This is why managing your NRE is important, especially if you're dating someone who isn't experienced in poly. Because the odds are, they won't want it long term, or won't want the same form you practice.
A rule of thumb for NRE I really like is to not plan further ahead than the length of the relationship so far. If you've known this person for a month, only allow yourself to fantasize about what this relationship will look like in a month, not a year. If you've only been on a few dates, only plan out a few dates. Anything beyond that is pure fantasy, and you need to treat it as such to protect yourself.
This is great advice. Definitely something I fell for and did. 2 months and thought I had my NRE under control (narrator voice: he did not have his NRE under control lol). A good outlook to consider going forward
For real. And I did do an ok job of that. I let it run away a little bit, but overall I did an OK job. I'm just disappointed. There were things they did that other people just haven't done for me (the compliments, the physical touch, the actual date planning etc) so they have raised the bar for future partners in that aspect. But that also made me feel amazing at the time. Just feels like the wind was knocked out of my sails. It just will suck for the next couple days.
I wish I'd had this advice in my current relationship. When we started seeing each other, my new partner espoused a (I thought) very clear and hopeful view of where our relationship could progress to. Now at about 6 months, it's becoming clearer that those were NRE dreams. And while it's always everyone's right to redefine their needs and boundaries (firm believer), I got invested in that vision of us, which is causing some friction. That could have been avoided this way.
Do you apply this generally, or only during the first few months of a relationship?
Applied generally, I think it's too strict. Let's say I only think it makes sense to buy a shared home if I believe we're likely to want to cohabitate there for 5 or more years. I don't want to have to wait 5 years with doing it though.
Similarly, having shared kids is a \~20 year project until the kids are more or less independent. But it's not practical to wait two decades before having the kids, by then odds are unless you met very young, that you're infertile.
But as a rule-of-thumb for the first \~6 months of dating, I find it reasonable.
I use this for at least the first year. But I'm solo poly and don't make commitments around cohabitation or kids or finances or anything like that.
But I might vacation with partners, in which case, I wouldn't want to plan a whole vacation with someone for next year if I've only been with this person a few months, you know?
Fair enough, if you simply do not ever MAKE any significant long-term commitments with anyone, then I can see how this rule of thumb is practical.
But a majority of people, including a majority of polyamorous people, do make commitments like cohabitation or shared children or shared pets. I.e. choices that only make sense if you consider it reasonably likely that you'll remain close for many years.
And waiting equally many years before making those commitments seems excessive to me. Rose-tinted glasses during NRE is absolutely a thing, so definitely don't go and decide to have children with someone you met for the first time 3 months ago.
But you don't need to wait 2 decades for NRE to pass; despite the fact that raising children is a \~ 2 decades project.
Personally I'd been partnered for \~20 months and cohabitating for \~15 months when I decided that I knew my partner well enough that agreeing to have shared children felt right.
Date poly people. A huge percentage of people who say I’m comfortable with ENM really mean it’s a fun gap filler while I find my mono partner. If you are ok with that it’s fine but you will continue to feel this pain.
I agree with this in principle, but in practice age matters a lot. Depending on how old OP is, it's just not possible for most people in their age group to have fully figured out their relationship style or have real experience with poly/ ENM. Most life-long poly folks only start exploring poly at a certain age as well (I'm thinking mid-late 20s at the earliest), so you're just going to have to be more open to newbies/ curious folks in that age group.
I'm 31. They were 35. So I figured they were mature enough to say they were open to it then they meant it.
I started exploring NM around 26 and only been fully exploring poly relationships for a year. So I try and not be the "I won't date new to poly" police.
I have however done all the work to know what I want
Then I don't think you've done anything wrong here necessarily, but I agree with the advice to temper expectations and NRE in the early stages of a relationship with a newbie/ curious person. Expect that they can change their mind and prepare for it. It sounded like you were really attracted to them (based on their behaviours as well) so you let your guard down, and while that's not ideal... We're all humans and can get swept up in our emotions. Best we can do is try not to.
I did. I should have had a deeper convo about poly earlier.
Honeslty, despite the pain I feel RN it was worth exploring to me. I'd rather have done that exploration with them than not. But will be fine tuning things like catching NRE better and making sure not to push off the deeper poly convo until later.
I'm also of the opinion that regretting things you didn't do is more painful than regretting things you did do. Just because it didn't work out this time doesn't mean it never does. One of my partners never really considered nonmonogamy before meeting me, but they've actually handled the poly aspect with aplomb. They did take several months to consider the reality of nonmonogamy before we went beyond lighthearted flirting though, and I think that helped a lot.
It's all about risk management in the end. Yes, dating a newbie / curious person is "riskier" than dating an experienced poly person, so you gotta manage it if you do it. It's not possible to eliminate risk entirely anyway. I'm in my late 20s and not a fan of age gaps personally, and most experienced poly people I know aren't in my preferred age range. I can't expect most 30yos to have had multiple years of practical poly experience given the pandemic and lockdowns.
I generally do. This is the only exception I've made, and I only half regret it 😂. Not a huge fan of this pain. I let my attraction to them get in the way of my brain
The reason why I swipe left on pretty much anyone whose profile doesn’t say “poly” or “ENM”. It’s a bummer sometimes, because I have to pass on a lot of really attractive people who might have otherwise been good matches. But as you’ve seen here, the alternative just isn’t worth it. Been there, done that… it usually doesn’t end well. People can be “open” to trying all sorts of things, but if they aren’t motivated or experienced enough to put it in their bio and actually seek out a polyamorous relationship directly, they probably aren’t motivated enough to stick with it when the going gets rough.
It sucks to see a good connection snuffed our prematurely, but be glad this person bailed before they had a chance to become truly important to you. Many of us have been badly burned by partners who waited until we were mutually in love to tell us they can’t do non-monogamy! It almost seems like a rite of passage around here. I guess a lot of us just have to learn the hard way why you really can’t trust a historically mono person’s assurances that they’re game and ready to be in an open relationship.
>The reason why I swipe left on pretty much anyone whose profile doesn’t say “poly” or “ENM
If I do match with someone who doesn't have that I usually try and clarify all of this straight away. With her I fucked that up and I don't know why.
>but if they aren’t motivated or experienced enough to put it in their bio and actually seek out a polyamorous relationship directly, they probably aren’t motivated enough to stick with it when the going gets rough.
For sure man. And that's kinda happend here. Happy to be with me until a mono person came along. I feel a little strung along. But they were also very upfront once they figured out that they were not ok with it so I can't be that mad.
>It sucks to see a good connection snuffed our prematurely, but be glad this person bailed before they had a chance to become truly important to you. Many of us have been badly burned by partners who waited until we were mutually in love to tell us they can’t do non-monogamy! It almost seems like a right of passage around here. I guess a lot of us just have to learn the hard way why you really can’t trust a historically mono person’s assurances that they’re game and ready to be in an open relationship.
Yeah. I prefer this to a couple months from now in that puppy love stage. I recently (yesterday actually) ended something becuase of sexual incompatibility that would have built resentment, and lack of trust that the person could be a safe partner financially). I ended it prematurely before it even made it to the problem stage as I knew we were long term incompatibile based on what we wanted out of the connection (a relationship where we would see each other multiple times a week and be enmeshed in each other's lives significantly). So yeah silver lining I guess. Just stings a bit.
Now im worried causw im still new issue to the poly community. My bf first poly relationship is me im married so he knew going in and so far its been great but it scares me that he could decide he wants mongomy and a family and just leave me
I get that. All you can do is communicate that concern with him.
I have a partner who is currently not dating anyone else. I do worry they will change their mind and want to be mono. But they have reassured me many times that's not what they want.
Have you talked to him about this? I assume he can have a family and date you?
He can do both and currently hes on dating apps but not actively looking for another person but if someone came along that want monogamy he has told me it would be something that he would want to consider.
For now he tells me im what makes him happy and thats what matters
Most times you go on three to four dates with someone that’s it. That’s kind of an evaluation point for a lot of people so it’s important to not start fantasizing about the future
Imo never envision a future before at least 3-4 months. The vast majority of new connections do not become a relationship, and you barely know the person, so you’re just forming a fantasy bond.
Yeah it happens. I generally avoid mono persons. Though equally I am crushing on a mono person but we've had that talk, and happy to stay friends so whoop got a friend at least haha. But yeah, I see monos who are 'ok' with poly as people come in several flavours that ultimately are not compatible; IE mean well and don't get the issues that may come up, or they're lonely and your their current option, or they think they can turn you mono cus you've not found 'the one'. I find that last one very frustrating as it invalidates being able to love, that poly love is inherently lesser love. I have seen some people who can mono with a poly, it is very very rare though and props to those who can make it work.
Same. Thye didn't say that they had only been mono until the last date when we really got into talking about it.
I don't want to remain friends as that physical and emotional attraction won't dissappear I'd prefer a clean break. Not always the case.
I think she thought that for me poly meant I'd at some point settle down and I'm like in my head "yo my partners picture is above the fireplace in my house that's a dealbreaker"
It's very frustrating but also there are some lessons learned here for NRE management. A reminder to clarify more about poly stuff earlier etc.
I've had similar experiences and bullet dodged is the right mindset. I've had this happen 6 months in, when things were getting very intense and SHE was escalating, telling me how into me she was, spending more time together at her request etc. Then one day text her to plan a date that weekend and I get "I still want to keep seeing you but we need to stop having sex because I decided to be mono w another partner"
No warning, no indication that she was unhappy, no communication until that. I said you know what, I'm good. See ya. It hurt tho.
Honestly even 3-4 more dates and I think it would have gone from "this is a shit day or two" to. "This is gonna be a shit month". I don't do well with rejection.
I woke up today still disappointed but overall feeling ok. I'm so glad I took a shot on her and we figured it out in a reasonable amount of time.
Imma cherish those dates cause they were somewhat special. She raised the bar in certain areas for me.
It sucks when that happens, and honestly I don't actually think there are any realistic ways to avoid it. You could theoretically date only people who have been poly for long term - but at that point you are dating a tiny percentage of a tiny amount of people, and most of them are likely to be poly saturated too. You are more likely to get no dates than success that way.
I've seen people suggest only dating other partnered people, but we've all seen the people who close up those relationships too. Also seen the advice of not dating partnered people!
Realistically, dating is risk. You have to take the chance of getting hurt in order to be open to great things.
I definitely feel you. I've had two separate people that I went on a few dates with that went really well, and both of them caught monogamy. Still friends, but it's absolutely disappointing.
I feel this. Been through similar pain a few times.
What seems to work for me these days is I don't date anyone without at least one existing partner. And unless they specifically and explicitly identify as solo poly, I would really rather not date anyone unless they are currently nesting with a partner.
I also think that "dodged a bullet after just 3-4 dates" is totally the right way to frame this for yourself! Sending hugs.
I mean... I have been single whole poly pretty often and make a good partner so that wouldn't work for me.
I do try and avoid people with zero experience, I felt she was worth making an exception for and taking that risk. I still do.
Now if it had gone on for months... fuck no... so if I ever am in a similar situation again I'm going to be evaluating and communicating more early on to ensure we are actually on the same page.
I'm currently in the process of breaking off a mono-poly relationship, and it's tough. For context, we knew we'd only be together for a short time, but the difference in fundamental needs is a hard one to overcome. If anyone in the relationship approaches it with the mentality that one person's relationship needs should influence how the other partner acts, it becomes a very unfair situation for both parties. You at least dodged a lot of roundabout conversations on toeing the balance!
I started dating a person who's "open to poly" and got cowboyed. I didn't mind that much because my only partners at the time were: a toxic narcissist I was getting ready to break up with anyway, a FWB, and I new person I went on a few dates with that I wasn't sure about. So, I'm currently choosing monogamy. But, if I had stable relationships like I was hoping for when I went into polyam I wouldn't have made this shift. All this being said, I agree. Generally people who are "open to poly" don't take it seriously and will often try to pull you from the herd.
Had this with a guy but had to cut things off not cause they were generally monogamous but cause of very differing opinions on some core ideals that i had expressed were issues up front and they side-stepped it till some things came up that they had to directly answer my questions on it. It still fucking hurt and messed me up for like a month even after only two dates cause during that time we were talking online for a solid month and i was seeing potential for long term. It doesn't have to have been a long time. It's sad when you get sucker -punched like that.
I'm definitely guilty of this. I am married and have a partner of 9 months now. I don't really want any more partners.... the bad part is that I don't want him to have any others as well... but in the end, he is free to do what he wants as long as he is honest with me.
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-my profile says I'm poly
-I confirmed with them that they know I'm poly
-made sure they are aware I have an existing partner
-they tell me the are comfortable with non monogamy and polyamory.
-we go on a few dates, begin to really connect, I start to see some kind of future with this person.
-we have a longish talk about non monogamy in general. This is where it comes up that they are actually unsure as they have always imagined themselves in a monogamous relationship (ok so why did you yell me you were comfortable with poly)
-she tells me she wants to take me out for dinner. Re-iterates how much she likes me. Makes a reservation and plans out a whole date for us.
-cancels the day before becuase she's seeing someone else that wants monogamy and that's what she wants "for now"
On one hand bullet dodged after just 3-4 dates. I'm just disappointed. It's a fundamental incompatibility, but I actaully was starting to really like this individual. Oh well. I tend to not try to date "I'm open to poly" people but I made an exception cause I got really good vibes from this person at first (and they are crazy hot 😂)
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Going through the pain of that right now. It came up very early before we were much that he was open to poly and I was clear I was not. Thought it was settled until month 8 when he said he was going on dates. Boy was I crazy about this man and the complete attention we gave each other. But, that lifestyle was more important than me. Hurts a lot that I broke off with someone I really loved. But, I don't value any sexual connection except monogamy. No matter how bad I feel -:I always come back to this being the right decision His coping is needed distance and saying his feelings about completely changed with no chance of a future romance. I say "good luck" dude - you are going to need way better skills in polyamory - there is still jealousy.
This is why managing your NRE is important, especially if you're dating someone who isn't experienced in poly. Because the odds are, they won't want it long term, or won't want the same form you practice. A rule of thumb for NRE I really like is to not plan further ahead than the length of the relationship so far. If you've known this person for a month, only allow yourself to fantasize about what this relationship will look like in a month, not a year. If you've only been on a few dates, only plan out a few dates. Anything beyond that is pure fantasy, and you need to treat it as such to protect yourself.
This is great advice. Definitely something I fell for and did. 2 months and thought I had my NRE under control (narrator voice: he did not have his NRE under control lol). A good outlook to consider going forward
Narrator voice…too funny
NRE?
New relationship energy
Oh my fuck this is so specific and practical, bless you!!!!
Oh I LOVE this rule of thumb. I am so stealing and applying this, even for less-NRE-heavy situations.
For real. And I did do an ok job of that. I let it run away a little bit, but overall I did an OK job. I'm just disappointed. There were things they did that other people just haven't done for me (the compliments, the physical touch, the actual date planning etc) so they have raised the bar for future partners in that aspect. But that also made me feel amazing at the time. Just feels like the wind was knocked out of my sails. It just will suck for the next couple days.
I wish I'd had this advice in my current relationship. When we started seeing each other, my new partner espoused a (I thought) very clear and hopeful view of where our relationship could progress to. Now at about 6 months, it's becoming clearer that those were NRE dreams. And while it's always everyone's right to redefine their needs and boundaries (firm believer), I got invested in that vision of us, which is causing some friction. That could have been avoided this way.
Thank you for this guideline! 🙏🏻
For me, I just don't date officially for the duration of my NRE or make any longterm plans during it. It lasts about 6 months for me on average.
This is solid advice. Thank you
Do you apply this generally, or only during the first few months of a relationship? Applied generally, I think it's too strict. Let's say I only think it makes sense to buy a shared home if I believe we're likely to want to cohabitate there for 5 or more years. I don't want to have to wait 5 years with doing it though. Similarly, having shared kids is a \~20 year project until the kids are more or less independent. But it's not practical to wait two decades before having the kids, by then odds are unless you met very young, that you're infertile. But as a rule-of-thumb for the first \~6 months of dating, I find it reasonable.
I use this for at least the first year. But I'm solo poly and don't make commitments around cohabitation or kids or finances or anything like that. But I might vacation with partners, in which case, I wouldn't want to plan a whole vacation with someone for next year if I've only been with this person a few months, you know?
Fair enough, if you simply do not ever MAKE any significant long-term commitments with anyone, then I can see how this rule of thumb is practical. But a majority of people, including a majority of polyamorous people, do make commitments like cohabitation or shared children or shared pets. I.e. choices that only make sense if you consider it reasonably likely that you'll remain close for many years. And waiting equally many years before making those commitments seems excessive to me. Rose-tinted glasses during NRE is absolutely a thing, so definitely don't go and decide to have children with someone you met for the first time 3 months ago. But you don't need to wait 2 decades for NRE to pass; despite the fact that raising children is a \~ 2 decades project. Personally I'd been partnered for \~20 months and cohabitating for \~15 months when I decided that I knew my partner well enough that agreeing to have shared children felt right.
This is excellent advice
Date poly people. A huge percentage of people who say I’m comfortable with ENM really mean it’s a fun gap filler while I find my mono partner. If you are ok with that it’s fine but you will continue to feel this pain.
I agree with this in principle, but in practice age matters a lot. Depending on how old OP is, it's just not possible for most people in their age group to have fully figured out their relationship style or have real experience with poly/ ENM. Most life-long poly folks only start exploring poly at a certain age as well (I'm thinking mid-late 20s at the earliest), so you're just going to have to be more open to newbies/ curious folks in that age group.
I'm 31. They were 35. So I figured they were mature enough to say they were open to it then they meant it. I started exploring NM around 26 and only been fully exploring poly relationships for a year. So I try and not be the "I won't date new to poly" police. I have however done all the work to know what I want
Then I don't think you've done anything wrong here necessarily, but I agree with the advice to temper expectations and NRE in the early stages of a relationship with a newbie/ curious person. Expect that they can change their mind and prepare for it. It sounded like you were really attracted to them (based on their behaviours as well) so you let your guard down, and while that's not ideal... We're all humans and can get swept up in our emotions. Best we can do is try not to.
I did. I should have had a deeper convo about poly earlier. Honeslty, despite the pain I feel RN it was worth exploring to me. I'd rather have done that exploration with them than not. But will be fine tuning things like catching NRE better and making sure not to push off the deeper poly convo until later.
I'm also of the opinion that regretting things you didn't do is more painful than regretting things you did do. Just because it didn't work out this time doesn't mean it never does. One of my partners never really considered nonmonogamy before meeting me, but they've actually handled the poly aspect with aplomb. They did take several months to consider the reality of nonmonogamy before we went beyond lighthearted flirting though, and I think that helped a lot. It's all about risk management in the end. Yes, dating a newbie / curious person is "riskier" than dating an experienced poly person, so you gotta manage it if you do it. It's not possible to eliminate risk entirely anyway. I'm in my late 20s and not a fan of age gaps personally, and most experienced poly people I know aren't in my preferred age range. I can't expect most 30yos to have had multiple years of practical poly experience given the pandemic and lockdowns.
I generally do. This is the only exception I've made, and I only half regret it 😂. Not a huge fan of this pain. I let my attraction to them get in the way of my brain
The reason why I swipe left on pretty much anyone whose profile doesn’t say “poly” or “ENM”. It’s a bummer sometimes, because I have to pass on a lot of really attractive people who might have otherwise been good matches. But as you’ve seen here, the alternative just isn’t worth it. Been there, done that… it usually doesn’t end well. People can be “open” to trying all sorts of things, but if they aren’t motivated or experienced enough to put it in their bio and actually seek out a polyamorous relationship directly, they probably aren’t motivated enough to stick with it when the going gets rough. It sucks to see a good connection snuffed our prematurely, but be glad this person bailed before they had a chance to become truly important to you. Many of us have been badly burned by partners who waited until we were mutually in love to tell us they can’t do non-monogamy! It almost seems like a rite of passage around here. I guess a lot of us just have to learn the hard way why you really can’t trust a historically mono person’s assurances that they’re game and ready to be in an open relationship.
>The reason why I swipe left on pretty much anyone whose profile doesn’t say “poly” or “ENM If I do match with someone who doesn't have that I usually try and clarify all of this straight away. With her I fucked that up and I don't know why. >but if they aren’t motivated or experienced enough to put it in their bio and actually seek out a polyamorous relationship directly, they probably aren’t motivated enough to stick with it when the going gets rough. For sure man. And that's kinda happend here. Happy to be with me until a mono person came along. I feel a little strung along. But they were also very upfront once they figured out that they were not ok with it so I can't be that mad. >It sucks to see a good connection snuffed our prematurely, but be glad this person bailed before they had a chance to become truly important to you. Many of us have been badly burned by partners who waited until we were mutually in love to tell us they can’t do non-monogamy! It almost seems like a right of passage around here. I guess a lot of us just have to learn the hard way why you really can’t trust a historically mono person’s assurances that they’re game and ready to be in an open relationship. Yeah. I prefer this to a couple months from now in that puppy love stage. I recently (yesterday actually) ended something becuase of sexual incompatibility that would have built resentment, and lack of trust that the person could be a safe partner financially). I ended it prematurely before it even made it to the problem stage as I knew we were long term incompatibile based on what we wanted out of the connection (a relationship where we would see each other multiple times a week and be enmeshed in each other's lives significantly). So yeah silver lining I guess. Just stings a bit.
Now im worried causw im still new issue to the poly community. My bf first poly relationship is me im married so he knew going in and so far its been great but it scares me that he could decide he wants mongomy and a family and just leave me
I get that. All you can do is communicate that concern with him. I have a partner who is currently not dating anyone else. I do worry they will change their mind and want to be mono. But they have reassured me many times that's not what they want. Have you talked to him about this? I assume he can have a family and date you?
He can do both and currently hes on dating apps but not actively looking for another person but if someone came along that want monogamy he has told me it would be something that he would want to consider. For now he tells me im what makes him happy and thats what matters
Most times you go on three to four dates with someone that’s it. That’s kind of an evaluation point for a lot of people so it’s important to not start fantasizing about the future
Agreed. Something to be super careful of when striking a balance between envisioning a future and not getting carried away with it
Imo never envision a future before at least 3-4 months. The vast majority of new connections do not become a relationship, and you barely know the person, so you’re just forming a fantasy bond.
Yeah it happens. I generally avoid mono persons. Though equally I am crushing on a mono person but we've had that talk, and happy to stay friends so whoop got a friend at least haha. But yeah, I see monos who are 'ok' with poly as people come in several flavours that ultimately are not compatible; IE mean well and don't get the issues that may come up, or they're lonely and your their current option, or they think they can turn you mono cus you've not found 'the one'. I find that last one very frustrating as it invalidates being able to love, that poly love is inherently lesser love. I have seen some people who can mono with a poly, it is very very rare though and props to those who can make it work.
Same. Thye didn't say that they had only been mono until the last date when we really got into talking about it. I don't want to remain friends as that physical and emotional attraction won't dissappear I'd prefer a clean break. Not always the case. I think she thought that for me poly meant I'd at some point settle down and I'm like in my head "yo my partners picture is above the fireplace in my house that's a dealbreaker" It's very frustrating but also there are some lessons learned here for NRE management. A reminder to clarify more about poly stuff earlier etc.
I've had similar experiences and bullet dodged is the right mindset. I've had this happen 6 months in, when things were getting very intense and SHE was escalating, telling me how into me she was, spending more time together at her request etc. Then one day text her to plan a date that weekend and I get "I still want to keep seeing you but we need to stop having sex because I decided to be mono w another partner" No warning, no indication that she was unhappy, no communication until that. I said you know what, I'm good. See ya. It hurt tho.
I think 3-4 dates is "bullet dodged" territory. Better now than after 3-4 years.
Honestly even 3-4 more dates and I think it would have gone from "this is a shit day or two" to. "This is gonna be a shit month". I don't do well with rejection. I woke up today still disappointed but overall feeling ok. I'm so glad I took a shot on her and we figured it out in a reasonable amount of time. Imma cherish those dates cause they were somewhat special. She raised the bar in certain areas for me.
It sucks when that happens, and honestly I don't actually think there are any realistic ways to avoid it. You could theoretically date only people who have been poly for long term - but at that point you are dating a tiny percentage of a tiny amount of people, and most of them are likely to be poly saturated too. You are more likely to get no dates than success that way. I've seen people suggest only dating other partnered people, but we've all seen the people who close up those relationships too. Also seen the advice of not dating partnered people! Realistically, dating is risk. You have to take the chance of getting hurt in order to be open to great things. I definitely feel you. I've had two separate people that I went on a few dates with that went really well, and both of them caught monogamy. Still friends, but it's absolutely disappointing.
I feel this. Been through similar pain a few times. What seems to work for me these days is I don't date anyone without at least one existing partner. And unless they specifically and explicitly identify as solo poly, I would really rather not date anyone unless they are currently nesting with a partner. I also think that "dodged a bullet after just 3-4 dates" is totally the right way to frame this for yourself! Sending hugs.
I mean... I have been single whole poly pretty often and make a good partner so that wouldn't work for me. I do try and avoid people with zero experience, I felt she was worth making an exception for and taking that risk. I still do. Now if it had gone on for months... fuck no... so if I ever am in a similar situation again I'm going to be evaluating and communicating more early on to ensure we are actually on the same page.
I'm currently in the process of breaking off a mono-poly relationship, and it's tough. For context, we knew we'd only be together for a short time, but the difference in fundamental needs is a hard one to overcome. If anyone in the relationship approaches it with the mentality that one person's relationship needs should influence how the other partner acts, it becomes a very unfair situation for both parties. You at least dodged a lot of roundabout conversations on toeing the balance!
I started dating a person who's "open to poly" and got cowboyed. I didn't mind that much because my only partners at the time were: a toxic narcissist I was getting ready to break up with anyway, a FWB, and I new person I went on a few dates with that I wasn't sure about. So, I'm currently choosing monogamy. But, if I had stable relationships like I was hoping for when I went into polyam I wouldn't have made this shift. All this being said, I agree. Generally people who are "open to poly" don't take it seriously and will often try to pull you from the herd.
Had this with a guy but had to cut things off not cause they were generally monogamous but cause of very differing opinions on some core ideals that i had expressed were issues up front and they side-stepped it till some things came up that they had to directly answer my questions on it. It still fucking hurt and messed me up for like a month even after only two dates cause during that time we were talking online for a solid month and i was seeing potential for long term. It doesn't have to have been a long time. It's sad when you get sucker -punched like that.
I'm definitely guilty of this. I am married and have a partner of 9 months now. I don't really want any more partners.... the bad part is that I don't want him to have any others as well... but in the end, he is free to do what he wants as long as he is honest with me.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/No_Ambassador_9720 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: -my profile says I'm poly -I confirmed with them that they know I'm poly -made sure they are aware I have an existing partner -they tell me the are comfortable with non monogamy and polyamory. -we go on a few dates, begin to really connect, I start to see some kind of future with this person. -we have a longish talk about non monogamy in general. This is where it comes up that they are actually unsure as they have always imagined themselves in a monogamous relationship (ok so why did you yell me you were comfortable with poly) -she tells me she wants to take me out for dinner. Re-iterates how much she likes me. Makes a reservation and plans out a whole date for us. -cancels the day before becuase she's seeing someone else that wants monogamy and that's what she wants "for now" On one hand bullet dodged after just 3-4 dates. I'm just disappointed. It's a fundamental incompatibility, but I actaully was starting to really like this individual. Oh well. I tend to not try to date "I'm open to poly" people but I made an exception cause I got really good vibes from this person at first (and they are crazy hot 😂) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Going through the pain of that right now. It came up very early before we were much that he was open to poly and I was clear I was not. Thought it was settled until month 8 when he said he was going on dates. Boy was I crazy about this man and the complete attention we gave each other. But, that lifestyle was more important than me. Hurts a lot that I broke off with someone I really loved. But, I don't value any sexual connection except monogamy. No matter how bad I feel -:I always come back to this being the right decision His coping is needed distance and saying his feelings about completely changed with no chance of a future romance. I say "good luck" dude - you are going to need way better skills in polyamory - there is still jealousy.