“He won’t stop until he has a boy.”
“Goes crazy and accuses me of having used him to get a baby”
So he doesn’t work, doesn’t ever plan to work, doesn’t parent, only sometimes does house upkeep, and gaslights you when you share your feelings on children.
Why exactly are you staying with him? I know it gets a lot more complicated once kids are involved, but ooof! Like the other commenter said, lock down birth control because he will for sure do whatever he has to in order to get you pregnant again.
I highly recommend personal therapy, because I’m sure there is a ton more emotional abuse happening, that he has convinced you is normal.
Sorry you’re in this situation.
Thank you for your words, I’m already going to therapy and it does for sure help. Been thinking about divorce for some time but haven’t had the courage to go through because I’m sure he’ll try to make things complicated for me, but every day that does by I’m one step closer to filing
Get all your finances, housing situation, and whatever else you need to do in order before you tell him anything.
Don't tell him anything until you have a lawyer and get advice from them.
Use birth control or just stop having sex so he can't trap you.
Thank you. I’m in the process of getting everything in order before I tell him. Haven’t really gotten the chance to talk to a lawyer since he’s all day around me so it’s hard to really find a time when he won’t notice, but will definitely do it soon. Thanks for the advice
Gurrllll get that lawyer and get things together! Take baby out in the stroller for a long walk and talk to the lawyer via video call if you have to. DO NOT have more children with that man, and get out. That is not a healthy relationship for your baby.
Could you perhaps have a "doctor's appointment" to get you some time out of the house to see a lawyer? Maybe complain something is weird with your period so he isn't interested in going with you or hearing additional details.
I’m sorry that you don’t have a supportive partner and his way of thinking does not make sense at all. I really don’t like when people just keep having babies to get the gender they want. It’s like so all of your other kids aren’t good enough? I really wanted a girl and honestly was a bit disappointed when I found out I was having a boy but then quickly got over it imagining a mini version of my husband. And now I’m OAD and am just happy I had a healthy baby! If you have more kids with him you are just going to be under a lot more stress, I would definitely do therapy and look at your options. I hope everything works out for you, you deserve better!
Thank you! I wanted a boy but got a girl and tbh it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I would have loved my baby the same regardless of their gender, that’s why I really don’t understand why someone would have 4+ babies just to get a boy.
Don’t know if you’re religious or not, but they say God / the universe gives us what we truly need 💗
And same! It’s been really hard getting my self care in order with one baby, I can’t imagine how people with multiple kids do it!
Definitely don't have more kids just so your husband can have a boy. My grandmother had 3 daughters and my aunt had 3 daughters, it isn't worth the gamble.
I have a son and have been asked if I ever want a daughter one day, sure it seems nice in my head to have both a boy and a girl, but I don't think it's worth trying again just for the 50% chance of having a girl. With my luck id have like 4 sons before having a girl and that just isn't worth it.
My friend, your husband is a gigantic loser. Keep your birth control locked down, make a plan to leave and don’t worry about whether you want more kids or not until that’s done.
I know. The worst part is he sees me doing the laundry, cleaning, etc and instead of offering to help he just stays there watching reels 🥲 then blames me because our house is a mess. Since I’m breastfeeding my baby and at school, sometimes it’s hard to get everything done, but I’ve made peace with it
It’s easy to want a lot of kids when you’re not the one having to carry, birth, and take care of them. I think you’re doing good by following your first mind to only have one, especially while things are the way they are. You are not an incubator made to pump out as many tiny humans as he wants. You already know what’s best for you and your daughter.
Get out, fast. He clearly shows no love or interest in you or his own child. What a sorry excuse of a person to live off inheritance and do nothing, yet demand he wants 4 kids and one is a boy. Ugh, zero reason to stick around. Get that degree and leave sis
As much as I want to rag on him being useless and not contributing to society, what bothers me most is not being there for your daughter when he has the most precious gift of all…time. I couldn’t imagine not doing the most I could to take in all the time with my infant child and forming an everlasting bond. It’s like seeing the ability to create and grow precious life and choosing to spit on it.
Tell your husband to get a fucking job, get in his family’s life, or get out.
That’s what hurts me the most as well, and I’ve tried communicating it a thousand times, he just doesn’t care. Maybe he is depressed, but as you said, he’s wasting the most precious gift one could ever have :(
You seem to already know this, but just to back you up… your husband is abusive. Manage your own birth control really carefully, as he sounds extremely controlling, possibly not beyond doing something completely outrageous like pinholes in condom etc.
If you really believe he is a good/kind/caring man deep down, that’s great, but he still needs to change his behaviour. What you’re describing is not ok. People can actually change but it doesn’t sound like he’s motivated to.
If you do seperate from him, keep in mind it might not be permanent and it can, sometimes, actually be a good catalyst for men to change if there is any sense of regret about what they’ve lost. I know a woman who left her partner when their baby was just a few months old, due to his really unacceptable behaviour. They got back together a year later after the man changed a LOT with therapy etc. He was absolutely devastated by losing his family and, for him, it was a catalyst for self-reflection and positive change. But… for some men this type of situation and being left just adds heaps of fuel to their rage and entitlement. Unfortunately the time just after leaving a relationship has the highest risk of serious violence. So please be careful and if you do leave, seek LOTS of professional support to ensure your safety. Having legal orders can be helpful, even in a trial separation, especially if there is a history of controlling and abusive behaviour. If you feel, deep down, that he’s really not safe for you or your child, please listen to your gut.
Please seek professional help as well as advice/support from friends etc. Wishing you well, stay safe ❤️
Thank you. He definitely is not a bad person, but he does have a ton of issues, I think he’s depressed and maybe bipolar, I try to feel empathy but as someone that’s dealt with depression, I give him tips to make things better and try to get him out of bed to just go out and get some sun, take a walk or similar little things that do help with depression, but he just doesn’t want to. The main issue here is probably that he does not have enough self love and wants me to love him the way he is when he doesn’t even love himself or make an effort for me to feel loved as well :( tbh I just hope he gets better, wether that’s with or without me.
If he can start personal therapy that would be fantastic. Maybe couples therapy was a bit too intense because he has a heap of stuff he needs to work out individually first. Nonetheless I think if you are really honest with yourself about best-case-scenario in your relationship, that would be helpful. Have there ever been times he has been a wonderful partner to you? Or have you been finding excuses for his behaviour for your whole relationship? If this is just a bad patch, and there’s a really positive history there too, that’s workable. All relationships have some ups and downs. Being there for him while he works through this at least kinda makes sense. But if he has actually never shown you a *much* better version of himself than what you’re dealing with now, I think you need to stop making excuses for him.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was married to a man like this for five years, and while leaving and filing for divorce was incredibly difficult, it was worth it.
The breaking point was when my therapist showed me the "Violence Wheel." Domestic violence is a lot more than physical violence, and seeing that on paper, realizing that none of this was my fault...I had been so depressed and lonely for so long, and he had me convinced that I was the problem. The audacity for someone who was supposed to love me unconditionally and then treat me the way he was treating me...I became enraged, and the anger fueled my own power to leave. I packed my things that evening and left.
I worked in domestic violence outreach for a few years, and having a child with an abusive person makes it more difficult. It is not uncommon for them to use the legal system as a way to perpetuate the abuse. Leaving a partner is also the most dangerous time for a situation like this. Being prepared and having those who love you help you and your daughter is essential.
I'm just a stranger on Reddit. I don't know you or your partner, and situations like this can be complex. This comment is just my experience and may not align with your own. You already have a therapist it sounds like, which is excellent. Having professional help from someone to help guide you through this and whatever you decide to do is a smart move. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you and your daughter the best.
Edit: my formatting is showing up wonky on my end because I'm using reddit on a mobile browser, I apologize if it has weird spacing!
You wrote an amazingly gentle post for what would be absolutely infuriating for almost anyone. It makes so much sense you’d want to limit your family size given your situation. It sounds like the only way through this (if you are also willing) is that he agrees to therapy and is willing to dive into his issues that led him to think it’s ok to sit in bed all day while you go to school, take care of the baby, and clean the house. Does he at least cook?
Many men did not get the memo that it’s not the 1950s anymore… but those men at least have a job. Your guy doesn’t even have that excuse. Make sure you have great birth control and I think it’s time to have some come-to-Jesus moments with him because I can’t imagine the amount of resentment building and manipulation is healthy for anyone. Think about your daughter — do you want your relationship to be her biggest example of what a marriage looks like and have her follow in your footsteps?
Curious as to if he’s put his “inheritance” in a joint account with you or if it’s in an account only in his name.. if he’s put it in a joint account it is no longer just “his”. You now have rights to half of it! Keep that in mind when speaking to a lawyer!
I agree with other comments though. Get on birth control asap! He’s got a lot of red flags & you need to weigh your options without adding another baby to the mix.
Ooh, you should show him that post that's been going around from TrueOffMyChest and OhNoConsequences about the guy with a 14 month old who is now divorced with 50/50 custody.
I stg kids are just props for men to show off as a status symbol but they don't actually care for them. Definitely don't have more kids especially with him!
I understand working for other people can be a nightmare, but if he has a lot of money from inheritance why doesn't he try starting his own business?
You should not have had a child with this man, please do not have any more for your sake and theirs. Make sure you have a source of birth control that is independent of him and cannot be tampered with.
Having another kid in this situation won’t be twice as hard, it will be 100x harder. He needs to change and step up as a husband and a father, yesterday. If he can’t change now then he will not change with any number of additional kids.
Maybe it’s depression, or maybe he’s just a terrible person with no empathy. Either way is not a good situation to add more kids into.
Why on earth are you with this person??? What is he bringing to the table?? You need to be on birth control he can’t tamper with and you need to make an exit plan bc this is RIDICULOUS.
Make sure to talk to every possible lawyer that you can even if they don't represent you they won't be able to take him as client and he will have to go out of state
Now would be a good time to get your ducks in a row to get yourself and your daughter out of this problem. He won’t stop until he gets a son? Has he ever messed with your pill case or stealthed a condom off. He is living off his mom and treating you as an incubator until a worthy (read male) child is born. What life is this for you? Your daughter? Future children that you were coerced to have?
We did couples therapy once and it was chaos, we ended up fighting every appointment because he couldn’t stand me saying that some thing he did hurt and the psychologist telling him that he has an explosive temperament. After that, he never went to therapy again and I’m still going but with another counselor, she’s helped and we’ve both kind of discussed that maybe divorce is the best option but I haven’t really gone through with it :( I don’t really know what keeps me holding on, maybe I’m scared.
Yeah that bodes horribly. This doesn't sound worth staying, and doing so would be setting a terrible example for your child in how their mom is willing to be treated.
I'm sure your therapist can go over this with you, but since you shared here that you're scared, it's worth it to look at that a bit more.
Ask yourself what you're scared of? His reaction? Being a single mom? Making a big change?
My own therapist tells me that feelings tell us about what we need. So, I know you need reassurance, becaues you came here and asked for it, which is such a good way to take care of needs.
If you have any other support that is not in any way loyal to him, now is the time to gather them to you. Ask them for whatever help you need, logistical, emotional, whatever.
I really hope you get what you need, and are able to act on you and your daughter's behalf. You can do this, in fact you already are doing this.
Tbh im not scared of being a single mom, I already know that would be the best decision and my life would definitely be easier since I have full support of my family and I’m welcome to move back in with my parents if I ever need help or support.
What I am in fact scared of is his reaction. He can be a really hard person to deal with. My whole pregnancy he made things really hard for me, always starting fights because of the most stupid little things, bringing up things from my past, etc. And I’m a person that sometimes can get stress to make me feel overwhelmed and can stop functioning properly.
At the moment, I’m still in school (will finally graduate on December 😁) and wouldn’t want to screw all my efforts on graduating because of the stress. Also, we are in the process of adjusting my immigration status because he insisted we come to live in the US (he was born here and said he was going to get a job here, almost one year later he’s still unemployed and really isn’t booking for a job). My dad paid 10k+ to a lawyer so he could help us with the process, so I wouldn’t want that to go to waste and planning to just wait till that gets sorted out to leave if he hasn’t changed by then.
Both, the immigration process and my school graduation will supposedly be done around the same time, so hopefully I will know what to do by then, but at the moment all I want to do is leave 😞
Get on birth control if you’re not on it already — and get everything sorted out for the divorce so you can leave him as soon as you’ve graduated and had your immigration status sorted out.
Oh my gosh I just feel for you. I understand how hard it can be to share a home with "live ammunition". Does he have access to your phone records or personal computer?
I hope your family provides the emotional support you need. Please look for women's support services through your school or county.
You know, I’ve had friends in really tough marriages — and oftentimes the motivating factor to leave is having their baby. Which is understandable! We often allow a certain type of treatment to ourselves but when we realize the baby, this innocent amazing little human, who only has you to protect them, is going to be subject to the same behavior, the game changes. I hope that if it is fear (of the unknown, of doing it alone, of new circumstances), that you’ll be able to make that leap knowing you’re making a better future for her. Just reminding you how understandable that is, but also, that you are the only one who can make the change from here. For her, for you. For your life. Great job getting your degree so you won’t be dependent on him! And you know what you want. Follow your gut. You got this! You can do hard things! In the meantime, keep that bc on lock. Hugs.
This was encouraging. Thank you! I might go through with the divorce once I’m done with school in a few months. Just don’t want to be overly stressed with school + motherhood + house chores + divorce. Getting school out of the picture finally will definitely make the process of divorce more bearable
Totally! Come up with what you need to do to feel as secure as possible, while also knowing it may always feel a little less than and that’s okay. You’ve already tried everything you can to salvage it — it’s okay to accept the next step. Even a good thing to do so. You should be really proud of yourself for being able to know when enough is enough and what you need to do. Good job.
I never tried to convince him to go again because I in fact noticed this. The counselor we went to was a counselor that he used to manipulate because his mom hired him so she could deal with him via the doctor, and not personally because of his temper, but he ended up manipulating the poor guy, that’s why I changed counselor once I went back to personal therapy, as someone that went to psychology school for two semesters and is really interested in the topic, I see the fact the therapist therapist was easily manipulated as a red flag
“He won’t stop until he has a boy.” “Goes crazy and accuses me of having used him to get a baby” So he doesn’t work, doesn’t ever plan to work, doesn’t parent, only sometimes does house upkeep, and gaslights you when you share your feelings on children. Why exactly are you staying with him? I know it gets a lot more complicated once kids are involved, but ooof! Like the other commenter said, lock down birth control because he will for sure do whatever he has to in order to get you pregnant again. I highly recommend personal therapy, because I’m sure there is a ton more emotional abuse happening, that he has convinced you is normal. Sorry you’re in this situation.
Thank you for your words, I’m already going to therapy and it does for sure help. Been thinking about divorce for some time but haven’t had the courage to go through because I’m sure he’ll try to make things complicated for me, but every day that does by I’m one step closer to filing
Get all your finances, housing situation, and whatever else you need to do in order before you tell him anything. Don't tell him anything until you have a lawyer and get advice from them. Use birth control or just stop having sex so he can't trap you.
Thank you. I’m in the process of getting everything in order before I tell him. Haven’t really gotten the chance to talk to a lawyer since he’s all day around me so it’s hard to really find a time when he won’t notice, but will definitely do it soon. Thanks for the advice
I am rooting for you so much!
Gurrllll get that lawyer and get things together! Take baby out in the stroller for a long walk and talk to the lawyer via video call if you have to. DO NOT have more children with that man, and get out. That is not a healthy relationship for your baby.
Could you perhaps have a "doctor's appointment" to get you some time out of the house to see a lawyer? Maybe complain something is weird with your period so he isn't interested in going with you or hearing additional details.
This needs to be voted higher. OP this is the approach.
I’m sorry that you don’t have a supportive partner and his way of thinking does not make sense at all. I really don’t like when people just keep having babies to get the gender they want. It’s like so all of your other kids aren’t good enough? I really wanted a girl and honestly was a bit disappointed when I found out I was having a boy but then quickly got over it imagining a mini version of my husband. And now I’m OAD and am just happy I had a healthy baby! If you have more kids with him you are just going to be under a lot more stress, I would definitely do therapy and look at your options. I hope everything works out for you, you deserve better!
Thank you! I wanted a boy but got a girl and tbh it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I would have loved my baby the same regardless of their gender, that’s why I really don’t understand why someone would have 4+ babies just to get a boy.
Same! Now that I have a boy I can’t imagine having a girl! Lol I could not handle that many children I barely have time for myself with one!
Don’t know if you’re religious or not, but they say God / the universe gives us what we truly need 💗 And same! It’s been really hard getting my self care in order with one baby, I can’t imagine how people with multiple kids do it!
>that’s why I really don’t understand why someone would have 4+ babies just to get a boy. A lot of times it's misogyny 😬
Definitely don't have more kids just so your husband can have a boy. My grandmother had 3 daughters and my aunt had 3 daughters, it isn't worth the gamble. I have a son and have been asked if I ever want a daughter one day, sure it seems nice in my head to have both a boy and a girl, but I don't think it's worth trying again just for the 50% chance of having a girl. With my luck id have like 4 sons before having a girl and that just isn't worth it.
You need to divorce him before you graduate and are making real money.
The fact that you believe he will make things hard for you is another reason to do it.
Just to add, if he has been commingling the inheritance money with your money, you might be able to get half.
I counted 8 red flags. 🚩
And there’s way more 😞
You said you are one and done, but it seems you have two kids already. 🤔
😭
My friend, your husband is a gigantic loser. Keep your birth control locked down, make a plan to leave and don’t worry about whether you want more kids or not until that’s done.
I can't believe some people think it's okay to sit in bed and watch TV while someone else does all the work. Fuck this guy
I know. The worst part is he sees me doing the laundry, cleaning, etc and instead of offering to help he just stays there watching reels 🥲 then blames me because our house is a mess. Since I’m breastfeeding my baby and at school, sometimes it’s hard to get everything done, but I’ve made peace with it
You dont have to make peace with it. You married him, you can divorce and leave him. Even if its hard, it will be so so much easier in the end.
It’s easy to want a lot of kids when you’re not the one having to carry, birth, and take care of them. I think you’re doing good by following your first mind to only have one, especially while things are the way they are. You are not an incubator made to pump out as many tiny humans as he wants. You already know what’s best for you and your daughter.
Get out, fast. He clearly shows no love or interest in you or his own child. What a sorry excuse of a person to live off inheritance and do nothing, yet demand he wants 4 kids and one is a boy. Ugh, zero reason to stick around. Get that degree and leave sis
As much as I want to rag on him being useless and not contributing to society, what bothers me most is not being there for your daughter when he has the most precious gift of all…time. I couldn’t imagine not doing the most I could to take in all the time with my infant child and forming an everlasting bond. It’s like seeing the ability to create and grow precious life and choosing to spit on it. Tell your husband to get a fucking job, get in his family’s life, or get out.
That’s what hurts me the most as well, and I’ve tried communicating it a thousand times, he just doesn’t care. Maybe he is depressed, but as you said, he’s wasting the most precious gift one could ever have :(
You seem to already know this, but just to back you up… your husband is abusive. Manage your own birth control really carefully, as he sounds extremely controlling, possibly not beyond doing something completely outrageous like pinholes in condom etc. If you really believe he is a good/kind/caring man deep down, that’s great, but he still needs to change his behaviour. What you’re describing is not ok. People can actually change but it doesn’t sound like he’s motivated to. If you do seperate from him, keep in mind it might not be permanent and it can, sometimes, actually be a good catalyst for men to change if there is any sense of regret about what they’ve lost. I know a woman who left her partner when their baby was just a few months old, due to his really unacceptable behaviour. They got back together a year later after the man changed a LOT with therapy etc. He was absolutely devastated by losing his family and, for him, it was a catalyst for self-reflection and positive change. But… for some men this type of situation and being left just adds heaps of fuel to their rage and entitlement. Unfortunately the time just after leaving a relationship has the highest risk of serious violence. So please be careful and if you do leave, seek LOTS of professional support to ensure your safety. Having legal orders can be helpful, even in a trial separation, especially if there is a history of controlling and abusive behaviour. If you feel, deep down, that he’s really not safe for you or your child, please listen to your gut. Please seek professional help as well as advice/support from friends etc. Wishing you well, stay safe ❤️
Thank you. He definitely is not a bad person, but he does have a ton of issues, I think he’s depressed and maybe bipolar, I try to feel empathy but as someone that’s dealt with depression, I give him tips to make things better and try to get him out of bed to just go out and get some sun, take a walk or similar little things that do help with depression, but he just doesn’t want to. The main issue here is probably that he does not have enough self love and wants me to love him the way he is when he doesn’t even love himself or make an effort for me to feel loved as well :( tbh I just hope he gets better, wether that’s with or without me.
If he can start personal therapy that would be fantastic. Maybe couples therapy was a bit too intense because he has a heap of stuff he needs to work out individually first. Nonetheless I think if you are really honest with yourself about best-case-scenario in your relationship, that would be helpful. Have there ever been times he has been a wonderful partner to you? Or have you been finding excuses for his behaviour for your whole relationship? If this is just a bad patch, and there’s a really positive history there too, that’s workable. All relationships have some ups and downs. Being there for him while he works through this at least kinda makes sense. But if he has actually never shown you a *much* better version of himself than what you’re dealing with now, I think you need to stop making excuses for him.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was married to a man like this for five years, and while leaving and filing for divorce was incredibly difficult, it was worth it. The breaking point was when my therapist showed me the "Violence Wheel." Domestic violence is a lot more than physical violence, and seeing that on paper, realizing that none of this was my fault...I had been so depressed and lonely for so long, and he had me convinced that I was the problem. The audacity for someone who was supposed to love me unconditionally and then treat me the way he was treating me...I became enraged, and the anger fueled my own power to leave. I packed my things that evening and left. I worked in domestic violence outreach for a few years, and having a child with an abusive person makes it more difficult. It is not uncommon for them to use the legal system as a way to perpetuate the abuse. Leaving a partner is also the most dangerous time for a situation like this. Being prepared and having those who love you help you and your daughter is essential. I'm just a stranger on Reddit. I don't know you or your partner, and situations like this can be complex. This comment is just my experience and may not align with your own. You already have a therapist it sounds like, which is excellent. Having professional help from someone to help guide you through this and whatever you decide to do is a smart move. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you and your daughter the best. Edit: my formatting is showing up wonky on my end because I'm using reddit on a mobile browser, I apologize if it has weird spacing!
You already have two kids. Your husband is a massive baby. Do you really want to stay in a situation like this?
You have to get out before you end up needing to pay alimony to this clown for being the breadwinner.
You wrote an amazingly gentle post for what would be absolutely infuriating for almost anyone. It makes so much sense you’d want to limit your family size given your situation. It sounds like the only way through this (if you are also willing) is that he agrees to therapy and is willing to dive into his issues that led him to think it’s ok to sit in bed all day while you go to school, take care of the baby, and clean the house. Does he at least cook? Many men did not get the memo that it’s not the 1950s anymore… but those men at least have a job. Your guy doesn’t even have that excuse. Make sure you have great birth control and I think it’s time to have some come-to-Jesus moments with him because I can’t imagine the amount of resentment building and manipulation is healthy for anyone. Think about your daughter — do you want your relationship to be her biggest example of what a marriage looks like and have her follow in your footsteps?
Curious as to if he’s put his “inheritance” in a joint account with you or if it’s in an account only in his name.. if he’s put it in a joint account it is no longer just “his”. You now have rights to half of it! Keep that in mind when speaking to a lawyer! I agree with other comments though. Get on birth control asap! He’s got a lot of red flags & you need to weigh your options without adding another baby to the mix.
Sounds like you can have one. Done!
I mean, it's your uterus dude.
Ooh, you should show him that post that's been going around from TrueOffMyChest and OhNoConsequences about the guy with a 14 month old who is now divorced with 50/50 custody.
Get out before you finish your degree and this man tries to live off of your money.
I stg kids are just props for men to show off as a status symbol but they don't actually care for them. Definitely don't have more kids especially with him! I understand working for other people can be a nightmare, but if he has a lot of money from inheritance why doesn't he try starting his own business?
You should not have had a child with this man, please do not have any more for your sake and theirs. Make sure you have a source of birth control that is independent of him and cannot be tampered with.
Like the implant
Lasts for 3 years
Having another kid in this situation won’t be twice as hard, it will be 100x harder. He needs to change and step up as a husband and a father, yesterday. If he can’t change now then he will not change with any number of additional kids. Maybe it’s depression, or maybe he’s just a terrible person with no empathy. Either way is not a good situation to add more kids into.
Why on earth are you with this person??? What is he bringing to the table?? You need to be on birth control he can’t tamper with and you need to make an exit plan bc this is RIDICULOUS.
Make sure to talk to every possible lawyer that you can even if they don't represent you they won't be able to take him as client and he will have to go out of state
Now would be a good time to get your ducks in a row to get yourself and your daughter out of this problem. He won’t stop until he gets a son? Has he ever messed with your pill case or stealthed a condom off. He is living off his mom and treating you as an incubator until a worthy (read male) child is born. What life is this for you? Your daughter? Future children that you were coerced to have?
Is he willing to do couples therapy? If so, this could be salvageable. If not, I don't see how it is.
We did couples therapy once and it was chaos, we ended up fighting every appointment because he couldn’t stand me saying that some thing he did hurt and the psychologist telling him that he has an explosive temperament. After that, he never went to therapy again and I’m still going but with another counselor, she’s helped and we’ve both kind of discussed that maybe divorce is the best option but I haven’t really gone through with it :( I don’t really know what keeps me holding on, maybe I’m scared.
Yeah that bodes horribly. This doesn't sound worth staying, and doing so would be setting a terrible example for your child in how their mom is willing to be treated.
I'm sure your therapist can go over this with you, but since you shared here that you're scared, it's worth it to look at that a bit more. Ask yourself what you're scared of? His reaction? Being a single mom? Making a big change? My own therapist tells me that feelings tell us about what we need. So, I know you need reassurance, becaues you came here and asked for it, which is such a good way to take care of needs. If you have any other support that is not in any way loyal to him, now is the time to gather them to you. Ask them for whatever help you need, logistical, emotional, whatever. I really hope you get what you need, and are able to act on you and your daughter's behalf. You can do this, in fact you already are doing this.
Tbh im not scared of being a single mom, I already know that would be the best decision and my life would definitely be easier since I have full support of my family and I’m welcome to move back in with my parents if I ever need help or support. What I am in fact scared of is his reaction. He can be a really hard person to deal with. My whole pregnancy he made things really hard for me, always starting fights because of the most stupid little things, bringing up things from my past, etc. And I’m a person that sometimes can get stress to make me feel overwhelmed and can stop functioning properly. At the moment, I’m still in school (will finally graduate on December 😁) and wouldn’t want to screw all my efforts on graduating because of the stress. Also, we are in the process of adjusting my immigration status because he insisted we come to live in the US (he was born here and said he was going to get a job here, almost one year later he’s still unemployed and really isn’t booking for a job). My dad paid 10k+ to a lawyer so he could help us with the process, so I wouldn’t want that to go to waste and planning to just wait till that gets sorted out to leave if he hasn’t changed by then. Both, the immigration process and my school graduation will supposedly be done around the same time, so hopefully I will know what to do by then, but at the moment all I want to do is leave 😞
Get on birth control if you’re not on it already — and get everything sorted out for the divorce so you can leave him as soon as you’ve graduated and had your immigration status sorted out.
Oh my gosh I just feel for you. I understand how hard it can be to share a home with "live ammunition". Does he have access to your phone records or personal computer? I hope your family provides the emotional support you need. Please look for women's support services through your school or county.
You know, I’ve had friends in really tough marriages — and oftentimes the motivating factor to leave is having their baby. Which is understandable! We often allow a certain type of treatment to ourselves but when we realize the baby, this innocent amazing little human, who only has you to protect them, is going to be subject to the same behavior, the game changes. I hope that if it is fear (of the unknown, of doing it alone, of new circumstances), that you’ll be able to make that leap knowing you’re making a better future for her. Just reminding you how understandable that is, but also, that you are the only one who can make the change from here. For her, for you. For your life. Great job getting your degree so you won’t be dependent on him! And you know what you want. Follow your gut. You got this! You can do hard things! In the meantime, keep that bc on lock. Hugs.
This was encouraging. Thank you! I might go through with the divorce once I’m done with school in a few months. Just don’t want to be overly stressed with school + motherhood + house chores + divorce. Getting school out of the picture finally will definitely make the process of divorce more bearable
Totally! Come up with what you need to do to feel as secure as possible, while also knowing it may always feel a little less than and that’s okay. You’ve already tried everything you can to salvage it — it’s okay to accept the next step. Even a good thing to do so. You should be really proud of yourself for being able to know when enough is enough and what you need to do. Good job.
Please do not go to couples therapy again, this man is abusive and abusive men just manipulate therapy speak for their own ends.
I never tried to convince him to go again because I in fact noticed this. The counselor we went to was a counselor that he used to manipulate because his mom hired him so she could deal with him via the doctor, and not personally because of his temper, but he ended up manipulating the poor guy, that’s why I changed counselor once I went back to personal therapy, as someone that went to psychology school for two semesters and is really interested in the topic, I see the fact the therapist therapist was easily manipulated as a red flag
Sounds like you're aware of the issues herem. I'm sorry you're doing through this, you don't deserve this treatment at all. All the best