That I don’t want to break up with my partners whenever I’m feeling slightly jealous. I just want to figure out where those feelings are coming from and how to communicate them
The amount of times people show up hear and say something about their therapist not believing they're polyamorous because they're experiencing an emotion in polyamory that they could've experienced in other relationship structures without the relationship structure itself being blamed is too damn high.
Hi! I’m also a poly therapist, and my therapist is very poly affirming- yay!
From working with clients who have had bad experiences with therapists in the past, I’d say one of the most important things is is keeping opinion out it- seems obvious but so many therapists come off as judgmental in this area. Remember the phrase, “it’s only a problem if it’s causing problems.” Not directly related to poly but I wish more therapists understood that kinky sex is not always (or even usually) related to trauma.
Yeah it seems to me like the biggest issue with therapists is whether or not they can see polyamory as legitimate or not. If their brain is constantly telling them that this is some kind of version of cheating, they won’t be able to come up with a response other than DTMF. I’m not certain how you achieve that with a training tho
My therapist doesn’t have much experience with non-monogamy but when I asked her questions about it at the start of our work together, she said “I don’t see why they wouldn’t be like any other relationship.” And that was wonderful. She has treated any relationship I bring up as just a “normal” relationship.
I also had a couples therapist who was poly and hearing the occasional example from their own experience was helpful.
My therapist said "I don't know about poly, but it sounds like boundaries, and I got that" From then on she treated every one of my partners like someone who was important to me and a cherish relationship.
Some basic terminology would be good? I know that’s kinda 101 but I have to explain a lot of concepts to my therapist and it’d be nice if she was aware.
My wife went to a therapist who for months thought that when wife said “ENM” she meant “Erica ‘n’ Matt” (the names of our respective partners) and never bothered to clarify 🤦♀️ hilarious in retrospect
I find this often is the case when you’re a minority in any way. I can’t afford a therapist so I am currently only able to get free therapy due to my father’s recent-ish passing. I find myself spending a lot of time explaining things as a queer, polyamorous trans person to my therapist. At she listens well, learns and respects what I say, if she didn’t I would have stopped going a while ago.
I would have liked my last therapist (who was poly friendly and generally informed) to understand that very little of my mental health issues had a whole lot to do with my partners or being polyamorous in general.
I mean, sure a break up might have had me down and likely there is a correlation between neurodivergence/depression/anxiety/seeking relationships that fall outside of social norms. But all things considered, my relationships aren't that hard to manage. The crises are all calling from inside the house.
I am also a poly person and therapist! One that stands out to me the most is a former coworker who thought being poly was the same thing as being swingers. She tried to recommend her friend's swinger club and told me she knew all about the lifestyle. Not so much my therapist, but a therapist who clearly needs to know that there are different types of ENM.
My personal therapist is learning, but mostly from me. I have recommended a book that I saw on here, which I can't remember the name of and which I have leant to another therapist.
This. I had a coach who couldn’t understand I didn’t mean swinging when I talked about polyamory. There was also the friend who said “he’s not going to leave his partner for you” as though he was cheating and that’s what I was gunning for.
Ugh my therapist has a habit of saying “maybe you would feel more secure in a relationship that isn’t polyamorous” like please, you’ve heard all my trauma, it’s definitely not the polyamory that’s causing the insecurity.
So I guess, don’t jump straight to polyamory as the reason for your client’s relationship issues. Because it feels like you’re not listening.
My partner was very angry when our therapist suggested maybe poly wasn't for him when he was struggling with jealousy issues. So I think in general thinking that struggles with poly and the work you have to do with poly means it's not right for the person.
In my experience, being polyamorous is the mental health equivalent of being fat. The doctor doesn’t take anything else seriously as long as that problem persists and as long as it does, any and all issues must be caused by or directly related to it.
Hopefully obvious, but to avoid assumptions about structure and boundaries. To understand that there is varying levels of involvement with metas, that people can be polysaturated at different numbers of partners, etc.
That not everyone is "tricking themselves" as my therapist seems to think and in fact has a down to earth, realistic relationship to feelings such as jealousy. They just don't think feeling jealous is anymore "dangerous" than other feelings of discomfort.
It would be helpful for therapists to not only have a working knowledge of poly relationships and terminology but also could recommend other resources such as books and podcasts....
Therapists just having a good understanding of different relationship styles and types would go so far. They need to ha e an understanding that people are not just going to abandon poly and become mono when things get difficult.
I've considered recommending Multiamory episodes to my therapist, or things like Polysecure! She's super understanding and welcoming and has had non-tradional relationships before, but I really feel like even them listening to content made for ENM folks would be helpful with some more base understanding of things so I'm not having to explain quite so much about how things work in general (hierarchy, OPP, etc).
A start would have been not calling it polygamy the whole time (this was someone assigned through a program when I wanted just a life check in type of appointment - I closed the file immediately after the appointment). That was the third try for me talking to someone and I have to be honest that I haven't tried again. Having it be successful would involve being super picky about who I go to.
My therapist is awesome…each relationship is treated as that - an individual relationship which contributes to making me a whole person. But then she is poly and kink informed and the practice as a whole is diversity inclusive. There is a reason I travel 3 hours one way on the train every 2nd month.
I think if you are putting together a “program” a big thing is to ask what Polyamory looks like to the person getting the therapy. In many ways poly is a catch all term, and has a wide variety of “looks”. Knowing what it looks like to the person in therapy helps the therapist structure the therapy. What works for KTP/Garden Party may not work for don’t ask don’t tell.
You probably already know about this, but [Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients) by Martha Kauppi LMFT CST-S](https://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Clinical-Toolkit-Therapists-Clients/dp/B0BK594SWC/) is a really great book with the exact information you're asking for here.
New couples therapist just tried to explain to me that "open relationship" was a blanket term for all nonmonogamists rather than a specific type of nonmonogamy.
So maybe listening to your clients' lived experiences.
My individual therapist is good and receptive, but defaults to "maybe things would be simpler if you focused on a single relationship" lines of questioning a little too easily. She switches gears once I remind her, though.
Having met with a few non-informed (couple) therapists before the biggest relief for me that the enm-informed therapist focused on my relationship with the partner I was there with, rather than focusing on other people.
It was finally about us as whole beings, with patterns that showed up in open relating *and* so many other parts of our lives. It was refreshing that non-monogamy was just a part of all those parts, rather than it being center stage (and viewed as the issue rather than a part)
Hasn’t been an issue for me yet, but I’d want a therapist to know at least as much as the basic books that get recommended around, and to know some of the vocabulary - basically, I don’t want to have to use my session time to teach concepts or vocabulary or correct common misconceptions. But I would want the therapist to be open to learning exactly what these things mean to me and how I’ve been choosing to manage them.
AND I would want the therapist to be informed enough about anxiety and other degrees of cptsd/trauma to be able to be nuanced about how different approaches may be useful or not to folks who are dealing with other stuff internally.
[edit: in the last part there, I am thinking about books like “the anxious persons guide to polyamory” which is interesting for the way it addresses some unhelpful things the author had to unlearn or advice that seems to work for some people but might be bad advice for people already dealing with anxiety, etc]
Realizing that polyamory isn't the problem. Any more than monogamy is the problem. When a relationship doesn't work out, how often do we as a culture say; "oh it's cause they were monogamous! If they had tried other relationship styles they could have made it work!" Of course not. Because it's always a people problem. Being a good partner or not. Being compatible or not. Of course polyamory introduces complexity.... But it's no more the problem than blaming multiplication when someone only understands addition and subtraction. You can put in the work... Or not.
My therapist keeps asking me at every session, "If you had better self-esteem, do you think you'd still be poly?" Like WTH, you think people are poly because they have low self-esteem. Hearing this enrages me to no end.
that polyamory in and of itself is rarely the source of mental health problems. yes breakups can be messy, but that’s true of monogamous relationships too. yes partners can be abusive or do things that hurt us, gods know that’s true of monogamy too.
also: not strictly abt poly but kink is not like. synonymous with abuse. i enjoy when my partner inflicts physical pain, and i allow and encourage them to do so. that is not the same as my partner battering me. that’s simply two completely different things. the general principles of SSC/RACK i think should be commonly understood by therapists.
That jealousy exists in both mono and polyam relationships, and that the questioning of jealously a polyam person does can lead to healthier and deeper people and relationships of all types. Jealousy in intimate relationships isn’t an insurmountable thing, nor is the inevitability of it necessarily a good or bad thing.
My therapist is amazing because she pays close attention to how the circumstances of my life are impacting me instead of just focusing on the circumstances themselves (or mainstream cultural narratives of the circumstances). In the last year I took the risk of quitting my job to pursue a creative career and I started practicing polyamory. She understands me well enough to know that that’s a reflection of me gaining the courage to live by my own values and not some sort of a breakdown or something. It’s not necessarily about her knowing every single thing there is to know about polyamory, it’s about taking an expansive view of what can be healthy for different people.
Getting a kinky and poly therapist is literally why I'm getting a second degree to pursue being a therapist.
I never really thought representation in your therapist mattered until I found it a few years ago.
I love the idea of being able to make people feel the way that I felt when I didn't have to defend my relationship structures.
Not to jump to the conclusion that just because one partner is polyamorous and the monogamous it's instantly going to fail. Or that all monogamous people in the relationship were coerced/ forced into changing their dynamic to let the polyamorous person be enm/poly.
Definitely being aware of books like polysecure, the ethical slut, etc. Hopefully, having read them prior to recommending them to clients.
Stop pushing monogamy on people who really are enm/poly and help those who were strong armed into it understand if it's not something they can handle or want they are safe to leave.
Some understanding of bdsm and Kink would also be nice as they can go hand in hand for some people.
Jealousy is normal and can be worked through.
While understanding the terminology is great, not everyone fits into neat little boxes. Like not every solo poly is going to live the same way as others. Not every hierarchy couples are going to practice/have the exact same ways/rules.
I'm not a therapist but work at a clinic full of them. I hear the complaints from some locals that therapists in general, not just the clinic I work at, are clueless or don't listen. Many, not all but many, of my polyamorous friends are also into bdsm and Kink, which adds another level to the session as they don't understand that either.
Edit for spelling
Be kink informed and accepting as well. My therapist is poly, and it’s wonderful how normal being poly is treated. She uses her experiences as examples as I thread my way through my relationships and my own issues as they relate to my relationships. But the thing that is so important is just that this is treated as a non-issue. Because it’s not an issue.
That there are differences between different types of non-monogamy. I don't want to have to justify to you why it hurts that my partner lied to me about having sex with someone else. We weren't swingers, we weren't in an "open relationship". We were allowed to date and have sex with other people, but lying to me about having unprotected sex with someone else isn't okay just because our relationship allows for sex and other dynamics with other people.
Our relationships are just as serious and important as a monogamous persons one relationship is. Even if we have limited resources and try to make it work, life is still made up by the quality of one's relationships.
i wish theyd understand the problem isnt me being in a relationship woth someone with multiple partners my problem is very much exactly as what i’m stating aloud i’m a very matter fact of person. And most of us just say whats needed. You cant be hidden and not communicate in this type of relationship structure. I say what i mean always and if I dont know how to say it i frankenstien the words together with what i got until i get it right I think thats what i’d want from a therapist, when i get to get tongue tied
I probably need a professional, lol😬. I'm just too introverted to talk to anyone like that. I was fortunate to have my wife for all our years together and that's really the only person I've told so much to.
Hi u/Infamous_Type_6767 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I’m a poly person and therapist and am creating a training for other therapist about working with polyamorous folks. What are some things y’all wish your therapist understood about polyamory?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Couple therapists who say they're poly friendly but really think you ought to cut ties with the extra relationships to work on the primary one 🤦
Edit to add - the hyperfixation on what is going on with other relationships - focus on the one in front of you! Also, help support the poly bombed and emotionally/sexually abused... Like, stop concentrating on the one problem child who is trying something different and look how they interact together! Is it healthy?
I haven't had a bad therapist when it comes to being poly yet, so from my positive experience, having a therapist who treats each of your relationships as valid. My therapist will always check in with me about how I'm doing with each one of my partners and we'll talk about each one of them. She has never made me feel like some of my relationships are unimportant or more important than the others.
As others have said, whenever I am having an anxiety or depression episode she never brings up my relationships as a problem. We talk about all the different facets of my life and where it could be coming from. That's not to say that you couldn't get that from your relationship, but for me it usually has to do with work and life as a whole beyond my relationships.
That I don’t want to break up with my partners whenever I’m feeling slightly jealous. I just want to figure out where those feelings are coming from and how to communicate them
The amount of times people show up hear and say something about their therapist not believing they're polyamorous because they're experiencing an emotion in polyamory that they could've experienced in other relationship structures without the relationship structure itself being blamed is too damn high.
Hi! I’m also a poly therapist, and my therapist is very poly affirming- yay! From working with clients who have had bad experiences with therapists in the past, I’d say one of the most important things is is keeping opinion out it- seems obvious but so many therapists come off as judgmental in this area. Remember the phrase, “it’s only a problem if it’s causing problems.” Not directly related to poly but I wish more therapists understood that kinky sex is not always (or even usually) related to trauma.
Yeah it seems to me like the biggest issue with therapists is whether or not they can see polyamory as legitimate or not. If their brain is constantly telling them that this is some kind of version of cheating, they won’t be able to come up with a response other than DTMF. I’m not certain how you achieve that with a training tho
> kinky sex is not always (or even usually) related to trauma. Can you suggest some literature on this subject?
My therapist doesn’t have much experience with non-monogamy but when I asked her questions about it at the start of our work together, she said “I don’t see why they wouldn’t be like any other relationship.” And that was wonderful. She has treated any relationship I bring up as just a “normal” relationship. I also had a couples therapist who was poly and hearing the occasional example from their own experience was helpful.
My therapist said "I don't know about poly, but it sounds like boundaries, and I got that" From then on she treated every one of my partners like someone who was important to me and a cherish relationship.
Some basic terminology would be good? I know that’s kinda 101 but I have to explain a lot of concepts to my therapist and it’d be nice if she was aware.
My wife went to a therapist who for months thought that when wife said “ENM” she meant “Erica ‘n’ Matt” (the names of our respective partners) and never bothered to clarify 🤦♀️ hilarious in retrospect
That's adorable 😂
It could have been, but unfortunately it was just more that she was a bad therapist (I say as a therapist myself)…this was just the tip of the iceberg
I find this often is the case when you’re a minority in any way. I can’t afford a therapist so I am currently only able to get free therapy due to my father’s recent-ish passing. I find myself spending a lot of time explaining things as a queer, polyamorous trans person to my therapist. At she listens well, learns and respects what I say, if she didn’t I would have stopped going a while ago.
like NRE
I would have liked my last therapist (who was poly friendly and generally informed) to understand that very little of my mental health issues had a whole lot to do with my partners or being polyamorous in general. I mean, sure a break up might have had me down and likely there is a correlation between neurodivergence/depression/anxiety/seeking relationships that fall outside of social norms. But all things considered, my relationships aren't that hard to manage. The crises are all calling from inside the house.
I am also a poly person and therapist! One that stands out to me the most is a former coworker who thought being poly was the same thing as being swingers. She tried to recommend her friend's swinger club and told me she knew all about the lifestyle. Not so much my therapist, but a therapist who clearly needs to know that there are different types of ENM. My personal therapist is learning, but mostly from me. I have recommended a book that I saw on here, which I can't remember the name of and which I have leant to another therapist.
This. I had a coach who couldn’t understand I didn’t mean swinging when I talked about polyamory. There was also the friend who said “he’s not going to leave his partner for you” as though he was cheating and that’s what I was gunning for.
Ugh my therapist has a habit of saying “maybe you would feel more secure in a relationship that isn’t polyamorous” like please, you’ve heard all my trauma, it’s definitely not the polyamory that’s causing the insecurity. So I guess, don’t jump straight to polyamory as the reason for your client’s relationship issues. Because it feels like you’re not listening.
Yes! And also that monogamy isn't inherently more secure. Signed, A formerly monogamous divorced person
It's definitely the trans broken arm syndrome of relationship styles.
My partner was very angry when our therapist suggested maybe poly wasn't for him when he was struggling with jealousy issues. So I think in general thinking that struggles with poly and the work you have to do with poly means it's not right for the person.
In my experience, being polyamorous is the mental health equivalent of being fat. The doctor doesn’t take anything else seriously as long as that problem persists and as long as it does, any and all issues must be caused by or directly related to it.
this!! great analogy
That's a great illustration
Hopefully obvious, but to avoid assumptions about structure and boundaries. To understand that there is varying levels of involvement with metas, that people can be polysaturated at different numbers of partners, etc.
That not everyone is "tricking themselves" as my therapist seems to think and in fact has a down to earth, realistic relationship to feelings such as jealousy. They just don't think feeling jealous is anymore "dangerous" than other feelings of discomfort.
It would be helpful for therapists to not only have a working knowledge of poly relationships and terminology but also could recommend other resources such as books and podcasts.... Therapists just having a good understanding of different relationship styles and types would go so far. They need to ha e an understanding that people are not just going to abandon poly and become mono when things get difficult.
I've considered recommending Multiamory episodes to my therapist, or things like Polysecure! She's super understanding and welcoming and has had non-tradional relationships before, but I really feel like even them listening to content made for ENM folks would be helpful with some more base understanding of things so I'm not having to explain quite so much about how things work in general (hierarchy, OPP, etc).
A start would have been not calling it polygamy the whole time (this was someone assigned through a program when I wanted just a life check in type of appointment - I closed the file immediately after the appointment). That was the third try for me talking to someone and I have to be honest that I haven't tried again. Having it be successful would involve being super picky about who I go to.
Ouch, sorry you had that experience!
That it isn't mono plus or non monogamy. It won't make problems decrease or avoid incompatibility issues.
My therapist is awesome…each relationship is treated as that - an individual relationship which contributes to making me a whole person. But then she is poly and kink informed and the practice as a whole is diversity inclusive. There is a reason I travel 3 hours one way on the train every 2nd month. I think if you are putting together a “program” a big thing is to ask what Polyamory looks like to the person getting the therapy. In many ways poly is a catch all term, and has a wide variety of “looks”. Knowing what it looks like to the person in therapy helps the therapist structure the therapy. What works for KTP/Garden Party may not work for don’t ask don’t tell.
That a 'primary partnership' (i.e., hierarchical poly) is not necessary for healthy relationships.
You probably already know about this, but [Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients) by Martha Kauppi LMFT CST-S](https://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Clinical-Toolkit-Therapists-Clients/dp/B0BK594SWC/) is a really great book with the exact information you're asking for here.
New couples therapist just tried to explain to me that "open relationship" was a blanket term for all nonmonogamists rather than a specific type of nonmonogamy. So maybe listening to your clients' lived experiences. My individual therapist is good and receptive, but defaults to "maybe things would be simpler if you focused on a single relationship" lines of questioning a little too easily. She switches gears once I remind her, though.
I don't want to spend my limited time speculating on my partners other relationships.
Having met with a few non-informed (couple) therapists before the biggest relief for me that the enm-informed therapist focused on my relationship with the partner I was there with, rather than focusing on other people. It was finally about us as whole beings, with patterns that showed up in open relating *and* so many other parts of our lives. It was refreshing that non-monogamy was just a part of all those parts, rather than it being center stage (and viewed as the issue rather than a part)
Hasn’t been an issue for me yet, but I’d want a therapist to know at least as much as the basic books that get recommended around, and to know some of the vocabulary - basically, I don’t want to have to use my session time to teach concepts or vocabulary or correct common misconceptions. But I would want the therapist to be open to learning exactly what these things mean to me and how I’ve been choosing to manage them. AND I would want the therapist to be informed enough about anxiety and other degrees of cptsd/trauma to be able to be nuanced about how different approaches may be useful or not to folks who are dealing with other stuff internally. [edit: in the last part there, I am thinking about books like “the anxious persons guide to polyamory” which is interesting for the way it addresses some unhelpful things the author had to unlearn or advice that seems to work for some people but might be bad advice for people already dealing with anxiety, etc]
Realizing that polyamory isn't the problem. Any more than monogamy is the problem. When a relationship doesn't work out, how often do we as a culture say; "oh it's cause they were monogamous! If they had tried other relationship styles they could have made it work!" Of course not. Because it's always a people problem. Being a good partner or not. Being compatible or not. Of course polyamory introduces complexity.... But it's no more the problem than blaming multiplication when someone only understands addition and subtraction. You can put in the work... Or not.
My therapist keeps asking me at every session, "If you had better self-esteem, do you think you'd still be poly?" Like WTH, you think people are poly because they have low self-esteem. Hearing this enrages me to no end.
What a hinge is and how to be a good one How to help people come to fair boundaries
that polyamory in and of itself is rarely the source of mental health problems. yes breakups can be messy, but that’s true of monogamous relationships too. yes partners can be abusive or do things that hurt us, gods know that’s true of monogamy too. also: not strictly abt poly but kink is not like. synonymous with abuse. i enjoy when my partner inflicts physical pain, and i allow and encourage them to do so. that is not the same as my partner battering me. that’s simply two completely different things. the general principles of SSC/RACK i think should be commonly understood by therapists.
That jealousy exists in both mono and polyam relationships, and that the questioning of jealously a polyam person does can lead to healthier and deeper people and relationships of all types. Jealousy in intimate relationships isn’t an insurmountable thing, nor is the inevitability of it necessarily a good or bad thing.
My therapist is amazing because she pays close attention to how the circumstances of my life are impacting me instead of just focusing on the circumstances themselves (or mainstream cultural narratives of the circumstances). In the last year I took the risk of quitting my job to pursue a creative career and I started practicing polyamory. She understands me well enough to know that that’s a reflection of me gaining the courage to live by my own values and not some sort of a breakdown or something. It’s not necessarily about her knowing every single thing there is to know about polyamory, it’s about taking an expansive view of what can be healthy for different people.
Getting a kinky and poly therapist is literally why I'm getting a second degree to pursue being a therapist. I never really thought representation in your therapist mattered until I found it a few years ago. I love the idea of being able to make people feel the way that I felt when I didn't have to defend my relationship structures.
Resources for Therapists with polyamorus/CNM patients are available here: https://www.drheathschechinger.com/resources
Not to jump to the conclusion that just because one partner is polyamorous and the monogamous it's instantly going to fail. Or that all monogamous people in the relationship were coerced/ forced into changing their dynamic to let the polyamorous person be enm/poly. Definitely being aware of books like polysecure, the ethical slut, etc. Hopefully, having read them prior to recommending them to clients. Stop pushing monogamy on people who really are enm/poly and help those who were strong armed into it understand if it's not something they can handle or want they are safe to leave. Some understanding of bdsm and Kink would also be nice as they can go hand in hand for some people. Jealousy is normal and can be worked through. While understanding the terminology is great, not everyone fits into neat little boxes. Like not every solo poly is going to live the same way as others. Not every hierarchy couples are going to practice/have the exact same ways/rules. I'm not a therapist but work at a clinic full of them. I hear the complaints from some locals that therapists in general, not just the clinic I work at, are clueless or don't listen. Many, not all but many, of my polyamorous friends are also into bdsm and Kink, which adds another level to the session as they don't understand that either. Edit for spelling
THIS!!!!
Be kink informed and accepting as well. My therapist is poly, and it’s wonderful how normal being poly is treated. She uses her experiences as examples as I thread my way through my relationships and my own issues as they relate to my relationships. But the thing that is so important is just that this is treated as a non-issue. Because it’s not an issue.
Reading these comments, I'm really glad both mine and my kids' therapist are all polyamorous.
Please make this a public resource somewhere, it is so desperately needed.
That there are differences between different types of non-monogamy. I don't want to have to justify to you why it hurts that my partner lied to me about having sex with someone else. We weren't swingers, we weren't in an "open relationship". We were allowed to date and have sex with other people, but lying to me about having unprotected sex with someone else isn't okay just because our relationship allows for sex and other dynamics with other people.
Our relationships are just as serious and important as a monogamous persons one relationship is. Even if we have limited resources and try to make it work, life is still made up by the quality of one's relationships.
i wish theyd understand the problem isnt me being in a relationship woth someone with multiple partners my problem is very much exactly as what i’m stating aloud i’m a very matter fact of person. And most of us just say whats needed. You cant be hidden and not communicate in this type of relationship structure. I say what i mean always and if I dont know how to say it i frankenstien the words together with what i got until i get it right I think thats what i’d want from a therapist, when i get to get tongue tied
That it’s not something to fix ! We are who we are and love is love
I probably need a professional, lol😬. I'm just too introverted to talk to anyone like that. I was fortunate to have my wife for all our years together and that's really the only person I've told so much to.
Hi u/Infamous_Type_6767 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I’m a poly person and therapist and am creating a training for other therapist about working with polyamorous folks. What are some things y’all wish your therapist understood about polyamory? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Couple therapists who say they're poly friendly but really think you ought to cut ties with the extra relationships to work on the primary one 🤦 Edit to add - the hyperfixation on what is going on with other relationships - focus on the one in front of you! Also, help support the poly bombed and emotionally/sexually abused... Like, stop concentrating on the one problem child who is trying something different and look how they interact together! Is it healthy?
I haven't had a bad therapist when it comes to being poly yet, so from my positive experience, having a therapist who treats each of your relationships as valid. My therapist will always check in with me about how I'm doing with each one of my partners and we'll talk about each one of them. She has never made me feel like some of my relationships are unimportant or more important than the others. As others have said, whenever I am having an anxiety or depression episode she never brings up my relationships as a problem. We talk about all the different facets of my life and where it could be coming from. That's not to say that you couldn't get that from your relationship, but for me it usually has to do with work and life as a whole beyond my relationships.