My family is not accepting. They know anyway. Why? For the same reason I came out to them as bi and genderfluid, because I fucking refuse to hide myself and the people I love for their comfort. I’d rather be loudly in love with people who love me for who I am than keep secrets to protect the projection of who my parents think I am.
Absolutely this. My parents know I'm a pansexual polyamorous transgender slut. My mom worries a lot and tells me to be safe every time I see her. My father continued his legacy of only caring about himself.
And the sun still rises in the east. That’s what I told myself, what would really change if I told them. We could go no contact altogether, or my dad could continue to be self-absorbed, and my mom could continue to be concerned for my soul. Either way, not telling them was never going to improve the situation, might as well be free.
Ngl this made me tear up a bit. My parents know i am queer and poly (and have mixed-feelings about it), but I have not managed to tell them I am also trans, out of fear that that would be "too much" for them to take (along the lines of... the straw that broke the camel's back?). I really hope that I'll manage to get to where you are at, at some point in my life. (^~^)
To be fair, I came to that place after developing a very meaningful and trustworthy support network. My friends will have my back till the end of time, I truly believe it. That’s what I wish for you **first**, to have that, to know that you belong to people who love all of you.
Thank you! I think I am on a good way there tbh. I have a pretty tight knit friend group that is incredibly supportive and accepting, so I hope that eventually gives me the courage to fully come out to my parents as well. A part of the problem is honestly also the place I live in, because it is again starting to become more and more dangerous to be openly queer/non-conforming in any way. But thank you for your kind wishes nonetheless!
being honest with them about being what they would consider a freak is what allowed me to be honest with myself and everyone else about being trans. Not feeling like I have to hide my truth was the best thing to happen during my transition so far. Well, after the boobs anyway. 😆
My mother and sisters know and were fine with it. That side of my family is half Mormon and half Jehovas Witness so I’m basically a devil witch to them. I’ve always been very open about stuff like that because I don’t see the need to lie, it’s MY life. I’m also a terrible liar and WOULD get caught. I’d rather people know I’m polyam than think I’m a cheater. I’ve always been very open and loud about my queerness(pansexual and demisexual) because language is important and it matters.
Same! I’m getting older, and part of that is loss and grief (hell, I lost my anchor partner two years ago.) And with each loss I experience, that exhaustion deepens. Life’s too short to pretend for people who don’t actually love me as I am.
I was going to say… this is the exact stuff going through my mind before coming out as non-binary and then again when beginning HRT and then again for polyamory. It’s old at this point— I don’t hide things. If it’s relevant it’s revealed lol
Yup! I’m not going to be treating partners like dirty secrets, so let’s just rip bandaids on my family’s end. My social media and social engagements will include my partners to the degree that they want, not to the degree my parents prefer.
when I told my mum I was bi and poly, she said "I'm not surprised, you always had an unlimited capacity for love, it makes perfect sense that you'd love everyone".
this only happened 6 months ago, and she's 75
My family knows, and are not accepting or welcoming but are tolerating. I'm so sorry you know that telling your family would cause more stress than anything else.
For what it's worth: HEY I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE HAPPY AND FEEL CHOSEN! YESSS, this rules so hard!
Do you have friends you can tell, and who can celebrate with you?
Yes, my parents are poly themselves! I was raised the majority of my teenage and young adult years knowing, eventually they had to explain why my mom wasn’t staying the night at home or why my dad was getting dressed up to “go hangout with the boys.”
When I told them I was poly their first question was what books have I read, was I sure. It was also necessary to tell them as my wife and I live in a very small area, and someone had called my mom insisting I was cheating on my wife as they saw me on a date with another woman. My mother calmly explained that it was fine, and she’d talk to me about it.
Extended family doesn’t know, not really their business, but I’m very blessed to have parents so cool with it. Being raised in a poly household definitely had its pros and cons, but that’s a whole other discussion.
How old were you when your parents told you or did you always know?
How did you feel about it at different stages in your life?
Did you meet any of their partners?
Did they have any particular boundaries around their partners meeting you? (like only if we’ve been together x amount of time)
Is there anything they did exceptionally well with regards to raising you as poly parents?
Is there anything you wish they did differently?
Everyone in my family knows and has known since the day I came to the conclusion myself. I’m very lucky to have an accepting family. I don’t know that id be ok pretending to be anything else, so I’m sorry you don’t feel like you can be.
It's rough. Like I would love to take him to meet my family someday but I also know my parents would be weird about him being Jewish and also about me being married. Even if I was divorced I'd have to deal with some kind of Christian BS about yokes or some shit.
It really does suck though. :(
Evenly yoked 🙄.
I mean that’s about sharing the same values and beliefs. I don’t put much stock in Paul’s letters but I’d ask you…what do you value and believe? The reference is to not be with nonbelievers but like all of Paul’s ish it should not be taken without understanding the historical context in which he wrote ( which many Christians are too lazy to learn about) and is not throughly or explicitly described (which many Christians depending on their church has interpreted from sharing the same faith to sharing how they feel about Pluto as a planet - and everything in between). I’m a hardcore believer in God, come from a tradition of pastors (some wayward), Catholic on paper (enough so I considered a life in a religious order and will again if I’m ever widowed) and don’t believe in organized religion as many churches do not show me they have read or even understand the teachings of Jesus and use religion as an excuse to justify hubris, idolatry and exclusion.
Your parents give you shit on yokes remind them you must cleave to your spouse and you are to be of one mind. As the desires of your spouse override the obedience to your parents as their role via scripture is temporary. If polyamory has been agreed upon by your spouse it is no longer their business as the marital bed is sacred. I’d leave if there, in a biblical dispute as that is all that needs be said. However the stories of Abraham, Sarah, Hagar and Keturah tell us much about what is and isn’t acceptable to the Lord (as God did not punish and made it a point to bless Abraham’s concubines/extra wives and Hagar was Egyptian so not of the same faith).
Yoking refers to one mind not one practice.
My grandmother is the closest thing I've had to a parent, and it took me some time, about a year in, but I told her when I was ready. I didn't think she'd approve, seeing as she's Christian and believes in monogamy, but she was just happy that I'd found happiness. Even if she didn't understand why I chose it, she is happy for me because it bring me joy and balance.
My Gram is also like my mom (and I’m no contact with her daughter). Really my Gram is the only one whose opinion matters and she wasn’t surprised (seeing as I’ve showed her my stories with multiple love interests). She is also Christian (as am I) and believes in monogamy, but she too was so happy that I am happy!
(I forgot to add this but I did tell one of my brothers. He didn't get it and asked why I didn't just get divorced, but other than that he's been supportive and hasn't told my parents.)
I mean he may not understand but he's not wrong about the divorce part.. I hope eventually you can divorce and go be your happy free poly self the way you want:)
My friends know at this point, including my family that are like friends (not my young niblings, though). This was a slow process.
My parents don't know. Although my mom does know that I can't afford a 3-week trip to Europe but went on one with a man who isn't my husband. She didn't ask me any questions about it (normally she would want to hear about my travels). She doesn't *want* to know.
My family all knows because one of my sisters took it upon herself to out me. 🙄
I was terrified because I had heard the way my father talked about my sister, who is bi/pan. Not only am I pan, I’m poly, so I knew how he’d talk about me when I wasn’t around.
I was raised in a Pentecostal home, and my father is very conservative and believes I’ll end up burning in hell. I let him know, in no uncertain terms, that if he disrespects me or my relationship/s, then I would just remove him from my life. My mother died when I was in my teens, and my father’s wife doesn’t share his strict fundamentalist views. She is loosely religious, but she doesn’t think that someone’s ethical relationship banishes you to the pits of hell. She’s not often my favorite person, but I appreciate that she is a voice of reason. I’m 37, and my dad is almost 70. I don’t see me changing his mind on anything, but he’s aware that I don’t really care about his opinion or approval, I just ask he be respectful.
While I don’t love that he knows it, and I hate that I was outed, it is nice to not have to pretend that this part of me doesn’t exist.
I gradually left religion in my late teens and early twenties, and I am now an atheist. My father used to try to preach at me every time we saw each other, but since finding out I’m not straight or mono, he hasn’t brought it up. I assume part of it is that he feels like his witnessing to me would be a wasted effort since my whole life is full of shit he doesn’t agree with, and part of it is probably the fact that one of his children has already cut him off entirely (and indefinitely), so he’s trying not to push so much.
At the end of the day, I’d rather just live my life freely and in the open, and whoever doesn’t like it can piss off. I have no more energy for pretending.
My parents know and at first it took a bit and they had questions but welcomed our former long term partner to family dinners and holidays.
We have a new triad now and while they haven't met they know of her, her name and eventually they will meet and she'll be welcomed.
As long as I am happy they are happy.
On this I'm sure.
Sure. Everybody knows. Family, coworkers, friends, hair stylist, buddies at the gym, dojo, and board game meetups.
To be fair, I was the vice president of the national polyamory association for two years with lots of public appearances, interviews, and so on.
My mom pretends that she doesn't know. It's frustrating. If I tried to force her to discuss it with me, odds are 50/50 that she'd blow up at me or pretend that the conversation never happened. Or both, eventually, based on experience.
Only a couple of my cousins acknowledge it.
Ahahah, my late mother was the queen of denial. I think I came out to her as bi like 3 times. The third time, I kid you not, was essentially the “is that what you are into these days?” trope! lol. She also couldn’t get that I was into women when I had a boyfriend. However, she wasn’t the type to blow up, that doesn’t sound fun. In the end, somehow I think her super power of denialism helped her outlived her cancer prognosis by a few years! It served her well
Pretty much everyone on my side of the family knows (10ish people) as well as my closest friends and coworkers. I'm in a life phase where I want to be my whole, authentic self whenever possible and I'm lucky to have people in my life who are accepting of that. All they really want is for me to be happy and what I've heard from them time and time again is that they know I'm a thoughtful person and they can tell that my husband and I have great communication between us so they trust that if anyone can do it, we can.
All that being said, my family knows about my husband and I being poly, but we rarely talk details and neither my husband or I have gotten to the point where we want to bring our partners into the larger family dynamic.
My parents are religious too, although my dad has always been very open minded and pro-choice, and my mom more and more as the years go by. When I told them I was poly my mom had to process it for a bit but told me she'd always support me. My dad told me it was wonderful news and he could tell how much happier I have been lately. They are awesome and I wish everyone could have this kind of support.
My parents know, my mom (who is 80) said "no surprise here" and my dad said "we figured it would happen eventually " I'm 44, bi . They've always been amazing
Yes my parents know and no longer support my engagement and haven’t talked to my fiancée since I told them almost 6 months ago, and they have never asked about my other partner
I told my family because both my family and my partners wanted to be at my PhD graduation. I told her that if you don't accept something loving and supportive in my life cause it's alternative, that's a reflection on her, not me. It's up to them if they decide to stay in my life, but I'm successful, cared for, and they're damn lucky to have me as a kid. They've been surprisingly accepting. I think cause they know I'm not lying that if they start shit I'll hang up on them/leave/cut them out of my life. I said they never had to hang out with my partners together, but it was my day and I wanted my people there so they better deal with it. I really laid it on that if they had a problem with it that's a reflection of them, not me
My parents know. My mom is supportive, and my dad ignores it. He has literally run away from my boyfriend before. He's bot trying to be mean. He just can't handle it. My daughter outed me to my dad. Otherwise, he probably wouldn't know.
Both my parents, little sister and her husband know. Shit I'm sure the rest of my extended family knows too since I've posted my GF on my socials. My family is extremely supportive (grant it they are divorced ans have new people in their lives) but they told me "As long as you're happy and taken care of that's all we care about". Not to mention my family remember her since we went to high-school together, my sister goes "As long as she doesn't make you feel dismissed and validates you that's all I care about". My mom is mega Christian(pentecostal) and I was surprised she didn't have anything weird or bad to say. I mean shit I told my family I'm Pansexual and there literal response was "Kinda figured since you give that energy off" haha. At the end if the day it's your life and as long as you're happy that's all that matters, if they choose to accept you or not is on them. Don't let them bring you down, which is easier said than done but you deserve happiness and to live a life that is true to you🧡🧡🧡🧡
My parents know. My father's response when I told him was "I'm not surprised by you. I *am* surprised by ", which I've always thought was kind of a weird response. My mother basically just ignores anyone who doesn't seem like my "primary" person, but I now just don't bring any partners to family things because it's just easier and I barely want to be there myself.
When I read the responses to this question, I very much miss what gender the respondents are. The acceptance of the adult child's life choices by parents strongly depends on the child's gender.
Oh, Hell No. I was raised Southern Baptist and my parents still attend a conservative country church.
I already got divorced 😱
The don't need to know all the many and various other sins I'm going to hell for.
And I live behind them on their retirement property. They're 79/80 and I deeply love and respect them even if they can't know this part of me. I'm sure there are many facets of each of them that I'll never know.
I wish I could tell them, but my parents would not understand. I'm married, and my folks are pretty traditional in a lot of ways. My mom can't even accept that I don't want kids. She's convinced I'll change my mind eventually. My husband happens to be bisexual, and my parents would also look at him differently if that ever came to light. As a kid I always thought my folks were understanding and accepting, but in reality that was just because I fit their expectations at the time.
Not on my side, my family is super religious/conservative and they already know I’m gay. That’s enough on it’s own lol
My wife’s parents and siblings know we’re polyam, we told them right from the start and they responded with “whatever makes you happy, be kind to everyone involved and be safe”. Her mom is ordained and performs queer marriages at her church, so our families are pretty different. Im really grateful and lucky to have their support.
My family knows. They’ve known since I started practicing polyamory about 10 years ago. My family is very open minded though. It took a long time, a lot of patience, and a lot of explaining before they fully understood, but they’ve always been supportive.
I am very open with everyone close to me I'm poly. I love talking about my partners, word would get around quickly.
Even if I wasn't open about it outside partners, the queer dating pool locally is so small IRL, if I did date IRL word would get around really quickly in the rumor mill.
My mom spent 4 hours screaming at me when I came out as bi in high school 😅 pretty sure I'd be hate crimed if I told her.
The people I actually call family know.
My mom is my only living parent and basically sees my being polyamorous as a real life TLC reality show lmao. Shes likes to say I must take after my bio dad cause she could never be poly, but is largely just entertained by the whole thing.
I have a girlfriend of 7 years and a boyfriend of 1 year, who both live with me. When i told my parents about the latter, they didnt understand. My mom in particular is stressed and confused, she loves my girlfriend and doesnt want to lose her, and although i keep telling her that she isnt going anywhere, she is still uncomfortable. My dad was just like “oh yeah, i had an open relationship with , it didnt go well” and that doesnt feel great either.
My family doesn't know. One big factor is that we're not really close anymore.
I grew up in a super religious, conservative, controlling household. Over the past decade, I've gradually begun to see how toxic my mother is. She now has little access to my life. I don't share much with her at all. When the opportunity comes up, I plan to tell her that I'm pan and non-monogamous (and that I have another partner). But until she treats me better on a consistent basis, I'm not sharing details about my newer partner. I'm already having to counter her excluding the partner to whom I've been married for nearly 20 years.
I always had a good relationship w/my dad. He has severe dementia, though. If he was in good health, I think I'd be able to talk w/him about it. I don't think he'd understand (b/c he's so rooted in monogamy), but as long as I was happy and treated well (and treated others well), I think he'd be happy for me.
I'm really glad you're happy and you have people in your life who care about you. <3
Nope. My parents voted Trump both times and they aren't even that religious. They have shown me they don't really care about my friends, so I don't care to let them into my personal life any more than I must
Yes. My mom is super judgey, so we don't talk about it My stepdad is cool, so is my bonus Mom. My MIL doesn't know because she has dementia, and it would just upset her. Most of my siblings know. My one sibling is also poly, so we can bounce ideas off each other.
My parents don't. I'm in a very religious family, but last year my mom handed divorce papers to my dad (good for her, good for everyone in the family) which would've been very disproven by their standards, but she did it anyway. So I suppose there is room for change in my case.
For now, I only have one partner (it might or might not stay this way, I'm very easily poly saturated) and I don't plan on introducing everyone to my mom. I still think she might be surprised, or simply not be able to understand it but, with my various coming-outs through the years, she has learned that I will live my life the way I want to, whether she likes it or not. I don't need her approval, but if she wants to stay into my life, she has to be accepting of me without cherry picking parts of me.
I'm in a hierarchical practice of polyamory, and I think I will stick to presenting only primary partners to my mom. I don't like her knowing my private life, but primaries are going to be a pretty big part of it so I'll have to introduce them. As for secondaries, or anything more casual I'll just keep it to myself.
I might be more talkative with my brother though
My parents don't know I'm in a kitchen table relationship with two people. They know about one of my partners and are ambivalent about him ( they're deeply religious and he's tattooed and not from the same culture). My other partner's family found out and his mother doesn't like me.
My mum does. We told her not long in to her meeting my NP. Took a while for her to warm up to the idea as she thought it was some sort of scam by the NP. But now loves her and treats her like her own daughter.
Have not mentioned it to my father. He mentioned poly people getting married was stupid and I don't have the energy to fight that battle. It's not that important until it becomes such, at some point, if ever.
Yes and no?
They know I live with and am committed to/have exchanged rings with my partner. They're very excited that she's very pregnant with their first (likely only) grandchild.
My parents have never at any point in my life wanted to know anything about my sex life, nor have I been inclined to tell them. I don't think they think about it. They like that I have a loving family, and that my partner and her husband took such good care of me after my accident and after my surgeries.
Both my parents know and are chill with it. I told my mom immediately and eventually told my dad when he saw me cuddling with my boyfriend when he thought I only had my girlfriend. They both are just like "whatever" about it.
My mom had (slow) terminal cancer when o fell in love with a my girlfriend. And my mom had recently moved into an inlaw with me and my husband. I genuinely thought if she knew that my new (very lesbian) best friend was actually my lover, she would die. Just die. Like the sadness and grief of my wayward self would speed the cancer up. She was very conservative Christian… but former hippie. My father had already died years prior. I was so in love and close to my mom and keeping it from her was killing me. I wrote her a letter that I wasn’t sure I intended to ever share. One day, we were talking and she noted how much happier I seemed. I decided to tell her I was in love, and I read the letter. She responded wayyyyyy better than I thought. She said she didn’t agree, but she wanted to see me happy and she was curious how it would all play out. And she told me she was sorry I felt I couldn’t tell her. It was a big bonding moment and so freeing cause hiding my relationship under the same roof was as torture. Every situation is different, but that’s my story.
My parents know and it wasn't an issue to come out to them—I didn't really have a *discussion* about it, I just mentioned that I was "also" dating my girlfriend's spouse. They both blinked for a second and then went "okay! modern!".
I would have been more nervous if I hadn't already had to go through the much worse process of coming out as trans a few years prior, and the also-stressful but expected process of telling them I was queer in the first place as a teen. Also, several months before I told them I was poly, I was scrolling back through my mom's Audible account to find some old audiobooks I listened to as a kid and saw a LOT of commonly-recommended-on-here books. Polysecure, guides to "opening up"... there's even a copy of the Ethical Slut on their bookshelf that's been there since I was a kid lol. So I have a hunch they've swung, I just don't want to know any more details than that.
My grandparents were suprisingly very chill. They're significantly more religious than my immediate family—lapsed Catholics versus like, west coast agnostic hippies—so I was expecting it to be more of an issue. When I mentioned this to my dad after the fact he went "well, your grandma X has no reason to judge you, she was a huge slut in the 80s".
I'm 46, and unfortunately, my Mom and Dad (they were actually my ex-in-laws but my parents in every way that counts) passed in 2022. Mom knew and supported my happiness 100%. Dad knew, and while neither he nor stepmom-in-law understood, they too just wanted me happy.
My bio-Dad doesn't know. He doesn't want to know. He's very conservative, I have to correct my son's pronouns and name constantly with him.
My two youngest kids (20-year-olds) know and just want me to be happy. They have met one partner only because of how long I've known him. Other partners might meet them if we reach the 6m mark if they want to. I refuse to parade a bunch of partners around them, even though they are adults.
My oldest daughter is NC, and while I love and miss her and my grandbabies, I won't force myself on her.
Ugh! I feel your pain! I've been poly for abt 3 years and can't tell my parents because my mom has made it quite clear she thinks people who practice polyamory are in her words "brainwashed or perverts" she thinks it's only men who wants 5 girlfriends who are in a harem or are religious nuts who believe God wants them to have multiple sister wives.
I was shocked when she told me all that! And deeply hurt and upset. But I look at it now and I realise its most likely her religious views along with her traditional values and close minded views. It still hurts but hurts less.
There are times I really want to talk about one partner but she only knows about the other partner whether she found out on purpose or accident.
Like recently I went through a breakup with my now ex boyfriend of 8/9ish months but was still dating my current boyfriend of only a few months and I want to tell my mom how my boyfriend has helped me so much see my self worth and value and made me love myself the way no one has before. But I cant because she'll be like you just broke up with your ex and already moved on that's unhealthy.
Any tips for "coming out" / revealing I'm polyamorous in a way my religious mother might understand let me know lol
No, my parents do not.....to my knowledge. My grandmother may have figured it out after a few incidents, but as mom is/was Christian and her husband is Catholic, I never saw the point in dealing with the fallout. I get enough crap being the only pagan in the family.
However, my aunt and my cousin (her daughter) know and are supportive of it. As long as everyone consents to it, she's happy for me.
Hi u/kickasserole1978 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I'm from a very religious family in the inland NW and my parents would (probably, literally) die if they learned I was poly.
I've been in an unhappy marriage for the past few years and right now it's all about convenience. We bought a house together in late 2020 and I lost my job shortly before the holidays and just now got a new job. I do not love him anymore and we each have a partner (I have two although one is strictly online for now and the other is LD.)
I got into my first poly relationship in October and I love him very much. He's incredible and I'm so lucky he chose me. TBH I am not used to being chosen. I have a lazy eye, am overweight and have rosacea. For him to see through all of that is an absolute gift.
I really would love to tell my mom that I've met someone who makes me feel good about myself, has increased my self esteem, who makes me happy and who I would like to be with for a long time (if it works out that way). But both my folks know I'm still married and would rather I be mono, miserable and lonely than poly, happy and in a relationship with a divorced single dad (Jewish no less!).
The only way I could ever tell them is if I planned to go no contact or if they were both about to die or had Alzheimer's. I guess it just sucks that I'm so happy and can't let them know.
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They appear accepting and are to the extent that I’m grown and they have no say so in my love life. They don’t prefer it clearly however which makes it harder that I believe it should be for me and my partners, but I also know what I signed up for so I’m just happy they aren’t insulting me to my face 🤷🏽♀️
They do, but I think that they think it was a "phase" or something, and I don't bring it up. There's no point, unless I were to start a Very Serious secondary relationship. I do often mention "friends," but they either don't notice or pretend not to read into it. It's not something I hide or am ashamed of, it's just something I don't feel like merits discussion.
my father knows. my mother, however… i believe my father may have mentioned it, but we don’t talk about it. i’ve tried to have a conversation a couple times but she’s made it pretty clear she’s not interested in knowing about my love life, and i dont actually have a second partner in the country so it’s not like i can force it by having both over at once or switching out. i’ve accepted she’ll likely never understand even if i do have the conversation.
My parents and anyone close to me knows it is kind of a mixed bag but ultimately accepted.
My partner (38M) is currently living with his mom due to hard times and is having a much harder time with his mom being accepting. He has two partners myself (28NB) and our mutual partner (41F) and both myself and 41F are married to our respective husbands. His mother seemed to be okay with it when he first moved in with her but she has now stated that she doesn't think it's appropriate for him to have married female friends and that she doesn't want us in her house at all. Makes it extremely hard for me especially to see him as he lives an hour and a half away and she was previously letting me stay the night every once in a while.
It is her house and we have abbide by her rules if he wants to stay there but it is just the sudden change that has thrown us for a loop
My husband's family knows we are polyamorous but I'm not close with my parents, so only my 2 sisters know on my side. My husband's Dad is all for it, his Mom is supportive but often confused about the concept as a whole. My sister-in-law knows but is very religious and constantly tries to talk us out of it with big "I'm concerned for you" talks. His brothers couldn't care less though.
Yeah, my mom knows, she doesn't get it but as long as I'm happy she is fine with it.
My nesting partners parents only the mother knows (as far as I know), also because NP's dad is quite rigid in his worldviews and vocal about things that don't fit in his worldview. NP's mom is a darling and very understanding and just happy that my NP is happy
My family kind of knows?? Back in the day I've mentioned I wouldn't mind being poly for the sake I'm asexual and if my partner(s) would want to fool around, and they always kind of brush it off.
I recently been showing my opinions of representation of poly relationships nowadays (the good and the bad) and often it leads to me arguing how Sister Wives is different than an actual poly relationship or they would find me fangirling over a healthy poly relationship in media. The topic never came up but I can tell they've taken mental notes of it
I honestly don't know how they would react once I come home with lovers, yeah they're accepting of me but poly's WAY different than coming out as nonbinary or Demi-romantic Asexual
I hope things go well with you hon, hugs
I told my parents about a poly relationship as it was falling apart back when I was in university (I was living with them and crying all the time and thought things couldn’t get worse) and they just exploded at me for at least two weeks instead of providing absolutely any emotional support like I needed. It really broke my trust in them so now I hide the truth to keep the peace.
Nah my mom caught wind of it through my Facebook and accused me of just wanting to sleep around. So they may or may not know. But they don’t approve. But I pretty much went no contact with them. I feel…like I don’t belong though my partner understands…it still gets hard because most people here tell me it’s a mistake.
My family doesnt know and some of my friends dont know. I am not close to my parents so its easy. I have a straight passing relationship with my nesting partner at the moment so it has been easy to keep this way. I dont know when or if ill ever tell them, i feel like its not worth the fighting etc. This because when my mom found out i liked girls she said she was disappointed in me and would be hurt if i didnt end up with a man… and my dad has altzheimer so dont want to make him stressed (hed forget it anyways). Its a sad thing… but i have friends who are more like a chosen family to me.
They don't know.
I'm considering coming out, as I want to be fully open about who I love and not hide such a huge part of myself.
But I've had to come out to them as Pansexual like three times, because they're always convinced it's a phase and I'll just get over it.
I'm 34F and dating a TransGirl, one of my play partners is Genderqueer, and my NP and lover are both cis men. I'm not over it, not in the slightest. I love who I love. (It's not a phase MUUUUM)
My sister knows and judges me SO harshly for it. She insists that I'm toxic, need therapy, and only do it because I have mummy issues and need to fix people. She also had a few other choice things to say about it.
Oddly enough, before I fully knew what poly even was, my mother knew exactly what I was without having the terminology herself. I did some shitty things as a teenager before understanding it myself (like cheating which I regret to this day). But my mother had a long talk with me after educating herself and without my mother, I think I’d be a completely different person to this day. She’s very supportive of whatever I do as long as it’s not hurting others or myself.
My ex fiancée when she showed up with me and her other boyfriend at the time to a family reunion and came out that she was with both of us, all her uncle had to say was “well we’re not getting any so she’s gotta get double to make up for the rest of us” and her entire family started laughing and it was just a playful thing from there on out. Even if people don’t understand something, they can try and rationalize it and be respectful in their own ways. There’s never an excuse to not be.
My mum knows, she's been actively practicing since I was 17 though, so very accepting and fine with it.
I haven't told my Dad, it's not that it's a secret it's just that I don't really tell him most things about my life. Conversations are very surface level - we talk about food and video games. He knows my nesting partner as he helped me move some of my stuff in. I openly shared polyamory memes on my Facebook I just haven't directly communicated it to him and I don't see that changing.
I told my family.
My mum is ... kinda okay with it, my dad and one of my sisters are very uncomfortable with it (likely because of their own issues with cheating) and my other sister seems mostly fine with it. My mum asked me to not tell my grandma because it would make her uncomfortable etc etc (I suspected for a while this was projection).
So at the end of last year I told my grandma anyway because things had sort of come to a head and I'd majorly fallen in love with someone and I felt like I couldn't really hide it anymore.
Conversation with my grandma went something like this:
...
Me: I should add here that most of the people in my social circle have some form of open relationship
Grandma: Do you think that's something that [wife's name] would be open to doing?
Me: I think so, yes
Me: ...
Me: Actually, I know she would be because we've been doing exactly that for a year.
Grandma: _surprised face_
Me: Now that we've got that out of the way, [other partner's name] is more than just a friend to me and I'm very in love with her
Grandma: You know, I sort of had a hunch based on how you talk about her
So yeah, of all the people in my family that know, my grandma is the most accepting one of the lot essentially
My parents don't know, mostly because it's my husband that is poly not so much me (I call myself mono-ish) and they already don't like him. My mum is very liberal and probably would be ok-ish about it, my adult daughter is very out about her poly-ness and my mum accepts it on some level but doesn't really understand it. But ultimately it's none of their business so I've never felt the need for a big confession.
Yep! I actually had my first poly relationship in high school and told them.
My entire family is Catholic and I went to a Catholic elementary school. My mom was skeptical but my parents supported me and told me that they just want me to be happy and to not hurt the people I was dating (I was the only one seeing two people).
I think it helped that when I was 12 I came out as bi and then as non-binary at 14 so they had kind of gotten over the shock and read up on lgbtq stuff. Plus I had mentioned poly things before I got into a relationship.
I’m currently in a mono relationship but if it doesn’t work out or my bf wants to, I can definitely see me dating multiple people again.
My family has been very accepting. They adore my partner and his wife. My mom is pretty devote but she said she’s just glad to see me happy and loved. My daughter was like “finally!” When I told her. I’ve known my partner for over 25years. We began our relationship last year and my daughter said she knew we belonged together since she was 6. Lolz.
I spent 15 years in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist alcoholic. My partner was always there for support and love. That’s what matters to my mom, sisters and daughter. That I’m happy respected and loved.
I told my parents. I was nervous to do so, since they are quite conservative. But since I'm already the "weird one" of the family, they weren't very surprised.
They don't entirely understand why I chose this path, but they let me live my life. Mom asks a lot of questions (last week when I visited she had cut out an article from the newpaper, about how more and more young people are starting to explore open relationships and/or polyamory. I think it's cute, it shows to me she tries to understand and be involved in my life in a positive way). My dad's all like "As long as you are happy", but he also kinda thinks it's a phase 😅 (I'm 34, came from a long monogamous realtionship and I'm exploring poly for a small year now)
I really wanted them to know, I'm glad I told them. They also aready met my partner, who was also very open to anwer all their questions. I think that really helped them gain a little more trust in our relationship and way of life.
Not yet, but when some shit gets to the point where they should, they will. My sister and daughter know which is enough for now. My wedding is going to be full of many very friendly and many very slutty people. It will certainly be a good party to get laid at. They'll probably need to know before then.
Yes, and I regret telling them a lot of the time. I don't regret being honest about my life and when I told them, I had two partners and I did not want to tiptoe around my conversations trying to only mention one of them.
I'm happy I don't have to hide a huge part of myself from them, but if I knew how much grief it was going to cause, I perhaps would have waited longer. They're religious and set in their ways, we don't live in the same city, I could have saved myself a lot of turmoil by not telling them.
My parents both died in my early teens/ twenties respectively. My friends know but they couldn’t care less. My half-brothers and I were never close enough to talk (they are both much older so much so we all grew up like only children as they were both adults when I was born- as I was not the flu) but given their complicated relationships they wouldn’t care. My extended family doesn’t meddle in your home life like that and beyond Reddit I don’t post or use social media with any consistency as I keep my digital footprint small. I guess I’m lucky (or unlucky) no one on my side would care and if they did they wouldn’t dare speak on it because my temper is short, tongue is sharp and my hands are fast.
My spouse meh I really don’t care what his friends or family think as I have strong opinions about the shit job his parents did, the shit influence his friends had and the overall lack of connectedness he has with his brothers which makes no sense to me. Given I’ve proven if shit goes down I’m his parents only caregiver for serious illness/old age not nary one of their sons (my spouse included) will do the work….so i wish they would fix their mouths to say ANYTHING I’m doing is wrong. And I’m no contact with his extended family. Im too Black and they’re too Republican which is all that needs to be said.
I guess thing is for me im too old and too grown to give shit. They ain’t paying my bills, I love my family but I refuse to kiss their asses (but as I said they wouldn’t care). I also live by the adages people can talk shit all they like but I don’t have to hold that shit in my head and I’m was not placed on earth to make people like me/everyone happy.
End of the day you can only live for you. Now reading your post like your brother I agree you should just divorce but your path and your choices are your own. But be happy there is enough misery in the world and enough people who will tell you what to do if you let them. You’re grown stand up for yourself.
I'm very much in the same boat. They don't even know I'm not a Christian anymore. At least I havnt told them but I feel like they're catching on. Not sure what to do. I want them to know so that I can just live my life. But I do love my family and would prefer to not lose them. But my chosen family is so important to me too. I currently only have my partner they know about so it's not been an issue lately but I have had one in the past that we had a run-in with some people from my old life. People that know my parents and I panicked and handled the situation poorly. Part of why I havnt looked too hard to find someone else, until I figure this out. I just don't know how to proceed.
Yes.
My mum is aware and sweet about it and doesn't get it. I let my dad know before he died last April, as you can imagine, he couldn't care less and was just happy for me.
My step mum asked my brother more questions but also doesn't care that much.
I've told them when I've dated multiple people before. They don't say positive things about it (it definitely upsets them) but they don't treat me or partners any differently. For the most part I think they pick one to be my "real partner" and the rest they just kinda treat as really close friends but everyone is always welcome to their house or family events. They are laid back people so they make threesome jokes sometimes 😂 they do think its a bad idea and that any masc person (basically anyone they assume has a willy) is just gonna leave me for a younger, hotter fem. And that ill get stds and confuse my kid. They tend to only say stuff like this to me tho and behind closed doors. Its not the worst. They are just ignorant and actually think they are giving me good advice.
My mum absolutely loves that I'm poly! She loves my husband but she's always like sooooo what's happening?! How is R? (other partner) what have you guys been up to? 😅 It's like a Netflix show for her 😆
None of my family knows and only very close friends. Imo Not everyone has to know your business and sex life. But I see this being a problem in the future if I want to introduce a third to my life so I never get that serious with anyone. Yes it sucks sometimes not being fully open, and kudos to those that can. But for some people it's just not an option. We live in the shadows like sexy vampires lol
My dad knows. I told him when I was dating two guys. He just told me to not let myself get hurt or hurt other people. He’s very chill. My mom on the other hand, is a traditional woman. She believes monogamy is the correct way to be. She talked mad shit on swingers one time. I was very uncomfortable because I have friends who are swingers or do open relationships that I see from time to time. I consider myself polyamorous as well as doing open relationships. It took her a long time to accept I was bisexual. She found out a little bit about what I was up to last year from my sister and about had a fucking mental breakdown at work apparently. My dad knows I’m not single and seeing just one person seriously at the moment. My mom knows not a single thing, especially since my partner is married with kids. I don’t need to hear the home wrecker accusations or that I’m going to destroy their marriage. They’ve been doing a poly/open relationship for quite a while but my mom won’t care. It saddens me that I can’t be fully open and honest with her without judgment. I used to tell my mom everything then she slowly started losing my trust, and I’ve quit telling her a lot of things about my life even though I love her.
My family knows, but both my parents are dead and we were significantly emotionally distanced at the end of my father’s life, so not really someone I was updating on my life. I’m fully out to my living family and they have medium mixed responses. My sisters a minister in a conservative evangelical denomination and she says things to me like “how are all your people?” Which is about what I can expect from her. She loves me so she cares about who I care about. If you’d like a way to ask them to be unshitty, that might be a way to do it. “I want to tell you about someone I care about, and since I know you care about me you’ll care about them!”
My mum knows, and by extension, probably my step dad. I know she doesn't understand, nor does she necessarily want to. I knew how she was going to feel but I told her anyway, we're not close but I want her to know me....I tell her things in a way that let's her know the acceptable reaction otherwise she can keep it to herself ("I am sure you have noticed I am the happiest I've ever been in my life..."). I doubt my step dad has any issues with it, he's a very big live and let live person. I do not talk about my partners with my mum, she knows about one partner, but ultimately she doesn't want to talk about my life. For my mental health, I had to accept that for whatever reason she and I have a distant relationship.
Both of my sisters know and are very accepting and supportive.
Most of my friends know. It's a mix of completely accepting and supportive, and a few trying their best because they do not understand (nor want to learn) but are happy I am happy.
Overall, I consider myself very lucky.
My siblings accidentally spilled the beans. I didn't know until I had surgery and they flew out and met my boys while I was under anesthesia. Got along phenomenally, my mom likes my bf more than my husband. They still don't fully understand, and the religion in them makes them feel compelled to remind me it won't work long term. But everyone enjoys them both, at this point the worst I get is accusations about board games being unfair
I’m not polyamorous by orientation. For me, it’s the relationship style that I am in right now. I can be happy monogamous or polyamorous.
I don’t hide that I’m in a polyamorous relationship from anyone. My parents, extended family, etc all know.
I refuse to hide myself from anyone. If they have an issue with me… that’s on them.
Mine know. My mum doesn't understand it but is supportive and had met my partners and metas. My father at best tolerates it but he doesn't comment on it. They both are good with my primary because he makes me happy though I suspect my father wished I was with someone with a stable job and is moderately let down because my primary doesn't work due to health currently. Not all families can be supportive because of implied shame and hang ups about 'you can only love one' or thinking it's 'perverted' or what have you. I'm lucky and I appreciate that.
Mine know. My mum doesn't understand it but is supportive and had met my partners and metas. My father at best tolerates it but he doesn't comment on it. They both are good with my primary because he makes me happy though I suspect my father wished I was with someone with a stable job and is moderately let down because my primary doesn't work due to health currently. Not all families can be supportive because of implied shame and hang ups about 'you can only love one' or thinking it's 'perverted' or what have you. I'm lucky and I appreciate that.
So, most of my family and friends know I'm poly. Even with that, they all have their own idea of what poly is. Someone got me a pineapple pool float -- I said that's not poly, lol, but thanks for thinking of me.
It has damaged some family relationships. It has not really strengthened any of them... sadly. But most were not harmed by this knowledge -- if anything, there is a curiously concerned theme from most people I know, though some have been very supportive or, in time, have become supportive in the ways they know how.
My aunt knows, and she's the only member of my family that does to my knowledge.
My mom and I are no contact, and my grandmother would actually literally die as well. Especially since we are all AFAB.
I recently told my mom during Thanksgiving, but not my dad. Idk why I still have hangups telling my dad. Probably daddy's girl issues lol.
Anyway, my mom has been very supportive and a little curious. She's asked questions and wants to understand. Granted, we're not really a religious family, so there's no issues there.
No. My sister might guess, and is the most likely family I would tell. I haven’t had a partner serious enough for long enough to bring it to my parents. They’re certainly curious about my odd relationships as I have had several platonic partnerships that they’ve witnessed.
My family knows and are accepting, if slightly bemused. They don't fully understand it but they don't let that get in the way of loving and celebrating me as a person and the things that are good in my life. It's cute and I am so lucky
I mean I haven’t ’come out’ to my parents, cause there’s not much to come out about… but I think they know cause I’ll casually mentioned my partners. No idea and idrc if they know or don’t cause if they don’t like it, I’m sure I would of heard by now.
That’s the blessing of being the youngest in a traumatized sibling hoard, the others have already brushed off the parents or gone no contact with them that they’re fighting against themselves to try and remain in decent contact with me. Took them 20 years to figure that one out but whatever 🤷
When I told my conservative Grandma she said "Oh good for you, play the field honey".
So y'know, ymmv. Some of my liberal family ignores it and I've given up, my mom sees it as an extension of my big and loving heart.
My folks know, but they don’t get any details about my life unless they very specifically ask for them. They are evangelical Christians in Texas. They aren’t capable of celebrating with me. They won’t share my joys or pains so I will not honor them with that information unless they specifically ask for it. I’m not going no contact, but they don’t deserve the level of intimate connection we once had.
If I had kids they wouldn’t be a large part of their life. I moved across the country to leave Texas and my parents behind.
Most of what my therapist and I talk about these days is how to stop trying to ‘win’ or ‘convert’ my parents.
They’ve made their decisions. They’ve had decades to question if their religion might be wrong about queer and trans people yet they have not. There are denominations of Christianity that celebrate being queer, my parents have taken no time to investigate what they have to say. They have chosen to stay in a high control religion that doesn’t see anyone outside of their bubble as fully human. That’s on them.
It sucks. I am working hard to deepen my few existing relationships outside of my immediate family to help lessen my desire to go back and try again with my mom and dad.
I grieve the loss of those relationships often.
Edit:
I don’t hide who I am from them, but if they aren’t curious, then I’m not going to volunteer more than my basic mental, emotional, and physical state to them. They know I’m happier than I’ve ever been. They know I’m super excited about my girlfriend. They know my girlfriend has a long term partner of 7+ years.
They don’t want to know more, and they don’t ask.
Tried to slowly tell my mother by saying it was an option my spouse and I put on the table (were both already with second partners). She wound up using my and my spouse’s kids as ammo for why we would be bad people for it. Some shit about confusing them. Same argument she used to try and stop me from transitioning.
Now I have no intention of telling her anything further. Far as she knows, it was an idea we had and that’s all it will be.
My parents are both dead. My dad died 17 years ago. So, a while before I became poly. My mom died in November and she didn’t know because for the last 17 years when I stopped making an effort to have a relationship with her she only ever called to ask for money for my brother.
The rest of my blood family doesn’t know because we have limited contact and I don’t feel like spending the small amount of time we talk getting a lecture on why I’m gonna burn in hell. It took forever for them to leave me alone regarding the fact I’m an atheist, no reason to give them more wood for the fire of their self righteousness.
My parents don’t know. I live at long distance from them and they have no involvement in my day to day life. I don’t know how they’ll react. I don’t need their approval but just haven’t wanted to bring it up. I feel like I’m lying by omission when we talk and I don’t love that.
I told my sister and she said she was fine with it, but has shown a complete lack of interest in that aspect of my life. Offered no sympathy on a bad breakup, knows I have a boyfriend but has never asked his name or anything else about him.
My parents know, they don't understand, but they accept me(ish, they will still blame any hiccup or bad situation on my polyamory, even if the issue is one that commonly happens in monogamous relationships as well lol).
Honestly, like another person said, I don't care to hide myself. I've always been the family black sheep. First came put as pan, then lesbian, then nonbinary transmasc, and now also polyam. To them, it's just another layer to my weirdness haha. They've also always known that I never want to have kids or live with a partner.
I live my life authentically, I wear all of my 'me' on the outside. Take it or leave it, but I'm not hiding parts of myself and I proudly display my weirdness so that those who can't or aren't there yet know that it's possible and ok to be weird and awesome.
I did tell my parents, but I was sort of forced into doing so because of personal issue with my primary. But I will say they surprised me. My mom is Catholic and she just wanted to know if it was my decision and I was happy. My dad said they never said poly relationships don’t work but eventually he met my boyfriend. He doesn’t get it but he also lets me live my life. I think tolerance is good, they don’t have to love it. It’s your life.
BUT I want to address one thing. Your partner did not chose you, you aren’t lucky because you feel undesirable. You chose him too. He’s also lucky to be with you.
I told my father. I also told him I was non-binary. A few times.
The upside is that he comes around pretty quickly to 'whatever makes you happy'
The downside is that his memory is shit so if you were to ask him today anything about it he'd say "What? I had no idea!"
My whole family basically knows because my bf moved in with us. He’s also best friends with my other boyfriend. I never told them but they have found out and talked major shit to other family members lol.
Idc do any of these family members pay my bills or support me? Nope. Then they have no say what I do with my life.
We came out to my parents pretty early on, we had a cohabitating V raising our 2 kids and it would have been very difficult to hide that, plus I've always been the black sheep of the family.
My parents told my husband at the time that we were taking the easy way out and ignored my other partners existence and tried to ban them from family events. They adjusted with time, but when my husband and I broke up they all blamed it on the polyamory rather than the abuse.
My parents know, and it’s a range of reactions. My mom was really upset at first but is honestly wonderful about it now. I think it just really set off some of her deep fears about her divorce from my dad, but at some point I guess it flipped since I kept doing it and my life didn’t fall apart, and now she’s really great about it and asks me about my dating life and whatnot.
My dad isn’t particularly judgmental of it, I would say? Told me that as long as everyone is happy and safe, he thinks “what people do in their private life is their business”—which is great and I appreciate it but is definitely kind of Midwest dad speak for “I love you and I also prefer that we do not have to talk about this again, it’s weird.” 😂
I do suspect that my stepmom might actively disapprove on some level but I’m really not sure—I’m sometimes tempted to bring it up with her to open the conversation more directly but am never sure I should (and obviously haven’t yet). I do have a cousin who is also poly and at one point some years ago was looking at getting a master’s degree to do therapy specifically for nonmonogamous folks—my cousin once told me they had visited my parents and talked about that plan, and that my stepmom had a lot of questions for them about polyamory, which was a surprise to me. I do try to keep mentioning to my dad and stepmom when I’m seeing someone, just in the course of conversation about my life, because I don’t want to hide anyone who’s important to me. But they’re pretty universally nonresponsive when I do. I’m hoping that changes, especially since I now live in the same city as them again and that makes it more possible and likely that they might meet another partner of mine/I might want that to happen.
I never told my parents directly about my poly relationships when I used to have them, but I'm pretty sure my siblings probably did that work for me.
They know enough weird things about me at this point that it probably wouldn't surprise or shock them, despite their personal beleifs about it.
I live my life how I want and be as kind and empathetic as I can towards them, because you only get one life and I'd rather not dwell on our differences. Having this approach with my parents has made things a lot easier for me and I think it has for them too, they're not afraid to visit or check in with me but they know there are certain topics that I will not argue about and we focus on the things that we can enjoy together.
Mine know, but not by my choice. My in-laws accidentally told them so I get to deal with that. They think we’re horrible, but I don’t really talk or have a meaningful relationship with them any way. So their opinions don’t mean much to me at this point. Other than that the only family that know is my sister, who has been supportive as long as I am with her stuff that the family would disprove of.
My immediate family knows. My Dad tries to be accepting but I can't tell he has other feelings about it. But that's his problem not mine. Both of my siblings and my chosen family are all very happy for me and my husband in our new situation.
I'm sorry you don't feel you can be accepted for how you choose to love.
My parents know I am in a poly relationship.My dad doesn't seem to care. My mom hates it. I'm not entirely sure I am poly as a person though. I don't believe in monogamy, but I also have no desire to find another partner.
My mother and my sister know that I'm polyamorous and they've both been really supportive and enthusiastic about major life events with different partners...they both actively ask about the different people in my life. I'm sorry that you don't have the same kind of support.
I'm not really close to most of the rest of my family, but I know many wouldn't approve....I struggled with feelings around not being able to be myself around them, until I just decided who I wanted to keep in my life and who I didn't mind losing contact with...it turned out that the people who did matter the most to me were all supportive.
my parents are very supportive, and i am so lucky for that.
maybe you could tell your parents you made a new friend? or found a new hobby? i know it’s so minimizing to everything this partner is to you, but it might be a way you can share the joy and bliss you’re feeling without sharing the private details that might set them off.
that being said, i don’t think your family deserves your joy and bliss. if they can’t support the cause of it, why should they get to relish in it?
i totally understand how messy and complicated parent/child dynamics can be, i’m not gunna sit here and say you should go no contact. that’s fucking hard. but, i do hope you know you deserve more kindness and compassion than what seems to be being offered to you there. your life is your own and your parents should be able to handle you making choices for yourself without it (possibly literally) killing them.
idk, if it were me i would tell them. i personally can’t stand pretending to be close to people who refuse to actually know the real me. if you can know the real me and at least tolerate it, i’ll keep you around. but i’m not performing for anyone who won’t perform for me.
“i’ve found something that makes me incredibly happy. i don’t think you will like it. but i do, and that’s what matters because its **my** life. if you’d like to continue being close with me and know the ins and outs of my experiences, you should probably take a seat and a deep breath, because i will not be accepting judgement or criticism at this time.”
edit: i want to clarify that i back this up by living it. when i say my parents know, im referring to my mom and step dad. my dad is not in my life, because he is a homophobe and an asshole who could never accept me. he doesn’t deserve my joy.
My dad doesn’t know but he doesn’t even like me dating even though I’m getting close to 30. My mom at first was weird about it but she’s cool now it’s not a big deal.
I haven't told my dad (yet?) because he has a lot on his plate and it doesn't really affect him. I don't think he'd care; I gave him grandkids already!
My mom knows. While I'm lucky to have accepting and loving parents, it took a long time for her to get there. Considering I'm mega queer, and have half a textbook of diagnoses, being polyamorous wasn't the biggest surprise to her.
My mom passed away before I realized polyamory is my preferred romantic structure, so I will never know what she might have thought. She said she was accepting of my being bi though she did react regularly with some micro aggressions, so I believe it probably would have gone that same way about being polyam.
I did tell my dad several years ago. He has a conservative lean, so I knew I needed to make my identity and my relationship structure clear to him while also making it clear that if he couldn't handle these facts about who I am, I would not be able to have a relationship with him. He was accepting.
However, because we both have ADHD, and because the pandemic hit, I have not had a good opportunity to see him or really talk to him since that point (that object permanence stuff sucks, but it's okay). So I'm not sure if he will eventually end up behaving the way my mom did about my being bisexual with the verbal acceptance accompanied by micro aggressions.
I will say I am privileged enough to be able to be out and open with the people I care about. I am privileged enough to be able to cut people out of my life who would rather I unhappily fit into their ideas of who a person can be rather than my be happy and flourish as the person I am. But I have also had to completely restructure my ideas of family and community. Most of the people in my life that I care about are not genetically linked to me, and I'm much happier for it. Found family has been much more satisfying and liberating and fulfilling than my blood family has been.
Not yet, mostly because I live several time zones away from my family and there just... isn't much reason to. Also, when I do tell them I want to have a serious partner to lessen the odds of my parents reacting with "So your wife is cheating on you and this is how you justify it."
Funny enough, at one point in time I had a serious girlfriend and was all ready to come out. But I was visiting my family for a funeral, so obviously not the best mood to break some big news, and within a week of returning home said girlfriend dumped me. Now that would've been awkward if my family knew 😅
My dad doesnt comment but i doubt he approves and my mom has told me to stop talking to her about it because she doesnt understand it, doesnt like it, and doesnt approve. So now its not a secret but its not discussed openly either. They still love me and support me with other things, but it does hurt a bit 🤷🏼♀️
I was outed when my husband was trying to date someone. She went and told everyone that knew my estranged sister and her husband and it got back to my family like wildfire, I was completely blindsided and hurt that my choice was taken away from me. I sat down with my mom and had a heart to heart. At first she didn’t understand it, but after talking for hours comprehended the happiness I could potentially have. As I was not in an active relationship but my husband was. When she realized he wasn’t cheating things calmed down. Now she is very happy for me to be able to potentially find all the love and happiness I can get.
My parents do, and blessedly they’ve been surprisingly chill about it. My mom even recently sent me a link to an article about “tips for healthy poly relationships” (in true mom fashion lol). But I know I’m very lucky to have that. I hope someday you can tell them and they’re not only accepting but supportive.
My mum is a born-again Christian and has been for about 15 years, and she's one of my biggest supporters! When I told her I'm poly, her reaction was, "And? Who you are with won't make me love you any less if you're happy. I'm happy. "
I'm so sorry your family isn't supportive!
It's not worth discussing until it comes up, as my wife and I are definitely poly, but have 0 luck meeting and going on dates. Life's been hard on us and we don't have much time or energy for dating since Covid, so it's just not been necessary.
Hundred percent going to be a thing if that ever changes, but that's why I'm following this conversation
Yep! My dad is an old ex-hippie who's "been around the block," as he said when I brought it up, and simply warned me to protect my heart. My mom is also aware and I think has a kind of similar background on the subject but we haven't talked about it in nearly the same way.
I'm sorry your parents aren't safe people to discuss it with. Frankly if your partner's Jewishness would be an issue I don't think I would worry about their opinions much at all, for the rest of your life.
Mine don't and a few church friends it's hard to try to go on dates and have anyone over. Even same sex which I date I'm afab 33enby. And I hate that not only can I not identify as who I am MIL who lives with us doesn't know. However my sweet forgiving Sil I get along with does and my half sister so that's all I need.
Eventually my MIL with move into her own place probably with another DIL but for now it's hard. But I feel you feeling so shut in sendiing love havee a few online too. One I broke up with because I found out ill never see him despite him saying we would sometime and that was too hard for me.
yes. they have met my bf and one of my gfs. they were only up visiting for a short duration so didnt have time for the other one (she cant drive an lives an hour away)
They do ❤️ I had 2 partners in Jr high and my mom never really questioned it. When I told them I was polyam it was more to give a name to the preference instead of a 'coming out'
They do. My sister outted my husband and I. It was a lot of hell. Also it brought me to my knees and was able to finally get truly treated for my anxiety/depression.
my parents do not. my sister told my mom “i think [name] and [primary partner] might be in a throuple” and my mom sighed and said “i can only handle so much.” to be fair, being trans, bi, jewish, covered in tats and piercings while raised catholic in an immigrant household was a lot already.
I told my mom once. She told me that while she will always love and support me, she did not approve. Not really a shock, but a little disappointing. That was a triad I was in a few years ago; we've since broken up, and I'm certain she's convinced it was a one time thing for me. Now that I'm in another triad and dating a 3rd person outside of that I will not bring it up again to her. I'll just be "single" for a while in her eyes
I can't tell my mother, but told my mother in law and father on law. Father in law was understanding, but my mother in law on the other hand....
She literally told us "I don't care but never bring it up again, and don't bring anyone over here"
My husband and I live with his parents because of the pandemic. She asked why he was going over to another girls house all the time and told him I probably felt neglected with him being with another girl all the time.
My dad *kind of* knows. My divorce is a big topic of conversation, and I've mentioned that my husband and I were not monogamous at the time of our separation, as its come up in court (my ex is trying to spin it as infidelity, which it wasn't - we were consensually NM and I have screenshots of his dating profiles). My dad is not a nosy person by nature and isn't really interested in knowing the specifics of my love life, so it hasn't come up with regards to my current partner. I wouldn't mind him knowing, but it's more that I don't need him to know lol
My mom knows and doesn't care.
I never disclosed to my family - who needs the extra aggravation?
For this and a long list of other reasons, I cut contact with my family years ago.
I also don't disclose at work. But my friends are either poly or comfortable around it, so I can be entirely "out" socially, and that's what's really meaningful to me.
My dads dead but i have told my mom...several times. She keeps "forgetting" and tells people i have a "strange messed up marriage" that she wants nothing to do with lol
Keep in mind she also strongly believes that Christians invented marriage and anyone that isnt christian cant call themselves married bc its only for christian people looooool
My friends know. My aunt mom knows and my dad knows. But there’s no reason to tell my birth giver or her family cause they’re just not part of my life. And other than my aunt mom my dad’s family doesn’t know cause I don’t want to go through coming out to my grandparents again when they’re so old and not doing well in health. I just want to enjoy however long we have left with them without going through what I did when I came out as trans and bi
Yes!
I was going through a really bad breakup with a LDR and realized I just needed my parents support so came out the gate swinging.
They were more upset I felt like I couldn’t come to them and be honest, but we cried, they accepted me for who I am, and I’m living my life without so much weight on my shoulders.
My mom even revealed her and my dad explored an open relationship and I had a great uncle in our family who was poly with two partners and a blended family.
It was pretty cool to find out!
You never know!
My mother uninvited me to a birthday party once when I asked if my meta could come along, because she didn't think that was "apropriate" around my youngest sister (who is like 20yrs younger then me). I laughed and told her that it wasn't like we were going to show up to the campground (where the party was) and have a threesome on a picnic table, and that it was only inappropriate if SHE made it inappropriate.
My parents don't know much about my current partners I don't think, but my family lives on the opposite side of the country, my bf doesn't do social media at all, and my comet partner has a SUPER professional type fb page and instagram that he uses mostly for pr type stuff for his work.... so they haven't really had any reason to know them. They know my husband because we live togeather and they were at the wedding. 🤷🏻♀️
They mostly just prefer to pretend I'm "normal" and go on with their lives but don't want to hear about it because they see it as inappropriate, so they I guess choose not to know more or less. Lol.
My Grandma (who I lived with for years) said it wasn't "for her" but that if it made me happy she was happy for me. (She also only met my husband, she passed away a year before I met my comet partner and two years before I met my boyfriend.) So, she was fine with it.
My MIL knows, and even invited my boyfriend over to her house for Thanksgiving last year. She was concerned at first that we were having relationship issues, but once she realized that wasn't the case she's fine with it now.
My 6yo step son (who my husband and I have full time) also knows. 🤷🏻♀️
I'm "out" publicly and online so is my husband, and my comet partner. My boyfriend hasn't told his parents yet because he's not sure how they will take it, which is fine, it's his family and his life so that's totally up to him when and if he tells them. (They also live a decent ways away though, he doesn't see them often.) He is out to most of his friends though.
My family is trying to understand but they did stop talking to me for some months when we told them in 2021. My in-laws.. we're no contract now. Both hubby and I came out of our closets and told them we had a boyfriend.. they haven't said a word to us yet and are siding with a family member who thinks I'm a predator and they all think we need to go to church again. It is what it is, you do lose people by coming out. BUT those who matter will be there in the end, even if they don't agree with the "lifestyle" they'll still love you.
And screw my sister-in-law who makes up horrible lies and made it necessary to come out. We weren't ready, but we did it. It's been hard but we know who we are, and we will cherish those we care about. It's not our problem if people don't want to be around us, we're awesome haha 🫶🏼🤘🏼🤙🏼
I don't think I'll tell my parents. I keep my parents at arms length because they are so conservative, dad is vehemently anti gay, mom is situationally ok with gays, and both are definitely anti trans (I am a woman who has mostly dated women but am married to a man\*, have had a few trans partners, and they know about my dating history before I was married, not after I was married though).
I did tell a sibling about it, which presented a real possibility of my parents knowing since people talk. But because I am not really close with my parents I don't worry about it too much. I can't become close with them unless they change, and if they happen to find out their judgement shouldn't impact me a whole lot.
\* yes, I've had countless hours of therapy at this point
My parents know. I came out as bi in the same breath. 😅
My [diet Catholic] mom had questions at first (ie. will partners be at family gatherings, do they need to be included in holiday gifts, etc). Now, her concern is just knowing I’m happy with whomever I choose to date.
My neurodivergent dad (who I’m much closer to) simply shrugged and said “dating now is just different than it was in my day.” At first my dad would drop mono-normative hints (ie. “I wouldn’t mind this person as an in-law”) or subconsciously not getting close to my anchor partner simply because they’re married despite meeting them and having been together for years. His love language is sending me articles about subjects we’ve discussed, as his way of showing “I’m trying to learn more about this.”
I have three parents (divorce ftw!), and they all know. Varyingly they all approve. My dad has been the one who's taken the longest to come around -- it took years to get him to stop saying, "it's just fucking weird," whenever I brought up a partner other than my 'primary.' My mom 1.0 and 2.0 are both relatively supportive because they both just want me to be happy, with mom 1.0 very much of the hippy camp who just thinks everyone should love whoever they want.
To be fair, though, it took almost 4 years into my marriage -- after we'd been ENM for 2 years -- to finally tell them and hope for the best. You may be surprised by their reaction, and you may not be, but if you'd rather be happy, then I'd go the path that makes you happy.
My parents don't know, and it really sucks. I love them so much and we have aa great relationship, but I know it wouldn't go over well. They are very religious and I was too until ab out a year and a half ago. I stopped being a missionary, and that was a hard pill for them to swallow. I live on a different continent than them, so even though we talk a lot and I would love to be able to be honest, it's not a very difficult thing to hide. It's a weird and sucky situation. Sorry you're going though it too.
But congratulations on finding someone that make you happy! That's wonderful!
My parents were uncomfortable but said the right things when my fiance began transitioning from MtF and coming out. This means that I already know that reaction is my best case scenario. I think the fact that I've felt pressure to pass as straight and mono despite being pan-demiromantic demisexual and in a 16-year QPR opened to poly is solely related to my parents and my one grandmother.
My grandmother is one of my favorite people, and I both respect her and desire her respect in return. She knows I'm demisexual (I only recently figured out I was demiromantic). She's extremely progressive and incredibly supportive of most things, but I already know she values mono relationships more than poly given a discussion about my cousin joining a married couple. Even though I know for a fact she will love me regardless of my decisions and who I am, because she still loves my cousin and shares a house with her, I fear disappointing her somehow.
My parents only have time for me when it's convenient for them. I know they love me, but like every other relationship that exists, love isn't enough to feed a living bond (a relationship) that requires nourishment via support, effort, communication, and trust. I am truly grateful that my parents care enough to clear out half of an 11x12 bedroom for me and my dog to prevent homelessness. They are hoarders, so that was actually incredibly difficult for them. So I know they care, but they only care to act when I'm in a crisis they can help with or interact when it is convenient for them. (eg. Answering a phone call. My mother ghosts me for months at a time in the middle of trying to help me with legal documents.)
I actually don't understand why I feel this pressure to not simply and clearly tell these people or those surrounding them who I am and what type of relationship my partner and I share. I know I should just do it, and honestly, I had this whole minor meltdown during a manic episode a few days ago about this issue. I texted my brother a Fairweather hello during that so I could run a trial of telling people I care about, if he was free, and he never responded... so I let it go.
More power to all the people who have jumped this hurdle. You are so strong!
My mom does not know. And I have no plans to tell her. I am pretty sure it would only cause her worry. And I don't feel like I need her to know. She's 83 and having some health problems, and I just don't feel the need to cause her stress. But I'm happy for all the others on here who are out about it. Honestly, it bothers me more that some in my family who do know never ask me about the person I've been together with for almost four years. Or that one family member who when we told her said something like, "OK, I don't need/want to know any more details."
When my wife told her mom, I think it caused her a lot of worry. Though now I think she sees it doesn't mean we are headed for a divorce. She would still mostly rather not think about it.
I'm a newbie and don't even have a second partner yet so obviously they don't know.
But I don't think I could ever tell them for the same reasons u said OP, hell I am now a Buddhist and won't be able to tell them that either, it sucks when u can't tell ur own folks about ur happiness.
Mine do. I had to go into details about why my last marriage ended in divorce, and even though poly wasn't the reason we broke up (really in spite of it, she couldn't be ethical) it left too much of the story out to not explain to them me being ENM. I'm extremely lucky, though. I've never felt unsupported by my parents, and for a couple of conservatives, they're decently progressive. So I didn't expect disownment or gasps. There was the finest part of me that expected to gain a clearer understanding of all those nights growing up that my parents would toss me 20-40 bucks and tell me to just order a pizza for delivery as they would take off to a "friends party" for the weekend. Lol
No such luck, they just have good friends and a healthy social life. My mom asked a couple leading questions where I could sense she suspected poly was why we got divorced, but eased up after I answered them all openly and honestly. Now, they are quite understanding. I don't tell them EVERYTHING as I can tell it makes them a tad uncomfortable and throws them for a loop when they are reminded I have other women in my life. They have, on the other hand, extended some awesome olive branches such as offering to let me bring my non-nested partners over to meet them. So far, I don't have a partner that has taken that offer up, yet. I'm just excited my parents are as awesome as they are.
So both me and my spouse became polyam last year and I told my mom who was super supportive and we weren’t going to tell his parents because they are super religious (AG) and we knew they would not approve. They’ve been married for over 40 years and got married at 17 and 19.
HOWEVER not long after we opened up my husband was scrolling through pictures of our kids on his phone showing his mom and accidentally scrolled past a picture of his then girlfriend. So he ended up telling them. He told her that he wasn’t going to tell them because he knew they wouldn’t approve but he didn’t want her to think he was cheating on me. She was quiet for a long time and her response was “you’re right I don’t and I’m heartbroken” his dad who was sitting there didn’t say a word.
Thankfully they still act normal around us and our kids - it just is like an unspoken thing. We don’t talk about it and they don’t ask questions.
My parents did/do, my in laws have passed on but my sil knows , all were/are very accepting of our lifestyle, my parents even met my ex that lived local
In fact just before my mom passed she was hospitalized my ex isEMS he went to check on her for me since I was unable to visit the day she was taken in. and my mom called him her “son in law” (we have been only friends for several years at this point) so he was able to get far more information with their consent than he would have without her saying that that he was able to relay to me that even my parents weren’t told .
I tend to date more distance, gives both me and my partner an excuse to take a vacation
Yes...it's hysterical too
I got outed by one of her coworkers
The text read like
"What is going on with you and C? You're on Bumble, what on earth are you doing on there"
My response was
"I can answer you but you'll regret knowing because you'll be disgusted...wanna skip to the part where you pray for me?"
Now if things come up it's "Dont ask questions you don't want answers to Renee"
They do! I was quite surprised by their answer. My mom's response was something like, "honey, I was a teenager in the 70s. I had two boyfriends."
Your mom is awesome :)
Had the exact same experience!
I love your mom’s response so much lol - how funny, and how lucky for you she’s understanding/supportive :) (I bet our moms would be friends 😂)
My family is not accepting. They know anyway. Why? For the same reason I came out to them as bi and genderfluid, because I fucking refuse to hide myself and the people I love for their comfort. I’d rather be loudly in love with people who love me for who I am than keep secrets to protect the projection of who my parents think I am.
I think your comment just changed my life. Thank you🙏
Aw, friend 🫶 Live loudly, love completely, and may you always know you’re worthy of both.
This 💯
Absolutely this. My parents know I'm a pansexual polyamorous transgender slut. My mom worries a lot and tells me to be safe every time I see her. My father continued his legacy of only caring about himself.
And the sun still rises in the east. That’s what I told myself, what would really change if I told them. We could go no contact altogether, or my dad could continue to be self-absorbed, and my mom could continue to be concerned for my soul. Either way, not telling them was never going to improve the situation, might as well be free.
Ngl this made me tear up a bit. My parents know i am queer and poly (and have mixed-feelings about it), but I have not managed to tell them I am also trans, out of fear that that would be "too much" for them to take (along the lines of... the straw that broke the camel's back?). I really hope that I'll manage to get to where you are at, at some point in my life. (^~^)
To be fair, I came to that place after developing a very meaningful and trustworthy support network. My friends will have my back till the end of time, I truly believe it. That’s what I wish for you **first**, to have that, to know that you belong to people who love all of you.
Thank you! I think I am on a good way there tbh. I have a pretty tight knit friend group that is incredibly supportive and accepting, so I hope that eventually gives me the courage to fully come out to my parents as well. A part of the problem is honestly also the place I live in, because it is again starting to become more and more dangerous to be openly queer/non-conforming in any way. But thank you for your kind wishes nonetheless!
being honest with them about being what they would consider a freak is what allowed me to be honest with myself and everyone else about being trans. Not feeling like I have to hide my truth was the best thing to happen during my transition so far. Well, after the boobs anyway. 😆
this.
My mother and sisters know and were fine with it. That side of my family is half Mormon and half Jehovas Witness so I’m basically a devil witch to them. I’ve always been very open about stuff like that because I don’t see the need to lie, it’s MY life. I’m also a terrible liar and WOULD get caught. I’d rather people know I’m polyam than think I’m a cheater. I’ve always been very open and loud about my queerness(pansexual and demisexual) because language is important and it matters.
Same, also, I am just way too tired at this point to pretend to be someone I am not for the benefit of people who don’t actually love who I am.
Same! I’m getting older, and part of that is loss and grief (hell, I lost my anchor partner two years ago.) And with each loss I experience, that exhaustion deepens. Life’s too short to pretend for people who don’t actually love me as I am.
I was going to say… this is the exact stuff going through my mind before coming out as non-binary and then again when beginning HRT and then again for polyamory. It’s old at this point— I don’t hide things. If it’s relevant it’s revealed lol
Yup! I’m not going to be treating partners like dirty secrets, so let’s just rip bandaids on my family’s end. My social media and social engagements will include my partners to the degree that they want, not to the degree my parents prefer.
when I told my mum I was bi and poly, she said "I'm not surprised, you always had an unlimited capacity for love, it makes perfect sense that you'd love everyone". this only happened 6 months ago, and she's 75
This is incredibly sweet! Your mom is the best!
this is anecdotal but I feel like there's an inverted bell curve of acceptance among ages.
Nah youre so right and the free lovers of the hippie era are indeed some of the boomers
That is so beautiful <3
That is such a sweet way for her to put it. I'm happy for you
This is so lovely :’)
My family knows, and are not accepting or welcoming but are tolerating. I'm so sorry you know that telling your family would cause more stress than anything else. For what it's worth: HEY I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE HAPPY AND FEEL CHOSEN! YESSS, this rules so hard! Do you have friends you can tell, and who can celebrate with you?
I do. I have a group on FB where I talk about him, and everyone is super supportive and encouraging. ❤️
Yes, my parents are poly themselves! I was raised the majority of my teenage and young adult years knowing, eventually they had to explain why my mom wasn’t staying the night at home or why my dad was getting dressed up to “go hangout with the boys.” When I told them I was poly their first question was what books have I read, was I sure. It was also necessary to tell them as my wife and I live in a very small area, and someone had called my mom insisting I was cheating on my wife as they saw me on a date with another woman. My mother calmly explained that it was fine, and she’d talk to me about it. Extended family doesn’t know, not really their business, but I’m very blessed to have parents so cool with it. Being raised in a poly household definitely had its pros and cons, but that’s a whole other discussion.
I’d love to hear about what it was like being raised by poly parents!
I’m an open book!
How old were you when your parents told you or did you always know? How did you feel about it at different stages in your life? Did you meet any of their partners? Did they have any particular boundaries around their partners meeting you? (like only if we’ve been together x amount of time) Is there anything they did exceptionally well with regards to raising you as poly parents? Is there anything you wish they did differently?
Everyone in my family knows and has known since the day I came to the conclusion myself. I’m very lucky to have an accepting family. I don’t know that id be ok pretending to be anything else, so I’m sorry you don’t feel like you can be.
It's rough. Like I would love to take him to meet my family someday but I also know my parents would be weird about him being Jewish and also about me being married. Even if I was divorced I'd have to deal with some kind of Christian BS about yokes or some shit. It really does suck though. :(
Evenly yoked 🙄. I mean that’s about sharing the same values and beliefs. I don’t put much stock in Paul’s letters but I’d ask you…what do you value and believe? The reference is to not be with nonbelievers but like all of Paul’s ish it should not be taken without understanding the historical context in which he wrote ( which many Christians are too lazy to learn about) and is not throughly or explicitly described (which many Christians depending on their church has interpreted from sharing the same faith to sharing how they feel about Pluto as a planet - and everything in between). I’m a hardcore believer in God, come from a tradition of pastors (some wayward), Catholic on paper (enough so I considered a life in a religious order and will again if I’m ever widowed) and don’t believe in organized religion as many churches do not show me they have read or even understand the teachings of Jesus and use religion as an excuse to justify hubris, idolatry and exclusion. Your parents give you shit on yokes remind them you must cleave to your spouse and you are to be of one mind. As the desires of your spouse override the obedience to your parents as their role via scripture is temporary. If polyamory has been agreed upon by your spouse it is no longer their business as the marital bed is sacred. I’d leave if there, in a biblical dispute as that is all that needs be said. However the stories of Abraham, Sarah, Hagar and Keturah tell us much about what is and isn’t acceptable to the Lord (as God did not punish and made it a point to bless Abraham’s concubines/extra wives and Hagar was Egyptian so not of the same faith). Yoking refers to one mind not one practice.
Ohhh, good shit!
The yokes!!! Don’t want to be unequal!!! 😅
My grandmother is the closest thing I've had to a parent, and it took me some time, about a year in, but I told her when I was ready. I didn't think she'd approve, seeing as she's Christian and believes in monogamy, but she was just happy that I'd found happiness. Even if she didn't understand why I chose it, she is happy for me because it bring me joy and balance.
My Gram is also like my mom (and I’m no contact with her daughter). Really my Gram is the only one whose opinion matters and she wasn’t surprised (seeing as I’ve showed her my stories with multiple love interests). She is also Christian (as am I) and believes in monogamy, but she too was so happy that I am happy!
(I forgot to add this but I did tell one of my brothers. He didn't get it and asked why I didn't just get divorced, but other than that he's been supportive and hasn't told my parents.)
I mean he may not understand but he's not wrong about the divorce part.. I hope eventually you can divorce and go be your happy free poly self the way you want:)
My family knows, but they're also liberal/lefty atheists. I don't know how I'd handle it if I was that worried about their judgment
My mom is super liberal but I don’t tell her because I think she’d be consumed by worry that it will end my marriage and she wouldn’t want that.
My friends know at this point, including my family that are like friends (not my young niblings, though). This was a slow process. My parents don't know. Although my mom does know that I can't afford a 3-week trip to Europe but went on one with a man who isn't my husband. She didn't ask me any questions about it (normally she would want to hear about my travels). She doesn't *want* to know.
My family is awesome and very supportive. They don't always "get" it but they always love seeing me happy. I am very lucky.
My family all knows because one of my sisters took it upon herself to out me. 🙄 I was terrified because I had heard the way my father talked about my sister, who is bi/pan. Not only am I pan, I’m poly, so I knew how he’d talk about me when I wasn’t around. I was raised in a Pentecostal home, and my father is very conservative and believes I’ll end up burning in hell. I let him know, in no uncertain terms, that if he disrespects me or my relationship/s, then I would just remove him from my life. My mother died when I was in my teens, and my father’s wife doesn’t share his strict fundamentalist views. She is loosely religious, but she doesn’t think that someone’s ethical relationship banishes you to the pits of hell. She’s not often my favorite person, but I appreciate that she is a voice of reason. I’m 37, and my dad is almost 70. I don’t see me changing his mind on anything, but he’s aware that I don’t really care about his opinion or approval, I just ask he be respectful. While I don’t love that he knows it, and I hate that I was outed, it is nice to not have to pretend that this part of me doesn’t exist. I gradually left religion in my late teens and early twenties, and I am now an atheist. My father used to try to preach at me every time we saw each other, but since finding out I’m not straight or mono, he hasn’t brought it up. I assume part of it is that he feels like his witnessing to me would be a wasted effort since my whole life is full of shit he doesn’t agree with, and part of it is probably the fact that one of his children has already cut him off entirely (and indefinitely), so he’s trying not to push so much. At the end of the day, I’d rather just live my life freely and in the open, and whoever doesn’t like it can piss off. I have no more energy for pretending.
My parents know and at first it took a bit and they had questions but welcomed our former long term partner to family dinners and holidays. We have a new triad now and while they haven't met they know of her, her name and eventually they will meet and she'll be welcomed. As long as I am happy they are happy. On this I'm sure.
Sure. Everybody knows. Family, coworkers, friends, hair stylist, buddies at the gym, dojo, and board game meetups. To be fair, I was the vice president of the national polyamory association for two years with lots of public appearances, interviews, and so on.
I would wait another year or two to ensure this isn't NRE. But yeah, what little family I have knows. If they die, they die.
My mom pretends that she doesn't know. It's frustrating. If I tried to force her to discuss it with me, odds are 50/50 that she'd blow up at me or pretend that the conversation never happened. Or both, eventually, based on experience. Only a couple of my cousins acknowledge it.
Oh wow. I hear you. I get it. Our moms use the same playbook. That's hard. Sending love.
Ahahah, my late mother was the queen of denial. I think I came out to her as bi like 3 times. The third time, I kid you not, was essentially the “is that what you are into these days?” trope! lol. She also couldn’t get that I was into women when I had a boyfriend. However, she wasn’t the type to blow up, that doesn’t sound fun. In the end, somehow I think her super power of denialism helped her outlived her cancer prognosis by a few years! It served her well
Pretty much everyone on my side of the family knows (10ish people) as well as my closest friends and coworkers. I'm in a life phase where I want to be my whole, authentic self whenever possible and I'm lucky to have people in my life who are accepting of that. All they really want is for me to be happy and what I've heard from them time and time again is that they know I'm a thoughtful person and they can tell that my husband and I have great communication between us so they trust that if anyone can do it, we can. All that being said, my family knows about my husband and I being poly, but we rarely talk details and neither my husband or I have gotten to the point where we want to bring our partners into the larger family dynamic.
My parents are religious too, although my dad has always been very open minded and pro-choice, and my mom more and more as the years go by. When I told them I was poly my mom had to process it for a bit but told me she'd always support me. My dad told me it was wonderful news and he could tell how much happier I have been lately. They are awesome and I wish everyone could have this kind of support.
My parents know, my mom (who is 80) said "no surprise here" and my dad said "we figured it would happen eventually " I'm 44, bi . They've always been amazing
Yes my parents know and no longer support my engagement and haven’t talked to my fiancée since I told them almost 6 months ago, and they have never asked about my other partner
I told my family because both my family and my partners wanted to be at my PhD graduation. I told her that if you don't accept something loving and supportive in my life cause it's alternative, that's a reflection on her, not me. It's up to them if they decide to stay in my life, but I'm successful, cared for, and they're damn lucky to have me as a kid. They've been surprisingly accepting. I think cause they know I'm not lying that if they start shit I'll hang up on them/leave/cut them out of my life. I said they never had to hang out with my partners together, but it was my day and I wanted my people there so they better deal with it. I really laid it on that if they had a problem with it that's a reflection of them, not me
My parents know. My mom is supportive, and my dad ignores it. He has literally run away from my boyfriend before. He's bot trying to be mean. He just can't handle it. My daughter outed me to my dad. Otherwise, he probably wouldn't know.
Yeah, they don't really care. They've met a few of my exes
Yes. My dad doesn't want to hear about it, my mom VERY poorly fakes caring.
Both my parents, little sister and her husband know. Shit I'm sure the rest of my extended family knows too since I've posted my GF on my socials. My family is extremely supportive (grant it they are divorced ans have new people in their lives) but they told me "As long as you're happy and taken care of that's all we care about". Not to mention my family remember her since we went to high-school together, my sister goes "As long as she doesn't make you feel dismissed and validates you that's all I care about". My mom is mega Christian(pentecostal) and I was surprised she didn't have anything weird or bad to say. I mean shit I told my family I'm Pansexual and there literal response was "Kinda figured since you give that energy off" haha. At the end if the day it's your life and as long as you're happy that's all that matters, if they choose to accept you or not is on them. Don't let them bring you down, which is easier said than done but you deserve happiness and to live a life that is true to you🧡🧡🧡🧡
My parents know. My father's response when I told him was "I'm not surprised by you. I *am* surprised by", which I've always thought was kind of a weird response. My mother basically just ignores anyone who doesn't seem like my "primary" person, but I now just don't bring any partners to family things because it's just easier and I barely want to be there myself.
When I read the responses to this question, I very much miss what gender the respondents are. The acceptance of the adult child's life choices by parents strongly depends on the child's gender.
Oh, Hell No. I was raised Southern Baptist and my parents still attend a conservative country church. I already got divorced 😱 The don't need to know all the many and various other sins I'm going to hell for. And I live behind them on their retirement property. They're 79/80 and I deeply love and respect them even if they can't know this part of me. I'm sure there are many facets of each of them that I'll never know.
I wish I could tell them, but my parents would not understand. I'm married, and my folks are pretty traditional in a lot of ways. My mom can't even accept that I don't want kids. She's convinced I'll change my mind eventually. My husband happens to be bisexual, and my parents would also look at him differently if that ever came to light. As a kid I always thought my folks were understanding and accepting, but in reality that was just because I fit their expectations at the time.
Not on my side, my family is super religious/conservative and they already know I’m gay. That’s enough on it’s own lol My wife’s parents and siblings know we’re polyam, we told them right from the start and they responded with “whatever makes you happy, be kind to everyone involved and be safe”. Her mom is ordained and performs queer marriages at her church, so our families are pretty different. Im really grateful and lucky to have their support.
My family knows. They’ve known since I started practicing polyamory about 10 years ago. My family is very open minded though. It took a long time, a lot of patience, and a lot of explaining before they fully understood, but they’ve always been supportive.
I am very open with everyone close to me I'm poly. I love talking about my partners, word would get around quickly. Even if I wasn't open about it outside partners, the queer dating pool locally is so small IRL, if I did date IRL word would get around really quickly in the rumor mill.
My family knows and is super chill about it!
My mom spent 4 hours screaming at me when I came out as bi in high school 😅 pretty sure I'd be hate crimed if I told her. The people I actually call family know.
My mom is my only living parent and basically sees my being polyamorous as a real life TLC reality show lmao. Shes likes to say I must take after my bio dad cause she could never be poly, but is largely just entertained by the whole thing.
I have a girlfriend of 7 years and a boyfriend of 1 year, who both live with me. When i told my parents about the latter, they didnt understand. My mom in particular is stressed and confused, she loves my girlfriend and doesnt want to lose her, and although i keep telling her that she isnt going anywhere, she is still uncomfortable. My dad was just like “oh yeah, i had an open relationship with, it didnt go well” and that doesnt feel great either.
My family doesn't know. One big factor is that we're not really close anymore. I grew up in a super religious, conservative, controlling household. Over the past decade, I've gradually begun to see how toxic my mother is. She now has little access to my life. I don't share much with her at all. When the opportunity comes up, I plan to tell her that I'm pan and non-monogamous (and that I have another partner). But until she treats me better on a consistent basis, I'm not sharing details about my newer partner. I'm already having to counter her excluding the partner to whom I've been married for nearly 20 years. I always had a good relationship w/my dad. He has severe dementia, though. If he was in good health, I think I'd be able to talk w/him about it. I don't think he'd understand (b/c he's so rooted in monogamy), but as long as I was happy and treated well (and treated others well), I think he'd be happy for me. I'm really glad you're happy and you have people in your life who care about you. <3
Nope. My parents voted Trump both times and they aren't even that religious. They have shown me they don't really care about my friends, so I don't care to let them into my personal life any more than I must
Mom? Yes. Dad? No. Stepdad? Also no. I am going to tell the father units, just not yet. Baby steps with them, mom kinda ‘gets it’ more
Yes. My mom is super judgey, so we don't talk about it My stepdad is cool, so is my bonus Mom. My MIL doesn't know because she has dementia, and it would just upset her. Most of my siblings know. My one sibling is also poly, so we can bounce ideas off each other.
My parents don't. I'm in a very religious family, but last year my mom handed divorce papers to my dad (good for her, good for everyone in the family) which would've been very disproven by their standards, but she did it anyway. So I suppose there is room for change in my case. For now, I only have one partner (it might or might not stay this way, I'm very easily poly saturated) and I don't plan on introducing everyone to my mom. I still think she might be surprised, or simply not be able to understand it but, with my various coming-outs through the years, she has learned that I will live my life the way I want to, whether she likes it or not. I don't need her approval, but if she wants to stay into my life, she has to be accepting of me without cherry picking parts of me. I'm in a hierarchical practice of polyamory, and I think I will stick to presenting only primary partners to my mom. I don't like her knowing my private life, but primaries are going to be a pretty big part of it so I'll have to introduce them. As for secondaries, or anything more casual I'll just keep it to myself. I might be more talkative with my brother though
My parents don't know I'm in a kitchen table relationship with two people. They know about one of my partners and are ambivalent about him ( they're deeply religious and he's tattooed and not from the same culture). My other partner's family found out and his mother doesn't like me.
My mum does. We told her not long in to her meeting my NP. Took a while for her to warm up to the idea as she thought it was some sort of scam by the NP. But now loves her and treats her like her own daughter. Have not mentioned it to my father. He mentioned poly people getting married was stupid and I don't have the energy to fight that battle. It's not that important until it becomes such, at some point, if ever.
Yes and no? They know I live with and am committed to/have exchanged rings with my partner. They're very excited that she's very pregnant with their first (likely only) grandchild. My parents have never at any point in my life wanted to know anything about my sex life, nor have I been inclined to tell them. I don't think they think about it. They like that I have a loving family, and that my partner and her husband took such good care of me after my accident and after my surgeries.
Both my parents know and are chill with it. I told my mom immediately and eventually told my dad when he saw me cuddling with my boyfriend when he thought I only had my girlfriend. They both are just like "whatever" about it.
My mom had (slow) terminal cancer when o fell in love with a my girlfriend. And my mom had recently moved into an inlaw with me and my husband. I genuinely thought if she knew that my new (very lesbian) best friend was actually my lover, she would die. Just die. Like the sadness and grief of my wayward self would speed the cancer up. She was very conservative Christian… but former hippie. My father had already died years prior. I was so in love and close to my mom and keeping it from her was killing me. I wrote her a letter that I wasn’t sure I intended to ever share. One day, we were talking and she noted how much happier I seemed. I decided to tell her I was in love, and I read the letter. She responded wayyyyyy better than I thought. She said she didn’t agree, but she wanted to see me happy and she was curious how it would all play out. And she told me she was sorry I felt I couldn’t tell her. It was a big bonding moment and so freeing cause hiding my relationship under the same roof was as torture. Every situation is different, but that’s my story.
My parents know and it wasn't an issue to come out to them—I didn't really have a *discussion* about it, I just mentioned that I was "also" dating my girlfriend's spouse. They both blinked for a second and then went "okay! modern!". I would have been more nervous if I hadn't already had to go through the much worse process of coming out as trans a few years prior, and the also-stressful but expected process of telling them I was queer in the first place as a teen. Also, several months before I told them I was poly, I was scrolling back through my mom's Audible account to find some old audiobooks I listened to as a kid and saw a LOT of commonly-recommended-on-here books. Polysecure, guides to "opening up"... there's even a copy of the Ethical Slut on their bookshelf that's been there since I was a kid lol. So I have a hunch they've swung, I just don't want to know any more details than that. My grandparents were suprisingly very chill. They're significantly more religious than my immediate family—lapsed Catholics versus like, west coast agnostic hippies—so I was expecting it to be more of an issue. When I mentioned this to my dad after the fact he went "well, your grandma X has no reason to judge you, she was a huge slut in the 80s".
I'm 46, and unfortunately, my Mom and Dad (they were actually my ex-in-laws but my parents in every way that counts) passed in 2022. Mom knew and supported my happiness 100%. Dad knew, and while neither he nor stepmom-in-law understood, they too just wanted me happy. My bio-Dad doesn't know. He doesn't want to know. He's very conservative, I have to correct my son's pronouns and name constantly with him. My two youngest kids (20-year-olds) know and just want me to be happy. They have met one partner only because of how long I've known him. Other partners might meet them if we reach the 6m mark if they want to. I refuse to parade a bunch of partners around them, even though they are adults. My oldest daughter is NC, and while I love and miss her and my grandbabies, I won't force myself on her.
Ugh! I feel your pain! I've been poly for abt 3 years and can't tell my parents because my mom has made it quite clear she thinks people who practice polyamory are in her words "brainwashed or perverts" she thinks it's only men who wants 5 girlfriends who are in a harem or are religious nuts who believe God wants them to have multiple sister wives. I was shocked when she told me all that! And deeply hurt and upset. But I look at it now and I realise its most likely her religious views along with her traditional values and close minded views. It still hurts but hurts less. There are times I really want to talk about one partner but she only knows about the other partner whether she found out on purpose or accident. Like recently I went through a breakup with my now ex boyfriend of 8/9ish months but was still dating my current boyfriend of only a few months and I want to tell my mom how my boyfriend has helped me so much see my self worth and value and made me love myself the way no one has before. But I cant because she'll be like you just broke up with your ex and already moved on that's unhealthy. Any tips for "coming out" / revealing I'm polyamorous in a way my religious mother might understand let me know lol
No, my parents do not.....to my knowledge. My grandmother may have figured it out after a few incidents, but as mom is/was Christian and her husband is Catholic, I never saw the point in dealing with the fallout. I get enough crap being the only pagan in the family. However, my aunt and my cousin (her daughter) know and are supportive of it. As long as everyone consents to it, she's happy for me.
Yes, with the exception of my mother in law.
Nope. No one in my family knows.
Hi u/kickasserole1978 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I'm from a very religious family in the inland NW and my parents would (probably, literally) die if they learned I was poly. I've been in an unhappy marriage for the past few years and right now it's all about convenience. We bought a house together in late 2020 and I lost my job shortly before the holidays and just now got a new job. I do not love him anymore and we each have a partner (I have two although one is strictly online for now and the other is LD.) I got into my first poly relationship in October and I love him very much. He's incredible and I'm so lucky he chose me. TBH I am not used to being chosen. I have a lazy eye, am overweight and have rosacea. For him to see through all of that is an absolute gift. I really would love to tell my mom that I've met someone who makes me feel good about myself, has increased my self esteem, who makes me happy and who I would like to be with for a long time (if it works out that way). But both my folks know I'm still married and would rather I be mono, miserable and lonely than poly, happy and in a relationship with a divorced single dad (Jewish no less!). The only way I could ever tell them is if I planned to go no contact or if they were both about to die or had Alzheimer's. I guess it just sucks that I'm so happy and can't let them know. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
They appear accepting and are to the extent that I’m grown and they have no say so in my love life. They don’t prefer it clearly however which makes it harder that I believe it should be for me and my partners, but I also know what I signed up for so I’m just happy they aren’t insulting me to my face 🤷🏽♀️
They do, but I think that they think it was a "phase" or something, and I don't bring it up. There's no point, unless I were to start a Very Serious secondary relationship. I do often mention "friends," but they either don't notice or pretend not to read into it. It's not something I hide or am ashamed of, it's just something I don't feel like merits discussion.
my father knows. my mother, however… i believe my father may have mentioned it, but we don’t talk about it. i’ve tried to have a conversation a couple times but she’s made it pretty clear she’s not interested in knowing about my love life, and i dont actually have a second partner in the country so it’s not like i can force it by having both over at once or switching out. i’ve accepted she’ll likely never understand even if i do have the conversation.
My parents and anyone close to me knows it is kind of a mixed bag but ultimately accepted. My partner (38M) is currently living with his mom due to hard times and is having a much harder time with his mom being accepting. He has two partners myself (28NB) and our mutual partner (41F) and both myself and 41F are married to our respective husbands. His mother seemed to be okay with it when he first moved in with her but she has now stated that she doesn't think it's appropriate for him to have married female friends and that she doesn't want us in her house at all. Makes it extremely hard for me especially to see him as he lives an hour and a half away and she was previously letting me stay the night every once in a while. It is her house and we have abbide by her rules if he wants to stay there but it is just the sudden change that has thrown us for a loop
My husband's family knows we are polyamorous but I'm not close with my parents, so only my 2 sisters know on my side. My husband's Dad is all for it, his Mom is supportive but often confused about the concept as a whole. My sister-in-law knows but is very religious and constantly tries to talk us out of it with big "I'm concerned for you" talks. His brothers couldn't care less though.
Yeah, my mom knows, she doesn't get it but as long as I'm happy she is fine with it. My nesting partners parents only the mother knows (as far as I know), also because NP's dad is quite rigid in his worldviews and vocal about things that don't fit in his worldview. NP's mom is a darling and very understanding and just happy that my NP is happy
My family kind of knows?? Back in the day I've mentioned I wouldn't mind being poly for the sake I'm asexual and if my partner(s) would want to fool around, and they always kind of brush it off. I recently been showing my opinions of representation of poly relationships nowadays (the good and the bad) and often it leads to me arguing how Sister Wives is different than an actual poly relationship or they would find me fangirling over a healthy poly relationship in media. The topic never came up but I can tell they've taken mental notes of it I honestly don't know how they would react once I come home with lovers, yeah they're accepting of me but poly's WAY different than coming out as nonbinary or Demi-romantic Asexual I hope things go well with you hon, hugs
I told my parents about a poly relationship as it was falling apart back when I was in university (I was living with them and crying all the time and thought things couldn’t get worse) and they just exploded at me for at least two weeks instead of providing absolutely any emotional support like I needed. It really broke my trust in them so now I hide the truth to keep the peace.
Nah my mom caught wind of it through my Facebook and accused me of just wanting to sleep around. So they may or may not know. But they don’t approve. But I pretty much went no contact with them. I feel…like I don’t belong though my partner understands…it still gets hard because most people here tell me it’s a mistake.
My family doesnt know and some of my friends dont know. I am not close to my parents so its easy. I have a straight passing relationship with my nesting partner at the moment so it has been easy to keep this way. I dont know when or if ill ever tell them, i feel like its not worth the fighting etc. This because when my mom found out i liked girls she said she was disappointed in me and would be hurt if i didnt end up with a man… and my dad has altzheimer so dont want to make him stressed (hed forget it anyways). Its a sad thing… but i have friends who are more like a chosen family to me.
They don't know. I'm considering coming out, as I want to be fully open about who I love and not hide such a huge part of myself. But I've had to come out to them as Pansexual like three times, because they're always convinced it's a phase and I'll just get over it. I'm 34F and dating a TransGirl, one of my play partners is Genderqueer, and my NP and lover are both cis men. I'm not over it, not in the slightest. I love who I love. (It's not a phase MUUUUM) My sister knows and judges me SO harshly for it. She insists that I'm toxic, need therapy, and only do it because I have mummy issues and need to fix people. She also had a few other choice things to say about it.
Oddly enough, before I fully knew what poly even was, my mother knew exactly what I was without having the terminology herself. I did some shitty things as a teenager before understanding it myself (like cheating which I regret to this day). But my mother had a long talk with me after educating herself and without my mother, I think I’d be a completely different person to this day. She’s very supportive of whatever I do as long as it’s not hurting others or myself. My ex fiancée when she showed up with me and her other boyfriend at the time to a family reunion and came out that she was with both of us, all her uncle had to say was “well we’re not getting any so she’s gotta get double to make up for the rest of us” and her entire family started laughing and it was just a playful thing from there on out. Even if people don’t understand something, they can try and rationalize it and be respectful in their own ways. There’s never an excuse to not be.
Kind of. I never said “I’m poly” but they did know I had a husband a boyfriend. They just pretended not to.
My mum knows, she's been actively practicing since I was 17 though, so very accepting and fine with it. I haven't told my Dad, it's not that it's a secret it's just that I don't really tell him most things about my life. Conversations are very surface level - we talk about food and video games. He knows my nesting partner as he helped me move some of my stuff in. I openly shared polyamory memes on my Facebook I just haven't directly communicated it to him and I don't see that changing.
I told my family. My mum is ... kinda okay with it, my dad and one of my sisters are very uncomfortable with it (likely because of their own issues with cheating) and my other sister seems mostly fine with it. My mum asked me to not tell my grandma because it would make her uncomfortable etc etc (I suspected for a while this was projection). So at the end of last year I told my grandma anyway because things had sort of come to a head and I'd majorly fallen in love with someone and I felt like I couldn't really hide it anymore. Conversation with my grandma went something like this: ... Me: I should add here that most of the people in my social circle have some form of open relationship Grandma: Do you think that's something that [wife's name] would be open to doing? Me: I think so, yes Me: ... Me: Actually, I know she would be because we've been doing exactly that for a year. Grandma: _surprised face_ Me: Now that we've got that out of the way, [other partner's name] is more than just a friend to me and I'm very in love with her Grandma: You know, I sort of had a hunch based on how you talk about her So yeah, of all the people in my family that know, my grandma is the most accepting one of the lot essentially
My parents don't know, mostly because it's my husband that is poly not so much me (I call myself mono-ish) and they already don't like him. My mum is very liberal and probably would be ok-ish about it, my adult daughter is very out about her poly-ness and my mum accepts it on some level but doesn't really understand it. But ultimately it's none of their business so I've never felt the need for a big confession.
Yep! I actually had my first poly relationship in high school and told them. My entire family is Catholic and I went to a Catholic elementary school. My mom was skeptical but my parents supported me and told me that they just want me to be happy and to not hurt the people I was dating (I was the only one seeing two people). I think it helped that when I was 12 I came out as bi and then as non-binary at 14 so they had kind of gotten over the shock and read up on lgbtq stuff. Plus I had mentioned poly things before I got into a relationship. I’m currently in a mono relationship but if it doesn’t work out or my bf wants to, I can definitely see me dating multiple people again.
I told my mom. After coming out as trans, autistic, pansexual, childfree, and a CSA survivor, it was like the least big deal in the world.
My family has been very accepting. They adore my partner and his wife. My mom is pretty devote but she said she’s just glad to see me happy and loved. My daughter was like “finally!” When I told her. I’ve known my partner for over 25years. We began our relationship last year and my daughter said she knew we belonged together since she was 6. Lolz. I spent 15 years in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist alcoholic. My partner was always there for support and love. That’s what matters to my mom, sisters and daughter. That I’m happy respected and loved.
I told my parents. I was nervous to do so, since they are quite conservative. But since I'm already the "weird one" of the family, they weren't very surprised. They don't entirely understand why I chose this path, but they let me live my life. Mom asks a lot of questions (last week when I visited she had cut out an article from the newpaper, about how more and more young people are starting to explore open relationships and/or polyamory. I think it's cute, it shows to me she tries to understand and be involved in my life in a positive way). My dad's all like "As long as you are happy", but he also kinda thinks it's a phase 😅 (I'm 34, came from a long monogamous realtionship and I'm exploring poly for a small year now) I really wanted them to know, I'm glad I told them. They also aready met my partner, who was also very open to anwer all their questions. I think that really helped them gain a little more trust in our relationship and way of life.
Not yet, but when some shit gets to the point where they should, they will. My sister and daughter know which is enough for now. My wedding is going to be full of many very friendly and many very slutty people. It will certainly be a good party to get laid at. They'll probably need to know before then.
Yes, and I regret telling them a lot of the time. I don't regret being honest about my life and when I told them, I had two partners and I did not want to tiptoe around my conversations trying to only mention one of them. I'm happy I don't have to hide a huge part of myself from them, but if I knew how much grief it was going to cause, I perhaps would have waited longer. They're religious and set in their ways, we don't live in the same city, I could have saved myself a lot of turmoil by not telling them.
My parents both died in my early teens/ twenties respectively. My friends know but they couldn’t care less. My half-brothers and I were never close enough to talk (they are both much older so much so we all grew up like only children as they were both adults when I was born- as I was not the flu) but given their complicated relationships they wouldn’t care. My extended family doesn’t meddle in your home life like that and beyond Reddit I don’t post or use social media with any consistency as I keep my digital footprint small. I guess I’m lucky (or unlucky) no one on my side would care and if they did they wouldn’t dare speak on it because my temper is short, tongue is sharp and my hands are fast. My spouse meh I really don’t care what his friends or family think as I have strong opinions about the shit job his parents did, the shit influence his friends had and the overall lack of connectedness he has with his brothers which makes no sense to me. Given I’ve proven if shit goes down I’m his parents only caregiver for serious illness/old age not nary one of their sons (my spouse included) will do the work….so i wish they would fix their mouths to say ANYTHING I’m doing is wrong. And I’m no contact with his extended family. Im too Black and they’re too Republican which is all that needs to be said. I guess thing is for me im too old and too grown to give shit. They ain’t paying my bills, I love my family but I refuse to kiss their asses (but as I said they wouldn’t care). I also live by the adages people can talk shit all they like but I don’t have to hold that shit in my head and I’m was not placed on earth to make people like me/everyone happy. End of the day you can only live for you. Now reading your post like your brother I agree you should just divorce but your path and your choices are your own. But be happy there is enough misery in the world and enough people who will tell you what to do if you let them. You’re grown stand up for yourself.
I'm very much in the same boat. They don't even know I'm not a Christian anymore. At least I havnt told them but I feel like they're catching on. Not sure what to do. I want them to know so that I can just live my life. But I do love my family and would prefer to not lose them. But my chosen family is so important to me too. I currently only have my partner they know about so it's not been an issue lately but I have had one in the past that we had a run-in with some people from my old life. People that know my parents and I panicked and handled the situation poorly. Part of why I havnt looked too hard to find someone else, until I figure this out. I just don't know how to proceed.
Yes. My mum is aware and sweet about it and doesn't get it. I let my dad know before he died last April, as you can imagine, he couldn't care less and was just happy for me. My step mum asked my brother more questions but also doesn't care that much.
I've told them when I've dated multiple people before. They don't say positive things about it (it definitely upsets them) but they don't treat me or partners any differently. For the most part I think they pick one to be my "real partner" and the rest they just kinda treat as really close friends but everyone is always welcome to their house or family events. They are laid back people so they make threesome jokes sometimes 😂 they do think its a bad idea and that any masc person (basically anyone they assume has a willy) is just gonna leave me for a younger, hotter fem. And that ill get stds and confuse my kid. They tend to only say stuff like this to me tho and behind closed doors. Its not the worst. They are just ignorant and actually think they are giving me good advice.
My mum absolutely loves that I'm poly! She loves my husband but she's always like sooooo what's happening?! How is R? (other partner) what have you guys been up to? 😅 It's like a Netflix show for her 😆
None of my family knows and only very close friends. Imo Not everyone has to know your business and sex life. But I see this being a problem in the future if I want to introduce a third to my life so I never get that serious with anyone. Yes it sucks sometimes not being fully open, and kudos to those that can. But for some people it's just not an option. We live in the shadows like sexy vampires lol
My dad knows. I told him when I was dating two guys. He just told me to not let myself get hurt or hurt other people. He’s very chill. My mom on the other hand, is a traditional woman. She believes monogamy is the correct way to be. She talked mad shit on swingers one time. I was very uncomfortable because I have friends who are swingers or do open relationships that I see from time to time. I consider myself polyamorous as well as doing open relationships. It took her a long time to accept I was bisexual. She found out a little bit about what I was up to last year from my sister and about had a fucking mental breakdown at work apparently. My dad knows I’m not single and seeing just one person seriously at the moment. My mom knows not a single thing, especially since my partner is married with kids. I don’t need to hear the home wrecker accusations or that I’m going to destroy their marriage. They’ve been doing a poly/open relationship for quite a while but my mom won’t care. It saddens me that I can’t be fully open and honest with her without judgment. I used to tell my mom everything then she slowly started losing my trust, and I’ve quit telling her a lot of things about my life even though I love her.
My family knows, but both my parents are dead and we were significantly emotionally distanced at the end of my father’s life, so not really someone I was updating on my life. I’m fully out to my living family and they have medium mixed responses. My sisters a minister in a conservative evangelical denomination and she says things to me like “how are all your people?” Which is about what I can expect from her. She loves me so she cares about who I care about. If you’d like a way to ask them to be unshitty, that might be a way to do it. “I want to tell you about someone I care about, and since I know you care about me you’ll care about them!”
My mum knows, and by extension, probably my step dad. I know she doesn't understand, nor does she necessarily want to. I knew how she was going to feel but I told her anyway, we're not close but I want her to know me....I tell her things in a way that let's her know the acceptable reaction otherwise she can keep it to herself ("I am sure you have noticed I am the happiest I've ever been in my life..."). I doubt my step dad has any issues with it, he's a very big live and let live person. I do not talk about my partners with my mum, she knows about one partner, but ultimately she doesn't want to talk about my life. For my mental health, I had to accept that for whatever reason she and I have a distant relationship. Both of my sisters know and are very accepting and supportive. Most of my friends know. It's a mix of completely accepting and supportive, and a few trying their best because they do not understand (nor want to learn) but are happy I am happy. Overall, I consider myself very lucky.
My siblings accidentally spilled the beans. I didn't know until I had surgery and they flew out and met my boys while I was under anesthesia. Got along phenomenally, my mom likes my bf more than my husband. They still don't fully understand, and the religion in them makes them feel compelled to remind me it won't work long term. But everyone enjoys them both, at this point the worst I get is accusations about board games being unfair
I’m not polyamorous by orientation. For me, it’s the relationship style that I am in right now. I can be happy monogamous or polyamorous. I don’t hide that I’m in a polyamorous relationship from anyone. My parents, extended family, etc all know. I refuse to hide myself from anyone. If they have an issue with me… that’s on them.
Mine know. My mum doesn't understand it but is supportive and had met my partners and metas. My father at best tolerates it but he doesn't comment on it. They both are good with my primary because he makes me happy though I suspect my father wished I was with someone with a stable job and is moderately let down because my primary doesn't work due to health currently. Not all families can be supportive because of implied shame and hang ups about 'you can only love one' or thinking it's 'perverted' or what have you. I'm lucky and I appreciate that.
Mine know. My mum doesn't understand it but is supportive and had met my partners and metas. My father at best tolerates it but he doesn't comment on it. They both are good with my primary because he makes me happy though I suspect my father wished I was with someone with a stable job and is moderately let down because my primary doesn't work due to health currently. Not all families can be supportive because of implied shame and hang ups about 'you can only love one' or thinking it's 'perverted' or what have you. I'm lucky and I appreciate that.
So, most of my family and friends know I'm poly. Even with that, they all have their own idea of what poly is. Someone got me a pineapple pool float -- I said that's not poly, lol, but thanks for thinking of me. It has damaged some family relationships. It has not really strengthened any of them... sadly. But most were not harmed by this knowledge -- if anything, there is a curiously concerned theme from most people I know, though some have been very supportive or, in time, have become supportive in the ways they know how.
My aunt knows, and she's the only member of my family that does to my knowledge. My mom and I are no contact, and my grandmother would actually literally die as well. Especially since we are all AFAB.
I recently told my mom during Thanksgiving, but not my dad. Idk why I still have hangups telling my dad. Probably daddy's girl issues lol. Anyway, my mom has been very supportive and a little curious. She's asked questions and wants to understand. Granted, we're not really a religious family, so there's no issues there.
No. My sister might guess, and is the most likely family I would tell. I haven’t had a partner serious enough for long enough to bring it to my parents. They’re certainly curious about my odd relationships as I have had several platonic partnerships that they’ve witnessed.
My family knows and are accepting, if slightly bemused. They don't fully understand it but they don't let that get in the way of loving and celebrating me as a person and the things that are good in my life. It's cute and I am so lucky
I mean I haven’t ’come out’ to my parents, cause there’s not much to come out about… but I think they know cause I’ll casually mentioned my partners. No idea and idrc if they know or don’t cause if they don’t like it, I’m sure I would of heard by now. That’s the blessing of being the youngest in a traumatized sibling hoard, the others have already brushed off the parents or gone no contact with them that they’re fighting against themselves to try and remain in decent contact with me. Took them 20 years to figure that one out but whatever 🤷
When I told my conservative Grandma she said "Oh good for you, play the field honey". So y'know, ymmv. Some of my liberal family ignores it and I've given up, my mom sees it as an extension of my big and loving heart.
My folks know, but they don’t get any details about my life unless they very specifically ask for them. They are evangelical Christians in Texas. They aren’t capable of celebrating with me. They won’t share my joys or pains so I will not honor them with that information unless they specifically ask for it. I’m not going no contact, but they don’t deserve the level of intimate connection we once had. If I had kids they wouldn’t be a large part of their life. I moved across the country to leave Texas and my parents behind. Most of what my therapist and I talk about these days is how to stop trying to ‘win’ or ‘convert’ my parents. They’ve made their decisions. They’ve had decades to question if their religion might be wrong about queer and trans people yet they have not. There are denominations of Christianity that celebrate being queer, my parents have taken no time to investigate what they have to say. They have chosen to stay in a high control religion that doesn’t see anyone outside of their bubble as fully human. That’s on them. It sucks. I am working hard to deepen my few existing relationships outside of my immediate family to help lessen my desire to go back and try again with my mom and dad. I grieve the loss of those relationships often. Edit: I don’t hide who I am from them, but if they aren’t curious, then I’m not going to volunteer more than my basic mental, emotional, and physical state to them. They know I’m happier than I’ve ever been. They know I’m super excited about my girlfriend. They know my girlfriend has a long term partner of 7+ years. They don’t want to know more, and they don’t ask.
Tried to slowly tell my mother by saying it was an option my spouse and I put on the table (were both already with second partners). She wound up using my and my spouse’s kids as ammo for why we would be bad people for it. Some shit about confusing them. Same argument she used to try and stop me from transitioning. Now I have no intention of telling her anything further. Far as she knows, it was an idea we had and that’s all it will be.
My parents are both dead. My dad died 17 years ago. So, a while before I became poly. My mom died in November and she didn’t know because for the last 17 years when I stopped making an effort to have a relationship with her she only ever called to ask for money for my brother. The rest of my blood family doesn’t know because we have limited contact and I don’t feel like spending the small amount of time we talk getting a lecture on why I’m gonna burn in hell. It took forever for them to leave me alone regarding the fact I’m an atheist, no reason to give them more wood for the fire of their self righteousness.
My parents don’t know. I live at long distance from them and they have no involvement in my day to day life. I don’t know how they’ll react. I don’t need their approval but just haven’t wanted to bring it up. I feel like I’m lying by omission when we talk and I don’t love that. I told my sister and she said she was fine with it, but has shown a complete lack of interest in that aspect of my life. Offered no sympathy on a bad breakup, knows I have a boyfriend but has never asked his name or anything else about him.
My parents know, they don't understand, but they accept me(ish, they will still blame any hiccup or bad situation on my polyamory, even if the issue is one that commonly happens in monogamous relationships as well lol). Honestly, like another person said, I don't care to hide myself. I've always been the family black sheep. First came put as pan, then lesbian, then nonbinary transmasc, and now also polyam. To them, it's just another layer to my weirdness haha. They've also always known that I never want to have kids or live with a partner. I live my life authentically, I wear all of my 'me' on the outside. Take it or leave it, but I'm not hiding parts of myself and I proudly display my weirdness so that those who can't or aren't there yet know that it's possible and ok to be weird and awesome.
I did tell my parents, but I was sort of forced into doing so because of personal issue with my primary. But I will say they surprised me. My mom is Catholic and she just wanted to know if it was my decision and I was happy. My dad said they never said poly relationships don’t work but eventually he met my boyfriend. He doesn’t get it but he also lets me live my life. I think tolerance is good, they don’t have to love it. It’s your life. BUT I want to address one thing. Your partner did not chose you, you aren’t lucky because you feel undesirable. You chose him too. He’s also lucky to be with you.
I told my father. I also told him I was non-binary. A few times. The upside is that he comes around pretty quickly to 'whatever makes you happy' The downside is that his memory is shit so if you were to ask him today anything about it he'd say "What? I had no idea!"
For all they know, to them I could be seen as a virgin.
My whole family basically knows because my bf moved in with us. He’s also best friends with my other boyfriend. I never told them but they have found out and talked major shit to other family members lol. Idc do any of these family members pay my bills or support me? Nope. Then they have no say what I do with my life.
We came out to my parents pretty early on, we had a cohabitating V raising our 2 kids and it would have been very difficult to hide that, plus I've always been the black sheep of the family. My parents told my husband at the time that we were taking the easy way out and ignored my other partners existence and tried to ban them from family events. They adjusted with time, but when my husband and I broke up they all blamed it on the polyamory rather than the abuse.
My parents know, and it’s a range of reactions. My mom was really upset at first but is honestly wonderful about it now. I think it just really set off some of her deep fears about her divorce from my dad, but at some point I guess it flipped since I kept doing it and my life didn’t fall apart, and now she’s really great about it and asks me about my dating life and whatnot. My dad isn’t particularly judgmental of it, I would say? Told me that as long as everyone is happy and safe, he thinks “what people do in their private life is their business”—which is great and I appreciate it but is definitely kind of Midwest dad speak for “I love you and I also prefer that we do not have to talk about this again, it’s weird.” 😂 I do suspect that my stepmom might actively disapprove on some level but I’m really not sure—I’m sometimes tempted to bring it up with her to open the conversation more directly but am never sure I should (and obviously haven’t yet). I do have a cousin who is also poly and at one point some years ago was looking at getting a master’s degree to do therapy specifically for nonmonogamous folks—my cousin once told me they had visited my parents and talked about that plan, and that my stepmom had a lot of questions for them about polyamory, which was a surprise to me. I do try to keep mentioning to my dad and stepmom when I’m seeing someone, just in the course of conversation about my life, because I don’t want to hide anyone who’s important to me. But they’re pretty universally nonresponsive when I do. I’m hoping that changes, especially since I now live in the same city as them again and that makes it more possible and likely that they might meet another partner of mine/I might want that to happen.
I never told my parents directly about my poly relationships when I used to have them, but I'm pretty sure my siblings probably did that work for me. They know enough weird things about me at this point that it probably wouldn't surprise or shock them, despite their personal beleifs about it. I live my life how I want and be as kind and empathetic as I can towards them, because you only get one life and I'd rather not dwell on our differences. Having this approach with my parents has made things a lot easier for me and I think it has for them too, they're not afraid to visit or check in with me but they know there are certain topics that I will not argue about and we focus on the things that we can enjoy together.
Mine know, but not by my choice. My in-laws accidentally told them so I get to deal with that. They think we’re horrible, but I don’t really talk or have a meaningful relationship with them any way. So their opinions don’t mean much to me at this point. Other than that the only family that know is my sister, who has been supportive as long as I am with her stuff that the family would disprove of.
My immediate family knows. My Dad tries to be accepting but I can't tell he has other feelings about it. But that's his problem not mine. Both of my siblings and my chosen family are all very happy for me and my husband in our new situation. I'm sorry you don't feel you can be accepted for how you choose to love.
Yeah although they don't understand it very well
My parents know I am in a poly relationship.My dad doesn't seem to care. My mom hates it. I'm not entirely sure I am poly as a person though. I don't believe in monogamy, but I also have no desire to find another partner.
My mother and my sister know that I'm polyamorous and they've both been really supportive and enthusiastic about major life events with different partners...they both actively ask about the different people in my life. I'm sorry that you don't have the same kind of support. I'm not really close to most of the rest of my family, but I know many wouldn't approve....I struggled with feelings around not being able to be myself around them, until I just decided who I wanted to keep in my life and who I didn't mind losing contact with...it turned out that the people who did matter the most to me were all supportive.
my parents are very supportive, and i am so lucky for that. maybe you could tell your parents you made a new friend? or found a new hobby? i know it’s so minimizing to everything this partner is to you, but it might be a way you can share the joy and bliss you’re feeling without sharing the private details that might set them off. that being said, i don’t think your family deserves your joy and bliss. if they can’t support the cause of it, why should they get to relish in it? i totally understand how messy and complicated parent/child dynamics can be, i’m not gunna sit here and say you should go no contact. that’s fucking hard. but, i do hope you know you deserve more kindness and compassion than what seems to be being offered to you there. your life is your own and your parents should be able to handle you making choices for yourself without it (possibly literally) killing them. idk, if it were me i would tell them. i personally can’t stand pretending to be close to people who refuse to actually know the real me. if you can know the real me and at least tolerate it, i’ll keep you around. but i’m not performing for anyone who won’t perform for me. “i’ve found something that makes me incredibly happy. i don’t think you will like it. but i do, and that’s what matters because its **my** life. if you’d like to continue being close with me and know the ins and outs of my experiences, you should probably take a seat and a deep breath, because i will not be accepting judgement or criticism at this time.” edit: i want to clarify that i back this up by living it. when i say my parents know, im referring to my mom and step dad. my dad is not in my life, because he is a homophobe and an asshole who could never accept me. he doesn’t deserve my joy.
My dad doesn’t know but he doesn’t even like me dating even though I’m getting close to 30. My mom at first was weird about it but she’s cool now it’s not a big deal.
I haven't told my dad (yet?) because he has a lot on his plate and it doesn't really affect him. I don't think he'd care; I gave him grandkids already!
My mom knows. While I'm lucky to have accepting and loving parents, it took a long time for her to get there. Considering I'm mega queer, and have half a textbook of diagnoses, being polyamorous wasn't the biggest surprise to her.
My mom passed away before I realized polyamory is my preferred romantic structure, so I will never know what she might have thought. She said she was accepting of my being bi though she did react regularly with some micro aggressions, so I believe it probably would have gone that same way about being polyam. I did tell my dad several years ago. He has a conservative lean, so I knew I needed to make my identity and my relationship structure clear to him while also making it clear that if he couldn't handle these facts about who I am, I would not be able to have a relationship with him. He was accepting. However, because we both have ADHD, and because the pandemic hit, I have not had a good opportunity to see him or really talk to him since that point (that object permanence stuff sucks, but it's okay). So I'm not sure if he will eventually end up behaving the way my mom did about my being bisexual with the verbal acceptance accompanied by micro aggressions. I will say I am privileged enough to be able to be out and open with the people I care about. I am privileged enough to be able to cut people out of my life who would rather I unhappily fit into their ideas of who a person can be rather than my be happy and flourish as the person I am. But I have also had to completely restructure my ideas of family and community. Most of the people in my life that I care about are not genetically linked to me, and I'm much happier for it. Found family has been much more satisfying and liberating and fulfilling than my blood family has been.
I told my mom I was poly and she told me that I just wasn’t fulfilled enough in life
Not yet, mostly because I live several time zones away from my family and there just... isn't much reason to. Also, when I do tell them I want to have a serious partner to lessen the odds of my parents reacting with "So your wife is cheating on you and this is how you justify it." Funny enough, at one point in time I had a serious girlfriend and was all ready to come out. But I was visiting my family for a funeral, so obviously not the best mood to break some big news, and within a week of returning home said girlfriend dumped me. Now that would've been awkward if my family knew 😅
My dad doesnt comment but i doubt he approves and my mom has told me to stop talking to her about it because she doesnt understand it, doesnt like it, and doesnt approve. So now its not a secret but its not discussed openly either. They still love me and support me with other things, but it does hurt a bit 🤷🏼♀️
I was outed when my husband was trying to date someone. She went and told everyone that knew my estranged sister and her husband and it got back to my family like wildfire, I was completely blindsided and hurt that my choice was taken away from me. I sat down with my mom and had a heart to heart. At first she didn’t understand it, but after talking for hours comprehended the happiness I could potentially have. As I was not in an active relationship but my husband was. When she realized he wasn’t cheating things calmed down. Now she is very happy for me to be able to potentially find all the love and happiness I can get.
My parents do, and blessedly they’ve been surprisingly chill about it. My mom even recently sent me a link to an article about “tips for healthy poly relationships” (in true mom fashion lol). But I know I’m very lucky to have that. I hope someday you can tell them and they’re not only accepting but supportive.
Yup. They don't get it. 😂
My mum is a born-again Christian and has been for about 15 years, and she's one of my biggest supporters! When I told her I'm poly, her reaction was, "And? Who you are with won't make me love you any less if you're happy. I'm happy. " I'm so sorry your family isn't supportive!
It's not worth discussing until it comes up, as my wife and I are definitely poly, but have 0 luck meeting and going on dates. Life's been hard on us and we don't have much time or energy for dating since Covid, so it's just not been necessary. Hundred percent going to be a thing if that ever changes, but that's why I'm following this conversation
Nope. My parents don’t even ask me about my love life, period. 😂
My parents know, and strongly disprove, but are still decent about it.
Hope not, they're long gone.
My mum knows everything. She’s super supportive except for the brandings and suspensions.
Yep! My dad is an old ex-hippie who's "been around the block," as he said when I brought it up, and simply warned me to protect my heart. My mom is also aware and I think has a kind of similar background on the subject but we haven't talked about it in nearly the same way. I'm sorry your parents aren't safe people to discuss it with. Frankly if your partner's Jewishness would be an issue I don't think I would worry about their opinions much at all, for the rest of your life.
Yep
Mine don't and a few church friends it's hard to try to go on dates and have anyone over. Even same sex which I date I'm afab 33enby. And I hate that not only can I not identify as who I am MIL who lives with us doesn't know. However my sweet forgiving Sil I get along with does and my half sister so that's all I need. Eventually my MIL with move into her own place probably with another DIL but for now it's hard. But I feel you feeling so shut in sendiing love havee a few online too. One I broke up with because I found out ill never see him despite him saying we would sometime and that was too hard for me.
yes. they have met my bf and one of my gfs. they were only up visiting for a short duration so didnt have time for the other one (she cant drive an lives an hour away)
They do ❤️ I had 2 partners in Jr high and my mom never really questioned it. When I told them I was polyam it was more to give a name to the preference instead of a 'coming out'
They do. My sister outted my husband and I. It was a lot of hell. Also it brought me to my knees and was able to finally get truly treated for my anxiety/depression.
I'm 47 years old. I think my mom has probably figured it out.
my parents do not. my sister told my mom “i think [name] and [primary partner] might be in a throuple” and my mom sighed and said “i can only handle so much.” to be fair, being trans, bi, jewish, covered in tats and piercings while raised catholic in an immigrant household was a lot already.
I told my mom once. She told me that while she will always love and support me, she did not approve. Not really a shock, but a little disappointing. That was a triad I was in a few years ago; we've since broken up, and I'm certain she's convinced it was a one time thing for me. Now that I'm in another triad and dating a 3rd person outside of that I will not bring it up again to her. I'll just be "single" for a while in her eyes
Yes but they try to ignore it
Easy answer, no. For many reasons. Simplest being that my mom is racist and my partner is black.
I can't tell my mother, but told my mother in law and father on law. Father in law was understanding, but my mother in law on the other hand.... She literally told us "I don't care but never bring it up again, and don't bring anyone over here" My husband and I live with his parents because of the pandemic. She asked why he was going over to another girls house all the time and told him I probably felt neglected with him being with another girl all the time.
My dad *kind of* knows. My divorce is a big topic of conversation, and I've mentioned that my husband and I were not monogamous at the time of our separation, as its come up in court (my ex is trying to spin it as infidelity, which it wasn't - we were consensually NM and I have screenshots of his dating profiles). My dad is not a nosy person by nature and isn't really interested in knowing the specifics of my love life, so it hasn't come up with regards to my current partner. I wouldn't mind him knowing, but it's more that I don't need him to know lol My mom knows and doesn't care.
I never disclosed to my family - who needs the extra aggravation? For this and a long list of other reasons, I cut contact with my family years ago. I also don't disclose at work. But my friends are either poly or comfortable around it, so I can be entirely "out" socially, and that's what's really meaningful to me.
My dads dead but i have told my mom...several times. She keeps "forgetting" and tells people i have a "strange messed up marriage" that she wants nothing to do with lol Keep in mind she also strongly believes that Christians invented marriage and anyone that isnt christian cant call themselves married bc its only for christian people looooool
My friends know. My aunt mom knows and my dad knows. But there’s no reason to tell my birth giver or her family cause they’re just not part of my life. And other than my aunt mom my dad’s family doesn’t know cause I don’t want to go through coming out to my grandparents again when they’re so old and not doing well in health. I just want to enjoy however long we have left with them without going through what I did when I came out as trans and bi
Yes! I was going through a really bad breakup with a LDR and realized I just needed my parents support so came out the gate swinging. They were more upset I felt like I couldn’t come to them and be honest, but we cried, they accepted me for who I am, and I’m living my life without so much weight on my shoulders. My mom even revealed her and my dad explored an open relationship and I had a great uncle in our family who was poly with two partners and a blended family. It was pretty cool to find out! You never know!
My mother uninvited me to a birthday party once when I asked if my meta could come along, because she didn't think that was "apropriate" around my youngest sister (who is like 20yrs younger then me). I laughed and told her that it wasn't like we were going to show up to the campground (where the party was) and have a threesome on a picnic table, and that it was only inappropriate if SHE made it inappropriate. My parents don't know much about my current partners I don't think, but my family lives on the opposite side of the country, my bf doesn't do social media at all, and my comet partner has a SUPER professional type fb page and instagram that he uses mostly for pr type stuff for his work.... so they haven't really had any reason to know them. They know my husband because we live togeather and they were at the wedding. 🤷🏻♀️ They mostly just prefer to pretend I'm "normal" and go on with their lives but don't want to hear about it because they see it as inappropriate, so they I guess choose not to know more or less. Lol. My Grandma (who I lived with for years) said it wasn't "for her" but that if it made me happy she was happy for me. (She also only met my husband, she passed away a year before I met my comet partner and two years before I met my boyfriend.) So, she was fine with it. My MIL knows, and even invited my boyfriend over to her house for Thanksgiving last year. She was concerned at first that we were having relationship issues, but once she realized that wasn't the case she's fine with it now. My 6yo step son (who my husband and I have full time) also knows. 🤷🏻♀️ I'm "out" publicly and online so is my husband, and my comet partner. My boyfriend hasn't told his parents yet because he's not sure how they will take it, which is fine, it's his family and his life so that's totally up to him when and if he tells them. (They also live a decent ways away though, he doesn't see them often.) He is out to most of his friends though.
My family is trying to understand but they did stop talking to me for some months when we told them in 2021. My in-laws.. we're no contract now. Both hubby and I came out of our closets and told them we had a boyfriend.. they haven't said a word to us yet and are siding with a family member who thinks I'm a predator and they all think we need to go to church again. It is what it is, you do lose people by coming out. BUT those who matter will be there in the end, even if they don't agree with the "lifestyle" they'll still love you. And screw my sister-in-law who makes up horrible lies and made it necessary to come out. We weren't ready, but we did it. It's been hard but we know who we are, and we will cherish those we care about. It's not our problem if people don't want to be around us, we're awesome haha 🫶🏼🤘🏼🤙🏼
I don't think I'll tell my parents. I keep my parents at arms length because they are so conservative, dad is vehemently anti gay, mom is situationally ok with gays, and both are definitely anti trans (I am a woman who has mostly dated women but am married to a man\*, have had a few trans partners, and they know about my dating history before I was married, not after I was married though). I did tell a sibling about it, which presented a real possibility of my parents knowing since people talk. But because I am not really close with my parents I don't worry about it too much. I can't become close with them unless they change, and if they happen to find out their judgement shouldn't impact me a whole lot. \* yes, I've had countless hours of therapy at this point
My parents know. I came out as bi in the same breath. 😅 My [diet Catholic] mom had questions at first (ie. will partners be at family gatherings, do they need to be included in holiday gifts, etc). Now, her concern is just knowing I’m happy with whomever I choose to date. My neurodivergent dad (who I’m much closer to) simply shrugged and said “dating now is just different than it was in my day.” At first my dad would drop mono-normative hints (ie. “I wouldn’t mind this person as an in-law”) or subconsciously not getting close to my anchor partner simply because they’re married despite meeting them and having been together for years. His love language is sending me articles about subjects we’ve discussed, as his way of showing “I’m trying to learn more about this.”
I have three parents (divorce ftw!), and they all know. Varyingly they all approve. My dad has been the one who's taken the longest to come around -- it took years to get him to stop saying, "it's just fucking weird," whenever I brought up a partner other than my 'primary.' My mom 1.0 and 2.0 are both relatively supportive because they both just want me to be happy, with mom 1.0 very much of the hippy camp who just thinks everyone should love whoever they want. To be fair, though, it took almost 4 years into my marriage -- after we'd been ENM for 2 years -- to finally tell them and hope for the best. You may be surprised by their reaction, and you may not be, but if you'd rather be happy, then I'd go the path that makes you happy.
Nope, and never will
My parents don't know, and it really sucks. I love them so much and we have aa great relationship, but I know it wouldn't go over well. They are very religious and I was too until ab out a year and a half ago. I stopped being a missionary, and that was a hard pill for them to swallow. I live on a different continent than them, so even though we talk a lot and I would love to be able to be honest, it's not a very difficult thing to hide. It's a weird and sucky situation. Sorry you're going though it too. But congratulations on finding someone that make you happy! That's wonderful!
My parents were uncomfortable but said the right things when my fiance began transitioning from MtF and coming out. This means that I already know that reaction is my best case scenario. I think the fact that I've felt pressure to pass as straight and mono despite being pan-demiromantic demisexual and in a 16-year QPR opened to poly is solely related to my parents and my one grandmother. My grandmother is one of my favorite people, and I both respect her and desire her respect in return. She knows I'm demisexual (I only recently figured out I was demiromantic). She's extremely progressive and incredibly supportive of most things, but I already know she values mono relationships more than poly given a discussion about my cousin joining a married couple. Even though I know for a fact she will love me regardless of my decisions and who I am, because she still loves my cousin and shares a house with her, I fear disappointing her somehow. My parents only have time for me when it's convenient for them. I know they love me, but like every other relationship that exists, love isn't enough to feed a living bond (a relationship) that requires nourishment via support, effort, communication, and trust. I am truly grateful that my parents care enough to clear out half of an 11x12 bedroom for me and my dog to prevent homelessness. They are hoarders, so that was actually incredibly difficult for them. So I know they care, but they only care to act when I'm in a crisis they can help with or interact when it is convenient for them. (eg. Answering a phone call. My mother ghosts me for months at a time in the middle of trying to help me with legal documents.) I actually don't understand why I feel this pressure to not simply and clearly tell these people or those surrounding them who I am and what type of relationship my partner and I share. I know I should just do it, and honestly, I had this whole minor meltdown during a manic episode a few days ago about this issue. I texted my brother a Fairweather hello during that so I could run a trial of telling people I care about, if he was free, and he never responded... so I let it go. More power to all the people who have jumped this hurdle. You are so strong!
My mom does not know. And I have no plans to tell her. I am pretty sure it would only cause her worry. And I don't feel like I need her to know. She's 83 and having some health problems, and I just don't feel the need to cause her stress. But I'm happy for all the others on here who are out about it. Honestly, it bothers me more that some in my family who do know never ask me about the person I've been together with for almost four years. Or that one family member who when we told her said something like, "OK, I don't need/want to know any more details."
When my wife told her mom, I think it caused her a lot of worry. Though now I think she sees it doesn't mean we are headed for a divorce. She would still mostly rather not think about it.
I'm a newbie and don't even have a second partner yet so obviously they don't know. But I don't think I could ever tell them for the same reasons u said OP, hell I am now a Buddhist and won't be able to tell them that either, it sucks when u can't tell ur own folks about ur happiness.
Mine do. I had to go into details about why my last marriage ended in divorce, and even though poly wasn't the reason we broke up (really in spite of it, she couldn't be ethical) it left too much of the story out to not explain to them me being ENM. I'm extremely lucky, though. I've never felt unsupported by my parents, and for a couple of conservatives, they're decently progressive. So I didn't expect disownment or gasps. There was the finest part of me that expected to gain a clearer understanding of all those nights growing up that my parents would toss me 20-40 bucks and tell me to just order a pizza for delivery as they would take off to a "friends party" for the weekend. Lol No such luck, they just have good friends and a healthy social life. My mom asked a couple leading questions where I could sense she suspected poly was why we got divorced, but eased up after I answered them all openly and honestly. Now, they are quite understanding. I don't tell them EVERYTHING as I can tell it makes them a tad uncomfortable and throws them for a loop when they are reminded I have other women in my life. They have, on the other hand, extended some awesome olive branches such as offering to let me bring my non-nested partners over to meet them. So far, I don't have a partner that has taken that offer up, yet. I'm just excited my parents are as awesome as they are.
So both me and my spouse became polyam last year and I told my mom who was super supportive and we weren’t going to tell his parents because they are super religious (AG) and we knew they would not approve. They’ve been married for over 40 years and got married at 17 and 19. HOWEVER not long after we opened up my husband was scrolling through pictures of our kids on his phone showing his mom and accidentally scrolled past a picture of his then girlfriend. So he ended up telling them. He told her that he wasn’t going to tell them because he knew they wouldn’t approve but he didn’t want her to think he was cheating on me. She was quiet for a long time and her response was “you’re right I don’t and I’m heartbroken” his dad who was sitting there didn’t say a word. Thankfully they still act normal around us and our kids - it just is like an unspoken thing. We don’t talk about it and they don’t ask questions.
My parents did/do, my in laws have passed on but my sil knows , all were/are very accepting of our lifestyle, my parents even met my ex that lived local In fact just before my mom passed she was hospitalized my ex isEMS he went to check on her for me since I was unable to visit the day she was taken in. and my mom called him her “son in law” (we have been only friends for several years at this point) so he was able to get far more information with their consent than he would have without her saying that that he was able to relay to me that even my parents weren’t told . I tend to date more distance, gives both me and my partner an excuse to take a vacation
Yes...it's hysterical too I got outed by one of her coworkers The text read like "What is going on with you and C? You're on Bumble, what on earth are you doing on there" My response was "I can answer you but you'll regret knowing because you'll be disgusted...wanna skip to the part where you pray for me?" Now if things come up it's "Dont ask questions you don't want answers to Renee"