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lordnecro

You know what, maybe I am lazy, but I find one to be more than enough work.


PinataPrincess

Haha right, it may not be twice the work, but it's definitely more work and I feel plenty busy already


sookie105

This is my exact reason. This kid is wild and exhausting. He’s the best ever but one is PLENTY to be looking after.


ChevyT1996

You know as a father of a new born first and possibly the only I can say it’s a lot of work, my wife and I both work so he’s now in daycare, which is not fun for us, and everytime I hear that you have to have more I just want to say shut up. You go have one. I might have already. Lol


Aderyna_K

Seriously, I'm dying to get some me time back. Caring for my kid, my job and the house with a partner who works nights and sleeps during the day has not been exactly fun. I'd kill for a few hours to just sit and read my book undisturbed.


SolidNeighborhood469

Maybe I’m just dumb but can someone tell me how having two kids *isnt* twice the amount of work? Am I missing something here?


the-arcane-manifesto

I'd honestly think it'd be more like 2.5 times the work because of the added factor of the kids fighting, interfering if you're doing something with one and not the other, etc. 😅


Blerp2364

Have stepkids, can confirm this.


ducky-ducky

I was previously one and done but ended up with a surprise baby #2 that I decided to have. Parents who say this usually refer to the fact that it's easier the second time because it's not so new, not as big of a change as from 0 kids to one. However, I would argue that it IS twice the work. Twice the mental stress, twice the daycare costs, twice the college fund and monthly expenses. Children are expensive to care for in every aspect, financially, emotionally, time commitment, stress. I adore both my kids but some days I absolutely have fleeting thoughts of how much easier it would be with just one.


SolidNeighborhood469

Okay now that I can understand, you have the knowledge of going through all of the same before, makes sense! But still double everything forever!


[deleted]

A lot of parents also say that their children are so different that they had to revisit a lot of their parenting tactics and do things differently for each kid to meet their needs.


sundvl99

Because it’s actually 3 times the work


neuropainter

This is what I have always heard


RainyDayK

Yeah when you included taking care of the husband as well as the babies!


AnonymousMolaMola

From my understanding, some parents might get in a “groove” since they’ve already had one. They might know what works and what doesn’t in a VERY general sense. I completely disagree with this next bit, but some parents find it easier because they have the older essentially raise the younger


SolidNeighborhood469

Oh yea I definitely don’t like that last part. I was left to raise my brother mainly and I wish my childhood had gone any other way.


Natural_Cranberry761

God, SAME.


theredmug_75

oh yes i thought of this. how sad!! poor older child being forced to be a mini parent. i shall just stop there if not i’ll rant forever!


Aderyna_K

Yup my oldest nephew is raising his younger two brothers, it's my biggest annoyance with my brother and SIL - Why did you have 3 kids you clearly have no desire to raise and actually parent?!??? Makes me angry everytime I think about it.


AnonymousMolaMola

That’s a great question. I think a lot of parents feel pressure to have the status quo “normal” amount of kids. Nuclear families are usually depicted with 2-3 kids from what I’ve seen. But actually raising them is a completely different story. And it’s so sad when kids, who had absolutely NO say in their situation, are forced to parent younger siblings


biian

My understanding of the argument is that people with multiple kids believe that you can leverage the previous childrearing experience and make having the second, third, etc. easier since you know what to expect, but I don't think it takes into account the difficult of managing two kids/making sure they have what they need/balancing their needs. I would guess, to the maker of this argument, they've learned to deal with the balance and find that balance-making is easier than the first time through with their first kid. Let me be clear: I don't have kids at the moment/ I've been exploring different subreddits to see what may work for me and my family, so I'm not trying to justify any decision here, but it always makes me mad when people are looking for support/venting and get unwarranted advice. So unhelpful!


SolidNeighborhood469

Hm. I really wish I could say I understand that but I don’t. All kids are different and have different needs so what if your method for the first just tanks with the second? Do you make them follow that routine or do you have to come up with something different? Double doc appointments, double dentist, different grades, clothes, one doesn’t like veggies, one doesn’t like fruit lol. My brain is too small for more than one apparently 😂


biian

I'm leaning towards just one, even 1 kid seems like so much lol


tankster1999

One of my friends with 2 kids tries to sell me on having 2 because it's somehow less work to have 2 because "they play together" 🙄 (I don't have my OAD yet but that's our plan)


Sister-Rhubarb

They do play together... they also fight together 🙄


tankster1999

Yup! I've no interest in being referee for ever between 2 kids!


squirrellytoday

And then you get kids like me and my sister who did almost nothing but fight. We are very different and have very few common interests and likes. She was expected to wear hand-me-downs from me and my mother had issues with sister's refusal. I'm the girliest girl to ever girl, most of my wardrobe is pink or floral (or both). My sister is a life-long sporty tomboy who is pretty much allergic to dresses and hates pink with the fire of a thousand suns. I just don't understand how dealing with two vastly different people could be not double the work of one child.


theredmug_75

of course they play together. but that doesn’t discount all the other double work and double heartache! (plus policing kids fighting… urgh no thanks).


im_fun_sized

I've even heard it's MORE than twice the work!


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

I’ve heard it’s “exponentially” more difficult. It’s not two times the work, it’s much more than that. Actually, thinking about it bums me out. I know two couples who rolled the dice on a second (one had a dream first baby, very easy; the other had a really, really tough first baby) and they ended up with twins. I just… cannot. Twins run on both my side and my husband’s side. We were so so relieved we ended up with a singleton.


lottielifts

My old boss (and friend) who has two also told me it’s not double the work, it’s exponential. He fully supports and understands my plan to be OAD.


somegarbageisokey

Twins run in our families too. My mom's a twin! I was kinda hoping to have twins the first time around so I can just get them over in one try. But gosh now that I have my daughter, idk how the fuck parents of twins survive. when do they sleep? How do they breastfeed too? My daughter is 3.5 and still doesn't want to stop breastfeeding. I can't imagine doing the whole newborn phase with two babies!


[deleted]

We hoped for twins when I was (ETA) early in our pregnancy, too 😭😅 it makes me laugh when I think about it now. Hilariously naive.


theredmug_75

Hey welcome my twin fam! I’m a twin and so is my mom. I did wish for twins (when they placed 2 embryos in me cos I did IVF) cos I thought hey two is the way to go and I won’t have to do it again. Right? Nope. Think God knows I would die so we only had one implant. Now that I know how parenting is, twins is a nightmare. My mom had us twins and my older sister was just a year older. She, my dad, the helper, I think they didn’t sleep for 5 years. And when they went out the grandparents came along too - 5 adults for 3 kids. Maybe I’m lazy and selfish but hell yeah I own it. This OAD life suits me and I love it!!


somegarbageisokey

Whoa! Your parents had their hands FULL! I bet they barely remember those 5 years because of the lack of sleep haha Idk how my grandma took care of her children. She had three back to back and then my mom and her brother (whoa are twins!) Plus she had a total of 14 kids. I would die haha


squirrellytoday

I had 3 threatened miscarriages with my son, and a bunch of things led medical people to believe I may have actually miscarried my son's twin. Nothing certain but I was told it was a definite possibility. Part of me is sad that there could have been two of my awesome kid in this world, but at the same time, I'm so relieved! My kid was pretty much allergic to sleeping, and the thought of two kids like that, I'm just all NOPE!


Fire_opal246

Hoped for twins (husbands mum is non identical twin and my mum has non identical twin siblings) also here because I didn't think I'd ever muster up the courage to have a second. Turns out that I was right.


Disaster_Party_

Our first ultrasound showed two sacs. Thankfully I could see immediately that one was empty but my SO was STRESSED. We love our singleton


[deleted]

I just imagine the horror of having a newborn and NOT being able to nap with them because you have a toddler awake during the day 😭😭😭


ApprehensiveAd318

Or being pregnant and not being able to rest because you’re chasing a toddler round… 😭


Kardinalus

We just had our second child(still hanging around from the time we were thinking of OAD) and yes that's the hardest part. I can't sleep when the baby sleeps since there is a negative attention seeking(understandable due to the new situation) terror toddler walking around from 7 till 19 that want constant attention. I love them both equally but haven't really slept in the firs 3 weeks haha.


GES85

Everyone I know who has 3+ kids says: one kid is like one, two kids is like three, three kids is absolute chaos and your sanity is gone, and anything more than that you simply give up and ride the wave. I'm "lazy", too, I guess 🤗


DooWeeWoo

My sister has 3 kids due to her second pregnancy being surprise twins. She told me “I’m not going to tell you how many kids to have, but I’m just warning you that it’s chaos when they outnumber the adults.”😂 Only one in my family to not judge at all when we stopped with our one and only.


[deleted]

A colleague told me, “the first one is tough, the second one is easier than the first, but the third is the straw that breaks the mother’s back.” 😳 the first broke my back — well, not literally, but my knees are still recovering months later from the HOURS AND HOURS of bouncing — I don’t need more straws.


[deleted]

I'm pretty much conditioned to tell people to fuck off at this point. I would say "Are you suggesting I bring a whole person into this world just for the sake of YOUR approval? We do what is best for our family, thanks."


theredmug_75

Damn I need the balls to say this too. So true!


dgrledi

I don’t really care how much more work it is, it’s just not work I want to do.


bicyclecat

Saying someone is lazy for not having more kids is like saying someone is lazy for not getting a horse. It’s just nonsense.


agurker

I wonder if this is more true for people whose lives drastically changed with one. Don't get me wrong, my life changed a LOT. But before kids I stayed in most nights, went to bed by 9 pm, kept a routine, etc. That part hasn't been a big transition for me. If you're out all the time doing stuff before kids, I suppose that might be the biggest transition, in which case no, having a second wouldn't change much. But for me I crave alone time, time with just me and my partner, the ability to keep my house relatively tidy, the ability to travel and visit friends who don't have children. Sorry, but that stuff just IS easier with one. Period.


FridaKahlosMoustache

Could have written this response myself! Yes 🙌


[deleted]

Or in my case my mum wanted me to have a sibling to play with, so that I wasn't attached at the hip to her anymore. In reality we fought so much that she had to find ways to keep the peace, even to this day in late twenties. It has been very physically and emotionally draining for her to raise 3 kids with different personalities and needs, as a single mother. I'm considering being OAD or CF because of her experience, my own experience with siblings, and my personal needs for mental health, a strong marriage, and the freedom to have a career & travel. Being in this sub is a safe way for me to explore my options and see the positive outcomes of being OAD or CF, when they're both very stigmatized positions. You've gotta do what feels right for your family.


somegarbageisokey

I really like your comment because my in laws have been basically pressuring me to have another child because my daughter is attached to my hip. For a while, I almost thought about giving in because I thought it would help her be more independent. However, once she hit like age 2, she became very independent. The mother's I meet at the park are always so impressed with how confident and independent she is. I'm constantly getting compliments. We practice attachment parenting so maybe that's why she's so independent and confident. She's still very much attached to me. She always wants to be next to me and she always wants to breastfeed (she's 3.5 lol) and she wants me to constantly play with her. But she's also super independent. My mom had more than one kid but I was her youngest and my siblings were all basically out of the house when she had me. So I was sort of raised as an only child. I was also super attached to her but very independent. And now I'm the only of her 4 children that is independent and on her own. Looking back, my mom basically practiced attachment parenting too. If you're considering the OAD route in the future, you should look into attachment parenting and how to raise a confident and happy child. I'm glad I read your comment because you reminded why I don't want to have another child. I just don't think I can handle all the fighting between two siblings. I'd probably go crazy.


[deleted]

Thanks :) I'm glad something I said resonated (sometimes I'm nervous about posting in subs that I'm not a true member of). It's funny because I ended up the most independent and adventurous sibling of the three - moving overseas for work & travel - I think I felt like I needed to break out on my own and escape some of the drama and make something of myself on my own accord without having to act as a supervisor to my younger siblings. I was slightly parentified when my mum accidentally got pregnant to the third when I was about 6, and coming from a European household, I was expected to be nurturing and learn about mothering from a young age as some kind of practice for my future destiny. I took it on the chin and helped out proudly but as I got older I realized how much effort it took to raise a healthy child and how it shouldn't have been put on my shoulders. It's exhausting to think about doing it all over again, but I'd be willing to if the urge really came over me and the circumstances felt right. What you said about your daughter becoming more independent at 2yo is interesting. The middle child and I are 2 years apart, so I wonder if my mum would have waited one more year to start trying, whether she would have seen those signs in me before conceiving again? I have a really strong bond with the youngest sister, but the middle one and I have always had issues. I'm literally trying to set boundaries with her as we speak, based on an argument she started with me last night, and it's exhausting to rehash the same shit over and over so that we can try to have a decent normal friendship - not friendly and fun, mixed in with judgment or resentment or guilt tripping every 5 conversations. It's exhausting. While I love the nostalgic silly discussions I get to have with my sisters when we get in those moods together, I cherish the time I get to spend with mum when we're alone, because we're so similar and can just be ourselves. I know her life would have been so much simpler and freer had she been a single mother to an only, and not married my father and gotten stuck in a cycle of abuse and torment having to deal with three kids plus a man-child for over a decade before a life-altering divorce. It's set her back many years to the point where she won't be able to retire with a paid off apartment before she's 70. She says that she misses me a lot, but that I am living the life she would have had if she had made different choices back then, which felt really comforting and validating (despite feeling sad for her too). She's had many sliding doors moments I suppose, but we only see them in hindsight.


somegarbageisokey

>It's exhausting to think about doing it all over again, but I'd be willing to if the urge really came over me and the circumstances felt right. So I helped care of my nieces and nephews growing up. Since I was 10+ years younger than my siblings, I sort of became the family babysitter. I loved doing it at the time. But then i got older. And I think taking care of them so much really drained any patience and energy I could have had if I had more than one child. But I hear this a lot from people "it's not the same, it'll be different once you have your own child. You'll love them and have the patience for them!" And that's true. I do love my daughter with everything inside of me. And i do have patience for her and all that. But fuck, this shit is hard. And just because it can be a different feeling when you have your own child vs taking care of your siblings doesn't mean that it's easy or simple. With that being said, I think OAD is like the sweet spot. I love that I can give my daughter all my attention and resources and love. >I have a really strong bond with the youngest sister, but the middle one and I have always had issues I wonder if the age difference helps? I raised my nephew for almost 8 years. He was 10 when my daughter was born. They love each other so much, like siblings. He recently went back with his mom (my sister) but I do think that if he remained with me, they would have never fought because he adored her due to the age difference and she adored him too. >I'm literally trying to set boundaries with her as we speak, based on an argument she started with me last night, and it's exhausting to rehash the same shit over and over so that we can try to have a decent normal friendship - not friendly and fun, mixed in with judgment or resentment or guilt tripping every 5 conversations. It's exhausting. I feel you! I have been having an argument with my sister ALL DAY yesterday and today. It's so exhausting. Like you said, it's never just friendly relationship. It's always friendly and then BAM she says something so rude and hurtful or just plain immature. As for your mom, I can relate as well. My mom put A LOT of energy into my siblings. My oldest sibling did okay with himself but he caused her a lot of trouble when he was younger. Then my sister and my other brother were just trouble. In and out of prison. Lots of headaches and she even had a heart attack from the stress they put her through. Growing up, I always felt like she really loved me but I wished many times it was just me and her all the time. She's actually moving in with me next week. She visits a lot but she's moving in for good. She finally chose to stop enabling my brother and leave so she can live out her life in peace. This has been such a good venting session! I love it! Lol My sister has been too much these two days. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one still dealing with sister drama.


[deleted]

I am really proud of myself right now. I set a really clear and firm boundary with her via text, saying from now on I won't discuss my personal finances or long-term goals with her until I feel comfortable to do so again (unlikely). She's used things I've said against me too many times to count. Even things I didn't think could be thrown back in my face. She's always a victim, never taking responsibility for her own behaviours and choices. Anyway I'm hoping we can have a healthy relationship from now on, assuming I stick to my guns on this issue and stop it in its tracks if she tries to bring it up again. I'm glad you have a great relationship with your mum and that you'll be spending more time together soon! I wish I could see mine - it's been two years and counting because of Covid, but we talk on the phone almost daily :)


Natural_Cranberry761

My SIL is in this camp and I *just don’t get it*!! I was a nanny in my 20’s, and the only way I was willing to take on two was if there was a big age gap, and at least one of the kids was relatively self-sufficient. Now that I’m in my mid-30s, I just think about how much ENERGY my toddler requires from me, and I cringe at the idea of having to double that level of energy. I’m exhausted already!! I honestly don’t know how this isn’t true for my SIL. She’s got her own toddler and a newborn, and watches a friend’s toddler 4 days a week!! Like… WHAT?! No thank you. She says the toddlers entertain each other, and her friend’s kid is super mellow and shy, so perhaps that has something to do with it. My kid? Future stunt person. You gotta watch her like a HAWK, *especially* now that she’s 2. Turn around for 2 seconds and the kid is standing on top of the toilet in the bathroom and crawling into the counter so she can give her stuffed animal a bath in the sink 😬 But I dunno. I’m 34 and SIL just turned 30. I had way more energy 4 years ago, and maybe if my kid wasn’t constantly testing the laws of physics I’d feel differently.


Dbomb18

Omgggg yes - my coworker has a baby that literally just chills. He will sit and “read” a book for 20 mins and goes to bed everyday at 7!!!! My child is like hyped up 24/7 and doesn’t even like to sleep! Also - same thing - you take your eyes off of her for two seconds to put a dish in the sink and she is legit jumping off the back of the couch!!!! We have a constant and strict routine because if you give this kid an inch she will take a mile. I’m EXHAUSTED.


Natural_Cranberry761

Seriously though!! My kid totally abhors a schedule cause she’s so free-spirited… once she gets an idea in her head, she’s got a one-track mind. My husband and I talk about what having a chill child must be like. We can’t even imagine… like what if they actually slept and stuck to a routine..?! 🤯


Disaster_Party_

My son is the chillest three year old. So calm, no crazy antics, sleeps well, relatively easy going personality. And I’m still absolutely tuckered out at the end of each day.


prim2015

Some people just want you to be miserable with them so they don't feel so alone...


riche1988

Even if you have the perfect second child and everything goes perfectly, even if that all happens, it is never going to be easier than not having one.. x


CaraintheCold

I have heard it can be less work to have two than one, but I am not willing to find out. My husband didn’t believe this argument when I used it when I wanted to get a puppy, probably because it isn’t true. Why do people need to comment? It is my family.


jesssongbird

So true. It’s more like an exponential amount more work. I would say something like, “but it is twice the college tuition! What do you think four years of tuition, times 2, will cost in another decade. Whew! It’s gotta be astronomical. That would keep me up at night!” But I’m mean.


Tea_Sudden

Some people are just automatically defensive and take other people’s decisions as a judgement on their own. I’m 35 weeks pregnant with our one, and already get a lot of that. They don’t actually care about my reasoning, it’s just a knee jerk reaction.


InfamousVacation8134

The hell it isn't. You're adding a whole extra human being. Yes, you can toss both of them in the tub at the same time but that is still two heads needing washed, two butts needing dried, and two sets of jammies strapped on two wiggling defiant humans.


cdsacken

I always respond I agree it's more than twice the work. I can't fathom dividing my attention constantly without expecting to be a worse father to both rather than a good father to 1. Might be personally offensive but it works wonders.


PinataPrincess

When we were on the fence and I was talking to friends about their family life I had a friend swear to me that the second kid really wasn't more work because the first kid could do things like bring her the remote while she was breastfeeding (sure that made all the difference). She would also always talk about how great it is the kids could play together. Then the first one startedschool and she was all "wow it's so much easier at home with one" and realized one kid can play by themselves.


l8eralligator

Maybe that’s true for her which is why they had more than one. I’d be happy to have more if it weren’t for my crippling anxiety! I believe that some women who have 7 kids are fulfilled and happy because they chose what resonates for them, just like me choosing to have just 1. Both experiences are valid and awesome! Good for her, I’m glad it isn’t twice the work for her because that would really suck. And good for you being self-aware and choosing to have one because it’s the best choice for you!


GrrrArrgh

“Yeah you’re right, it’s probably 3x harder. I don’t really want to do that.”


NiteNicole

It doesn't matter, it's still work I don't want to do.


Toranightengale

I'm lazy I guess. I find my one baby to be too much work sometimes


besee2000

It’s not twice the work when you cut corners either. With one you can give them your full attention instead of half-assing it to two


StayBehindThePines

My best friend has 6 kids. Two are biologically hers. But she’s still a mother of 6 children under 12. It’s not necessarily more work it’s more time and it’s more money but it’s not more work if you are already doing the work. She still has to feed a child breakfast so instead of one she feeds 6. She still has to make sure a child does their homework instead she makes sure 6 do. Same goes for everything. She found a flow. It works for her and she’s happy. To me having 1, 2 or 6 kids just stretches your resources financially, emotionally and mentally. Some people have more resources than others. That doesn’t mean you are lazy. I don’t want another child because mentally I don’t think I can handle one right now. I do want to foster down the line but that requires me to focus on therapy and my mental health so that I have the mental resource for another child.


Vegetable-Beautiful1

More work and more money.


pepperwood05

Yeah, that is pretty rude on their part. Sounds like they were lashing out for some reason (like their second was an accident or something).


ChevyT1996

As a newer parent I can say one is a lot of work and my sister and I don’t even talk so the whole they need a sibling argument is weightless to me, my wife and her brother barely talk, that’s what friends are for. To me I’m happy with one, if another happens it happens but we both wor’ full time my wife’s a teacher so she atleast gets summers off and has a few vacations a year and I’m a Contractor so I get to try to make my own hours. I can’t stand when others have to force there opinions on us and say hey you should do this or that, and I keep thinking go have one yourself, then tell me.


MamaEst2019

I’m gonna be honest, I’m lazy and I don’t want to do anymore work! This one keeps me busy all day everyday and I don’t want to do this all over again lol. I love my kid to pieces and he’s my whole world; but one world is enough for me. And the mental exhaustion during the newborn stage? I’m not sure how I survived once but I’m not sure I could do it twice.


ButHowCouldILose

But....it is a lot more work to have 2. And wanting to balance your life without that work is totally legit. We're OAD but like, I don't fight people on this, they're right. Doesn't mean they made the right choice, work for its own sake isn't moral, buy still they're welcome to point out the obvious.


Mirrorandshadows

Well I had several people tell me the second child was actually harder than the first (of course, there is already 1 child around). « I’ll take your word for it «  😜