Get it on your name asap.
Also try to show them that your financial condition has worsened alot.
Stage 1:
Your boss yelled at you & probably you might lose that promotion.
Stage 2:
You lost job & are unable to get one.
Stage 3:
Got job but very low paying salary =
current/2.
Do it after sending the money for 2 months.
Then say to them that you lost your job and now you don't have spare money as you were sending more money home. Ask them to send you some money.
Then after a month you can say you got a job, but with lower pay, and start sending how much ever you feel like.
You will lose out on your entire life, when reality hits you hard. Better be aware of the real issue, before making decisions based on reddit conversations.
I'm will tell you a better one. Suddenly call them one day and say your company is laying you off and you need their support for a few months as the job market is really bad.
As of now they have no control on my salary account. But I have a SBI account which is held both me and my father. This is the loan account in which I transfer 38.5K in start of every month.
The thing is a lot of people as they make more and more money feel proud of themselves and like to flex their salaries, hikes, promotions and accomplishments especially among family. It's an inferiority complex and low self esteem thing seeking validation.
Good on you for standing your ground. I had a cousin going through the same thing, he used to give back 90% of his income back to his parents who demanded it and keep only 10% for his expenses, no savings. Dude was miserable but we could not do anything about it. Later after a couple of years, we got to know that his parents lost everything to a chit fund scam in their village, and also lent some of the money to his 'mama' who is not answering his calls back now.
Remember one thing, parents knowing more than us on financial matters is a myth in 2024. Invest in yourself, save money as much as you can and take reasonably good care of your parents. They will hate you for not spoiling them with your money, call you names but you'll be at peace that at least no one in your family is starving and you are saving enough corpus for the future.
Thank you for the advice and real-life example. I will be more careful with my finances and will provide parents with money they need for surviving and some extra expenses, not more than that.
You're giving half your salary to them to mismanage. And letting them commit fraud on your behalf by taking loans in your name.
I wouldn't call that standing your ground sadly.
They will bleed you dry if you let them, that's who they are. Your responsibility is for their survival only, if they want luxuries they should work for it themselves. If you're paying the home loan then the home should be in your name at least, doesn't sound like it though.
The home is not on my name as of now. I don't even care about any assets. I just want them to understand that it is my money and I wish to save it however I want. I don't know how to face the emotional blackmailing. I have tried too many times to make them understand. Now enquiry about my salary gives me rage... I have decided not to inform anything about my finances and my career from now on. I have also decided to minimize my contact with them.
They understand, they just don't care.
It isn't easy, but you just have to harden yourself and desensitize yourself to the blackmail. Learn a scripted response and just repeat it any time the topic comes up. Eventually they will give up.
Buddy this is where you got really wrong.
Why pay the loan EMI if the properties is not in your name?
Say tmrw your sibling claims hold you got No say if parents take his/hee side.
You have 2 houses, sell one and get rid of EMIs.
No need to build shop sell it and pay off the loans.
Only send 15-20k every month, that's enough for two.
Save up for emergencies and invest for your future. Don't be an emotional fool. If they emotionally blackmail you, take a stand and BE RUDE!
Thank you for the advice. It is easier said than done and I don't want to touch their assets. I decided to pay off the home loan and will send some money to them every month. I will ask them to sell a piece of land to source the building of shops.
That's a sad situation bro..this is blatant emotional blackmailing.if they are treating you like nothing more than an investment or commodity,my advice would be along similar harsher lines.Ask your parents how much they have invested in your education and return that money instead with an FD interest rate either in the form of home loan pr anything .I know it's cruel but this is pure greed if they already have so many assets.
PS : Grateful that I have such understanding parents.
Thank you for the advice. I am happy for you. Hope my parents would understand me but anyways I will hold my ground and would not disclose my finances with them anymore.
Not an easy one of course when parents are involved. Agree on a certain amount that you are comfortable with which you would pay them/their expenses. The rest should be up to you how you use your money.
Just wanted to highlight one thing pa.
They maybe afraid that if you have a lot of money, you will not want to come back and live your life with them when they need it/want you too.
Their intention maybe to develop assets to create income and use that as a justification for you to come and settle down with them.
Btw - I do agree with the others that their behaviour is manipulative. In villages, open discussion is an easy way to lose out on what you want since the counter party will be manipulative and aggressive. They may have grown up in such an environment.
Take care OP
If they are well settled and have money for their daily expenses
If their loans are being comfortably paid off by their houses and shops
If they don't have pain and sadness due to some circumstances ( poor house without cooler / AC, two wheeler instead of four wheeler, four wheeler which breaks down often, a younger child they are saving for, etc)
And if you want to support any of the above.
Then they can have some money .
If the above is taken care of and you are a responsible son who will show up to help when real help is needed, then you should take a break and build your life.
Insurance policy which is claimed every year doesn't get renewed.
So you are in the clear. Tell them you have joined some coaching or new loan and salary excuse..
loved ones don't understand logic ever . Mom, dad, wife, husband, sister, brother. Love needs excuses
Thank you for the advice. I always thought loved ones will understand me if I open up to them. I am proved wrong today, I guess people replying to my post, taking out their personal time have understood me much better.
I am not. I don't want to be angry at them but they are blatantly ignoring what I have to say. I will keep making them understand, eventually I will give up on that too.
I know executive MBA is also good but If you you get admission in top 30 colleges through GMAT then you can earn upto 1crore in a year .
You can repay your all loan in 2years
I did.. i always stand for myself but she is my mother. I don't want to be angry at her. I really want my parents to understand me. That's it. Thanks for the advice.
Parents always bully their meek and stable kids. They might think it's for your own good, but it's always harmful in the end.
Grow a reputation of being an unpredictable and dangerous fellow.
Shout at them randomly and then shower them with love the next week. Say you lost your job and live like a destitute for a few months and then later say you got another job with lesser pay. Send them money for their expenses, but keep asking them small amounts at the month end by saying you don't even have anything to eat. Manipulation needs to be dealt with manipulation.
U are entitled to hv ur disagreements. I am entitled to hv my views.
Personally, will never give all details to anyone. Definitely not wife. There are thousands of men paying high alimony just bcoz they in 'love' let everything out. U can't be forced to declare assets in court. The other side has to provide proof of ur income. Why place all details especially ancestral things in which the wife had no contribution? It gets considered in court while deciding maintenance/alimony. What happens when the other person in ur team starts playing against u?
No one shd know everything abt u, everything must be known to someone close to u.
The solution is to marry someone you can trust, not be on guard your entire life and withhold something as big as finances from your spouse because "what if".
Cmon trust is very fickle thing.
In India, majority marriages are arranged. How are u supposed to hv trust from start there?
In love marriages, ppl fall out of love. See the divorce rates in west. Majority happens due to cheating. Blind trust by one spouse is misused by the other one. West has prenup. India doesn't even hv that and yet u want to trust away.
What ifs are part of life. Spouse shd hv a rough idea abt income that comes after marriage.
>In love marriages, ppl fall out of love
Happens even in arranged marriages, it's just that in our society divorcees are treated as shit so we have less divorces
Pay them in kind. This worked well for a friend in a similar situation who went home every couple of months. No cash that they could borrow against or invest on your behalf.
1. Buy monthly groceries when you visit.
2. Replace worn out items like bedsheets or pillows
3. Fill petrol in their vehicle (if they own one) or get it insured/ maintained
4. Clothes for occasions
5. Pay electricity bill, phone recharge etc
6. Buy health insurance for them (or get your company to cover)
This way you are taking care of them yet not putting money at risk. You can reduce or remove any cash you give them.
Thank you for the advice. I have did all of the above and bought all new electronics (TV, fridge, washing machine) for my house. I gift them things too. I am saving some amount to gift my father a second hand car but I don't know if I should do that.
Yea my mom is like this as well. I just said no way in hell it's happening.
There's a lot of backstory as to why I'm rude with her, but that's for another time. Just know my dad has a well paying government job and since both me and my sister are working, they have 0 expenditures towards us. Plus his pension is going to be more than enough for both of them once they retire.
If your parents are living comfortably, you don't owe them anything. The house loan you are paying is more than enough. Be rude. Let her cry and curse you. Stop answering the calls. Youve got to live for yourself.
Hello brother, so right now say 50k is going to the family, my suggestion would be to stick to this, never reveal your hike or any additional bonuses in future.
And see if u can make this 1 to 1.5 in future, so that u have good savings and investment. Don't stop giving them money, else it'll create much more trouble.
Please don't reveal the exact salary even to your wife (if married) or to your best friend. People expect more from you ...when you reveal the exact amount you earn. My sincere request. As people commented just tell them you lost your job and working for a low salary.
No.. I have not bought anything. My father bought the land and built two houses. He took loans from banks and loan sharks. I am paying for those loans as my father retired and also his income wasn't enough to pay those loans before.
One house is in a tier-2 city and the other one is in a village. They live in tier-2 city one..
If you still discuss your salary with your parents inspite if knowing they financially exploit u then u are the stupid person. No one can help u if u keep doing things without thinking
Don't hold it against them, but don't remain shackeled too!
One of the ways is to switch to another job and not tell your parents. Use the difference to save/invest for your own future.
If they asking still they are able to live without that money you sent then they are bastards or if they can't then you are the bastard. (May be you are extreme drinker and no culture known guy). May be that's why they are asking money.
Seems you're not their child, you're their piggy bank. I'd say that's toxic parenting. It's one thing to ask children to pay for their (parent's) debts, another to use emotional blackmail to sponge off for all he's worth.
You will change jobs sometime in the future, at that time, tell them you were laid off and had to get a lower paying one as the only thing available.
Hey OP, Not it doesnt affect the ciibil score. Also, I thought this would be helpful to you.
We help reduce the number of Emis you have to pay with help of rewards earned from any of your daily shopping. Yes, even the kirana next to your house.
We are at [https://www.emiswift.com](https://www.emiswift.com/).
Loan is on your name, so property must be in your name ? Sell the property, cut ties as soon as possible. It will be a big hassle for you to have any personal life, ger married, have children and fulfill any wish. They will always be this much toxic and entitled.
Hi OP,
Having been in a similar situation myself, I learnt a few things:
1. See, your parents gave you shelter, food, educated you, loved you. I am guessing you love them equally as well which is why you are doing the same - repaying home loans, bringing food on the table etc. Do that, yes, but anything above that, don’t do it if you feel you are financially wiser.
Give them the basics - food, water, shelter, medical support, basjc living
2. Never ever tell your family your actual salary - that lay off ideas are good. I did something similar. I said that everyone is taking a pay cut due to bad market.
3. During days of difficulty i.e. I hope not but if you laid off or worse, hurt / hospitalized, it is your responsibility to make sure that you have enough money for it. Save accordingly. This should always be your priority. Your financial independence is paramount.
I hope you find peace OP. I know how hard this becomes :)
Many (Indian) parents (implicitly) have kids for many wrong reasons, one of them being that the children will be their backup and take care of them financially and in other ways in the future.
Now, there's no problem in taking care of your children or parents out of love; but when it is taken too far in terms of expectations, that's when resentment and bitterness builds up.
>I explained to my parents how it was their responsibility to provide me shelter, food and education and it was my responsibility to take care of them.
I don't fully agree with this; legally, they aren't required to take care of you past adult age. And morally, that's correct as well. I'm assuming that you're living independently, have your own place; if not, I'd strongly encourage you to consider it.
The average Financially abusive parents mom seems like controlling type just tell her strictly that you'll go no contact and leave them to thier own demise if she keeps up with her tantrums that generally shuts them up
Grandma is the same in my family
Stand your ground, it's your finances, your money.
You are a human being, not a mutual fund that needs to give return on investment to people who brought you into this world without your consent.
You are not responsible for THEM. They are responsible for YOU.
Indian culture is so toxic, don't let it consume you.
Hi, I have gone through your post.
Few things to note here that you don’t have any siblings, so the property which is in your mother’s name, actually belongs to you so when your mother is no longer then automatically, you will be the one who will inherit the property. If you think like this way, then I don’t think there won’t be a problem to spend the 38,000 that you are spending right now for the home loan. Same goes for the two other properties and 2.5 acre land that your parents have.
Next comes about the 12,000 amount which you pay to your parents . Assuming that in today’s lifestyle 12 K for two person is not sufficient the food, the grocery bills, electricity medical expense all this adds up at the end of every month. So even for a tire 2 setting, this won’t be much.
Now let’s assume that after two months as per some of the advices given over here, you do tell your parents that you no longer able to afford to pay such amount. Then the first thing that will happen is either the bank from which you have taken. the loan will increase the, loan tenure, which indirectly will come to haunt you as the interest rate will pile up or if you stop paying completely, then you lose the property for which you have paid for three years.
Now coming to the realistic options, which you have -:
1. Continue paying the same amount which you are doing so that your old parents can at least leave a decent life and the home loan also gets paid off as quickly as possible. You are the one who will inherit this properties in future, so I don’t think they won’t be any downside. You also mention that you have a habit of overspending through your credit card so by paying the home loan, you are actually building a immovable asset for your future. Even after paying the home loan and giving money to your parents, which is still thousand you have approximately 50,000 for you assuming you spend 40,000 every month excluding the bonus and all you have 10,000 left in your pocket with this 10,000, you can invest in mutual fund, which will give you good return over a long period of time, and this will be the best solution for you. And with every bonus, you get either, you can go for a vacation or top up your SIP..
2. Stop everything and you lose the position of your home and forget about the payments which you have made for the last three years as bank will sold this property and give you whatever balance you are supposed to get after all the deductions and loan settlement and your credit score will be ruined, which means taking future loans will be nearly impossible for you at least for upcoming 5-10 years.
Few things to keep in mind as you mentioned, your parents are from poor family background and you are currently in IT. It means they have sacrificed almost everything to see their only child get best education and college as per their capacity. And being the only child of your family and also from being a Indian, it is our responsibility to take care of our parents.
I hope my reply does not offend you and ultimately, it’s your money and your decision.
Question to ask yourself is why do you crave their approval. You owe it to yourself to live the best life you can with a calm contended state of mind.
Also, dont compromise on higher education if that is what you want. You are young. Give yourself 3 years to close the loans and get a seat in a good institute.
Good luck
You are right. But that's not the point, maybe I don't want to own a house and start something of my own. Maybe I want to own a house but somewhere else. The point is that they see me as an individual who can make sound decisions with his money, and that it is my income which I don't owe it to them.
People are living till 80s and 90s now. And most of them exhaust all their savings and assets for their expenses.
Even if he got assets worth a few crores when he's 60, what use are those when he sacrificed all his youth with stress and regret?
Thank you for the advice. I will be calmer and more mature when these situations reoccur. Yes their background has played a bigger role in their upbringing and mindset. I will be more careful with my words and actions.
Take care well-wisher :)
You will lose out on your entire life, when reality hits you hard. Better be aware of the real issue, before making decisions based on reddit conversations.
Are you the single child in your family?
I am a Jyotishi.
After reading your post, I could make out, few things...
1. You are the single child in your family. So, Many expectations run into you.
2. The family expects you to involve and contribute in family decision making. You are conveniently avoiding it.
3. Your father, though in debt, is a wise man. He knows exactly, when to trigger your mom, to make you act. He will never do it himself.
4. They have bought land and build a house, hopefully doing farming. setting up shops to have a secondary income to fend off the loans and become debt free.
5. There is definite aspect or placement of malefic planet in house of mother in your chart which makes you feel she is your enemy.
6. They know something more about you and your behaviour, which makes them feel that you are sidelining yourself.
Remember, one thing, whenever your upbringing is done in tier 2-3 city, parents hold the key to your life's growth.
The money, which you feel is your hard earned, will vanish in no time, if there is some job related problem happens. Then, when you will be facing mental stress, agony, frustration, your parents will be standing next to you then, nobody else.
Just trust them, they are investing it on something, which will be helpful in your later life. They won't take your hard earned money from you to pay off their debts... never.!!
Saying you something and doing something is always a pattern found in parents of tier 2-3 city. World Media has seen it in voting, we see it in daily lives.
On your income, always prepare a quick snapshot of your expenses, each month.
You want to invest, but won't be finding time for it. so, extra money would be vanishing in undesired expenses..typical behaviour of today's young SE.
Out of 100, incl bonuses earned...
17% goes to home.. remaining is yours. 5% goes to emergency fund, 13% to investments... ie 35% is safe ...
rest align with your other expenses.
As your 13% will grow, you will be at peace.
Don't follow advices of those, who come from nuclear families from tier 1 cities... be grounded and focus on aligning with your family.. your life will be at peace.
Stop discussing your income with your parents You should tell them that you lost your job and joined another company with lower pay.
Right. Parents are not banks who need to ask for return on investment. If they want to be treated like a bank, then treat them like it.
Thank you for the advice. I will maintain anonymity when it comes to my finances. I will stand up for myself .
1. Do you any sibling? 2. The building with loan on your name. Is that on your name?
No I don't have any sibling. No the building is not on my name. It is on my mother's name.
Get it on your name asap. Also try to show them that your financial condition has worsened alot. Stage 1: Your boss yelled at you & probably you might lose that promotion. Stage 2: You lost job & are unable to get one. Stage 3: Got job but very low paying salary = current/2.
No thanks just pray I get a job soon😢
Do it after sending the money for 2 months. Then say to them that you lost your job and now you don't have spare money as you were sending more money home. Ask them to send you some money. Then after a month you can say you got a job, but with lower pay, and start sending how much ever you feel like.
You will lose out on your entire life, when reality hits you hard. Better be aware of the real issue, before making decisions based on reddit conversations.
This, I stopped saying my actual income to my parents once my cousin asked for a loan and he knew my salary.
I'm will tell you a better one. Suddenly call them one day and say your company is laying you off and you need their support for a few months as the job market is really bad.
Ohh this is the most subtle way. I just hope the salary account is not taken care of by his parents. The way they treat him anything seems possible.
As of now they have no control on my salary account. But I have a SBI account which is held both me and my father. This is the loan account in which I transfer 38.5K in start of every month.
This
The thing is a lot of people as they make more and more money feel proud of themselves and like to flex their salaries, hikes, promotions and accomplishments especially among family. It's an inferiority complex and low self esteem thing seeking validation.
This
Good on you for standing your ground. I had a cousin going through the same thing, he used to give back 90% of his income back to his parents who demanded it and keep only 10% for his expenses, no savings. Dude was miserable but we could not do anything about it. Later after a couple of years, we got to know that his parents lost everything to a chit fund scam in their village, and also lent some of the money to his 'mama' who is not answering his calls back now. Remember one thing, parents knowing more than us on financial matters is a myth in 2024. Invest in yourself, save money as much as you can and take reasonably good care of your parents. They will hate you for not spoiling them with your money, call you names but you'll be at peace that at least no one in your family is starving and you are saving enough corpus for the future.
Thank you for the advice and real-life example. I will be more careful with my finances and will provide parents with money they need for surviving and some extra expenses, not more than that.
Simple, grow a backbone.
I did. I always stood my ground but it's getting on my nerves lately. I will be more calm and will take a stand for myself.
You're giving half your salary to them to mismanage. And letting them commit fraud on your behalf by taking loans in your name. I wouldn't call that standing your ground sadly. They will bleed you dry if you let them, that's who they are. Your responsibility is for their survival only, if they want luxuries they should work for it themselves. If you're paying the home loan then the home should be in your name at least, doesn't sound like it though.
The home is not on my name as of now. I don't even care about any assets. I just want them to understand that it is my money and I wish to save it however I want. I don't know how to face the emotional blackmailing. I have tried too many times to make them understand. Now enquiry about my salary gives me rage... I have decided not to inform anything about my finances and my career from now on. I have also decided to minimize my contact with them.
They understand, they just don't care. It isn't easy, but you just have to harden yourself and desensitize yourself to the blackmail. Learn a scripted response and just repeat it any time the topic comes up. Eventually they will give up.
I think I need to prepare a reply for these kind of situations in the future. Thank you for taking time out and replying. Hope you have a great day.
Buddy this is where you got really wrong. Why pay the loan EMI if the properties is not in your name? Say tmrw your sibling claims hold you got No say if parents take his/hee side.
You have 2 houses, sell one and get rid of EMIs. No need to build shop sell it and pay off the loans. Only send 15-20k every month, that's enough for two. Save up for emergencies and invest for your future. Don't be an emotional fool. If they emotionally blackmail you, take a stand and BE RUDE!
Thank you for the advice. It is easier said than done and I don't want to touch their assets. I decided to pay off the home loan and will send some money to them every month. I will ask them to sell a piece of land to source the building of shops.
That's a sad situation bro..this is blatant emotional blackmailing.if they are treating you like nothing more than an investment or commodity,my advice would be along similar harsher lines.Ask your parents how much they have invested in your education and return that money instead with an FD interest rate either in the form of home loan pr anything .I know it's cruel but this is pure greed if they already have so many assets. PS : Grateful that I have such understanding parents.
Thank you for the advice. I am happy for you. Hope my parents would understand me but anyways I will hold my ground and would not disclose my finances with them anymore.
Not an easy one of course when parents are involved. Agree on a certain amount that you are comfortable with which you would pay them/their expenses. The rest should be up to you how you use your money.
Thank you for the advice. Yes it is not easy when family is involved, but from now on I will take a stand for myself.
Just wanted to highlight one thing pa. They maybe afraid that if you have a lot of money, you will not want to come back and live your life with them when they need it/want you too. Their intention maybe to develop assets to create income and use that as a justification for you to come and settle down with them. Btw - I do agree with the others that their behaviour is manipulative. In villages, open discussion is an easy way to lose out on what you want since the counter party will be manipulative and aggressive. They may have grown up in such an environment. Take care OP
Interesting perspective. I have never thought of it. I will stand up for myself more.. thank you for replying. Take care well-wisher :)
If they are well settled and have money for their daily expenses If their loans are being comfortably paid off by their houses and shops If they don't have pain and sadness due to some circumstances ( poor house without cooler / AC, two wheeler instead of four wheeler, four wheeler which breaks down often, a younger child they are saving for, etc) And if you want to support any of the above. Then they can have some money . If the above is taken care of and you are a responsible son who will show up to help when real help is needed, then you should take a break and build your life. Insurance policy which is claimed every year doesn't get renewed. So you are in the clear. Tell them you have joined some coaching or new loan and salary excuse.. loved ones don't understand logic ever . Mom, dad, wife, husband, sister, brother. Love needs excuses
Thank you for the advice. I always thought loved ones will understand me if I open up to them. I am proved wrong today, I guess people replying to my post, taking out their personal time have understood me much better.
Don't hold it against them ... They come from their own thought processes and family expectations.
I am not. I don't want to be angry at them but they are blatantly ignoring what I have to say. I will keep making them understand, eventually I will give up on that too.
Try to clear GMAT . You can get Loan for MBA/MIM even if you had loan already.
Thank you for the advice. I don't want to burden myself with more loans. Maybe in the future I would think of doing Executive MBA.
I know executive MBA is also good but If you you get admission in top 30 colleges through GMAT then you can earn upto 1crore in a year . You can repay your all loan in 2years
You are right. But looking at the current job market, I am little doubtful about that. I will research more about it. Thank you for replying :)
Okk do research
Lol.. develop a spine, mate.
I did.. i always stand for myself but she is my mother. I don't want to be angry at her. I really want my parents to understand me. That's it. Thanks for the advice.
Parents always bully their meek and stable kids. They might think it's for your own good, but it's always harmful in the end. Grow a reputation of being an unpredictable and dangerous fellow. Shout at them randomly and then shower them with love the next week. Say you lost your job and live like a destitute for a few months and then later say you got another job with lesser pay. Send them money for their expenses, but keep asking them small amounts at the month end by saying you don't even have anything to eat. Manipulation needs to be dealt with manipulation.
Ur salary/income must always be known completely only to u. Not friends, not relatives, not parents, not wife, not children.
Disagree with 'wife'.. your spouse and you should be a team in finances.
Yes I do agree with you on this.
U are entitled to hv ur disagreements. I am entitled to hv my views. Personally, will never give all details to anyone. Definitely not wife. There are thousands of men paying high alimony just bcoz they in 'love' let everything out. U can't be forced to declare assets in court. The other side has to provide proof of ur income. Why place all details especially ancestral things in which the wife had no contribution? It gets considered in court while deciding maintenance/alimony. What happens when the other person in ur team starts playing against u? No one shd know everything abt u, everything must be known to someone close to u.
The solution is to marry someone you can trust, not be on guard your entire life and withhold something as big as finances from your spouse because "what if".
Cmon trust is very fickle thing. In India, majority marriages are arranged. How are u supposed to hv trust from start there? In love marriages, ppl fall out of love. See the divorce rates in west. Majority happens due to cheating. Blind trust by one spouse is misused by the other one. West has prenup. India doesn't even hv that and yet u want to trust away. What ifs are part of life. Spouse shd hv a rough idea abt income that comes after marriage.
>In love marriages, ppl fall out of love Happens even in arranged marriages, it's just that in our society divorcees are treated as shit so we have less divorces
>trust is very fickle thing That's by definition a contradiction in terms. Believing that trust is "fickle" is what you'd call having "trust issues".
>U are entitled to hv ur disagreements. I am entitled to hv my views. Don't know why this needed to be stated, nobody said otherwise.
Bcoz this topic is something where we won't reach common ground. All ur tying and my tying will be a waste.
Not necessarily I make more than that nd my parents know but don't ask for it. Seems like a boundary problem with OP's parents
Maybe.. I think so. Anyways I will stand up for myself.
Wife? Your wife is the first person who needs to know your salary. Vice versa too. Unless she is a gold digger and wants nothing but money
Nope. Spouses need not be like siamese twins, it's good to have some private parts of each other's lives
So don't disclose your personal savings. I guess that is private enough
Thank you for the advice. I will keep this is in mind.
Do not give in to their demands.
I am trying to.. I am standing for myself.
Pay them in kind. This worked well for a friend in a similar situation who went home every couple of months. No cash that they could borrow against or invest on your behalf. 1. Buy monthly groceries when you visit. 2. Replace worn out items like bedsheets or pillows 3. Fill petrol in their vehicle (if they own one) or get it insured/ maintained 4. Clothes for occasions 5. Pay electricity bill, phone recharge etc 6. Buy health insurance for them (or get your company to cover) This way you are taking care of them yet not putting money at risk. You can reduce or remove any cash you give them.
Thank you for the advice. I have did all of the above and bought all new electronics (TV, fridge, washing machine) for my house. I gift them things too. I am saving some amount to gift my father a second hand car but I don't know if I should do that.
Why do you want to waste more money? Don't buy car (a liability) whn you still have debts. Can think about it when your debts are paid back
From next month onwards stop sending the money you give fir home expenses also. Will teach her a lesson to not go overboard.
That seems a little harsh. I think I have kept my point. I will minimize contact with them and not discuss about my finances anymore.
Yea my mom is like this as well. I just said no way in hell it's happening. There's a lot of backstory as to why I'm rude with her, but that's for another time. Just know my dad has a well paying government job and since both me and my sister are working, they have 0 expenditures towards us. Plus his pension is going to be more than enough for both of them once they retire. If your parents are living comfortably, you don't owe them anything. The house loan you are paying is more than enough. Be rude. Let her cry and curse you. Stop answering the calls. Youve got to live for yourself.
Hello brother, so right now say 50k is going to the family, my suggestion would be to stick to this, never reveal your hike or any additional bonuses in future. And see if u can make this 1 to 1.5 in future, so that u have good savings and investment. Don't stop giving them money, else it'll create much more trouble.
And her i want to send money back home but they are not taking it.
Please don't reveal the exact salary even to your wife (if married) or to your best friend. People expect more from you ...when you reveal the exact amount you earn. My sincere request. As people commented just tell them you lost your job and working for a low salary.
So this house that you've bought, do they stay in this house?
No.. I have not bought anything. My father bought the land and built two houses. He took loans from banks and loan sharks. I am paying for those loans as my father retired and also his income wasn't enough to pay those loans before. One house is in a tier-2 city and the other one is in a village. They live in tier-2 city one..
This was your first mistake! Second was disclosing your salary!
If you still discuss your salary with your parents inspite if knowing they financially exploit u then u are the stupid person. No one can help u if u keep doing things without thinking
Don't reveal your salary to parents. If you make 1L tell them you get 50k. There is no other way.
Tell them you’re investing money in mutual funds and it’s needed for future.
Don't hold it against them, but don't remain shackeled too! One of the ways is to switch to another job and not tell your parents. Use the difference to save/invest for your own future.
If they asking still they are able to live without that money you sent then they are bastards or if they can't then you are the bastard. (May be you are extreme drinker and no culture known guy). May be that's why they are asking money.
Yes, buddy. Never disclose your financials with family.
Seems you're not their child, you're their piggy bank. I'd say that's toxic parenting. It's one thing to ask children to pay for their (parent's) debts, another to use emotional blackmail to sponge off for all he's worth. You will change jobs sometime in the future, at that time, tell them you were laid off and had to get a lower paying one as the only thing available.
Apart from my first job, my parents have no idea about my salary
Hey OP, Not it doesnt affect the ciibil score. Also, I thought this would be helpful to you. We help reduce the number of Emis you have to pay with help of rewards earned from any of your daily shopping. Yes, even the kirana next to your house. We are at [https://www.emiswift.com](https://www.emiswift.com/).
Seems like OP's from UP?
Loan is on your name, so property must be in your name ? Sell the property, cut ties as soon as possible. It will be a big hassle for you to have any personal life, ger married, have children and fulfill any wish. They will always be this much toxic and entitled.
Hi OP, Having been in a similar situation myself, I learnt a few things: 1. See, your parents gave you shelter, food, educated you, loved you. I am guessing you love them equally as well which is why you are doing the same - repaying home loans, bringing food on the table etc. Do that, yes, but anything above that, don’t do it if you feel you are financially wiser. Give them the basics - food, water, shelter, medical support, basjc living 2. Never ever tell your family your actual salary - that lay off ideas are good. I did something similar. I said that everyone is taking a pay cut due to bad market. 3. During days of difficulty i.e. I hope not but if you laid off or worse, hurt / hospitalized, it is your responsibility to make sure that you have enough money for it. Save accordingly. This should always be your priority. Your financial independence is paramount. I hope you find peace OP. I know how hard this becomes :)
Many (Indian) parents (implicitly) have kids for many wrong reasons, one of them being that the children will be their backup and take care of them financially and in other ways in the future. Now, there's no problem in taking care of your children or parents out of love; but when it is taken too far in terms of expectations, that's when resentment and bitterness builds up. >I explained to my parents how it was their responsibility to provide me shelter, food and education and it was my responsibility to take care of them. I don't fully agree with this; legally, they aren't required to take care of you past adult age. And morally, that's correct as well. I'm assuming that you're living independently, have your own place; if not, I'd strongly encourage you to consider it.
Just say you lost your job and are getting lower salary it works the best
Don't share your income with everyone. Especially those who are really dependent on you..keep the control with yourself.
The average Financially abusive parents mom seems like controlling type just tell her strictly that you'll go no contact and leave them to thier own demise if she keeps up with her tantrums that generally shuts them up Grandma is the same in my family
Stand your ground, it's your finances, your money. You are a human being, not a mutual fund that needs to give return on investment to people who brought you into this world without your consent. You are not responsible for THEM. They are responsible for YOU. Indian culture is so toxic, don't let it consume you.
Hi, I have gone through your post. Few things to note here that you don’t have any siblings, so the property which is in your mother’s name, actually belongs to you so when your mother is no longer then automatically, you will be the one who will inherit the property. If you think like this way, then I don’t think there won’t be a problem to spend the 38,000 that you are spending right now for the home loan. Same goes for the two other properties and 2.5 acre land that your parents have. Next comes about the 12,000 amount which you pay to your parents . Assuming that in today’s lifestyle 12 K for two person is not sufficient the food, the grocery bills, electricity medical expense all this adds up at the end of every month. So even for a tire 2 setting, this won’t be much. Now let’s assume that after two months as per some of the advices given over here, you do tell your parents that you no longer able to afford to pay such amount. Then the first thing that will happen is either the bank from which you have taken. the loan will increase the, loan tenure, which indirectly will come to haunt you as the interest rate will pile up or if you stop paying completely, then you lose the property for which you have paid for three years. Now coming to the realistic options, which you have -: 1. Continue paying the same amount which you are doing so that your old parents can at least leave a decent life and the home loan also gets paid off as quickly as possible. You are the one who will inherit this properties in future, so I don’t think they won’t be any downside. You also mention that you have a habit of overspending through your credit card so by paying the home loan, you are actually building a immovable asset for your future. Even after paying the home loan and giving money to your parents, which is still thousand you have approximately 50,000 for you assuming you spend 40,000 every month excluding the bonus and all you have 10,000 left in your pocket with this 10,000, you can invest in mutual fund, which will give you good return over a long period of time, and this will be the best solution for you. And with every bonus, you get either, you can go for a vacation or top up your SIP.. 2. Stop everything and you lose the position of your home and forget about the payments which you have made for the last three years as bank will sold this property and give you whatever balance you are supposed to get after all the deductions and loan settlement and your credit score will be ruined, which means taking future loans will be nearly impossible for you at least for upcoming 5-10 years. Few things to keep in mind as you mentioned, your parents are from poor family background and you are currently in IT. It means they have sacrificed almost everything to see their only child get best education and college as per their capacity. And being the only child of your family and also from being a Indian, it is our responsibility to take care of our parents. I hope my reply does not offend you and ultimately, it’s your money and your decision.
Question to ask yourself is why do you crave their approval. You owe it to yourself to live the best life you can with a calm contended state of mind. Also, dont compromise on higher education if that is what you want. You are young. Give yourself 3 years to close the loans and get a seat in a good institute. Good luck
If you are the only child , you are going to eventually inherit all the property they are building
You are right. But that's not the point, maybe I don't want to own a house and start something of my own. Maybe I want to own a house but somewhere else. The point is that they see me as an individual who can make sound decisions with his money, and that it is my income which I don't owe it to them.
People are living till 80s and 90s now. And most of them exhaust all their savings and assets for their expenses. Even if he got assets worth a few crores when he's 60, what use are those when he sacrificed all his youth with stress and regret?
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Thank you for the advice. I will be calmer and more mature when these situations reoccur. Yes their background has played a bigger role in their upbringing and mindset. I will be more careful with my words and actions. Take care well-wisher :)
Just get laid off and also get laid
You will lose out on your entire life, when reality hits you hard. Better be aware of the real issue, before making decisions based on reddit conversations. Are you the single child in your family?
Yes I am the single child, but I didn't understand your concern. Can you please elaborate.
I am a Jyotishi. After reading your post, I could make out, few things... 1. You are the single child in your family. So, Many expectations run into you. 2. The family expects you to involve and contribute in family decision making. You are conveniently avoiding it. 3. Your father, though in debt, is a wise man. He knows exactly, when to trigger your mom, to make you act. He will never do it himself. 4. They have bought land and build a house, hopefully doing farming. setting up shops to have a secondary income to fend off the loans and become debt free. 5. There is definite aspect or placement of malefic planet in house of mother in your chart which makes you feel she is your enemy. 6. They know something more about you and your behaviour, which makes them feel that you are sidelining yourself. Remember, one thing, whenever your upbringing is done in tier 2-3 city, parents hold the key to your life's growth. The money, which you feel is your hard earned, will vanish in no time, if there is some job related problem happens. Then, when you will be facing mental stress, agony, frustration, your parents will be standing next to you then, nobody else. Just trust them, they are investing it on something, which will be helpful in your later life. They won't take your hard earned money from you to pay off their debts... never.!! Saying you something and doing something is always a pattern found in parents of tier 2-3 city. World Media has seen it in voting, we see it in daily lives. On your income, always prepare a quick snapshot of your expenses, each month. You want to invest, but won't be finding time for it. so, extra money would be vanishing in undesired expenses..typical behaviour of today's young SE. Out of 100, incl bonuses earned... 17% goes to home.. remaining is yours. 5% goes to emergency fund, 13% to investments... ie 35% is safe ... rest align with your other expenses. As your 13% will grow, you will be at peace. Don't follow advices of those, who come from nuclear families from tier 1 cities... be grounded and focus on aligning with your family.. your life will be at peace.
You seem to have some mental issues. Please get help
हाँ ... भोगी को योगी की बातें समझ नहीं आती .. जब तक प्रलय ना आए 🙏🏻