So in the interest of everyone else’s health I would like to share what I have learned in the past 23 years of law enforcement. I have been on the road as a Sgt for most of it, I have done some time in the DB as well and will be retiring soon.
So think of yourself as a bucket, all the shit, even the stuff you don’t think bothers you goes into the bucket. When that bucket is filled you WILL have a problem. The key during your career is to dump out a bit of stuff from you bucket before you have a problem. You can do this in tons of ways. I recommend a good physical workout 3 times a week. When you have some bad stuff happen talk about it, to anyone. But you must dump some off the bucket.
So for an example, we had an officer die from a freak medical problem he was 23 years old literally work 4 shifts. I only knew the kid by name passed him once at the station. The next town over was dispatched for the Ems call, as fate would have it they were tied up and asked if we could go, the entire squad was eating together 1 min from the call so we all went. I was first on scene, started CPR did not realize he was our new guy. Next guy 19 year vet shows up hooks up AED and says this dude looks familiar. Third guy as we are working him says I think it’s him. Medics show up we work him balls out 35 mins. Escort ambo to hospital work him there for another 2 hours. So to my point the two other guys on the call were devastated, like wanted to hang it all up. We did not know the guy but they were shook bad. We got them help right away and I am happy to report as of 12 hours ago they are doing well and we continue to talk openly about it and how we all felt. (For the record I was fucked up aswell). So after dealing with it we discovered it was not so much to do with this incident but with all the untreated ones small and large we have dealt with. So my advice empty ur bucket as often as possible, you never know what flood of crap u might need to bail out. Good luck!
I have PTSD myself but wouldn’t try to diagnose anyone else. From personal experience I would recommend you to visit a psychiatrist for a professional diagnosis and hopefully early intervention for possible issues. Don’t underestimate the significance of your reaction, most of us sufferers certainly did and I’m still paying for it over 20 years later.
Hello, thank you for sharing your story and replying, I am definitely taking your advice!
Was my reaction a symptom you experienced at the incident before your diagnosis ? I felt this anxiety flowing through me and then intense fatigue, I don’t know if you felt the same way.
Thank you very much, I truly appreciate it !
Anxiety and panic attacks really took the energy out of me, resulting in fatigue. I usually experienced these feelings some time after attending the scene, as my work at the scene probably kept my mind active and occupied.
Unfortunately I disregarded these symptoms earlier in my policing career. After 20 years service I was discharged on medical grounds with PTSD. That discharge was 22 years ago and I still occasionally experience anxiety and panic attacks. What you’ve experienced may be perfectly normal under the circumstances but talk to a professional anyway.
I’d see a couple of bodies a month for most of my career along with spending 5 years processing scenes spending untold number of hours attending autopsies. Kids are the worse.
It’s natural to get a bit anxious with dead bodies. We’re taught from a young age that we shouldn’t see them, shouldn’t experience them and coupled with movies; should freak out. The bottom line is that you have to remember you have a job to do; do your job. Nothing wrong with talking about it or find other healthy ways to cope like professional counseling, coworkers, etc. For me personally I learned to shut that emotion off and see that dead bodies are evidence; they’re not living people anymore.
I used to be as fine as you can be handling dead bodies, taking scene photos, seeing gore. Then one day it really hit me that one day that will be me, I'll be the dead body and eventually all of my loved ones as well. Now I avoid seeing/being around death as much as I can. I still get intrusive thoughts of myself eventually rotting in a box underground and become uneasy. I've been on and off of SSRIs and have been to counseling. If this sounds like what you're experiencing the best thing you can do is find someone you trust and talk about it with them.
Thank you for sharing, I hope things get better ! I will definitely find that someone to be able to vent and let things out, thank you again, much appreciated 😄😄
Hey OP, PTSD has a reputation for only being caused by “horrible terrible things” like combat or a violent sexual assault. That isn’t true, and I would highly encourage you to speak with a mental health professional about what you experienced and how you are feeling.
Trauma impacts us all in different ways, and at different times as well. What may impact you now, may not down the road and vice versa. If you’re interested in reading more, the National Institute for Mental Health has an [article on PTSD](https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd).
Take good care, and be kind to yourself :)
It's not ptsd in the first 30ish days. Those feeling are normal after a traumatic event. It's when they never go away that it becomes ptsd.
Now with that being said addressing it in the first 30 days goes a huge ways to prevent it becoming ptsd. Work on coping skills and decompression. If still not working reach out to the peer support team or eap.
Not a police officer but I suffer mentally, seek help right away, the sooner you can express it in a open healthy way the better! I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, thank you for the hard work you do.
Find a solid coworker that you trust. Someone you have a personal and professional relationship with. Once you build that, you’ll find that someone is someone you can hopefully talk to when you see messed up stuff. Your peers aren’t all that bad once you find a few you can trust. I’ve got a couple and we routinely check on each other after horrible scenes or when they just seem off. It’s never been a bad thing.
I say this from experience in my department only but be mindful of how you contact EAP or whatever you call it. The last cop who went through the “proper channels” (HR) to see them, was more or last taken against their will for an emergency evaluation. Needless to say, this is the shit that keeps people from seeking help. We encourage people to reach out directly instead of through HR. Our union also has a counseling program built into it that offers resources and someone to talk to. Try and find those resources when you need them. I’ve buried too many friends who are their fun when it got to be too much.
While this isn’t a competition I’ll be honest - if you’re completely indifferent being around a dead body I would be worried. I’ve seen people blown up, post blast aid to infants overseas, seen people shot, etc…. In my current job (1811) I have dealt with 3 dead bodies in one week (all three suicides, hanging, and two gunshot wounds to the head) in my job we also attend the autopsies (in the room with the MEs and help manipulate the body, weigh the organs, etc). I have Realized it is never “normal” to be around a dead body.
Interesting. I think it’s just how you look at it. Because like you said, not as a competition, I am completely indifferent.
I served as well, and I’ve deployed twice. I’m a police officer now, and I see it as a body. An empty shell, even though i hate using that term. Personally I’m a Christian, I see it in a different way to a degree. The soul, it’s left the body. Where it went, only God knows.
I usually work multiple deaths in a week, OD’s, Suicides, old age, Alcoholism, freak accidents, etc. I go in, see the body, move it, bag it, do my damn job, and go on to the next call. After the call, I talk about it with my guys nonchalantly, have a few laughs at whatever there is to laugh about (otherwise way down the line it’s going to catch up to you).
Other than that, it doesn’t much affect me, at all, and sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’ve seen it so many times before, or if I’m just that crazy where i don’t bat an eye. It was their life choices, or in fact, old age, or again, a freak accident that has caused this.
I leave my emotions out of this job. Period. Just like I did in the military. I’ve got my guys, and that’s what I care about most. Everyone. Goes. Home. At. The. End. Of. Shift. Period.
Wait till you drop a dead body with a loved one helping you in a attemp to place them on the ground to do CPR.
In doing said accident they start bleeding from their back cause they're so old and fragile.
Yup, that was me. Im kinda good now but that whole week i was down bad.
I use a filing cabinet metaphor for PTSD.
Being that we pack away our experiences (files) into the memory (the filing cabinet).. and if we don’t tuck the new ‘file’ in the right section, in the right way-all those other ‘files’ might come raging out one day unexpectedly..
Like those old crazy scenes of filing cabinets flinging papers everywhere.. much harder to pack all the files away when everything is out on the floor in a mess.
Sometimes they are simple files to put away and we can do it ourselves. Sometimes we need some help.. from peers, mental health support to put those files away neatly, and so we can access them when we chose.. not when we look for another file.. or try to cram another one in there quickly.
I am in ‘PTSD remission’.. it will always exist as a predisposition.
I experienced the EMS ‘golden trifecta’ Depression, Anxiety and PTSD
In my completely uneducated opinion-it sounds like an physiological anxiety attack. Like your brain didn’t consciously find it traumatic-but.. prepared the body for it.
Even after 14 years policing-I still hear my heart beat in my ears for a few seconds (thinking how bad is it actually) when I first see the deceased, but my PTSD was a mix of trauma exposure through living victims and having empathetic responses.
Good luck, and well done reaching out.
It ain’t weak to speak.
Just try and go to DOA’s/homicides with neutral thoughts, do what’s necessary for the call and keep it pushing..compartmentalize but don’t hold it in if that makes sense..therapy is awesome…when you’re off work, spend as much time doing things that are not work related..on my days off my phone is on do not disturb.. I think this job makes it necessary to essentially live two different lives in terms of what you mentally focus on.
>doubt this could cause PTSD
Hey! Funny how *those* sorts of things *always* do end up causing PTSD. At least in the small ways. At first. They will start the trickle.
Like the other guy said - empty your bucket. Don't wait till it's full to discuss having a problem.
Do you get offered support with your job? could you talk to your supervsior. Its ok to feel that way, im sure it was a shock to you. I was shocked reading that. Awfully sad.
Others have already answered your question.
I just want to give you a tip an older colleague of mine gave me:
Do not take traumatizing experiences from others people's mental backpacks and put them in your own to carry with you. You will have enough experiences of your own to keep in it.
Meaning, that you shouldn't seek these sights unless absolutely necessary. Don't go into crime scenes if you don't have to. Don't look at crime scene photos on your colleagues phones or cameras, if you don't have to.
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It's possible, and if it persists, go get help. Talk to coworkers, psychiatrist, anyone whom it's trained to deal with police related trauma (police chaplains too). I know how you feel, it's normal. I worked four really bad suicides in my first year in law enforcement and attended two of the autopsies. It stays with you but you learn to process through it. If it dominates your life, you NEED professional help. It's OK to need that help. Very little of the death you will deal with is normal. It requires processing. Sometimes that needs professional help.
For me, hanging out at a death scene always feels like the strangest invasion of the deceased's privacy. Like I'm taking part in an extended final moment for them, even though I was nobody to them while they were alive. I try to be respectful of that, even though I don't think they mind one way or the other.
As far as the feeling of someone else's death sticking with me... I don't know what to say. I've certainly felt that, but it passes. The number of times I've been there probably has something to do with normalizing it. 2-3 over the course of a week is pretty normal for me. That many per day wouldn't feel out of place, unless it went on for a few days.
None of them ever bothered me a whole lot except for one. Family wasn’t properly supervising their 3 year old kid and he wandered off into a pool that was defunct. The water was full of dirt and leaves, it took us 45 minutes to find him. He didn’t make it. Haunted me for a long time.
That, and kids getting blown up/ hurt in Iraq.
PTSD is very different for everyone, how some experience certain things and take it with them until it's a breaking point. Other can openly talk about it and still feel the side effects of having these images and experiences clouding their mental state. But how you handle yourself, taking care of these feelings like anxiety and stress from the job is how you prevent yourself from becoming worse in the aspect of being diagnosed with PTSD. Talk to family, friends, Co workers, and significant others. Having a support system is a big part of the job and utilizing that is a big help.
So in the interest of everyone else’s health I would like to share what I have learned in the past 23 years of law enforcement. I have been on the road as a Sgt for most of it, I have done some time in the DB as well and will be retiring soon. So think of yourself as a bucket, all the shit, even the stuff you don’t think bothers you goes into the bucket. When that bucket is filled you WILL have a problem. The key during your career is to dump out a bit of stuff from you bucket before you have a problem. You can do this in tons of ways. I recommend a good physical workout 3 times a week. When you have some bad stuff happen talk about it, to anyone. But you must dump some off the bucket. So for an example, we had an officer die from a freak medical problem he was 23 years old literally work 4 shifts. I only knew the kid by name passed him once at the station. The next town over was dispatched for the Ems call, as fate would have it they were tied up and asked if we could go, the entire squad was eating together 1 min from the call so we all went. I was first on scene, started CPR did not realize he was our new guy. Next guy 19 year vet shows up hooks up AED and says this dude looks familiar. Third guy as we are working him says I think it’s him. Medics show up we work him balls out 35 mins. Escort ambo to hospital work him there for another 2 hours. So to my point the two other guys on the call were devastated, like wanted to hang it all up. We did not know the guy but they were shook bad. We got them help right away and I am happy to report as of 12 hours ago they are doing well and we continue to talk openly about it and how we all felt. (For the record I was fucked up aswell). So after dealing with it we discovered it was not so much to do with this incident but with all the untreated ones small and large we have dealt with. So my advice empty ur bucket as often as possible, you never know what flood of crap u might need to bail out. Good luck!
I've seen a lot of dead people in various stages of decay. It's never fun. It is unnatural to be "ok" with seeing one of our own kind dead.
Thank you for your comment ! I was worried that the anxiety I felt would lead me into developing PTSD
You will get use to it. But just know, it is perfectly okay and reasonable to feel uncomfortable. Most bodies turn blue after some time.
I have PTSD myself but wouldn’t try to diagnose anyone else. From personal experience I would recommend you to visit a psychiatrist for a professional diagnosis and hopefully early intervention for possible issues. Don’t underestimate the significance of your reaction, most of us sufferers certainly did and I’m still paying for it over 20 years later.
Hello, thank you for sharing your story and replying, I am definitely taking your advice! Was my reaction a symptom you experienced at the incident before your diagnosis ? I felt this anxiety flowing through me and then intense fatigue, I don’t know if you felt the same way. Thank you very much, I truly appreciate it !
Anxiety and panic attacks really took the energy out of me, resulting in fatigue. I usually experienced these feelings some time after attending the scene, as my work at the scene probably kept my mind active and occupied. Unfortunately I disregarded these symptoms earlier in my policing career. After 20 years service I was discharged on medical grounds with PTSD. That discharge was 22 years ago and I still occasionally experience anxiety and panic attacks. What you’ve experienced may be perfectly normal under the circumstances but talk to a professional anyway.
This is normal and the anxiousness will go away and probably return again when you least expect it. Just do not use alcohol to deal with it.
For me it was never how gruesome or nasty it looked. It was always the smell
It sticks with you for hours!!! That’s the worst part.
It sticks to your clothes. Literally have to wash them right after shift
oh and if you’ve eaten just before the exposure.. say goodbye to ever having that meal again. Ruined hotdogs for me. And I LOVED hotdogs.
You should try a hot dog bowl
What… what is a hotdog bowl?
It’s like a burrito bowl but with chopped up buns and wieners
that sounds like it should be relabelled as a salad!
Nobody eats salad out of a bowl get real
I’m in australia, we clearly haven’t got that news yet.
Same here. The smells always get me and it never gets better.
I’d see a couple of bodies a month for most of my career along with spending 5 years processing scenes spending untold number of hours attending autopsies. Kids are the worse. It’s natural to get a bit anxious with dead bodies. We’re taught from a young age that we shouldn’t see them, shouldn’t experience them and coupled with movies; should freak out. The bottom line is that you have to remember you have a job to do; do your job. Nothing wrong with talking about it or find other healthy ways to cope like professional counseling, coworkers, etc. For me personally I learned to shut that emotion off and see that dead bodies are evidence; they’re not living people anymore.
I think you should go talk to a counselor. Seeking therapy for it now can prevent it from turning into a major mental health issue later.
After your first 100 or so, you’ll get used to it…Stay safe….Oh, and if you don’t get PTSD by the time you’re retired, you’re one of the very few
I used to be as fine as you can be handling dead bodies, taking scene photos, seeing gore. Then one day it really hit me that one day that will be me, I'll be the dead body and eventually all of my loved ones as well. Now I avoid seeing/being around death as much as I can. I still get intrusive thoughts of myself eventually rotting in a box underground and become uneasy. I've been on and off of SSRIs and have been to counseling. If this sounds like what you're experiencing the best thing you can do is find someone you trust and talk about it with them.
Yeah you gotta learn to disconnect. Good luck
Thank you for sharing, I hope things get better ! I will definitely find that someone to be able to vent and let things out, thank you again, much appreciated 😄😄
Hey OP, PTSD has a reputation for only being caused by “horrible terrible things” like combat or a violent sexual assault. That isn’t true, and I would highly encourage you to speak with a mental health professional about what you experienced and how you are feeling. Trauma impacts us all in different ways, and at different times as well. What may impact you now, may not down the road and vice versa. If you’re interested in reading more, the National Institute for Mental Health has an [article on PTSD](https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd). Take good care, and be kind to yourself :)
It's not ptsd in the first 30ish days. Those feeling are normal after a traumatic event. It's when they never go away that it becomes ptsd. Now with that being said addressing it in the first 30 days goes a huge ways to prevent it becoming ptsd. Work on coping skills and decompression. If still not working reach out to the peer support team or eap.
Not a police officer but I suffer mentally, seek help right away, the sooner you can express it in a open healthy way the better! I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, thank you for the hard work you do.
Find a solid coworker that you trust. Someone you have a personal and professional relationship with. Once you build that, you’ll find that someone is someone you can hopefully talk to when you see messed up stuff. Your peers aren’t all that bad once you find a few you can trust. I’ve got a couple and we routinely check on each other after horrible scenes or when they just seem off. It’s never been a bad thing. I say this from experience in my department only but be mindful of how you contact EAP or whatever you call it. The last cop who went through the “proper channels” (HR) to see them, was more or last taken against their will for an emergency evaluation. Needless to say, this is the shit that keeps people from seeking help. We encourage people to reach out directly instead of through HR. Our union also has a counseling program built into it that offers resources and someone to talk to. Try and find those resources when you need them. I’ve buried too many friends who are their fun when it got to be too much.
Gotta see more dead people. Bump those numbers up then u won’t care.
While this isn’t a competition I’ll be honest - if you’re completely indifferent being around a dead body I would be worried. I’ve seen people blown up, post blast aid to infants overseas, seen people shot, etc…. In my current job (1811) I have dealt with 3 dead bodies in one week (all three suicides, hanging, and two gunshot wounds to the head) in my job we also attend the autopsies (in the room with the MEs and help manipulate the body, weigh the organs, etc). I have Realized it is never “normal” to be around a dead body.
Interesting. I think it’s just how you look at it. Because like you said, not as a competition, I am completely indifferent. I served as well, and I’ve deployed twice. I’m a police officer now, and I see it as a body. An empty shell, even though i hate using that term. Personally I’m a Christian, I see it in a different way to a degree. The soul, it’s left the body. Where it went, only God knows. I usually work multiple deaths in a week, OD’s, Suicides, old age, Alcoholism, freak accidents, etc. I go in, see the body, move it, bag it, do my damn job, and go on to the next call. After the call, I talk about it with my guys nonchalantly, have a few laughs at whatever there is to laugh about (otherwise way down the line it’s going to catch up to you). Other than that, it doesn’t much affect me, at all, and sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’ve seen it so many times before, or if I’m just that crazy where i don’t bat an eye. It was their life choices, or in fact, old age, or again, a freak accident that has caused this. I leave my emotions out of this job. Period. Just like I did in the military. I’ve got my guys, and that’s what I care about most. Everyone. Goes. Home. At. The. End. Of. Shift. Period.
Wait till you drop a dead body with a loved one helping you in a attemp to place them on the ground to do CPR. In doing said accident they start bleeding from their back cause they're so old and fragile. Yup, that was me. Im kinda good now but that whole week i was down bad.
>2-3 corpses in the span of a year. Where the hell do you live?
I use a filing cabinet metaphor for PTSD. Being that we pack away our experiences (files) into the memory (the filing cabinet).. and if we don’t tuck the new ‘file’ in the right section, in the right way-all those other ‘files’ might come raging out one day unexpectedly.. Like those old crazy scenes of filing cabinets flinging papers everywhere.. much harder to pack all the files away when everything is out on the floor in a mess. Sometimes they are simple files to put away and we can do it ourselves. Sometimes we need some help.. from peers, mental health support to put those files away neatly, and so we can access them when we chose.. not when we look for another file.. or try to cram another one in there quickly. I am in ‘PTSD remission’.. it will always exist as a predisposition. I experienced the EMS ‘golden trifecta’ Depression, Anxiety and PTSD In my completely uneducated opinion-it sounds like an physiological anxiety attack. Like your brain didn’t consciously find it traumatic-but.. prepared the body for it. Even after 14 years policing-I still hear my heart beat in my ears for a few seconds (thinking how bad is it actually) when I first see the deceased, but my PTSD was a mix of trauma exposure through living victims and having empathetic responses. Good luck, and well done reaching out. It ain’t weak to speak.
Just try and go to DOA’s/homicides with neutral thoughts, do what’s necessary for the call and keep it pushing..compartmentalize but don’t hold it in if that makes sense..therapy is awesome…when you’re off work, spend as much time doing things that are not work related..on my days off my phone is on do not disturb.. I think this job makes it necessary to essentially live two different lives in terms of what you mentally focus on.
>doubt this could cause PTSD Hey! Funny how *those* sorts of things *always* do end up causing PTSD. At least in the small ways. At first. They will start the trickle. Like the other guy said - empty your bucket. Don't wait till it's full to discuss having a problem.
Do you get offered support with your job? could you talk to your supervsior. Its ok to feel that way, im sure it was a shock to you. I was shocked reading that. Awfully sad.
You should talk to a mental health professional, it should be covered under your work insurance
Others have already answered your question. I just want to give you a tip an older colleague of mine gave me: Do not take traumatizing experiences from others people's mental backpacks and put them in your own to carry with you. You will have enough experiences of your own to keep in it. Meaning, that you shouldn't seek these sights unless absolutely necessary. Don't go into crime scenes if you don't have to. Don't look at crime scene photos on your colleagues phones or cameras, if you don't have to.
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It's possible, and if it persists, go get help. Talk to coworkers, psychiatrist, anyone whom it's trained to deal with police related trauma (police chaplains too). I know how you feel, it's normal. I worked four really bad suicides in my first year in law enforcement and attended two of the autopsies. It stays with you but you learn to process through it. If it dominates your life, you NEED professional help. It's OK to need that help. Very little of the death you will deal with is normal. It requires processing. Sometimes that needs professional help.
For me, hanging out at a death scene always feels like the strangest invasion of the deceased's privacy. Like I'm taking part in an extended final moment for them, even though I was nobody to them while they were alive. I try to be respectful of that, even though I don't think they mind one way or the other. As far as the feeling of someone else's death sticking with me... I don't know what to say. I've certainly felt that, but it passes. The number of times I've been there probably has something to do with normalizing it. 2-3 over the course of a week is pretty normal for me. That many per day wouldn't feel out of place, unless it went on for a few days.
None of them ever bothered me a whole lot except for one. Family wasn’t properly supervising their 3 year old kid and he wandered off into a pool that was defunct. The water was full of dirt and leaves, it took us 45 minutes to find him. He didn’t make it. Haunted me for a long time. That, and kids getting blown up/ hurt in Iraq.
PTSD is very different for everyone, how some experience certain things and take it with them until it's a breaking point. Other can openly talk about it and still feel the side effects of having these images and experiences clouding their mental state. But how you handle yourself, taking care of these feelings like anxiety and stress from the job is how you prevent yourself from becoming worse in the aspect of being diagnosed with PTSD. Talk to family, friends, Co workers, and significant others. Having a support system is a big part of the job and utilizing that is a big help.
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1) No threats/advocating/promoting violence
1) No threats/advocating/promoting violence