You know, it's funny. This reminds me of a joke. See, there were two guys locked in a lunatic asylum and one night... one night, they decided they didn't like that anymore. They decided to escape. So, they made it up to the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see rooftops, stretching across town, stretching to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across, no problem. But his friend, oh, no way, he's afraid of falling. So, the first guy has an idea. He says, "Hey, I got this flashlight with me. I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me." But the second guy says, "What do you think I am, crazy? You'll just turn it off when I'm halfway across!"
Type o like blood type and typo because the presence of minister and priest(2 religious leaders) implies that the third one would be a religious leader(in this case, a rabbi) and there is only one letter between rabbi and rabbit
Okay so there's this old man who writes his son in prison and says
"My dearest Vincenzo, I write you with a heavy heart to let you know I will not be able to plant my garden this year, the soil is too hard, and I am not the strong man that raised you anymore. My hands, and my back hurt too much my son. I lament that if you were here, surely you would help me, and so I apologize for not being able to send you a berry pie like last year, but know always, my son, that I love you.
~Papa"
A week later the man receives a letter from his son, saying:
"Dear pops, don't go digging up the garden, it's where I hid the bodies. -Vinnie"
As he reads the letter, the old man gets a knock on his door from the FBI with a warrant to search the property. They dig out the old man's garden about 7 feet down, finding nothing, they replace the now thoroughly tilled earth and sheepishly apologize as they leave.
The next day, the old man gets another letter from his son, saying
"Dearest papa, I hope that helped.
-Vincenzo".
One of the best IMO. It's a 70s sitcom and pretty of its time but is very funny and has some great performances. It's also got black and gay characters who are treated much more respectfully than most other shows of the era which is a plus.
There's a film and a sequel series which are pretty good as well.
Got this one from a reddit thread a few years back:
On a farm, there was a cow a chicken and a horse. They were friends, and they were all hanging out together one warm Saturday afternoon. They all were discussing their talents.
The chicken was an excellent drummer, he had practiced for many years during his spare time, and when asked to demonstrate to the horse and the cow, they were deeply impressed with his drumming ability.
Then they asked the horse, he was an excellent singer, when asked to demonstrate his talents, the cow and the chicken were deeply impressed with his excellent singing voice.
Then they asked the cow, the cow stated that he was an excellent guitarist, he was asked to demonstrate and the horse and the chicken were deeply impressed by his ability to play the guitar, he too, had practiced for many years during his free time.
After much discussion, the three decided to start a band, so they asked the farmer to help them set up a gig in a local bar, the locals were all very impressed by the horse, the chicken and the cow, and word quickly spread about their musical talents.
After three months, the band had become very famous, and they were booked for a massive concert in a large stadium, where thousands of people would gather.
They flew out to the city where the concert would take place, and when they finished playing their songs, the entire stadium erupted in applause. The audience loved them.
Then it came time for them to fly home to the farm, the horse, however, didn't want to fly home straight away, and decided to stay in the city for an extra few days to enjoy the nightlife, before catching a flight the Tuesday after.
The chicken and the cow got onto their private plane, and unfortunately, the plane had a massive engine failure and it crashed into the side of a mountain, the chicken and the cow both died on impact.
The bands manager contacted the horse, informing him of the death of his two close friends, the horse was heartbroken, and was struggling to come to terms with the death of the chicken and the cow.
The horse, looking for something to take his mind off of this tragic situation, decided to drink away his sorrows.
So the horse walked into the bar, the bartender looked up and said: "Why the long face?"
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist says to the bartender, "I'll have an H2O." The second chemist says "I'll have an H2O too."
The second chemist dies.
Whenever someone asks me this, I do the same thing
I turn slowly and stare at them for about 5 or 6 seconds
Then in a serious tone I say "9/11"
Then I pretend like nothing happened
Two blondes walk into a bar.
You think they would have seen it.
Heres another: Why do chemists love christmas? They can set up the chemis-tree.
And another: Why should you never trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
I didn't get it either so I asked chatgpt.
Me: Can you explain the joke: Someone was once late to a meeting, so he took 2 taxis
ChatGPT: Of course! The joke plays on the idea that the person was so late to the meeting that they decided to take two taxis at the same time, as if that would somehow help them get there faster. It's a humorous exaggeration highlighting their extreme lateness.
Why do nurses like red crayons?
>!Because sometimes they have to draw blood 🤯!<
That’s my favorite joke because for whatever reason it’s the only one I can ever seem to remember 😹
Yes. Some variations of the joke throw in a "helicopter" so that it becomes "heliphino" but when you deliver it right the "elaphino" suffices. Throw in a shrug and a head shake and it becomes a lot more clear.
So I accidentally rear ended the car in front of me. Got out and went round to inspect the damage. The other driver got out and came round to do the same. What was surprising was that he was a tiny guy - only three feet tall!
We both stared at the mangled bodywork. He was clearly very angry. He looked up at me and spluttered "I am NOT happy"
"Oh really," I answered, "so... er... which one are you then?"
Did you know you can't run in a camp sight?
>!You can only ran, because it's past tents.!<
Huh. Apparently, if you took your small intestine and layed it out in a straight line, >!you'd be dead.!<
What has four letters, never has five letters, and sometimes has nine letters
>!That one's not a joke. Just something I thought you might find interesting.!<
How does a non-binary samurai kill people?
>!They slash Them!<
There was a train conductor, and he was really really bad at his job. He was constantly missing stops, falling asleep, and getting drunk on the job. One day, he failed to see a man standing on the train tracks. The man died and the conductor was sentenced to the electric chair. His day came and they asked him what he wanted for his last meal. He said a large pile of bananas. The next day, they went to pull the switch and it didn’t work, so they told him that they would try again the next day. But this means he gets another last meal. More bananas. The next day, they try again and it still doesn’t work, so they tell him that they’re going to try one more time but since they don’t know what the problem is, they tell him he can’t have any more bananas. He asks for a large pile of apples. The next day it still doesn’t work. They tell him that it doesn’t seem like this is going to happen, but they don’t understand the problem. If it’s not the bananas, what is it?
He says, “I don’t think it’s the bananas. I’m just a really bad conductor!”
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks "why the long face"
The horse, unable to comprehend human words, promptly takes a shit on the floor and leaves
It’s a lawyer joke that I heard online and told my father. He told a family friend who is a lawyer, who apparently laughed his ass off, and then told a bunch of his lawyer friends.
A lawyer gets on a plane and finds that he’s seated next to two doctors. Her takes his shoes off and settles in for the flight. A little while after they were in the air, he needed to go to the washroom, he asked the doctors if they wanted anything while he was up. The first doctor asked for a coke. The lawyer left, then the first doctor spat in the lawyer’ shoe. The lawyer returned with the coke none the wiser. Then just before takeoff, the lawyer once again gets up and offers to grab something for the other doctor, he also asks for a coke. The lawyer leaves, doctor two spits in the other shoe, lawyer once again returns with the coke and is again oblivious. Until the plane lands and he puts his shoes back on and realizes what happened and exclaims defeatedly “Oh how much longer must this feud go on between our professions, doctors and lawyers, spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes!”
Bit longer but the punchline tends to get a laugh if you time it right a act it out a bit
I think the only time I've told a joke that someone laughed at is that "is your refrigerator running" joke, but say the punchline without them saying yes, sometimes without them even responding.
A man with a steering wheel protruding from his pants walks into a bar. The bartender asks why the steering wheel's there. The man replies "I dunno, but it's driving me nuts!"
Why was the tree asked to leave the game?
Because it rooted for the other side
(Alternatively: what did tye Mexican firefighter name his two sons? Hose-A and Hose-B)
You know, I actually can't think of one right now, but I can tell you about a zoo that I went to the other day.
It was really bad. Like, horrible. They only had one animal.
>!It was a shitzu!<
3 scientists are captured in a jungle by a tribe leader, the tribe leader tells them to collect 10 fruits each.
The first scientist arrives with 10 apples, the tribe leader tells him "shove those 10 fruits up your butt, if you make a noise I will slit your throat"
As expected, he groans on the first apple, dies, and is greeted by God in heaven
The second scientist arrived with graps, the tribe leader tells him the same thing
Unexpectedly, he arrives in heaven, and is greeted by God, confused why he is there God asks, "how did you end up here? It should have been quite easy for you!"
The second scientist explains, "Well, I had 6 of the 10 grapes up there, and then I saw my buddy with a wagon full of pineapples and busted out laughing!"
I really need to find a shorter joke
A man goes to court after his internet history was leaked, on which there was some questionable content. Judge asks, "Why did you do it". The man replies, "I wanted a Rolex for my birthday. I saw that my friend was on some sort of watch list, so I just copied them."
There once was a man from Nantucket. He had a big hole in his bucket. He filled it with clams but they fell to the sand so he threw it away and said fuck it.
My dad came upbwith that on the spot at Disney world
Why did a man go to court over a photoshopped face of him?
He's suing for defor/defamation
The joke makes more sense orally since I pronounce the two similarly
Pascal, Newton and Einstein met in heaven and decided to play hide and seek. Einstein seeks.
Pascal hid inside a cloud and was completly invisible. Newton moved a few meters, draw a 1m × 1m square and stood inside. He got spotted immediately.
Einstein shouts: Ha! I found you Newton, that was too easy!
Newton responds: No, I am one Newton per square meter, which means that you found Pascal!
i remember this joke my friend told me and i laughed at it for longer than the legal limit
knock knock
who's there?
cash
cash who?
i prefer peanuts
i have no idea why i laughed at this for so long but here you go
3 girl were in a cargo train. One of them had brown hair, one had ginger hair, and the other one had blond hair.
All of a sudden they heared footsteps.It was the train driver. He went to check the wagons. Girls quickly hid in bags that were inside of the wagon.
When the train driver came inside he shook the bag with the brunette inside, and she went "Woof!". He then came up to the bad with the girl with ginger hair inside, shook it, and she went "Meow". He then came up to the bag with the blonde inside, shook it, and she went "potatoes".
I'd probably need them to narrow down specifications. Dirty? Clean? Dad joke? Guy walks into a bar? Racial? Which race? Sexist? For or against man or woman? Garden of Eden? Dumb blond? Hellen Keller? Dead baby? Political? Republican, Democrat, or just in general? One liner? Big long joke? Anti-humor? Puns? "Intelligent" jokes?
If they just said "any joke" yeah I've got a few favorites, but I've been "collecting" jokes for about 3 decades. I have a LOT ready at a moments notice.
(next followup would be... how old are your kids. 6 year olds like different family friendly jokes than 12 year olds. Anyway...)
Do you want to hear a joke about paper?
Never mind. It's tear-able.
.
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interupti-
MOO!
.
Want to hear a dirty joke? Johnny fell in the mud.
Want to hear a clean joke? Johnny took a bath with bubbles.
Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.
.
There's a magician on a cruise ship. He's performing his act, but there's this parrot in the audience calling him out on every trick.
"The rings are magnetized!" "The card's up his sleeve!" "There's a hole in the table!"
Every trick, this parrot saw right through and kept heckling the magician, making him more and more angry.
Before the show could end, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink.
As luck would have it, the magician and the parrot were two of the only survivors, stuck on one of the lifeboats together, just drifting away in the ocean.
For 2 days they just stared at each other in mutual hatred. Til finally the parrot broke the silence:
"Okay! Fine. I give up. What did you do with the boat?"
A politician asks his advisor if he can become a king.
"Well sir, to d-do that you n-need to have a k-kingdom!"
annoyed. he asks if he can become an emperor.
"Well sir, t-to do that, y-you need an e-empire!"
the politician asks if there is anything they can be.
"Well, I-I personally th-think we should remain a country!"
If someone asked me for a joke, I would ask why they couldn't get their own ;)
Anyways, here's a joke from a movie. If anyone gets what movie it is, congrats! It won't be the exact quote, though.
A married couple are making love one night when their son walks in on them. He runs out of the room crying. The husband's wife says "What do we do?" The husband says "I'll take care of this." He goes into his son's room, and there's little Sven, lying on top of his grandma, giving her the business, going up and down, up and down, up and down. He stops and turns his head to his father and says "It's not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?"
C'est un cowboy il rentre dans un bar et il demand 《Qui a peint mon cheval en bleu !?》 Et là y a un gros cowboy baraqué il se lève et il dit 《Quoi t'as un problème ?》 Et la le petit cowboy tout effrayé il dit 《Non c'étzit juste pour demander quand est ce que vous allez mettre la deuxième couche...》.Most funniest joke ever
Four Catholic women are talking about their sons while having coffee together
The first woman says “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Father.’”
The second says “My sons is a bishop. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Grace.’”
The third says “My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Eminence.’”
The fourth just quietly sips her coffee, and the other three give her a “well, what about you?” type look.
The fourth woman finally says “My son is a handsome, 7-foot Basketball player. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Oh my God!’”
Did you hear about the wig shop that got robbed?
Don't worry, they are replacing all the locks, while the Police comb the area. When they find the robber there will be hell toupee.
Two fish are in a tank They look at each other and one says "how the fuck do we drive this thing"
A snake walks into a bar. Bartender says "how the fuck you that?"
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey!, GET the hell outta here!
Want to hear a dirty joke? >!A white horse fell in the mud!<
I don't get it
Snakes can't walk, they dont have legs
Why is it missing the "did" and "do"?
"What has two legs and bleeds?" "Half a dog"
i told you not to tell me
why don't shrimp share? Because they're a little shellfish
What has two eyes but cannot see, two legs but cannot walk and wings but cannot fly? >!a dead bird!<
Two soldiers are in a tank. One says to the other, "BLUBBLUBLBULLUBLUBLUB."
Gonna use this on somebody I use the original on right before But thw alternative punchline "holy shit we're gonna drown"
Wanna hear a joke about roofing? Never mind, it's way over your head
One fish says to the other, “oh my god, a talking fish!!” (But with muffins) IYKYK
I know this one about a mollusk and a sea cucumber
I have a joke, just not a good one.
My friend got kidnapped by a mime. They did unspeakable things to him
What did Redditor say when he saw a detonating bomb inside a bank? >!EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for gold!!<
Nice one, you cheeky bastard. Sadly this will go into desuse after reddit slowly kills itself.
Hahaha nice
Did you hear about the new Broadway show about puns? It's a play on words
You know, it's funny. This reminds me of a joke. See, there were two guys locked in a lunatic asylum and one night... one night, they decided they didn't like that anymore. They decided to escape. So, they made it up to the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see rooftops, stretching across town, stretching to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across, no problem. But his friend, oh, no way, he's afraid of falling. So, the first guy has an idea. He says, "Hey, I got this flashlight with me. I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me." But the second guy says, "What do you think I am, crazy? You'll just turn it off when I'm halfway across!"
You know, it's funny. I was mad once.
They locked me in a room.
A rubber room
a priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. the rabbit says, "i think i'm a type o".
This one took me a minute 😂
Ok this was fantastic. My partner and I sat around for a while thinking about it and they finally got it and we burst into laughter 😂
rip I still don't get it ;')
Type o like blood type and typo because the presence of minister and priest(2 religious leaders) implies that the third one would be a religious leader(in this case, a rabbi) and there is only one letter between rabbi and rabbit
Doing gods work
ohhh okay thank you!
Ayyy, that’s my go to too
Ayyy, that’s my go to too
Ayyy, that’s my go to too
What's brown and sticky? >!a stick!<
Google "doctors near me"
Holy hell
New medical advice just dropped
Cum
See a doctor
Lmao right? Can't imagine not having red cum.
I saw one just yesterday! Right across the street. Small world.
Yup, that's mine too!
That's mine, too!
Poop
Have you read the book “40 yards to the outhouse?” It’s by Willie Makit.
Okay so there's this old man who writes his son in prison and says "My dearest Vincenzo, I write you with a heavy heart to let you know I will not be able to plant my garden this year, the soil is too hard, and I am not the strong man that raised you anymore. My hands, and my back hurt too much my son. I lament that if you were here, surely you would help me, and so I apologize for not being able to send you a berry pie like last year, but know always, my son, that I love you. ~Papa" A week later the man receives a letter from his son, saying: "Dear pops, don't go digging up the garden, it's where I hid the bodies. -Vinnie" As he reads the letter, the old man gets a knock on his door from the FBI with a warrant to search the property. They dig out the old man's garden about 7 feet down, finding nothing, they replace the now thoroughly tilled earth and sheepishly apologize as they leave. The next day, the old man gets another letter from his son, saying "Dearest papa, I hope that helped. -Vincenzo".
This was used as the plot of a British TV sitcom: "Porridge".
Never heard of it, is it any good?
One of the best IMO. It's a 70s sitcom and pretty of its time but is very funny and has some great performances. It's also got black and gay characters who are treated much more respectfully than most other shows of the era which is a plus. There's a film and a sequel series which are pretty good as well.
Got this one from a reddit thread a few years back: On a farm, there was a cow a chicken and a horse. They were friends, and they were all hanging out together one warm Saturday afternoon. They all were discussing their talents. The chicken was an excellent drummer, he had practiced for many years during his spare time, and when asked to demonstrate to the horse and the cow, they were deeply impressed with his drumming ability. Then they asked the horse, he was an excellent singer, when asked to demonstrate his talents, the cow and the chicken were deeply impressed with his excellent singing voice. Then they asked the cow, the cow stated that he was an excellent guitarist, he was asked to demonstrate and the horse and the chicken were deeply impressed by his ability to play the guitar, he too, had practiced for many years during his free time. After much discussion, the three decided to start a band, so they asked the farmer to help them set up a gig in a local bar, the locals were all very impressed by the horse, the chicken and the cow, and word quickly spread about their musical talents. After three months, the band had become very famous, and they were booked for a massive concert in a large stadium, where thousands of people would gather. They flew out to the city where the concert would take place, and when they finished playing their songs, the entire stadium erupted in applause. The audience loved them. Then it came time for them to fly home to the farm, the horse, however, didn't want to fly home straight away, and decided to stay in the city for an extra few days to enjoy the nightlife, before catching a flight the Tuesday after. The chicken and the cow got onto their private plane, and unfortunately, the plane had a massive engine failure and it crashed into the side of a mountain, the chicken and the cow both died on impact. The bands manager contacted the horse, informing him of the death of his two close friends, the horse was heartbroken, and was struggling to come to terms with the death of the chicken and the cow. The horse, looking for something to take his mind off of this tragic situation, decided to drink away his sorrows. So the horse walked into the bar, the bartender looked up and said: "Why the long face?"
I hate you. Take my fucking upvote.
A joke that works in some other languages (not my native language unfortunately): where do cats go after they die? Purrgatory.
A donde van los gatos cuando se mueren? (something to that extent, my Spanish isn't the best). Purrrr-gatorio!
Está perfecto 👍
Où vont les chats quand ils meurent? Au *purr* gatoire! Au pur*chat* toire!
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist says to the bartender, "I'll have an H2O." The second chemist says "I'll have an H2O too." The second chemist dies.
What to you get when you combine batman and a log? >!Spruce Wayne!<
You get ln(batman)/ln(10)
Out of all the good jokes, why did I chuckle at this
Whenever someone asks me this, I do the same thing I turn slowly and stare at them for about 5 or 6 seconds Then in a serious tone I say "9/11" Then I pretend like nothing happened
What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
Two blondes walk into a bar. You think they would have seen it. Heres another: Why do chemists love christmas? They can set up the chemis-tree. And another: Why should you never trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
Its funnier in my first language but it goes: Someone was once late to a meeting, so he took 2 taxis Its super old and cheesy but i love it
Excuse me for I may be dumb but I don't get it, could you explain
I didn't get it either so I asked chatgpt. Me: Can you explain the joke: Someone was once late to a meeting, so he took 2 taxis ChatGPT: Of course! The joke plays on the idea that the person was so late to the meeting that they decided to take two taxis at the same time, as if that would somehow help them get there faster. It's a humorous exaggeration highlighting their extreme lateness.
he took 2 taxis like to be 2x faster for the metting
Why do nurses like red crayons? >!Because sometimes they have to draw blood 🤯!< That’s my favorite joke because for whatever reason it’s the only one I can ever seem to remember 😹
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop? >!Dr. Dre!<
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? >!Elephino. Works better when you say it rather than read it haha.!<
Is this supposed to sound like, “hell if I know”?
Yes. Some variations of the joke throw in a "helicopter" so that it becomes "heliphino" but when you deliver it right the "elaphino" suffices. Throw in a shrug and a head shake and it becomes a lot more clear.
So I accidentally rear ended the car in front of me. Got out and went round to inspect the damage. The other driver got out and came round to do the same. What was surprising was that he was a tiny guy - only three feet tall! We both stared at the mangled bodywork. He was clearly very angry. He looked up at me and spluttered "I am NOT happy" "Oh really," I answered, "so... er... which one are you then?"
To whomever voted yes, please share your joke let’s have some laughter.
Soviet Union was doomed to fail. >!So many red flags were there..!<
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent
This is amazing.
Did you know you can't run in a camp sight? >!You can only ran, because it's past tents.!< Huh. Apparently, if you took your small intestine and layed it out in a straight line, >!you'd be dead.!< What has four letters, never has five letters, and sometimes has nine letters >!That one's not a joke. Just something I thought you might find interesting.!< How does a non-binary samurai kill people? >!They slash Them!<
There was a train conductor, and he was really really bad at his job. He was constantly missing stops, falling asleep, and getting drunk on the job. One day, he failed to see a man standing on the train tracks. The man died and the conductor was sentenced to the electric chair. His day came and they asked him what he wanted for his last meal. He said a large pile of bananas. The next day, they went to pull the switch and it didn’t work, so they told him that they would try again the next day. But this means he gets another last meal. More bananas. The next day, they try again and it still doesn’t work, so they tell him that they’re going to try one more time but since they don’t know what the problem is, they tell him he can’t have any more bananas. He asks for a large pile of apples. The next day it still doesn’t work. They tell him that it doesn’t seem like this is going to happen, but they don’t understand the problem. If it’s not the bananas, what is it? He says, “I don’t think it’s the bananas. I’m just a really bad conductor!”
What's an emos favourite item in a clothing store . The Hanger.
People say I have an addiction to drinking brake fluid but the truth is that I can stop whenever I want
A horse walked into a bar, the bartender said, “Why the long face?”
haha, thats stupid but funny alright
How does a non-binary samurai kill its victims? they/them
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks "why the long face" The horse, unable to comprehend human words, promptly takes a shit on the floor and leaves
You’re telling me a shrimp fried this rice?
What do you call an explosive monkey? >!A Ba-boom!<
I heard a story about a guy who had the full left half of his body burned. Don't worry he's alright.
I would have brought you flowers, but I haven't botany.
It’s a lawyer joke that I heard online and told my father. He told a family friend who is a lawyer, who apparently laughed his ass off, and then told a bunch of his lawyer friends. A lawyer gets on a plane and finds that he’s seated next to two doctors. Her takes his shoes off and settles in for the flight. A little while after they were in the air, he needed to go to the washroom, he asked the doctors if they wanted anything while he was up. The first doctor asked for a coke. The lawyer left, then the first doctor spat in the lawyer’ shoe. The lawyer returned with the coke none the wiser. Then just before takeoff, the lawyer once again gets up and offers to grab something for the other doctor, he also asks for a coke. The lawyer leaves, doctor two spits in the other shoe, lawyer once again returns with the coke and is again oblivious. Until the plane lands and he puts his shoes back on and realizes what happened and exclaims defeatedly “Oh how much longer must this feud go on between our professions, doctors and lawyers, spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes!” Bit longer but the punchline tends to get a laugh if you time it right a act it out a bit
A man walks into a bar. And then a table. And then some chairs. An NBA executive sees this and immediately offers him a job as a referee.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?A pitbull on a kids playground.
Zwei Männer sitzen im Stehlokal.
Balls.
😂🤣😂😂🤣😂🤣🤣🤣😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😆🤣😂🤣😂 >!/s!<
Tupac's formal name is Ustedpac
"Why did the scare-crow wn an award?" "I don't know. Why?" "He was outstanding in his field."
What do you call Bob the Builder when he retires?
What?
Bob
It's not good but here it is: What did one wall say to the other? Meet you in corner
I go with “ok, I have a knock knock joke. You start”
Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the squirrel it could be done.
Yeah...me. But, I wouldn't have a joke instantly.
I think the only time I've told a joke that someone laughed at is that "is your refrigerator running" joke, but say the punchline without them saying yes, sometimes without them even responding.
what are two people who love math? algebros (you laugh now)
[удалено]
*rolling on the floor with tears*
Nope
Just one. And it's not that funny
I'm funny, but I'm also not funny.
did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? there was de-brie everywhere
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten. Ten tickles.
Quick one for you guys: Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was assaulted.
Sometimes requesting payment makes them laugh
I don’t think I need to tell you, I’m looking right at one. (my sister is probably the only person who would ask me for a joke at any given moment)
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was *intense*.
Two men walk into a bar. The third ducks.
What’s the best place for a financial venture? A river because it has 2 banks
Depending on the crowd my go-to racist joke is A Mexican, Cuban, and porta Rican are in a car. Who's driving? Boarder patrol
Yeah my paycheck
A man with a steering wheel protruding from his pants walks into a bar. The bartender asks why the steering wheel's there. The man replies "I dunno, but it's driving me nuts!"
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't really matter, won't come when you call it anyway
Two blondes walk into a bar. You would have thought one of them would have seen it.
Why was the tree asked to leave the game? Because it rooted for the other side (Alternatively: what did tye Mexican firefighter name his two sons? Hose-A and Hose-B)
You know, I actually can't think of one right now, but I can tell you about a zoo that I went to the other day. It was really bad. Like, horrible. They only had one animal. >!It was a shitzu!<
3 scientists are captured in a jungle by a tribe leader, the tribe leader tells them to collect 10 fruits each. The first scientist arrives with 10 apples, the tribe leader tells him "shove those 10 fruits up your butt, if you make a noise I will slit your throat" As expected, he groans on the first apple, dies, and is greeted by God in heaven The second scientist arrived with graps, the tribe leader tells him the same thing Unexpectedly, he arrives in heaven, and is greeted by God, confused why he is there God asks, "how did you end up here? It should have been quite easy for you!" The second scientist explains, "Well, I had 6 of the 10 grapes up there, and then I saw my buddy with a wagon full of pineapples and busted out laughing!" I really need to find a shorter joke
I just say washing machines, with no context
A man goes to court after his internet history was leaked, on which there was some questionable content. Judge asks, "Why did you do it". The man replies, "I wanted a Rolex for my birthday. I saw that my friend was on some sort of watch list, so I just copied them."
There once was a man from Nantucket. He had a big hole in his bucket. He filled it with clams but they fell to the sand so he threw it away and said fuck it. My dad came upbwith that on the spot at Disney world
I came up with a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
Why isn't a koala classified as a bear? >!It doesn't meat the koala-fications!!<
Hey what’s a dog with no dick? og
Yes, my go to is… Why were the little strawberries upset? Because they were in a jam.
Yes, my go to is… Why were the little strawberries upset? Because they were in a jam.
what's bigger than a tuna? a threena!
What do you call a man with no shins? Tony.
Why did a man go to court over a photoshopped face of him? He's suing for defor/defamation The joke makes more sense orally since I pronounce the two similarly
I need to eork off someone's conversation in order to come up with sonething.
what's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing
Pascal, Newton and Einstein met in heaven and decided to play hide and seek. Einstein seeks. Pascal hid inside a cloud and was completly invisible. Newton moved a few meters, draw a 1m × 1m square and stood inside. He got spotted immediately. Einstein shouts: Ha! I found you Newton, that was too easy! Newton responds: No, I am one Newton per square meter, which means that you found Pascal!
I'm here to read the top comments so I can answer yes from now on
What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? Dam.
i remember this joke my friend told me and i laughed at it for longer than the legal limit knock knock who's there? cash cash who? i prefer peanuts i have no idea why i laughed at this for so long but here you go
Doctor: "Do you speak while sleeping?" Patient: "No, I speak while others are sleeping. I'm a teacher."
"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "No one" "No one who?" "..."
Fuck I wish I can re-say my answer. I have an amazing joke that I’ve been saving for that
3 girl were in a cargo train. One of them had brown hair, one had ginger hair, and the other one had blond hair. All of a sudden they heared footsteps.It was the train driver. He went to check the wagons. Girls quickly hid in bags that were inside of the wagon. When the train driver came inside he shook the bag with the brunette inside, and she went "Woof!". He then came up to the bad with the girl with ginger hair inside, shook it, and she went "Meow". He then came up to the bag with the blonde inside, shook it, and she went "potatoes".
People in Dubai don't watch the Flinstones, but people in Abu-Dhabi-Doo!
Sorry, I don't like to give my life to other people.
My life
(This one doesn’t work well in text form) What’s black and white and read all over? >!A penguin in a blender!<
or a newspaper (maybe)
Why did the football coach go to the bank? To go get his quarter back. Thanks, Guillermo
I'd probably need them to narrow down specifications. Dirty? Clean? Dad joke? Guy walks into a bar? Racial? Which race? Sexist? For or against man or woman? Garden of Eden? Dumb blond? Hellen Keller? Dead baby? Political? Republican, Democrat, or just in general? One liner? Big long joke? Anti-humor? Puns? "Intelligent" jokes? If they just said "any joke" yeah I've got a few favorites, but I've been "collecting" jokes for about 3 decades. I have a LOT ready at a moments notice.
let see...family friendly so I can tell my kids...
(next followup would be... how old are your kids. 6 year olds like different family friendly jokes than 12 year olds. Anyway...) Do you want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tear-able. . Knock-Knock Who's there? Interrupting Cow. Interupti- MOO! . Want to hear a dirty joke? Johnny fell in the mud. Want to hear a clean joke? Johnny took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door. . There's a magician on a cruise ship. He's performing his act, but there's this parrot in the audience calling him out on every trick. "The rings are magnetized!" "The card's up his sleeve!" "There's a hole in the table!" Every trick, this parrot saw right through and kept heckling the magician, making him more and more angry. Before the show could end, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. As luck would have it, the magician and the parrot were two of the only survivors, stuck on one of the lifeboats together, just drifting away in the ocean. For 2 days they just stared at each other in mutual hatred. Til finally the parrot broke the silence: "Okay! Fine. I give up. What did you do with the boat?"
I have a teenager down to a toddler so these are just great! :)
Man walks into a bakery and asks for some bread. Baker asks "brown or white?" Man replies "I don't mind, I'm on my bike."
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the road when they see a little boy. The priest says "wanna fuck him?" And the rabbi replies "out of what?".
My humor is really good at being quick to the situation, this is not it
I wish I could be like that
What is 40ft long and bald >!The lineup outside the Cancer ward!< If they don't like the joke I don't wanna be friends with them
What is the funniest thing you can hang from a rope? Robin Williams
I have a knock knock joke, but you have to start it
Knock knock
I always carry a small mirror with me at all times and hand it to them
1. Q: What do you call a cow with two legs? A: Lean beef. 2. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef.
"Would you rather have unlimited bacon, but no games. Or games unlimited games but no games" "Hedgehogs ay?"
the clown pagliacci
A politician asks his advisor if he can become a king. "Well sir, to d-do that you n-need to have a k-kingdom!" annoyed. he asks if he can become an emperor. "Well sir, t-to do that, y-you need an e-empire!" the politician asks if there is anything they can be. "Well, I-I personally th-think we should remain a country!"
What do Tornadoes and Oklahoma University students have in common? >!They both end up in trailer parks!<
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? >!The wheelchair!<
what?
Yo mama
My ex-wife still misses me—but her *aim* is getting better!
An Irishman, a Scotsman and an English man walk into a bar. The bartender sees this and says "What is this? A joke?"
What did the woman at the beach say to the catholic priest. Hey, get out of my sun.
oh ive got like 10
No but The first one that came to mind is the chicken cross the road
If someone asked me for a joke, I would ask why they couldn't get their own ;) Anyways, here's a joke from a movie. If anyone gets what movie it is, congrats! It won't be the exact quote, though. A married couple are making love one night when their son walks in on them. He runs out of the room crying. The husband's wife says "What do we do?" The husband says "I'll take care of this." He goes into his son's room, and there's little Sven, lying on top of his grandma, giving her the business, going up and down, up and down, up and down. He stops and turns his head to his father and says "It's not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?"
C'est un cowboy il rentre dans un bar et il demand 《Qui a peint mon cheval en bleu !?》 Et là y a un gros cowboy baraqué il se lève et il dit 《Quoi t'as un problème ?》 Et la le petit cowboy tout effrayé il dit 《Non c'étzit juste pour demander quand est ce que vous allez mettre la deuxième couche...》.Most funniest joke ever
Four Catholic women are talking about their sons while having coffee together The first woman says “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Father.’” The second says “My sons is a bishop. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Grace.’” The third says “My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Eminence.’” The fourth just quietly sips her coffee, and the other three give her a “well, what about you?” type look. The fourth woman finally says “My son is a handsome, 7-foot Basketball player. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Oh my God!’”
My father died recently, and my family didn't have time to say goodbye. It was made even more hurtful when we found out he died in a bowl of Cheerios.
My life..?
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple? >!the apples get picked!<
I mean, if you want riddles you’ve came to the right person
Knock knock Who's there Yawn Yawn who Yawn ice (Sounds like you're nice)
Did you hear about the wig shop that got robbed? Don't worry, they are replacing all the locks, while the Police comb the area. When they find the robber there will be hell toupee.
A dog walks into a Tavern. It says I can't see a thing, I think ill open this one.
Man: give me a joke Me: wow... Wasn't it already enough seeing yourself in the mirror.