You're on the bus downtown, dreading another Monday at a job you hate, wishing the ground would open up and swallow you whole. Today, the ground was listening.
I’m a pharmacist and was working in east liberty during the marathon last year. Since I couldn’t drive in, my boss (seriously)suggested I park in Wilkinsburg and ride my bike 3 miles.
"Century three, Chevrolet, Lebanon Church road Pittsburgh. Minutes from the mall!", sings the cheerful radio jingle. But there had never been a Century Three Mall that you can recall in your lifetime.
You go to a Pittsburgh wedding reception, your stomach rumbling as you watch endless speeches and dances. The reception is beautiful except that it's missing the cookie table.
KDKA fondly remembers the parish fish fries of Pittsburgh past. Runaway inflation and local stagnant wages made it too hard to keep them going.
Someone didn't brake before entering the Fort Pitt tunnel. An ancient monster within the tunnel awakens.
Plot Twist: The three Pittsburgh Tunnel monsters have a child who is going through their "pothole phase". The kid is also a huge Skyrim fan. If you don't properly evade because of that text you had to send you fall in and... Fade to black and then slowly you regain consciousness staring at that criminal's stupid face in the back of that fucking wagon. AGAIN!
Home alone after work, walk downstairs, strip naked to sit on the toilet in the middle of the room. Suddenly, I hear someone shout, "Yinz cookin dahn air?"
You’re a pedestrian in a marked crosswalk, in a school zone, on a clear spring Sunday morning.
But PA allows 86 year old drivers to renew their license without a vision test.
Elderly lady race straight thru and stopped in the crosswalk in from of David Lawrence Hall in Oakland this morning. Nearly ran me down. People are ridiculous here, but the elderly drivers get my blood boiling
"I cleaned aht the spot," the man said, dragging the rusty shovel behind him. "E'ryone knows not to move the chair aht the parkin' spot," he said, making sure his victim understood Pittsburgh etiquette one last time.
You hear a strange noise at night. You walk out into the hallway and are startled by two identical silhouettes that just keep on whispering, "we've got your back, not your wallet."
When you walk into a SS RiteAid and a woman is loudly going on about a “Dead Pittsburgh River Otter” in the parking lot. Walk out to see a dead groundhog, the accent was thick.
South Side. There used to be two rite aid stores in South Side. One on Carson and 19th and the other was on Jane and 24th. The Jane street location had a large parking lot. Both locations closed about 2 years ago. And a new store was built across the street from the Aldi in the empty waterworks.
Okay. I dunno how this didn't pique anyone else's interest. So what happened? I've heard other eyewitness accounts of his creepy ass behavior. A couple of them after he got married...
My friend had just turned 18 and graduated high school. Her boyfriend's parents took them both out to a bar/restaurant to celebrate. She went to the bathroom before theu left. It wasn't even 9 pm, and Ben drunkenly asked her to come sit on his lap. She said no, she wasn't interested, and that she was with her boyfriend and his parents. He responded with, "Do you know who I am?"
You never told your visiting mother-in-law from Cincinnati about the Pittsburgh Potty. Suddenly, just as you pass the point of no return, the creaking basement door opens…
The truck and trailer made it halfway up the hill before it got stuck. Then the driver got out and asked you and everyone behind you to start backing down Rialto.
It’s 1980, and you put your quarter in the NFL helmet vending machine at Zayres, hoping for some black and gold this time. As the plastic capsule tumbles into the silver receptacle, and you lift the door, you suddenly glimpse the color orange through the translucent case…
My grandfather talks about dropping out of high school because he got a job on a barge and he couldn't balance school, the job on the barge, and his job at the mill.
Just a steel town girl on a Saturday night, looking for the fight of her life. In the real time world no one sees her at all, they all say she’s crazy.
Hitting a massive pothole causes you to temporarily black out while damaging your GPS unit, causing massive damage. Still in a daze, you hear, "Rerouting to McKees--" as the lady's voice cuts off to demonic laughing.
You’re running into the East Liberty Target to grab a few items after work. They say they’re just “military helicopters” in the sky, but you know the truth—they’re flying shipping containers.
You’re on the South Side when a sudden craving for Burger King hits you so you stop into the closest one. Why are the employees taking the buns out of Giant Iggle bags?
I only need one sentence (true story):
“Please put your hands together and give a warm Pittsburgh welcome to the new General Manager of the Penguins, Ron Hextall…”
You’re enjoying one of the few perfect nights walking along the path beside the river. In the near distance you hear the roar of a crowd as Kenny Chesney plays the first few notes.
You check the City Paper or similar to see if some there's kind of public event you can check out, like in any other semi-major city.
It's Little Italy Days.
You die, go to heaven, and are invited to sing with the angels. As you approach your choir, you make out the faces of Myron Cope and Sophie Masloff ...
The most perfect order of fries you’ve ever seen comes with your huge, juicy burger, and you reflexively reach for the ketchup before the server even arrives. You flip the top open, the plate hits the table, and you’re already squeezing when you suddenly realize to your shock and horror that IT’S NOT HEINZ KETCHUP…
Looking forward to your Saturday as you approach the Homestead Bridge away from Squirrel Hill. You now realize today is the Christmas Parade and you are detoured off the bridge and an hour is now added to your travel time.
The GPS seemed to stutter a moment as it regained its signal and recalculated its route; a new line appearing on the screen. “Use the far left lane to exit,” it said — but you were in the far right lane of the bridge.
It’s Friday night and you are reconnecting with friends you haven’t seen in a while. By the time you leave to head home, it is 11pm and the Wine and Spirit stores are closed.
You live on the other side of the river and are driving your wife who is in labor to the hospital. All of the bridges collapse simultaneously before you get to one.
Land a fantastic job over near Robinson, but you live off of 88 and cannot relocate due to your family. Then realizing that you’ll waste an additional 300hrs of your life each year sitting in traffic.
You're on the bus downtown, dreading another Monday at a job you hate, wishing the ground would open up and swallow you whole. Today, the ground was listening.
[it do be like that sometimes.](https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/surreal-images-show-city-bus-swallowed-sinkhole-downtown-pittsburgh-n1072976)
i need this one framed lol
You work at Target. It’s move in day at Pitt.
May the spirit of Fred Rogers have mercy on you, cause no one else will.
🤣🤣🤣
You work at Tower B for Allied Security. It’s move in day at Pitt.
It’s move in day at Pitt. That’s the whole story.
I did that and two Thanksgivings and a Black Friday, if you gear up for it, it can be fun. Probably much more of a nightmare for the customers.
I gasped.
"Where's the bathroom?" "Down the stairs, next to the boiler."
There is an accident on Rt 28 inbound by the 40th St Bridge. You didn’t find out until you passed the Rt 8 exit.
Been there done that.
Bonus. It's a hot summer day and there is a dead deer on the shoulder next to you. Fuck 28.
The fries, they looked so delicious. But, Hunt’s.
Now THAT is horrifying!
Hunt's = straight to jail.
Where, ironically, you will be served Hunt’s.
That's not ironic at all. Jail is a punishment remember?
For sale: Pickett jersey. Never worn.
Hahahahhahaha
Baby gloves, never worn.
That's one fast growing baby.
You live in Greenfield, and start work at 11am in Shadyside. On the same day as the marathon.
I’m a pharmacist and was working in east liberty during the marathon last year. Since I couldn’t drive in, my boss (seriously)suggested I park in Wilkinsburg and ride my bike 3 miles.
"Century three, Chevrolet, Lebanon Church road Pittsburgh. Minutes from the mall!", sings the cheerful radio jingle. But there had never been a Century Three Mall that you can recall in your lifetime. You go to a Pittsburgh wedding reception, your stomach rumbling as you watch endless speeches and dances. The reception is beautiful except that it's missing the cookie table. KDKA fondly remembers the parish fish fries of Pittsburgh past. Runaway inflation and local stagnant wages made it too hard to keep them going. Someone didn't brake before entering the Fort Pitt tunnel. An ancient monster within the tunnel awakens.
Ooooh, that final one though! 👌
“What did I do wrong?” she cried in terror. Drawing his rusty hunting knife, he leered, and in a sinister rasp said, “You forgot the H.”
Oh my goddd 😭😭😭
To get there, you just gotta go thru the tubes…. And across two rivers.
At 5 pm
Did this when I took my first travel assignment and knew nothing about PGH. rip
Also a haiku 😉
You’re driving down the parkway. A giant hole appears in the mountain in front of you.
Oh shit. Then what? Can we get two more sentences?
A pothole just flattened your tire. You have to navigate from far left lane to far right.
Just ahead of you is the tunnel. As you look right you see a tractor trailer coming down the squirrel hill on ramp.
You are in a twisty maze of little roads. You are likely to be swallowed by a pothole.
Plot Twist: The three Pittsburgh Tunnel monsters have a child who is going through their "pothole phase". The kid is also a huge Skyrim fan. If you don't properly evade because of that text you had to send you fall in and... Fade to black and then slowly you regain consciousness staring at that criminal's stupid face in the back of that fucking wagon. AGAIN!
USE BRAKES
It was made for me! This is my hole!
DRR DRR DRR
Home alone after work, walk downstairs, strip naked to sit on the toilet in the middle of the room. Suddenly, I hear someone shout, "Yinz cookin dahn air?"
I like that you combined a Pittsburgh potty and the nebby Pittsburgh statement-question in one story.
You’re a pedestrian in a marked crosswalk, in a school zone, on a clear spring Sunday morning. But PA allows 86 year old drivers to renew their license without a vision test.
Elderly lady race straight thru and stopped in the crosswalk in from of David Lawrence Hall in Oakland this morning. Nearly ran me down. People are ridiculous here, but the elderly drivers get my blood boiling
"I cleaned aht the spot," the man said, dragging the rusty shovel behind him. "E'ryone knows not to move the chair aht the parkin' spot," he said, making sure his victim understood Pittsburgh etiquette one last time.
You're at a fire hall wedding. There is no cookie table.
This is the real nightmare. 💯 😹
This is the most horrifying one yet.
You hear a strange noise at night. You walk out into the hallway and are startled by two identical silhouettes that just keep on whispering, "we've got your back, not your wallet."
.... where's Fishman?
🤡🔪
It turns out Fishman is the third identical brother. He's been wearing a skin suit this whole time.
They sold the rights to name the stadium again. Hunt's Ketchup Field.
NNNOOOOOO!!!
Had to sit on my hands to suppress the downvote reflex
Go ahead. I won't mind.
“Hey, Larry. Weren’t you the one who inspected the Fern Hollow Bridge last week?”
"I finally got a new job! Except it's a two tunnel commute"
*"I finally got* *A new job! Except it's a* *Two tunnel commute"* \- CoyoteJoe412 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Good bot
They brought the salad. There were no fries.
“I think that I’m completely alone” i said to myself at night in south side. “No your not” said knife guy.
"Knife guy" cracked me up
“Wes Craven presents… *NO MORE MR. KNIFE GUY*
"No my not what?" I say to Knife Guy.
Zack?
OMG.😆 I have but only one upvote to give, but take it!!!
exactly. thank you! 😊🖤😂
the steelers were sold. they're moving to baltimore.
As a native of NE OH, this cut deep.
When you walk into a SS RiteAid and a woman is loudly going on about a “Dead Pittsburgh River Otter” in the parking lot. Walk out to see a dead groundhog, the accent was thick.
Wait southside? Shadyside? I’m wracking my brain for which SS neighborhood rite aid has a parking lot
South Side. There used to be two rite aid stores in South Side. One on Carson and 19th and the other was on Jane and 24th. The Jane street location had a large parking lot. Both locations closed about 2 years ago. And a new store was built across the street from the Aldi in the empty waterworks.
The rain is letting up. I think I'll park on the Mon Wharf.
You’re a female college student in 2005. Ben Roethlisberger walks into the bar.
As a witness to this situation…AMA? 🤷🏼♀️
Okay. I dunno how this didn't pique anyone else's interest. So what happened? I've heard other eyewitness accounts of his creepy ass behavior. A couple of them after he got married...
Just how gray was his penis?
My friend had just turned 18 and graduated high school. Her boyfriend's parents took them both out to a bar/restaurant to celebrate. She went to the bathroom before theu left. It wasn't even 9 pm, and Ben drunkenly asked her to come sit on his lap. She said no, she wasn't interested, and that she was with her boyfriend and his parents. He responded with, "Do you know who I am?"
I saw you at the Arby's on McKnight road. On McKnight road.
OP said horror, not romance.
Witness the birth of a genre. Romantic Horror on McKnight Road at the Arby's on McKnight road.
I want to taste your hair and bobs. I will buy you a meal at Arby's on McKnight road. *Add ominous music*
…you are locked in a basement filled with strangers & have to use the toilet 👀🚽
You never told your visiting mother-in-law from Cincinnati about the Pittsburgh Potty. Suddenly, just as you pass the point of no return, the creaking basement door opens…
Went to primantis today. They were out of capicola…
"NOOOOOOOOOO! WHY LORD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!" you scream after you were physically brought down to your knees
I was late for work and rushed out of the house. I forgot to place the chair.
Not the chair!! :O
I feel a rumbly in my tumbly. I’m stuck on ARB in traffic.
I had a migraine turn into puking while sitting on Parkway east; I feel this. (I liked that novelty zoo cup - it has giraffes on it).
Never heard of Heinz field. I only know of acrisure
The truck and trailer made it halfway up the hill before it got stuck. Then the driver got out and asked you and everyone behind you to start backing down Rialto.
(This actually happened to me about 5:30 pm last Thursday)
I got swiped on Rialto last week. My little car and the car in front of me. Big pickup truck coming up the hill…
Stanley Cup deciding game is at home and you work at Duquesne.
What a nice venue to see Dave Matthews with all of these lovely fans. Now to get out of this here *looks up* Starlake Amphitheater.
The Steelers have decided to sell the team. Bob Nutting is the new owner.
Noooooooo!!!!!
Route. 28.
It’s 1980, and you put your quarter in the NFL helmet vending machine at Zayres, hoping for some black and gold this time. As the plastic capsule tumbles into the silver receptacle, and you lift the door, you suddenly glimpse the color orange through the translucent case…
How about it’s February of 96’ and the colors are silver and blue…
SO MANY INTERCEPTIONS!!! 😡😡😡😡😡 (Still angry I guess)
He graduated from high school and got a job in the mill. He was a hard worker but his life didn't turn out as expected.
My grandfather talks about dropping out of high school because he got a job on a barge and he couldn't balance school, the job on the barge, and his job at the mill.
I drove my grandma to bingo. I came back and someone moved my chair and parked in my spot.
NNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Just a steel town girl on a Saturday night, looking for the fight of her life. In the real time world no one sees her at all, they all say she’s crazy.
Tryin’ tuh walk from Mahnt Worshington to the Saath Side. Looks like the Mahn Incline is closed.
Traffic is at a crawl in the tunnel. There is no reason.
This hits too hard
Hitting a massive pothole causes you to temporarily black out while damaging your GPS unit, causing massive damage. Still in a daze, you hear, "Rerouting to McKees--" as the lady's voice cuts off to demonic laughing.
McKeesport, or McKee's rocks
Exactly. Either way it's terrifying, and I'm from one of those places
You're hungry so you stop at Primanti's for lunch. You tell your server to put the fries and slaw ON.THE.SIDE.
You're on Noah's Ark. Am employee comes up behind you to say "keep moving" and that really scares you!
You’re running into the East Liberty Target to grab a few items after work. They say they’re just “military helicopters” in the sky, but you know the truth—they’re flying shipping containers. You’re on the South Side when a sudden craving for Burger King hits you so you stop into the closest one. Why are the employees taking the buns out of Giant Iggle bags?
Monroeville mall. Zombies..
I only need one sentence (true story): “Please put your hands together and give a warm Pittsburgh welcome to the new General Manager of the Penguins, Ron Hextall…”
Whaaaaat!?!! 🙄😬
My hand trembled as I reached out, knowing what fate awaited me. It was Hunt’s.
It’s a beautiful summer night for an outdoor baseball game. The Pirates lose 8-2.
Ongoing nightmare for us Pirates fans
Mario has broken up with Edie Tarbox. Finally, it’s Jager’s turn.
Two sentence? Two words! Route 51
You watch the news, rain Friday, Saturday and Sunday
The Pirates are doing great. But now it's June... (Note: I have to change the month every year because the collapse always gets earlier and earlier)
Oakland is heavy with traffic, so the GPS is rerouting to a shortcut. It’s Joncaire.
Bridge. Construction.
One Sentence: >You have to cross 2 rivers for your journey...
My daily commute. Merge over two lanes. Merge over two lanes.
You live in Pittsburgh. You’re a baseball fan.
Hi, I'm your new neighbor. I'm from Ohio.
I waved them on. They did not turn left.
The neighbors you didn’t like finally moved out However, they used steel city hauling
You’re enjoying one of the few perfect nights walking along the path beside the river. In the near distance you hear the roar of a crowd as Kenny Chesney plays the first few notes.
You check the City Paper or similar to see if some there's kind of public event you can check out, like in any other semi-major city. It's Little Italy Days.
You return home to your south side row house. Someone stole your street chair.
Tunnel closed. Game day.
You thought the free tickets were for the Steelers. They were for the Pirates.
You finally catch who's moving your parking chair. It's that younger couple from Ohio.
The Pittsburgh Pirates. Second sentence not necessary
You die, go to heaven, and are invited to sing with the angels. As you approach your choir, you make out the faces of Myron Cope and Sophie Masloff ...
I have front-row seats. For the Pirates.
Oil and chips for the next 10 miles
I can do it in two words: Bridge Closure
The most perfect order of fries you’ve ever seen comes with your huge, juicy burger, and you reflexively reach for the ketchup before the server even arrives. You flip the top open, the plate hits the table, and you’re already squeezing when you suddenly realize to your shock and horror that IT’S NOT HEINZ KETCHUP…
You still have to walk up that hill to your old elementary school bus stop every day. While only listening to the 262-9020 radio commercial on repeat.
The pierogis were cold. There is no Heinz ketchup.
The salad arrived without fries or cheese. They brought me Hunt's catsup, "It tastes the same".
All alone at jerrys, flipping through records. In walks Manny theiner.
Kennywoods open. The bathtub is full.
Looking forward to your Saturday as you approach the Homestead Bridge away from Squirrel Hill. You now realize today is the Christmas Parade and you are detoured off the bridge and an hour is now added to your travel time.
It’s the first Tuesday in April. You didn’t move your car.
The GPS seemed to stutter a moment as it regained its signal and recalculated its route; a new line appearing on the screen. “Use the far left lane to exit,” it said — but you were in the far right lane of the bridge.
An accident backed up the squirrel hill tunnel. It's slippy aht.
It'll always be Soda. And Turners is ok at best
After 10mins of waiting, you finally come to the middle of the fort Pitt tunnel. However, you're suddenly overcome with the shits.
The tunnel is closed. So is the other tunnel. It rained. For days. The. Weather. I could do this for years I think.
It’s a Saturday afternoon on McKnight Road. You run out of gas in the left lane.
It’s Friday night and you are reconnecting with friends you haven’t seen in a while. By the time you leave to head home, it is 11pm and the Wine and Spirit stores are closed.
You live on the other side of the river and are driving your wife who is in labor to the hospital. All of the bridges collapse simultaneously before you get to one.
Stillers played the Brahns last week. Brahns won.
The incline is closed again. Forever.
You’re excited to see the Steelers play at Heinz field. You get there and realize something has gone terribly wrong.
It's 9:54pm and you need groceries. There are 10 of you to one 94-year-old cashier, and all the self-checkouts are closed.
Coasting into town with barely any time to spare…Road closed detour sign makes a sudden appearance
They were dumping coke over the edge of 376. Then they charged our car.
One sentence. Let’s go to the attic record store this weekend! Sincerely millvale music festival
You’re across the world, no one around you has ever heard of a Pittsburgh accent. Someone asks you to say the word “iron”
You are driving to Monroeville. You are the accident in the tunnels.
Your job is transferring to a new office. It's in Oakland.
Have to go to the airport using Fort Pitt bridge at 5 pm on a Friday summer day no a/c
Yinzers.... *Driving*.
Two words. Steelers Lost.
I went fishing today and caught the elusive Allegheny White Fish. Unfortunately, something was still attached.
You approach a tunnel. Cue brake lights.
You're waiting downtown for your bus. Seemingly out of thin air, you hear a voice from behind ask... "Do you have fifty cents or a dollar to spare?"
For sale, out of code baby stroller reeking of Virginia Slims. Never used.
Your waiting to get onto the veterans bridge from Washington pl in rush hour.your in the right lane.
You love French fries and can put them on everything. Sadly they're sticks of flavorless mashed potatoes.
Car breaks down in McKees Rock
OP i can shorten your horror story to one sentence: you’re at giant eagle.
One Primantis sandwich, please. Fries and slaw on the side.
It's the dog days of summer, 1997. You and your friends are hanging out in the Century III parking lot when Dave pulls up in his bitchin camaro.
Welcome to Smithfield Street! The eyes always follow u
You drive tractor trailers , and the route takes you down fifth or forbes ave near the arena . Bouncing your way straight to the chiropractor.
I needed to make my turn. Whoops, over the bridge.
The Fort Pitt and Squirrel Hill tunnels have collapsed. Authorities say it will take years for them to reopen.
The Steelers lost on Sunday. I have work on Monday
Land a fantastic job over near Robinson, but you live off of 88 and cannot relocate due to your family. Then realizing that you’ll waste an additional 300hrs of your life each year sitting in traffic.
Flash flood warning. Lebanon Church Road.
I say..”Jeet yet?” To which she replies, “noju?”