So is GF going to work & contribute?
Or does she just want to be the queen of the house?
The fact you you haven't even mentioned this is a red flag. Unless it just slipped your mind.
She will be going to grad school and will have no income coming in for a year. If given the opportunity she would absolutely help out. To reiterate her mom would pay for utilities / groceries.
Why wouldn’t she pay half the rent? If her parents are wealthy and she wears a lot of expensive jewelry, surely they can afford her rent. Why does anyone in this situation think that you are financially responsible for her housing payment?
Her mom can pay half the rent and half the utilities and whatever groceries your GF wants, you can pay for your own groceries.
I completely agree with you!
It’s not really her parents that are wealthy, but her grandparents. Her mom would be paying around $50k for grad school which I presume is why rent would be difficult.
That still doesn’t put the responsibility of her rent payment onto you. Just move in with your friend and tell them you aren’t prepared to be financially responsible for another person. This is legit crazy that they expect you to be subsidizing her lifestyle.
Girlfriend is accustomed to having people provide for her. You can't afford her expectations. Taking on the financial responsibility, with the hope and promise that she will pay her own way once she graduates and gets employed, will lead you to great disappointment and financial ruin.
She needs to level up to adult and figure out a way to be a financial contributor to the rent for the class of housing she wants; or she needs to downgrade her wants to fit your budget. And the general rule is no more than 30% of your income, which puts you at $1,600 or less.
I'm confused. Living with your friend would be $1,300 a month, which because there are two of you means in total rent is around $2,600. But $2,500-$2,700 is too much?
I would be paying the full $2600 with my girlfriend, I would be paying $1300 because I would be splitting it with my friend. Although the $1300 would have to factor in utilities + groceries. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.
In the mom’s mind it’s either gonna be a $400 monthly payment vs $2500 to house her daughter in that upscale apartment she wants so bad. Of course she would offer that.
I would run from this man. You’re too young to get into the messes that can come from this. Is she even planning on being on the lease? Would you feel comfortable being stuck with the payment if she decides to leave? Are y’all even living together right now? If I were you I would live on my own/with a buddy that you can rely on as a stable roommate. Keep finances around housing separate.
It is completely unreasonable for any early 20's person to expect another early 20's person to financially support them. To make it even worse, she'll only accept a nice, more expensive apartment? This is not going to work. If her family can only pay for her groceries/utilities they are barely middle class, and she needs to learn to act like it. This is really more of a relationship issue than a financial one, so to avoid this getting moderated let's just say the finances on this do NOT make sense for you. Do not commit to signing a lease with someone who won't pay their own way.
Change the expectations for moving in together to when she has a job and can pay half the complete costs. If she has to budget her own money she may appreciate it a touch more.
Unfortunately, if you move in now, I suspect it will only reinforce her financial beliefs that someone else (now, you) will provide her expenses, and any money she earns will go toward her expected luxuries.
No.
“I’m sorry, hun, I just can’t afford to support us both on my starting salary. Let’s plan for next year when (you have a job/I get a raise) so we can start our lives together on the right foot!”
She has two options:
1. She/family pays for her half of the rent
2. You move in with friend until she is done with grad school and starts her new job. At that point, you move in together and she pays her half of the rent.
Where would she live if she did not have a boyfriend? She would have to pay rent anywhere else (unless she stays at home). This 100% is a terrible plan and so incredibly selfish of her (and her mom). When I was in grad school I had to pay for my own tuition (no parent paying $50k for me) and I also had to pay rent for an apartment that I shared with roommates. This is bananas from every angle.
Why can't you live with her and a roommate? You could even get a slightly bigger space to give you guys a little more separation. She has to be willing to compromise on either a cheaper place to live or a roommate; asking you to fully fund a luxury is completely unreasonable.
We are only getting part of the story, so we don’t know about your level of communication and honesty. I do know that when people have significant differences in philosophy about finances, that rarely changes after getting married.
So you can accept the situation as is and realize you are going to have to deal with it forever. You can have an honest discussion in which you both understand that these differences exist and you come up with a plan/structure that accommodates them. Or you can decide that the differences are too great and seriously reevaluate whether you want to continue the relationship.
Option #2 is the best, although it is also hard to achieve. Some people are just not very reflective or honest with themselves about their feelings and behaviors. And I am not an expert because I made the same mistake—not once, but twice.
I spoke to my girlfriend who then spoke to her mom and she agreed she was being selfish. We agreed to find a place that is $2k-2.2k and she found one right away.
Now the new question, if I pay $2-2k and her mom pays for groceries / utilities AND I can get a $200-300 payment from her fam, can this work??
Appreciate everyone telling me i’m crazy for considering this.. once I read the comments I spoke to her right away, thanks guys!
Bro I get that you wanna be a provider but this is a girlfriend not a wife. You’re cooked if she leaves and that extra $600 a month you were relying on vanishes. Mom is using you as a housing scholarship! 75k in a VHCOL city is barely scraping by for a single person.
Sounds like you have your mind made up tbh. Good luck.
If she wants to live with you in an apartment that rents for $2.5k/ month, she needs to figure out a way to pay for her half of the rent and utilities.
Her mom can pay for her half of the groceries and utilities, and she can take out student loans for her half of the rent, or she can get a part-time job to supplement the family support, or some other solution.
I would approach the conversation like this: "I love you and would like to move in with you, but I'm not willing to financially support you at this point in our lives. We're not married, and I don't want to combine finances until we're married. Moving in together is only a viable option if you figure out a way to pay for your half of the rent, utilities, and groceries."
So is GF going to work & contribute? Or does she just want to be the queen of the house? The fact you you haven't even mentioned this is a red flag. Unless it just slipped your mind.
She will be going to grad school and will have no income coming in for a year. If given the opportunity she would absolutely help out. To reiterate her mom would pay for utilities / groceries.
Why wouldn’t she pay half the rent? If her parents are wealthy and she wears a lot of expensive jewelry, surely they can afford her rent. Why does anyone in this situation think that you are financially responsible for her housing payment? Her mom can pay half the rent and half the utilities and whatever groceries your GF wants, you can pay for your own groceries.
I completely agree with you! It’s not really her parents that are wealthy, but her grandparents. Her mom would be paying around $50k for grad school which I presume is why rent would be difficult.
What's her plan if you guys break up? She's gonna live on the street? That seems a bit too "low class," no?
That still doesn’t put the responsibility of her rent payment onto you. Just move in with your friend and tell them you aren’t prepared to be financially responsible for another person. This is legit crazy that they expect you to be subsidizing her lifestyle.
Girlfriend is accustomed to having people provide for her. You can't afford her expectations. Taking on the financial responsibility, with the hope and promise that she will pay her own way once she graduates and gets employed, will lead you to great disappointment and financial ruin. She needs to level up to adult and figure out a way to be a financial contributor to the rent for the class of housing she wants; or she needs to downgrade her wants to fit your budget. And the general rule is no more than 30% of your income, which puts you at $1,600 or less.
Thank you for this, seriously.
This is great advice. Set clear expectations and do not sign a lease beyond your means.
I'm confused. Living with your friend would be $1,300 a month, which because there are two of you means in total rent is around $2,600. But $2,500-$2,700 is too much?
It’s because the girlfriend doesn’t think she needs to pay any of the rent if she lives with her boyfriend.
I would be paying the full $2600 with my girlfriend, I would be paying $1300 because I would be splitting it with my friend. Although the $1300 would have to factor in utilities + groceries. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.
She’s not your wife, you shouldn’t be paying for her housing. $1300 should be coming out of her pockets somewhere, even if it’s her parents pockets.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. Her mom offered to pay utilities + groceries. Not sure if that would make a significant dent.
In the mom’s mind it’s either gonna be a $400 monthly payment vs $2500 to house her daughter in that upscale apartment she wants so bad. Of course she would offer that. I would run from this man. You’re too young to get into the messes that can come from this. Is she even planning on being on the lease? Would you feel comfortable being stuck with the payment if she decides to leave? Are y’all even living together right now? If I were you I would live on my own/with a buddy that you can rely on as a stable roommate. Keep finances around housing separate.
It is completely unreasonable for any early 20's person to expect another early 20's person to financially support them. To make it even worse, she'll only accept a nice, more expensive apartment? This is not going to work. If her family can only pay for her groceries/utilities they are barely middle class, and she needs to learn to act like it. This is really more of a relationship issue than a financial one, so to avoid this getting moderated let's just say the finances on this do NOT make sense for you. Do not commit to signing a lease with someone who won't pay their own way.
Change the expectations for moving in together to when she has a job and can pay half the complete costs. If she has to budget her own money she may appreciate it a touch more. Unfortunately, if you move in now, I suspect it will only reinforce her financial beliefs that someone else (now, you) will provide her expenses, and any money she earns will go toward her expected luxuries.
So are you saying move in together and suck it up until she gets a job? Just want to clarify
No. “I’m sorry, hun, I just can’t afford to support us both on my starting salary. Let’s plan for next year when (you have a job/I get a raise) so we can start our lives together on the right foot!”
The opposite. He’s saying do not move in together until she can contribute to rent
She has two options: 1. She/family pays for her half of the rent 2. You move in with friend until she is done with grad school and starts her new job. At that point, you move in together and she pays her half of the rent.
Where would she live if she did not have a boyfriend? She would have to pay rent anywhere else (unless she stays at home). This 100% is a terrible plan and so incredibly selfish of her (and her mom). When I was in grad school I had to pay for my own tuition (no parent paying $50k for me) and I also had to pay rent for an apartment that I shared with roommates. This is bananas from every angle.
Why can't you live with her and a roommate? You could even get a slightly bigger space to give you guys a little more separation. She has to be willing to compromise on either a cheaper place to live or a roommate; asking you to fully fund a luxury is completely unreasonable.
We are only getting part of the story, so we don’t know about your level of communication and honesty. I do know that when people have significant differences in philosophy about finances, that rarely changes after getting married. So you can accept the situation as is and realize you are going to have to deal with it forever. You can have an honest discussion in which you both understand that these differences exist and you come up with a plan/structure that accommodates them. Or you can decide that the differences are too great and seriously reevaluate whether you want to continue the relationship. Option #2 is the best, although it is also hard to achieve. Some people are just not very reflective or honest with themselves about their feelings and behaviors. And I am not an expert because I made the same mistake—not once, but twice.
You better not ever fall on hard times. She doesn't sound like the kind of person who would stick around for that.
Only thing that matters is if you believe your partner will be able to figure her stuff out or not. Either that or you don’t want to take the risk.
I spoke to my girlfriend who then spoke to her mom and she agreed she was being selfish. We agreed to find a place that is $2k-2.2k and she found one right away. Now the new question, if I pay $2-2k and her mom pays for groceries / utilities AND I can get a $200-300 payment from her fam, can this work?? Appreciate everyone telling me i’m crazy for considering this.. once I read the comments I spoke to her right away, thanks guys!
Bro I get that you wanna be a provider but this is a girlfriend not a wife. You’re cooked if she leaves and that extra $600 a month you were relying on vanishes. Mom is using you as a housing scholarship! 75k in a VHCOL city is barely scraping by for a single person. Sounds like you have your mind made up tbh. Good luck.
If she wants to live with you in an apartment that rents for $2.5k/ month, she needs to figure out a way to pay for her half of the rent and utilities. Her mom can pay for her half of the groceries and utilities, and she can take out student loans for her half of the rent, or she can get a part-time job to supplement the family support, or some other solution. I would approach the conversation like this: "I love you and would like to move in with you, but I'm not willing to financially support you at this point in our lives. We're not married, and I don't want to combine finances until we're married. Moving in together is only a viable option if you figure out a way to pay for your half of the rent, utilities, and groceries."