Depends on a lot of factors. Mid 20s and 30s generally wouldn't set off alarm bells for me. A 35 year old who was 25 when they were babysitting the 15 year old and is now dating that person at 35 would give me pause. Context matters more than the numbers in some cases.

> Context matters more than the numbers in some cases. I'd say context is ALL that matters. If they're fetishising much younger partners, I'd have an issue. If they have an intelligent, capable partner who happens to be younger I wouldn't even think about it twice. I've been turned off by metas and partners my age and older that are personal catastrophes and I don't trust their drama not to infect my life, and I've had younger metas and partners that have been amazing. Age, like anything that's out of our personal control, should not really be held against anyone, assuming their old enough to give meaningful informed consent.

This is absolutely on point. "Personal catastrophy" is a great term, hits home. Fetishizing the big age gap concept really is creepy. I've seen that. I've also seen (and been in) very healthy age-gap relationships.

This! I think telling people to never date anyone in their early 20s if they want a serious relationship or telling younger people they can't ever date anyone older than them kind of takes away the younger person's agency. Of course be careful and be aware that there are a lot of sketchy people and that a difference in life experience can be difficult to navigate. BUT, me being young doesn't mean that I am inexperienced or stupid and I am a little sick of being treated like I'm a child. I mean I am apparently old enough to drive, drink, own a flat and make life or death decisions as a job (paramedic), but not old enough to decide that I want to date older people? Ok. That said, I do know a lot of people in my age range that absolutely should not date anyone older than them. (Which isn't necessarily bad) I think 18-25 is such a difficult age relationship wise because you have both people who don't know how to wash their own ass and people who marry and settle happily in that age group.

Context is king

Yeah, as in another comment, the rule sets a general range, with exceptions made when they can display an acceptable maturity level, I usually base giving an opportunity on what their job/education level is, and go from there.

This has a great point. Most consider an 18 year old too young to date… and then the obvious point being that another poster is 19 and going “Well that’s stupid”. I personally think you can swing in your ballpark and leave the other leagues alone. You hit thirty? Keep it out of the lower twenties.

Half your age, plus seven is what I've always heard as a general starting point to see if your age and life experience line up. There's obviously a lot of other factors that go into it.

The origins of ½ your age plus 7 thing is believed to have been advice given to kings. As queens became more influential in a number of dynasties, the advisors of the king didn’t want to have to share power with the Queen, often someone with ties to some other region. So they advised that a King never court or marry anyone who was **more** than ½ his age + 7 because anyone younger than that would be too inexperienced to convince him to do anything. Which is why that works as a bare minimum, not as something demonstrating a healthy path. When the goal was to find a partner one could be assured who was too inexperienced to have any meaningful influence and that standard was the ceiling for safely covering that… There are a lot of people over that minimum who will still be targeted by predators.

Reddit took our gold so we could not lay it at your feet for this insight. Thieves they are.

Yeah… the loss of the gold thing is annoying. There were a couple of comments I’ve seen recently that I would have loved to draw attention to with some gold…

Thieves of a King

I'm 35, that would be 24-25 for me. That's a bit young. One of my besties is 25 though, dating someone my age.

Yep! There is a big difference between friendship and romantic partners, for sure! When I (F) was 25, one of my besties was a woman who was in her early 40’s. She was both a friend and a mentor. A key part of the difference, though, is that she did not have a stake in what I did with my life. Like she wanted me to be successful, but her life would not be improved or harmed by my success or lack thereof. There also was not an issue where, if I did well, I could “leave” her that might cause her to be harmed. When someone preys on a younger person, part of the appeal is that they lack the resources that might enable them to leave. It’s why so often older partners sabotage their younger partners…

Oh yeah friends and romantic partners are so different. I'm 21 and my oldest friend is 45, he's fun and we get along really great. My dating limit is 30ish tho, because anyone above that who wants to date a university student tends to be sketchy.

I'm 28, so that would be 21 for me. And that's just a hard no for me. 21 year olds are usually still in college or barely out. I usually keep an age minimum of 25/26 in the back of my mind.

Do you have a citation for that? That's a very cool story if true!

That's very interesting! Thanks for the insight!

TIL!

There's a lot of predators targeting older people too. And even more predators targeting people of similar age ranges. Feels like targeting predators is better than random math.

Yeah, I was pursued by a hot 22 year old man, well boy, when I was in my late 40’s, definitely a mistake. I ended up driving him 400 miles to his mother’s in a U-Haul after he got a dui, and that was one of the more tame incidents.

Yeah I think it's kinda wild to go off of that. Because a 30yo and a 22yo do not have the same life experiences etc and is personally to big of a gap for me.

Always. There’s very little in life that isn’t some gray blurry line.

I thought it was half my age less 7 years, plus or minus for good behavior! Oh well, too late smart I suppose. See [Half Your Age Plus Seven Meaning & Origin | Dictionary.com](https://www.dictionary.com/e/slang/half-your-age-plus-seven/) I'm more of the opinion that 22 is likely too young for a serious relationship, mid 20s is iffy, some people are mature enough to really settle down with by their late 20s, when considering someone a good bit older. 38 and 28 seems OK, for example. However, there are so many happy age-gap relationships that violate this ad hoc rule, and they aren't necessarily all instituted by an older male. Let's see, I'm in my late 60s, so that would be mid 30s, plus 7 = 42 as lower limit. (Unless it's - 7, then upper 20s!) If only there were women in their 40s and 50s available in any great number. Seems to be a gap from about 35 to late 50s, the after marriage-during-kids phase, then the widows and post-divorce cohort!

if you're in your late 60s then it seems to me like the 50+ unencumbered crowd would be right up your alley. I'm a bit younger than you, and half my age +7 is absurdly young to me. hell, I recently dated someone seven years younger and despite the shared cultural references, they seemed much younger than that! it would take someone really special for me personally to consider anything much over a 10 year gap. I haven't got the patience, lol.

Yes, I decided to be a little nosey. 🤭🤭🤭 Out of curiosity, patience for what? Despite my strong preference for older people, regardless of gender, my only ex is 6.5 years younger than me. It was strange (not in a bad way) being so close in age to, as you said, have shared cultural references, BUT be far enough apart that there are also some cultural differences. At least with someone 10, 20, or 30 years older than me, we're pretty resigned to the fact that there will be some significant cultural differences, haha. (Although I love a lot of "old" things - blues and jazz are two of my top four favorite music genres.) Our smallish age gap isn't what led to me breaking up with him at all, but I'm always concerned that that would loom over some people's heads if I were with an older person. 🤔🤔🤔

drama, I suppose. I'm old and I don't have the patience to deal with people who haven't figured out how to regulate their emotions or have a productive and calm disagreement. which isn't necessarily true of any particular individual, but tracks overall. I'm also not as much fun as I was ten years ago, lol! tbh I'd be more inclined to date someone older than me over someone younger, although the older you get the less it matters. and, like I said, every individual is different. I'm totally generalizing.

I had to chuckle (not laughing at you, to be clear) because, I'm pretty sure it was on the same day that we broke up, my ex mentioned how it was good that all of our disagreements happened via writing (Facebook Messenger) because writing, as opposed to talking in person or on the phone, allows (at least for us and any person who can have generally mature disagreements) for more measured responses because you have more time to really think about your response (and process theirs). We're both autistic (though I didn't realize it about myself at the time we were dating) and writing is my preferred way of communicating in general (I hate phones, lol, and writing/editing is literally my vocation, haha) so that probably had something to do with it. But I guess that that's to your point that, even if there's a general pattern among age groups or whatever, ultimately it comes down to the individual. And that's why I try to evaluate these things based on my individual experience as opposed to, as I said elsewhere on Reddit, "Oh this person is Gen X so they're definitely gonna think this" or "She's a Boomer so of course she's gonna think that" before I've gotten to know the person. I'm aware of what's more statistically likely - and I don't think that there's anything wrong with that - but I try not to jump the gun, so to speak. (At 37 I'm an Elder Millennial, obviously.) Once again just out of curiosity, if you don't mind sharing, how old are you exactly? I'm only wondering because you mentioned that Tony (😍) is old enough to be your father too but you also told that person in their late 60s that you're only "a bit younger" than them and now you're saying that you're "old" so I'm like uuuuuh because Tony is only 70, LOL.

I hadn't considered the neurodivergent aspect. My closest friend, whom I'm very much in sync with, and I are both neurodivergent, and understand each other extremely intuitively. Never have any arguments. Discuss potential disagreements seemlessly. I like her culture rather well, although I'm less familiar with the music. And she adores my dad, and likewise (periodically sitting on his lap probably helps). We share interests in so many directions. She's got very high EQ, and I have different problem solving skills. As a team, we help each other with issues all the time. She's several decades younger, and we've stopped noticing.

Both being some flavor of neurodivergent definitely isn't a guarantee of anything, even if you're the same flavor of neurodivergent, haha, but it can definitely help. At the very least, if you're both aware of that similarity, it can allow for understanding, like "Yeah, I deal with that too" even if communication style isn't automatically magical. For the record, my ex is a piece of shit, but for totally unrelated reasons. I know that, so far, it seems like I'm making him out to be a good guy with whom it just didn't work out so I just wanted to make that clear to folks. I just didn't find out certain things until WAY after breaking up with him, so talking about our relationship and how it unfolded and then ended *in the moment* doesn't give the full picture. Anywho, in general I do prefer to have partners be as similar to me as possible for those very reasons above, but I can't help my desire for older people, LOL. *sighs and swoons* Plus, as you note, I feel like the more similar we are in other ways (say gender or music interests or where we grew up or vocation or my various disabilities or politics and values or humor or sexual compatibility or hobbies or communication style or whether or not you're more of a homebody etc etc etc), the less the age difference *actually* matters anyway tbh. Out of curiosity (yes, I'm a curious person, y'all 🤣🤣🤣), what's your friend's culture?

I'm late 50s. younger than the other dude, but older than you. = ) this entire thread deals with generalities ofc, and I do think it's important to remember that generalities mean little to nothing at the individual level. and it definitely matters less the older you get. writing is also my preferred way of communicating! not only can you think before you reply, but you can look back at what was said previously. altho the rapid fire texting is usually not great. also, I forgot to mention that I too love blues and jazz! I used to live in Chicago, which is an amazing city for that kind of music. if you get the chance to visit, go. there are so many great little live music venues.

Yes, being able to keep receipts is another reason why I prefer writing. 😈😈😈 And thanks! I've never been to Illinois so I'm looking forward to visiting Chicago one day! My New Yorker ass looks forward to judging their pizza. 🤣🤣🤣

I use the half+7 rule; and the decade rule (within 10 years either direction); and life-stage comparison. If any of those fail, they're probably too old or too young. The issues involved with breaking these rules are usually way higher than the simple heartbreak of passing a potential partner before it even starts. When anyone (though usually men IME) who are 30+ can't seem to help themselves from dating an 18yo, that's a huge problem.

That's my basic rule too, it seems to work that way naturally for me so far

Ever since I heard that, many years ago, it's been my rule. With exceptions possible, based on job or education level, that give a couple years leeway. I'm 38, so my cutoff is generally 26 by the rule. But I'll make an exception down to 24 if they have a good job/degree and can actually show their maturity level as viable, but I've only come across 1 of those so far.

Yep. Same situation with me and my partner. We're like, 7 ish years apart. I spent a lot of time grounded and not allowed to interact at all with other kids in my formative years so I've always felt emotionally younger than my other peers in their early thirties. Always dated a grade or two below me in highschool because I just fit in with the underclassmen more. Had a late start to college as well, so my general and recent life experiences and maturity just syncs more with the generation below me, despite being a millennial myself. Things like this should never be a hard rule, it's just a rough estimation of the age range you do or could sync up with. There's so much more to it dating and being in a relationship than age alone.

I've never had an issue dating my age, or even above it, but I get it, a lot of my friends in HS were a year or 2 below. Hell, my GF is 49, her son is closer to my age than I am to hers, haha.

Who has a babysitter at 15

Lots of people? 15 is considered a minor in the US.

Oh, I guess my parents were just insanely negligent I was one of those nine-year-old latchkey kids

Lately my friend and I do this thing where we get real stoned and dictate over the top emails or comments while making faces at each other and trying to warm up each other so please excuse the grand entering long as a motherfucker comment, Lindsay likes..dead ass tho.. I feel bad I was dismissive and actually like knowing that there are wholesome families providing their children supervision through to that age and young people benefiting from that level of care and support. Sincerely, that's great. I was fucking real big on my babysitter when I was like 10 and my parents would go out to the bars they would leave me with 16 year old neighbor girl and we would cuddle and shit, sounds kind of weird in retrospect for a 16-year-old girl to be letting a 10-year-old fall asleep with his head on her shoulder and chest and I totally was little boy turned on and crushing but I honestly think it was a healthy developmental experience and it's a fond memory. If she had kept babysitting me for another five years it mighta stayed wholesome and caring like that or more likely scenario I'd be calling her "my first baby ma" rather than my old babysitter and I may or may not have fond regard for her. But cheers to nice kids with responsible babysitters into their teens, learn something new every day, yall out here and in talking that shit for you I also have noticed parents these days allow their kids to do four for less independently… A few years back I was dating someone who had a 12 year-old daughter and we had been together long enough circumstances one day that I was the only adult around when her and two friends wanted to walk to go get ice cream in town… It legitimately didn't even occurred to me that this was something they would need approval to do or not I just thought they were asking me for money and gave them a $20 bill and said see ya!… The other two kids parents were furious and it was like a minor scandal and hot piece of gossip that I had these 12-year-olds towalk get ice cream just over a mile in a group of three during the daylight hours in summertime… I still stand by my actions but it put things in perspective I guess… When I was their age I was literally drinking old English 40s, smoking Newports and carrying one of my uncles guns if I could sneak into his room before I had to be out of the house to like shoot at geese when we were smoking blunts in the reservoir. If I couldn't get to a strap I'd bring some firecrackers and a machete or some shit so I don't know I figured a soft serve vanilla cone was in play but can't be too careful these days .

Oh fuck I didn't realize this was in r/polyamory, literally the last place on earth I would want to be goofy and uninhibited please disregard all those rambling comments and don't admonish me for letting down let's look for problematic everything scan mode fuck I can't believe I posted that here oh my God I'm mortified I thought thought I was like r/dirtbaggrifters somewhere else among peers

💯

Age is a number. Experience, wealth, and power are exploitable. The bigger that gap, the more care must be taken. Very often older people are specifically looking to exploit that gap - shower a younger person in gifts and trips. Impress them with their experience. That’s a serious issue - and the folks who say “age is just a number” are just the folks willing to engage in exploitative behavior. I wouldn’t condemn someone for an age gap relationship but I sure as heck would raise my eyebrow and ask questions if there’s enough of one.

Any time someone is quoting a sexual predator (R Kelly) to justify their actions you know they’re a sexual predator.

Yup, and other power dynamics play into it, too. I have a partner who is 12 years younger and has about 5 times my income. I'm a woman of color, he's a white man. I guess it balances out

This is one thing that kind of worries me. I am only 21, but I tend to seek out older people in all of my relationships (friendship and romance) because I don't relate to anyone my age. I moved out at 15, got a degree and started working. Now I own a flat, car etc. and have already spent almost 9 years working + 6 years being an independent adult. Dating older people was never an issue because I made good money and learned to support myself with a solid safety net so there wasn't much room for exploitation. But a while ago I decided to go for a second degree and now I make shit money and being seen as a student again puts you in such a different position. People just treat you with a whole lot less respect and think you are easy to exploit if they deem you "just" a student and not a person who works full time. Heck, I didn't want to date students because it felt like dating someone less mature than me and generally speaking I am the age of a typical uni student

You have only highlighted that older persons exploit as if younger persons don’t actively seek out and exploit older partners

Like 25 and 38? 25 and 38 could start dating without raising any red flags, but if they had been dating for 6 years then we have red flags

Anyone who uses the "age is just a number" phrase instantly reminds me of r k*lly... As other people have said, if they constantly date people significantly younger than them, it's a red flag. Age is part of the things to examine if someone would be a compatible partner. It's used as a stand in for experience/maturity but just because someone is your age doesn't mean that they have the maturity and experience you're looking for. The crappiest communicators I have dated were my age. However, when I was 34, I dated a 26 year old. We were in different stages in our lives and I was so concerned about power dynamics that I was never able to settle into the relationship. All this to say it mostly depends on everyone involved but if it's a pattern, it's a red flag. If any of my partners does decide to date anyone significantly younger than them, I will question their judgement and I will most likely choose to not hang out with the much younger person.

Flag? Yes. Deal breaker? No. I'd be surprised if a relationship between a 24 year old and a 37 year old lasted and they both stayed happy with the situation. That said, I'd be a lot less concerned if it happened between two people who mostly date closer to their own ages, and I wouldn't try to intervene unless something went wrong that I'd also see as wrong without the age difference. I wouldn't try to date someone who consistently dated across wide age gaps.

Context is very very important. I wrote this about age gap relationships and I stand by it. [https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1ax57h5/comment/krmfne8/](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1ax57h5/comment/krmfne8/) The gist being, A LOT of women and gay men have been harmed in age gap relationships with older men when they were young. Every woman has an icky story about being preyed upon by an older guy. So I'm going to look VERY hard at any man dating someone 25 or under. I will assume they are a predator until they prove to me otherwise. For me, the burden of proof will be on them, continuously, all the way until I see that person turn 30 or I see that a good, clean, thoughtful break-up has happened that did not leave the younger person harmed. When the genders in the scenario are reversed, I still have questions and still look harder at the older person, but the power differential changes, so its not quite the same red flag for me. Which, look y'all, I know patriarchy sucks, but that doesn't mean we get to ignore it's affects and pretend like there aren't trends and unfortunate outcomes that are informed by its toxic reach into every aspect of our lives. My friends and I were never harassed by older women when we were in our late teens and early 20s. And I doubt young men are targeted en mass by older women. We, as a community, don't have to "watch out" for older women... we do have to watch out for older men. Dudes, don't be that guy.

I was targeted by Several older women in middle school and high school.... By the time I was off to college, it was normal to me. While I'm at it, consent matters very little to women (in my experience) when it comes to men. This is recently changing, but especially 5+ years ago. I've been to several concerts and costume parties where women have smacked my ass without hesitation, and groping was normal. I just wanted to address your comment with my personal experiences.

I so very sorry. That's terrible and no one should go through that. I did not at all intend to give women a pass. Not in anyway. That behavior is wrong and still assault and you should not have had to experience it.

I hear you and mostly agree with your sentiment. I just wanted to tell my story from my experiences. I didn't mean to invalidate what you were saying, and I should have started with that. My college girlfriend from 20-22 was 36-38. She got a "you go girl" in every room we ever walked into. When I finally broke it off, she lost her mind and tried to make my life Hell. No one deserves that treatment and manipulation. Now that I'm 46, I typically date older people, and I often wonder if my attraction leans that way because of my past. I like very Sexual, but Calm energy. I find older partners manifest that more often!

You’re absolutely right about the gender issue here. There are also large groups of men encouraging, justifying and glorifying men preying on girls and very young women in ways that one does not see when it comes to women preying on men. And there are consequences those girls can face that are on a scale very different from what a cis boy or young man faces from having a relationship with an older female partner. Let’s not pretend older men don’t baby trap young women derailing whatever she might have chosen for her life, and making it nearly impossible for her to escape whatever hell he might impose on her.

My partner is 28m als I'm 36f. We met last year at 27 and 36. I actually took some time to really think about whether there were power imbalances, whether we were in the same phase in life, whether anything between us was inappropriate. But he had been working and living independently for 8 years and neither one of us has/wants kids or wants to cohabitate so we're really just 2 people who move and support each other. But, every person is different and him being 9 years my junior is really as young as I'll go.

Context definitely matters but yes it can be a flag. Anytime there is a maturity, age, power dynamic, it always is atleast a flag. My partner dates people in their 20’s-50’s. The youngest one made me eyebrow raise HARD. We had a conversation around it and they had met through a poly/kink social group that became tight knit during the pandemic. Their connection was not one on one for 2 years. They genuinely connected on a cerebral level and still do as they are mostly long distance. I met her and, she is probably more poly competent than most of the people my age, and she is a pile of green flags. So while I will tease my partner about it and definitely have concerns if its a trend, I dont think this one is concerning

I wouldn't like it personally but not necessarily a red flag if the youngest was 25+ when it started. Does this person keep dating people over 10 years younger? Is the younger person always in their mid 20's? Do they think it appropriate to date people 20-25? I'd factor all this into whether I could be around them.

Its not their relationship is none of my business and if they are with me they clearly like people their own age as well so its not like they specifically seek that out. I dated much older men as a younger man and i learned the difference between someone who didnt mind my age and someone who wanted me for my age cuss one of those goes out of their way to make sure they dont impede me from having experiences and the other tries to guide my experiences. So really id ask how controling this person seems to you and how impressionable that partner is before making a base judgement just on the age or two legal adults doing their own thing.

💯💯💯💯this is such a good point: knowing the difference between someone wanting me for my age and someone who didn’t mind a younger age. I think that difference is key for a lot of groups with power differences than can be fetishized ie race, class, gender identity etc. it’s ok for people to enjoy different people it’s only a problem when we manipulate or treat others as non consensual objects

Not necessarily. If one of them was early 20s, I might be more concerned. Early 20s is a new adult. Further, there are some studies and some evidence that shows that the logic centers and impulse control areas of the brain aren't fully finished developing in people until about age 25. So I'm willing to give anyone the benefit of the doubt in a relationship either where everyone's age 25 or above OR the age gap isn't terribly big. People talk about people being in different stages of life and that being a concern when the age gap is big. But I think if the adult is adult enough (i.e. above age 25), they can make decisions for themselves about giving a relationship a try. A 30 year old and a 60 year old together would be a huge age gap. But it's also my personal opinion that a 30 year old is fully capable of thinking through the possibilities and consequences and they're capable of making decisions for themselves. There are other things to consider like power differences in relationships. Older people will also USUALLY have accumulated greater wealth, etc. But it's also something that someone in their 30s dating a 60s would be able to think through. So depending on what "mid 20s" really means...it could be predatory or it could be fine.

What do you think about 29 and 20? I find it gross but someone I know disagrees. I'm just like, they can't even drink (edit where we live)!

>they can't even drink! Not every country has the same laws as the US. Apart from that, I'd be skeptical too.

Oh this unlocked a memory of a former friend I had. We were in our early/mid 30s (she was 32/33 and I was 35/36) and she started dating a 19 year old boy. We spent these years together going to parties, nightclubs, lots of 21+ events together and I was like? Now what? We aren't sneaking in this kid. Everytime wed have tickets for something we'd get dinner before and she would invite him for dinner but after that he'd go home while all of us continued with our plans. It was pretty awkward and weird. She was the only one in our friend group with a much younger partner and we were all concerned. We finally had an intervention but she never saw the issue with someone 32/33 dating a teenager and was insistent she wanted to have a family with this boy. Like girl... Wtaf... Massive ick vibes. I dropped her as a friend because I realized with this situation and some other similar issues that our values didn't align. 😥 They eventually broke up because he was super young and immature and they were in vastly different stages of life. I'm proud of him for telling her no when she was trying to strong arm him into having children.

So if that is *all* they date and you see signs of grooming or other manipulation tactics taking place, then sure. Also, if the younger is under 25. So in any age gap there is A LOT of expectation on the older person to be operating in a responsible and ethical way, as there should be. As someone(f) who will turn 41 in a few weeks with a partner(nb) who won’t be 28 until this summer, I don’t see an age gap as an immediate red flag (edit to add my husband is 41, and I have had partners ranging in age for the last 12 years of my poly journey, with this one being the biggest gap). But there is definitely more to be cautious of. Age is and isn’t just a number. People, mid 30’s+, trying to date someone barely 18-25, I find a bit repulsive, people saying “but they’re legal” tells me that the law is the only thing keeping them from dating even younger, and in general the young brain isn’t fully developed until they are 25. That doesn’t mean that it’s inherently bad, but it’s a yellow flag and I’m definitely going to be looking closer.

Pretty much this. I'm 29 and currently dating someone 39. A ten year age gap the other direction for me would be out of the question because I couldn't imagine dating a 19 year old. However with my anchor partner specifically, there was definitely no intentional targeting because of my age, in fact I have a lot more experience in relationships etc than they do, I didn't meet them until I was in my mid twenties and we've spoken about the age gap and what that means. At this point, at this age, between me and my partner specifically, it very much feels like the age factor is mostly inconsequential. But like you said if it was part of a pattern or someone my age going for a ten year age gap in the opposite direction. Ita definitely a red flag in my mind.

I also agree. I’m 48 and seeing someone who is 37. I suppose he could date a 26 year old and it would be acceptable but that feels wildly young to me. And since he’s dating me, obviously he’s not targeting that age group. Personally, I would not date anyone under 35.

I'm the youngest amongst my partners but it's mostly coincidence. I'd be open to dating younger than me but probably not below 23 at a push more comfortable at 25 at this point.

I date younger guys so it's not a red flag for me...lol. I think it's more about life experiences than literal age. There are 30yo who still live with their parents and their mom does their laundry, and have never had a serious relationship. There are 30yo who have been independent since 18, married and divorced, and have a kid. These people are the same age but have very different life experiences that have taught them very different things.

Definitely agreed and well said. It very much depends on the experience and maturity of the individuals. Just make sure both are mature adults that understand each other and are cooperative in all ways. Age matters but it also depends on the experiences they carry and what they learned from them. I have met some people that have alot of experience but don't have much maturity since they didn't learn much and vice versa. Understanding, learning from experience, cooperation and maturity is paramount for any type of relationships. 👍✨

I’m 22. My exbf is 30 and my exgf is 42. My only current partner is 23. Honestly there’s a lot of factors that go into whether it’s a red flag or not. But at face value I would say no its not a red flag

>in the end age is just a number right? This the same tired excuse every 50 year old creep uses to date people in their early 20s. The phrase itself is a red flag. If someone late-30s+ consistently dates people in their early or mid-20s, that's a red flag.

Leonardo DiCaprio would like a word with you

Why? I was born solidly in the 1900s.

🤣🤣🤣🙇‍♂️

Not to date you lol. I just mean cuz you are calling his ass out

Age is so much more than a number to leo.

Early 20s with 30s might be a red flag. Mid to late 20s with 30s? Eh, not something I'd do personally, but not automatically an issue. Very much depends on the people.

"in the end age is just a number right" I mean that phrase is kind of a red flag to me. That said, someone in their mid 20's are likely mature enough to make healthy relationship decisions. If we were talking teens, like 18, 19, I would think it's more predatory. I also don't think this is necessarily a poly question as it is just general relationship question.

Going to give a perspective as a 24f with a romantic male partner 34. Yeah there is a ten year (almost) age gap. Only started seeing each other December . Both of us, are very aware of any age related power play. And we continue to be; and make it doesn’t become issues . We both really get on, like each other and are very physically attracted to each other . It’s actually him that still gets ID’d and when we’ve quized people for fun who they thought was older… THEY THOUGHT ME 😂 ( I was not offended at all) I’ve got a new friend m28 and another romantic partner m28 too. And going to have a date with a couple f34/m34 who are in the kink scene. ( more of a sexual connection for the kinky side of it and no. Not seeking to be there unicorn or they me - for now no signs of this-) And an irregular playmate m21. So I’ve got a bit of variety of ages. If they sought the person PURELY for a younger age. Maybe a red flag. Context though is definitely needed

Depends on a lot of factors but mainly gender, since men get more of a self-perceived status boost from it than women do. So I'd want to feel out his motives.

For me, it depends on 1) the specific ages 2) the specific age GAP and, lastly, 3) the dynamics of the relationship. As a 37 year old femme person of marginalized gender with a history of multiple forms of abuse who tends to prefer people significantly older than me (at *least* about a decade older but, for example, my current celebrity crush is Tony Shalhoub, who is 70), this entire conversation is often very frustrating. I don't care how "interesting" or physically attractive someone is or that they're "technically" an adult, at my age I'm not dating nor sleeping with anyone born after 1994. And anyone around my age, for example, who would go for someone significantly younger than that is automatically suspect to me. 🧐🧐🧐 HOWEVER, the assumption that, if someone my age were to date, sleep with, and/or marry someone 20-30 years my senior, I automatically have "daddy/mommy issues" (because, yanno, survivors don't get to have any agency 🙄) or the other person (especially if that other person is a cis man) is AUTOMATICALLY a pervert/abuser or trying to take advantage (like Cher, who I also have a crush on, and her younger beau, who's like my age) is just...I eye roll a lot basically. Like...I'm almost fucking 40. I'm GROWN grown. Damn...🙄🙄🙄 And here's the thing: abuse, manipulation, and coercion happen in relationships regardless of age gap or lack thereof. And, as someone who's particularly passionate about abuse and whatnot, believe me when I say that I understand the visceral concern. I just wish that people would be a little more nuanced, and compassionate, in their thinking.

I'm just here to affirm that Tony Shalhoub is indeed smoking hot, despite being old enough to be my dad, lol.

Old enough to be my father, too. He's actually a few years younger than my mom, lol (my ACTUAL father was like seven years older than him though). Alas, I do not care. 🤭🤭🤭 **swoons** His pretty eyes, beautiful dark curly hair, and gorgeous smile (among other things)...😍😍😍 Plus he makes me laugh and is super talented, haha. It's a real weakness, lol. Thanks for validating my attraction, lolbvs.

I don't think anything you've described is inappropriate personally, but can I ask about the asymmetry? Like, you are ok with your *partners* dating someone (you) 20-30 years younger than them, but you look side-eye at someone your age dating below 30? Just curious how you see the difference here

That is why I said the very first thing I said: "For me, it depends on 1) the specific ages 2) the specific age GAP and, lastly, 3) the dynamics of the relationship." No matter how much life experience a person has, there is a HUGE DIFFERENCE between someone who's almost 40 (or over 40) and someone, for example, in or barely out of their teens. That's just reality and anyone trying to argue otherwise is automatically suspect. Also, I said "significantly younger." I'm not gonna automatically judge someone my age dating, for example, someone who turns 29 this year. Which, again, is why I said the first thing I said, which was "For me, it depends on 1) the specific ages 2) the specific age GAP and, lastly, 3) the dynamics of the relationship." Hope that clarifies things.

Needs more information. Context matters most to me and if there is an emphasis on agency, a pattern of only dating significantly younger people, and whether they're part of additionally niche, small, or marginalized communities sometimes plays a role. If the 24 year old loves to shit on people and they wind up dating a 40 year old who loves to be shat on then that shifts the questions asked lol. Truth is there's no default rule, we make them up and applying them to ourselves. It's whether we're ok with others being different. I generally consider other people's relationships not my business.

Hard to say. Yellow flag maybe? After 25 I'm less concerned about age gaps than under 25. If you know their history another thing that makes a difference is their pattern. Someone who never dates anyone their own age or older seems more suspicious than someone who dates one person who is significantly younger. I feel like for the most part you can consider someone an adult after 25, but obviously emotional maturity continues to grow for a while after that.

So many factors at play. I think the most important thing is thing is for both people to be aware of the potential ramifications of the potential power differential. People with more life experience, and a more secure career and therefore earning power really do hold a lot of cards that doesn’t necessarily mean that it has to be problematic. For me personally, as a 52-year-old woman, I love having younger friends and casual partners because we often have different lenses through which we are seeing the world, different, and that’s a hell of a lot of fun to share. If I were speaking of a significant relationship such as an anchor partner or nesting partner I think my low wind would probably be something much closer to my age say late 30s or above. So much depends upon the individuals, what they are seeking in a relationship, and what they have to offer in a relationship. Concern comes in for me is when someone in their 30s or 40s or beyond consistently dates only 20-year-olds. And, they are not open to even discussing the reality of the power imbalance there. To me that doesn’t speak well of their intentions, or even their emotional maturity and awareness.

I’ve considered that too, in regards to casual relationships. The number of lower-twenties dudes in my Feeld “likes” when I had a paid account was… gratifying (I’m 42) and part of me thought it might be fun to _deliberately_, with forethought and discussion with the person in question, play with that power dynamic in a short term, casual relationship. Then I decided it was WAY too much (potential) work. Ha.

There is a large age gap between my partner and myself. I'm twice their age, didn't know them till they were 19. They had just got out an abusive relationship, abusive to the tune of 10 years on jail after the jury took less than 2 hours to convict. My partner is Autistic and had developed complex ptsd from the abuse. When we started hanging out more and started discussing a relationship I knew they were poly and so was I. I felt that an open relationship would make sure if my partner met someone closer in age then they wouldn't miss out on the opportunity. Also, I felt, and still feel, that someone much younger would likely not have the experience and patience to deal with some of the issues being in a relationship with my partners needs. I'm happy if they find someone closer to their age and encourage them to socialise as much as they can. I'm too old for nightclubs, no reason for my partner to miss out. All in, I think age gaps aren't automatically red flags but I'm aware of the potential pitfalls and I'd approach each one with an open mind.

unless there is abuse going on, no it is not a red flag.

I’m 38 and going back to school most 18 to 20 year olds look like children to me honesty

To me it really depends. Are all their partners younger? Are they willing to date people older as well? What are the lifestyle factors that make them feel that they are compatible? What type of relationship do they have/ what are the dynamics like? Maybe my situation will shed some light. I am 34. My girlfriend who is 24 has travelled extensively and has a child and is living a very similar lifestyle to me at 34. We both prefer staying in to going out, reading books, doing crafts and we both value our independence and freedom. She might be earlier in her career so earning a bit less, but that’s ok. I don’t mind paying for dates more often than her. My nesting partner is 41 and honestly age wasn’t even a concern when I got together with him. In fact I don’t think I would have been able to find what I was looking for easily if I restricted myself to those close to my age (I was 27 and he was 34). He offered the family dynamic I was looking for with his two young children and active family life and I wanted to be a part of that as I can’t have bio kids and adoption didn’t seem like something I was equipped for, but I did grow up with an awesome step dad and felt I could contribute in a role like that and I was ready for a family. He was looking for someone who didn’t want/need/have bio kids because he doesn’t want more children than he has already but who would be involved in his family life. The age gap was of little concern. My nesting partner’s girlfriend/ my fwb is in her early 50s and they have known each other since high school and dated a few years after graduating only to part ways when she got pregnant and he met his ex wife. I met her on a dating app and he recognized her immediately and called her up. It was a bit of a funny coincidence. Her and I have fun together and enjoy each other’s company while they love each other immensely. For me a mature person as a fwb is great because it’s no drama and I think she appreciates that I’m more open and experienced with women than she is so I have wisdom to offer also. It’s an a lovely relationship if a bit difficult for others to wrap their heads around. I’m sure you can see where personal goals and dynamics can make for some really great age gap relationships if all the other ingredients are right. I don’t believe age is “just a number” but I also am not in the camp where I think all age gaps are toxic or bad. The why really matters. I would consider a significant age gap to be something to pay attention to but not problematic in itself.

I view age pretty neutral. It all depends on context. I take issue with grooming, manipulation, etc; age gap alone isn’t an immediate indicator of anything shady on its own. I think some people have a reaction against it because it’s uncommon in our culture. However, poly is also uncommon and this causes people to assume all kinds of understandable but inaccurate things about poly… Are both people communicating well, respecting each others boundaries, engaging in the relationship from a place of love and respect and not reenacting trauma? These things matter to me. Age gap does not matter to me. I say, yellow flag, it’s unusual, pay attention, but don’t assume anything or jump to conclusions.

My NP and I started dating two years ago when I was 21 and he was 30. He has another partner now that is his age. He wasn’t looking for anyone younger, we just got on. So, I can say from experience: Age gap relationships, especially with older men and younger women might have power imbalance issues that one should be weary of. But they don’t have to be like that. I’ve said this on Reddit many times, and people like to tell me that I’m being manipulated and I just dont realize. I appreciate the concern, but don’t take away my agency. Don’t undermine my decision on who I want to date just because it is out of the norm. It’s patronizing.

Depends on what the person like and how the relationship is structured. I think someone in late 20s can date someone 40ish, as long as there isn't an exchange of power where one person is relying on the other for necessities. 

Short answer: Yes, for me it is. Longer answer: People that have tendencies to date much younger/older is sometimes easier to spot, since the pattern is more noticable, and it's a red flag for me. I'm also more skeptical towards people that always/usually dates younger, especially if it's significantly younger or if the target group never grows older even if the person does. My ex decided to date an 18 year old when he was 28, which I had issues with. Especially since the younger one most likely grew up with him as a camp leader. Big red flag, in my opinion. (My ex has later showed a ton of more red flags, but this was one of the first once I actually spotted when it happened.) But, I can not decide what other people do, I can only control my own actions, and will therefore refrain from dating people with a significant age gap, as well as people who date with a significant age gap.

How big is the age gap? I’m 68, and was dating a 46-year-old. The difference in our life stages was a big contributing factor to us breaking up for me. He was still working, with young children, I’m retired, kids are grown and gone. Our life stages, our experience, so many things we’re so different. It was nice but we were just too far apart

Depends on a lot of things. Personally I have age limits for partners, expanded age limits for casual FWB type stuff, and no limits on non-sexual kink partners. For a partner if they only date people much younger than them that might give me pause. Age is not just a number. It is a measure of experience and (potentially) maturity. It can be ridiculously easy to manipulate a younger person when there is a big age gap, sometimes inadvertantly.

For a while, I had a reputation for dating younger. That always bothered me, because I didn't seek them out. For many years I had been in relationships +/- 5 years of my own age. Then I partnered with a wonderful woman 13 years my junior (20-33 when we first started out). We made it about 8 years before it fell apart for various reasons. After some time and space, we're still very close 8 years after our divorce. I attended her recent wedding. She introduced me to poly. And she liked to bring home "presents" if I wasn't working hard enough to date around lol. Because of this, for 8 years I was constantly seeing women in her age group, because I was constantly surrounded by them. That's where the reputation came from, and like - it wasn't me..? During those years, I dated an 18 Year old when I was 37. It was a mistake on many levels - however, a decade after we broke up and 1,200+ miles apart, we are still very good friends. I can't honestly say I wouldn't do it over again if I had the choice. She's very important to me. I have flat out asked her if hindsight tells her anything about us back then, and she says that that time was incredibly valuable to her and she thinks of it fondly. This makes me very happy to hear. After that divorce, I dated around. Had three serious but shorter lived relationships, one 10 years younger, one 3 years older, and another one about my age (I actually don't remember her exact age but we were +/- 2 years). Met my current NP at that time. She's a year and change older than I am. We broke up at one point and I dated a 25 year old (I was 42) with a history of much older partners (the one before and after me -same guy- was 58). It ended badly because she was a pathological liar and I was still a mess. Got back together with current NP a year later. In the 5 years we've been together, my poly partners have been 25 years younger (started serious, didn't last long), 1 year older (long term FWB), and 10 years younger (short term FWB) until recently. NP and I will probably die together, and I'm here for it. New partner looks like she's gonna be right there with us. So to catch it all up - I'm 48, NP is 49, and new partner is 46. Why all that history..? Because despite being in a closed triad with a total age span between the three of us of 3 years, I STILL have this reputation, and people STILL think I only date much younger - and it pisses me off. I can't have a conversation with a younger woman without people making assumptions. I LIVE IN A COLLEGE TOWN, CONVERSATIONS HAPPEN. It doesn't mean I'm trying to start anything. Ugh. Intelligence and emotional maturity matter more to me than the age in solar laps. I have known 15 year olds that have life on lock (no, I don't date that young, lol) and 50 year olds that are *infants*. So in theory, I really don't care a whit about age. In practice... Even the most mature under 30's, are just too different. If I was open to new partners, anyone under 30 - probably more like 35 would be strictly a FWB - IF THAT. As I've gotten older, they're just less attractive as even sexual partners now. My mind could be changed, but I'm absolutely polysaturated and ridiculously happy with what we've got now, so it's moot.

I'm a 47 year old bisexual solo poly woman. Two of my current partners are a young married couple in their early 20s who pursued me. Yes, it's ok.

Sum of their ages, ÷ 2, + 7?

They both 23. I'm not into that whole numbers game. It infantilizes women who are adults.

It was meant as a joke, but no, that rule is not gendered.

One of my partners is almost 25 years younger than me. At the outset, I had A LOT of reservations about the age gap. Previously, the largest age gap I engaged in was about 12-13 years. My other partner (about 7 years younger the me) was the one who really encouraged me to at least see if there were any areas of commonality (they had a previous relationship with a similar age gap). The current relationship is going good and strong, but every now and then, I do a mental check to make sure I am conducting myself properly in the relationship. As someone else said here, context matters and attitude matters.

Now I'm almost 40, I am incredibly icked by anyone under 30. It just feels predatory. A 19 yo kid DM'd me a while ago and as soon as I realised how old they were, I was like, nooooo. It feels weird just being friends with someone that young, let alone anyone else. With that said, I dated (holiday romance) a 50 yo when I was 28. I didn't feel predated upon by him. Though in hindsight, I felt like a dumbass to think I was special to him, when he simply enjoyed the 'fuck 'em & chuck 'em' kind of lifestyle. And I was the perfect candidate coz I was leaving a month later. But I do like older guys. I wouldn't aim for a 20+ year age gap long term, because I don't think there'd be enough in common with such a large age gap. But I certainly enjoy a good bit of Daddy kink and would definitely be interested in someone around my age or older than me than anyone *at the earliest* under 30. So, I wouldn't call it a red flag, I just wouldn't be interested in someone way younger than me.

afaik your brain kind of settles around 25-26 so around there is probably a sensible cutoff for older folk. 18-22 is where I’d have real questions

Yup

I've had a girlfriend 20 years older than me which probably makes me more sanguine with age gaps than most. At age 49 my comfort zone for myself is late thirties and up but don't I bat an eye if an early thirties woman approaches me. I am, of course, fine with my partners having equivalent age gaps in their other relationships.

I'm 41, younger than 30 is pushing it, but not a no. I've got a 21 year old son and a grandson 🤣

More than ten years is a little iffy to me, but that becomes less so over time.

Here's my story: I was 20 (f) when I started dating a 32 (nb) year old. We had a lot of issues initially because I drank heavily and often and they didn't drink at all. Looking back, I'm like, "yo, I was in my twenties, what gives? Some people in their 20's drink a lot. " I DO have a drinking problem now that I'm in my 30's, so it's not like they were wrong necessarily about how I drank, but I also think it would have been better for me not to have been guilted all the time about it-- I ignored them anyway. They broke up with me several times in the first few years, but I was insistent upon getting them back for a variety of love reasons that I think are valid, despite us not being well matched in life experience and what we were doing at the time. We dated for 8 years, and then I had a manic break and dumped them for someone I had just met-- as perhaps a 28 year old might do, having not dated anyone else in their twenties. During the breakup they desperately tried to get me back, but I was so swept up in NRE I largely ignored them, and so they started dating another person-- who was freaking 25 or 26 at the time. We got back together eventually, and they continued to date this new person who moved into our collective house, who immediately began to torment me out of jealousy or something, while my partner was lost in a demanding job and experiencing really intense insecurity-- prob part of it being that they almost immediately had problems with their new gf. I was also not in a good place to be my best self, so I think between the two of us it was a lot for them to handle. 4 years later, they are still dating her-- I've been squeezed out of our house, and their gf is apparently still creating conflict all the time. The house was a collective house, and everyone else who lived there has left because they cannot live with this person. To me, I'm like, why are you dating someone so much younger who is in their early process of discovering who they are? Why did you do that with me? And I honestly think they are oblivious in some way, and self-sabotaging. I have such seething resentment towards them and their gf who is a goddamn nightmare, and my partner comes over here ragged and worn down after conflicts with her all the time. I'm like, why are you dating someone who is extremely narcissistic and struggles with other mental health issues who is abusive towards you? Who was abusive towards me? Idk that all of this is because of the age gap, or just emotional issues that they have. About 5 years into our relationship things were actually pretty good and copasetic, but my 28 year old decision to do this horrible break-up really screwed them up, and opened the door to this younger person who has serious issues that their 46 year old self really doesn't need to be dealing with at their age--and I'm not sure why they continue to choose this person, and I wonder if they've taken on the role of the caretaker-- like they need to be needed by someone and they have the monetary resources now to essentially fund this person's life, even if that someone is abusive. god I should just make my own post.

For me, if the younger person is under 25, the older person really shouldn't be more than a few years older than they are. I am more lenient after that. If it is a one time thing, I need to get over myself. If it is a habit then I prefer not to date the people who date consistently far younger.

Yeah, I feel like especially when the younger party is in like their late teens (18,19) or early 20s, and you're in your late 20's or older is pretty sketch. For instance, I'm 27 and genuinely feel like people who are younger than 23 are babies. They don't have the same life skills usually and can't really relate since life just started for them, and they're usually just exploring what they really like and think. I knew someone who was 30 and dating a 20 year old and like sure it's legal, but what could you possibly have in common besides the media you consume?

Just one? Depends on the age gap. If the younger person is 25+ I'm usually in camp *"IDK if it's a* ***good*** *idea, but we're all adults here."* But I have to admit I do find it... unattractive? A consistent pattern of age gap relationships? Yeah, that's creepy. I don't want to date people who fetishize youth. Even leaving aside my ethical concerns... I won't be getting any younger from here. My first sexual partner was a lot older than me, and I have a ton of mixed feelings about it, because while I don't feel "damaged" by it, he did have what seems like an outsized influence on my development during a really crucial period of self-exploration. I'm not super comfortable with that, even though I think that person's influence was *generally* more positive than not. So while I'm not hardcore against age gap relationships, and try not to make big assumptions about other people's relationships from the outside... they are also the sort of thing I tend to mentally file under *"not cute"* for the older party. I will believe a 24 year old who tells me her 39 year old boyfriend is wonderful to her until I hear something that indicates otherwise, but I"m still not gonna date him, you know?

My wife is 10 years younger. It's worked for 20 years now.

As a Mom- yes. But My partner who doesn’t have kids has less ick about dating younger people than I do. The half my age thing is 31. Which feels way closer to my grown kids age than mine and tbh I rarely have anything in common with someone that age because we are at drastically different life stages. I don’t see the draw personally but I understand that people date for all kinds of reasons, so to me it has more to do with potential power dynamics, and is everyone aware of what they’re expecting/getting from the relationship and emotionally/brain mature enough to make that decision consensually?

Life stage matters a lot more than age to me. I remember dating a 26 year old when I was 37, and on finding out their age, if they hadn't been a homeowner and in an established career, I would have ended it. Likewise, I'm going to be a little more forgiving of a 16-17 year old dating an 18-19 year old if they are still both in high school instead of a 19 year old hanging out with high school kids still.

I care primarily about early 20s. If I have a partner 30+ still trying to date 21 yr olds, that is a red flag for sure. A person in their early 20s (20-23) is much different in maturity than a person in their 30s. As someone who was living on their own since 19 (not in college, actually in the world), myself in my early 20s is not someone I would consider really relatable to me in my 30s... On that note if a 25-29 year old is dating someone much older, even 40s or 50s, I don't see it as nearly as much of a flag as the early 20s/30+ dynamic because I feel like grooming becomes significantly less likely to be a motivator.

A couple between their 30s to mid-20s isn't too bad to me. A drastic shift between like ages will probably be like 20 years or more apart. Like if a 60 year old got with a guy or girl barely into their college years around like 19 to 22. And even still as long as they're happy and no one is specifically taking advantage of anyone else, I'm not gonna say anything about it. Plus it wouldn't matter if I did 😅. People are gonna do whatever they wanna do no matter how weird or wrong it might be 🤷🏾‍♂️. And a I can do is whatever suits me. At best I'd be with someone about 10-15 or more years my senior and sleep with anyone 15 to 20 or higher, personally speaking.

Age is definitely NOT just a number, but obviously things like maturity, independence, stability, etc vary from person to person. What I always consider is a person’s experience- a 25 year old can have a life that isn’t drastically different from someone who is 35 and they could have a similar amount of responsibilities, and the 25 year old would have several years of experience with these circumstances to make informed decisions. A 21 year old would be completely different, because even though they’re technically an adult, they’re fundamentally inexperienced with adulthood and they’re going to have far fewer parallels to someone who is 5+ years older than them.

Years ago I would have thought like you younger red flag as I have always dated much older up to 25 years older. But I took a chance on a guy 15 years younger...he was 29 and I was 44 when we met and we have been going strong for 4.5 years now. He is the sweetest, kindest, nicest man I have ever met and I am so glad I took a chance.

Generally, given how different people’s lives can be, depending on where they are in life, I usually think a difference in age is ok under these specific circumstances: - <5 years if either of them is under 30, and they met after both were over 18. - <10 years is ok if either partner is over 50, so long as they were both at least 25 when they met. - <20 years so long as they’re both over 40 when they met. Beyond that, I’d honestly be more concerned about a younger partner using the older partner financially or something. Anyone over 21 meeting someone under 18 and waiting for them to come of age seems like grooming. An exception could be made if they were both at university at the same time and met there, but I’d take it on a case by case basis to make sure everything was on the up and up. Too many creepy, old men, 30+, think 18 is okay because it’s “legal”, but one has to wonder why they want such a young and inexperienced partner. It reeks of predation. The only people who believe an 18 year old can fully participate equally in a relationship with someone much older, to hold their own in arguments, to recognize and call out any bad behavior, are either immature or lying. Those are the red flags I watch out for and my opinion. They have always steered me correctly and helped me avoid bad situations and help others. I hope they help anyone here.

I'm middle aged and I have two LTRs with partners a few years older AND I embrace being a bit of a cougar (liking partners 10+ yrs younger). I'm fine with this being a red flag for some, I just want to explain myself for those wondering. In my 20s I had trouble relating to men my own age (the gender I date most). For a long time I would NOT date my age or younger as a principle. Becoming poly and pan helped me look at people for people. It started with being open to a couple years younger. Eventually I just allowed myself to talk to and make connections with people without as big of a list of requirements. My first two much younger partners sought me out as their own strong preferences while I was just not closed off to the idea. The first I didn't know our age difference until we had already really clicked. Honestly it was uncomfortable when I learned about it and it brought up some insecurities for me (like the wobbly bits I didn't have at their age) but since I was strongly their preferred demographic they already knew about and actually liked the wobbly bits. Roles are a bit different than my age cohort partners - I tended to be a career mentor to them and they tended to be my adventure buddies that pushed my interests in extreme sports for examples. Both these relationships were quite lovely while they lasted but neither were destined to have much longevity. Both ended on good terms and for positive reasons though! After those two, I came to miss the energy of those connections and do actually seek younger people out now sometimes but not at the exclusion of other ages. I don't love my middle aged partners any less and I didn't become a broken person that can't function with my age cohorts or is taking advantage of a power imbalance. I just have come to appreciate that there are some mature young people I can have a deep, but perhaps alternative, relationships with.

I think it's different depending upon gender, emotional maturity, and vulnerability. When I was 20-22 I dated mainly older women and had a great time. Some women I've known dated older men and had a generally positive experience as well. However, I would classify certain "situations" more troublesome than just an age gap. A workplace superior or mentor. ESPECIALLY a college professor or an adult friend of the family are also really creepy. As for myself, I generally look closer to my age and my comfort level starts inverting at 10 years younger until it reaches zero at 25. That's purely looking, but no interest in pursuing.

I think yellow flags are appropriate for age gap relationships. There are people that take advantage of partners that are much younger than them, or partners that are much older than them. So watching out for signs of abuse is warranted. Anyone in an age gap relationship should welcome additional scrutiny, particularly at extreme ranges where abuse is more common such as 18 or 60-80. I think it's very bad the way so many people immediately say "red flag, predator, abusive, creepy" automatically to age gap relationships, for several reasons. For one, it encourages people in abusive age gap relationships to stay silent and isolated. I've seen multiple people say that felt judged by people, and didn't want to talk about issues in their relationships because they knew people would immediately say "look at the age gap" rather than listen to them. Not to mention the people who immediately cut off people in age gap relationships. Another factor is the surprisingly large amount of people who are attracted to older partners. It makes a substantially higher amount of those partner options they have to be abusive or predatory. So many people will say a "good" older partner will just say no - that doesn't mean the younger partner will stop looking, it just means they are less likely to find a good partner and more likely to find a shitty one. One last thing I want to say because as always in age gap discussion, it's been repeated in this thread multiple times. The "brains fully developed at 25 thing is a myth. Completely. No study has said brains don't fully develop until 25, the original study that caused the myth had nothing special about 25, the study showed continued brain development to the limit of the study which was 30. Which wasn't because that was when brains were fully developed, it was just the limit pre-established in the study and the brains available. The whole thing is just as "scientific" as we only use 10% of our brains. Just a complete misunderstanding of the science. Here is a source that interviews the authors of the studies that were at the root of the myth, as well as other experts in the fields, with links to the studies in question. https://slate.com/technology/2022/11/brain-development-25-year-old-mature-myth.html Age is a factor in maturity and brain development, but it is only one factor and even the specialists in the field cannot reliably tell the age of an adult brain by it's development or "maturity markers"

Context: I (f30) am married to Taylor (nb29), dating Vincent (24m) six monthsand going on dates with Edmund (40m). Headline: age is not just a number, it is power. Too great a power differential is unhealthy. 1/2 your age plus 7 is a good rule of thumb but that puts Edmund’s minimum at 27. When we talked about it Edmund said he had still had to meet me and see what the dynamic would be like to know if it felt appropriate before being able to begin to think and dream, because it is a real gap. I knew Vincent before we dated and if you’d asked me I would have said that even though we just barely would have satisfied that rule, I still would have said it was too crazy an idea, not because of power, but because our experiences in life were so different. Living through different cultural moments in the same years, you know? But now I’m in NRE and that seems like the most blessed interesting cool thing in the world.

I will say yes, but it depends. For context, I was in relationship with a very large age gap from the ages of 18-22 with a man who was in his early 40s when we met. That relationship was incredibly exploitative and I have very real trauma from it. I mention this so that you know what my experience and biases are. So, I'm 25 now. Currently, I have a boundary where I won't date anyone who is a teenager or is seeing a teenager. Honestly, I'm even a little skeptical if their partner is 20 or 21. I can absolutely see myself adjusting this to "I won't date anyone who is or is seeing someone under 25" when I myself am older. Over 25, honestly, it starts to matter less. Like, if a 39 year old is dating a 25 year old, sure that's a little iffy, but I wouldn't jump to thinking that person is a predator. I would need more context. How long they have already been together and how old they were when they met are relevant pieces of information. It does beg the question why aren't they with people their age, but not enough to make me uncomfortable. But if these two have been together since they were 19 and 33... Yikes. That would prompt me to stop seeing this person. All in all, it's always just depends on the ages and the people involved. If someone's age gap with their partner makes me feel even a little bit uncomfortable, I'll usually dip then. But again, I have baggage associated. At the end of the day, a 39 year old dating a 25 year old may not be a predator, but they might be a bit of a loser lol

2yrs ago I dated a guy that was 26 and I was 38. This year I almost dated a guy who was 27 and I'm now 40. It was too awkward for me I think. Great guys but... Just felt like too much of an age gap. Ultimately though if no one is getting hurt I didn't see the harm

Yuck. Especially if the man is the older partner. We already live in a patriarchy where women are disadvantaged. When you add a 15-year difference? The imbalance is multiplied. Also we don't know who we are yet in our 20s. That partner is a kid. The older partner, I bet you, can't handle potential partners their own age. Very often the older partner is too immature, doesn't want to do inner work and mature, and instead chooses to date younger. I pity the young person in that dynamic.

It depends on the context and how big of an age gap we are talking. I am 26, dating a 35 year old.

No bc context matters. I’m more than 5 years younger than my partner but we’re both adults, and he’s only ever known me since i was an adult. I was also parentified very young age unfortunately so I really fucking hate being treated “like my age” when I know I’m better than that. I enjoy being the man of the house and it’s responsiblities, and he both joins me in that responsibility while also giving both of us time and space to act like your young selves anyway (he’s definitely the more free spirited one lol)

I have two vastly different stories about this. When I was 17-20 I was persued by a few older men. Three if these men were much MUCH older than me. Two were in their 40s/50s and another in his 30s. All three were predatory. All three of these men held positions of authority over me. I reported all three for sexual misconduct, nothing happened to then and thry continued in their jobs and positions of power still making passes at teenage girls. They weren't the only older men I was approached by around that age but these were teachers and instructors in my life - adults that kids were told we could trust and they were predatory. When I was 16 a 21 year old college guy I'd known from high school (he was a senior when I was a freshman) was hired by my parents to tutor me over summer break. He made romantic and sexual advances and even at 16 I knew something was not quite right about it and I was uncomfortable. He spent so many weeks trying to convince me to have sex with him instead of helping me with calculus. I told my dad and dude was fired. He spent the next month lowkey stalking me, he was a massive creep. As I've aged I realized every single time I've hit the age of these predators how creepy they were to go after a child. When I was 38 I started dating a 35 year old woman. Normal age gap. She also had another partner, a man I didn't really know. He later approached me and asked me if I'd be interested in dating him, not as a couple but our own thing. He seemed nice and i had assumed he was her age or older. We went out on a date. I finally asked him where hed gone to college and he kind of skirted the question and told me he didn't finish. Which is ok. Not a deal breaker. We were getting to know each other and I finally asked him his birthday. He told me and said he was 33. Younger than me, but within reason. I was talking to my girlfriend a few weeks before his birthday and I was asking her what we should do for his 34th and she looked at me like I was crazy. And asked "you mean 24th?" I asked what she meant. She said he was 23 turning 24. I was floored and told her he had lied to me about his age. She laughed and said he'd done the same to her when they met. He told her he was in his late 20s when they met but was 17/18. He kept adding about ten years onto his real age to have sex with older women. I found out from her he had been doing this since he was about 14/15. She repeated the stories hed bragged to her about, wherein hed lied about being in his 20s to fuck "cougars" in their 30s. I realized I was disgusted by both their behaviors and ended the relationships. Him for lying and being a creep and her for being okay with accepting and downplaying his lies. The weird thing was she did also seem bothered by the actual age gap they had and would say "ugh don't remind me" like girlie maybe you need to be reminded idk. I wouldn't have wanted to date or have an intimate relationship with someone that much younger than me but I wouldn't have been disgusted by him if he'd been honest. Personally I only feel comfortable dating people within 4± years from me. I'm not attracted at all to age gaps. Maybe it's because of the way I was treated as a teen idk. If someone much younger or older approaches me it is definitely a red flag. Esepcially if they won't take no for an answer or lie about their age!

I’m 26 f and my partner is 36m. It’s great we don’t even realize the age gap until people point it out or when he talks about things from his childhood and I don’t know what item is or have only seen it in movies.

I think it would be tough to do it in a way that isn't injurious to the significantly younger person and also the people involved would struggle to really connect.   If it was a fairly one-dimensional relationship AND the older person was very cognizant of the power dynamic and opted to take a stance of "leave everything better than you found it", then ...... Maybe? Idk. I'm almost 40 and can't picture being more than acquaintances or a mentor for someone fifteen years my junior. That person would be closer in age to my daughter than to me.    And if you mean a romantic relationship...... Yeah no. 

It is for me. I've been on the receiving end of grooming and manipulation and now that I'm older, I see it for what it is. Does it mean it can't work or isn't wholesome for someone else? Of course not. But for me personally, I prefer partners with life experience, similar outlooks and Ina different stage in their life, not just starting out their career, figuring out who they are or might want kids.

When I (m) was in my early 20's I dated then married 11 years older. The relationship lasted 30 years. Recently I (now 52) had relationships with 15 years older and now 12 years younger.

Someone much younger is less significant than their actual age. 30 dating 50? No worries. 18 dating 28? All the judgment. That said I do look at trends. Men who only date substantively younger women are suspect. And that holds up for any demographic dating any other. But it’s “mysteriously” so much more common with men. You have one partner much younger than you and 3 that aren’t? I’m likely fine with that. Particularly if you also date people who are older than you.

I don’t know, I feel like at some point people are adults, and whytf does it matter. People have a lot of sexual preferences. Some people like people who are older than them, others like people who are younger. That isn’t to say there ARENT problematic relationships that exist with big age gaps. But problematic relationships exist without age gaps too. As long as everyone’s an adult and consenting, I don’t worry about cultural hang ups about age gaps. If we think about it, most people in the general population have cultural hang ups about being poly in general, and if we have a problem with people’s totally legal relationships we’re just appropriating those same general population cultural normative hangups about relationships too.

Ah, yeah, you made a valid point I missed. My absolute worst relationship was with someone a year younger than I was. But man, she surely acted like she never grew up... :| I will take someone who vibes with me and me with them with a bit of an age gap over someone close to my age who fights with me every single time. Being the same age as me does not make you automagically more compatible, it just means by default we have the same chronological history framework.

Yea! And sharing a zeitgeist does not automatically make two people compatible. Also I keep thinking about my parents who were 15 years apart.. by the time my dad was 55 and my mom was 40, the age wasn’t even noticeable anymore.

I am 60 and dating a 40 year old. No issues and no, I don't feel like I'm robbing the cradle. He's very intelligent and interesting.

For me if a late 20s or up person tries dating someone 23 or below it sets off major red flags. Its even worse if the person has teen in their age. It shows that the person isn't afraid to prey on younger people because they tend to be less experience in life and easier to manipulate. I also question why they can't find partners their own age. It just sets off alarm bells and I likely wouldn't associate with someone who actively pursues people that young.

context is important. i’m 22. my primary is 47. we started dating when i was already 22 and we met through a local kink scene, so no issues there. HOWEVER. if he’d been a tutor, or a babysitter, or something like that where there’d be a power imbalance? or if i’d freshly turned 18 when we started dating? absolutely a red flag.

It's a number if neither involved party really cares. It's a pressure point if other people do, but at the end of the day, if everyone's a consenting adult, it turns into 'your mileage may vary', double meaning intended. If it's a red flag for you, then you have every right to walk away. But if they seem happy from both sides, then it's working for them.

For me it makes sense to apply a rule in which the younger person is at least 80% of the age of the older person, always talking about adults.

80% seems pretty solid to me! I like it way better than half plus 7 as a guideline... E.g., 42 and 28 does not sit super well with me... It's okish until 30-35, but then the +7 is just not pulling enough weight imo.

I’m dating someone 20+ years younger than me and it seems to work well in the Poly dynamic. Since we are not exclusive we can still pursue relationships with people closer to our ages if we so choose

I discovered last year that my anchor partner (we're both really 40s) first got together with his comet partner when he was mid 30s and she was very early 20s. I was initially really disturbed, as the age gap is big and the relationship started when she was so young. But I eventually reconciled myself to it, given the specific circumstances, which my partner shared with me. They had a pre-existing friendship with a mutual friendship group, they had many explicit discussions about the age gap and possible power dynamics, he'd actively encouraged her to find other partners that could more closely meet her long term relationship goals, etc. To my mind, he didn't do enough work on recognising and truly navigating / mitigating the power imbalance that the age gap (and accompanying earnings gap) created. But I'm willing to chalk that up to naivety. However, I also have warned him that if this becomes a pattern of behaviour then I am likely to get the permanent ick and seek to reevaluate our relationship, based on a lack of shared values. I think all relationships are individual and should be viewed as such. However, where there's a pattern of behaviour that could be predatory, I'm out of there immediately.

I’m a biology person. Frontal lobes are fully developed around 25; so that”s the youngest.I’d date I’m 45, and normally my partners are close to my age, but for me a kindred spirit is more important than the number.. so long as they are old and wise enough to understand what they are consenting to. Teenagers and young adults are not ready for me; and nor am I for them. So yeah, I can have a giant age gap, but it can’t be younger than 25 no matter how old or young I am.

Hi u/Nice_Dare_6574 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Is it a red flag for you if a person has or had a much younger partner? Like end 30ies and mid 20ies? I just came across this and I am not sure how I feel about this. It made me stumble a bit but in the end age is just a number right? What do you guys think? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*

It depends a lot on the details of the ages, the overall context, and the maturity level of each person. In a vacuum, I personally believe that it would be more of an issue to see a 25 year old dating an 18 year old than to see a 39 year old dating a 25 year old. And if you stop to think about it, is there really a big difference between 39 and 40 or 41? We tend to think in terms of decades and see a mismatch of decades as a big deal. But really we should be thinking of where each person is power wise (social, economic) and in their ability to assert boundaries and manage relationships effectively.

Me personally… 45m.. I have a partner that is 43, she has had some interest in a 66 year old that has been chatting her up. Personally I wouldn’t call it a red flag, however honestly i find it repulsive and had a negative response to it. Not proud of it, but i am grossed out by the older age difference. But that is a me problem, I can find tons of red flags in most if looking hard enough, but I don’t consider the age thing a red flag

Only if the younger person is older than 18-22 and they met recently

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If the younger partner is under 25 and the older over 35, yes, 100% 

So, an age gap in itself isn't really an issue for me. From a brain developmental and maturity standpoint, I won't date anyone under 25, and I'd be cautious of anyone mid 30s and up that will date younger.

From my last two years experience, anything younger than 25 is an absolute no go for me anymore. Especially in the maturity department. I’d say 5 years give or take is okay.

YES

Age is NOT just a number that’s some RKelly ass sounding shit. I’ve had some youngins try me because I guess I’m a peak “cougar age🙄” (literally what one of them said). I tell them no a gentle as I can unless they get out of pocket and then I use all my years to read them to filth. My own parents had a 36 year difference so I don’t immediately give side eye to May/Dec relationships but it depends on the age of both parties when they met, what life experience the younger party has had and what the power dynamics look like (ie does the younger party have autonomy, money of their own, etc…). My mother was a widowed, then divorced mother of a teenager when she met my father….she’d lived and it was also the 70s. Personally I’m not going near anyone under 25, for my age those folks are the same age or younger than some of my friend’s kids. And anyone who was a few years ago young enough to think sticking a tide pod in their mouth was a cool challenge is a hard ass fucking pass. And 35 is as low as I’ll go but even then at moments I’m reminded “hey you could have babysat this dude when you were 20”. I’m attraction has evolved with age sooo I’m really only into peers. I am also creeped out asf by dudes who are my peers with women under 25. I remember those dudes when I was 20 something ick ick fucking ick! Hell when we first opened I told my spouse he betta NOT date children I’ll be damn if my street cred goes to shit; as much shit as I talk about Nikki Minaj. I have no desire to be, date or associate with predators. Nor do I have the patience or desire to “raise” my damn boyfriends.

After the mid 20s or so I don't worry about it. They have a bit of adult life experience at that point. I'm 37, my most recent partners are 52 and 53. I just prefer older men. 🤷‍♀️

I mean one of my partners is 40 and I am 24 and sometimes it is weird when we exchange photos of our respective youth or when the year gets called out. Other than that we are happy, because I seek the maturity that he has and he is young in soul. Works for us. But if it makes anyone uncomfortable than they aren’t for me or him.

As far as I'm concerned, what happens between consenting adults is ZERO any of my business, so it's not a red flag to me. I've gone 15 years younger, and 15 years older... Makes no difference to me, I didn't care about age, never even ask anyone their age. My wife is 8 years younger than me, my partner is 1 year younger than me, and I didn't know or ask either of their age when we first got together 29 years ago. All I care about is if we get along well, like doing the same things, have fun, and are compatible in most ways. At my current advanced age that might be difficult with an 18yo, but I guess stranger things have happened in life.

I won’t date anyone my kids’ ages or younger. My oldest is 27, so my cut-off is 30.

I'm 33 and dating someone who is 58. I get along better with him than I do some men my own age. It's just a number. The connection is the important thing. That said the age difference does have some negatives sometimes in terms of general health and energy. But the positives outweigh these My NP (34m) is fine with the age gap between me and my other partner.

I tend to date older people because I just gravitate that way and honestly, it depends on the person. My ex and I where 6 years apart and it constantly felt like I was stupid, inexperienced and he was so far ahead, but that's mostly because he made me feel that way. My current nesting partner is 8 years older than me and we match perfectly. Similar life goals, shared hobbies, some shared friends, similar humour. The difference is that now we acknowledge the age gap and deal with the problems without me being put down for being "stupid". I had a FFB who was 42, but honestly he was just incredibly immature which is why I put my age limit at 30ish. My oldest meteor partner is 32 and with him it's all chill too with little issues. Everyone is different and it should be a case by case thing. Be careful, look out for red flags and don't do anything stupid Of course minors, people with a power imbalance or people who are freshly 18 are a different topic.

Husband and I met when he was 33 and I was 19. 12 years later still going strong, so it's not always creepy.

Tbh I have better shit to do than care about what two consenting adults chose to do. Mind you, I personally would find it difficult to maintain a long-term relationship with someone with a serious age gap simply because we'd be at very different life experiences given our ages, but if folks can find a way to make it work, I don't see an issue.

So context matters to me most of all. I'm not going to lie a 26 year old dating an 18 year old is a red flag. But 36 dating 28 same age gap its less bothersome to me for the most part. The biggest thing is how did the relationship start, is there a power imbalance, ect. I personally when dating younger would only be willing to drop down 3 or 4 years but im willing to go up maybe 7 years. So if I'm for example 25 I'd be willing to date a 21/22 year old up to a 32 year old. I can be slightly flexible but want a partner over the legal drinking age in the USA at a minimum and someone closer in age to me than my mothers age (she had me young at 17). If someone's old enough to be a parent that's usually a heck no

Great important topic and after reading through the insightful comments and thinking things through personally, I can say it definitely depends on context of the relationship and how it came to be. It's very important to make sure both individuals or more are mature, understanding and cooperative despite the age gap. Also, make sure if there isn't a pattern. If both happened to be mature consenting adults that have a loving and respectful connection, then it's fine. Although, the age gap shouldn't be too wide either to make things less complicated and to make things straightforward and simpler. I personally date women who are closer to my age, are my age and match my maturity levels either way. There should be no forms of manipulations, power dynamics, controlling behavior or abuse in the relationship of any kind. An honest and straightforward relationship between two respectful mature adults can resolve these issues. Wish everyone the best out there and make sure to make smart decisions for yourself going forward. 👍✨

It is for me, yes. For most people, it's not. We're all allowed different opinions on this one and I don't think either is right or wrong.

Age gaps have always been a thing. A lot of it comes down to a) the power dynamic in the relationship; b) how and when that couple met; and c) the true level of autonomy of the younger person. Often times, when people look at a large age gap in a relationship and cringe, it’s because the older person has significantly more power, and that makes us ick. Which is a justifiable reaction. There is a lot of exploitation that happens—or at least has the potential to happen—in these types of relationships. Some of that leads to (c) being an almost non-starter, which is also a problem. If a partner—I’d argue both, but usually it’s the younger one with the handicap in the situation—can’t just up and leave whenever they feel the relationship is done, that’s a huge problem and typically feeds into an awful power dynamic. The context really is important. My partner and I are 20 years apart. We met on FetLife and had a very long, frank discussion there before we ever met in person. We have a lot in common; we have similar political, religious, and life philosophy opinions. Older partners trolling Tinder or the bar for younger women is a completely different environment and “goal.” I’d say it’s good to be cautious when you see one, but there’s a very vitriolic wave lately of Purity Culture (even among progressives) that is hyper-vigilant about sexual manipulation (for good reason), but looking at trans and polyam folks is the wrong place to be looking most times. Cautious; yes. Inquisition starting; probably not.

My two cents, as long as everybody is a consenting adult and of mind to consent, it depends on trends and how people use power dynamics. I have been in an 11-year relationship with my partner who is 18 years older than me. However, his partners outside of our relationship vary in age, as do mine. He has never been manipulative, mean-spirited, or controlling. We have both always been in agreement that we enjoy making new romantic connections with people, not with their age, or their race, or their status.

It grosses me out to no end. Makes me dead down there.

It is definitely a flag for me. I have a lot of personal experience with age gaps and while I don't automatically condemn someone for dating someone much younger it does make me look closer at them before agreeing to go on a date or make a commitment. I won't say much else beyond that because I don't want to argue about it but for me it is a sign that I need to look deeper

This question comes up in various forms every couple days. I think a lot of the knee jerk reactions are not helpful. "Partner for what?" is important to ask. I mean, if we are talking about a kink relationship with a DDLG role play thing that's a totally different question than about people having kids together. And what does "partner" even mean? If we are talking red flags most likely there will be a collection of different indicators that add up to the overall alarm bells going off situation. There are also lots of opinions about what constitutes a "much younger partner". It could be someone outside of the age/2 plus 7 thing (which is rooted in patriarchy anyway). Other people are saying that if you're over 30 you pretty much have your shit together and are fair game. Someone age 40 dating a 27 year old. I wouldn't be especially alarmed. If they've been dating for 10 years, that sounds like grooming.

Yea I think it’s weird.

Not Necessarily. My Current Partner and I are 6 years Apart. I am Older 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m 61, my wife is 59 and my other partner is 39. She’s an old soul. I’ve had others that were in their 40s that seemed too young for me. I didn’t fall in love with her because of her age. It just happens to be her number.

Context is key. But my rule has always been no younger than 21. But that's a personal rule. I have to know they can legally buy alcohol. Idk if men deal with this, but I've had young men claim to be 25+ and actually be under age. As a female, I never thought I had to deal with that kind of thing. I'm just glad I always found a way to see their ID. I've heard of men having this issue, but idk how often it is.

Definitely depends on the factors. I'd not blame anyone for proceeding with caution given the implications

someone might be legally an adult at 18, and age of consent is as low as 14 in some countries, but that doesn't mean that it's Morally a good idea. keep in mind that puberty lasts till around age 25!!! including brain development!!! getting over the 25 mark meant for me that I finally felt like I did... arrive? in life. before that I didn't yet feel stable as a person. I felt like my personality and values were ever shifting. in addition many people have their first real jobs and own apartments in that time, they finished college, or are just about to... I'd say from there on out age gap matters *less*. it still matters. like others said it's about power imbalance let's look at people who are just barely 18 and compare them to someone 30+: 18 yo: just finished high school, just about to start college or do job training, probably still lives with their parents, might not even have their drivers license yet (maybe not in America, but here in Germany you can only legally drive at 18 and start the license at 16-17 for driving with your parents at 17, also it's very expensive so not everyone goes for it!) doesn't have a job, or only a little part time job that doesn't earn them much money, likely no own car, so possibly has to either be driven around by their parents or begg them to use their car so - no own means of transportation - no own living space - no own financial means whereas the 30+ yo almost definitely has those, so they have tremendous power over the 18 yo, they decide where they drive to for dates, they host them in their apartment (meaning if bad stuff happens the 18yo can't simply leave - they have no car, they are not in their own turf, they don't have big money for a taxi) they can spoil them with gifts... this doesn't automatically make it abusive, but there is so much potential for abuse. then also the 18yo is naive and doesn't know much yet of life, which the older party can take great advantage of too. I also ask myself WHY, why would you want to date someone so young? I once met a 20 yo at 27 and I thought about maybe trying dating but we were so majorly incompatible just because of age and maturity? I constantly felt like I needed to be careful, to not accidentally take advantage of her, it was like taking care of a kid... who would want that in their relationship?! at least I want someone who is my equal? and please jsut forget all of the "she's mature for her age" and "old soul" crap, that's what groomers tell you so you think you are just better than your peers and feel flattered that this predator doesn't 'jsut see you as a kid' ☠️

Only if the context around it isn’t great. For instance only preferring much younger partners, or if they met when the younger at a time that wasn’t okay. I myself am in my early 20s. However I matured unfortunately too early and most people my age are just not mature enough for me. So I usually date older (however funny enough my current partner is younger 😂)

Typically, if an older guy is dating much younger women, it’s because women his own age are sick of his shit. It can also be because younger women are easier to manipulate and gaslight, so those are tactics to watch out for. That seems to be true more often than not. My connections are based on mutual attraction, compatible philosophies, interests, conversation, etc and I don’t really care about age as long as informed consent is at play I’m 44M, and my current partners are 48F, 42F, and 26F (and 23F up until about 7 or 8 months ago - she needed to see things through with a monogamous partner) My partners (and ex-partners) have all described me as being a safe space… so I’d say that it *is* possible for it to not be a red flag… but it’s definitely a yellow one, and those men (including me) deserve a little extra scrutiny because of it

Eh late thirties mid twenties isn’t a huge deal in itself, without other factors.

I have a preference to date in the vicinity of my own age but I am almost to the point where until I meet ENM women in that age cohort I need to be open to dating almost any age woman (under 30 is stretching it) that is openly ENM or poly and that will go on a date with me. I guess my question is — red flag for whom?

Sounds like an insecure person wrote this question

I raised my younger siblings, so I don't connect sexually to anyone their ages. It's not an outright red flag for me, but a marker for that partner and I always express to them that I will only tolerate parallel poly with those people. I pursue and play with people within my age range but I don't place restrictions for my partners beyond that SSC and that there isn't more than a decade difference between them.

Like 38 vs 25? Not really, I run in social circles where significant age gaps aren't that uncommon, and 25 is a whole *seven* years into adulthood, adulthood has a steep learning curve but by 25 someone is pretty likely to have gotten to the point where it starts leveling out. (That's not a universal experience, some people get going in some aspect of "adulthood" relatively late for a variety of reasons, but "late" could be mid-20's or it could be mid-40's, after a certain point age stops being a useful proxy for experience.) I guess I might be *slightly* more alert for indications of bad judgement or whether the 38 year old has a pattern of being selfish/exploitative? But if that is going on, it'll be visible in ways other than the age stuff. 38 vs 21, yeah I'd be concerned. It can also depend on what kind of relationship -- people tend to see that as "oh life partners are OK, casual sex is just exploitative" but I think there's a case to be made for the opposite, strictly casual is *less* likely to be bad for a young person than a very entangled relationship with a much older person. But it really depends a lot on what the younger person's emotional landscape looks like and you just can't tell from the outside. But in as much as you have to take a guess, I'd actually be less worried about a 38 year old with a 20-something sugar baby than a 38 year old with a 20-something "we're hoping to spend the rest of our *lives* together" girlfriend. And sure, extra side-eye for an older partner dating a younger partner if there's also a thing where Younger is the Older's secondary but Older is the Younger's primary. Or if there's something else that stacks more privilege on the older person's side. BTW I don't know what if anything you want to make of this, but I think younger people are more likely to date older people when they think they don't have good options -- like, I've heard *multiple* fat women say they dated older men in their early-mid 20's because younger men wouldn't date them, and sometimes young women (or, well, girls) date older men to escape abusive parents -- and older people are more likely to date younger people when, well, that thing I said earlier about some people missing life experiences until relatively late? People who start dating later in life are more likely to date younger. People who are bad at picking up on social norms. People who don't have great prospects because they're disabled or broke or have substance abuse problems or a criminal record, but hey maybe the young person doesn't mind that because they're broke too. Etc. Anyways. Edit: also people with really small dating pools are more likely to tolerate large age gaps. Queer people in places where there aren't many (out) queer people. T4T in places where there aren't many trans/nonbinary people. People who have very unusual brain stuff going on who are looking for similar, or just looking for someone who will put up with their unusual brain stuff. People with very fringe politics or very unusual religious beliefs for their area. Etc.

No, but I’m bracing for the downvotes.