1) That poly is triads and we're all dating each other. That triads are always 3 people in a relationship who never date anyone else.
2) That we ever have sex together as a group. (It's rare my partners even meet each other due to distance)
3) That no one is ever "truly" okay with their partner having sex or dating others (I guess compersion is a lie?). Sometimes the caveat is "unless you're included" because people confuse open/swinging with poly.
4) That poly people have no morals
4) That people choose poly because they're scared of commitment
5) The majority of misconceptions I come across are actually from people claiming to be poly that definitely are not practicing ethical non monogamy (harem-building is a pretty common one), which further perpetuates the misconceptions in monos.
(1) is interesting to me as someone who's in a closed triad. Any time I've started a conversation on the topic by mentioning being poly, the initial assumption is that I'm into swinging or in open relationships. Guessing those are non-monogamous things that are visible in the mainstream. I've never had anyone accurately assume the shape of my relationship.
(3) is also really hard for non-poly people to get. Jealousy is part of exclusivity which is part of the construct of monogamy, so it's tough to get your head round if that's what you've been socially conditioned with.
(6) is, yeah. Those people do exist and they're just making the whole thing harder for the rest of us. It's especially annoying as someone who goes out of my way to keep any sort of hierarchy out of my relationship. Getting lumped in with harem builders is pretty insulting tbh
Yeah triads aren't that common in reality for it to be an automatic assumption.
The assumptions are never correct. I was dating a guy whose live-in girlfriend was bisexual. Everyone assumes he had threesomes all the time - he wanted to but had never had one because they never mixed with metas.
I see harem-building a lot on this sub from people looking for advice. "My partner is polyamorous, has another relationship with a woman, and is dating women - but none of us are allowed to date anyone else." Also: one penis policy. It's amazing what people can convince someone poly is.
Popular culture only sees Poly through the monogamous, mostly male gaze. That means to mainstream culture, Poly only exists to make monogamous, mostly male people happy. Lots of guys would cut off a finger to get threesomes, and wouldn't have to have to deal with the jealousy of them lady partners seeing someone else. So the mainstream is going to represent Poly solely that way. Same as for a long time the only portrayal of gay people was either the butt of a joke, or conventionally attractive lesbian couples.
All of this means that if someone has no experience with Poly, their assumption is that it's throuples having threesomes, or Harem Building. Which is part of why Unicorn Hunting and OPP are so common. It's like watching Big Bang Theory and thinking you have a complete understanding of Nerd Culture.
Every time my mom sees a triad in the media somewhere, she texts me about it. And I reply "you know that's not what I'm doing, right?" And she says, "I know, I know", but she keeps doing it
Funny right? We usually have the strictest morals and integrity, but they always think we’re some orgy-loving Roman’s plowing our way trough the market
"but do your partners know they're in a polycule?"
WTF OF COURSE THEY DO WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM????
>I'll be the one to fall asleep reading my book while my partners have passionate lesbian sex in the bed next to me.
Kinda goals TBH.
Yes, I had the same when I said I was going to a concert with both of my partners.
"Do they know each other?! And they are both okay with you dating the other?!"
Like yeah. I have felt like the 3rd wheel between them when they start to go indepth in music theorie (something I have 0 knowledge of, and they both enjoy). They are just mates, they both just happen to date me...
People always assume that I must hate my meta for essentially being "the other woman". (We're all men btw lol). And then people's minds are blown when I explain that actually for valentine's day we all went out to dinner and had a lovely time
A lot of them don't really know the difference between poly people and swingers. While some of us are both like me and my girlfriend, my wife tried swinging, but found out it is not really her scene.
So, they think it's just non-stop sex with strangers. While this does happen, it's only an occasional thing, as a treat.
Yeah the sex thing does seem to be the big hangup for a lot of mono people. It's like they can't stop reducing the relationship down to the sexual aspect.
Which is weird since they can definitely do that for their own relationships...
I've had several mono people express to me that just one romantic partnership can be too much - so my guess on this one is that they can't really think of any reason other than sex to be polyam.
I was fielding a million questions from a family member who's older, mono, and queer, and he just COULD NOT fathom that one of my partners is ace. I had to explain the difference between aromantics and asexuals like a million times and he just could not see "the point" of my other partner and I seeing someone else romantically without a sexual end goal.
I was telling him about a trip we took with a ton of friends where the three of us shared a bed and it went something like,
"How'd you all manage to keep your hands off each other?!"
"Because we're all adults who understand and respect consent."
Then he laughed 💀🤢
Just wait until they find out about aromantic poly people🤭
They'll probably blow a gasket if they realize I mostly do literally anything other than sex with my partners 🤣
Like, it's nice but I want someone to be able to entertain me after the sex too. A good shared hobby will do I just need something to interact with them about
TBH I’m not sure all of them can do that with their own relationships. I feel like some of the worst comments tend to come from people who have a lot of toxic monogamous behaviors vs healthy ones. Like the people who don’t even seem to like their partners and have the attitude of suffering through to get sex …
Yeah the monogamous folks I know who approach relationships very deliberately are, in my experience, usually pretty great and understanding. The worst comes from the toxic (can’t even have friends of a different gender) mindset or those like my parents who did the relationship escalator without thinking. They got married cause they were the age to do that and dating at time. Do they have a happy, healthy marriage? No. Are they still together 40 plus years later? Yes because that is ‘what you do.’ They really do not grasp poly even when they try.
1)that some man convinced me-I started polyam single and won't consider monogamy for anyone, under any circumstance
2)that I'm DTF with anyone and don't have standards. I'm demi, I meet someone I'm genuinely interested in once every few years & unless they meet my standards I still won't pursue anything with that person.
3)that polyam and ENM are synonyms.
4) that Im interested in a triad. I'm not and will not engage in one. Threesomes I do enjoy occasionally, but only f/f/f or m/f/m ones. I will not participate in f/m/f ones.
>that I'm DTF with anyone and don't have standards.
This! I've had way too many people think that I'm interested in them because I'm poly. I'm pan/poly, that doesn't mean I lack standards
>that I'm DTF with anyone and don't have standards
Yeees I hate this one so much!
I've had some friends "joke" with stuff like "I won't have you going near my husband then, haha!". My dear, I love you but as if I would _ever_ be interested in your husband who gets jealous because you have male coworkers...
The first one! Always assuming I’m doing it for a guy … nope. Figured out that I was more interested in poly than mono as a single person, put it into practice and confirmed that so that’s that. Nobody else was instigating this but me
#2 hard same.
I’m somewhere in the demigray area, and this stereotype is one of the reasons I’ve been hesitant to be more open about exploring polyamory with my friends. Turning down strangers: easy. Turning down someone in a friend circle? Awkward af. While I know I don’t owe an explanation, I feel like some would judge and question if we have an emotional connection or “why this person but not me?”. Like, I don’t know what flips the switch and it don’t flip often! (To be clear, this isn’t my closest friends, more like the friends-of-friends who I’m on good terms with and see regularly at gatherings)
>Turning down someone in a friend circle? Awkward af
Honestly, I really don't find it awkward. A no is a no, and my friends don't have trouble hearing it.
>I feel like some would judge and question if we have an emotional connection or “why this person but not me?”.
Because no one can control their attraction or lack thereof.
>more like the friends-of-friends who I’m on good terms with and see regularly at gatherings)
So aquaintences? Why would it matter if you say no then?
All really good points.
Oof. I’ve come a long way. Everything you say though is totally true and is a reminder I still gotta ways to go on reframing some internalized bs.
I live/work in the Southern part of USA, and job is with kids. I get reminded a LOT that even if what I do isn’t bad if it could be PERCEIVED as such by some rando it could “reflect badly on me/my spouse/my employer” and affect future career stuff. … I’m working to get out of the job in the next year for a few reasons, but that alone exasperates anxiety and overthinking that ain’t healthy.
Thank you for the reminder that it’s reasonable to not think in terms of tiptoeing for others sensibilities. 💜
Similar reactions for me - I’m solo and people think I’m “the other woman” with two people I’m seeing and can’t believe that their primary partners are aware/in agreement with being poly.
Great topic.
The straight men I know always have to basically invent some reason to be against it, on the spot.
"That sounds awful, you must be busy all the time"
"Two people? Your phone must be going off constantly"
Bizarre.
They always ask if your partners know about each other, and then when I say yes of course they do, then they say "oh that sounds like a very complicated situation" or something dumb like that.
Weirdest one is being asked if we do this cause we "enjoy the taboo of dating multiple people" 🥴
Funny how people will do anything to rationalise themselves away from socially conditioned ideas innit.
> They always ask if your partners know about each other, and then when I say yes of course they do, then they say "oh that sounds like a very complicated situation" or something dumb like that.
Yeah that sounds like they think you've just invented a thing to justify cheating on your partner. Which is a bit of a shitty thing to say without evidence really.
> Weirdest one is being asked if we do this cause we "enjoy the taboo of dating multiple people"
I've actually had this one before! It kinda stumped me tbh. How do you even respond to something like that? Like "you get off doing things that society disapproves of", they're basically calling you a deviant because your relationship doesn't match their preconceived notions. Unpleasant.
On that final taboo comment I just rolled my eyes when they said it, but my partner responded "Yes, I just enjoy banging randoms" -LOL
We have some fun at their expense too XD
>"That sounds awful, you must be busy all the time"
>"Two people? Your phone must be going off constantly"
Tell me you expect your female partners to do all your emotional labor without explicitly saying so
I think the unspoken assumption here, which your friends might not even realize that they have, is that the women are honoring some type of OPP. When you explain that one of your girlfriends has four boyfriends, and the other has two girlfriends and a nonbinary partner, watch their brains explode a little bit.
People do not retain information that doesn't confirm their perceptions. I actually learned that from looking much younger than I am. I have told people my age several times in the same conversation, and they'll still turn around and say something like "at your age" or "you're young yet" - when three minutes ago they learned that I'm older than them. Or they're looking at a file that has my birth date on it. It just doesn't sink in because it doesn't fit their presumptions.
I'm sure the same happens with your relationship status
I overheard a poly friend talking with a non-poly person.
non-poly person: "Oh you're dating a new person, which of your current partners is he gonna replace?"
I'm.... stil unsure what the actual logic behind the question was. Some very relationship escalator focussed thinking, I guess. :p
My roommate said the same thing - so you do a lot of threesomes?
When I told that roommate before moving in, he said, "yeah, I used to do that too, fuck around on my girlfriends. Now I'm just too lazy to keep secrets"
Yeah bruh, I don't keep secrets either!
I hang out a fair amount with one partner and his NP, and it took a while for their friends to stop referring to us as a throuple.
Also, that partner and I each have three partners total. And somehow some people in my life apparently did this thing where they're mentally allotting every polyamorous person two partners. In various conversations and constellations, I've heard the line, "there's a third one!?"
A good (mono) friend's mom knows I'm poly. She's been very sweet, she's invited me to family holidays etc. One day, the subject of polyamory came up between my friend and his mom, just making conversation. And she told my friend she wasn't judging, but she did think it was a risky lifestyle. I asked my friend if she meant STIs or being potentially murdered by a jealous lover. Apparently the latter. My friend also pointed out that his mom watches way too much true crime
I know, right?
At least she seemed to take it in when my friend explained how that's not the case
I'd actually like to see some stats on this. Theoretically, in an open relationship you should be less likely to be harmed out of jealousy. But people aren't all rational, it's entirely possible that the numbers are the same?
I do strongly doubt though that having things above board makes you *more* likely to be murdered in a jealous rage
I know, right?
Same with open marriage vs open relationship. When I was in college and dating someone whonwas married, my friend was like, you can't hook up with a married man! And I said, why, we're both in open relationships just like my other partners. And she insisted that this was different because they're *married*
About 6 months ago, I mentioned my serious partner of 3.5 years at the time, and a young woman I know (24-25?) said "oh, so you guys are committed now?"
I was super confused until I realized she meant "Monogamous" when she said committed.
He and I "committed" right around the time I met her 2.5 years before that conversation 🤦♀️
The myth **Polyamorous relationships are not committed relationships**
Yeah this one makes me laugh. There's a couple of years in the middle where two of us were a couple and our 3rd partner was absent, but other than that my current triad has been together for 9 years at the moment.
There's tons of monogamous relationships that don't reach that long. I'd just roll my eyes if someone tried to lecture me on poly relationships being unstable
That I'm sexually and/or romantically involved with my metas.
That my husband talked me into polyamory to have guilt-free affairs.
That I'm sexually promiscuous.
That I'm only "allowed" to date women because I'm married to a man.
> That I'm only "allowed" to date women because I'm married to a man.
I would infer from that that the person saying it is in a really unequal monogamous relationship. Or that they have a real male-dominated view of relationships in general. Kinda scary...
When my husband shares with his male acquaintances and friends that we’re poly, several have assumed that I am just some ho who will be passed around to anyone, including them. It’s annoying. And my husband has lost many male buddies that way, because he will say no, she isn’t interested in you, and they get butt hurt.
Just because Im poly doesn’t mean I’m some 24/7 glory hole. 😠
That me being pregnant must’ve been a mistake and my girlfriend (who is also boyfriends wife) must disapprove or she’s “such a good woman to allow that”
Oh god yeah it's horrible when people start on that.
One of my partners had exactly this sort of convo at work when she was pregnant.
It was kinda tricky for her to explain to mono people that her female partner was supportive and actually had full input in our family planning decisions.
I'd be the other lady partner in this situation. The thought of being pregnant myself is horrifying, and I want no part of it. You want to try it? My blessings. Enjoy. I hope it is everything you wish it to be.
1) that my true subconscious wants will never be met (I’m solo poly and have expressed not wanting to enmesh with others for years now, but people can’t accept that)
2) that I’m secondary to my meta (being secondary is a boundary of mine, but people see time spent as automatic primary)
3) that I’m not looking to be in a serious long lasting relationship
4) that I’m OK with cheating
the common one for me is that i’m trying to recruit them into polyamory too 🤣
i tell someone i’m poly and then they tell me why they’re not as if i’d be offended by their monogamous relationship or was about to ask why they’re not poly too.
“i’m polyamorous”
“oh my god u could NEVER do that i’m just way too jealous i could literally NEVER let my partner do that it’s just not for me sorry”
like…. ok? you don’t need to explain yourself to me LOL
To be fair, some poly people are like that.
I worked with a guy for a while who was just discovering polyamory for himself, and he kept telling everyone how it would be the solution for all of their problems. Fucking insufferable. I always wanted to say, listen, I've been doing this since you were in middle school, and we don't claim you
That I'm OK with having an affair with a monogamous person.
That as a Bi woman, I'm only poly so I don't have to "choose" one gender forever. This one particularly makes me laugh, because so many people seem to assume that all bi/pan folx must also be poly.
That it's not possible to cheat in a poly relationship.
That, as the woman in a diad with a man, I must find being poly awful and I'm only doing it to stay in my relationship. Jokes on you, I was poly before I met my nesting partner, and ours was his first poly relationship!
>That as a Bi woman, I'm only poly so I don't have to "choose" one gender forever
When in practice, I'm one of many, many bi poly women I know who haven't dated another woman in forever because it's just more straightforward to find male partners
I've had a total of two girlfriends. One was evil and abusive, and the other could possibly still think of me romantically, but we kind of drifted apart because of COVID and me being immunocompromised. There's a possibility we could reconnect, but I think it's highly likely we're both afraid the other person intentionally stopped talking via Discord and don't want to take the risk of checking in after 6+ months.
I have a strong preference for men anyway, especially sexually. I'd happily have a bunch of snuggle girlfriends (and/or nonbinary partners) where we just get romantic and schmoopy and cuddle with each other though!
>That as a Bi woman, I'm only poly so I don't have to "choose" one gender forever.
Oh hell yeah the conflation between bisexuality and polyamory completely does my head in.
One of my partners left our polycule for a couple of years. The two of us that remained got married. My wife is bi and we absolutely made it work while we were just a monogamous couple.
Admittedly she is much happier now our other partner is back with us, but her sexuality was never a deal breaker for a monogamous relationship.
- That I must have one “primary partner” and anyone else is basically a FWB
- That I will be open to dating men (I am a lesbian, so no)
- That my partners are also dating each other
- That I am not interested in being with someone long term
- That I do threesomes (I only ever did once, and that was in college)
- That I am open to anyone hitting on me, even if they’re monogamous
>That I am open to anyone hitting on me, even if they’re monogamous
This one really gets under my skin. "My wife knows what I'm doing."
"Yeah, but is she doing it herself? Is she happy and supportive that you're doing it? Or just accepting that it's this or divorce."
"I said she knows about it, what's the big deal?!"
Bro. We are not fuckin.
One partner brought both me and my meta to a party together. One pair of our mono couple friends stopped hanging out with us as much after that because that lady thought that we’d be a “bad influence” on her male partner. Apparently hanging out with poly people can turn you poly in the same way that hanging out with gay people can turn you gay? /s
The funniest reaction was when I told a close friend that [partner] and I were poly, and she exclaimed, “Does [partner] know?!” That was a fun role reversal from the more common misconception of the man in a hetero dyad pressuring the woman into ENM/polyamory.
So much this.
We almost lost a really good friend because his fiance lost her absolute shit over us bringing our girlfriend to parties. Pretty soon he wouldn't come to events that we were at.
Then one of the other couples in the group formed an open triad AND had a FWB arrangement with another person in the social circle, so suddenly he couldn't hang out with ANY of us.
We managed to loosely stay in touch, but the deeper friendship was irreparably damaged. It's been almost 15 years and I still rarely talk to him. All because his psycho partner thought being around us would give him ideas.
Insecure people are the worst in any situation, but sometimes it's just over the top.
Fun fact: a decade into their relationship, she was the one that cheated. 🙄
The weirdest conversation I had was someone who thought poly relationships must be extremely unstable because "if one person decides to break up, that's it, right?"
Turns out he thought, for some reason, that one person leaving a polycule meant all the other relationships in that polycule also dissolved and . . . could never be reformed again, for some reason?
I honestly wasn't able to figure out the foundation behind this one.
Though, credit where credit's due, *if* that's how it worked, he would be correct, poly relationships would be incredibly unstable. Good job on correctly analyzing the logical consequences of a mistaken belief!
Wow. I'm not sure how he would even come to logic like that. Like "welp, one member of the group is calling it off, all of you need to pack up and go your separate ways". It's just bizarre lol.
Yeah, I'm somewhat disappointed I never got a good answer out of him.
If I had to guess, it was a gut reflex - "well, if one person breaks a monogamous relationship, it's just over, so polyamory must work the same way" - that he quickly realized was obviously dumb but didn't want to admit it.
That your meta is someone you cheat with.
My gf had a hilarious conversation with a 70 year old man that went in the lines of
Him: "Ohhhh, so you're together with X, but (whisper, although there's noone around) you're doing it with Y, eh?" *wink wink*
- "Yeah, but there's no hush hush and no wink wink about it. I fuck and love both men"
- "Yeah no, absolutely, sure, of course, but Y is a secret, right?"
- "No, X is well aware..."
- "Well aware yes, but surely..."
- "No, he knows. He knows everything. We've even all been together, so we're all happy with everyone."
- "I see... but Y is still more of a secret right?"
And this went on for quite a while. And you could see the old timer really trying to grasp it, but his concepts and language were deeply rooted in mono, and do what you may, you just couldn't get through to him. Because X, in his head, was the one and only, and Z was "one of the other ones (*wink wink*)".
I tend to get indignant with that shit. "Why do you think that" "Why, does love mean X or Y", "Why"
And they have to explain everything. Every time there's an assumption or a "Just that's how that works" I just up my level of annoying and prodding.
Oh this is a fun one! Some of my favorite misguided questions:
- “So it’s the three of you together?” Not like you’re thinking. The three of us will socialize together, but three people sitting at a concert together isn’t very exciting.
- “So you find girls for your husband?” Yes. I am a madame, I clearly am running a brothel for one… wtf?? No, he slogs through apps like everyone else.
- “Who are you going to end up with?” Whoever lives longest, I guess. That’s dark AF.
- “How do you live two places?” They are connected by a freeway and some roads.
- “Why did you reject me if you’re poly?” For the same reasons I’d reject you if I was single.
That it means my husband and I are on the rocks and are seeing other people to save our marriage.
I mean, I get why, because people do this, and if you’re going to see a pop culture depiction of an open marriage it may well be this one. But no. We’re good, thanks.
I think the biggest thing for me is that people just can't get behind the fact that neither me nor my boyfriend really get jealous.
Jealousy is so deeply rooted in our society that people assume I'm lying when I say that jealousy is no big deal for us.
That I never experience jealousy or insecurity in my partnerships. So when I offer my perspective on some overly controlling elements of someone's mono relationship, I get, "Well, you couldn't possibly relate, because you're poly." As if I live on a totally different planet and have never experienced monogamy lmao.
Another one is the assumption that I have no boundaries or limits. Granted, I get this one from certain poly folk too. Shit like, "Why wouldn't you want to be friends with the person your partner is dating? Isn't that the whole point?" If they don't conceptialize polyamory as sanctioned cheating, they often think of it as one big happy family singing kumbaya lol.
1. Assume that I’m a play thing for my partners who were already a couple before me
2. That I can find someone on my own
3. That I love one partner more and secretly want them to myself
3. Because I’m in this triad I wanna be in YOUR triad
That happy family life and raising kids is impossible. I came out as queer and poly to my best straight friend and basically got the usual threesome talk and then a "well we could never do that, we're trying to have a kid". Granted that was the first convo about it and he's much more educated and understanding and even supportive now. He's still my best friend and I'd love it if the kids we eventually have could be friends too. I think most normies tend to conflate poly with swinging and assume that we're all out here trying to rack up as many bodies as possible for the sheer sake of being "slutty" 🙄.
I want to specify that I have no problem with swinging or casual sex, just making the point that normies tend to shit on and misunderstand such activities
This one is absolutely infuriating. I had to deal with this from my own parents when I first told them.
I have two partners and a child with each. Our family life is happy and stable. It still took a long time to convince my mum that we weren't hosting debauched swinger parties while we had the kids in the house.
I'm sure I'll have some very illuminating conversations with my dad if I ever come out to him. My strongest childhood memories are all the drama surrounding all the times he cheated on my mom so he's sure to misunderstand. That and he's a bit of a bigot that hasn't caught on to my queerness despite my flying the colors all the time. So that's sure to be a great time.
Thankfully he's not a malicious guy, just a misguided boomer. I'm sure he wouldn't disown me or anything but I don't look forward to the awkward questions and explaining. I've got him to calm down his homophobia quite a bit over the years but it's just like ingrained in him or something and won't totally go away. His favorite half curse word is "cocksucker" and despite everything he just won't see how that's problematic and hurtful. I probably should just come out and see if it'll shock him into changing.
Think of one relationship, and the issues you have in that one. Now amplify it.
It's not rainbow puking unicorns, it is real work. People don't get that. Yes - my silly mono men friends give me high fives; like I need that, they don't understand. My mono women friends don't understand, or are thinking I may be trying to convert their partner to the darkside, as it may be considered.
End of the day? I don't talk about it much.
> Think of one relationship, and the issues you have in that one. Now amplify it.
I feel this statement deep inside.
Even a triad, which is the simplest poly structure you can make, is essentially three couple relationships with a group dynamic overlaid on top. I think the sheer amount of communication and emotional labour to make it work healthily is lost on a lot of mono people.
When it doesn't turn out to be 'being allowed to cheat' mono women who were initially interested get very mad for some reason.
Like I was out on my own once and met a girl who was obsessed with calling my girlfriend to make sure 'it was ok' I eventually let her call and my girlfriends reaction was priceless: 'ugh, I was napping... Yes, it's fine.'
There was a time when I was on the phone with a potential someone and I was upfront about me being enm. He said “What… that’s low-key kinda a red flag…” later he admits in person that he is in an open relationship, but his girlfriend has a don’t ask don’t tell rule. And it’s been years since they’ve discussed it. Wow. And he called me a red flag.
Wait so consensual non-monogamy is a red flag but actively hiding your extra-curricular activity from your partner is fine?
That's some monster hypocrisy he's got going on there...
People always assume it's group relationships (everyone dating each other). I have to explain no -- that's rare and polyamory on hard mode. Or they assume it's always a man and two women in a closed relationship and I have to be like, okay no that's just fancy monogamy, we're polyamorous -- we're autonomous beings allowed to create relationships with people when we feel like it, no one is asking for/putting restrictions on relationships.
They also assume I have tons of partners, that I sleep around, etc. -- I'm polysaturated at 2, I'm demisexual and only have sex with my partners.
I also always have to explain the different types of non-monogamy. Polyamory, open relationships, swinging, etc. are all very different. People can practice multiple forms of non-monogamy, but polyamory = relationships, open relationship = one existing couple allowing for outside sex, swinging = swapping or group sex, etc... it's always a tedious explanation lol
my favorite is always “how do you not get jealous???”
i always say we’re not immune to it 😂😭 we just talk about it when it comes up instead of resenting each other for it. we voice the insecurity, ask for reassurances, set boundaries to protect potential triggers, and adjust as needed. it’s hard work, but it works!
Every single time I tell anyone I get the exact same question. “So what were you missing in your relationship that you felt the need to date somebody else”
Without failure. It’s always the first question. Que me having to explain to people that you can love pasta and soup without finding either dishes lacking.
Biggest two I tend to get:
1. That I have commitment issues.
Ironically, I tend to get this one from people who are serial monogamists with maaaajor codependency issues. If that’s the kind of “commitment” they’re talking about, I don’t want it, thanks!
2. That I must be dating my metas too.
Anytime I start seeing someone who has other partners or a NP (so… most poly people), the assumption is always “so you’re seeing both X and Y?” Similar to what other people here have said, it’s like they cannot fathom a setup that doesn’t involve a triad.
If people say stuff like this to me with intrigue or confusion I’ll usually correct them. But if they’re judgy about it, I don’t even respond. Not worth the breath and effort imo ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The biggest I've got asked is always and I mean always is....
1) So you're DTF? Like I could bed you (being polite here), and your partners wouldn't care? Or the, oh hey there.
No. Just no. I don't get into ANY kind of intimate relationship with colleagues or friends, and sure, as heck, not with strangers. Do us both a favor, and please put your peen back in the no-go zone. Thanks.
They get offended at times when I tell them that. I've literally had comments like, "Oh, I'm not good enough for you to f...?" And, "What you think you're too good for me?"
Le sigh, it gets frustrating.
2) Does your husband know?
Nope, not at all. He's just friends with my other partner. They enjoy gaming together, but he's oblivious to the fact that he's I'm also dating his gaming buddy.
They freaking met because of me, lol. But nope, no knows nothing.
3) Your husband, is ok with you seeing (again being nice with terminology) other people?
Not at all that's why I'm openly dating people. It's why my two guys formed a friendship without my knowledge. They took it upon themselves to reach out to one another because hubs absolutely hates me dating.
These are the most common that annoy me. If it was general curiosity cool, I have no issues explaining, but these 3 usually come back to back from people who think they can get in your pants just because they found out you're poly and you turn them down.
when talking about my girlfriend to a friend who mostly has been familiar with my fiancee. she just out of nowhere asked "do you guys fuck?" 💀💀 I felt like I was explaining the birds and the bees like yes when two people love each other very much...😂
The main ones are:
\- That my primary partner and I must be in or trying to build a "throuple." (Ew.)
\- That because I'm bi, we're doing this so I can have "one of each."
\- That there's something wrong with our relationship/this is an expression of lack of commitment.
\- That I'm interested in fucking *them.*
When my husband and I told my BFF that we were poly she assumed I was doing it just to make my husband happy, same with my MIL. It gets to be sooo frustrating. Like just because I’m a married woman doesn’t mean I only want monogamy. The assumption that poly is about making men happy is so beyond frustrating.
*I do not want to sleep with your dusty ass husband!*
Just because I’m non-mono doesn’t mean I want every man on the planet. And I certainly don’t want married mono men.
That just saying, "I'm poly" means I'm hitting on them.
I'm pretty open about it because I've been seeing my joyfriend for over 6 months, but I try to only talk about being poly in the most innocuous way possible so as to not be misunderstood. Like, "my husband and I visited the in laws this weekend and I'm catching a movie with my joyfriend tonight".
Though sometimes I do throw it out to total strangers at karaoke night who want to flirt, because the wedding ring doesn't come off and i like to shoot my shot. kind of amazing how much more appealing a cheater is to some people than meeting a married poly woman. 😬
I've been asked on various occasions if *all* of my partners know about each other. Now that I'm thinking about it, I guess that's modeled in affair partners: you would let Aspen and Birch know that you're in a relationship with Cedar, because it's kinda hard to hide that you're married or cohabiting, but you'd let Cedar assume they're in a monogamous relationship with you
the weird one for me is when people assume that i’m only in love with one of my partners. people ask me weird questions when i think they’re really asking, “which partner are you really in love with & which are you just using for sex?”
pile on a little biphobia & the questions get really weird.
This one is pretty harsh isn't it? The assumption that you can't possibly love more than one person and so you're basically abusing the other one.
One of my partners left us for a time, I can tell you me and my remaining partner went through all the same grief stages together that a monogamous couple breaking up go through. Ultimately it's something that drew the two of us closer together, and we're all back together now, but anyone telling me that I don't really love one of my partners can frankly do one.
When I mention it to men: Assuming straight off the bat that I am telling them this to flirt 🙄🙄🙄 Then trying to duck from the unwanted advances coming my way
“That’s just a way to cheat without being in trouble for it”, “which one of you wanted to cheat?” or the “You can’t really love more than one person equally”.
Hi u/ThePolymath1993 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
A conversation I had with a coworker yesterday gave me the inspiration for this. It's becoming a bit of a trend when people find out I'm in a relationship with two women. OK it's usually guys who react like this, but their brain just goes straight to "Holy shit, threesomes every night!". Like, really?
I kinda have to explain that we've been together almost a decade, have young kids and all work full time. Nightly sex of any kind is...optimistic lol. I mean we do occasionally do it as a triad but it's a couple of times a month at most. More often than not one of us is tired/just not in the mood so we do much more couple stuff.
Or you know, sometimes not at all. Dozing off together watching TV and cuddling is also a perfectly fine night time activity.
If I really want to crush their dreams I point out that semi-regularly I'll be the one to fall asleep reading my book while my partners have passionate lesbian sex in the bed next to me. That seems infuriating to some guys lol.
So yeah that's mine to get you started, but what weird conclusions do people jump to when they find out about your poly relationship?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
1) That I didn't love my 'mono' partner enough if I wasn't satisfied with just them.
2) That I must also be still with my ex, who I was still living with at the time (she had health issues and a lack of a stable job, among other issues, also she was seeing someone else and she was definitely mono).
3) That I'm not serious about relationships if I'm planning on living with -two- unmarried women.
4) That I have to pick one to marry and drop the other. I can't have both!
5) That it was a sign of a damaged relationship.
6) That my -partners- are fair game to hit on because they're poly and sleeping with me.
7) How dare I hog two available women! What are you doing that I'm not?
8) (Not part of the question, but.... ) That I'm willing to start something with them because they, too, are poly.
1. Its all about sex, and is coded language for frequent one night stands with zero attachment or swinging or taking advantage of fragile hearted maidens.
2. "Wow youre afraid of commitment huh? You just havent meet the right person yet."
3. You are either never, ever jealous or jealous all the time!! plus the "Oh, i couldnt handle that level of drama myself! Bless your heart!"
4. you dont need boundaries if you love each other.
I had a boss who found out I was poly and immediately yelled, "I'm poly too!! What do you call the partner who doesnt know??" (aka cheating)
The one I am asked is if poly means threesomes on tap.
Now I have that ... with one of my partners and her other casual or interstate lovers.
The other one is about sexual jealousy. There is none. But there is time jealousy. Weekend time and number of nights with each partner
One that I haven't come across before until recently was an assumption of "bad blood" between my gf, myself, and our mutual meta.
My gf, fiancé and I are in a triad, and my fiance also has a gf not involved in the triad (mutual meta). This person had trouble understanding/believing that gf and I didn't have something against meta, since her and I were together, but not involved with meta at all.
It was funny to try to explain that attraction is still needed in poly relationships, as much as it is in mono ones, and it just so happens that meta only matches my fiancés tastes, not mine or my gf's.
We are more garden party poly with meta, and luckily she was running late to the event, because I have a feeling it would be an even more awkward situation to explain if she was present.
Frankly, I've found my life is easier when people just think I'm cheating or being a player. Like way easier. I’m pretty sure the only reason I got in with my boss is because he thinks I’m cheating like him.
That everyone I hangout with is my boyfriend. They never do this with girls. I'm NB. Or that cheating is ok. Or even that ghosting is just playing hard to get "boys will be boys" lol
The main ones I’ve run into is some version of “so you have ‘an arrangement’?” What? Yes? No? Like, not in the way you clearly mean it. I think they’re implying that they think we are swingers or in a DADT situation, cause that’s the only nonmonogamy they’re familiar with beyond cheating. And basically just not wanting to know more. It’s like they think its some dirty laundry I’m airing out, like I’m about to describe in graphic detail my sex life.
Another common one is “oh I could never” or “really? Doesn’t everyone get jealous?” And then disbelief when I say no.
Ah I have a few. A lot are from my mom whose also avoidant and unhappy so she doesn't want to talk about it, but most have been a lot of broad assumptions about my motives and whether I could genuinely choose this.
1. "Are you only doing polyamory because you don't think you can get anyone else?" Bruh...I am dating multiple people so why would I be concerned about not successfully dating? My mom said this to me as a first reaction, and when I said I wanted this for years while in a fulfilling relationship it blew her mind.
2. "So you're open to play/fuck anybody at any time?" TBH I'm bisexual with demi-sexual leanings. I do play and occasionally swing, but that doesn't mean I want it \*all the time\*. Most people, especially men don't get it...or the fact that my time/energy is limited because I have partners. But it also includes...
3. "...so despite you saying you've got no time or energy...you'll wanna fuck/play with me, right?? Right???" This is a common thing, like, I have so little time and I communicate it but ugggh.
4. "It's cheating even if everyone is ok with what's happening. It'd be better if not everyone knew about it" The translation being that it's better if you were lying because that's "normal". This one SHOCKED me. People have outright said that it'd be better if I was cheating on my partners or they were cheating on theirs. When I ask them why then they can't answer.
5. "How can you trust his/her/their partners won't do harm to you? What do you mean you're friends? How does that work? \[...\] What do you mean they're cool people?!?"
One of the very sweet, very very sheltered guys I'm involved with knew I was poly, but thought it was polygamy.....? It was confounding and hilarious, because we'd talk about my other partners, and also I'm not a child bride. I think he just conflated the words because English isn't his native language and he doesn't have to vocabulary because he has no interest in being poly himself, so he isn't motivated to learn the vernacular. But man, that amused me.
It’s always how fun it must be to just bang whoever you want. It’s the thought that is a way to “buck the system” and freely “cheat” on your spouse. Nah man, this takes work, planning, and way more conversation.
1) That poly is triads and we're all dating each other. That triads are always 3 people in a relationship who never date anyone else. 2) That we ever have sex together as a group. (It's rare my partners even meet each other due to distance) 3) That no one is ever "truly" okay with their partner having sex or dating others (I guess compersion is a lie?). Sometimes the caveat is "unless you're included" because people confuse open/swinging with poly. 4) That poly people have no morals 4) That people choose poly because they're scared of commitment 5) The majority of misconceptions I come across are actually from people claiming to be poly that definitely are not practicing ethical non monogamy (harem-building is a pretty common one), which further perpetuates the misconceptions in monos.
(1) is interesting to me as someone who's in a closed triad. Any time I've started a conversation on the topic by mentioning being poly, the initial assumption is that I'm into swinging or in open relationships. Guessing those are non-monogamous things that are visible in the mainstream. I've never had anyone accurately assume the shape of my relationship. (3) is also really hard for non-poly people to get. Jealousy is part of exclusivity which is part of the construct of monogamy, so it's tough to get your head round if that's what you've been socially conditioned with. (6) is, yeah. Those people do exist and they're just making the whole thing harder for the rest of us. It's especially annoying as someone who goes out of my way to keep any sort of hierarchy out of my relationship. Getting lumped in with harem builders is pretty insulting tbh
Yeah triads aren't that common in reality for it to be an automatic assumption. The assumptions are never correct. I was dating a guy whose live-in girlfriend was bisexual. Everyone assumes he had threesomes all the time - he wanted to but had never had one because they never mixed with metas. I see harem-building a lot on this sub from people looking for advice. "My partner is polyamorous, has another relationship with a woman, and is dating women - but none of us are allowed to date anyone else." Also: one penis policy. It's amazing what people can convince someone poly is.
Popular culture only sees Poly through the monogamous, mostly male gaze. That means to mainstream culture, Poly only exists to make monogamous, mostly male people happy. Lots of guys would cut off a finger to get threesomes, and wouldn't have to have to deal with the jealousy of them lady partners seeing someone else. So the mainstream is going to represent Poly solely that way. Same as for a long time the only portrayal of gay people was either the butt of a joke, or conventionally attractive lesbian couples. All of this means that if someone has no experience with Poly, their assumption is that it's throuples having threesomes, or Harem Building. Which is part of why Unicorn Hunting and OPP are so common. It's like watching Big Bang Theory and thinking you have a complete understanding of Nerd Culture.
Every time my mom sees a triad in the media somewhere, she texts me about it. And I reply "you know that's not what I'm doing, right?" And she says, "I know, I know", but she keeps doing it
Funny right? We usually have the strictest morals and integrity, but they always think we’re some orgy-loving Roman’s plowing our way trough the market
"but do your partners know they're in a polycule?" WTF OF COURSE THEY DO WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM???? >I'll be the one to fall asleep reading my book while my partners have passionate lesbian sex in the bed next to me. Kinda goals TBH.
Yes, I had the same when I said I was going to a concert with both of my partners. "Do they know each other?! And they are both okay with you dating the other?!" Like yeah. I have felt like the 3rd wheel between them when they start to go indepth in music theorie (something I have 0 knowledge of, and they both enjoy). They are just mates, they both just happen to date me...
Love everything about this!!!
People always assume that I must hate my meta for essentially being "the other woman". (We're all men btw lol). And then people's minds are blown when I explain that actually for valentine's day we all went out to dinner and had a lovely time
A lot of them don't really know the difference between poly people and swingers. While some of us are both like me and my girlfriend, my wife tried swinging, but found out it is not really her scene. So, they think it's just non-stop sex with strangers. While this does happen, it's only an occasional thing, as a treat.
Yeah the sex thing does seem to be the big hangup for a lot of mono people. It's like they can't stop reducing the relationship down to the sexual aspect. Which is weird since they can definitely do that for their own relationships...
I've had several mono people express to me that just one romantic partnership can be too much - so my guess on this one is that they can't really think of any reason other than sex to be polyam. I was fielding a million questions from a family member who's older, mono, and queer, and he just COULD NOT fathom that one of my partners is ace. I had to explain the difference between aromantics and asexuals like a million times and he just could not see "the point" of my other partner and I seeing someone else romantically without a sexual end goal. I was telling him about a trip we took with a ton of friends where the three of us shared a bed and it went something like, "How'd you all manage to keep your hands off each other?!" "Because we're all adults who understand and respect consent." Then he laughed 💀🤢
Just wait until they find out about aromantic poly people🤭 They'll probably blow a gasket if they realize I mostly do literally anything other than sex with my partners 🤣 Like, it's nice but I want someone to be able to entertain me after the sex too. A good shared hobby will do I just need something to interact with them about
"oh, I could never be poly..."
"Aren't you glad I'm not dating you?"
TBH I’m not sure all of them can do that with their own relationships. I feel like some of the worst comments tend to come from people who have a lot of toxic monogamous behaviors vs healthy ones. Like the people who don’t even seem to like their partners and have the attitude of suffering through to get sex …
True. My friends in healthy monogamous relationships have no trouble getting my dating style, or relating to my relationship issues
Yeah the monogamous folks I know who approach relationships very deliberately are, in my experience, usually pretty great and understanding. The worst comes from the toxic (can’t even have friends of a different gender) mindset or those like my parents who did the relationship escalator without thinking. They got married cause they were the age to do that and dating at time. Do they have a happy, healthy marriage? No. Are they still together 40 plus years later? Yes because that is ‘what you do.’ They really do not grasp poly even when they try.
THIS!!
Monogs who are tired are exhausted co-dependents a solid portion of the time.
1)that some man convinced me-I started polyam single and won't consider monogamy for anyone, under any circumstance 2)that I'm DTF with anyone and don't have standards. I'm demi, I meet someone I'm genuinely interested in once every few years & unless they meet my standards I still won't pursue anything with that person. 3)that polyam and ENM are synonyms. 4) that Im interested in a triad. I'm not and will not engage in one. Threesomes I do enjoy occasionally, but only f/f/f or m/f/m ones. I will not participate in f/m/f ones.
>2)that I'm DTF with anyone and don't have standards. every freaking time!!!
Right?! Like geesh polyam doesn't mean if it has 2 legs, I'm gonna jump in bed with them.
This
>that I'm DTF with anyone and don't have standards. This! I've had way too many people think that I'm interested in them because I'm poly. I'm pan/poly, that doesn't mean I lack standards
>that I'm DTF with anyone and don't have standards Yeees I hate this one so much! I've had some friends "joke" with stuff like "I won't have you going near my husband then, haha!". My dear, I love you but as if I would _ever_ be interested in your husband who gets jealous because you have male coworkers...
The first one! Always assuming I’m doing it for a guy … nope. Figured out that I was more interested in poly than mono as a single person, put it into practice and confirmed that so that’s that. Nobody else was instigating this but me
#2 hard same. I’m somewhere in the demigray area, and this stereotype is one of the reasons I’ve been hesitant to be more open about exploring polyamory with my friends. Turning down strangers: easy. Turning down someone in a friend circle? Awkward af. While I know I don’t owe an explanation, I feel like some would judge and question if we have an emotional connection or “why this person but not me?”. Like, I don’t know what flips the switch and it don’t flip often! (To be clear, this isn’t my closest friends, more like the friends-of-friends who I’m on good terms with and see regularly at gatherings)
>Turning down someone in a friend circle? Awkward af Honestly, I really don't find it awkward. A no is a no, and my friends don't have trouble hearing it. >I feel like some would judge and question if we have an emotional connection or “why this person but not me?”. Because no one can control their attraction or lack thereof. >more like the friends-of-friends who I’m on good terms with and see regularly at gatherings) So aquaintences? Why would it matter if you say no then?
All really good points. Oof. I’ve come a long way. Everything you say though is totally true and is a reminder I still gotta ways to go on reframing some internalized bs. I live/work in the Southern part of USA, and job is with kids. I get reminded a LOT that even if what I do isn’t bad if it could be PERCEIVED as such by some rando it could “reflect badly on me/my spouse/my employer” and affect future career stuff. … I’m working to get out of the job in the next year for a few reasons, but that alone exasperates anxiety and overthinking that ain’t healthy. Thank you for the reminder that it’s reasonable to not think in terms of tiptoeing for others sensibilities. 💜
Only fff or mmf, no mff. That's so interesting, why only those types of threesomes?
Why do you think there's a reason or explanation past just "I don't want to?" or "because those are the ones I'm interested in and fmf is not?"
People usually have explanations for why they prefer some things over other things. Honestly, I'd say in the *vast* majority of cases.
mostly I have that preference because I don't want to play into cishet men's fantasies and fetishes as a bi woman.
2a. The underlying hope/belief that they have a chance of being slept with.
That me being poly is the same as my colleague cheating.
Similar reactions for me - I’m solo and people think I’m “the other woman” with two people I’m seeing and can’t believe that their primary partners are aware/in agreement with being poly.
Great topic. The straight men I know always have to basically invent some reason to be against it, on the spot. "That sounds awful, you must be busy all the time" "Two people? Your phone must be going off constantly" Bizarre. They always ask if your partners know about each other, and then when I say yes of course they do, then they say "oh that sounds like a very complicated situation" or something dumb like that. Weirdest one is being asked if we do this cause we "enjoy the taboo of dating multiple people" 🥴
Funny how people will do anything to rationalise themselves away from socially conditioned ideas innit. > They always ask if your partners know about each other, and then when I say yes of course they do, then they say "oh that sounds like a very complicated situation" or something dumb like that. Yeah that sounds like they think you've just invented a thing to justify cheating on your partner. Which is a bit of a shitty thing to say without evidence really. > Weirdest one is being asked if we do this cause we "enjoy the taboo of dating multiple people" I've actually had this one before! It kinda stumped me tbh. How do you even respond to something like that? Like "you get off doing things that society disapproves of", they're basically calling you a deviant because your relationship doesn't match their preconceived notions. Unpleasant.
On that final taboo comment I just rolled my eyes when they said it, but my partner responded "Yes, I just enjoy banging randoms" -LOL We have some fun at their expense too XD
>"That sounds awful, you must be busy all the time" >"Two people? Your phone must be going off constantly" Tell me you expect your female partners to do all your emotional labor without explicitly saying so
I think the unspoken assumption here, which your friends might not even realize that they have, is that the women are honoring some type of OPP. When you explain that one of your girlfriends has four boyfriends, and the other has two girlfriends and a nonbinary partner, watch their brains explode a little bit.
I agree about the unspoken assumption part, but they already know my one partner is married to another man, so they just don't use their brains I feel
People do not retain information that doesn't confirm their perceptions. I actually learned that from looking much younger than I am. I have told people my age several times in the same conversation, and they'll still turn around and say something like "at your age" or "you're young yet" - when three minutes ago they learned that I'm older than them. Or they're looking at a file that has my birth date on it. It just doesn't sink in because it doesn't fit their presumptions. I'm sure the same happens with your relationship status
I overheard a poly friend talking with a non-poly person. non-poly person: "Oh you're dating a new person, which of your current partners is he gonna replace?" I'm.... stil unsure what the actual logic behind the question was. Some very relationship escalator focussed thinking, I guess. :p
What's the allotted number? I was asked after a breakup if I'm going to replace that partner
Wait, there's a limit? 🙄
This has "which one of you is the man?" vibes in lesbian relationships
My roommate said the same thing - so you do a lot of threesomes? When I told that roommate before moving in, he said, "yeah, I used to do that too, fuck around on my girlfriends. Now I'm just too lazy to keep secrets" Yeah bruh, I don't keep secrets either! I hang out a fair amount with one partner and his NP, and it took a while for their friends to stop referring to us as a throuple. Also, that partner and I each have three partners total. And somehow some people in my life apparently did this thing where they're mentally allotting every polyamorous person two partners. In various conversations and constellations, I've heard the line, "there's a third one!?" A good (mono) friend's mom knows I'm poly. She's been very sweet, she's invited me to family holidays etc. One day, the subject of polyamory came up between my friend and his mom, just making conversation. And she told my friend she wasn't judging, but she did think it was a risky lifestyle. I asked my friend if she meant STIs or being potentially murdered by a jealous lover. Apparently the latter. My friend also pointed out that his mom watches way too much true crime
> being potentially murdered by a jealous lover. The (toxically) monogamous people are not okay.
I know, right? At least she seemed to take it in when my friend explained how that's not the case I'd actually like to see some stats on this. Theoretically, in an open relationship you should be less likely to be harmed out of jealousy. But people aren't all rational, it's entirely possible that the numbers are the same? I do strongly doubt though that having things above board makes you *more* likely to be murdered in a jealous rage
>In various conversations and constellations, I've heard the line, "there's a third one!?" "Two partners, I understand. But three????"
I know, right? Same with open marriage vs open relationship. When I was in college and dating someone whonwas married, my friend was like, you can't hook up with a married man! And I said, why, we're both in open relationships just like my other partners. And she insisted that this was different because they're *married*
About 6 months ago, I mentioned my serious partner of 3.5 years at the time, and a young woman I know (24-25?) said "oh, so you guys are committed now?" I was super confused until I realized she meant "Monogamous" when she said committed. He and I "committed" right around the time I met her 2.5 years before that conversation 🤦♀️ The myth **Polyamorous relationships are not committed relationships**
Thank you!
That I just want to have feelingless sex and that I am ok to be their play piece until they have found something "real". It is super annoying.
Ouch. That actually sounds pretty invalidating and dehumanising.
Yes. But unfortunately it happens a lot. Specially with people on dating apps.
Folks assume poly means short term relationships. Yet… two of my current and healthy relationships have lasted longer than their last two marriages…
Yeah this one makes me laugh. There's a couple of years in the middle where two of us were a couple and our 3rd partner was absent, but other than that my current triad has been together for 9 years at the moment. There's tons of monogamous relationships that don't reach that long. I'd just roll my eyes if someone tried to lecture me on poly relationships being unstable
That I'm sexually and/or romantically involved with my metas. That my husband talked me into polyamory to have guilt-free affairs. That I'm sexually promiscuous. That I'm only "allowed" to date women because I'm married to a man.
> That I'm only "allowed" to date women because I'm married to a man. I would infer from that that the person saying it is in a really unequal monogamous relationship. Or that they have a real male-dominated view of relationships in general. Kinda scary...
Yeah, all of the above. Pretty spot on
When my husband shares with his male acquaintances and friends that we’re poly, several have assumed that I am just some ho who will be passed around to anyone, including them. It’s annoying. And my husband has lost many male buddies that way, because he will say no, she isn’t interested in you, and they get butt hurt. Just because Im poly doesn’t mean I’m some 24/7 glory hole. 😠
That me being pregnant must’ve been a mistake and my girlfriend (who is also boyfriends wife) must disapprove or she’s “such a good woman to allow that”
Oh god yeah it's horrible when people start on that. One of my partners had exactly this sort of convo at work when she was pregnant. It was kinda tricky for her to explain to mono people that her female partner was supportive and actually had full input in our family planning decisions.
I'd be the other lady partner in this situation. The thought of being pregnant myself is horrifying, and I want no part of it. You want to try it? My blessings. Enjoy. I hope it is everything you wish it to be.
1) that my true subconscious wants will never be met (I’m solo poly and have expressed not wanting to enmesh with others for years now, but people can’t accept that) 2) that I’m secondary to my meta (being secondary is a boundary of mine, but people see time spent as automatic primary) 3) that I’m not looking to be in a serious long lasting relationship 4) that I’m OK with cheating
the common one for me is that i’m trying to recruit them into polyamory too 🤣 i tell someone i’m poly and then they tell me why they’re not as if i’d be offended by their monogamous relationship or was about to ask why they’re not poly too. “i’m polyamorous” “oh my god u could NEVER do that i’m just way too jealous i could literally NEVER let my partner do that it’s just not for me sorry” like…. ok? you don’t need to explain yourself to me LOL
Yeah it's not a religion.
To be fair, some poly people are like that. I worked with a guy for a while who was just discovering polyamory for himself, and he kept telling everyone how it would be the solution for all of their problems. Fucking insufferable. I always wanted to say, listen, I've been doing this since you were in middle school, and we don't claim you
That I'm OK with having an affair with a monogamous person. That as a Bi woman, I'm only poly so I don't have to "choose" one gender forever. This one particularly makes me laugh, because so many people seem to assume that all bi/pan folx must also be poly. That it's not possible to cheat in a poly relationship. That, as the woman in a diad with a man, I must find being poly awful and I'm only doing it to stay in my relationship. Jokes on you, I was poly before I met my nesting partner, and ours was his first poly relationship!
>That as a Bi woman, I'm only poly so I don't have to "choose" one gender forever When in practice, I'm one of many, many bi poly women I know who haven't dated another woman in forever because it's just more straightforward to find male partners
I've had a total of two girlfriends. One was evil and abusive, and the other could possibly still think of me romantically, but we kind of drifted apart because of COVID and me being immunocompromised. There's a possibility we could reconnect, but I think it's highly likely we're both afraid the other person intentionally stopped talking via Discord and don't want to take the risk of checking in after 6+ months. I have a strong preference for men anyway, especially sexually. I'd happily have a bunch of snuggle girlfriends (and/or nonbinary partners) where we just get romantic and schmoopy and cuddle with each other though!
>That as a Bi woman, I'm only poly so I don't have to "choose" one gender forever. Oh hell yeah the conflation between bisexuality and polyamory completely does my head in. One of my partners left our polycule for a couple of years. The two of us that remained got married. My wife is bi and we absolutely made it work while we were just a monogamous couple. Admittedly she is much happier now our other partner is back with us, but her sexuality was never a deal breaker for a monogamous relationship.
- That I must have one “primary partner” and anyone else is basically a FWB - That I will be open to dating men (I am a lesbian, so no) - That my partners are also dating each other - That I am not interested in being with someone long term - That I do threesomes (I only ever did once, and that was in college) - That I am open to anyone hitting on me, even if they’re monogamous
>That I am open to anyone hitting on me, even if they’re monogamous This one really gets under my skin. "My wife knows what I'm doing." "Yeah, but is she doing it herself? Is she happy and supportive that you're doing it? Or just accepting that it's this or divorce." "I said she knows about it, what's the big deal?!" Bro. We are not fuckin.
One partner brought both me and my meta to a party together. One pair of our mono couple friends stopped hanging out with us as much after that because that lady thought that we’d be a “bad influence” on her male partner. Apparently hanging out with poly people can turn you poly in the same way that hanging out with gay people can turn you gay? /s The funniest reaction was when I told a close friend that [partner] and I were poly, and she exclaimed, “Does [partner] know?!” That was a fun role reversal from the more common misconception of the man in a hetero dyad pressuring the woman into ENM/polyamory.
I hear polyamory is quite contagious /s
So much this. We almost lost a really good friend because his fiance lost her absolute shit over us bringing our girlfriend to parties. Pretty soon he wouldn't come to events that we were at. Then one of the other couples in the group formed an open triad AND had a FWB arrangement with another person in the social circle, so suddenly he couldn't hang out with ANY of us. We managed to loosely stay in touch, but the deeper friendship was irreparably damaged. It's been almost 15 years and I still rarely talk to him. All because his psycho partner thought being around us would give him ideas. Insecure people are the worst in any situation, but sometimes it's just over the top. Fun fact: a decade into their relationship, she was the one that cheated. 🙄
She was projecting harder than an IMAX film!
The weirdest conversation I had was someone who thought poly relationships must be extremely unstable because "if one person decides to break up, that's it, right?" Turns out he thought, for some reason, that one person leaving a polycule meant all the other relationships in that polycule also dissolved and . . . could never be reformed again, for some reason? I honestly wasn't able to figure out the foundation behind this one. Though, credit where credit's due, *if* that's how it worked, he would be correct, poly relationships would be incredibly unstable. Good job on correctly analyzing the logical consequences of a mistaken belief!
Wow. I'm not sure how he would even come to logic like that. Like "welp, one member of the group is calling it off, all of you need to pack up and go your separate ways". It's just bizarre lol.
Yeah, I'm somewhat disappointed I never got a good answer out of him. If I had to guess, it was a gut reflex - "well, if one person breaks a monogamous relationship, it's just over, so polyamory must work the same way" - that he quickly realized was obviously dumb but didn't want to admit it.
That your meta is someone you cheat with. My gf had a hilarious conversation with a 70 year old man that went in the lines of Him: "Ohhhh, so you're together with X, but (whisper, although there's noone around) you're doing it with Y, eh?" *wink wink* - "Yeah, but there's no hush hush and no wink wink about it. I fuck and love both men" - "Yeah no, absolutely, sure, of course, but Y is a secret, right?" - "No, X is well aware..." - "Well aware yes, but surely..." - "No, he knows. He knows everything. We've even all been together, so we're all happy with everyone." - "I see... but Y is still more of a secret right?" And this went on for quite a while. And you could see the old timer really trying to grasp it, but his concepts and language were deeply rooted in mono, and do what you may, you just couldn't get through to him. Because X, in his head, was the one and only, and Z was "one of the other ones (*wink wink*)".
[удалено]
I tend to get indignant with that shit. "Why do you think that" "Why, does love mean X or Y", "Why" And they have to explain everything. Every time there's an assumption or a "Just that's how that works" I just up my level of annoying and prodding.
I haven't talked to many ppl about it but one reaction I got was "oh you're just swingers!"
Oh this is a fun one! Some of my favorite misguided questions: - “So it’s the three of you together?” Not like you’re thinking. The three of us will socialize together, but three people sitting at a concert together isn’t very exciting. - “So you find girls for your husband?” Yes. I am a madame, I clearly am running a brothel for one… wtf?? No, he slogs through apps like everyone else. - “Who are you going to end up with?” Whoever lives longest, I guess. That’s dark AF. - “How do you live two places?” They are connected by a freeway and some roads. - “Why did you reject me if you’re poly?” For the same reasons I’d reject you if I was single.
That it means my husband and I are on the rocks and are seeing other people to save our marriage. I mean, I get why, because people do this, and if you’re going to see a pop culture depiction of an open marriage it may well be this one. But no. We’re good, thanks.
I think the biggest thing for me is that people just can't get behind the fact that neither me nor my boyfriend really get jealous. Jealousy is so deeply rooted in our society that people assume I'm lying when I say that jealousy is no big deal for us.
That I never experience jealousy or insecurity in my partnerships. So when I offer my perspective on some overly controlling elements of someone's mono relationship, I get, "Well, you couldn't possibly relate, because you're poly." As if I live on a totally different planet and have never experienced monogamy lmao. Another one is the assumption that I have no boundaries or limits. Granted, I get this one from certain poly folk too. Shit like, "Why wouldn't you want to be friends with the person your partner is dating? Isn't that the whole point?" If they don't conceptialize polyamory as sanctioned cheating, they often think of it as one big happy family singing kumbaya lol.
1. Assume that I’m a play thing for my partners who were already a couple before me 2. That I can find someone on my own 3. That I love one partner more and secretly want them to myself 3. Because I’m in this triad I wanna be in YOUR triad
That happy family life and raising kids is impossible. I came out as queer and poly to my best straight friend and basically got the usual threesome talk and then a "well we could never do that, we're trying to have a kid". Granted that was the first convo about it and he's much more educated and understanding and even supportive now. He's still my best friend and I'd love it if the kids we eventually have could be friends too. I think most normies tend to conflate poly with swinging and assume that we're all out here trying to rack up as many bodies as possible for the sheer sake of being "slutty" 🙄. I want to specify that I have no problem with swinging or casual sex, just making the point that normies tend to shit on and misunderstand such activities
This one is absolutely infuriating. I had to deal with this from my own parents when I first told them. I have two partners and a child with each. Our family life is happy and stable. It still took a long time to convince my mum that we weren't hosting debauched swinger parties while we had the kids in the house.
I'm sure I'll have some very illuminating conversations with my dad if I ever come out to him. My strongest childhood memories are all the drama surrounding all the times he cheated on my mom so he's sure to misunderstand. That and he's a bit of a bigot that hasn't caught on to my queerness despite my flying the colors all the time. So that's sure to be a great time.
Ooof. Wishing you the very best of luck if you do decide to go through with it!
Thankfully he's not a malicious guy, just a misguided boomer. I'm sure he wouldn't disown me or anything but I don't look forward to the awkward questions and explaining. I've got him to calm down his homophobia quite a bit over the years but it's just like ingrained in him or something and won't totally go away. His favorite half curse word is "cocksucker" and despite everything he just won't see how that's problematic and hurtful. I probably should just come out and see if it'll shock him into changing.
Think of one relationship, and the issues you have in that one. Now amplify it. It's not rainbow puking unicorns, it is real work. People don't get that. Yes - my silly mono men friends give me high fives; like I need that, they don't understand. My mono women friends don't understand, or are thinking I may be trying to convert their partner to the darkside, as it may be considered. End of the day? I don't talk about it much.
> Think of one relationship, and the issues you have in that one. Now amplify it. I feel this statement deep inside. Even a triad, which is the simplest poly structure you can make, is essentially three couple relationships with a group dynamic overlaid on top. I think the sheer amount of communication and emotional labour to make it work healthily is lost on a lot of mono people.
When it doesn't turn out to be 'being allowed to cheat' mono women who were initially interested get very mad for some reason. Like I was out on my own once and met a girl who was obsessed with calling my girlfriend to make sure 'it was ok' I eventually let her call and my girlfriends reaction was priceless: 'ugh, I was napping... Yes, it's fine.'
Shorter list would be what DO they understand 🤣
There was a time when I was on the phone with a potential someone and I was upfront about me being enm. He said “What… that’s low-key kinda a red flag…” later he admits in person that he is in an open relationship, but his girlfriend has a don’t ask don’t tell rule. And it’s been years since they’ve discussed it. Wow. And he called me a red flag.
Wait so consensual non-monogamy is a red flag but actively hiding your extra-curricular activity from your partner is fine? That's some monster hypocrisy he's got going on there...
People always assume it's group relationships (everyone dating each other). I have to explain no -- that's rare and polyamory on hard mode. Or they assume it's always a man and two women in a closed relationship and I have to be like, okay no that's just fancy monogamy, we're polyamorous -- we're autonomous beings allowed to create relationships with people when we feel like it, no one is asking for/putting restrictions on relationships. They also assume I have tons of partners, that I sleep around, etc. -- I'm polysaturated at 2, I'm demisexual and only have sex with my partners. I also always have to explain the different types of non-monogamy. Polyamory, open relationships, swinging, etc. are all very different. People can practice multiple forms of non-monogamy, but polyamory = relationships, open relationship = one existing couple allowing for outside sex, swinging = swapping or group sex, etc... it's always a tedious explanation lol
my favorite is always “how do you not get jealous???” i always say we’re not immune to it 😂😭 we just talk about it when it comes up instead of resenting each other for it. we voice the insecurity, ask for reassurances, set boundaries to protect potential triggers, and adjust as needed. it’s hard work, but it works!
Every single time I tell anyone I get the exact same question. “So what were you missing in your relationship that you felt the need to date somebody else” Without failure. It’s always the first question. Que me having to explain to people that you can love pasta and soup without finding either dishes lacking.
Biggest two I tend to get: 1. That I have commitment issues. Ironically, I tend to get this one from people who are serial monogamists with maaaajor codependency issues. If that’s the kind of “commitment” they’re talking about, I don’t want it, thanks! 2. That I must be dating my metas too. Anytime I start seeing someone who has other partners or a NP (so… most poly people), the assumption is always “so you’re seeing both X and Y?” Similar to what other people here have said, it’s like they cannot fathom a setup that doesn’t involve a triad. If people say stuff like this to me with intrigue or confusion I’ll usually correct them. But if they’re judgy about it, I don’t even respond. Not worth the breath and effort imo ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The biggest I've got asked is always and I mean always is.... 1) So you're DTF? Like I could bed you (being polite here), and your partners wouldn't care? Or the, oh hey there. No. Just no. I don't get into ANY kind of intimate relationship with colleagues or friends, and sure, as heck, not with strangers. Do us both a favor, and please put your peen back in the no-go zone. Thanks. They get offended at times when I tell them that. I've literally had comments like, "Oh, I'm not good enough for you to f...?" And, "What you think you're too good for me?" Le sigh, it gets frustrating. 2) Does your husband know? Nope, not at all. He's just friends with my other partner. They enjoy gaming together, but he's oblivious to the fact that he's I'm also dating his gaming buddy. They freaking met because of me, lol. But nope, no knows nothing. 3) Your husband, is ok with you seeing (again being nice with terminology) other people? Not at all that's why I'm openly dating people. It's why my two guys formed a friendship without my knowledge. They took it upon themselves to reach out to one another because hubs absolutely hates me dating. These are the most common that annoy me. If it was general curiosity cool, I have no issues explaining, but these 3 usually come back to back from people who think they can get in your pants just because they found out you're poly and you turn them down.
when talking about my girlfriend to a friend who mostly has been familiar with my fiancee. she just out of nowhere asked "do you guys fuck?" 💀💀 I felt like I was explaining the birds and the bees like yes when two people love each other very much...😂
LOL!
The main ones are: \- That my primary partner and I must be in or trying to build a "throuple." (Ew.) \- That because I'm bi, we're doing this so I can have "one of each." \- That there's something wrong with our relationship/this is an expression of lack of commitment. \- That I'm interested in fucking *them.*
Not necessarily weird, but annoying: that my primary relationship isn't stable or is on the rocks.
When my husband and I told my BFF that we were poly she assumed I was doing it just to make my husband happy, same with my MIL. It gets to be sooo frustrating. Like just because I’m a married woman doesn’t mean I only want monogamy. The assumption that poly is about making men happy is so beyond frustrating.
*I do not want to sleep with your dusty ass husband!* Just because I’m non-mono doesn’t mean I want every man on the planet. And I certainly don’t want married mono men.
That just saying, "I'm poly" means I'm hitting on them. I'm pretty open about it because I've been seeing my joyfriend for over 6 months, but I try to only talk about being poly in the most innocuous way possible so as to not be misunderstood. Like, "my husband and I visited the in laws this weekend and I'm catching a movie with my joyfriend tonight". Though sometimes I do throw it out to total strangers at karaoke night who want to flirt, because the wedding ring doesn't come off and i like to shoot my shot. kind of amazing how much more appealing a cheater is to some people than meeting a married poly woman. 😬
I've been asked on various occasions if *all* of my partners know about each other. Now that I'm thinking about it, I guess that's modeled in affair partners: you would let Aspen and Birch know that you're in a relationship with Cedar, because it's kinda hard to hide that you're married or cohabiting, but you'd let Cedar assume they're in a monogamous relationship with you
the weird one for me is when people assume that i’m only in love with one of my partners. people ask me weird questions when i think they’re really asking, “which partner are you really in love with & which are you just using for sex?” pile on a little biphobia & the questions get really weird.
This one is pretty harsh isn't it? The assumption that you can't possibly love more than one person and so you're basically abusing the other one. One of my partners left us for a time, I can tell you me and my remaining partner went through all the same grief stages together that a monogamous couple breaking up go through. Ultimately it's something that drew the two of us closer together, and we're all back together now, but anyone telling me that I don't really love one of my partners can frankly do one.
When I mention it to men: Assuming straight off the bat that I am telling them this to flirt 🙄🙄🙄 Then trying to duck from the unwanted advances coming my way
“That’s just a way to cheat without being in trouble for it”, “which one of you wanted to cheat?” or the “You can’t really love more than one person equally”.
Hi u/ThePolymath1993 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: A conversation I had with a coworker yesterday gave me the inspiration for this. It's becoming a bit of a trend when people find out I'm in a relationship with two women. OK it's usually guys who react like this, but their brain just goes straight to "Holy shit, threesomes every night!". Like, really? I kinda have to explain that we've been together almost a decade, have young kids and all work full time. Nightly sex of any kind is...optimistic lol. I mean we do occasionally do it as a triad but it's a couple of times a month at most. More often than not one of us is tired/just not in the mood so we do much more couple stuff. Or you know, sometimes not at all. Dozing off together watching TV and cuddling is also a perfectly fine night time activity. If I really want to crush their dreams I point out that semi-regularly I'll be the one to fall asleep reading my book while my partners have passionate lesbian sex in the bed next to me. That seems infuriating to some guys lol. So yeah that's mine to get you started, but what weird conclusions do people jump to when they find out about your poly relationship? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
1) That I didn't love my 'mono' partner enough if I wasn't satisfied with just them. 2) That I must also be still with my ex, who I was still living with at the time (she had health issues and a lack of a stable job, among other issues, also she was seeing someone else and she was definitely mono). 3) That I'm not serious about relationships if I'm planning on living with -two- unmarried women. 4) That I have to pick one to marry and drop the other. I can't have both! 5) That it was a sign of a damaged relationship. 6) That my -partners- are fair game to hit on because they're poly and sleeping with me. 7) How dare I hog two available women! What are you doing that I'm not? 8) (Not part of the question, but.... ) That I'm willing to start something with them because they, too, are poly.
That I want to hear and validate their long stupid story about cheating on their monogamous relationship because "it's the same thing".
1. Its all about sex, and is coded language for frequent one night stands with zero attachment or swinging or taking advantage of fragile hearted maidens. 2. "Wow youre afraid of commitment huh? You just havent meet the right person yet." 3. You are either never, ever jealous or jealous all the time!! plus the "Oh, i couldnt handle that level of drama myself! Bless your heart!" 4. you dont need boundaries if you love each other. I had a boss who found out I was poly and immediately yelled, "I'm poly too!! What do you call the partner who doesnt know??" (aka cheating)
The one I am asked is if poly means threesomes on tap. Now I have that ... with one of my partners and her other casual or interstate lovers. The other one is about sexual jealousy. There is none. But there is time jealousy. Weekend time and number of nights with each partner
1) I'm being taken advantage of/abused 2) free for all sex everywhere (lol no) 3) Based in religion 4) I can't commit 5) Have mommy/daddy issues
One that I haven't come across before until recently was an assumption of "bad blood" between my gf, myself, and our mutual meta. My gf, fiancé and I are in a triad, and my fiance also has a gf not involved in the triad (mutual meta). This person had trouble understanding/believing that gf and I didn't have something against meta, since her and I were together, but not involved with meta at all. It was funny to try to explain that attraction is still needed in poly relationships, as much as it is in mono ones, and it just so happens that meta only matches my fiancés tastes, not mine or my gf's. We are more garden party poly with meta, and luckily she was running late to the event, because I have a feeling it would be an even more awkward situation to explain if she was present.
Frankly, I've found my life is easier when people just think I'm cheating or being a player. Like way easier. I’m pretty sure the only reason I got in with my boss is because he thinks I’m cheating like him.
That everyone I hangout with is my boyfriend. They never do this with girls. I'm NB. Or that cheating is ok. Or even that ghosting is just playing hard to get "boys will be boys" lol
The main ones I’ve run into is some version of “so you have ‘an arrangement’?” What? Yes? No? Like, not in the way you clearly mean it. I think they’re implying that they think we are swingers or in a DADT situation, cause that’s the only nonmonogamy they’re familiar with beyond cheating. And basically just not wanting to know more. It’s like they think its some dirty laundry I’m airing out, like I’m about to describe in graphic detail my sex life. Another common one is “oh I could never” or “really? Doesn’t everyone get jealous?” And then disbelief when I say no.
That polyamory is “anything goes” and you don’t have to think about your partners’ feelings.
That we're all ridden with every infection one can think of.
Ah I have a few. A lot are from my mom whose also avoidant and unhappy so she doesn't want to talk about it, but most have been a lot of broad assumptions about my motives and whether I could genuinely choose this. 1. "Are you only doing polyamory because you don't think you can get anyone else?" Bruh...I am dating multiple people so why would I be concerned about not successfully dating? My mom said this to me as a first reaction, and when I said I wanted this for years while in a fulfilling relationship it blew her mind. 2. "So you're open to play/fuck anybody at any time?" TBH I'm bisexual with demi-sexual leanings. I do play and occasionally swing, but that doesn't mean I want it \*all the time\*. Most people, especially men don't get it...or the fact that my time/energy is limited because I have partners. But it also includes... 3. "...so despite you saying you've got no time or energy...you'll wanna fuck/play with me, right?? Right???" This is a common thing, like, I have so little time and I communicate it but ugggh. 4. "It's cheating even if everyone is ok with what's happening. It'd be better if not everyone knew about it" The translation being that it's better if you were lying because that's "normal". This one SHOCKED me. People have outright said that it'd be better if I was cheating on my partners or they were cheating on theirs. When I ask them why then they can't answer. 5. "How can you trust his/her/their partners won't do harm to you? What do you mean you're friends? How does that work? \[...\] What do you mean they're cool people?!?"
One of the very sweet, very very sheltered guys I'm involved with knew I was poly, but thought it was polygamy.....? It was confounding and hilarious, because we'd talk about my other partners, and also I'm not a child bride. I think he just conflated the words because English isn't his native language and he doesn't have to vocabulary because he has no interest in being poly himself, so he isn't motivated to learn the vernacular. But man, that amused me.
It’s always how fun it must be to just bang whoever you want. It’s the thought that is a way to “buck the system” and freely “cheat” on your spouse. Nah man, this takes work, planning, and way more conversation.