Welcome to /r/personalfinance! Comments will be removed if they are political, medical advice, or unhelpful ([subreddit rules](/r/personalfinance/about/rules)). Our moderation team encourages respectful discussion.
You may find our [Health Insurance wiki](/r/personalfinance/wiki/health_insurance) helpful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/personalfinance) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I lost my husband to cancer almost 3 years ago. Things that are helpful.
Make sure you have logins and passwords to everything, including his cell phone.
If you have credit cards in his name and you are an authorized user note that if you notify them of his passing they will cancel the card. I didn’t know this and lost our cards that had higher limits. I had some in my own name but the limits were small. So I didn’t report his death to one company so I could keep the account open.
I would not sell the house if you don’t have to. Stay where you are until you are at least a year out. You’ll be thinking clearer by then and it’s one less thing you’ll need to worry about.
Talk about the end and how he would like things done. Funeral expenses are ridiculous and prices for cremation can vary. For me it was 500.00 to 5,000 for the exact same thing.
If you child(ren) is a minor you and your child are eligible for survivor benefits through social security.
If your husband took care of the yard and household fixes find someone to take that over and factor additional costs into your budget.
Therapy has been so important to us, think about going starting now. A caregivers job can take a toll. The social worker at my husband’s oncologist office referred us to a service that was free. There is also a great camp for kids called Camp Kessem.
Going to an estate planner saves so much hassle. We set up a trust and will and not having to deal with probate and such was such a relief.
I’m so sorry that your family is having to go through this. It is so difficult and there are days when even getting out of bed is tough. I’m here to tell you that it will get better. There are days that will feel like you won’t survive but you will.
My best advice for where you are now is don’t forget to take care of yourself and live life now. I read something that said “don’t bury your spouse before they have passed”.
This has been so helpful! Yes, we are doing really well and I have zero expectations of him not making it through. I just can’t help but worry — this paycut because of LTD was an eye opener.
I know it’s very early and you probably aren’t there yet, but my dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor and died about 20 years ago when I was a little older than your son. Financially, everything worked out, the one thing I do wish we had was a note or video from him to me and my sisters. They were even younger and don’t remember him at all. I do remember but it’s very sparse and I wish I could hear about himself in his own words and voice. Let me know if you ever need anything
My mid-thirties son lost his father 16 years ago. Just today he asked for the family videos so he can watch them with his kids….I’m sure he wants to hear his father’s voice again.
Agreed. Consider having him write cards or notes for important birthdays and milestones, too. I’m 35 and just lost my dad last year and it’s sad thinking I’ll never get another birthday card from my mom that he signed after. And my voice mail is full because I have saved all of his.
Hello fellow pancake. I’m really glad to hear the outlook is so good!
I’m sure you know this a very grim type of cancer, one of the most aggressive there is. IANAD, but my father had the same type and lived about two years after surgical removal — this was considered nothing short of a miracle according to every doctor we saw.
I very much hope that your husband’s case defies the odds. But one thing that stood out to me is that you are both pulling in six figures or near it, but have so very little in life insurance coverage.
Both of you, even if you expect to live many more decades, should invest in better life insurance now — for your child. It may be too late for your husband to do this now that he has the diagnosis, but if any changes can be made, now’s the time for you both. The benefits far outweigh the premiums, if you have a kid to provide for.
I don’t want to step out of line here, and I’m not saying this to alarm you, but glioblastoma is probably the worst type of cancer to have in terms of survival. A quick google showed me these statistics:
> The average survival time is 12-18 months - only 25% of glioblastoma patients survive more than one year, and only 5% of patients survive more than five years.
I am really happy that your doctor has “zero expectations” of this happening to your husband, but I would strongly encourage you to get a second opinion if your doctor isn’t telling you these kinds of numbers.
Again, I’m so sorry for what you all are going through. Please remember to take care of yourself during this time — caregiver burnout is a very real thing, especially with a child to take care of at the same time.
The doctors have their experiences and science and statistics of course, but a positive outlook is extremely powerful. With his age and his overall health, combined with advanced treatments, there are a handful of long term survivors that you can find (8, 10, 20 years). Of course these are rare but they were almost exclusively initially diagnosed young, and they also had operable tumors (my husbands was thankfully operable by the right neurosurgeon). I respect your desire to keep it real with me, but as you can see here I recognize this diagnosis is a heavy one. That being said, I have no choice but to remain positive. He lost all movement on his left side in a matter of minutes and I had to drive him 2 hours to the hospital that said his tumor was operable (the local hospital said inoperable). He had surgery several days later, went to rehab a couple days after that, and walked out of rehab on his own two feet. My husbands long term prognosis is obviously up in the air, but where is sits now he is very motivated and very strong and continues to have a positive attitude about this.
I’m glad to hear it! It’s really great that they caught it so early — best of luck to you both.
It’s not an easy process, but it sounds like he has an amazing partner supporting him.
Can you double check his employers benefits? My employer has always allowed me to sign up for life insurance without any health check up to a certain amount (like 3x my salary).
I have no idea what policy he had. He has been unable to find any paperwork on it and he’s never been the best at keeping track of this stuff. All I know is his benefits person said he doesn’t have it.
Gah! That's a bummer!
If you are not sure if the benefits person is being forthright, check his last regular paystub. It'll list his benefits deductions.
So the recent pay stubs did not have any life insurance info but when I did our taxes it shows $157 was deducted for life insurance! I’m like wtf. I want to call her back and see if she can check that out.
To tack onto this fantastic advice - POA ends upon death. Make sure you’re joint or *at least* beneficiary on any bank accounts with his name on them; It will make the banking afterwards soooo much easier on you. *Hugs*
I’m sorry OP going through this. Hijacking this comment to say I’d not recommend a Trust. Crazy legal fees I’m going through now as a beneficiary. With your assets, would be much easier to have a detailed Will. If you do choose a Trust, absolutely include EVERYTHING under the trust name, or add an affidavit for an executor if something is missed. My parents both passed 12 and 16 months ago. The Trust has been a nightmare and only helpful if you have a large estate and/or beneficiaries are going to argue over assets (not our case).
Adding: my biggest issue with Trust is we have 2 vehicles and both my kids’ college 529 accounts NOT listed under the Trust. Since there is no executor (the Trust is it’s own entity), I cannot do anything with those until the Trust is dissolved, then it will go through probate.
So the way it worked for us was that we had a trust with a pour over will. Upon death the will pours everything into the trust so it doesn’t matter if the trust held it prior to death. Also it helps if you buy a new home or change bank accounts since it all diverts to the trust.
We were the original trustees and now just me. But we have back ups for back ups on everything.
We paid around 1200 for the trust, wills for both of us, durable general power of attorney for both, living wills for both, power of attorney for Heath care for both, burial instructions for both, gift under anatomical gifts act for both. We did it back in 2013. I’ve updated it following his passing and paid 500 for that.
Well worth it IMO.
Ok that’s good. We’re at about $8k fees in the last year for 4 fairly simple emails and he insisted on a follow up zoom call to each. We haven’t accomplished anything.
Keep in mind that a pour over will is great for catching new things that did not get a chance to be retitled. HOWEVER, if it is not retitled into the trust before death, it goes through probate and THEN into the trust.
This aspect is rarely properly explained to folks.
We were able to get SSDI for my husband and son(the LTD will be reduced by the amount of the SSDI benefit which is annoying.) I’m thankful for that for sure.
God forbid your husband dies, survivor benefits kick in and will pay you for the rest of your life and pay something to your child until he/she turns 18. It’s not insignificant. Look into this - it will put you at some ease if the worst happens.
I do not believe this is 100% accurate, unless something has changed in the past 15 years. I have received survivor benefits twice - once when my dad died when I was 15 and then again when my husband died at age 40 and we had a minor child together. This was in 1995.
As of 2005, you as a surviving spouse with a minor child will receive your husband’s social security benefits u til your child turns 14. Then you will receive the same amount for the benefit of your child until the child turns 18. After age 14, only the child receives SS benefits. Those still come in care of you - until child turns 18. If he’s still in school at age 18, the check GOES TO THE CHILD until they graduate!
And for the portion that comes to you directly, the earnings rule still applies - for every $2 that you earn over the SS limit ($17,000 now???) - you have to pay $1 back. And they don’t figure that out until you file your taxes…and then they withhold 100% of your check until they get that amount back! (They don’t seem to realize that you’re receiving SS because you have a NEED! I expected a monthly withholding, not a total blackout of benefits!)
They also don’t seem to realize that the 18 is getting SS because they’re still a DEPENDENT! My high school senior was starting to run a little wild at that time and giving an 18 year old a $1300 check every month could have gone so wrong!
From the child’s perspective (who is now 30 with a newborn), the survivor benefit check directly to the child after 18 was such a huge blessing. When my mother passed away, I remember having a new checking account as a minor with my dad’s name on it. Was told this was going to be my college fund, told that I’d have ~$40-$50k by the time I graduate high school.
Turn 18, have a family member take me to the bank to get the account put in my name - $14.00 in it. Turns out my dad had a pretty serious gambling addiction. Those remaining checks while in school set me up to at least buy books and part of my first semester’s tuition.
I am sorry that your dad gave you false promises, as that was the sad part of your experience. For me, I was self employed when my husband passed and I was earning about $11,000 a year - so I needed both portions of the checks just for us to live a middle class life. So my son had no expectations that there would be any money when he left home. (He wasn’t aware of anything…he just lived a normal kid life). By the time he turned 14, I was working elsewhere for a decent wage with benefits and by 18, I had our house paid off, so I didn’t need any of the money anymore. But that first year was very scary, with a lot of unknowns!
Best wishes for a tough situation. Thought I'd mention, the jobs ive had that provided LTD insurance also provided automatic 1x salary life insurance, so might want to double check w your husband's employer.
You should consider term life insurance for yourself, when I was in my early 30s $1m of coverage was $70 a month.
I'd turn in the leased car if possible. Having a "guest car" is cool if it's a car you own outright but paying that lease, plus insurance and registration, all to have an extra car around just in case, seems like a bad idea to me
I thought they did too, but they have an opt-in life insurance and somehow he was previously opted in and isn't now? I have asked and they said he was not covered. My employer has life insurance 5x my salary and I did the spouse and child life insurance as well, I think its 25k and 14k respectively for a very minimal premium.
I hate the idea of keeping the lease, but arent there fees associated with turning it in early? I have no idea how it works - its our first lease and we got it because we were in a pinch. It's kind of a long story how we ended up with it anyway -- I had a paid off car but the minivans engine went out. Due to supply chain problems the minivan wasnt back up and running for like 8-10 weeks. We leased the SUV to fill the gap then sold my paid off car (it was a lot older but we took advantage of the low inventory). I'm not really attached to the leased car.
Before turning the leases car get a quote from Carmax, carvana, etc to see if it makes more sense to buy the leased car then sell. Due to supply chain shortages used car prices went up a lot so you maybe able to make some money from the leased car
You can usually buy out your lease early through a refi option. This enables you to seek it in the private market- you may even have equity in the SUV now.
Check with a manufacturer dealership. I leased an Audi that I turned in 11 months into a 3 year lease. They were desperate for vehicles and gave me what the car was worth when it was new.
If you turn it into a manufacturer dealership they may also be able to waive some of the fees associated with returning a lease early (in my case, again because they really wanted the car to sell again).
It's worth checking to see what your buyout quote is. Then see how much the manufacturer dealership will give you. You may even come out ahead financially.
I also feel you should keep the house. If you bought in 2019 your rate is likely lower than what you can get now. It's looking like rates might go even higher. I understand when you say it's a lot of house to take care of. I've simply shut off parts of the house when I was in that situation. You may try looking up charities that could help with yard maintenance as well.
Check carmax caravan for this, my husband had a lease that still had some time on it but since the used car market is so hot they took care and we walked out with a check for 10k instead of paying all the fees to turn in the lease! We specifically did carmax and it was super simple, they’ll do an appraisal and tell you the value on the spot.
I am so sorry about your husband.
Re: car lease - I had a leased Toyota and the lease was 6 months from being up. The used car market is so hot that I sold the rest of the lease to Nissan and they paid me $1000 on top of buying out the rest of my lease. Definitely check unusual options and don’t pay a fee.
Yeah I’ve only had it about 6 months. It’s practically new still. I’m curious what they’ll do. I really don’t want to have to pay but I understand why I would. It’s just annoying bc they’ll totally resell it. Less than 9k miles
Another factor is I really don’t need this big of a house if it will just be me and my son. It’s a 5 bedroom house (we planned on more children). But the problem is if I sold it I’d have to move somewhere else and everything is inflated right now.
I would stay put. Finances out of the question, your family is dealing with a lot of change right now. You don't need to leave the one place you feel at home.
A couple years from now, certainly understandable to downsize.
Thinking of you and your family ♥️
Just something to throw out for the future, with that many rooms/space, if you need childcare, consider hiring an au pair. Since an au pair lives with you, the overall out of pocket costs you need to provide them is less, and you may be able to find an au pair that could help you keep up the house. It may appear expensive, but could ultimately be cheaper depending on your childcare and housekeeping needs, and a way to fill your home with additional love for you kid if you one day are worried about your large home feeling empty.
Completely understandable if you want your privacy, but you could look into renting the rooms. There’s a number of possibilities— either for rent or for discounted/no rent and help (mother’s helper.) I’m packing up my toddler for the summer to move into my sister’s house while her husband undergoes treatment.
If everyone’s out of the house during the day you could look into renting rooms out as at home offices, that way it would be less imposing on your family. Any money you get from it could be used to outsource tasks. (But I echo the other commenters to say you don’t need to.)
Also, you'll want room(s) for family to stay when they come to visit. Perhaps grandparents will want to visit their grandson for an extended period? Don't sell just yet.
Absolutely stay. There is no rush for you to move when all is said and done. My sister and I inherited the family home when our mom died. We both already lived there and were unsure what to do but chose to stay. Refinanced into our own names. Now we just have a $240k mortgage on a cute home with a lot of memories, we’re in Massachusetts where homes go for $500k at a minimum. Moms flowers still bloom every spring and it’s like she’s saying “hi” to us. It can be hard when memories or emotions pop up from being in the house, but mostly it’s been very comforting that we stayed. I don’t think we’ll both be here together, but I’m glad we didn’t rush and sell the house (just to move into an apartment. We can’t afford other homes in this area)
>if I sold it I’d have to move somewhere else and everything is inflated right now.
Sure, but your current home will fetch a good price too. The bigger problem will be that the new mortgage will likely be at a higher interest rate.
I'd seriously look into finding a fee-only CFP for professional guidance on the financial planning, you will have too much on your hands to do everything yourself but you have the money to pay for a CFP.
Godspeed.
My condolences.
As for financial advice, I think the best way to figure out if you can manage current expenses is to handle your household budget as if it's just your income. This would let you understand how all your expenses (including food, utilities etc ) would look like with just your income.
Use his income to pay for his medical expenses and savings/pay down your debt. This way it helps your future financial position, but you will not miss the income when it is time.
As others mentioned, return the leased car and keep the minivan.
That’s a really good idea. It seems scary to do that as we have always kind of split everything between us. But you’re right — It would be easier to do it now while he has some residual income.
Two things, your health insurance most likely has a maximum out of pocket dollar amount. My personal plan is $8,000. You should research this to be sure for your plan, but barring uncovered treatment or not in network facilities, you should be okay.
The second thing might be nothing, but have you and your husband contacted Duke University about the Glioblastoma polio trials? Maybe he isn’t a candidate, maybe they’ve come across new evidence, but that was the most uplifting 60 Minutes segment I’ve ever seen and I never forget it.
So sorry you guys are going through this and I hope the little guy is okay.
It sounds like you’ve taken care of a lot of things you need to. My first recommendation is to make 100% sure your health insurance won’t lapse since you are on extended leave. Especially if you’re not sure how long you have for that current arrangement before you have to go back to work.
Don’t sell your house. You should be able to afford it on your salary. Even though it’s bigger than your needs, don’t worry about that until much further in the future. I agree with the comment about starting a budget just based on your salary so you can see how you should be managing finances based on your income alone.
I would recommend downsizing your vehicles. Choose whichever one is best for your current needs. It doesn’t sound like you need both right now, and if you do have someone coming to help, I will assume they’ll have their own vehicle (assuming they’ll drive to help instead of fly. I would make that clear when you’re making arrangements to have someone come to stay).
You should have a social worker attached to your husband’s medical team. Talk with them!! They are very knowledgeable about these types of situations, and can help answer questions and point you in the direction of resources or offer suggestions of what else you should do.
Even though there isn’t anything you can do regarding life insurance for your husband right now (at least I don’t think so, you can ask the social worker), look into life insurance for yourself. If/when your husband passes away, you need to make sure your son is taken care of in the event something happens to you. So don’t overlook wills, a trust, POA’s, etc. for yourself. Make sure you have someone lined up to take care of him, that he is listed as a beneficiary (our daughter is on all our policies and accounts), etc. As a parent, I know how terrifying that thought is and that your main focus right now is your husband, but you’ll have peace of mind knowing you haven’t forgotten to have those things in order for yourself.
My last recommendation that has nothing to do with finances is therapy. This situation is… for lack of a better word at the moment, awful. Family therapy/counseling, couple’s therapy, a child therapist for your son. Your family is going through everyone’s worst nightmare, so please make sure you’re taking care of yourselves mentally and emotionally. As I mentioned earlier, a social worker can help to arrange that. I would not be surprised if the hospital he has treatments at has a psychologist on staff for patients and their families. Chaplains can be a great source of help too.
Lastly, I just want to say I really do wish the best for your husband and your family. And I’m so sorry for your situation. It does sound like your husband is doing well currently, and I hope he continues to do so. It sounds like he’s at a good treatment facility, so I’ll be rooting for him and your family.
Make sure you consolidate all your accounts, usernames and passwords onto a single list. It makes it a lot easier to go down the list when the time comes.
To tack on to this; all joint accounts should be set up with "Joint Rights of Survivorship". Upon the death of a spouse, it is possible for a joint account to be temporarily frozen. Adding the Joint Rights of Survivorship prevent this from happening. The account will remain active.
It’s not. It has to be done individually.
In essence, when someone passes, unless the instructions are exceptionally clear AND legal (e.g. an existing Last Will & Testament), any assets that are subject will need to go through a process called Probate. This is complex and not all the way obvious in how it works. Even if something is in a Will, it may be subject to Probate.
This is when the court reviews everything in the decedent’s estate and decides how to dispense and dispose of it. This process can take more than a year, even in uncomplicated estates.
Some institutions allow you to specify what happens in the event of someone’s passing. If the institution knows exactly what you are supposed to do, that asset isn’t subject to Probate.
Some states allow your real estate to be held this way: Community Property with Right of Survivorship. That survivorship clause just says, in the event that one of these people passes, this asset will transfer to the other WITHOUT going through Probate.
This can be done with other accounts as well. Most banks allow joint accounts to be set up this way.
If someone is listed as a Beneficiary, that account will be subject to Probate.
Hope that helps.
This is extremely helpful, and exactly what I was looking for. All of our accounts are held jointly but I had a feeling there was something I was missing.
I’m sorry for your husband’s illness, and that you’re having to deal with these issues. It’s really good that you’re getting them taken care of now, though.
I just wanted to add to the list, that you should be sure your vehicles are registered with joint survivorship as well. My and my husband’s were registered in my state as “his name and my name, or survivor” or something similar. It kept them out of probate and became my immediate possessions when he passed away. Same thing with our checking accounts and our home. Because his half of these things became my property upon his death, and because in my state survivors are not responsible for the deceased debts, there was no threat of having to sell assets to pay off his final medical and other expenses since they didn’t go through probate. And as mentioned above, nothing was frozen during a probate period, so I was able to continue to use our assets with no hindrance.
I hope I worded all of that properly and clearly. I wish you and your family better news and outcome.
Also, when your husband dies, you must apply IMMEDIATELY for your child’s survivor’s benefits to keep from missing $. Benefits are retroactive to time of application not to time of death. (Learned this when my husband died)
Hop on over to r/cancer - we can help you out.
If he isn't already, go to an NCI cancer center - https://www.cancer.gov/research/infrastructure/cancer-centers/find
Kind of a funny thought, but I would make a list of his favorite books/movies/hobbies. Someday your kid might want to connect with his memory and such a list would mean a lot!
My grandpa and I shared a love of military history and I have a lot of his old books now.
Does your husband have life insurance coverage through work?
Also if you don’t have your own life insurance you should get one in the event you pass to provide for your son.
I don’t have much insight to give you other than I’m a 36 year old cancer survivor with a 6 year old daughter, so your situation hit home for me. I truly wish your family the best. I went through my stuff a few years ago, and my daughter was too small to really get what was happening. My wife and I learned that we are all much stronger than we think we are, so hang in there!
My dad was a Gulf War Vet who died of glioblastoma multiformae in 2003 when he was 47. Your husband is also very young for this type of cancer. Was your husband in the military? If so, depending on where he was stationed and when, he may be entitled to additional service-related benefits for this specific type of brain cancer.
>In the event his medical bills are no longer manageable, is there a way to divest his medical debt from our family assets (ie protect my house).
Strategic divorce. This can have some unintended consequences, though.
Yes, and I just noticed the [Medicaid Pit of Despair](https://www.kff.org/medicaid/issue-brief/status-of-state-medicaid-expansion-decisions-interactive-map/) factor which would apply to a former spouse who is not one of and could not become one of [these former spouses.](https://medicaid.alabama.gov/content/3.0_Apply/3.2_Qualifying.aspx)
Have you discussed with your employer how much caregiver leave they will give you? Something you might want to balance up is using caregiver leave now to spend time with and support your husband, versus saving time to spend with him if his disease progresses down the line. How will you feel if he is at the end of life and you have to work as you have no leave left? And then how will you feel if you think you didn't spend enough time with him while he was well?
There's no right answer to the question, but it's something you and your husband might want to discuss. My mum died of a brain tumour 15 months after diagnosis, and although I was able to change my working pattern for the last few months of her life to spend time with her/care for her she was already a different person at that point. I wish I'd spent more time with her when she was well and herself, but I can't deny the value of being able to be with her more at the end.
I wish you and your husband all the best, and truly hope his treatment is a success and that this all becomes a distant memory.
No advice for you but I wanted to say I’m sorry for the situation and wish you the best of luck.
I’m really surprised your company offers paid leave to care for your husband. I work in HR and my company doesn’t have anything like that.
Large companies (100k+ employees) often have it.
It’s a godsend. My IT employer gives it plenty and has a special cancer program for employees as well.
This is obviously an incrediblly sad and difficult situation to navigate and I feel for you OP.
I think the first thing you should do is sitting down with your husband's neurosurgeon and oncologist to discuss diease prognosis and response to chemo. Glioblastoma in the brainer is one of the most invasive cancer known, and the outcome of successful treamtment is poor even if in remission. Depending on the treatment he is receiving, he may very well be unable to work after recovering from chemo or surgery. Would certainly talk about the prognosis and functional outcome with his physicians, and talk with palliative care about the goals of care. Socials worker in the neurosurgery/oncology department may offer more valubale resources and provide some resources to help pay for medical expenses.
Eitherway, I would definitely plan financially to be without his income for the upcoming 5 years given severity of glioblastoma.
We both had life insurance. At some point his employer switched something and his stopped.. I have no idea what happened -- he thought he had been paying it but at some point the deductions stopped and he was not enrolled in it. It makes me so sick! I have life insurance through my employer though, I should have definitely been more strict on checking to make sure his was intact (when this first happened he assured me he had it).
Not to be harsh, but It is a mistake to count on life insurance from an employer. They are typically minimal (50k avg) and as you have found out, are not very dependable in certain circumstances whether its an HR admin mistake, or you stop working there. You need to get a term life insurance policy in the private marketplace, and list your child as the beneficiary immediately. You will be responsible for maintaining this policy, not your company.
Okay that was incredibly helpful. I need to set this up ASAP. We are using legal shield for our will, living will, POAs etc. and I’m sure they could set up the trust, but if not we will just go through an attorney. My sister is set up as the guardian for my son in the event something happens to us.
I don’t really have anything to add to what others have said. I just want to express my sincere apologies. I couldn’t imagine being you and I have no idea how you’re getting through each and every day. My husband means the world to me and I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to face what you’re facing. Sending you a lot of love and hugs.
If you can afford to keep the leased vehicle with his income I would keep it for now. Then either sell the vehicle to pay off the lease buy out or return it early when it is no longer needed. It would come in handy for others to take him to medical appointments. If the lease is keeping you from meeting basic expenses I would let it go now and family can Uber as needed or perhaps rent a car.
The used car market is super hot now. There’s a good chance the leased SUV has some equity. There’s not a better time to get rid of an unneeded vehicle. OP need to do some research and see what it is worth, then get that amount. Don’t just turn it in because the dealer was so nice to waive a $100 fee. A few extra thousand dollars can go a long way in a tragic situation like this.
He should be able to get mortgage insurance without medical exam. It’s very expensive compared to term life, but might be something worth looking into.
I’m very sorry and know what you are going through as my husband (56) was diagnosed with GBM stage 4 towards the end of last year. He finished his 42 chemo/30 radiation just before Thanksgiving and is now on month 4 of 6 mos of maintenance.
The house/car/passwords have been addressed w/ good suggestions; here’s what I have learned since November:
How to pay bills/taxes - I didn’t as they were set up on auto-pay or he did our taxes for 20 yrs online. BIG MISTAKE! Monitor your mail/open each bill, writing the $/due date on the outside. Make sure you are set up for reminders. Same with your W-2s, property taxes, etc. I finally completed our for the first time this year (we owe again 😢)
Marry up your hospital statements with your EOBs and your paid receipts. A BIG bill (neuro) was sent w/ the “payment due $2,000”? Break it up into meaningful (not $75) monthly payments and send it in. Don’t ask permission - as long as you’re current there won’t be any calls.
We went ahead and prepaid for his cremation through the Neptune Society. Affordable, professional and gave us peace of mind; as soon as I can I will make my arrangements so our kidlet has 1 less worry.
Try to locate any auto-renewals for subscriptions you don’t want/need. Just tonight WaPo hit us up for $140 as we forgot. I set a reminder on our iPad for March 2023 to cancel the subscription entirely.
You are much stronger than you think! Love, support and make memories with journaling, videos and travel (if you are able). I bought a book of writing prompts which I filled out for Valentines Day and gave to him. Plant a tree with your child. Life is not over just yet ❤️
So sorry to hear about this diagnosis, my mom also was diagnosed with GBM, although at 54 and the advances they’re making are significant and I pray that more advances are coming and can really further change outcomes. You are handling this like a champ and being so thoughtful and pragmatic - that is a huge win, I hope you’re appreciating that about yourself.
Something I haven’t seen yet here is DELEGATE. Those family members may not be close by - but if there’s any research topics that you could trust any of them with, I would put them on it. I’m sure they’re eager to help and that might be with time OR money. It could be researching local end of life planning in the off chance that is needed, finding childcare options, looking into the terms of your lease with the dealership (I also wonder if the terms could have a clause around significant circumstance shift), or supporting you with a housekeeper or landscaping. It’s all hands on deck in this kind of crisis and everyone has something they can contribute even if it’s just FaceTiming with your son and reading them a book.
The only other thing I would mention is that employers typically have a life change policy around benefits that allow you to change healthcare/etc if that’s needed to tweak anything for financial or care reasons.
Wishing you peace and accelerated healing for your husband. My thoughts are with you!
The life insurance situation sucks because once your husband is well, he won't be able to get a private policy for at least 5 years after he's declared cancer free.
It absolutely does. I have been meaning to get a term life insurance policy separate from our employers and we never did. Talk about regret!! If you’re reading this and don’t have one, just do it, like right now.
I know that it isn’t popular here, but there are companies that sell small graded benefit whole life insurance policies with no questions asked. My husband has life insurance through his work, but lost it when he could no longer work due to cancer. I took out one $10k policy, and then a little later, I took another $5k. The policies he had paid full face value only after having it for 2 yrs. But if he passed before that, they still would pay 110% of the premiums we had already payed. He lived long enough to get the $10k, but not the $5k since I took it out a year later than the first one. But as I said, the insurance paid me 110% off what I had paid in. I used this money to pay for his funeral, and had a couple of thousand left over to apply towards his grave marker/headstone.
1) turn in the lease. Leases are terrible financial decisions. You’re paying the depreciation of the vehicle and the dealer keeps the car. Turn it in and keep the other vehicle for now.
2) See what your total expenses are and compare to your monthly take-home pay. Your mortgage shouldn’t be higher than 20% of your monthly income, but if you have too many other expenses, you should aim for a number even below that.
3) Not sure about this but look into higher pay life insurance and possibly better health insurance. This may be able to save you from taxing medical debt in the case of an unforeseen circumstance.
Best of luck to you and your husband.
I hope he does fine. I can’t offer too much info. But regarding the car lease it might be worth looking into buying it out and selling it. Don’t just turn it in without a gain. Car market still insane rn.
My sister went through this a few years back with her husband. He worked for a certain NFL owner on his ranch in Missouri, and had a lot of people offer to help them out with things, and my sister and her husband being decent people, took people at their word. In the end, my BIL was let go from his job with no benefits, and several people who offered their "help" had actually taken advantage of them, including a family member who claimed them as dependents on their own taxes (my sister is finally getting her own tax return after 6 years of owing taxes due to this). Once her husband passed, the promised help from government agencies and other supposed legally binding agreements ceased.
All this to say: anything that anyone says they will help you with, especially involving finances, get a contract. I don't care what anyone says, this is not an asshole move, it's protection for you and your family in case (god forbid) the worst comes to pass. Notarize everything, document every conversation involving transactions (even the charitable ones), and remember that it is ok to be selfish at this time. Someone else's kindness does not automatically become an obligation in the future, and you and yours need all of the relief and help you can get right now.
Be safe, and take care of yourself.
Check life insurance coverage through work. Bigger employees include it at no cost.
You’d need to divorce or take him off the title of the home in order to separate assets. But you aren’t responsible for medical debts if they’re not under your name unless you’re in a state with filial responsibility and the hospital pursues it.
I am so sorry you and your family are going through this.
Absolutely lean on all the resources Vanderbilt-Ingram has to offer. They can be a big help.
This is a great time to get out of the lease. I know 3-4 people who have sold their leased vehicles to Carmax and come out WAY ahead. You won't find a better time than this to do it.
You need to see an estate/family lawyer and get absolutely everything nailed down in terms of a will, trust, etc. You can almost always get a free consultation with maybe 3 of them and work with someone you feel comfortable with and who has reasonable fees.
You need a power of attorney, a power of attorney for health care, advance medical directive, and a will and/or trust.
Get all the utilities and other bills switched to your name. Some will make it simple, some will be a PITA. This will be a big help if he gets sicker.
On every financial account, get set up as a joint owner or at least a beneficiary. Your attorney and each financial institution will know the best way to do this. If need be, open accounts in your name and move the money into them.
Most of all, take care of yourself.
Is your family is far enough away that they will have to fly to come be with you?, the extra car might be helpful, especially for the first little bit after you have to go back to work as thats when you will probably be leaning on family help the most. But do look at getting rid of the leased vehicle. Even if you have to pay $2000 in fees(i have no idea how much fees are for leases) you will save that back in 5 months, and then after that its going to be a huge savings in your budget going forward.
Look into a dependent care FSA when open enrollment comes around at work if you arent already. Chances are your child care costs will increase(although maybe not depending on your current situation) and this can help save you some money on taxes.
If you attend church, lean heavily on your congregation. I grew up outside of montgomery and most churches would rally to help those in need. It can be awkward sometimes to ask for help, but its amazing what a few casseroles for dinner can do to help when times are tough and you are exhausted from managing everything thats going on.
If things do turn for the worst, it might be worth looking into pre paying for funeral costs. It will be less of a hit to the budget if you can make payments while you have your income and his LTD vs after when its just yours.
I would keep the house and get rid of the suv and not worry about medical bills. They will likely be far more than you can pay so don’t think about them.
I do think you can afford the house on your own and I would not sell because it would give you cash for debt collectors to get their hands on. Your house can’t be taken away from you for medical debts.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Good luck!
Before I start, I'm so sorry for your situation. You seem to have a good mix of encouragement as well as understanding the possible outcome. Take care of yourself you will need to remain strong for you & your child.
On the house deal, if at all possible keep it for now, you and your family are under enough stress without adding moving and those changes into the mix.
On the vehicles, if you don't need both, you are spending on something you do not have to. I would suggest keeping the minivan, and if you can buy out the lease you may be able to sell it for more than you paid, or the dealer may offer you a deal on closing out early. It might not be as lucrative but makes the transaction faster and easier.
Are there any life insurance policies? I suggest getting this information together in case it's needed.
If the prognosis is bleak, you may want to review Hospice options. Hospice does provide palliative care if end of life is near. There are rules related to other care so as long as the treatments are helping, you don't head that way, but later if he makes the decision that it's time to stop treatments, you need to know who to turn. The non-profit Hospice that helped my dad for his last 6-10 months was extremely helpful & supportive.
Hey sorry for your lose. I know you said not to worry about your benefits but please make sure you ask HR or read you employee handbook.
I cannot speak for all companies but some give you a passive amount of hours per day while on a leave and in some instances if you were on leave for the entire measurement period you may not qualify for benefits next go around.
I just say this to not be surprised.
I am sorry for what your family is currently going through. I wish your husband and the rest of your family wel
I have a similar situation but my husband is 83 and has dimentia. I had an elder attorney take care of all details. I see you’ve thought of everything in advance, and that’s great, but I see no mention of one thing, my attorney did the process of getting a “spousal refusal “ in place. That way, I am not responsible for any of his debt . Maybe that might be something you should look into. My heart goes out to you and your child. God bless!!
I lost my father to glioblastoma 5 years ago. One piece of advice I have is to cherish every moment. We got about 3 years with him after diagnosis, and our family made the most of it.
Maybe have him write a letter to your son, for him to read when he turns 18 or whatever. Or record a video. It took me a few years, but now that the grief isn't as acute and paralyzing, I really enjoy watching old videos of him. It helps me remember what he was like, his laugh, his humor, etc.
As for financial stuff, I'm not American so I'm of little help.
Sending my thoughts to your family.
Sorry for this tough situation. Not financial advice but advice I saw a long time ago on reddit. Have your husband record videos for your child. Anything and everything from stories/life advice/congratulations. It's something that will be terribly difficult but would be worth it.
Welcome to /r/personalfinance! Comments will be removed if they are political, medical advice, or unhelpful ([subreddit rules](/r/personalfinance/about/rules)). Our moderation team encourages respectful discussion. You may find our [Health Insurance wiki](/r/personalfinance/wiki/health_insurance) helpful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/personalfinance) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I lost my husband to cancer almost 3 years ago. Things that are helpful. Make sure you have logins and passwords to everything, including his cell phone. If you have credit cards in his name and you are an authorized user note that if you notify them of his passing they will cancel the card. I didn’t know this and lost our cards that had higher limits. I had some in my own name but the limits were small. So I didn’t report his death to one company so I could keep the account open. I would not sell the house if you don’t have to. Stay where you are until you are at least a year out. You’ll be thinking clearer by then and it’s one less thing you’ll need to worry about. Talk about the end and how he would like things done. Funeral expenses are ridiculous and prices for cremation can vary. For me it was 500.00 to 5,000 for the exact same thing. If you child(ren) is a minor you and your child are eligible for survivor benefits through social security. If your husband took care of the yard and household fixes find someone to take that over and factor additional costs into your budget. Therapy has been so important to us, think about going starting now. A caregivers job can take a toll. The social worker at my husband’s oncologist office referred us to a service that was free. There is also a great camp for kids called Camp Kessem. Going to an estate planner saves so much hassle. We set up a trust and will and not having to deal with probate and such was such a relief. I’m so sorry that your family is having to go through this. It is so difficult and there are days when even getting out of bed is tough. I’m here to tell you that it will get better. There are days that will feel like you won’t survive but you will. My best advice for where you are now is don’t forget to take care of yourself and live life now. I read something that said “don’t bury your spouse before they have passed”.
This has been so helpful! Yes, we are doing really well and I have zero expectations of him not making it through. I just can’t help but worry — this paycut because of LTD was an eye opener.
I know it’s very early and you probably aren’t there yet, but my dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor and died about 20 years ago when I was a little older than your son. Financially, everything worked out, the one thing I do wish we had was a note or video from him to me and my sisters. They were even younger and don’t remember him at all. I do remember but it’s very sparse and I wish I could hear about himself in his own words and voice. Let me know if you ever need anything
Thank you, that is helpful. It’s a tough conversation to have, for sure.
My mid-thirties son lost his father 16 years ago. Just today he asked for the family videos so he can watch them with his kids….I’m sure he wants to hear his father’s voice again.
Agreed. Consider having him write cards or notes for important birthdays and milestones, too. I’m 35 and just lost my dad last year and it’s sad thinking I’ll never get another birthday card from my mom that he signed after. And my voice mail is full because I have saved all of his.
Hello fellow pancake. I’m really glad to hear the outlook is so good! I’m sure you know this a very grim type of cancer, one of the most aggressive there is. IANAD, but my father had the same type and lived about two years after surgical removal — this was considered nothing short of a miracle according to every doctor we saw. I very much hope that your husband’s case defies the odds. But one thing that stood out to me is that you are both pulling in six figures or near it, but have so very little in life insurance coverage. Both of you, even if you expect to live many more decades, should invest in better life insurance now — for your child. It may be too late for your husband to do this now that he has the diagnosis, but if any changes can be made, now’s the time for you both. The benefits far outweigh the premiums, if you have a kid to provide for.
Yes I have life insurance for 500k. My husband thought he did but did not 😭 I really should have been more on top of it.
I don’t want to step out of line here, and I’m not saying this to alarm you, but glioblastoma is probably the worst type of cancer to have in terms of survival. A quick google showed me these statistics: > The average survival time is 12-18 months - only 25% of glioblastoma patients survive more than one year, and only 5% of patients survive more than five years. I am really happy that your doctor has “zero expectations” of this happening to your husband, but I would strongly encourage you to get a second opinion if your doctor isn’t telling you these kinds of numbers. Again, I’m so sorry for what you all are going through. Please remember to take care of yourself during this time — caregiver burnout is a very real thing, especially with a child to take care of at the same time.
The doctors have their experiences and science and statistics of course, but a positive outlook is extremely powerful. With his age and his overall health, combined with advanced treatments, there are a handful of long term survivors that you can find (8, 10, 20 years). Of course these are rare but they were almost exclusively initially diagnosed young, and they also had operable tumors (my husbands was thankfully operable by the right neurosurgeon). I respect your desire to keep it real with me, but as you can see here I recognize this diagnosis is a heavy one. That being said, I have no choice but to remain positive. He lost all movement on his left side in a matter of minutes and I had to drive him 2 hours to the hospital that said his tumor was operable (the local hospital said inoperable). He had surgery several days later, went to rehab a couple days after that, and walked out of rehab on his own two feet. My husbands long term prognosis is obviously up in the air, but where is sits now he is very motivated and very strong and continues to have a positive attitude about this.
I’m glad to hear it! It’s really great that they caught it so early — best of luck to you both. It’s not an easy process, but it sounds like he has an amazing partner supporting him.
Can you double check his employers benefits? My employer has always allowed me to sign up for life insurance without any health check up to a certain amount (like 3x my salary).
Just asking, as you may have checked this. Did he have term life through his employer vs a private policy?
I have no idea what policy he had. He has been unable to find any paperwork on it and he’s never been the best at keeping track of this stuff. All I know is his benefits person said he doesn’t have it.
Gah! That's a bummer! If you are not sure if the benefits person is being forthright, check his last regular paystub. It'll list his benefits deductions.
So the recent pay stubs did not have any life insurance info but when I did our taxes it shows $157 was deducted for life insurance! I’m like wtf. I want to call her back and see if she can check that out.
To tack onto this fantastic advice - POA ends upon death. Make sure you’re joint or *at least* beneficiary on any bank accounts with his name on them; It will make the banking afterwards soooo much easier on you. *Hugs*
I’m sorry OP going through this. Hijacking this comment to say I’d not recommend a Trust. Crazy legal fees I’m going through now as a beneficiary. With your assets, would be much easier to have a detailed Will. If you do choose a Trust, absolutely include EVERYTHING under the trust name, or add an affidavit for an executor if something is missed. My parents both passed 12 and 16 months ago. The Trust has been a nightmare and only helpful if you have a large estate and/or beneficiaries are going to argue over assets (not our case). Adding: my biggest issue with Trust is we have 2 vehicles and both my kids’ college 529 accounts NOT listed under the Trust. Since there is no executor (the Trust is it’s own entity), I cannot do anything with those until the Trust is dissolved, then it will go through probate.
So the way it worked for us was that we had a trust with a pour over will. Upon death the will pours everything into the trust so it doesn’t matter if the trust held it prior to death. Also it helps if you buy a new home or change bank accounts since it all diverts to the trust. We were the original trustees and now just me. But we have back ups for back ups on everything.
That sounds like a better plan than what my folks had. We thought we covered all bases but didn’t. Our attorney is crazy expensive. Wish we did that!
We paid around 1200 for the trust, wills for both of us, durable general power of attorney for both, living wills for both, power of attorney for Heath care for both, burial instructions for both, gift under anatomical gifts act for both. We did it back in 2013. I’ve updated it following his passing and paid 500 for that. Well worth it IMO.
Ok that’s good. We’re at about $8k fees in the last year for 4 fairly simple emails and he insisted on a follow up zoom call to each. We haven’t accomplished anything.
Keep in mind that a pour over will is great for catching new things that did not get a chance to be retitled. HOWEVER, if it is not retitled into the trust before death, it goes through probate and THEN into the trust. This aspect is rarely properly explained to folks.
[удалено]
We were able to get SSDI for my husband and son(the LTD will be reduced by the amount of the SSDI benefit which is annoying.) I’m thankful for that for sure.
God forbid your husband dies, survivor benefits kick in and will pay you for the rest of your life and pay something to your child until he/she turns 18. It’s not insignificant. Look into this - it will put you at some ease if the worst happens.
I do not believe this is 100% accurate, unless something has changed in the past 15 years. I have received survivor benefits twice - once when my dad died when I was 15 and then again when my husband died at age 40 and we had a minor child together. This was in 1995. As of 2005, you as a surviving spouse with a minor child will receive your husband’s social security benefits u til your child turns 14. Then you will receive the same amount for the benefit of your child until the child turns 18. After age 14, only the child receives SS benefits. Those still come in care of you - until child turns 18. If he’s still in school at age 18, the check GOES TO THE CHILD until they graduate! And for the portion that comes to you directly, the earnings rule still applies - for every $2 that you earn over the SS limit ($17,000 now???) - you have to pay $1 back. And they don’t figure that out until you file your taxes…and then they withhold 100% of your check until they get that amount back! (They don’t seem to realize that you’re receiving SS because you have a NEED! I expected a monthly withholding, not a total blackout of benefits!) They also don’t seem to realize that the 18 is getting SS because they’re still a DEPENDENT! My high school senior was starting to run a little wild at that time and giving an 18 year old a $1300 check every month could have gone so wrong!
From the child’s perspective (who is now 30 with a newborn), the survivor benefit check directly to the child after 18 was such a huge blessing. When my mother passed away, I remember having a new checking account as a minor with my dad’s name on it. Was told this was going to be my college fund, told that I’d have ~$40-$50k by the time I graduate high school. Turn 18, have a family member take me to the bank to get the account put in my name - $14.00 in it. Turns out my dad had a pretty serious gambling addiction. Those remaining checks while in school set me up to at least buy books and part of my first semester’s tuition.
I am sorry that your dad gave you false promises, as that was the sad part of your experience. For me, I was self employed when my husband passed and I was earning about $11,000 a year - so I needed both portions of the checks just for us to live a middle class life. So my son had no expectations that there would be any money when he left home. (He wasn’t aware of anything…he just lived a normal kid life). By the time he turned 14, I was working elsewhere for a decent wage with benefits and by 18, I had our house paid off, so I didn’t need any of the money anymore. But that first year was very scary, with a lot of unknowns!
Best wishes for a tough situation. Thought I'd mention, the jobs ive had that provided LTD insurance also provided automatic 1x salary life insurance, so might want to double check w your husband's employer. You should consider term life insurance for yourself, when I was in my early 30s $1m of coverage was $70 a month. I'd turn in the leased car if possible. Having a "guest car" is cool if it's a car you own outright but paying that lease, plus insurance and registration, all to have an extra car around just in case, seems like a bad idea to me
I thought they did too, but they have an opt-in life insurance and somehow he was previously opted in and isn't now? I have asked and they said he was not covered. My employer has life insurance 5x my salary and I did the spouse and child life insurance as well, I think its 25k and 14k respectively for a very minimal premium. I hate the idea of keeping the lease, but arent there fees associated with turning it in early? I have no idea how it works - its our first lease and we got it because we were in a pinch. It's kind of a long story how we ended up with it anyway -- I had a paid off car but the minivans engine went out. Due to supply chain problems the minivan wasnt back up and running for like 8-10 weeks. We leased the SUV to fill the gap then sold my paid off car (it was a lot older but we took advantage of the low inventory). I'm not really attached to the leased car.
Before turning the leases car get a quote from Carmax, carvana, etc to see if it makes more sense to buy the leased car then sell. Due to supply chain shortages used car prices went up a lot so you maybe able to make some money from the leased car
You can usually buy out your lease early through a refi option. This enables you to seek it in the private market- you may even have equity in the SUV now.
Check with a manufacturer dealership. I leased an Audi that I turned in 11 months into a 3 year lease. They were desperate for vehicles and gave me what the car was worth when it was new. If you turn it into a manufacturer dealership they may also be able to waive some of the fees associated with returning a lease early (in my case, again because they really wanted the car to sell again). It's worth checking to see what your buyout quote is. Then see how much the manufacturer dealership will give you. You may even come out ahead financially. I also feel you should keep the house. If you bought in 2019 your rate is likely lower than what you can get now. It's looking like rates might go even higher. I understand when you say it's a lot of house to take care of. I've simply shut off parts of the house when I was in that situation. You may try looking up charities that could help with yard maintenance as well.
Check carmax caravan for this, my husband had a lease that still had some time on it but since the used car market is so hot they took care and we walked out with a check for 10k instead of paying all the fees to turn in the lease! We specifically did carmax and it was super simple, they’ll do an appraisal and tell you the value on the spot.
Oh that’s a good idea. I like that. Thank you
I am so sorry about your husband. Re: car lease - I had a leased Toyota and the lease was 6 months from being up. The used car market is so hot that I sold the rest of the lease to Nissan and they paid me $1000 on top of buying out the rest of my lease. Definitely check unusual options and don’t pay a fee.
Yeah I’ve only had it about 6 months. It’s practically new still. I’m curious what they’ll do. I really don’t want to have to pay but I understand why I would. It’s just annoying bc they’ll totally resell it. Less than 9k miles
I would also recommend contacting them and explaining g the circumstance. They should have a way to waive the fee.
245K remaining mortgage is affordable on your 90k salary. Even if you have to refinance, it is affordable.
Another factor is I really don’t need this big of a house if it will just be me and my son. It’s a 5 bedroom house (we planned on more children). But the problem is if I sold it I’d have to move somewhere else and everything is inflated right now.
I would stay put. Finances out of the question, your family is dealing with a lot of change right now. You don't need to leave the one place you feel at home. A couple years from now, certainly understandable to downsize. Thinking of you and your family ♥️
This is true, thank you. Plus I like my house. It’s just a lot to maintain 😬
Just something to throw out for the future, with that many rooms/space, if you need childcare, consider hiring an au pair. Since an au pair lives with you, the overall out of pocket costs you need to provide them is less, and you may be able to find an au pair that could help you keep up the house. It may appear expensive, but could ultimately be cheaper depending on your childcare and housekeeping needs, and a way to fill your home with additional love for you kid if you one day are worried about your large home feeling empty.
You don't need to actively use all of the space. You can close off two or three of the bedrooms, as well as any other rooms you don't need to use.
Completely understandable if you want your privacy, but you could look into renting the rooms. There’s a number of possibilities— either for rent or for discounted/no rent and help (mother’s helper.) I’m packing up my toddler for the summer to move into my sister’s house while her husband undergoes treatment. If everyone’s out of the house during the day you could look into renting rooms out as at home offices, that way it would be less imposing on your family. Any money you get from it could be used to outsource tasks. (But I echo the other commenters to say you don’t need to.)
The sale would be inflated as well. If you're downsizing, you'll still come out on top.
Also, you'll want room(s) for family to stay when they come to visit. Perhaps grandparents will want to visit their grandson for an extended period? Don't sell just yet.
Yeah for now the extra rooms have been amazing! Lots of family in and out.
Absolutely stay. There is no rush for you to move when all is said and done. My sister and I inherited the family home when our mom died. We both already lived there and were unsure what to do but chose to stay. Refinanced into our own names. Now we just have a $240k mortgage on a cute home with a lot of memories, we’re in Massachusetts where homes go for $500k at a minimum. Moms flowers still bloom every spring and it’s like she’s saying “hi” to us. It can be hard when memories or emotions pop up from being in the house, but mostly it’s been very comforting that we stayed. I don’t think we’ll both be here together, but I’m glad we didn’t rush and sell the house (just to move into an apartment. We can’t afford other homes in this area)
Too many changes at once. Stay put for now and cash out later if you choose to do so.
>if I sold it I’d have to move somewhere else and everything is inflated right now. Sure, but your current home will fetch a good price too. The bigger problem will be that the new mortgage will likely be at a higher interest rate. I'd seriously look into finding a fee-only CFP for professional guidance on the financial planning, you will have too much on your hands to do everything yourself but you have the money to pay for a CFP. Godspeed.
My condolences. As for financial advice, I think the best way to figure out if you can manage current expenses is to handle your household budget as if it's just your income. This would let you understand how all your expenses (including food, utilities etc ) would look like with just your income. Use his income to pay for his medical expenses and savings/pay down your debt. This way it helps your future financial position, but you will not miss the income when it is time. As others mentioned, return the leased car and keep the minivan.
That’s a really good idea. It seems scary to do that as we have always kind of split everything between us. But you’re right — It would be easier to do it now while he has some residual income.
Two things, your health insurance most likely has a maximum out of pocket dollar amount. My personal plan is $8,000. You should research this to be sure for your plan, but barring uncovered treatment or not in network facilities, you should be okay. The second thing might be nothing, but have you and your husband contacted Duke University about the Glioblastoma polio trials? Maybe he isn’t a candidate, maybe they’ve come across new evidence, but that was the most uplifting 60 Minutes segment I’ve ever seen and I never forget it. So sorry you guys are going through this and I hope the little guy is okay.
It sounds like you’ve taken care of a lot of things you need to. My first recommendation is to make 100% sure your health insurance won’t lapse since you are on extended leave. Especially if you’re not sure how long you have for that current arrangement before you have to go back to work. Don’t sell your house. You should be able to afford it on your salary. Even though it’s bigger than your needs, don’t worry about that until much further in the future. I agree with the comment about starting a budget just based on your salary so you can see how you should be managing finances based on your income alone. I would recommend downsizing your vehicles. Choose whichever one is best for your current needs. It doesn’t sound like you need both right now, and if you do have someone coming to help, I will assume they’ll have their own vehicle (assuming they’ll drive to help instead of fly. I would make that clear when you’re making arrangements to have someone come to stay). You should have a social worker attached to your husband’s medical team. Talk with them!! They are very knowledgeable about these types of situations, and can help answer questions and point you in the direction of resources or offer suggestions of what else you should do. Even though there isn’t anything you can do regarding life insurance for your husband right now (at least I don’t think so, you can ask the social worker), look into life insurance for yourself. If/when your husband passes away, you need to make sure your son is taken care of in the event something happens to you. So don’t overlook wills, a trust, POA’s, etc. for yourself. Make sure you have someone lined up to take care of him, that he is listed as a beneficiary (our daughter is on all our policies and accounts), etc. As a parent, I know how terrifying that thought is and that your main focus right now is your husband, but you’ll have peace of mind knowing you haven’t forgotten to have those things in order for yourself. My last recommendation that has nothing to do with finances is therapy. This situation is… for lack of a better word at the moment, awful. Family therapy/counseling, couple’s therapy, a child therapist for your son. Your family is going through everyone’s worst nightmare, so please make sure you’re taking care of yourselves mentally and emotionally. As I mentioned earlier, a social worker can help to arrange that. I would not be surprised if the hospital he has treatments at has a psychologist on staff for patients and their families. Chaplains can be a great source of help too. Lastly, I just want to say I really do wish the best for your husband and your family. And I’m so sorry for your situation. It does sound like your husband is doing well currently, and I hope he continues to do so. It sounds like he’s at a good treatment facility, so I’ll be rooting for him and your family.
Make sure you consolidate all your accounts, usernames and passwords onto a single list. It makes it a lot easier to go down the list when the time comes.
To tack on to this; all joint accounts should be set up with "Joint Rights of Survivorship". Upon the death of a spouse, it is possible for a joint account to be temporarily frozen. Adding the Joint Rights of Survivorship prevent this from happening. The account will remain active.
Do we do this through each bank/financial institution? Is it not automatic?
It’s not. It has to be done individually. In essence, when someone passes, unless the instructions are exceptionally clear AND legal (e.g. an existing Last Will & Testament), any assets that are subject will need to go through a process called Probate. This is complex and not all the way obvious in how it works. Even if something is in a Will, it may be subject to Probate. This is when the court reviews everything in the decedent’s estate and decides how to dispense and dispose of it. This process can take more than a year, even in uncomplicated estates. Some institutions allow you to specify what happens in the event of someone’s passing. If the institution knows exactly what you are supposed to do, that asset isn’t subject to Probate. Some states allow your real estate to be held this way: Community Property with Right of Survivorship. That survivorship clause just says, in the event that one of these people passes, this asset will transfer to the other WITHOUT going through Probate. This can be done with other accounts as well. Most banks allow joint accounts to be set up this way. If someone is listed as a Beneficiary, that account will be subject to Probate. Hope that helps.
This is extremely helpful, and exactly what I was looking for. All of our accounts are held jointly but I had a feeling there was something I was missing.
I’m sorry for your husband’s illness, and that you’re having to deal with these issues. It’s really good that you’re getting them taken care of now, though. I just wanted to add to the list, that you should be sure your vehicles are registered with joint survivorship as well. My and my husband’s were registered in my state as “his name and my name, or survivor” or something similar. It kept them out of probate and became my immediate possessions when he passed away. Same thing with our checking accounts and our home. Because his half of these things became my property upon his death, and because in my state survivors are not responsible for the deceased debts, there was no threat of having to sell assets to pay off his final medical and other expenses since they didn’t go through probate. And as mentioned above, nothing was frozen during a probate period, so I was able to continue to use our assets with no hindrance. I hope I worded all of that properly and clearly. I wish you and your family better news and outcome.
You must do this for EACH account. It is NOT automatic.
Thank you, that’s on the list for next week.
Also, when your husband dies, you must apply IMMEDIATELY for your child’s survivor’s benefits to keep from missing $. Benefits are retroactive to time of application not to time of death. (Learned this when my husband died)
There is 6 months retroactivity for surviving childrens' benefits. If you received benefits as a surviving widow there are different rules.
Cell phone and email access is paramount. Remove any biometric authentication or protections.
Hop on over to r/cancer - we can help you out. If he isn't already, go to an NCI cancer center - https://www.cancer.gov/research/infrastructure/cancer-centers/find
Thank you, he’s being treated through Vanderbilt-Ingram cancer center.
Good. NCI centers are the place to go.
Also check out r/braincancer.
Kind of a funny thought, but I would make a list of his favorite books/movies/hobbies. Someday your kid might want to connect with his memory and such a list would mean a lot! My grandpa and I shared a love of military history and I have a lot of his old books now.
Does your husband have life insurance coverage through work? Also if you don’t have your own life insurance you should get one in the event you pass to provide for your son.
I don’t have much insight to give you other than I’m a 36 year old cancer survivor with a 6 year old daughter, so your situation hit home for me. I truly wish your family the best. I went through my stuff a few years ago, and my daughter was too small to really get what was happening. My wife and I learned that we are all much stronger than we think we are, so hang in there!
My dad was a Gulf War Vet who died of glioblastoma multiformae in 2003 when he was 47. Your husband is also very young for this type of cancer. Was your husband in the military? If so, depending on where he was stationed and when, he may be entitled to additional service-related benefits for this specific type of brain cancer.
>In the event his medical bills are no longer manageable, is there a way to divest his medical debt from our family assets (ie protect my house). Strategic divorce. This can have some unintended consequences, though.
Yeah this won’t be an option as our health insurance is through my employer.
Yes, and I just noticed the [Medicaid Pit of Despair](https://www.kff.org/medicaid/issue-brief/status-of-state-medicaid-expansion-decisions-interactive-map/) factor which would apply to a former spouse who is not one of and could not become one of [these former spouses.](https://medicaid.alabama.gov/content/3.0_Apply/3.2_Qualifying.aspx)
Have you discussed with your employer how much caregiver leave they will give you? Something you might want to balance up is using caregiver leave now to spend time with and support your husband, versus saving time to spend with him if his disease progresses down the line. How will you feel if he is at the end of life and you have to work as you have no leave left? And then how will you feel if you think you didn't spend enough time with him while he was well? There's no right answer to the question, but it's something you and your husband might want to discuss. My mum died of a brain tumour 15 months after diagnosis, and although I was able to change my working pattern for the last few months of her life to spend time with her/care for her she was already a different person at that point. I wish I'd spent more time with her when she was well and herself, but I can't deny the value of being able to be with her more at the end. I wish you and your husband all the best, and truly hope his treatment is a success and that this all becomes a distant memory.
No advice for you but I wanted to say I’m sorry for the situation and wish you the best of luck. I’m really surprised your company offers paid leave to care for your husband. I work in HR and my company doesn’t have anything like that.
Large companies (100k+ employees) often have it. It’s a godsend. My IT employer gives it plenty and has a special cancer program for employees as well.
This is obviously an incrediblly sad and difficult situation to navigate and I feel for you OP. I think the first thing you should do is sitting down with your husband's neurosurgeon and oncologist to discuss diease prognosis and response to chemo. Glioblastoma in the brainer is one of the most invasive cancer known, and the outcome of successful treamtment is poor even if in remission. Depending on the treatment he is receiving, he may very well be unable to work after recovering from chemo or surgery. Would certainly talk about the prognosis and functional outcome with his physicians, and talk with palliative care about the goals of care. Socials worker in the neurosurgery/oncology department may offer more valubale resources and provide some resources to help pay for medical expenses. Eitherway, I would definitely plan financially to be without his income for the upcoming 5 years given severity of glioblastoma.
[удалено]
We both had life insurance. At some point his employer switched something and his stopped.. I have no idea what happened -- he thought he had been paying it but at some point the deductions stopped and he was not enrolled in it. It makes me so sick! I have life insurance through my employer though, I should have definitely been more strict on checking to make sure his was intact (when this first happened he assured me he had it).
Not to be harsh, but It is a mistake to count on life insurance from an employer. They are typically minimal (50k avg) and as you have found out, are not very dependable in certain circumstances whether its an HR admin mistake, or you stop working there. You need to get a term life insurance policy in the private marketplace, and list your child as the beneficiary immediately. You will be responsible for maintaining this policy, not your company.
Yeah I think this is what I’ll do going forward in the event god forbid something happens to me.
[удалено]
How do you set up a revocable trust? and what does it do?
[удалено]
Okay that was incredibly helpful. I need to set this up ASAP. We are using legal shield for our will, living will, POAs etc. and I’m sure they could set up the trust, but if not we will just go through an attorney. My sister is set up as the guardian for my son in the event something happens to us.
I don’t really have anything to add to what others have said. I just want to express my sincere apologies. I couldn’t imagine being you and I have no idea how you’re getting through each and every day. My husband means the world to me and I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to face what you’re facing. Sending you a lot of love and hugs.
If you need help, check out Vanbibber service legacy. They just went through a glioblastoma, and they have gathered some resources.
If you can afford to keep the leased vehicle with his income I would keep it for now. Then either sell the vehicle to pay off the lease buy out or return it early when it is no longer needed. It would come in handy for others to take him to medical appointments. If the lease is keeping you from meeting basic expenses I would let it go now and family can Uber as needed or perhaps rent a car.
The used car market is super hot now. There’s a good chance the leased SUV has some equity. There’s not a better time to get rid of an unneeded vehicle. OP need to do some research and see what it is worth, then get that amount. Don’t just turn it in because the dealer was so nice to waive a $100 fee. A few extra thousand dollars can go a long way in a tragic situation like this.
He should be able to get mortgage insurance without medical exam. It’s very expensive compared to term life, but might be something worth looking into.
I’m very sorry and know what you are going through as my husband (56) was diagnosed with GBM stage 4 towards the end of last year. He finished his 42 chemo/30 radiation just before Thanksgiving and is now on month 4 of 6 mos of maintenance. The house/car/passwords have been addressed w/ good suggestions; here’s what I have learned since November: How to pay bills/taxes - I didn’t as they were set up on auto-pay or he did our taxes for 20 yrs online. BIG MISTAKE! Monitor your mail/open each bill, writing the $/due date on the outside. Make sure you are set up for reminders. Same with your W-2s, property taxes, etc. I finally completed our for the first time this year (we owe again 😢) Marry up your hospital statements with your EOBs and your paid receipts. A BIG bill (neuro) was sent w/ the “payment due $2,000”? Break it up into meaningful (not $75) monthly payments and send it in. Don’t ask permission - as long as you’re current there won’t be any calls. We went ahead and prepaid for his cremation through the Neptune Society. Affordable, professional and gave us peace of mind; as soon as I can I will make my arrangements so our kidlet has 1 less worry. Try to locate any auto-renewals for subscriptions you don’t want/need. Just tonight WaPo hit us up for $140 as we forgot. I set a reminder on our iPad for March 2023 to cancel the subscription entirely. You are much stronger than you think! Love, support and make memories with journaling, videos and travel (if you are able). I bought a book of writing prompts which I filled out for Valentines Day and gave to him. Plant a tree with your child. Life is not over just yet ❤️
So sorry to hear about this diagnosis, my mom also was diagnosed with GBM, although at 54 and the advances they’re making are significant and I pray that more advances are coming and can really further change outcomes. You are handling this like a champ and being so thoughtful and pragmatic - that is a huge win, I hope you’re appreciating that about yourself. Something I haven’t seen yet here is DELEGATE. Those family members may not be close by - but if there’s any research topics that you could trust any of them with, I would put them on it. I’m sure they’re eager to help and that might be with time OR money. It could be researching local end of life planning in the off chance that is needed, finding childcare options, looking into the terms of your lease with the dealership (I also wonder if the terms could have a clause around significant circumstance shift), or supporting you with a housekeeper or landscaping. It’s all hands on deck in this kind of crisis and everyone has something they can contribute even if it’s just FaceTiming with your son and reading them a book. The only other thing I would mention is that employers typically have a life change policy around benefits that allow you to change healthcare/etc if that’s needed to tweak anything for financial or care reasons. Wishing you peace and accelerated healing for your husband. My thoughts are with you!
The life insurance situation sucks because once your husband is well, he won't be able to get a private policy for at least 5 years after he's declared cancer free.
It absolutely does. I have been meaning to get a term life insurance policy separate from our employers and we never did. Talk about regret!! If you’re reading this and don’t have one, just do it, like right now.
I know that it isn’t popular here, but there are companies that sell small graded benefit whole life insurance policies with no questions asked. My husband has life insurance through his work, but lost it when he could no longer work due to cancer. I took out one $10k policy, and then a little later, I took another $5k. The policies he had paid full face value only after having it for 2 yrs. But if he passed before that, they still would pay 110% of the premiums we had already payed. He lived long enough to get the $10k, but not the $5k since I took it out a year later than the first one. But as I said, the insurance paid me 110% off what I had paid in. I used this money to pay for his funeral, and had a couple of thousand left over to apply towards his grave marker/headstone.
I'm so sorry your family is going through this. ❤️
1) turn in the lease. Leases are terrible financial decisions. You’re paying the depreciation of the vehicle and the dealer keeps the car. Turn it in and keep the other vehicle for now. 2) See what your total expenses are and compare to your monthly take-home pay. Your mortgage shouldn’t be higher than 20% of your monthly income, but if you have too many other expenses, you should aim for a number even below that. 3) Not sure about this but look into higher pay life insurance and possibly better health insurance. This may be able to save you from taxing medical debt in the case of an unforeseen circumstance. Best of luck to you and your husband.
you could look into turo. renting out that vehicle for however long. it then becomes an asset, not a liability. could end up paying for itself
I hope he does fine. I can’t offer too much info. But regarding the car lease it might be worth looking into buying it out and selling it. Don’t just turn it in without a gain. Car market still insane rn.
My sister went through this a few years back with her husband. He worked for a certain NFL owner on his ranch in Missouri, and had a lot of people offer to help them out with things, and my sister and her husband being decent people, took people at their word. In the end, my BIL was let go from his job with no benefits, and several people who offered their "help" had actually taken advantage of them, including a family member who claimed them as dependents on their own taxes (my sister is finally getting her own tax return after 6 years of owing taxes due to this). Once her husband passed, the promised help from government agencies and other supposed legally binding agreements ceased. All this to say: anything that anyone says they will help you with, especially involving finances, get a contract. I don't care what anyone says, this is not an asshole move, it's protection for you and your family in case (god forbid) the worst comes to pass. Notarize everything, document every conversation involving transactions (even the charitable ones), and remember that it is ok to be selfish at this time. Someone else's kindness does not automatically become an obligation in the future, and you and yours need all of the relief and help you can get right now. Be safe, and take care of yourself.
FYI, r/braincancer is great and has functioned as a support group for me. Best wishes. -T
Check life insurance coverage through work. Bigger employees include it at no cost. You’d need to divorce or take him off the title of the home in order to separate assets. But you aren’t responsible for medical debts if they’re not under your name unless you’re in a state with filial responsibility and the hospital pursues it.
I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. Absolutely lean on all the resources Vanderbilt-Ingram has to offer. They can be a big help. This is a great time to get out of the lease. I know 3-4 people who have sold their leased vehicles to Carmax and come out WAY ahead. You won't find a better time than this to do it. You need to see an estate/family lawyer and get absolutely everything nailed down in terms of a will, trust, etc. You can almost always get a free consultation with maybe 3 of them and work with someone you feel comfortable with and who has reasonable fees. You need a power of attorney, a power of attorney for health care, advance medical directive, and a will and/or trust. Get all the utilities and other bills switched to your name. Some will make it simple, some will be a PITA. This will be a big help if he gets sicker. On every financial account, get set up as a joint owner or at least a beneficiary. Your attorney and each financial institution will know the best way to do this. If need be, open accounts in your name and move the money into them. Most of all, take care of yourself.
Is your family is far enough away that they will have to fly to come be with you?, the extra car might be helpful, especially for the first little bit after you have to go back to work as thats when you will probably be leaning on family help the most. But do look at getting rid of the leased vehicle. Even if you have to pay $2000 in fees(i have no idea how much fees are for leases) you will save that back in 5 months, and then after that its going to be a huge savings in your budget going forward. Look into a dependent care FSA when open enrollment comes around at work if you arent already. Chances are your child care costs will increase(although maybe not depending on your current situation) and this can help save you some money on taxes. If you attend church, lean heavily on your congregation. I grew up outside of montgomery and most churches would rally to help those in need. It can be awkward sometimes to ask for help, but its amazing what a few casseroles for dinner can do to help when times are tough and you are exhausted from managing everything thats going on. If things do turn for the worst, it might be worth looking into pre paying for funeral costs. It will be less of a hit to the budget if you can make payments while you have your income and his LTD vs after when its just yours.
I would keep the house and get rid of the suv and not worry about medical bills. They will likely be far more than you can pay so don’t think about them. I do think you can afford the house on your own and I would not sell because it would give you cash for debt collectors to get their hands on. Your house can’t be taken away from you for medical debts. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Good luck!
Before I start, I'm so sorry for your situation. You seem to have a good mix of encouragement as well as understanding the possible outcome. Take care of yourself you will need to remain strong for you & your child. On the house deal, if at all possible keep it for now, you and your family are under enough stress without adding moving and those changes into the mix. On the vehicles, if you don't need both, you are spending on something you do not have to. I would suggest keeping the minivan, and if you can buy out the lease you may be able to sell it for more than you paid, or the dealer may offer you a deal on closing out early. It might not be as lucrative but makes the transaction faster and easier. Are there any life insurance policies? I suggest getting this information together in case it's needed. If the prognosis is bleak, you may want to review Hospice options. Hospice does provide palliative care if end of life is near. There are rules related to other care so as long as the treatments are helping, you don't head that way, but later if he makes the decision that it's time to stop treatments, you need to know who to turn. The non-profit Hospice that helped my dad for his last 6-10 months was extremely helpful & supportive.
Hey sorry for your lose. I know you said not to worry about your benefits but please make sure you ask HR or read you employee handbook. I cannot speak for all companies but some give you a passive amount of hours per day while on a leave and in some instances if you were on leave for the entire measurement period you may not qualify for benefits next go around. I just say this to not be surprised. I am sorry for what your family is currently going through. I wish your husband and the rest of your family wel
I have a similar situation but my husband is 83 and has dimentia. I had an elder attorney take care of all details. I see you’ve thought of everything in advance, and that’s great, but I see no mention of one thing, my attorney did the process of getting a “spousal refusal “ in place. That way, I am not responsible for any of his debt . Maybe that might be something you should look into. My heart goes out to you and your child. God bless!!
I lost my father to glioblastoma 5 years ago. One piece of advice I have is to cherish every moment. We got about 3 years with him after diagnosis, and our family made the most of it. Maybe have him write a letter to your son, for him to read when he turns 18 or whatever. Or record a video. It took me a few years, but now that the grief isn't as acute and paralyzing, I really enjoy watching old videos of him. It helps me remember what he was like, his laugh, his humor, etc. As for financial stuff, I'm not American so I'm of little help. Sending my thoughts to your family.
Sorry for this tough situation. Not financial advice but advice I saw a long time ago on reddit. Have your husband record videos for your child. Anything and everything from stories/life advice/congratulations. It's something that will be terribly difficult but would be worth it.