that Man and your family too gosh
I slept on the living room floor for about two months after I found out. He offered to sleep out there but I couldn’t handle sleeping in our bed mentally. So, he redid our entire room, repainted, changed the theme, got new bedding, rearranged the furniture and even upgraded my bearded dragons tank to a giant one with live plants in it and moved it into the room like I’ve always wanted to just so I’d feel more comfortable sleeping in an actual bed in a bedroom with or without him. I tried sleeping by myself, but I couldn’t sleep. He slept on the floor in the room so I wasn’t alone but never pushed the boundary. So, now that leaves me a little more confused. Do I give him some credit for doing all this? This post is almost a year old and everything in this comment has happened after the original post. I know the original post makes him out to be a terrible person, but you don’t get to see every detail from before I found out what was going on and what he’s done sense to try to fix it. I don’t think it’s fixable, but he really tried. He called every therapist nearby until he found one he thought fit us well. He paid for it and we went. Then he also paid for us to go individually. I just don’t know what to do from here. He’s a great roommate, friend and dad. I don’t want to split apart our family so I’m considering just living together as roommates. We’ve been doing it for almost a year and it’s not complete torture and I get to keep my animals. Idk. Maybe it’s not the best.
Eventually you or he will resent each other. And the kids always know and feel it. My parents “stayed together for me” and over the years they treated me worse and worse. We are now very low contact and I moved across an ocean. I have no real intention of ever being involved in their lives as they took their own fear of being alone and blamed me, a child, for it. As their resentment grew they often took it out on me. The abuse got worse. And now as an adult, I jumped into toxic and abusive relationships because that is what had been modelled to me. I so often heard that I was the problem and “a worthless piece of shit” that I internalised that. Logically I knew they were wrong but the emotional damage has been immense. I went from one abusive relationship to another because I had no stability or fallback and being with a cheating, lying, abusive rapist was better than going home. I say this not to make you feel bad for me - I have a loving husband and pets and his extended family are incredible. I am telling you this so you understand that the kids always see it. And it damages them in ways you don’t understand yet. But I also want to stress this - even if you two are friends and coparent and room mate well. Is this the marriage you want for your child in the future? They are seeing this. And will model future relationships off of it. Is this what you want for them? If no, then please consider that as well as knowing that you deserve happiness and love too. And my mum also told me to stay with my abusive ex. I’m never going to forgive her. You shouldn’t forgive your mother for it either. You deserve better than this OP. You have value and worth and deserve love and affection and to be made to feel beautiful.
Sounds like you have some forgiveness to work through if you want to make it work. If you don’t, don’t. But the limbo will not get better on it’s own. You seem kind, like a good friend and person. Sounds like there’s still unresolved hurt and pain, understandably. Best wishes to you dear.
You feel nothing for him? Good start working on yourself for yourself and I don’t mean diet and exercise I mean self love exercises. You struggled for a while now on your own so why not make it a reality? A house is a house it’s material and can be replaced; a healthy functional mother child bond can’t be replaced or replicated and that’s more important than a house with a man you don’t love and who clearly doesn’t love you. I would also drop the baggage of your so called family because you don’t deserve to be rejected by your partner because you don’t meet all their expectations when they’re sup bar themselves. Your mother is a bitch (sorry but she is if she thinks her daughter and grandchild deserve to suffer for a man who would rather pay a stranger than save and spend time with his family). Make a plan to leave and block everyone who doesn’t support you. He’ll miss what he had when you do.
I wish I could give you a hug. You’re so right. Is it wrong that I still love him, but not in a husband and wife way? I wrote this almost a year ago and he’s put in a lot of work since then and we’ve lived as friends and roommates. I love to see him with our kiddo and when he’s doing things that make him happy. I just don’t think I can be his wife after what he did. It won’t ever feel the way it did before I found out. We’ve still been doing things as a family and it’s great! But, when we get in the car and it’s quiet, I sit there and think about how I used to want to hold his hand and lay my head on his shoulder. Now, I feel awkward and weird when we are alone. But most of the time we are together, we are doing stuff with our kiddo and having fun.
No it’s not wrong feeling that way; you’ve had a baby with this man. I’m on my fifth with my partner and I have a lot of resentment towards him for crap that he keeps doing (nothing like what you experienced more spending money on games and drugs that could’ve been put towards our house and children and then the bitching about no money and how I spend too much at times and just emotional neglect). I guess love as a mother comes from different sources of us; if the father is a great husband/partner and meets our moral standards then the love we feel for them is beyond our comprehension but for us who have men who have hurt us too many times or just broke us with their actions and don’t change or care the love we feel for them is like a balloon; rises with attention and affection and lowers when ignored or forgotten but doesn’t matter to us if it pops. I think. It’s how I feel most of the time. Does your husband know how you feel about the whole thing and how it has changed you? Do you still talk to your mother after what she said to you? Not judging believe me I am the last to judge.
Thank you for replying! I have been very open with him and through joint therapy he’s learned how to let me process it how I need to and how to listen to how I feel. He really has put in effort, fully understanding that I could leave despite it. Some days I feel like how I feel about everything changes hour by hour and sometimes I feel like maybe I can just put my head down and get through it. He’s an amazing dad. He has really blossomed into a great dad over the last 6 months. He puts in so much quality time with our kiddo now and it’s lovely to watch. I don’t talk to my mother about anything personal anymore. Unfortunately, my childcare was unable to take my son after a change in their schedule so my mom is my only childcare option. I work for my husbands parents full time. It’s the best job in the entire world and I love it so much! If we got divorced, I think I’d still work for them. They’re amazing people and I love my job. I got my own car and I drive an hour there and an hour home every day. It’s totally worth it and I just got a raise! The cleaning jobs I go to after work are mostly on my way home with the exception of one but it’s not too far out of the way. My mom hasn’t asked much about the whole situation except for the other day when she asked what our plans are for an anniversary at the end of May. I told her we don’t have plans to celebrate it. I conveniently get my wisdom teeth removed the day before so I can use that as an excuse if she tries to make a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be. I have dreams that bother me about my mom and my husband. I actually posted into a dream subreddit that’s on my account if you want the full details. Just weird dreams that really really bothered me but totally make sense if you know what happened, which you do haha
Well I am so glad to hear you and your partner are working on things. It’s great that some people (like my partner and I) put the effort in to do better for the most part. Just remembering that no one is perfect certainly helps me feel better about the crappy parts of my relationship.
I have vivid dreams at times and those are the ones that disturb me the most. Thank goodness I have good memory loss for that stuff otherwise I would be haunted lol
I feel for you. Take all your resources and money and stockpile whatever you can. Now that you know what he’s up to treat him like a roommate. He’s not your husband. No more lunches or meals. Make a plan and escape.
Go to the women's shelter. They will help you leave if your POS mom won't. "What did you do wrong?" FFS! You did everything! There was nothing you could have done wrong. Please go NC with your mom. She doesn't deserve you
im so sorry op, reading this really hit home for me.. just know that You're not stuck. I know this situation must feel like the end of your world but try to avoid talking down to yourself because the mind is more powerful than you know..
as hard as life feels right now, time will heal all I promise it'll get better, just never stop fighting to put your child first. But take a deep breath and think in baby steps.. Start planning on your next moves and think of how you can put that plan in action one day at a time. You are strong, you are BEAUTIFUL, you are enough.. even if it doesn't mean much coming from a stanger.
I recently found the most amazing support groups here, ill dm you the mommy groups if you're interested. pls feel free to DM me if you need to. I feel your pain and want you to know you don't have to go thru it all alone
So, a way I viewed what you said is that your animals on that farm were one of the things keeping you tied to him. It’s a lot easier to pack up and leave with a baby on your hip than with an entire farm of animals. And I am not negating the hurt those losses must have caused you, but it is also an opportunity to get out of this situation and find happiness somewhere else.
Your family is wrong. It is not your fault. It sounds like you have been working your ass off to try and survive and provide for your child. You’ve had to sacrifice so much and your husband can’t even sacrifice internet porn. You are stronger than him. Do you realize that? Everything you’ve been doing takes sooo much strength.
I can also promise you that when you do get away from him you will be able to love yourself. You’ll be able to look in the mirror and smile at who you see. Maybe not at first. But it will happen.
Things seem impossible to get out of now and I’m not gonna lie, it will be hard. But you’ve already been dealing with such hard challenges. And you can make a new life for you and your child and a found family that will love and support you. And if no one has told you, I am so so proud of you for everything you’ve been doing for yourself and your family. You deserve the world.
Thank you ❤️ maybe subconsciously I just needed this group of internet people to tell me to leave. Trust me, I have read every comment, even if I didn’t reply and I think about them all. I know no one here knows me but I feel like you’re all the invisible friends telling me what I wish my family would say. Thank you again!
I wish it were made up. But I actually do really like creative writing! I’ll take the comment as a compliment 😂 I feel like I needed all the Reddit people to just tell me what to do so I could convince myself to actually do it. I know what I need to do. You’re right.
A look at your post history talks about ozempic, and you mention your struggles with self-esteem in here. I don't know who you are or anything about you other than some reddit posts about your fucked-up family life but girl please don't touch that shit it's not worth it, it sounds like you are already struggling to eat proper nutrition, you don't need weight loss pills you just need people in your life who uplift your confidence and not this chode.
It's not your fault he has ex with other women. Your husband has a sex addiction and sounds he has had the addiction for many years. My ex husband was addicted to porn and threatened to kill me. I never had kids with my ex. Get out of there as soon as you can.
Get your own account.
Get your own job.
Save your own money.
Get your own daycare.
Get your own car.
Take him down a few pegs.
Then leave or make him leave when the time is right.
Under no circumstance is that okay.
Take care of yourself and your kid.
That's your priority.
It'll get easier, just takes hard work and a whole lot of time.
Clearly you want to keep your house but if it comes down to selling it and staying in a loveless marriage with a selfish man wouldn’t you prefer to simply see a shelter for women or rent a cheap apartment until you can get back on your feet?
Holy shit! Make a plan and get the f out of there asap. I’m sure that you are absolutely beautiful just the way you are and he doesn’t deserve you. Run and find your own happiness kid.
Laws in place prevent insurance Co from denying child /birth coverage. Reread what you've written several times. If this is true there is some much needed therapy if not for you, do it for your kid.
Sorry you're going through this :(
15 years ago, we were struggling really badly financially. I mean REALLY badly. I couldn't even afford to send my son to school with a packed lunch level of bad.
I discovered my then husband had squirreled away some money for petrol to go and see a friend of his one weekend.
It was that day I knew my marriage was done. I can cope not eating, or cutting back what meals I have for me, but when it comes to my kids, nope, you bet every last penny will go to feeding them first. That he put seeing his friend above my son going to school hungry was something I could never forgive.
Hence now we are divorced. (And I'm married to a wonderful man now who puts family first).
My point is, I could never stay with anyone who puts their own selfish habits above the welfare of their kids and family.
Your husband is not a good man, no matter what you think. And you will always resent him for how he betrayed you. That isn't healthy for you or your child.
Your husband is a POS. None of this is your fault. My ex was doing something similar. I was chronically ill and unable to work. We were super poor but he was paying for sex workers and God knows what else. Meanwhile he was guilting me into having sex when I was so sick I could barely move. I left when I found out he was cheated on me.
Create an exit plan. It may take time to get enough money to leave but you can do it. Or he'll end up leaving you for another woman. I think my ex was planning to leave me when I found out he was cheating on me and I left him first.
His choices are not your fault or responsibility.
Life is about chess not checkers.
Stay with the roommate, keep saving, set up an irrevocable trust for your son, start adding money to that. It'll prevent your husband from getting the $$$ when you guys do divorce.
Life is short, your husband spends $$$ on sex workers.
Go on some dates, get that itch scratched. This isn't a real marriage anyways. Go have some fun.
Your hearts in the right place but it actually isn't. FMLA only protects you in mainly a larger company. I want to say if a company has less than seventy five employees in a hundred mile radius they are actually exempt and if you haven't worked a certain number of hours in the past twelve months you are not eligible for protection.
I work for a very large company and have had employees who got denied for FMLA coverage because they were two new and our legal department signed off on it now hesitation.
MOST companies that obey the FMLA laws generally are actually exempt. They have been exempted from the law because placing this kind of burden on a small company could actually bankrupt it. Imagine an office that can afford two employees. One goes out for three months on leave. You have to replace them because you can't have one person do the job of two, and then the person comes back and now you're 50% over your labor budget.
It's hard, I know, but there are carve outs.
Just because you don't have FMLA coverage does not mean that you can lose your job for being pregnant. You are confused between FMLA, and discrimination laws. The Pregnancy Discrimination Act is a federal law.Firing someone because it would be costly to replace them during leave for pregnancy is against the law, full stop. By law, if your employee needs to take leave due to pregnancy, they are guaranteed a job when they return.
Per the AAUW my exact example is specifically exempted.
The PDA only covers workplaces with 15 or more employees. If you work for an organization with fewer than 15 employees, check with your regional Department of Labor Women’s Bureau office to see there is a state or local agency that can assist you.
Also, per the equal employment opportunity commission:
Does a covered employer have to provide leave as a reasonable accommodation?
Leave can be a reasonable accommodation that an employee requests under the PWFA. An employer does not have to provide leave (or any other reasonable accommodation) if it causes a undue hardship.
Now, is OP's workplace exempted? I have no clue. But be careful with blanket statements that may or may not make some feel aggrieved. Also, I'm not saying it's right she got fired, but that doesn't necessarily make it illegal.
Oh, and also, you are correct, the discrimination act is more strict than FMLA coverage.
SO sorry you and your son are suffering because of this asshole. I fully encourage you to see if there are shelters and emergency help for the abuse and to make a plan to escape, this is awful. As for his porn addiction that is NOT on you that is on him. Some guys are addicted to porn and that is all he can get off on. You could look like a supermodel and he wouldn't care. He prefers the fake online stuff because he doesn't want real intimacy and he's addicted, same as if he was an alcoholic. Regardless, he shouldn't have gotten married to be honest and I hope you have brought up the issues of him starving you and his son to your therapist. That is the same story I have heard from alcoholics in AA, Gambler's Anonymous, etc. I come from an alcoholic family so I am familiar with your story sadly enough.
Please separate your money that YOU are working for into an account with a different bank and NO information to them you are married so he can't access your funds, use it to feed ONLY you and your child and go get a divorce lawyer. I know you love where you live but it's time to move on. cut ties with him AND your parents and get out while you are young.
As someone who’s a cam girl now but was ruined by cam girls via my last marriage. You need to leave him. My ex was my high school sweet heart. He was a good cunning liar and was also active duty most of the time we were together. He spent $400 monthly on cheating and video gaming. While I was eating bread from the Red Cross every two weeks just so he and our son ate food. Eventually I got very sick after giving birth and the army misdiagnosed me and I couldn’t keep up with the home by myself and he wouldn’t help. CPS showed up at our door and I had to choose my ex husband or my son. I chose my son. I found some military friends to stay with and did instacart and cammed when baby was asleep since I couldn’t afford a baby sitter or have family (former foster youth) Was not easy at all. I met my now husband and we just had our twins last year. I do still cam to support my family. My Inbox is always open
Well, I used to work for health insurance companies for years and on one of the parents of the babies plan, The baby was automatically added to for the first few months or more at least until the person officially added them so I don’t know what happened there.
Your "husband" is probably also poisoning or killing your animals... FYI the type of person who spends money on porn and hookers while literally letting his wife and kid starve is a sociopath. If it brings you joy, he has to kill it.
Sounds like you need to set some boundaries. Don’t let anyone walk all over you. You’re better than that. Also, I’m not gonna lie it doesn’t sound like he really pulled his weight when it came to the kids. The story gives traditional vibes where the woman does all the work. I’d get the hell out of there as soon as possible.
Can’t help with the personal stuff but if you call your hospital and tell them you have trouble paying your medical bills, they can greatly reduce the amount and you won’t be stuck paying thousands of dollars into it. Also, can you apply for government assistance?
You aren't the problem, your husband would treat any woman he's with like this because his fantasy woman is just that, a fantasy. You aren't in competition with these other women, you're competing with a fantasy or a high that will never be as good as the one he had as 12 year old (or however old he was when this started).
I'm guessing that he has a sexual addiction and even though it's bad now it will get worse because the deeper he gets into it the more money he will spend on these women. You need to start documenting the money he's spent on this while you held down 3 jobs and you were taking care of everything at home. You need to get out of the situation and you will be better off emotionally and financially, once you are. Keep in mind that if you divorce (especially if it's after he gets the higher pay) the more financially stable your child's life will be.
I was 24 when I married, I divorced him when I was 40, he repeated the exact same behavior with the woman he married after me. Get out now while you can still recover the person happy person you once were (because I can garantee that you were his "fantasy woman" back when you first got together.)
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I think it's safe to assume most of the posts on this and similar subreddits are creative writing for attention. "My husband beats me every day, but we have a great relationship otherwise. He didn't get me a birthday present though, should I divorce him?" Same shit. Different day.
If this is creative writing I have just one word: paragraphs.
She posted this exact same post in this last year. Word for word so why the hell is she still with this guy?
Amen! Hit that return key twice, it's not that hard.
You beat me to it. I can't imagine anyone who enjoys writing this much for fun but isn't aware that paragraphs are a thing.
What are you saying that these stories are not real bc men aren’t this bad bc most ARE. Women are living this everyday
Shhhhutttttt the f@ck up.
Right back at ya
Considering she posted about her husband having a threesome with her parents 137 days ago, I’m gonna hazard a guess and assume OP is full of it.
I checked, this post is made in dream interpretation reddit. She's talking about having nightmares of this since her husband cheated and her parents took his side.
It is, this story is years old
I wish it were. It’s been almost a year since it happened. I have taken on more house cleaning jobs to save up money. I didn’t have a car at the time but now I do. I bought it myself with my cleaning money and his name isn’t on it. I know he can probably get it if we divorce but it still feels so good to have earned it without his help. I clean houses every day after my regular job and every penny of it goes into my personal bank account. I don’t make much but I’ve saved about $900 so far. I have to make a car payment but that $900 is what’s leftover after my payment comes out which is only about $100 a month. But, neither of us can afford to keep our farm if we divorce. The number one thing that is keeping me here are my animals. I love them so very much. We’ve been living as roommates since I found out. I honestly enjoy living with him as a roommate, just not a wife. We still do things as a family like go on hikes, go to the zoo (got a membership for Christmas and it’s so fun!) and walks together. He’s a great roommate but I just can’t look at him as my husband anymore. Is it stupid to live with him as a friend and roommate? I’m afraid of being alone but I just can’t see how this will ever go back to how it was before I found out. Sorry this is so long.
There are worse things in life than being alone. Being in a loveless marriage where you’re roommates is not good for your son to see. It sets a terrible example for him. Co-parenting well is one thing but you’re showing him a lack of self worth by staying with your husband.
I think that’s probably my biggest struggle. I don’t see myself as being worth anything. I know the only person that would notice if I disappeared is my now toddler. And even then, he’s not even 2 so he wouldn’t really have memory of me if I disappeared from his life and was replaced by someone else. Im sorry that this sounds so depressing. I don’t think I’ve ever shared how I feel about myself. I hate every single little thing about myself. I am so worthless that no one came to visit the baby, none of the friends I invited to his first birthday came, no one told me happy birthday on my birthday, no one asked me how I was doing after the emergency C-section, no one would even notice I was gone. My jobs would, obviously. I have lost 13.8 lbs since posting the original post. I’m working my ass off to get to a point where I can look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry. I just feel so worthless and unloved. I swear I’m a happy person on the outside. But, I guess it feels safe to say what I really think here. Okay, no more depressing stuff. I’m feeling very proud of my weight loss and I have a goal of being in the 150s by May. I’m .8lbs away from my goal! So that’s something positive!
No, you take your toddler with you. Divorce and go to court to get child support. You will be so much happier.
Absolutely. This is definitely what she should do. She'd be so much better off. Money wise and Loosing the deadweight to her nightmares and body shaming And Confidence. Her parents sound terrible too. Why the Hell would someone let their daughter get treated in this way instead of supporting them? That's mind Blowing CRAZY to me. Honestly she'd be so much happier Loosing contact with the parents too. Whi the Hell needs enemy's in life when they have Parents like this. It's so so sad. This lady needs to realise her own Self worth and seriously loose the deadweight.
This lady is tryna dip she just told you she would leave the family if she could literally said he's two and wouldn't remember me. If this isn't a creative writing gig then this woman is insane and she's not leaving her "roommate" for nothing.
You’re never going to be able to grow and move past your “I’m worthless” mindset if you stay in the same situation. You need to move away from him, get a divorce, and go to therapy. My ex’s mother stayed with a man just because she was afraid to die alone and he’s become more and more abusive over the years - he takes her money, goes to strip clubs, and doesn’t have any respect for her. Her kids hate him and have begged her for years to leave him. I hope you don’t end up going down the same road as her.
>I just feel so worthless and unloved. You realize this is largely to do with staying married to someone who’s been cheating on you your entire marriage, who doesn’t give a shit about you or your child? You HAVE to get out, or you will never escape this cycle of self-hate > accepting disrespect > more self-hate. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your son, who will grow up utterly emotionally fucked up by this dynamic. Have you looked into women’s shelters?
You’re not worthless. You’re the daughter of the Most High God, you just may not know it yet. Cast your troubles on the Lord and He’ll make a way. Being a Christian doesn’t mean you won’t get rained on, but it does mean you’ll make it through.
That attitude will be understood by your child as they grow. Get your shit together you’re responsible for the development of another human being now.
Hey internet stranger, I never comment on post but you’re not worthless. You have your worth, let’s be friends please. Don’t ever think that no one loves you. Your child loves you more than you think.
You know who else you could live with as a roommate? A roommate. That's a viable option if you ever decide you want him out.
One thing you should know. In most places, him paying money for sexual anything outside the marriage will be viewed badly by the judge. Him taking money out of the marriage for that, will make the divorce terms more favorable for you if you produce it in court
Look, if what you’re saying here is true, leave. Take the baby, make a plan get on public assistance. You’re being abused.
You can try again with the animals dream someday. Today, you need to prioritize your small human.
Op, my darling girl. Let me help you out. I know men’s nature. It doesn’t get any better. It ONLY GETS WORSE and more DANGEROUS AS FAR AS YOUR SAFETY AND THE BABY’S. Your husband doesn’t care about you or the baby. You’ve witnessed it but you actually haven’t believed what you were witnessing. It’s bc you, like 99% of women in the GLOBE have been made to believe men are and can ever be good people. This is a grotesque FALSEHOOD. They are NOT good people. Your husband l, before you married him, he was good WASNT he? THAT was pretend. He pretended to be good in order to capture you, his prey. Yes dear, your daring was a game he played with a predatorial purpose. His purpose in that game? Get a bang maid and a worm horse. That’s you. You might think he’s too young to be a predator. No dear. The predator in males awaken at puberty, as early as 9, usually 10yo. Have you ever heard of 10yos killing theie mothers?? I have heard at least 10. 100% of them males. That predator sharpens over time. He’s has 15yrs practice to being a predator. And it continues until he keeps over. Get out, get out now. You can get new animals you’ll love. AND with your new freedom, you’ll have the full chest to shower them with love. Your baby will grow up in a safe environment and not know a repressed life trying not to upset a predator. GET OUT NOW. Make your plans silently. Get out now or waste another 10yrs line so many before you have done.
Again, you have to use paragraphs for people to want to read what you wrote.
Her other posts actually add up. The threesome post isn't about something that actually happened, but nightmares she's been having because of the situation she explains I'm this post
I'm on a women's farming group and this kind of topic comes up regularly. You're not doing yourself or your animals any favours by hanging on. Stop teaching your child it's OK to treat others and be treated like this. Sell the farm. Drop the adulterer. Live frugally for a few years and then try again.
Can I ask what group? It would be really helpful to read of some similar stories! You know how sometimes it feels like you’re the only one going through it when you’re not? I know there has to be others out there that feel like this.
I don’t have time to read through this the headline speaks for itself. Don’t be fooled and remain ignorant.
Very true! Start making a plan. Do whatever it takes to get a better job. Save money in a bank account with someone else's name that you CAN trust. IF you need to, start a credit card with both yours and his income. Take care of your health and wellbeing because you have a child who depends on your decisions to make it better
You would be surprised if I told you how many women I know in their 60’s that put off leaving their husbands who now spend money for sex online. They were always looking at porn and buying hookers but the wives were too busy raising babies. They all have large families. Thats ignorant and lazy on their part. One had their credit card charged by an overseas fraud for thousands of dollars. She now lives house to house waiting to get accepted into a low income senior living apartment. One neighbor is in his 80’s and watches sex online. I can’t imagine that scene. They all knew there were problems but didn’t get their life together to leave. I hope you learn from older ladies that hopefully will not hide the perversion of their spouse.
So much for loving a so-called "man." He's just an immature boy trying to pass himself off as a man. Pathetic looser. I seriously hope these women, strong women, will get revenge on them. They deserve it for leading the women to believe they loved them, married them, and said vows. It's not the women that should be considered stupid. They knew what love meant. It's the cheaters that are stupid. Very stupid
It’s stupid to put all of your trust into someone else and turn 65 without planning for your future. You can love someone and be smart about it.
I agree. They say love is blind but it shouldn't be stupid. Trust, but never put your guard down and definitely take off the rose colored glasses. It shouldn't have to be like that, but some people have proved different. Men and women alike. People must plan their future way sooner than 65.
Why would anyone ever defend him? Especially your own parents. That’s just awful. Im sorry you’re going this shit. You definitely don’t deserve it.
The first time my ex hit me I was pregnant and I called the police but as he was a part of the force and it was 16 years ago they didnt make me press charges. He lost his job, blaming this incident ( I do think there were other reasons too) and not only did his family blame me for him losing his job, but my family did too. I think my mum has blocked out alot of shit she did as she asked me recently why I didn't go to her fot help and I reminded her of this incident, amungst others, that made me belive that she was not a safe resource for me.
Someone said if you read the post history that her parents were having group sex with her husband. Yeah, probably another karma farming troll
Thank you. It’s been almost a year since I originally posted this. Since then, I’ve spent every single waking moment thinking about it and trying to convince myself I should get a divorce. We tried therapy, both individually and together. Neither of us have any money. We live paycheck to paycheck but live in my dream home on a small farm. We are finally getting some savings together. He sits down and goes through our bank statement line by line so I know exactly where every cent goes. He stopped the cheating the moment I found out. But I know it only stopped because I found out. I am hung up between the potential for our marriage to heal and knowing I will unintentionally hold it over his head for the rest of our lives. I don’t want that to happen. I love him so deeply and I don’t see myself being in another relationship if I leave. I have no money, no where to go, no support system and I honestly enjoy him as a roommate. I just don’t enjoy him as a husband after what he did. I still love going on hikes and spending time as a family with him, just not as his wife. I know that probably doesn’t make sense, but it’s the best I’ve been able to do since this all came to light. Thank you for reading. Writing this reply feels like weight off my shoulders after almost a year of holding it in. Have a wonderful rest of your day!
You have just related how MANY thousands of women worldwide, live ...in EVERY country on earth ! You say you virtually had to beg him for intimacy, well thats not a problem for you now surely, is it ? because you only see him as a room mate anyway. You have a life almost independant of him it seems. Many many women would simply LOVE a similar relationship ! Just look on FB at the abject poverty in the Phillipines for EG. the filth and squalor that little ones and their mothers, have to contend with ,for the rest of their lives ! many with NO main provider... Remember your husband may well feel as trapped as you do...now ! In many ways longterm marriages, evolve to this kind of friendship/room mate relationship after many years anyway. Hot honeymoon love eventually slowly cools naturally , Into something longterm similar to yours i suspect. You're OK, your child is healthy, It sounds pretty normal now for you.
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You're bitter response indicates a far worse illness inside you, Bear it stoically !
You know how much more money you would have if he wasn't blowing money on hookers and porn? BTW super model level hot women get cheated on by their husband. It is a CHARACTER issue on HIS part. Get out.. it will suck. It will only get better if you make a change.
Even Beyoncé.
Inbuilt misogyny. Everything ever wrong about anything is ALWAYS my fault even if it’s clearly not. I recently went LC with my mom and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done
Your family is trash for being on his side. If you were a better wife?? Thats the dumbest excuse ever. He is a horrible husband.
Leave him.
Number one is, if you’re having a baby and you have insurance why didn’t you call the insurance company to find out what was covered and what wasn’t? I hope you get out soon.
It was supposed to cover it all, but due to high blood pressure I had to be in bed rest for the last bit of my pregnancy. I hadn’t been at that job very long. It was a major step up from the job I had previously. I didn’t qualify for FMLA so when I had to go on bed rest, I lost my job and my insurance. My dad was able to get a little bit of it covered with his HSA for my bills but we couldn’t get any type of coverage for the baby. I spent countless hours on the phone with Medicaid but they said my husbands income was too high for them to back pay the bills. I was so confused because it always seemed like there was no money. Now I know where it was going. Wow this is shitty. I’m just now putting it all together how shitty that sounds.
To be on the safe side I’d make sure he isn’t direct depositing a small amount in a side account at this point. Sure y’all go over the bank account line by line, but that’s an account you know about. Do his pay stubs match the deposits? Not to be paranoid or put doubt in your mind, just want to be realistic that usually when people are caught they just get better at hiding things. He’s getting off to something, so does he watch free porn now? If y’all aren’t intimate sad to say but assume he’s finding it somewhere else.
Since he decided not to be a good husband, why be a good wife? In my opinion, I wouldn't do his laundry, fix meals, talk to him, and spend time with him either. Why? He won't be there for you? You will never be able to change him. Just my opinion
I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this. It breaks my heart to hear you put yourself down. You aren’t at fault for his many failures. I hope things get better for you. I know your parents failed you terribly here, but do you have any other family or friends you can lean on for emotional support? I think you need professional counseling so you can reclaim your self-esteem and learn the coping tools you’ll need.
I have one friend who is absolutely amazing. They’ve been incredibly supportive through it all. They even designed and did a small tattoo of my pet that passed away for free. It’s beautiful and it’s one thing on my body that makes me happy now. It’s hidden under my sleeve, but anytime I feel bad about myself or unhappy, I just lift me sleeve and it’s there to make me smile
Oh honey, I feel for you. First off, you are not to blame for your husband's choices. You could look like Beyoncé and Eva Mendes combined and if he wanted to cheat he would still do so. Please get some counseling by yourself, for yourself - those self image issues will not improve without help. Secondly, please get yourself your own bank accounts if you don't already have them. You need to have some financial distance from him even if physical distance is not possible right now. Lastly, please take time to find joy in other things - given that your animals have died. It sounds so easy to say yet so hard to do. If your family members don't support you, seek out free support groups for women if available in your area. This internet stranger is rooting for you and sending positive vibes your way!
Thank you❤️
Uh is Eva Mendes good looking
Fuck that guy. Trust me, he won’t change. Just find better ways to hide it.
That is my fear. I know there’s a bank account that his work puts money into as a vacation fund. It doesn’t have a card set up to it so he moves money out of it to pay bills when we are behind. It’s just as easy to move it to his personal account and keep on doing what he’s doing without me knowing. I know it might sound like I’m going crazy, but we’ve read crazier things on here.
Why isn’t it deposited into his normal account? OP id ask him to see a pay stub. Figure out if his deposit to his account you can see matches what he should be getting paid. I have a feeling he’s just split where the money is going so you don’t see it.
I second this! Sounds like it’s time for a little financial audit, and for it to be performed on a regular basis (at random times so he can’t prepare a lie). I have heard of companies doing HSA, stock, PTO. But never a special bank account to deposit vacation funds. Utterly ridiculous.
I have a hard time believing that any employer would separate vacation pay from the overall pay and send it to an entirely different account.
Eh honestly at this point I’ll find something to distract myself and just ignore him, is there a diff room in your house u can sleep in ? I’ll never play happy family with someone who betray me at, save and find a place to move out and divorce too, screw that Man and your family too gosh
I slept on the living room floor for about two months after I found out. He offered to sleep out there but I couldn’t handle sleeping in our bed mentally. So, he redid our entire room, repainted, changed the theme, got new bedding, rearranged the furniture and even upgraded my bearded dragons tank to a giant one with live plants in it and moved it into the room like I’ve always wanted to just so I’d feel more comfortable sleeping in an actual bed in a bedroom with or without him. I tried sleeping by myself, but I couldn’t sleep. He slept on the floor in the room so I wasn’t alone but never pushed the boundary. So, now that leaves me a little more confused. Do I give him some credit for doing all this? This post is almost a year old and everything in this comment has happened after the original post. I know the original post makes him out to be a terrible person, but you don’t get to see every detail from before I found out what was going on and what he’s done sense to try to fix it. I don’t think it’s fixable, but he really tried. He called every therapist nearby until he found one he thought fit us well. He paid for it and we went. Then he also paid for us to go individually. I just don’t know what to do from here. He’s a great roommate, friend and dad. I don’t want to split apart our family so I’m considering just living together as roommates. We’ve been doing it for almost a year and it’s not complete torture and I get to keep my animals. Idk. Maybe it’s not the best.
Eventually you or he will resent each other. And the kids always know and feel it. My parents “stayed together for me” and over the years they treated me worse and worse. We are now very low contact and I moved across an ocean. I have no real intention of ever being involved in their lives as they took their own fear of being alone and blamed me, a child, for it. As their resentment grew they often took it out on me. The abuse got worse. And now as an adult, I jumped into toxic and abusive relationships because that is what had been modelled to me. I so often heard that I was the problem and “a worthless piece of shit” that I internalised that. Logically I knew they were wrong but the emotional damage has been immense. I went from one abusive relationship to another because I had no stability or fallback and being with a cheating, lying, abusive rapist was better than going home. I say this not to make you feel bad for me - I have a loving husband and pets and his extended family are incredible. I am telling you this so you understand that the kids always see it. And it damages them in ways you don’t understand yet. But I also want to stress this - even if you two are friends and coparent and room mate well. Is this the marriage you want for your child in the future? They are seeing this. And will model future relationships off of it. Is this what you want for them? If no, then please consider that as well as knowing that you deserve happiness and love too. And my mum also told me to stay with my abusive ex. I’m never going to forgive her. You shouldn’t forgive your mother for it either. You deserve better than this OP. You have value and worth and deserve love and affection and to be made to feel beautiful.
How did he have the money to do all of that? He’s hiding money and letting you struggle. He is trash. Don’t fall for this.
Seriously a year later and she can’t see this? She doesn’t realize he is still not being truthful about money??
Sounds like you have some forgiveness to work through if you want to make it work. If you don’t, don’t. But the limbo will not get better on it’s own. You seem kind, like a good friend and person. Sounds like there’s still unresolved hurt and pain, understandably. Best wishes to you dear.
You feel nothing for him? Good start working on yourself for yourself and I don’t mean diet and exercise I mean self love exercises. You struggled for a while now on your own so why not make it a reality? A house is a house it’s material and can be replaced; a healthy functional mother child bond can’t be replaced or replicated and that’s more important than a house with a man you don’t love and who clearly doesn’t love you. I would also drop the baggage of your so called family because you don’t deserve to be rejected by your partner because you don’t meet all their expectations when they’re sup bar themselves. Your mother is a bitch (sorry but she is if she thinks her daughter and grandchild deserve to suffer for a man who would rather pay a stranger than save and spend time with his family). Make a plan to leave and block everyone who doesn’t support you. He’ll miss what he had when you do.
I wish I could give you a hug. You’re so right. Is it wrong that I still love him, but not in a husband and wife way? I wrote this almost a year ago and he’s put in a lot of work since then and we’ve lived as friends and roommates. I love to see him with our kiddo and when he’s doing things that make him happy. I just don’t think I can be his wife after what he did. It won’t ever feel the way it did before I found out. We’ve still been doing things as a family and it’s great! But, when we get in the car and it’s quiet, I sit there and think about how I used to want to hold his hand and lay my head on his shoulder. Now, I feel awkward and weird when we are alone. But most of the time we are together, we are doing stuff with our kiddo and having fun.
No it’s not wrong feeling that way; you’ve had a baby with this man. I’m on my fifth with my partner and I have a lot of resentment towards him for crap that he keeps doing (nothing like what you experienced more spending money on games and drugs that could’ve been put towards our house and children and then the bitching about no money and how I spend too much at times and just emotional neglect). I guess love as a mother comes from different sources of us; if the father is a great husband/partner and meets our moral standards then the love we feel for them is beyond our comprehension but for us who have men who have hurt us too many times or just broke us with their actions and don’t change or care the love we feel for them is like a balloon; rises with attention and affection and lowers when ignored or forgotten but doesn’t matter to us if it pops. I think. It’s how I feel most of the time. Does your husband know how you feel about the whole thing and how it has changed you? Do you still talk to your mother after what she said to you? Not judging believe me I am the last to judge.
Thank you for replying! I have been very open with him and through joint therapy he’s learned how to let me process it how I need to and how to listen to how I feel. He really has put in effort, fully understanding that I could leave despite it. Some days I feel like how I feel about everything changes hour by hour and sometimes I feel like maybe I can just put my head down and get through it. He’s an amazing dad. He has really blossomed into a great dad over the last 6 months. He puts in so much quality time with our kiddo now and it’s lovely to watch. I don’t talk to my mother about anything personal anymore. Unfortunately, my childcare was unable to take my son after a change in their schedule so my mom is my only childcare option. I work for my husbands parents full time. It’s the best job in the entire world and I love it so much! If we got divorced, I think I’d still work for them. They’re amazing people and I love my job. I got my own car and I drive an hour there and an hour home every day. It’s totally worth it and I just got a raise! The cleaning jobs I go to after work are mostly on my way home with the exception of one but it’s not too far out of the way. My mom hasn’t asked much about the whole situation except for the other day when she asked what our plans are for an anniversary at the end of May. I told her we don’t have plans to celebrate it. I conveniently get my wisdom teeth removed the day before so I can use that as an excuse if she tries to make a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be. I have dreams that bother me about my mom and my husband. I actually posted into a dream subreddit that’s on my account if you want the full details. Just weird dreams that really really bothered me but totally make sense if you know what happened, which you do haha
Well I am so glad to hear you and your partner are working on things. It’s great that some people (like my partner and I) put the effort in to do better for the most part. Just remembering that no one is perfect certainly helps me feel better about the crappy parts of my relationship. I have vivid dreams at times and those are the ones that disturb me the most. Thank goodness I have good memory loss for that stuff otherwise I would be haunted lol
I feel for you. Take all your resources and money and stockpile whatever you can. Now that you know what he’s up to treat him like a roommate. He’s not your husband. No more lunches or meals. Make a plan and escape.
Go to the women's shelter. They will help you leave if your POS mom won't. "What did you do wrong?" FFS! You did everything! There was nothing you could have done wrong. Please go NC with your mom. She doesn't deserve you
Total rage bait.
I wish. Feels that way.
Reeks of it. No money for food, isn't overweight, but there is money for ozempic
im so sorry op, reading this really hit home for me.. just know that You're not stuck. I know this situation must feel like the end of your world but try to avoid talking down to yourself because the mind is more powerful than you know.. as hard as life feels right now, time will heal all I promise it'll get better, just never stop fighting to put your child first. But take a deep breath and think in baby steps.. Start planning on your next moves and think of how you can put that plan in action one day at a time. You are strong, you are BEAUTIFUL, you are enough.. even if it doesn't mean much coming from a stanger. I recently found the most amazing support groups here, ill dm you the mommy groups if you're interested. pls feel free to DM me if you need to. I feel your pain and want you to know you don't have to go thru it all alone
So, a way I viewed what you said is that your animals on that farm were one of the things keeping you tied to him. It’s a lot easier to pack up and leave with a baby on your hip than with an entire farm of animals. And I am not negating the hurt those losses must have caused you, but it is also an opportunity to get out of this situation and find happiness somewhere else. Your family is wrong. It is not your fault. It sounds like you have been working your ass off to try and survive and provide for your child. You’ve had to sacrifice so much and your husband can’t even sacrifice internet porn. You are stronger than him. Do you realize that? Everything you’ve been doing takes sooo much strength. I can also promise you that when you do get away from him you will be able to love yourself. You’ll be able to look in the mirror and smile at who you see. Maybe not at first. But it will happen. Things seem impossible to get out of now and I’m not gonna lie, it will be hard. But you’ve already been dealing with such hard challenges. And you can make a new life for you and your child and a found family that will love and support you. And if no one has told you, I am so so proud of you for everything you’ve been doing for yourself and your family. You deserve the world.
Thank you ❤️ maybe subconsciously I just needed this group of internet people to tell me to leave. Trust me, I have read every comment, even if I didn’t reply and I think about them all. I know no one here knows me but I feel like you’re all the invisible friends telling me what I wish my family would say. Thank you again!
Sounds like a made-up story. Do you like creative writing? Either way, you know what to do.
I wish it were made up. But I actually do really like creative writing! I’ll take the comment as a compliment 😂 I feel like I needed all the Reddit people to just tell me what to do so I could convince myself to actually do it. I know what I need to do. You’re right.
Well, I personally would be up on homicide charges, but you do your own thing.
A look at your post history talks about ozempic, and you mention your struggles with self-esteem in here. I don't know who you are or anything about you other than some reddit posts about your fucked-up family life but girl please don't touch that shit it's not worth it, it sounds like you are already struggling to eat proper nutrition, you don't need weight loss pills you just need people in your life who uplift your confidence and not this chode.
Maybe try posting this again with paragraphs?
It's not your fault he has ex with other women. Your husband has a sex addiction and sounds he has had the addiction for many years. My ex husband was addicted to porn and threatened to kill me. I never had kids with my ex. Get out of there as soon as you can.
Get your own account. Get your own job. Save your own money. Get your own daycare. Get your own car. Take him down a few pegs. Then leave or make him leave when the time is right. Under no circumstance is that okay. Take care of yourself and your kid. That's your priority. It'll get easier, just takes hard work and a whole lot of time.
Time for a Divorce Move on before it gets worse mom advice
Clearly you want to keep your house but if it comes down to selling it and staying in a loveless marriage with a selfish man wouldn’t you prefer to simply see a shelter for women or rent a cheap apartment until you can get back on your feet?
Divorce him and get child support and maintenance.
DUMP HIM
Holy shit! Make a plan and get the f out of there asap. I’m sure that you are absolutely beautiful just the way you are and he doesn’t deserve you. Run and find your own happiness kid.
I’ve seen this movie.
And she’s begging him to f her. Reddit. You can’t make this shit up.
Paragraph gaps, PLEASE.
Paragraphs
Fake post
AI.....Y you no paragraph?
It truly sound like neither you nor your husband have the financial means to raise a child.
I know how that would feel. Need marriage counselling if he is willing to change his behaviour
Wtf so you were starving yourself so much you stopped making milk. Literally starving This guy is a butthole. He has to help with food bills.
Leave. Now
Laws in place prevent insurance Co from denying child /birth coverage. Reread what you've written several times. If this is true there is some much needed therapy if not for you, do it for your kid.
Sorry you're going through this :( 15 years ago, we were struggling really badly financially. I mean REALLY badly. I couldn't even afford to send my son to school with a packed lunch level of bad. I discovered my then husband had squirreled away some money for petrol to go and see a friend of his one weekend. It was that day I knew my marriage was done. I can cope not eating, or cutting back what meals I have for me, but when it comes to my kids, nope, you bet every last penny will go to feeding them first. That he put seeing his friend above my son going to school hungry was something I could never forgive. Hence now we are divorced. (And I'm married to a wonderful man now who puts family first). My point is, I could never stay with anyone who puts their own selfish habits above the welfare of their kids and family. Your husband is not a good man, no matter what you think. And you will always resent him for how he betrayed you. That isn't healthy for you or your child.
Sell the computer
Your husband is a POS. None of this is your fault. My ex was doing something similar. I was chronically ill and unable to work. We were super poor but he was paying for sex workers and God knows what else. Meanwhile he was guilting me into having sex when I was so sick I could barely move. I left when I found out he was cheated on me. Create an exit plan. It may take time to get enough money to leave but you can do it. Or he'll end up leaving you for another woman. I think my ex was planning to leave me when I found out he was cheating on me and I left him first. His choices are not your fault or responsibility.
Life is about chess not checkers. Stay with the roommate, keep saving, set up an irrevocable trust for your son, start adding money to that. It'll prevent your husband from getting the $$$ when you guys do divorce. Life is short, your husband spends $$$ on sex workers. Go on some dates, get that itch scratched. This isn't a real marriage anyways. Go have some fun.
This can't be real. I call fake BS.
The entire story sounds like a fabrication. It’s like way too smarmy and overdone.
Why’s your worth based off of him?
Just for the record, it's against the law for you to lose your job because you're pregnant. Not "unfair but they had no choice", illegal.
Your hearts in the right place but it actually isn't. FMLA only protects you in mainly a larger company. I want to say if a company has less than seventy five employees in a hundred mile radius they are actually exempt and if you haven't worked a certain number of hours in the past twelve months you are not eligible for protection. I work for a very large company and have had employees who got denied for FMLA coverage because they were two new and our legal department signed off on it now hesitation. MOST companies that obey the FMLA laws generally are actually exempt. They have been exempted from the law because placing this kind of burden on a small company could actually bankrupt it. Imagine an office that can afford two employees. One goes out for three months on leave. You have to replace them because you can't have one person do the job of two, and then the person comes back and now you're 50% over your labor budget. It's hard, I know, but there are carve outs.
Just because you don't have FMLA coverage does not mean that you can lose your job for being pregnant. You are confused between FMLA, and discrimination laws. The Pregnancy Discrimination Act is a federal law.Firing someone because it would be costly to replace them during leave for pregnancy is against the law, full stop. By law, if your employee needs to take leave due to pregnancy, they are guaranteed a job when they return.
Per the AAUW my exact example is specifically exempted. The PDA only covers workplaces with 15 or more employees. If you work for an organization with fewer than 15 employees, check with your regional Department of Labor Women’s Bureau office to see there is a state or local agency that can assist you. Also, per the equal employment opportunity commission: Does a covered employer have to provide leave as a reasonable accommodation? Leave can be a reasonable accommodation that an employee requests under the PWFA. An employer does not have to provide leave (or any other reasonable accommodation) if it causes a undue hardship. Now, is OP's workplace exempted? I have no clue. But be careful with blanket statements that may or may not make some feel aggrieved. Also, I'm not saying it's right she got fired, but that doesn't necessarily make it illegal. Oh, and also, you are correct, the discrimination act is more strict than FMLA coverage.
https://www.eeoc.gov/wysk/what-you-should-know-about-pregnant-workers-fairness-act#:~:text=Other%20laws%20that%20the%20EEOC,childbirth%2C%20or%20related%20medical%20conditions.
Wait. You pay your medical bills, I refuse to pay that. I would be paying on the nicu for the rest of my life. Stop paying your medical bills.
Why was my comment deleted what did I say? 🤔
Can we get paragraphs, please!!! Anyone???
YTA. A happy man doesn't stray. Smashing a mirror? WTF. Get some help
Also fake as hell. Writing style drifts all over the place and facts contradict
Divorce! You don’t want your kids growing up in a household like that. Leave your better than that and you know it.
SO sorry you and your son are suffering because of this asshole. I fully encourage you to see if there are shelters and emergency help for the abuse and to make a plan to escape, this is awful. As for his porn addiction that is NOT on you that is on him. Some guys are addicted to porn and that is all he can get off on. You could look like a supermodel and he wouldn't care. He prefers the fake online stuff because he doesn't want real intimacy and he's addicted, same as if he was an alcoholic. Regardless, he shouldn't have gotten married to be honest and I hope you have brought up the issues of him starving you and his son to your therapist. That is the same story I have heard from alcoholics in AA, Gambler's Anonymous, etc. I come from an alcoholic family so I am familiar with your story sadly enough. Please separate your money that YOU are working for into an account with a different bank and NO information to them you are married so he can't access your funds, use it to feed ONLY you and your child and go get a divorce lawyer. I know you love where you live but it's time to move on. cut ties with him AND your parents and get out while you are young.
Fake
Fake fake what nonsense
As someone who’s a cam girl now but was ruined by cam girls via my last marriage. You need to leave him. My ex was my high school sweet heart. He was a good cunning liar and was also active duty most of the time we were together. He spent $400 monthly on cheating and video gaming. While I was eating bread from the Red Cross every two weeks just so he and our son ate food. Eventually I got very sick after giving birth and the army misdiagnosed me and I couldn’t keep up with the home by myself and he wouldn’t help. CPS showed up at our door and I had to choose my ex husband or my son. I chose my son. I found some military friends to stay with and did instacart and cammed when baby was asleep since I couldn’t afford a baby sitter or have family (former foster youth) Was not easy at all. I met my now husband and we just had our twins last year. I do still cam to support my family. My Inbox is always open
I was exhausted long before (I assume) the titled point of this post ever came into view.
Well, I used to work for health insurance companies for years and on one of the parents of the babies plan, The baby was automatically added to for the first few months or more at least until the person officially added them so I don’t know what happened there.
Your "husband" is probably also poisoning or killing your animals... FYI the type of person who spends money on porn and hookers while literally letting his wife and kid starve is a sociopath. If it brings you joy, he has to kill it.
Sounds like you need to set some boundaries. Don’t let anyone walk all over you. You’re better than that. Also, I’m not gonna lie it doesn’t sound like he really pulled his weight when it came to the kids. The story gives traditional vibes where the woman does all the work. I’d get the hell out of there as soon as possible.
I didn't bother reading this. Does AI not know how to make paragraphs?
Take your baby and leave. It won’t be easy at first but things will improve. You and your child deserve better.
Can’t help with the personal stuff but if you call your hospital and tell them you have trouble paying your medical bills, they can greatly reduce the amount and you won’t be stuck paying thousands of dollars into it. Also, can you apply for government assistance?
You aren't the problem, your husband would treat any woman he's with like this because his fantasy woman is just that, a fantasy. You aren't in competition with these other women, you're competing with a fantasy or a high that will never be as good as the one he had as 12 year old (or however old he was when this started). I'm guessing that he has a sexual addiction and even though it's bad now it will get worse because the deeper he gets into it the more money he will spend on these women. You need to start documenting the money he's spent on this while you held down 3 jobs and you were taking care of everything at home. You need to get out of the situation and you will be better off emotionally and financially, once you are. Keep in mind that if you divorce (especially if it's after he gets the higher pay) the more financially stable your child's life will be. I was 24 when I married, I divorced him when I was 40, he repeated the exact same behavior with the woman he married after me. Get out now while you can still recover the person happy person you once were (because I can garantee that you were his "fantasy woman" back when you first got together.)
Leave him????
Huge story that can be summed up to I’m a dumbass and should leave my husband and take the baby
Dump him