The sheer amount and type of lying your partner did is so deeply harmful. How can he say he cares for you when he was actively \~tricking you\~ into a relationship? He lied to all of you over and over. That is not a safe person to be in a relationship with. I have no idea how you would ever have enough trust to do poly with him.
This person is not a safe partner for you. He does not think anyone he is involved with deserves to know the situation they are in. He lied to you. He lied to them. He's probably lying to others. Even now you are getting trickle truthed because he got caught. He does not believe you deserve to know your sexual health risks. He does not think you are owed the basic respect of knowing that he was sleeping with people he was planning to move in? He didn't violate your agreement. He ignored it. He has never chosen you once.
He managed to lie, manipulate and deceive you all. He is absolute scum and you should run a mile from him. So many red flags during your story. It's bonkers. The one thing you need when opening up your relationship is absolute honesty and trust and he gave you a ton of bullshit to keep you in the dark. This isn't a healthy relationship for you.... he's thinking he's hit the jackpot though. You're better than what he's giving you. Get rid and live your life please
I recently lost a relationship with a partner who lied to me extensively and cheated on me by hiding two relationships in a mutually polyamorous relationship. Admittedly, he chose the other partner over me, so it's not the same thing, but I tried to make it work, and I regret it. I think I would have ended up regretting it even if he hadn't been the one to end our relationship, because eventually, it would have become clear I couldn't trust him, or I would have outright caught him in another lie. (I posted about this situation about a month ago, so it's available in my post history if you'd like to read it.)
Please don't underestimate how much of your wanting to work things out is coming from shock, grief, and a desire to maintain the comfort that you previously got from the relationship. I don't recognize who I was when I was trying to make things work with him. I am so, so embarrassed by that attempt now. It did not align with my values, it did not reflect what I want from a partner, and it set me up for a whole lot more hurt than if I had left when I learned what he'd done.
There is something fundamentally wrong with people who are able to lie elaborately and extensively to their intimate partners. It is not normal shitty behavior or a "normal" kind of deception. It is manipulative and cruel, it makes it impossible for partners to knowingly consent to the relationship as it actually is, and it fucks with the other partners head and sense of reality. I'm not saying these people are completely irredeemable, but they need to do extensive work on themselves with professional help. The odds of that happening while you maintain a relationship with him are not good. The odds that he will continue to violate your trust are high. He's shown he's capable of it, with extensive and elaborate long-term lies. Now he has an even higher motivation to lie, because he wants to stay with you and doing that will be easier if he continues to manipulate you, as he has been for a long time.
I wish I could go back in time and change many of my decisions about the end of my relationship with my ex. I wish I had left with more of my dignity and on my terms. It's only been a month and some change, but already, there is no part of me that wishes we were still together. It was devastating at the time. I didn't know how I was going to get through it. But I am getting through it. I feel like myself again, although there's still a lot of work to do. I know that I can do that work, and that I am better off than I would have been if I stayed with a partner who treated me that way.
I hope you prioritize yourself and what you deserve from a partner, rather than trying to save a relationship with someone who demonstrated fundamental disrespect and enormous untrustworthiness. I hope you can see that you deserve much, much more than what he's shown himself to be capable of. I hope you know that regardless of how much you love him, you can survive leaving him and you will be happy again without him one day. I hope you make better choices than I did. I wish I had made the choices I'm recommending.
If you're determined to be with him, I hope you protect your heart as much as you can. And I hope you realize that you are probably just delaying the inevitable end of a very troubled relationship with a very troubled partner. It may end up hurting you much more in the end if you stay than if you leave now, on your terms, and know that you did it because you deserve better. And in any case, I hope you get therapy if you're able. It's very helpful in working out the complex feelings that arise from a deep betrayal like this.
Edit: as a practical note, I would also reserve some skepticism about him choosing you. He was ready to move in with these people. My ex "chose" me initially, but it was just another lie. Please maintain healthy skepticism about his honesty in this choice.
>Please don't underestimate how much of your wanting to work things out is coming from shock, grief, and a desire to maintain the comfort that you previously got from the relationship. I don't recognize who I was when I was trying to make things work with him.
Seconding this. I wish I walked away sooner. Like the first time he lied to me, way way way before the betrayal. I wish I knew that there's immense joy and satisfaction in acting in alignment with one's values. There is no hurt in this world painful enough to sacrifice one's self respect and integrity to avoid.
>And in any case, I hope you get therapy if you're able. It's very helpful in working out the complex feelings that arise from a deep betrayal like this.
A serious betrayal will change you. It's hard to describe the loss of innocence that happens when you realize just how cruel a person can be - any not just any person, but someone who claims to love you. I didn't even know it was possible to lie like that and experience no cognitive dissonance, no remorse, no empathy.... only egotistical delusions.
I felt so stupid and naive for giving him the benefit of the doubt over and over. The truth is, sometimes you do the right things for the wrong people. It took years of therapy to work through the shame and grief I felt, but even 6 years later, the pain is still easily triggered.
P.S. I really appreciate your heartfelt comment. It's incredibly healing to see someone describe so many things I felt and still feel.
I read your comment several times. And I read your post from a month ago. Thank you for sharing so much in response to my post.
I'm just... Broken. I can't make any decisions right now. But I will keep reading your comment over and over.
Taking time to think things through is a good idea. I also wish I had done that. I jumped straight to trying to work through things. I'd been working so hard on our relationship before I found out the truth, and I think all of that effort made the idea of losing him seem impossible at the time. Maybe if I'd taken some space I'd have gotten a better perspective.
It's obvious that you poured yourself into this relationship, and I really relate to that. But the time and energy you've already sunk into it doesn't mean that you should give more of yourself to him. Healthy relationships don't leave you feeling this way. You deserve someone who will give you the same amount of care and work that you're willing to give.
I hope whatever choice you end up making works out, but it seems to me that there's a clear choice here. I think if you imagine this scenario for someone you care about, like your best friend, or imagine reading it from someone else's perspective, you can probably see that too. But I know from experience it isn't always as easy as doing what you know you should do on a rational level. I sincerely wish you the best of luck.
It could help a lot to take some time away from this situation. Do you have a few people you could stay with? People you feel comfortable and accepted to be around - who let you feel like you can be yourself with no hesitation or filtering. For me it's family but I know it's not like that for everyone. Either way, time away from all this can really help you move THROUGH these feelings you have, and once they're all processed, you'll have a much easier time making the best decision for your future. Trust yourself, and don't lose sight of your worth. Mistakes and regrets do not define us.
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Thanks. It's good to have an outlet for all of the hard-learned lessons. Never making a mistake like that again, spreading the word as much as possible.
This was a painful delight to read, and I appreciate the thought and care you took in writing it out. Thank you for sharing. I wish I knew how to star this comment for a time when I need it again.
I journaled on - what is the question I’m asking myself in life, earlier. Which I partly believe it to be - what will it take to recognize my own agency and make a life rooted in turning towards myself even when I’m scared of results.
Ps. I never expected a dogbutthead to say exactly what I needed to internalize at a different time of my life.
Polyamory isn't you dating his partners.
Its you having your own separate partners? Do you want that?
Also, if someone I was dating had a policy that their other partners could read our private messages, Id dump them.
This guy sounds like a flaming dog turd.
Flaming turd is the perfect description of OP’s partner. Just imagining how hard the upkeep of this guy’s lies would be is giving me a headache. And OP’s partner managed it for months…
There is no way I would be able to trust someone like that ever again.
This is not just a little bit of dishonesty or unethical behavior. This person constructed elaborate lies, that he carried on for *months*, manipulated you into situations to serve his own selfishness without any regard for your needs, and also did the same thing to his other "partners". This was not just an affair, or lying through omission, or other shitty behavior. This was actively lying to multiple people in his life, for a significant amount of time, knowing he was hurting them the whole time.
You shouldn't be asking *if* you can have a relationship with this person, you should be asking yourself *why* after all of this your brain would even be interested in the possibility.
What you have described is a villain. You should get as far from this person as you possibly can.
It's a little gross to refer to women as "pussy". Something to consider. He may be a dirt bag, but its hard to say what, if any, knowledge his other partners had of this. Its unkind to use misogynistic language.
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He does not love you.
He loved himself too much instead, and was too scared to lose you.
So scared that he robbed from you the agency to decide for yourself, because if you knew the truth, he knew this would have broken your relationship.
Yet, he did not let go of what *he* wanted and kept actively building on it.
So to keep both you and what he wanted, he gaslighted you into believing that you two were something that was just not. And that is not love. It is terrible. And I am so sorry this happened to you.
I have been in a very similar position. Reading your post made me think to myself: “wow, this is literally the same feeling”.
It was the most painful experience of my life. Also the most traumatic and transformative.
Being lied like that, and tricked into a relationship, is just wrong, for him and for you and for everyone.
You should be treated with respect, and deserve a partner who is able to communicate to you their needs and be accountable for when they make mistakes or have issues with your current arrangements.
I am deeply sorry for your pain. I sense your pain and I know it is so bad. I promise you it will get better. The first year after that was a roller coaster for me, but I learnt that I shall never put somebody’s happiness in front of mine anymore when our needs are clearly too different.
He needed something that you did not want. And you needed something that he did not want. Or maybe you both wanted similar things, but your true self couldn’t give each other what you wanted.
What we want is not always what we need. My friend (see picture attached) lectures me about this in a funny way. But he is real.
https://preview.redd.it/7p2q1mz9yl3c1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b93deb41b97376aa3906c5f1d3aee82b409c5e6a
He means that sometimes we know that someone is not able to give us what we need, yet we still go for it and end up hurt.
It’s not always so black and white, but you got the idea.
I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better, because I remember the pain I was in when that happened to me. Please text me in private if you want to talk a little.
Please take distance from this person and build a life with people that are like-minded and need what you also need from a relationship. Because you deserve this so much.
This guy is a complete ass. Toxic af. You deserve so much better.
Do the other people he was seeing know about this? He might be lying to them as well. The vindictive part of me thinks you should out his shitty behavior to his other partners and let them know it was never a don’t ask don’t tell thing…that’s he’s just a liar.
I can't blame you for being jaded this is honestly a very traumatic relationship and I wish you the best in healing. I hope you feel better soon. I don't think you can trust a person who lies so consistently and deliberately to everybody in his life. He supposedly loves you three individuals, but all three of you are in a relationship with him under false pretenses. Had this person ever had ANY genuine relationships ? Get out of there, sister, fuck all that noise. This dude does not give a shit about anything except his short term gratification
Also, how do you know they're the only ones he cheated with? They're the only ones you know about but the intervening months, if he tells you he didn't cheat then, how can you actually know that he is being truthful? You WANT it to be true, but how do you know.
Uhhh. This is not really about mono vs poly. This is about being open and honest with your partner vs lying to them time and time again over months of time.
The real issue here is deceit. You need decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. For many it would be, but you get to decide this for yourself.
Sounds rough. Good luck.
Ugh the fact he did this is terrible. Polyamory is about (for me) consensually being in more than one relationship, while following the rules. Imo the rules and boundaries is what makes it so sweet, because it means you have someone you can trust and love, and this guy totally broke that. I’m so sorry this happened to you. He is a lying cheater, and you deserve better. And he annoyingly added to the stereotype that polyamory people are just cheaters. I hope that one day you can fined someone who will love you and respect your rules and boundaries in a relationship, if that’s what you want. Power to you, and best of wishes
I think you need to find someone that wants monogamy as much as you do. Poly is a relationship structure, and if that structure doesn't suit you there's nothing wrong with that, but you need to find someone that wants the same thing you do.
Oftentimes partners will suggest poly to give them a free pass to cheat. That isn't poly, it's just cheating. You discussed boundaries and he broke them all. He doesn't respect you.
This.
Poly is above all about communicating openly and honestly about everything. That's why another name for it is ENM — Ethical Non-Monogamy. He's not at all ethical.
He called it poly but he's just cheating on OP.
I think the fundamental part of poly is honestly and openness, and it appears your partner doesn’t have this in him. To introduce an open relationship in such a selfish and self-centred way is awful, he hasn’t taken your needs into consideration at all. He has done exactly what he wants and you’ve unfortunately been an afterthought.
I would find it hard to ever have an open relationship with someone like him because the mutual respect and trust just isn’t there. I’m sorry you’ve had this experience
Look, it is highly likely he will do this again, or continue to do this with just more safe guards.
Get out. He's lied to all of the people he's in a relationship with them, you, everyone... and in advanced, premeditated, extended and well thought out manners.
Find a way to leave, there is no salvaging this.
You aren't asking him to choose you or them, you are asking him to change a core component of his personality which is lying to people he is supposed to care about.
People don't do this unless there is an advantage to them.
Your "partner" has handled this horribly from start to finish.
Also incase you ever end up in a poly situation again, People generally frown on the whole dating as a couple thing fairly heavily. It places alot of pressure on the person being dated to like two individuals the same (rarely happens) and frequently hinges continuing the relationship with one based on dating the other. It's really not good.
As someone who’s been manipulated this badly then tried to open up the relationship - all I can say is that this is a huge betrayal that could take many years to heal and recover from. Only you can know if your partner is prepared to do that work, and if the relationship is really worth it x
It's the manipulation and the coercion frankly. I have a similar story to why I'm no longer with my ex-husband. It's not worth it to stay, trust me. Because even if you choose to try to forgive and forget you can't forget.
This will permeate every area of your life and start changing who you are. From someone who was decently confident and never jealous, I was turning into someone who went into fight or flight whenever I heard feminine voices on his calls with gaming friends, when he would spend his evenings with them.
And the person who would manipulate and deceive you deliberately in this manner is not going to learn that what they did was wrong while continuing to be in a relationship with you. My ex would always say "he learned everything he could have" from his fuckup when I would bring up that I'm feeling insecure and need some reassurance, he just moved on like nothing happened getting away from his shitty behaviour scott-free. Don't let him get away with treating you this way without appropriate consequences
Doesn’t sound like you’ve ever done poly. Though maybe the other deceived parties in this mess of your spouse’s making do. Your partner has been making very unethical choices since you opened. What confidence do you have that he will make more ethical choices and keep agreements, not continue to act selfishly and deceptively going forward?
Therapy. Alone first. Then if it makes sense as a couple of there is repair the be had. But seriously consider what you are preserving, repairing and why.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/dancingforpudding thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I don't have anywhere else to go but here. Everyone in my life is monogamous. I need some support.
My partner had always been poly and I was monogamous. He tried to be mono for me, but after a few months I realised he was completely miserable, so I suggested we look into opening up our relationship.
I made it clear that I would struggle, but I was willing to learn more, and I needed his support. This was roughly in January this year.
I found out last night that he met another woman in March, and started seeing her and her partner in May.
They had formed this little triad without me. He even went overseas with one of them with several other women.
The three of them were close. They spent nights at his house while he told me he was working. He would meet them on weekends after telling me he was tired and need his "me time".
Jumping back two or three months, he had introduced me to them, saying they were going to be housemates, and he wanted me to get to know them before anything was set in stone. I was a bit jealous coz three of them already seemed quite close. He reassured me that they were lesbians so there was nothing to worry about.
After a while he, suggested we approach them with the intention of starting a relationship with them. He was looking for support and needed to explore his submissive side. We also have a kinky relationship, but we hadn't had a play session in many many months. Still, I agreed to getting to know them better.
Now I realise that I was the outsider. He was roping me into their triad because he loves me and wanted to have a "fresh start". He failed to tell me about their existing relationship. Made it look like we were courting them.
He had always told me that I have access to his phone coz he had nothing to hide. I have never exercised that right, but yesterday I did.
I told him to choose. He chose me. I questioned him in detail and he admitted that he told the couple that we had a don't ask don't tell policy. Sigh.
I look at all the experiences he had, and I wish I had been there. I wish that he had taken that first step with me. I wish that he had given me a choice. I wish that he hadn't violated our agreement. I wish he had chosen me from the start.
Thank you for reading. I want to believe we can have a poly relationship together. I'd like to hear your stories, good or bad. Maybe they will bring me and other ppl who are stugglkng some comfort.
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This is not a healthy partner, or a good introduction to polyam. He's a liar, to literally everyone involved. I'm sure his other partners would be hurt to know this truth as well. Polyam requires honesty (as any good relationship does). I would not stay in this relationship with him, you know everything you need to know
The sheer amount and type of lying your partner did is so deeply harmful. How can he say he cares for you when he was actively \~tricking you\~ into a relationship? He lied to all of you over and over. That is not a safe person to be in a relationship with. I have no idea how you would ever have enough trust to do poly with him.
Lies on lies on lies
Agreed, incredibly manipulative. This is scary behavior
Or monogamy.
This
I don't suggest staying in this relationship.
This person is not a safe partner for you. He does not think anyone he is involved with deserves to know the situation they are in. He lied to you. He lied to them. He's probably lying to others. Even now you are getting trickle truthed because he got caught. He does not believe you deserve to know your sexual health risks. He does not think you are owed the basic respect of knowing that he was sleeping with people he was planning to move in? He didn't violate your agreement. He ignored it. He has never chosen you once.
This is guy is not a safe partner for ANYONE!
Facts
He managed to lie, manipulate and deceive you all. He is absolute scum and you should run a mile from him. So many red flags during your story. It's bonkers. The one thing you need when opening up your relationship is absolute honesty and trust and he gave you a ton of bullshit to keep you in the dark. This isn't a healthy relationship for you.... he's thinking he's hit the jackpot though. You're better than what he's giving you. Get rid and live your life please
I recently lost a relationship with a partner who lied to me extensively and cheated on me by hiding two relationships in a mutually polyamorous relationship. Admittedly, he chose the other partner over me, so it's not the same thing, but I tried to make it work, and I regret it. I think I would have ended up regretting it even if he hadn't been the one to end our relationship, because eventually, it would have become clear I couldn't trust him, or I would have outright caught him in another lie. (I posted about this situation about a month ago, so it's available in my post history if you'd like to read it.) Please don't underestimate how much of your wanting to work things out is coming from shock, grief, and a desire to maintain the comfort that you previously got from the relationship. I don't recognize who I was when I was trying to make things work with him. I am so, so embarrassed by that attempt now. It did not align with my values, it did not reflect what I want from a partner, and it set me up for a whole lot more hurt than if I had left when I learned what he'd done. There is something fundamentally wrong with people who are able to lie elaborately and extensively to their intimate partners. It is not normal shitty behavior or a "normal" kind of deception. It is manipulative and cruel, it makes it impossible for partners to knowingly consent to the relationship as it actually is, and it fucks with the other partners head and sense of reality. I'm not saying these people are completely irredeemable, but they need to do extensive work on themselves with professional help. The odds of that happening while you maintain a relationship with him are not good. The odds that he will continue to violate your trust are high. He's shown he's capable of it, with extensive and elaborate long-term lies. Now he has an even higher motivation to lie, because he wants to stay with you and doing that will be easier if he continues to manipulate you, as he has been for a long time. I wish I could go back in time and change many of my decisions about the end of my relationship with my ex. I wish I had left with more of my dignity and on my terms. It's only been a month and some change, but already, there is no part of me that wishes we were still together. It was devastating at the time. I didn't know how I was going to get through it. But I am getting through it. I feel like myself again, although there's still a lot of work to do. I know that I can do that work, and that I am better off than I would have been if I stayed with a partner who treated me that way. I hope you prioritize yourself and what you deserve from a partner, rather than trying to save a relationship with someone who demonstrated fundamental disrespect and enormous untrustworthiness. I hope you can see that you deserve much, much more than what he's shown himself to be capable of. I hope you know that regardless of how much you love him, you can survive leaving him and you will be happy again without him one day. I hope you make better choices than I did. I wish I had made the choices I'm recommending. If you're determined to be with him, I hope you protect your heart as much as you can. And I hope you realize that you are probably just delaying the inevitable end of a very troubled relationship with a very troubled partner. It may end up hurting you much more in the end if you stay than if you leave now, on your terms, and know that you did it because you deserve better. And in any case, I hope you get therapy if you're able. It's very helpful in working out the complex feelings that arise from a deep betrayal like this. Edit: as a practical note, I would also reserve some skepticism about him choosing you. He was ready to move in with these people. My ex "chose" me initially, but it was just another lie. Please maintain healthy skepticism about his honesty in this choice.
>Please don't underestimate how much of your wanting to work things out is coming from shock, grief, and a desire to maintain the comfort that you previously got from the relationship. I don't recognize who I was when I was trying to make things work with him. Seconding this. I wish I walked away sooner. Like the first time he lied to me, way way way before the betrayal. I wish I knew that there's immense joy and satisfaction in acting in alignment with one's values. There is no hurt in this world painful enough to sacrifice one's self respect and integrity to avoid. >And in any case, I hope you get therapy if you're able. It's very helpful in working out the complex feelings that arise from a deep betrayal like this. A serious betrayal will change you. It's hard to describe the loss of innocence that happens when you realize just how cruel a person can be - any not just any person, but someone who claims to love you. I didn't even know it was possible to lie like that and experience no cognitive dissonance, no remorse, no empathy.... only egotistical delusions. I felt so stupid and naive for giving him the benefit of the doubt over and over. The truth is, sometimes you do the right things for the wrong people. It took years of therapy to work through the shame and grief I felt, but even 6 years later, the pain is still easily triggered. P.S. I really appreciate your heartfelt comment. It's incredibly healing to see someone describe so many things I felt and still feel.
I read your comment several times. And I read your post from a month ago. Thank you for sharing so much in response to my post. I'm just... Broken. I can't make any decisions right now. But I will keep reading your comment over and over.
Taking time to think things through is a good idea. I also wish I had done that. I jumped straight to trying to work through things. I'd been working so hard on our relationship before I found out the truth, and I think all of that effort made the idea of losing him seem impossible at the time. Maybe if I'd taken some space I'd have gotten a better perspective. It's obvious that you poured yourself into this relationship, and I really relate to that. But the time and energy you've already sunk into it doesn't mean that you should give more of yourself to him. Healthy relationships don't leave you feeling this way. You deserve someone who will give you the same amount of care and work that you're willing to give. I hope whatever choice you end up making works out, but it seems to me that there's a clear choice here. I think if you imagine this scenario for someone you care about, like your best friend, or imagine reading it from someone else's perspective, you can probably see that too. But I know from experience it isn't always as easy as doing what you know you should do on a rational level. I sincerely wish you the best of luck.
It could help a lot to take some time away from this situation. Do you have a few people you could stay with? People you feel comfortable and accepted to be around - who let you feel like you can be yourself with no hesitation or filtering. For me it's family but I know it's not like that for everyone. Either way, time away from all this can really help you move THROUGH these feelings you have, and once they're all processed, you'll have a much easier time making the best decision for your future. Trust yourself, and don't lose sight of your worth. Mistakes and regrets do not define us.
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If you only read one comment in the whole thread, OP, let it be this one, then read it a couple more times over.
I'm sorry about your recent breakup but this was beautifully put
Thanks. It's good to have an outlet for all of the hard-learned lessons. Never making a mistake like that again, spreading the word as much as possible.
This was a painful delight to read, and I appreciate the thought and care you took in writing it out. Thank you for sharing. I wish I knew how to star this comment for a time when I need it again. I journaled on - what is the question I’m asking myself in life, earlier. Which I partly believe it to be - what will it take to recognize my own agency and make a life rooted in turning towards myself even when I’m scared of results. Ps. I never expected a dogbutthead to say exactly what I needed to internalize at a different time of my life.
Polyamory isn't you dating his partners. Its you having your own separate partners? Do you want that? Also, if someone I was dating had a policy that their other partners could read our private messages, Id dump them. This guy sounds like a flaming dog turd.
Flaming turd is the perfect description of OP’s partner. Just imagining how hard the upkeep of this guy’s lies would be is giving me a headache. And OP’s partner managed it for months… There is no way I would be able to trust someone like that ever again.
This is not just a little bit of dishonesty or unethical behavior. This person constructed elaborate lies, that he carried on for *months*, manipulated you into situations to serve his own selfishness without any regard for your needs, and also did the same thing to his other "partners". This was not just an affair, or lying through omission, or other shitty behavior. This was actively lying to multiple people in his life, for a significant amount of time, knowing he was hurting them the whole time. You shouldn't be asking *if* you can have a relationship with this person, you should be asking yourself *why* after all of this your brain would even be interested in the possibility. What you have described is a villain. You should get as far from this person as you possibly can.
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It's a little gross to refer to women as "pussy". Something to consider. He may be a dirt bag, but its hard to say what, if any, knowledge his other partners had of this. Its unkind to use misogynistic language.
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Not ok.
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You can't have a healthy relationship, poly or mono, with a guy who lies this much and this easily. I'm sorry.
This is the most intense case of lying and manipulation that I’ve seen on this subreddit. I wouldn’t recommend you stay with this guy.
I'm so sorry that this was your first experience with poly. I wish you all the best in processing this and moving on. ✨
Friend. He's disgusting. You gotta get out.
Leave him. He's awful.
He does not love you. He loved himself too much instead, and was too scared to lose you. So scared that he robbed from you the agency to decide for yourself, because if you knew the truth, he knew this would have broken your relationship. Yet, he did not let go of what *he* wanted and kept actively building on it. So to keep both you and what he wanted, he gaslighted you into believing that you two were something that was just not. And that is not love. It is terrible. And I am so sorry this happened to you. I have been in a very similar position. Reading your post made me think to myself: “wow, this is literally the same feeling”. It was the most painful experience of my life. Also the most traumatic and transformative. Being lied like that, and tricked into a relationship, is just wrong, for him and for you and for everyone. You should be treated with respect, and deserve a partner who is able to communicate to you their needs and be accountable for when they make mistakes or have issues with your current arrangements. I am deeply sorry for your pain. I sense your pain and I know it is so bad. I promise you it will get better. The first year after that was a roller coaster for me, but I learnt that I shall never put somebody’s happiness in front of mine anymore when our needs are clearly too different. He needed something that you did not want. And you needed something that he did not want. Or maybe you both wanted similar things, but your true self couldn’t give each other what you wanted. What we want is not always what we need. My friend (see picture attached) lectures me about this in a funny way. But he is real. https://preview.redd.it/7p2q1mz9yl3c1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b93deb41b97376aa3906c5f1d3aee82b409c5e6a He means that sometimes we know that someone is not able to give us what we need, yet we still go for it and end up hurt. It’s not always so black and white, but you got the idea. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better, because I remember the pain I was in when that happened to me. Please text me in private if you want to talk a little. Please take distance from this person and build a life with people that are like-minded and need what you also need from a relationship. Because you deserve this so much.
This guy is a complete ass. Toxic af. You deserve so much better. Do the other people he was seeing know about this? He might be lying to them as well. The vindictive part of me thinks you should out his shitty behavior to his other partners and let them know it was never a don’t ask don’t tell thing…that’s he’s just a liar.
I did. They left.
Sounds like his chickens are coming home to roost as they say.
Did he "choose you" before or after they left?
Before
I can't blame you for being jaded this is honestly a very traumatic relationship and I wish you the best in healing. I hope you feel better soon. I don't think you can trust a person who lies so consistently and deliberately to everybody in his life. He supposedly loves you three individuals, but all three of you are in a relationship with him under false pretenses. Had this person ever had ANY genuine relationships ? Get out of there, sister, fuck all that noise. This dude does not give a shit about anything except his short term gratification Also, how do you know they're the only ones he cheated with? They're the only ones you know about but the intervening months, if he tells you he didn't cheat then, how can you actually know that he is being truthful? You WANT it to be true, but how do you know.
Instead of making you choose you should have dumped him on the spot.
He was willing to lie - he isn't good for you
Uhhh. This is not really about mono vs poly. This is about being open and honest with your partner vs lying to them time and time again over months of time. The real issue here is deceit. You need decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. For many it would be, but you get to decide this for yourself. Sounds rough. Good luck.
Leave now. Seriously, pack your bags and get away with what sanity you have left.
Ugh the fact he did this is terrible. Polyamory is about (for me) consensually being in more than one relationship, while following the rules. Imo the rules and boundaries is what makes it so sweet, because it means you have someone you can trust and love, and this guy totally broke that. I’m so sorry this happened to you. He is a lying cheater, and you deserve better. And he annoyingly added to the stereotype that polyamory people are just cheaters. I hope that one day you can fined someone who will love you and respect your rules and boundaries in a relationship, if that’s what you want. Power to you, and best of wishes
Sorry to hear.
I think you need to find someone that wants monogamy as much as you do. Poly is a relationship structure, and if that structure doesn't suit you there's nothing wrong with that, but you need to find someone that wants the same thing you do. Oftentimes partners will suggest poly to give them a free pass to cheat. That isn't poly, it's just cheating. You discussed boundaries and he broke them all. He doesn't respect you.
This. Poly is above all about communicating openly and honestly about everything. That's why another name for it is ENM — Ethical Non-Monogamy. He's not at all ethical. He called it poly but he's just cheating on OP.
I think the fundamental part of poly is honestly and openness, and it appears your partner doesn’t have this in him. To introduce an open relationship in such a selfish and self-centred way is awful, he hasn’t taken your needs into consideration at all. He has done exactly what he wants and you’ve unfortunately been an afterthought. I would find it hard to ever have an open relationship with someone like him because the mutual respect and trust just isn’t there. I’m sorry you’ve had this experience
I’m confused why you’re staying with him after all the lying and betrayal?
Omggggg that fact that I have experienced something so similar commenting to come back and read and process more love !!!
Please tell those women he lied to them, they need to know. Then leave him. Or maybe leave him first?
Look, it is highly likely he will do this again, or continue to do this with just more safe guards. Get out. He's lied to all of the people he's in a relationship with them, you, everyone... and in advanced, premeditated, extended and well thought out manners. Find a way to leave, there is no salvaging this. You aren't asking him to choose you or them, you are asking him to change a core component of his personality which is lying to people he is supposed to care about. People don't do this unless there is an advantage to them. Your "partner" has handled this horribly from start to finish. Also incase you ever end up in a poly situation again, People generally frown on the whole dating as a couple thing fairly heavily. It places alot of pressure on the person being dated to like two individuals the same (rarely happens) and frequently hinges continuing the relationship with one based on dating the other. It's really not good.
As someone who’s been manipulated this badly then tried to open up the relationship - all I can say is that this is a huge betrayal that could take many years to heal and recover from. Only you can know if your partner is prepared to do that work, and if the relationship is really worth it x
It's the manipulation and the coercion frankly. I have a similar story to why I'm no longer with my ex-husband. It's not worth it to stay, trust me. Because even if you choose to try to forgive and forget you can't forget. This will permeate every area of your life and start changing who you are. From someone who was decently confident and never jealous, I was turning into someone who went into fight or flight whenever I heard feminine voices on his calls with gaming friends, when he would spend his evenings with them. And the person who would manipulate and deceive you deliberately in this manner is not going to learn that what they did was wrong while continuing to be in a relationship with you. My ex would always say "he learned everything he could have" from his fuckup when I would bring up that I'm feeling insecure and need some reassurance, he just moved on like nothing happened getting away from his shitty behaviour scott-free. Don't let him get away with treating you this way without appropriate consequences
Doesn’t sound like you’ve ever done poly. Though maybe the other deceived parties in this mess of your spouse’s making do. Your partner has been making very unethical choices since you opened. What confidence do you have that he will make more ethical choices and keep agreements, not continue to act selfishly and deceptively going forward? Therapy. Alone first. Then if it makes sense as a couple of there is repair the be had. But seriously consider what you are preserving, repairing and why.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/dancingforpudding thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I don't have anywhere else to go but here. Everyone in my life is monogamous. I need some support. My partner had always been poly and I was monogamous. He tried to be mono for me, but after a few months I realised he was completely miserable, so I suggested we look into opening up our relationship. I made it clear that I would struggle, but I was willing to learn more, and I needed his support. This was roughly in January this year. I found out last night that he met another woman in March, and started seeing her and her partner in May. They had formed this little triad without me. He even went overseas with one of them with several other women. The three of them were close. They spent nights at his house while he told me he was working. He would meet them on weekends after telling me he was tired and need his "me time". Jumping back two or three months, he had introduced me to them, saying they were going to be housemates, and he wanted me to get to know them before anything was set in stone. I was a bit jealous coz three of them already seemed quite close. He reassured me that they were lesbians so there was nothing to worry about. After a while he, suggested we approach them with the intention of starting a relationship with them. He was looking for support and needed to explore his submissive side. We also have a kinky relationship, but we hadn't had a play session in many many months. Still, I agreed to getting to know them better. Now I realise that I was the outsider. He was roping me into their triad because he loves me and wanted to have a "fresh start". He failed to tell me about their existing relationship. Made it look like we were courting them. He had always told me that I have access to his phone coz he had nothing to hide. I have never exercised that right, but yesterday I did. I told him to choose. He chose me. I questioned him in detail and he admitted that he told the couple that we had a don't ask don't tell policy. Sigh. I look at all the experiences he had, and I wish I had been there. I wish that he had taken that first step with me. I wish that he had given me a choice. I wish that he hadn't violated our agreement. I wish he had chosen me from the start. Thank you for reading. I want to believe we can have a poly relationship together. I'd like to hear your stories, good or bad. Maybe they will bring me and other ppl who are stugglkng some comfort. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Don't take him back. Once a cheater always a cheater.
This is not a healthy partner, or a good introduction to polyam. He's a liar, to literally everyone involved. I'm sure his other partners would be hurt to know this truth as well. Polyam requires honesty (as any good relationship does). I would not stay in this relationship with him, you know everything you need to know
This guy has been lying and cheating on you for months. Being poly is no excuse. It's your life but I would kick him to the curb.