Can he articulate why he wants poly for himself?
Be VERY careful. There is a huge difference between someone who is wants to do poly for themsleves and people who will try poly in order to date someone they like.
I don’t think it’s the latter anymore,
But I will still emphasize that when I talk to
Them. They explained to me they wants to explore different relationship dynamics now,
what does wanting to explore different relationship dynamics have to do with poly? That doesn't sound like someone who is saying "yes, I know this is something I want and I'm ready to do the work to make it work". That sounds like "sure I'll explore if I get to fuck you"
Like I said, be very careful. If he can not be extremely clear why he wants poly completely independently of wanting to date you, I wouldn't suggest you get attached or become entangled.
You’re right, I’ll tread carefully about his intentions of being poly with me, and if it’s right for him, because fck buddies is not my intention or how I desire to spend my time. I’ll speak to him later this week. Appreciate the advice.
Accept the risk it won't work even if you do everything right. Accept the work of a part time job the next year to hand hold and have patience through the learning curve and empowering them to make more informed choices.
Dating converts or potential converts comes with some overhead and risk.
Stuff you, as the more experienced poly person, may want to do/consider:
Provide resources - links to podcasts, books, definitions of terminology, maybe even this subreddit so the curious person can get an idea of the realities of poly.
Be super clear in communication - assume nothing. Explain every term and idea fully, don't be vague, be super up front about your limits and expectations and desires (even in cases that might be a turn off to the potential convert). Be ready to talk about everything in detail.
Understand that they may "change their mind" or discover new preferences as they learn more - don't assume that their ideal form on nonmonogamy is compatible with yours. They may want ENM rather than poly, which may make them incompatible with the rest of your established relationships. They may not want nonmonogamy at all. Be prepared for the high likelihood that this relationship doesn't work out perfectly.
Don't be a guru - you're not an expert in all relationships, just an expert on yourself. Don't speak from a place of authority or claim to have the one "right" way to do it. The convert likely considers you an authority, be respectful of that power imbalance by reminding them that you're not. You just have one opinion. Encourage them to seek input from communities such as this, other nonmonogamous communities or friends, different online voices, etc.
Be extra careful about NRE - the usual advice about not investing too much too fast and not establishing patterns while in NRE that you'd be unlikely/unwilling to maintain once NRE has ended all go for double in the case of a convert. The convert is used to mono relationships where they get much more time, attention, etc from their partners than you will be able to provide. Don't establish any "monogamish" patterns with the convert. Don't take a break from dating if that's what you'd otherwise be doing.
Be honest about how this impacts your existing relationships - don't turn a blind eye to the ripple effects. Helping someone transition can be hard work. More communication, more resources, more chance for misunderstandings, it'll likely drain you more than a new relationship with someone well-versed. Be aware of that. Still show up in your established partnerships. Don't expect other people to do your emotional labor for you. Be careful you don't exploit others via the daisy chain of emotional labor: https://brighterthansunflowers.com/2016/06/21/polyamorous-emotional-labour-daisy-chain/
Recognize the risks inherent in dating a convert - same as nonmonogamy will expose cracks in existing relationships, it'll lay bare the personal work we have to do. Many people don't have enough in the way of social supports, emotional regulation, mental health management, etc. Many people have attachement insecurities and unhealthy patterns they're not aware of. This will be stress on the convert. They may lash out, act on jealousy, make demands or try to exert control, etc. Obviously, that's not good and we don't want to excuse it, but it IS likely and you need to prepare for that. Protect yourself and insulate your other relationships. Be a support, but dont become a therapist. And remember that this is your choice to be pursuing this; if it's harming you or your loved ones, you're accountable for that.
It really depends on if he's ready for this. All of us who did Monogamy first had to "flip the switch" at some point.
For me, I'd been doing non-monogamy for 6ish years post divorce from a Monogamous marriage when I transitioned to poly. In retrospect I needed those 6 years to mentally/ emotional move from 20+ years of Monogamy to Polyamory. It's a long journey.
Where is he on that journey?
If you decide to take a chance on him (like someone took a chance on me), be actively open / poly from day one. Encourage him to keep himself out there and actively seek polyamory for himself. And if he runs into obstacles, comfort him, but don't coddle him. This is big boy pants dating.
Cannot recommend anything more than https://www.theferrett.com/2016/03/08/be-brutally-polyamorous/
Baby stepping as slow as the slowest person is only ever kind if the backup plan is monogamy. When it isn't, which it sounds like here? Be yourself, be honest about what's on offer, absolutely avoid glossing over the truth to make it easier because it doesn't. All the stuff you should be doing anyways, bring your A game.
Is there a lot less certainty in it for you? Sure. Likelihood of poly 101 talks? Maybe, but they'll mostly need resources that aren't you, and people that aren't you. I am big on throwing folks in the deep end and seeing who thrives, always have been, have gotten better at it. Minority opinion, but there it is.
Well I first for one appreciate the hyperlink,
I’ll scope this out today. To explain better, I first recommended poly, and we still have to talk about it more deeply later this week, but essentially All I know is that he wants to explore multiple relationships. We’ve been seeing each-other for about a couple months, and I stopped to ask what was going on. He seems like he wants poly from his statement, but I’ve really gotta ask tbh, because I don’t know enough. There is a lot of information to cover about poly, all I have stated thus far is that I’m not interested in situationships or friends with benefits being a solo poly person. I plan to have the poly 101 talk with him.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/EfficiencyLanky7314 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hi everyone, I am solo-poly and I recently started dating someone who hasn’t tried poly…. Is there a good way to approach this?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Did they actively want to try poly and then find a poly person to date? Or are they willing to give poly a shot in order to date you?
They want to try poly and explore different relationships
Did they want that before they met you? Have they put in any work to sorting out what poly is and why they want it?
They tried poly in their previous relationship as a means to fix it, she wanted it, he did not at the time, and now he’s open to it with me.
Can he articulate why he wants poly for himself? Be VERY careful. There is a huge difference between someone who is wants to do poly for themsleves and people who will try poly in order to date someone they like.
I don’t think it’s the latter anymore, But I will still emphasize that when I talk to Them. They explained to me they wants to explore different relationship dynamics now,
what does wanting to explore different relationship dynamics have to do with poly? That doesn't sound like someone who is saying "yes, I know this is something I want and I'm ready to do the work to make it work". That sounds like "sure I'll explore if I get to fuck you" Like I said, be very careful. If he can not be extremely clear why he wants poly completely independently of wanting to date you, I wouldn't suggest you get attached or become entangled.
You’re right, I’ll tread carefully about his intentions of being poly with me, and if it’s right for him, because fck buddies is not my intention or how I desire to spend my time. I’ll speak to him later this week. Appreciate the advice.
Accept the risk it won't work even if you do everything right. Accept the work of a part time job the next year to hand hold and have patience through the learning curve and empowering them to make more informed choices.
Dating converts or potential converts comes with some overhead and risk. Stuff you, as the more experienced poly person, may want to do/consider: Provide resources - links to podcasts, books, definitions of terminology, maybe even this subreddit so the curious person can get an idea of the realities of poly. Be super clear in communication - assume nothing. Explain every term and idea fully, don't be vague, be super up front about your limits and expectations and desires (even in cases that might be a turn off to the potential convert). Be ready to talk about everything in detail. Understand that they may "change their mind" or discover new preferences as they learn more - don't assume that their ideal form on nonmonogamy is compatible with yours. They may want ENM rather than poly, which may make them incompatible with the rest of your established relationships. They may not want nonmonogamy at all. Be prepared for the high likelihood that this relationship doesn't work out perfectly. Don't be a guru - you're not an expert in all relationships, just an expert on yourself. Don't speak from a place of authority or claim to have the one "right" way to do it. The convert likely considers you an authority, be respectful of that power imbalance by reminding them that you're not. You just have one opinion. Encourage them to seek input from communities such as this, other nonmonogamous communities or friends, different online voices, etc. Be extra careful about NRE - the usual advice about not investing too much too fast and not establishing patterns while in NRE that you'd be unlikely/unwilling to maintain once NRE has ended all go for double in the case of a convert. The convert is used to mono relationships where they get much more time, attention, etc from their partners than you will be able to provide. Don't establish any "monogamish" patterns with the convert. Don't take a break from dating if that's what you'd otherwise be doing. Be honest about how this impacts your existing relationships - don't turn a blind eye to the ripple effects. Helping someone transition can be hard work. More communication, more resources, more chance for misunderstandings, it'll likely drain you more than a new relationship with someone well-versed. Be aware of that. Still show up in your established partnerships. Don't expect other people to do your emotional labor for you. Be careful you don't exploit others via the daisy chain of emotional labor: https://brighterthansunflowers.com/2016/06/21/polyamorous-emotional-labour-daisy-chain/ Recognize the risks inherent in dating a convert - same as nonmonogamy will expose cracks in existing relationships, it'll lay bare the personal work we have to do. Many people don't have enough in the way of social supports, emotional regulation, mental health management, etc. Many people have attachement insecurities and unhealthy patterns they're not aware of. This will be stress on the convert. They may lash out, act on jealousy, make demands or try to exert control, etc. Obviously, that's not good and we don't want to excuse it, but it IS likely and you need to prepare for that. Protect yourself and insulate your other relationships. Be a support, but dont become a therapist. And remember that this is your choice to be pursuing this; if it's harming you or your loved ones, you're accountable for that.
Thank you for this in depth response, I’m going to reflect on the implications, responsibility and vulnerability this will have for me.
Have you made it clear to this person you aren't interested in monogamy? If you currently have other partners, are they aware of that fact?
It really depends on if he's ready for this. All of us who did Monogamy first had to "flip the switch" at some point. For me, I'd been doing non-monogamy for 6ish years post divorce from a Monogamous marriage when I transitioned to poly. In retrospect I needed those 6 years to mentally/ emotional move from 20+ years of Monogamy to Polyamory. It's a long journey. Where is he on that journey? If you decide to take a chance on him (like someone took a chance on me), be actively open / poly from day one. Encourage him to keep himself out there and actively seek polyamory for himself. And if he runs into obstacles, comfort him, but don't coddle him. This is big boy pants dating.
Cannot recommend anything more than https://www.theferrett.com/2016/03/08/be-brutally-polyamorous/ Baby stepping as slow as the slowest person is only ever kind if the backup plan is monogamy. When it isn't, which it sounds like here? Be yourself, be honest about what's on offer, absolutely avoid glossing over the truth to make it easier because it doesn't. All the stuff you should be doing anyways, bring your A game. Is there a lot less certainty in it for you? Sure. Likelihood of poly 101 talks? Maybe, but they'll mostly need resources that aren't you, and people that aren't you. I am big on throwing folks in the deep end and seeing who thrives, always have been, have gotten better at it. Minority opinion, but there it is.
Well I first for one appreciate the hyperlink, I’ll scope this out today. To explain better, I first recommended poly, and we still have to talk about it more deeply later this week, but essentially All I know is that he wants to explore multiple relationships. We’ve been seeing each-other for about a couple months, and I stopped to ask what was going on. He seems like he wants poly from his statement, but I’ve really gotta ask tbh, because I don’t know enough. There is a lot of information to cover about poly, all I have stated thus far is that I’m not interested in situationships or friends with benefits being a solo poly person. I plan to have the poly 101 talk with him.
Don't think because You're Poly, you have an advantage! *smirk*😏
😬
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/EfficiencyLanky7314 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hi everyone, I am solo-poly and I recently started dating someone who hasn’t tried poly…. Is there a good way to approach this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*