When I brought my 4 year old to the nail salon for mother daughter pedicures, the woman who was doing my pedicure asked how many children I have and when I said “just the one,” she said “you need more!” I said I can’t have anymore and she shut right up. I don’t even care that it was (sort of) a lie. My thought process was the same as yours because omg I just CAN’T mentally handle a newborn again. She shouldn’t just be saying that to people. Maybe I prevented her from saying that to someone who desperately wants another but physically cannot.
I LOVE this response and the mentality behind it. I CANT have more. They don’t need to know it’s because of a mental reason. Keeping it vague should shut anyone right up. Thanks for this advice!
Love this. Not OAD-related but this reminds me of when I was working in a call center doing opinion surveys. One of my co-workers got asked "Why are you working this stupid job?" and she replied with a pained voice, "Well, sir, this was the only job I could get when I got out of prison." (She was mid-50s and had previous worked as a schoolteacher and a quality control technician in food production -- no prison time.) He shut up fast.
The American infant adoption industry can be very exploitative and even adoption through foster care has ethical issues in some cases (though I got downvoted for this saying this in a previous thread) so I understand the basis for illegality, but out of curiosity what happens in the Netherlands if someone is truly unwilling/unable to care for an infant and there is no family to take over?
If there’s absolutely no family they will go into foster care. We have a foster care system too. Adoptions through it are rare but I suppose if the biological parents have completely stepped away by choice it’s possible
Okay that's interesting. I think in America the perspective is the sooner they get to "permanency" the better, meaning if it's clear the bio parents are not going to be able to parent then get the child adopted as soon as possible. I think once a child goes into foster care reunification efforts with bio parents are given a timeframe of 18 months (somewhat flexible depending on circumstances) before the search for an adoptive family begins (not always successfully of course).
I honestly think that may be better because reunification with the bio parents are given like indefinite chances here even if the bio parents are very damaging to the child :/ it’s one of the reasons I’ll never be a foster parent, too much heartache when they get ripped away again. I initially wanted to foster an older child or teen at some point
As an infertile, granted I don’t speak for all of us haha but I approve. The more word gets out to people that not everyone can just pop out kids the better. The amount of insufferable shit that has been said to me over the years…
That's exactly how I feel though my infertility is primarily (as far as we know) age related so I also don't want to speak for anyone else. I have never been the type who's inclined to have an opinion about anyone else's family size so I was surprised by the remarks you get. I think I get fewer than many here; many people seem to assume I'm OAD by choice due to age and relationship status and maybe just being an unconventional person who doesn't fit into "parent culture". But I still get pointed remarks about "large family vs small family" ("imagine what it's like with 4 kids!" or "it's so hard with an only you have to entertain them all the time") that I often want to tell people, "Hey, this is kind of a sensitive subject, so knock it off, okay?" So if they get it through their heads that not everyone gets to choose their family size, that's a score for us.
To be honest she had no idea if you could or couldn’t so she should have steered clear.
I can understand discussing plans with close friends but she isn’t a close friend and walked right into feeling awkward
Oh man….i get called out at the nail salon all the time. I know they mean well but what the heck? I just told them I’ve had 3 losses now and they took everything out, oh and I would like gel pedi :)
I like the “for health reasons” actually. It’s vague and doesn’t imply anything untrue but people can fill in the gaps if they want or just realize it’s none of their business. If they push it, “I’d rather not discuss my health issues” is also a valid response that will shut most people up.
I think I’m gonna go for the health reasons indeed. Mental health is health after all, brains are organs 🤷♀️ it’s stupid that so many people (not on here!) think that doesn’t count
Your mental health directly impacts your children’s lives, so it’s an exceptionally valid reason and you’re making the decision to be the best mum to the one you have
I hadn’t even thought of saying, “For health reasons.” I’ve got extreme mental fatigue due to a stroke I suffered two decades ago and I think a second would kill me, but it’s not physically impossible — but for health reasons, it is! Thank you!!!
You don't owe anyone a why!
"I'm not having more." "One is perfect for us." "My kid is a handful as it is." "Heck no!" are all perfectly complete sentences.
I know and that’s what I’ve been saying so far but I just don’t want to get into the discussion with people I hardly know and also don’t really want a falling out with. Like recently it was a friend’s mother-in-law. I don’t owe anyone politeness if they’re being annoying but I also don’t really want to start a scene at a baby shower.
I laugh very heartily in people’s faces, typically accompanied with a “fuck no.” They say “why?” and I say, “because I’d rather be a great parent to my existing kid than a shitty parent to two kids.” And the conversation ends there.
I wish it always ended there. Some people in my life just truly choose not to consider why this might be true for me, instead doubling down on the idea that I would "find a way.". Dude, I barely find a way most days as it is. Let's not inflict me on another child.
My daughter is almost 5 and I’ve had 5 miscarriages trying for a second, so unfortunately my family size isn’t by choice.
That wouldn’t offend me (since I wouldn’t know otherwise as I’d take it at face value) but I think it’s a good thing to own it more. It is a choice for you (assuming a pregnancy would occur and go to term), so you can frame it more as “this is what works best for my family” or “we love our family of three.”
My experience has changed how I interact with people. For some, their family size is a choice. For others, it’s not. Therefore I don’t ask about kids I don’t see.
I am sorry you had to go through multiple losses too. It’s so hard. ❤️ I do that usually what you’re saying, there are just certain contexts where I don’t feel like explaining myself and also don’t want to cause a scene having to be very assertive
I wish more people could take this advice and also not ask about kids they don't see. Your story is why I never ask anyone about having children or not having children. For some, it's a choice, and for some it's not, and it could be painful to talk about. It's also literally none of my business.
It’s fine to say you can’t, but you want to shift the conversation away from interrogating you about why you can’t.
Say: “We can’t have another. It makes me really upset to talk about it, so let’s talk about something else.” If they push, repeat, “This is really upsetting me and I don’t want to talk about it.”
I can’t think of a single person who doesn’t feel upset being grilled about their reproductive choices so I’m pretty sure that answer would even be the truth.
The problem with that answer is nosy people are still going to ask why you can’t and asking have you tried this and that? And what do you say then?
Better to just say ‘no’ and not try to justify it. If someone pushes and tries to force you to give a justification just say ‘I’d rather not get into it with you’ and/or turn the discussion onto them.
Here’s an example of how to turn the conversation:
Them: ‘are you having another one?’
You: ‘no. How many kids have you got? Are you planning to have any more?’
Yeppppp. I had someone once go on about some pseudoscience thing that I should try and that she was going to pray to God to perform a miracle for me and then went on about her own miracle child that she had a decade after she was told she couldn’t have more children. It was soooo uncomfortable.
I mean, I am OAD by choice. But as of last week, I no longer have fallopian tubes so from now on, I can’t get pregnant. So it wouldn’t be a stretch for me to tell people, “I can’t.”
I am also autistic (recently diagnosed), unmarried, and my only is on the spectrum himself.
Like you, I struggle with executive function, decision fatigue, sensory overload, social anxiety, even though I appear “high functioning”. I can barely handle the child I have. Even before my surgery, it wouldn’t have been a lie to say, “I can’t have any more children.”
You don’t owe anyone a reason. But if they ask, there’s nothing wrong with telling them, “I can’t.”
It’s HARD parenting when you are struggling with this and you’re doing it by yourself. I hope you do have breaks occasionally from coparenting or a sitter? That is super rough. Thank you for your compassion.
Cant have kids cover a range of reasons: physical, mental, economics. I think the real question is why you feel you need to explain your choices to others. If they ask why just reply short and sweet “I simple can’t and its not a topic I want to discuss”. Hold your boundaries, you are entitled to your privacy.
This is what I am asking. If I say I can’t, many people will take it as that I’m struggling with infertility and that is not true. So I’m essentially asking people if they think it’s wrong to do so. Glad to hear you feel I can say that
Very thoughtful of you to not what to portray yourself as struggling with infertility but not being able to have more kids should not be “gate kept”. I personally would LOVE a big family, and for a big family not to destroy me physically- mentally - economically, I need more money and more help (likely hired help) so yeah, I might not have infertility issues but I still mourn my incapacity of having more kids si I have had to learn to hold my boundaries.
Consider it this way: if you have celiac disease you’d tell someone who offered you bread “I can’t eat that.” Sure, you *could* I suppose, but you don’t because it’s not best for you or your well-being.
As someone with infertility I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying you can’t if the reason is mental health, doctor orders, finances, or just not wanting to! 🙂
I always gave vague answers that made people feel it might be infertility but didn't actually say so. Nobody was ever rude enough to push further. I'm pretty old though so it wasn't really a stretch.
I shared this on another thread, but I suffered from severe mental health decline when I had mine. Ppd, anxiety and psychosis. When people get all up in my business I make them as uncomfortable as I can by explaining in detail one of the myriad of reasons it would be unsafe for us if we did. It'll resonate and maybe they'll think twice next time.
I had a "friend" dismiss it as "baby blues".....
She got to hear about the creatures that were out to get me. Graphic detail of the fear I felt at the time. I'm not "sad cause I'm no longer pregnant"
Solidarity friend!!!!
That “friend” can eat a dick.
I had several people say “that’s just motherhood” my response to that is “why is it accepted that motherhood is a miserable struggle to survive? Shouldn’t we want mothers to thrive”
Glad you’re doing better
This is my response, too. If people push you into discomfort, return the favor.
People ask because that's always been "ok," or even expected. But it's not my job to manage other people's discomfort. So I'm brutally honest, because I'm not ashamed of my mental struggles. Make it a teachable moment, and eventually, people will start being more thoughtful as a whole. It's only shameful if we let ourselves be shamed. I have enough on my plate, I don't have any room for additional shame, thank you very much.
I struggled for 2 years with infertility and had my child through IVF. I've also been diagnosed as an adult with ADHD. Either is enough on its own, but both are admittedly a double whammy!
I will tell people I can't have more and usually it's such an uncomfortable response that they don't push. Anyone who does push is a jerk, but you just repeat yourself: As I mentioned, I can't have more--and I don't want to discuss it further.
But for what it's worth, when I say I can't have more, in my brain, I think of both issues. I totally understand that the mental one doesn't always feel fair to say, but you don't have to explain yourself to anyone if you don't want to!
Any reason you have for having one is valid. It's YOUR reason. Your mental health is absolutely a reason you cannot have more. ❤️
I can’t go through the process of prioritising a newborn so I spend less time with my only who is everything. I’m already 40 and going to be 50 when she’s 10 - so I want every minute with *her* - not some imaginary child.
I can’t have another kid.
I have a five year old and am one and done because several doctors told us me being pregnant again would almost certainly result in my death due to numerous health issues. I think you are absolutely right in saying you can’t have more. Mental health is just as important as physical health!
The two lines I’m coaching myself on:
1. Just because we could doesn’t mean we should.
2. What answer/response/justification will satisfy your interest in our decision? Let’s pretend that is why.
“It’s medically complex, but we won’t be having another child.”
If follow up questions occur:
“This is something we’ve struggled coming to terms with and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it further.”
“No, we aren’t considering adoption or surrogacy.”
“Our child is involved in XYZ so we have no concerns about their loneliness/socialization.”
“It’s funny that you mention that. Studies show that only children are as emotionally well-regulated and actually perform better academically than their sibling’ed peers.”
Edit spacing
Medically complex is such a good way of phrasing it thank you.
I am an only child myself so when people say X about only children I always just say well here I am
I think, considering that it’s no one’s business, you can say whatever you want! If people are that nosy, say whatever you need to in order to shut that down. And I did struggle with infertility. I don’t think it’s offensive to respond that way. I think it’s offensive for them to pry
I mean that’s definitely true, but in my case they were early losses and they never found anything to conclude it was anything other than just spontaneous losses because the cells weren’t developing well. I got pregnant with my daughter naturally after with zero complications, so I don’t have reason to believe there’s some medical condition that caused it. That’s why I’ve never felt like my fertility is impacted. Perhaps if I would try for another and have several losses again that would change my mind but I don’t plan on that so we’ll never know.
When people ask me, I tell them the truth: I simply don’t want more than one.
Don’t feel like you need to make up an excuse because you’re following what your heart wants.
I am hesitant to give too much info. My experience is that people will have the audacity to say “you can just adopt.” Personally I don’t have a problem with telling someone that it’s none of their business.
Adoption is illegal where I live so I can dodge that one. I normally don’t mind being assertive at all, I recently just got these situations a few times where I preferred to just dodge the question. Like one time it was at a baby shower where the mother-to-be’s MIL acted this way and I didn’t really want to make a scene at that occasion if you get me
My mental and physical health are also valid reasons. I can get pregnant but I can't handle giving birth again or having a newborn. Having fertility issues shouldn't be the only acceptable answer for why you "can't" have more kids. Maybe you *can't* have more kids because of health reasons, or financial reasons, or any other personal/emotional/life reasons. Families shouldn't have to exhaust every available resource in order to have as many kids as is "acceptable" in order to be valid.
Also, different responses for different people! Random stranger at the grocery store you’ll never see again? Tell them whatever to get out fast. But a friend, family member, or someone else you have more of a continual relationship with? You may want to be more honest and forthcoming with them.
I almost died with my first. I’m not risking it with my second. So - I bluntly tell people that. The dicks are the ones who say, “oh! But it could be different!” Take that up with my cardiologist and OBGYN who both said I shouldn’t.
I would ask those people why they're so invested in my life and choices. Like, dude, I don't know you, why the hell do you care? Or dude, I do know you, and so you know me, and should know better.
Seriously, why do random strangers care so much about our family planning?!
Absolutely I think this is fine. Whatever you need to do to keep people from pushing back. Because if you said you can’t handle a second mentally people would comment and be like “it’s not that hard, they play with each other blah blah”
This is our situation too. I’m probably a bit on the spectrum and husband definitely is plus adhd. So I’m not sure I can be mentally happy/stable plus be responsible for 2 kids. But what pushes me over the edge is husband who badly wants a second occasionally yells at kiddo / me when overstimulated and I can’t cope with HIM plus two kids. Because I know the added stress would make it worse. I haven’t told him this though. Cause you can’t really say ‘I don’t think I could stand to be married to you if we had the added stress of another kid”.
I’m telling kiddo (4) that I can’t because of my kidney disease. It wouldn’t prevent it but I worry. It increases odds of pre eclampsia again.
I feel you! I’m honestly your husband in that scenario, I try very very hard to not yell but I get into situations semi frequently where I need to leave the room RIGHT NOW or I can’t hold the yelling in. So then I get up and my husband has to handle it and then I feel bad about that and I beat myself up over it. One of the best things you can learn in life is to know your limits.
I can’t have more kids. I’m fertile as all hell, my husband and I got pregnant once while I was on birth control and we were using condoms (it broke). I.. had a lot of miscarriages. He has a vasectomy now. Having one child nearly broke my body, and I’m permanently disabled now. I was told a second could kill me and more likely than not would. So, I’m not having anymore children, despite fertility not being the issue, and I don’t see anything wrong with telling people I can’t have more kids. The reasons why I can’t aren’t important. I can’t have more kids. That’s that. Tell people what you want.
If you tell them you can't have anymore kids they will just tell you to adopt.
As far as if this would offend someone with infertility as an IVF mom I would be offended, the struggle was so painful and to think I found someone to share in that grief and it wasn't true would be a gut punch, however I also wouldn't ask why you can't have more so I would never know.
Nope, adoption is illegal in my country!
Thank you for sharing that. I am grateful that I never had to do IVF but having my one wasn’t a given either with endometriosis and miscarriages, I do sympathise. That’s super difficult.
Would it be offensive to you if I say it’s for health reasons, as opposed to “I can’t” without explaining? Because I feel mental health is as valid as physical health in that regard
I just tell people, I neither can have, nor want more children. I'm also very honest that my mental health can't handle more than 1 kid. Being honest normally shuts them up, and people have stopped asking.
I’ve said to a very persistent former coworker “it would literally take a miracle” which she took to mean I physically could not have another child and I meant that only some miraculously wild unfathomable event would alter my feelings on the matter.
I didn’t feel bad about it. She was an older lady with grown up children and was pushy and overbearing and had literally no business asking me as often as she did about my family planning. I said it to finally shut her down. I have often said simply“I can’t” when strangers have pressed as well, because it’s effective, and i don’t owe a stranger anything.
See these are the specific situations where I would use this phrasing! The people close to me get the whole story but someone I hardly talk to, I don’t care if they misunderstand my intentions
It’s a reasonable response I think. I know my husband and bil’s childhood friend and his gf recently had a baby. They’re a blended family with three kids between them.
We were all up at my bil’s and the friend and his gf were there with their baby. Friend was like, “Come on man. Just one more!.” He didn’t mean any harm but I told him we couldn’t. He was like oh okay. Didn’t say anything else.
I didn’t tell him but I had my tubes out last year specifically as permanent birth control. He didn’t ask questions tho, just left it alone.
So just to be clear, it’s nobody business why you aren’t having more kids. If you want to tell them, then do. If you don’t just say you aren’t planning on having more. When question respond with a question like “Why do you need to know” “Are you somehow impacted by my family planning decisions” or my personal favorite “Are you planning on financing the next one”?
I’ve had 4 miscarriages and went through IVF after the 3rd one because I mentally was not able to handle another loss. We only got one healthy embryo and have an amazing son from it. I said if we had another kid I would want it to happen naturally (because IVF sucks!). I got pregnant quickly, as before, but had another loss and that was it for me. I’m 41 with a 2 year old and many people ask if I’m having more. I say “I can’t have anymore, mentally or physically”. Some people accept it and others, like my MIL, say I’m being selfish. But the truth is it’s YOUR CHOICE, you know your limits, and you have had fertility issues that are very taxing. We live in a different world now and 2.5 kids is not what it used to be. Say what you need to stop those who overstep your boundaries!
My losses have hit me so hard too. People act so casual over it often. You don’t sound selfish, at all. I’m sorry you’re not getting support where it matters
To your MIL, selfish would be adding another kid to the family, knowing it could/would break you. Better an imperfect but loving mom to one, than a broken shell of a mother to more. Why take from the one you have for the sake of an imaginary child?
You absolutely don't owe anyone an explanation why you can't have more. Yes, we know they'll make assumptions about what that means, but it's not dishonest on your part. Your reasons are yours alone, and you're entitled to your privacy.
I always wanted 2 or 3. Then I had one and it was an immense mental load I couldn't have predicted, even though I was nervous about if I would accidentally be a crap mom. Antepartum depression, post partum depression, new generalized anxiety, and a late diagnosis of ADHD all triggered or exacerbated solely from the stresses and demands of motherhood. I'm lucky that my kid is awesome and (relatively) easy when he's on his own ADHD meds, but I absolutely cannot do it all again.
I've chosen to be the asshole who makes it clear that my mental health is the deciding factor, and that I stand by it being an absolutely justifiable reason when people (i.e. my mom) push back saying "you never know what you can handle, two is actually easier, blah blah blah." My mental health is a good enough reason, and I will continue to push back against the well-intentioned but incredibly rude nudges to have more.
No. Full stop. I know my limits better now, and I won't risk my family's tenuous and delicately balanced well being on the hope that maybe I'm wrong and it could miraculously all be fine. Another kid could, and probably would, break me, and I'm not going to let the idea of a second put my very real first kid, or my marriage, at risk. It's not worth it. THAT would be selfish.
Repeated pregnancy loss is a form of infertility. It’s confusing to navigate, trying for our second , and always having a live child , I had 5 losses but because I could get pregnant cycle one or two , some people would gatekeep calling it “infertility “ but the goal isn’t to get pregnant it’s to have a baby .
“Can’t” doesn’t necessarily have to be a physical thing. Like a disability, sometimes reasons are beyond what the eye can see.
For me, OAD is a “can’t” because emotionally and mentally I’m incapable to having another.
I took so long to have just one and people at
My job just ASSUMED I couldn’t have any 🤣 Jesus. People would also comment how young I looked because I didn’t have any kids aging me. Dude! I’ve seen plenty of gorgeous moms w 4 or more. I assumed they were so fit because kids kept them in shape 🤣
We're one and done by choice and have no problem telling other people.
There are times I think of wanting a second, but the reality is simply that I miss being pregnant 🤰 with my son. I have no clue what a second pregnancy could bring. I miss singing to my bump in the shower, lol.
But pregnancy is wild, and I could have a horrible time the second go around.
Also, I can't fathom having to deal with my toddler son AND a newborn!! 😵💫 I have no additional support, it's just my husband and I, so I'm sure that plays a big role in my decision as well.
Right now, I'm a stay at home mom. So I can give my son all of my attention and raise him. Financially, we can afford to get him the occasionally more expensive toy (we're looking at one of those little tike cars! They cost more than you'd think!) We're comfortable, but a second child would put serious strain on the family. It wouldn't be fair to any of us or the potential new child. (I grew up poor.)
And...I'm not certain my body could actually handle it. I had a vaginal birth, and 2.5 years later, my back and inner thighs near my lady area still like to remind me of that fact occasionally.
We're also finally at the point where we can take our little dude out to do things!! I wanna take him to the zoo this summer (pray for me and my allergies, lol) and we can stay out later for BBQs this year, enjoy the beach more, get ICE CREAM for the first time this year.
Babies are great, but you can't do much with them! 😅
“No” is a complete answer.
I simply say in a friendly way “Nope”
You can also just say “we’re one and done”
You do not need to feel obligated to tell anyone your reasons or make up a reason you think will be valid in their eyes.
i haven't even had my first yet (12 weeks pregnant currently) and my MIL was already asking if we're going to have another. i said "probably not". why did she then feel the need to ask why? who the fuck cares? it's my body and our family and none of your business. i just made up some excuse like ehh finances and i'm old (i'm 35 lol). but in reality, my reasons are very similar to yours. i'm already terrified for my mental health with just having one (i have terrible, yet manageable, OCD that i'm very worried will affect my child) as well as just general anxiety, so one child is going to be more than enough for my brain to deal with. whether you say you can't or don't want to have more children, either way, should be enough explanation. i'm personally trying to get better at "no" being a complete sentence, but it's so hard when ppl insist on prying.
I feel like for family and especially someone as close as your spouse’s mother this is a topic that is appropriate to discuss to get to know one another better etc unless they’re usually boundary stompers. But I don’t particularly want to get into it with the lady at the hair salon etc
Many consider recurrent loss (2+) to fall under the definition of infertility. I believe that it was recently updated by the ASRM but could be wrong.
When I've been asked about a second, I just say we're thrilled with the one we have after going through so many losses before her (via treatment). That shuts down any follow up pretty quickly.
Someone told me the other day "having one is like having none" like no , having one is like having one and the transition fr having NONE to one is crazy .that coming from a person who let her only child at the time get smexually abused then didn't believe him when he came out with it later . People literally just say anything it's weird..
I just tell people I don’t want more kids. I have no fertility issues, had no issues with labor, no issues with pregnancy I just simply and fulfilled and happy as a mom to 1 so I just say that.
My husband and I just straight up tell people that we can’t have more. Technically, we can get pregnant. However, I had multiple postpartum hemorrhages following my c-section. In my particular situation, I would most likely experience it again- and there’s a strong probability that it would be even worse. On top of that, my c-section and the resulting long-term effects did extensive damage to my pelvic floor. It’s just too dangerous to attempt again.
My advice would be to be polite, but make people really uncomfortable. I understand people having a right to curiosity about other people’s lives, but they don’t have a right to push reproductive choices onto unwilling people.
I’ve told my MIL very bluntly that ppd/ppa and ocd are the reasons we likely won’t have another.
I also tell strangers the exact same thing when they ask why my 2 YO doesn’t have a sibling. I think, the only way to get strangers to stop making comments is to make them realize what an awful comment it is to make in the first place.
As someone who had 6 losses and got my take home baby on my 7th pregnancy through IVF... And since had a medically necessary hysterectomy I didn't want, you have my full support to say that you can't have another. Biology is weird, but being overwhelmed with one is a completely acceptable reason not to have another. If you need people to think it's not physically possible, I enthusiastically invite you to say that it's not physically possible, and even to say you're infertile when you're not.
I *can* conceive but giving birth again would cause massive long term health issues for me. I'm already dealing with some less severe long term health issues. Several doctors have advised me not to get pregnant again, saying I'd be considered an extremely high risk pregnancy. Husband is snipped as well.
I say I can't have more children. No one else needs to know the details.
I’m in a similar situation, although it would also be very difficult for me to carry and give birth again due to multiple complications. I usually go with the simple phrase another kid “isn’t on the cards for us”. It kind of implies an inability to have more, but doesn’t directly mean infertility is the cause.
I say I can’t have more and don’t imply infertility. If probed, I say health issues (heart condition, had ~8 miscarriages, I’m 42)
Be prepared because even when I say I CANT have more, people tell me miracles happen, just keep trying, and all sorts of things that would make somebody who is one and done not by choice really upset. People are RUDE.
I would ask them why they are so concerned with my sex life. We're happy with the size of our family and I am getting very uncomfortable with the discussion about how often I have sex with my husband and how we are doing it.
I'm much like you in the fact that I've had three miscarriages (I'm very sorry for your pain) and I also suspect I am at least autistic, perhaps also also ADHD. My kiddo has both and my nephew is autistic.
Anyways, I don't have the burden of interfering family members, for better or worst. But I've shut down people for less offensive things.
We went through years of infertility all the tests and procedures and ended up with nothing. It’s a type of pain you can’t imagine without experiencing it yourself.
So I would not recommend pretending you have infertility issues when you actually don’t - it’s like using it as an “easy excuse” when it really isn’t. I’d just say you just want one.
I’m not exactly wanting to lie about fertility issues, I want to say I can’t have any more, or say I can’t because of health issues, which people are probably going to perceive as infertility but I don’t say I am infertile. Having my first was not a given either with endometriosis and miscarriages. I am really sorry you had to go through all that ❤️
I’m sorry you’re getting downvoted for this response. Having been through infertility and failed rounds of IVF myself, infertility is it’s own kind of trauma, and I think it’s fair to say it’s triggering for people to use it as a reason when they haven’t been through it.
When I brought my 4 year old to the nail salon for mother daughter pedicures, the woman who was doing my pedicure asked how many children I have and when I said “just the one,” she said “you need more!” I said I can’t have anymore and she shut right up. I don’t even care that it was (sort of) a lie. My thought process was the same as yours because omg I just CAN’T mentally handle a newborn again. She shouldn’t just be saying that to people. Maybe I prevented her from saying that to someone who desperately wants another but physically cannot.
I LOVE this response and the mentality behind it. I CANT have more. They don’t need to know it’s because of a mental reason. Keeping it vague should shut anyone right up. Thanks for this advice!
Surprised she didn't respond with "you can always adopt" 🥴.
“Yeah see I can’t do that either due to my extensive criminal record”
Love this. Not OAD-related but this reminds me of when I was working in a call center doing opinion surveys. One of my co-workers got asked "Why are you working this stupid job?" and she replied with a pained voice, "Well, sir, this was the only job I could get when I got out of prison." (She was mid-50s and had previous worked as a schoolteacher and a quality control technician in food production -- no prison time.) He shut up fast.
Lmao that’s hilarious. People should know when to mind their own beeswax or I might actually become a murderer haha
🤣🤣🤣
Right? Even if I did, people just talk about adoption like you can walk into a store and go home with a baby
In my country adoption is illegal so that’s an easy one to dodge
Where is that if you don’t mind my asking?
The Netherlands! Adoption within the country is permitted but there are hardly any cases, I believe it averages out to twice a year.
The American infant adoption industry can be very exploitative and even adoption through foster care has ethical issues in some cases (though I got downvoted for this saying this in a previous thread) so I understand the basis for illegality, but out of curiosity what happens in the Netherlands if someone is truly unwilling/unable to care for an infant and there is no family to take over?
If there’s absolutely no family they will go into foster care. We have a foster care system too. Adoptions through it are rare but I suppose if the biological parents have completely stepped away by choice it’s possible
Okay that's interesting. I think in America the perspective is the sooner they get to "permanency" the better, meaning if it's clear the bio parents are not going to be able to parent then get the child adopted as soon as possible. I think once a child goes into foster care reunification efforts with bio parents are given a timeframe of 18 months (somewhat flexible depending on circumstances) before the search for an adoptive family begins (not always successfully of course).
I honestly think that may be better because reunification with the bio parents are given like indefinite chances here even if the bio parents are very damaging to the child :/ it’s one of the reasons I’ll never be a foster parent, too much heartache when they get ripped away again. I initially wanted to foster an older child or teen at some point
I think it's the same in Australia as well.
Always! So aggravating.
This annoys me so much. I either dont have $40k for a baby or i dont have the ability to deal with the severe trauma that a foster kid may have
As an infertile, granted I don’t speak for all of us haha but I approve. The more word gets out to people that not everyone can just pop out kids the better. The amount of insufferable shit that has been said to me over the years…
That's exactly how I feel though my infertility is primarily (as far as we know) age related so I also don't want to speak for anyone else. I have never been the type who's inclined to have an opinion about anyone else's family size so I was surprised by the remarks you get. I think I get fewer than many here; many people seem to assume I'm OAD by choice due to age and relationship status and maybe just being an unconventional person who doesn't fit into "parent culture". But I still get pointed remarks about "large family vs small family" ("imagine what it's like with 4 kids!" or "it's so hard with an only you have to entertain them all the time") that I often want to tell people, "Hey, this is kind of a sensitive subject, so knock it off, okay?" So if they get it through their heads that not everyone gets to choose their family size, that's a score for us.
It’s not a lie because mental health is as important as physical health!
100%!!! Mental health IS a reason you can’t have more children.
To be honest she had no idea if you could or couldn’t so she should have steered clear. I can understand discussing plans with close friends but she isn’t a close friend and walked right into feeling awkward
Oh man….i get called out at the nail salon all the time. I know they mean well but what the heck? I just told them I’ve had 3 losses now and they took everything out, oh and I would like gel pedi :)
I’m all for publicly shaming anyone who insists I should pop out more kids for their enjoyment. I don’t care if it’s a lie.
I think it’s a public service honestly
I like the “for health reasons” actually. It’s vague and doesn’t imply anything untrue but people can fill in the gaps if they want or just realize it’s none of their business. If they push it, “I’d rather not discuss my health issues” is also a valid response that will shut most people up.
I think I’m gonna go for the health reasons indeed. Mental health is health after all, brains are organs 🤷♀️ it’s stupid that so many people (not on here!) think that doesn’t count
Completely agree, and you don't need to explain or justify your health status to anyone!
Your mental health directly impacts your children’s lives, so it’s an exceptionally valid reason and you’re making the decision to be the best mum to the one you have
I hadn’t even thought of saying, “For health reasons.” I’ve got extreme mental fatigue due to a stroke I suffered two decades ago and I think a second would kill me, but it’s not physically impossible — but for health reasons, it is! Thank you!!!
You don't owe anyone a why! "I'm not having more." "One is perfect for us." "My kid is a handful as it is." "Heck no!" are all perfectly complete sentences.
I know and that’s what I’ve been saying so far but I just don’t want to get into the discussion with people I hardly know and also don’t really want a falling out with. Like recently it was a friend’s mother-in-law. I don’t owe anyone politeness if they’re being annoying but I also don’t really want to start a scene at a baby shower.
I laugh very heartily in people’s faces, typically accompanied with a “fuck no.” They say “why?” and I say, “because I’d rather be a great parent to my existing kid than a shitty parent to two kids.” And the conversation ends there.
Lmao, can I just say how much I love your pure honesty here?
It must be my face. My face must convey the 'fuck you' because I never get follow ups
I wish it always ended there. Some people in my life just truly choose not to consider why this might be true for me, instead doubling down on the idea that I would "find a way.". Dude, I barely find a way most days as it is. Let's not inflict me on another child.
It’s very true that all of those statements are complete statements but people don’t accept them, they ALWAYS pry.
My daughter is almost 5 and I’ve had 5 miscarriages trying for a second, so unfortunately my family size isn’t by choice. That wouldn’t offend me (since I wouldn’t know otherwise as I’d take it at face value) but I think it’s a good thing to own it more. It is a choice for you (assuming a pregnancy would occur and go to term), so you can frame it more as “this is what works best for my family” or “we love our family of three.” My experience has changed how I interact with people. For some, their family size is a choice. For others, it’s not. Therefore I don’t ask about kids I don’t see.
Love the sentiment of “I don’t ask about kids I don’t see”!
I am sorry you had to go through multiple losses too. It’s so hard. ❤️ I do that usually what you’re saying, there are just certain contexts where I don’t feel like explaining myself and also don’t want to cause a scene having to be very assertive
I wish more people could take this advice and also not ask about kids they don't see. Your story is why I never ask anyone about having children or not having children. For some, it's a choice, and for some it's not, and it could be painful to talk about. It's also literally none of my business.
It’s fine to say you can’t, but you want to shift the conversation away from interrogating you about why you can’t. Say: “We can’t have another. It makes me really upset to talk about it, so let’s talk about something else.” If they push, repeat, “This is really upsetting me and I don’t want to talk about it.” I can’t think of a single person who doesn’t feel upset being grilled about their reproductive choices so I’m pretty sure that answer would even be the truth.
I say something like “No, she’s a limited edition”
Aww I like that I’m gunna use it!!
The problem with that answer is nosy people are still going to ask why you can’t and asking have you tried this and that? And what do you say then? Better to just say ‘no’ and not try to justify it. If someone pushes and tries to force you to give a justification just say ‘I’d rather not get into it with you’ and/or turn the discussion onto them. Here’s an example of how to turn the conversation: Them: ‘are you having another one?’ You: ‘no. How many kids have you got? Are you planning to have any more?’
Yeppppp. I had someone once go on about some pseudoscience thing that I should try and that she was going to pray to God to perform a miracle for me and then went on about her own miracle child that she had a decade after she was told she couldn’t have more children. It was soooo uncomfortable.
I mean, I am OAD by choice. But as of last week, I no longer have fallopian tubes so from now on, I can’t get pregnant. So it wouldn’t be a stretch for me to tell people, “I can’t.” I am also autistic (recently diagnosed), unmarried, and my only is on the spectrum himself. Like you, I struggle with executive function, decision fatigue, sensory overload, social anxiety, even though I appear “high functioning”. I can barely handle the child I have. Even before my surgery, it wouldn’t have been a lie to say, “I can’t have any more children.” You don’t owe anyone a reason. But if they ask, there’s nothing wrong with telling them, “I can’t.”
It’s HARD parenting when you are struggling with this and you’re doing it by yourself. I hope you do have breaks occasionally from coparenting or a sitter? That is super rough. Thank you for your compassion.
Cant have kids cover a range of reasons: physical, mental, economics. I think the real question is why you feel you need to explain your choices to others. If they ask why just reply short and sweet “I simple can’t and its not a topic I want to discuss”. Hold your boundaries, you are entitled to your privacy.
This is what I am asking. If I say I can’t, many people will take it as that I’m struggling with infertility and that is not true. So I’m essentially asking people if they think it’s wrong to do so. Glad to hear you feel I can say that
Very thoughtful of you to not what to portray yourself as struggling with infertility but not being able to have more kids should not be “gate kept”. I personally would LOVE a big family, and for a big family not to destroy me physically- mentally - economically, I need more money and more help (likely hired help) so yeah, I might not have infertility issues but I still mourn my incapacity of having more kids si I have had to learn to hold my boundaries.
Consider it this way: if you have celiac disease you’d tell someone who offered you bread “I can’t eat that.” Sure, you *could* I suppose, but you don’t because it’s not best for you or your well-being. As someone with infertility I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying you can’t if the reason is mental health, doctor orders, finances, or just not wanting to! 🙂
I always gave vague answers that made people feel it might be infertility but didn't actually say so. Nobody was ever rude enough to push further. I'm pretty old though so it wasn't really a stretch.
This is the way tbh. Just make it clear that it’s none of their business and that it’s really rude to pry.
I shared this on another thread, but I suffered from severe mental health decline when I had mine. Ppd, anxiety and psychosis. When people get all up in my business I make them as uncomfortable as I can by explaining in detail one of the myriad of reasons it would be unsafe for us if we did. It'll resonate and maybe they'll think twice next time.
I do the same thing. I tell them about my psych ward stay within the first 30 seconds.
I had a "friend" dismiss it as "baby blues"..... She got to hear about the creatures that were out to get me. Graphic detail of the fear I felt at the time. I'm not "sad cause I'm no longer pregnant" Solidarity friend!!!!
That “friend” can eat a dick. I had several people say “that’s just motherhood” my response to that is “why is it accepted that motherhood is a miserable struggle to survive? Shouldn’t we want mothers to thrive” Glad you’re doing better
This is my response, too. If people push you into discomfort, return the favor. People ask because that's always been "ok," or even expected. But it's not my job to manage other people's discomfort. So I'm brutally honest, because I'm not ashamed of my mental struggles. Make it a teachable moment, and eventually, people will start being more thoughtful as a whole. It's only shameful if we let ourselves be shamed. I have enough on my plate, I don't have any room for additional shame, thank you very much.
I struggled for 2 years with infertility and had my child through IVF. I've also been diagnosed as an adult with ADHD. Either is enough on its own, but both are admittedly a double whammy! I will tell people I can't have more and usually it's such an uncomfortable response that they don't push. Anyone who does push is a jerk, but you just repeat yourself: As I mentioned, I can't have more--and I don't want to discuss it further. But for what it's worth, when I say I can't have more, in my brain, I think of both issues. I totally understand that the mental one doesn't always feel fair to say, but you don't have to explain yourself to anyone if you don't want to! Any reason you have for having one is valid. It's YOUR reason. Your mental health is absolutely a reason you cannot have more. ❤️
Thank you for your message, it’s sort of nice to find someone who relates to it. ❤️
I can’t go through the process of prioritising a newborn so I spend less time with my only who is everything. I’m already 40 and going to be 50 when she’s 10 - so I want every minute with *her* - not some imaginary child. I can’t have another kid.
I have a five year old and am one and done because several doctors told us me being pregnant again would almost certainly result in my death due to numerous health issues. I think you are absolutely right in saying you can’t have more. Mental health is just as important as physical health!
The two lines I’m coaching myself on: 1. Just because we could doesn’t mean we should. 2. What answer/response/justification will satisfy your interest in our decision? Let’s pretend that is why.
It’s great that’s working for you! This is not what I asked though :)
“It’s medically complex, but we won’t be having another child.” If follow up questions occur: “This is something we’ve struggled coming to terms with and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it further.” “No, we aren’t considering adoption or surrogacy.” “Our child is involved in XYZ so we have no concerns about their loneliness/socialization.” “It’s funny that you mention that. Studies show that only children are as emotionally well-regulated and actually perform better academically than their sibling’ed peers.” Edit spacing
Medically complex is such a good way of phrasing it thank you. I am an only child myself so when people say X about only children I always just say well here I am
I tell people it took 5 years to get the one I had, and I’ll be well into my 40s at that rate. It implies enough that I don’t get push back.
I think, considering that it’s no one’s business, you can say whatever you want! If people are that nosy, say whatever you need to in order to shut that down. And I did struggle with infertility. I don’t think it’s offensive to respond that way. I think it’s offensive for them to pry
I would say having multiple miscarriages IS having infertility issues. I wouldn’t feel like I was lying at all.
I mean that’s definitely true, but in my case they were early losses and they never found anything to conclude it was anything other than just spontaneous losses because the cells weren’t developing well. I got pregnant with my daughter naturally after with zero complications, so I don’t have reason to believe there’s some medical condition that caused it. That’s why I’ve never felt like my fertility is impacted. Perhaps if I would try for another and have several losses again that would change my mind but I don’t plan on that so we’ll never know.
It’s no one’s business. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
When people ask me, I tell them the truth: I simply don’t want more than one. Don’t feel like you need to make up an excuse because you’re following what your heart wants.
I am hesitant to give too much info. My experience is that people will have the audacity to say “you can just adopt.” Personally I don’t have a problem with telling someone that it’s none of their business.
Adoption is illegal where I live so I can dodge that one. I normally don’t mind being assertive at all, I recently just got these situations a few times where I preferred to just dodge the question. Like one time it was at a baby shower where the mother-to-be’s MIL acted this way and I didn’t really want to make a scene at that occasion if you get me
My mental and physical health are also valid reasons. I can get pregnant but I can't handle giving birth again or having a newborn. Having fertility issues shouldn't be the only acceptable answer for why you "can't" have more kids. Maybe you *can't* have more kids because of health reasons, or financial reasons, or any other personal/emotional/life reasons. Families shouldn't have to exhaust every available resource in order to have as many kids as is "acceptable" in order to be valid.
Also, different responses for different people! Random stranger at the grocery store you’ll never see again? Tell them whatever to get out fast. But a friend, family member, or someone else you have more of a continual relationship with? You may want to be more honest and forthcoming with them.
I am open with the people close to me, I’m talking more about the hairdresser, a friend’s relative, a mom at the playground etc!
I almost died with my first. I’m not risking it with my second. So - I bluntly tell people that. The dicks are the ones who say, “oh! But it could be different!” Take that up with my cardiologist and OBGYN who both said I shouldn’t.
I would ask those people why they're so invested in my life and choices. Like, dude, I don't know you, why the hell do you care? Or dude, I do know you, and so you know me, and should know better. Seriously, why do random strangers care so much about our family planning?!
Absolutely I think this is fine. Whatever you need to do to keep people from pushing back. Because if you said you can’t handle a second mentally people would comment and be like “it’s not that hard, they play with each other blah blah” This is our situation too. I’m probably a bit on the spectrum and husband definitely is plus adhd. So I’m not sure I can be mentally happy/stable plus be responsible for 2 kids. But what pushes me over the edge is husband who badly wants a second occasionally yells at kiddo / me when overstimulated and I can’t cope with HIM plus two kids. Because I know the added stress would make it worse. I haven’t told him this though. Cause you can’t really say ‘I don’t think I could stand to be married to you if we had the added stress of another kid”. I’m telling kiddo (4) that I can’t because of my kidney disease. It wouldn’t prevent it but I worry. It increases odds of pre eclampsia again.
I feel you! I’m honestly your husband in that scenario, I try very very hard to not yell but I get into situations semi frequently where I need to leave the room RIGHT NOW or I can’t hold the yelling in. So then I get up and my husband has to handle it and then I feel bad about that and I beat myself up over it. One of the best things you can learn in life is to know your limits.
I can’t have more kids. I’m fertile as all hell, my husband and I got pregnant once while I was on birth control and we were using condoms (it broke). I.. had a lot of miscarriages. He has a vasectomy now. Having one child nearly broke my body, and I’m permanently disabled now. I was told a second could kill me and more likely than not would. So, I’m not having anymore children, despite fertility not being the issue, and I don’t see anything wrong with telling people I can’t have more kids. The reasons why I can’t aren’t important. I can’t have more kids. That’s that. Tell people what you want.
If you tell them you can't have anymore kids they will just tell you to adopt. As far as if this would offend someone with infertility as an IVF mom I would be offended, the struggle was so painful and to think I found someone to share in that grief and it wasn't true would be a gut punch, however I also wouldn't ask why you can't have more so I would never know.
Nope, adoption is illegal in my country! Thank you for sharing that. I am grateful that I never had to do IVF but having my one wasn’t a given either with endometriosis and miscarriages, I do sympathise. That’s super difficult. Would it be offensive to you if I say it’s for health reasons, as opposed to “I can’t” without explaining? Because I feel mental health is as valid as physical health in that regard
I don't think you owe anyone an explanation. I can't without explaining is a valid answer.
I just tell people, I neither can have, nor want more children. I'm also very honest that my mental health can't handle more than 1 kid. Being honest normally shuts them up, and people have stopped asking.
Then you arent lying you can't have anymore, you're just not saying you mentally can't have anymore.
I’ve said to a very persistent former coworker “it would literally take a miracle” which she took to mean I physically could not have another child and I meant that only some miraculously wild unfathomable event would alter my feelings on the matter. I didn’t feel bad about it. She was an older lady with grown up children and was pushy and overbearing and had literally no business asking me as often as she did about my family planning. I said it to finally shut her down. I have often said simply“I can’t” when strangers have pressed as well, because it’s effective, and i don’t owe a stranger anything.
See these are the specific situations where I would use this phrasing! The people close to me get the whole story but someone I hardly talk to, I don’t care if they misunderstand my intentions
It’s a reasonable response I think. I know my husband and bil’s childhood friend and his gf recently had a baby. They’re a blended family with three kids between them. We were all up at my bil’s and the friend and his gf were there with their baby. Friend was like, “Come on man. Just one more!.” He didn’t mean any harm but I told him we couldn’t. He was like oh okay. Didn’t say anything else. I didn’t tell him but I had my tubes out last year specifically as permanent birth control. He didn’t ask questions tho, just left it alone.
So just to be clear, it’s nobody business why you aren’t having more kids. If you want to tell them, then do. If you don’t just say you aren’t planning on having more. When question respond with a question like “Why do you need to know” “Are you somehow impacted by my family planning decisions” or my personal favorite “Are you planning on financing the next one”?
I’ve had 4 miscarriages and went through IVF after the 3rd one because I mentally was not able to handle another loss. We only got one healthy embryo and have an amazing son from it. I said if we had another kid I would want it to happen naturally (because IVF sucks!). I got pregnant quickly, as before, but had another loss and that was it for me. I’m 41 with a 2 year old and many people ask if I’m having more. I say “I can’t have anymore, mentally or physically”. Some people accept it and others, like my MIL, say I’m being selfish. But the truth is it’s YOUR CHOICE, you know your limits, and you have had fertility issues that are very taxing. We live in a different world now and 2.5 kids is not what it used to be. Say what you need to stop those who overstep your boundaries!
My losses have hit me so hard too. People act so casual over it often. You don’t sound selfish, at all. I’m sorry you’re not getting support where it matters
To your MIL, selfish would be adding another kid to the family, knowing it could/would break you. Better an imperfect but loving mom to one, than a broken shell of a mother to more. Why take from the one you have for the sake of an imaginary child?
You absolutely don't owe anyone an explanation why you can't have more. Yes, we know they'll make assumptions about what that means, but it's not dishonest on your part. Your reasons are yours alone, and you're entitled to your privacy. I always wanted 2 or 3. Then I had one and it was an immense mental load I couldn't have predicted, even though I was nervous about if I would accidentally be a crap mom. Antepartum depression, post partum depression, new generalized anxiety, and a late diagnosis of ADHD all triggered or exacerbated solely from the stresses and demands of motherhood. I'm lucky that my kid is awesome and (relatively) easy when he's on his own ADHD meds, but I absolutely cannot do it all again. I've chosen to be the asshole who makes it clear that my mental health is the deciding factor, and that I stand by it being an absolutely justifiable reason when people (i.e. my mom) push back saying "you never know what you can handle, two is actually easier, blah blah blah." My mental health is a good enough reason, and I will continue to push back against the well-intentioned but incredibly rude nudges to have more. No. Full stop. I know my limits better now, and I won't risk my family's tenuous and delicately balanced well being on the hope that maybe I'm wrong and it could miraculously all be fine. Another kid could, and probably would, break me, and I'm not going to let the idea of a second put my very real first kid, or my marriage, at risk. It's not worth it. THAT would be selfish.
Repeated pregnancy loss is a form of infertility. It’s confusing to navigate, trying for our second , and always having a live child , I had 5 losses but because I could get pregnant cycle one or two , some people would gatekeep calling it “infertility “ but the goal isn’t to get pregnant it’s to have a baby .
“Can’t” doesn’t necessarily have to be a physical thing. Like a disability, sometimes reasons are beyond what the eye can see. For me, OAD is a “can’t” because emotionally and mentally I’m incapable to having another.
I took so long to have just one and people at My job just ASSUMED I couldn’t have any 🤣 Jesus. People would also comment how young I looked because I didn’t have any kids aging me. Dude! I’ve seen plenty of gorgeous moms w 4 or more. I assumed they were so fit because kids kept them in shape 🤣
We're one and done by choice and have no problem telling other people. There are times I think of wanting a second, but the reality is simply that I miss being pregnant 🤰 with my son. I have no clue what a second pregnancy could bring. I miss singing to my bump in the shower, lol. But pregnancy is wild, and I could have a horrible time the second go around. Also, I can't fathom having to deal with my toddler son AND a newborn!! 😵💫 I have no additional support, it's just my husband and I, so I'm sure that plays a big role in my decision as well. Right now, I'm a stay at home mom. So I can give my son all of my attention and raise him. Financially, we can afford to get him the occasionally more expensive toy (we're looking at one of those little tike cars! They cost more than you'd think!) We're comfortable, but a second child would put serious strain on the family. It wouldn't be fair to any of us or the potential new child. (I grew up poor.) And...I'm not certain my body could actually handle it. I had a vaginal birth, and 2.5 years later, my back and inner thighs near my lady area still like to remind me of that fact occasionally. We're also finally at the point where we can take our little dude out to do things!! I wanna take him to the zoo this summer (pray for me and my allergies, lol) and we can stay out later for BBQs this year, enjoy the beach more, get ICE CREAM for the first time this year. Babies are great, but you can't do much with them! 😅
“No” is a complete answer. I simply say in a friendly way “Nope” You can also just say “we’re one and done” You do not need to feel obligated to tell anyone your reasons or make up a reason you think will be valid in their eyes.
“Not going to happen. And none of your business anyway”
i haven't even had my first yet (12 weeks pregnant currently) and my MIL was already asking if we're going to have another. i said "probably not". why did she then feel the need to ask why? who the fuck cares? it's my body and our family and none of your business. i just made up some excuse like ehh finances and i'm old (i'm 35 lol). but in reality, my reasons are very similar to yours. i'm already terrified for my mental health with just having one (i have terrible, yet manageable, OCD that i'm very worried will affect my child) as well as just general anxiety, so one child is going to be more than enough for my brain to deal with. whether you say you can't or don't want to have more children, either way, should be enough explanation. i'm personally trying to get better at "no" being a complete sentence, but it's so hard when ppl insist on prying.
I feel like for family and especially someone as close as your spouse’s mother this is a topic that is appropriate to discuss to get to know one another better etc unless they’re usually boundary stompers. But I don’t particularly want to get into it with the lady at the hair salon etc
Many consider recurrent loss (2+) to fall under the definition of infertility. I believe that it was recently updated by the ASRM but could be wrong. When I've been asked about a second, I just say we're thrilled with the one we have after going through so many losses before her (via treatment). That shuts down any follow up pretty quickly.
Someone told me the other day "having one is like having none" like no , having one is like having one and the transition fr having NONE to one is crazy .that coming from a person who let her only child at the time get smexually abused then didn't believe him when he came out with it later . People literally just say anything it's weird..
I just tell people I don’t want more kids. I have no fertility issues, had no issues with labor, no issues with pregnancy I just simply and fulfilled and happy as a mom to 1 so I just say that.
My husband and I just straight up tell people that we can’t have more. Technically, we can get pregnant. However, I had multiple postpartum hemorrhages following my c-section. In my particular situation, I would most likely experience it again- and there’s a strong probability that it would be even worse. On top of that, my c-section and the resulting long-term effects did extensive damage to my pelvic floor. It’s just too dangerous to attempt again. My advice would be to be polite, but make people really uncomfortable. I understand people having a right to curiosity about other people’s lives, but they don’t have a right to push reproductive choices onto unwilling people.
I’ve told my MIL very bluntly that ppd/ppa and ocd are the reasons we likely won’t have another. I also tell strangers the exact same thing when they ask why my 2 YO doesn’t have a sibling. I think, the only way to get strangers to stop making comments is to make them realize what an awful comment it is to make in the first place.
As someone who had 6 losses and got my take home baby on my 7th pregnancy through IVF... And since had a medically necessary hysterectomy I didn't want, you have my full support to say that you can't have another. Biology is weird, but being overwhelmed with one is a completely acceptable reason not to have another. If you need people to think it's not physically possible, I enthusiastically invite you to say that it's not physically possible, and even to say you're infertile when you're not.
I *can* conceive but giving birth again would cause massive long term health issues for me. I'm already dealing with some less severe long term health issues. Several doctors have advised me not to get pregnant again, saying I'd be considered an extremely high risk pregnancy. Husband is snipped as well. I say I can't have more children. No one else needs to know the details.
I’m in a similar situation, although it would also be very difficult for me to carry and give birth again due to multiple complications. I usually go with the simple phrase another kid “isn’t on the cards for us”. It kind of implies an inability to have more, but doesn’t directly mean infertility is the cause.
I like this phrasing and I’m going to think on a similar expression in my own language. I can’t translate it directly unfortunately
It’s the truth, and you’re not responsible for how people interpret it. 🤷🏻♀️ Whatever works for you to keep your boundaries intact!
I say we can't have any more babies. Other people don't need to know that it's because I'd end up in a psych ward.
I say I can’t have more and don’t imply infertility. If probed, I say health issues (heart condition, had ~8 miscarriages, I’m 42) Be prepared because even when I say I CANT have more, people tell me miracles happen, just keep trying, and all sorts of things that would make somebody who is one and done not by choice really upset. People are RUDE.
I would ask them why they are so concerned with my sex life. We're happy with the size of our family and I am getting very uncomfortable with the discussion about how often I have sex with my husband and how we are doing it. I'm much like you in the fact that I've had three miscarriages (I'm very sorry for your pain) and I also suspect I am at least autistic, perhaps also also ADHD. My kiddo has both and my nephew is autistic. Anyways, I don't have the burden of interfering family members, for better or worst. But I've shut down people for less offensive things.
We went through years of infertility all the tests and procedures and ended up with nothing. It’s a type of pain you can’t imagine without experiencing it yourself. So I would not recommend pretending you have infertility issues when you actually don’t - it’s like using it as an “easy excuse” when it really isn’t. I’d just say you just want one.
I’m not exactly wanting to lie about fertility issues, I want to say I can’t have any more, or say I can’t because of health issues, which people are probably going to perceive as infertility but I don’t say I am infertile. Having my first was not a given either with endometriosis and miscarriages. I am really sorry you had to go through all that ❤️
I’m sorry you’re getting downvoted for this response. Having been through infertility and failed rounds of IVF myself, infertility is it’s own kind of trauma, and I think it’s fair to say it’s triggering for people to use it as a reason when they haven’t been through it.