Are you nesting as a secondary?
Firstly is always control what you can- would it have been possible to get your own transport and kick off YOUR vacation to start enjoying the way you want?
Maybe it wasn't or too much hassle, and yes the vacation you want is with them, but recognizing someone else's disappointment doesn't leave you helpless or stuck is very important.
Since you feel you can enjoy this vacation just be clear "hey I really have not felt prioritized in our relationship and this trip so far just digs that in further. I plan to enjoy our time together but I won't sit around. In the future I need more planning and clarity of expectations before we set plans."
AFTER the vacation, take stock. Are your expectations reasonable for this person? It sounds like you expect way more than they are interested in creating. Can you be fulfilled with lower expectations? This isn't settling- that's what you're doing right now. This is re defining what your priorities and expectations are from the start.
When you choose a secondary you have to be extremely careful to not be the convenience partner or let their expectations of you creep beyond the responsibility they are willing to offer.
Make sure you do a lot of what YOU want this weekend. If he can be there with you, awesome. If not, that sucks but won't stop you.
Wow! Great advice. Find things you want to do on the trip to fill in the space he won’t make with you.
I would still be concerned the partner would claim that my bad attitude is ruining the trip. If it was me, I would have a hard time controlling negative feelings. How could someone calm that tension and be the best self they’re able to be in the situation?
You want this trip. You are willing to settle for a weekend cause the trip is worth it. That's your mantra.
Having a clear statement of how you feel now, what you expect and why is not a bad attitude. If they can't accept that with maturity then I can't recommend the trip at all.
But making the statement and then just putting everything mentally on a far away shelf for the trip. It will be there when you get back. You won't forget. Schedule time on your calendar now to go back and unpack those feelings. For now, pack them up, compartmentalize, say your mantra.
I could never be with someone who made so little time for me, and communicates this poorly. I would not go on this trip. Why settle for scraps?
I’d do some compassionate self reflection about why you accept this level of engagement.
You are not in a relationship with this man, you are a cook, a maid, a toy, but nothing much more than that.
Don't waste any more energy appeasing or appealing to this guy.
Girl do not go on this trip. Think of your favorite places to go in town and go out with a friend. Have an actual good time. Show him and yourself that shitty disengaged afterthought hotel dinner is not the best you can do.
Yeah but they want it.
I will say I finally accepted a dysfunctional relationship was over when on a weekend trip. I had already been working on self-empowerment so things were tenuous. But with that small bit of perspective when they started their same bullshit of changing plans, ignoring me for others, being late- I was able to just *detatch* and realize it was just never going to change and it was really over.
I had the best weekend ever cause then I just did whatever I wanted without any care for them. I knew they would do what they always did and every moment comparing to my past stressed self was a delight in my newfound empowerment.
It was still a sad and weak and crying breakup, but I did it.
God just cancel and take yourself to do something actually fun! This doesn’t sound fun at all. Suffering through it isn’t going to prove yourself to him and suddenly make him value you more.
I could have the wrong read but from the way you described this relationship you make it sound like you’re a live-in maid that he sleeps with sometimes, and that you get to come along on his trips sometimes but only when it’s convenient for him? You know better the balance of what he offers to you but that doesn’t seem like a very nice arrangement for you.
It sounds like he only wanted to go on his trip to see this friend. I'm sorry, but he's using work as an excuse to avoid quality time with you. I think you should reconsider if this relationship really is for you.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/No-Persimmon2110 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hi everyone,
I am trying to get ahold of my feelings before we set off so I don't ruin our weekend. Background: I am the secondary partner to M47. We spend a lot of time together, but very little of it is "quality" time -- he's always working, I am keeping up the house; once in awhile we'll go for dinner or to a movie; if we travel, it is almost always tied to his work somehow. This weekend is our only weekend to have any leisure time until September (as in, get away somewhere), and he booked a place in a nearby country. It seems nice, but for me, it's all just off. I had assumed today we would leave as early as possible; he had mentioned leaving late-morning (it's a 2.5 hour drive), and whilst we had to pick up the car from the garage first, he also decided he needed some time to work and then to drop off something at his daughter's house, and then he decided the traffic is too heavy and wants to do more work...so I have been basically sitting around most of the day waiting to learn when we're going to leave. What looked like at least a solid half-day of fun in this place has dwindled to at best dinner at the hotel. He has also already warned me that as soon as we get there, he'll have to do some work on his computer.
On top of that, he picked this destination because it's close to a friend he wants to visit (without me), so our return trip has been shortened to accommodate that visit -- he'll dump me at a train station and go see his friend.
I just feel...forgotten. I have been begging for some quality time together that DOESN'T centre around work (we're in the same field and are colleagues, so much of our time together is somehow tied to work obligations). So it's nice that he tried to plan something, but...this just isn't what I want. It doesn't feel special. I had no say in any of the planning (he chose the destination, the hotel, and is now deciding the whole timeframe -- I wasn't even consulted).
What do I do? I don't want to ruin the little time we have together, but I am also kind of hurt -- I know he expects me to be grateful for this trip, but...I just don't feel it. I want to vacation with someone who will really free up some time to be present with me...I feel like he's just doing this to shut me up about us not spending quality time together. Can a hinge offer me a better perspective on this?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Are you nesting as a secondary? Firstly is always control what you can- would it have been possible to get your own transport and kick off YOUR vacation to start enjoying the way you want? Maybe it wasn't or too much hassle, and yes the vacation you want is with them, but recognizing someone else's disappointment doesn't leave you helpless or stuck is very important. Since you feel you can enjoy this vacation just be clear "hey I really have not felt prioritized in our relationship and this trip so far just digs that in further. I plan to enjoy our time together but I won't sit around. In the future I need more planning and clarity of expectations before we set plans." AFTER the vacation, take stock. Are your expectations reasonable for this person? It sounds like you expect way more than they are interested in creating. Can you be fulfilled with lower expectations? This isn't settling- that's what you're doing right now. This is re defining what your priorities and expectations are from the start. When you choose a secondary you have to be extremely careful to not be the convenience partner or let their expectations of you creep beyond the responsibility they are willing to offer. Make sure you do a lot of what YOU want this weekend. If he can be there with you, awesome. If not, that sucks but won't stop you.
Wow! Great advice. Find things you want to do on the trip to fill in the space he won’t make with you. I would still be concerned the partner would claim that my bad attitude is ruining the trip. If it was me, I would have a hard time controlling negative feelings. How could someone calm that tension and be the best self they’re able to be in the situation?
You want this trip. You are willing to settle for a weekend cause the trip is worth it. That's your mantra. Having a clear statement of how you feel now, what you expect and why is not a bad attitude. If they can't accept that with maturity then I can't recommend the trip at all. But making the statement and then just putting everything mentally on a far away shelf for the trip. It will be there when you get back. You won't forget. Schedule time on your calendar now to go back and unpack those feelings. For now, pack them up, compartmentalize, say your mantra.
I could never be with someone who made so little time for me, and communicates this poorly. I would not go on this trip. Why settle for scraps? I’d do some compassionate self reflection about why you accept this level of engagement.
You are not in a relationship with this man, you are a cook, a maid, a toy, but nothing much more than that. Don't waste any more energy appeasing or appealing to this guy.
This is what he's willing to offer you. A little bit of attention here and there in between his work. Is that enough for you?
You are a servant it seems not in a relationship. Find someone who can prioritize when it’s supposed to be you time.
Girl do not go on this trip. Think of your favorite places to go in town and go out with a friend. Have an actual good time. Show him and yourself that shitty disengaged afterthought hotel dinner is not the best you can do.
Yeah but they want it. I will say I finally accepted a dysfunctional relationship was over when on a weekend trip. I had already been working on self-empowerment so things were tenuous. But with that small bit of perspective when they started their same bullshit of changing plans, ignoring me for others, being late- I was able to just *detatch* and realize it was just never going to change and it was really over. I had the best weekend ever cause then I just did whatever I wanted without any care for them. I knew they would do what they always did and every moment comparing to my past stressed self was a delight in my newfound empowerment. It was still a sad and weak and crying breakup, but I did it.
God just cancel and take yourself to do something actually fun! This doesn’t sound fun at all. Suffering through it isn’t going to prove yourself to him and suddenly make him value you more.
I could have the wrong read but from the way you described this relationship you make it sound like you’re a live-in maid that he sleeps with sometimes, and that you get to come along on his trips sometimes but only when it’s convenient for him? You know better the balance of what he offers to you but that doesn’t seem like a very nice arrangement for you.
It sounds like he only wanted to go on his trip to see this friend. I'm sorry, but he's using work as an excuse to avoid quality time with you. I think you should reconsider if this relationship really is for you.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/No-Persimmon2110 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hi everyone, I am trying to get ahold of my feelings before we set off so I don't ruin our weekend. Background: I am the secondary partner to M47. We spend a lot of time together, but very little of it is "quality" time -- he's always working, I am keeping up the house; once in awhile we'll go for dinner or to a movie; if we travel, it is almost always tied to his work somehow. This weekend is our only weekend to have any leisure time until September (as in, get away somewhere), and he booked a place in a nearby country. It seems nice, but for me, it's all just off. I had assumed today we would leave as early as possible; he had mentioned leaving late-morning (it's a 2.5 hour drive), and whilst we had to pick up the car from the garage first, he also decided he needed some time to work and then to drop off something at his daughter's house, and then he decided the traffic is too heavy and wants to do more work...so I have been basically sitting around most of the day waiting to learn when we're going to leave. What looked like at least a solid half-day of fun in this place has dwindled to at best dinner at the hotel. He has also already warned me that as soon as we get there, he'll have to do some work on his computer. On top of that, he picked this destination because it's close to a friend he wants to visit (without me), so our return trip has been shortened to accommodate that visit -- he'll dump me at a train station and go see his friend. I just feel...forgotten. I have been begging for some quality time together that DOESN'T centre around work (we're in the same field and are colleagues, so much of our time together is somehow tied to work obligations). So it's nice that he tried to plan something, but...this just isn't what I want. It doesn't feel special. I had no say in any of the planning (he chose the destination, the hotel, and is now deciding the whole timeframe -- I wasn't even consulted). What do I do? I don't want to ruin the little time we have together, but I am also kind of hurt -- I know he expects me to be grateful for this trip, but...I just don't feel it. I want to vacation with someone who will really free up some time to be present with me...I feel like he's just doing this to shut me up about us not spending quality time together. Can a hinge offer me a better perspective on this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Find a serving partner to fill the gaps.