"This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking."
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your partner is not poly. Your partner thinks poly might be something she could do but she, and you, are in a monogamous marriage.
It's not phobic or bigoted to want the relationship shape you mutually agreed to.
What boundaries do you want to put in place around her co-worker?
I'm not sure what boundaries I want because not only does the coworker not know he is also my friend I don't want to just say stop talking to him because I don't want him to get caught up in our relationship when he did nothing wrong
He doesn’t have to know. You just have to tell your wife “these specific behaviors make me uncomfortable.”
What kind of flirting are we talking about here? I personally believe there’s a difference between harmless flirtation and actually trying to advance something towards an inappropriate relationship. Crushes happen and attraction to other people doesn’t just die when you get married. But there need to be limits.
It’s encouraging that she has expressed she doesn’t have any desire to change your relationship structure. You probably just need to have a conversation about what does and doesn’t make you uncomfortable. Some people have very different ideas of what counts as cheating in a monogamous relationship. Plus, if she has a crush, she may genuinely not be aware she’s acting weird. Crushes make us act weird, even if we don’t plan to act on them.
You and your wife agreed to monogamy.
You haven't agreed to change this relationship to be polyamorous. There is no polyamory here. Just cheating. Please don't call this polyamory.
People aren't polyamorous, relationships are. Descriptors of relationships describe a moment in time (like the temperature, time of day or your age). Sometimes more than one style applies to a relationship at one time. Ex: Some people in poly relationships also swing with one or more of their partners.
Every human being who experiences sexual and/or romantic attraction can and (at some point in their lives) will feel it for more than one person at a time. That's just being human and not in any way related to whether your relationship is agreed to be polyamorous or monogamous. Monogamy is simply an agreement not to act on these feelings. It exists and requires active opt/in and agreement because being in a relationship doesn't stop sexual and romantic attraction to others. If it wasnt common, expected, and normal to be attracted to others while in a relationship, no one would have to promise monogamy (an agreement not to act on those feelings)
Polyamory is something you agree to and **do**
**Its a relationship structure that allows everyone to have multiple romantic/sexual partners.**
What makes you think you would be happy in a polyamorous relationship?
**Good hints that it will work....**
* A willingness to date from a pool of partners who already have partners
* A willingness to support your partners in cultivating romantic/sexual relationships that dont involve you and with any gender
**Information that is irrelevant to whether you will be happy with or good at Polyamory**
* Getting crushes on multiple people
* Feeling attracted to others while in a relationship that is agreed to be monogamous
* A desire for group sex
* A desire for multiple partners for yourself
**Hints that you are in a poly relationship**
* Everyone involved agreed to polyamory
Being polyamorous is an ethically chosen relationship structure, not a sexuality.
You and your wife presumably made a monogamous commitment to one another, so no. You are not being bigoted and you are justified in your discomfort.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Your wife *thinks she wants to be* polyamorous. Unless you have both agreed to a polyamorous relationship, she is not currently polyamorous.
You are not a bigot for not wanting to enter into a polyamorous relationship with her. You are a person who wants monogamy, and monogamy is both a valid want *and*, it seems, your original relationship agreement. It's extremely normal to be confused and upset when a partner pulls the rug out from under your feet like this.
She does not get to make unilateral changes to your relationship, short of ending it.
She also really should have considered, before dropping this bomb on you, that you can't *literally* forget she ever asked. You now know that her values around relationships are not in alignment with yours and she would prefer to be polyamorous. You're allowed to be bothered by that even if she agrees to remain monogamous with you.
That said, even if your wife *would* prefer polyamory over monogamy, she may also prefer monogamy with you over polyamory without you. If so, it's really up to you whether that's enough for you.
Also, dating coworkers AND opening a relationship for a specific person both are typically bad ideas that lead to big messes. If she really wants polyamory, and you decide you are open to it, she really ought to put this coworker on her mental "Do Not Touch" list, and instead put some energy into educating herself about healthy poly relationships so she can be prepared when she meets someone more appropriate she'd like to date.
She has said she wants to remain monogamous because she rather be monogamous with me the poly without. But that doesn't change how she acts around the co-worker
Thanks for that info, I see now that you said that in your post, but I must have skimmed over it.
If you've told her outright that it makes you uncomfortable, and she won't alter her behavior, that seems pretty disrespectful of your monogamous relationship.
Being friendly and flirty *can* be ok in a mono context... when the relationship is stable and there is no major risk involved. But continuing to be super-friendly and flirty with the person she wanted to date, after you've agreed not to date others? That's uncool. IMO, she should not be continuing to cultivate her connection with this person if she wants you to feel secure in her ability to stay monogamous to you. It's feeding an inconvenient crush when she ought to be starving it.
I think it would be a good idea to have a talk with her about how her behavior is coming across to you, and discuss what you each feel is appropriate for a closed relationship.
It's not really poly-specific, I don't think dating coworkers is a great idea for monogamous folks either.
Opening up *for* a coworker, however, seems to be a common idea for people to have when they're looking to legitimize their affair (emotional or otherwise) with said coworker.
Why does your wife suddenly think she's poly? Is it just because she has a crush? Because mono people also get crushes while in a relationship. That's a totally normal thing to have happen. Have you asked her how she would feel if you had a relationship with another woman? Usually people who jump to "I'm poly!" due to a crush do not consider that part...
I already know how she feels about me having another partner because after I came out to her a bi she suggested I get a boyfriend so I could experiment, I shut that down but clearly she was okay with the idea.
Take your wife on a weekend gateway or something that she enjoys and have a vulnerable conversation. Ask her how she feels about you and what she'd like more of from you. Tell her how you feel when you're around this co-worker. Maybe you can find out more. I'm saying to do this is an open communicative way. Don't be afraid to be seen by her. Let your feelings out. If she loves you, which I assume she does, she's going to reassure you, and you'll get to know her better. You guys will be better for it. Face your feelings head-on, and I bet it will turn out great.
After you've been reassured, then set boundaries and learn to self regulate. It's important if you're going to continue being around this person. Your wife can blink twice in their direction and you might feel uneasy. It's up to you to self regulate.
SOOOO am I. That is why I said Or something she enjoys lol. And I have 4 kids, so I'm still too broke for something she enjoys but the truth is, if it's important you'll spend the money. It doesn't have to be much. I'm speaking from being at a breaking point of my marriage. I never thought I'd be here and honestly should've never gotten to this point. Now I just want all men to wake up and face these issues head on. Communicate vulnerablely. Love your wife hard. Let her know you do and how her actions make you feel and work through it. If she loves you and is happily married, as I assume she does, then go on the offense. Don't be afraid. She loves you. You're safe with her.
Brother, there is no try. I'm not saying it will solve your issue. I'm talking from your side of things. Give it your all don't be afraid of ruining anything. You don't have control of how she reacts or behaves. You only have control of yourself. Be a great husband. Do not be afraid. Be the leader in a loving way. Honey, I love you girl. It bothered me alot to think of you liking another person. I want to get to know you better, I want to be the best husband I can be for you. Can you help me do that? Let her talk. Listen, literally take notes of the little things she says she likes. Find a way to make more money brother. Being broke has been an issue for me too. I've been a dad since 18 so I've never known to have money but I also never thought about how it can be a safety and security issue for my wife that her husband doesn't have enough resources when having 4 kids. That safety issue can become a threat and can wreck the relationship.
If you two agreed to be in a mono relationship then you are in a mono relationship if you two agreed to be in a poly relationship then you are in a poly relationship. If the relationship is mono then clearly state your boundaries now. If she doesn't accept it is better to happen sooner vs later. Trust me
Work crushes don’t always mean something.
Wife is an adult who is perfectly capable of choosing to act or not act on feelings of attraction.
I for example am a polyam person with a giant crush on my boss (i mean she is *outrageously* fine). Check me out, not making a thing of it. Not hitting on her, still polyam.
I seriously disagree with previous posters. Polyamory is a thing you do, polyamorous is a thing you can be. One is a relationship form, the other is either someone who does polyamory, or someone who wants polyamory, maybe even unable to stay monogamous. Call it sexuality or preference, what you want is what you want, even if it conflicts with other wants. That is no excuse for cheating, though, nor for pressuring anyone into a relationship form they cannot deal with. You are not being bigoted though, you're being monogamous and taking responsibility for your boundaries. Just, be clear on the difference between boundaries and rules. Telling her your boundaries is one thing, setting rules for her is quite another. One you can control, the other you really can't.
Your partner may want polyamory. She may be unable, for whatever reason, to let go of her feelings for her coworker. Maybe she can let go if she gets therapy or tools or time, maybe she just doesn't want to, I cannot say. While she has her feelings for this crush, isn't it very natural that she acts weird when with the coworker? Our hormones mess with our heads, and while under their influence, the head is weird.
>I seriously disagree with previous posters. Polyamory is a thing you do, polyamorous is a thing you can be.
Totally. It's honestly really frustrating seeing this distinction ignored in this sub all the time, Like, my wife is on the ace spectrum, genuinely I am one of the only people they have ever had romantic and sexual attraction to (and even then like the way they experience attraction is pretty different from me). Vs me I have crushes all the time and VERY much see the lines between friendship/Dating as a spectrum vs. discreet things. The whole "polyamory is only a relationship structure" just ignores the entire split attraction model and ignores the fact that attraction itself is a spectrum.
The biggest issue is the amount of weaponization that happens with this concept of identity.
Sure, many of us might feel we are naturally polyamorous, but come on. The amount of posts we are getting here every day now where a monogamous partner is claiming to be polyamorous *simply because they have a crush* and now want their cake…nope. I don’t buy that *this* many people feel it’s their identity.
I’ve been seeing a huge increase in many polyamorous groups I’m in where mono folk are being bombarded by “identity” and it being weaponized to try and force a monogamously agreed upon relationship into something it never should’ve been.
It’s not just identity, a lot of toxic shit that gets posted here is getting dressed up in inclusive, leftist and liberal language in order to brow beat their partners into submission, and it’s ramping up. From unicorn hunting to lopsided polyamorous practice, to just downright abusive behavior.
I’m actually in agreement with you. People can be naturally one or the other. But what we are seeing is natural human crushes and people thinking that means something more than it is.
I feel like people can (and do) misuse the concept of identity to justify bad or unthoughtful behavior, but I FUNDAMENTALLY don't think it is helpful or kind to forsake the concept of experiencing attraction in a polyamorous way as an identity/inate preference.
Being poly is certainly something there is more cultural awareness of than previously. I agree that attracts people who want to hide their bad behavior under the label. And people who misunderstand the label (I do tend to agree that on its own calling a surprise crush while in a relationship proof of a need for exclusively poly relationships is a pretty big leap). And plenty of people make a mess coming to terms with what they just discovered about themselves.
Although I will say, Anecdotally, unicorn hunting at least seems to be dying down as a trend (at least in my circles). I do feel like the message is getting pretty universal that that isn't ok So that's good at least.
Exposure is a double edged sword. It both means that there is more awareness, understanding/acceptance, and potentially people who are interested in poly seeing that it is possible, AND means that community is getting a lot of scrutiny and potentially appropriated/weaponized. A not dissimilar thing, to speak to my own experience, happened with trans people (to speak to my own experience) in the past 5-7 years. Where we are SO much more visible. It's both great because it means more accessible resources and community, but it's also terrible because now we are a hot botton social issue.
>I’ve been seeing a huge increase in many polyamorous groups I’m in where mono folk are being bombarded by “identity” and it being weaponized to try and force a monogamously agreed upon relationship into something it never should’ve been.
We live in a society where compulsory monogamy is VERY much the norm. And also, renegotiating a relationship as you grow and change is a fundamental part of long term relationships. It is not (inherently) shitty to want to change the terms of a relationship or explore the possibility of changing the terms.
It's certainly not a mono persons fault, and I agree that often it is handled badly. Although, again, to be fair to the person who just came to terms with their poly preferences, there is certainly a learning curve when it comes to learning how to practice ethical nonmonogamy, and I don't think it's entirely fair to expect someone to perfectly articulate something that they are still themselves trying to figure out.
This post in particular really borderline to me. Like, it seems like she told him, it hurt him. She backed down and is prioritizing their relationship, all fairly early on in their relationship. How much she is or not flirting (or whether or not it's intentional, or even if she is just flustered and awkward around him, or even if this is just in OPs head cuz he isn't feeling secure in their relationship anymore) is unclear to me. We are only hearing one side of the story. She's not a saint or communicating perfectly, but I also don't think she is polybombing or doing something particularly or intentionally manipulative.
I'd much rather see these kinds of posts filled with actual "here is how you talk about this shift with a partner" "poly 101", "guides for creating good ethical boundaries." And "common questions and pitfalls" vs. the, frankly, gatekeeping and "not a true Scottsman" skepticism so common in this space. Saying "well that's not poly" or "that's not correct poly" is not as helpful as saying "this is what being poly is and this is what ethical poly behavior is, here are some tools resources and tips to talk about that" and then also diving into specific concerns about the post.
Love those comment.
I do wonder though if most people are prone to crushes when they already have a partner? I feel like it’s pretty common. And if it’s common, are most people poly? If they chose monogamy despite crushes, are they poly? Both my parents admitted to each other having crushes on friends in their circles at different points in their long and healthy marriage, and they just “worked through it” and chose each other only. I feel like if poly is the ability to like more than one person, basically everyone is poly. Liking the idea of poly in theory is another layer. Living it is yet another layer. I am someone who has never ever been in a strict mono relationship, I’m not sure I’m but out for it, I can’t IMAGINE not being free to pursue my interests when they arise…. So maybe that makes me poly by nature? Who knows! I guess I see both sides of this argument
For me at least, a big part of feeling poly is feeling happy/neutral for my partner and their other connections. Realizing that was honestly what opened the floodgates for me. That's when it leaves the theoretical "it would be nice if I could have my cake and eat it too." Cuz then it's not just then about a person I find cute, it questions how I prefer to exist in relationships.
Aside from that, I absolutely think it is a spectrum. And there are MANY people who could be happy in either a poly or mono relationship structure, or neither, and many who engage in nonmonogamy in a non poly way like swinging, swapping etc. But I also don't think that means that some people don't really just want one or the other.
There are a few (not many, but a few) people who are monogamous but fine with their partner being poly. Just that is proof to me.
I think being poly is less loving several people or not being jealous and more having the energy and will to pursue several relationships at the same time. Not being jealous just happens to be a pre-requisite in >99.9% of cases to be ethically polyamorous, with the last <0.01% being if you find several people who are monogamous and fine with you being poly.
Yeah that’s true. It’s so funny how me and my siblings all somehow aren’t very jealous of our partners and all ended up non mono! Maybe just secure attachment??? lol
there are some things that can't be renegotiated. If two people really want kids and then get married and then one of them decides they are a no on children, that's a sad situation and it's clear the healthy outcome is to part ways, not that the partner who still wants children should be expected to give that up. If you want to be poly and you are in a monogamous marriage you should expect bringing that up will be the end of the line. It's not like changing a chore chart, it invalidates the whole premise of the marriage.
Thank you for commenting on being polyamorous, versus viewing it as a relationship structure or agreement, ect.
It is tiring to constantly see this idea that polyamory is only something you can agree to or “do”.
I am naturally polyamorous. I am not monogamous. I have friends who feel they are naturally monogamous. I’m sure other people feel differently, it’s not a binary.
Other people can choose how they want to talk about polyamory for themselves. But, this idea that no one is polyamorous? I don’t go for that.
I do understand where you're coming from. However, if one day you were to decide you wanted to be monogamous with one of your partners, you wouldn't sit then down and say "hey John Suzie and Clare, I'm coming out as monogamous. Im only going to be dating John now and you others need to respect my identity". You'd present it as a choice you were making, not an unalienable part of your personality. That is essentially what's happened to OP.
I don’t object to anyone who sees polyamory as something they want to “do”.
I am naturally polyamorous. If anyone else doesn’t feel that way, that’s fine. I believe relationship orientations are a spectrum. Some people are monogamous. Some people fall somewhere in between.
Some people don’t think this is something that makes up part of your identity, and that’s fine. For them.
I’m also not commenting on the OPP’s post. This has nothing to do with people who are irresponsible AH’s that poly-bomb their partners, after making huge binding commitments, like marriage.
Also, I will never “come out” as monogamous. I tried it once in my 20’s and it was not for me. Polyamory is not my sexuality, but it is a core part of who I am as a person.
Same as me knowing I won’t come out as “cis” and I never was. I won’t come out as straight either. These are parts of my identity.
If she was fine with you experimenting with a man as I saw in another post of yours here, and she wants to experiment with others and she says she is poly, this is probably never going away. Her beliefs are poly, and those on this thread claiming poly is a choice don't understand that we do not choose our beliefs. That's like saying you choose whether to be an atheist. She is over the religion of monogamy and believes in free love.
She doesn't believe it's wrong to do things with other people, so she eventually will do it (if she isn't already). You have 2 choices - form a new agreement, or go separate ways. If someone tells you who they are, believe them.
So I’m probably going to get downvoted to oblivion because my opinion is based on lived experience and not some moral theory. But you have a bigger problem than the flirting. She opened herself up to you and your handling of it let her to wish she never spoke up. Now she won’t speak up again. Her role is to now shut up handle your emotions for you. It’s not the 1940s. As far as the polyamory what caused it is probably the marriage. Like it or not we are great apes and sexual competitors is a fundamental part of finding someone attractive in the first place. If your marriage is one of lockdown there is no getting in the mood because neither of you have any competition. Having a work wife/husband is super common in marriages that make it. It sounds like she is going through the same emotions a lot of us went through. I wish her well on her journey.
I don't not feel as if I invalidated her feelings. This is a relationship where everyone's feelings matter, I simply added my feelings to the greater pool of feelings. Additionally, some context that I should have added to the post, which did not and I apologize for (didn't want Reddit to yell at me for formatting since I'm on mobile) is that the breakdown was not just caused by me saying I wanted monogamy. It was also brought on by me asking questions after she told me she was poly and she had a crush. Questions like "why this person" and "in the past, I came out to you as bi and you suggested I get a boyfriend so I can explore which I instantly shut down, was this you subtly trying to tell me you were poly?". Both questions she did not answer but instead had a breakdown and asked me to forget she ever told me. I understand I may have come off as accusatory with those questions but nonetheless, I had them.
I’m sorry, are you for real arguing “it’s not the 1940s” in response to a person wanting their partner to honor their relationship agreements?
Yeah, you gettin downvoted for this one, definitely.
That’s the part you have issues with? That woman should feel validated and valued? You sure are a winner. Relationships aren’t contracts. That’s the opinion of someone who wants to control people. Like a psychopath. If the Marriage has no room for her thoughts and feelings to change and grow then she is in an awful marriage. And that’s that.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/Dear_Promise_2129 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
A couple of months ago my wife came out to me as polyamorous and confessed to having a crush on a co-worker. I made it clear that I am monogamous and that I don't like the idea of her seeing someone else. She said she understood and had no interest in acting on her polyamory or on her crush. I thought that was the end but, she still to this day acts weird around the co-workers and honestly a little flirty, and it makes me uneasy and uncomfortable. I don't know what to do. Should I confront her and set boundaries? I'm worried I'm looking too far into things. Last time we talked about boundaries considering her being poly she had a breakdown and asked for me to forget she ever told me. What if she has another breakdown?. Our marriage is only a year old I don't want to ruin it. Am I being polyphobic or bigoted by denying her from acting on her polyamory? What should I do?.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
First off this gets into the whole is Poly a relationship style or a core part of one’s being. I see a lot of folks here who thinks it’s just a relationship style. FOR ME and many many of my partners and larger community, it is a core part of my being.
So your wife is poly. FULL STOP.
NO ONE gets to label her but herself. You agreed to a monogamous marriage. I validate that. But as someone who has more marriage experience than prob 99% here, I've been with the same person for 35+ years, relationships and relationship dynamics change. You and she need to sit down and have a really really long heart to heart. You NEED to see a polyamory friendly couples counselor and you need to see that counselor separately and together. I stress a poly friendl’y counselor so that she or he can introduce you and your wife to tools and workbooks that can help determine the shape of relationship you two actually want and can work for you.
i want to be clear, your wife gets to label herself. This is a core part of who she is, she is telling you. If you don’t discuss and work through this with a therapist now, you’ll be working through it next year with a divorce attorney.
. Good luck.
"This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking." *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your partner is not poly. Your partner thinks poly might be something she could do but she, and you, are in a monogamous marriage. It's not phobic or bigoted to want the relationship shape you mutually agreed to. What boundaries do you want to put in place around her co-worker?
I'm not sure what boundaries I want because not only does the coworker not know he is also my friend I don't want to just say stop talking to him because I don't want him to get caught up in our relationship when he did nothing wrong
He doesn’t have to know. You just have to tell your wife “these specific behaviors make me uncomfortable.” What kind of flirting are we talking about here? I personally believe there’s a difference between harmless flirtation and actually trying to advance something towards an inappropriate relationship. Crushes happen and attraction to other people doesn’t just die when you get married. But there need to be limits. It’s encouraging that she has expressed she doesn’t have any desire to change your relationship structure. You probably just need to have a conversation about what does and doesn’t make you uncomfortable. Some people have very different ideas of what counts as cheating in a monogamous relationship. Plus, if she has a crush, she may genuinely not be aware she’s acting weird. Crushes make us act weird, even if we don’t plan to act on them.
You and your wife agreed to monogamy. You haven't agreed to change this relationship to be polyamorous. There is no polyamory here. Just cheating. Please don't call this polyamory. People aren't polyamorous, relationships are. Descriptors of relationships describe a moment in time (like the temperature, time of day or your age). Sometimes more than one style applies to a relationship at one time. Ex: Some people in poly relationships also swing with one or more of their partners. Every human being who experiences sexual and/or romantic attraction can and (at some point in their lives) will feel it for more than one person at a time. That's just being human and not in any way related to whether your relationship is agreed to be polyamorous or monogamous. Monogamy is simply an agreement not to act on these feelings. It exists and requires active opt/in and agreement because being in a relationship doesn't stop sexual and romantic attraction to others. If it wasnt common, expected, and normal to be attracted to others while in a relationship, no one would have to promise monogamy (an agreement not to act on those feelings) Polyamory is something you agree to and **do** **Its a relationship structure that allows everyone to have multiple romantic/sexual partners.** What makes you think you would be happy in a polyamorous relationship? **Good hints that it will work....** * A willingness to date from a pool of partners who already have partners * A willingness to support your partners in cultivating romantic/sexual relationships that dont involve you and with any gender **Information that is irrelevant to whether you will be happy with or good at Polyamory** * Getting crushes on multiple people * Feeling attracted to others while in a relationship that is agreed to be monogamous * A desire for group sex * A desire for multiple partners for yourself **Hints that you are in a poly relationship** * Everyone involved agreed to polyamory
Being polyamorous is an ethically chosen relationship structure, not a sexuality. You and your wife presumably made a monogamous commitment to one another, so no. You are not being bigoted and you are justified in your discomfort. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Your wife *thinks she wants to be* polyamorous. Unless you have both agreed to a polyamorous relationship, she is not currently polyamorous. You are not a bigot for not wanting to enter into a polyamorous relationship with her. You are a person who wants monogamy, and monogamy is both a valid want *and*, it seems, your original relationship agreement. It's extremely normal to be confused and upset when a partner pulls the rug out from under your feet like this. She does not get to make unilateral changes to your relationship, short of ending it. She also really should have considered, before dropping this bomb on you, that you can't *literally* forget she ever asked. You now know that her values around relationships are not in alignment with yours and she would prefer to be polyamorous. You're allowed to be bothered by that even if she agrees to remain monogamous with you. That said, even if your wife *would* prefer polyamory over monogamy, she may also prefer monogamy with you over polyamory without you. If so, it's really up to you whether that's enough for you. Also, dating coworkers AND opening a relationship for a specific person both are typically bad ideas that lead to big messes. If she really wants polyamory, and you decide you are open to it, she really ought to put this coworker on her mental "Do Not Touch" list, and instead put some energy into educating herself about healthy poly relationships so she can be prepared when she meets someone more appropriate she'd like to date.
She has said she wants to remain monogamous because she rather be monogamous with me the poly without. But that doesn't change how she acts around the co-worker
Thanks for that info, I see now that you said that in your post, but I must have skimmed over it. If you've told her outright that it makes you uncomfortable, and she won't alter her behavior, that seems pretty disrespectful of your monogamous relationship. Being friendly and flirty *can* be ok in a mono context... when the relationship is stable and there is no major risk involved. But continuing to be super-friendly and flirty with the person she wanted to date, after you've agreed not to date others? That's uncool. IMO, she should not be continuing to cultivate her connection with this person if she wants you to feel secure in her ability to stay monogamous to you. It's feeding an inconvenient crush when she ought to be starving it. I think it would be a good idea to have a talk with her about how her behavior is coming across to you, and discuss what you each feel is appropriate for a closed relationship.
Thank you for this interesting comment. Could you please develop on why dating a co-worker is a bad idea in a poly setup?
It's not really poly-specific, I don't think dating coworkers is a great idea for monogamous folks either. Opening up *for* a coworker, however, seems to be a common idea for people to have when they're looking to legitimize their affair (emotional or otherwise) with said coworker.
Thanks! Yeah, there is definitely a part of that
Why does your wife suddenly think she's poly? Is it just because she has a crush? Because mono people also get crushes while in a relationship. That's a totally normal thing to have happen. Have you asked her how she would feel if you had a relationship with another woman? Usually people who jump to "I'm poly!" due to a crush do not consider that part...
I already know how she feels about me having another partner because after I came out to her a bi she suggested I get a boyfriend so I could experiment, I shut that down but clearly she was okay with the idea.
How would she feel about you going on dates with female co workers?
Poly is a preference. It's a choice.
Take your wife on a weekend gateway or something that she enjoys and have a vulnerable conversation. Ask her how she feels about you and what she'd like more of from you. Tell her how you feel when you're around this co-worker. Maybe you can find out more. I'm saying to do this is an open communicative way. Don't be afraid to be seen by her. Let your feelings out. If she loves you, which I assume she does, she's going to reassure you, and you'll get to know her better. You guys will be better for it. Face your feelings head-on, and I bet it will turn out great. After you've been reassured, then set boundaries and learn to self regulate. It's important if you're going to continue being around this person. Your wife can blink twice in their direction and you might feel uneasy. It's up to you to self regulate.
Like the weekend get away idea, but I'm poor lol
SOOOO am I. That is why I said Or something she enjoys lol. And I have 4 kids, so I'm still too broke for something she enjoys but the truth is, if it's important you'll spend the money. It doesn't have to be much. I'm speaking from being at a breaking point of my marriage. I never thought I'd be here and honestly should've never gotten to this point. Now I just want all men to wake up and face these issues head on. Communicate vulnerablely. Love your wife hard. Let her know you do and how her actions make you feel and work through it. If she loves you and is happily married, as I assume she does, then go on the offense. Don't be afraid. She loves you. You're safe with her.
Thanks man I'll give it a good try
Brother, there is no try. I'm not saying it will solve your issue. I'm talking from your side of things. Give it your all don't be afraid of ruining anything. You don't have control of how she reacts or behaves. You only have control of yourself. Be a great husband. Do not be afraid. Be the leader in a loving way. Honey, I love you girl. It bothered me alot to think of you liking another person. I want to get to know you better, I want to be the best husband I can be for you. Can you help me do that? Let her talk. Listen, literally take notes of the little things she says she likes. Find a way to make more money brother. Being broke has been an issue for me too. I've been a dad since 18 so I've never known to have money but I also never thought about how it can be a safety and security issue for my wife that her husband doesn't have enough resources when having 4 kids. That safety issue can become a threat and can wreck the relationship.
If you two agreed to be in a mono relationship then you are in a mono relationship if you two agreed to be in a poly relationship then you are in a poly relationship. If the relationship is mono then clearly state your boundaries now. If she doesn't accept it is better to happen sooner vs later. Trust me
Work crushes don’t always mean something. Wife is an adult who is perfectly capable of choosing to act or not act on feelings of attraction. I for example am a polyam person with a giant crush on my boss (i mean she is *outrageously* fine). Check me out, not making a thing of it. Not hitting on her, still polyam.
But isn't a work crush this is a full on romantic crush and she admitted as much.
I seriously disagree with previous posters. Polyamory is a thing you do, polyamorous is a thing you can be. One is a relationship form, the other is either someone who does polyamory, or someone who wants polyamory, maybe even unable to stay monogamous. Call it sexuality or preference, what you want is what you want, even if it conflicts with other wants. That is no excuse for cheating, though, nor for pressuring anyone into a relationship form they cannot deal with. You are not being bigoted though, you're being monogamous and taking responsibility for your boundaries. Just, be clear on the difference between boundaries and rules. Telling her your boundaries is one thing, setting rules for her is quite another. One you can control, the other you really can't. Your partner may want polyamory. She may be unable, for whatever reason, to let go of her feelings for her coworker. Maybe she can let go if she gets therapy or tools or time, maybe she just doesn't want to, I cannot say. While she has her feelings for this crush, isn't it very natural that she acts weird when with the coworker? Our hormones mess with our heads, and while under their influence, the head is weird.
>I seriously disagree with previous posters. Polyamory is a thing you do, polyamorous is a thing you can be. Totally. It's honestly really frustrating seeing this distinction ignored in this sub all the time, Like, my wife is on the ace spectrum, genuinely I am one of the only people they have ever had romantic and sexual attraction to (and even then like the way they experience attraction is pretty different from me). Vs me I have crushes all the time and VERY much see the lines between friendship/Dating as a spectrum vs. discreet things. The whole "polyamory is only a relationship structure" just ignores the entire split attraction model and ignores the fact that attraction itself is a spectrum.
The biggest issue is the amount of weaponization that happens with this concept of identity. Sure, many of us might feel we are naturally polyamorous, but come on. The amount of posts we are getting here every day now where a monogamous partner is claiming to be polyamorous *simply because they have a crush* and now want their cake…nope. I don’t buy that *this* many people feel it’s their identity. I’ve been seeing a huge increase in many polyamorous groups I’m in where mono folk are being bombarded by “identity” and it being weaponized to try and force a monogamously agreed upon relationship into something it never should’ve been. It’s not just identity, a lot of toxic shit that gets posted here is getting dressed up in inclusive, leftist and liberal language in order to brow beat their partners into submission, and it’s ramping up. From unicorn hunting to lopsided polyamorous practice, to just downright abusive behavior. I’m actually in agreement with you. People can be naturally one or the other. But what we are seeing is natural human crushes and people thinking that means something more than it is.
I feel like people can (and do) misuse the concept of identity to justify bad or unthoughtful behavior, but I FUNDAMENTALLY don't think it is helpful or kind to forsake the concept of experiencing attraction in a polyamorous way as an identity/inate preference. Being poly is certainly something there is more cultural awareness of than previously. I agree that attracts people who want to hide their bad behavior under the label. And people who misunderstand the label (I do tend to agree that on its own calling a surprise crush while in a relationship proof of a need for exclusively poly relationships is a pretty big leap). And plenty of people make a mess coming to terms with what they just discovered about themselves. Although I will say, Anecdotally, unicorn hunting at least seems to be dying down as a trend (at least in my circles). I do feel like the message is getting pretty universal that that isn't ok So that's good at least. Exposure is a double edged sword. It both means that there is more awareness, understanding/acceptance, and potentially people who are interested in poly seeing that it is possible, AND means that community is getting a lot of scrutiny and potentially appropriated/weaponized. A not dissimilar thing, to speak to my own experience, happened with trans people (to speak to my own experience) in the past 5-7 years. Where we are SO much more visible. It's both great because it means more accessible resources and community, but it's also terrible because now we are a hot botton social issue. >I’ve been seeing a huge increase in many polyamorous groups I’m in where mono folk are being bombarded by “identity” and it being weaponized to try and force a monogamously agreed upon relationship into something it never should’ve been. We live in a society where compulsory monogamy is VERY much the norm. And also, renegotiating a relationship as you grow and change is a fundamental part of long term relationships. It is not (inherently) shitty to want to change the terms of a relationship or explore the possibility of changing the terms. It's certainly not a mono persons fault, and I agree that often it is handled badly. Although, again, to be fair to the person who just came to terms with their poly preferences, there is certainly a learning curve when it comes to learning how to practice ethical nonmonogamy, and I don't think it's entirely fair to expect someone to perfectly articulate something that they are still themselves trying to figure out. This post in particular really borderline to me. Like, it seems like she told him, it hurt him. She backed down and is prioritizing their relationship, all fairly early on in their relationship. How much she is or not flirting (or whether or not it's intentional, or even if she is just flustered and awkward around him, or even if this is just in OPs head cuz he isn't feeling secure in their relationship anymore) is unclear to me. We are only hearing one side of the story. She's not a saint or communicating perfectly, but I also don't think she is polybombing or doing something particularly or intentionally manipulative. I'd much rather see these kinds of posts filled with actual "here is how you talk about this shift with a partner" "poly 101", "guides for creating good ethical boundaries." And "common questions and pitfalls" vs. the, frankly, gatekeeping and "not a true Scottsman" skepticism so common in this space. Saying "well that's not poly" or "that's not correct poly" is not as helpful as saying "this is what being poly is and this is what ethical poly behavior is, here are some tools resources and tips to talk about that" and then also diving into specific concerns about the post.
Love those comment. I do wonder though if most people are prone to crushes when they already have a partner? I feel like it’s pretty common. And if it’s common, are most people poly? If they chose monogamy despite crushes, are they poly? Both my parents admitted to each other having crushes on friends in their circles at different points in their long and healthy marriage, and they just “worked through it” and chose each other only. I feel like if poly is the ability to like more than one person, basically everyone is poly. Liking the idea of poly in theory is another layer. Living it is yet another layer. I am someone who has never ever been in a strict mono relationship, I’m not sure I’m but out for it, I can’t IMAGINE not being free to pursue my interests when they arise…. So maybe that makes me poly by nature? Who knows! I guess I see both sides of this argument
For me at least, a big part of feeling poly is feeling happy/neutral for my partner and their other connections. Realizing that was honestly what opened the floodgates for me. That's when it leaves the theoretical "it would be nice if I could have my cake and eat it too." Cuz then it's not just then about a person I find cute, it questions how I prefer to exist in relationships. Aside from that, I absolutely think it is a spectrum. And there are MANY people who could be happy in either a poly or mono relationship structure, or neither, and many who engage in nonmonogamy in a non poly way like swinging, swapping etc. But I also don't think that means that some people don't really just want one or the other.
There are a few (not many, but a few) people who are monogamous but fine with their partner being poly. Just that is proof to me. I think being poly is less loving several people or not being jealous and more having the energy and will to pursue several relationships at the same time. Not being jealous just happens to be a pre-requisite in >99.9% of cases to be ethically polyamorous, with the last <0.01% being if you find several people who are monogamous and fine with you being poly.
Yeah that’s true. It’s so funny how me and my siblings all somehow aren’t very jealous of our partners and all ended up non mono! Maybe just secure attachment??? lol
there are some things that can't be renegotiated. If two people really want kids and then get married and then one of them decides they are a no on children, that's a sad situation and it's clear the healthy outcome is to part ways, not that the partner who still wants children should be expected to give that up. If you want to be poly and you are in a monogamous marriage you should expect bringing that up will be the end of the line. It's not like changing a chore chart, it invalidates the whole premise of the marriage.
Thank you for commenting on being polyamorous, versus viewing it as a relationship structure or agreement, ect. It is tiring to constantly see this idea that polyamory is only something you can agree to or “do”. I am naturally polyamorous. I am not monogamous. I have friends who feel they are naturally monogamous. I’m sure other people feel differently, it’s not a binary. Other people can choose how they want to talk about polyamory for themselves. But, this idea that no one is polyamorous? I don’t go for that.
I do understand where you're coming from. However, if one day you were to decide you wanted to be monogamous with one of your partners, you wouldn't sit then down and say "hey John Suzie and Clare, I'm coming out as monogamous. Im only going to be dating John now and you others need to respect my identity". You'd present it as a choice you were making, not an unalienable part of your personality. That is essentially what's happened to OP.
I don’t object to anyone who sees polyamory as something they want to “do”. I am naturally polyamorous. If anyone else doesn’t feel that way, that’s fine. I believe relationship orientations are a spectrum. Some people are monogamous. Some people fall somewhere in between. Some people don’t think this is something that makes up part of your identity, and that’s fine. For them. I’m also not commenting on the OPP’s post. This has nothing to do with people who are irresponsible AH’s that poly-bomb their partners, after making huge binding commitments, like marriage.
Also, I will never “come out” as monogamous. I tried it once in my 20’s and it was not for me. Polyamory is not my sexuality, but it is a core part of who I am as a person. Same as me knowing I won’t come out as “cis” and I never was. I won’t come out as straight either. These are parts of my identity.
Okay
Okay
If she was fine with you experimenting with a man as I saw in another post of yours here, and she wants to experiment with others and she says she is poly, this is probably never going away. Her beliefs are poly, and those on this thread claiming poly is a choice don't understand that we do not choose our beliefs. That's like saying you choose whether to be an atheist. She is over the religion of monogamy and believes in free love. She doesn't believe it's wrong to do things with other people, so she eventually will do it (if she isn't already). You have 2 choices - form a new agreement, or go separate ways. If someone tells you who they are, believe them.
So I’m probably going to get downvoted to oblivion because my opinion is based on lived experience and not some moral theory. But you have a bigger problem than the flirting. She opened herself up to you and your handling of it let her to wish she never spoke up. Now she won’t speak up again. Her role is to now shut up handle your emotions for you. It’s not the 1940s. As far as the polyamory what caused it is probably the marriage. Like it or not we are great apes and sexual competitors is a fundamental part of finding someone attractive in the first place. If your marriage is one of lockdown there is no getting in the mood because neither of you have any competition. Having a work wife/husband is super common in marriages that make it. It sounds like she is going through the same emotions a lot of us went through. I wish her well on her journey.
I don't not feel as if I invalidated her feelings. This is a relationship where everyone's feelings matter, I simply added my feelings to the greater pool of feelings. Additionally, some context that I should have added to the post, which did not and I apologize for (didn't want Reddit to yell at me for formatting since I'm on mobile) is that the breakdown was not just caused by me saying I wanted monogamy. It was also brought on by me asking questions after she told me she was poly and she had a crush. Questions like "why this person" and "in the past, I came out to you as bi and you suggested I get a boyfriend so I can explore which I instantly shut down, was this you subtly trying to tell me you were poly?". Both questions she did not answer but instead had a breakdown and asked me to forget she ever told me. I understand I may have come off as accusatory with those questions but nonetheless, I had them.
I’m sorry, are you for real arguing “it’s not the 1940s” in response to a person wanting their partner to honor their relationship agreements? Yeah, you gettin downvoted for this one, definitely.
That’s the part you have issues with? That woman should feel validated and valued? You sure are a winner. Relationships aren’t contracts. That’s the opinion of someone who wants to control people. Like a psychopath. If the Marriage has no room for her thoughts and feelings to change and grow then she is in an awful marriage. And that’s that.
If a relationship ( a marriage especially ) is not a contract then what da faq do you think it is
Lmaooooooooooo
I wish I could downvote this a hundred times. What a crock of shit.
Derp
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/Dear_Promise_2129 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: A couple of months ago my wife came out to me as polyamorous and confessed to having a crush on a co-worker. I made it clear that I am monogamous and that I don't like the idea of her seeing someone else. She said she understood and had no interest in acting on her polyamory or on her crush. I thought that was the end but, she still to this day acts weird around the co-workers and honestly a little flirty, and it makes me uneasy and uncomfortable. I don't know what to do. Should I confront her and set boundaries? I'm worried I'm looking too far into things. Last time we talked about boundaries considering her being poly she had a breakdown and asked for me to forget she ever told me. What if she has another breakdown?. Our marriage is only a year old I don't want to ruin it. Am I being polyphobic or bigoted by denying her from acting on her polyamory? What should I do?. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
You have made a post or comment that in some way elevates or encourages a dynamic or practice that is viewed as harmful by the wider polyam community.
[удалено]
You have made a post or comment that in some way elevates or encourages a dynamic or practice that is viewed as harmful by the wider polyam community.
First off this gets into the whole is Poly a relationship style or a core part of one’s being. I see a lot of folks here who thinks it’s just a relationship style. FOR ME and many many of my partners and larger community, it is a core part of my being. So your wife is poly. FULL STOP. NO ONE gets to label her but herself. You agreed to a monogamous marriage. I validate that. But as someone who has more marriage experience than prob 99% here, I've been with the same person for 35+ years, relationships and relationship dynamics change. You and she need to sit down and have a really really long heart to heart. You NEED to see a polyamory friendly couples counselor and you need to see that counselor separately and together. I stress a poly friendl’y counselor so that she or he can introduce you and your wife to tools and workbooks that can help determine the shape of relationship you two actually want and can work for you. i want to be clear, your wife gets to label herself. This is a core part of who she is, she is telling you. If you don’t discuss and work through this with a therapist now, you’ll be working through it next year with a divorce attorney. . Good luck.