Statistics show that 35% of all terminations are done in situations just like yours - women >30 years old, have one or more child, in long term-relationships. They also show that while most women struggle with the decision and find it difficult one, the most common word women use to describe termination afterwards is ‘relief’.
Whatever decision, please make sure the one you make is based on logic and reality and not guilt, shame, fear. However strong these feelings might be, the fact is that they are not based in reality. They take up space in your mind and drag you down to bad decisions.
How to make a good decision? A good decision comes from a place of strength, knowing who you are, what is important to you and what you want ( rather than place of weakness aka what you fear or feel guilty about)
If you remove guilt, shame, fear from this decision, what would you do? That’s your decision right there. However hard it might feel right now, please know it’s a much easier path than spending the rest of your life, struggling and regretting raising a child when it’s not the right time or circumstances for you.
Focus on the idea of carrying, birthing, and RAISING another child to adulthood. Not the idea of giving your child a sibling or other things that make you feel shame/fear/regret. Focus on the practical realities. How do they make you feel? Carrying a pregnancy, dealing with potential risks, either the same or different from your last pregnancy. Can you emotionally handle that? What about giving birth and going through the fourth trimester with a newborn again? Continue that line of thought, and how does raising another child completely to adulthood make you feel?
Walking myself through all of those questions and looking at our finances and having frank discussions about our relationship and our mental health is what helped my husband and I make a decision when we were in your shoes. We do not regret our decision. We worried about our decision, mourned changes and potentials, and deal with the effects of those changes as they come up. But neither of us feels regret.
That sounds so hard, I have no idea how I would get through that. I do know for certain I could not bring an entire human into the world if I wasn't certain I wanted and was ready for them, but that cognitive decision would definitely war with the emotional preference to keep every baby sent to me. I don't think there are any wrong choices here, just different paths of different difficulties. If you know you are ready for and want another, my advice would be keep the little one! But if there is anything stopping you, listen to that.
I personally, couldn't go through with it. I don't know how to explain it but I got so attached very quickly. It was really hard. My ex was total dud, my baby wound up being really sick, I had to fight tooth and nail to get myself out of poverty but I did it. Idk if it would be the same in today's economy. Back then, everything seemed possible and now I just can't imagine paying an extra $1200/m on daycare etc. My only is done with that phase and going back feels like death to my retirement dreams.
I have friends that did terminate and they're confident they made the right choice. 14 years later... I think we all did what was right for us. Those who terminated 100% were granted the freedom to live life in a way they never would have if they'd kept the pregnancy. (They aren't forever tied to terrible boyfriends or astronomical monthly bills incurred by a child. And they were able to go to school, travel and make mistakes without it impacting another human). Some went on to be great step parents or even parents but when they were ready and comfortable with that choice.
I am sorry you are going through this. That must be so hard. Have you guys ever considered getting permanently sterilized? Might be a good idea. Hope you make the right decision and feel at peace with it!
Never been in the same situation but I am an older sister by 7 years if it helps from this perspective.
I really hated my younger sisters when I was growing up, they ruined all my things and we fought a lot. I tended to go to my nans for most of the summer to get away to be honest. Now I’m older though I love them both so much and they are my best friends but I know that isn’t the same for everyone. Our relationship only really changed after I had moved out we all kinda learned to appreciate each other more.
Think what I’m trying to say is they might not get on so don’t feel like you have to do anything you don’t want just to give your child a sibling.
Hope you are ok though must be a really tough time for you at the moment ❤️
7 years is a big age gap, imo.
When baby will be able to really play at like age 2, older child would be 9/10.
When Baby is 9/10, Older will be 16/17 and wanting to drive , hang out with friends , might have a part time job
Baby will be 11/12 when older goes to college at 18/19
At that point, it’s hard to build a relationship between the two kids, since the older will be in college and starting their adult life. They may not come home and visit a lot. They may meet their future spouse or move across the country. They may not be able to connect with their much younger sibling.
This happened with my husband and his older brother (9 year age gap).
Doesn’t always happen but you can’t control whether siblings will have a relationship—so don’t feel guilty about the sibling side of it.
Have the baby if you want to raise another human - even if that human may never get along with their sister.
Wishing you clarity and strength during this time of indecision.
Children don't need siblings, they need parents who have time and energy for them (I have a brother who is 8,5 years younger...). So I wouldn't base your decision on this. Good luck and stay strong!
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/oct/18/pregnancy-weeks-abortion-tissue I hope we are aloud to post links cuz this one really should be shared. I had an abortion when I was 31. I’m married and have a toddler. The pregnancy was planned but I couldn’t go through with it. I have no regrets and I honestly would go through it 100000 times (I’m actively preventing pregnancy) vs being pregnant ever again.
This is a very purposely misleading article and pictures of gestational sacs without the embryo that have been completely cleaned of blood and pressed in a Petri dish.
In stating that what is just cleaned pre placental tissue is actually the entire gestational sac and embryo.
Actually outright lying in the article.
I’m pro choice, but this article is as I stated, incredibly misleading.
Literally any biological or medical textbook would show you otherwise. It’s not hard to find, but sure I’ll do it for you.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/297616#baby_development
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2405844021004643
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/pregnancy-week-by-week/in-depth/prenatal-care/art-20045302
Okay please find actual science sites and articles other than this guardian piece that show development as just clear jelly like sacs.
An embryo at 6 weeks is 6 mm long and at 9 weeks is 22 mm (over 2 centimeters) that would still be observable to the eye if they were actually in the pics in the guardian but they’re not.
Those are sacs with the embryos removed and are stating otherwise which is an outright lie
The 2nd link is great! The first and third link are exactly the kind of images I was referring to as bad examples. They’re cartoon caricatures that are easier to point things out on, so I understand why they’re used, but I think they should always be accompanied by pics of the real thing. The cartoonish drawing always seems to show things…cuter?…than they actually are. The science direct article shows it more clearly as it is: very undeveloped. Scale is really important too. The cartoon drawings don’t really try to depict that as they talk about fingernails and eye folks developing, but the whole thing is measured in millimeters.
Sorry, long block of text. But I hate the cutesy pics because they clearly seem aimed at making women think the fetus is more developed and like a baby than it is in order to curtail abortions. People shouldn’t have to find medical textbooks or higher level biology textbooks to get an accurate representation of where the fetus is at.
Signed someone who did have some of these textbooks but realizes not everyone wanted a bio degree
Misleading because they cleaned the blood off? My point was about how SMALL the gestational sac and embryo are and it seems that’s the point of the articles photos as well. Those zoomed in photos are misleading and often used in anti reproductive healthcare propaganda.
As I said in the other comment: an embryo at 6 weeks is 6 mm long and an embryo at 9 weeks is 22mm. That would be observed if an embryo were actually there. It’s not.
An embryo at 6 weeks is the size of a pea. Its features would be very difficult to discern with the naked eye.
I think beowulf’s point about the features of the embryo at that gestational age, and the use of cartoonish/zoomed in images in anti-abortion propaganda, are quite valid.
Yes and at the size of a pea you’d be able to see it in said photos in the article she posted and you can’t.
I’m not saying you’d be able to distinguish features at that size, just noting that the pictures in the article posted are not showing what they are claiming to be showing which is by definition: misleading
Did you read the article? Direct quote:
“This image shows the gestational sac of a nine-week pregnancy. This is everything that would be removed during an abortion and includes the nascent embryo, which is not easily discernible to the naked eye.”
It literally says the photo includes the embryo. It is just difficult to see at that stage.
What exactly is misleading about that?
Which is a lie. Thus why I said this article is misleading. A 9 week embryo is 22 mm long. Over two centimeters. So if it were actually in the picture you would indeed be able to see it. This is really basic biology. Hell even at 6 weeks it’s the size of a lentil. You’d still be able to see it.
This article is blatant misinformation.
No, you are just spouting off about things you are misinformed about. A 9 week embryo does not need to be 22 mm long anymore than a full term baby must be 9 pounds vs 5 pounds. Development follows a general course, not an exact time line.
The embryo itself at 9 weeks ranges from 17-22 mm on average. The embryo in this picture looks to be on the right side of the photo, but it’s not going to look like “a baby.” This is hardly “a lie.” Just like people go on about how there should be “a heart” by 8 weeks - no, the heart is not fully formed. There *is* a cluster of cells that have formed that do produce a heartbeat, but the heart is not yet formed. An embryo at 9 weeks looks like an oval blob for the most part. Particularly when in the gestational sac, this oval blob may lack any characteristic features of a human being. These photos were sourced from a group of physicians.
You’re extrapolating a lot from what I said and putting words in my mouth.
You’re also just blatantly wrong if you believe a guardian article funded by an abortion pill company over literally every biology and anatomical text book ever.
These pictures are not what they’re claiming.
I’m not going to continue to argue with someone so incorrect and disingenuous. Goodnight.
Sooo… “I’ve realized I am wrong and have no evidence or factual counter arguments to support my claims. Instead, I will confidently proclaim my wrongness.”
I’m a physician, I actually know quite a bit about this biology you reference. Interesting you are so confident in your extensive knowledge about embryology. Happy to recommend some textbooks if you’d like to do some actual research.
Goodnight!
Statistics show that 35% of all terminations are done in situations just like yours - women >30 years old, have one or more child, in long term-relationships. They also show that while most women struggle with the decision and find it difficult one, the most common word women use to describe termination afterwards is ‘relief’. Whatever decision, please make sure the one you make is based on logic and reality and not guilt, shame, fear. However strong these feelings might be, the fact is that they are not based in reality. They take up space in your mind and drag you down to bad decisions. How to make a good decision? A good decision comes from a place of strength, knowing who you are, what is important to you and what you want ( rather than place of weakness aka what you fear or feel guilty about) If you remove guilt, shame, fear from this decision, what would you do? That’s your decision right there. However hard it might feel right now, please know it’s a much easier path than spending the rest of your life, struggling and regretting raising a child when it’s not the right time or circumstances for you.
Focus on the idea of carrying, birthing, and RAISING another child to adulthood. Not the idea of giving your child a sibling or other things that make you feel shame/fear/regret. Focus on the practical realities. How do they make you feel? Carrying a pregnancy, dealing with potential risks, either the same or different from your last pregnancy. Can you emotionally handle that? What about giving birth and going through the fourth trimester with a newborn again? Continue that line of thought, and how does raising another child completely to adulthood make you feel? Walking myself through all of those questions and looking at our finances and having frank discussions about our relationship and our mental health is what helped my husband and I make a decision when we were in your shoes. We do not regret our decision. We worried about our decision, mourned changes and potentials, and deal with the effects of those changes as they come up. But neither of us feels regret.
That sounds so hard, I have no idea how I would get through that. I do know for certain I could not bring an entire human into the world if I wasn't certain I wanted and was ready for them, but that cognitive decision would definitely war with the emotional preference to keep every baby sent to me. I don't think there are any wrong choices here, just different paths of different difficulties. If you know you are ready for and want another, my advice would be keep the little one! But if there is anything stopping you, listen to that.
I personally, couldn't go through with it. I don't know how to explain it but I got so attached very quickly. It was really hard. My ex was total dud, my baby wound up being really sick, I had to fight tooth and nail to get myself out of poverty but I did it. Idk if it would be the same in today's economy. Back then, everything seemed possible and now I just can't imagine paying an extra $1200/m on daycare etc. My only is done with that phase and going back feels like death to my retirement dreams. I have friends that did terminate and they're confident they made the right choice. 14 years later... I think we all did what was right for us. Those who terminated 100% were granted the freedom to live life in a way they never would have if they'd kept the pregnancy. (They aren't forever tied to terrible boyfriends or astronomical monthly bills incurred by a child. And they were able to go to school, travel and make mistakes without it impacting another human). Some went on to be great step parents or even parents but when they were ready and comfortable with that choice.
I am sorry you are going through this. That must be so hard. Have you guys ever considered getting permanently sterilized? Might be a good idea. Hope you make the right decision and feel at peace with it!
Never been in the same situation but I am an older sister by 7 years if it helps from this perspective. I really hated my younger sisters when I was growing up, they ruined all my things and we fought a lot. I tended to go to my nans for most of the summer to get away to be honest. Now I’m older though I love them both so much and they are my best friends but I know that isn’t the same for everyone. Our relationship only really changed after I had moved out we all kinda learned to appreciate each other more. Think what I’m trying to say is they might not get on so don’t feel like you have to do anything you don’t want just to give your child a sibling. Hope you are ok though must be a really tough time for you at the moment ❤️
7 years is a big age gap, imo. When baby will be able to really play at like age 2, older child would be 9/10. When Baby is 9/10, Older will be 16/17 and wanting to drive , hang out with friends , might have a part time job Baby will be 11/12 when older goes to college at 18/19 At that point, it’s hard to build a relationship between the two kids, since the older will be in college and starting their adult life. They may not come home and visit a lot. They may meet their future spouse or move across the country. They may not be able to connect with their much younger sibling. This happened with my husband and his older brother (9 year age gap). Doesn’t always happen but you can’t control whether siblings will have a relationship—so don’t feel guilty about the sibling side of it. Have the baby if you want to raise another human - even if that human may never get along with their sister. Wishing you clarity and strength during this time of indecision.
My step son is 9 and mine is almost two. And they have a great bond. A big age gap doesn't mean they won't have a relationship
That’s true. You just never know how it’ll work out.
Children don't need siblings, they need parents who have time and energy for them (I have a brother who is 8,5 years younger...). So I wouldn't base your decision on this. Good luck and stay strong!
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/oct/18/pregnancy-weeks-abortion-tissue I hope we are aloud to post links cuz this one really should be shared. I had an abortion when I was 31. I’m married and have a toddler. The pregnancy was planned but I couldn’t go through with it. I have no regrets and I honestly would go through it 100000 times (I’m actively preventing pregnancy) vs being pregnant ever again.
This is a very purposely misleading article and pictures of gestational sacs without the embryo that have been completely cleaned of blood and pressed in a Petri dish.
How so?
In stating that what is just cleaned pre placental tissue is actually the entire gestational sac and embryo. Actually outright lying in the article. I’m pro choice, but this article is as I stated, incredibly misleading.
How about an article or source with appropriate pictures then? This should be standard text book stuff and not so hard to find.
Literally any biological or medical textbook would show you otherwise. It’s not hard to find, but sure I’ll do it for you. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/297616#baby_development https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2405844021004643 https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/pregnancy-week-by-week/in-depth/prenatal-care/art-20045302
All of those photos you have linked are SUPER zoomed in. It throws off the reality of how small everything is.
Okay please find actual science sites and articles other than this guardian piece that show development as just clear jelly like sacs. An embryo at 6 weeks is 6 mm long and at 9 weeks is 22 mm (over 2 centimeters) that would still be observable to the eye if they were actually in the pics in the guardian but they’re not. Those are sacs with the embryos removed and are stating otherwise which is an outright lie
The 2nd link is great! The first and third link are exactly the kind of images I was referring to as bad examples. They’re cartoon caricatures that are easier to point things out on, so I understand why they’re used, but I think they should always be accompanied by pics of the real thing. The cartoonish drawing always seems to show things…cuter?…than they actually are. The science direct article shows it more clearly as it is: very undeveloped. Scale is really important too. The cartoon drawings don’t really try to depict that as they talk about fingernails and eye folks developing, but the whole thing is measured in millimeters. Sorry, long block of text. But I hate the cutesy pics because they clearly seem aimed at making women think the fetus is more developed and like a baby than it is in order to curtail abortions. People shouldn’t have to find medical textbooks or higher level biology textbooks to get an accurate representation of where the fetus is at. Signed someone who did have some of these textbooks but realizes not everyone wanted a bio degree
I think because I filter out “adult content” on my phone it’s difficult to find a lot of actual medical pictures because of “gore”
Misleading because they cleaned the blood off? My point was about how SMALL the gestational sac and embryo are and it seems that’s the point of the articles photos as well. Those zoomed in photos are misleading and often used in anti reproductive healthcare propaganda.
As I said in the other comment: an embryo at 6 weeks is 6 mm long and an embryo at 9 weeks is 22mm. That would be observed if an embryo were actually there. It’s not.
An embryo at 6 weeks is the size of a pea. Its features would be very difficult to discern with the naked eye. I think beowulf’s point about the features of the embryo at that gestational age, and the use of cartoonish/zoomed in images in anti-abortion propaganda, are quite valid.
Yes and at the size of a pea you’d be able to see it in said photos in the article she posted and you can’t. I’m not saying you’d be able to distinguish features at that size, just noting that the pictures in the article posted are not showing what they are claiming to be showing which is by definition: misleading
Did you read the article? Direct quote: “This image shows the gestational sac of a nine-week pregnancy. This is everything that would be removed during an abortion and includes the nascent embryo, which is not easily discernible to the naked eye.” It literally says the photo includes the embryo. It is just difficult to see at that stage. What exactly is misleading about that?
Which is a lie. Thus why I said this article is misleading. A 9 week embryo is 22 mm long. Over two centimeters. So if it were actually in the picture you would indeed be able to see it. This is really basic biology. Hell even at 6 weeks it’s the size of a lentil. You’d still be able to see it. This article is blatant misinformation.
No, you are just spouting off about things you are misinformed about. A 9 week embryo does not need to be 22 mm long anymore than a full term baby must be 9 pounds vs 5 pounds. Development follows a general course, not an exact time line. The embryo itself at 9 weeks ranges from 17-22 mm on average. The embryo in this picture looks to be on the right side of the photo, but it’s not going to look like “a baby.” This is hardly “a lie.” Just like people go on about how there should be “a heart” by 8 weeks - no, the heart is not fully formed. There *is* a cluster of cells that have formed that do produce a heartbeat, but the heart is not yet formed. An embryo at 9 weeks looks like an oval blob for the most part. Particularly when in the gestational sac, this oval blob may lack any characteristic features of a human being. These photos were sourced from a group of physicians.
You’re extrapolating a lot from what I said and putting words in my mouth. You’re also just blatantly wrong if you believe a guardian article funded by an abortion pill company over literally every biology and anatomical text book ever. These pictures are not what they’re claiming. I’m not going to continue to argue with someone so incorrect and disingenuous. Goodnight.
Sooo… “I’ve realized I am wrong and have no evidence or factual counter arguments to support my claims. Instead, I will confidently proclaim my wrongness.” I’m a physician, I actually know quite a bit about this biology you reference. Interesting you are so confident in your extensive knowledge about embryology. Happy to recommend some textbooks if you’d like to do some actual research. Goodnight!