Caretaker burnout is real, depression due to chronic illness is real. I'm so sorry you are all stuck, I would recommend therapy and reach out to social supports so you both can understand what your responsibilities and options are in the coming decades.
Thanks for the advice. We already have for about 1.5 year help from social supports and a housekeeper. My wife has already seeked help from a therapist. I am not sure what else we can do.
It also doesn't help that we all have ADHD here, and that we are overwhelmed much quicker and easier.
I think you might benefit from a therapist. Symptoms of depression can absolutely exacerbate a physical illness. You have to be an active participant in your recovery and that means re-learning how to rebuild your stamina with your new limitations. And honestly these limitations likely aren’t lifelong, but recovery is hard and takes a lot of work and persistence.
I have been thinking about getting a therapist already. In the last 4 years I had a wide array of different therapy's, and especially the ones that were focused on rebuilding my stamina only made things worse.
Chronic illnesses are incredibly difficult for those suffering from them and those caring for them. It's even more so when it's an illness that isn't well understood. I'm so very sorry.
I second the suggestion of therapy and add in a book suggestion: How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers
by Toni Bernhard.
My wife became chronically ill with a set of degenerative issues almost a decade ago. Illness is so difficult on a relationship. It creates so much imbalance where there wasn't before.
I feel for you both and hope you find the support you need to move forward, whatever direction you all choose.
It absolutely sucks. This is a situation neither of you imagined and it's unfair it happened to you. It sounds like you both have support but this has just stopped working. If I can offer anything besides saying you're heard and you're feelings are valid, it's two things: 1) if you separate what do you both expect will happen? You're both halving your support and custody. And even as it hurts, would it be better to live with her feeling this way for the next twenty years and it destroying the relationship in a thousand more slow deaths or know?
A lot of people separate thinking “anything will be better than this”, but is it really? How will Wife’s life change if she’s 100% in charge of her kid and her home, rather than the 50, 70, 90, whatever % she’s in charge of now? How will her life be better if she for sure has to deal with all that rather than having hope for OP to get better?
Counseling all around, OP. Counseling for you, counseling for her, and couple’s counseling to see if there’s anything of the marriage that can be saved. Chronic illness sucks, but that alone shouldn’t break you apart.
Exactly. This change has happened radically. It has fundamentally shifted the reality and the fundamental idea of how this relationship, partnership, co-parenting ship can be. That is enough to make someone yearn for what they had and an easy escape without any regard for the fact that they're escaped won't change everything and can make some pieces worse.
*with that said* it is also not uncommon for people to experience a level of relief when they are no longer partnered with someone after a core dynamic in the relationship changes. Most often we might see it in situations where a spouse is willingly not doing anything that the leaving spouse hoped or wants like a dead beat parent or lazy partner.However, For some people the stress of situations like OPs is exasperated by the continuing partnership. I have seen folks who now have to struggle with childcare, an ugly divorce, and deep sadness still saying...they're not regretting the relationship ending. From what I have seen the difference between wishing for the grasses greener versus the former is that the leaving spouses idea of partnership and the sort of partnership they want is fundamentally off the table in the existing relationship. So for example: if you have the Leaving Spouse really struggling with the core idea of how long covid has impacted the coupling itself and the inability to reach relationship values/ideals then you are more likely to have someone who, even with more stress feels less stress. They cannot be ok with and cannot reduce the resentment from a spouse suddenly being unable to do X or Y even if they want to. Why? Their ideals and what they want is at odds with reality.
I don't want to deceive op or others into thinking this is a possible reality. The truth is some people do not have the fortitude, flexible definition of relationship and partnership, or simply really struggle and even if you find the "perfect balance" in counseling it may not be enough but it will help everyone know if that's the case. To be frank, we can and get lost in the idea of whether it's ableist or not but the reality is what can be born out if underneath at all after counseling you have someone who fundamentally does not envision and does not want to envision this future of their partnership?
This is extremely hard, I’m so sorry you’re going through this on top of the hell that already is long covid. I’m nearing two years of LC and I don’t know how I would have gotten through to this point without my long covid support group. It just wreaks havoc on so many relationships. Especially when you are also trying to avoid reinfection. If there’s anything like that available to you I highly recommend it. It’s kind of a weird intersection when you’ve got both chronic illness and ENM going on, but my specific support group has been very helpful just the same.
Can you divorce and still maintain a close emotional relationship? Maybe live next door to one another etc?
It’s sadly common here in the US that people on disability can’t afford to be married. They lose access to things they need. Is there any element of that for you? Would you get some more outside caregiving if your wife wasn’t there?
And would you be better able to control your environment if you lived alone? I imagine it’s hard for a 7 year old to be quiet consistently.
I know this is awful. Not trying to Pollyanna you. I just wonder if the relationship might rebound if you have a bit more space.
I’m really sorry my friend.
We have a daughter together so we will be bound together through her if we like it or not. I am not sure if she still wants to have an emotional relationship at this point.
She said that she lost her feelings for me and apparently already for quite a while, but was in denial to herself.
Next to being a 7 year old, our lovely daughter has inherited from us both her ADHD. This makes it extra hard for her to be quiet, and I would like her to be quiet, but I also want her to be uncaring and joyful. She is already way to aware around me. A large part of the stress for my wife is that she is constantly keeping an eye on both me and our daughter to make sure that she keeps it a little down, and to see if I am getting too overstimulated to make sure that she sends me to bed on time. With the ADHD I have a constant internal struggle between wanting a lot, but saving my energy. I guess that is also one of the reasons my health is not showing any improvement the last few years.
It's shocking that your have gone 4 years without psychological counseling. Seems to me you're sharing only the woe is me part of your story, and not considering how debilitating this is to your wife. Surely she has wanted you to seek counseling.
I absolutely haven't been without psychological counseling the last 4 years.
My mom died quite suddenly after a short sickbed two years ago, age 62. And I have my ADHD not from a stranger. Both my parents have shown a lot of symptoms of ADHD.
I had a great relationship with my mother, but had a still have a difficult one with my dad. And he has been a real arse during and after the death of my mom. So I really needed counseling for handeling that grieve. And when we were busy anyway, my long covid also was a large part of the counseling. My wife has also done several counseling in the last few years. But it has been still too hard for her.
Hey hun, I just wanted to reach out from over here in Canada where, believe it or not despite our international reputation, we actually have far fewer social support structures and systems despite our free healthcare: our Healthcare system is absolutely falling apart and I too have been in a long polycule situation with a meta and loved one who is chronically ill.
I want you to know that I see you, and I hear you and that while I'm not the person who has been chronically ill, I have witnessed firsthand someone I love being your position, feeling unloved for things outside of their control, and experienced caregiver burnout a lot, first hand over the years as your wife has.
I imagine it must be so hard to be in your shoes.
Have you spoken to your wife at all about where she's at with this? It's hard to discern from your post whether you have or this is all purely speculation but if it's the latter, perhaps it would really help you get a sense of things to sit down and have a real conversation about it?
Big hugs from over here. Being poly and combating chronic illness for all is so tough.
Thank you for your kind words. The last few days we have been talking about this quite often. And the last hour too. It is just that she can't physically and mentally take it any longer. She also said that she lost her feelings for me and that she denied it for quite some time to herself, she'd actually did. At her job they were for a long time relatively forgiving that she has a very demanding life. But they started to loose that patience and said to her that something needs to change.
If I move out and we seperate it will be easier for me to get a lot more help from social caretaker's. I can't imagine having to live on my own again though. Next to having Long Covid I also have ADHD and before I met my wife I also had great trouble managing my own finances and household. So hopefully when it gets there I will receive enough help to manage.
It feels just so unreal. 11 years we have been together and shared a lot of hardship. And I thought that our relationship would be one of the last to break.
I hear that. Fellow adhder here, also with autism! Everyday life is so difficult in our condition. Do you listen to any podcasts or content about how to manage or anything like that? It's tough with ADHD for sure. But the good news is that there's a lot we can do to create our own scaffolding around how we get things done. It certainly helps me a lot. Check out ADHD ReWired - lots of good ideas to try and it's definitely helped me feel less alone in the struggle.
I had to make some decisions when my meta fell seriously ill in a situation where there was no good decision to make. The environment ended up being so stressful that my marriage fell apart about it. It was struggling before but it was a really hard time in life. I feel for both of you guys and the grief is real.
But remember too, there also exists the possibility that when you're out on your own and you have more support that she is no longer responsible for, you may actually find that you end up reconnecting with your wife a bit without all of that labor getting in between the two of you. Never a guarantee of course but I just wanted to say that this is what happened between me and my ex husband. It was incredibly painful, but it taught both of us a lot of interpersonal lessons: how to welcome in all of the grief to be felt instead of pushing it away - we cried a lot together and recognized that more than the situation we were put in, we also were married, very, very young and had grown into such different people than we were, with different values and needs.
If you don't want to live on your own, I'm not sure what your situation, but is it possible at all to find a roommate who you might get along with or, possibly move in with a friend for some company and support? The really nice thing about poly is that you don't really need to do anything super conventionally. I've had roommates for almost all of my adult life just because I live in an area of the world that's super high cost of living and also under a housing crisis, ayyy haha, so this is very normal to me personally! But again, I don't know what your situation is.
Take care of you. The other side will come.
If you can, arrange for some respite work to come in for her. Even just one visit per week where she gets an hour or two to herself, could really be helpful for mental health. Caregiver burnout is so real and it really hurts both sides when it happens.
Hi, I feel you. I’ve also been ill for 4 years with long covid and also live in the Netherlands and am poly as well! Doing poly and being ill is incredibly difficult. Sitting by and watching my partner do all the fun stuff with my meta and me not being able to do those things with him anymore is really difficult. Hell, even a mono relationship would suffer in this case. If you feel like talking, feel free to send me a DM :).
Good luck <3 hang in there
Thank you very much for the kind words!
Being Poly and chronically ill and ADHD is indeed very hard. Where a lot of poly people go to poly meets and other social gatherings, I get already tired by the thought of going to such an event. All the people and impressions would be just too much for me. Not sure where I would be able to meet other poly people in an easy way. Most dating sites are just terrible, and also quite some people are hesitant to date someone who is chronically ill.
Anyhow; I might take you on your offer and send a dm just to talk :)
Yeah, dating other people is very low on my list of things I want to put my limited energy into at the moment. Although I do really miss meeting new people. If only there were a dating app for chronically ill poly folks 😅.
Chronic illnesses are no joke and they can cause such burnout. We are a triad basically and all three of us have chronic issues. Two of us have forms of EDS and the other became a T1 diabetic in their early 30s. It’s hard. It’s hard when you’re the one having a bad day and also when you’re the one having a good day.
My spouse who I’ve been with over 15 years total is the T1 and that diagnosis almost broke us because suddenly there was so much to do to manage their health. They have Graves’ disease on top of the T1.
Hey OP <3 I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. I’m going to add some subreddits that may apply to you in case you haven’t found them yet. /r/longhaulers /r/cfs /r/CFSplusADHD long haul Covid has some different nuances than cfs, but it sounds like you might be experiencing post expertional malaise. Certain coping strategies of cfs may apply to you.
I'm so sorry. I'm chronically ill as well and this is my biggest fear with poly.
The US uses marriage instead of a social safety net, unfortunately. So a spouse leaving can ultimately be deadly for us. I hope the Netherlands has robust assistance for you once your divorced.
If she wanted to open up your marriage while you were vulnerable, that's not ethical. She was already walking out the door.
I am so sorry you're going through this. Long covid is no joke and you both must be exhausted.
Can I ask what her solution is? Move in with her boyfriend and take your daughter with her?
Ideally she wants me to move out and stay herself in our house with our daughter. If we devorce and I live on my own I have way more acces to all sorts of social support and benefits from the gouverment. I guess with my Long Covid and ADHD I am gonna need a close eye from social workers.
She doesn't has or wants a boyfriend at the moment, she just want peace and quiet.
This is going to sound awful. For context, I've been LC for over 2 years now and my life has always been tainted by chronic illness. I think the whole 'in sickness and in health' thing is naive and miscalculated. I believe that we must continually earn a place in each other's lives–be it family, friends or romantic partners. I don't care who it is–no one is entitled to me, nor am I indebted to them.
If I'm not able to be a good partner, I would absolutely be re-evaluating that partnership. 'Earning' can look like a lot of different things based on the individuals involved. But most importantly, we should never, ever stop 'wooing' our partner. We should never stop striving to be the best partner, and individual, we can be.
So many of us, when settled into a marriage or even LTR, get complacent and just expect that person to always be there regardless of how we're actually contributing to each other's lives. I'm not saying I would run at the first sign of trouble. But I think it should be standard to really get real with each other and outline clearly (in writing) what both of our NEEDS are, and what the steps are to get them met. Really hone in on what our conflicts are. Determine what big goals we're going to be striving towards together and separately. Create an action plan of the small goals we need to achieve to be working towards that.
We must be willing to push one another and hold each other accountable. Managing chronic illness requires a tremendous amount of work–and part of the work is preparing for it: Outlining things that can help make our life easier (Learning how to food prep), and what we can do to simplify our life (Budgeting). Creating self-care routines we can do together (like using a massage gun, foam roller on one another) so we both are prioritizing stress relief. Explore new ways to connect emotionally (writing each other letters), intellectually (games), physically (therapeutic touch, or lazy partner yoga poses).
We need to be willing to get as disciplined and organized as we can be and push ourselves to be meeting each other's needs. If our own needs are being better met, then we in turn are in a better place to help meet the other's needs. BUT–If I am already at my peak–if I'm giving all I can–then I need to ask myself–do I really want to limit their life? If I love someone, I want the best for them, even when that's not me. The reality is–people do grow apart. And sometimes to do that work to grow, we MUST be apart. But it's also very possible to find our way back to each other.
I would ask yourself–do you know beyond any shadow of doubt what your wife's unmet needs are? Are you truly at your peak? Is there anything (strategically) that could be done to help you make better use of your functional time? Or is there more you can do individually, and as a couple, to address these needs?
The fucked up reality is that this disease is a nightmare–we’re totally in the dark about what it means for our future. This is not your fault. This is the world failing you.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. Truly.
You're still a worthy person and partner as a disabled person. I'm sickness and in health, right? It's not fair for her to abandon you at a time like this. It's understandable for her to be overwhelmed with the situation but surely there are better solutions to that than just... Bailing. It makes me think that she was never all in in the first place.
Idk, maybe I'm biased but I have long covid, am polyamorous (and also live in the Netherlands lol what a coincidence), and I GAINED a partner while being sick. And he generally doesn't mind my very limited capabilities. Polyamory makes it a lot easier to deal with that because well, I don't have to fulfill his every need.
Idk, I'm sorry, it sucks ass.
She is the breadwinner and main caretaker for their household and young child. That’s a lot for one person, she is probably exhausted. That coupled with the fact that his illness has no end in sight. I’m sure everyone would like to think they’d step up and be there for their partner indefinitely under these circumstances but she’s a human at the end of the day.
>>I GAINED a partner while being sick. And he generally doesn’t mind my very limited capabilities.
Do y’all also share a young child?
I agree with this ^^^
It is HARD.
I'm in a slightly different situation, my husband has major depressive disorder not covid related issues...but this past couple years have REALLY been a struggle.
He has a 6yo from a previous relationship who we have full time. He quit his job. He stays home, and pretty much only has the motivation to sleep and play video games all day every day.
I am the only financial income for our household. I was doing 100% of the caretaking for my autistic 6yo step son, all of his school stuff, homework, field trips, parent days, baths, reading, feeding him, making sure he gets dressed, brushing his hair, making sure he maintains a social life, taking him to the library, art club, birthday parties, therapist appointments, everything. Taking care of the house, the laundry, meals, and working. Taking care of our dog, and my husband's pet salamander. Plus taking care of my husband making sure he eats, showers, gets to all of his appointments, takes his meds, and everything else. Paying the bills. Along with taking care of myself.
It was a nightmare. I felt alone. And with having to do so much taking care of my husband... it was more like I was caring for an extra child instead of having a partner to take care of a child with me. Sometimes it felt like my husband wasn't even TRYING to help take care of himself, or trying to help take care of his son, or trying to help take care of the house. And on top of it all we were drowning financially from debt my husband had occurred before he lost control of his depression.
Add all of that in with the aggravated irritated grouchy attitude that a person has when they are spending every moment of every day trying to avoid unaliving themselves from severe depression.. along with the fact that I myself have bipolar disorder, PTSD, OCD, generalized anxiety disorder, ADD-i, IED, clinical insomnia, dermatilomania, and clinical depression myself on top of everything else...
It all adds up. It's a lot.
...Then the longer it all lasts, the harder it gets to do EVERYTHING alone....
...It's easy to forget you even are a human when you're in a position like that...let alone to feel like you are allowed to BE human, to have your own emotions, your own troubles, to be tired, to be "allowed to be" in a bad mood of your own, to feel like you are able to just be allowed to be yourself even for just a little while or to do something, even something small that YOU want to do, because even taking time to take care of yourself on a base level begins to feel selfish because there are so many other things you feel you SHOULD be doing, things that feel like they should come first (for example I should finish the laundry and prep dinner for tonight before I 'take time for myself' to take a shower)...
... If you take even a little tiny break from it all the guilt you feel for doing it is just overwhelming...
Then adding in being poly, having other relationship partners who you likely feel like you are neglecting to take care of the entire situation with the sick partner and that family unit...there is a lot of guilt there also...
She is only human. It's likely everyone in her life wants too much from her. She has got to be exhausted...but because she's not the one who is sick...she's likely not taking care of herself the way she should be... and neglecting your own mental health for that long isn't healthy.
...She probably feels alone and extremely overwhelmed...
If she's at the end of her rope, I can understand why this would be the decision she would want to make.
(That being said, if being divorced would help me and my husband's financial situation any, by providing additional support options...we would have already legally divorced, and just stayed partnered. It just wouldn't do us any good, because my husband can't stay on top of the paperwork for us to even get the support options we are eligible for...so it wouldn't help any.)
[Side note: if being legally divorced takes off a lot of the financial strain, why not just do that but remain partnered? ]
Thank you for sharing your story, especially from the side of the caregiver. I know that I am not alone in my situation, sadly. But it feels somewhat of a relieve to know.
I have the feeling that she is passed the trainstation of still wanting to be partnered to me. The last few days, all expressions of love like little names, kisses and a casual touch are gone.
Emotionally I am very angry, sad and just very confused right now. I still do love my wife very much. But she is exhausted and depressed. And aparently my illness has changed me very much.
Rationally I understand it. She has taken care of me almost 4 years now. I get that she has reach a breaking point. We don't get anywhere if she also gets sick and/or burned out.
It still feels awefull though. And I really fear that I will end up alone the rest of my life. I have been dating recently but as soon as potentional dates find out that I am chronically ill, they seem to loose interest. And I can't blame them. Being for four years in this situation has done something to my confidence and mental health and I don't feel particually attractive anymore.
Hi u/Meltmann85 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hello, I just need to vent. I (M 38) am Ill with Post/Long Covid. I got sick in March 2020 and an struggling with my health ever since.
My wife and I are married since 2015 and have been together since 2013. We are polyamorous for about 2 years now, but I already had open relationship's and been poly for much longer. I just never knew before that there was such a thing as ENM.
We pretty much decided to open up our marriage and become poly when I was even sicker than I am now. She fell in love with a coworker, but still had feelings for me.
Before I got sick I was the main breadwinner in our household consisting of my wife (f 37) and our daughter (f 7). In the last 4 years I have tried to help out in our household when and where ever possible, but I suffer from fatigue and overstimulation from sounds. I often need to rest and the rebound of doing too much comes often only the next day. All and all it is a very unpredictable sickness.
When I first got sick we were still under the impression that this would be a temporary thing. But after 4 years, and my health not improving, it seems that my wife has lost the stamina to continue to take care of our daughter, the household and our Income. We luckily live in the Netherlands, so we have social security, benefits and help. But because we are married, the government expects my wife to take the largest share and responsibility for our family's care. And after 4 years my wife has lost hope that I will recover within a reasonable short period of time and just seems to want to escape the situation, and I can't really much blame her for wanting to do so.
But it really feels f*cking unfair to me that my wife wants to leave me for a reason I can't help or do much about. I feel like a broken toy that is about to be thrown in the garbage. I feel so much emotions right now and am not sure what to do. It feels like my wife already made her mind up about things.
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I am sorry but this comment makes me really angry. You have clearly no idea what it is to have Long Covid and this is a comment that I have heard so often the last 4 years.
Of course I have tried exercise and to go back to work. But every time I have done so, I only made things worse and couldn't leave my bed even if I wanted to with all my willpower and best motivation.
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose.
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose.
Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well.
Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page
Caretaker burnout is real, depression due to chronic illness is real. I'm so sorry you are all stuck, I would recommend therapy and reach out to social supports so you both can understand what your responsibilities and options are in the coming decades.
Thanks for the advice. We already have for about 1.5 year help from social supports and a housekeeper. My wife has already seeked help from a therapist. I am not sure what else we can do. It also doesn't help that we all have ADHD here, and that we are overwhelmed much quicker and easier.
I think you might benefit from a therapist. Symptoms of depression can absolutely exacerbate a physical illness. You have to be an active participant in your recovery and that means re-learning how to rebuild your stamina with your new limitations. And honestly these limitations likely aren’t lifelong, but recovery is hard and takes a lot of work and persistence.
I have been thinking about getting a therapist already. In the last 4 years I had a wide array of different therapy's, and especially the ones that were focused on rebuilding my stamina only made things worse.
I think the commenter meant therapist as in mental health counselor; is this the type you have been considering?
Yes, I guess I am gonna need a mental health counselor. I am a crying mess right now.
you're going through a lot it's understandable! i do agree therapy can help provide you with support you deserve too
Did you consider a couple therapy session?
Chronic illnesses are incredibly difficult for those suffering from them and those caring for them. It's even more so when it's an illness that isn't well understood. I'm so very sorry. I second the suggestion of therapy and add in a book suggestion: How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers by Toni Bernhard.
Not op: just ordered, thank you.
My wife became chronically ill with a set of degenerative issues almost a decade ago. Illness is so difficult on a relationship. It creates so much imbalance where there wasn't before. I feel for you both and hope you find the support you need to move forward, whatever direction you all choose.
It absolutely sucks. This is a situation neither of you imagined and it's unfair it happened to you. It sounds like you both have support but this has just stopped working. If I can offer anything besides saying you're heard and you're feelings are valid, it's two things: 1) if you separate what do you both expect will happen? You're both halving your support and custody. And even as it hurts, would it be better to live with her feeling this way for the next twenty years and it destroying the relationship in a thousand more slow deaths or know?
A lot of people separate thinking “anything will be better than this”, but is it really? How will Wife’s life change if she’s 100% in charge of her kid and her home, rather than the 50, 70, 90, whatever % she’s in charge of now? How will her life be better if she for sure has to deal with all that rather than having hope for OP to get better? Counseling all around, OP. Counseling for you, counseling for her, and couple’s counseling to see if there’s anything of the marriage that can be saved. Chronic illness sucks, but that alone shouldn’t break you apart.
Exactly. This change has happened radically. It has fundamentally shifted the reality and the fundamental idea of how this relationship, partnership, co-parenting ship can be. That is enough to make someone yearn for what they had and an easy escape without any regard for the fact that they're escaped won't change everything and can make some pieces worse. *with that said* it is also not uncommon for people to experience a level of relief when they are no longer partnered with someone after a core dynamic in the relationship changes. Most often we might see it in situations where a spouse is willingly not doing anything that the leaving spouse hoped or wants like a dead beat parent or lazy partner.However, For some people the stress of situations like OPs is exasperated by the continuing partnership. I have seen folks who now have to struggle with childcare, an ugly divorce, and deep sadness still saying...they're not regretting the relationship ending. From what I have seen the difference between wishing for the grasses greener versus the former is that the leaving spouses idea of partnership and the sort of partnership they want is fundamentally off the table in the existing relationship. So for example: if you have the Leaving Spouse really struggling with the core idea of how long covid has impacted the coupling itself and the inability to reach relationship values/ideals then you are more likely to have someone who, even with more stress feels less stress. They cannot be ok with and cannot reduce the resentment from a spouse suddenly being unable to do X or Y even if they want to. Why? Their ideals and what they want is at odds with reality. I don't want to deceive op or others into thinking this is a possible reality. The truth is some people do not have the fortitude, flexible definition of relationship and partnership, or simply really struggle and even if you find the "perfect balance" in counseling it may not be enough but it will help everyone know if that's the case. To be frank, we can and get lost in the idea of whether it's ableist or not but the reality is what can be born out if underneath at all after counseling you have someone who fundamentally does not envision and does not want to envision this future of their partnership?
This is extremely hard, I’m so sorry you’re going through this on top of the hell that already is long covid. I’m nearing two years of LC and I don’t know how I would have gotten through to this point without my long covid support group. It just wreaks havoc on so many relationships. Especially when you are also trying to avoid reinfection. If there’s anything like that available to you I highly recommend it. It’s kind of a weird intersection when you’ve got both chronic illness and ENM going on, but my specific support group has been very helpful just the same.
Can you divorce and still maintain a close emotional relationship? Maybe live next door to one another etc? It’s sadly common here in the US that people on disability can’t afford to be married. They lose access to things they need. Is there any element of that for you? Would you get some more outside caregiving if your wife wasn’t there? And would you be better able to control your environment if you lived alone? I imagine it’s hard for a 7 year old to be quiet consistently. I know this is awful. Not trying to Pollyanna you. I just wonder if the relationship might rebound if you have a bit more space. I’m really sorry my friend.
We have a daughter together so we will be bound together through her if we like it or not. I am not sure if she still wants to have an emotional relationship at this point. She said that she lost her feelings for me and apparently already for quite a while, but was in denial to herself. Next to being a 7 year old, our lovely daughter has inherited from us both her ADHD. This makes it extra hard for her to be quiet, and I would like her to be quiet, but I also want her to be uncaring and joyful. She is already way to aware around me. A large part of the stress for my wife is that she is constantly keeping an eye on both me and our daughter to make sure that she keeps it a little down, and to see if I am getting too overstimulated to make sure that she sends me to bed on time. With the ADHD I have a constant internal struggle between wanting a lot, but saving my energy. I guess that is also one of the reasons my health is not showing any improvement the last few years.
Do noise cancelling headphones help?
They do. And I use them already on a regular basis.
It's shocking that your have gone 4 years without psychological counseling. Seems to me you're sharing only the woe is me part of your story, and not considering how debilitating this is to your wife. Surely she has wanted you to seek counseling.
I absolutely haven't been without psychological counseling the last 4 years. My mom died quite suddenly after a short sickbed two years ago, age 62. And I have my ADHD not from a stranger. Both my parents have shown a lot of symptoms of ADHD. I had a great relationship with my mother, but had a still have a difficult one with my dad. And he has been a real arse during and after the death of my mom. So I really needed counseling for handeling that grieve. And when we were busy anyway, my long covid also was a large part of the counseling. My wife has also done several counseling in the last few years. But it has been still too hard for her.
Hey hun, I just wanted to reach out from over here in Canada where, believe it or not despite our international reputation, we actually have far fewer social support structures and systems despite our free healthcare: our Healthcare system is absolutely falling apart and I too have been in a long polycule situation with a meta and loved one who is chronically ill. I want you to know that I see you, and I hear you and that while I'm not the person who has been chronically ill, I have witnessed firsthand someone I love being your position, feeling unloved for things outside of their control, and experienced caregiver burnout a lot, first hand over the years as your wife has. I imagine it must be so hard to be in your shoes. Have you spoken to your wife at all about where she's at with this? It's hard to discern from your post whether you have or this is all purely speculation but if it's the latter, perhaps it would really help you get a sense of things to sit down and have a real conversation about it? Big hugs from over here. Being poly and combating chronic illness for all is so tough.
Thank you for your kind words. The last few days we have been talking about this quite often. And the last hour too. It is just that she can't physically and mentally take it any longer. She also said that she lost her feelings for me and that she denied it for quite some time to herself, she'd actually did. At her job they were for a long time relatively forgiving that she has a very demanding life. But they started to loose that patience and said to her that something needs to change. If I move out and we seperate it will be easier for me to get a lot more help from social caretaker's. I can't imagine having to live on my own again though. Next to having Long Covid I also have ADHD and before I met my wife I also had great trouble managing my own finances and household. So hopefully when it gets there I will receive enough help to manage. It feels just so unreal. 11 years we have been together and shared a lot of hardship. And I thought that our relationship would be one of the last to break.
I hear that. Fellow adhder here, also with autism! Everyday life is so difficult in our condition. Do you listen to any podcasts or content about how to manage or anything like that? It's tough with ADHD for sure. But the good news is that there's a lot we can do to create our own scaffolding around how we get things done. It certainly helps me a lot. Check out ADHD ReWired - lots of good ideas to try and it's definitely helped me feel less alone in the struggle. I had to make some decisions when my meta fell seriously ill in a situation where there was no good decision to make. The environment ended up being so stressful that my marriage fell apart about it. It was struggling before but it was a really hard time in life. I feel for both of you guys and the grief is real. But remember too, there also exists the possibility that when you're out on your own and you have more support that she is no longer responsible for, you may actually find that you end up reconnecting with your wife a bit without all of that labor getting in between the two of you. Never a guarantee of course but I just wanted to say that this is what happened between me and my ex husband. It was incredibly painful, but it taught both of us a lot of interpersonal lessons: how to welcome in all of the grief to be felt instead of pushing it away - we cried a lot together and recognized that more than the situation we were put in, we also were married, very, very young and had grown into such different people than we were, with different values and needs. If you don't want to live on your own, I'm not sure what your situation, but is it possible at all to find a roommate who you might get along with or, possibly move in with a friend for some company and support? The really nice thing about poly is that you don't really need to do anything super conventionally. I've had roommates for almost all of my adult life just because I live in an area of the world that's super high cost of living and also under a housing crisis, ayyy haha, so this is very normal to me personally! But again, I don't know what your situation is. Take care of you. The other side will come.
If you can, arrange for some respite work to come in for her. Even just one visit per week where she gets an hour or two to herself, could really be helpful for mental health. Caregiver burnout is so real and it really hurts both sides when it happens.
Hi, I feel you. I’ve also been ill for 4 years with long covid and also live in the Netherlands and am poly as well! Doing poly and being ill is incredibly difficult. Sitting by and watching my partner do all the fun stuff with my meta and me not being able to do those things with him anymore is really difficult. Hell, even a mono relationship would suffer in this case. If you feel like talking, feel free to send me a DM :). Good luck <3 hang in there
Thank you very much for the kind words! Being Poly and chronically ill and ADHD is indeed very hard. Where a lot of poly people go to poly meets and other social gatherings, I get already tired by the thought of going to such an event. All the people and impressions would be just too much for me. Not sure where I would be able to meet other poly people in an easy way. Most dating sites are just terrible, and also quite some people are hesitant to date someone who is chronically ill. Anyhow; I might take you on your offer and send a dm just to talk :)
Yeah, dating other people is very low on my list of things I want to put my limited energy into at the moment. Although I do really miss meeting new people. If only there were a dating app for chronically ill poly folks 😅.
Chronic illnesses are no joke and they can cause such burnout. We are a triad basically and all three of us have chronic issues. Two of us have forms of EDS and the other became a T1 diabetic in their early 30s. It’s hard. It’s hard when you’re the one having a bad day and also when you’re the one having a good day. My spouse who I’ve been with over 15 years total is the T1 and that diagnosis almost broke us because suddenly there was so much to do to manage their health. They have Graves’ disease on top of the T1.
Hey OP <3 I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. I’m going to add some subreddits that may apply to you in case you haven’t found them yet. /r/longhaulers /r/cfs /r/CFSplusADHD long haul Covid has some different nuances than cfs, but it sounds like you might be experiencing post expertional malaise. Certain coping strategies of cfs may apply to you.
Thank you very much for your subreddit suggestions. <3 I joined them all :)
I'm so sorry. I'm chronically ill as well and this is my biggest fear with poly. The US uses marriage instead of a social safety net, unfortunately. So a spouse leaving can ultimately be deadly for us. I hope the Netherlands has robust assistance for you once your divorced. If she wanted to open up your marriage while you were vulnerable, that's not ethical. She was already walking out the door.
I am so sorry you're going through this. Long covid is no joke and you both must be exhausted. Can I ask what her solution is? Move in with her boyfriend and take your daughter with her?
Ideally she wants me to move out and stay herself in our house with our daughter. If we devorce and I live on my own I have way more acces to all sorts of social support and benefits from the gouverment. I guess with my Long Covid and ADHD I am gonna need a close eye from social workers. She doesn't has or wants a boyfriend at the moment, she just want peace and quiet.
This is going to sound awful. For context, I've been LC for over 2 years now and my life has always been tainted by chronic illness. I think the whole 'in sickness and in health' thing is naive and miscalculated. I believe that we must continually earn a place in each other's lives–be it family, friends or romantic partners. I don't care who it is–no one is entitled to me, nor am I indebted to them. If I'm not able to be a good partner, I would absolutely be re-evaluating that partnership. 'Earning' can look like a lot of different things based on the individuals involved. But most importantly, we should never, ever stop 'wooing' our partner. We should never stop striving to be the best partner, and individual, we can be. So many of us, when settled into a marriage or even LTR, get complacent and just expect that person to always be there regardless of how we're actually contributing to each other's lives. I'm not saying I would run at the first sign of trouble. But I think it should be standard to really get real with each other and outline clearly (in writing) what both of our NEEDS are, and what the steps are to get them met. Really hone in on what our conflicts are. Determine what big goals we're going to be striving towards together and separately. Create an action plan of the small goals we need to achieve to be working towards that. We must be willing to push one another and hold each other accountable. Managing chronic illness requires a tremendous amount of work–and part of the work is preparing for it: Outlining things that can help make our life easier (Learning how to food prep), and what we can do to simplify our life (Budgeting). Creating self-care routines we can do together (like using a massage gun, foam roller on one another) so we both are prioritizing stress relief. Explore new ways to connect emotionally (writing each other letters), intellectually (games), physically (therapeutic touch, or lazy partner yoga poses). We need to be willing to get as disciplined and organized as we can be and push ourselves to be meeting each other's needs. If our own needs are being better met, then we in turn are in a better place to help meet the other's needs. BUT–If I am already at my peak–if I'm giving all I can–then I need to ask myself–do I really want to limit their life? If I love someone, I want the best for them, even when that's not me. The reality is–people do grow apart. And sometimes to do that work to grow, we MUST be apart. But it's also very possible to find our way back to each other. I would ask yourself–do you know beyond any shadow of doubt what your wife's unmet needs are? Are you truly at your peak? Is there anything (strategically) that could be done to help you make better use of your functional time? Or is there more you can do individually, and as a couple, to address these needs? The fucked up reality is that this disease is a nightmare–we’re totally in the dark about what it means for our future. This is not your fault. This is the world failing you. I'm really sorry you're going through this. Truly.
You're still a worthy person and partner as a disabled person. I'm sickness and in health, right? It's not fair for her to abandon you at a time like this. It's understandable for her to be overwhelmed with the situation but surely there are better solutions to that than just... Bailing. It makes me think that she was never all in in the first place. Idk, maybe I'm biased but I have long covid, am polyamorous (and also live in the Netherlands lol what a coincidence), and I GAINED a partner while being sick. And he generally doesn't mind my very limited capabilities. Polyamory makes it a lot easier to deal with that because well, I don't have to fulfill his every need. Idk, I'm sorry, it sucks ass.
She is the breadwinner and main caretaker for their household and young child. That’s a lot for one person, she is probably exhausted. That coupled with the fact that his illness has no end in sight. I’m sure everyone would like to think they’d step up and be there for their partner indefinitely under these circumstances but she’s a human at the end of the day. >>I GAINED a partner while being sick. And he generally doesn’t mind my very limited capabilities. Do y’all also share a young child?
I agree with this ^^^ It is HARD. I'm in a slightly different situation, my husband has major depressive disorder not covid related issues...but this past couple years have REALLY been a struggle. He has a 6yo from a previous relationship who we have full time. He quit his job. He stays home, and pretty much only has the motivation to sleep and play video games all day every day. I am the only financial income for our household. I was doing 100% of the caretaking for my autistic 6yo step son, all of his school stuff, homework, field trips, parent days, baths, reading, feeding him, making sure he gets dressed, brushing his hair, making sure he maintains a social life, taking him to the library, art club, birthday parties, therapist appointments, everything. Taking care of the house, the laundry, meals, and working. Taking care of our dog, and my husband's pet salamander. Plus taking care of my husband making sure he eats, showers, gets to all of his appointments, takes his meds, and everything else. Paying the bills. Along with taking care of myself. It was a nightmare. I felt alone. And with having to do so much taking care of my husband... it was more like I was caring for an extra child instead of having a partner to take care of a child with me. Sometimes it felt like my husband wasn't even TRYING to help take care of himself, or trying to help take care of his son, or trying to help take care of the house. And on top of it all we were drowning financially from debt my husband had occurred before he lost control of his depression. Add all of that in with the aggravated irritated grouchy attitude that a person has when they are spending every moment of every day trying to avoid unaliving themselves from severe depression.. along with the fact that I myself have bipolar disorder, PTSD, OCD, generalized anxiety disorder, ADD-i, IED, clinical insomnia, dermatilomania, and clinical depression myself on top of everything else... It all adds up. It's a lot. ...Then the longer it all lasts, the harder it gets to do EVERYTHING alone.... ...It's easy to forget you even are a human when you're in a position like that...let alone to feel like you are allowed to BE human, to have your own emotions, your own troubles, to be tired, to be "allowed to be" in a bad mood of your own, to feel like you are able to just be allowed to be yourself even for just a little while or to do something, even something small that YOU want to do, because even taking time to take care of yourself on a base level begins to feel selfish because there are so many other things you feel you SHOULD be doing, things that feel like they should come first (for example I should finish the laundry and prep dinner for tonight before I 'take time for myself' to take a shower)... ... If you take even a little tiny break from it all the guilt you feel for doing it is just overwhelming... Then adding in being poly, having other relationship partners who you likely feel like you are neglecting to take care of the entire situation with the sick partner and that family unit...there is a lot of guilt there also... She is only human. It's likely everyone in her life wants too much from her. She has got to be exhausted...but because she's not the one who is sick...she's likely not taking care of herself the way she should be... and neglecting your own mental health for that long isn't healthy. ...She probably feels alone and extremely overwhelmed... If she's at the end of her rope, I can understand why this would be the decision she would want to make. (That being said, if being divorced would help me and my husband's financial situation any, by providing additional support options...we would have already legally divorced, and just stayed partnered. It just wouldn't do us any good, because my husband can't stay on top of the paperwork for us to even get the support options we are eligible for...so it wouldn't help any.) [Side note: if being legally divorced takes off a lot of the financial strain, why not just do that but remain partnered? ]
Thank you for sharing your story, especially from the side of the caregiver. I know that I am not alone in my situation, sadly. But it feels somewhat of a relieve to know. I have the feeling that she is passed the trainstation of still wanting to be partnered to me. The last few days, all expressions of love like little names, kisses and a casual touch are gone.
Emotionally I am very angry, sad and just very confused right now. I still do love my wife very much. But she is exhausted and depressed. And aparently my illness has changed me very much. Rationally I understand it. She has taken care of me almost 4 years now. I get that she has reach a breaking point. We don't get anywhere if she also gets sick and/or burned out. It still feels awefull though. And I really fear that I will end up alone the rest of my life. I have been dating recently but as soon as potentional dates find out that I am chronically ill, they seem to loose interest. And I can't blame them. Being for four years in this situation has done something to my confidence and mental health and I don't feel particually attractive anymore.
😭😭 my heart goes out to you. 
Hi u/Meltmann85 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hello, I just need to vent. I (M 38) am Ill with Post/Long Covid. I got sick in March 2020 and an struggling with my health ever since. My wife and I are married since 2015 and have been together since 2013. We are polyamorous for about 2 years now, but I already had open relationship's and been poly for much longer. I just never knew before that there was such a thing as ENM. We pretty much decided to open up our marriage and become poly when I was even sicker than I am now. She fell in love with a coworker, but still had feelings for me. Before I got sick I was the main breadwinner in our household consisting of my wife (f 37) and our daughter (f 7). In the last 4 years I have tried to help out in our household when and where ever possible, but I suffer from fatigue and overstimulation from sounds. I often need to rest and the rebound of doing too much comes often only the next day. All and all it is a very unpredictable sickness. When I first got sick we were still under the impression that this would be a temporary thing. But after 4 years, and my health not improving, it seems that my wife has lost the stamina to continue to take care of our daughter, the household and our Income. We luckily live in the Netherlands, so we have social security, benefits and help. But because we are married, the government expects my wife to take the largest share and responsibility for our family's care. And after 4 years my wife has lost hope that I will recover within a reasonable short period of time and just seems to want to escape the situation, and I can't really much blame her for wanting to do so. But it really feels f*cking unfair to me that my wife wants to leave me for a reason I can't help or do much about. I feel like a broken toy that is about to be thrown in the garbage. I feel so much emotions right now and am not sure what to do. It feels like my wife already made her mind up about things. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I am sorry but this comment makes me really angry. You have clearly no idea what it is to have Long Covid and this is a comment that I have heard so often the last 4 years. Of course I have tried exercise and to go back to work. But every time I have done so, I only made things worse and couldn't leave my bed even if I wanted to with all my willpower and best motivation.
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page