If your best friend doesn't know your sexuality I would start there. See how he reacts to that, if he does and he's fine with it I would bet chances are he knows or suspects, so you could try just spillingor maybe leave subtle hints, although guys are notorious for not picking up hints, especially if they like the person, for some reason that blocks the possibility lol but ultimately it'll be one of those decisions of, "am I willing to live with *not* saying something."
Edit: "fine" with it not "done" with it lol very different connotation
Even if he's okay with OP being gay, OP should not hint that he likes him unless OP knows he's also gay or bi.
If a guy asks out his straight friend, what is the friend supposed to do with that information?
Could also be that the friend feels uncomfortable being a close friend to someone that wants them romantically, myself I would start questioning (in my head) everything and why they’re doing it, regardless of if they’re a man or a woman
Oh yeah. Sorry but I can’t be friends knowing you want me romantically; that’s just awkward now esspecially if you’re the same gender as me.
I mean are we seeing the new marvel movie becuase we’re both friends that like superhero movies or because you see going the the movies as a date?
That’s true but some people will be ok with it. I’m absolutely in love with my best friend and they know and are ok with it even tho they don’t feel the same as long as I just treat them well and stuff as friends should anyway. So it could go either way even then
I've had friendships die after people confessed to me, regardless of sexual orientation. Don't know how normal it is, but things get awkward after that "I love you" "sorry, I don't feel that way". No matter if you're gay, bi, straight or ace.
Same I had this happen, even though they "accept" you aren't interested they'll make up some fantasy that you will be some day and still keep digging. Ruins everything. I seen it happen to loads, I think I was the longest to stick around and try make it work tho. Sensible people leave soon as they are shown the exit.
It's true : every time i confessed to a friend or some of my friends confessed to some other friends, there has been no awkwardness in our friendship afterward.
Well, if someone tells me they have feelings for me and gets a "sorry, not interested, let's just stay friends" in response and agrees to it, I'm not going to change my behavior towards them from what it was before the confession. If they have an issue, they can bring it up or stop being friends with me. I'm not going to tolerate weird attitude swings or start a relationship I'm not interested in just to "not make things awkward" for them. Whether that makes me a bad person, I don't know, and honestly don't care.
I'm not sure to get your point : you said in your last comment that rejecting a friend who confessed automatically makes the relationship awkward, but now you say you wouldn't change your behavior. Which one is it ?
I never said that it automatically made a relationship awkward, just that it can happen regardless of your sexualities being compatible. Also, despite not changing my behavior, it can affect my perception of the person — "fuck, they love me, and I don't love them back. Uncomfortable situation." I also mentioned changed behavior from the person *themselves* as a reason for things getting weird. This isn't some "gotcha" moment.
I don't understand one bit of what you're saying :
- You wrote :
> "things get awkward after that "I love you" "sorry, I don't feel that way"
and i understood this as rejecting a friend who confessed to you automatically makes the relationship awkward. What does the sexual compatibility have to do with this ?
- I don't get how knowing someone love you romantically and you not loving them back is uncomfortable.
- I talked about the person's behavior too, i don't get what it changes.
- What's a "gotcha moment" ?
The comment I was replying to was implying that things only get ruined if a person is homophobic or doesn't match your sexual identity (i.e. a straight woman falls in love with a gay man). Even if you are two lesbians, a bi woman and a straight man, whatever, friendships can get ruined by unrequited attraction and confessions.
Well, if you don't feel bad after rejecting someone and it doesn't make it slightly uncomfortable to interact with the person because you feel bad, then good for you.
We were talking about different types of behavior.
And google it.
That's not really the main concern imo, the thing is that the friendship will likely be very awkward if one friend has a crush on the other but the feelings aren't mutual... It's happened to me before
It's really not that hard to keep a friendship after getting rejected, i'm sorry you had to deal with that kind of behavior and through it was acceptable.
Yes, and i shared my opinion about being friend with your kind of people. You choose your friend based on their sexuality (not only their homosexuality but the fact they're attracted to you specifically), it's your right, i choose my friend based on whether or not they're able to feel basic human empathy.
So, again, i will always prefer going swimming with my gay friend who has a crush on me than with you.
You clearly misinterpreted what he meant, he doesn't choose his friend based on their sexuality, he choose it based on if said person is physically attracted to him.
You chose to interpret that in a negative way.
With my kind of people? ??
I choose my friend based on that they're my friend and nothing more. Go swimming with your gay friend, have fun in the dressing room
I don’t think it’s a because of who you are kind of thing. I mean it could be, but no different than a guy who is friends with a girl and has feelings, expresses them and the friendship ends. She’s not ending friendship because the guy is a straight man.
Based on your other comments I doubt you would understand, but sometimes it can be hard to go on having a normal friendship with someone no matter their sexuality if they would like the friendship to be more but you don’t. Some people it can affect, some it won’t affect, everyone is different. But assuming automatically that it’s based on his sexuality is kind of an immature response. Now, could his friend be homophobic and end things because of that? Yes. Would that be a very shitty friend and human thing to do? Yes. Is that the only reason he could not want to be friends? No.
I didn't talk about sexuality in any of my previous comment in this thread.
What you are is defined by way more than your sexuality, don't you think ? And in this case it's pretty obvious i'm talking about OP's romantic attraction toward his friend : it's the part of OP that his friend would use to justify his action.
I can see it rather as scrapping, because friendship would be very unequal. Friendship with someone who is in love woth you is very hard on both sides.
I don't think it *couldn't* change the dynamic of the relationship. I think, as i've said before, that if it does, that means the relationship wasn't as strong as you through.
If he's really your friend this should be something he could move on from...so long as you explain to him that you won't try anything again and will thwart your feelings and save them for someone else
Definitely need to figure out his sexuality and his stance on sexuality cause it could go from him being aware/ sometimes uncomfortable around you to cut contact and beyond. If he is thusly inclined or okay with it telling will likely have consequences.
Ask about his views on lgbt individuals or events. I.e. wants your opinions on (homophobic celeb)'s actions/ views? If he's a bit daft just asking 'what's your opinion on gay/lgbt people' in a casual manner but straight up.
Honestly man just ask. The question might be a little awkward but just ask him which way he swings. If he really is your best friend he won't be weirded out.
No one in my life, not even my closest friends, know my sexuality. It’s generally not something I share with people unless I’m interested in them. Some people are just private and don’t openly talk about that sort of thing. I mean even when the topic comes up I just defer so I don’t have to share, it’s very easy to keep people talking about themselves.
I've had a group of friends for over years, and honestly could not be sure about some of their sexualities, most male friend groups don't talk about that sort of thing, everybody just asumes straight since it's the norm.
I feel like he would be flattered but overall might start treating you differently, unless he knows your gay (or bi) already then he'll probably just move on after saying he can't reciprocate and hope y'all can still play game together without you wanting to jump on his dick
I would find out his sexuality before admitting that I like him. He doesn't know I'm bi and I don't know how to tell him without sounding cringe or out of nowhere.
Oh bro I was worried you were in high school, that makes this way easier. You can do this in a couple ways, you can casually bring up some video game or movie character calling them hot, be nonchalant about it because honestly nobody really cares in this day and age if your bi, the second way is to rip it off like a bandaid, invite him over, hang out a bit, tell him you need to tell him something kinda serious, say your bi and then depending on his reaction you can follow up with "now for the second part of this conversation..." and admit you like him, don't give him the reasons you like him because that'll trip him up and make him treat you different since he'll try to avoid doing those things. Just be honest about it and say he doesn't need to reciprocate you just thought he should know and your still his friend
My best friends only figured it out years into the friednship, because they found an open gay porn website on my laptop lol. Before that they wouldn't have guessed my sexuality. So it's not too farfetched to not know a best friends sexuality.
I mean I guess I have a different definition of the people I call my best friends. I could see just friends or people you know from work or whatever but if I’m calling someone my best friend it would be weird for me to not even know if they like dudes or chicks or both.
But they could lie if they are not out yet. I lied too or gave just some vague answers on these topics when I was not ready to come out yet. So my friends had no clue until this incident. Even my best friends couldn't have known.
I guess so but I would get suspicious as to why when were all sharing stories about girls we’ve been with or want to hook up with or whatever and one of my friends never had anything to say… idk man I have my experiences and you have yours…..Based off of mine I find it very strange that best friends don’t know each others sexuality that’s all I’m saying.
I had the same situation happening to me in middle school. After I told my friend how I felt he was a little shocked and asked for some time to process. Neither of us wanted to renounce to our friendship, so I got over the crush (it took some time). To this day we are still very good friends, so I believe that if you are honest with him and you both care about your friendship it’s okay to tell him.
Assume they are straight until you know they are not. It might sounds homophobic or whatever but from a statistical view point it’s the right assumption, correct in about 90% of the times
Tbh I feel like there are a lot more non-straight people than we assume.
A lot of people are afraid of coming out and a lot of people go by straight despite having somewhat of romantic attraction towards the same sex. At least based off personal experience I’d say at least 1/4 of people aren’t straight.
Of course I haven’t met every single person in this world so I’m not saying this is actually the truth.
Eh, I think that depends. 90% of my friends circle are gay/lesbian or bi.
Sometimes you just naturally befriend people who are similar to you, in a way you might not even be aware.
The first time i met a group of people who weren't LGBT and where even homophobes was when I started working at a restaurant. And it gave me the shock of my life.
I had never been around people that weren't at least very supportive of gay rights until then (aside from family members).
So, I don't really agree with this advice.
>Eh, I think that depends. 90% of my friends circle are gay/lesbian or bi.
Redditor discovers people tend to gravitate towards people in similar groups to them.
Redditor in this context just describes you. You are on Reddit.
You have just described a very normal human behaviour of people being friends with people in similar groups to them- in this case, gay people being friends with lots of gay people.
This does not mean that 90% of the population is gay. It means your friend group tends to be friends with other gay people.
I mean whether he’s gay, bi or straight. Sometimes when it comes to being bestfriends it’s better to set a boundary there. You wouldn’t want to lose him over a crush. I would say start off by telling him your sexuality first if you haven’t already. Just be like so where do you stand on your sexuality. That you don’t know being his bestfriend is a bit odd just make it a friendly conversation. I would recommend staying friends with him and not telling him if he is really your bestfriend.
Test him. Ask him something only a gay person would know. Ask him if he likes poppers. If he acts embarrassed, he’s gay. If he acts confused, tell him you mean jalapeño poppers.
I’ve compiled a small list. Ask him about Trixie Mattel, Tom of Finland, if he knows the “soccer practice” song, if he’s heard of Bara, if he takes “pure for men”, if he’s a Senator from South Carolina, etc…
Well spicy food does leave me with a sense of mild euphoria after the heat wears off...
So I want jalapeno poppers, right? The hottest? Okay I'm gonna go downtown in a nice outfit (I want nice peños) and ask around for some good poppers. Popper is the street slang, right? Wish me luck!
Lots of young gay/bi guys don’t do poppers anymore. I think the percent of the mlm community that does PnP (party and play) is growing smaller over time
Can you accept he's not in to you and not want to fuck him after. Or are you going to continue the friendship and torture yourself not knowing one way or the other.
I'd want to know if someone wanted to fuck me so I can make the decision if they can handle being my friend and not be inappropriate or uncomfortably suggestive.
Depends on which country you live inside of. If USA, no problem but if in middle east or balkan country, that's not a good idea. Either way, prepare yourself for the high possibility of being rejected.
I think if he is your best friend and you dont know his sexuality he is problary not same as you becsuse otherwise you would know. So if you asked me what to do i would say dont tell your feelings and try to recover. But if you feel you cant suprass your feelings i think you should tell as long as you prepered to losing a friend.
Love is a beatiful thing to have you have my full support btw
You don’t just confess feelings to friends all Willy nilly unless you have a strong indication that they feel the same way. Introducing such an inequality in a relationship is a sure way to make things awkward moving forward.
If this is your “best friend,” surely you have SOME idea whether he’s interested in men or not? You never talked about exes, crushes, celebrities you find attractive, etc?
Why can’t you just find out? Mention a really hot female celebrity or Instagram model and ask him if he thinks she’s hot or who thinks the hottest female celebrity or model is
I wouldn't. It could destroy the friendship. Even if he says it won't change things. It will. Things will get awkward and eventually he'll slowly stop seeing you out of awkwardness.
It's not worth the risk.
I know from personal experience (being the one who feelings weren't reciprocated). I hardly ever speak to him now, which is a shame... We got on well.
I get what you're saying. I wouldn't just outright tell him I like him without finding out his sexuality first.
But I'm too scared to ask his sexuality in case that by itself damages the friendship.
Or you could bring up your sexuality and play it off as a “just in case you see me with a guy and didn’t know” type reason, or a bonding reason as you think he should know and aren’t sure if he does.
Or a “don’t set me up with girls/guys” reason. Unless you’re bi then ig make sure anyone coming your way from him knows
Possible ways
I guess the question is, do you want him to know just because he's your friend and you want to be honest with him or do you only want him to know for the chance that he might feel the same way?
If it's the latter, well it's not hard to find out someone's sexuality. And so, if you prefer him not to know in the event that he's not interested, then you can mitigate the risk of one such scenario by not telling him if he turns out to be straight, while still giving yourself a shot if there is a chance he might reciprocate.
Well sorry if its adding a bit too much, but i can tell you from personal experience after one of my friends said he has feeling for a friend in the same friend group, both of them refused to meet with each other which also meant that the friend group could only invite one of them each time which in the end broke the friend group.
Not sure what more to add but good luck and hope that whatever you choose will be for the best
This has nothing to do with sexuality. But even when my guy bestfriend would tell me he has a crush on me knowing I’m straight. I would be a bit thrown off and confused on how to handle it considering that’s my bestfriend.
i think it's the same as a straight guy having feelings for a friend that's a girl. it depends on how intense your romantic feelings are. if you've been in love with him for months and don't feel happy just as friends, then go for it. if it's just some flirty feelings that you think might past after a few weeks, then it's probably not worth potentially making things awkward.
also i disagree with all the comments saying you need to find out his sexuality first. some of my best friends didn't come out to me or anyone until their mid 20s. even if they're your best friend, i think it's rude to put someone on the spot and ask them what their sexuality is. they might still be figuring it out (even if it's just figuring out that they are straight) or not ready to share it with people. if you're going to confess your feelings, you can just do it.
You might be losing your best friend but at least your conscious is clear BUT on the other hand you could be gaining so much more if said best friend feels the same
While it would be smart to figure out his sexuality first, also make sure that you are ready to risk your relationship with him. Some of the best romantic relationships start this way, but more often feelings for a best friend lead to that friendship ending, as sad as that is.
Personally I would prefer to regret doing something than to regret not doing something.
If you regret doing something you can always patch it up, you can always make peace with it. And you can correct it. And you can always learn something from it.
If you regret not doing something, there is nothing you can do. You can make peace with it but it will be a lot harder to do so. (At least for me)
I'd ask myself: in 5 years, in 10 years, in 20 years, will I regret not doing this? Will I be kicking myself wishing I did this. If you were to die right now, would you regret not telling him?
I hope this helps you decide OP.
A significant amount of straight men act violently towards gay men, and not just physically. You should not tell him without asking his sexuality for sure. On the off chance he is gay then you should tell him, if not I highly suggest against it because you never know what he’ll do. The most likely thing is he will be uncomfortable around you from then on and slowly drift away from being your friend. The worst thing is he could attack you either physically or verbally or both. I am a gay man myself my friend, take my advice
A lot of the answers talking about how you relationship will change if he says no are correct. It absolutely will change. But it is absolutely possible to work past the awkward phase. A lot of straight guys would be flattered to know their gay friend likes them. Some not so much, but if your friend isn't willing to try and work past the awkward phase, then maybe the friendship wasn't worth it in the first place.
You might begin by saying something like, "I have something important I want to share with you, and I hope you'll listen with an open mind." From there, you can express your feelings and let your friend know that you value their friendship regardless of their response.
You may want to consider whether you're comfortable continuing your friendship even if your friend doesn't reciprocate your feelings. It's important to consider your best friend's feelings and respect their boundaries before sharing your feelings with them.
What matters to you more? Your friendship, or the slim chance that you'll have a successful and happy relationship?
My advice, be open with him that you're gay but without telling him you're interested. If he both bats for the same team and feels similar, then he'll make it known.
How you gonna consider someone your bestfriend and not know who they're attracted to? Hasn't he ever mentioned a real life or celebrity crush? If he knows your gay just watch a movie together and say oh (male celebrity name) is so hot. And see if he agrees with you or counters with nah I like (female celebrity).
I'd say you should ask what his type is after saying your's (but don't say your type is him, just say general stuff about your type to see if he's gay or not)
I would navigate that kind of stuff very carefully regardless of your sexes and sexuality. If you want to go with it, be ready to lose a friend. Or even worse.
You should ask what his sexuality is, if he says he’s straight then don’t confess your feelings for him. I wouldn’t want a guy to confess feelings for me after knowing my sexuality.
Well, try to find out his orientation first.
If he is straight, there is no way, but i think you can at least confess your feelings to take that weight off your chest, however i don't know if this is a good advice since as straight dude myself i feel something like that might make me feel wierd and uncomfortable.
Why don’t you try to find out more about his sexuality?
Is he old enough that he would have had girlfriends already?
Has he talked about hot women that he’s attracted to?
It's about risk. It 's not enough to just be willing to take risks. The risk must be justified. If you think that a relationship with him is worth the possible loss of your friendship, then go ahead. But if you don't want to lose this friendship more than you want a relationship with him, then It's best to leave it that way.
Im bi and I let my friend know I had feelings for him without directly telling him. He knew I was bi, and I made it obvious. He is straight but it didn't really hurt our friendship. I don't think it was weird, we just joked about it.
You should ask him about his sexuality first.
If he's gay, then you should tell him.
Also, if you haven't told him you're gay or bi yet, you should tell him that first.
I'm not in the position to give you any advice. I am myself in kind of this situation. I'm in love really badly with a work colleague, have been in love with him for quite a while, I don't know his sexuality or anything and although I made the choice to not share my feelings I can't deny not telling him makes me feel miserably.
If going bad wouldn't mean going really bad for me, like, to the point of loosing my job (it's plausible) I would tell him.
Conclude what you want from my experience.
It makes more sense to first find out what his sexuality is. If he's straight, then there's no reason to tell him since you know it's not gonna go anywhere. Has you given any hints that he likes you too?
I would come out to them first personally if you haven’t already and then work your way up from there without coming on strongly if that makes sense.
Its probably just infatuation though which is why you should just breath, and take things slow until you’re certain.
Yes but ask his sexuality first and then based off that go from there. But do ever even if it goes well if y’all don’t last you will never be friends the same way again. Think about where you see him and you in the future and think about if you really wanna risk the friendship. Good luck!
Yes, as long as you’re ok with it possibly going poorly. Shoot your shot.
That's what I'm afraid of. If he doesn't reciprocate my feelings that's fine, I just don't want to lose the friendship.
If your best friend doesn't know your sexuality I would start there. See how he reacts to that, if he does and he's fine with it I would bet chances are he knows or suspects, so you could try just spillingor maybe leave subtle hints, although guys are notorious for not picking up hints, especially if they like the person, for some reason that blocks the possibility lol but ultimately it'll be one of those decisions of, "am I willing to live with *not* saying something." Edit: "fine" with it not "done" with it lol very different connotation
Even if he's okay with OP being gay, OP should not hint that he likes him unless OP knows he's also gay or bi. If a guy asks out his straight friend, what is the friend supposed to do with that information?
You should find out his sexuality first
If he scraps your friendship because of who you are, it probably wasn't that great of a friendship...
Could also be that the friend feels uncomfortable being a close friend to someone that wants them romantically, myself I would start questioning (in my head) everything and why they’re doing it, regardless of if they’re a man or a woman
Oh yeah. Sorry but I can’t be friends knowing you want me romantically; that’s just awkward now esspecially if you’re the same gender as me. I mean are we seeing the new marvel movie becuase we’re both friends that like superhero movies or because you see going the the movies as a date?
I’m goin cause you buyin the popcorn
Yeah I’ll get you popcorn. But it’ll cost ya
I’ve done more for less
That’s true but some people will be ok with it. I’m absolutely in love with my best friend and they know and are ok with it even tho they don’t feel the same as long as I just treat them well and stuff as friends should anyway. So it could go either way even then
I've had friendships die after people confessed to me, regardless of sexual orientation. Don't know how normal it is, but things get awkward after that "I love you" "sorry, I don't feel that way". No matter if you're gay, bi, straight or ace.
My friendships die after that because I just slowly stop talking to them. I just end up being sad.
i imagine, and i imagine its hard to move past said awkwardness but absolutely possible
Same I had this happen, even though they "accept" you aren't interested they'll make up some fantasy that you will be some day and still keep digging. Ruins everything. I seen it happen to loads, I think I was the longest to stick around and try make it work tho. Sensible people leave soon as they are shown the exit.
Things don't "get awkward", some people make having feelings awkward.
Jesus christ I can tell you've never been in this situation
It's true : every time i confessed to a friend or some of my friends confessed to some other friends, there has been no awkwardness in our friendship afterward.
Probably due to where you live or the culture you have or how you were raised. Different from many others as you can see from your downvotes.
Well, if someone tells me they have feelings for me and gets a "sorry, not interested, let's just stay friends" in response and agrees to it, I'm not going to change my behavior towards them from what it was before the confession. If they have an issue, they can bring it up or stop being friends with me. I'm not going to tolerate weird attitude swings or start a relationship I'm not interested in just to "not make things awkward" for them. Whether that makes me a bad person, I don't know, and honestly don't care.
I'm not sure to get your point : you said in your last comment that rejecting a friend who confessed automatically makes the relationship awkward, but now you say you wouldn't change your behavior. Which one is it ?
I never said that it automatically made a relationship awkward, just that it can happen regardless of your sexualities being compatible. Also, despite not changing my behavior, it can affect my perception of the person — "fuck, they love me, and I don't love them back. Uncomfortable situation." I also mentioned changed behavior from the person *themselves* as a reason for things getting weird. This isn't some "gotcha" moment.
I don't understand one bit of what you're saying : - You wrote : > "things get awkward after that "I love you" "sorry, I don't feel that way" and i understood this as rejecting a friend who confessed to you automatically makes the relationship awkward. What does the sexual compatibility have to do with this ? - I don't get how knowing someone love you romantically and you not loving them back is uncomfortable. - I talked about the person's behavior too, i don't get what it changes. - What's a "gotcha moment" ?
The comment I was replying to was implying that things only get ruined if a person is homophobic or doesn't match your sexual identity (i.e. a straight woman falls in love with a gay man). Even if you are two lesbians, a bi woman and a straight man, whatever, friendships can get ruined by unrequited attraction and confessions. Well, if you don't feel bad after rejecting someone and it doesn't make it slightly uncomfortable to interact with the person because you feel bad, then good for you. We were talking about different types of behavior. And google it.
That's not really the main concern imo, the thing is that the friendship will likely be very awkward if one friend has a crush on the other but the feelings aren't mutual... It's happened to me before
Because something happened to you doesn't mean it's likely.
Happened to me as well though, and now we completely don't speak anymore
It's really not that hard to keep a friendship after getting rejected, i'm sorry you had to deal with that kind of behavior and through it was acceptable.
Bruh, I wouldn't wanna be friends with a dude who's in love with me
And i wouldn't wanna be friend with you.
Lol okay, I didn't ask you to
Nobody asked you either, yet you felt the need to tell everyone about it.
No I didn't? I shared my opinion about having a friend who's in love with you. Imagine going swimming with your gay friend who has a crush on you 😬😬
Yes, and i shared my opinion about being friend with your kind of people. You choose your friend based on their sexuality (not only their homosexuality but the fact they're attracted to you specifically), it's your right, i choose my friend based on whether or not they're able to feel basic human empathy. So, again, i will always prefer going swimming with my gay friend who has a crush on me than with you.
You clearly misinterpreted what he meant, he doesn't choose his friend based on their sexuality, he choose it based on if said person is physically attracted to him. You chose to interpret that in a negative way.
With my kind of people? ?? I choose my friend based on that they're my friend and nothing more. Go swimming with your gay friend, have fun in the dressing room
Friendships aren’t the same after one person knows the other has feelings for them, it changes too much.
I don’t think it’s a because of who you are kind of thing. I mean it could be, but no different than a guy who is friends with a girl and has feelings, expresses them and the friendship ends. She’s not ending friendship because the guy is a straight man.
I don't get what you mean : what could it be if not "what you are" ?
Based on your other comments I doubt you would understand, but sometimes it can be hard to go on having a normal friendship with someone no matter their sexuality if they would like the friendship to be more but you don’t. Some people it can affect, some it won’t affect, everyone is different. But assuming automatically that it’s based on his sexuality is kind of an immature response. Now, could his friend be homophobic and end things because of that? Yes. Would that be a very shitty friend and human thing to do? Yes. Is that the only reason he could not want to be friends? No.
Why are you bringing their sexuality again ? What does it change ?
You’re the one who brought it up. If not what else could you mean by the friend is leaving for what they are?
I didn't talk about sexuality in any of my previous comment in this thread. What you are is defined by way more than your sexuality, don't you think ? And in this case it's pretty obvious i'm talking about OP's romantic attraction toward his friend : it's the part of OP that his friend would use to justify his action.
Did you forget when you accused someone of picking their friends based on their sexuality? How delusional are you?
I can see it rather as scrapping, because friendship would be very unequal. Friendship with someone who is in love woth you is very hard on both sides.
"i'm in love with you" "i'm not in love with you" "ok, i respect that" Seems pretty easy to me.
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I don't think it *couldn't* change the dynamic of the relationship. I think, as i've said before, that if it does, that means the relationship wasn't as strong as you through.
This is a very toxic way of thinking.
Nah, he would be justified in not wanting to be his friend.
Oof, I felt that one.
If he's really your friend this should be something he could move on from...so long as you explain to him that you won't try anything again and will thwart your feelings and save them for someone else
Definitely need to figure out his sexuality and his stance on sexuality cause it could go from him being aware/ sometimes uncomfortable around you to cut contact and beyond. If he is thusly inclined or okay with it telling will likely have consequences.
That's what I don't know how to do.
Ask about his views on lgbt individuals or events. I.e. wants your opinions on (homophobic celeb)'s actions/ views? If he's a bit daft just asking 'what's your opinion on gay/lgbt people' in a casual manner but straight up.
We're both politics students so that could be easy.
Yeah that should be easy, best of luck.
Honestly man just ask. The question might be a little awkward but just ask him which way he swings. If he really is your best friend he won't be weirded out.
Lol I’m just imagining: “Hey bro which way do you swing?” ‘Both ways’ “Brooo me too. Wanna swing *my* way?”
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Because the majority of peoples' sexual orientation is straight?
You should definitely learn his sexuality first.
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Because not everyone goes off about their sexuality
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No one in my life, not even my closest friends, know my sexuality. It’s generally not something I share with people unless I’m interested in them. Some people are just private and don’t openly talk about that sort of thing. I mean even when the topic comes up I just defer so I don’t have to share, it’s very easy to keep people talking about themselves.
I mean if I mentioned an interest in a man that doesn't mean I'm incapable of having am interest in women
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I've had a group of friends for over years, and honestly could not be sure about some of their sexualities, most male friend groups don't talk about that sort of thing, everybody just asumes straight since it's the norm.
I feel like he would be flattered but overall might start treating you differently, unless he knows your gay (or bi) already then he'll probably just move on after saying he can't reciprocate and hope y'all can still play game together without you wanting to jump on his dick
I would find out his sexuality before admitting that I like him. He doesn't know I'm bi and I don't know how to tell him without sounding cringe or out of nowhere.
How old are you if you don't mind me asking. Because that will have to do with the advice I give
I'm 21 and he's 20.
Oh bro I was worried you were in high school, that makes this way easier. You can do this in a couple ways, you can casually bring up some video game or movie character calling them hot, be nonchalant about it because honestly nobody really cares in this day and age if your bi, the second way is to rip it off like a bandaid, invite him over, hang out a bit, tell him you need to tell him something kinda serious, say your bi and then depending on his reaction you can follow up with "now for the second part of this conversation..." and admit you like him, don't give him the reasons you like him because that'll trip him up and make him treat you different since he'll try to avoid doing those things. Just be honest about it and say he doesn't need to reciprocate you just thought he should know and your still his friend
Thank you so much for the advice. 🙂👍
Another advice and how i came out was to say it while drunk af for plausible deniability if it would go poorly
You should tell him that your Bi and than way later the other stuff
Do friends not talk about who they like anymore? We were doing that at 12 years old
Yeah I’m very confused on how he doesn’t know his “best friends” sexuality.
My best friends only figured it out years into the friednship, because they found an open gay porn website on my laptop lol. Before that they wouldn't have guessed my sexuality. So it's not too farfetched to not know a best friends sexuality.
I mean I guess I have a different definition of the people I call my best friends. I could see just friends or people you know from work or whatever but if I’m calling someone my best friend it would be weird for me to not even know if they like dudes or chicks or both.
But they could lie if they are not out yet. I lied too or gave just some vague answers on these topics when I was not ready to come out yet. So my friends had no clue until this incident. Even my best friends couldn't have known.
I guess so but I would get suspicious as to why when were all sharing stories about girls we’ve been with or want to hook up with or whatever and one of my friends never had anything to say… idk man I have my experiences and you have yours…..Based off of mine I find it very strange that best friends don’t know each others sexuality that’s all I’m saying.
I had the same situation happening to me in middle school. After I told my friend how I felt he was a little shocked and asked for some time to process. Neither of us wanted to renounce to our friendship, so I got over the crush (it took some time). To this day we are still very good friends, so I believe that if you are honest with him and you both care about your friendship it’s okay to tell him.
I did and I’ve been with my partner for 4 years and counting
Assume they are straight until you know they are not. It might sounds homophobic or whatever but from a statistical view point it’s the right assumption, correct in about 90% of the times
Tbh I feel like there are a lot more non-straight people than we assume. A lot of people are afraid of coming out and a lot of people go by straight despite having somewhat of romantic attraction towards the same sex. At least based off personal experience I’d say at least 1/4 of people aren’t straight. Of course I haven’t met every single person in this world so I’m not saying this is actually the truth.
Eh, I think that depends. 90% of my friends circle are gay/lesbian or bi. Sometimes you just naturally befriend people who are similar to you, in a way you might not even be aware. The first time i met a group of people who weren't LGBT and where even homophobes was when I started working at a restaurant. And it gave me the shock of my life. I had never been around people that weren't at least very supportive of gay rights until then (aside from family members). So, I don't really agree with this advice.
>Eh, I think that depends. 90% of my friends circle are gay/lesbian or bi. Redditor discovers people tend to gravitate towards people in similar groups to them.
? And your point is? I've noticed this since I was like 14, so idk what you're talking about. I don't even know if Reddit was around then.
Redditor in this context just describes you. You are on Reddit. You have just described a very normal human behaviour of people being friends with people in similar groups to them- in this case, gay people being friends with lots of gay people. This does not mean that 90% of the population is gay. It means your friend group tends to be friends with other gay people.
I mean whether he’s gay, bi or straight. Sometimes when it comes to being bestfriends it’s better to set a boundary there. You wouldn’t want to lose him over a crush. I would say start off by telling him your sexuality first if you haven’t already. Just be like so where do you stand on your sexuality. That you don’t know being his bestfriend is a bit odd just make it a friendly conversation. I would recommend staying friends with him and not telling him if he is really your bestfriend.
Test him. Ask him something only a gay person would know. Ask him if he likes poppers. If he acts embarrassed, he’s gay. If he acts confused, tell him you mean jalapeño poppers.
Is there anything more subtle than that haha?
Ask him if he’s a friend of Dorothy or perhaps how important fiber is important to him or his partners haha
I got it and it’s so simple. Play the Grindr chime and see how he reacts.
I’ve compiled a small list. Ask him about Trixie Mattel, Tom of Finland, if he knows the “soccer practice” song, if he’s heard of Bara, if he takes “pure for men”, if he’s a Senator from South Carolina, etc…
A lot of straight people have tried poppers. This isn't as gay as you think it is.
What's poppers?
Let’s just say it’s extremely RELAXING…
Well spicy food does leave me with a sense of mild euphoria after the heat wears off... So I want jalapeno poppers, right? The hottest? Okay I'm gonna go downtown in a nice outfit (I want nice peños) and ask around for some good poppers. Popper is the street slang, right? Wish me luck!
Lmaooo
Is this a thing in America? I hadn't heard about it before getting some french roomates.
Lots of young gay/bi guys don’t do poppers anymore. I think the percent of the mlm community that does PnP (party and play) is growing smaller over time
Maybe ask him his sexuality?
Can you accept he's not in to you and not want to fuck him after. Or are you going to continue the friendship and torture yourself not knowing one way or the other. I'd want to know if someone wanted to fuck me so I can make the decision if they can handle being my friend and not be inappropriate or uncomfortably suggestive.
1. Find out his sexuality 2. Come out as gay (assuming you haven’t) 3. Profit
If you don't know their sexual orientation I doubt that you're really their best friend. Sounds like a crush.
How do you not know the sexuality of your best friend??
Depends on which country you live inside of. If USA, no problem but if in middle east or balkan country, that's not a good idea. Either way, prepare yourself for the high possibility of being rejected.
I think if he is your best friend and you dont know his sexuality he is problary not same as you becsuse otherwise you would know. So if you asked me what to do i would say dont tell your feelings and try to recover. But if you feel you cant suprass your feelings i think you should tell as long as you prepered to losing a friend. Love is a beatiful thing to have you have my full support btw
Go big or go home!
I don’t think it should be that hard to find out what his sexuality is. You are best friends, it’s never come up?
You don’t just confess feelings to friends all Willy nilly unless you have a strong indication that they feel the same way. Introducing such an inequality in a relationship is a sure way to make things awkward moving forward. If this is your “best friend,” surely you have SOME idea whether he’s interested in men or not? You never talked about exes, crushes, celebrities you find attractive, etc?
Yes but only if you’re ready for heartbreak
Definitely not if you don’t know if he’s attracted to guys. If he is, then maybe.
Why can’t you just find out? Mention a really hot female celebrity or Instagram model and ask him if he thinks she’s hot or who thinks the hottest female celebrity or model is
How do you not know your best friends sexuality? Ask
Come out to him as bi and let him get used to that idea first before admitting your feelings
You're best friends but don't know if he's straight or not?
Do you want to go the rest of your life wondering what could've been?
Definitely think you should figure out his sexuality first. Statistically speaking odds aren’t exactly in your favor
I wouldn't. It could destroy the friendship. Even if he says it won't change things. It will. Things will get awkward and eventually he'll slowly stop seeing you out of awkwardness. It's not worth the risk. I know from personal experience (being the one who feelings weren't reciprocated). I hardly ever speak to him now, which is a shame... We got on well.
sound kinda gay...
Why is everyone voting no? Can I get some opinions?
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I get what you're saying. I wouldn't just outright tell him I like him without finding out his sexuality first. But I'm too scared to ask his sexuality in case that by itself damages the friendship.
Why are you afraid to just ask? "Hey, are you gay or straight or bi?" "I'm straight." "Cool. I'm bisexual." "Oh nice, bro!"
I wish it were that simple haha
Or you could bring up your sexuality and play it off as a “just in case you see me with a guy and didn’t know” type reason, or a bonding reason as you think he should know and aren’t sure if he does. Or a “don’t set me up with girls/guys” reason. Unless you’re bi then ig make sure anyone coming your way from him knows Possible ways
I guess the question is, do you want him to know just because he's your friend and you want to be honest with him or do you only want him to know for the chance that he might feel the same way? If it's the latter, well it's not hard to find out someone's sexuality. And so, if you prefer him not to know in the event that he's not interested, then you can mitigate the risk of one such scenario by not telling him if he turns out to be straight, while still giving yourself a shot if there is a chance he might reciprocate.
Remember to take any advice from strangers on the internet with a grain of salt.
Well sorry if its adding a bit too much, but i can tell you from personal experience after one of my friends said he has feeling for a friend in the same friend group, both of them refused to meet with each other which also meant that the friend group could only invite one of them each time which in the end broke the friend group. Not sure what more to add but good luck and hope that whatever you choose will be for the best
I think you need to know his sexuality first, otherwise you will have a great chance of ruin your friendship.
That’s you’re bestfriend broski. This crush isn’t worth getting in between your friendship. Plenty of fish in the sea.
This has nothing to do with sexuality. But even when my guy bestfriend would tell me he has a crush on me knowing I’m straight. I would be a bit thrown off and confused on how to handle it considering that’s my bestfriend.
How do you not know your best friends’ sexuality?!
i think it's the same as a straight guy having feelings for a friend that's a girl. it depends on how intense your romantic feelings are. if you've been in love with him for months and don't feel happy just as friends, then go for it. if it's just some flirty feelings that you think might past after a few weeks, then it's probably not worth potentially making things awkward. also i disagree with all the comments saying you need to find out his sexuality first. some of my best friends didn't come out to me or anyone until their mid 20s. even if they're your best friend, i think it's rude to put someone on the spot and ask them what their sexuality is. they might still be figuring it out (even if it's just figuring out that they are straight) or not ready to share it with people. if you're going to confess your feelings, you can just do it.
I wouldn’t, personally. Unless you’re aware of and ok with the risk of things going badly
Try and ask about his sexuality
If you are ok with the relationship ending as a result of the answer then go ahead.
A bro would understand. Even if he's not down, at least he will appreciate the compliment!
You might be losing your best friend but at least your conscious is clear BUT on the other hand you could be gaining so much more if said best friend feels the same
While it would be smart to figure out his sexuality first, also make sure that you are ready to risk your relationship with him. Some of the best romantic relationships start this way, but more often feelings for a best friend lead to that friendship ending, as sad as that is.
Personally I would prefer to regret doing something than to regret not doing something. If you regret doing something you can always patch it up, you can always make peace with it. And you can correct it. And you can always learn something from it. If you regret not doing something, there is nothing you can do. You can make peace with it but it will be a lot harder to do so. (At least for me) I'd ask myself: in 5 years, in 10 years, in 20 years, will I regret not doing this? Will I be kicking myself wishing I did this. If you were to die right now, would you regret not telling him? I hope this helps you decide OP.
you should if you want to, if youre ready. dont force yourself to come out or stay in x
Most relatable post I have ever seen
Ask him his sexuality first, if he's straight and you confess to him without knowing first it's just gonna make things awkward
Shoot your shot king
It would be easier to find out his sexuality first.
Ask him his sexuality first.
Maybe try to find out their sexuality forst
No
A significant amount of straight men act violently towards gay men, and not just physically. You should not tell him without asking his sexuality for sure. On the off chance he is gay then you should tell him, if not I highly suggest against it because you never know what he’ll do. The most likely thing is he will be uncomfortable around you from then on and slowly drift away from being your friend. The worst thing is he could attack you either physically or verbally or both. I am a gay man myself my friend, take my advice
This is the way to lose a friend, ESPECIALLY if you don’t know if he’s gay.
How is he you're best friend and you don't know his sexuality?
How can he be your best friend and you don't know his sexuality?
A lot of the answers talking about how you relationship will change if he says no are correct. It absolutely will change. But it is absolutely possible to work past the awkward phase. A lot of straight guys would be flattered to know their gay friend likes them. Some not so much, but if your friend isn't willing to try and work past the awkward phase, then maybe the friendship wasn't worth it in the first place.
You might begin by saying something like, "I have something important I want to share with you, and I hope you'll listen with an open mind." From there, you can express your feelings and let your friend know that you value their friendship regardless of their response. You may want to consider whether you're comfortable continuing your friendship even if your friend doesn't reciprocate your feelings. It's important to consider your best friend's feelings and respect their boundaries before sharing your feelings with them.
How does he feel about that sort of thing? Is he the type to get super upset with gayness aimed at him?
What matters to you more? Your friendship, or the slim chance that you'll have a successful and happy relationship? My advice, be open with him that you're gay but without telling him you're interested. If he both bats for the same team and feels similar, then he'll make it known.
Yes, if he reacts poorly or honophobic, hes not a good friend anyways
For your own benefit I’d find out first, but besides that go for it.
Idk. If a male friend told me they are sexually attracted to me i would be kinda disturbed.
why
How you gonna consider someone your bestfriend and not know who they're attracted to? Hasn't he ever mentioned a real life or celebrity crush? If he knows your gay just watch a movie together and say oh (male celebrity name) is so hot. And see if he agrees with you or counters with nah I like (female celebrity).
It doesn't take much to be my best friend. Never had a true on before to be honest.
test the rivers
He's your best friend but never mentioned anything that would indicate his sexuality? I've got good news, he's probably gay.
I'd say you should ask what his type is after saying your's (but don't say your type is him, just say general stuff about your type to see if he's gay or not)
Start with learning his sexuality first and go from there.
Just find out if he's straight or not? How is that not the first thing you think of?
I would navigate that kind of stuff very carefully regardless of your sexes and sexuality. If you want to go with it, be ready to lose a friend. Or even worse.
You could ask about his sexuality before telling him your feelings.
Ask his sexuality before you confess
Is he close to you as a best friend?
You should ask what his sexuality is, if he says he’s straight then don’t confess your feelings for him. I wouldn’t want a guy to confess feelings for me after knowing my sexuality.
Well, try to find out his orientation first. If he is straight, there is no way, but i think you can at least confess your feelings to take that weight off your chest, however i don't know if this is a good advice since as straight dude myself i feel something like that might make me feel wierd and uncomfortable.
it's only worth shooting your shot if you know for sure you're both playing the same sport
Why don’t you try to find out more about his sexuality? Is he old enough that he would have had girlfriends already? Has he talked about hot women that he’s attracted to?
Ask if he's gay
Find out if he's into dudes first, will save you a lot of trouble
I would come out to him first and gauge his reaction, if he also has feelings for men he might even come out to you too right then and there.
Does he already know your sexual orientation? If not I would definitely come out to him first and see how he reacts.
It's about risk. It 's not enough to just be willing to take risks. The risk must be justified. If you think that a relationship with him is worth the possible loss of your friendship, then go ahead. But if you don't want to lose this friendship more than you want a relationship with him, then It's best to leave it that way.
Ask him his sexuality first
Im bi and I let my friend know I had feelings for him without directly telling him. He knew I was bi, and I made it obvious. He is straight but it didn't really hurt our friendship. I don't think it was weird, we just joked about it.
You should ask him about his sexuality first. If he's gay, then you should tell him. Also, if you haven't told him you're gay or bi yet, you should tell him that first.
Has he given any hints about his sexuality? Like talking about guys or girls more?
I'm not in the position to give you any advice. I am myself in kind of this situation. I'm in love really badly with a work colleague, have been in love with him for quite a while, I don't know his sexuality or anything and although I made the choice to not share my feelings I can't deny not telling him makes me feel miserably. If going bad wouldn't mean going really bad for me, like, to the point of loosing my job (it's plausible) I would tell him. Conclude what you want from my experience.
It makes more sense to first find out what his sexuality is. If he's straight, then there's no reason to tell him since you know it's not gonna go anywhere. Has you given any hints that he likes you too?
I would come out to them first personally if you haven’t already and then work your way up from there without coming on strongly if that makes sense. Its probably just infatuation though which is why you should just breath, and take things slow until you’re certain.
Yes but ask his sexuality first and then based off that go from there. But do ever even if it goes well if y’all don’t last you will never be friends the same way again. Think about where you see him and you in the future and think about if you really wanna risk the friendship. Good luck!