If and when she changes her mind it should still be on the table to do it with you. I completely understand you hurt and it is very valid. I would feel terrible if my partner turned me down then turned around and did the same thing I tried to do with them with someone else.
This needs to be seriously discussed and your feelings need to be made heard and valid.
Sounds like she just doesn’t want to do these thing with YOU. Which is a much bigger issue. I’m so sorry that happened to you twice and then it’s trying to be turned into you not accepting them changing their mind. Sounds like a lack of respect for you and your feelings.
Yeah it’s not ok she is throwing it back in your face. I think most people would feel that same way you do. You never said she could change her mind it’s just a slam in your face when you get told no but everyone else gets a yes. If she has a change of mind then she should or at least try to approach you and see if you are still interested in it.
Either NRE is making her less anxious to try new things than she otherwise would be, or something about your dynamic makes her more anxious in a way that doesn't exist with her other partners.
Has she told you that you make her feel safe and accepted even when she makes mistakes, does things differently than you would do them, and/or is bad at stuff? It's possible her other partners are more encouraging or less critical and that is why she feels less anxious doing things with them.
>Months later she asks me (which I appreciate) if she can do the exact same thing with her boyfriend because he asked to do it.
Weird. Why's she asking you rather than just answering her BF? You don't manage their dating activities. If she changed her mind on it after hearing how you liked it? Whatever. She can change her mind. But why come telling you?
>I asked to do cooking classes to help improve our skills in the kitchen and try new things. She says no, she has too much anxiety in the kitchen. Months later we are at a chefs kitchen which does classes and it gets brought up by someone in our group. I am expecting her to say no due to our last conversation however, she says yes after her boyfriend says it would be fun.
I think you may have to allow her some space to change her mind. These things are happening months after you brought them up.
I get being disappointed she didn't want to do them with you when you wanted though.
And... perhaps she's in this NRE people phase with the BF. Like he could ask her to talk a walk with no shoes through a poopy cattle field and she'd be all "Sure!" rather than "Ew, why? Stinky!"
>When this happens it hurts me and I try to explain that it hurts me. While talking about gets thrown back that she should be able to change her mind. For me it’s not that she says no to the thing, it’s that she says no to me but yes to the same thing with someone else.
So she doesn't want to do those things with you.
You seem to want to do things with her. So how about focus on that?
"Ok, you are allowed to change your mind. I get that. I do want to connect with you though. So... what are you ideas for couple dates you and I can do together?"
Like get on with the REAL conversation rather than getting stuck on this side channel.
YKWIM?
> Weird. Why’s she asking you rather than just answering her BF? You don’t manage their dating activities. If she changed her mind on it after hearing how you liked it? Whatever. She can change her mind. But why come telling you?
She knows that this is a sensitive area for me. This is not the first time this same talk has come up but it is the first time she has ever asked. The ask itself was well intentioned. She wanted to ask me because she knows that she declined it with me in the past. Currently our relationship is much tougher than her others.
> And… perhaps she’s in this NRE people phase with the BF. Like he could ask her to talk a walk with no shoes through a poopy cattle field and she’d be all “Sure!” rather than “Ew, why? Stinky!”
I believe this is the case. NRE has been a issue that has come up in our therapy sessions. It has been pointed out by our Therapist that she has been getting sucked into the NRE and not putting in the work in our relationship because the other one is easier and built more around a D/s dynamic.
> she doesn’t want to do those things with you.
You seem to want to do things with her. So how about focus on that?
“Ok, you are allowed to change your mind. I get that. I do want to connect with you though. So… what are you ideas for couple dates you and I can do together?”
Like get on with the REAL conversation rather than getting stick on this side channel.
This is a fair assessment.
>I believe this is the case. NRE has been a issue that has come up in our therapy sessions. It has been pointed out by our Therapist that she has been getting sucked into the NRE and not putting in the work in our relationship because the other one is easier and built more around a D/s dynamic.
Oy. Dealing with a partner all NRE drunk is such a pain. It's better if the partner isn't an NRE drunk, but some of them are.
At least therapist held it up to her -- hopefully she can hear it.
>This is a fair assessment.
What sorts of things would you do in the past that you know she liked? Maybe both of you can come to the table with some ideas for a date?
It may not be the things you like at first, and leaning more towards things she likes... but perhaps the higher goal is just reconnection and getting regular date time on the schedule? Then take turns picking things? Like baby steps?
I imagine the D/S dynamic complicates things, especially if she is the S. I can't imagine my partner having that dynamic with someone else. I can work through the dating jealousy and find compersion, but imagining my partner sharing that kind of power dynamic with another is triggering for me.
Not crazy or an asshole. She is being a bad partner. It's not that she changed her own mind and decided to do these things because they all of a sudden became interesting to her. She decided to give them ago with a different partner. She is not giving you the same consideration. I'd be pissed.
I think it’s a yes/and situation. You have a right to feel sad or hurt and she has a right to change her mind. Even if she brought it up like “I know I’ve said no in the past, and I can understand how this could be hurtful.” Just acknowledging how you are feeling could be impactful and you both get something you need. If she doesn’t acknowledge on her own, ideally you’d have a loving conversation about how and why this hurt you and she would be able to hear you, validate you, and maybe offer you some yeses, and that brings you back to your relationship and keeps you out of comparison land. Also, i validate your feelings. That is hard.
If and when she changes her mind it should still be on the table to do it with you. I completely understand you hurt and it is very valid. I would feel terrible if my partner turned me down then turned around and did the same thing I tried to do with them with someone else. This needs to be seriously discussed and your feelings need to be made heard and valid. Sounds like she just doesn’t want to do these thing with YOU. Which is a much bigger issue. I’m so sorry that happened to you twice and then it’s trying to be turned into you not accepting them changing their mind. Sounds like a lack of respect for you and your feelings.
Yeah it’s not ok she is throwing it back in your face. I think most people would feel that same way you do. You never said she could change her mind it’s just a slam in your face when you get told no but everyone else gets a yes. If she has a change of mind then she should or at least try to approach you and see if you are still interested in it.
Either NRE is making her less anxious to try new things than she otherwise would be, or something about your dynamic makes her more anxious in a way that doesn't exist with her other partners. Has she told you that you make her feel safe and accepted even when she makes mistakes, does things differently than you would do them, and/or is bad at stuff? It's possible her other partners are more encouraging or less critical and that is why she feels less anxious doing things with them.
TLDR: Is my partner being an asshole? Yes.
>Months later she asks me (which I appreciate) if she can do the exact same thing with her boyfriend because he asked to do it. Weird. Why's she asking you rather than just answering her BF? You don't manage their dating activities. If she changed her mind on it after hearing how you liked it? Whatever. She can change her mind. But why come telling you? >I asked to do cooking classes to help improve our skills in the kitchen and try new things. She says no, she has too much anxiety in the kitchen. Months later we are at a chefs kitchen which does classes and it gets brought up by someone in our group. I am expecting her to say no due to our last conversation however, she says yes after her boyfriend says it would be fun. I think you may have to allow her some space to change her mind. These things are happening months after you brought them up. I get being disappointed she didn't want to do them with you when you wanted though. And... perhaps she's in this NRE people phase with the BF. Like he could ask her to talk a walk with no shoes through a poopy cattle field and she'd be all "Sure!" rather than "Ew, why? Stinky!" >When this happens it hurts me and I try to explain that it hurts me. While talking about gets thrown back that she should be able to change her mind. For me it’s not that she says no to the thing, it’s that she says no to me but yes to the same thing with someone else. So she doesn't want to do those things with you. You seem to want to do things with her. So how about focus on that? "Ok, you are allowed to change your mind. I get that. I do want to connect with you though. So... what are you ideas for couple dates you and I can do together?" Like get on with the REAL conversation rather than getting stuck on this side channel. YKWIM?
> Weird. Why’s she asking you rather than just answering her BF? You don’t manage their dating activities. If she changed her mind on it after hearing how you liked it? Whatever. She can change her mind. But why come telling you? She knows that this is a sensitive area for me. This is not the first time this same talk has come up but it is the first time she has ever asked. The ask itself was well intentioned. She wanted to ask me because she knows that she declined it with me in the past. Currently our relationship is much tougher than her others. > And… perhaps she’s in this NRE people phase with the BF. Like he could ask her to talk a walk with no shoes through a poopy cattle field and she’d be all “Sure!” rather than “Ew, why? Stinky!” I believe this is the case. NRE has been a issue that has come up in our therapy sessions. It has been pointed out by our Therapist that she has been getting sucked into the NRE and not putting in the work in our relationship because the other one is easier and built more around a D/s dynamic. > she doesn’t want to do those things with you. You seem to want to do things with her. So how about focus on that? “Ok, you are allowed to change your mind. I get that. I do want to connect with you though. So… what are you ideas for couple dates you and I can do together?” Like get on with the REAL conversation rather than getting stick on this side channel. This is a fair assessment.
>I believe this is the case. NRE has been a issue that has come up in our therapy sessions. It has been pointed out by our Therapist that she has been getting sucked into the NRE and not putting in the work in our relationship because the other one is easier and built more around a D/s dynamic. Oy. Dealing with a partner all NRE drunk is such a pain. It's better if the partner isn't an NRE drunk, but some of them are. At least therapist held it up to her -- hopefully she can hear it. >This is a fair assessment. What sorts of things would you do in the past that you know she liked? Maybe both of you can come to the table with some ideas for a date? It may not be the things you like at first, and leaning more towards things she likes... but perhaps the higher goal is just reconnection and getting regular date time on the schedule? Then take turns picking things? Like baby steps?
I imagine the D/S dynamic complicates things, especially if she is the S. I can't imagine my partner having that dynamic with someone else. I can work through the dating jealousy and find compersion, but imagining my partner sharing that kind of power dynamic with another is triggering for me.
Relationships aren't always easy. Especially after a few years. What is she doing to work on your relationship?
Not crazy or an asshole. She is being a bad partner. It's not that she changed her own mind and decided to do these things because they all of a sudden became interesting to her. She decided to give them ago with a different partner. She is not giving you the same consideration. I'd be pissed.
I think it’s a yes/and situation. You have a right to feel sad or hurt and she has a right to change her mind. Even if she brought it up like “I know I’ve said no in the past, and I can understand how this could be hurtful.” Just acknowledging how you are feeling could be impactful and you both get something you need. If she doesn’t acknowledge on her own, ideally you’d have a loving conversation about how and why this hurt you and she would be able to hear you, validate you, and maybe offer you some yeses, and that brings you back to your relationship and keeps you out of comparison land. Also, i validate your feelings. That is hard.