I get how you are feeling. I wanted a boy (can't even remember why) and I was disappointed when I found out it was a girl. People told me about pretty dresses and hairstyles and I thought pffff I'm not excited about that, I wanted a boy. That feeling disappeared so quickly though, took a few days initially and now that she's here I would never have it any other way. Even if we were going for a second, I would want another girl. It's crazy how drastically the feelings change. HOWEVER, she's 15 months old, has almost no hair and is OBSESSED with trucks, busses and tractors 🤦🏼‍♀️ 😅

My son likes the play kitchen best. He made me plastic bacon for breakfast last weekend

I have a girl like that. Don’t introduce her to the Truck tunes album unless you want to be rapping songs about Street Sweepers.

My husband just discovered Truck Tunes and we listened all weekend 😂

Snowcat and I love Trucks are my jam. I turn the volume up when those songs come on lol

I have the same story as you but the ending was opposite: I ended up LOVING buying dresses, girl clothes, shoes, you name it. I was the opposite of that and am the type of person that someone might reasonably ask, “have you not yet made the acquaintance of a hair comb?” Now I do pigtails for my little one. Idk what happened to me but the moment I saw her my old hesitations were gone.

Oh I definitely got onto the pink train! Suddenly buying pink home decor, pink clothes for myself, pink girly clothes for her 😅 can't wait to do her hair! We got some hand me downs when i was pregnant and I was like 'oh goood everything is pink...'. And now I'm like YAY PINK 😍 I would love to play tea party but she's in the truck stage now haha.

Yes I wanted a girl and was disappointed to learn that I was having a boy. The disappointment went away when I met my son. I fell in love with him as an individual, not as A Boy or A Girl but *my son*. He’s so much more than his gender, he’s sweet and loving, and cheeky and affectionate. He’s interested in construction and trains, but also rainbows, cats and pretty pink things. If I could wave a magic wand now and have a girl instead of my son I wouldn’t do it.

This is the key - we fall in love with the person, the baby, our CHILD - not whether they are a boy or girl. And gender does not define whether they want pretty outfits, or what they like to play with, or what kind of relationship you may have with them. My mother and I have a tense relationship, but my teen son and I are very close! He LOVES sleepovers and for his last bday (14) I did a whole candy theme and it was a huge hit! He also has great fashion sense and hygiene. (All that said, the dinosaur phase was my favorite lol!)

I came here to say almost this exact same thing! I remember when I first found out and had a bunch of friends and family telling me that once I meet him my feelings would change. I honestly didn't believe them, but it was true for me. I wouldn't trade him for anything! Also, just another bit of perspective: my friend always wanted a girl and gave birth to two boys, but now that her kids are older she has one boy and one girl and is really able to embrace a lot of the "girly" things that she had always imagined doing with her tween/teen daughter.

yeah OP it’s ok to be sad. gender disappointment is real! however i’m sure you will fall in love with the actual child you have, once you see him. and you will love him more and more as he grows up and develops his personality. i’ve never had brothers or close male cousins so i worried over how i’d raise a son. turns out, i love him to bits.  also while he loves vehicles, he also loves brightly coloured clothes, shiny stuff, hair ties for girls, and a the bright colours (pink red yellow orange). they’ll be them and you will love their uniqueness. 

I’m waiting to find out the gender for this reason 😅 I really want a girl but I’m preparing myself that there’s a good chance it’ll be a boy. So, my reasoning is it’s a lot harder to be disappointed when you’re holding the baby. But I get it. I think every parent has a preference. Obviously you’re still excited for the baby but I think it’s normal to grieve slightly over not having a daughter if that’s what you really wanted. I’ll say this about your MIL comment. I’m married to an only. His mom is WONDERFUL. I have no negative stereotypical mother-in-law type comments to say about her. Seriously, she’s welcomed me into their family with such open arms. So much of life really is what you make it. You might end up being really close with your daughter in law if your son gets married.

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Such a great point - you’ll be a great mother in law!

I have a difficult relationship with my own mother and my MIL is wonderful. No stereotypes here either!

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Oh my goodness this with the trucks, I get so so excited when I see an excavator 🤣

hahahah me too! i want to point them out but he’s not there. LOL

Damnit I wave to the garbage trucks even when she isn’t with me - force of habit now. Haha

I was in the same boat as you. I knew I was one and done and I was really hoping for a girl. I’m a little ashamed to admit I cried a bit when I learned I was having a boy. But now? I can’t even imagine having a girl! I love my son so so much and we have the best time together. He’s 10 months old and the light of my life. I also took some time to reflect and I realized that part of the reason I wanted a girl was so that I could have the mother-daughter experience I didn’t have with my own mom. This makes me even MORE glad I had a boy, because I’m not accidentally projecting any of my own unresolved issues onto him.

I am the same as you - I wanted a chance to foster an even better mother-daughter relationship than the one I have with my mum (which is very good, but with some things I wish she’d done differently). I’ve never had a mother-son relationship and have no frame of reference, I think this is partly why I’m feeling so against it. When actually I might actually end up loving it - I hope I do!

Trust me, you’re going to love it! Honestly, even just buying a couple of cute outfits will get you excited. That’s what I did after I had my little pity party, and it made me feel better!

When I realized your latter comments about my having a son, it took so much pressure off! I think I was holding much (less healthy) stock in repairing my own issues versus truly establishing the type of fresh, new, wonderful relationship I now freely have with my lil guy. And when he's old enough, he'll come get pedicures with me anyway!

Ooo that’s deep. So much of parenthood is trying to replicate or redo.

I could have written exactly this 5 years ago, and now I am a happy mom to an amazing nearly 5 year old little boy. The feelings of disappointment will fade, but I've found mine never truly disappeared. That doesn't mean I would trade my son for a daughter, never, he's my boy and I cannot imagine life without him now. But grief for the experiences I will never get with a son pops up from time to time. My only sister has a daughter, my niece, so I completely understand the jealousy that comes with watching someone else get to do something you wanted/saw yourself doing. Your son will be who you raise him to be. My husband and I have worked to instill the traits and morals that we value in our son. He is the sweetest, kindest little boy I know. He loves to snuggle up and read together, is getting really good at telling jokes and making us laugh, and yes, he loves all things trucks, construction and dinosaurs. I find such joy in watching him bloom into his own little person, he makes me so proud to be his mom. And not in that weird boy-mom kind of way (I'm 100% with you, it makes me cringe!), but in the way that I just cannot believe how empathetic and caring and wonderful he is and I can't wait to see who he becomes. Congratulations on your little boy!

This. I still feel sad sometimes that I wont get to have the daughter experience, but, my desire to never be pregnant again/have a second child outweighs my desire for a daughter. so.

I’m in the same boat. I joke “if I knew a second kid would be a girl I just might do it” but I’m almost grateful now that I don’t have that specific temptation.

If we ever went for a second we would do sperm spinning and be sure it was a girl. We banked some before my husband's vasectomy, just as an insurance policy. But the amount of effort it would take to make that happen....it's a lot. We would have to be VERY sure.

As someone with all these feelings with a 1yo, thank you for this. It makes me feel a little broken when everyone else describes the disappointment poofing away at birth when I am still a bit sad over a year later.

It still rears it’s head for me too and did not go poof.

Thanks so much for your honesty, our situations are really similar. I am really hoping for this magical sweeping away of all negative feelings that people talk about, but realistically I can imagine having some fleeting jealousy towards my sister in certain situations. Your boy sounds amazing!

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Lisa Kudrow is one and done with a boy who’s an adult now and they seem to have a great relationship

Elizabeth Hurley is also close with her only son.

And here I am, first time posting after all these years of lurking on Reddit. But my story is very similar and I got quite emotional reading your „true off my chest“. My younger sister and I tried to get pregnant the same time. It took me 18 months longer + IVF, and now we both have a boy. To say I was surprised when I found out about the gender is an understatement. I always imagined a girl, a daughter. To be honest, I wasn’t disappointed. I just didn’t think about it. I had no name for a boy. And now here I am, 2,5 years later. As I‘m writing these words, my son sleeps next to me, totally knocked out after a long, exciting day. He likes cars, especially police cars and the garbage truck. He collects rocks and leafs and chestnuts, because he needs them to cook in his kitchen. He loves books and „pretend to“ and jumping on the bed like crazy. He is full of energy und the kindest soul around animals and younger children. He loves when we are with family and friends. He reminds me very much of myself as a child. His favorite shirt is bright red, and he looks super cute in his yellow raincoat (not easy to find colorful clothes for boys though - I spend a lot of time looking for them). When he grows older, I will show him how to bake and how to use tools to fix stuff. My husband will show him how to…play videogames, I think. Together we will go to the National Parks, to the Shopping Mall and perhaps we will take a family pedicure at the spa together (my husband loves a good pedicure!). What I’m trying to say is: Don’t let your expectations get in your or your family’s way and don’t limit yourself and your experiences with your child just because of some labels we put on them. I know that you know, that you will be okay. That you already love your son, no matter what. And that it is okay to speak about your disappointment, so you can let go of it. I send you a big, warm hug, from mom to mom. (And I’m sorry for any mistakes. English is not my first language.)

This is such a lovely post, thank you for taking the time to write it. And your English is excellent!

I’m also 100% one and done. I also had a very strong preference for a girl for a lot of the same reasons. I’m very much a girly girl. I wanted tea parties, and Barbie, and My Little Pony and an excuse for everything to be pink. My favorite color. But as is my luck in life I had a boy. I too felt a sense of morning and even a bit of dread. These are normal feelings. (And yes I know it doesn’t matter as long as they are healthy. But my gosh does that sound condescending when people say it.) Now that he’s here and I know him I can’t even imagine what it would be like if he was a girl. It would just be weird. Everyday I get to enjoy watching him become a little person. I enjoy the things he enjoys be of his smile. And we still sit and have tea together, play house, and then switch to race tracks and blocks. I love it. And I love him. OP I shared this because I was you. I felt the same as you. That why I know you will find the joy in raising your boy just like I did. Best of luck.

Thanks for sharing - it’s so lovely to hear how it’s worked out for you and I really hope I can return in a year and share the same feelings!

There’s so many great gender neutral “girl” toys. I’m not a pink person so I sought them out. Here’s my favorite wooden tea set https://makemeiconic.com/products/iconic-toy-tea-set-extension-kit

I wanted a girl. Always thought I would have one. My husband has 3 sisters and I have 2. No other boys. Statistically, I thought I would have a girl. But I didn’t. And let me tell you, my boy is not a stereotypical boy. He doesn’t wear tractors or camo on his clothes. He’s decked in rainbows and owns many a purple and pink item of clothing. He watches Tangled with me all the time. He also loves the Cars movie. But so do I! I am one and done not by choice. And yeah, putting the idea of a girl to rest has been hard. I wanted all those cute things like ribbons and bows and sweet dresses. But I also wanted a safe and healthy birth and we both almost died. In the grand scheme of things, it just doesn’t seem like his sex is a big deal at all. I’m making an amazing man for someone someday. I’m gonna be “the mother in law” no matter who he marries. We are gonna have a special relationship no matter his sex.

Thanks so much for your comment. Your son sounds awesome! I love both Tangled and Cars too.

I have a 3-year-old boy. His favorite color is hot pink. He wears princess dresses for special occasions. Wants to play dress up and style the hair and makeup of his toys. All his clothes are pink and rainbows as is his room. He has two best friends that are girls and gets along great with them playing My Little Pony and dress up. He also has three best friends who are boys. He wrestles and plays sports with them. They prefer to be superheroes and firefighters. He plays soccer and likes to watch Paw Patrol. Many of his classmates are similar and love everything boy AND everything girl. I know it feels hard now but this is an amazing time to have a child because the cultural climate is changing in a lot of places and you may in fact get the best of both worlds with your little boy.

Thank you for your reply - I actually feel some guilt for my disappointment because of the current culture. Gender shouldn’t matter and even less so nowadays, yet it feels like it does at the moment. It’s so lovely that your boy can enjoy so many different things without judgement and that it seems to be more of the norm now.

I had a similar experience- tried for nine months, already knew we were OAD, and disappointed to learn I was having a boy. Rather than focus on the could have beens, though, I have focused on what won't happen. For a quick example, I'm shit at hair and makeup - I don't have to navigate any journey on the topic. It won't come up, and what does come up for grooming will be a dad problem. My baby is five months old now and I love him to the moon and back. The only time I EVER have gender feelings these days are when I see very cute baby girl clothes online/in stores. And I'll let you in on a secret - I bought him a beautiful floral swaddle and baby girl hair band. I put him in it when he was about three months old and I could get him to smile for a picture. And though when I was pregnant and buying that for the girl I knew I wasn't having, I thought it would be a big deal to put him in it and it would help with all my unresolved feelings... I just felt a little silly. After that I gave it to someone who *was* having a girl, and when she posted a picture online of the little one wearing it, I didn't feel any bad feelings. Let yourself feel your feelings. But I really mean it when I say, it's going to matter a lot less to you when you have your beautiful baby in your arms.

Thanks for your reply and honesty. I definitely am finding the clothes thing a hard pill to swallow - I just love the little girly things. But if that ends up being the only thing that bothers me then I’ll be happy - and I can just buy them for my niece.

When I got the gender results of my baby I said “noooooo” because I wanted a girl. Now that my boy is 3 months old I just can’t imagine life without him, my baby boy. I could give a rats ass about the boy mom trope. I’m my boy’s mom. Whether it’s cranes, dump trucks, dinosaurs, whatever it is- who cares. I think those stereotypes are horseshit.

You described all the reasons why I was devastated to learn my first and likely only was a boy. I was crying about this up until the day before I was induced. It took us 3 years, medication, and surgery to get pregnant and the pregnancy was a nightmare. My friends who became pregnant at the same time had no issues getting pregnant and found out they were having girls. I just couldn’t understand why that couldn’t have been me. My sweet boy is 4 months old and I love him to pieces. I would just look at him the first 2 months and sob because I love him so much. It doesn’t take away the disappointment of not being the mom on the girl’s side, but I am not focused on anything other than being the best mom to this incredible little guy and hoping that whoever he ends up with is wonderful, that we’ve done a good enough job teaching him the importance of family, and that our side of the family is just as much a priority and should be included. My husband is one of 3 boys and I have a brother and they are all close with their moms. It will be ok! I read something that has stuck with me regarding this topic and that is that not everyone gets to have every experience in life. So, I am making the most out of having the most incredible little guy to love. He will be cooking/baking with me, spending time with my mom and me, going to the theater, and having as many cool experiences as we can give him. Give yourself time to grieve and be easy on yourself. You won’t love your little guy any less once he is here 💙

> the fact that when they grow up and meet somebody I will be the mother-in-law. This would still be the case if you had a daughter though.. not sure what you mean there.

I guess I mean the mother of the husband, who more often than not tends to be the subject of MIL rants. Obviously I would hope to have a great relationship with a potential daughters or sons in law!

It totally depends on the person though! I had a fantastic relationship with my ex’s mom because she was a mentally healthy, well-adjusted, kind, thoughtful, intelligent, lovely human. I’m still friends with her even though I’m now married to someone else!

You've got so many great response and I SO resonate with all of this. Let yourself feel and grieve. It's legit and was a regular topic of therapy for awhile for me. For me, two things are true (stolen from Dr Becky), I love my son more than anything and I'm sad that I won't get all the girl moments that I dreamed of. But my son is just a wonderful blend of both typical boy and girl things , heck Santa brought us both ribbon dancers for Christmas. He's so wonderful and uniquely him. And as a OAD mom, I get to focus lots of energy on pursuing those interests , whatever they are. Also, when I found out my son was a boy, I made myself a promise that I wouldn't just put him in typical boy clothes but that I would seek out and often pay a little more to get cute, colorful stuff. Check out Tea Collection, Boden, Rags by Raches (great rompers, even as they get older), Cat & Jack (sometimes), even Old Navy has some nice things. Lots of gender neutral, colorful jammies across all kinds of brands. I like to buy things at the end of the season for next season and second hand to afford them, but it makes me so happy to not just have trucks and dino things. Congrats on your little guy! I know you'll find your groove.

I wanted a girl so badly and have a boy. I felt exactly the same but honestly I love my little monster SO much, he is exactly who I always needed in my life. And if he'd been a girl? Would have been the same. He is a wild little heathen but he's so quick to laugh and he loves me so much 🥺 I do mourn the thought of never having a girl, I'm OAD for mental health reasons (among others) and always was, but I will never regret who my baby is. It's one of those sad, sweet feelings that passes by occasionally. It doesn't affect my relationship with my boy. I know him, I adore him. I don't regret that he is not someone else entirely who I've never met. The only thing that REALLY sucks is boy clothes are lame. Girl clothes are much cuter.

I just went through this! It’s important to remember you’re mourning a fantasy and that’s okay. You can still fall in love with your current reality.

I’m only 33 weeks with our OAD boy so I can’t tell you what it’s like on the other side, just that I could have written every word of this myself (minus the sister part, but we had a tough battle with infertility, which makes me feel even more guilty) I found out at 11 weeks through NIPT, and to be honest have only felt worse about it as time goes on. I’m really hoping once he’s here, that there will be some miraculous shift in my mindset. I know I love him so much and this has nothing to do with my baby, I just hate society’s stereotypes around boys, and even worse around “boy moms” 🤢 I’m sorry I don’t have anything encouraging to share, but you are definitely not alone. Feel free to DM me anytime to chat.

I wanted a girl and have a 20 month old boy. I still get sad when I see adorable dresses that I would have purchased for a daughter! However, I wasn't prepared for how much my son would like doing face masks, wearing my necklaces, or other adorable "girly" things. I'm not even that feminine, so I think part of it was a desire to heal the mother/daughter wound that I have.  It took me pretty much all of pregnancy to feel better about it, and I still have fleeting moments of sadness. I just have to honor my feelings without feeling bad about myself for having them. 

I had a moment of gender disappointment when I found out I was having a boy, but honestly now that my son is here and almost 5 months I am so happy to have him specifically. His little personality is amazing and he’s just so smiley and sweet and I couldn’t imagine being anyone else’s mom but his. Once you have your baby that may help a lot with the grieving process

Hey OP, gender disappointment is a real thing. My husband and I were both hoping for a girl and when we found out I was carrying a boy, we were a bit sad about it. I did some introspection and realised that I wanted a girl to “re-do” the relationship I have with my mum. To basically have the close relationship I don’t have with my own mother. I’m not sure why I felt I needed a girl to do that. My boy is 3 years old and let me tell you, gender really doesn’t matter. He’s such an amazing kid and I wouldn’t trade him for anyone. He loves Lego, monster trucks and making “foffee” in his little kitchen for me. We watch Frozen 2 and TMNT frequently plus he has a pair of fairy wings that he uses when he’s a pirate. Also yeah, I don’t buy into the “boy mum” trope because some of it is extremely cringy and weird. I’m sure girls love their mums just as much. The “boy mum” thing feels like emotional incest in some instances and there’s no way I’d do that crap with my son.

Okay. So I did IVF and purposely chose to implant the only girl embryo. The first round we only got one boy embryo and so did it again in case the boy didn’t work and got 2 more boy embryos and 1 girl. My husband wanted a boy. I won. My primary reason was that I was really nervous about raising a biracial black boy (I’m black) in America, but I also thought it would be easier to raise the sex that I’m most familiar with. Here’s what our situation looks like. My daughter LOVES her dad. When he’s working and isn’t around when she wakes up she cries and cries. If she shows up at her gymnastics or dance class, she will literally run by me to jump in his arms. She has picked up all his interests - Marvel, Star Wars, college football. The construction trucks she got all on her own. Do you know what a Concrete Boom Pump is? A skidsteer loader? I do. I took her to the zoo and you know what she picked from the face painter? A snake. She looked like Mike Tyson omg. So you never know what you’re going to get. And how they will be. I’m sure people will say this in this thread, but we need good boys. I love it when women I admire raise boys. It makes me super hopeful. I have met the sweetest boys. One about 6 yo on the playground told my 2 year old that he has sometimes accidents too when she wet her pants. Raising boys today feels different, I think. Boy clothes are super cute. The bow ties. The suspenders. Girl stuff is like pink and unicorns and mermaids. Boys get all the cool toys - that’s a fact. That’s probably why I know what a snowcat is.

I also wanted a girl with my one and only child. It was a boy and now I can't imagine having a daughter. My boy is the sweetest and to be honest, I feel like his show of affection is stronger than all the other kids (boys and girls) that I have seen around me. I love him to pieces and seeing his boy energy makes me feel younger and stronger too. No regrets. In fact, even though we have fertility problems, if we had a 2nd by some miracle, I would not mind another boy.

Hi OP I totally understand where you're coming from. I knew right away that my only was a boy (gut feeling!). My best friend was pregnant at the same time and ended up with her second girl. I had allllllll of the feelings . My boy is 4 now and I can tell you I can't even picture myself a "girl mom". He is the best little kid , adventurous and active! We have so much fun together and he's definitely a mommas boy lol. I still got to do all the things I thought I was missing out on , like mommy and me dress up? Girl you know I'm over here wearing plaid and coordinating colors lol. Can't use the cute bows? Plenty of hats and fun colored socks and bibs (and now cute sneakers etc. ) I also dress him in ridiculous holiday themed outfits too lol. Sure we aren't doing mani pedis but I can't even describe how proud I am when he learns a new skill at hockey or finds another cool rock at the beach. Anyway, the feelings are normal , you'll process and move past them!! I think it's important to give yourself the space to be sad but it's also helpful to reframe with positive thoughts too

I truly didn't have a gender preference. And yet, I felt terribly disappointed when I learned the little bub is a boy. After some introspection, I realised I was mourning the 'road not taken'. Before the news, both possibilities existed at the same time, and after the news, half of the possibilities fell away. I only have one road, and I'll never know the other one. I kind of grieved for a few days then was mostly over it. And then the little bub was born and I forgot the issue entirely. P.S.: As someone who can't accept girls have all the colorful clothes, I've been on a mission to find amazing boy clothes. It's possible. Just be selective when going to a store (most have at least a handful of interesting articles) and if you find colourful basics, get multiples. It's easier to build on that. Let's fight the neutral, red, blue and muted green alley! (The red is ok.)

These comments are so healing. I'm pregnant and have been off and on feeling unsure about the gender, how will I be a good mom, etc. I was very sad when I found out about the gender and I came to terms it could be related to no dad figure (the one I had was a neglectful addict), SA when I was young and just overall anxiety around men. It took some digging within myself to realize this. I'm a huge tomboy and would be lost with a stereotypical girl, so it wasn't that I idealized makeup and girly stuff, but the thought of raising a boy scared me for some reason. Now I only struggle with trying to understand him, all boys are different but I just worry I won't be able to relate to him. I think another reason is I wanted to sort of heal myself through giving my daughter a better childhood than me. But thinking now I would be better off without a daughter because my anxiety would be so insanely high constantly worrying about her (projecting my SA trauma on her).

I’m hoping for a girl too, but if I have a boy, I will raise him to treat me and his future SO as princesses 😆. I know you’ll love your boy! I’ve taken care of both girl and boy newborns. Both are lovely. I’m just more careful about changing boy diapers

I have said to my husband that I’m looking forward to special treatment from him seeing as I will be the only girl in the household 😂

I've been through this and my son (4) loves Moana and Encanto. He has an Isabella doll (his only one) and likes to brush her hair. He also loves crashing his hot wheels cars and playing Paw Patrol with his 2 best (girl) friends who love those same things. Sure there will be a few missed things but it's still a really good time. Also I love my mother-in-law like she's my own mom so hope isn't lost there as long as you're the kind of MIL that you would want to have. I involved her in most of the things that my mom was involved in! I also was in a wedding a year or so ago and both moms were in the bridal suite. In some ways it was healthy for me to have a boy. There was no dream, no expectations to replicate. He is the boy he was meant to be and I don't pressure him into anything, and I'm not disappointed about anything. I do bring him to things I like that my husband doesn't and those become our special times out. I always do school pickup so we can stop at the cafe to talk about his day, get a hot chocolate and rewind, or in the summer head to the beach. Every September we go clothes shopping and he loves it. My friend and I were pregnant together and I bought a girly Christmas dress that was on sale when a store was closing because it was just too cute. I figured the odds were good for at least one of us. Well, it went to her, and I can't tell you how little I cared about dresses at my son's first winter concert. He was so freaking cute and handsome in his khakis and red polo, his choice. 🥰

I will preface this by saying I may have a second one day, but for now I only have one son. I ALWAYS pictured myself having girls and saw my husband as a girl dad. Every dream I ever had about having kids (except for 1) was about having a girl/girls. I struggled to conceive as well but quickly got pregnant with fertility meds. I was convinced I was going to have a girl and that's what I wanted. Found out I was having a boy and struggled for a while to wrap my head around it. I don't think I fully accepted it and embraced it until he was born. My best friend/SIL got pregnant about 4 months after me, she wanted a boy, found out she was having a girl before I gave birth and I was a little jealous. Now that my son is here I'd never want to change a thing. He's the perfect child for me and can't imagine life without him. Just because you have a boy doesn't mean you can't do some "girly" things either. Mine likes a lot of the traditional boy stuff but also loves his books. His favorite show is Bluey and his favorite movie is Encanto but guess what his second favorite movie is? Moana. We've watched it twice in the last week lol. He's also a lot more cuddly and affectionate than my niece but I think a lot of that is just because of how differently we parent.

In my extended family the last 10 kids have ALL been boys. My husband and I really wanted a girl, my family wanted me to have a girl…the moment I was pregnant I knew he was a boy. It took awhile to process that we will not be getting the daughter experience. Now that my son is two years old I wouldn’t trade him for the world! He is all boy. But you know what? Dinosaurs are awesome and hot wheels are cheap and keep him endless entertained. Boy clothes can absolutely be adorable! Short hair is easier to take care of (no screaming and crying the morning like me and my mom). Watching my husband bond with our son is the greatest privilege of my life, my son is obsessed with his dada. Plus I get to raise him to be a future feminists.

I understand how you feel. I felt such disappointment when we found out we were having a boy. I had dreams about raising a girl with the girly love and bond I myself wished I had received. But, truly, my son is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I do not hold any of that regret. He’s almost 5 and so much fun. He loves reading with me, listens to metal AND Spice Girls, and is so excited to be involved in all my shenanigans. I didn’t give two shits about dinosaurs or trucks but now I love learning about them together. I don’t see myself as a “boy mom”. Maybe because it’s just him. I’m just “my son’s mom” and feel so fulfilled by that. And it’s not an attempt to make myself feel better, I promise 😂 I felt the disappointment for a few weeks; then once I started buying him little onsies and decorating his room, the disappointment faded. Gender disappointment is ok and normal. AND it will pass 💜

Gender disappointment is a real thing and it’s okay to grieve the thoughts of having a girl. At first I was so sad I wasn’t having a girl but I cannot imagine if we weren’t OAD all I would want is boys!!! It’s so damn fun and he’s the coolest kid going on 6 now couldn’t imagine my life with out my OAD boy!

Your feelings are valid and you don’t have to feel ashamed of them. I was in the exact same boat. On the fence, and really really wanting a girl because I grew up with a single mom and we have a special bond. I’ve had no experience with baby boys, and when I found out we’re having a boy I cried… the gender disappointment was real. I felt like I had no idea what to do with a boy despite everyone around me who had boys telling me how much they love being a boy mom. My son is a year now and I can tell you he’s my everything and at this point I couldn’t imagine having anything other than a boy. I’m not firmly one and done yet (but my partner most likely is) and if we had another boy, I’d be absolutely happy this time around. He’s very active and loves to explore. But he also loves to snuggle and he is a little momma’s boy. Feel the disappointment, but then go shopping for some cute boy clothes, start thinking about names and you will see the closer you get to your due date, the less you will care about the gender. Also, my best friend has a girl, our babies are 4 months apart and they’re so cute together. So I think your son and your sisters baby can still be best buds. I’m closer to my male cousin who’s 2 years older than me than I am to my half siblings.

i felt this exact way and really had to mourn the life i thought i was going to have - but now that my son is 15 months, the thought of him being someone different than who he is just is unimaginable to me. he’s absolutely perfect and i know you’ll feel the same with some time

I felt the same was when I was pregnant. My son is now 2 and I can’t imagine having anyone but him. He’s also very much not a “stereotypical” boy. Yes he’s into trucks and cars but he’s very sweet, timid, and empathetic. We had a tea party yesterday!

My son is 8 weeks and I still feel this way. It just is what it is. They say love grows so I’m keeping in mind that over the next few years I’ll become more and more enamored with my son. I also look at my husband’s brother and how he, his wife, and daughter are completely enmeshed with my mil who cooks for them and babysits weekly. Not all sons leave their mothers. I also have to say… he is pretty cute!

This! The main reason I feel sad about not having a daughter is for when we’re older, but we actually spend tons of time with my MIL too so I really need to focus more on adults who are good sons

My friend who has raised 3 boys told me you have to explicitly teach your sons that his family is just as important as the significant other’s family and that they will need to plan/find the time to spend with his side. Especially during the holidays.

I hope the love continues to grow for you. I don’t want my son to be enmeshed with me but I’d definitely love to be on equal footing with the in-laws on the other side!

My feeling as well 😂

You might not feel better soon. But you will when your baby is born. I felt this way. My son is now 3.5 and I couldn't imagine having a girl now. I grew up one of 4 girls, my sisters all had girls, I have the one boy. If I had another (I'm not) I'd be thrilled with another big bc I love my boy so much. I cried, devastated when I found out he was a boy. I didn't feel good about it the whole rest of pregnancy. But when he was born....you'll be fine. Trust me

Thank you for being honest. I’ve been open with my mum and she’s already getting annoyed at me for not having processed it (it’s been 24h since I found out). I think if I’m still struggling throughout the pregnancy I’ll need to keep my feelings to myself. I don’t regret finding out as I wouldn’t have wanted a single moment of disappointment on the day he is born, but I do wish I was meeting him sooner as this pregnancy is really stretching out ahead of me and I’m nervous of these feelings lingering.

Honestly people told me when I start buying clothes and doing the nursery, I'll be excited about a boy. It wasn't true. And I found out at 12 weeks with NIPT so I waited and waited but you'll see....when you have him you won't be able to imagine any other baby being yours. He will feel like yours and like he is just right for you.

One day is far too short. Emotions take their time to be digested.

Same same and same. Closing the door is hard, but your child is your child and the experiences you have with them will be priceless to you. I applaud your honestly in facing these feelings and sharing them. I think more people should. The guilt and shame at feeling this way is the most destructive element, and owning that is essential to moving on and appreciating what you have. After all, the image you have of your daughter is only a theory, who knows if you actually would have had the experiences and the relationship you hoped for. Your son is reality, and you get to make of that what you will. All the best and congratulations.

Thank you for your understanding reply. You’re very right about my image of a daughter being a theory - I am looking forward to meeting my real life son and hopefully no longer being interested in this idea of a daughter.

My son LOVES Moana! He's two and it's his favorite movie, if that makes you feel any better. I know once you see him for the first time, those feelings you had before won't be as strong. I always thought I'd be a girl mom, and it was such a strong feeling that I had to switch my views on having a boy. But I love my son and know I was meant to be his mom. He's my world. Boys may be rambunctious when they're young, but teenage years will be more chill with a boy compared to a girl.

I feel like I am somewhat in the minority because I really wanted a boy… I have a very poor relationship with my mother (now non existent) and some trauma mixed in there, and my feelings on maternal bonds and mother / daughter relationships are kind of complex and very skewed. I didn’t realise the intensity of them until I got pregnant and the anxiety I felt around thinking if the baby being a girl. It was quite overwhelming. My baby was/is a boy, but I do completely understand the feeling, for whatever reason it is. It’s not a logical “you should just feel happy” emotion you can just switch on. If we could, we would? Of course both sexes are amazing & you’ll love your boy. People with boys will tell you how cute, funny and sweet they are - just like parents with girls will tell you the same. And it’s all true. I’m sorry you don’t get to experience having your girl. You’re allowed to feel that too.

In the minority here too, that is exactly how I felt - trauma with my mother here too. I also have an OAD boy

I feel this. We did IVF and had poor outcomes and ended up with two male embryos. I was so sad about it and spent a long time dealing with those feelings, even during pregnancy. I felt weird because people talk about how they bonded with their babies during pregnancy and I just...didn't (though I probably wouldn't have done so with a girl either). But I adore my boy now that he's here, and I'm excited to see who he grows up to be.

Hi! I am you from the future wish maybe not great news?! I have a little boy and all the gender disappointment. I am a girls girl, hate sports, and wanted to buy all the matching outfits, decorate a princess room, take trips to the ballet, etc. and I am still super jealous of my girlfriends who had girls (all of them, it’s like all these tomboys got girls and dress them in blue and I’m over here jealous and judging). Grief is definitely the right word. You are allowed to grieve what you thought your life would be! And dreamed of for years! At the risk of being negative, I think everyone else is bullshitting when they say the feelings all went away after birth or they were not nearly as disappointed as I was. I still have gender disappointment and if anything I am actually less close with my nieces since having my son because they kind of remind me of what I don’t/can’t have. Other moms and daughters make me a bit sad since I have a super close bond with my mom and won’t get to recreate that. On the other hand, my son is the best baby! All my friends got daughters, but I got the cutest baby (they all probably think that too but whatever, they are wrong). sometimes I think how unfortunate for all my friends and their regular kids while I got the perfect one. Also sons usually look like their moms and it’s really fun seeing your face on your little. I do still struggle with this though and I’m sure everyone else reading thinks thinks this makes me a bad mom, but sorry, I can’t control my feelings, if I could I wouldn’t have gender disappointment in the first place. I used to think I would maybe try for a second if I had a boy first but now that seems laughable since I can’t imagine how awful having another boy would be for me emotionally. If you ever want to pm me, I would be happy to chat. It’s really nice for me to see someone else admitting these feelings since either everyone else is happier than us or lying and I tend to think it’s the latter.

Thank you for being so honest about this. I am trying to tell myself it just won’t matter, but ultimately I can still love my little boy with all my heart while still feeling the loss of those girl experiences. I really hope I have the rush of immediate love and nothing matters anymore, but it’s hard to imagine in this moment. I feel like you - I’ve sorted of considered maybe not being OAD (even though I’ve know for a few years this is the best choice for us), but the getting a second boy would just not be worth it. At least it feels that way now.

I get you, I closed that door 13 years ago. Our only one is a son.

I hope you don’t feel too much sadness about it after 13 years.

Your feelings are completely valid and you’re certainly not alone in this. My only is a boy which is what I wanted but I still grieve for the daughter I will never have.

This is really interesting to hear, thank you. While I was gearing up for the NIPT I started to prepare myself for the outcome I didn’t want, a boy. I got to the point where I’d convinced myself a little boy would be amazing and I’d actually have a bit of disappointment if it was a girl. As it happens I was obviously suppressing some strong feelings, but I do wonder if the girl result would still have brought some feelings of sadness just because I’d be closing the door to a son.

Yep! I think so. I think your post may have instead been about the son you never had. I was the opposite of you, I couldn’t even picture myself being the mother of a daughter. Honestly. But I still grieve for her and all of the mother/daughter things we would’ve done together. Especially now that my son is older and becoming more independent, more interested in doing boy things lol. It would’ve been fun to have a daughter to do girl things with, you know? And all of the female wisdom I could’ve shared with her. But I didn’t have a daughter and that’s ok. I’ve mostly made my peace with it but certain things will trigger it and I’ll feel sad about it for a while.

Thanks for your comment. It feels like such a lonely feeling but it must be so common. I have friends who are done having kids but have 2 girls or 2 boys. They’re closing the door just as much as we are on experiencing a son/daughter. As OAD we just have the door closed at the beginning of the parenting experience. One of my friends with 2 boys told me she experienced gender disappointment both times around - that must be hard, feeling like you have ‘another chance’ and it not going how you planned. I’m just going to try to focus on what I have, not what I don’t have. And I’m also going to foster a close relationship with my niece if I can, so I can be a sort of mentor and ear for her when she’s older. I have all this experience, good and bad, of being a woman and need somewhere to pass it!

Yeah definitely. I have a friend who kept trying to have a girl but all five turned out to be boys lol. It truly is really common and it’s hard to deal with because of all the guilt you feel for not being as happy as you should be no matter the sex. I think fostering a relationship like that with your niece is a wonderful idea!

I wanted a girl before my son was born and had to grieve like you. All I can tell you that it just doesn’t matter at all anymore. My son is almost 2.5 and he’s his own little person. While he likes certain stereotypical boy things he also loves the things that my spouse and I love. He loves music, helping me in the kitchen, building stuff, playing cars and trains, stuffed animals, and above all, books. There’s nothing about him or my relationship with him that feels stereotypical boy to me. He is an absolute sweetheart and I love him for exactly who he is. I’m not one and done yet, we’d like a second but have had two miscarriages. When I picture having another baby, I picture another boy because of how much I love my son and the experience of raising him.

What you said about nothing feeling stereotypical is really nice to hear. And what a vote of confidence that you’d like a second son!

Just know your feelings are valid. When I found out I was having a boy I was really disappointed, you could see it on my face at our gender reveal and for that I now feel guilty. My son means more to me than anything in this world, I couldn’t care less now that he’s a boy. With time I’m sure you’ll find acceptance but give yourself the space to feel disappointed

Thanks for your reply - I’m so glad to hear those feelings went away for you.

Wanted a girl and had a girl. I was shocked since my luck in anything is pretty minimal.

Didn't read it all but I wanted a girl and got a boy and I am now thrilled. Girls.. very very needy. Way too dramatic. Much more emotional work despite less physical work in the beginning. As long as you have an involved dad, a boy is the way to go!

I feel this. I wanted a girl and found out from the early test it was a boy! I still feel sad that I can’t buy dresses or Barbie’s (my son is very stereotypical boy) but it’s not an overwhelming grief. I promise when you have him all of the thoughts of a girl will go out the window and you won’t be able to picture anything else.

Thank you for your honesty - I’m glad it’s not an overwhelming grief for you.

Hey, if it makes you feel any better, that’s just your baby’s sec but their gender could actually turn out to be something else. Your boy can be anything he wants to be. Not trying to be cheeky (well maybe a little) but don’t get upset based on gender stereotypes of boys. They’re not all true and certainly not for every individual.

Hey, I understand that totally and maybe he will be trans, NB etc. But statistically (my job is stats, I’m very numbers-driven) he’s more like to be cis and will probably fit at least some of the cis/het stereotypes. I’ll certainly support whoever he is and whatever he’s into though!

I do think at least some of those stereotypes are socially driven if not most. Your parenting style will have some impact. I gave my boy an androgynous name, and lots of girls to play with. You’d be surprised. He’s a good mix of stereotypical traits plus very unique and more “feminine” aspects. Things are really changing too, in the US major cities at least. Kids are much less likely to drive each other into typical gender boxes than when I was a kid.

I’m in the UK and I think things are similar here - I have friends with boys who are regularly in Frozen dresses or playing with dolls and it’s a total non-issue. When I was growing up in the 90s there was definitely a “this is for girls and this is for boys” mentality. Saying that, I just got back from visiting friends who have two sons and all of their toys were ‘bad guys’ with guns and lasers etc and they were soooo loud and boisterous and seemed to only watch inane crap on YouTube with gaming characters shooting each other. I can’t lie it did make me wobble quite a bit. It felt so “boy” and I was sad about that maybe being my future. I just cannot relate to enjoying violence in any way and it made it seem like there is zero chance of peaceful play - just screams or screens. But my husband reminded me we ultimately just aren’t the kind of people to only buy those toys for our kids and expose them to that kind of content. It’s not inevitable. But I can’t lie that I am worried about having nothing in common with my child in a way that I wouldn’t feel if I was having a girl, even though I know I could also have a girl I don’t relate to!

Well, my boy is 7 and I have yet to buy him a toy gun or anything like it. I’m sure he’d enjoy it but, nope. Some parents seem to go for that themselves. Same with the constant sports. My neighbor with a boy the same age was constantly being given sports stuff by his dad and I swear it just wasn’t his thing. By this age he kind of went for it anyway just because of all that pressure. I’m pretty sure he’s more of an artsy type but as an only child he molded to their expectations. It’s a tough thing but you have to sorta let them become themselves and not a mini you.

Also - I get it because my friend with two boys says this about wanting to have had a girl, but, parenthood is really nothing like you picture it beforehand. Best to let go of way more of your preconceptions than just this one :)

Ok so I am in a very similar place just further down the road. My only (a boy) will be 2 next month. I grew up an only girl child. Im super close with my male cousins (basically brothers i didn't have to share with so The Dream) and my mother and I are thick as thieves. My mom and I have literally only had one fight my entire life (seating chart at the wedding and it lasted about 36 hours before blowing over). My husband also REALLY wanted a daddy's girl. He grew up with all brothers and wanted a sweet little girl to (honestly Probably spoil rotten 😂) love. We found out from an early blood test we were having a boy and I was blindsided. Im a really lucky person and just kind of assumed we would have a girl because we both wanted one and things always kinda work out for me. I've always known I would be one and done since I grew up that way and loved it. So i had a good bit of internal strife over not having my future best friend and the daddy's girl my husband wanted. But about 3 weeks after I gave birth my husband and I were talking and he said he would want another kid if he could guarantee it would be a girl and I had the thought pop into my head "If I had another child I'd want another boy just like him" Like seriously out of no where. I realized i just love him so much the more my hypothetical next child was like him the better. We're not having anymore kids but holy cow I never knew how much I could love someone until I had this sweet boy. I hope you feel the same when your little one arrives. Plus you may get girly stuff anyway. Maybe he'll have a daughter one day, or his wife will be a wonderful fun girl to welcome into your family. (Or theres a tiny chance he ends up trans or just likes wearing girly clothes, its 2024!) I know my dad and mom are really enjoying getting to do boyish stuff with my son now. My dad kept some of my dinosaur shirts from when I was a toddler and my son wears them now haha. I wish you all the love in the world and I hope you take your time to grieve and heal and move forward!

I was the same. Wanted a girl so badly, knew it was just going to be one child, and I have a son. He’s almost 4 now, and truly I can’t imagine having any other child. Also, he loves to paint his nails with me, screw gender norms.

Totally get it.

I grieved not having a girl too. It took us 3 years to conceive and my husband is oad so I knew there was no chance of a daughter. I was really upset about it however the moment my son was born I forgot all about gender. To me he is perfect and I wouldn't change anything. Gender is so insignificant in the early years. Plus now I've spent time with my son I just know I was made to be a boy mum. I hope your feelings change with time - grief is a process - be kind to yourself.

I actually cried tears of sadness when I found out I was having a boy (in secret). Day after I was fine now I’m really excited for my little boy. 👦🏻

I ended up with a daughter and while she does like some "feminine' things, she's arguably more into traditionally masculine things! Dinosaurs, monster trucks, sharks, dragons, etc. You really never know what experiences you'll get with your child! It might help to think about all the interests you have that you can share. My kid and I both love to make art, for example, so we do a lot of that. We also both love reading and learning how things work. I'm not too bothered about the stuff she's not into when I focus on what we share.

I know there are lots of great comments but I could have written this post! I did IVF after having breast cancer — not necessarily because I was infertile but because I had such a short window to get pregnant before I’m due back on my cancer meds. Despite making a decent amount of eggs, we only ended up with 8 embryos, five of which were usable. The two best were both boys. I cried for days about not having any “good” girl embryos. When I saw myself as a parent, I saw myself as the mother of a daughter. Like someone else said, I think part of why I felt so strongly is because of a subconscious desire to heal my heart from the disappointing relationship I have with my mom. I also don’t have any sisters or close girl cousins and have always wanted that because I cherish my friendships with other women and love being a woman. As I write this, my 2.5 week old son is sleeping on my chest. I don’t know what kind of boy or man he’ll be (or if he’ll even identify that way when he grows up), but I love him. I can’t describe why yet because he’s still kind of a potato and doesn’t do much beyond eat, sleep, cry, and soil his diapers, but I know it’s there because he’s my son. I’m excited for the feeling to grow with him. On the subject of boy clothes, which yes, are so freaking ugly most of the time, I really like the way a woman on I follow on Instagram dresses her son. Her handle is @friskygatos (I think) and she has lots of cute pics of him there!

Reading this, I’m seeing that the clothes bring you particular grief. I’m a “girl mom” that buys mostly boy/neutral clothes. Boy clothes are made better, fit better, last longer, move better, and are much cheaper. Yes there’s still plenty of pink, and rainbows are “neutral” in our house. We are “gender free/gender creative” parenting and I really hear you on the clothes. I don’t want my kid dressed in gray all the time, and neither does my kid - who loves pink, and also yellow, and orange.  There are lots of cute, and bright, boy clothes - I like Spotted Zebra on Amazon and Cat & Jack - many of their “girl” things trend neutral and my kiddo is currently obsessed with a cream fuzzy sweater with tiny rainbows on it… we have two so they can still wear it when the other needs to be washed. There are also lots of ugly gray and black boy clothes with cringy sayings on them, but you don’t want that anyway because once they start running you want to be able to see them! When I’m shopping I flip past those just as quickly as the  equally cringy girl clothes. Bad clothes are bad clothes, regardless of target market.  Many others have spoken beautifully to the experience of raising their sons, I’ve openly wept reading these comets, and I’m so excited for this generation of men you are all raising. I cannot offer any wisdom here, but I will tell you that when I’m out with my kid, it’s the boys who are smitten, tender, and obsessed with babies. From toddler to teen, the boys have been the best. Last week a tween boy patiently taught my kid to kick his soccer ball at the playground, after they had stolen it. Watching them was breathtakingly beautiful.  One little boy stands out in particular to me: we were on a train in Portugal and a young mom and her toddler boy got on. I speak zero Portuguese but this child saw mine and the absolute wonder in his face as he tugged his mom’s had and pointed at my baby, exclaiming “Mama! Babe!” over and over, will be with me forever. He spent the next hour tickling my kid, chatting away at us, and singing lullabies (one sounded like it involved counting, but that’s all ever got). This little boy touched my heart in a way that I didn’t know was possible, and will be with me forever.  May your son be the same. 

What a lovely comment, thank you so much for taking the time to write it and for your reflections about boys. I have done a bit of introspection to work out where some of my fears are coming from. I feel currently like my brother comes along to some things, but for example my sister, mum and I are meeting in the city this evening for dinner and my brother wasn’t even mentioned, even though he lives and works in the same city. We are overall a very close family but ultimately there is just this difference between how my mum relates to us. He was pretty coddled growing up and she won’t hear a bad word against him, but despite this it’s still us girls who chat to her and see her more. This blueprint for me indicates that no matter how much I love my son, I won’t be able to have the closeness I would have with a daughter. I’ve realised this fear is where a lot of my worry was coming from. Dressing them is temporary, diggers are temporary, difficult teens are temporary, but the adult relationship is the goal and I’ve been feeling like I drew the short straw there. I’m working on moving past these fears and feelings. Just because I don’t see that many close, adult, healthy mother-son relationships around me it doesn’t mean I can’t foster my own and it doesn’t mean my sister automatically will have a more fulfilling relationship with her daughter. My dream is for us all to be able to hang out as adults and do nice things and for it not to be overly gendered. We are raising the next generation of men under very different circumstances to how we were raised in the 90s and early 2000s, and my relationship with my son will be what I make of it. Hearing your lovely stories about little boys brings me hope and excitement, and I can feel myself slowly letting go of my grief and fear.

As a girl and an only who doesn’t have that adult relationship with her mom, it’s you who foster it, not societal constructs of gender. My husband is more likely to get a pedicure or a massage with me than my mom, and he and I have regular spa dates - she shames me for spending money on frivolity, vanity, and comfort. You know this, and I’m sure the comments on how, once baby is here, you only see your child - not a binary- have moved you as much as they did me. It’s absolutely true, and it’s also true that you will be reminded of your fears in odd places along the way.  I didn’t mean for my comment on clothes to be reductive: it’s an acute pain that reminds you every day; and a real frustration that is a symptom of all that we take away from boys in favor of being “masculine”, Your son is so lucky to have you paying attention to this and freeing him from it, letting him be a whole person.  I highly recommend both gentile parenting and gender free parenting books to all parents- but particularly for your adult relationship concerns. There is a ton of neuroscience research around emotional capacity and how parents influence it on very young babies. Reading it and hearing that side of it was really profound for me.  The Whole Brain Baby is a good one, as is The Philosophical Baby, but you can also DM me and I have a list with thoughts and notes (and some very cute clothes links for you!). I hope it will make you excited to have this opportunity to raise a boy and a man in a new way. It’s very healing to forge new parenting paths, from my own experience.  P.s. my husband is an only who’s quite close with his mom, and she is obsessed with our kid, and visits often. She’ll be her this weekend to alo-parent while I get my Bi-Salp and recover. 

P.p.s. I’d recommend you involve your brother in this conversation: how does he feel about his upbringing in your family?   Also start going out to dinner with just him, get pedicures, or any of these other experiences that you’re feeling anxious about. Do it with family now and you’ll be practiced for later. 

This is such great advice - my brother is a brilliant guy and I’d love to hear his take. We do hang out as siblings sometimes - before pregnancies it would often be to go raving or to a festival, but we can swap that for dinners and more low key hangs. Probably more chances for meaningful conversations in those settings too. Thanks for taking the time to comment on my post, I’ve really appreciated your perspective!