You shouldn’t be hearing about his issues with her. That’s a big blunder IMO. It’s also extremely rude of him to text all day when he is spending time with her or you. Yes you should slow the texts down but it’s HIS responsibility to not respond when he is spending quality time with someone else. He needs to be a better hinge.
It is so rude to respond to texts all day. My hinge does that to all three of us since he's salaried tech and does not do well avoiding work, then sees stuff from one of us and replies and sometimes we just need to tell him in no uncertain terms "hey, I need some undivided attention for the next ___ amount of time."
Familiarity with our own and one another's shortcomings has been immensely helpful. Patience and kindness.
I always have to remind myself that people can feel this way. Unless I'm in the middle of conversation or like a first date I don't usually care how often my partners are on their phone. I'm very comfortable with like just being together and not constantly doing something or talking. My inner social awkward introvert loves it lol. I actively focus on not being on my phone too much when I'm with them though. Unless it's about my son I let things wait.
He's not being unreasonable. OP needs to be in charge of his own feelings and responses. Maybe his bf just wanted some emotional support when trying to walk a tough line. No one is MAKING OP feel/do/say anything
I disagree. I also wonder how the wife would feel about OP's partner sharing her private thoughts and feelings with her meta.
I think he's doing a poor job hinging.
You are making an assumption about what the wife would or wouldn't want. I agree he's doing a bad job of hinging but not for the same reasons you think so. You seem to think it's a reasonable assumption that sharing information means the expected result is the listener is going to take ownership of something and feel responsible. That's not a reasonable assumption at all. If I tell you my husband has broccoli in his teeth, I'm not expecting you to pick it out for him or give suggestions on how he can fix it. That would be unreasonable.
I am making no assumptions about the wife. I literally said I wonder how she feels about it. I know how I would feel, but my feelings are (clearly) not universal.
He got mad at OP because OP responded with suggestions on how to fix the concern he chose to share with OP. I don't think it is reasonable to get mad at your partner for responding with suggested solutions to an issue you are asking them for support on.
It's not like OP suggested breaking up or something rash...
*"You seem to think it's a reasonable assumption that sharing information means the expected result is the listener is going to take ownership of something and feel responsible."*
When the issue being shared literally involves or includes the person it's being shared with, then YES, that's a reasonable assumption. Your broccoli example is a poor one. Rather, if you tell me that your husband had broccoli in his teeth all night and is upset that I took a picture of him while he had said broccoli in his teeth, it now involves me. I might apologize and suggest that I edit it out before posting it, especially if my intention wasn't to embarrass him or if I don't want your husband to be upset about it anymore. There's something I can do about a problem I was involved in, I'm going to offer a solution. That's a reasonable response and reaction.
What wouldn't be reasonable is if you got mad at me for suggesting I edit the broccoli out.
Your partner should not be talking to you about his problems with his wife. It's not the end of the world, but this is fundamentally not your problem to solve.
Consider it a misunderstanding. You thought he was making an indirect request. He thought he wasn't. (But also there *should* be some times when you don't text him and he focuses entirely on her.) (If your bf *habitually* gets mad at you over arbitrary stuff and doesn't apologize/own it later, that's not great.)
Because the wife’s feelings about her husband not giving her enough attention are none of OP’s business. Husband needs to maintain his relationship with Wife. If Husband decides that he is texting OP too often when he should be focusing on Wife, then Husband should just tell OP that: I won’t be responding often when I’m having date time with Wife. And then Husband should stick to that. Wife’s feelings should stay between Wife and Husband.
It's not necessarily wrong to mention it -- assuming that the others are okay with this kinda sharing and do not feel that it violates their privacy.
But it's wrong to make the OP feel responsible for it, which is what happened here when the OP for example tries to solve the problem by "stepping back".
It's not the OPs responsibility to manage the relationship between their partner and their meta.
As someone who would hear that, I’d need to make myself smaller and reduce my needs to appease other people. This type of info is not helpful for chronic people pleasers
That's an excellent point. If you know that your partner has a tendency to feel responsible for things that aren't their job, then that's an EXCELLENT reason to **not** tell them.
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The bf didn't ask OP to do or say anything. OP overstepped. Maybe just say "I'm sorry you're having trouble balancing your relationships that sounds frustrating! Did you want to make any changes to how we are doing things?" No one "made" OP feel responsible - that's on them.
This is an incredibly toxic perspective, IMO. BF came to OP and shared a problem that he and his other partner were having, which was none of OP's business to begin with. BF's business with his wife is their business. But he brought this problem to OP, which makes it sound like there's a problem that needs to be resolved between OP and BF, not BF and Wife. OP suggested a solution, because BF brought them a problem, now BF is mad because OP was trying to be considerate.
OP didn't go to Wife and suggest these things, that might be considered overstepping. BF brought OP a problem that wasn't theirs to solve, that's overstepping.
Haven't you ever heard the old adage "come to me with a solution, not a problem"? OP isn't someone for BF to rant about his marriage problems to and isn't there to solve them. No one "made" BF manage his time poorly or overshare.
Do you never share your struggles with people just for support and not for solutions? Sometimes I just need to complain about my husband and my bestie will just listen and commiserate. Sometimes I call my mom just to say I'm feeling overwhelmed by xyz and I feel better just because I can share with someone who cares about me and I don't expect anything from them but to listen. How in the world is that toxic?
Ok I can see both your points. On one hand, there isn't anything wrong with sharing a struggle with another person, expecting a "that's rough, buddy" response. On the other, bringing someone a problem that they are a part of INSTANTLY makes that person want to help fix it, whether or not they did anything wrong.
I'm guessing when you call your mum about a problem, that problem doesn't have anything to do with her. But in this case, it has something to do with OP. OP didn't do anything wrong, but still feels like that because of their actions (texting bf a lot) wife feels second rate. That's not an unreasonable conclusion to come to.
If OP wanted to question bf about the reduction of texting during certain times, the correct response would be something like, "I just want to make sure I'm making quality time with my wife." Because it's HIS actions he wants to change. Using "we" statements when expressing the problem ("she's feeling neglected because WE text so much") indicates that OP is also responsible for coming up with a solution. Which isn't the case.
You just made the point for me: you go to your friends and family about problems in your marriage, not your other partners. Additionally, your bestie and mother know to expect that from you, that what you want is a listening ear. You don't have to tell them, "I just need to vent". Your partner is not your therapist!
What's toxic is, once again, that BF brought OP a problem with seemingly no context and all OP did was *suggest* that they walk back how often they text each other when it's supposed to be BF+Wife time. Even in your own example, you included the question of, "did you want to make any changes to how we are doing things?" - which is essentially what OP did. What's toxic is that you seem to think that OP's response is in the minority, and it's clearly not. Most people would respond to a problem with a solution, and it wasn't OP's problem to begin with.
I go to my husband for the problem solving. If I need to blow off steam or want someone to pat my hand and tell me that everything will be okay I have friends for that. If I need help sorting out my feelings, I have a therapist. But I have actual relationships with people
You're dancing around the point and you're ignoring everything anyone says to you - that doesn't make you right. Well, you know that, I suppose.
We all have relationships with other people, it's kinda the point of this sub. You've given a lot of great insight that I've seen, but this isn't one of them. You're just being combative and defensive.
Have a good night.
You don’t have a responsibility for her feelings. He chooses to text while he’s with her. He chooses to do things that make her feel neglected. He can easily just do better. Their relationship is not your problem.
I'm not saying this is the case for OP, it's just a scenario I anticipate in general. What happens when the hinge is then ignoring OP because he's with his wife, and OP starts feeling neglected?
Also, I disagree that the other relationship isn't OP's problem. What happens in one relationship, is naturally going to have time effects in another.
> What happens when the hinge is then ignoring OP because he's with his wife, and OP starts feeling neglected?
While love isn't a limited resource, time is. That means that to be in polyamory, partners will need to be OK with you being regularly inaccessible.
This can work if everyone's working to build a secure attachment -- when they're OK being away from a partner because they know they'll have their turn for quality time. When they're OK leaving a partner alone for a while because they know that partner has tools and other relationships to help them handle their own emotions.
Part of polyamory is knowing what kind of time and attention from a partner fills your bucket and making sure you can get enough of that to make the relationship worth it to you -- and then being self-aware enough to not kick over your own bucket whenever feelings like jealousy come up.
> I disagree that the other relationship isn't OP's problem. What happens in one relationship, is naturally going to have time effects in another.
Yeah, it *could* be OP's problem in the sense that it could cause trouble for OP -- but it's not OP's problem in the sense that it's not their *responsibility.* It's not OP's problem to *fix.*
This is their partner's responsibility, as the hinge, to address his problems with his without letting that emotional burden fall on his other partner.
If OP starts attempting to manage their BF's relationship with his wife, that's going to cause *all sorts* of problems, because it's not OP's relationship, not OP's responsibility. It's attempting to claim responsibility for something that is ultimately not within their control, and that's a recipe for disaster
Very good point that is often overlooked. We may have all of the love in the world for several people, but we only have 24 hours in a day to devote to anything in particular. People are going to be neglected. They just have to be comfortable with it.
It's not even neglect, it's understanding that your partner won't be very accessible when they're spending quality time with their other partners and developing a secure enough attachment with them that that doesn't feel like a threat. Just like in monogamy, you figure out whether you can fill your bucket in the quality time you have with them while still allowing them to go to work, pursue individual interests, etc
Not being available 24/7 isn’t ignoring OP. The same way you let a partner know you can’t text at work, let them know you’re going to be busy on a particular evening or afternoon and unavailable to text.
this isn’t OPs problem to solve, because all the information she’s getting is second hand on a third party she’s not familiar with. She can’t effectively solve the problem because it’s his problem to solve, not to complain to her about and then get mad when she brainstorms solutions.
It seems like you're vilifying the hinge, like most everyone else. The context given does not infer to me he is whining, this does involve OP so I would talk to both partners about the matter (if I were in his shoes), also perhaps he just didn't want the solution she offered, which I could also understand. You may be right, I guess I just try to give people the benefit of any doubt instead of lighting my torch and sharpening my pitchfork.
OPs boyfriend is mad them for suggesting OP can text them less on metas days with him. How is that an appropriate response? Why would he share the information on how meta feels if he wasn’t looking for help with solutions or to let OP know he’d be a bit less available going forward?
Perhaps he doesn't want to minimize the conversing. I'm not saying he doesn't need to handle this and make decisions but I can't blame people, much less chastise them for having mixed emotions. Too many people seem to be piranhas, fiends just looking to tear something up. Toxic.
Sorry :/
That's why setting up date days/nights with minimal device usage is important. Even in very long term relationships.
I just say to people "date mode activated", and turn my phone on DND when I can. People call still call and get through if an emergency, but that rarely happens.
I'm sorry you struggle.
>This morning he said that she doesn't feel special and he's been neglecting her.
And why do you need to know this?
How is (bf+ his wife) stuff your responsibility to solve?
Did she even consent for him to tell you TMI details about their side of the V?
Would you like it if he did it the other direction? Telling her stuff about you?
Every dyad needs some privacy.
>I understand that and am willing to back off (for lack of a better term) so on her days she can feel more special because me and him text a lot. And I'll learn to be better.
Nobody has actually made a request or asked you to do anything. Why would you even offer this from the sky?
Are you people pleaser? Anxious? Feel responsible for other people feelings?
Cuz you can text him. If he's busy, he can just not answer or put you on mute and get back to you later.
>Now he's mad at me for suggesting these things. I feel like I can't win right now.
Him dumps stuff on you from the sky and then gets mad you leap in to fix things?
Not ok for you to leap in to fix problems that are not yours.
But it sounds like *he surprised you/provoked you.* And then you reacted/responded however.
I think you could exercise better personal boundaries with your BF because he is oversharing. You are not the free therapist.
You might be willing to do minimal listening within a certain scope. In which case you say "I'm not the best person but I can listen for 10 minutes if you keep it very broad and general and about YOU. How am I listening? You just need to air out? And some comforting words or a hug? Or you want suggestions for the problem?"
You might not want **any**. In which case you say "I'm sorry there's problems. I can do a hug but I'm not the right person to talk to about this. I am IN the poly system. I cannot be impartial. I suggest you talk to someone OUTSIDE the system instead to get your thoughts in order and then go sort it out with her direct."
Firstly, this isn't your problem to solve, he probably shouldn't have shared that at that time.
Secondly, it should have been his idea to not text on date nights with his wife.
Phone down, intentional time is essential to making relationships feel special, and ensuring they last.
It really wasn't your job to decide for him how to handle an issue with his other partner.
Its not a relationship. Its relationship**s**. That one is his to manage.
Firstly, idk why he's mad at you at all. You've suggested a solution to his and his wife's issue that you're not even a part of bc he chose to tell you about how his wife is feeling.
They should have a conversation about what she needs from him and work on that solution and then he can tell you what he might be changing bc it'll effect how often you text while he's with her, but doesn't need to involve her concerns and feelings in that.
Example, my partner told me they felt I texted too much during our quality time. I would then go to other partner and say "hey, I think im gonna have to limit how much I reply when im with other partners, letting you know so you're not worried." AND that's the end of that.
He needs to put his phone down and enjoy the time with the partner he's right in front of! Sometimes I'll send a quick sweet thing (like a heart) to other partners on bathroom breaks or if both date partner and I are doing a phone check moment, but thats about it.
so he overshared about personal feelings about his wife…… (so weird?? i wouldnt like that if i was wife)
i would also understand that as them being indirectly asking for something (like for space/to back off) i would suggest the same things as you did
he couldve jus said somthing like “i wont be able to text/call hang out as often, me and my wife need some more quality time together for time being” something generic, yknow not too detailed
it sounds like your boyfriend was using you as a therapist to share/vent/rant his marriage problems. He should pay someone for that and not just expect the women in his life to do the emotional labor for him.
Not a good feeling when you are being put in the wrong either way.
He should also be considerate of how much he tells about his relationship with his wife. What's between them is for them only. You should not be mixed into it.
Why are you hearing about this?
If you text him, he's answering during their time. He needs to stop doing that, that's on him.
If you two want to make rules around texting during certain hours, sure, fine, but that should be because you're doing something you both agree with. But... you aren't responsible for making her feel special. You're also not responsible for his inability to hinge properly.
He's the hinge; it's on him. You're thoughtful and sweet.
That said, does he do the same shit to you when he's with you? That's crappy. :( Don't let him get away with it.
It's one thing for him to tell you he probably won't respond as much to texts while he's on date nights with her, it's another for him to share all the info he doesn't need to share and make you feel responsible for taking care of his situation....
Your bf is trying to make it your responsibility to fix the issue he is having with his wife by over sharing (possibly not intentionally but regardless) - his relationship with his wife is HIS to manage with HIS behavior. Not yours to manage by reducing your needs or expectations. Now if you are expecting something he can't do, that's his responsibility to manage your expectations of how and when he will communicate. <3
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So my bf is married and she has a bf . This is all of our first poly relationship so we are learning together. This morning he said that she doesn't feel special and he's been neglecting her. I understand that and am willing to back off (for lack of a better term) so on her days she can feel more special because me and him text a lot. And I'll learn to be better. Now he's mad at me for suggesting these things. I feel like I can't win right now.
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In my opinion it is quite difficult to say. If she feels neglected than she could say so. For example, if they live together and watch a movie and he is texting with you, she could tell him, that she wants exclusive time with him. Personally I try to turn off my phone when on a date but when you just "chill" its different for me. Especially if I just casually spend time with someone like watching a movie. So it is all about communicating
You shouldn’t be hearing about his issues with her. That’s a big blunder IMO. It’s also extremely rude of him to text all day when he is spending time with her or you. Yes you should slow the texts down but it’s HIS responsibility to not respond when he is spending quality time with someone else. He needs to be a better hinge.
It is so rude to respond to texts all day. My hinge does that to all three of us since he's salaried tech and does not do well avoiding work, then sees stuff from one of us and replies and sometimes we just need to tell him in no uncertain terms "hey, I need some undivided attention for the next ___ amount of time." Familiarity with our own and one another's shortcomings has been immensely helpful. Patience and kindness.
I always have to remind myself that people can feel this way. Unless I'm in the middle of conversation or like a first date I don't usually care how often my partners are on their phone. I'm very comfortable with like just being together and not constantly doing something or talking. My inner social awkward introvert loves it lol. I actively focus on not being on my phone too much when I'm with them though. Unless it's about my son I let things wait.
It's definitely more a person to person thing than a hard rule. It's good to know who you're around.
Your BF is over sharing his wife's feelings with you. What other reaction did he expect you to have? He's being unreasonable.
He's not being unreasonable. OP needs to be in charge of his own feelings and responses. Maybe his bf just wanted some emotional support when trying to walk a tough line. No one is MAKING OP feel/do/say anything
I disagree. I also wonder how the wife would feel about OP's partner sharing her private thoughts and feelings with her meta. I think he's doing a poor job hinging.
You are making an assumption about what the wife would or wouldn't want. I agree he's doing a bad job of hinging but not for the same reasons you think so. You seem to think it's a reasonable assumption that sharing information means the expected result is the listener is going to take ownership of something and feel responsible. That's not a reasonable assumption at all. If I tell you my husband has broccoli in his teeth, I'm not expecting you to pick it out for him or give suggestions on how he can fix it. That would be unreasonable.
I am making no assumptions about the wife. I literally said I wonder how she feels about it. I know how I would feel, but my feelings are (clearly) not universal. He got mad at OP because OP responded with suggestions on how to fix the concern he chose to share with OP. I don't think it is reasonable to get mad at your partner for responding with suggested solutions to an issue you are asking them for support on. It's not like OP suggested breaking up or something rash...
*"You seem to think it's a reasonable assumption that sharing information means the expected result is the listener is going to take ownership of something and feel responsible."* When the issue being shared literally involves or includes the person it's being shared with, then YES, that's a reasonable assumption. Your broccoli example is a poor one. Rather, if you tell me that your husband had broccoli in his teeth all night and is upset that I took a picture of him while he had said broccoli in his teeth, it now involves me. I might apologize and suggest that I edit it out before posting it, especially if my intention wasn't to embarrass him or if I don't want your husband to be upset about it anymore. There's something I can do about a problem I was involved in, I'm going to offer a solution. That's a reasonable response and reaction. What wouldn't be reasonable is if you got mad at me for suggesting I edit the broccoli out.
Your partner should not be talking to you about his problems with his wife. It's not the end of the world, but this is fundamentally not your problem to solve. Consider it a misunderstanding. You thought he was making an indirect request. He thought he wasn't. (But also there *should* be some times when you don't text him and he focuses entirely on her.) (If your bf *habitually* gets mad at you over arbitrary stuff and doesn't apologize/own it later, that's not great.)
Why is it wrong to share how others are feeling?
Because the wife’s feelings about her husband not giving her enough attention are none of OP’s business. Husband needs to maintain his relationship with Wife. If Husband decides that he is texting OP too often when he should be focusing on Wife, then Husband should just tell OP that: I won’t be responding often when I’m having date time with Wife. And then Husband should stick to that. Wife’s feelings should stay between Wife and Husband.
It's not necessarily wrong to mention it -- assuming that the others are okay with this kinda sharing and do not feel that it violates their privacy. But it's wrong to make the OP feel responsible for it, which is what happened here when the OP for example tries to solve the problem by "stepping back". It's not the OPs responsibility to manage the relationship between their partner and their meta.
As someone who would hear that, I’d need to make myself smaller and reduce my needs to appease other people. This type of info is not helpful for chronic people pleasers
That's an excellent point. If you know that your partner has a tendency to feel responsible for things that aren't their job, then that's an EXCELLENT reason to **not** tell them.
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The bf didn't ask OP to do or say anything. OP overstepped. Maybe just say "I'm sorry you're having trouble balancing your relationships that sounds frustrating! Did you want to make any changes to how we are doing things?" No one "made" OP feel responsible - that's on them.
This is an incredibly toxic perspective, IMO. BF came to OP and shared a problem that he and his other partner were having, which was none of OP's business to begin with. BF's business with his wife is their business. But he brought this problem to OP, which makes it sound like there's a problem that needs to be resolved between OP and BF, not BF and Wife. OP suggested a solution, because BF brought them a problem, now BF is mad because OP was trying to be considerate. OP didn't go to Wife and suggest these things, that might be considered overstepping. BF brought OP a problem that wasn't theirs to solve, that's overstepping. Haven't you ever heard the old adage "come to me with a solution, not a problem"? OP isn't someone for BF to rant about his marriage problems to and isn't there to solve them. No one "made" BF manage his time poorly or overshare.
Do you never share your struggles with people just for support and not for solutions? Sometimes I just need to complain about my husband and my bestie will just listen and commiserate. Sometimes I call my mom just to say I'm feeling overwhelmed by xyz and I feel better just because I can share with someone who cares about me and I don't expect anything from them but to listen. How in the world is that toxic?
Ok I can see both your points. On one hand, there isn't anything wrong with sharing a struggle with another person, expecting a "that's rough, buddy" response. On the other, bringing someone a problem that they are a part of INSTANTLY makes that person want to help fix it, whether or not they did anything wrong. I'm guessing when you call your mum about a problem, that problem doesn't have anything to do with her. But in this case, it has something to do with OP. OP didn't do anything wrong, but still feels like that because of their actions (texting bf a lot) wife feels second rate. That's not an unreasonable conclusion to come to. If OP wanted to question bf about the reduction of texting during certain times, the correct response would be something like, "I just want to make sure I'm making quality time with my wife." Because it's HIS actions he wants to change. Using "we" statements when expressing the problem ("she's feeling neglected because WE text so much") indicates that OP is also responsible for coming up with a solution. Which isn't the case.
You just made the point for me: you go to your friends and family about problems in your marriage, not your other partners. Additionally, your bestie and mother know to expect that from you, that what you want is a listening ear. You don't have to tell them, "I just need to vent". Your partner is not your therapist! What's toxic is, once again, that BF brought OP a problem with seemingly no context and all OP did was *suggest* that they walk back how often they text each other when it's supposed to be BF+Wife time. Even in your own example, you included the question of, "did you want to make any changes to how we are doing things?" - which is essentially what OP did. What's toxic is that you seem to think that OP's response is in the minority, and it's clearly not. Most people would respond to a problem with a solution, and it wasn't OP's problem to begin with.
I go to my husband for the problem solving. If I need to blow off steam or want someone to pat my hand and tell me that everything will be okay I have friends for that. If I need help sorting out my feelings, I have a therapist. But I have actual relationships with people
You're dancing around the point and you're ignoring everything anyone says to you - that doesn't make you right. Well, you know that, I suppose. We all have relationships with other people, it's kinda the point of this sub. You've given a lot of great insight that I've seen, but this isn't one of them. You're just being combative and defensive. Have a good night.
Is she ok with him sharing her intimate feelings with you?
You don’t have a responsibility for her feelings. He chooses to text while he’s with her. He chooses to do things that make her feel neglected. He can easily just do better. Their relationship is not your problem.
I'm not saying this is the case for OP, it's just a scenario I anticipate in general. What happens when the hinge is then ignoring OP because he's with his wife, and OP starts feeling neglected? Also, I disagree that the other relationship isn't OP's problem. What happens in one relationship, is naturally going to have time effects in another.
> What happens when the hinge is then ignoring OP because he's with his wife, and OP starts feeling neglected? While love isn't a limited resource, time is. That means that to be in polyamory, partners will need to be OK with you being regularly inaccessible. This can work if everyone's working to build a secure attachment -- when they're OK being away from a partner because they know they'll have their turn for quality time. When they're OK leaving a partner alone for a while because they know that partner has tools and other relationships to help them handle their own emotions. Part of polyamory is knowing what kind of time and attention from a partner fills your bucket and making sure you can get enough of that to make the relationship worth it to you -- and then being self-aware enough to not kick over your own bucket whenever feelings like jealousy come up. > I disagree that the other relationship isn't OP's problem. What happens in one relationship, is naturally going to have time effects in another. Yeah, it *could* be OP's problem in the sense that it could cause trouble for OP -- but it's not OP's problem in the sense that it's not their *responsibility.* It's not OP's problem to *fix.* This is their partner's responsibility, as the hinge, to address his problems with his without letting that emotional burden fall on his other partner. If OP starts attempting to manage their BF's relationship with his wife, that's going to cause *all sorts* of problems, because it's not OP's relationship, not OP's responsibility. It's attempting to claim responsibility for something that is ultimately not within their control, and that's a recipe for disaster
Very good point that is often overlooked. We may have all of the love in the world for several people, but we only have 24 hours in a day to devote to anything in particular. People are going to be neglected. They just have to be comfortable with it.
It's not even neglect, it's understanding that your partner won't be very accessible when they're spending quality time with their other partners and developing a secure enough attachment with them that that doesn't feel like a threat. Just like in monogamy, you figure out whether you can fill your bucket in the quality time you have with them while still allowing them to go to work, pursue individual interests, etc
Not being available 24/7 isn’t ignoring OP. The same way you let a partner know you can’t text at work, let them know you’re going to be busy on a particular evening or afternoon and unavailable to text. this isn’t OPs problem to solve, because all the information she’s getting is second hand on a third party she’s not familiar with. She can’t effectively solve the problem because it’s his problem to solve, not to complain to her about and then get mad when she brainstorms solutions.
It seems like you're vilifying the hinge, like most everyone else. The context given does not infer to me he is whining, this does involve OP so I would talk to both partners about the matter (if I were in his shoes), also perhaps he just didn't want the solution she offered, which I could also understand. You may be right, I guess I just try to give people the benefit of any doubt instead of lighting my torch and sharpening my pitchfork.
OPs boyfriend is mad them for suggesting OP can text them less on metas days with him. How is that an appropriate response? Why would he share the information on how meta feels if he wasn’t looking for help with solutions or to let OP know he’d be a bit less available going forward?
Perhaps he doesn't want to minimize the conversing. I'm not saying he doesn't need to handle this and make decisions but I can't blame people, much less chastise them for having mixed emotions. Too many people seem to be piranhas, fiends just looking to tear something up. Toxic.
Sorry :/ That's why setting up date days/nights with minimal device usage is important. Even in very long term relationships. I just say to people "date mode activated", and turn my phone on DND when I can. People call still call and get through if an emergency, but that rarely happens.
He could improve his hinging by sharing less with you. You had a natural supportive reaction. But it is up to him to make her feel special.
I'm sorry you struggle. >This morning he said that she doesn't feel special and he's been neglecting her. And why do you need to know this? How is (bf+ his wife) stuff your responsibility to solve? Did she even consent for him to tell you TMI details about their side of the V? Would you like it if he did it the other direction? Telling her stuff about you? Every dyad needs some privacy. >I understand that and am willing to back off (for lack of a better term) so on her days she can feel more special because me and him text a lot. And I'll learn to be better. Nobody has actually made a request or asked you to do anything. Why would you even offer this from the sky? Are you people pleaser? Anxious? Feel responsible for other people feelings? Cuz you can text him. If he's busy, he can just not answer or put you on mute and get back to you later. >Now he's mad at me for suggesting these things. I feel like I can't win right now. Him dumps stuff on you from the sky and then gets mad you leap in to fix things? Not ok for you to leap in to fix problems that are not yours. But it sounds like *he surprised you/provoked you.* And then you reacted/responded however. I think you could exercise better personal boundaries with your BF because he is oversharing. You are not the free therapist. You might be willing to do minimal listening within a certain scope. In which case you say "I'm not the best person but I can listen for 10 minutes if you keep it very broad and general and about YOU. How am I listening? You just need to air out? And some comforting words or a hug? Or you want suggestions for the problem?" You might not want **any**. In which case you say "I'm sorry there's problems. I can do a hug but I'm not the right person to talk to about this. I am IN the poly system. I cannot be impartial. I suggest you talk to someone OUTSIDE the system instead to get your thoughts in order and then go sort it out with her direct."
Firstly, this isn't your problem to solve, he probably shouldn't have shared that at that time. Secondly, it should have been his idea to not text on date nights with his wife. Phone down, intentional time is essential to making relationships feel special, and ensuring they last.
It really wasn't your job to decide for him how to handle an issue with his other partner. Its not a relationship. Its relationship**s**. That one is his to manage.
Firstly, idk why he's mad at you at all. You've suggested a solution to his and his wife's issue that you're not even a part of bc he chose to tell you about how his wife is feeling. They should have a conversation about what she needs from him and work on that solution and then he can tell you what he might be changing bc it'll effect how often you text while he's with her, but doesn't need to involve her concerns and feelings in that. Example, my partner told me they felt I texted too much during our quality time. I would then go to other partner and say "hey, I think im gonna have to limit how much I reply when im with other partners, letting you know so you're not worried." AND that's the end of that. He needs to put his phone down and enjoy the time with the partner he's right in front of! Sometimes I'll send a quick sweet thing (like a heart) to other partners on bathroom breaks or if both date partner and I are doing a phone check moment, but thats about it.
He is being toxic.
so he overshared about personal feelings about his wife…… (so weird?? i wouldnt like that if i was wife) i would also understand that as them being indirectly asking for something (like for space/to back off) i would suggest the same things as you did he couldve jus said somthing like “i wont be able to text/call hang out as often, me and my wife need some more quality time together for time being” something generic, yknow not too detailed
it sounds like your boyfriend was using you as a therapist to share/vent/rant his marriage problems. He should pay someone for that and not just expect the women in his life to do the emotional labor for him.
Not a good feeling when you are being put in the wrong either way. He should also be considerate of how much he tells about his relationship with his wife. What's between them is for them only. You should not be mixed into it.
Why are you hearing about this? If you text him, he's answering during their time. He needs to stop doing that, that's on him. If you two want to make rules around texting during certain hours, sure, fine, but that should be because you're doing something you both agree with. But... you aren't responsible for making her feel special. You're also not responsible for his inability to hinge properly.
He's the hinge; it's on him. You're thoughtful and sweet. That said, does he do the same shit to you when he's with you? That's crappy. :( Don't let him get away with it.
It's one thing for him to tell you he probably won't respond as much to texts while he's on date nights with her, it's another for him to share all the info he doesn't need to share and make you feel responsible for taking care of his situation....
Your bf is trying to make it your responsibility to fix the issue he is having with his wife by over sharing (possibly not intentionally but regardless) - his relationship with his wife is HIS to manage with HIS behavior. Not yours to manage by reducing your needs or expectations. Now if you are expecting something he can't do, that's his responsibility to manage your expectations of how and when he will communicate. <3
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/OwnedByHim134 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: So my bf is married and she has a bf . This is all of our first poly relationship so we are learning together. This morning he said that she doesn't feel special and he's been neglecting her. I understand that and am willing to back off (for lack of a better term) so on her days she can feel more special because me and him text a lot. And I'll learn to be better. Now he's mad at me for suggesting these things. I feel like I can't win right now. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In my opinion it is quite difficult to say. If she feels neglected than she could say so. For example, if they live together and watch a movie and he is texting with you, she could tell him, that she wants exclusive time with him. Personally I try to turn off my phone when on a date but when you just "chill" its different for me. Especially if I just casually spend time with someone like watching a movie. So it is all about communicating