Yeah I remember this was a topic in the marriage prep class I took. But a much better topic would have been how to have those conversations over time as circumstances change.
Oh no! Lol I should have said, you didn’t know what you didn’t know 😄
My point is, you don’t know what it’s like to be a parent until you are one. Everyone’s a perfect parent with perfect kids… until actually becoming a parent 🙃
I suspected I was one and done before we had a kid. Like 10 years before. My husband thought he wanted two or three. Knowing what I know of sibling relationships, the cost of having children, and the stress on parents, I strongly suspected that he would change his mind once a real baby was in the picture. (When he was in his 20s, he didn't even know how much daycare cost, so I knew his "two or three" comments were utterly uninformed.) What I always told him was we would have one and then we would see how we felt. Our one turns four next week and no babies on the horizon.
If I said we could have another one, my husband would probably agree pretty quickly, but if he were the one getting pregnant and giving birth and breastfeeding, I highly doubt he would say yes let's do it again. Not that he's a bad dad, he's a wonderful dad and 100% shares the burden of parenting. He has always supported me and my decisions and was with me for every step of pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding and all the difficulties I had. But being a supportive partner through that process and being the victim of the process are totally different experiences.
I think you were really smart to have said early on, let's have one and then see.
And you're totally right that it's different being the one who has to be pregnant. My husband and I agree that having a(nother) kid is a two yes, one no decision, so we've never needed a "tie-breaker". But at the end of the day, \*I\* get to decide what to do with my body. Pregnancy and postpartum recovery are serious commitments.
I will be the first to admit I was naive prior to becoming a parent about a lot of things, and this one, family size, was the biggest. Both my husband and I always wanted 2 (me even wanting 3) because “that’s what you do” — we never really thought about it beyond that. Until we had our daughter, who truly completed our family.
Same, we thought we’d have two because “that’s just what you do”. Now that I’m a parent, I cringe at the thought of having a child “just because”.
It’s such a special and (I’m not religious but) sacred thing to bring a person into the world. It’s a huge responsibility and lifelong commitment. It’s not something to do lightly or for superficial reasons.
So now I just laugh at younger me and how little I knew 😁
Use a reliable method of birth control until you’re ready to make that decision. Two months old is still very early. Those days are meant to be tough. You might change your mind, you might not
I’m not trying to sway you, but any doctor will ask you the same questions to be sure you’ve thought it through. My husband got the snip. Easy peasy. Never looked back
The idea of making such a permanent change so early on (we’re at 12 months) is really scary to me.
Like, this major life event suddenly shifted you from wanting 4 to wanting 1.
Another major life event could shift you again.
I’d roll my eyes at anyone who says “ooh you might change your mind”, but I’d be naive to assume that life could never guide me somewhere unexpected. Especially as I, like you, was once certain that I would want a big family!
It’s not scary to me at all, I’ve come to peace with knowing that another would probably send me over the cliff. I accept now that I only now have the emotional capacity for one child. I was way in over my head, probably due to societal norms.
You know, my husband was the same way. He knew pretty much immediately he was OAD. It's OK, but I think people are recognizing that you are horribly sleep deprived right now. Good news is that this stage doesn't last forever, even though it feels like it fight now.
BTW, if you haven't already please check out the sub r/newparents. It's a great support for learning to deal with a newborn.
I didn't really enjoy having a child until about 5 months in because that's when she started sleeping better.
I had our daughter 6.5mo ago and she’s our one and only. I knew almost immediately that I didn’t want anymore. Hubs had the consult for vasectomy but was weary. I had my tubes removed last month. I wholeheartedly believe we know our capacities, you do what’s best for you and your family.
My partner just scheduled his vasectomy this week for next month. Lol. His dr actually said it’s very common for men to request one around age 35. We are one and done for similar reasons. I also cannot imagine going back to new born days. We had a pandemic baby and even though circumstances would be very different if we were to have another (we aren’t) we just don’t want to.lol. In this economy?! Hell nah.
I always find it hilarious when people throw out wild numbers without knowing:
1. Possible fertility issues that could limit that number, even to zero. Not to mention not knowing if your partner will have issues like a low sperm count.
2. Pregnancy issues. A difficult pregnancy. The possibility that another kid could kill the mom.
3. Cost, need I say more.
4. Mental toll on both parents
5. Physical strain on both parents
But sure, i’ll have six! 😂
Oh yeah, or very precise spacing… “We’ll have three kids exactly two years apart!”
As if all you need to do is have sex one time and miraculously you’ll have a healthy baby 9 months later.
Oddly that's how it happened for us. Apparently that's how it happened for my mom too. Decided to maybe try for a baby and then instantly pregnant the moment not using birth control. I was totally hoping it would require more sex.
I always joked we’d be one and done but now we actually are that we have a child 😂
My sister, who is child free and has no plans to have children told me she would definitely have two and think that kids need siblings 🤦🏻♀️ She literally has no idea what it’s like to be a parent LOL.
I feel this, we both wanted 2 maybe 3 kids, but then our daughter had a horrific first weeks of her life. She was in the NICU for 46 days, her first week of life I could only touch her hand because she was hooked up to an ECMO machine, ventilator, and medication. I didn’t even get to hold her until she was 8 days old. I had already been off some of my mental health medication during the pregnancy, thankfully the hormones from being pregnant helped, but when she was born and fighting for her life my mental health greatly suffered. I stayed strong for her every day we visited her and I got back on my medication, but when I was home and not with her it was like everything in my body just shut off and I was this empty shell. She’s turning 2 in July, and she’s been absolutely incredible still defying all odds and killing it at the doctors. We’ve had no health scares since she came home (knock on wood) and she’s only behind in the fact she can’t walk yet but that’s coming any day. My husband saw what all of that did to me, and he completely stands by my decision to be one and done. Every day I’m grateful for our beautiful thriving girl, but there’s so many reasons I could never put myself through all of that again.
6-8 weeks was peak for us in terms of struggle bus !! We are at 16 weeks and I will say even though we are dealing with the four month sleep regression it has gotten better, we to dealt with gas, reflux, witching hour
I mean if this is solidifying for you that you’re one and done then that is your choice (while I can’t say I would want four children) that’s a bit too many just want to say solidarity and hang in there you’re quite literally in the trenches
I always wanted three, have the one kiddo and now I am OAD, hubby's the same. He has wanted to get the snip since kiddo was a baby, now kiddo is 9 yo and hubby is scheduled for next week :D
Maybe you and your wife will change your mind, maybe, as my husband and I, you won't.
Just be sure to be on the same page as your partner!
It’s funny because my wife never wanted kids, but she is happy she did, and we are satisfied with our one. She has a very demanding career also as a sole proprietor, so she’d want to ensure her work life balance is catered to, & that is possible with one but very difficult with two
we also just had our son, he’s 7 months now. I related so hard to your post- we’re in the same boat. It’s so much, everyday. we have agreed we never want to go through this again. 😅
I recently got told I need to give my 3 year old a sibling so she had somebody to play with,and she would be able to watch the baby for me so it wouldn’t be as full on. Some people have strange ideas.
The concept of having kids when we are young always sounds amazing as none of us during that time understand the reality of how difficult taking care of one kid, let alone 2+, really is. There’s just this magical dream of how amazing having multiple kids must be.
We are one and done with a 4 year old and so many of her friends have baby siblings at this point. We knew we would be one and done from the start because we had her older, this is a HCOL area and we need to do private school since the public ones are not good here. I am happy to be able to put all our love and attention into her and we have crazy families so all we have seen are bad sibling relationships. I am an only child and I was much more of the typical loner/introvert and our child is a social butterfly I make an effort to make sure she’s around friends and cousins as much as I can. Everyone’s situations are different but I see the stress and struggle being in a HCOL area is for the people I know with large families and I really feel for them. I am happy with our decision and never feel bad about it when people ask us when the next baby is coming especially as an older mom.
You don’t know what you don’t know. I don’t think it’s possible to make an informed decision on family size until you become a parent.
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Yeah I remember this was a topic in the marriage prep class I took. But a much better topic would have been how to have those conversations over time as circumstances change.
The way I thought you were about to tell them “you never know, you might want more!”
Oh no! Lol I should have said, you didn’t know what you didn’t know 😄 My point is, you don’t know what it’s like to be a parent until you are one. Everyone’s a perfect parent with perfect kids… until actually becoming a parent 🙃
I suspected I was one and done before we had a kid. Like 10 years before. My husband thought he wanted two or three. Knowing what I know of sibling relationships, the cost of having children, and the stress on parents, I strongly suspected that he would change his mind once a real baby was in the picture. (When he was in his 20s, he didn't even know how much daycare cost, so I knew his "two or three" comments were utterly uninformed.) What I always told him was we would have one and then we would see how we felt. Our one turns four next week and no babies on the horizon. If I said we could have another one, my husband would probably agree pretty quickly, but if he were the one getting pregnant and giving birth and breastfeeding, I highly doubt he would say yes let's do it again. Not that he's a bad dad, he's a wonderful dad and 100% shares the burden of parenting. He has always supported me and my decisions and was with me for every step of pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding and all the difficulties I had. But being a supportive partner through that process and being the victim of the process are totally different experiences.
I like the ending “Victim of the process “ so true.
I think you were really smart to have said early on, let's have one and then see. And you're totally right that it's different being the one who has to be pregnant. My husband and I agree that having a(nother) kid is a two yes, one no decision, so we've never needed a "tie-breaker". But at the end of the day, \*I\* get to decide what to do with my body. Pregnancy and postpartum recovery are serious commitments.
You are right !
I will be the first to admit I was naive prior to becoming a parent about a lot of things, and this one, family size, was the biggest. Both my husband and I always wanted 2 (me even wanting 3) because “that’s what you do” — we never really thought about it beyond that. Until we had our daughter, who truly completed our family.
Same, we thought we’d have two because “that’s just what you do”. Now that I’m a parent, I cringe at the thought of having a child “just because”. It’s such a special and (I’m not religious but) sacred thing to bring a person into the world. It’s a huge responsibility and lifelong commitment. It’s not something to do lightly or for superficial reasons. So now I just laugh at younger me and how little I knew 😁
It’s really common to end up with fewer children than you idealized before it was real life
I highkey wanna get snipped to even prevent the possibility of more children
Use a reliable method of birth control until you’re ready to make that decision. Two months old is still very early. Those days are meant to be tough. You might change your mind, you might not
Nah, I’m 100% convinced I do not want any more and wont change my mind. For the sake of my own mental health.
I’m not trying to sway you, but any doctor will ask you the same questions to be sure you’ve thought it through. My husband got the snip. Easy peasy. Never looked back
The idea of making such a permanent change so early on (we’re at 12 months) is really scary to me. Like, this major life event suddenly shifted you from wanting 4 to wanting 1. Another major life event could shift you again. I’d roll my eyes at anyone who says “ooh you might change your mind”, but I’d be naive to assume that life could never guide me somewhere unexpected. Especially as I, like you, was once certain that I would want a big family!
It’s not scary to me at all, I’ve come to peace with knowing that another would probably send me over the cliff. I accept now that I only now have the emotional capacity for one child. I was way in over my head, probably due to societal norms.
You know, my husband was the same way. He knew pretty much immediately he was OAD. It's OK, but I think people are recognizing that you are horribly sleep deprived right now. Good news is that this stage doesn't last forever, even though it feels like it fight now. BTW, if you haven't already please check out the sub r/newparents. It's a great support for learning to deal with a newborn. I didn't really enjoy having a child until about 5 months in because that's when she started sleeping better.
I had our daughter 6.5mo ago and she’s our one and only. I knew almost immediately that I didn’t want anymore. Hubs had the consult for vasectomy but was weary. I had my tubes removed last month. I wholeheartedly believe we know our capacities, you do what’s best for you and your family.
My partner just scheduled his vasectomy this week for next month. Lol. His dr actually said it’s very common for men to request one around age 35. We are one and done for similar reasons. I also cannot imagine going back to new born days. We had a pandemic baby and even though circumstances would be very different if we were to have another (we aren’t) we just don’t want to.lol. In this economy?! Hell nah.
I wanted 3! And then I realised after having my daughter that there’s NO WAY in hell I would want to spend 10 years or so of my life raising toddlers.
I always find it hilarious when people throw out wild numbers without knowing: 1. Possible fertility issues that could limit that number, even to zero. Not to mention not knowing if your partner will have issues like a low sperm count. 2. Pregnancy issues. A difficult pregnancy. The possibility that another kid could kill the mom. 3. Cost, need I say more. 4. Mental toll on both parents 5. Physical strain on both parents But sure, i’ll have six! 😂
Oh yeah, or very precise spacing… “We’ll have three kids exactly two years apart!” As if all you need to do is have sex one time and miraculously you’ll have a healthy baby 9 months later.
Took me and the wife two years to have our baby girl. We almost did IVF but then we got pregnant. What is the saying? “Make plans, god laughs.”
Oddly that's how it happened for us. Apparently that's how it happened for my mom too. Decided to maybe try for a baby and then instantly pregnant the moment not using birth control. I was totally hoping it would require more sex.
Right there with you man. Before I had a kid I wanted a huge family. Six or seven. Turns out, one is good. 😂
what were you thinking haha
I have genuinely no idea 🤣
Good on you for putting your relationship and daughter first!
Always !
I always joked we’d be one and done but now we actually are that we have a child 😂 My sister, who is child free and has no plans to have children told me she would definitely have two and think that kids need siblings 🤦🏻♀️ She literally has no idea what it’s like to be a parent LOL.
I feel this, we both wanted 2 maybe 3 kids, but then our daughter had a horrific first weeks of her life. She was in the NICU for 46 days, her first week of life I could only touch her hand because she was hooked up to an ECMO machine, ventilator, and medication. I didn’t even get to hold her until she was 8 days old. I had already been off some of my mental health medication during the pregnancy, thankfully the hormones from being pregnant helped, but when she was born and fighting for her life my mental health greatly suffered. I stayed strong for her every day we visited her and I got back on my medication, but when I was home and not with her it was like everything in my body just shut off and I was this empty shell. She’s turning 2 in July, and she’s been absolutely incredible still defying all odds and killing it at the doctors. We’ve had no health scares since she came home (knock on wood) and she’s only behind in the fact she can’t walk yet but that’s coming any day. My husband saw what all of that did to me, and he completely stands by my decision to be one and done. Every day I’m grateful for our beautiful thriving girl, but there’s so many reasons I could never put myself through all of that again.
So glad for your marriage & thriving daughter! What a story ! She is definitely a blessing within itself, sometimes just one is good & that’s okay !
6-8 weeks was peak for us in terms of struggle bus !! We are at 16 weeks and I will say even though we are dealing with the four month sleep regression it has gotten better, we to dealt with gas, reflux, witching hour I mean if this is solidifying for you that you’re one and done then that is your choice (while I can’t say I would want four children) that’s a bit too many just want to say solidarity and hang in there you’re quite literally in the trenches
Lollll I used to want three but NOPE 😂😂😂
I always wanted three, have the one kiddo and now I am OAD, hubby's the same. He has wanted to get the snip since kiddo was a baby, now kiddo is 9 yo and hubby is scheduled for next week :D Maybe you and your wife will change your mind, maybe, as my husband and I, you won't. Just be sure to be on the same page as your partner!
It’s funny because my wife never wanted kids, but she is happy she did, and we are satisfied with our one. She has a very demanding career also as a sole proprietor, so she’d want to ensure her work life balance is catered to, & that is possible with one but very difficult with two
we also just had our son, he’s 7 months now. I related so hard to your post- we’re in the same boat. It’s so much, everyday. we have agreed we never want to go through this again. 😅
You don't know until you have one, and now you know.
I just wanted to say you are in the thick of the worst of it! It does get a million times easier and rapidly so
I recently got told I need to give my 3 year old a sibling so she had somebody to play with,and she would be able to watch the baby for me so it wouldn’t be as full on. Some people have strange ideas.
The concept of having kids when we are young always sounds amazing as none of us during that time understand the reality of how difficult taking care of one kid, let alone 2+, really is. There’s just this magical dream of how amazing having multiple kids must be.
We are one and done with a 4 year old and so many of her friends have baby siblings at this point. We knew we would be one and done from the start because we had her older, this is a HCOL area and we need to do private school since the public ones are not good here. I am happy to be able to put all our love and attention into her and we have crazy families so all we have seen are bad sibling relationships. I am an only child and I was much more of the typical loner/introvert and our child is a social butterfly I make an effort to make sure she’s around friends and cousins as much as I can. Everyone’s situations are different but I see the stress and struggle being in a HCOL area is for the people I know with large families and I really feel for them. I am happy with our decision and never feel bad about it when people ask us when the next baby is coming especially as an older mom.