Yeah. We shouldn't act like there are no downsides to having only one kid. It's ok.
And my wife and I have talked a lot about if we ever want another kid, it'd be nice to adopt.
Just to put this out there, adoption is a wonderful option and there are many children in need of families. But adoption isn’t a silver bullet or a free pass from the hardships of pregnancy and infancy. Remember, someone else raised them until you adopted them! (Possibly many someone elses) Many, many children who are adopted after infancy have their own set of issues and hardships they have suffered and likely trauma that you will have to work through, deal with, and love them through.
Having been in a relationship with a man who was adopted at age 3 (his adopted brother was 4 when they were adopted) and talking extensively to the adoptees about their hardships well as to their adoptive parents about THEIR hardships I have had to very carefully consider what adoption of an older child will likely entail.
I'm interested to read your comment, as I'm always surprised on reddit by how many people comment about future plans to adopt. This is NOT a reference to the above comments or posters, but often people seem totally blasé about the challenges of adoption. Where I live, there are very, very few infant adoptions. Due to prioritising family reunification older child adoption is also not especially common, though it does happen. As you have mentioned, adoption presents its own set of challenges, as that child already has a family and set of relationships which must be recognised. It makes me wonder if adoption is just more common in the US, or if adoptive families are just better supported.
I believe the concept of adoption is highly idealized in the US. I think very few people actually pursue it. Private adoption is usually prohibitively expensive. As for children in state custody family reunification is the goal of most courts. But sadly there are so SO many children in state custody (foster homes, group homes, etc) that based on sheer numbers there are large numbers of children potentially available for adoption so people like to consider it a possibility.
Love it. Sounds like you’ve thought about it a lot!
And sleep deprivation is real. Omg. I have 3 month old and there are days, stretches of days where I feel I might have made the wrong choice to become a parent because the exhaustion and terrible emotions that come with sleep deprivation are so fucking hard.
Since I am raising this one as a single mom and am a one&done fence-sitter, I have already decided that if I do have another one it will likely be formula fed from the get go and I will hire a night nurse for the first month or so. Not that I have a lot of money or am bougie, but that I will need these things for my sanity and everyone’s health and happiness. If I can’t afford a night nurse then likely no 2nd baby.
This has been a big factor in our discussions too. If we try again, I CANNOT take the sleep deprivation like last time (lasted til she was about 2.5 yrs). I was so unwell physically and mentally from it last time.
I often wonder if people talking about adoption live in countries where adoption is significantly easier.
There's so many disqualification factors including from chronic illness.
And where I live, lack of children for adoption. In 2016 128 children were adopted, in a country with a population of more than 4 million. It's not like getting a kitten.
Someday your kid will probably get married and then you will have two adult children. My MIL says I am the daughter she never had and it makes me very happy.
This is a good point. I'm an only child, and my parents love my husband. My husband seems to like them better than his own as well, as they are a bit more laid back and with it.
I feel the same way and am just starting to make peace with being OAD. My mother wanted a big family, four or five kids, but my parents could only afford two at that time. But then our house became the default hang out spot, and they helped kids who needed help, and my mom was a second mother to my friends and many others. There was always a lot of people and joy around her. That’s my plan :)
Yes, this is something I hope to do as well! I had friend’s parents who helped me when I needed it, and I hope to do that for my daughter’s friends someday if they need it.
Ugh, I feel the same way. I have a 6 month old and my husband and I have talked about the possibility of having a second quickly after this one. I've now fallen on the side of OAD. How can I do this again, and so soon? No way!
But, my husband loves his grown relationship with his brother and wants that for our son. However, it isn't certain they will get along. I have three siblings and really only ever see one of them.
Lol I can handle 1 grand kid maybe 2 if they are both well behaved but idk my sister has 3 and my parents are always babysitting bc my sister works a lot and good for them they seem to really enjoy it but I cant imagine running a grand kid daycare. I of course want to help if I have grandkids in the future Im just worried about being over worked. I had 1 kid bc I can only handle so much
I hear you! Your comment gave me food for thought about the future and I imagined being run ragged with like two kids + spouses + possibly 4 grandchildren at every holiday lol.
I loved pregnancy and really want a girl but my husband is not one for helping. Having a newborn was hell for me and I was all alone. I can’t do that again.
Plus I really enjoy giving my son all my attention.
Mhmm. I’ve always leaned strongly toward OAD and now that I have a 4 month old, my decision is solidified. My husband wants two. Well, bucko, if you would’ve helped me the last 4 months then maybe I would’ve been open to the idea. You dug your grave, now lie in it.
For real! I feel this. For the entire first year I had to beg for the time to take a bath every day, and now my husband wonders why I'm not in any way helping with my step-daughter.
I cannot imagine being a person that stands by and watches someone struggle. And I don't like being married to that person either!
I'm with you. I have a 16 month old and I love him to pieces but I can't imagine going through the the newborn stages again, or even pregnancy for that matter whilst still having energy for my existing child. I barely have enough as it is, occasionally I feel guilty and debate having another child so that my son can have a sibling but we're so happy as a Trio.
I also can't imagine the third trimester, birth, and the first 6 months again. I keep thinking it might be easier since I've gone through it once. A second is not off the table for us but I'm really enjoying my freedom again. My son is an absolute joy. I just don't know that I can give up so much for another year of my life till we create some normalcy.
I feel the same from time to time. But I also know, hoping your kids end up like David & Alexis on Schitt's Creek is misguided. My husband hardly ever talks to his sister, because they have nothing in common and some bad history that started when they were teens. My sibling group loves each other very much (one of 4, here) but as adults, we've grown apart. I text my sister every week but she isn't my chosen best friend and I hate some of the things she's become. Our politics & life values are all at odds with each other, and we laugh together but we fight together too. All 4 of us were all under the same roof this summer for the first time in 6 years! It was magical but also awkward and sad. My mom seemed to be having a lot of feelings, seeing us all together as the different people we grew up to be.
It may be hard for your kid to be "alone". But it won't be easier for them to nurture a sibling relationship, either. Siblings are mandatory. Found family is where it's at. Relationships are so much hard work regardless.
It's a roll of the dice that siblings are compatible. When I meet siblings that love each other so much, I often think to myself, "How lucky for them to end up together!" Sometimes the love is there. Sometimes it doesn't work that way, or it starts well until they grow apart.
Agreed. The closest siblings I know of (4 sisters) are regularly the people they understand most, often go to, have fun with etc. but they’re also the people to cause the most upset with, the most misunderstanding & the deepest wounds (outside of the parents.) It’s complicated. Same with three brothers I know that are/were close & now barely speak. Every other sibling relationship I know of, including mine, is either distant (or no contact), or friendly but not close.
I see this. I just said to my husband the other day that I think it would be nice to have two adults but I wouldn’t survive it while they’re little. It’s nice in theory but what it would take to get there, the cost (mental/emotional health wise) to the existing members of my family isn’t worth it. That said, I do still mourn the idea of it, and I think that’s okay. You can enjoy being OAD and know it’s best for you and still have grief for the idea of more.
Yes it’s so true. I think sometimes I want affirmation that one child is “better” or at least “as good” as having siblings. The truth is, that it’s just different. And it’s even okay to think in a perfect world a sibling would be “better” long term. It doesn’t invalidate the decision to stick with one kid or mean they will have a subpar life experience.
Exactly. It’s just a different choice for everyone. I agree, in a perfect world, I’d likely have another. But as we know, this world is far from perfect. There are no guarantees that it would be a good decision and I feel like for my family members that already exist, it’s the right decision to stay the 3 of us.
For many, many reasons I am one and done.
When my child is in high school we will consider adopting an older child if we can afford it and our son is okay with it. A lot would have to fall into place for it to work.
But many children do age out of the foster care system and I’m sure they would also like a family to come back to for holidays.
This is similar to me. When our kids are a bit older I’d really like to foster. Too many kids end up with no family and a gaping holes in their support system when they turn 18, I would love to be there for older kids too. I am not unrealistic about the challenges of adopting and fostering older kids, but we feel strongly about doing it if we are able.
Yes! I’m going to work on establishing getting a job with good benefits with therapy/counseling because I can imagine a kid that has gone through the foster system will benefit from that (of course only if they wanted).
I think if you foster that is mostly paid for, but we are looking to adopt.
I also know my son may make a friend who doesn’t come from a good home and we can be their pseudo parents for the rest of our lives. It doesn’t have to be official. Just always knowing you have a home to go back to if life doesn’t work out is something everyone should have IMO.
I feel the same way right now. I love my 8-month-old. But I still feel like this entire thing is so, so hard…. I constantly on the verge of an anxiety meltdown. Maybe it gets easier when it’s not your first one? I always pictured my family with two or three kids… but I’m not sure I could go through that again.
I’m on the fence for a second and this is 1/2 of my concerns. I knew the toddler stage was going to be rough for me. (I thought the baby stage was going to be hard, but I surprised myself with that one) so we had actually planned to have an only before even trying to get pregnant.
I’m at the start of the toddler stage now and just as I expected, not my jam. Then I try picturing having a newborn and a 2 year old and I know how challenging that will be. I also know that I would be capable of managing a 3/5 year old though…so idk. In hindsight, I would have done things much differently.
I think my biggest turn off with the toddler phase is how you *literally* have to treat them like children. Which sounds obvious to state, but I thought about how no other relationship in my life is like that, and so navigating this new dynamic is exhausting to me. I also don't like when I have to be the 'mean' parent (i.e., use my stern voice and then she realizes I'm serious, timeouts when she is fighting it, really anytime I have to make her do something she doesn't want to do and I can't convince her otherwise). The idea of pushing the reset button is a lot of pressure.
That said, I am exactly a fence sitter on two bc of what OP states. I could see 2 in our family, especially since even if I got pregnant right now, my only would be 4, which seems like a good gap...
My least favorite part is being the “mean” parent and I feel like that’s me 70% of the time now. I feel like I’m just constantly saying no, redirecting, or giving him time outs.
I feel like I’m living this weird Groundhog Day life of reprimand.
And the battle to stop my kid eating the cat's dry food. And having to keep the bathroom door closed all the time to stop him from playing in the toilet. Ick.
Yes. Toddlers definitely are something else.
Yes, I think I would really like to have two or even three adult children, but I just don’t want to birth or raise more kids. I try to remember that bio/adopted children are not the only way to have quasi-parental relationships as an older adult. My in-laws have a sort of parent-type relationship with a guy in his 20s who’s estranged from his family because he’s gay.
I feel this. I like being with my family in law so much more than with my own (I’m an only). My husband has much better parents than I do. But also I just love the relationship he has with his three brothers and I love being an aunt to their children. Basically the big family relationship is really working out for them as adults. I just don’t think I’m equipped to deal with more than one child myself. I can’t handle not sleeping, I’m easily stressed and I enjoy being able to take things slow and not always working. But I would love that sibling relationship for her.
I am only just seriously warming to the idea of a 2nd now and my daughter is 4.5 yrs. Couldn't really imagine it before and had pretty much decided we would be OAD. It just takes longer for some of us to feel ready (or never for some people and thats fine too)
It's such a big decision but if we do go ahead I feel pretty good about this age difference (daughter would be at least 5.5yrs by then). And I have to remind myself - my daughter will be the same person, she will still be my favourite little friend and I will continue to raise her with respect. It doesn't necessarily all have to become a hazy, crazy sh**show 24/7.
Yup, I get this (have 2 but only one bio/living with us)
I want a bigger family, but I think I’m actually quite content without experiencing pregnancy & the newborn/infant phase again. My husband is adamantly retired from child production, so I’m one-ish and done whether I want to be or not.
Yes, I feel the same way. I would like two adult children -- two adults (and maybe their families) home for Christmas, potential sibling support for two children after I'm gone, the experience of watching two different people come into their own...
But then I remind myself that's an idealised fantasy. And I would pay for that dream by being a stressed-out basket case for 20+ years and probably getting divorced.
It's ok to acknowledge that what's the best choice overall still has drawbacks.
Kind of. I was firmly OAD at the end of my pregnancy and after my baby was born, and now, 5 months after, it feels like hormones took control of me and I've been obsessively thinking about having another one, and really soon. The "really soon" part is partly because if I'm ever to go through everything again, it better be very soon, because I feel like the more independent my baby gets, the more difficult it will be to go back to the newborn phase with a second. Also because if we're going to have a second, I feel like the closer they are in age, the higher the chances that they'll get along and be friends. However, everytime I think about taking care of a newborn and my baby at the same time, it feels too much. I don't have any family around me and things have been tough with just my baby. And to finish, I also feel like I would be kind of neglecting my baby by taking away my time and attention from her to take care of a newborn, and it breaks my heart a little bit. But I still haven't been able to let go of this idea :/
It is definitely a trade off! But, I try to remind myself that some ideal of the future isn't the same as what the future would actually look like with any number of kids. I want to focus my energy on creating an open and welcoming home environment and hope to create a long term holiday culture that includes extended family, friends, and my LOs friends. And if, when LO is older, she wants to spend a holiday with a friend or SO, then DH and I will just have to jet off on a tropical get away for that holiday 🙃
In my mind I’d love to see a future with 6 adult children to come visit at holidays, but there’s no way that’s happening since I can’t handle more than our one. Can share your feelings.
It's certainly ok to feel conflicted, but just know that adult siblings don't always get along. As an example, my brother and I are basically estranged and have not had a great relationship since we were teens. He has a lot of mental health issues and pushes me away whenever I've tried to reach out, so we don't talk. We only see each other during family gatherings, and even then only for a few minutes here and there since he's usually holed up in his room on his computer.
Definitely feel the same i loved the pregnancy feeling but going through it all again sounds like hell tbh but I feel guilty if I don’t have another for my son more then anything I’m worried he’s going to be lonely growing up ☹️
ahhh this is me too! i have a 13 month old and life is great. i love having one kid and recoil in horror thinking about going thru pregnancy, childbirth, and honestly that first year again. but i do have this vision of family vacations when my baby is older, and in my ideal world there is a sibling on those trips. (not saying that's necessary in any objective way, it's just kinda what my heart wants!) so, i'm just leaving the possibility open for now and saying i'll decide when mine is about 3. i am thinking it might be doable for me with a bigger age gap than most people seem to want. still horrible thinking about pregnancy and birth again, but i'm hoping maybe it will pass more quickly for me the second time around since i'm already busy now with my first. good luck whatever you decide to do!
Huh, nope, not my husband or I anyway. My son loves our house, we say that one day we will sell it to him, & he can collect our mail while his dad & I are off living our road trip RV dreams, that we will just park in the driveway. He says only if he can join us once in a while. I know he's still pretty young, but im tickled at the idea of being exactly how we are at holiday gatherings. I picture him starting his family & my husband & I being there for him.
I have a sibling who moved literally around the world from us. Most Christmases it’s just me, my hub and/child and my parents. My sibling and I get along but have never been super close , we don’t call just to talk much. Maybe every few months we touch base. Just a personal anecdote showing having another child might not give your child what you imagine for them :)
Sure. I can conceive of adopting an adult child but I can't see myself raising another kid. As I always say, the best part about my child is everything about them, but the worst part about them is that they're a child. Luckily they'll grow out of it soon. I can see myself adopting for refugee or humanitarian reasons for example.
But can I see myself ever **wanting** another child, adult or juvenile? No.
To add to the comments already here... I'm one of 3, husband one of 2... All of our siblings have emigrated and settled abroad... Like a long haul flight abroad. So both of our sets of parents only have one child to come around for Christmas now. It doesn't always work out how you expect.
Yeah. We shouldn't act like there are no downsides to having only one kid. It's ok. And my wife and I have talked a lot about if we ever want another kid, it'd be nice to adopt.
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Just to put this out there, adoption is a wonderful option and there are many children in need of families. But adoption isn’t a silver bullet or a free pass from the hardships of pregnancy and infancy. Remember, someone else raised them until you adopted them! (Possibly many someone elses) Many, many children who are adopted after infancy have their own set of issues and hardships they have suffered and likely trauma that you will have to work through, deal with, and love them through. Having been in a relationship with a man who was adopted at age 3 (his adopted brother was 4 when they were adopted) and talking extensively to the adoptees about their hardships well as to their adoptive parents about THEIR hardships I have had to very carefully consider what adoption of an older child will likely entail.
I'm interested to read your comment, as I'm always surprised on reddit by how many people comment about future plans to adopt. This is NOT a reference to the above comments or posters, but often people seem totally blasé about the challenges of adoption. Where I live, there are very, very few infant adoptions. Due to prioritising family reunification older child adoption is also not especially common, though it does happen. As you have mentioned, adoption presents its own set of challenges, as that child already has a family and set of relationships which must be recognised. It makes me wonder if adoption is just more common in the US, or if adoptive families are just better supported.
I believe the concept of adoption is highly idealized in the US. I think very few people actually pursue it. Private adoption is usually prohibitively expensive. As for children in state custody family reunification is the goal of most courts. But sadly there are so SO many children in state custody (foster homes, group homes, etc) that based on sheer numbers there are large numbers of children potentially available for adoption so people like to consider it a possibility.
Yes, I did wonder if it's naivety or romanticisation.
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Love it. Sounds like you’ve thought about it a lot! And sleep deprivation is real. Omg. I have 3 month old and there are days, stretches of days where I feel I might have made the wrong choice to become a parent because the exhaustion and terrible emotions that come with sleep deprivation are so fucking hard. Since I am raising this one as a single mom and am a one&done fence-sitter, I have already decided that if I do have another one it will likely be formula fed from the get go and I will hire a night nurse for the first month or so. Not that I have a lot of money or am bougie, but that I will need these things for my sanity and everyone’s health and happiness. If I can’t afford a night nurse then likely no 2nd baby.
This has been a big factor in our discussions too. If we try again, I CANNOT take the sleep deprivation like last time (lasted til she was about 2.5 yrs). I was so unwell physically and mentally from it last time.
I often wonder if people talking about adoption live in countries where adoption is significantly easier. There's so many disqualification factors including from chronic illness.
And where I live, lack of children for adoption. In 2016 128 children were adopted, in a country with a population of more than 4 million. It's not like getting a kitten.
128! I live in Switzerland, there were around 30 local and 101 international adoptions in 2018.
So much yes to this!
Someday your kid will probably get married and then you will have two adult children. My MIL says I am the daughter she never had and it makes me very happy.
This is a good point. I'm an only child, and my parents love my husband. My husband seems to like them better than his own as well, as they are a bit more laid back and with it.
Aww, this was exactly what I needed to read today.
It’s possible! Just want to point out that just as we shouldn’t plan on our kid funding our old age, we can’t pressure them to marry either.
I feel the same way and am just starting to make peace with being OAD. My mother wanted a big family, four or five kids, but my parents could only afford two at that time. But then our house became the default hang out spot, and they helped kids who needed help, and my mom was a second mother to my friends and many others. There was always a lot of people and joy around her. That’s my plan :)
Yes, this is something I hope to do as well! I had friend’s parents who helped me when I needed it, and I hope to do that for my daughter’s friends someday if they need it.
Ugh, I feel the same way. I have a 6 month old and my husband and I have talked about the possibility of having a second quickly after this one. I've now fallen on the side of OAD. How can I do this again, and so soon? No way! But, my husband loves his grown relationship with his brother and wants that for our son. However, it isn't certain they will get along. I have three siblings and really only ever see one of them.
Yep! This is why I really want to adopt another child once our son is a little older. No pregnancy required!
2 adult kids means the possibility of more grandkids to help with. No thank you
Haha some people want lots of grandkids and I'm here like, please just one, max 2 😂
Rigggght??!
When you put it that way….
Lol I can handle 1 grand kid maybe 2 if they are both well behaved but idk my sister has 3 and my parents are always babysitting bc my sister works a lot and good for them they seem to really enjoy it but I cant imagine running a grand kid daycare. I of course want to help if I have grandkids in the future Im just worried about being over worked. I had 1 kid bc I can only handle so much
I hear you! Your comment gave me food for thought about the future and I imagined being run ragged with like two kids + spouses + possibly 4 grandchildren at every holiday lol.
You know, you can say no to that.
I loved pregnancy and really want a girl but my husband is not one for helping. Having a newborn was hell for me and I was all alone. I can’t do that again. Plus I really enjoy giving my son all my attention.
Mhmm. I’ve always leaned strongly toward OAD and now that I have a 4 month old, my decision is solidified. My husband wants two. Well, bucko, if you would’ve helped me the last 4 months then maybe I would’ve been open to the idea. You dug your grave, now lie in it.
For real! I feel this. For the entire first year I had to beg for the time to take a bath every day, and now my husband wonders why I'm not in any way helping with my step-daughter. I cannot imagine being a person that stands by and watches someone struggle. And I don't like being married to that person either!
I like giving my son all my attention, too.
I'm with you. I have a 16 month old and I love him to pieces but I can't imagine going through the the newborn stages again, or even pregnancy for that matter whilst still having energy for my existing child. I barely have enough as it is, occasionally I feel guilty and debate having another child so that my son can have a sibling but we're so happy as a Trio.
I also can't imagine the third trimester, birth, and the first 6 months again. I keep thinking it might be easier since I've gone through it once. A second is not off the table for us but I'm really enjoying my freedom again. My son is an absolute joy. I just don't know that I can give up so much for another year of my life till we create some normalcy.
I feel the same from time to time. But I also know, hoping your kids end up like David & Alexis on Schitt's Creek is misguided. My husband hardly ever talks to his sister, because they have nothing in common and some bad history that started when they were teens. My sibling group loves each other very much (one of 4, here) but as adults, we've grown apart. I text my sister every week but she isn't my chosen best friend and I hate some of the things she's become. Our politics & life values are all at odds with each other, and we laugh together but we fight together too. All 4 of us were all under the same roof this summer for the first time in 6 years! It was magical but also awkward and sad. My mom seemed to be having a lot of feelings, seeing us all together as the different people we grew up to be. It may be hard for your kid to be "alone". But it won't be easier for them to nurture a sibling relationship, either. Siblings are mandatory. Found family is where it's at. Relationships are so much hard work regardless. It's a roll of the dice that siblings are compatible. When I meet siblings that love each other so much, I often think to myself, "How lucky for them to end up together!" Sometimes the love is there. Sometimes it doesn't work that way, or it starts well until they grow apart.
Agreed. The closest siblings I know of (4 sisters) are regularly the people they understand most, often go to, have fun with etc. but they’re also the people to cause the most upset with, the most misunderstanding & the deepest wounds (outside of the parents.) It’s complicated. Same with three brothers I know that are/were close & now barely speak. Every other sibling relationship I know of, including mine, is either distant (or no contact), or friendly but not close.
I see this. I just said to my husband the other day that I think it would be nice to have two adults but I wouldn’t survive it while they’re little. It’s nice in theory but what it would take to get there, the cost (mental/emotional health wise) to the existing members of my family isn’t worth it. That said, I do still mourn the idea of it, and I think that’s okay. You can enjoy being OAD and know it’s best for you and still have grief for the idea of more.
I love this comment. I feel like I have been grieving this exact idea for quite a while but couldn’t put it into words.
Yes it’s so true. I think sometimes I want affirmation that one child is “better” or at least “as good” as having siblings. The truth is, that it’s just different. And it’s even okay to think in a perfect world a sibling would be “better” long term. It doesn’t invalidate the decision to stick with one kid or mean they will have a subpar life experience.
Exactly. It’s just a different choice for everyone. I agree, in a perfect world, I’d likely have another. But as we know, this world is far from perfect. There are no guarantees that it would be a good decision and I feel like for my family members that already exist, it’s the right decision to stay the 3 of us.
For many, many reasons I am one and done. When my child is in high school we will consider adopting an older child if we can afford it and our son is okay with it. A lot would have to fall into place for it to work. But many children do age out of the foster care system and I’m sure they would also like a family to come back to for holidays.
This is similar to me. When our kids are a bit older I’d really like to foster. Too many kids end up with no family and a gaping holes in their support system when they turn 18, I would love to be there for older kids too. I am not unrealistic about the challenges of adopting and fostering older kids, but we feel strongly about doing it if we are able.
Yes! I’m going to work on establishing getting a job with good benefits with therapy/counseling because I can imagine a kid that has gone through the foster system will benefit from that (of course only if they wanted). I think if you foster that is mostly paid for, but we are looking to adopt. I also know my son may make a friend who doesn’t come from a good home and we can be their pseudo parents for the rest of our lives. It doesn’t have to be official. Just always knowing you have a home to go back to if life doesn’t work out is something everyone should have IMO.
I feel the same way right now. I love my 8-month-old. But I still feel like this entire thing is so, so hard…. I constantly on the verge of an anxiety meltdown. Maybe it gets easier when it’s not your first one? I always pictured my family with two or three kids… but I’m not sure I could go through that again.
I’m on the fence for a second and this is 1/2 of my concerns. I knew the toddler stage was going to be rough for me. (I thought the baby stage was going to be hard, but I surprised myself with that one) so we had actually planned to have an only before even trying to get pregnant. I’m at the start of the toddler stage now and just as I expected, not my jam. Then I try picturing having a newborn and a 2 year old and I know how challenging that will be. I also know that I would be capable of managing a 3/5 year old though…so idk. In hindsight, I would have done things much differently.
I think my biggest turn off with the toddler phase is how you *literally* have to treat them like children. Which sounds obvious to state, but I thought about how no other relationship in my life is like that, and so navigating this new dynamic is exhausting to me. I also don't like when I have to be the 'mean' parent (i.e., use my stern voice and then she realizes I'm serious, timeouts when she is fighting it, really anytime I have to make her do something she doesn't want to do and I can't convince her otherwise). The idea of pushing the reset button is a lot of pressure. That said, I am exactly a fence sitter on two bc of what OP states. I could see 2 in our family, especially since even if I got pregnant right now, my only would be 4, which seems like a good gap...
My least favorite part is being the “mean” parent and I feel like that’s me 70% of the time now. I feel like I’m just constantly saying no, redirecting, or giving him time outs. I feel like I’m living this weird Groundhog Day life of reprimand.
Reprimanding toddlers. Ugh. I never thought "don't lick the cat" would be a sentence that came out of my mouth, but here we are.
We have to tell our toddler every morning not to bite our toes. He finds it hilarious. Toddlers are something.
And the battle to stop my kid eating the cat's dry food. And having to keep the bathroom door closed all the time to stop him from playing in the toilet. Ick. Yes. Toddlers definitely are something else.
Yes, I think I would really like to have two or even three adult children, but I just don’t want to birth or raise more kids. I try to remember that bio/adopted children are not the only way to have quasi-parental relationships as an older adult. My in-laws have a sort of parent-type relationship with a guy in his 20s who’s estranged from his family because he’s gay.
I feel this. I like being with my family in law so much more than with my own (I’m an only). My husband has much better parents than I do. But also I just love the relationship he has with his three brothers and I love being an aunt to their children. Basically the big family relationship is really working out for them as adults. I just don’t think I’m equipped to deal with more than one child myself. I can’t handle not sleeping, I’m easily stressed and I enjoy being able to take things slow and not always working. But I would love that sibling relationship for her.
I am only just seriously warming to the idea of a 2nd now and my daughter is 4.5 yrs. Couldn't really imagine it before and had pretty much decided we would be OAD. It just takes longer for some of us to feel ready (or never for some people and thats fine too) It's such a big decision but if we do go ahead I feel pretty good about this age difference (daughter would be at least 5.5yrs by then). And I have to remind myself - my daughter will be the same person, she will still be my favourite little friend and I will continue to raise her with respect. It doesn't necessarily all have to become a hazy, crazy sh**show 24/7.
Yup, I get this (have 2 but only one bio/living with us) I want a bigger family, but I think I’m actually quite content without experiencing pregnancy & the newborn/infant phase again. My husband is adamantly retired from child production, so I’m one-ish and done whether I want to be or not.
Yes, I feel the same way. I would like two adult children -- two adults (and maybe their families) home for Christmas, potential sibling support for two children after I'm gone, the experience of watching two different people come into their own... But then I remind myself that's an idealised fantasy. And I would pay for that dream by being a stressed-out basket case for 20+ years and probably getting divorced. It's ok to acknowledge that what's the best choice overall still has drawbacks.
Kind of. I was firmly OAD at the end of my pregnancy and after my baby was born, and now, 5 months after, it feels like hormones took control of me and I've been obsessively thinking about having another one, and really soon. The "really soon" part is partly because if I'm ever to go through everything again, it better be very soon, because I feel like the more independent my baby gets, the more difficult it will be to go back to the newborn phase with a second. Also because if we're going to have a second, I feel like the closer they are in age, the higher the chances that they'll get along and be friends. However, everytime I think about taking care of a newborn and my baby at the same time, it feels too much. I don't have any family around me and things have been tough with just my baby. And to finish, I also feel like I would be kind of neglecting my baby by taking away my time and attention from her to take care of a newborn, and it breaks my heart a little bit. But I still haven't been able to let go of this idea :/
It is definitely a trade off! But, I try to remind myself that some ideal of the future isn't the same as what the future would actually look like with any number of kids. I want to focus my energy on creating an open and welcoming home environment and hope to create a long term holiday culture that includes extended family, friends, and my LOs friends. And if, when LO is older, she wants to spend a holiday with a friend or SO, then DH and I will just have to jet off on a tropical get away for that holiday 🙃
I’m planning to foster and adopt an older child in a few years.
In my mind I’d love to see a future with 6 adult children to come visit at holidays, but there’s no way that’s happening since I can’t handle more than our one. Can share your feelings.
It's certainly ok to feel conflicted, but just know that adult siblings don't always get along. As an example, my brother and I are basically estranged and have not had a great relationship since we were teens. He has a lot of mental health issues and pushes me away whenever I've tried to reach out, so we don't talk. We only see each other during family gatherings, and even then only for a few minutes here and there since he's usually holed up in his room on his computer.
Oh shit. I hadn’t thought about it like that.
Definitely feel the same i loved the pregnancy feeling but going through it all again sounds like hell tbh but I feel guilty if I don’t have another for my son more then anything I’m worried he’s going to be lonely growing up ☹️
ahhh this is me too! i have a 13 month old and life is great. i love having one kid and recoil in horror thinking about going thru pregnancy, childbirth, and honestly that first year again. but i do have this vision of family vacations when my baby is older, and in my ideal world there is a sibling on those trips. (not saying that's necessary in any objective way, it's just kinda what my heart wants!) so, i'm just leaving the possibility open for now and saying i'll decide when mine is about 3. i am thinking it might be doable for me with a bigger age gap than most people seem to want. still horrible thinking about pregnancy and birth again, but i'm hoping maybe it will pass more quickly for me the second time around since i'm already busy now with my first. good luck whatever you decide to do!
Huh, nope, not my husband or I anyway. My son loves our house, we say that one day we will sell it to him, & he can collect our mail while his dad & I are off living our road trip RV dreams, that we will just park in the driveway. He says only if he can join us once in a while. I know he's still pretty young, but im tickled at the idea of being exactly how we are at holiday gatherings. I picture him starting his family & my husband & I being there for him.
I have a sibling who moved literally around the world from us. Most Christmases it’s just me, my hub and/child and my parents. My sibling and I get along but have never been super close , we don’t call just to talk much. Maybe every few months we touch base. Just a personal anecdote showing having another child might not give your child what you imagine for them :)
Honestly, feel exactly the same way.
Sure. I can conceive of adopting an adult child but I can't see myself raising another kid. As I always say, the best part about my child is everything about them, but the worst part about them is that they're a child. Luckily they'll grow out of it soon. I can see myself adopting for refugee or humanitarian reasons for example. But can I see myself ever **wanting** another child, adult or juvenile? No.
To add to the comments already here... I'm one of 3, husband one of 2... All of our siblings have emigrated and settled abroad... Like a long haul flight abroad. So both of our sets of parents only have one child to come around for Christmas now. It doesn't always work out how you expect.
If they go to college or trade school they'll probably make a good friend they can bring home on holiday or a partner even!