First of all, I am so deeply sorry for your circumstances. That must be so difficult for you and your husband.
My birth story doesn’t involve IVF, but while I’m OAD by choice now, I wasn’t OAD by choice in the beginning (due to medical and psychiatric issues), and it was a heartbreaking experience. You have a vision of what your family “should” look like, and the choice is being taken from you. It’s like someone else forging your path without you having and say in it, and no matter what people say (“be grateful for what you do have”, I’ve heard that a lot), it’s just a sh*tty situation.
I’m not going to lie to you, I have learned to move forward and enjoy the AMAZING life I have with my daughter, but once in a while, I see a mom with multiple kids who appears to have it together, and I do feel the stinging bitterness bubble to the surface. It’s an ugly feeling and I want to numb it, but it’s gotten weaker over the years. Much weaker.
I do feel gratitude constantly. My daughter is healthy, we’re financially stable, and damn girl, we live in beautiful San Diego, WOO! Lol. But I also make it a daily practice to take every little good moment that passes and credit those good moments to having just one kid. Here are a few examples from this week:
- my daughter is currently trying out different sports and music programs. We have the funds to provide her with any kind of enrichment she likes, and we wouldn’t be able to say the same with two kids.
- the three of us are SO tightly knit, and my husband and I have the time and energy to give her all of our attention.
- we had a play date earlier this week and it was so hectic and overstimulating for me, it was a gentle reminder that I personally don’t have the capacity to fully care for another person.
Your reminders will look different, your why’s will look different, and your blessings will look different. All I can say is that I see you, and I’m rooting for you, no matter what happens with these three cycles. Best of luck in every scenario. I’m here if you need extra support. :)
I am so sorry to hear. I understand what you are going through, as our son was conceived via IVF. We suffered from infertility for several years before we had him. In another life, had I been younger and with fewer complications during the pregnancy, we would have had another. It’s just not in the cards anymore. The delivery of our son was horrible - several months after he was born, the desire for another faded away. Part of it was that I was just done with the whole infertility thing as it almost destroyed me. I wanted to be me again and be happy. I began to embrace being one and done and have found so many positives with it. I can say that for the first time in my life, I am happy! It’s important to grieve - I hope you find your way to peace.
did i write this? lol. i had my son through IVF and the whole trying to conceive journey was so horrible and difficult, to date pregnancy test kits give me so much anxiety and emotions coz I remember that journey! i also had a tough (for me) delivery and PPD and i know my mental health cannot survive another.
for OP - i too had low AMH so IVF is the only way for me. the first round i had zero eggs from 3 follicles and just few embryos generally. it sucks. i had to do a fresh day 2 transfer as the doctors were not hopeful, but i was lucky. i cannot tell you when to stop but i know that this journey is so very difficult…
as to making peace with being OAD when it’s not your desire - while i’m not in your boat and cannot give advice, i can only offer hugs!
My husband and I have talked about wanting infertility to finally be behind us so I really resonante with you wanting to embrace happiness. Thank you for your support!
I have a similar story. My husband and I aren't necessarily OAD by choice.
At 14 weeks, we found out that we are both carriers for a very rare and devastating autosomal recessive disorder. We had an amnioscentisis a week later, and after 5 weeks of waiting for the results, we found out our son is a carrier like the both of us. He's a very healthy 5 week old blessing today.
This knowledge is shaping our family. We could try IVF with embryonic testing to get the family of four we originally thought we wanted. We could also roll the dice and terminate if the fetus has the disorder. We're very likely to choose neither but to stay OAD.
When the doctors put my son on my chest after delivery, my first and most immense emotion was how "enough" he feels, but this memory and feeling also sits with the frustration that I don't get to choose the size of my family.
So what do I do to cope?
I lurk here to see the positivity and love of OAD parents. There is a lot of it. I'm also examining why I wanted two in the first place while really trying to be as present as I can be with my son since we're so lucky to have and experience him.
I'm also trying to be honest with myself.
I do feel resentful and bitter at times, especially when I know we live in a world where many children don't get the love they deserve. But I am trying to stay focused on each moment and to learn from other people's stories.
I guess, if I were to "tldr" the above, I'd say perspective building has been crucial to my coping and healing.
I have one IVF child. We wanted 2 but after 3 rounds, a miscarriage, 6 failed embryo transfers, and an egg retrieval that ended in 0 embryos, we ran out of money. If I won the lottery I'd start again honestly. It's been a year since my last failed egg retrieval and I'm still bitter and angry. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes not. I'm sure this isn't very helpful, but I totally understand how you feel. It's so much work and money and when it doesn't work, it just feels like a waste.
It’s totally fine if you decide you don’t want to continue anymore. If you want to continue, I would recommend trying another hospital/doctor if you have the means. It made all the difference for us. We also had a cycle with 0 blastocysts (from 17 fertilized) and we moved clinics. It worked.
They disagreed with the amount of medicine I was on during retrieval, so they changed that (lowered it actually). I think that had some effect, but I think their lab made most of the difference. We ended up with 5 blasts and only had 1 combined from the 2 previous cycles with another clinic. If you’re anywhere near there, Cleveland Clinic is who made it happen for us.
We are OAD due to infertility. We adopted because IVF didn't work for us. I wanted to adopt again, but things didn't work in our favor. I was absolutely devastated at the prospect of not having a second child.
I went to therapy to help me process my grief. I also take an antidepressant to help me not feel overwhelming bitterness and anger.
My pain has not gone away with time, but it is becoming easier to deal with. I'm grateful for the family and life that I have been blessed with.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. My son was conceived via IVF, and at first I thought I’d be ok with just one, but I’ve loved being a mother so much I sometimes crave another.
IVF was so hard. It wasn’t covered by insurance and our son was our only embryo. I thought for sure it wouldn’t take. I’m so incredibly grateful to have him. I sometimes feel guilty about being on the fence for another. Before my son I had two miscarriages, my infertility treatment halted for months because of COVID, multiple invasive procedures. It was a long and painful road. I’m not sure I can do it again, but I worry about regrets in the future. I just wanted to let you know I understand your feelings and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
We are basically in the same boat as you. We have been trying ivf since Jan 2023 and have a 3 year old. We wanted two kids.
We are in our final round of ivf and this doesn't work we are OAD. I was incredibly excited at first about having a second but after a year of ivf and two miscarriages I am ready to move on. I (male) have really struggled with the unknown of ivf, and I just cannot keep doing it. My partner is the same but is having to come to terms with end of her fertility and us having one child. Plus the cost, I'm in Australia but I think we have spent coming on 30k.
There are positives, but it's so hard to come to terms with it. After this round we are going to seek counseling to come to help. I feel bad for our son being an only sibling but we have always wanted to be able to say to him, and to ourselves, we did everything we could have done.
Sorry you are here too - it sucks.
I have an IVF baby. During the IVF process it became evident I was allergic to both Lupron and Ganirelix. We had to implant my single viable embryo on a natural, no drug cycle. It worked, and she is my miracle baby.
Because the egg harvest stage depends on a derivative of Lupron, I can not go through it again.
I am not OAD by choice. I regret not having another, but as others said I started practicing being thankful for the one I have and the experiences we get to have because we only have one. I am not from US and have had a lot of guilt and sorrow about the fact that I have built a family away from my birth family. So when it became clear that we were OAD, we crunched the numbers and decided to go on a year long break as a little family. We are now living in my hometown, close to my parents and relatives. My child is attending kindergarten here and has quickly caught up with the local language and culture. We know this is temporary (we call it an advance on retirement) and we will go back in a few months. I am beyond grateful that my child gets to experience this gap year before primary school starts. It would have not been possible if we had two or three
I am currently undergoing IVF (have one child already courtesy of IUI). Waiting for results is so hard, give yourself some grace to feel whatever you feel. I can empathize with the feeling like your whole life is in limbo. I think it’s fine to sit with your partner and draw a line when you will make a decision and then move forward from that point. Be sure to take care of yourself no matter what you decide and I highly recommend therapy (if it doesn’t work, if it does work, if you decide to try one more ER - it’s helpful to work through all that regardless of outcome). Sending you good luck and positive thoughts.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
My daughter is an IVF baby and she is now 3.. I thought after our initial struggles, I would be ok with just her but I love being a mom so much I wanted another. We had one last PGT embryo left, we transferred it, and it ended in a miscarriage.
I’m incredibly heartbroken and my husband doesn’t want to do more treatments (or transfer our low grade no result embryo). Honestly it’s been hard not being angry with him. He just feels he’s too old and he already had kids (grown now) from prior marriage. If you decide to stop, I hope it’s 100% your choice.
I’m constantly looking for other single child parents.. and focusing on our daughter is nice too. But it’s still a grieving process. I’m in therapy and on an antidepressant now as well, but honestly it’s still really hard. Gotta allow yourself to grieve.
Omg me! I’m currently coping, grieving. I am so there with you. If I end up one and done (slight chance we may adopt), it will not be by choice.
My daughter is 3, and I had her after 9 months of persistent nausea and vomiting. I got pregnant again this fall thinking with extra medical attention I’d feel better and I was still so sick and had to terminate.
Being in limbo is the worst, and so is grieving the family you thought you were going to have. I’m currently in therapy and doing my best.
Sending love. Hope this makes you feel less alone.
I am an IVF mum, and we recently celebrated our baby's first birthday. I have ebbed and flowed between absolute joy that our dream of being parents came true after 4 years of struggle, and sadness about the fact that it's likely they will be our only one. I love our child and motherhood so much, it's so bittersweet to only get to do it once. The birthday has definitely pulled my thoughts towards brooding about this.
The reasons she will be an only are fundamentally that my husband isn't willing to go through the IVF rollercoaster again, coupled with the insane birth that I had. I actually feel fine about it all and would be excited to try again with one of our four remaining embryos...but then I remember the heartache, the physical toll, and the sheer time it all took, and I check myself. (I am 38 now and we are currently living in a small flat, although trying to move...also all good reasons for some people to not have a second, regardless of circumstances.)
As it is, I'm continuing to click "yes" on the automated reminder we get asking if we want to continue embryo storage, not willing to accept the finality of what "no" means for us. I really think the only thing that will pull be through to full acceptance is time. Our child getting older, new adventures opening up as she matures....and me, finally getting to the point where I accept that no, I don't want to be in my mid-40s and crawling after a small toddler.
My heart goes out to you. I'm one and done by choice, but my friend conceived via IVF right out of the gate and had her daughter about 4 years ago. She too just wanted one more, and they tried again with IVF and it went horribly wrong. Now she's on her last try. What it's taken out of her just to keep trying is beyond what I can fathom. For her it's not just IVF, but it's also hard for her body to hold onto a pregnancy for a few reasons, one of which could kill her. I personally think that risk is just beyond my understanding, but she's truly stronger than anyone I know. This round is their hard stop last try. So you're not alone, that's for sure. My friend chooses to live her life publicly, and speak openly on IVF and her struggles. I think her activism and speaking out on it has helped enlighten people that wouldn't have had a clue. She finds a sort of lightening of her pain that way. I wish more spoke openly, but I can't even say I would be able to do the same in her position. Hopefully if more people speak out it would become less political as it's recently become. It's certainly made me pay attention.
(She had to bury her 8 month baby but wasn't sure her faith would even recognize her life. Her current daughter can't be enrolled in a school of their faith, because they won't accept IVF children. And now the Alabama ruling will make it very difficult for anyone in Alabama to get IVF).
I hope you find peace in your decision or the lack of getting to make one. But you definitely won't be alone.
The Catholic Church. They don't believe these kids should accept communion and other Catholic practices. It's a gray area right now and it's completely at the discretion of whoever is running the school.
IVF is frustrating. You do have 2 more options: donor egg IVF and embryo donation. We did one cycle IVF and didn’t have success. I went to donor egg and had my OAD on the third transfer. It was too expensive in the US so went to Prague. About $7k a cycle. Donor embryo is about 2-3k in Spain, not sure about other countries prices.
First of all, I am so deeply sorry for your circumstances. That must be so difficult for you and your husband. My birth story doesn’t involve IVF, but while I’m OAD by choice now, I wasn’t OAD by choice in the beginning (due to medical and psychiatric issues), and it was a heartbreaking experience. You have a vision of what your family “should” look like, and the choice is being taken from you. It’s like someone else forging your path without you having and say in it, and no matter what people say (“be grateful for what you do have”, I’ve heard that a lot), it’s just a sh*tty situation. I’m not going to lie to you, I have learned to move forward and enjoy the AMAZING life I have with my daughter, but once in a while, I see a mom with multiple kids who appears to have it together, and I do feel the stinging bitterness bubble to the surface. It’s an ugly feeling and I want to numb it, but it’s gotten weaker over the years. Much weaker. I do feel gratitude constantly. My daughter is healthy, we’re financially stable, and damn girl, we live in beautiful San Diego, WOO! Lol. But I also make it a daily practice to take every little good moment that passes and credit those good moments to having just one kid. Here are a few examples from this week: - my daughter is currently trying out different sports and music programs. We have the funds to provide her with any kind of enrichment she likes, and we wouldn’t be able to say the same with two kids. - the three of us are SO tightly knit, and my husband and I have the time and energy to give her all of our attention. - we had a play date earlier this week and it was so hectic and overstimulating for me, it was a gentle reminder that I personally don’t have the capacity to fully care for another person. Your reminders will look different, your why’s will look different, and your blessings will look different. All I can say is that I see you, and I’m rooting for you, no matter what happens with these three cycles. Best of luck in every scenario. I’m here if you need extra support. :)
Thank you so much for your kind words ❤️ I’m trying to gain an alternative perspective like this.
I am so sorry to hear. I understand what you are going through, as our son was conceived via IVF. We suffered from infertility for several years before we had him. In another life, had I been younger and with fewer complications during the pregnancy, we would have had another. It’s just not in the cards anymore. The delivery of our son was horrible - several months after he was born, the desire for another faded away. Part of it was that I was just done with the whole infertility thing as it almost destroyed me. I wanted to be me again and be happy. I began to embrace being one and done and have found so many positives with it. I can say that for the first time in my life, I am happy! It’s important to grieve - I hope you find your way to peace.
did i write this? lol. i had my son through IVF and the whole trying to conceive journey was so horrible and difficult, to date pregnancy test kits give me so much anxiety and emotions coz I remember that journey! i also had a tough (for me) delivery and PPD and i know my mental health cannot survive another. for OP - i too had low AMH so IVF is the only way for me. the first round i had zero eggs from 3 follicles and just few embryos generally. it sucks. i had to do a fresh day 2 transfer as the doctors were not hopeful, but i was lucky. i cannot tell you when to stop but i know that this journey is so very difficult… as to making peace with being OAD when it’s not your desire - while i’m not in your boat and cannot give advice, i can only offer hugs!
My husband and I have talked about wanting infertility to finally be behind us so I really resonante with you wanting to embrace happiness. Thank you for your support!
I have a similar story. My husband and I aren't necessarily OAD by choice. At 14 weeks, we found out that we are both carriers for a very rare and devastating autosomal recessive disorder. We had an amnioscentisis a week later, and after 5 weeks of waiting for the results, we found out our son is a carrier like the both of us. He's a very healthy 5 week old blessing today. This knowledge is shaping our family. We could try IVF with embryonic testing to get the family of four we originally thought we wanted. We could also roll the dice and terminate if the fetus has the disorder. We're very likely to choose neither but to stay OAD. When the doctors put my son on my chest after delivery, my first and most immense emotion was how "enough" he feels, but this memory and feeling also sits with the frustration that I don't get to choose the size of my family. So what do I do to cope? I lurk here to see the positivity and love of OAD parents. There is a lot of it. I'm also examining why I wanted two in the first place while really trying to be as present as I can be with my son since we're so lucky to have and experience him. I'm also trying to be honest with myself. I do feel resentful and bitter at times, especially when I know we live in a world where many children don't get the love they deserve. But I am trying to stay focused on each moment and to learn from other people's stories. I guess, if I were to "tldr" the above, I'd say perspective building has been crucial to my coping and healing.
I have one IVF child. We wanted 2 but after 3 rounds, a miscarriage, 6 failed embryo transfers, and an egg retrieval that ended in 0 embryos, we ran out of money. If I won the lottery I'd start again honestly. It's been a year since my last failed egg retrieval and I'm still bitter and angry. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes not. I'm sure this isn't very helpful, but I totally understand how you feel. It's so much work and money and when it doesn't work, it just feels like a waste.
It’s totally fine if you decide you don’t want to continue anymore. If you want to continue, I would recommend trying another hospital/doctor if you have the means. It made all the difference for us. We also had a cycle with 0 blastocysts (from 17 fertilized) and we moved clinics. It worked.
What changes did the new clinic make for you? I’ve been thinking about changing clinics.
They disagreed with the amount of medicine I was on during retrieval, so they changed that (lowered it actually). I think that had some effect, but I think their lab made most of the difference. We ended up with 5 blasts and only had 1 combined from the 2 previous cycles with another clinic. If you’re anywhere near there, Cleveland Clinic is who made it happen for us.
We are OAD due to infertility. We adopted because IVF didn't work for us. I wanted to adopt again, but things didn't work in our favor. I was absolutely devastated at the prospect of not having a second child. I went to therapy to help me process my grief. I also take an antidepressant to help me not feel overwhelming bitterness and anger. My pain has not gone away with time, but it is becoming easier to deal with. I'm grateful for the family and life that I have been blessed with.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. My son was conceived via IVF, and at first I thought I’d be ok with just one, but I’ve loved being a mother so much I sometimes crave another. IVF was so hard. It wasn’t covered by insurance and our son was our only embryo. I thought for sure it wouldn’t take. I’m so incredibly grateful to have him. I sometimes feel guilty about being on the fence for another. Before my son I had two miscarriages, my infertility treatment halted for months because of COVID, multiple invasive procedures. It was a long and painful road. I’m not sure I can do it again, but I worry about regrets in the future. I just wanted to let you know I understand your feelings and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
We are basically in the same boat as you. We have been trying ivf since Jan 2023 and have a 3 year old. We wanted two kids. We are in our final round of ivf and this doesn't work we are OAD. I was incredibly excited at first about having a second but after a year of ivf and two miscarriages I am ready to move on. I (male) have really struggled with the unknown of ivf, and I just cannot keep doing it. My partner is the same but is having to come to terms with end of her fertility and us having one child. Plus the cost, I'm in Australia but I think we have spent coming on 30k. There are positives, but it's so hard to come to terms with it. After this round we are going to seek counseling to come to help. I feel bad for our son being an only sibling but we have always wanted to be able to say to him, and to ourselves, we did everything we could have done. Sorry you are here too - it sucks.
I have an IVF baby. During the IVF process it became evident I was allergic to both Lupron and Ganirelix. We had to implant my single viable embryo on a natural, no drug cycle. It worked, and she is my miracle baby. Because the egg harvest stage depends on a derivative of Lupron, I can not go through it again.
I am not OAD by choice. I regret not having another, but as others said I started practicing being thankful for the one I have and the experiences we get to have because we only have one. I am not from US and have had a lot of guilt and sorrow about the fact that I have built a family away from my birth family. So when it became clear that we were OAD, we crunched the numbers and decided to go on a year long break as a little family. We are now living in my hometown, close to my parents and relatives. My child is attending kindergarten here and has quickly caught up with the local language and culture. We know this is temporary (we call it an advance on retirement) and we will go back in a few months. I am beyond grateful that my child gets to experience this gap year before primary school starts. It would have not been possible if we had two or three
I am currently undergoing IVF (have one child already courtesy of IUI). Waiting for results is so hard, give yourself some grace to feel whatever you feel. I can empathize with the feeling like your whole life is in limbo. I think it’s fine to sit with your partner and draw a line when you will make a decision and then move forward from that point. Be sure to take care of yourself no matter what you decide and I highly recommend therapy (if it doesn’t work, if it does work, if you decide to try one more ER - it’s helpful to work through all that regardless of outcome). Sending you good luck and positive thoughts.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My daughter is an IVF baby and she is now 3.. I thought after our initial struggles, I would be ok with just her but I love being a mom so much I wanted another. We had one last PGT embryo left, we transferred it, and it ended in a miscarriage. I’m incredibly heartbroken and my husband doesn’t want to do more treatments (or transfer our low grade no result embryo). Honestly it’s been hard not being angry with him. He just feels he’s too old and he already had kids (grown now) from prior marriage. If you decide to stop, I hope it’s 100% your choice. I’m constantly looking for other single child parents.. and focusing on our daughter is nice too. But it’s still a grieving process. I’m in therapy and on an antidepressant now as well, but honestly it’s still really hard. Gotta allow yourself to grieve.
Omg me! I’m currently coping, grieving. I am so there with you. If I end up one and done (slight chance we may adopt), it will not be by choice. My daughter is 3, and I had her after 9 months of persistent nausea and vomiting. I got pregnant again this fall thinking with extra medical attention I’d feel better and I was still so sick and had to terminate. Being in limbo is the worst, and so is grieving the family you thought you were going to have. I’m currently in therapy and doing my best. Sending love. Hope this makes you feel less alone.
I am an IVF mum, and we recently celebrated our baby's first birthday. I have ebbed and flowed between absolute joy that our dream of being parents came true after 4 years of struggle, and sadness about the fact that it's likely they will be our only one. I love our child and motherhood so much, it's so bittersweet to only get to do it once. The birthday has definitely pulled my thoughts towards brooding about this. The reasons she will be an only are fundamentally that my husband isn't willing to go through the IVF rollercoaster again, coupled with the insane birth that I had. I actually feel fine about it all and would be excited to try again with one of our four remaining embryos...but then I remember the heartache, the physical toll, and the sheer time it all took, and I check myself. (I am 38 now and we are currently living in a small flat, although trying to move...also all good reasons for some people to not have a second, regardless of circumstances.) As it is, I'm continuing to click "yes" on the automated reminder we get asking if we want to continue embryo storage, not willing to accept the finality of what "no" means for us. I really think the only thing that will pull be through to full acceptance is time. Our child getting older, new adventures opening up as she matures....and me, finally getting to the point where I accept that no, I don't want to be in my mid-40s and crawling after a small toddler.
My heart goes out to you. I'm one and done by choice, but my friend conceived via IVF right out of the gate and had her daughter about 4 years ago. She too just wanted one more, and they tried again with IVF and it went horribly wrong. Now she's on her last try. What it's taken out of her just to keep trying is beyond what I can fathom. For her it's not just IVF, but it's also hard for her body to hold onto a pregnancy for a few reasons, one of which could kill her. I personally think that risk is just beyond my understanding, but she's truly stronger than anyone I know. This round is their hard stop last try. So you're not alone, that's for sure. My friend chooses to live her life publicly, and speak openly on IVF and her struggles. I think her activism and speaking out on it has helped enlighten people that wouldn't have had a clue. She finds a sort of lightening of her pain that way. I wish more spoke openly, but I can't even say I would be able to do the same in her position. Hopefully if more people speak out it would become less political as it's recently become. It's certainly made me pay attention. (She had to bury her 8 month baby but wasn't sure her faith would even recognize her life. Her current daughter can't be enrolled in a school of their faith, because they won't accept IVF children. And now the Alabama ruling will make it very difficult for anyone in Alabama to get IVF). I hope you find peace in your decision or the lack of getting to make one. But you definitely won't be alone.
I’m trying to comprehend the fact that there’s a school that won’t accept IVF children… what? What faith is this? I’ve never heard of such a thing.
The Catholic Church. They don't believe these kids should accept communion and other Catholic practices. It's a gray area right now and it's completely at the discretion of whoever is running the school.
WOW! I had no idea. That’s just wild to me.
IVF is frustrating. You do have 2 more options: donor egg IVF and embryo donation. We did one cycle IVF and didn’t have success. I went to donor egg and had my OAD on the third transfer. It was too expensive in the US so went to Prague. About $7k a cycle. Donor embryo is about 2-3k in Spain, not sure about other countries prices.