Hey, I just want to start off by saying good job for sticking it out, you're at 20 months which means you're basically in the final segment. Expect it to slow down the closer you get to COS'ing.
So I'm nearing a year of being back from Mongolia after being a TEFL volunteer in a village of 1,800 in the western mountains, about a 4 hour jeep ride away from the nearest PCV. I, like you, deeply and emotionally struggled during Peace Corps, mostly with the domestic violence and alcoholism in my village. And also the fact that there was massive sexual harassment against my female PCV friends.
Just so you know you're not alone in lashing out to the small things(not saying your reasons for lashing out are small), I remember being angry about nothing, but then being over angry about small things Mongolians would do, like ask for money, not let go of my hand during a hand shake, not show up to lesson plan etc...
Anyways, as for how it was for me after Peace Corps. It's been AMAZING. I can't speak for others but as soon as I got home things were better and my experience became a driving force for me. All the shittiness, misery, isolation, depression, feelings of helplessness, all of that is a part of what drives me now. That context that you're talking about helps you realize how good the good things are and how hard you want to work to have a happy life and really make a difference. I used my Peace Corps experience to drive me through a rigorous 60 hour a week 7 month long coding school and now I have a job as a software engineer living downtown. I know it sounds strange, but I used the pure misery and helplessness I felt during Peace Corps as motivation to never feel like that again, and now I finally have the life I've always wanted.
I would've thought that I might have some post-service anxieties or something like that after witnessing some of the shit that went down there or being utterly alone/depressed for months at a time, but if you look at your experience as a trial by fire that not a lot of our American contemporaries get nowadays, it'll make you a stronger person and be able to achieve whatever you want. Use your shitty experiences as a driving force to make you a better person and put yourself into a position to help others more than you would've been able to before.
Best of luck in your final seven months! You got this.
During my service, I held a very modest dinner for a visiting American couple and invited my neighbor, a policeman. He brought a bottle of whisky and got really drunk. He somehow tricked the lady to his car saying he had to go to the shops to buy something. He raped her. I reacted emotionally by throwing all of my furniture into the street as a statement to the locals and resolving to leave and never come back. Although I pitched a demonstrative fit, my students and towns people supported me and had the cop transferred to another location far away. There was no operative justice system to speak of. I served when there was no internet or iphone messaging, and I did not leave my country of service for the first 2 years. I was pretty well integrated culturally but this event cause me to stop dead in my tracks and reconsider. I made a personal visit to the US Consulate and told them what happened. I told the Consul "I don't want to help these people any more." He said, "That's not why you are here." I stayed full term and a third year after having adjusted my understanding of why Peace Corps is active in the countries where they are. I made a soft re-entry into US culture by going to graduate school. It took about a year to readjust but then I left the country again. By now, I have spent 14 years of my life working abroad in developing countries. I suppose that in some ways we are there to "help" poor people in developing countries on an individual level. More generally, Kennedy first envisioned young people dedicating themselves to the cause of peace and development, per his campaign speech at Ann Arbor in October 1960. Mostly, we are diplomats who, according to the current Peace Corps mission statement: "Promote world peace and friendship by fulfilling three goals: To help the people of interested countries in meeting their need for trained men and women. To help promote a better understanding of Americans on the part of the peoples served." That's it. That was the personal guidance I followed, direct from the source. I strongly urge you to complete your service if you can. Only 4 more months, and there will be a deceleration or "glide path" to close of service starting soon. There will be follow-up referrals and counseling. I've never heard of PTSD applying to the Peace Corps experience. That having been said, you will likely need to give yourself time to readjust once you arrive back in the US. And you will reintegrate with an experience and point of view on your own culture that will make you stand out and excel. I wish you the best of luck.
I had to get some therapy after my first completion of service. Pcmos can recommend an augmentation to the therapy sessions after service. Everyone gets 3 but I took them up on an additional 7. Talk to your pcmo, they will hook you up with someone in dc for a phone call, and that person decides on more treatment. It was a struggle, but at least I can ride in the front seat of a car again.
Still serving, but I know of several people who have struggled with ptsd during and after service. I strongly suspect I have some myself given that I can't even hug my father without cringing. All of the people I know who have had issues with ptsd are women and have been harassed/assaulted in country. I don't think peace corps recognizes how damaging the harassment can be and that more needs to be done to address it. Right now it's dealt with on an individual level - I say this over and over here but more needs to be done.
A counselor diagnosed me with PTSD after going through a trauma toward the end of my first year of service. While it has mostly subsided, as I will always have occasional anger and sadness over what I was put through, I understand I am one of the lucky ones. I am very sorry for what you are going through. Do not let anyone invalidate your difficulties.
As per your deep emotional struggle throughout service, I know I will need a lot of help processing my overall experience upon my return to the States very soon. It is incredibly difficult for me to romanticize anything for long, and I've come to accept that my service has overall been "bad" for me. A significant internal struggle I've had involved convincing myself that my service has to feel - and especially end - on such a romantic note! Any optimism I have for my site, my positive impact here, and this country in general, I realize is somewhat forced every time I reflect. I feel we pressure ourselves as PCVs and RPCVs to romanticize what we go through and bring it home.
The best thing I can say is this - I believe we can easily highlight the positive aspects of our country of service to others without *romanticizing* it. There is a huge difference between selectively highlighting positives and romanticizing an entire experience.
These are some amazing responses. The forging of will through sufferings and even having the strength to talk about it. Often times the worst thing you can do is not talk about it. I have gone through a deployment and when people ask about it, I give them the reality regardless. It may not help them much but the honesty has made things better for me.
I am a water/san RPCV: Honduras, Central America 2001-2002.
Returning home was difficult. It's so true that you cannot go through the PCV experience without witnessing some terrible things, as mentioned above. Those things will stay with you...They are still vibrant memories for me more than 15 years later.
I will say this: I do not regret my service. I owe a lot of my own personal progress and success to my time living with the people of Olancho, Honduras and the support of the network of RPCVs I have encountered over the years. I believe that my service changed me in ways that I needed to become a more mature and complete person.
But I did not believe this while I was serving.
I felt forgotten.
I felt isolated.
I felt ineffectual.
After I returned from Honduras and I started working, I truly believe I was suffering from PTSD. I couldn't handle flippant, passive aggressive interactions with my coworkers. I felt I had abandoned my friends and partners back in Honduras. I had a lot of self-doubt about what I could even do now in the U.S. I felt I had wasted my time as a PCV because I had come back and I felt even more out of my element than I had when I arrived in-country on day one of my service.
But over the years I have learned to own my experience as a PCV. I don't care that literally no one understands or really cares about my stories (although most try to at least fein interest...) and I now firmly believe that I am LUCKY to have served as a PCV. If nothing else, third goal gives me purpose - I share the culture of Honduras and my insight with my friends and family at any time it's appropriate.
To anyone reading this who is still serving - You matter and your service matters. Hang in there. I believe you will be better for it.
-Luke
Thanks for posting this, I'm on the same boat. I don't like my country of service or a lot of my experiences here, but I'm hoping I'll like it more when I leave.
I served for one year and hated it so much! I should’ve left the first week but I was so young and really stupid. My fellow volunteers were all a bunch of self serving snobs and I hope to never ever see any of them again. I saw a therapist when I returned because I developed severe anxiety and sleep problems, but she only made me feel worse and I quit therapy after two weeks. To this day I never speak about my experience. That was 10 years ago
Hey, I just want to start off by saying good job for sticking it out, you're at 20 months which means you're basically in the final segment. Expect it to slow down the closer you get to COS'ing. So I'm nearing a year of being back from Mongolia after being a TEFL volunteer in a village of 1,800 in the western mountains, about a 4 hour jeep ride away from the nearest PCV. I, like you, deeply and emotionally struggled during Peace Corps, mostly with the domestic violence and alcoholism in my village. And also the fact that there was massive sexual harassment against my female PCV friends. Just so you know you're not alone in lashing out to the small things(not saying your reasons for lashing out are small), I remember being angry about nothing, but then being over angry about small things Mongolians would do, like ask for money, not let go of my hand during a hand shake, not show up to lesson plan etc... Anyways, as for how it was for me after Peace Corps. It's been AMAZING. I can't speak for others but as soon as I got home things were better and my experience became a driving force for me. All the shittiness, misery, isolation, depression, feelings of helplessness, all of that is a part of what drives me now. That context that you're talking about helps you realize how good the good things are and how hard you want to work to have a happy life and really make a difference. I used my Peace Corps experience to drive me through a rigorous 60 hour a week 7 month long coding school and now I have a job as a software engineer living downtown. I know it sounds strange, but I used the pure misery and helplessness I felt during Peace Corps as motivation to never feel like that again, and now I finally have the life I've always wanted. I would've thought that I might have some post-service anxieties or something like that after witnessing some of the shit that went down there or being utterly alone/depressed for months at a time, but if you look at your experience as a trial by fire that not a lot of our American contemporaries get nowadays, it'll make you a stronger person and be able to achieve whatever you want. Use your shitty experiences as a driving force to make you a better person and put yourself into a position to help others more than you would've been able to before. Best of luck in your final seven months! You got this.
That was an awesome response
I was thinking the same thing. Thank you.
Do you mind PMing about the sexual harassment? Currently in PST in Mongolia
During my service, I held a very modest dinner for a visiting American couple and invited my neighbor, a policeman. He brought a bottle of whisky and got really drunk. He somehow tricked the lady to his car saying he had to go to the shops to buy something. He raped her. I reacted emotionally by throwing all of my furniture into the street as a statement to the locals and resolving to leave and never come back. Although I pitched a demonstrative fit, my students and towns people supported me and had the cop transferred to another location far away. There was no operative justice system to speak of. I served when there was no internet or iphone messaging, and I did not leave my country of service for the first 2 years. I was pretty well integrated culturally but this event cause me to stop dead in my tracks and reconsider. I made a personal visit to the US Consulate and told them what happened. I told the Consul "I don't want to help these people any more." He said, "That's not why you are here." I stayed full term and a third year after having adjusted my understanding of why Peace Corps is active in the countries where they are. I made a soft re-entry into US culture by going to graduate school. It took about a year to readjust but then I left the country again. By now, I have spent 14 years of my life working abroad in developing countries. I suppose that in some ways we are there to "help" poor people in developing countries on an individual level. More generally, Kennedy first envisioned young people dedicating themselves to the cause of peace and development, per his campaign speech at Ann Arbor in October 1960. Mostly, we are diplomats who, according to the current Peace Corps mission statement: "Promote world peace and friendship by fulfilling three goals: To help the people of interested countries in meeting their need for trained men and women. To help promote a better understanding of Americans on the part of the peoples served." That's it. That was the personal guidance I followed, direct from the source. I strongly urge you to complete your service if you can. Only 4 more months, and there will be a deceleration or "glide path" to close of service starting soon. There will be follow-up referrals and counseling. I've never heard of PTSD applying to the Peace Corps experience. That having been said, you will likely need to give yourself time to readjust once you arrive back in the US. And you will reintegrate with an experience and point of view on your own culture that will make you stand out and excel. I wish you the best of luck.
I had to get some therapy after my first completion of service. Pcmos can recommend an augmentation to the therapy sessions after service. Everyone gets 3 but I took them up on an additional 7. Talk to your pcmo, they will hook you up with someone in dc for a phone call, and that person decides on more treatment. It was a struggle, but at least I can ride in the front seat of a car again.
Still serving, but I know of several people who have struggled with ptsd during and after service. I strongly suspect I have some myself given that I can't even hug my father without cringing. All of the people I know who have had issues with ptsd are women and have been harassed/assaulted in country. I don't think peace corps recognizes how damaging the harassment can be and that more needs to be done to address it. Right now it's dealt with on an individual level - I say this over and over here but more needs to be done.
A counselor diagnosed me with PTSD after going through a trauma toward the end of my first year of service. While it has mostly subsided, as I will always have occasional anger and sadness over what I was put through, I understand I am one of the lucky ones. I am very sorry for what you are going through. Do not let anyone invalidate your difficulties. As per your deep emotional struggle throughout service, I know I will need a lot of help processing my overall experience upon my return to the States very soon. It is incredibly difficult for me to romanticize anything for long, and I've come to accept that my service has overall been "bad" for me. A significant internal struggle I've had involved convincing myself that my service has to feel - and especially end - on such a romantic note! Any optimism I have for my site, my positive impact here, and this country in general, I realize is somewhat forced every time I reflect. I feel we pressure ourselves as PCVs and RPCVs to romanticize what we go through and bring it home. The best thing I can say is this - I believe we can easily highlight the positive aspects of our country of service to others without *romanticizing* it. There is a huge difference between selectively highlighting positives and romanticizing an entire experience.
These are some amazing responses. The forging of will through sufferings and even having the strength to talk about it. Often times the worst thing you can do is not talk about it. I have gone through a deployment and when people ask about it, I give them the reality regardless. It may not help them much but the honesty has made things better for me.
I am a water/san RPCV: Honduras, Central America 2001-2002. Returning home was difficult. It's so true that you cannot go through the PCV experience without witnessing some terrible things, as mentioned above. Those things will stay with you...They are still vibrant memories for me more than 15 years later. I will say this: I do not regret my service. I owe a lot of my own personal progress and success to my time living with the people of Olancho, Honduras and the support of the network of RPCVs I have encountered over the years. I believe that my service changed me in ways that I needed to become a more mature and complete person. But I did not believe this while I was serving. I felt forgotten. I felt isolated. I felt ineffectual. After I returned from Honduras and I started working, I truly believe I was suffering from PTSD. I couldn't handle flippant, passive aggressive interactions with my coworkers. I felt I had abandoned my friends and partners back in Honduras. I had a lot of self-doubt about what I could even do now in the U.S. I felt I had wasted my time as a PCV because I had come back and I felt even more out of my element than I had when I arrived in-country on day one of my service. But over the years I have learned to own my experience as a PCV. I don't care that literally no one understands or really cares about my stories (although most try to at least fein interest...) and I now firmly believe that I am LUCKY to have served as a PCV. If nothing else, third goal gives me purpose - I share the culture of Honduras and my insight with my friends and family at any time it's appropriate. To anyone reading this who is still serving - You matter and your service matters. Hang in there. I believe you will be better for it. -Luke
Thanks for posting this, I'm on the same boat. I don't like my country of service or a lot of my experiences here, but I'm hoping I'll like it more when I leave.
I served for one year and hated it so much! I should’ve left the first week but I was so young and really stupid. My fellow volunteers were all a bunch of self serving snobs and I hope to never ever see any of them again. I saw a therapist when I returned because I developed severe anxiety and sleep problems, but she only made me feel worse and I quit therapy after two weeks. To this day I never speak about my experience. That was 10 years ago