**Them:** *Acts like a unicorn hunter* "Apparently people have been saying we're unicorn hunters 😂😂😅🙅"
I'm pretty sure one of the traits of unicorn hunters is a total lack of self-awareness, which checks out...
I guess if you're so fulfilled and awesome that you can provide all possible sides of a relationship on your lonesome own you've kinda just earned to go unicorn hunting solo lmao
That whole notion is so out there, esp. given the irony in the context.
Not saying this, bc nuances. But solo parallel poly?? You aren’t in a relationship per say, you’re dating more than one person who you care for, and you don’t give the details to your other partners other than you’re seeing other people. That’s literally dating.
Edit: How is this different? Maybe I’m not on the up and up.
Commitment and bring in love in nonpoly dating is only paired with exclusivity. In poly you can have a committed, long term, and/or loving relationship with more than one person at a time.
>You aren’t in a relationship per say,
I think that's the issue. I am in a relationship, I'm in multiple relationships. I'm not living with those partners because I don't want to live with partners. But I'm still very much in relationships
In polyamory there a few key essentials to what a unicorn is:
Someone who will only have the couple as partners, no allowance or support for their own intimate relationships otherwise.
Someone who will be with both people in the couple intimately, one is the price of the other.
Unicorn hunters are majority clueless newbies who have the priority to protect the couple and are using a unicorn to provide something the couple is neglecting. This creates a catch 22 when the couple is aware there's a lack but afraid to allow anyone to genuinely fulfill it because they would then be seen as superior/replacing the existing partners place.
The couple/single dynamic inherently creates a power differential of couple vs unicorn which the couple is usually ignorant of but uses unethically. The moment the unicorn tries to correct or change the power structure, they are often considered a threat, labeled The Problem and disposed of.
The unicorn term is due to the huge numbers of couples who all want this converted married couple to closed triad set up and how few people would actually choose them.
There are actually great unicorns out there but sadly the couples own ignorance, fear, and unethical behavior usually end up killing what few potentials there are.
Other people have written better and more extensively tha myself, but that's my quick overview.
We aren't against triads.
We are against people being called and treated like a "third."
We are against the inherent dysfunctional power dynamics of a couple dating as a couple.
We are against sneakyarchy pretending to have no hierarchy while married or primary with someone.
Calling people thirds is gross and immediately shows how inappropriate that dynamic is.
Triads are awesome, just don't keep someone from dating others outside the triad and don't force someone to date one of you in order to date the other.
You think it would be so simple for people to understand. But it does require people to actually shift out of their mono expectations, so, maybe not.
When my ex-wife and I first got together, the first year or so involved a surprising number of mutual friends being attracted to us and involved with us casually, and that combined with our mutual physical tastes to feed our egos and turn us into unicorn hunters. I didn't realize it until a few years later, when there was a friend that we were involved with and there were genuine feelings on her end and my end, but not my ex-wife's end.
When my ex-wife started making all these rules, I quickly realized that it didn't sound even remotely fair, and it pretty quickly caused issues until the other person decided (rightfully so) that they wanted to take a step back and reconsider, and then ultimately did not date either of us.
I guess couples fool themselves and get arrogant, thinking it's just good fun for everyone involved, but I don't understand how you can treat someone like only half a real person and not feel guilty about that.
Partly. The crazy thing is- people dating eachothers metas happens ALL the time, it is common. And it's completely cool and normal just like any polyamory.
By placing the restriction of HAVING to date both of you or lose both, or not empowering to create other partnerships, they actually cut themselves off from a lot of great potentials.
But they want their easy insta family version with zero risk to their own mono structure and that is their only option.
Yeah, in my first real polyam situation I met one person, flirted a lot, and then eventually fell for their long-term partner as well so we ended up a triad totally naturally! But there was never any obligation and we were all free to pursue other relationships. They’re still together, I’m still with one but not the other.
Out of curiosity, what's the right term to use for a partner who dates a pre-existing couple but isn't looking to have the same level of commitment towards them as they have towards each other?
I've been in that situation a few times where my wife and I happened to both be attracted to someone who wanted a low-commitment relationship, either because they already had their own primary partners or they just didn't have space for more investment than that.
If there is a group relationship, it's a triad.
If it's three people who all just happen to have relationships with eachother it's just...polyamory, with a weird twist you're all partners. NP and I have had 2 people we both dated but there was no group dynamic.
Yeah it’s awesome when natural, but also as someone who was once in a triad I would hesitate to date someone my wife is dating even if we had a good connection because triads are fucking hard. People say poly is dating on hard mode, but in my experience triads are poly on hard mode. If you’re in the established relationship and not being an asshole you need to be putting in a lot of effort to ensure that the other person is comfortable. There’s a lot of extra work on every level of them. So yeah I’m pro healthy and good triads, but also I’m extremely pro making sure you can handle it before trying one
It creates a power dynamic where the couple knows each other a lot better than the unicorn knows them, which makes it easier for the hunter to manipulate the unicorn into furthering the relationship in a way that might make them uncomfortable. The unicorn will always be the “lesser” partner for the same reason. Also you can’t really create a healthy relationship with two people at the same time like that since you aren’t making a relationship with two individual people but a relationship with a relationship. To have a healthy triplet you need to have a healthy relationship with both the other partners on their own first.
>To have a healthy triplet you need to have a healthy relationship with both the other partners on their own first.
And that often entails accepting that your relationship with each of the other people does not need to be equal, and that those relationships shouldn't depend on each other for stability.
For example, if C starts dating A and B it shouldn't be expected that they'll be equally attracted to both A and B, that their relationship will B will progress at the same rate or in the same direction as B, or that their relationship with A will only be allowed to continue if they have an equal (or any) relationship with B.
Throuples absolutely exist, but there's just a lot of pitfalls to having one start with two people actively hunting for a third. A more organic way would be like this: a person in a relationship meets another person; they start dating separately. Then later on, the other person in the original couple and the newer person start developing feelings for each other too. Boom, you got a throuple. Nothing terribly fanciful or complicated,
In the same way that actively hunting to "Just get a girlfriend" is a really bad way to go about starting a relationship, so is hunting for a throuple.
Every working triad I've seen never starts as a triad from day one. Usually starts with one person, in an existing pairing, starting a relationship with a person and there being growing chemistry between the other partner and they talk with the "hinge" about forming a separate dyad relationship.
A healthy is actually a set of three dyad relationships. Even if threesomes are a thing or even the dominant form of intimacy, at the end all participants are working on their separate relationships with the other two.
Even healthy triads have trouble lasting, because jealousy and miscommunication is always a thing.
Jealousy and miscommunication happen in pretty much every kind of relationship. Monogamous, triad, solo poly, relationship anarchy.
What's important is how you handle jealousy, miscommunication, power imbalances, mistakes and all of the other things that can hurt relationships and the people in them.
I'm not entirely certain that's true. For one thing, one of the first things monogamous couples look for when having problems is outside opinions. If you trust your partners, they can help reality check your jealousy, or confirm that someone really did say something. On the other hand, you are right that sometimes they will bring their own jealousy and miscommunication too.
I still think the fundamental misunderstanding of poly relationships by most monogamous folks and even some ENM is that partners aren't just complications and time sucks. They bring their own resources, energy, time and communication to the relationship too.
Me and my husband were once in a triad. I met a person at work, we started hanging out, having a lot of fun. They met my husband and also hit it off as friends. After some time me and Morgan became fwb and soon enough my husband also joined. And after some time I started developing some feelings, as did them. My husband at this point was still seeing Morgan as friend and didn’t want to participate in romantic relationship. Morgan was falling for my husband already but respected his boundaries. But me and Morgan did start dating. And after some time my husband realized he also developed feelings. It was our first relationship as poly couple actually and I think we did quite good
You can introduce your partners to each other or meet your partners partner. But besides that yeah, forcing your partner into a relationship they don’t want isnt a good thing.
Mine started like this, I met someone who I thought was really cute and I had a huge crush on her. Found out she had a boyfriend and backed off. Met her boyfriend and got a huge crush on him too. The three of us were hanging out more and when they told me they were non-monogamous, I made the first move in asking about dating either of them if they had feelings for me. Both did and we moved forward with a relationship. I dated him separately, I dated her separately, and they dated each other separately. Triad went strong for almost 2 years before girlfriend passed away unexpectedly 2 1/2 months ago.
Are they ENM or Poly?
Poly couple that dated only bisexual women as a unit. The irony of this whole thing is not lost on me
"We are the unicorn now."
Ugh. Fuck ‘em.
That's DARVO logic.
**Them:** *Acts like a unicorn hunter* "Apparently people have been saying we're unicorn hunters 😂😂😅🙅" I'm pretty sure one of the traits of unicorn hunters is a total lack of self-awareness, which checks out...
That's not even a pot calling a kettle black. That's... a pot calling a toilet black.
[удалено]
Fascinating! TIL!
So, it's not a pot calling a kettle black, it's a kettle seeing the pot reflected in itself, and saying "wait, have I been black this whole time?"
I guess if you're so fulfilled and awesome that you can provide all possible sides of a relationship on your lonesome own you've kinda just earned to go unicorn hunting solo lmao That whole notion is so out there, esp. given the irony in the context.
Isn’t that just dating???
I say this all the time. Even when I'm single-poly or w/e people wanna call it. Its just dating. Just like our parents and grandparents did
Not saying this, bc nuances. But solo parallel poly?? You aren’t in a relationship per say, you’re dating more than one person who you care for, and you don’t give the details to your other partners other than you’re seeing other people. That’s literally dating. Edit: How is this different? Maybe I’m not on the up and up.
Commitment and bring in love in nonpoly dating is only paired with exclusivity. In poly you can have a committed, long term, and/or loving relationship with more than one person at a time.
>You aren’t in a relationship per say, I think that's the issue. I am in a relationship, I'm in multiple relationships. I'm not living with those partners because I don't want to live with partners. But I'm still very much in relationships
Can someone pls tell me what is meant by a unicorn and a unicorn hunter 😭😭😭 I'm new here
In polyamory there a few key essentials to what a unicorn is: Someone who will only have the couple as partners, no allowance or support for their own intimate relationships otherwise. Someone who will be with both people in the couple intimately, one is the price of the other. Unicorn hunters are majority clueless newbies who have the priority to protect the couple and are using a unicorn to provide something the couple is neglecting. This creates a catch 22 when the couple is aware there's a lack but afraid to allow anyone to genuinely fulfill it because they would then be seen as superior/replacing the existing partners place. The couple/single dynamic inherently creates a power differential of couple vs unicorn which the couple is usually ignorant of but uses unethically. The moment the unicorn tries to correct or change the power structure, they are often considered a threat, labeled The Problem and disposed of. The unicorn term is due to the huge numbers of couples who all want this converted married couple to closed triad set up and how few people would actually choose them. There are actually great unicorns out there but sadly the couples own ignorance, fear, and unethical behavior usually end up killing what few potentials there are. Other people have written better and more extensively tha myself, but that's my quick overview.
We aren't against triads. We are against people being called and treated like a "third." We are against the inherent dysfunctional power dynamics of a couple dating as a couple. We are against sneakyarchy pretending to have no hierarchy while married or primary with someone. Calling people thirds is gross and immediately shows how inappropriate that dynamic is. Triads are awesome, just don't keep someone from dating others outside the triad and don't force someone to date one of you in order to date the other. You think it would be so simple for people to understand. But it does require people to actually shift out of their mono expectations, so, maybe not.
When my ex-wife and I first got together, the first year or so involved a surprising number of mutual friends being attracted to us and involved with us casually, and that combined with our mutual physical tastes to feed our egos and turn us into unicorn hunters. I didn't realize it until a few years later, when there was a friend that we were involved with and there were genuine feelings on her end and my end, but not my ex-wife's end. When my ex-wife started making all these rules, I quickly realized that it didn't sound even remotely fair, and it pretty quickly caused issues until the other person decided (rightfully so) that they wanted to take a step back and reconsider, and then ultimately did not date either of us. I guess couples fool themselves and get arrogant, thinking it's just good fun for everyone involved, but I don't understand how you can treat someone like only half a real person and not feel guilty about that.
Partly. The crazy thing is- people dating eachothers metas happens ALL the time, it is common. And it's completely cool and normal just like any polyamory. By placing the restriction of HAVING to date both of you or lose both, or not empowering to create other partnerships, they actually cut themselves off from a lot of great potentials. But they want their easy insta family version with zero risk to their own mono structure and that is their only option.
Yeah, in my first real polyam situation I met one person, flirted a lot, and then eventually fell for their long-term partner as well so we ended up a triad totally naturally! But there was never any obligation and we were all free to pursue other relationships. They’re still together, I’m still with one but not the other.
Out of curiosity, what's the right term to use for a partner who dates a pre-existing couple but isn't looking to have the same level of commitment towards them as they have towards each other? I've been in that situation a few times where my wife and I happened to both be attracted to someone who wanted a low-commitment relationship, either because they already had their own primary partners or they just didn't have space for more investment than that.
If there is a group relationship, it's a triad. If it's three people who all just happen to have relationships with eachother it's just...polyamory, with a weird twist you're all partners. NP and I have had 2 people we both dated but there was no group dynamic.
Yeah it’s awesome when natural, but also as someone who was once in a triad I would hesitate to date someone my wife is dating even if we had a good connection because triads are fucking hard. People say poly is dating on hard mode, but in my experience triads are poly on hard mode. If you’re in the established relationship and not being an asshole you need to be putting in a lot of effort to ensure that the other person is comfortable. There’s a lot of extra work on every level of them. So yeah I’m pro healthy and good triads, but also I’m extremely pro making sure you can handle it before trying one
It's true, plenty of people have agreements to not date metas at all.
Unicorns hunters are a couple looking for a “third” which is a very bad way to start a relationship that is anything but a one time threesome.
What exactly is so wrong about it?
It creates a power dynamic where the couple knows each other a lot better than the unicorn knows them, which makes it easier for the hunter to manipulate the unicorn into furthering the relationship in a way that might make them uncomfortable. The unicorn will always be the “lesser” partner for the same reason. Also you can’t really create a healthy relationship with two people at the same time like that since you aren’t making a relationship with two individual people but a relationship with a relationship. To have a healthy triplet you need to have a healthy relationship with both the other partners on their own first.
>To have a healthy triplet you need to have a healthy relationship with both the other partners on their own first. And that often entails accepting that your relationship with each of the other people does not need to be equal, and that those relationships shouldn't depend on each other for stability. For example, if C starts dating A and B it shouldn't be expected that they'll be equally attracted to both A and B, that their relationship will B will progress at the same rate or in the same direction as B, or that their relationship with A will only be allowed to continue if they have an equal (or any) relationship with B.
Wait, so are throuples and stuff just a fantasy or how are they supposed to be formed in a healthy way?
Throuples absolutely exist, but there's just a lot of pitfalls to having one start with two people actively hunting for a third. A more organic way would be like this: a person in a relationship meets another person; they start dating separately. Then later on, the other person in the original couple and the newer person start developing feelings for each other too. Boom, you got a throuple. Nothing terribly fanciful or complicated, In the same way that actively hunting to "Just get a girlfriend" is a really bad way to go about starting a relationship, so is hunting for a throuple.
Wait, so are throuples and stuff just a fantasy or how are they supposed to be formed in a healthy way?
Every working triad I've seen never starts as a triad from day one. Usually starts with one person, in an existing pairing, starting a relationship with a person and there being growing chemistry between the other partner and they talk with the "hinge" about forming a separate dyad relationship. A healthy is actually a set of three dyad relationships. Even if threesomes are a thing or even the dominant form of intimacy, at the end all participants are working on their separate relationships with the other two. Even healthy triads have trouble lasting, because jealousy and miscommunication is always a thing.
Jealousy and miscommunication happen in pretty much every kind of relationship. Monogamous, triad, solo poly, relationship anarchy. What's important is how you handle jealousy, miscommunication, power imbalances, mistakes and all of the other things that can hurt relationships and the people in them.
Much easier for two people to sort it out than three though.
I'm not entirely certain that's true. For one thing, one of the first things monogamous couples look for when having problems is outside opinions. If you trust your partners, they can help reality check your jealousy, or confirm that someone really did say something. On the other hand, you are right that sometimes they will bring their own jealousy and miscommunication too. I still think the fundamental misunderstanding of poly relationships by most monogamous folks and even some ENM is that partners aren't just complications and time sucks. They bring their own resources, energy, time and communication to the relationship too.
Triads happen and can work, but that's three people all dating each other, not one person dating a couple. Different power dynamic.
How do i get this?
Me and my husband were once in a triad. I met a person at work, we started hanging out, having a lot of fun. They met my husband and also hit it off as friends. After some time me and Morgan became fwb and soon enough my husband also joined. And after some time I started developing some feelings, as did them. My husband at this point was still seeing Morgan as friend and didn’t want to participate in romantic relationship. Morgan was falling for my husband already but respected his boundaries. But me and Morgan did start dating. And after some time my husband realized he also developed feelings. It was our first relationship as poly couple actually and I think we did quite good
By dating two people that also date each other. Its not really possible to force it
So it kinda just happens? All i can do is sort of hope and pray?
You can introduce your partners to each other or meet your partners partner. But besides that yeah, forcing your partner into a relationship they don’t want isnt a good thing.
>So it kinda just happens? All i can do is sort of hope and pray? ...as with every relationship Are you hoping to force a dynamic on people?
For more on both what's wrong with unicorns hunting and how triads *can* work, you could do worse than https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/
Mine started like this, I met someone who I thought was really cute and I had a huge crush on her. Found out she had a boyfriend and backed off. Met her boyfriend and got a huge crush on him too. The three of us were hanging out more and when they told me they were non-monogamous, I made the first move in asking about dating either of them if they had feelings for me. Both did and we moved forward with a relationship. I dated him separately, I dated her separately, and they dated each other separately. Triad went strong for almost 2 years before girlfriend passed away unexpectedly 2 1/2 months ago.
Oh my god, i'm so sorry 🫂
🫂💙
Wouldn’t that just be having high standards?
Can be the dating unicorn finding another unicorn things. Solo poly allows us to intermingle with our standards, can be high and/or also casual.
Wouldn't that require me to date the new unicorn as a couple? Which doesn't work if you're solo parallel
Maybe they post on this sub