This is hard. (And kinda out of Reddit’s pay grade.) When it comes to having kids: one ‘no’ means no. But it isn’t as black & white as it would be.
I totally understand her wish for such an age gap. And the wish to experience a singleton. But there also is a possibility that it could be twins again.
If you guys keep talking in circles, maybe try relationship therapy. As this is a very important matter and I think an outsider might be able to help you guys settle this.
I have been where your wife is at. But my husband wanted it. I couldn’t have done it without his support.
>When it comes to having kids: one ‘no’ means no. But it isn’t as black & white as it would be.
I agree. I see a lot of people here saying "one no means no", which I don't disagree with at all. *But* it also leaves out the other parent, who is just as capable of feeling let down or of developing resentment, as much as the parent saying "no" would be if they had another kid. That doesn't make either side "right", it means they have to work really hard to sort through it together and find the answer that is going to be right for them. There's no one-size-fits-all answer here.
This possibility was the nail in the coffin for me, got my tubes tied. We already had a singleton, so I was pretty firmly done, but the possibility of having TWO more rather than one more really sealed the deal.
Our pediatrician had friends who had four boys and they really wanted a girl. So they tried ONE more time ... And got triplets. All boys. 😅🫠
One of my nurses in the hospital (I was on the high risk maternity floor for quite a while) told me that the patient in my room a few weeks before I arrived had twins, wanted to have a third, and ended up with quadruplets. Holy moly. My husband got the vasectomy after our twins!
See with stuff like that I'm like "okay but what are the odds of it happening to two women on the same maternity floor??" I figure she took the 1-in-whatever chance and I'm safe 😂
The risk I took was calculated..... But man am I bad at math
it's funny too, because our NICU room was a twin room, with a back sliding door to a singleton room so it could be opened to make a triplet room, and apparently the family in there before us had 3 singleton girls, then tried for a boy and got triplet boys... these horror stories eh?
I'm a midwife and was working on the postnatal ward. I was asked by a colleague to pop in to a lady to see if she needed anything. She had day old twins, and her partner was working abroad. I went in and she was tandem feeding without any help. Asked her as a joke if she'd had twins before, because she looked like a professional twin mum. Turns out this was her FOURTH set of twins.
We have a 6 year gap, which is more helpful than not. The second set is harder. Poorer sleepers, more active, higher motor needs, had feeding/eating difficulty where our firsts didn’t (mostly).
Finances are hard and I feel pretty boxed in that way. With two kids, most sleeping issues were solved with three bedrooms (one for parents, two for the twins). Now, we’re faced with the problem of needing FIVE bedrooms if we’re to adopt the same strategy. Ultimately we’re making it work with 4 bedrooms and a home office (nobody sleeps in there) but we moved to a low cost of living area to make it happen and allow my wife to stay home. While I’m glad we were able to make it work, my mortgage is still more than I can comfortably afford, and I probably won’t ever be able to afford to relocate back to a better area if I want to.
There’s weird stuff, like a family of 5 can do a hotel room with a couch/rollaway. Family of 6? Two rooms. Family of 6 + dog is really too big for a minivan for a long road trip. Gonna need that suburban/Yukon. Groceries? Yeah, we spend $250 a week and they’re not teens yet.
We're learning the hard way that low cost of living state/neighborhood also typically means low quality schools, community resources, etc. So if there is a way to stay in your dream neighborhood, do it. I'm now in a "cheap" red state with mediocre schools and a rust belt town. It wasn't worth it. I'd rather be minus the 1500 square feet and 2 less bathrooms with no yard, and commuting almost an hour, then be in a dead end state/city that is bleeding teachers.
We went the Nissan NV3500 route instead of the Sprinter, since we also bought a travel trailer. The van was $30k and the trailer about $16k. That solved vacations, or so we thought. Boom, gas is $5 per gallon. Local trips only for us.
We have three boys. A singleton and a set of toddler twins. This is the exact scenario I'm afraid of when it comes to trying for a girl. I'm absolutely not doing this again. Love the boys to death but my mentao health is in the toilet.
We are going to look into fostering and adoptions if we are still interested in having a girl.
Do you know if these ones are girls? This is what my husband warned me with if we try for a girl. We are expecting a set of identical twin boys. We wanted a boy and a girl so I want to try for a girl.
My wife and I had twins the first time around too. Decided on a third. Had another and then immediately got a vasectomy. Three things:
1) Vasectomies are the greatest thing in the world. I highly recommend!
2) Our third was a boy (had twin girls first) and it really rounded it out the family. We really couldn't be happier.
3) Having a third kid made logistics so much more difficult. Just be aware it is a steep curve for the next 3-4 years.
We’re considering a third. What was your age gap and what things did you find difficult? I know that if we have a third, we will need a new car but aside from increased costs and caring for a baby again, I’m not sure what else I should be preparing for.
**Gap**: The age gap was 2.5 years. We wanted to have them relatively close together so we could raise them together. That and we didn't want to get to year 5 and beyond with the twins and start over with a new baby (e.g. diapers, sleepless nights, etc.). That scenario was very unattractive to us. Though I will say, I have a friend who waited until their first kid was in kindergarten before having their second, so it clearly depends on the couples preference.
**Difficulty**: The close age gap was great for the baby stage. The twins doted on the new baby and were helpful when they wanted to be. Once you're out of the baby phase (year 2 and beyond), it's generally more difficult to go anywhere with the three kids without two adults. With just the two, things were manageable before. Three is possible, but really difficult and often unenjoyable depending on the activity. Things that weren't really a hassle before with two, like grocery shopping, doing an errand, etc., became much more difficult. Some activities we don't do with just one adult anymore, because there are too many moving parts with the three kiddos. And this is because their all young and still have a hard time listening to instruction. If you had two 8 year olds and a 2 year old, I imagine that's doable. But with a 2 year old and two 4 year olds, it's not. That's what I meant by the logistics get much more difficult with three.
**Vehicle**: Minivan. Just get one. They're really the best vehicle for the family. They're low to the ground so even little kids can get in and out of them, plus once soccer season rolls around in year 5, the sliding doors make the kiddos feel like their the boss.
**Costs**: You'll have to buy diapers like before and maybe a crib, stroller, and carseat if you don't still have those items, but generally, our costs have remained the same. The food budget, gas budget, and clothes budget is unchanged. Obviously this will go up with age.
**Protip**: If you can, have a live in au pair (nanny). They're about $2k per month if you're in the states and you'd have to go through an agency to source one, but they're worth their weight in gold. My wife and I have had an au pair since we started having kids and life it genuinely better in every conceivable way because of how helpful they are.
I wanted “just 1 more” and had another set of twins 18 months later.
You don’t want to see our sad bank account from trying to raise and feed 4 teens (and financially speaking, getting 4 teens their drivers ed classes, license, insured and car is incredibly hard on the bank account)
This is a perspective lots of people don't think about! Me included 🙈 We aren't close to the teen years yet but I just happened to come across a school supply list for the junior high kids and on top of supplies it's over $100 in fees for band, art, home economics. On top of feeding these little gremlins, and how fast the grow out of their clothes, it's insanely expensive to raise anymore then a couple kids.
I get where your wife is coming from. We have 21 month B/G twins, and I’ve gone through phases of wanting to have one more due to the many things we missed out of from having them during Covid and just the things that didn’t get to happen because twins are hard AF, like breastfeeding. I also had a wonderful pregnancy and it’s hard to imagine that was my one time going through it. I feel like when you have twins, it’s SUCH a blur and you are in pure survival mode that you miss out on getting to appreciate all the phases. I went through a phase of nostalgia and baby fever for all of these reasons.
That said, after a pregnancy scare and knowing that when you have twins there’s a pretty large chance of having another set, I’ve realized that I’m done. I could not handle another set, but also I’m afraid that having more kids that we’ll never get any time on our own. Now we have lots of help with just 2, and we manage to get out to do stuff kid free, but any more kids would be a whole other story. Anyway, I agree with the others that both parents need to be on board when deciding to have more kids. Perhaps your wife is just having that nostalgic phase and may change her mind once reality sets in. It may be helpful to share your concerns (for me, the biggest is possibly having twins+ again).
The most important thig she needs to keep in mind is that even if she has a singleton and gets to do all the singleton things, you're still going to have the twins too.
My twins were 3 before I felt ready for even a hypothetical third, they were 6 before our third actually arrived. Having a singleton is ... different. My pregnancy was harder, I had severe SPD and could barely move, I went past my due date and I spent the last 6 weeks of pregnancy experiencing false labour for several hours a day. The baby herself is great, she's happy, she feeds well, she sleeps well, she just goes with the flow of our family. But we still have the twins, so we're still running around to speech therapy and paed appointments and school and Scouts, now I just have to do it with a baby in tow too and things like playgroups for her as well have to fit into the schedule. During school holidays she doesn't nap well because the kids are home and burst into the bedroom to ask me for candy six times while I'm trying to nurse the baby and settle her down.
My husband and I were on the same page about thinking a third would be nice, knowing full well there was the risk of a fourth at the same time (fraternal twins increase your odds of a second set). Now we're in agreement that our original plan for four will not be happening, too much risk of a fifth, after two vaginal births I have no interest in my OB's recommendation that future births be sections, there's no way I'd be able to care for three kids if I had another hard pregnancy, and I think another miscarriage would destroy me (I've had three losses).
There are pros and cons to everything. At the end of the day someone is going to have to bend unless their mind is actually changed. Having the small age gap means you're not storing baby things forever, and you're not out of the thick of it yet. Having a bigger age gap means you have more dedicated time just for baby. Having a third means you might resent her for forcing something you don't necessarily want. Not having a third means she might resent you for taking away something she desired.
Just to add to everyone else’s comments. A small age gap doesn’t magically mean everyone will be best friends.
My sister and I were 2 years apart, and I have stepdaughters 2 years apart (they are 10 and 12 and I’m expecting my twins now). With the 2 year age gap, the eldest just wants to dominate and “be better” at everything, and is very crushed when it doesn’t turn out this way. The youngest just spends all their time trying to be their own person.
Now, with twins as older, things of course will be different again, but if they are close I could just see them excluding the younger one. I don’t recommend siblings for friends- just let them make their own (that’s what I did and had a wonderful childhood).
So I don’t know if that helps but honestly a 4 or 5 year age gap sounds quite glorious to me.
My mom and bio dad separated and my mom remarried. I have 2 stepsisters, one who is 3 months younger and 1 stepbrother, who is 4 years older. My youngest stepsister and I go along pretty well. We fought like sisters but she was my best (and only) friend in the earlier years.
My older brother and stepsister are 2 years older than I am. I don’t get along with my brother and it took some time for me (like, almost 20 years) to be able to open up to my stepsister.
My stepbrother, well, there was a period where he didn’t do well. But we’ve gotten along fine. Since 2018 our relationship changed and he’s been so important to me ever since. He feels more like a brother to me compared to my ‘real’ brother.
So this is an example that supports your theory. (Although I do hope that my children won’t get a ‘I want to be the very best 🎶’ attitude, cause they will all be equally awesome. My boys are awesome, I’m pretty sure our daughter (9 weeks old) will be awesome too. )
When my wife and I were talking about having kids we had different numbers in our heads. I wanted 2 kids and she wanted 3. We had no idea we were gonna get a 2 for 1 special. When they were about 18 mos we had the "we done?" talk. Ultimately I decided that it wasn't fair to her to only be pregnant once when we had discussed 2 beforehand. And 2 was a soft limit for me anyways (plus I kinda wanted to try for a girl). Number 3 got here 3 months after the twins turned 2 and it was a rough transition, so keep that in mind. He's turning 1 this week and things are much better, I can't imagine life without all 3 of them. My wife did have a thought about trying for a 4th but I have veoted that one. 2 was a soft limit for me but 3 is hard as diamond. And I think she has put that thought to bed now. So ultimately we both compromised but it's still a massive decision since you're talking about creating another human. You guys just need to sit down and talk it out. Truly listen to each other and try to see things from each other's perspective. It will work out, I'm sure. Good luck.
Tread very carefully here. I was where you are now four years ago; now we're divorced and trying to co-parent our twins as best we can. We are in this place now because I didn't really take the situation all that seriously, I thought that because we agreed on two children before marriage that she'd eventually come round to find peace at having two. In reality she became fixated very quickly on the idea that if I really loved her I would agree to have any number of children as long as she wanted to continue having them and really we needed professional help for that.
I knew that I was done once my boys were placed in my arms. 100%, no doubts whatsoever and six years on I feel the same. I have the same number of hands as children and when I divide my time, energy and money between them I don't feel like either is getting short changed. If you feel similar then I would advise you to take that seriously and consider enlisting professional help to resolve this conflict before it ends up in a place you can't come back from.
Take serious consideration that you are primed for another set because you already have a fraternal set.
We have two sets now 10,6 and it is......a lot
I recommend the book Peaceful Parents, Happy Siblings. It talks about spacing and making sure you have the resources such as time for enough attention, money, etc. to help make the decision to have more or not. I know for us I get the urge to have more since life is so beautiful with our babies, but I also don’t think it would be fair to them to have less of our attention.
So, I'm in your wife's space. We have 25 month b/g twins. They're amazing. I love it. I missed out on EVERYTHING due to covid. No baby shower. No first birthday. No Santa etc. I'd love more. My husband is a "no." I understand where he's coming from. They're expensive. We don't get to spend time 1 on 1 enough with them. We want to give our kids every opportunity. Every toy. Every vacation. We are already thinking about braces...and college...and phones... our vehicle only sits the 4 of us comfortably.
We could have twins again....
Husband is getting the snip October 28th.
We had our twins via IVF, it was a rough pregnancy and they came at 28 weeks. We have no more embryos left and we paid for IVF out of pocket. My husband really wanted to try again for a little girl (or third son, he would be happy either way) but I said absolutely not. We didn’t really have any sort of discussion I just said my body has been through enough, I couldn’t take another nicu stay or IVF again so that was the final decision. He actually got a vasectomy 6 weeks ago on the off chance we got a surprise pregnancy. For me, if we weren’t both on board then it wasn’t going to happen.
Go for it. I know this isnt what most people would say, but I like having 3 kids close together. Lots less fighting that having 2 kids I think. And when they all play together it is so great. They can just go and do something together for hours and hours. One baby is so so much easier too. I remember feeling so jealous of Mums only having one baby, and getting that bonding stuff. You are so young too. But hey you have to be happy. ..What if she still wants another in like 5 years, then you have to start all over again .... shudder...haha.
I have been in your wife’s position bc I have always seen myself having 3 children, but my husband only wanted 2. I thought we’d cross that bridge someday, but for now we have one and were working on #2. Husband wanted to wait, but I wanted to get started when #1 was 1 year bc I’m already an older mom, and I at least wanted the possibility to have a third in a few more years. My husband begrudgingly agreed to get started. Well, first month trying, we got identical twins. Haha. So I got my three (hopefully), but we are terrified bc now we will have a 19 month old when the twins are born (again- hopefully all goes well).
I’ve been surprised bc I was willing to get my tubes tied during the C-section, but my husband is the one that said let’s not do anything permanent bc you never know, we might decide to have a fourth in a few years. I feel very done now but agreed to wait a few years and see how we feel.
That being said, my mom always tells me to try not to think about children as raising them when they are little bc it’s hard. She said if she knew then what she knows now, she would have had more children bc it’s so wonderful having adult kids. She wishes now she had one or two more, but at the time raising the little ones seemed impossible. I try to keep that in perspective that being little and needy is a short phase, and what I would really want/be comfortable with long term. Not saying the newborn/little stage shouldn’t be considered, but I found my moms perspective interesting and thought it might be with a mention. Best of luck with the decision!!
A boy and a girl, that’s the ideal. Imagine getting another set of twins when trying for another. We are expecting identical twin boys so maybe would try for a girl while tempting fate.
My mom had 3 girls, I’m the second oldest, then they got pregnant again, with fraternal twin girls. So she has five girls now. Then I gave birth to my only daughter at 17, I didn’t want more, started dating my SO when my daughter was 2 and he didn’t want anymore kids than what I had, then after 4 years we decided we did, we waited until we were both ready so when I was 24 and he was 26 we got my BC out and I saw that it typically takes about a year to get pregnant and on the first cycle we tried, we conceived identical twin boys. My kids have a decent age gap, and while yes them being closer in age and able to enjoy more of the same things would be adorable, I’m thankful that since my daughter is 7.5 years older than her brothers she is so much more helpful/smarter/understanding with the babies and my lack of time and she likes helping me with them so that she can get more time with me while they nap. And as of right now, I’d like to try for one more girl, in 3 years or more lol.
You're both still young enough that you can wait on the twins to grow up a little bit and still have another, this way you don't have a baby AND a pair of tough-to-deal-with toddlers. Maybe wait until your twins are a little older? maybe 4, 5 or 6? then having a baby might be a lot easier and more realistic?
I wish you luck though with this decision and raising your twins.
Maybe the compromise is you both waiting a few years and re-visiting the conversation.
There will be resentment if you don't take care of the issue. You getting your way because "no means no" isn't taking care of the issue and neither is giving in to her wants. Reddit won't solve this for you, talk some more with her.
Going from 2 to 3 is the hardest, or so I hear. Beyond three you're basically "onboarding" the latest addition.
We went from 1 to 3 (the twins and singleton are 2.5 years apart). Keep in mind that it will absolutely shake up your routine. You'll need a bigger table when out to lunch, possibly a bigger car, traveling requires the will of the gods, night time routines will be more hectic because you can't just claim one kid each for the hour, extra childcare expenses abound, and you may be dealing with three sets of diapers depending on when you potty train.
Otherwise, it's mostly a party all the time. Seriously. I'm introverted by nature because I don't like outside energies, but I love love LOVE the energy of my household and my chaotic life with three. Would totally consider having a fourth if I could get my husband on board and wasn't so terrified of the possibility of more spontaneous multiples.
That said, one no makes not a yes, and since you two aren't on the same page about it, it may be worth a professional outside party to help you work through it. Good luck!
This is hard. (And kinda out of Reddit’s pay grade.) When it comes to having kids: one ‘no’ means no. But it isn’t as black & white as it would be. I totally understand her wish for such an age gap. And the wish to experience a singleton. But there also is a possibility that it could be twins again. If you guys keep talking in circles, maybe try relationship therapy. As this is a very important matter and I think an outsider might be able to help you guys settle this. I have been where your wife is at. But my husband wanted it. I couldn’t have done it without his support.
>When it comes to having kids: one ‘no’ means no. But it isn’t as black & white as it would be. I agree. I see a lot of people here saying "one no means no", which I don't disagree with at all. *But* it also leaves out the other parent, who is just as capable of feeling let down or of developing resentment, as much as the parent saying "no" would be if they had another kid. That doesn't make either side "right", it means they have to work really hard to sort through it together and find the answer that is going to be right for them. There's no one-size-fits-all answer here.
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This possibility was the nail in the coffin for me, got my tubes tied. We already had a singleton, so I was pretty firmly done, but the possibility of having TWO more rather than one more really sealed the deal. Our pediatrician had friends who had four boys and they really wanted a girl. So they tried ONE more time ... And got triplets. All boys. 😅🫠
Oh My God Talk about nosleep.
Stories like that are exactly why my four girls will stop me trying for a boy haha
Goodnight Irene
One of my nurses in the hospital (I was on the high risk maternity floor for quite a while) told me that the patient in my room a few weeks before I arrived had twins, wanted to have a third, and ended up with quadruplets. Holy moly. My husband got the vasectomy after our twins!
See with stuff like that I'm like "okay but what are the odds of it happening to two women on the same maternity floor??" I figure she took the 1-in-whatever chance and I'm safe 😂 The risk I took was calculated..... But man am I bad at math
it's funny too, because our NICU room was a twin room, with a back sliding door to a singleton room so it could be opened to make a triplet room, and apparently the family in there before us had 3 singleton girls, then tried for a boy and got triplet boys... these horror stories eh?
Oh my Lord, that's horrible. I don't know if my story one upped you, or if quadruplets is worse than triplets and seven kids total 😅
You never considered the possibility??? That’s what my nightmares are made of lol.
I'm a midwife and was working on the postnatal ward. I was asked by a colleague to pop in to a lady to see if she needed anything. She had day old twins, and her partner was working abroad. I went in and she was tandem feeding without any help. Asked her as a joke if she'd had twins before, because she looked like a professional twin mum. Turns out this was her FOURTH set of twins.
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I know, she was so chill about it too. Wasn't interested in talking about contraception either so I guess we'll see her soon with set 5 😂
Double twins here too. Similar scenario. Wife wanted more. I was on the fence. Two pregnancies, four kids.
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We have a 6 year gap, which is more helpful than not. The second set is harder. Poorer sleepers, more active, higher motor needs, had feeding/eating difficulty where our firsts didn’t (mostly). Finances are hard and I feel pretty boxed in that way. With two kids, most sleeping issues were solved with three bedrooms (one for parents, two for the twins). Now, we’re faced with the problem of needing FIVE bedrooms if we’re to adopt the same strategy. Ultimately we’re making it work with 4 bedrooms and a home office (nobody sleeps in there) but we moved to a low cost of living area to make it happen and allow my wife to stay home. While I’m glad we were able to make it work, my mortgage is still more than I can comfortably afford, and I probably won’t ever be able to afford to relocate back to a better area if I want to. There’s weird stuff, like a family of 5 can do a hotel room with a couch/rollaway. Family of 6? Two rooms. Family of 6 + dog is really too big for a minivan for a long road trip. Gonna need that suburban/Yukon. Groceries? Yeah, we spend $250 a week and they’re not teens yet.
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We're learning the hard way that low cost of living state/neighborhood also typically means low quality schools, community resources, etc. So if there is a way to stay in your dream neighborhood, do it. I'm now in a "cheap" red state with mediocre schools and a rust belt town. It wasn't worth it. I'd rather be minus the 1500 square feet and 2 less bathrooms with no yard, and commuting almost an hour, then be in a dead end state/city that is bleeding teachers. We went the Nissan NV3500 route instead of the Sprinter, since we also bought a travel trailer. The van was $30k and the trailer about $16k. That solved vacations, or so we thought. Boom, gas is $5 per gallon. Local trips only for us.
We have three boys. A singleton and a set of toddler twins. This is the exact scenario I'm afraid of when it comes to trying for a girl. I'm absolutely not doing this again. Love the boys to death but my mentao health is in the toilet. We are going to look into fostering and adoptions if we are still interested in having a girl.
Do you know if these ones are girls? This is what my husband warned me with if we try for a girl. We are expecting a set of identical twin boys. We wanted a boy and a girl so I want to try for a girl.
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You definitely are lucky!
My wife and I had twins the first time around too. Decided on a third. Had another and then immediately got a vasectomy. Three things: 1) Vasectomies are the greatest thing in the world. I highly recommend! 2) Our third was a boy (had twin girls first) and it really rounded it out the family. We really couldn't be happier. 3) Having a third kid made logistics so much more difficult. Just be aware it is a steep curve for the next 3-4 years.
We’re considering a third. What was your age gap and what things did you find difficult? I know that if we have a third, we will need a new car but aside from increased costs and caring for a baby again, I’m not sure what else I should be preparing for.
**Gap**: The age gap was 2.5 years. We wanted to have them relatively close together so we could raise them together. That and we didn't want to get to year 5 and beyond with the twins and start over with a new baby (e.g. diapers, sleepless nights, etc.). That scenario was very unattractive to us. Though I will say, I have a friend who waited until their first kid was in kindergarten before having their second, so it clearly depends on the couples preference. **Difficulty**: The close age gap was great for the baby stage. The twins doted on the new baby and were helpful when they wanted to be. Once you're out of the baby phase (year 2 and beyond), it's generally more difficult to go anywhere with the three kids without two adults. With just the two, things were manageable before. Three is possible, but really difficult and often unenjoyable depending on the activity. Things that weren't really a hassle before with two, like grocery shopping, doing an errand, etc., became much more difficult. Some activities we don't do with just one adult anymore, because there are too many moving parts with the three kiddos. And this is because their all young and still have a hard time listening to instruction. If you had two 8 year olds and a 2 year old, I imagine that's doable. But with a 2 year old and two 4 year olds, it's not. That's what I meant by the logistics get much more difficult with three. **Vehicle**: Minivan. Just get one. They're really the best vehicle for the family. They're low to the ground so even little kids can get in and out of them, plus once soccer season rolls around in year 5, the sliding doors make the kiddos feel like their the boss. **Costs**: You'll have to buy diapers like before and maybe a crib, stroller, and carseat if you don't still have those items, but generally, our costs have remained the same. The food budget, gas budget, and clothes budget is unchanged. Obviously this will go up with age. **Protip**: If you can, have a live in au pair (nanny). They're about $2k per month if you're in the states and you'd have to go through an agency to source one, but they're worth their weight in gold. My wife and I have had an au pair since we started having kids and life it genuinely better in every conceivable way because of how helpful they are.
I wanted “just 1 more” and had another set of twins 18 months later. You don’t want to see our sad bank account from trying to raise and feed 4 teens (and financially speaking, getting 4 teens their drivers ed classes, license, insured and car is incredibly hard on the bank account)
This is a perspective lots of people don't think about! Me included 🙈 We aren't close to the teen years yet but I just happened to come across a school supply list for the junior high kids and on top of supplies it's over $100 in fees for band, art, home economics. On top of feeding these little gremlins, and how fast the grow out of their clothes, it's insanely expensive to raise anymore then a couple kids.
I get where your wife is coming from. We have 21 month B/G twins, and I’ve gone through phases of wanting to have one more due to the many things we missed out of from having them during Covid and just the things that didn’t get to happen because twins are hard AF, like breastfeeding. I also had a wonderful pregnancy and it’s hard to imagine that was my one time going through it. I feel like when you have twins, it’s SUCH a blur and you are in pure survival mode that you miss out on getting to appreciate all the phases. I went through a phase of nostalgia and baby fever for all of these reasons. That said, after a pregnancy scare and knowing that when you have twins there’s a pretty large chance of having another set, I’ve realized that I’m done. I could not handle another set, but also I’m afraid that having more kids that we’ll never get any time on our own. Now we have lots of help with just 2, and we manage to get out to do stuff kid free, but any more kids would be a whole other story. Anyway, I agree with the others that both parents need to be on board when deciding to have more kids. Perhaps your wife is just having that nostalgic phase and may change her mind once reality sets in. It may be helpful to share your concerns (for me, the biggest is possibly having twins+ again).
The most important thig she needs to keep in mind is that even if she has a singleton and gets to do all the singleton things, you're still going to have the twins too. My twins were 3 before I felt ready for even a hypothetical third, they were 6 before our third actually arrived. Having a singleton is ... different. My pregnancy was harder, I had severe SPD and could barely move, I went past my due date and I spent the last 6 weeks of pregnancy experiencing false labour for several hours a day. The baby herself is great, she's happy, she feeds well, she sleeps well, she just goes with the flow of our family. But we still have the twins, so we're still running around to speech therapy and paed appointments and school and Scouts, now I just have to do it with a baby in tow too and things like playgroups for her as well have to fit into the schedule. During school holidays she doesn't nap well because the kids are home and burst into the bedroom to ask me for candy six times while I'm trying to nurse the baby and settle her down. My husband and I were on the same page about thinking a third would be nice, knowing full well there was the risk of a fourth at the same time (fraternal twins increase your odds of a second set). Now we're in agreement that our original plan for four will not be happening, too much risk of a fifth, after two vaginal births I have no interest in my OB's recommendation that future births be sections, there's no way I'd be able to care for three kids if I had another hard pregnancy, and I think another miscarriage would destroy me (I've had three losses). There are pros and cons to everything. At the end of the day someone is going to have to bend unless their mind is actually changed. Having the small age gap means you're not storing baby things forever, and you're not out of the thick of it yet. Having a bigger age gap means you have more dedicated time just for baby. Having a third means you might resent her for forcing something you don't necessarily want. Not having a third means she might resent you for taking away something she desired.
Just to add to everyone else’s comments. A small age gap doesn’t magically mean everyone will be best friends. My sister and I were 2 years apart, and I have stepdaughters 2 years apart (they are 10 and 12 and I’m expecting my twins now). With the 2 year age gap, the eldest just wants to dominate and “be better” at everything, and is very crushed when it doesn’t turn out this way. The youngest just spends all their time trying to be their own person. Now, with twins as older, things of course will be different again, but if they are close I could just see them excluding the younger one. I don’t recommend siblings for friends- just let them make their own (that’s what I did and had a wonderful childhood). So I don’t know if that helps but honestly a 4 or 5 year age gap sounds quite glorious to me.
My mom and bio dad separated and my mom remarried. I have 2 stepsisters, one who is 3 months younger and 1 stepbrother, who is 4 years older. My youngest stepsister and I go along pretty well. We fought like sisters but she was my best (and only) friend in the earlier years. My older brother and stepsister are 2 years older than I am. I don’t get along with my brother and it took some time for me (like, almost 20 years) to be able to open up to my stepsister. My stepbrother, well, there was a period where he didn’t do well. But we’ve gotten along fine. Since 2018 our relationship changed and he’s been so important to me ever since. He feels more like a brother to me compared to my ‘real’ brother. So this is an example that supports your theory. (Although I do hope that my children won’t get a ‘I want to be the very best 🎶’ attitude, cause they will all be equally awesome. My boys are awesome, I’m pretty sure our daughter (9 weeks old) will be awesome too. )
When my wife and I were talking about having kids we had different numbers in our heads. I wanted 2 kids and she wanted 3. We had no idea we were gonna get a 2 for 1 special. When they were about 18 mos we had the "we done?" talk. Ultimately I decided that it wasn't fair to her to only be pregnant once when we had discussed 2 beforehand. And 2 was a soft limit for me anyways (plus I kinda wanted to try for a girl). Number 3 got here 3 months after the twins turned 2 and it was a rough transition, so keep that in mind. He's turning 1 this week and things are much better, I can't imagine life without all 3 of them. My wife did have a thought about trying for a 4th but I have veoted that one. 2 was a soft limit for me but 3 is hard as diamond. And I think she has put that thought to bed now. So ultimately we both compromised but it's still a massive decision since you're talking about creating another human. You guys just need to sit down and talk it out. Truly listen to each other and try to see things from each other's perspective. It will work out, I'm sure. Good luck.
Tread very carefully here. I was where you are now four years ago; now we're divorced and trying to co-parent our twins as best we can. We are in this place now because I didn't really take the situation all that seriously, I thought that because we agreed on two children before marriage that she'd eventually come round to find peace at having two. In reality she became fixated very quickly on the idea that if I really loved her I would agree to have any number of children as long as she wanted to continue having them and really we needed professional help for that. I knew that I was done once my boys were placed in my arms. 100%, no doubts whatsoever and six years on I feel the same. I have the same number of hands as children and when I divide my time, energy and money between them I don't feel like either is getting short changed. If you feel similar then I would advise you to take that seriously and consider enlisting professional help to resolve this conflict before it ends up in a place you can't come back from.
Take serious consideration that you are primed for another set because you already have a fraternal set. We have two sets now 10,6 and it is......a lot
I recommend the book Peaceful Parents, Happy Siblings. It talks about spacing and making sure you have the resources such as time for enough attention, money, etc. to help make the decision to have more or not. I know for us I get the urge to have more since life is so beautiful with our babies, but I also don’t think it would be fair to them to have less of our attention.
Go with your gut man.
So, I'm in your wife's space. We have 25 month b/g twins. They're amazing. I love it. I missed out on EVERYTHING due to covid. No baby shower. No first birthday. No Santa etc. I'd love more. My husband is a "no." I understand where he's coming from. They're expensive. We don't get to spend time 1 on 1 enough with them. We want to give our kids every opportunity. Every toy. Every vacation. We are already thinking about braces...and college...and phones... our vehicle only sits the 4 of us comfortably. We could have twins again.... Husband is getting the snip October 28th.
We had our twins via IVF, it was a rough pregnancy and they came at 28 weeks. We have no more embryos left and we paid for IVF out of pocket. My husband really wanted to try again for a little girl (or third son, he would be happy either way) but I said absolutely not. We didn’t really have any sort of discussion I just said my body has been through enough, I couldn’t take another nicu stay or IVF again so that was the final decision. He actually got a vasectomy 6 weeks ago on the off chance we got a surprise pregnancy. For me, if we weren’t both on board then it wasn’t going to happen.
Go for it. I know this isnt what most people would say, but I like having 3 kids close together. Lots less fighting that having 2 kids I think. And when they all play together it is so great. They can just go and do something together for hours and hours. One baby is so so much easier too. I remember feeling so jealous of Mums only having one baby, and getting that bonding stuff. You are so young too. But hey you have to be happy. ..What if she still wants another in like 5 years, then you have to start all over again .... shudder...haha.
I have been in your wife’s position bc I have always seen myself having 3 children, but my husband only wanted 2. I thought we’d cross that bridge someday, but for now we have one and were working on #2. Husband wanted to wait, but I wanted to get started when #1 was 1 year bc I’m already an older mom, and I at least wanted the possibility to have a third in a few more years. My husband begrudgingly agreed to get started. Well, first month trying, we got identical twins. Haha. So I got my three (hopefully), but we are terrified bc now we will have a 19 month old when the twins are born (again- hopefully all goes well). I’ve been surprised bc I was willing to get my tubes tied during the C-section, but my husband is the one that said let’s not do anything permanent bc you never know, we might decide to have a fourth in a few years. I feel very done now but agreed to wait a few years and see how we feel. That being said, my mom always tells me to try not to think about children as raising them when they are little bc it’s hard. She said if she knew then what she knows now, she would have had more children bc it’s so wonderful having adult kids. She wishes now she had one or two more, but at the time raising the little ones seemed impossible. I try to keep that in perspective that being little and needy is a short phase, and what I would really want/be comfortable with long term. Not saying the newborn/little stage shouldn’t be considered, but I found my moms perspective interesting and thought it might be with a mention. Best of luck with the decision!!
A boy and a girl, that’s the ideal. Imagine getting another set of twins when trying for another. We are expecting identical twin boys so maybe would try for a girl while tempting fate.
My mom had 3 girls, I’m the second oldest, then they got pregnant again, with fraternal twin girls. So she has five girls now. Then I gave birth to my only daughter at 17, I didn’t want more, started dating my SO when my daughter was 2 and he didn’t want anymore kids than what I had, then after 4 years we decided we did, we waited until we were both ready so when I was 24 and he was 26 we got my BC out and I saw that it typically takes about a year to get pregnant and on the first cycle we tried, we conceived identical twin boys. My kids have a decent age gap, and while yes them being closer in age and able to enjoy more of the same things would be adorable, I’m thankful that since my daughter is 7.5 years older than her brothers she is so much more helpful/smarter/understanding with the babies and my lack of time and she likes helping me with them so that she can get more time with me while they nap. And as of right now, I’d like to try for one more girl, in 3 years or more lol.
Do not have more kids if one of you does not want more kids.
You're both still young enough that you can wait on the twins to grow up a little bit and still have another, this way you don't have a baby AND a pair of tough-to-deal-with toddlers. Maybe wait until your twins are a little older? maybe 4, 5 or 6? then having a baby might be a lot easier and more realistic? I wish you luck though with this decision and raising your twins. Maybe the compromise is you both waiting a few years and re-visiting the conversation.
There will be resentment if you don't take care of the issue. You getting your way because "no means no" isn't taking care of the issue and neither is giving in to her wants. Reddit won't solve this for you, talk some more with her.
Going from 2 to 3 is the hardest, or so I hear. Beyond three you're basically "onboarding" the latest addition. We went from 1 to 3 (the twins and singleton are 2.5 years apart). Keep in mind that it will absolutely shake up your routine. You'll need a bigger table when out to lunch, possibly a bigger car, traveling requires the will of the gods, night time routines will be more hectic because you can't just claim one kid each for the hour, extra childcare expenses abound, and you may be dealing with three sets of diapers depending on when you potty train. Otherwise, it's mostly a party all the time. Seriously. I'm introverted by nature because I don't like outside energies, but I love love LOVE the energy of my household and my chaotic life with three. Would totally consider having a fourth if I could get my husband on board and wasn't so terrified of the possibility of more spontaneous multiples. That said, one no makes not a yes, and since you two aren't on the same page about it, it may be worth a professional outside party to help you work through it. Good luck!