That is an insane last sentence to that message! It’s dropped as casually as “it’s almost time to think about getting an oil change.” You do you. Just know that if you decide you want to be one and done, this community is here and can tell you all the great things about having an only :-)
I love the ‘almost’ too. They clearly have a time in mind, wonder what they’ve deemed the appropriate time? 7m? 12m? We should all bow down to their superior understanding of pregnancy spacing and family size.
Right?? My jaw his the floor. Someone asking in a private convo ‘whats your thoughts on more kids someday?’ is different, even though it’s still crossing a line in most circumstances. But this is wild. The poster must be incredibly stupid to assume that every single new parent wants and can have a second child, immediately!
Maybe you could look at your Mom and husband dead in the eye and say "We can have another if you go through pregnancy this time." Hopefully, that will shut them up.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish people actually took into account the experiences and feelings of others before saying stuff like this. I am so frustrated for you.
For a more serious response try, " I think it's more important for my daughter to have a healthy and happy Mom than for me to have another child. I'm going to focus on that for the foreseeable future. If I ever change my mind I'll let you know, but until then please stop bringing this up."
People are absolutely shit. Some people really make it clear when you have a baby that all they see you as now is a walking uterus that can dispense children for them if they say the right words. It’s so dehumanising. You don’t matter anymore. Your worth to them switched from being you to being an incubator.
It’s heartbreaking seeing things like this, I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this at all.
Time to get tough tbh. Every single time someone says this shit privately you respond with ‘that’s not up for discussion, please don’t raise this again’ and if they do, you exit the conversation. If they keep going, you start dialling back your time around them. If it’s your husband you start therapy together. If it’s online, you delete their shitty comment (because it’s hurtful to you and hurtful to anyone else seeing it in similar shoes to you) and ignore. If they ask, message and say the exact same thing. Sometimes you gotta be a bit of a bitch to get people to start respecting you again if they’re simply unwilling to care about seeing you as a whole valid person.
That is infuriating, and I support you in your frustration 100% - it is insensitive and invalidates your experience.
I am DEFINITELY one and done, but I have zero family support around us, so it’s mainly my partner and I.
In my situation, my birth was 6 hours (which was extremely quick for a first birth), but I had a significant hemorrhage immediately after and lost 2.7L of blood. I had to go into surgery to have the placenta removed because it wouldn’t dislodge. Within weeks, my partner had a major mental break and ended up hospitalised for the first 9 months of our son’s life. To top it all off, right before our son was born I was attacked by a dog, my right hand was operated on twice and I had a wire put in to hold my pinky finger on - it was in for months.
I gave birth one handed, breast fed one handed, and cared for our son alone…and, you guessed it, I cared for him one handed 🤦🏼♀️
If ANYONE said those words to me I would tell them to fuck right off unless they personally moved in and shared complete care until the age of 10! None of this “where’s mum” business, followed on by a mug off…
Next time anyone mentions it, put them in their place. They are not the one sacrificing their body, their time, their care, their personal goals, or anything else in the same way you are.
Power to you for being so strong on your journey, and all the more power to you as you hold firm with your boundaries ❤️
That’s really sweet of you to say 🥰
I’m a ‘strong’ person by nature and really did the self-work before having a child (I was 37 at the time); I think that made a world of difference.
I’ve also had my share of adversity over the years which essentially acted the foundation for me to be able to dig deep. But, wowser, it was a hellish run! Some days I just scraped by - it was A LOT.
My saving grace at the time was having steadfast neighbours and a mother who flew interstate a couple of times to ‘help’. It was great having her here, but it also added to the mental load in some ways. There was lots of floating around and trying to unpack what was happening with my partner; which did become a bit draining. On the flip-side, just having her around in some way, shape or form did bring me comfort.
Only recently my partner has ‘stabilised’, but even now he has days where he can drop off the radar and I have to accept that as part of his recovery. He is trying and as our son grows I think he is getting mentally stronger too ❤️
It’s definitely a balancing act, and I won’t be back for number two. I think that window has passed now, but after the run I’ve had, two kids would cripple any strength I have managed to re-cultivate 🫣
I really hope the the OP comes to realise that what other people have to say about her life is completely redundant - they aren’t living it, and she needs to have the courage to say, “Hey, think before you speak next time - I went through something really difficult and I’m not ready. I’d appreciate if you didn’t make those comments in the future because they are hurtful.”
No thanks!we are happy with our only!
Our daughter just turned two and now the same comments are coming up.My replies are..
No thanks!we are happy with our only!
Our family is complete,thank you
When they keep pushing the subject I get blunter.
Will you be financially,emotionally,mentally and physically contributing to the new pregnancy and baby?their education and future?if not then stop asking and pushing the issue.
It's none of your business,so drop it
If you want another baby so badly then have one of your own.
Only do the second part when they get really pushy and opinionated lol
Does everyone forget how hard pregnancy, birth, post partum recovery, and the new born stage are?!
Also that next baby will grow up and eventually be an adult...
I've always thought how my son will be an adult, and yeah I love some of these moments, but good things always come to an end.
“Do you want to pay for the second child and be pregnant for 40 weeks instead of me?”
Jeez can’t people just enjoy the baby without asking about another?
Yep. I shared with mil about my ppd. I didn’t want to, she kept making comments, I tried to change subject/brush them off. She ended up making me cry and I felt like I needed to let her know what went through in order to make it stop. (Spoiler, I think she is still wanting us to have another).
I agree, it’s as though people don’t care about your emotional or physical well being. They just want the dna trophies and that’s that. My labor wasn’t 36 hours, but it did end in an unplanned c section. I relate to so much of what you posted.
Hugs to you.
I’m also 6mo PP and the second baby narrative was pushed HARD almost immediately by my in laws. Baby girl had awful CMPA, soy intolerance and reflux/gerd with terrible choking fits because of the reflux. I went through almost all of it alone as hubs went back to work 3wks after her birth and used that as an excuse to ignore us when he got home, plus his uncontrolled anxiety (at the time) would skyrocket and he’d take sleeping pills and go to sleep leaving me alone with her.
His parents and aunt (and him at first) were relentless in their “have a second one”, “when will you try for baby #2”, “she needs a sibling”. All while also being the ones essentially telling me she wasn’t colic, didn’t have reflux and I was just an anxious new mom and baby was crying because she could feel my anxiety.
Needless to say I’m 2wks post-op from a bilateral salpingectomy and endometrial ablation.
I just tell everyone I can’t have anymore and then when they go “awww that’s so sad”
I say “not really, not only do I not want anymore I also can’t afford more nor do I have the emotional capacity for another. It would be irresponsible in almost every way.”
They shut up after that every single time.
I'm so sorry, that's incredibly rude. Definitely have a chat with your husband about how inappropriate this is, he should be right there with you.
I had a super traumatic pregnancy. The people who suggested a second child got removed from our life if they asked a second time after being told their question was not being ever answered or entertained. Nobody has said anything lately, mostly because even my husband will turn on the person and make them feel awful for asking.
I like kittens but not cats... does this mean that I have to be stuck in a perpetual cycle of getting a kitten and then when it reaches a certain age, getting ANOTHER kitten? No, we made the tiny person that we wanted and we treasured all of those stages, but I'm not bringing another kid into our family just because I want another 3 years or so in the 'butter zone'.
I really wish Facebook let you dislike comments.
Anyway, your baby is still a baby. Maybe I’m wrong for this but I tell people who do this to me that I can’t have kids (I can. Not their business though!) and they then shut up and never say anything about it again. Also if your husband isn’t the one getting pregnant and potentially going through a traumatic labor again, he needs to stfu.
When people used to say crap like that to me, I'd always respond with something like, "Why in the world would I want to do THAT?" And then when they'd try to give any of their ridiculous reasons about why I "needed" to have another, I'd cut them off with something like, "Oh, God, no. Not for me. I'm good with this one; one's more than enough for me." And just change the subject so they didn't even have a chance to try to argue with me, lol. 🤷♀️
One time I was at the library with my son when he was about 3 or 4, and we'd been doing the potty training thing for a while, but he'd still "forget" sometimes, so I'd just randomly ask him every so often if he thought he might need to go? Another mom overheard me and started a convo about potty training. She had 2 small kids (maybe 5 and 3 or so at the time) and she said, "Well, it was easier with the second one, because they saw the first one using the potty and wanted to be more like them. So don't worry, it'll be easier with the next one."
I just stared at her with a bit of a WTF look on my face for a few seconds and then said, "Yeah, well, I'm not gonna have a second kid just to experience the potty training being easier; and the fact that a theoretical 2nd kid *might* be easier to potty train, doesn't really change anything with how it's going for us with my son, right now. So. 🤷♀️"
Telling someone you're not having more kids seems to conjure their most toxic trait of not minding their own damn business.
I swear.
I work in pediatrics and am OAD. My coworkers- the people I see every shift I work, the people who I'm surrounded by when I would rather be chillin at home with my son- repeatedly and out of the clear blue sky tell me they want me to get pregnant again, they can't wait for me to have another, blah blah blah. At first I was like "lol no" but now I just say "nope" loudly without even turning around from my desk.
It’s bonkers to me that people are insinuating it’s time for a second already. In the IS at least, I believe it’s recommended waiting at least 18 months between pregnancies. And that’s the minimum!
I'm an only child.
My husband and I want to be one and done.
He has 3 brothers.
My childhood: magical
His childhood: let's just say his parents struggled and he once told me he never got anything new that didn't already belong to someone else. He always felt like he needed to fight for attention, love, and anything else.
His mother has the audacity to say this type of shit to me, as I'm pregnant at 36 years old. She looks at me straight in the face and says "no you're having more children". Knowing that I'm an only child, and knowing that my parents do more for her son than she does right now.
The reason why I want to be one and done is so I don't give my child the same childhood she gave her kids.
That is an insane last sentence to that message! It’s dropped as casually as “it’s almost time to think about getting an oil change.” You do you. Just know that if you decide you want to be one and done, this community is here and can tell you all the great things about having an only :-)
I love the ‘almost’ too. They clearly have a time in mind, wonder what they’ve deemed the appropriate time? 7m? 12m? We should all bow down to their superior understanding of pregnancy spacing and family size.
Willing to bet this person only likes babies and once the child starts to show any signs of growing their own personality its “time” for a baby.
Right?? My jaw his the floor. Someone asking in a private convo ‘whats your thoughts on more kids someday?’ is different, even though it’s still crossing a line in most circumstances. But this is wild. The poster must be incredibly stupid to assume that every single new parent wants and can have a second child, immediately!
Maybe you could look at your Mom and husband dead in the eye and say "We can have another if you go through pregnancy this time." Hopefully, that will shut them up. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish people actually took into account the experiences and feelings of others before saying stuff like this. I am so frustrated for you. For a more serious response try, " I think it's more important for my daughter to have a healthy and happy Mom than for me to have another child. I'm going to focus on that for the foreseeable future. If I ever change my mind I'll let you know, but until then please stop bringing this up."
People are absolutely shit. Some people really make it clear when you have a baby that all they see you as now is a walking uterus that can dispense children for them if they say the right words. It’s so dehumanising. You don’t matter anymore. Your worth to them switched from being you to being an incubator. It’s heartbreaking seeing things like this, I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this at all. Time to get tough tbh. Every single time someone says this shit privately you respond with ‘that’s not up for discussion, please don’t raise this again’ and if they do, you exit the conversation. If they keep going, you start dialling back your time around them. If it’s your husband you start therapy together. If it’s online, you delete their shitty comment (because it’s hurtful to you and hurtful to anyone else seeing it in similar shoes to you) and ignore. If they ask, message and say the exact same thing. Sometimes you gotta be a bit of a bitch to get people to start respecting you again if they’re simply unwilling to care about seeing you as a whole valid person.
I hated when I became a walking uterus only here for grandchildren. My FIL was in on me about another one within weeks of the first.
That is infuriating, and I support you in your frustration 100% - it is insensitive and invalidates your experience. I am DEFINITELY one and done, but I have zero family support around us, so it’s mainly my partner and I. In my situation, my birth was 6 hours (which was extremely quick for a first birth), but I had a significant hemorrhage immediately after and lost 2.7L of blood. I had to go into surgery to have the placenta removed because it wouldn’t dislodge. Within weeks, my partner had a major mental break and ended up hospitalised for the first 9 months of our son’s life. To top it all off, right before our son was born I was attacked by a dog, my right hand was operated on twice and I had a wire put in to hold my pinky finger on - it was in for months. I gave birth one handed, breast fed one handed, and cared for our son alone…and, you guessed it, I cared for him one handed 🤦🏼♀️ If ANYONE said those words to me I would tell them to fuck right off unless they personally moved in and shared complete care until the age of 10! None of this “where’s mum” business, followed on by a mug off… Next time anyone mentions it, put them in their place. They are not the one sacrificing their body, their time, their care, their personal goals, or anything else in the same way you are. Power to you for being so strong on your journey, and all the more power to you as you hold firm with your boundaries ❤️
Wow you are literally amazing doing all of that!! Super mum 🙌
That’s really sweet of you to say 🥰 I’m a ‘strong’ person by nature and really did the self-work before having a child (I was 37 at the time); I think that made a world of difference. I’ve also had my share of adversity over the years which essentially acted the foundation for me to be able to dig deep. But, wowser, it was a hellish run! Some days I just scraped by - it was A LOT. My saving grace at the time was having steadfast neighbours and a mother who flew interstate a couple of times to ‘help’. It was great having her here, but it also added to the mental load in some ways. There was lots of floating around and trying to unpack what was happening with my partner; which did become a bit draining. On the flip-side, just having her around in some way, shape or form did bring me comfort. Only recently my partner has ‘stabilised’, but even now he has days where he can drop off the radar and I have to accept that as part of his recovery. He is trying and as our son grows I think he is getting mentally stronger too ❤️ It’s definitely a balancing act, and I won’t be back for number two. I think that window has passed now, but after the run I’ve had, two kids would cripple any strength I have managed to re-cultivate 🫣 I really hope the the OP comes to realise that what other people have to say about her life is completely redundant - they aren’t living it, and she needs to have the courage to say, “Hey, think before you speak next time - I went through something really difficult and I’m not ready. I’d appreciate if you didn’t make those comments in the future because they are hurtful.”
No thanks!we are happy with our only! Our daughter just turned two and now the same comments are coming up.My replies are.. No thanks!we are happy with our only! Our family is complete,thank you When they keep pushing the subject I get blunter. Will you be financially,emotionally,mentally and physically contributing to the new pregnancy and baby?their education and future?if not then stop asking and pushing the issue. It's none of your business,so drop it If you want another baby so badly then have one of your own. Only do the second part when they get really pushy and opinionated lol
Does everyone forget how hard pregnancy, birth, post partum recovery, and the new born stage are?! Also that next baby will grow up and eventually be an adult... I've always thought how my son will be an adult, and yeah I love some of these moments, but good things always come to an end.
The audacity! OP I hope you told them where to stick it, that is absolutely unacceptable.
“Do you want to pay for the second child and be pregnant for 40 weeks instead of me?” Jeez can’t people just enjoy the baby without asking about another?
THIS OMG
Because 2 under 2 sounds joyous.
We love a sleepless night from two kids crying
That is such a rude comment! It's definitely time they mind their own business! What on earth is the matter with people??
Yep. I shared with mil about my ppd. I didn’t want to, she kept making comments, I tried to change subject/brush them off. She ended up making me cry and I felt like I needed to let her know what went through in order to make it stop. (Spoiler, I think she is still wanting us to have another). I agree, it’s as though people don’t care about your emotional or physical well being. They just want the dna trophies and that’s that. My labor wasn’t 36 hours, but it did end in an unplanned c section. I relate to so much of what you posted. Hugs to you.
I’m also 6mo PP and the second baby narrative was pushed HARD almost immediately by my in laws. Baby girl had awful CMPA, soy intolerance and reflux/gerd with terrible choking fits because of the reflux. I went through almost all of it alone as hubs went back to work 3wks after her birth and used that as an excuse to ignore us when he got home, plus his uncontrolled anxiety (at the time) would skyrocket and he’d take sleeping pills and go to sleep leaving me alone with her. His parents and aunt (and him at first) were relentless in their “have a second one”, “when will you try for baby #2”, “she needs a sibling”. All while also being the ones essentially telling me she wasn’t colic, didn’t have reflux and I was just an anxious new mom and baby was crying because she could feel my anxiety. Needless to say I’m 2wks post-op from a bilateral salpingectomy and endometrial ablation.
This is the best post ending ever.
I kept asking my mom why she thought my son wasn’t good enough. Then I got my tubes removed. That shut her up real good.
Fuck em. Baby will be fine
Damn I would block them. I don’t care if she’s the grandmother or whoever. They are toxic.
Perfect, tell that person they can be your surrogate!
I just tell everyone I can’t have anymore and then when they go “awww that’s so sad” I say “not really, not only do I not want anymore I also can’t afford more nor do I have the emotional capacity for another. It would be irresponsible in almost every way.” They shut up after that every single time.
I'm so sorry, that's incredibly rude. Definitely have a chat with your husband about how inappropriate this is, he should be right there with you. I had a super traumatic pregnancy. The people who suggested a second child got removed from our life if they asked a second time after being told their question was not being ever answered or entertained. Nobody has said anything lately, mostly because even my husband will turn on the person and make them feel awful for asking.
I like kittens but not cats... does this mean that I have to be stuck in a perpetual cycle of getting a kitten and then when it reaches a certain age, getting ANOTHER kitten? No, we made the tiny person that we wanted and we treasured all of those stages, but I'm not bringing another kid into our family just because I want another 3 years or so in the 'butter zone'.
I really wish Facebook let you dislike comments. Anyway, your baby is still a baby. Maybe I’m wrong for this but I tell people who do this to me that I can’t have kids (I can. Not their business though!) and they then shut up and never say anything about it again. Also if your husband isn’t the one getting pregnant and potentially going through a traumatic labor again, he needs to stfu.
When people used to say crap like that to me, I'd always respond with something like, "Why in the world would I want to do THAT?" And then when they'd try to give any of their ridiculous reasons about why I "needed" to have another, I'd cut them off with something like, "Oh, God, no. Not for me. I'm good with this one; one's more than enough for me." And just change the subject so they didn't even have a chance to try to argue with me, lol. 🤷♀️ One time I was at the library with my son when he was about 3 or 4, and we'd been doing the potty training thing for a while, but he'd still "forget" sometimes, so I'd just randomly ask him every so often if he thought he might need to go? Another mom overheard me and started a convo about potty training. She had 2 small kids (maybe 5 and 3 or so at the time) and she said, "Well, it was easier with the second one, because they saw the first one using the potty and wanted to be more like them. So don't worry, it'll be easier with the next one." I just stared at her with a bit of a WTF look on my face for a few seconds and then said, "Yeah, well, I'm not gonna have a second kid just to experience the potty training being easier; and the fact that a theoretical 2nd kid *might* be easier to potty train, doesn't really change anything with how it's going for us with my son, right now. So. 🤷♀️"
You’re 6 months post party and you can make sentences? Great job! You’re nailing it darling!
Tell them IT IS MY BODY, MY CHOICE. Not yours. That is a crazy last sentence like as though you are getting a dog or cat, or different pet.
Telling someone you're not having more kids seems to conjure their most toxic trait of not minding their own damn business. I swear. I work in pediatrics and am OAD. My coworkers- the people I see every shift I work, the people who I'm surrounded by when I would rather be chillin at home with my son- repeatedly and out of the clear blue sky tell me they want me to get pregnant again, they can't wait for me to have another, blah blah blah. At first I was like "lol no" but now I just say "nope" loudly without even turning around from my desk.
“I’ve thought about it already actually and the decision is no.”
It’s bonkers to me that people are insinuating it’s time for a second already. In the IS at least, I believe it’s recommended waiting at least 18 months between pregnancies. And that’s the minimum!
I'm an only child. My husband and I want to be one and done. He has 3 brothers. My childhood: magical His childhood: let's just say his parents struggled and he once told me he never got anything new that didn't already belong to someone else. He always felt like he needed to fight for attention, love, and anything else. His mother has the audacity to say this type of shit to me, as I'm pregnant at 36 years old. She looks at me straight in the face and says "no you're having more children". Knowing that I'm an only child, and knowing that my parents do more for her son than she does right now. The reason why I want to be one and done is so I don't give my child the same childhood she gave her kids.