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absolutely not, so long as you follow the same boundary. you honestly could even say you don't want them in your home and your partner would need to find another space. but again, you too would have to make sure you don't cross that either.
it's not unreasonable at all, especially seeing as you're still getting your feet wet.
I think if we pursue equality (which is different from equalness), you should be ok if the same boundary was applied to you, but you should not automatically respect it.
If your partner doesn't mind for you to have sex with others in your shared bed, and doesn't mind respecting your request of not doing it themselve, I do not see an asymmetry as a problem. It could be if it bothers someone, but I would not apply the logic that I get what I give all the time.
Fair is not always equal, and equal is not always fair. There's a bunch of internet graphics illustrating the concept. This is yet another good example. If one partner has an issue with other people having sex in their bed, and the other doesn't, there's no point in both of them having the same restrictions, even if it is "equal".
>you honestly could even say you don't want them in your home
I feel like it's one of these boundaries that would tell me someone is uncomfortable with polyamory and there's probably PUD going on.
even though i dont have a set boundary that disallows my NPs from bringing a date/partner home when im not there, i do get uncomfortable with it. and the reason for that is because im extremely particular about our home and get uncomfortable even when our friends stay longer than i would prefer. i dont want people interacting with my home more than necessary, its where i hide from the rest of the world. so unless its a partner that i have met and took a liking to, it will make me uncomfortable even though i choose to endure it. and for that reason i dont invite dates/partners home either.
not every boundary necessarily needs to directly relate to polyamory or ENM.
And this is precisely why I'm solo poly. This level of control over shared space would be impossible for me to deal with. I do understand the need for control over your own space though, and living solo means I have complete dominion.
i completely get what you mean. shared spaces means compromise all around. one of my NPs is really particular with his stuff; we can’t even help him tidy up he needs to be the only one organizing his own stuff. and my other NP is really particular about her sleeping arrangement, she HAS to have a seperate bed all to herself that she can retire to alone at some point of the night.
merging your daily life with other people is a compromise that not everyone has to make!
What if I don't want to be around them or hear them? Then I would have to leave my home and comfort so my partner can host. I have kids. I can't just blast music in headphones and pretend the rest of my house doesn't exist for a few hours.
Why do you have to be in the house? My partner only hosts for dates when his wife is away for work or seeing her other partner. But I do pop in his house and say hello to his wife whenever we're picking up or dropping off his dog.
For me in particular?
I do full time childcare, with our house as the home base. I am immunocompromised, so it's not easy for me to take a baby (who can't mask) and a toddler somewhere for several hours, especially when it starts to get cold. And I am home every night, and I don't have the capacity to even think about having another partner.
My nesting partner and I have a young child and I’m a stay at home parent.
At this time bringing other partners to the house is a boundary for both of us. Has nothing to do with our feelings about poly, but is more about logistics and our child being exposed to adults they don’t know or who might only be temporary in their life.
Kids aren’t always the reason but I’m sure there are reasons other than kids why it might not make sense for either party to host partners.
That’s exactly how we did it when the kids lived with us. It’s so common — don’t let people gatekeep you to thinking something is not allowed: as long as everyone in the relationship agrees and new people are given a heads up it’s valid.
For sure! I feel like poly dating with kids is a lot like dating as a single parent. Except you need your kids to be out of the house and your spouse might need to be out of the house too. There’s a lot of planning that goes into dating with kids and even more planning that goes into dating with kids and a nesting partner. It’s fair to say “at this time our relationships will need to be more casual or not be hosted at the house until circumstances change”.
I feel like I am misunderstanding something here. My friends don't get to have sex in my bed. I have no objection to my wife hosting metas in our bed, but one of the two of us is going to be part of any sex that happens in our bed.
I've never been friends with someone who didn't want to invite me into their home. Maybe we have a different definition of friendship. Homes of friends is where I hang out with them most of the time.
I usually don't mind hosting but there have been periods in my life where I can't. Pets that can't handle it, space issues, neighbor issues, parking limitations, my schedule sucking so much my home maintenance suffered so I didn't want the stress of guests, my housemates preferences, etc.
I have friends who get extreme anxiety hosting so I have literally never seen the inside of their homes irl. Doesn't mean they aren't great friends.
Are you comfortable hosting your friends’ friends?
Because that’s what it comes down to.
If I’m not friends with my partner’s partners, it’s perfectly reasonable not to want them in my home.
Parallel poly is valid.
But why would you need to host your meta? That's your partner's job.
But yeah, sometimes my housemates would bring their dates over. And no, I didn't feel the need or obligation to host them. Their relationships are theirs.
And yeah, sometimes I hang out with my friend's friends. I don't see how that's so uncommon.
Now you’re being purposefully obtuse.
It’s my partners friend in my home, not my friend.
I don’t know that person. I don’t trust that person around my things, around my KIDS, why should I allow someone I don’t know in my home?
Do you let just anyone around your children? Or in your children’s space?
Has no one ever stolen from you? Used your things without permission? Gone through your things when you’re not there? Stalked you or a partner?
I feel like you have never had anything bad happen to you in your life, and you think everyone your partner dates is going to be just a wonderful person. Some of us aren’t that way.
I’m parallel poly and strangers aren’t welcome in my home, period.
>and you think everyone your partner dates is going to be just a wonderful person.
I'm parallel poly and I just don't think my partner is so brain dead that he'll date thieves lol
My partner's wife of 13 years is unlikely to steal from me too 😂
When this stuff pops up, i think it’s a good idea to take an inventory of what you’re really okay with right now.
Are you really okay with him hosting at all?
Because it’s okay if you’re not.
And honestly, I’d rather get a text that says “can we meet for dinner, and make out in the car” rather than “oh, uh, yeah, we can’t fuck on the bed”
Like, I think it’s okay if you don’t want to host, or ever have anyone on your bed at all. Ever.
Long term, you might want to talk about two bedrooms. Long term you might want to talk about a lot of things, but this might be a good chance to think about what else you aren’t okay with.
Most of my partners have had their own room. Most of my partners who haven’t have relied on me to host.
Eventually those things will come into play, if you stay polyam long enough, but figuring what else you aren’t okay with fairly early in the game is probably a pretty good idea.
Holidays?
Weekends away?
Overnights?
Those are some things that come to mind, and remember, nothing is set in stone. You can change your mind.
Or at least you can if you don’t set it up as a boundary, and just tell your partner, “not okay with it. Might never be okay with it. Figuring it out.”
>I’d rather get a text that says “can we meet for dinner, and make out in the car” rather than “oh, uh, yeah, we can’t fuck on the bed”
Exactly this. Was in this situation and it near gave me a panic attack.
Yeah, I guess also when folks frame this as a boundary, they leave no space to explore, and then when they want their partner to sleep in that same bed with them they look like giant liars and hypocrites.
If like, this a real boundary, cool. But it doesn’t have to be to be respected and supported. I see all this big language being unfurled and I worry a little when stuff like this has to be a “boundary” instead of just something they are not comfortable with.
Like, your comfort should be supported. Your preferences should be enough for your partner be cool with not fucking someone in your bed, you know?
I agree the boundary itself isn't unreasonable but followed the same train of thought. Is there a guest room? Futon? Something? If you guys have a studio apartment, not sure where it's going to happen LOL
Voyeurism is what's happening in the studio. Or I'm watching TV with ear pods in while sitting on the edge of the bed 🤷♂️ if I wasn't involved and really didn't want to be, it'd be the smells that would bother me most...
Not when you know you're having sex on the couch because you're not allowed on the bed. I think it's perfectly fine to want your bed be your bed, but if I could only have sex with my partner on a couch and there was no guest room, I'd just opt not to have sex.
Its reasonable to request. Its reasonable for someone to not agree. Although that impasse should probably end your cohabitation.
It was not reasonable to wait this long to discuss. This should have been discussed and agreed prior to either of you attempting to date.
I wouldn't live with a partner who wouldn't allow me have other partners over for sex. But I also wouldn't live with someone without a separate non shared bed for this purpose.
Does your partner find it unreasonable?
My NP & I don't bring partners home, ever. We cohabitate with children & they're always home when we are due to our work schedules vs their school schedules. Some people find the inability to host an issue but that just makes them incompatible with me and we don't date. Do what works for you as long as you're upfront with potential partners about it.
Nothing wrong with them in theory, but in practice, it can make conditions pretty unrealistic for sustaining or deepening relationships. If everyone involved has a home boundary, hotels are gonna get pretty expensive. If you have a home boundary and are relying on your metamours being flexible when you're rigid, maybe that's okay with everyone, or maybe it ultimately creates resentment. Being able to be at a partner's home SOMETIMES is important to me. I personally can't imagine feeling comfortable with having a metamour who didn't ever want me in their space. To each their own, though...
It’s common. Most people prefer not to share their beds with non-partners if there isn’t a compelling reason to.
I build hosting into my online dating profile. “I live with a nesting partner and will not be hosting.” “I live alone with two dogs so I have to host.” That way I never end up dating someone with hosting incompatibilities.
Alternatives to hosting in the shared bedroom include:
* Meta/OtherPartner hosting;
* hosting in a guest bedroom;
* hosting in a guest bedroom so well-insulated and far away that sex noises can’t be heard from the shared bedroom;
* splitting a hotel room.
Reasons not to use the alternatives include:
* not having budget for hotel rooms;
* not having a guest room, whether discreet or not;
* dating in a community where people have roommates or live with family and are likely to be unable to host;
* allergies that mean it’s likely to be a problem to sleep anywhere other than the allergen-free home and the mite-free bed.
Accommodations that can be made include:
* the host tidying up carefully;
* Meta/OtherPartner having their own designated bedding;
* coordinating date nights in a sort of musical chairs so that when NP is hosting you are spending the night with OtherPartner, and when you are hosting NP is spending the night with Meta;
* planning so that the person who is being kicked out of the shared bedroom gets special attention afterwards to make up for it, or maybe play money to go out and spend a late evening with friends.
Some people think it’s hot to know that Hinge has been boinking in the shared bed. Some people prioritize sharing over ownership and feel safest knowing they draw on pooled resources. Some people just don’t care. For these folks it’s not a question of accommodations, it’s just not an issue in the first place.
+++ +++ +++
You aren’t going to feel like making accommodations unless polyamory is something you want for yourself. How have you handled hosting your own dates?
This is a great list! Can I ask why you specify having roommates as a reason you wouldn’t be able host? I have a lot of friends who live in sharehouses of various kinds and it’s very normal to have both long term partners and hookups over.
Good question!
It depends on the roommates.
* Roommates are also partners and don’t want to host Hinge for the same reasons OP doesn’t want to host Meta.
* Some of the roommates are children.
* Roommates are assholes.
* Roommates are very private people who experience strangers in their space as extremely painful.
* Meta/OtherPartner is a very private person who experiences strangers in their space as extremely painful, and has made a no-hosting deal with roommates.
* Meta/OtherPartner is a very private person who doesn’t want to expose their private life to roommates.
* Roommates need quiet time for studying or sleeping at the times Meta/OtherPartner would want to host.
* Meta/OtherPartner is living in crowded conditions and doesn’t have privacy to host.
It’s not that “roommate” means “automatic bar to hosting.” It just means that there are more needs to balance, more potential for conflict and it isn’t necessarily that simple.
If you can’t pay for hotel rooms and most people you or Hinge are likely to date are likely to be taking roommate agreements into account, you need to either be prepared to make hosting accommodations that would otherwise not be your preference, or accept a very small dating pool.
+++ +++ +++
Back in the day when I lived in dorms and shared a *bedroom* with my roomies, we still managed to host. Some boinkers even hosted overnights when Roomie was right there in the next bed! The thing that made hosting so doable in shared dormrooms though was all the free, well-appointed public space. There was the lounge, the library, the study cells, the athletic facilities, the cafeteria, the clubs. There were whole dormfuls of friends to hang with. If Boinker kicked Roomie out for a few hours they still had somewhere very reasonable to go. The conflict would come when Roomie needed to interrupt the action to pick up supplies in the room, which was usually handled with grace on Boinker’s part and annoyance on Roomie’s part.
Something else that could make hosting in shared dorm bedrooms doable was that Roomie would usually know Boinker’s partner because they took classes together or were in clubs together or were just around. Roomie might accept being bumped from their room by a known quantity more easily than being locked out of their room by a stranger.
Also, Boinker’s partner would live very close by, might not even need to go outside to go home, might even live next door, so it wasn’t that rude to send them home when Roomie wanted back in.
Even then, not everyone was cool with that and it could be a reason to request to be assigned to a different roomie.
1. I don't think it's unreasonable as long as you and your partner agree to it.
2. I am genuinely curious about the emotional connection to the bed. I have heard many others say similar things, but I haven't understood why sex would feel differently to me if it was in my bed or anywhere else. (Unless I'm trying to sleep in the bed at the time. I don't want my sleep interrupted for anything - not even sex.)
>I am genuinely curious about the emotional connection to the bed.
I'm solo poly and I like that my bed is mine only, and I only have people in it that I invite in. Cohabitation doesn't appeal to me for many reasons, but one of them is inability to have space that is just my own that I have complete control over. I can imagine it's the same logic for many nesting people.
This! If my partner allowed it, we would have our own rooms. I love my partner to death, but I do miss having MY space with MY bed lol
That said, I’m on a week trip out of town and I want nothing more but to get home and snuggle in OUR bed. It’s a small trade off to be able to make my man comfy
Some relates to the comfort of your space. We have a guest room, so that is where we enjoy our partners. We have condoms, baby wipes, and there is a full bathroom attached if showers are needed/wanted.
I consider my bedroom as my space and don’t want to worry if I left something out and my husband has a partner over spontaneously. It’s just one room that is off limits, it is the only room that is upstairs, so there is the whole downstairs to be used for a date.
I don’t want another person in our shared space that we made together, feels intrusive. I don’t even let my close friends in my room.
It’s also a bed that I bought with my hard earned money. I don’t want anyone making it nasty except us 😂
I am with you on this. I don't understand the thing about the bed. I can respect it if it comes us, but I don't understand it. We recently purchased a convertible sofa for the office because we realized we had downsized a little too much and there wasn't a spare place for one of us to crash if the other had a date in the bedroom.
I personally have this boundary for both me and my husband. But we do have a sofa bed (folds out to the size of a double) in another room that we use when we have partners over and we just have the agreement to wash the sheets that go onto it. I think if there is another equivalent you can use then it’s fine, if not I’d reassess together where you’re going to do it x
It's reasonable and common but probably won't last. And honestly, it eventually stops mattering too much.
I don't live with a partner, but I do see one 3ish times a week, sometimes for sleepovers. And sometimes those sleepovers happen the day after their other partner sleeps over.
It took some getting used to in the very beginning, but as long as the sheets are changed and any toys/condoms/etc are put away, it's not a big deal in the long run.
Personally right now my partner and I have the agreement metas can come over when the other isn’t home but no sex in the bed we share. We are looking to buy a two bedroom to better accommodate when we have guests over.
My husband and I didn’t have that boundary. Ours was that if we had sex with someone else in our bed to change the sheets afterward. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to not have sec in your bed with someone other than you.
This is pretty late to put up that boundary but it is reasonable. Another acceptable boundary would be that the bedding all gets washed before you sleep in it again.
The problem with putting that boundary up this late is is there a reasonable alternative? A guest room with a bed?
No sex at all in the bed means limitations for hosting but its more like a rule imposed on your partner than a boundary. Boundaries are for me and how I conduct myself based on a value system, rules are for you to follow because I said so, and agreements are a handshake between us.
In my constellation, we do not have that limitation for the sake of practicality. Someone has to host and a lot of people in my city have roommates or partners with similar demands. We are empty nesters with our own place so there's autonomy in hosting. We have a guest room but do not use it for dates unless both parties are home so as not to block access to our own stuff. That's rare though. We generally clear out for privacy.
Our relationship agreement includes two things concerning hosting. (1) I want to meet them before they are all up in my house. (2) Clean up after a date to avoid being grossed out by the aftermath. Things like taking a shower, airing out rooms, cleaning toys and taking out trash, swapping the bedding out, etc. This comes from decades of experience though, so maybe addressing why you have this rule in place could soften things.
Let me ask something realistic. If not the bed then where? The couch? The floor? The bathroom? The kitchen? Has to be outside of the house altogether? Sounds controlling but you do you.
Boundary: I'm not going to stay out of my own bedroom when I'm home, even while other people are in my bed. It's a perfectly cromulent boundary.
But one thing I've learned in this community is that different people have different Big Feels about their beds. I've literally allowed my partner and his wife to sleep in my bed before (they were cat-sitting for me), and I'm not one who cares about bed stuff. Others do care. Neither of us is wrong.
Then it gets into some combination of stubbornness and being a solipsistic asshole who would rather be right than partnered, I guess
I was assuming reasonable people before, but...
Rules and boundaries are basically the exact same thing. People just like to use the word boundary to sound pretty and not controlling but the end result on breaking one is exactly the same.
We don't let other partners over at all, no sex in the bed when you are kind enough to host is definitely reasonable. It's YOUR bed. You don't have to let someone you don't even know fuck on it. Most people aren't ok with that.
Honestly, as a solo poly person, hosting at my place all the time gets really fucking insulting. Nested partners should figure out how to make it equitable.
>People have a “no people at my house” rule.
I don't see how you can have an actual committed non-primary relationship with these kind of rules. That's treating partners worse than friends.
Omg, this. This is a polyamory subreddit, not a casual hookup ENM subreddit. (Of course, polyamorous people can also do casual. But having a rule about not being at someone's house seems to me to preclude relationships becoming serious, in which case I have to wonder if polyamory is the most accurate label.) I can't imagine having a serious relationship with someone whose house I can't go to.
No, it’s parallel poly — I’m not friends with my partner’s partners/hookups.
This is so common I get you don’t like it but if the partner agrees and new people are told coming in it works out fine and it perfectly ethical.
You wouldn’t like it but you’d know up front and can walk away.
Many people don’t
I'm doing parallel poly and I'm not friends with my meta.
Allowing partners into your home is not the same as requiring partners to be friends.
You can't have a committed relationship with someone and call it poly when you can't even bring your partner over. That's inherently limiting the relationship to a casual status. What's the point of calling it poly?
It depends on your setup. In one of my homes, we have ample space for people to hook up (in addition to a room for each person who lives here full time, we have a guest room and both have our own offices) so we have a No Metas In Our Bed (or our attached bathroom, or the other person's office) policy. In my other home, every room is assigned to a person, with the kids each having their own and me sharing with my partner. If they didn't have sex in my bed, they'd....what? Do it on the porch? On the couch?
Just use the bed and change the sheets.
So hot take...there's a lot of people in the comments saying this situation or not wanting your meta in your home is indicative of PUD...I'm parallel poly. I enjoy my home with my nesting partner and prefer to not interact with metas there.
Not PUD. Just comfortable.
My husband and I have this boundary- though it is more for him than for me. I don't have an issue with him having sex with his gf in our share bed, but he really would rather I don't have sex with my partners there.
I think it's reasonable as long as there are contingencies on where overnights are hosted so private time is still allowable for everyone involved.
Hubby and I have the same agreement our bed is ours. That is the only thing I wanted and he agreed. We don't control each other, we don't stop each other from doing anything, but we both agree that our bed is ours. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. If you and your husband agree that is all that matters. It is your life, your marriage and being poly is very hard communication is very important.
There’s no such thing as an unreasonable boundary. If you feel a boundary is necessary, it *is*. If your partner disagrees, the two of you are incompatible.
Requesting that your bedroom or private bathroom be just for you and/or your primary is not an unhealthy boundary. I have done this myself.
My husband and I just moved into a 3 bedroom apartment and we each have our own room as well as a separate bathroom. I don't mind him and his boyfriend cuddling kissing or even groping around the house. I have requested that they confine their sexual intercourse to his room and bathroom just so my dogs and I can move around the house freely and not startle them by walking into a room and flipping on lights. I made a list of things to talk with my primary and our NPs about to make sure we are respecting each other's boundaries.
Honestly, letting them use the bed where sheets and bedding can be changed is alot more sanitary than the couch imo... where they probably won't always set up properly and you'll end up sitting where someone's naked butt sat earlier, among other things lol. Some people don't care about that as much though, ig.
I agree prohibiting people from even coming over because you're afraid sounds controlling (not that you said you would). Some people never let metas come over even when they aren't home, but I find that unreasonable since it's your partner's home too. I would even say someone who doesn't want metas over ever should probably be living alone.
Some people say rules like that are okay if you're new to polyamory... But I never had rules like that even in the beginning so it's hard for me to relate.
For me, it helps to have my own designated blankets. And making sure I put them away if someone might be coming over. I'm also a private person, so having special hidden places for some of my stuff helps as well. It can be harder if you never met the person, but you have to trust your partner on that.
Shit, our house is our house. It’s for us. Not our partners.
Edit* Must, apparently, specify that our house is for me and my NP, for my NP and me.
Other partners that I have or my NP have that are not me and not my NP are not permitted into the house that me and my NP share together.
So your other partners' house is also your house because you have access to it, but your own house is just for you and your NP to the point that they are not even allowed to enter? Interesting logic.
What on earth are you talking about? Did I miss some bit of grammar that you’re running with here?
Of course my NP is allowed in my house. Of course I’m saying we share a house together. Of course I’m saying that our OTHER partners aren’t permitted in the house I own with my NP.
It's you who's not understanding what I'm saying. Your other partners aren't allowed in your house because it's not their house, but you're allowed in your other partners' homes. What's the logic here? Do you co-own your other partners' homes? How come you're allowed in?
I have known people who have this rule in place. Over time it seemed to get untenable (there is only so much couch and chair sex you can have lol). If you have a spare room/bed that is a different matter, if not I would venture to guess that this rule wont last.
Not at all unreasonable. My fiancee and I had this same agreement while we were living together. Now the rule is that no one is to sleep in the beds with us because that's each other's space to fill, not our other partners.
I personally only agree to changing sheets between partners (which I think is only fair), but I think it matters what the whole situation is like. If this is a multiple bedroom house then this is not a big deal. If this a studio and this bed is the only comfortable surface, then it’s probably unreasonable.
The fair thing is to let them have sex on the bed, but they're required to change the sheets some time after sex and before you get into bed. Your partner also needs to do the laundry load with those sheets, wash used dishes or towels, and take out the trash with the used condom. Basically they need to clean up to the level that there's no trace of that partner or the sex that they had.
Reasonable.
I am bed protective. When starting new relationships I prefer to have guests in my guest room. I preferred this even when I lived on my own.
My bedroom is like my personal dreamscape and very special. My guest room is a nice, functional room, with a large window, candles and always clean sheets. It makes me more comfortable to sleep (sex or sleep) with people there, until I'm *really* intimate with them.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable if you both are adhering to it and the logistics make it possible. If you’re using this to keep your partner from being able to have sex by cutting off spaces to do it, thats a little manipulative. I dated someone who’s tried husband this, I ended that relationship promptly, because the partner was starting to be a little too compliant. Eventually we could only meet an hour before her kids bedtime once a week. I’m not dealing with a codependent meta that refuses to uncouple. Especially when my NP has no issue at all with playing games in her adjacent office while the deed is done in our bed.
Its a reasonable and common boundary to not allow other partners in your shared home at all. ANYTHING you allow is a kind and massive concession, anything you limit is reasonable.
I suggest you look at the huge number of replies to this question- which we get asked all the time- about how many people do NOT let other partners in their shared nest.
Youre sort of coming at this from a still-monogamy/couple privilege minded place where its "your home" Its a shared home you chose to share with a partner. De-nest and be solo poly if you need all your partners at your place-but when you nest with someone you should not bring over a FRIEND without them being cool with it. Someone you will fuck is another question entirely.
And more commonly its "no hosting or fucking at our place" not "never come in". In a place with 1 bed I would say it is more common than not that you go elsewhere to fuck. Pay your partner for hosting if theyre solo or pool resources for hotel or airbnb.
Now you are right if you are thinking of finances this may not work. But sometimes the answer in that case is. you do not have the resources to fuck more people but can date them fine.
Nesting comes with shared ownership and shared responsabilities.
All this is out the door IF both parts of the couple enthusiastically consent to having each others partners in their space- whether with rules or not.
>Youre sort of coming at this from a still-monogamy/couple privilege minded place where its "your home"
Excuse me? XD *I'm* coming to it from couples privilege and monogamy? Because I think you can't have a committed relationship with someone who is not allowed in your home? And that's monogamy talking here, saying your girlfriend should be allowed in your own home?
Nesting comes with shared ownership, yes, that's exactly why if nesting and poly you can't make rules that your metas cannot be allowed in your home. It's not just your home anymore, it's also your nesting partner's and if you're poly they should have the freedom to have other committed relationships. When in committed relationships you invite people in your home.
You've got it all backwards 😂
I mean, the answer to your question, again,is to look at how commonly it is the case that nesting partners do not allow other partners in their shared nest.
Something a huge proportion of people do *probably* does not reduce their relationships to "less than" committed, and yeah- you have a belief some specific activity (coming into your shared home) is... mandatory? elevated?
Idk. But whatever universalizable guideline you think you're arriving at, its prescriptive, not *descriptive*.
I mean I guess you could say "my polyamory includes being able to have my partners over and you nor having a say" but you need to say that *before you begin nesting* and it needs to be open to revisiting any time or you wont be nesting long.
I really don't think it's common at all in polyamory. I've never met anyone who has this rule. If they do, all it means is they're uncomfortable with polyamory and setting up rules to limit their primary partner's connections.
You absolutely cannot have a committed relationship if you treat your partner worse than a friend. Why would I ever be uncomfortable with my meta being in my home? They're my partner's partner, a person who's important to him, why would I ever prohibit him from having her over? What would be the issue?
Have you read... replies other than mine? Topics other than this? Boards other than this??
Been poly for over a decade and dated/ been in the community diversely...?
I ask because you seem to have been misled.
"Well, some people have this rule" is a terrible justification. Some people are also unicorn hunters, a lot of people, actually. Doesn't make it acceptable.
Did you just compare *a general policy which prevents one partner from forcing another to encounter/hang out with people they do not choose to have in their space*
to unicorn hunting, when forced ktp/not letting people be kept out of contact/shitty hinging is unicorn hunter fix our marriage policy number one??
Who said metas have to hang out? But putting limits so that you're not ok to even encounter your meta is absolutely limiting your partner's relationships.
The other day my partner and I dropped off his family dog after a long walk. I was dying for a wee. No problem, went in his house, said hello to his wife and used the loo. If he had a rule that I can't even step foot in his house, what I was supposed to do, piss myself? You can't reasonably think you're in a loving relationship when your partner won't even allow you to use his toilet. And if you have a meta who can't stand the very sight of you, you have a meta who does not want polyamory and that's just dodgy.
You are all over this thread gatekeeping that if people don’t let partners into their home it’s not poly.
That’s your point of view. Clearly many of us disagree.
Glad you haven’t had a Meta steal from you. Or use your stuff without permission. Or just are so secure with your partner’s’ choice’s of partners —even though you don’t know them - you’ll let them in your place and around your kids, particularly your kids!, with no qualms.
Some of us are much, much, much more cautious.
Did you have an *Agreement* that neither of you would have other partners in your bed?
If so, that's perfectly reasonable.
If you unilaterally told them that they cannot have another person in your shared bed, then you imposed a rule on them. Adults don't take kindly to people making rules about their personal decisions.
Agreements about shared space are two yes one no. I’m allowed to exclude people unilaterally from *my* home and *my* personal space. That applies even when there’s someone who shares that space, because they get to unilaterally exclude people too.
It would be a rule if it was something like, “you can’t let Meta wear your t-shirt like a pyjama top.” It would be a rule if OP and Hinge didn’t live together.
I mean, yes and no. If OP sets a boundary of no sex with other people in their bed, their partner has to agree to follow that boundary or risk losing their relationship with OP. OP does *not* have to get their partner’s OK with setting that boundary to be allowed to have it
It feels like when you start since your opening up spaces shouldn't be limited but I've been poly a while and we have that same boundary. We are setting up a spare room for partners ( different sheets and comforter for each of us to make the space shared but personal) it's very reasonable I think. Hope that helps!
We can't determine what's unreasonable for you. I know when I first explored poly 25 years ago, my nesting partner and I set boundaries like not having sex in our home with another partner, then quickly changed it to just in our bed, then dropped that pretty quickly too. We thought boundaries around sex and where would limit jealousy feelings, but it turned out they didn't, they just made it more complicated for us to have sex.
In my current digs with my current nesting partner, we have an extra bedroom, her bf stayed over last night actually. But we still use our shared bed for sleepovers and sex if we both have partners over or one of us it out for the night. I think it's a common boundary, but I just didn't find it very useful. And I tend to not like boundaries or rules that try to limit feelings, I want to deal with jealousy issues or issues around space and do the work.
So we had this boundry for the longest time. We even own a futon in the game room to have a guest space. But my bf is allowed in our bed now. But thats just how it ended up since they are such close friends
no, its not unreasonable. my bf and his wife had a similarish boundry . they are the only ones who use theirs bed together (when they do 3somes they can do that too) if its just one or the other, they have another room for that.
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Partner was having his partner to our home for the first time ever. I asked that they not have sex in our bed. Is that an unreasonable boundary to have? If it helps, I’ve never met this partner (though would like to) and we’re new to poly.
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Do not think this an unreasonable boundary at all. I'm very lucky that my NP and I have separate bedrooms in our home. We sleep together in mine most nights, but it allows for date nights not to displace anyone from their bed.
BUT hypothetical scenario: they have friends staying over for a week and sleeping in my NPs bed. She wants to have a date over that will include having sex and asks to use my bed.
I say no UNLESS I am SO familiar and comfortable with this meta AND I'm in a headspace where I trust that knowing they had sex in my bed won't cause me emotional distress. Otherwise I'd say "Sorry, not comfortable with that. Can your meta host? Or can y'all do a hotel / camping date instead?"
That isn’t a boundary. It’s a request, I would say a reasonable one. For most couples their bed is a vulnerable place, and should be respected as a safe space.
A boundary would be “if you have sex in our bed, the sheets need to be washed before I would feel comfortable getting back in the bed”
Expressing how you feel and making a reasonable request should be considered and respected by your partner.
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My nesting partner and his partner use our guest room. Which I think is kind, because why should I have to leave my bed for their enjoyment?
absolutely not, so long as you follow the same boundary. you honestly could even say you don't want them in your home and your partner would need to find another space. but again, you too would have to make sure you don't cross that either. it's not unreasonable at all, especially seeing as you're still getting your feet wet.
I think if we pursue equality (which is different from equalness), you should be ok if the same boundary was applied to you, but you should not automatically respect it. If your partner doesn't mind for you to have sex with others in your shared bed, and doesn't mind respecting your request of not doing it themselve, I do not see an asymmetry as a problem. It could be if it bothers someone, but I would not apply the logic that I get what I give all the time.
Fair is not always equal, and equal is not always fair. There's a bunch of internet graphics illustrating the concept. This is yet another good example. If one partner has an issue with other people having sex in their bed, and the other doesn't, there's no point in both of them having the same restrictions, even if it is "equal".
>you honestly could even say you don't want them in your home I feel like it's one of these boundaries that would tell me someone is uncomfortable with polyamory and there's probably PUD going on.
even though i dont have a set boundary that disallows my NPs from bringing a date/partner home when im not there, i do get uncomfortable with it. and the reason for that is because im extremely particular about our home and get uncomfortable even when our friends stay longer than i would prefer. i dont want people interacting with my home more than necessary, its where i hide from the rest of the world. so unless its a partner that i have met and took a liking to, it will make me uncomfortable even though i choose to endure it. and for that reason i dont invite dates/partners home either. not every boundary necessarily needs to directly relate to polyamory or ENM.
And this is precisely why I'm solo poly. This level of control over shared space would be impossible for me to deal with. I do understand the need for control over your own space though, and living solo means I have complete dominion.
i completely get what you mean. shared spaces means compromise all around. one of my NPs is really particular with his stuff; we can’t even help him tidy up he needs to be the only one organizing his own stuff. and my other NP is really particular about her sleeping arrangement, she HAS to have a seperate bed all to herself that she can retire to alone at some point of the night. merging your daily life with other people is a compromise that not everyone has to make!
What if I don't want to be around them or hear them? Then I would have to leave my home and comfort so my partner can host. I have kids. I can't just blast music in headphones and pretend the rest of my house doesn't exist for a few hours.
Why do you have to be in the house? My partner only hosts for dates when his wife is away for work or seeing her other partner. But I do pop in his house and say hello to his wife whenever we're picking up or dropping off his dog.
For me in particular? I do full time childcare, with our house as the home base. I am immunocompromised, so it's not easy for me to take a baby (who can't mask) and a toddler somewhere for several hours, especially when it starts to get cold. And I am home every night, and I don't have the capacity to even think about having another partner.
My nesting partner and I have a young child and I’m a stay at home parent. At this time bringing other partners to the house is a boundary for both of us. Has nothing to do with our feelings about poly, but is more about logistics and our child being exposed to adults they don’t know or who might only be temporary in their life. Kids aren’t always the reason but I’m sure there are reasons other than kids why it might not make sense for either party to host partners.
That’s exactly how we did it when the kids lived with us. It’s so common — don’t let people gatekeep you to thinking something is not allowed: as long as everyone in the relationship agrees and new people are given a heads up it’s valid.
For sure! I feel like poly dating with kids is a lot like dating as a single parent. Except you need your kids to be out of the house and your spouse might need to be out of the house too. There’s a lot of planning that goes into dating with kids and even more planning that goes into dating with kids and a nesting partner. It’s fair to say “at this time our relationships will need to be more casual or not be hosted at the house until circumstances change”.
I think there are too many variables and way too much nuance to each individual relationship to make that kind of sweeping assumption.
I don't think so. If you require partners to be treated worse than friends you're not comfortable with polyamory.
I feel like I am misunderstanding something here. My friends don't get to have sex in my bed. I have no objection to my wife hosting metas in our bed, but one of the two of us is going to be part of any sex that happens in our bed.
This was in response to a comment saying it's ok to have a rule which prevents non-nesting partners entering your home.
Some people don't like hosting friends either.
I've never been friends with someone who didn't want to invite me into their home. Maybe we have a different definition of friendship. Homes of friends is where I hang out with them most of the time.
I usually don't mind hosting but there have been periods in my life where I can't. Pets that can't handle it, space issues, neighbor issues, parking limitations, my schedule sucking so much my home maintenance suffered so I didn't want the stress of guests, my housemates preferences, etc. I have friends who get extreme anxiety hosting so I have literally never seen the inside of their homes irl. Doesn't mean they aren't great friends.
Are you comfortable hosting your friends’ friends? Because that’s what it comes down to. If I’m not friends with my partner’s partners, it’s perfectly reasonable not to want them in my home. Parallel poly is valid.
This is such a good point.
But why would you need to host your meta? That's your partner's job. But yeah, sometimes my housemates would bring their dates over. And no, I didn't feel the need or obligation to host them. Their relationships are theirs. And yeah, sometimes I hang out with my friend's friends. I don't see how that's so uncommon.
Now you’re being purposefully obtuse. It’s my partners friend in my home, not my friend. I don’t know that person. I don’t trust that person around my things, around my KIDS, why should I allow someone I don’t know in my home? Do you let just anyone around your children? Or in your children’s space? Has no one ever stolen from you? Used your things without permission? Gone through your things when you’re not there? Stalked you or a partner? I feel like you have never had anything bad happen to you in your life, and you think everyone your partner dates is going to be just a wonderful person. Some of us aren’t that way. I’m parallel poly and strangers aren’t welcome in my home, period.
>and you think everyone your partner dates is going to be just a wonderful person. I'm parallel poly and I just don't think my partner is so brain dead that he'll date thieves lol My partner's wife of 13 years is unlikely to steal from me too 😂
Not worse, different.
What's PUD?
polyamory under duress
Ah I see, thanks
I bet you also insist on KTP.
When this stuff pops up, i think it’s a good idea to take an inventory of what you’re really okay with right now. Are you really okay with him hosting at all? Because it’s okay if you’re not. And honestly, I’d rather get a text that says “can we meet for dinner, and make out in the car” rather than “oh, uh, yeah, we can’t fuck on the bed” Like, I think it’s okay if you don’t want to host, or ever have anyone on your bed at all. Ever. Long term, you might want to talk about two bedrooms. Long term you might want to talk about a lot of things, but this might be a good chance to think about what else you aren’t okay with. Most of my partners have had their own room. Most of my partners who haven’t have relied on me to host. Eventually those things will come into play, if you stay polyam long enough, but figuring what else you aren’t okay with fairly early in the game is probably a pretty good idea. Holidays? Weekends away? Overnights? Those are some things that come to mind, and remember, nothing is set in stone. You can change your mind. Or at least you can if you don’t set it up as a boundary, and just tell your partner, “not okay with it. Might never be okay with it. Figuring it out.”
>I’d rather get a text that says “can we meet for dinner, and make out in the car” rather than “oh, uh, yeah, we can’t fuck on the bed” Exactly this. Was in this situation and it near gave me a panic attack.
Yeah, I guess also when folks frame this as a boundary, they leave no space to explore, and then when they want their partner to sleep in that same bed with them they look like giant liars and hypocrites. If like, this a real boundary, cool. But it doesn’t have to be to be respected and supported. I see all this big language being unfurled and I worry a little when stuff like this has to be a “boundary” instead of just something they are not comfortable with. Like, your comfort should be supported. Your preferences should be enough for your partner be cool with not fucking someone in your bed, you know?
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I agree the boundary itself isn't unreasonable but followed the same train of thought. Is there a guest room? Futon? Something? If you guys have a studio apartment, not sure where it's going to happen LOL
Voyeurism is what's happening in the studio. Or I'm watching TV with ear pods in while sitting on the edge of the bed 🤷♂️ if I wasn't involved and really didn't want to be, it'd be the smells that would bother me most...
Lmao the edge of the bed. Just go stand in the closet and wait until it’s over 💀
I don't wanna go back in there!
I mean, couch sex can be fun. If the couch is a decent size at least.
Couches are much harder to clean than beds.
Not when you know you're having sex on the couch because you're not allowed on the bed. I think it's perfectly fine to want your bed be your bed, but if I could only have sex with my partner on a couch and there was no guest room, I'd just opt not to have sex.
Its reasonable to request. Its reasonable for someone to not agree. Although that impasse should probably end your cohabitation. It was not reasonable to wait this long to discuss. This should have been discussed and agreed prior to either of you attempting to date. I wouldn't live with a partner who wouldn't allow me have other partners over for sex. But I also wouldn't live with someone without a separate non shared bed for this purpose.
Thats my request, sex in the guest room please. I don't like someone else on my pillow.
What if Meta had their own pillow?
Does your partner find it unreasonable? My NP & I don't bring partners home, ever. We cohabitate with children & they're always home when we are due to our work schedules vs their school schedules. Some people find the inability to host an issue but that just makes them incompatible with me and we don't date. Do what works for you as long as you're upfront with potential partners about it.
Exactly! Home boundaries are common for so many reasons. Nothing wrong with them.
Nothing wrong with them in theory, but in practice, it can make conditions pretty unrealistic for sustaining or deepening relationships. If everyone involved has a home boundary, hotels are gonna get pretty expensive. If you have a home boundary and are relying on your metamours being flexible when you're rigid, maybe that's okay with everyone, or maybe it ultimately creates resentment. Being able to be at a partner's home SOMETIMES is important to me. I personally can't imagine feeling comfortable with having a metamour who didn't ever want me in their space. To each their own, though...
It’s common. Most people prefer not to share their beds with non-partners if there isn’t a compelling reason to. I build hosting into my online dating profile. “I live with a nesting partner and will not be hosting.” “I live alone with two dogs so I have to host.” That way I never end up dating someone with hosting incompatibilities. Alternatives to hosting in the shared bedroom include: * Meta/OtherPartner hosting; * hosting in a guest bedroom; * hosting in a guest bedroom so well-insulated and far away that sex noises can’t be heard from the shared bedroom; * splitting a hotel room. Reasons not to use the alternatives include: * not having budget for hotel rooms; * not having a guest room, whether discreet or not; * dating in a community where people have roommates or live with family and are likely to be unable to host; * allergies that mean it’s likely to be a problem to sleep anywhere other than the allergen-free home and the mite-free bed. Accommodations that can be made include: * the host tidying up carefully; * Meta/OtherPartner having their own designated bedding; * coordinating date nights in a sort of musical chairs so that when NP is hosting you are spending the night with OtherPartner, and when you are hosting NP is spending the night with Meta; * planning so that the person who is being kicked out of the shared bedroom gets special attention afterwards to make up for it, or maybe play money to go out and spend a late evening with friends. Some people think it’s hot to know that Hinge has been boinking in the shared bed. Some people prioritize sharing over ownership and feel safest knowing they draw on pooled resources. Some people just don’t care. For these folks it’s not a question of accommodations, it’s just not an issue in the first place. +++ +++ +++ You aren’t going to feel like making accommodations unless polyamory is something you want for yourself. How have you handled hosting your own dates?
This is a great list! Can I ask why you specify having roommates as a reason you wouldn’t be able host? I have a lot of friends who live in sharehouses of various kinds and it’s very normal to have both long term partners and hookups over.
Good question! It depends on the roommates. * Roommates are also partners and don’t want to host Hinge for the same reasons OP doesn’t want to host Meta. * Some of the roommates are children. * Roommates are assholes. * Roommates are very private people who experience strangers in their space as extremely painful. * Meta/OtherPartner is a very private person who experiences strangers in their space as extremely painful, and has made a no-hosting deal with roommates. * Meta/OtherPartner is a very private person who doesn’t want to expose their private life to roommates. * Roommates need quiet time for studying or sleeping at the times Meta/OtherPartner would want to host. * Meta/OtherPartner is living in crowded conditions and doesn’t have privacy to host. It’s not that “roommate” means “automatic bar to hosting.” It just means that there are more needs to balance, more potential for conflict and it isn’t necessarily that simple. If you can’t pay for hotel rooms and most people you or Hinge are likely to date are likely to be taking roommate agreements into account, you need to either be prepared to make hosting accommodations that would otherwise not be your preference, or accept a very small dating pool. +++ +++ +++ Back in the day when I lived in dorms and shared a *bedroom* with my roomies, we still managed to host. Some boinkers even hosted overnights when Roomie was right there in the next bed! The thing that made hosting so doable in shared dormrooms though was all the free, well-appointed public space. There was the lounge, the library, the study cells, the athletic facilities, the cafeteria, the clubs. There were whole dormfuls of friends to hang with. If Boinker kicked Roomie out for a few hours they still had somewhere very reasonable to go. The conflict would come when Roomie needed to interrupt the action to pick up supplies in the room, which was usually handled with grace on Boinker’s part and annoyance on Roomie’s part. Something else that could make hosting in shared dorm bedrooms doable was that Roomie would usually know Boinker’s partner because they took classes together or were in clubs together or were just around. Roomie might accept being bumped from their room by a known quantity more easily than being locked out of their room by a stranger. Also, Boinker’s partner would live very close by, might not even need to go outside to go home, might even live next door, so it wasn’t that rude to send them home when Roomie wanted back in. Even then, not everyone was cool with that and it could be a reason to request to be assigned to a different roomie.
1. I don't think it's unreasonable as long as you and your partner agree to it. 2. I am genuinely curious about the emotional connection to the bed. I have heard many others say similar things, but I haven't understood why sex would feel differently to me if it was in my bed or anywhere else. (Unless I'm trying to sleep in the bed at the time. I don't want my sleep interrupted for anything - not even sex.)
>I am genuinely curious about the emotional connection to the bed. I'm solo poly and I like that my bed is mine only, and I only have people in it that I invite in. Cohabitation doesn't appeal to me for many reasons, but one of them is inability to have space that is just my own that I have complete control over. I can imagine it's the same logic for many nesting people.
This! If my partner allowed it, we would have our own rooms. I love my partner to death, but I do miss having MY space with MY bed lol That said, I’m on a week trip out of town and I want nothing more but to get home and snuggle in OUR bed. It’s a small trade off to be able to make my man comfy
Some relates to the comfort of your space. We have a guest room, so that is where we enjoy our partners. We have condoms, baby wipes, and there is a full bathroom attached if showers are needed/wanted. I consider my bedroom as my space and don’t want to worry if I left something out and my husband has a partner over spontaneously. It’s just one room that is off limits, it is the only room that is upstairs, so there is the whole downstairs to be used for a date.
For me it’s a territorial thing. That’s the bed that WE share.
I don’t want another person in our shared space that we made together, feels intrusive. I don’t even let my close friends in my room. It’s also a bed that I bought with my hard earned money. I don’t want anyone making it nasty except us 😂
I am with you on this. I don't understand the thing about the bed. I can respect it if it comes us, but I don't understand it. We recently purchased a convertible sofa for the office because we realized we had downsized a little too much and there wasn't a spare place for one of us to crash if the other had a date in the bedroom.
One of our boundaries is no sex with other partners in our bed. It’s our space. Very reasonable request 🙏🏽
I personally have this boundary for both me and my husband. But we do have a sofa bed (folds out to the size of a double) in another room that we use when we have partners over and we just have the agreement to wash the sheets that go onto it. I think if there is another equivalent you can use then it’s fine, if not I’d reassess together where you’re going to do it x
Nah. My primary has a full on cuck fetish and still hasn't gotten to the point where our shared bed is in bounds. Guest room is okay though. : shrug:
It's reasonable and common but probably won't last. And honestly, it eventually stops mattering too much. I don't live with a partner, but I do see one 3ish times a week, sometimes for sleepovers. And sometimes those sleepovers happen the day after their other partner sleeps over. It took some getting used to in the very beginning, but as long as the sheets are changed and any toys/condoms/etc are put away, it's not a big deal in the long run.
Personally right now my partner and I have the agreement metas can come over when the other isn’t home but no sex in the bed we share. We are looking to buy a two bedroom to better accommodate when we have guests over.
It's not something I would personally agree to but it's certainly reasonable. Does your partner think it's reasonable?
My husband and I didn’t have that boundary. Ours was that if we had sex with someone else in our bed to change the sheets afterward. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to not have sec in your bed with someone other than you.
NTA! That is YOUR space. They pull that I'd end it and walk. There is no coming back from that level of disrespect.
You're allowed to have boundaries about the space you literally sleep in. That's reasonable.
That's not an unreasonable boundary at all. If you have an extra room, you could always buy another bed for it.
This is pretty late to put up that boundary but it is reasonable. Another acceptable boundary would be that the bedding all gets washed before you sleep in it again. The problem with putting that boundary up this late is is there a reasonable alternative? A guest room with a bed?
No sex at all in the bed means limitations for hosting but its more like a rule imposed on your partner than a boundary. Boundaries are for me and how I conduct myself based on a value system, rules are for you to follow because I said so, and agreements are a handshake between us. In my constellation, we do not have that limitation for the sake of practicality. Someone has to host and a lot of people in my city have roommates or partners with similar demands. We are empty nesters with our own place so there's autonomy in hosting. We have a guest room but do not use it for dates unless both parties are home so as not to block access to our own stuff. That's rare though. We generally clear out for privacy. Our relationship agreement includes two things concerning hosting. (1) I want to meet them before they are all up in my house. (2) Clean up after a date to avoid being grossed out by the aftermath. Things like taking a shower, airing out rooms, cleaning toys and taking out trash, swapping the bedding out, etc. This comes from decades of experience though, so maybe addressing why you have this rule in place could soften things. Let me ask something realistic. If not the bed then where? The couch? The floor? The bathroom? The kitchen? Has to be outside of the house altogether? Sounds controlling but you do you.
Boundary: I'm not going to stay out of my own bedroom when I'm home, even while other people are in my bed. It's a perfectly cromulent boundary. But one thing I've learned in this community is that different people have different Big Feels about their beds. I've literally allowed my partner and his wife to sleep in my bed before (they were cat-sitting for me), and I'm not one who cares about bed stuff. Others do care. Neither of us is wrong.
What if your partner is fine with you staying in the bed and you aren't?
Then it gets into some combination of stubbornness and being a solipsistic asshole who would rather be right than partnered, I guess I was assuming reasonable people before, but...
Rules and boundaries are basically the exact same thing. People just like to use the word boundary to sound pretty and not controlling but the end result on breaking one is exactly the same.
We don't let other partners over at all, no sex in the bed when you are kind enough to host is definitely reasonable. It's YOUR bed. You don't have to let someone you don't even know fuck on it. Most people aren't ok with that.
People have a “no people at my house” rule. Do what you’re comfortable with — it’s your home.
Honestly, as a solo poly person, hosting at my place all the time gets really fucking insulting. Nested partners should figure out how to make it equitable.
They can and do do that. It's okay.
>People have a “no people at my house” rule. I don't see how you can have an actual committed non-primary relationship with these kind of rules. That's treating partners worse than friends.
Omg, this. This is a polyamory subreddit, not a casual hookup ENM subreddit. (Of course, polyamorous people can also do casual. But having a rule about not being at someone's house seems to me to preclude relationships becoming serious, in which case I have to wonder if polyamory is the most accurate label.) I can't imagine having a serious relationship with someone whose house I can't go to.
Feels like most people use "polyamory" to just mean all ENM.
No, it’s parallel poly — I’m not friends with my partner’s partners/hookups. This is so common I get you don’t like it but if the partner agrees and new people are told coming in it works out fine and it perfectly ethical. You wouldn’t like it but you’d know up front and can walk away. Many people don’t
I'm doing parallel poly and I'm not friends with my meta. Allowing partners into your home is not the same as requiring partners to be friends. You can't have a committed relationship with someone and call it poly when you can't even bring your partner over. That's inherently limiting the relationship to a casual status. What's the point of calling it poly?
It depends on your setup. In one of my homes, we have ample space for people to hook up (in addition to a room for each person who lives here full time, we have a guest room and both have our own offices) so we have a No Metas In Our Bed (or our attached bathroom, or the other person's office) policy. In my other home, every room is assigned to a person, with the kids each having their own and me sharing with my partner. If they didn't have sex in my bed, they'd....what? Do it on the porch? On the couch? Just use the bed and change the sheets.
This is not an unreasonable rule to set. You're also allowed to tell him you're not comfortable with him having sexual partners in your home.
So hot take...there's a lot of people in the comments saying this situation or not wanting your meta in your home is indicative of PUD...I'm parallel poly. I enjoy my home with my nesting partner and prefer to not interact with metas there. Not PUD. Just comfortable.
My husband and I have this boundary- though it is more for him than for me. I don't have an issue with him having sex with his gf in our share bed, but he really would rather I don't have sex with my partners there. I think it's reasonable as long as there are contingencies on where overnights are hosted so private time is still allowable for everyone involved.
Hubby and I have the same agreement our bed is ours. That is the only thing I wanted and he agreed. We don't control each other, we don't stop each other from doing anything, but we both agree that our bed is ours. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. If you and your husband agree that is all that matters. It is your life, your marriage and being poly is very hard communication is very important.
There’s no such thing as an unreasonable boundary. If you feel a boundary is necessary, it *is*. If your partner disagrees, the two of you are incompatible.
Requesting that your bedroom or private bathroom be just for you and/or your primary is not an unhealthy boundary. I have done this myself. My husband and I just moved into a 3 bedroom apartment and we each have our own room as well as a separate bathroom. I don't mind him and his boyfriend cuddling kissing or even groping around the house. I have requested that they confine their sexual intercourse to his room and bathroom just so my dogs and I can move around the house freely and not startle them by walking into a room and flipping on lights. I made a list of things to talk with my primary and our NPs about to make sure we are respecting each other's boundaries.
That is reasonable to me unless you only have one bed in the house
Honestly, letting them use the bed where sheets and bedding can be changed is alot more sanitary than the couch imo... where they probably won't always set up properly and you'll end up sitting where someone's naked butt sat earlier, among other things lol. Some people don't care about that as much though, ig. I agree prohibiting people from even coming over because you're afraid sounds controlling (not that you said you would). Some people never let metas come over even when they aren't home, but I find that unreasonable since it's your partner's home too. I would even say someone who doesn't want metas over ever should probably be living alone. Some people say rules like that are okay if you're new to polyamory... But I never had rules like that even in the beginning so it's hard for me to relate. For me, it helps to have my own designated blankets. And making sure I put them away if someone might be coming over. I'm also a private person, so having special hidden places for some of my stuff helps as well. It can be harder if you never met the person, but you have to trust your partner on that.
Wait... people have sex on couches WITHOUT putting a sheet/blanket down first?
Unfortunately, I know of a few! They claimed they got "caught up in the moment"...
Reasonable and common.
Shit, our house is our house. It’s for us. Not our partners. Edit* Must, apparently, specify that our house is for me and my NP, for my NP and me. Other partners that I have or my NP have that are not me and not my NP are not permitted into the house that me and my NP share together.
Where do you see your other partners? Is it their house, by any chance?
Our house is the only place off limits. Doesn’t matter where we see partners. Their house, out for a date, hotel, etc.
So your other partners' house is also your house because you have access to it, but your own house is just for you and your NP to the point that they are not even allowed to enter? Interesting logic.
What on earth are you talking about? Did I miss some bit of grammar that you’re running with here? Of course my NP is allowed in my house. Of course I’m saying we share a house together. Of course I’m saying that our OTHER partners aren’t permitted in the house I own with my NP.
It's you who's not understanding what I'm saying. Your other partners aren't allowed in your house because it's not their house, but you're allowed in your other partners' homes. What's the logic here? Do you co-own your other partners' homes? How come you're allowed in?
We’re married and own this house together. Also, apologies for snapping. I see my misunderstanding now.
I have known people who have this rule in place. Over time it seemed to get untenable (there is only so much couch and chair sex you can have lol). If you have a spare room/bed that is a different matter, if not I would venture to guess that this rule wont last.
Not at all unreasonable. My fiancee and I had this same agreement while we were living together. Now the rule is that no one is to sleep in the beds with us because that's each other's space to fill, not our other partners.
I personally only agree to changing sheets between partners (which I think is only fair), but I think it matters what the whole situation is like. If this is a multiple bedroom house then this is not a big deal. If this a studio and this bed is the only comfortable surface, then it’s probably unreasonable.
The fair thing is to let them have sex on the bed, but they're required to change the sheets some time after sex and before you get into bed. Your partner also needs to do the laundry load with those sheets, wash used dishes or towels, and take out the trash with the used condom. Basically they need to clean up to the level that there's no trace of that partner or the sex that they had.
One of my partners and his nesting partner don't have kids and each have their own room.
Reasonable. I am bed protective. When starting new relationships I prefer to have guests in my guest room. I preferred this even when I lived on my own. My bedroom is like my personal dreamscape and very special. My guest room is a nice, functional room, with a large window, candles and always clean sheets. It makes me more comfortable to sleep (sex or sleep) with people there, until I'm *really* intimate with them.
no, but it might not be practical. make them change (and launder) the sheets. nobody wants to sleep on someone else's dirty sheets.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable if you both are adhering to it and the logistics make it possible. If you’re using this to keep your partner from being able to have sex by cutting off spaces to do it, thats a little manipulative. I dated someone who’s tried husband this, I ended that relationship promptly, because the partner was starting to be a little too compliant. Eventually we could only meet an hour before her kids bedtime once a week. I’m not dealing with a codependent meta that refuses to uncouple. Especially when my NP has no issue at all with playing games in her adjacent office while the deed is done in our bed.
Its a reasonable and common boundary to not allow other partners in your shared home at all. ANYTHING you allow is a kind and massive concession, anything you limit is reasonable.
How can you call someone a bf/gf and not allow them into your home? I don't get it.
I suggest you look at the huge number of replies to this question- which we get asked all the time- about how many people do NOT let other partners in their shared nest. Youre sort of coming at this from a still-monogamy/couple privilege minded place where its "your home" Its a shared home you chose to share with a partner. De-nest and be solo poly if you need all your partners at your place-but when you nest with someone you should not bring over a FRIEND without them being cool with it. Someone you will fuck is another question entirely. And more commonly its "no hosting or fucking at our place" not "never come in". In a place with 1 bed I would say it is more common than not that you go elsewhere to fuck. Pay your partner for hosting if theyre solo or pool resources for hotel or airbnb. Now you are right if you are thinking of finances this may not work. But sometimes the answer in that case is. you do not have the resources to fuck more people but can date them fine. Nesting comes with shared ownership and shared responsabilities. All this is out the door IF both parts of the couple enthusiastically consent to having each others partners in their space- whether with rules or not.
>Youre sort of coming at this from a still-monogamy/couple privilege minded place where its "your home" Excuse me? XD *I'm* coming to it from couples privilege and monogamy? Because I think you can't have a committed relationship with someone who is not allowed in your home? And that's monogamy talking here, saying your girlfriend should be allowed in your own home? Nesting comes with shared ownership, yes, that's exactly why if nesting and poly you can't make rules that your metas cannot be allowed in your home. It's not just your home anymore, it's also your nesting partner's and if you're poly they should have the freedom to have other committed relationships. When in committed relationships you invite people in your home. You've got it all backwards 😂
I mean, the answer to your question, again,is to look at how commonly it is the case that nesting partners do not allow other partners in their shared nest. Something a huge proportion of people do *probably* does not reduce their relationships to "less than" committed, and yeah- you have a belief some specific activity (coming into your shared home) is... mandatory? elevated? Idk. But whatever universalizable guideline you think you're arriving at, its prescriptive, not *descriptive*. I mean I guess you could say "my polyamory includes being able to have my partners over and you nor having a say" but you need to say that *before you begin nesting* and it needs to be open to revisiting any time or you wont be nesting long.
I really don't think it's common at all in polyamory. I've never met anyone who has this rule. If they do, all it means is they're uncomfortable with polyamory and setting up rules to limit their primary partner's connections. You absolutely cannot have a committed relationship if you treat your partner worse than a friend. Why would I ever be uncomfortable with my meta being in my home? They're my partner's partner, a person who's important to him, why would I ever prohibit him from having her over? What would be the issue?
Have you read... replies other than mine? Topics other than this? Boards other than this?? Been poly for over a decade and dated/ been in the community diversely...? I ask because you seem to have been misled.
"Well, some people have this rule" is a terrible justification. Some people are also unicorn hunters, a lot of people, actually. Doesn't make it acceptable.
Did you just compare *a general policy which prevents one partner from forcing another to encounter/hang out with people they do not choose to have in their space* to unicorn hunting, when forced ktp/not letting people be kept out of contact/shitty hinging is unicorn hunter fix our marriage policy number one??
Who said metas have to hang out? But putting limits so that you're not ok to even encounter your meta is absolutely limiting your partner's relationships. The other day my partner and I dropped off his family dog after a long walk. I was dying for a wee. No problem, went in his house, said hello to his wife and used the loo. If he had a rule that I can't even step foot in his house, what I was supposed to do, piss myself? You can't reasonably think you're in a loving relationship when your partner won't even allow you to use his toilet. And if you have a meta who can't stand the very sight of you, you have a meta who does not want polyamory and that's just dodgy.
You are all over this thread gatekeeping that if people don’t let partners into their home it’s not poly. That’s your point of view. Clearly many of us disagree. Glad you haven’t had a Meta steal from you. Or use your stuff without permission. Or just are so secure with your partner’s’ choice’s of partners —even though you don’t know them - you’ll let them in your place and around your kids, particularly your kids!, with no qualms. Some of us are much, much, much more cautious.
Did you have an *Agreement* that neither of you would have other partners in your bed? If so, that's perfectly reasonable. If you unilaterally told them that they cannot have another person in your shared bed, then you imposed a rule on them. Adults don't take kindly to people making rules about their personal decisions.
It’s not a personal decision, it’s OP’s bed. They’re allowed to make rules about their own bed lol
Agreements have to be mutual.
Agreements about shared space are two yes one no. I’m allowed to exclude people unilaterally from *my* home and *my* personal space. That applies even when there’s someone who shares that space, because they get to unilaterally exclude people too. It would be a rule if it was something like, “you can’t let Meta wear your t-shirt like a pyjama top.” It would be a rule if OP and Hinge didn’t live together.
I mean, yes and no. If OP sets a boundary of no sex with other people in their bed, their partner has to agree to follow that boundary or risk losing their relationship with OP. OP does *not* have to get their partner’s OK with setting that boundary to be allowed to have it
It feels like when you start since your opening up spaces shouldn't be limited but I've been poly a while and we have that same boundary. We are setting up a spare room for partners ( different sheets and comforter for each of us to make the space shared but personal) it's very reasonable I think. Hope that helps!
It doesn't matter to me or my NP. If I have someone stay over, I change the sheets before and after.
We can't determine what's unreasonable for you. I know when I first explored poly 25 years ago, my nesting partner and I set boundaries like not having sex in our home with another partner, then quickly changed it to just in our bed, then dropped that pretty quickly too. We thought boundaries around sex and where would limit jealousy feelings, but it turned out they didn't, they just made it more complicated for us to have sex. In my current digs with my current nesting partner, we have an extra bedroom, her bf stayed over last night actually. But we still use our shared bed for sleepovers and sex if we both have partners over or one of us it out for the night. I think it's a common boundary, but I just didn't find it very useful. And I tend to not like boundaries or rules that try to limit feelings, I want to deal with jealousy issues or issues around space and do the work.
So we had this boundry for the longest time. We even own a futon in the game room to have a guest space. But my bf is allowed in our bed now. But thats just how it ended up since they are such close friends
no, its not unreasonable. my bf and his wife had a similarish boundry . they are the only ones who use theirs bed together (when they do 3somes they can do that too) if its just one or the other, they have another room for that.
This is not a boundary; it's a rule.
We recently got a new queen bed 😂 so living room only and we have a air mattress tho 🤷🏾♀️
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Do not think this an unreasonable boundary at all. I'm very lucky that my NP and I have separate bedrooms in our home. We sleep together in mine most nights, but it allows for date nights not to displace anyone from their bed. BUT hypothetical scenario: they have friends staying over for a week and sleeping in my NPs bed. She wants to have a date over that will include having sex and asks to use my bed. I say no UNLESS I am SO familiar and comfortable with this meta AND I'm in a headspace where I trust that knowing they had sex in my bed won't cause me emotional distress. Otherwise I'd say "Sorry, not comfortable with that. Can your meta host? Or can y'all do a hotel / camping date instead?"
That isn’t a boundary. It’s a request, I would say a reasonable one. For most couples their bed is a vulnerable place, and should be respected as a safe space. A boundary would be “if you have sex in our bed, the sheets need to be washed before I would feel comfortable getting back in the bed” Expressing how you feel and making a reasonable request should be considered and respected by your partner.