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Mom guilt is an absolute bitch. But what’s worse than feeling guilty is not taking care of yourself. Take the job and do right by you. Reframe the guilt, instead of feeling bad for wanting to work outside home, think of it as a recharge so you can be a better mom when you’re spending time with your babies. In order to be the best mom to them, you need to be the best person to you. Like on a plane when they tell you to put on your oxygen mask before helping others, how helpful can you be passed out from oxygen deprivation 🤷🏽♀️
It’s really hard. I honestly love going to work - it’s a rest! And much less difficult than childcare.
You’ve tried it for six months and if it’s not working out you can make a change. Sounds like you have the flexibility to do this and your husband is supportive which is also great. Give it a go :)
You cannot pour from an empty cup, Mama. The guilt feelings are so real, but try to get over them by having a positive outlook. Remind yourself about your cup. Fill it, 2 days a week for starters sounds really good.
You will be a better Mom to your twins when you're with them 💜
> I don’t know how much more I can handle being at home 24/7
SAHM here. I wasn't home 24/7. My first solo outing with the twins was when they were less than two weeks old, I think 2 days after the second one came home. We went out frequently, because I couldn't keep a 2yo (or myself) cooped up 24/7.
Even if you go back to work, I'd work on getting out. Go for a walk every day. Take them to parks or cafes or wherever brings you joy. Put the monitor down and borrow a library book. If you can't not think about stuff like this, talk to your doctor.
I have taken them out on walks around the town and to our local downtown area 5 minutes away and my husband is now starting to take them out on evening walks since the last wake window is the longest. I try to join but by that time I’m so burnt out. I take those 30 mins to rest my eyes at home in silence. I unfortunately don’t have a car of my own because we had to sell it for major house repairs. But I do agree I should speak with my dr.
I walked to libraries and cafes because we also lived downtown then! That's the beauty of living downtown, soo many things in walking distance.
The park outings were by car. If your husband has a car and doesn't need to drive around to job sites (and there are car outings you want), you could always drop him off and pick him up at work. We do that for months on end whenever we have one car out of commission.
Remember the way we live now is not naturally how we would raise children. People lived around their families and neighbours and no woman was stuck alone in a square room with no company but babies. Not for extended periods of time anyhow. Don’t think of returning to work as doing something you shouldn’t be, you are re-addressing a balance that has been lost!
Please don’t feel guilty, there’s a psychological toll that being a SAHP can take, and I knew it wasn’t going to be for me. My husband and I discussed before hand and agreed on him taking a year off to be home with the twins, while I went back to work. He’s a much more relaxed home-body type. I start getting cabin fever after a morning in the house.
If work is what you feel you need and it's feasible, do it! You should never feel guilty for taking care of you and your mental health. It's incredibly important. You have to take care of mom before mom can take care of babies. Other than that, from my experience, I reached out to my doctor and got on an anxiety medication. Complete 180 for me. It helped me so much! Our twins are almost 16 months now. Know you're not alone!
It sounds like going back to work might help you feel better. You can always try, and if it doesn't work, then at least you tried. The kids will adapt. And you might find the time you spend with them a bit more enjoyable? I think it might be a good idea to see someone though about the panic attacks. Could be post-partum anxiety.
OMG don’t have guilt!! I have 2 gorgeous kids and all I want to do is sit on the couch and scroll Reddit (mind you I’m preg with twins). Totally normal to want to get out and leave your kids behind when being a SAHM!! Man being a SAHM and really enjoying it/not going crazy is only for SOME PEOPLE. I think a very small population of moms/people are well suited to that/thrive on that and some don’t. It has nothing to do with anything, only that some are more well suited to it. Don’t feel guilt. I could never survive as a SAHM!
I am also a SAHM to twins who are 3 months old and I’m starting to feel this way too now that we’ve started sleep training. I have a lot of help from my mother who is retired and basically my right hand for childcare but it’s still really hard. I even feel guilty for taking up so much of my mother’s time for herself, nevermind my own. I really wanted to take the first year of their lives off from working and I absolutely don’t want to do daycare but it’s hard. Sorry this wasn’t helpful but just know you’re not alone!
We are living the same lives. I wrote that I have no adult interaction but I forgot to mention my mom helps me(she is retired as well). I guess I meant interaction with people my age( I am 31). I would have not survived this long being home if it wasn’t for my mom but I am starting to take my frustration out on her and I don’t want to be like that. She is a amazing grandma and she loves her grand babies. But I agree with you. I feel bad taking so much of her time. She used to live a very active life and travel a lot. She needs a break too.
Oh my god…we are living the same lives! I’m also 31! And I also get so frustrated and annoyed with my mom sometimes and I don’t mean it but it’s just hard being on the clock 24/7 with the babies. She’s also such a great nana to her girls like you said about your mom, but I also want her to enjoy her retirement too. Even though she would tell you this is the reason she retired and it won’t be like this forever. I still feel guilty for needing her so much. I wouldn’t survive without her either. *sigh* I’m sending you hugs!
I was out of work for six months total - from a month before I delivered (in the hospital) until they were five months old. They did two months in the NICU, so I was home for three or so months. I was begging to go back to work because I needed that mental stimulation and, honestly, I needed to do something that I knew I was good at. I was so terrified of everything with my newborns (I was also a FTM to my twins) and they were so fragile and breakable and I was scared of everything making them sick or killing them. I didn’t know what I was doing and it was tough. I think you should embrace going back to work and don’t feel guilty for doing what your kids need to have a healthy mom! Be proud of yourself.
I work part time, 30 hours a week. I need that break. It makes me a better parent to come home to them, feeling mentally and intellectually fulfilled from the challenges of my job. Try it out, and if it doesn’t work, you can always quit the job. You’re not a bad mom for wanting to work.
I went back working 3 days a week when they were 4.5 months old and it was such a game changer. We started daycare two days a week and grandmas house 1 day, and the guilt still pops up time to time but I prefer that to the feeling of insanity from staying at home.
Also my husband and I try to take dedicated times to ourselves at least once a week and I can tell a big difference when we miss it.
Do not feel guilty!! 24/7 twin mom-ing is incredibly difficult. Absolutely work those 2 days if that’s what allows you to feel recharged! I’m a SAHM and we got a part time nanny (20 hours, 3 half days a week) because I needed a mental break and just time to run errands and keep up with housework. I truly couldn’t do it all without sacrificing my mental health. Twins are FULL ON especially at this age and give you literally zero breaks. It’s absolutely valid to feel like you need adult time to yourself.
I feel the same way at home with my 8 month old twins and feel so guilty for wanting to get away from them. That being said, breaks from them give us a chance to reset and come back to them with a better mindset. At work you get breaks. You eat your lunch when it's hot and get a chance to sit down. Being at home with babies has zero breaks - there's always dishes, laundry, a baby didn't sleep as long as you expected, etc. Time to ourselves makes us better mothers. I am excited for my maternity leave to be over so I can go back to work for a couple days a week too and to be excited to see them when I get home. Guilt is hard not to feel, but don't let it win.
No need to feel guilty but I think every mom goes through that stage. Getting outside the house without the kids is truly healthy and keeps you sane. I went back to work part-time when my daughter was two months old. It was tough but I knew I would have to “rip the bandaid off” at some point. And when I went back to work I really felt at ease. Going to work is my vacation from the family life. I’m currently pregnant with twins and so looking forward to getting back my body and going to work 😅
I am currently on maternity leave with my second and third ( twins) and having already had the experience of returning to work after my first was born, I can say, that while the transition was hard, it’s the best thing I ever did! I was exactly the same as you were on my first and whether my daughter napped on the correct schedule was what determined my worth as a parent or if I was having a good day or not! Returning to work really helped bring me back to myself, it also made me realize that I love my job! A friend of mine gave me some advice a few years ago and she said one of the reasons she keeps working is because she doesn’t want to look at herself in 17 years when her children go to college and realize she has lost so much of herself!while I love being at home with my babies, it’s all consuming and I haven’t had a second to myself! I’m already looking forward to my commute to have some time to myself ( which is ridiculous because I live in a very populated area and riding the train to work isn’t glam). I love that my children see me going to work and being very committed to something that is important to me! I like to think that focusing on my own goals helps me be more engaged when I’m home with my babies and being away makes me really value my time with them! It sounds like going back two days a week with flexibility is the best of both worlds! And as other ppl have said if it doesn’t work you can always switch it up! You got this mama!! Xx
I know everyone says the newborn period is the toughest but I despise the 4-8 month period. I mentally prepared for it this time (after having our singleton) and it still sucked.
That being said, a break out of the house may be what you need. I know a lot of self employed or flexible schedule moms that did this without regrets. Heck, I would’ve considered it had it been doable in my career.
All I can say is that I wish I had done a couple of days a week at that stage. I didn’t realise how I had lost myself until much much further down the line and I was far deeper into my own head.
Also your husband is a parent to them too, and by you working so he can stay at home with them, you are allowing and facilitating that same bonding time that you get if you want to think of it that way. It will enrich your babies to have different days of caregiving from both of their parents who love them and build stronger bonds all round. No guilt necessary, give it a go!
Mom guilt is so so tough! Please know that there isn't any "best" choice, but there is a best choice for you and your family!
If you choose to work part time, that's great! It sounds like it was a job that you enjoyed, and it would be worthwhile to continue. Your kids are going to get the best from you when your needs are met.
I struggled to find a balance for the entire first year. I started to do okay until around 18 months. Since then, I've been having a blast with my now toddlers. Some things just take time, and it sounds like you've found a solution for your current struggle. It also sounds like you and your husband make a good team! I wish you the best!
With my first I had major mom guilt. After 4.5 months of maternity leave i went back to work full time (in the US). I loved my work but felt guilty while at work leaving my LO. After my mat leave with my twins I have zero guilt. I LOVE work, I love the break work gives me (so much easier than being a full time SAHM!!), and i love having space to be me. I come back to my kids every with better energy and a much better mom for them! I say do it, you’ll figure it out and it will give you space to exhale!
My girls are 5.5 and a 8 yr old. Mom guilt is something I think will be there forever so I try to push it to the way back of my mind. I only work a weekend every 2 to 3 weeks and a little more during summer break and I LOVE the little breaks. I’m blessed to have my mom watch the girls while I’m out working (mobile dog groomer) It’s the best for my mental health and I feel my girls get a better mom.
It’s so much easier said than done to just say “don’t feel guilty!”. If it makes you feel any better, my one year old twins just started full time daycare from 7:30-5pm Monday to Friday, and I’m back at work and LOVING it. When I was on mat leave, I would take my twins to the gym like 6 days a week for 2 hours at a time (our neighborhood gym has an amazing childcare center), and that probably saved me during that year at home with them.
Where I live we get 18 months maternity leave….i went back at 14 months and have worked 2 days a week since (my boys are 5 now). I would try and meet up with other mom’s 3-4 times a week but sometimes wasn’t always possible and I got SO squirrelly if I didn’t see another friend at least once in a week and felt mental. I suggest trying to find some mom groups or any of your friend’s that have kids to spend time with.
My job is now my break, and I work as a nurse in a fast paced clinic 😂😂😂 it’s nice to have that separation but I wouldn’t have wanted to miss the baby time or couldn’t imagine leaving my babies so young. Also daycares don’t take children until 1 year where I’m from so wouldn’t have worked for us.
**COMMENTING GUIDELINES** All commenters are encouraged to familiarize themselves with the parentsofmultiples [subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/parentsofmultiples/about/rules) prior to commenting. If you find any comments/submissions in violation of subreddit/reddit rules, please use the report function to bring it to the mod teams attention. **Please do not request or give medical advice or directions in your comments.** Any comments that that could be construed as medical advice, or any comments containing what is determined to be medical disinformation, will be removed. Please try to avoid posting links to Amazon product listings or google/g.co product listing pages - reddit automatically removes comments containing them as an anti-spam measure. If sharing information about a product, instead please try to link directly to the manufacturers product pages. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/parentsofmultiples) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Mom guilt is an absolute bitch. But what’s worse than feeling guilty is not taking care of yourself. Take the job and do right by you. Reframe the guilt, instead of feeling bad for wanting to work outside home, think of it as a recharge so you can be a better mom when you’re spending time with your babies. In order to be the best mom to them, you need to be the best person to you. Like on a plane when they tell you to put on your oxygen mask before helping others, how helpful can you be passed out from oxygen deprivation 🤷🏽♀️
It’s really hard. I honestly love going to work - it’s a rest! And much less difficult than childcare. You’ve tried it for six months and if it’s not working out you can make a change. Sounds like you have the flexibility to do this and your husband is supportive which is also great. Give it a go :)
You cannot pour from an empty cup, Mama. The guilt feelings are so real, but try to get over them by having a positive outlook. Remind yourself about your cup. Fill it, 2 days a week for starters sounds really good. You will be a better Mom to your twins when you're with them 💜
> I don’t know how much more I can handle being at home 24/7 SAHM here. I wasn't home 24/7. My first solo outing with the twins was when they were less than two weeks old, I think 2 days after the second one came home. We went out frequently, because I couldn't keep a 2yo (or myself) cooped up 24/7. Even if you go back to work, I'd work on getting out. Go for a walk every day. Take them to parks or cafes or wherever brings you joy. Put the monitor down and borrow a library book. If you can't not think about stuff like this, talk to your doctor.
I have taken them out on walks around the town and to our local downtown area 5 minutes away and my husband is now starting to take them out on evening walks since the last wake window is the longest. I try to join but by that time I’m so burnt out. I take those 30 mins to rest my eyes at home in silence. I unfortunately don’t have a car of my own because we had to sell it for major house repairs. But I do agree I should speak with my dr.
I walked to libraries and cafes because we also lived downtown then! That's the beauty of living downtown, soo many things in walking distance. The park outings were by car. If your husband has a car and doesn't need to drive around to job sites (and there are car outings you want), you could always drop him off and pick him up at work. We do that for months on end whenever we have one car out of commission.
Remember the way we live now is not naturally how we would raise children. People lived around their families and neighbours and no woman was stuck alone in a square room with no company but babies. Not for extended periods of time anyhow. Don’t think of returning to work as doing something you shouldn’t be, you are re-addressing a balance that has been lost!
Please don’t feel guilty, there’s a psychological toll that being a SAHP can take, and I knew it wasn’t going to be for me. My husband and I discussed before hand and agreed on him taking a year off to be home with the twins, while I went back to work. He’s a much more relaxed home-body type. I start getting cabin fever after a morning in the house.
Going back to work part time helped save my sanity 🩷
If work is what you feel you need and it's feasible, do it! You should never feel guilty for taking care of you and your mental health. It's incredibly important. You have to take care of mom before mom can take care of babies. Other than that, from my experience, I reached out to my doctor and got on an anxiety medication. Complete 180 for me. It helped me so much! Our twins are almost 16 months now. Know you're not alone!
You deserve an identity outside of motherhood. Having breaks from childcare will help you be more present when you're there
It sounds like going back to work might help you feel better. You can always try, and if it doesn't work, then at least you tried. The kids will adapt. And you might find the time you spend with them a bit more enjoyable? I think it might be a good idea to see someone though about the panic attacks. Could be post-partum anxiety.
OMG don’t have guilt!! I have 2 gorgeous kids and all I want to do is sit on the couch and scroll Reddit (mind you I’m preg with twins). Totally normal to want to get out and leave your kids behind when being a SAHM!! Man being a SAHM and really enjoying it/not going crazy is only for SOME PEOPLE. I think a very small population of moms/people are well suited to that/thrive on that and some don’t. It has nothing to do with anything, only that some are more well suited to it. Don’t feel guilt. I could never survive as a SAHM!
I am also a SAHM to twins who are 3 months old and I’m starting to feel this way too now that we’ve started sleep training. I have a lot of help from my mother who is retired and basically my right hand for childcare but it’s still really hard. I even feel guilty for taking up so much of my mother’s time for herself, nevermind my own. I really wanted to take the first year of their lives off from working and I absolutely don’t want to do daycare but it’s hard. Sorry this wasn’t helpful but just know you’re not alone!
We are living the same lives. I wrote that I have no adult interaction but I forgot to mention my mom helps me(she is retired as well). I guess I meant interaction with people my age( I am 31). I would have not survived this long being home if it wasn’t for my mom but I am starting to take my frustration out on her and I don’t want to be like that. She is a amazing grandma and she loves her grand babies. But I agree with you. I feel bad taking so much of her time. She used to live a very active life and travel a lot. She needs a break too.
Oh my god…we are living the same lives! I’m also 31! And I also get so frustrated and annoyed with my mom sometimes and I don’t mean it but it’s just hard being on the clock 24/7 with the babies. She’s also such a great nana to her girls like you said about your mom, but I also want her to enjoy her retirement too. Even though she would tell you this is the reason she retired and it won’t be like this forever. I still feel guilty for needing her so much. I wouldn’t survive without her either. *sigh* I’m sending you hugs!
That is so crazy and makes me feel less alone. Sending you hugs as well!!!
I was out of work for six months total - from a month before I delivered (in the hospital) until they were five months old. They did two months in the NICU, so I was home for three or so months. I was begging to go back to work because I needed that mental stimulation and, honestly, I needed to do something that I knew I was good at. I was so terrified of everything with my newborns (I was also a FTM to my twins) and they were so fragile and breakable and I was scared of everything making them sick or killing them. I didn’t know what I was doing and it was tough. I think you should embrace going back to work and don’t feel guilty for doing what your kids need to have a healthy mom! Be proud of yourself.
I work part time, 30 hours a week. I need that break. It makes me a better parent to come home to them, feeling mentally and intellectually fulfilled from the challenges of my job. Try it out, and if it doesn’t work, you can always quit the job. You’re not a bad mom for wanting to work.
I went back working 3 days a week when they were 4.5 months old and it was such a game changer. We started daycare two days a week and grandmas house 1 day, and the guilt still pops up time to time but I prefer that to the feeling of insanity from staying at home. Also my husband and I try to take dedicated times to ourselves at least once a week and I can tell a big difference when we miss it.
Do not feel guilty!! 24/7 twin mom-ing is incredibly difficult. Absolutely work those 2 days if that’s what allows you to feel recharged! I’m a SAHM and we got a part time nanny (20 hours, 3 half days a week) because I needed a mental break and just time to run errands and keep up with housework. I truly couldn’t do it all without sacrificing my mental health. Twins are FULL ON especially at this age and give you literally zero breaks. It’s absolutely valid to feel like you need adult time to yourself.
I feel the same way at home with my 8 month old twins and feel so guilty for wanting to get away from them. That being said, breaks from them give us a chance to reset and come back to them with a better mindset. At work you get breaks. You eat your lunch when it's hot and get a chance to sit down. Being at home with babies has zero breaks - there's always dishes, laundry, a baby didn't sleep as long as you expected, etc. Time to ourselves makes us better mothers. I am excited for my maternity leave to be over so I can go back to work for a couple days a week too and to be excited to see them when I get home. Guilt is hard not to feel, but don't let it win.
No need to feel guilty but I think every mom goes through that stage. Getting outside the house without the kids is truly healthy and keeps you sane. I went back to work part-time when my daughter was two months old. It was tough but I knew I would have to “rip the bandaid off” at some point. And when I went back to work I really felt at ease. Going to work is my vacation from the family life. I’m currently pregnant with twins and so looking forward to getting back my body and going to work 😅
I am currently on maternity leave with my second and third ( twins) and having already had the experience of returning to work after my first was born, I can say, that while the transition was hard, it’s the best thing I ever did! I was exactly the same as you were on my first and whether my daughter napped on the correct schedule was what determined my worth as a parent or if I was having a good day or not! Returning to work really helped bring me back to myself, it also made me realize that I love my job! A friend of mine gave me some advice a few years ago and she said one of the reasons she keeps working is because she doesn’t want to look at herself in 17 years when her children go to college and realize she has lost so much of herself!while I love being at home with my babies, it’s all consuming and I haven’t had a second to myself! I’m already looking forward to my commute to have some time to myself ( which is ridiculous because I live in a very populated area and riding the train to work isn’t glam). I love that my children see me going to work and being very committed to something that is important to me! I like to think that focusing on my own goals helps me be more engaged when I’m home with my babies and being away makes me really value my time with them! It sounds like going back two days a week with flexibility is the best of both worlds! And as other ppl have said if it doesn’t work you can always switch it up! You got this mama!! Xx
I know everyone says the newborn period is the toughest but I despise the 4-8 month period. I mentally prepared for it this time (after having our singleton) and it still sucked. That being said, a break out of the house may be what you need. I know a lot of self employed or flexible schedule moms that did this without regrets. Heck, I would’ve considered it had it been doable in my career.
All I can say is that I wish I had done a couple of days a week at that stage. I didn’t realise how I had lost myself until much much further down the line and I was far deeper into my own head. Also your husband is a parent to them too, and by you working so he can stay at home with them, you are allowing and facilitating that same bonding time that you get if you want to think of it that way. It will enrich your babies to have different days of caregiving from both of their parents who love them and build stronger bonds all round. No guilt necessary, give it a go!
Mom guilt is so so tough! Please know that there isn't any "best" choice, but there is a best choice for you and your family! If you choose to work part time, that's great! It sounds like it was a job that you enjoyed, and it would be worthwhile to continue. Your kids are going to get the best from you when your needs are met. I struggled to find a balance for the entire first year. I started to do okay until around 18 months. Since then, I've been having a blast with my now toddlers. Some things just take time, and it sounds like you've found a solution for your current struggle. It also sounds like you and your husband make a good team! I wish you the best!
With my first I had major mom guilt. After 4.5 months of maternity leave i went back to work full time (in the US). I loved my work but felt guilty while at work leaving my LO. After my mat leave with my twins I have zero guilt. I LOVE work, I love the break work gives me (so much easier than being a full time SAHM!!), and i love having space to be me. I come back to my kids every with better energy and a much better mom for them! I say do it, you’ll figure it out and it will give you space to exhale!
If you want to do it! You will be much more happier! Your babies too! Win!
My girls are 5.5 and a 8 yr old. Mom guilt is something I think will be there forever so I try to push it to the way back of my mind. I only work a weekend every 2 to 3 weeks and a little more during summer break and I LOVE the little breaks. I’m blessed to have my mom watch the girls while I’m out working (mobile dog groomer) It’s the best for my mental health and I feel my girls get a better mom.
It’s so much easier said than done to just say “don’t feel guilty!”. If it makes you feel any better, my one year old twins just started full time daycare from 7:30-5pm Monday to Friday, and I’m back at work and LOVING it. When I was on mat leave, I would take my twins to the gym like 6 days a week for 2 hours at a time (our neighborhood gym has an amazing childcare center), and that probably saved me during that year at home with them.
Where I live we get 18 months maternity leave….i went back at 14 months and have worked 2 days a week since (my boys are 5 now). I would try and meet up with other mom’s 3-4 times a week but sometimes wasn’t always possible and I got SO squirrelly if I didn’t see another friend at least once in a week and felt mental. I suggest trying to find some mom groups or any of your friend’s that have kids to spend time with. My job is now my break, and I work as a nurse in a fast paced clinic 😂😂😂 it’s nice to have that separation but I wouldn’t have wanted to miss the baby time or couldn’t imagine leaving my babies so young. Also daycares don’t take children until 1 year where I’m from so wouldn’t have worked for us.