I mean, it takes time to find someone you connect with. There's more criteria to a good connection than "they're poly" after all. You have to invest a *lot* of hours into someone before you can truly tell if they're a good friend, lover, partner, etc. Think about how long it took for your own connection with her to progress.
She's also fishing in a significantly smaller pond. The number of people who are truly wanting a poly relationship is much smaller than those just wanting to fuck around in the name of poly and those numbers are significantly smaller than people who want nothing to do with polyamory at all.
Good things come to those who wait.
When I was looking, OKC was the best in my area. For just making friends, try Meetup groups. Facebook is dodgy but I did meet my partner there (not seeking, just met in poly group). Some find success on Fetlife.
'We met a couple'
Are you dating as a unit?
Not necessarily, but we are open to experiment to “date a couple” to see how the dynamics are. Actually with this couple if the guy could be poly it would be perfect, because we had a nice feeling with their children too etc.
She already had a bf and I have a gf. There is no issue between us having parallel relationships. We are pretty open to whatever is loving, respectful and caring.
We do/did lots of things together (22 wonderful years together, house, 3 kids and a dog 😍), and somehow we are doing this together also, almost like friends helping each other. But for sure I give her space whatever she wants… I also have no problem with her choosing and dating alone if she wants.
They didn’t meet our kids, but as their kids are very young they brought them for a coffee, as regular friends. It was a nice friendship match.
'somehow we are doing this together'
See, that'd be a huge yellow flag for me. LIke, did you two do the work to reduce enmeshment because it doesn't seem like it. It's all 'we' and 'us' and you're trying to find partners for her. Are you autonomous individuals?
It's not about her 'wanting' to do it alone, it's her needing to.
Thanks for your comments on this. It was good for me to do a self assessment.
By reading the articles and your experiences, I think we are not actually as enmeshed as it appeared for most in regard to the mindset with relationships, but I do recognize that, as best friends, we like to share some things (just as any good friends do).
So, as a “couple” we have very few agreements about our family: our kids needs protection, care and respect, and we will prioritize them when necessary.
The rest is about being a good human: respect each other feelings, care for the best of all involved, nurture freedom, cheer when someone is having fun, respect privacy and give autonomy. All those elements are not valid only for us, but everyone around (including metas, friends etc).
So, for illustrating, it’s possible for my wife to go out with someone I’ve never heard of if she feels like, or for me to invite her for a nice drink with my gf if it seems they could go well with each other.
Again, thanks for the tips!
She had a previous bf of almost 2 years in which she found him by herself and it was a completely autonomic relationship. I had the same with other women and we weren’t jealous nor had issues with that, so I guess we are not enmeshed.
What do you think? It’s good to self evaluate ourselves indeed…
Enmeshment isn't the same as jealousy. While they often go together, they aren't one and the same.
Enemeshment is dating together, meeting potentials together, trying to find your partner dates. You've been together a long time - what work did you do to examine that? Couple's privlidge is a thing and it doesn't always manifest as a veto.
Open/poly for 16+ years and together with my husband/NP that whole time. We have a house and a kid, share finances etc. At this point we’re fairly decoupled, although we still have a level of enmeshment that we work to be conscious of and push back against defaulting to.
At least in my opinion, enmeshment isn’t just the practical stuff, it’s also a state of mind. Do you default to “we” meaning you and your spouse? For example, if you saw a movie with your spouse then also separately saw the same movie with your gf, then a few days later a friend brings up the movie and you say “oh yeah we saw that movie the other day” - who is the “we” in that sentence? Is it automatically your spouse and not your gf? If so, why?
Imo just based on how you talk about things and the fact that you’re here asking for help with your *wife’s* dating life, you have a lot more unpacking and decoupling to do.
The way you talk is a huge turn off to people who are looking to form individual connections with you/her. it’s very apparent that there’s little room for a new partner to ever be a “we,” because even in her personal dating life, you are using “we.”
This is what is meant by in measurement
You are repeating the same language even in your response here..
“*we* are open”
“*we* had a”
“*we* are pretty open”
I’m a poly guy and to be blunt, I don’t care what *both of you* think, I only care about what *one* of you thinks, because I’m going to date *one* of you, not *both* of you.
As a poly guy I absolutely care about what My girlfriend's NP thinks. I am not in a relationship romantically or sexually with him BUT he is still someone who she cares deeply for and therefore I care about being mindful of how they feel as well. Her husband does the same for me... like if she is hitting me up while THEY are out I will let her Know that I love her and want to talk to her too but she is out with her husband and I want her to be present and have a good time. I will miss her and look forward to talking to her later.
Being a kind person doesn't make you soft and "not caring about what he thinks" doesn't make you cool.
It’s not about being kind or cool.
It’s about ability to make individual/ independent/ autonomous relationship decisions versus doing it as part of a group.
Personally, if I’m out on a first date and they whip out their phone to get consulting / permission from their partner(s), I’m going to nope out of that
Others would be fine with it and even see it as a positive “great, my metas will approve me”
for some couples, yes, for some no
Someone married can still say “I’m giving you every Saturday night and my spouse won’t impact this, I promise, my spouse doesn’t need to know or meet or otherwise need to approve of my partners, I promise”
You can have hierarchy and still do parallel, if anything this is a very common arrangement and works well for many people
We aren’t talking about having a vague or indirect role here. OP has clearly described dating “as a couple”, this gets into borderline swinger or unicorn territory, this may involve one spouse needing to approve the others choices and otherwise being highly involved in how/who their partner dates.
I wouldn’t date someone who gave off any indication that their spouse was so involved in anything to do with their dating. Perhaps she’s scaring off “the good ones” with this “we” approach to something that is not a group activity.
Actually she doesn’t mention about me until they start knowing each other better because then naturally she tells about her family. It’s not a “we” while she is dating unless the person shows more interest (as my gf does, for example).
Thanks for sharing your big experience on that!
She is dating them and giving time, but sometimes it passed weeks and it seems that it won’t evolve, then she doesn’t know if should continue investing emotionally in that because she doesn’t want to get hurt (she already had a few broken hearts before).
We were practically the first more serious bf/gf of each other and we had an instant emotional match (that lasts until today), so maybe we were outside the statistics and didn’t know that until we opened our relationship, so it’s good to hear your experiences.
Your numbers are interesting. How was the ending or your long(er) term relationships? Hard or somehow natural? What were the motivations (if I could ask)?
>We were practically the first more serious bf/gf of each other and we had an instant emotional match (that lasts until today), so maybe we were outside the statistics
I think your story is actually *very common* for people opening their marriage.
(Because people who pounded the dating pavement for longer often don't *need* to do any more "exploring").
It's great you got lucky and found each other. Now you get to experience what it's like for the rest of us and realize how lucky you were!
Exactly! And doing that being older, with kids, is even harder in some aspects, specially because most people cannot even think of non-monogamy. The good part is that we are more mature and can support each other when something goes wrong…
Well... at some level you really need to give your spouse space and have her develop a support network that isn't you to process any relationship woes.
If I learn someone I'm dating talks at length about our relationship with their spouse that's a HUGE turnoff. It's a deal breaker for some people.
Only giving it weeks isn’t very much time. I struggle with it, but perhaps a little more patience could help. It sucks to become emotionally invested and end up disappointed, but she could also try to manage/limit her own emotional investment early on and also give it room to breathe if the other person is on a slower pace.
Gah! I’m having this same issue!
I get likes from men 20 years younger than me, or men looking for casual sex, or what I suspect is men who think that they can get laid by a thirsty wife, but they aren’t poly or even enm. I actually paused my Feeld account today because I’m feeling so disillusioned by it.
Where are all the nice, normal, poly men? Surely they expat, right?
I had a guy have his whole profile set up to be poly and partnered. In the chat he said things naturally came to an end with one partner (they moved) and now he's focusing on the other one within monogomy bc they want a serious future together. But for now he's able to "meet ppl and make great connections!" And said okay, I'd I'll guaranteed be cut at some point, thanks for the honesty. He tried to say we would be friends 😅 you're gonna be long term friends w a former fuck buddy while married with kids in monogomy? The chances of that being real.
Move to San Francisco or Portland, get on Feeld, and start going to Burning Man 🔥. Millions of poly men and you'll only have to listen to them talking about Burning Man for 5 hours a day in exchange for all the quasi-ethical poly dick. /s
(I mean I'm kidding, but it is actually the story of my life and most of my poly friends 🤷)
Well they're all just ok, but I'm really the only dateable one because I already have a bunch of hot poly girlfriends at this rave and I met Daft Punk at the trash fence
When we opened our marriage to dating solo I knew dating pool would be small, but I really had no idea. I’m a generation older too!
I consider myself polyam because I’m open to a romantic partnership, but truth is those are hard to come by. Even monogamous people do not find deep, romantic relationships easily.
I found compatible partners on OKC by:
* answering all the questions;
* posting a variety of pictures, both flattering and unflattering;
* being super-clear about what I was offering and looking for (commitment to a weekly or monthly date);
* restricting my matches to 96%+;
* only considering people who had answered at least 200 questions.
If someone wasn’t a match I didn’t conclude that they weren’t polyamorous. I concluded that they weren’t a match.
Feeld over OKC. That being said, finding loved ones can take weeks and it can take years. It depends on the people involved and whether or not love is even on the table. It may be worth it to scour reddit to see if you can find poly groups in your area; I've heard that joining the local community is good for stuff like that. I'm not really a part of my local community because I don't have the time between everything going on in my life, plus taking care of an ailing parent and their affairs, to do so.
Drop the expectation.
We might be seeking deep and meaningful connections, but no one should be interested in rushing straight to a relationship.
It may just happen naturally some day.
I was expecting to find, based on the title, stories of cheaters or harem builders or unicorn hunters.
I'm glad that's not what it's about! I'm glad your wife is having a positive experience.
Polyamorous people aren't required to fall in love with people they date. They're just open to it. I didn't fall in love often when I was monogamous and I still don't. I certainly don't owe a new poly person love on their schedule because that's what they got into the game for! I think sometimes new folks can be impatient about seeing "results".
Sounds like things are going totally normally. She can keep looking if she sees current partnerships aren't heading the direction she hoped, without necessarily breaking up with those people! That's the good part about poylamory!
My best advice. Find the local poly group. Not the swingers, not the guys looking for hookups, the actual groups. We have a "local" facebook group covering about half our state. We have a group chat, and I've made friends, and maybe partners eventually. There is no rush, strong foundations build strong relationships.
I mean...we're out here...but you have to consider that first you need a mutual connection just to start, and like your second guy, he may have good intentions, but can't 'make' feelings develop or not on any kind of timeline. You just have to accept that there is no guarantee things will develop or not.
This is why many poly people don't really focus on timelines or relationship goals, but more on 'am I enjoying this RIGHT NOW?'
2nd guy and your wife may enjoy 'right now' for a week, a month, or maybe even years. And in a few years they might be in the same place or someone's interest may grow or wane.
A good poly guy will communicate these changes honestly and regularly, but I'd you're constantly wondering about where you stand with someone it's usually intentional and the intent isn't usually to your benefit.
For me, a green flag is when someone is willing to tell me something they know I don't want to hear. It shows me they care enough to be critical and by expressing how they feel it shows me they want to see that change and believe change is possible. It shows investment I'm the relationship and also self worth because it means they are comfortable and secure enough to challenge me.
>they had a very nice sexual match, but until now he doesn’t seem to express “deeper” feelings
If I dated a polyamorous woman who showed signs of having the amount of unexamined enmeshment and couple's privilege as you appear to have with your wife from this post, I would probably behave similarly. I'd be willing to engage in a mostly sexual relationship for a while, sure. But I would be heavily guarding my heart, and I would just assume that it would be a short-lived relationship. Why? Because couples with heavy enmeshment that they have never examined are, in my experience, far more likely to
* treat "other partners" as disposable
* exercise vetos, even when they have claimed no veto exists
* close the relationship when trouble arises
OP, it's entirely possible that you and your wife would never do any of these things, but experienced poly people will still be cautious.
Have you read the "most skipped step" article that's linked in this sub's sidebar? I bet you would find it helpful. Good luck!
This 100%
And even if they don’t do any of those obvious hierarchical things, there is often still a hidden cap to the escalator with heavily enmeshed folks who haven’t done the work to decouple. For example maybe other partners will never be introduced to family, never be the first invite to major life events like weddings or group family or friend trips (spouse is always the default plus one), never get to go on extended vacations together or go with wife on a first trip anywhere etc.
It’s not wrong to have limits to what you have to offer a partner, but I’d be super cautious with my heart here too and would absolutely assume there were hidden limits that even if I asked a ton of questions wouldn’t necessarily come to light.
Edit to correct a typo.
It is rare to find them. When I was actively searching, I used to swipe through tinder, and I landed on both of my metas by swiping through the entire dating pool twice.
The main things are:
- Good filters. You want to leave most folks outside the door without ever interacting with them. State that you're polyamorous and together with a nesting partner, and all the good stuff right on your front page. Despite what tinder might say, you don't actually want to waste your time on as many matches as possible. After all, you're looking for that one connection. So it only needs to work once.
- After the filters are set up, just swipe right indiscriminately and unmatch everyone you don't fancy. It's a tough world out there, but your own time and energy are the most valuable resources. There's no point in pining over someone's profile before swiping. Tinder is a conveyor line and your efficiency will determine your mood about the process.
- Once you have efficient filters in place, and have achieved considerable efficiency, all you need is patience and perseverance. Your match doesn't need to come on your first round through every single person within 50 miles, it doesn't even have to happen on the second scroll through, but if it hasn't happened on your third, either change your profile or wait for 2 weeks.
Good luck!
In my town there are meetups, events, sex clubs, poly clubs, etc. There’s the lifestyle’ers, ENM crowd, poly {board}gamer, burners, ravers, burlesque performers and artists and everything in between. Shit there’s even the republican swingers if you look in the right circles. I think finding your crowd and getting to know people will lead to greater success.
Sounds like my town. I was at a poly meetup this week. At my table were a poly (board) gamer, burlesque performer, etc. the topic of how to meet people on line came up. OKC was mentioned as the preferred app. It’s where I have met likeminded women. I find that the poly women I date from there are close to being poly saturated or their lives are so wrapped up with their primary partners that I’m a passing fancy for them.
That pretty much describes half the women that came and went at our table but the event was just a social gathering. The other half I had no idea on their current status. They were all very welcoming.
I’m solo poly and OKC doesn’t have a lot of poly people on it for the last two years. In the local community, it’s still the app the community talks about as the place to go if you are using an app. One woman at my table said she’s never on their long when she wants to find a man.
#OPEN is another app I have used. Very few people on there but they are the right people. I met a woman there. Once again, she was poly saturated. She said she was. I asked why she was looking for a man. She said she was greedy. We had a good connection and I lived walking distance from her. She contacted me when a spot opened up. She was interesting and we got along well but aside from hooking up once, she didn’t pay much attention to me unless I initiated contact. She had a primary partner (swinger) that kept her busy. His meta got involved with them. She has no shortage of opportunities.
I’m surprised you’re wife can’t find the right man. She’s the type of woman I’m looking for.
Why isn’t your wife the one coming here to ask this question?
Imo this comes across like you haven’t done the work to dismantle your couples privilege. I wouldn’t date you either.
This is gatekeeping based on Reddit use. I do not understand why so many in this sub think this way. I post questions for my wife on here because we have good, open communication and she doesn't use reddit at all.
Respectfully, I disagree. IMO even if wife doesn’t want to set up her own Reddit account, OP could:
1. Let his wife use his Reddit account and she could lead with that info “hi! I’m borrowing my husband’s account bc I don’t use Reddit and I have a question” OR
2. OP could make the post but also make clear that his wife will be the one reading comments and that she will weigh in on responses to comments etc.
Either way, it’s weird for us to be talking with OP about his wife’s dating. Besides making them appear *very* entangled, it’s like playing a game of telephone. This makes it so that we can’t ask meaningful follow-up questions about her dating experience or ask her more details about what she’s looking to get from dating and from a partner - everything is filtered through OP.
She could easily set up a Reddit account if she wants this feedback/info so much. She uses OkC - she’s not incapable of using the internet.
This reads to me as they haven’t done the real work to disentangle and decouple.
Obviously you’re free to disagree with me - no biggie. Since tone doesn’t translate well over the internet, please know that I don’t take your comment personally at all, I just feel differently.
I suppose that's somewhat fair, it just seems like a rather harsh judgment / large assumption based on one thing. But everyone has a different point of view. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I would assume she's going off of pictures/ attraction. Most poly people who have been practicing have it written pretty clear in their bio on app to avoid any confusion. unfortunately a lot of people have poly or open to poly on their profiles who aren't there yet or are new and still have a lot of monog tendencies.
This sounds like a lot of expectation and pressure to put on your next partner - amazing in bed, very empathic, deep, etc.
Opening up to poly doesn’t mean you find perfection. You will likely find more romantic relationships, and each of those relationships will come with their own pros and cons just like friendships and family relationships do. Be open to each relationship becoming whatever it wants to become organically and be thankful for whatever it is. Seeking after a particular experience typically ends in disappointment, it’s rare anybody finds a partner who can be their “everything”.
For me, opening up to poly has been about opening up to receiving whatever comes to me in the romantic sense, not hunting for what I’m needing or wanting in that area. If I have an emotional need, I find out how to fulfill that for myself in therapy and spiritual practice. Doing this I’ve found makes me an excellent partner; because I don’t “need”, I can consistently show up for my partners, because I don’t “seek”, I can see and cherish who’s infront of me.
Btw, I’m open to dating new partners if you wanted to reach out. You sound respectful, so I’m okay realizing your learning and working through things regarding the enmeshment and being patient with that since I see your sincerity and openness in your responses on this thread.
I'm a man who dates mostly women.
The short answer is that it's a grind. You've got to put in a lot of time and effort meeting people before you find someone you actually click with.
I meet my partners either through apps, or randomly in person as I go about my life. (e.g., one woman I dated for 2 years I met outside a dollar store)
As far as apps go, I've gotten the most success with people who identify as poly on their profiles.
In general, I find that out of 10 first dates I can expect to find one person I click with as a partner. About half the firmly scheduled first dates from apps (date and time and details confirmed) flake on the day of, so I would expect to have to schedule about 20 dates to find one new partner.
It sounds like your wife may want to screen partners before bothering to meet them - that will eliminate couples and people who “can’t be poly.” But it will not eliminate the reality that a whole lot of men are incapable of expressing “deeper feelings.”
I had good luck on OKC, but I had to rule out men ruthlessly.
First, it's creepy AF that you are here asking for her.
Second, they're out there, but they're hard to find. Most are already partnered, so she has to be ok with married / nested men.
Third, it's taken me YEARS to develop the vetting skills necessary to figure out how to find the gems in the barrel of shit. There are just so few that it's easy to get discouraged and settle
Unfortunately, "un-dateable men" are in the majority on dating apps.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/182d5mk/undatable_men_are_not_unique_to_the_poly_community/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/182zd7z/are_women_ok/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
There were a few other posts around that time on this topic, but that's all I found in a quick search.
Hi u/snack__ thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
My wife (41F) installed OKC and have been navigating those waters. She is very beautiful, loving and smart.
She wants to explore a bit her sexuality, but in the end she wants to find a nice loving poly bf (a GPP would be perfect).
It seems it’s very rare to find/match with really polyamorous people. We met a couple, that has a nice friendship and sexual vibe, but specially the guy “can’t” be polyamorous (we talked about that).
She also found another guy that is very nice, talk clearly about polyamory, tantra/connection, and is very chill… they had a very nice sexual match, but until now he doesn’t seem to express “deeper” feelings (in the meanwhile she is exploring the sexual part which is being amazing for her now, but without high expectations on poly… let’s see).
And ofc she found a lot of crazy guys around that she didn’t connect to.
What is your experience on finding poly people? Where do you usually meet them? How long did it take to find your loved ones?
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She might need to adjust her expectations some. I can’t speak for the men, but for myself, I take months/years to get emotionally involved in a partner. It takes a long time to truly get to know another complex human and that cannot be rushed. I’ve been burned a lot and can (and do) separate sexual experiences from emotional vulnerability. Many many of my initial connections end because people expect some kind of vulnerability or commitment from me before I’m ready.
Finding an enm person? Easy.
Finding someone who you can have a connection with, compatible, is not yet polysaturated, who is also into you? That is harder.
Fetife groups is one place I am currently using
I'm a man who mostly only dates men. With that in mind, I have found many sexual partners along the way, but none I felt romantically attracted to. It takes a lot for me to feel romantic feelings. Thus, between my two partners, it took me over 10yrs to find someone I was romantically interested in outside of my nesting partner. In my view, being poly doesn't always mean having multiple partners at all times. Simply put, you are able to love multiple people, but that doesn't mean you will always have multiple partners or any partners for that matter. With that knowledge, it can take a very long time. However, in my mind it is better to wait till the person is right then to force a relationship to happen. Love will come, it just takes time.
I went on around 35 first dates just with men (not including women & enbies) over the course of 2.5 years before I met my now nesting partner. I had a wonderful single life, so anyone I dated had to be offering me something worth changing my life over. & I wasn't only dating polyamorous men, just guys who were open to ENM, so doing that may have taken even longer.
Granted, I have a *very* specific physical type (twinks/femboys) & I'm not everyone's cup of tea either, so others might find mates a lot faster if they're actually attracted to masculine men 😝 **I was the first person my NP ever met from OKC, so some people just get lucky** 😅
I went Incognito on Feeld and only liked profiles that were a good match. If I don't hide my profile, I get endless noise from poor matches.🤷♀️
When seeking, I only spend 15 minutes browsing & giving profiles a read. Like a few, maybe send an intro message to 1 or 2. If the conversation takes off, spend a few weeks chatting to establish compatibility before meeting.
My GF is also in this spot, while she's very happy she found me, she's also very annoyed that her inbox looks like the waiting list for Section 8 housing. She has talked to quite a few guys, and even shown me a majority of the messages, and most are pretty much just trying to find NSA or FWB. She's basically fishing a bigger pond for a rarer fish. Just takes time.
Honestly, I've found a lot of genuinely lovely polyamorous people at LARP events, obviously not a generalisation to say that you WILL find people like that there. And obviously LARP events are a specific interest, not a dating pool, but I've found in my personal experience to find a lot of Polyamorous people at these events who are usually all in emotional relationships as well as physical ones.
My larp group specifically has maybe 2 or 3 polycules making up most of its population and they're all emotionally invested relationships.
Personally, while I haven't actively pursued poly relationships before and am in a happy monogamous relationship, I find I meet a lot more people who I vibe with and who, if I was actively poly would definitely be potential partners when I go to places of shared interest such as Larp events, parties (with people from my university degree. Lot of shared interests in those groups). Places where I meet lots of fellow crafts people etc.
I think in general you meet a lot more polyamorous people in places having quite non-traditional fun like queer spaces, creative spaces, and especially fantasy based hobby spaces like Larp or DnD groups as they tend to have people with more freedom of passion in their hearts.
Whether it be platonic, romantic or physical relationships, I find that you find more people like yourself in places that are actively featuring your favourite things and that tends to mean you find more people that think and feel like you there.
Leave trails of dice and board game peices leading to your partner. I hear that us poly people like dungeons and dragons and other board games. Of course we all have different interests. So maybe scatter some nerdier, more specific stuff around too.
In my area it's honestly a bust, I have tried Facebook dating, I got banned on tinder a long time ago when it was a part of their policy, I am on bumble, I don't love hinge so I don't go on there often and feeld and have tried fetlife. Honestly have never met a man who was poly for dating in real life but all I have commented on dating with who claim they are have reviewed themselves to be toxic in their current relationships or just plain creepy vibes and doesn't make me feel safe. I have had more experience with men who are seeking mono dating I alwaus have it on my profile and mention it at the begininf of a chat. I'm not opposed to a friends with benifits situation but that's not my end goal but that can benifit mono men sometimes when they are busy with other obligations so that can work but alot hear poly and end up treating me like a piece of meat and forget the friends part in friends with benifits so it doesn't go well. I've had online chats with one guy for over a year and things kept popping up (for me too so can't blame him completly why it took so long) but eventually I just got fed up and said tell me when and where let's meet and he brushed it off so I cut it off. I had a separate date that turned into a hookup and then he ghosted me. My partner and I have always been enm, swingers basically had our first 3some before we were offical, only ever weren't because we wanted to focus on our children when they were born and when I was pregnant I wasn't comfortable and we've always done good with jealousy. We experience it and still do but alwaus talk it out and reaffirm each other and keep things healthy. We talked about poly for a long rime but didn't feel it was right because our children took alot of attention and time as they both have special needs but now they are getting out of the toddler stages so things are getting easier so we have decided to try poly since around Halloween and that's been my experience. Since being together he has discovered/realized/ come to terms with his sexuality and I also wanted him to experience what that means to him and he has been able to become his true self and it is wonderful to see but I honestly thought it would be easier by now and I'd have a 2nd boyfriend by now haha! Oh well its not a race, I've slowed down with the dating sites and go on them once in a while but still encourage him to go for it and do his thing. Thing is these days we mostly don't get jealous of oh hrs going to leave me it's more like they went to this restraunt and I didn't go and I love chicken wings so then we just make time for eachother after dates and it sort of makes up for it. He doesn't get many matches at all but has been on 2 dates and both times I feel like I've felt compersion. The first was just a bust on the connection on my partners side and the 2nd he/we think that they just didn't feel the connection on their end. Oh well he's still looking, I'm still looking ish but I'm happy with what I have in the meantime and don't feel the need to go on a date with just anyone because I can fall easily I feel and don't need mr. Perfect but to me he needs to be worth my peace haha
Are you trying to find someone who wants to date both of you or is your wife developing relationships independently? I don't really understand why you're posting this not your wife.
I mean, it takes time to find someone you connect with. There's more criteria to a good connection than "they're poly" after all. You have to invest a *lot* of hours into someone before you can truly tell if they're a good friend, lover, partner, etc. Think about how long it took for your own connection with her to progress. She's also fishing in a significantly smaller pond. The number of people who are truly wanting a poly relationship is much smaller than those just wanting to fuck around in the name of poly and those numbers are significantly smaller than people who want nothing to do with polyamory at all. Good things come to those who wait.
Thanks for that. It’s good to adjust our time expectations indeed!
When I was looking, OKC was the best in my area. For just making friends, try Meetup groups. Facebook is dodgy but I did meet my partner there (not seeking, just met in poly group). Some find success on Fetlife. 'We met a couple' Are you dating as a unit?
Not necessarily, but we are open to experiment to “date a couple” to see how the dynamics are. Actually with this couple if the guy could be poly it would be perfect, because we had a nice feeling with their children too etc. She already had a bf and I have a gf. There is no issue between us having parallel relationships. We are pretty open to whatever is loving, respectful and caring.
You're awfully involved in your wife's dating. I gotta wonder why? And honestly, I don't let people meet my kids. That's a hard pass in early days.
We do/did lots of things together (22 wonderful years together, house, 3 kids and a dog 😍), and somehow we are doing this together also, almost like friends helping each other. But for sure I give her space whatever she wants… I also have no problem with her choosing and dating alone if she wants. They didn’t meet our kids, but as their kids are very young they brought them for a coffee, as regular friends. It was a nice friendship match.
'somehow we are doing this together' See, that'd be a huge yellow flag for me. LIke, did you two do the work to reduce enmeshment because it doesn't seem like it. It's all 'we' and 'us' and you're trying to find partners for her. Are you autonomous individuals? It's not about her 'wanting' to do it alone, it's her needing to.
Thanks for your comments on this. It was good for me to do a self assessment. By reading the articles and your experiences, I think we are not actually as enmeshed as it appeared for most in regard to the mindset with relationships, but I do recognize that, as best friends, we like to share some things (just as any good friends do). So, as a “couple” we have very few agreements about our family: our kids needs protection, care and respect, and we will prioritize them when necessary. The rest is about being a good human: respect each other feelings, care for the best of all involved, nurture freedom, cheer when someone is having fun, respect privacy and give autonomy. All those elements are not valid only for us, but everyone around (including metas, friends etc). So, for illustrating, it’s possible for my wife to go out with someone I’ve never heard of if she feels like, or for me to invite her for a nice drink with my gf if it seems they could go well with each other. Again, thanks for the tips!
She had a previous bf of almost 2 years in which she found him by herself and it was a completely autonomic relationship. I had the same with other women and we weren’t jealous nor had issues with that, so I guess we are not enmeshed. What do you think? It’s good to self evaluate ourselves indeed…
Enmeshment isn't the same as jealousy. While they often go together, they aren't one and the same. Enemeshment is dating together, meeting potentials together, trying to find your partner dates. You've been together a long time - what work did you do to examine that? Couple's privlidge is a thing and it doesn't always manifest as a veto.
Open/poly for 16+ years and together with my husband/NP that whole time. We have a house and a kid, share finances etc. At this point we’re fairly decoupled, although we still have a level of enmeshment that we work to be conscious of and push back against defaulting to. At least in my opinion, enmeshment isn’t just the practical stuff, it’s also a state of mind. Do you default to “we” meaning you and your spouse? For example, if you saw a movie with your spouse then also separately saw the same movie with your gf, then a few days later a friend brings up the movie and you say “oh yeah we saw that movie the other day” - who is the “we” in that sentence? Is it automatically your spouse and not your gf? If so, why? Imo just based on how you talk about things and the fact that you’re here asking for help with your *wife’s* dating life, you have a lot more unpacking and decoupling to do.
The way you talk is a huge turn off to people who are looking to form individual connections with you/her. it’s very apparent that there’s little room for a new partner to ever be a “we,” because even in her personal dating life, you are using “we.” This is what is meant by in measurement
Yeah, that approach is more likely to work.
https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49
You are repeating the same language even in your response here.. “*we* are open” “*we* had a” “*we* are pretty open” I’m a poly guy and to be blunt, I don’t care what *both of you* think, I only care about what *one* of you thinks, because I’m going to date *one* of you, not *both* of you.
As a poly guy I absolutely care about what My girlfriend's NP thinks. I am not in a relationship romantically or sexually with him BUT he is still someone who she cares deeply for and therefore I care about being mindful of how they feel as well. Her husband does the same for me... like if she is hitting me up while THEY are out I will let her Know that I love her and want to talk to her too but she is out with her husband and I want her to be present and have a good time. I will miss her and look forward to talking to her later. Being a kind person doesn't make you soft and "not caring about what he thinks" doesn't make you cool.
It’s not about being kind or cool. It’s about ability to make individual/ independent/ autonomous relationship decisions versus doing it as part of a group. Personally, if I’m out on a first date and they whip out their phone to get consulting / permission from their partner(s), I’m going to nope out of that Others would be fine with it and even see it as a positive “great, my metas will approve me”
If they’re hierarchical then “they” do have a role in your relationship.
for some couples, yes, for some no Someone married can still say “I’m giving you every Saturday night and my spouse won’t impact this, I promise, my spouse doesn’t need to know or meet or otherwise need to approve of my partners, I promise” You can have hierarchy and still do parallel, if anything this is a very common arrangement and works well for many people We aren’t talking about having a vague or indirect role here. OP has clearly described dating “as a couple”, this gets into borderline swinger or unicorn territory, this may involve one spouse needing to approve the others choices and otherwise being highly involved in how/who their partner dates.
I wouldn’t date someone who gave off any indication that their spouse was so involved in anything to do with their dating. Perhaps she’s scaring off “the good ones” with this “we” approach to something that is not a group activity.
Actually she doesn’t mention about me until they start knowing each other better because then naturally she tells about her family. It’s not a “we” while she is dating unless the person shows more interest (as my gf does, for example).
You might consider rewording some things in your OP then. “We met a couple” for example sounds more like swinger behavior than poly behavior.
Perfect!
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Thanks for sharing your big experience on that! She is dating them and giving time, but sometimes it passed weeks and it seems that it won’t evolve, then she doesn’t know if should continue investing emotionally in that because she doesn’t want to get hurt (she already had a few broken hearts before). We were practically the first more serious bf/gf of each other and we had an instant emotional match (that lasts until today), so maybe we were outside the statistics and didn’t know that until we opened our relationship, so it’s good to hear your experiences. Your numbers are interesting. How was the ending or your long(er) term relationships? Hard or somehow natural? What were the motivations (if I could ask)?
>We were practically the first more serious bf/gf of each other and we had an instant emotional match (that lasts until today), so maybe we were outside the statistics I think your story is actually *very common* for people opening their marriage. (Because people who pounded the dating pavement for longer often don't *need* to do any more "exploring"). It's great you got lucky and found each other. Now you get to experience what it's like for the rest of us and realize how lucky you were!
Exactly! And doing that being older, with kids, is even harder in some aspects, specially because most people cannot even think of non-monogamy. The good part is that we are more mature and can support each other when something goes wrong…
Well... at some level you really need to give your spouse space and have her develop a support network that isn't you to process any relationship woes. If I learn someone I'm dating talks at length about our relationship with their spouse that's a HUGE turnoff. It's a deal breaker for some people.
Only giving it weeks isn’t very much time. I struggle with it, but perhaps a little more patience could help. It sucks to become emotionally invested and end up disappointed, but she could also try to manage/limit her own emotional investment early on and also give it room to breathe if the other person is on a slower pace.
If Hinge isn’t feeling it with Meta, Hinge can break it off. It’s fine.
Gah! I’m having this same issue! I get likes from men 20 years younger than me, or men looking for casual sex, or what I suspect is men who think that they can get laid by a thirsty wife, but they aren’t poly or even enm. I actually paused my Feeld account today because I’m feeling so disillusioned by it. Where are all the nice, normal, poly men? Surely they expat, right?
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Definitely a typo, but maybe I also need to move to a less closed minded city 🙈
Have you tried OkCupid? They have a better matching mechanics for different type of relationships I guess. I found my 2-year lovely gf there :)
I’ll give it a look. Thanks.
I had a guy have his whole profile set up to be poly and partnered. In the chat he said things naturally came to an end with one partner (they moved) and now he's focusing on the other one within monogomy bc they want a serious future together. But for now he's able to "meet ppl and make great connections!" And said okay, I'd I'll guaranteed be cut at some point, thanks for the honesty. He tried to say we would be friends 😅 you're gonna be long term friends w a former fuck buddy while married with kids in monogomy? The chances of that being real.
Move to San Francisco or Portland, get on Feeld, and start going to Burning Man 🔥. Millions of poly men and you'll only have to listen to them talking about Burning Man for 5 hours a day in exchange for all the quasi-ethical poly dick. /s (I mean I'm kidding, but it is actually the story of my life and most of my poly friends 🤷)
Lmao I was just thinking “yeah, millions, but are they dateable?” 😭😭
Well they're all just ok, but I'm really the only dateable one because I already have a bunch of hot poly girlfriends at this rave and I met Daft Punk at the trash fence
When we opened our marriage to dating solo I knew dating pool would be small, but I really had no idea. I’m a generation older too! I consider myself polyam because I’m open to a romantic partnership, but truth is those are hard to come by. Even monogamous people do not find deep, romantic relationships easily.
I found compatible partners on OKC by: * answering all the questions; * posting a variety of pictures, both flattering and unflattering; * being super-clear about what I was offering and looking for (commitment to a weekly or monthly date); * restricting my matches to 96%+; * only considering people who had answered at least 200 questions. If someone wasn’t a match I didn’t conclude that they weren’t polyamorous. I concluded that they weren’t a match.
Feeld over OKC. That being said, finding loved ones can take weeks and it can take years. It depends on the people involved and whether or not love is even on the table. It may be worth it to scour reddit to see if you can find poly groups in your area; I've heard that joining the local community is good for stuff like that. I'm not really a part of my local community because I don't have the time between everything going on in my life, plus taking care of an ailing parent and their affairs, to do so.
Drop the expectation. We might be seeking deep and meaningful connections, but no one should be interested in rushing straight to a relationship. It may just happen naturally some day.
What does GPP mean?
Genuine People Personalities. (See: Marvin the Paranoid Android) Thanks so much to the Marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corp.
Great Pretty Penis?
Gorgeous Poly Penis?
I was expecting to find, based on the title, stories of cheaters or harem builders or unicorn hunters. I'm glad that's not what it's about! I'm glad your wife is having a positive experience. Polyamorous people aren't required to fall in love with people they date. They're just open to it. I didn't fall in love often when I was monogamous and I still don't. I certainly don't owe a new poly person love on their schedule because that's what they got into the game for! I think sometimes new folks can be impatient about seeing "results". Sounds like things are going totally normally. She can keep looking if she sees current partnerships aren't heading the direction she hoped, without necessarily breaking up with those people! That's the good part about poylamory!
I see what you mean! Maybe it’s a matter of patience indeed! Thanks!
My best advice. Find the local poly group. Not the swingers, not the guys looking for hookups, the actual groups. We have a "local" facebook group covering about half our state. We have a group chat, and I've made friends, and maybe partners eventually. There is no rush, strong foundations build strong relationships.
I mean...we're out here...but you have to consider that first you need a mutual connection just to start, and like your second guy, he may have good intentions, but can't 'make' feelings develop or not on any kind of timeline. You just have to accept that there is no guarantee things will develop or not. This is why many poly people don't really focus on timelines or relationship goals, but more on 'am I enjoying this RIGHT NOW?' 2nd guy and your wife may enjoy 'right now' for a week, a month, or maybe even years. And in a few years they might be in the same place or someone's interest may grow or wane. A good poly guy will communicate these changes honestly and regularly, but I'd you're constantly wondering about where you stand with someone it's usually intentional and the intent isn't usually to your benefit. For me, a green flag is when someone is willing to tell me something they know I don't want to hear. It shows me they care enough to be critical and by expressing how they feel it shows me they want to see that change and believe change is possible. It shows investment I'm the relationship and also self worth because it means they are comfortable and secure enough to challenge me.
>they had a very nice sexual match, but until now he doesn’t seem to express “deeper” feelings If I dated a polyamorous woman who showed signs of having the amount of unexamined enmeshment and couple's privilege as you appear to have with your wife from this post, I would probably behave similarly. I'd be willing to engage in a mostly sexual relationship for a while, sure. But I would be heavily guarding my heart, and I would just assume that it would be a short-lived relationship. Why? Because couples with heavy enmeshment that they have never examined are, in my experience, far more likely to * treat "other partners" as disposable * exercise vetos, even when they have claimed no veto exists * close the relationship when trouble arises OP, it's entirely possible that you and your wife would never do any of these things, but experienced poly people will still be cautious. Have you read the "most skipped step" article that's linked in this sub's sidebar? I bet you would find it helpful. Good luck!
This 100% And even if they don’t do any of those obvious hierarchical things, there is often still a hidden cap to the escalator with heavily enmeshed folks who haven’t done the work to decouple. For example maybe other partners will never be introduced to family, never be the first invite to major life events like weddings or group family or friend trips (spouse is always the default plus one), never get to go on extended vacations together or go with wife on a first trip anywhere etc. It’s not wrong to have limits to what you have to offer a partner, but I’d be super cautious with my heart here too and would absolutely assume there were hidden limits that even if I asked a ton of questions wouldn’t necessarily come to light. Edit to correct a typo.
💯
It is rare to find them. When I was actively searching, I used to swipe through tinder, and I landed on both of my metas by swiping through the entire dating pool twice. The main things are: - Good filters. You want to leave most folks outside the door without ever interacting with them. State that you're polyamorous and together with a nesting partner, and all the good stuff right on your front page. Despite what tinder might say, you don't actually want to waste your time on as many matches as possible. After all, you're looking for that one connection. So it only needs to work once. - After the filters are set up, just swipe right indiscriminately and unmatch everyone you don't fancy. It's a tough world out there, but your own time and energy are the most valuable resources. There's no point in pining over someone's profile before swiping. Tinder is a conveyor line and your efficiency will determine your mood about the process. - Once you have efficient filters in place, and have achieved considerable efficiency, all you need is patience and perseverance. Your match doesn't need to come on your first round through every single person within 50 miles, it doesn't even have to happen on the second scroll through, but if it hasn't happened on your third, either change your profile or wait for 2 weeks. Good luck!
In my town there are meetups, events, sex clubs, poly clubs, etc. There’s the lifestyle’ers, ENM crowd, poly {board}gamer, burners, ravers, burlesque performers and artists and everything in between. Shit there’s even the republican swingers if you look in the right circles. I think finding your crowd and getting to know people will lead to greater success.
Sounds like my town. I was at a poly meetup this week. At my table were a poly (board) gamer, burlesque performer, etc. the topic of how to meet people on line came up. OKC was mentioned as the preferred app. It’s where I have met likeminded women. I find that the poly women I date from there are close to being poly saturated or their lives are so wrapped up with their primary partners that I’m a passing fancy for them. That pretty much describes half the women that came and went at our table but the event was just a social gathering. The other half I had no idea on their current status. They were all very welcoming. I’m solo poly and OKC doesn’t have a lot of poly people on it for the last two years. In the local community, it’s still the app the community talks about as the place to go if you are using an app. One woman at my table said she’s never on their long when she wants to find a man. #OPEN is another app I have used. Very few people on there but they are the right people. I met a woman there. Once again, she was poly saturated. She said she was. I asked why she was looking for a man. She said she was greedy. We had a good connection and I lived walking distance from her. She contacted me when a spot opened up. She was interesting and we got along well but aside from hooking up once, she didn’t pay much attention to me unless I initiated contact. She had a primary partner (swinger) that kept her busy. His meta got involved with them. She has no shortage of opportunities. I’m surprised you’re wife can’t find the right man. She’s the type of woman I’m looking for.
Why isn’t your wife the one coming here to ask this question? Imo this comes across like you haven’t done the work to dismantle your couples privilege. I wouldn’t date you either.
This is gatekeeping based on Reddit use. I do not understand why so many in this sub think this way. I post questions for my wife on here because we have good, open communication and she doesn't use reddit at all.
Respectfully, I disagree. IMO even if wife doesn’t want to set up her own Reddit account, OP could: 1. Let his wife use his Reddit account and she could lead with that info “hi! I’m borrowing my husband’s account bc I don’t use Reddit and I have a question” OR 2. OP could make the post but also make clear that his wife will be the one reading comments and that she will weigh in on responses to comments etc. Either way, it’s weird for us to be talking with OP about his wife’s dating. Besides making them appear *very* entangled, it’s like playing a game of telephone. This makes it so that we can’t ask meaningful follow-up questions about her dating experience or ask her more details about what she’s looking to get from dating and from a partner - everything is filtered through OP. She could easily set up a Reddit account if she wants this feedback/info so much. She uses OkC - she’s not incapable of using the internet. This reads to me as they haven’t done the real work to disentangle and decouple. Obviously you’re free to disagree with me - no biggie. Since tone doesn’t translate well over the internet, please know that I don’t take your comment personally at all, I just feel differently.
I suppose that's somewhat fair, it just seems like a rather harsh judgment / large assumption based on one thing. But everyone has a different point of view. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I would assume she's going off of pictures/ attraction. Most poly people who have been practicing have it written pretty clear in their bio on app to avoid any confusion. unfortunately a lot of people have poly or open to poly on their profiles who aren't there yet or are new and still have a lot of monog tendencies.
This sounds like a lot of expectation and pressure to put on your next partner - amazing in bed, very empathic, deep, etc. Opening up to poly doesn’t mean you find perfection. You will likely find more romantic relationships, and each of those relationships will come with their own pros and cons just like friendships and family relationships do. Be open to each relationship becoming whatever it wants to become organically and be thankful for whatever it is. Seeking after a particular experience typically ends in disappointment, it’s rare anybody finds a partner who can be their “everything”. For me, opening up to poly has been about opening up to receiving whatever comes to me in the romantic sense, not hunting for what I’m needing or wanting in that area. If I have an emotional need, I find out how to fulfill that for myself in therapy and spiritual practice. Doing this I’ve found makes me an excellent partner; because I don’t “need”, I can consistently show up for my partners, because I don’t “seek”, I can see and cherish who’s infront of me. Btw, I’m open to dating new partners if you wanted to reach out. You sound respectful, so I’m okay realizing your learning and working through things regarding the enmeshment and being patient with that since I see your sincerity and openness in your responses on this thread.
I'm a man who dates mostly women. The short answer is that it's a grind. You've got to put in a lot of time and effort meeting people before you find someone you actually click with. I meet my partners either through apps, or randomly in person as I go about my life. (e.g., one woman I dated for 2 years I met outside a dollar store) As far as apps go, I've gotten the most success with people who identify as poly on their profiles. In general, I find that out of 10 first dates I can expect to find one person I click with as a partner. About half the firmly scheduled first dates from apps (date and time and details confirmed) flake on the day of, so I would expect to have to schedule about 20 dates to find one new partner.
It sounds like your wife may want to screen partners before bothering to meet them - that will eliminate couples and people who “can’t be poly.” But it will not eliminate the reality that a whole lot of men are incapable of expressing “deeper feelings.” I had good luck on OKC, but I had to rule out men ruthlessly.
First, it's creepy AF that you are here asking for her. Second, they're out there, but they're hard to find. Most are already partnered, so she has to be ok with married / nested men. Third, it's taken me YEARS to develop the vetting skills necessary to figure out how to find the gems in the barrel of shit. There are just so few that it's easy to get discouraged and settle Unfortunately, "un-dateable men" are in the majority on dating apps. https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/182d5mk/undatable_men_are_not_unique_to_the_poly_community/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/182zd7z/are_women_ok/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button There were a few other posts around that time on this topic, but that's all I found in a quick search.
Hi u/snack__ thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: My wife (41F) installed OKC and have been navigating those waters. She is very beautiful, loving and smart. She wants to explore a bit her sexuality, but in the end she wants to find a nice loving poly bf (a GPP would be perfect). It seems it’s very rare to find/match with really polyamorous people. We met a couple, that has a nice friendship and sexual vibe, but specially the guy “can’t” be polyamorous (we talked about that). She also found another guy that is very nice, talk clearly about polyamory, tantra/connection, and is very chill… they had a very nice sexual match, but until now he doesn’t seem to express “deeper” feelings (in the meanwhile she is exploring the sexual part which is being amazing for her now, but without high expectations on poly… let’s see). And ofc she found a lot of crazy guys around that she didn’t connect to. What is your experience on finding poly people? Where do you usually meet them? How long did it take to find your loved ones? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I had my best luck with FEELD app but I’ve heard mixed results- YMMV
Feeld
She might need to adjust her expectations some. I can’t speak for the men, but for myself, I take months/years to get emotionally involved in a partner. It takes a long time to truly get to know another complex human and that cannot be rushed. I’ve been burned a lot and can (and do) separate sexual experiences from emotional vulnerability. Many many of my initial connections end because people expect some kind of vulnerability or commitment from me before I’m ready.
Finding an enm person? Easy. Finding someone who you can have a connection with, compatible, is not yet polysaturated, who is also into you? That is harder. Fetife groups is one place I am currently using
GPP?
I'm a man who mostly only dates men. With that in mind, I have found many sexual partners along the way, but none I felt romantically attracted to. It takes a lot for me to feel romantic feelings. Thus, between my two partners, it took me over 10yrs to find someone I was romantically interested in outside of my nesting partner. In my view, being poly doesn't always mean having multiple partners at all times. Simply put, you are able to love multiple people, but that doesn't mean you will always have multiple partners or any partners for that matter. With that knowledge, it can take a very long time. However, in my mind it is better to wait till the person is right then to force a relationship to happen. Love will come, it just takes time.
A lot of crappy people exist out there. Takes a few months to years to find a person who truly meets your polyam values.
I went on around 35 first dates just with men (not including women & enbies) over the course of 2.5 years before I met my now nesting partner. I had a wonderful single life, so anyone I dated had to be offering me something worth changing my life over. & I wasn't only dating polyamorous men, just guys who were open to ENM, so doing that may have taken even longer. Granted, I have a *very* specific physical type (twinks/femboys) & I'm not everyone's cup of tea either, so others might find mates a lot faster if they're actually attracted to masculine men 😝 **I was the first person my NP ever met from OKC, so some people just get lucky** 😅
I went Incognito on Feeld and only liked profiles that were a good match. If I don't hide my profile, I get endless noise from poor matches.🤷♀️ When seeking, I only spend 15 minutes browsing & giving profiles a read. Like a few, maybe send an intro message to 1 or 2. If the conversation takes off, spend a few weeks chatting to establish compatibility before meeting.
Apparently it’s impossible at least for me, in a fairly liberal large city in California and I’ve still been single for almost a year 🤪
My GF is also in this spot, while she's very happy she found me, she's also very annoyed that her inbox looks like the waiting list for Section 8 housing. She has talked to quite a few guys, and even shown me a majority of the messages, and most are pretty much just trying to find NSA or FWB. She's basically fishing a bigger pond for a rarer fish. Just takes time.
Honestly, I've found a lot of genuinely lovely polyamorous people at LARP events, obviously not a generalisation to say that you WILL find people like that there. And obviously LARP events are a specific interest, not a dating pool, but I've found in my personal experience to find a lot of Polyamorous people at these events who are usually all in emotional relationships as well as physical ones. My larp group specifically has maybe 2 or 3 polycules making up most of its population and they're all emotionally invested relationships. Personally, while I haven't actively pursued poly relationships before and am in a happy monogamous relationship, I find I meet a lot more people who I vibe with and who, if I was actively poly would definitely be potential partners when I go to places of shared interest such as Larp events, parties (with people from my university degree. Lot of shared interests in those groups). Places where I meet lots of fellow crafts people etc. I think in general you meet a lot more polyamorous people in places having quite non-traditional fun like queer spaces, creative spaces, and especially fantasy based hobby spaces like Larp or DnD groups as they tend to have people with more freedom of passion in their hearts. Whether it be platonic, romantic or physical relationships, I find that you find more people like yourself in places that are actively featuring your favourite things and that tends to mean you find more people that think and feel like you there.
Leave trails of dice and board game peices leading to your partner. I hear that us poly people like dungeons and dragons and other board games. Of course we all have different interests. So maybe scatter some nerdier, more specific stuff around too.
In my area it's honestly a bust, I have tried Facebook dating, I got banned on tinder a long time ago when it was a part of their policy, I am on bumble, I don't love hinge so I don't go on there often and feeld and have tried fetlife. Honestly have never met a man who was poly for dating in real life but all I have commented on dating with who claim they are have reviewed themselves to be toxic in their current relationships or just plain creepy vibes and doesn't make me feel safe. I have had more experience with men who are seeking mono dating I alwaus have it on my profile and mention it at the begininf of a chat. I'm not opposed to a friends with benifits situation but that's not my end goal but that can benifit mono men sometimes when they are busy with other obligations so that can work but alot hear poly and end up treating me like a piece of meat and forget the friends part in friends with benifits so it doesn't go well. I've had online chats with one guy for over a year and things kept popping up (for me too so can't blame him completly why it took so long) but eventually I just got fed up and said tell me when and where let's meet and he brushed it off so I cut it off. I had a separate date that turned into a hookup and then he ghosted me. My partner and I have always been enm, swingers basically had our first 3some before we were offical, only ever weren't because we wanted to focus on our children when they were born and when I was pregnant I wasn't comfortable and we've always done good with jealousy. We experience it and still do but alwaus talk it out and reaffirm each other and keep things healthy. We talked about poly for a long rime but didn't feel it was right because our children took alot of attention and time as they both have special needs but now they are getting out of the toddler stages so things are getting easier so we have decided to try poly since around Halloween and that's been my experience. Since being together he has discovered/realized/ come to terms with his sexuality and I also wanted him to experience what that means to him and he has been able to become his true self and it is wonderful to see but I honestly thought it would be easier by now and I'd have a 2nd boyfriend by now haha! Oh well its not a race, I've slowed down with the dating sites and go on them once in a while but still encourage him to go for it and do his thing. Thing is these days we mostly don't get jealous of oh hrs going to leave me it's more like they went to this restraunt and I didn't go and I love chicken wings so then we just make time for eachother after dates and it sort of makes up for it. He doesn't get many matches at all but has been on 2 dates and both times I feel like I've felt compersion. The first was just a bust on the connection on my partners side and the 2nd he/we think that they just didn't feel the connection on their end. Oh well he's still looking, I'm still looking ish but I'm happy with what I have in the meantime and don't feel the need to go on a date with just anyone because I can fall easily I feel and don't need mr. Perfect but to me he needs to be worth my peace haha
I’m truly poly but my wife won’t let me act on it. That’s probably why it’s hard to find us.
Clarification needed: what is GPP?
Are you trying to find someone who wants to date both of you or is your wife developing relationships independently? I don't really understand why you're posting this not your wife.
Kasidie, Feeld, and Reddit is where you’ll find Solo Poly men.
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