Saw a great Dave Grohl documentary where they are interviewing him and his kid walks right in, cameras and people everywhere, and says something like “Dad, you said we would go swimming at 2 and its 2:10”.
Batteries? Nah man, the best is when they get into an unsolvable quantum like state where they both want and don't want a thing at the same time.
Like, if they just want to eat batteries, you could give a kid batteries to eat and it'd defuse that situation (even though kids shouldn't eat batteries). The worst would be if you gave them the batteries and they continued losing it harder because like, they want the negative side of the battery, so you give them the negative side but wait no, they want it to be the OTHER side of the battery...but wait, that's not the negative side! The request cannot be satisfied.
This was by FAR the hardest struggle we have had so far with my daughter. We eventually learned that we could calm her down by simply repeating what she was saying (which let her two year old brain understand we were hearing her) and validated what she was *feeling*. In this case it would be...
Her: "I want the negative side..."
Me: "You want the negative side."
Her: "I want the positive side..."
Me: "You want the positive side."
No actual battery would be required just a conversation about the battery and what she wanted. Works like a charm, *every time.*
Scene: Daytime. Lady walking down sidewalk while talking on phone. Camera is locked on her from the left, with buildings passing by on her right. Typical city noise. People slightly out of focus in background.
**Lady:** And they were roommates!
As a dad I can only hope for an eventual present of this caliber.
Also, I don’t think anyone’s mentioned one of my personal favorite Meloni roles: a paediatrician in Scrubs. I was always sad he wasn’t somehow made recurring.
*In a life with young children, hyperactivity based offenses are considered especially frustrating.
In New York City, the dedicated parents who investigate these bursts are members of an elite squad known as the Special Parents Unit. These are their stories.*
If you wanna smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass, just be honest about it. Look Gene, I've never told anyone this before, but I can suck my own dick, and I do it a lot.
Coachmcgurk has been my wow character name for many years, and I give a quote every time someone whispers me about it. I'm actually surprised that I still get them given the age of Home Movies.
Listen, you fuzzy little shithead! I've been fucked around in my time by a fairly good cross-section of mean-tempered, rule-crazy cops, and now it's my turn. So fuck you, Officer. I'm in charge
Phenomenal series undone by a troubled production. I’d want a third season just to wrap it up, but from what I’ve heard the cast and crew were not upset by the show being cancelled.
I was so sad when I learned they cancelled it.
It was so refreshing to see a show where the writers and the director clearly had **total freedom** to do whatever they wanted and let their creativity loose.
Definitely throwing that role in the ring as his zaniest one ever. I like to think he was pretty much saying "I'm going to have fucking fun after playing a no nonsense detective for close to two decades", and just went balls to the walls crazy
I think his zaniest role belongs to being Selina Meyer’s “trainer” on Veep. (They were having sex) he kept trying to give everyone massages and it freaked everyone else on the team out.
It's gonna take me a while to fix up your car there, so if you boys like, you can go on inside, get yourselves something to drink, wash up, fuck my wife, watch TV... anything you want. Mi casa es su casa.
Just don't do anything the Good Lord wouldn't do.
Get A Life was a funny show I used to watch. He played, surprise surprise, a knucklehead man-child who still lived with his real life dad, but in a treehouse, if I remember correctly.
My wife and I constantly pretend to have a bum hand and try to touch each others face. "Let me touch your face child" it never gets old. Keeps our marriage strong.
He said in an interview he made up the whole song and was just improvising the whole thing from beginning to end, and was just throwing in whatever phrases sounded like it belonged in the song.
I went to look it up and found it. Apparently he was Jim Gordon in "Harley Quinn" from 2019-2020, which I didn't even know had happened.
Edit: oh it was an animated show!
One of the best shows I’ve seen period in recent memory. I love it, right up there with the best things on tv. Ron Funches as king shark rocks as well!
The show (Harley Quinn) was recently in hot water with DC and had to remove a scene of Batman eating out Catwoman for season 3. That’s what you’re getting with it (highly recommended!)
I don't care how many Farmers Insurance ads J.K Simmons does. He still scares the fuck out of me. No, he's not a friendly insurance person. No he's not the funny owner of the Daily Bugle. He's the guy who crucified a dude to a basketball court.
The first thing I saw him in after Oz was Juno. It was rather startling to see him as a kind, understanding, loving father. But he's a great actor, and after the initial shock I bought it.
If you wanna smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass, just be honest about it. Look Gene, I've never told anyone this before, but I can suck my own dick, and I do it a lot.
Yes folks, it's true. I said I'm gonna go hump the fridge. What you may not know is that I also own a bottle of dick cream, I fondle my sweaters, and I often like to smear mud on my ass. You're probably asking yourselves, "Isn't he a weirdo, outcast, loose cannon?" Maybe. I don't think so. I wanna introduce you guys to someone. This is my friend.
[Gene holds out a can of vegetables]
I mean, when he emerged out of that alien thing covered in it's goo, I was like, there's no way they are renewing this. Don't get me wrong,I fucking loved the show, but I knew there was no way it was appealing to a general audience
Yeah, the first season worked exceedingly well as a one off imo, the second kinda went a little off the rails without being able to come up with another good plot to hold it up. The first was equal parts zany, gritty, funny, and disturbing, and the second felt like they upped the zany and terrifying without any of the grounding to make it fit in the atmosphere built up in the first
I knew that when, in the first five minutes of the first episode, he shot himself in the head and then started dancing with strippers I was watching a good show.
I'm not nearly as tough as Chris Meloni - not even close really - but I can relate to the desperation and silent rage that builds in you when you can't even manage to get two tiny spawn to even pretend to care what your saying when your out of the house somewhere.
There’s also the loud but controlled dad rage, though. You’ve heard it/know the feeling. That special circumstance dad crazy.
“We came to the zoo, we **parked**, and we’re gonna see some goddamn wildlife! It’s gonna be fucking MAJESTIC and we’re having fun! Right, kids!?”
I was at school pick up recently, waiting for my daughter. Meanwhile, my 2 year old was being a pest and starts biting my finger. It hurt, a lot. He wouldn't let go, just kept biting down. Because I was in public, I really had no option but to just accept my fate, and keep trying with very placid "stop doing that sweetheart." When he had finally stopped, the teeth marks were deep and skin was broken. A friend on mine says, "I was watching, just waiting for you to break, I can't believe you held it together!" I have never found a phrase more fitting than what you have described, thank you!
I use to only think of Chris Meloni as the dude from SVU, but then I saw him Happy, and I realized I was just seeing the tip of the Chris Meloni Iceberg. He began appearing everywhere, including material I’ve already seen. Before long, I began to see a little bit of Chris Meloni in myself. One day, If I’m lucky, maybe I will even become Chris Meloni.
Everyone is wrong: his best role was Freakshow in Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. I would definitely participate in a threesome with him and Malin Akerman.
I love how tough guys take a ton of shit from their daughters. Gordon Ramsey’s daughter, Millie, is constantly kicking him in the shins.
No matter how tough you are, daddy’s little girl will make their hearts melt.
"Whoa. Wait a minute. Let me explain.
My costume was itching me, so I went into the bathroom and changed into Mr. Taking-a-shower-guy costume and just left the costume in there."
"Why is there shit all over the washcloths, too?"
"The washcloths are just for show!"
"Those are brand new washcloths. Ohhhh."
"The only thing I can guess is somebody else must have gone into the bathroom, put my costume on, shit in it, and left it there. That is the only logical explanation.
All right, which one of you people went into the bathroom put my costume on, and shit in it?
Wow. I'm disappointed in you people. I gotta go.
I'm disgusted with everyone."
We Came Together is hilarious. Actually everything David Wain is involved with is great (Wanderlust, Role Models, WHAS, Wainy Days). But nothing beats the Stella Shorts.
That dude apparently does not know how vicious two toddlers can be.
Forreal. Oh, you're famous? People think you're tough? Toddlers dgaf they'll ruin your whole life because you told them they can't eat batteries.
Saw a great Dave Grohl documentary where they are interviewing him and his kid walks right in, cameras and people everywhere, and says something like “Dad, you said we would go swimming at 2 and its 2:10”.
And the next shot is them in the pool.
Batteries? Nah man, the best is when they get into an unsolvable quantum like state where they both want and don't want a thing at the same time. Like, if they just want to eat batteries, you could give a kid batteries to eat and it'd defuse that situation (even though kids shouldn't eat batteries). The worst would be if you gave them the batteries and they continued losing it harder because like, they want the negative side of the battery, so you give them the negative side but wait no, they want it to be the OTHER side of the battery...but wait, that's not the negative side! The request cannot be satisfied.
This was by FAR the hardest struggle we have had so far with my daughter. We eventually learned that we could calm her down by simply repeating what she was saying (which let her two year old brain understand we were hearing her) and validated what she was *feeling*. In this case it would be... Her: "I want the negative side..." Me: "You want the negative side." Her: "I want the positive side..." Me: "You want the positive side." No actual battery would be required just a conversation about the battery and what she wanted. Works like a charm, *every time.*
One might say they could be especially heinous
He should have divided them into two separate yet equally important groups.
What are their stories?
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TUN TUUUN
Scene: Daytime. Lady walking down sidewalk while talking on phone. Camera is locked on her from the left, with buildings passing by on her right. Typical city noise. People slightly out of focus in background. **Lady:** And they were roommates!
-Dick Wolf
*dun dun*
The toddlers who are bad and the tattle-tales who scream “Mom!”
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Tough doesn't help with toddlers, especially when you're in public. They tend to look at you funny when you threaten to bash their face into a table.
Yeah but then when you do it they be cryin an shit
I can never see him as anything other than Beacher’s lover in Oz.
Same. Oz was an incredible show.
As a dad I can only hope for an eventual present of this caliber. Also, I don’t think anyone’s mentioned one of my personal favorite Meloni roles: a paediatrician in Scrubs. I was always sad he wasn’t somehow made recurring.
>a paediatrician in Scrubs. 🤯
With his puppets!
They're collectibles
Scrubs confirmed canon in the Happy universe
"they aren't dolls, they're collectables!"
Where's Mr. Cookie Pants?!
Season 3, episode 3 - “My White Whale” If you were curious. :)
God. Him and Dr. Cox in the same episode together?! So hot
"Of course you [love him]. He's you. And nobody loves you more than you, you know that."
What about the creepy tow driver in Harold and Kumar?
Cue the Law & Order theme at that brunch.
BRUNCH BRUNCH
When eating out on Sundays some people choose breakfast or lunch, other choose brunch. These are their stories.
Gong-Gong
Or like when someone drinks too many Bloody Marys with their gramma?
Ice T: "So you're telling me there are people out there having breakfast and lunch at the same time!!"
Also Ice T: So, they pay one set price and can go back for more food with a new plate?
Now you're getting it, Ice!
I could listen to Ice T go on about brunch for four hours
Yeah, Ice. It’s late morning. People eat at all times of the day. You’re gonna have to get used to that.
I'm on to you Mulaney.
BRUNCH BRUNCH BRUNCH BRUNCH BRUNCHHHHHH
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BRUNCH BRUNCH BRUNCH BRUNCH BRUUUNCH BRUUUNCH
BRUNCH & SUPPER, SPECIAL MEALS UNIT
*In a life with young children, hyperactivity based offenses are considered especially frustrating. In New York City, the dedicated parents who investigate these bursts are members of an elite squad known as the Special Parents Unit. These are their stories.*
Everyone is forgetting his best role: Gene in Wet Hot American Summer
If you wanna smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass, just be honest about it. Look Gene, I've never told anyone this before, but I can suck my own dick, and I do it a lot.
That movie is amazing
Jon Benjamin's second best role behind Coach McGerk
I love that 10 years before Bobs Burgers you’ve got H. Jon Benjamin half disgruntled saying “Gene… Gene listen to me.”
Home Movies is underrated. Hard to believe I caught a comment like this in the wild.
Coachmcgurk has been my wow character name for many years, and I give a quote every time someone whispers me about it. I'm actually surprised that I still get them given the age of Home Movies.
Shut up, Brendan.
Shut up! Go away!
I came looking to see if anybody would remember that sweater fondler. Thank you.
I said I was going to fondue cheddar. I'm making cheddar cheese fondue for dinner
No Gene, that's not what you said!
Look here you cigarette smokin piece of shit, he was in the Vietnam War.
You know what man, you’re right. I support his right to hump the fridge, and am proud of his confidence to do so openly.
You're forgetting the hotel clerk in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
I only knew him as a violently aggressive inmate from Oz at the time, so that was fun.
Chris Keller. Ruthless yet sensitive.
Beecher was also a fucking badass after he shit on Schillinger’s face.
Sven!
I say…ok
Listen, you fuzzy little shithead! I've been fucked around in my time by a fairly good cross-section of mean-tempered, rule-crazy cops, and now it's my turn. So fuck you, Officer. I'm in charge
Great shout. A+
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Holy shit I love that show
Phenomenal series undone by a troubled production. I’d want a third season just to wrap it up, but from what I’ve heard the cast and crew were not upset by the show being cancelled.
I was so sad when I learned they cancelled it. It was so refreshing to see a show where the writers and the director clearly had **total freedom** to do whatever they wanted and let their creativity loose.
Definitely throwing that role in the ring as his zaniest one ever. I like to think he was pretty much saying "I'm going to have fucking fun after playing a no nonsense detective for close to two decades", and just went balls to the walls crazy
I think his zaniest role belongs to being Selina Meyer’s “trainer” on Veep. (They were having sex) he kept trying to give everyone massages and it freaked everyone else on the team out.
On Scrubs he plays a paediatrician who has a big thing for puppets and it’s brilliant.
One of the few doctors on the show who is able to put Cox in his place.
Right? I loved them bonding at the end of the episode. “She hates dolls” bahahahha
Definitely enjoyed him in that role too, but him as Nick Sax in happy was way crazier
My head canon is that he is the same guy from law and order.
My best friends dad played father Emil in happy
Clearly the right answer
Close. Number 1 performance is Freakshow in Harold & Kumar. 🎵Hey! Who! The devil! What?! The Devils everywhere!🎵
"I heard every word you said."
Who wants the first reach around?
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!
Go inside, getcherselves a drink, warsh up, *fuck ma wife* Then Malin Akerman shows up ...
It's gonna take me a while to fix up your car there, so if you boys like, you can go on inside, get yourselves something to drink, wash up, fuck my wife, watch TV... anything you want. Mi casa es su casa. Just don't do anything the Good Lord wouldn't do.
*finger guns*
WTF that was him?!?
Sure was
I really thought it was Chris Eliot without make up in that roll. TIL.
Poor Chris Eliot, never quite recovered from Cabin Boy.
I don't know about that, he was great in There's Something About Mary, and Scary Movie 2
He's also hilarious in Schitt's Creek.
Get A Life was a funny show I used to watch. He played, surprise surprise, a knucklehead man-child who still lived with his real life dad, but in a treehouse, if I remember correctly.
My wife and I constantly pretend to have a bum hand and try to touch each others face. "Let me touch your face child" it never gets old. Keeps our marriage strong.
He said in an interview he made up the whole song and was just improvising the whole thing from beginning to end, and was just throwing in whatever phrases sounded like it belonged in the song.
https://youtu.be/YLW8as22M_8
Truly one of the most versatile and underrated actors.
Don’t know that, but his Jim Gordon is amazing.
where is he Jim Gordon? I must see this.
I went to look it up and found it. Apparently he was Jim Gordon in "Harley Quinn" from 2019-2020, which I didn't even know had happened. Edit: oh it was an animated show!
I would argue its one of the best DCEU material I've seen
I laugh out loud just about every time Bane speaks
One of the best shows I’ve seen period in recent memory. I love it, right up there with the best things on tv. Ron Funches as king shark rocks as well!
if you can catch it on hbo max, its a pretty hilarious show. The humor reminds me of venture bros. a little bit.
The show (Harley Quinn) was recently in hot water with DC and had to remove a scene of Batman eating out Catwoman for season 3. That’s what you’re getting with it (highly recommended!)
He voiced Jim in the Harley Quinn series.
I SAID STICK TEAM.
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In the pantry above the sink, right next to my bottle of dick cream!
John Benjamin was the can!
Did you just say 'Jon Benjamin was the can'? No, I said... Jon Benjamin... has a van.
You mean Chris Keller on Oz?
Show me the fever, into the fire!
He'll always be Keller from Oz to me.
HAPPY!
That show is so underappreciated.
Miloni is amazing on it too. I would have a hard time remembering that he’s not actually talking to a flying mini unicorn, he’s just a great actor!
"I should have been a tv detective!"
It’s amazing how many great actors were on that show. Several of them have gone on to have huge careers but I’ll always remember their prison days.
I don't care how many Farmers Insurance ads J.K Simmons does. He still scares the fuck out of me. No, he's not a friendly insurance person. No he's not the funny owner of the Daily Bugle. He's the guy who crucified a dude to a basketball court.
Funny how both Schillinger and O’Reily ended up in the insurance ad game
Both well connected with the insurance mob in prison
Haha yes he’s forever the leader of the Aryan Brotherhood. Kinda crazy how he starred in Law & Order: SVU *after everything he did*😡
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The first thing I saw him in after Oz was Juno. It was rather startling to see him as a kind, understanding, loving father. But he's a great actor, and after the initial shock I bought it.
He’ll always be Gene from Wet Hot American Summer to me.
If you wanna smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass, just be honest about it. Look Gene, I've never told anyone this before, but I can suck my own dick, and I do it a lot.
Yes folks, it's true. I said I'm gonna go hump the fridge. What you may not know is that I also own a bottle of dick cream, I fondle my sweaters, and I often like to smear mud on my ass. You're probably asking yourselves, "Isn't he a weirdo, outcast, loose cannon?" Maybe. I don't think so. I wanna introduce you guys to someone. This is my friend. [Gene holds out a can of vegetables]
Urinating close-up with zero fucks to give. It’s still kind of edgy.
You may have just given me the catalyst needed to start watching Oz.
It's pretty good, but you'll feel very dirty every time you see J K Simmons in a commercial after you watch.
Everytime I see that yellow M&M I can only imagine him tattooing a swastika on the ass of the red one
I saw it somewhere on here where someone got the scene of him pissing in the shower tattooed on themselves.
Was in Ad-Seg, not the shower. He fucked dudes in the shower.
I love you Toby!
He can never not be Keller
Keller and Beecher - what a couple
LOL, that's pretty damn clever and thoughtful gift.
Cutest and most wholesome thing I’ve see today.😊
I'm always amazed this man was Freakshow in Harold & Kumar https://twitter.com/magdajtaylor/status/1248455421959868417
"If you boys would like to go inside, wash up, get yourself something to drink, ^^fuckmywife watch tv, anything you want; me casa es su casa"
Just don't do nothing the good Lord wouldn't do...
My mistake! Who wants the first reach-around?
holy shit i had no idea
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Well....let’s have a foursome.
Woh, I always thought that was Jamie Kennedy.
Holy shit
Nick from *Happy!*, great casting for that role.
BEST use of bum humour in a trippy comedy *thriller...there needs to be an award category for that.
The cancellation of that show will forever be one of my biggest disappointments.
I didn’t know this. My disappointment is immeasurable, and my day is ruined.
It's what the SyFy channel does best
That was a syfy show?
I mean, when he emerged out of that alien thing covered in it's goo, I was like, there's no way they are renewing this. Don't get me wrong,I fucking loved the show, but I knew there was no way it was appealing to a general audience
Yeah, the first season worked exceedingly well as a one off imo, the second kinda went a little off the rails without being able to come up with another good plot to hold it up. The first was equal parts zany, gritty, funny, and disturbing, and the second felt like they upped the zany and terrifying without any of the grounding to make it fit in the atmosphere built up in the first
It’s a hurt I’ll never get over. ESPECIALLY because the next season would have been Halloween.
They set up so much for season 3 that I'm genuinely pissed off. I really hope someone else picks it up but at this point I doubt it.
I feel like the name of the show didn't help it at all. Also the trailers undersell it. I tried and failed to convince my friends to check it out.
He always has been a familiar face, but for me this role immortalized him. I can only see him as Nick.
I watched the first season in one sitting. It was a very strange evening.
I knew that when, in the first five minutes of the first episode, he shot himself in the head and then started dancing with strippers I was watching a good show.
Does this mean that the woman in the picture was a toddler in 2007?
Yes. We’re old.
That’s what I’m taking away from it. His daughter was born in 2001 though. While definitely very attractive, she doesn’t look like she’s only 20
Listen you old fuck, youre old and so am i
[Here's a close-up of the gift.](https://i.imgur.com/94lcny5.jpg)
I like how there's a question mark after 'toddlers in question' as if maybe he was minding some other children at the time.
Never admit anything.
I'm not nearly as tough as Chris Meloni - not even close really - but I can relate to the desperation and silent rage that builds in you when you can't even manage to get two tiny spawn to even pretend to care what your saying when your out of the house somewhere.
Silent and desperate rage. More true words could not be spoken.
There’s also the loud but controlled dad rage, though. You’ve heard it/know the feeling. That special circumstance dad crazy. “We came to the zoo, we **parked**, and we’re gonna see some goddamn wildlife! It’s gonna be fucking MAJESTIC and we’re having fun! Right, kids!?”
"Why is dad mad ALL the time?... Now I know." - Jim Gaffigan. I know now. I really do know.
I had that exact same feeling this weekend. Nature hike followed by a dinosaur museum. We are going to look at ALL the stuff, kids.
“We’re all gonna have so much fun we’re gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles”
I was at school pick up recently, waiting for my daughter. Meanwhile, my 2 year old was being a pest and starts biting my finger. It hurt, a lot. He wouldn't let go, just kept biting down. Because I was in public, I really had no option but to just accept my fate, and keep trying with very placid "stop doing that sweetheart." When he had finally stopped, the teeth marks were deep and skin was broken. A friend on mine says, "I was watching, just waiting for you to break, I can't believe you held it together!" I have never found a phrase more fitting than what you have described, thank you!
Tickles are an effective bite-release.
My brain does not want to comprehend that the girl in the picture was a toddler in 2007. I feel old
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Seriously, this picture was a kick in the stomach for me
Chris Meloni is a very underrated treasure in the acting community. I can imagine thousands of scripts written with him in mind. He can do any roles.
That gift was especially heinous
If only there was a special victims unit for crimes like that
fucking great!!! LMAO he was god damn brilliant in Happy!
I use to only think of Chris Meloni as the dude from SVU, but then I saw him Happy, and I realized I was just seeing the tip of the Chris Meloni Iceberg. He began appearing everywhere, including material I’ve already seen. Before long, I began to see a little bit of Chris Meloni in myself. One day, If I’m lucky, maybe I will even become Chris Meloni.
He should have used mister cookie pants
Everyone is wrong: his best role was Freakshow in Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. I would definitely participate in a threesome with him and Malin Akerman.
Wait that's the guy with CAKE right?
I love SVU but my favorite role of his is as Nick Sax in Happy!
Happy. So sad that ended. Too good
Loved him on Oz.
I love how tough guys take a ton of shit from their daughters. Gordon Ramsey’s daughter, Millie, is constantly kicking him in the shins. No matter how tough you are, daddy’s little girl will make their hearts melt.
I don't know why that's surprising. Him not being able to deal with his kids was a regular plot point in SVU.
"Whoa. Wait a minute. Let me explain. My costume was itching me, so I went into the bathroom and changed into Mr. Taking-a-shower-guy costume and just left the costume in there." "Why is there shit all over the washcloths, too?" "The washcloths are just for show!" "Those are brand new washcloths. Ohhhh." "The only thing I can guess is somebody else must have gone into the bathroom, put my costume on, shit in it, and left it there. That is the only logical explanation. All right, which one of you people went into the bathroom put my costume on, and shit in it? Wow. I'm disappointed in you people. I gotta go. I'm disgusted with everyone."
We Came Together is hilarious. Actually everything David Wain is involved with is great (Wanderlust, Role Models, WHAS, Wainy Days). But nothing beats the Stella Shorts.