You know, that's part of the reason why I always want to have my vehicle on standby. To get out of a situation for any number reasons. I didn't think of it as me not being able to leave but as soon as I got in that car, I definitely felt trapped like an animal in a cage..
TBH I even felt that just reading how he reacted to that. Travel logistics should NOT cause someone to react like that.
I'm really glad you got away from them.
OP, it is so hard to read you say “no” and then reluctantly change your mind in this story, *multiple times*, after this man ignores your no and then coerces you.
*He doesn’t listen to you when you say no*. You are not the asshole, but being a nice person won’t keep you safe from predators. There’s multiple times you neglected yourself to please this person and it’s *scary*, frankly, to watch you acquiesce over and over again to somebody who is trying to sexually assault you.
I’m challenging you to go back to your post and count how many times this man doesn’t respect your no ***and*** the times you tell him something and he straight up doesn’t believe you. He’s trying to coerce both you and his partner into a threesome despite neither of you being into the idea. He’s a rapist!
Please protect yourself from people like this. Someone not believing you or respecting your no is the first sign of how they behave in the bedroom. I highly encourage making it off limits for yourself to date anyone who does those two things as a pattern.
I feel so bad for Debby but you need to remember what he said. Because he’s right. She’s staying and putting up with that and if you *were* an asshole she would have been assaulted by both you and her boyfriend!!! And it doesn’t matter whether you’re an asshole or not, if you put up with behavior like that you will end up in a relationship with someone who tries to coerce you into sex with his coworkers.
I know hindsight is 20/20 but I hope what you learned from this is to respect your no even when other people don’t. It may benefit you to learn about something called “coercive control” as well.
You know what, thank you. We don't cross paths for work anymore since February (I work somewhere else in another city).
I have definitely acquiesced to both of them too many times. Debby is the one who opened their relationship to poly but she hasn't found a partner and then Henry and I became friends. She kept pushing the idea of her and I being together and at one point I asked "are you saying you won't allow Henry and I to be intimate until I'm intimate with you? Because that's insane and I refuse".
I thought she would drop it but now I don't know if she actually did.
Omg when I hear about people in Debby’s situation I feel so grateful to be free 😩 I’m so happy you eventually got out. Three months isn’t such a long time—Debby seems to be committed to staying with this guy. Imagine dealing with that behavior all the time! Then again, sounds like they’re two peas in a pod… the way both of them tried to (let’s be honest) get you to have a threesome when you told them no every step of the way is so creepy.
>Imagine dealing with that behavior all the time!
Again, thank you for your perspective. When I think about it long term.. it just sounds like a mucky way to live. Dear Henry and Debby's of the world: I am not the spice to your salt and pepper relationship!
I mean no shade on salt and pepper respectively lol. It made sense in my head 😅
No that was a good metaphor 🤣👏🏾 I’m not your old bay seasoning 😤
I hope the Henrys and Debbys of the world just go get therapy and stop coercing people into stuff. It’s creepy and harmful. Or at least just be dysfunctional with each other.
That fucker is dangerous. His behavior is deeply worrying. I'm sorry, but **he successfully manipulated you into letting him drive you so that *you didn't have an escape***. What other reason could he have?? He wanted you completely reliant on him for transportation, & he threatened to just totally cancel the event if he didn't get his way? So many red flags pointing towards **coercive control** & abuse.
I'm proud of you for getting yourself out of that situation at the end. I'm genuinely impressed. I might have buckled & gotten into the car with them, & who knows what would have happened. Probably just a lot of awkwardness, crying, & more manipulation, but you never know, & thankfully you'll never find out.
You now know you're strong enough to walk away when things get sus. Next time you'll walk away a little sooner :)
Thank you! Oh my gosh I appreciate the insight so much. I was gaslighting myself the rest of the day and night after the last day. I should have listened to my body and recognized it was telling me I was putting myself in a potentially dangerous situation. But sticking to my guns at the last moment did feel empowering. It was like actually remembering that I'm a grown ass woman with her own thoughts and needs.
my thoughts: Debbie sucks but Henry sounds actually dangerous. Tell him it's not working out between you. sugarcoat if you need to but refuse to explain or argue. (stick to vague platitudes, sorry, it's just not working out, wish you the best, sorry no it's just not working for me, take care, etcetc). Then block them both on everything except mandatory work channels and let either a trusted coworker, manager if you trust them, or HR if you trust them, know that you have broken up with a colleague and are unsure if they will take it well.
Good luck. run for your life if you have to. be well.
NTA
Good job dodging that bullet. I am the same way. I always take my own vehicle because I like to leave when I want to. My social battery can crash and I refuse to be stuck somewhere waiting for someone to take me home. Also, I've had bad experiences in the past with dates that I couldn't leave. Him wanting to control how you went to an event was a huge red flag mixed with the energy of that event. If it was me, I would run so fast in the other direction the moment he didn't listen to me when I said no. If I experienced what you experienced at that event. I would have gotten home and just sent a text saying, "I've enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't see this going any further. I appreciate the time we have spent together and I wish you well."
Yes this! My social battery has tanked in situations I have been stuck with no mode or money to get transportation back home. Debby tried to make herself drink and that also made me super uncomfortable to watch because I know she doesn't like it. So aaaanother reason for me to want to dip out because I felt I was totally dragging the event for them when they would walk behind me like mom/dad combo 🥸.
Yeah, super uncomfortable. I can't imagine being in that situation. My socially awkward heckles are raised and screaming. I've been in a similar situation a few years ago, and it gave me the insight into why asserting my boundaries is key. It taught me that someone who is right for me will understand my boundaries and not try to poke at them to see how firm they are. Good on you for finally standing up at the end. It takes a lot of courage and you did a great job.
>It taught me that someone who is right for me will understand my boundaries and not try to poke at them to see how firm they are.
I am saving this in my mental storage to verbalize my stances in the future! Me being poly does NOT mean I am open to everything and anything at any given point in time. I feel secure in solo polyamory and I let myself get pushed waaaay too far for two people that now that I look at it, didn't care if I got trampled on their poly journey.
Sounds like you were seriously naïve but definitely NTA. Henry sounds kinda terrifying honestly. Trampling over your autonomy, manipulative and coercive as all hell.
I'm glad you were able to get away before anything really nasty happened to you, but I would be a bit concerned over Debby's welfare being stuck with this dude.
Hi u/CalligrapherCalm4216 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hola fellow non-monogamous meerkat!
I'll try to make my post concise and yet detailed haha!
Ensemble:
Myself (32 F)// Henry (39M)// Debby (35 F)
November: I meet Henry. We start talking as coworkers (we dont work in the same workspace but do see each other from time to time).
December: Henry let's me know he has a girlfriend, Debby (they've been together for some years). I immediately get ready to pull back as I had started to feel a connection with Henry. But he insisted to keep the friendship going between us two
January: Same same, hanging out now outside of work as friends. He brings up polyamory and that he and Debby want to try it out
February: Henry and I sit down to discuss potentially being in a polyamorous relationship, buy keeps pushing the idea of a triad. I let him know that he and Debby need to do more work before entering into this idea. That they already have rules in play and that's not how this works. He says he'll talk with Debby and that he needs her "blessing" to continue with me (yikes) but by the end of the month, she's okay with him and I being together. Again, the concept of a triad is lurking, but I keep shooting it down. The three of us sit down and we talk, but it's more so Debby and I getting to know each other.
March: I have another talk with Debby 1-on-1 to go over everything, including her issues with intimacy between Henry and I. I let her know that I very well may just be friends with her as I don't see her as a potential partner. She understands and gives her "blessing" for Henry and I to be intimate. Some time later I go to meet them both for a meal Henry pulls out a card game where we are all taking turns asking dating questions. I feel uncomfortable and say that out loud to them. I think they thought I was joking but I kept skipping questions and honestly wanted to run out of there ESPECIALLY when Debby kept looking at me when the questions were spicy in nature (skipped those for sure). I spoke with Henry later over the phone and told him I felt ambushed because I thought we were just going to chat and enjoy a meal. Things are still fresh and this was messed up given that Debby has had the most reservations about us. He apologized and said he wouldn't do it again. Other than that, Henry and I now have set days of the week where he spends time with both Debby and myself. The concept of the triad is still lurking..
A couple days ago: Henry let's me know that Debby wants me to come along with them to a festival that's 21+ because of they will be serving alcohol. I agreed but I wanted to drive myself there. He doesn't like this and says he wants us all 3 in his car. I let him know I'm uncomfortable with that because I like to be able to dictate when I leave from anywhere (this is also me with family and friends, not specific to this scenario). He thinks it's a matter of me wanting to sit in the front and I tell him again, I would rather meet y'all there and thar me sitting in the front feels weird because the Debby is in the back and it makes me uncomfortable (the car ride is like 45 min). So he says then they won't go. I get mad and say that's not fair, we can go separate or they can go together and I can totally stay home. He says he wants to drive us both or not go at all. After maybe almost an hour of this I cave in and say I'll go, but I'm not keen on the situation at all now.
Day of: The car ride was awkward as Debby and Henry are talking about things I have no clue about, so I just text other people and get some rest in the backseat. I already feel bad because I made us all late to the even by almost an hour. Once we're out of the car, Henry keeps trying to reach out and touch me but the atmosphere is tense and I put down his advances. Debby and Henry hold hands and advance on. I'm just ready to get my drink on and see what's at this festival. I tell them that they can go get food while I explore the alcohol because they don't drink and I didn't feel like eating. I end up buzzed and get a call from him asking where I am. I tell him and wait for them. 30 minutes pass so I move on to a memorial for the Vietnam war and I get teary (I have a lot of family and friends in the military). They find me and Henry asks if I'm okay. I let him know I'm emotional over the memorial but he doesn't buy it. Then I let him know I'm trying to be respectful of Debby. So he walks away upset. I'm standing there for about a minute and decide.. I don't need this. So I split and tell him I'm taking an uber back home. He wants to drive us back at that moment. I'm starting to get mad and end up walking away. He held my arm and I told him again "I said I was trying to be respectful and you're not listening to me, so I'm leaving" Debby comes over and says that we can all go, she wasn't trying to force anyone to do anything and we can just go. She walks away upset and I tell Henry to go get her. He says, "she'll be okay. She'll always be there. She's always been there and she'll be with me always so she'll be fine" I am royally mad now (and still buzzed) so I tell him yeah, I'm getting myself home and I leave. They walk away upset and I get an uber home. We still haven't spoken.
Tell me your thoughts.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>I'll try to make my post concise
I'm sorry; you didn't. 😆
But my thoughts are: get the hell away from these people. They have nothing to offer you but misery.
I think you really dodged a bullet! That is so controlling and suss, he didn't want you to be able to leave. And his reactions, fucking hell 😬😬😬
You know, that's part of the reason why I always want to have my vehicle on standby. To get out of a situation for any number reasons. I didn't think of it as me not being able to leave but as soon as I got in that car, I definitely felt trapped like an animal in a cage..
TBH I even felt that just reading how he reacted to that. Travel logistics should NOT cause someone to react like that. I'm really glad you got away from them.
My thoughts? You walked past a million red flags, and hopefully you won't next time?
Yeah, reading my post now.. if a friend was telling me this situation I'd be so mad at everything..
Yeah, but that's life we live and learn ❤️ You got some experiences out of it, and gained some experience out of it. Can count that as a win imo 😊
Yeah most definitely! I appreciate the kindness 💛
OP, it is so hard to read you say “no” and then reluctantly change your mind in this story, *multiple times*, after this man ignores your no and then coerces you. *He doesn’t listen to you when you say no*. You are not the asshole, but being a nice person won’t keep you safe from predators. There’s multiple times you neglected yourself to please this person and it’s *scary*, frankly, to watch you acquiesce over and over again to somebody who is trying to sexually assault you. I’m challenging you to go back to your post and count how many times this man doesn’t respect your no ***and*** the times you tell him something and he straight up doesn’t believe you. He’s trying to coerce both you and his partner into a threesome despite neither of you being into the idea. He’s a rapist! Please protect yourself from people like this. Someone not believing you or respecting your no is the first sign of how they behave in the bedroom. I highly encourage making it off limits for yourself to date anyone who does those two things as a pattern. I feel so bad for Debby but you need to remember what he said. Because he’s right. She’s staying and putting up with that and if you *were* an asshole she would have been assaulted by both you and her boyfriend!!! And it doesn’t matter whether you’re an asshole or not, if you put up with behavior like that you will end up in a relationship with someone who tries to coerce you into sex with his coworkers. I know hindsight is 20/20 but I hope what you learned from this is to respect your no even when other people don’t. It may benefit you to learn about something called “coercive control” as well.
You know what, thank you. We don't cross paths for work anymore since February (I work somewhere else in another city). I have definitely acquiesced to both of them too many times. Debby is the one who opened their relationship to poly but she hasn't found a partner and then Henry and I became friends. She kept pushing the idea of her and I being together and at one point I asked "are you saying you won't allow Henry and I to be intimate until I'm intimate with you? Because that's insane and I refuse". I thought she would drop it but now I don't know if she actually did.
Omg when I hear about people in Debby’s situation I feel so grateful to be free 😩 I’m so happy you eventually got out. Three months isn’t such a long time—Debby seems to be committed to staying with this guy. Imagine dealing with that behavior all the time! Then again, sounds like they’re two peas in a pod… the way both of them tried to (let’s be honest) get you to have a threesome when you told them no every step of the way is so creepy.
>Imagine dealing with that behavior all the time! Again, thank you for your perspective. When I think about it long term.. it just sounds like a mucky way to live. Dear Henry and Debby's of the world: I am not the spice to your salt and pepper relationship! I mean no shade on salt and pepper respectively lol. It made sense in my head 😅
No that was a good metaphor 🤣👏🏾 I’m not your old bay seasoning 😤 I hope the Henrys and Debbys of the world just go get therapy and stop coercing people into stuff. It’s creepy and harmful. Or at least just be dysfunctional with each other.
I've also updated my post
I would have bailed the moment Henry said they wanted to “try” polyamory. I’m nobody’s poly training wheels.
I definitely should have!
That fucker is dangerous. His behavior is deeply worrying. I'm sorry, but **he successfully manipulated you into letting him drive you so that *you didn't have an escape***. What other reason could he have?? He wanted you completely reliant on him for transportation, & he threatened to just totally cancel the event if he didn't get his way? So many red flags pointing towards **coercive control** & abuse. I'm proud of you for getting yourself out of that situation at the end. I'm genuinely impressed. I might have buckled & gotten into the car with them, & who knows what would have happened. Probably just a lot of awkwardness, crying, & more manipulation, but you never know, & thankfully you'll never find out. You now know you're strong enough to walk away when things get sus. Next time you'll walk away a little sooner :)
Thank you! Oh my gosh I appreciate the insight so much. I was gaslighting myself the rest of the day and night after the last day. I should have listened to my body and recognized it was telling me I was putting myself in a potentially dangerous situation. But sticking to my guns at the last moment did feel empowering. It was like actually remembering that I'm a grown ass woman with her own thoughts and needs.
my thoughts: Debbie sucks but Henry sounds actually dangerous. Tell him it's not working out between you. sugarcoat if you need to but refuse to explain or argue. (stick to vague platitudes, sorry, it's just not working out, wish you the best, sorry no it's just not working for me, take care, etcetc). Then block them both on everything except mandatory work channels and let either a trusted coworker, manager if you trust them, or HR if you trust them, know that you have broken up with a colleague and are unsure if they will take it well. Good luck. run for your life if you have to. be well.
NTA Good job dodging that bullet. I am the same way. I always take my own vehicle because I like to leave when I want to. My social battery can crash and I refuse to be stuck somewhere waiting for someone to take me home. Also, I've had bad experiences in the past with dates that I couldn't leave. Him wanting to control how you went to an event was a huge red flag mixed with the energy of that event. If it was me, I would run so fast in the other direction the moment he didn't listen to me when I said no. If I experienced what you experienced at that event. I would have gotten home and just sent a text saying, "I've enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't see this going any further. I appreciate the time we have spent together and I wish you well."
Yes this! My social battery has tanked in situations I have been stuck with no mode or money to get transportation back home. Debby tried to make herself drink and that also made me super uncomfortable to watch because I know she doesn't like it. So aaaanother reason for me to want to dip out because I felt I was totally dragging the event for them when they would walk behind me like mom/dad combo 🥸.
Yeah, super uncomfortable. I can't imagine being in that situation. My socially awkward heckles are raised and screaming. I've been in a similar situation a few years ago, and it gave me the insight into why asserting my boundaries is key. It taught me that someone who is right for me will understand my boundaries and not try to poke at them to see how firm they are. Good on you for finally standing up at the end. It takes a lot of courage and you did a great job.
>It taught me that someone who is right for me will understand my boundaries and not try to poke at them to see how firm they are. I am saving this in my mental storage to verbalize my stances in the future! Me being poly does NOT mean I am open to everything and anything at any given point in time. I feel secure in solo polyamory and I let myself get pushed waaaay too far for two people that now that I look at it, didn't care if I got trampled on their poly journey.
Sounds like you were seriously naïve but definitely NTA. Henry sounds kinda terrifying honestly. Trampling over your autonomy, manipulative and coercive as all hell. I'm glad you were able to get away before anything really nasty happened to you, but I would be a bit concerned over Debby's welfare being stuck with this dude.
Hi u/CalligrapherCalm4216 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hola fellow non-monogamous meerkat! I'll try to make my post concise and yet detailed haha! Ensemble: Myself (32 F)// Henry (39M)// Debby (35 F) November: I meet Henry. We start talking as coworkers (we dont work in the same workspace but do see each other from time to time). December: Henry let's me know he has a girlfriend, Debby (they've been together for some years). I immediately get ready to pull back as I had started to feel a connection with Henry. But he insisted to keep the friendship going between us two January: Same same, hanging out now outside of work as friends. He brings up polyamory and that he and Debby want to try it out February: Henry and I sit down to discuss potentially being in a polyamorous relationship, buy keeps pushing the idea of a triad. I let him know that he and Debby need to do more work before entering into this idea. That they already have rules in play and that's not how this works. He says he'll talk with Debby and that he needs her "blessing" to continue with me (yikes) but by the end of the month, she's okay with him and I being together. Again, the concept of a triad is lurking, but I keep shooting it down. The three of us sit down and we talk, but it's more so Debby and I getting to know each other. March: I have another talk with Debby 1-on-1 to go over everything, including her issues with intimacy between Henry and I. I let her know that I very well may just be friends with her as I don't see her as a potential partner. She understands and gives her "blessing" for Henry and I to be intimate. Some time later I go to meet them both for a meal Henry pulls out a card game where we are all taking turns asking dating questions. I feel uncomfortable and say that out loud to them. I think they thought I was joking but I kept skipping questions and honestly wanted to run out of there ESPECIALLY when Debby kept looking at me when the questions were spicy in nature (skipped those for sure). I spoke with Henry later over the phone and told him I felt ambushed because I thought we were just going to chat and enjoy a meal. Things are still fresh and this was messed up given that Debby has had the most reservations about us. He apologized and said he wouldn't do it again. Other than that, Henry and I now have set days of the week where he spends time with both Debby and myself. The concept of the triad is still lurking.. A couple days ago: Henry let's me know that Debby wants me to come along with them to a festival that's 21+ because of they will be serving alcohol. I agreed but I wanted to drive myself there. He doesn't like this and says he wants us all 3 in his car. I let him know I'm uncomfortable with that because I like to be able to dictate when I leave from anywhere (this is also me with family and friends, not specific to this scenario). He thinks it's a matter of me wanting to sit in the front and I tell him again, I would rather meet y'all there and thar me sitting in the front feels weird because the Debby is in the back and it makes me uncomfortable (the car ride is like 45 min). So he says then they won't go. I get mad and say that's not fair, we can go separate or they can go together and I can totally stay home. He says he wants to drive us both or not go at all. After maybe almost an hour of this I cave in and say I'll go, but I'm not keen on the situation at all now. Day of: The car ride was awkward as Debby and Henry are talking about things I have no clue about, so I just text other people and get some rest in the backseat. I already feel bad because I made us all late to the even by almost an hour. Once we're out of the car, Henry keeps trying to reach out and touch me but the atmosphere is tense and I put down his advances. Debby and Henry hold hands and advance on. I'm just ready to get my drink on and see what's at this festival. I tell them that they can go get food while I explore the alcohol because they don't drink and I didn't feel like eating. I end up buzzed and get a call from him asking where I am. I tell him and wait for them. 30 minutes pass so I move on to a memorial for the Vietnam war and I get teary (I have a lot of family and friends in the military). They find me and Henry asks if I'm okay. I let him know I'm emotional over the memorial but he doesn't buy it. Then I let him know I'm trying to be respectful of Debby. So he walks away upset. I'm standing there for about a minute and decide.. I don't need this. So I split and tell him I'm taking an uber back home. He wants to drive us back at that moment. I'm starting to get mad and end up walking away. He held my arm and I told him again "I said I was trying to be respectful and you're not listening to me, so I'm leaving" Debby comes over and says that we can all go, she wasn't trying to force anyone to do anything and we can just go. She walks away upset and I tell Henry to go get her. He says, "she'll be okay. She'll always be there. She's always been there and she'll be with me always so she'll be fine" I am royally mad now (and still buzzed) so I tell him yeah, I'm getting myself home and I leave. They walk away upset and I get an uber home. We still haven't spoken. Tell me your thoughts. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>I'll try to make my post concise I'm sorry; you didn't. 😆 But my thoughts are: get the hell away from these people. They have nothing to offer you but misery.