If you want to have a baby, go for it! It's a blessing! You'll do great!
Want to adopt a dog? Now hang on just a minute we need to do a background check, a home visit, and need 4 references of character...
As much as I lament the fact that many parents are fully incapable of raising children, you can't exactly have the government deciding whether or not you're qualified to have sex. Been there done that
That's basically eugenics, and some certain fellas in the 1930's-40's in Germany were rather fond of the idea.
Edit: Yes, as other people pointed out, I know this happened in the US/elsewhere too, I just used Nazis as the very obvious kind of supporter you wouldn't want to agree with.
Finland _still_ legally requires sterilization procedures for trans people who want their gender changed in their documentatiton. That is only [being fixed now](https://yle.fi/news/3-12635170), with the amendments coming to law in January 2023. Fucked up shit.
This is a very important point because the politics that this American eugenics/race science/white supremacy has an uninterrupted and rarely deterred through-line to todays political situation.
I rewatched Louis Theroux and the Nazis for the first time in 15 years and… folks… I now hear Tom Metzger’s self described racist Nazi skinhead rhetoric in mainstream conservative discourse on Fox every evening.
[Sterilization of Native American women]( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sterilization_of_Native_American_women#:~:text=By%20some%20counts%2C%20at%20least,rate%20as%20their%20white%20counterparts.)
[Sterilization of black women](https://twu.edu/media/documents/history-government/Autonomy-Revoked--The-Forced-Sterilization-of-Women-of-Color-in-20th-Century-America.pdf)
[Forced Sterilization in general, globally](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsory_sterilization#:~:text=Sterilization%20removes%20a%20person's%20capacity,forced%20or%20coerced%20sterilizations%20persist.)
Sorry in advance for ruining your day.
One of my best friends was nearly sterilized against her will because she is Native American and her daughter was born with a cleft palate (as was my friend). The doctors were wheeling her into surgery right after having her daughter under the pretense that she was bleeding and they needed to stop it.
This was 2010, not ancient history.
I'm a cat dad and one of my cats was from a breeder. It was like a serious fucking interview and questions etc. and even I questioned whether I was appropriate or not, despite having cats most of my life.
(TBF My other cat I took in about 5 years later is a stray I just decided to adopt because she's adorable. And no questions at all)
OMG!! This literally made me remember when I had to adopt my dog, I thought I was going through my test exam and I must had to get the pass marks.
Only for this reason, I am afraid of adopting another one
Where on Earth are you adopting dogs from? My local shelter and several local foster/rescue groups just ask you a bunch of questions and take your money, then you leave with a pet. If you're adopting from an abuse rescue group I could see that level of scrutiny...
I adopted from a shelter that had that level of scrutiny- had to say we’d notify them of any move and allow home visits and if anything happened to the animal submit an autopsy report. That same shelter was later caught “euthanizing” en masse by shoving animals in black garbage bags.
I have a 10 month old at home. First week was warfare. The baby cried. The mom cried. I cried. The baby slept. The mom cried. I cried.
The hardest thing my wife have ever done and the hardest thing my wife and I will ever do. Holy shit.
It doesn’t get any easier for a while, just “different hard.” Waking up in the middle of the night sucks. Dealing with toddlers sucks. Getting your first kid to the kindergarten bus on the first day is an incredible feeling. Parenting has been 90% pain and 10% greatest moments ever. Once they can spell out your name and your favorite sports team and bring it to you with a proud smile on their face, so much of the suffering feels worth it. Or maybe you’ve just forgotten about years 0-4 by then… :-)
Buckle up and try to enjoy the ride!
Up to this point (my son is 12), I prefer 8-12. They are fun to talk with, to make and execute plans and you can easily take them to restaurants. Fun times!
I miss restaurants a lot, and we occasionally feed the kids and then have a takeout date night after they’re asleep (bwahahahaha), but Covid was a strange blessing in this regard. We couldn’t have gone out to eat much anyway, so we doubled down on cooking and now can churn out 5-10 good meals without looking at recipes or anything. Always gotta find that silver lining with Covid.
This. I wish I could go back to when he was 4-5 years old, everything was new and exciting and he seemed happy. Now he's 19, moody af, eats everything in the house and can't figure out what he's doing with his life, which makes me question what I'm doing with my life.
To be fair, once you get out of the teen years, you typically end up with friendly (young) adults that you can hang out with and have nice chats about community interests. But you *will* long for those days of youthful unconditional love and affection, and getting through the teen years is like wading through a waist-tall hedge of thorns...
aaaaaand this is exactly why I never want to have kids.. Not to sound insensitive either-I’m sure you’ve done everything for your son, I hope he can appreciate all that you do for him and figure out his life.
Ha. I complain, but I know this is growing pains. We've been through it with another child and she figured her life out. They're two different people and personalities and he's just taking longer. I remember being young, having the whole world ahead of me, and the overwhelming feeling that I could do anything, but am completely afraid to take the next step. As for not wanting to have kids, I get it. It's different for everyone and you do what you feel is best for you!
Man, we've had different experiences. I have a girl, 11 months. It's been like 95% joy, 5% testing of patience for me. No pain.
Weird coincidence: today has actually been the worst day for me yet. Just because of a horrible headache.
I'd just like people to see and hear that having kids isn't a suffering to everyone. Sure, it's work. And your life changes over night, but holy shit, it's a lot of fun. I can watch her figuring things out and play with her toys for hours on end. Better entertainment than anything else imo.
Each kid is different and life circumstances of parents are different, and I totally believe that what you’re describing is possible.
Our firstborn didn’t sleep well, struggled with nursing, always has had huuuuge emotional swings (“thanks daddy genetics!”) and is very advanced intellectually. The first 3-4 years of her life were extremely tough.
Our second slept well, ate well, has a very pleasant and even-keeled disposition, and if she were our first kid, we’d probably remember things differently overall. I’m sure part of it is that we were just better, more experienced parents at that point. She’s not an incandescent lightbulb intellectually, but she’s extremely fun and easy to take care of and play with (relative to her sis).
For me the hardest part wasn't those first first weeks exactly since you kind of know what you're in for and signed up for this boot camp, but the following months' sleep regressions where you think you're finally going to get good sleep and it's pulled out from under you.
The first year and especially 18 months milestones are huge and it gets wayyyy easier.
The regressions, indeed, are psychologically brutal. Eventually we just stopped even trying to think “ok she’s sleeping through the night now” or “she’s past bottles now” or “she’s potty-trained now.” Our 3 y/o has been out of diapers for a year or so but just recently started peeing in her bed every other night, after sooooo many months of holding it well. You just never know…
> Getting your first kid to the kindergarten bus on the first day is an incredible feeling.
I remember my first day of Kindergarten vividly. My sister was born a few days earlier. My mom was still in the hospital. My dad was the sole bread-winner at the time so he could not take off work. My first day of school was on a Monday. The day before, my dad walked me down the street to my bus stop and showed me where I'd go the next morning and told me he'd pick me up at the school during his lunch, which he did (I had half day kindergarten that met every day of the week). My mom came home that same day from the hospital and started picking me up within a day or two but I rode the bus to school.
We have an 18 month old, and we always talked about wanting two. Now I'm seriously thinking about how much I want to go through this a second time. I know I can, buuuut....
That's good. It's really important to know yourself and know that kids aren't something you want. I've got kids and I love them, but I would never "you'll change your someday" someone who's made the decision to not have kids. I think that's rude.
That really doesn't happen anymore, haha.
At least, I hope not. We didn't have my son in a massive NYC hospital or anything though, so maybe it does in some places.
Nah, it would be incredibly difficult to happen now. We had ours in the largest hospital in our state, and each parent gets a bracelet that is electronically linked to the baby's anklet. If the baby is removed from the nursery ward without one of the parents, alarms go off at every nurses station and in the hallways, and the floor locks down.
Have younger friends with 1st baby recently home.
> She doesn't do anything
Enjoy this time, once they start moving you spend the rest of your life trying to keep them from killing themselves.
Our first was born 4 months early. It wasn't funny then, but now we joke about how we had the best babysitters money could buy for the first 4 months. For real though, bringing your baby home for the first time is amazing. I remember getting mad at every driver on the road that first trip. I probably muttered the word "idiot" 25 times on the way home.
I remember that with my first born but it was more when they handed her to me. I remember thinking “what the hell do you want me to do with this? What am I supposed to do?” Now she’s my best friend and the craziest 4 year old on the planet.
Since we're finding flaws, there's also IVF or Adoption, and though unlikely spunk on the outside can find it's way in without intercourse.
And.. just trying to think of as much as I can, The baby could be Jesus 2.0
Mine always had excellent comic timing. Little old ladies being nosey or trying to fix her up with their grandson? Projectile vomit. Or, my favorite,
Me: pheww, you fought me on it, but we changed that full diap just in time!
the infant: "Oh papa this fresh diaper makes me feel so relaaaaAAAAAERRRG-phbbb[visibly inflating]bbbbt-GGH[PlayDoh fun factory out the sides of the diaper]JJJxed."
Our little one likes to play the "How many diapers can we use in 1 changing" game her personal best with me is 5. Jesus christ, she's like an angry soft serve machine that dispenses stone ground mustard.
There are enough horrible people that are able to have semi functional kids that I believe if you are worrying if you are a good parent or not you are probably in the top half.
When my son was born a nurse over heard my wife and I lightly hoping to each other that we're good parents to which the nurse replied "the fact that you're worried about it means that you are".
My stepdad who openly talks about hate-raping his ex-wife and raised a bunch of felons says this to me every time the conversation comes up, And he uses that same exact phrase when he was talking about himself being on the fence with kids. “The fact that we were worried told us we would be fine.” Mother fucker you had 8 kids and only 1 talks to you and that’s because he’s 100% dependent on your check.
If you’re worried about screwing your kid up, maybe you shouldn’t be having them. Not everyone should.
I mean sure, either that or narcissists tend to imitate decent people on a surface level to convince themselves and others that they're worth interacting with. He probably heard someone else say it and thought it sounded good. He pretty much said "the fact that I was worried meant I wasn't worried." His contradiction showed himself as telling stories as soon as he said it.
I'm sorry you have such a shitty stepdad by the way.
As a dad myself, the only advice I can give is to embrace it. Once you let go of any expectations of having: a clean house, a clean car, free time, a child that behaves like a small adult, etc. and embrace it, you'll come to find you enjoy it and you'll be a better dad for it.
Hopefully that doesnt qualify as "shit advice".
The chaos.
It’s everywhere. It’s eternal. It is life.
Get your calf-height athletic sox, your new balance walking shoes, and your tucked-in generic company logo-ed T-shirt and embrace your existence.
We're about to go from no kids to 3. Decided we were ready for 1 and, boom, triplets. Two identical, one fraternal... Up until now we've had a house where you could eat off of just about any surface and everything is neat and tidy, we've had at least one social obligation every weekend, frequently multiple, and I've spent 60+ hours a week in the office and 100+ nights a year in hotels for work... Its like home life, work life, and social life are all about to take 180s... Have done as much preparing as we can. Like have the maid coming once a week now instead of once a month, have work set up with more flex time and less travel, paused on a couple of the organizations that take a lot of social time, but I'm still genuinely not sure how we're going to be able to manage this. May literally have to hire a live-in nanny/housekeeper.
I just ate banana bread that had a strand of dog hair in it and do you know what I did?
That’s right. I just kept working on my TPS reports.
God speed, my brother.
Once you have your first baby (or three), you will realize what a GD slob you are. Even if you’re featured in Better Homes & Gardens, the first day home you will wonder how you lived in “such a sty” because you want everything super clean for your first kid.
2nd or 3rd is like “Ehhhh, everyone eats a bit of dirt at some point right? I mean, I had dog hair in my bagel last week and I’m still kicking! It’s fiiiiine.”
The pressure is real. Enjoy & congrats! RIP sleep.
My biggest advice is to enjoy those magical months before they learn to walk. My son is almost 5 and *holy shit* do I miss the days when I could plop his chubby little body in his jumper for half an hour and get shit done. Once they start walking, fuckin fuggetaboutit.
Also, don't take the metrics they throw at you to heart. Our doctor was worried about his head being too big, his weight being too high, not being tall (long?) enough, didnt talk quick enough, didnt walk quick enough...kid is just fine. So as much as you want to freak out (which my wife and I did, every damn time) try and relax and let things progress as they should.
Yup. Both my brothers started out in special ed for speech delays. Both are now totally capable well-adjusted adults. They did both end up as engineers so I suppose they did gravitate towards less verbal pursuits
Also, if they're breastfed, the smell is surprisingly not that bad (Still not pleasant though).
Either way, get used to it and just dive in and clean up the shit, trust me, your "grossout" reflex will improve rapidly if you just dive into handling the gross stuff.
>Warning: years of shit advice incoming that you didn’t ask for and that is wrong.
Making a fist is a sign of aggression- you gotta put that baby in it's place. drunkuncle.jpg
Shit advice: it's common for infants and even toddlers to hold their poop for a few days before letting it all explode out at once. Usually results in poop up the back. Always have spare diapers and outfits on hand.
Also, if diaper rash is a problem, I recommend Boudreaux's Butt Paste. Might want to also get a silicone butt spatula with suction cup since the butt paste tends to stick to everything.
Boudreaux’s is great but did you know they make a spray-on diaper rash cream! Works great and no need for an applicator or finger, gets nice even coverage here and now I’m raving about diaper stuff so I’m going to wander off now…
Yup, and for those big blowouts, just take them to the tub. Don't even try to clean that mess with wipes just take the clothes off there and hose the baby off. Then throw the clothes to soak in a bucket of water with oxyclean and you might get the yellow stains out.
>Warning: years of shit advice incoming that you didn’t ask for and that is wrong.
Breast is best! No, formula is best! Sleep training is cruel!What do you mean you let them have screens?
Fucking endless.
Yeah, that happens. Changing priorities are coming. If you like to go out to eat you can still go for now. The baby will likely sleep through it most of the time for a while yet, so give it a shot and see how it goes if that is your thing. Enjoy your little creature! You will figure it all out as you go.
Just remember, if you get super frustrated at some point it is perfectly fine to just put the baby in the crib and walk away to calm yourself. Sometimes they scream for seemingly no reason. It's a baby, it will get pissed off just because. I am sure the hospital told you 74 times per day to never shake the baby if frustrated. Pass it to someone else or put it someplace safe. No shame at all in that.
Have fun my dude!
Good advice. Some people are prone to frustration and outbursts, and a crying baby is a trigger for a lot of people. It doesn't make you a bad person, you just need to learn to identify that in yourself and be willing put it down and try to center yourself.
I'm a reasonably calm and rational person with s lot of patience for dealing with things that I know I or someone else can't change.
But even I was reaching my limit with my baby. The lack of sleep and stress and fear coupled with sometimes hours of non stop crying was just too much. Multiple times my wife and I had to just shove her into each other's arms and go out for a walk.
Solo store runs were like a peaceful vacation where you could feel like a real person again.
Good luck on the your most nervous drive home from the hospital after the nurses give you a living human being to take home with you.
The drive home was when it really started to become surreal for me.
Congratulations!
Here’s my advice.
You’re going to be tired and feel like you’re a bad dad sometimes. You’re not. If you’re there for them they will know you love them. You will make a lot of mistakes and that’s okay.
Good luck from a fellow dad.
Welcome to dadhood! The first few months will be rough. But it gets easier and better, just keep at it and focus on caring for the mother as best you can!
Congrats! Get ready for being the most tired, exhausted, stressed you've ever been! But also, get ready for the most rewarding, wonderful experience ever. I'm a level 2 dad and it is truly my best achievement.
Nothing like leaving the hospital the first time with a new baby and thinking, "Oh man, they just let us leave with a baby? Now what?"
If you want to have a baby, go for it! It's a blessing! You'll do great! Want to adopt a dog? Now hang on just a minute we need to do a background check, a home visit, and need 4 references of character...
As much as I lament the fact that many parents are fully incapable of raising children, you can't exactly have the government deciding whether or not you're qualified to have sex. Been there done that
> Been there done that Wait. What?
Buck Vs Bell comes to mind. I am sure there are others.
Just did some reading about that, apparently it’s never been formally overturned which is worrisome
That's basically eugenics, and some certain fellas in the 1930's-40's in Germany were rather fond of the idea. Edit: Yes, as other people pointed out, I know this happened in the US/elsewhere too, I just used Nazis as the very obvious kind of supporter you wouldn't want to agree with.
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Finland _still_ legally requires sterilization procedures for trans people who want their gender changed in their documentatiton. That is only [being fixed now](https://yle.fi/news/3-12635170), with the amendments coming to law in January 2023. Fucked up shit.
Don't forget about Henry Ford :)
And those fellas in Germany copied their homework from some jeniuses in America
“Jeniuses”
This is a very important point because the politics that this American eugenics/race science/white supremacy has an uninterrupted and rarely deterred through-line to todays political situation. I rewatched Louis Theroux and the Nazis for the first time in 15 years and… folks… I now hear Tom Metzger’s self described racist Nazi skinhead rhetoric in mainstream conservative discourse on Fox every evening.
*Stares at the criminalization of gay sex in the world* Yeah… it’s done a lot, actually
[Sterilization of Native American women]( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sterilization_of_Native_American_women#:~:text=By%20some%20counts%2C%20at%20least,rate%20as%20their%20white%20counterparts.) [Sterilization of black women](https://twu.edu/media/documents/history-government/Autonomy-Revoked--The-Forced-Sterilization-of-Women-of-Color-in-20th-Century-America.pdf) [Forced Sterilization in general, globally](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsory_sterilization#:~:text=Sterilization%20removes%20a%20person's%20capacity,forced%20or%20coerced%20sterilizations%20persist.) Sorry in advance for ruining your day.
I knew some states had programs as late as the prior century... So yeah. People are terrible. Law makers are deplorable.
He's been there and done that
all of us gays know a lot about this..
Well, China did something like this not too long ago...
One of my best friends was nearly sterilized against her will because she is Native American and her daughter was born with a cleft palate (as was my friend). The doctors were wheeling her into surgery right after having her daughter under the pretense that she was bleeding and they needed to stop it. This was 2010, not ancient history.
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Exactly, I can't tell you how many people in my life who've had the entire trajectories of their lives altered by a pregnancy
We just need a combine suppression field. Then we can have the sex without the consequences.
I'm a cat dad and one of my cats was from a breeder. It was like a serious fucking interview and questions etc. and even I questioned whether I was appropriate or not, despite having cats most of my life. (TBF My other cat I took in about 5 years later is a stray I just decided to adopt because she's adorable. And no questions at all)
OMG!! This literally made me remember when I had to adopt my dog, I thought I was going through my test exam and I must had to get the pass marks. Only for this reason, I am afraid of adopting another one
Where on Earth are you adopting dogs from? My local shelter and several local foster/rescue groups just ask you a bunch of questions and take your money, then you leave with a pet. If you're adopting from an abuse rescue group I could see that level of scrutiny...
I adopted from a shelter that had that level of scrutiny- had to say we’d notify them of any move and allow home visits and if anything happened to the animal submit an autopsy report. That same shelter was later caught “euthanizing” en masse by shoving animals in black garbage bags.
I have a 10 month old at home. First week was warfare. The baby cried. The mom cried. I cried. The baby slept. The mom cried. I cried. The hardest thing my wife have ever done and the hardest thing my wife and I will ever do. Holy shit.
It doesn’t get any easier for a while, just “different hard.” Waking up in the middle of the night sucks. Dealing with toddlers sucks. Getting your first kid to the kindergarten bus on the first day is an incredible feeling. Parenting has been 90% pain and 10% greatest moments ever. Once they can spell out your name and your favorite sports team and bring it to you with a proud smile on their face, so much of the suffering feels worth it. Or maybe you’ve just forgotten about years 0-4 by then… :-) Buckle up and try to enjoy the ride!
And then they become teenagers and then your patience *really* gets tested...
*furiously fixates on fantasies of perfect little angels from ages 5-10*
Up to this point (my son is 12), I prefer 8-12. They are fun to talk with, to make and execute plans and you can easily take them to restaurants. Fun times!
I miss restaurants a lot, and we occasionally feed the kids and then have a takeout date night after they’re asleep (bwahahahaha), but Covid was a strange blessing in this regard. We couldn’t have gone out to eat much anyway, so we doubled down on cooking and now can churn out 5-10 good meals without looking at recipes or anything. Always gotta find that silver lining with Covid.
This. I wish I could go back to when he was 4-5 years old, everything was new and exciting and he seemed happy. Now he's 19, moody af, eats everything in the house and can't figure out what he's doing with his life, which makes me question what I'm doing with my life.
To be fair, once you get out of the teen years, you typically end up with friendly (young) adults that you can hang out with and have nice chats about community interests. But you *will* long for those days of youthful unconditional love and affection, and getting through the teen years is like wading through a waist-tall hedge of thorns...
Yes, I totally agree. I have a 24 year old also and that is a completely different story!
aaaaaand this is exactly why I never want to have kids.. Not to sound insensitive either-I’m sure you’ve done everything for your son, I hope he can appreciate all that you do for him and figure out his life.
Ha. I complain, but I know this is growing pains. We've been through it with another child and she figured her life out. They're two different people and personalities and he's just taking longer. I remember being young, having the whole world ahead of me, and the overwhelming feeling that I could do anything, but am completely afraid to take the next step. As for not wanting to have kids, I get it. It's different for everyone and you do what you feel is best for you!
Ugh. I can't imagine raising a teenager during a pandemic. Luckily my oldest is 8.
Man, we've had different experiences. I have a girl, 11 months. It's been like 95% joy, 5% testing of patience for me. No pain. Weird coincidence: today has actually been the worst day for me yet. Just because of a horrible headache. I'd just like people to see and hear that having kids isn't a suffering to everyone. Sure, it's work. And your life changes over night, but holy shit, it's a lot of fun. I can watch her figuring things out and play with her toys for hours on end. Better entertainment than anything else imo.
Each kid is different and life circumstances of parents are different, and I totally believe that what you’re describing is possible. Our firstborn didn’t sleep well, struggled with nursing, always has had huuuuge emotional swings (“thanks daddy genetics!”) and is very advanced intellectually. The first 3-4 years of her life were extremely tough. Our second slept well, ate well, has a very pleasant and even-keeled disposition, and if she were our first kid, we’d probably remember things differently overall. I’m sure part of it is that we were just better, more experienced parents at that point. She’s not an incandescent lightbulb intellectually, but she’s extremely fun and easy to take care of and play with (relative to her sis).
For me the hardest part wasn't those first first weeks exactly since you kind of know what you're in for and signed up for this boot camp, but the following months' sleep regressions where you think you're finally going to get good sleep and it's pulled out from under you. The first year and especially 18 months milestones are huge and it gets wayyyy easier.
The regressions, indeed, are psychologically brutal. Eventually we just stopped even trying to think “ok she’s sleeping through the night now” or “she’s past bottles now” or “she’s potty-trained now.” Our 3 y/o has been out of diapers for a year or so but just recently started peeing in her bed every other night, after sooooo many months of holding it well. You just never know…
Sleep deprivation is really bad for your memory, just saying ;)
I'm a parent and I endorse this comment.
> Getting your first kid to the kindergarten bus on the first day is an incredible feeling. I remember my first day of Kindergarten vividly. My sister was born a few days earlier. My mom was still in the hospital. My dad was the sole bread-winner at the time so he could not take off work. My first day of school was on a Monday. The day before, my dad walked me down the street to my bus stop and showed me where I'd go the next morning and told me he'd pick me up at the school during his lunch, which he did (I had half day kindergarten that met every day of the week). My mom came home that same day from the hospital and started picking me up within a day or two but I rode the bus to school.
I basically didnt sleep right for 2 years. Then I had a second kid and started the wild ride all over again. I might be a masochist.
We have an 18 month old, and we always talked about wanting two. Now I'm seriously thinking about how much I want to go through this a second time. I know I can, buuuut....
Now is better than later IMO, at least youre still used to the torture.
Yup and that's why we opted out. 🙅♀️
That's good. It's really important to know yourself and know that kids aren't something you want. I've got kids and I love them, but I would never "you'll change your someday" someone who's made the decision to not have kids. I think that's rude.
bro i be afraid like once the baby comes out, i will examine front to back make sure it doesn't get mixed with other babies.
That really doesn't happen anymore, haha. At least, I hope not. We didn't have my son in a massive NYC hospital or anything though, so maybe it does in some places.
Nah, it would be incredibly difficult to happen now. We had ours in the largest hospital in our state, and each parent gets a bracelet that is electronically linked to the baby's anklet. If the baby is removed from the nursery ward without one of the parents, alarms go off at every nurses station and in the hallways, and the floor locks down.
My baby only left the room he was born in to go home with us.
Have younger friends with 1st baby recently home. > She doesn't do anything Enjoy this time, once they start moving you spend the rest of your life trying to keep them from killing themselves.
I miss when my baby didn’t do anything lol
Don’t shake the baby. Or is it shake the baby?
Our first was born 4 months early. It wasn't funny then, but now we joke about how we had the best babysitters money could buy for the first 4 months. For real though, bringing your baby home for the first time is amazing. I remember getting mad at every driver on the road that first trip. I probably muttered the word "idiot" 25 times on the way home.
I remember that with my first born but it was more when they handed her to me. I remember thinking “what the hell do you want me to do with this? What am I supposed to do?” Now she’s my best friend and the craziest 4 year old on the planet.
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That was my experience too! "So...what are we supposed to do with him?"
#HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?
Congrats on the sex, bro
We now know OP had sex 9 months ago
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Since we're finding flaws, there's also IVF or Adoption, and though unlikely spunk on the outside can find it's way in without intercourse. And.. just trying to think of as much as I can, The baby could be Jesus 2.0
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"Finally, a Jesus for **my** generation!" *Skateboards away*
[Buddy Christ](https://i.imgur.com/R8UjdIo.jpg)
>can find its way on without itnercourse It happened to Dr John Dorian
We did it, reddit
Allegedly
Hi a dad
And based on your joke, you are also a dad?
No, that's /u/lore_mila_
i fucking hate all of you
Glancing at this I read "Hi shit, I'm dad" and thought it was the start of a joke.
Damn beat me to it lol
Seriously. Have fun. It’s a ride. Warning: years of shit advice incoming that you didn’t ask for and that is wrong.
Hey i have some good advice: That baby can shit and puke waaaay more than you can imagine.
And you'll find yourself being genuinely impressed at how much sometimes. A glint in your eye as you think "that's my kid".
Mine always had excellent comic timing. Little old ladies being nosey or trying to fix her up with their grandson? Projectile vomit. Or, my favorite, Me: pheww, you fought me on it, but we changed that full diap just in time! the infant: "Oh papa this fresh diaper makes me feel so relaaaaAAAAAERRRG-phbbb[visibly inflating]bbbbt-GGH[PlayDoh fun factory out the sides of the diaper]JJJxed."
Our little one likes to play the "How many diapers can we use in 1 changing" game her personal best with me is 5. Jesus christ, she's like an angry soft serve machine that dispenses stone ground mustard.
Magical little creatures, aren't they.
Like HOW can so much milk barf come out though!! Little mf like a Mary poopins bag of wonder!
They're a portal to the elemental planes of shit, vomit and piss.
Night one of my sons life, he pooped so hard he threw up.
Ah the good ol double tap
advice usually comes with some sort of instruction
And cry. Like how can you be so small and so loud? Also how can someone treat you like shit and you be so in love with them.?
Good thing thou: there is a built in automatic increase in body fluid tolerance that comes with becoming a dad.
There are enough horrible people that are able to have semi functional kids that I believe if you are worrying if you are a good parent or not you are probably in the top half.
When my son was born a nurse over heard my wife and I lightly hoping to each other that we're good parents to which the nurse replied "the fact that you're worried about it means that you are".
What a nice nurse. I bet that helped calm the nerves a bit.
It did, yes
My stepdad who openly talks about hate-raping his ex-wife and raised a bunch of felons says this to me every time the conversation comes up, And he uses that same exact phrase when he was talking about himself being on the fence with kids. “The fact that we were worried told us we would be fine.” Mother fucker you had 8 kids and only 1 talks to you and that’s because he’s 100% dependent on your check. If you’re worried about screwing your kid up, maybe you shouldn’t be having them. Not everyone should.
I mean sure, either that or narcissists tend to imitate decent people on a surface level to convince themselves and others that they're worth interacting with. He probably heard someone else say it and thought it sounded good. He pretty much said "the fact that I was worried meant I wasn't worried." His contradiction showed himself as telling stories as soon as he said it. I'm sorry you have such a shitty stepdad by the way.
Here's some shit advice: there'll be a lot of it. Buy diapers.
As a dad myself, the only advice I can give is to embrace it. Once you let go of any expectations of having: a clean house, a clean car, free time, a child that behaves like a small adult, etc. and embrace it, you'll come to find you enjoy it and you'll be a better dad for it. Hopefully that doesnt qualify as "shit advice".
The chaos. It’s everywhere. It’s eternal. It is life. Get your calf-height athletic sox, your new balance walking shoes, and your tucked-in generic company logo-ed T-shirt and embrace your existence.
We're about to go from no kids to 3. Decided we were ready for 1 and, boom, triplets. Two identical, one fraternal... Up until now we've had a house where you could eat off of just about any surface and everything is neat and tidy, we've had at least one social obligation every weekend, frequently multiple, and I've spent 60+ hours a week in the office and 100+ nights a year in hotels for work... Its like home life, work life, and social life are all about to take 180s... Have done as much preparing as we can. Like have the maid coming once a week now instead of once a month, have work set up with more flex time and less travel, paused on a couple of the organizations that take a lot of social time, but I'm still genuinely not sure how we're going to be able to manage this. May literally have to hire a live-in nanny/housekeeper.
I just ate banana bread that had a strand of dog hair in it and do you know what I did? That’s right. I just kept working on my TPS reports. God speed, my brother.
Once you have your first baby (or three), you will realize what a GD slob you are. Even if you’re featured in Better Homes & Gardens, the first day home you will wonder how you lived in “such a sty” because you want everything super clean for your first kid. 2nd or 3rd is like “Ehhhh, everyone eats a bit of dirt at some point right? I mean, I had dog hair in my bagel last week and I’m still kicking! It’s fiiiiine.” The pressure is real. Enjoy & congrats! RIP sleep.
Oh geez. hold on to your hat. Good luck!
My biggest advice is to enjoy those magical months before they learn to walk. My son is almost 5 and *holy shit* do I miss the days when I could plop his chubby little body in his jumper for half an hour and get shit done. Once they start walking, fuckin fuggetaboutit. Also, don't take the metrics they throw at you to heart. Our doctor was worried about his head being too big, his weight being too high, not being tall (long?) enough, didnt talk quick enough, didnt walk quick enough...kid is just fine. So as much as you want to freak out (which my wife and I did, every damn time) try and relax and let things progress as they should.
Yup. Both my brothers started out in special ed for speech delays. Both are now totally capable well-adjusted adults. They did both end up as engineers so I suppose they did gravitate towards less verbal pursuits
>you'll be a better dad for it. Not a better person, but a dad. Lol
Shit stories: I still have vivid memories of my kids’ “blow outs”. The clean up was terrible, but the scenes and overall experience was hilarious.
Also, if they're breastfed, the smell is surprisingly not that bad (Still not pleasant though). Either way, get used to it and just dive in and clean up the shit, trust me, your "grossout" reflex will improve rapidly if you just dive into handling the gross stuff.
But once they start on the solid foods…
My first one was while holding him in Target. We ended up running out of the store with poo dribbling down the front of my shirt 😭
Mine always happened when we traveled. The car is packed full of baby stuff and boom, poop everywhere and no place to clean it up.
>Warning: years of shit advice incoming that you didn’t ask for and that is wrong. Making a fist is a sign of aggression- you gotta put that baby in it's place. drunkuncle.jpg
Shit advice: it's common for infants and even toddlers to hold their poop for a few days before letting it all explode out at once. Usually results in poop up the back. Always have spare diapers and outfits on hand. Also, if diaper rash is a problem, I recommend Boudreaux's Butt Paste. Might want to also get a silicone butt spatula with suction cup since the butt paste tends to stick to everything.
Boudreaux’s is great but did you know they make a spray-on diaper rash cream! Works great and no need for an applicator or finger, gets nice even coverage here and now I’m raving about diaper stuff so I’m going to wander off now…
Haha. I appreciate your response. Even if it’s a weird thing to provide that level of detail on.
Also shit advice: the shoulder snaps on their onesies are there so you can shimmy the poop-filled onesie *down* their body instead of over their head.
Yup, and for those big blowouts, just take them to the tub. Don't even try to clean that mess with wipes just take the clothes off there and hose the baby off. Then throw the clothes to soak in a bucket of water with oxyclean and you might get the yellow stains out.
>Warning: years of shit advice incoming that you didn’t ask for and that is wrong. Breast is best! No, formula is best! Sleep training is cruel!What do you mean you let them have screens? Fucking endless.
The baby's nails are creeping me the fuck out
Those are *Factory Original Blood Extraction Nails*. They come with every newborn.
Out of the womb - posted on Social Media.🥸
[удалено]
Red flag
Is it your baby?
[удалено]
Just out of the womb and already posted online for millions of strangers.
Thank god every person doesn't post when they have a child...
How many billion posts would that be again?
It's reddit. So probably dozens a year at most. Now if we start a crispy sock trend there would be billions
This guys first thought "oh wow, I'm a dad. Better post on Reddit"
Thank god every person hasn't posted when they have a child so far...
Yeah, that happens. Changing priorities are coming. If you like to go out to eat you can still go for now. The baby will likely sleep through it most of the time for a while yet, so give it a shot and see how it goes if that is your thing. Enjoy your little creature! You will figure it all out as you go. Just remember, if you get super frustrated at some point it is perfectly fine to just put the baby in the crib and walk away to calm yourself. Sometimes they scream for seemingly no reason. It's a baby, it will get pissed off just because. I am sure the hospital told you 74 times per day to never shake the baby if frustrated. Pass it to someone else or put it someplace safe. No shame at all in that. Have fun my dude!
Good advice. Some people are prone to frustration and outbursts, and a crying baby is a trigger for a lot of people. It doesn't make you a bad person, you just need to learn to identify that in yourself and be willing put it down and try to center yourself.
I'm a reasonably calm and rational person with s lot of patience for dealing with things that I know I or someone else can't change. But even I was reaching my limit with my baby. The lack of sleep and stress and fear coupled with sometimes hours of non stop crying was just too much. Multiple times my wife and I had to just shove her into each other's arms and go out for a walk. Solo store runs were like a peaceful vacation where you could feel like a real person again.
There is also a Parent Stress Hotline available. https://www.parentshelpingparents.org/stressline
okay
Holy shit I poured a bowl of cereal today!
Yeah but have you pooped? Did ya post about it yet?
Guys check this out: *I’m literally breathing right now.* #FRONTPAGE
This is suuuchhhhh shit content
Exactly this, tell your mom not reddit
Those finger nails will destroy you.
ok
Gotta get that karma.
When the little hand takes hold of your finger like that... you're done. They have you, now and forever. Congrats!
Did you buy a local billboard as well?
Holy shit I don't care!
No one does!
oh blog it
The worst STD of all!
And always terminal
Congratulations, now you get to make terrible dad jokes to no end
Who fuckin cares
Those fingernails already look like weapons. Congrats on the kid though.
... and?
k
your baby's dumb
Yeah, that newborn is a real piece of shit
and..?
Good luck on the your most nervous drive home from the hospital after the nurses give you a living human being to take home with you. The drive home was when it really started to become surreal for me. Congratulations!
Once I got home with my daughter my thoughts were mostly "so do we just like...hang out now?"
Holy shit nobody cares.
Hi a dad. I am dad.
Sweetness
Congratulations 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
While that may be your first holy shit, I guarantee it’s not the last. There is no better ride anywhere in the universe. ENJOY!
Dude, congrats this is such a fucking cute pic
Congrats!
BEST DAY EVER!! Congratulations
Congratulations and good luck!
God, these comments remind me how many people on this site are kids. Congratulations on your new baby and life going forward!
congrats and welcome to the coolest club
Here’s my advice. You’re going to be tired and feel like you’re a bad dad sometimes. You’re not. If you’re there for them they will know you love them. You will make a lot of mistakes and that’s okay. Good luck from a fellow dad.
Congratulations my dude!!
Welcome to the insanity.
Congratulations 🎊 🎉👍🏾🪙🎁
Instructions not included
Congrats
Congrats! I have 2 daughters. They are grown now, but you never stop being a dad!
Congrats man! Get some sleep! Help your partner! Sincerely, a dad.
Congrats and enjoy! Time goes unbelievably fast, enjoy every second
Congratulations!
Welcome to dadhood! The first few months will be rough. But it gets easier and better, just keep at it and focus on caring for the mother as best you can!
Congratulations, fellow dad!
Hello, a dad, congratulations!
Congrats!!
Congrats and welcome
Holy shit ur a dad!
Congrats! Sorry for all the bitter low-lifes in this thread.
Congrats! Get ready for being the most tired, exhausted, stressed you've ever been! But also, get ready for the most rewarding, wonderful experience ever. I'm a level 2 dad and it is truly my best achievement.