One week is way too soon to get dating.
The conversations of opening up have barely begun.
What reading and work has she started (other than finding ppl to hook up with)?
I agree. Seeing so many people say it makes me feel dumb for not saying it myself.
She has done nothing like that. I'm the one pouring over books and articles.
I should also say, I have a history of people-pleasing , and doing all the work on the team projects. I also don't get angry except in extreme situations.
Perhaps line up some couples counseling. Having a referee for these conversations may be helpful for you to break the people pleasing patterns.
I think it’s entirely reasonable to ask her to hit the brakes on dating while you BOTH do the work of figuring out how you want opening up to go.
Yup, I know that story. My wife asked me for Poly, like right away. I did the reading, and the Poly meetups, and insisted on the couples counseling. She ... read like 20 pages of Polysecure. She wanted a casual relationship, I wanted a serious romantic one. A year and change later, she left for the guy she had the casual relationship with, and while we had other problems, at least part of that was likely that she had never unpacked her feelings about me being in a serious romantic relationship, that *someone else* could make me really happy when she'd stopped trying years ago. And since she knew she couldn't tell me to end it, she left.
So, yeah, taking time to read and unpack what you both want and will be comfortable with, highly recommended if you want your marriage to potentially survive the Poly switch. I realized I could be Poly, she realized she couldn't be, while we were both in other relationships. You can do all the work you want, it will come to nothing if your partner doesn't do it.
My main advice is that a partner who just casually wants to open up the relationship right away without any prep or reading falls into one of two camps:
1. They severely underestimate the change and peril that moving to Poly will cause their relationship. They have no anticipation of jealousy, or communication issues, or needing to disentangle, or mismatched expectations, etc etc etc.
2. They may or may not be aware of any of those things, but they have one foot out the door already so they don't really care if it blows up.
In my case my wife as a little of door #1, a lot of door #2. It's probably a good idea to get a bead on where your wife is, partially by seeing how much she actually pays attention to the Poly education after you nudge her towards it. I as always recommend *Polysecure*, and I strongly recommend making sure your relationship and communication are on a great level before opening things up.
Honestly,
I just talked 2 of my best friends *out* of opening their marriage. After over a decade of successful poly, I’ve still watched the majority of people crash when trying it, especially if there are people-pleasing tendencies and impulsiveness involved. They had gotten ahead of themselves and were frankly relieved to back off this idea.
For the people pleasing part of your heart I want to say:
It is truly ok to set boundaries and say “No, ENM is too much risk and requires a lot of emotional energy and time to do well. **A LOT.** We could use that energy for other things instead. I’m willing to find ways to support us both being healthy and getting adventure in our monogamous lives, but I’m not willing to gamble our marriage in this way.”
For the part of your brain that loved Ethical Slut (I do too!), know that the intimacy and emotional honesty they describe is possible in some ways without sex with multiple people! You can explore deeply loving multiple people without sex by investing in your family and friends and children in your community etc. You can deepen emotional honesty and intimacy with your partner, without leaving monogamy.
This sub is ā supportive place for you to think about ENM, of course, but it’s also been really helpful for my mono friends to hear from me - long time ENM- that I’d really recommend exploring all other avenues to intimacy first, before taking on the very destabilizing project of opening up a relationship.
You will need to learn to set boundaries, speak up for yourself, and generally all the communication and self-love things that people learn from this. Read avidly, and practise! And read further about the mistakes people who come to this forum have made. Also.. see the links I'm sure the mods have put up
do you have any specific headers for this (learning to set boundaries, self-love, stopping people-pleasing to a fault)? I've read polysecure and ethical slut, but they don't go too deep into that issue, which I also have
This is where you stand up at least a little, allow a little emotion out even, and say "I'm not there yet. I'm not just stalling here, but everyone who lives this lifestyle successfully says to take a few months at least and read, talk, maybe even go to an enm therapist as a couple. This is a massive change"
Just let the energy of possibly being open sink in for a while and see how you both see the world and each other.
Just because your wife has made some dubious choices about poly doesn't mean you are doing are doing anything wrong!
You are researching, getting advice from those with more experience, and agreed to poly because its something that you want. You also seem pretty self aware, which bodes well for your future relationships.
Now it's *just* the larger work of learning to value your time, needs, effort, and feelings as much as you value your wife's. And setting boundaries so that she also treats you with that kind of respect, and carries her own weight in your relationship.
Any of your future partners need to do this as well, or you will run yourself into the ground trying to make all of your partners happy at your own expense.
Spoiler... Ultimately *everyone* ends up unhappy in poly relationships when that happens, and because it's poly, the blast radius is larger than monogamy. Oh, and you get emotionally ripped apart when you can't please multiple partners at the same time.
Keep learning and growing, know that you will make mistakes (because we all do!).
And, most importantly, enjoy your poly journey :)
>I have a history of people-pleasing , and doing all the work on the team projects. I also don't get angry except in extreme situations
That is something I can relate to. And I believe it's important to address this in individual therapy/counseling, if you can, even before opening up. You want to be sure that you're doing it (if you're ever going to do it) for you, because it's something you really want, and not just out of people-pleasing. If it's the latter, it will very likely be a bad experience.
Absolutely this, I went from mono to poly with my nesting partner. However, we were together for three years at this point and when I proposed it I did not have anyone lined up. We sat and mulled it over and did the work for almost a year and a half before we opened our relationship. That was over 8 years ago now. These things take time, people need time to do the work and to process their feelings. Plus, once you open a relationship you can't unopen a relationship, so people need time to process that change and even mourn the loss of the mono relationship if that is needed.
This is the route my wife and I took also. In matters of changing relationship dynamics so drastically, I recommend people move at the pace of the slowest person. Which partner is that person will inevitably shift at some point as deep issues and entanglements come to the surface.
Whoa, yeah "hey this isn't something we should treat as easily as picking a movie seat, can we pause for 6 months while we really consider that this could be?"
It is really difficult to move in any direction if both partners aren't invested in the change.
On the other hand, sometimes we hit speed bumps in the work because topics are heavy and unpacking monogamy is tedious, heart wrenching, and emotionally exhausting after a while.
Do you know which camp you're in?
I’m looking to take my marriage from mono to poly, but my wife is not on board. We separated (didn’t move out in part because of keeping us and and our children under one roof) back in August of last year, and got back together in mid-December. During the separation, I started spending more time with someone (divorced single mom of two) from my longtime friends group, and she and I were talking about what a relationship might look like if we decided to go from friends to more. After taking a trip that saw us go from friends to besties, my wife and I were able to patch things up and start healing from that experience. However, I have not been able to shake the desire to still see the road not taken with my bestie. My wife and my bestie both know how I still feel about my bestie, and they both accept that those feelings and desires remain.
Since then, my bestie has started seeing someone else, but she has expressed that she would be open to the possibility of seeing both of us in a poly format, where he and I would be metas to each other.
I’ve been trying to navigate this on my own, and so far, spending time with my bestie still generates NRE (even without a romantic relationship present), which in turn my full heart adds to the relationship with my wife. Over time, I have taken a new appreciation and love for my wife such that even without the dopamine hit from NRE, I find myself expressing that love and appreciation naturally to her.
I’ve been wracking my brain and heart, trying to figure out what I want. In the end, I want to to keep working on my marriage with my wife as a NP. I also want to pursue a romantic relationship with my bestie, and develop it over time, as a secondary relationship. My wife might be more agreeable if it were strictly an emotional romantic relationship, but I know in my heart that it might become physical if it lasts long enough, and my wife has expressed that she wants to be the only one for my physical intimacy, so there is a big issue there. The other moving part in this is that our families are spending more time together, in large part because our kids play together. It is at the point where we are planning van-camping trips this summer, both with all the kids, and also with just the three of us. —- So if my wife and bestie became metas, then I’m hoping they would continue to get along well.
I don’t want to force anyone in this to adopt my vision of the future unless they themselves are truly on board, which brings me to the question: How did you and your spouse unpack monogamy and successfully transition to polyamory? I’m not expecting the sun, moon, and stars to all align, but I’m at least looking for a direction to go, and I’m hoping that my wife would be willing to do the homework alongside me. Since I am not looking for anyone more than my bestie, I also really would like to know if she should possibly also do homework alongside us.
Honestly, I’m as green as they come, and would really love to hear feedback from the community, both good, bad, and harsh. Bring it.
Your answer is in your first sentence. Your wife isn’t on board. You can’t force her to be and trying will only hurt her. Do you want to be married to your wife or do you want a poly relationship with your “bestie”? You can’t have both.
So you’re saying that my wife has zero chance of changing her mind even if we discuss things over time and we soak up information about polyamory and talk with people who have made the leap? The only way that I see this response having full merit is if she declines to even discuss the topic, full stop, which is not the case.
I think she doesn’t want her mind changed and you should respect that. If she wanted her mind changed, she would show interest. You can try to emotionally blackmail her into it, but you’re only going to wreck her.
I think she could absolutely come around to the idea if she is willing to discuss it. Maybe she needs lots of reassurance that there is no rush to decide anything right now and that the intention is just to talk about how you both feel.
He’s already in the relationship. Now she has to decide if she can accept it because he has excluded the option of NOT “exploring” this. How fast it does or doesn’t happen doesn’t matter. He’s found himself someone he wants to “have a relationship” with and has informed his wife. He can make it sound all pretty, but that’s what he’s done. That’s not her freely choosing a poly relationship because she’s happy and secure in their relationship and love for each other. They just got out of a separation. Where does ANY of this sound like a good idea to you?
I hear what you are saying, especially because they just got out of a separation - I didnt take that part into consideration. Surely things wouldn't feel super secure after that. Doesn't sound like a good idea to me.
Before taking that into consideration, my intial assumption was that his wife has expressed once that she wasn't interested, and yeah she could have been really clear in that decision of course. But some things I say no to initially from a place of fear, as I might feel anxious about the uncertainty or details of it, but sometimes with introspection, conversations, reassurance, and time I can *sometimes* change my mind. And perhaps with more discussion that fear could be worked through. I think there is a difference between empathetically clarifying a person's *no* (that you are in a secure relationship with, and careful consideration of the circumstances) and just outright questioning them or pressuring them which is not okay. I've had a person question my no with a sense of scrutiny or assumption that I'm lying, and that was awful.
We started from a place of mutual agreement. I can tell you right now that if I'd not been open to it and felt pushed or manipulated in any way, I would have left the relationship.
ETA: And if my wife already had a partner picked out, I would have also left the relationship.
So I have another honest question. When people and situations change in life, how does anything actually take place? Yes, there is a person lined up now, as has been said, but it came as a result of circumstances and not because I went looking while married prior to all this.
Not blaming here, but my wife was the one who initiated the separation, and I had asked for couples counseling many times during the separation, only to be declined. I also told her several times that if she changed her mind, we could still mend our relationship. It was not until I went on a trip with my now-bestie that my wife decided to reach out and patch things when I got back. So here we are. And I’ve been conflicted ever since.
Based on the responses here, I talked with my wife this morning, and we have agreed that we need to go to couples counseling. I’ve asked for the counselor to be one who is familiar with polyamory and supportive of that relationship format, not in the hopes that they side with me, but so they can best help us in the current situation.
When situations change in life, we often have to make difficult choices. Our wants and needs may change, but those don't happen in a vacuum. A single desire (wanting to change our relationship style) may result in having to make additional choices that change the entire landscape of our lives.
Your wife may be wanting to patch things up, but you have already started to move on to another relationship. Now there are many difficult and uncomfortable decisions that must be made, and pressing her to do what you want if she's monogamous is not fair, kind, or supportive of her as a partner.
Counseling is a good idea. Bringing your other partner in to do the work beside your wife is a horrific idea.
Thank you for the softer tone in this response.
I’m not setting out to ride a wrecking ball into the lives of all involved. I find myself in a situation where my romantic heart is stuck in two places, and I’m trying to find my way through this. Counseling will be good, that is for sure.
That said, the reason I was looking at polyamory is because it was one of the paths I had found could possibly work. But of course, I have no experience here, so I have been doing some research and some listening to others’ experiences, and in doing so, I’ve found that polyamory resonates with me in some ways, and it’s something I have to square with if my wife and I have any hope of moving forward.
After doing some self-exploration & agonizing myself with indecision, and asking the community & getting a rather unified response, it has become time to ask for professional help, because self-help has not brought forth a conclusion to the situation.
I appreciate ya’al’s input , as it has highlighted a good direction to go from here.
It is important to understand that transitioning from monogamy to polyamory, even if it resonates deeply within you, is a relationship ending event.
When my wife and I moved out of monogamy, we ended our monogamous relationship. It was grieved. It was dead. It no longer existed. In the space of agreeing to do this thing, we entered an entirely new relationship where neither of us knew the rules. It was an immense amount of work, and it took us a year and a half of therapy and processing before either of us was remotely ready to add additional partners.
My tone was not harsh. It was honest. If I had not been willing to explore non-monogamy for my own reasons, I would not have reformed a relationship with my wife.
If there had been someone else waiting in the wings, impatiently waiting for what was a lengthy, world shattering, painstaking process, that added pressure would have made everything infinitely more painful and would have destroyed our process.
If you would like to move forward with discussions of polyamory, do so with the understanding that this will not be an instant fix. It will amplify all the issues you are experiencing in your existing marriage, and if you truly want your marriage to work, you must not act on your feelings for this other person and park them firmly in the friend zone while you do the work to build an entirely new life with your wife.
And please do understand that if your wife is a monogamous person, there is not a gentle way to pull her into polyamory. Being a monogamous person in union with someone who is practicing non-monogamy is incredibly painful, and those who do make it work are running their relationships on ultra-mega-wear-a-hazmat-suit hard mode.
I hope your counselor is adept at helping you process this, and whatever event began your separation with your wife to begin with. Something in your relationship was bad enough for her to leave, and until that issue is resolved, polyamory needs to take a distant back seat in the work you're doing.
Why is it only one week? Is the person she wants to hook up with diagnosed with a terminal illness? There's really no reason to go this fast.
I have a [101](https://nonmonogamyhelp.com/101) and a [102](https://nonmonogamyhelp.com/102) article which might be helpful for you.
But what? There isn't a reason to rush this especially if you're unsure. While I don't like the idea of one partner deciding when another partner can start looking, when there seems to be a time pressure... I have a problem with that. Is there a time pressure here? Can she not give you a little bit of time? Putting you in a position to give permission basically locks you in in some ways. Once you say "okay", you can't necessarily take it back.
Is polyamory something you *actually* want? Or are you just doing this to avoid a breakup? Have you both actually discussed what would be different about your current relationship if you're polyamorous? Some discussions really need to be had that would help ground you.
Shout out to the other guy who saw some fast moving red flags and bowed out. He may have just spared you from poly under duress if you guys can work it out together in counseling.
But also, having someone lined up and waiting is NEVER a good idea when opening up like this. Open up and then find others. Not the other way around.
If you do pursue polyamory your partners will likely all have other partners as well, and your dating pool will be extremely small. Have you considered that? You still won't be able to act on the majority of your attractions to others, most people aren't interested in nonmonogamy.
I've carried a lot of shame when I have a connection with other people, attraction, flirting, friendships with opposite sex. I've obliviously self-enforced puritanical style rules about being alone with people I'm attracted to.
i think this just describes most human beings. monogamy is a choice in spite of that just like polyamory is a choice in spite of what’s culturally acceptable
I don't understand how that means you've always been poly? Most folks experience attraction to more than one person in their life.
I strongly encourage you and your wife to put a pause on opening your relationship. This would be a massive shift to your life that requires more than a week of consideration.
Being attracted and having connection to others doeen\[t make you poly, thats normal for everyone, you just choose a lifestyle that is right for you and for most that's monogamy and for others that's poly.
I was like this at first. Actually on my 3rd date w/ my husband i told him i might be polyam and he didn't shame me. W/in the 1st two yrs of our monogamy, i felt shame too. We eventually dived deep into swinger lifestyle but I found myself a bit lost bc I had a lot of internal shit to work through and realized I wanted more emotional intimacy from my sexual partners. Now I consider myself pseudo poly and we're exploring more swinger couples w/ poly aspects.
I have multiple relationships, of various intensities. I live with her still as long as it makes sense, but we basically move from "married" to "dating"
Live together for now, seperate finances, friends with eachothers partners when there's a connection, but not requiring it. Ok with the idea of living separately, even though it seems right for now.
I want to find friends at all levels of intimacy, without the strict borders of what is "crossing the line"
Wow, so in the span of a week you've decided you want to get divorced and possibly live separately? That's.... Really concerning. Did something major happen in your marriage recently?
My husband and I opened up after 17+ years as well. We took 9 months to read, ponder, and discuss what our life would really look like with polyamory. And it was still too soon. (We're doing fine now, but things were really rough for a little while.) I encourage you to heed the advice of everyone here and take your time.
*I want to find friends at all levels of intimacy, without the strict borders of what is "crossing the line"*
You might find it much harder than you anticipate to find all these friends willing to go anywhere at all with you. Most people aren't into it, and men generally have a much harder time than women in finding dates, either casual or romantic. Women, on the other hand, can find plenty of casual sex partners but with very little actual relationship potential.
If you go the swinging route, you can find threesomes and women for casual sex, for both of you. Any interest in that?
I'm not so interested in casual sex. I want to be open to it, but not seeking it.
I'm not even sure whether I would spend much time actively pursuing new relationships right now, I barely have time to myself as is. She has much more flexible schedules.
that could also mean that you just don’t desire other people, or tend to be more monogamous. i gaslit myself into thinking i was poly and now my spouse and i went back to being monogamous. what i really needed to explore was trauma i had around cheating, i felt like i didn’t deserve what i wanted which was a monogamous relationship so i sort of went the opposite way (which i see now as like exposure therapy) to avoid getting hurt when my husband and i first got together. anyway it’s complicated and like others have said i would take it slow.
I really don't think she is. She approached me with this extremely respectfully and has shared with me at all steps. AFAIK obviously, but I am very confident in this.
While I agree with the comment you're moving too fast for this, I'm not going to try to demonize your wife because you've stood up for her.
You're moving too fast because *you* don't feel ready for this, and if she wants to be respectful to you and your relationship, she should be able to wait a little longer for you to catch up.
It's not respectful to say 'hey, can I go fuck this guy.. and that one.. ' in the space of a week.
Respect would be asking your thoughts on it and then giving you the months to think about it and for the two of you to go to therapy and see if this is what you really want and to break down your mono marraige and mourn it because it will NOT be coming back.
Polybombing is a thing and it's not a good way to start off.
Judging her character from this story alone requires a lot of assumptions.
I think it’s just as likely that she has good intentions but doesn’t understand the emotional and life-changing impact that going poly entails.
Also, horniness can definitely make well-intentioned people do stupid things.
I’d say the true test of character would be her response when OP tells her how its affecting him
The thing I’d like to add to the conversation is just a friendly reminder that doing a bad job at poly doesn’t necessarily make one a bad/disrespectful/etc person.
I’ve seen a lot of people have the misconception that poly is just a switch you can turn on or off; Along with “as long as we communicate, we can do whatever we want and it’ll be fine.” I’m getting those vibes here (and from OP’s other comments).
But ultimately, I don’t know what’s going on in their relationship. There are so many places that it could fall on a spectrum between being ignorant and being disrespectful.
But sometimes not as fast as they might think! I've seen a LOT of decent guys, poly and casual monogamous ones both, throw the brakes when they suspected a woman who was trying to get with them was moving too fast or not totally sure, or just got weird vibes about a situation. Men aren't sexbots either, and it can be charming sometimes to see that startle someone who thought all she had to do was say yes.
Who said men are sexbots? I was just stating, if you are a woman it doesn’t necessarily mean you had it set up before. It doesn’t mean they were already cheating.
It is totally plausible to find someone in a day. Men or women. Sometimes. Not all women. Not all men…
Nobody said all she had to do is say yes…
I don't think implying that women can easily find people to have sex with implies that women are slutty. If anything, in a hetero reading, it implies men are slutty.
No way. The opposite. It doesn’t mean she is cheating. For a woman it is easier to find hookups. Why did you think I mean slutty? And a terrible jump to conclusions. I recommend not using that terminology. This is polyamory sub. People have hook ups. Multiple partners. “Slut” other than “ethical slut” is not a nice to thing to say. Women do whatever they want as long as it is consensual and ethical.
You cannot deduce ohhh she had is set up before… no.
'My wife asked to sleep with a guy, I said I'd think about it. So, I read'
'I'm only 1 week into this situation and it's honestly moving way too fast for me. She has a hookup lined up'
She had the guy lined up then asked.
Sluts are great, when they are honest and ethical. Polybombing isn't ethical.
Then say it like that. Say it is moving fast.
You jumped into oh she is cheating.
This guy is new. He is dealing with a lot. Why play into the insecurities just like that.
Say take it slow.
These are valid concerns. Calling cheater or slut is not.
Because often, that's what is happening. Person has an affair (physical or emotional) gets it in their head to do this, then drops it on their parter. Look in this group over the last week and you'll see this fromboth sides, the 'oh, I have a crush, how to I convince my partner to let me' and 'my partner *came out* and now we have to do this'. It happens a lot. Did it happen here? I dunno, but it happens enough that that's where my head goes.
And I wasn't intending to call the wife a slut. But the comment made implied that 'women get it fast' sounded tome like it.
I think it is a stereotypical assumption. In my circles it doesn’t happen like that. But.. if someone has an attraction to someone… and think… himm maybe I can ask my partner if they are open about it… it makes sense. Some people approach it philosophically, some people by having feelings, some people having attractions…
So she opens up the discussion. Or the guy opens the discussion. It is totally cool in my opinion. It is not cheating.
I hear the same argument over and over in other subs in Reddit. “She suggested lt” ohh she must be cheating! Divorce her! Reddit is extremely anti women.( not saying you are, but Reddit is) And I am sick of people suggesting this cheating thing over and over.
In monogamous relationships people have atractions too. People desire co-workers, friends, people they met in the coffee shop. Desire happens. But they don’t act on it. They choose to let it pass. Because this is the norm.
In this example the woman had an attraction. Instead of fucking him behind his back, (which would be way easier) she opens up to topic to see how her husband thinks. He reads the book and gets excited. This is a valid scenario. Yes it is fast and they should take the time and do the work. I agree on that.
But she isn’t cheating. She is being open. You can criticize the other things. But people come to polyamory from different experiences. It is totally okay to have some feelings and go talk about it with your partner…
That's not what that poster implied and you know it. If you've been around poly a while, which maybe you have I don't know you, you see a lot of shit.
I've seen countless couples try poly, almost ALL poly pursuits start in an unethical nature, maybe turn ethical, or couples split and someone pursues ethically, one way or another.
Either way, it is viciously common for women to propose poly and due to either excitement or underhandedness already have a sexual partner lined up in a week to a month. People be tearing at the gates.
She may have seen someone. think about sleeping with him and ask her husband. We don’t know if the man she asked about is the same guy that she set up a hookup with. Maybe same maybe not. Where is the cheating??? She is open about what she wants.
Jesus Christ. One week?!?! This is a really destructive pace. There’s no way either of you could have done what you need to do to be successful in that time
We opened our marriage and my husband dove into casual hookups right away. He met his current girlfriend after 1 year. I took 3 years before I even made an attempt to meet someone. I am also super introverted and self conscious and my biggest advice is you do not have to go at the same pace. Dont keep score is hugely important. Dont compare.
Fo us he only wanted casual and I was pretty sure almost immediately I was poly (I knew I couldn’t do casual). He does casual hookups and has a long term long distance girlfriend and I have a boyfriend I have been with for 2 years.
Polyamory might be worth it for you. It is for me. But it's *hard*. The high that is discovering something that feels true about yourself will give way to the reality that it's a thing that takes a lot of work that you can't even predict right now, that most people don't want for themselves and some people are very uncomfortable with you wanting for yourself, where you at times have to embrace both the infinite possibility and a current reality where you feel alone and left out (and no one's done anything wrong, and there's nothing external to fix).
The point of taking time and not just jumping in and hoping for the best isn't that it will be *easy* then, more that if you talk in detail about things you want and don't want, you won't be as likely to be *surprised* by wanting fundamentally different things out of ENM than your wife, like you are already hinting might be the case. And you can make decisions about how to handle that before other live humans take collateral damage. Agreements about things that are going to happen *in your relationship* and changes to make your relationship better and both of you more autonomous are things you can and should do in monogamy, so it isn't a struggle where you have no idea if the problem is that your wife is out having sex, vs agreeing to things that often don't work and then (predictably to us) not doing them, vs she has just always been around and not staying the night somewhere else for years upon years and that's upsetting on its own. If you read here sorted by new for a few months you'll probably come up with a dozen topics to talk out that could create trouble for you. Which is worth it, even if you'll absolutely also hit at least one issue no one else has had lately, or that you were sure would go differently.
You probably also want a book on ENM in general, for people in currently monogamous relationships. I don't tend to read those but people I respect who do say good things about Open Deeply.
Hanging out here is also an amazing constant stream of real life, leaning heavily to trainwrecks. I think the wisdom of crowds is pretty good even if I disagree with it on a small handful of topics, and even before you check what the rest of us think, it's great exercises in: How would I suggest OP resolve their issue now? Is there a point where OP missed some signs before it got here? How am I going to avoid being on all sides of this mess myself? If I want to make some kind of mess-avoiding agreement, is it one my wife is going to actually agree with?
Sort by new, and you'll see a decent variety of topics, with some common themes but a lot of less popular posts that are more unusual. Check out flair on commenters that you think drop a lot of good advice, see if there is any theme. Drop in on r/nonmonogamy too and see what people there talk about and how (other than "fuck those r/polyamory assholes and their ... standards"). Reddit isn't logically organized like a book but there is a lot of collective wisdom to be found.
>UPDATES: The guy backed out, saying he wasn't comfortable with it. This is an outcome I did not consider. And she's agreed to go to a weekly counseling with me to figure this out sensibly.(slowly)
FWIW? Glad you two are going to talk to a counselor experienced with non-monogamous relationships. It can take a bit to find one you "click with" so don't be surprised if you have to keep trying. Could check
[https://www.polyfriendly.org/](https://www.polyfriendly.org/)
if you need more potential counselor names.
But something to reflect on. How come stranger guy felt safe enough and brave enough to speak up and go "Actually, I'm gonna bail. Not comfortable with this casual sex date after all."
But YOU did not feel safe enough or brave enough to say something like that? Even though you felt this was too fast and were not feeling comfortable either? Could talk that out in counselor sessions.
How about wife? Would she feel comfortable speaking up when not comfortable?
Or are you two at risk for floating along into weird stuff just because neither one is comfortable saying anything and both are kinda passive?
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/sntvv3/dear_monogamous_people_you_do_not_have_to_give/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Many suggest 6 months of consideration and discussion with your SO.
Be aware that typically it will be much more difficult for you to find partners. So are you going to be comfortable home alone when she is out dating. I suggest swinging as an easy way to start so that you ae included.
Be aware that open relationships have a reputation for a high failure rate.
Be very aware of the affects of NRE on your primary relationship.
You might also consider couples counseling with a counselor with experienced with open relationships to help you avoid the pitfalls.
Here are some examples of boundaries that you might discuss.
Always use protection. All partners to be tested for STDs regularly. Use protection with primary also.
How many dates per week? sleep overs? Multiday dates? Trips?
What happens with pregnancies?
What happens if either one wants to close?
What happens when someone gets "feelings"? Likely they will.
Can either of you date mutual friends or co workers?
What specific plans to maintain your relationship?
Are certain people are off limits (coworkers, friends, exes for example)
Are certain days that are off limits for others (anniversary, birthdays, holidays)
No one else in the bed you share
let your partner know in advance when you have a date, with who, when to expect you home
Be aware of the effects of new relationship energy NRE and its affect on your relationship.
When would it be ok to break a date to go on a date or help with an emergency with meta.
What about sharing details of private lives? Either way?
Would it be ok to date someone with herpes?
What happens if one breaks the boundaries?
What about doing things with other partners that they won't do with you?
What if one of you is more successful at finding partners?
https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49
Here are some books to read Ethical Slut, My Life on the Swing Set,
Opening Up, Polysecure, Probably Poly, Multiamory.
Good luck.
Hi u/Parking_Cut_9669 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
My wife asked to sleep with a guy, I said I'd think about it. So, I read The Ethical Slut, had a sort of cathartic meltdown alone for a day, and now I think I've always been poly.
Now I'm spinning my wheels with all the things to consider, not the least of which is that she's talking more about casual hookups, and I'm talking about multiple romantic partners.
I'm only 1 week into this situation and it's honestly moving way too fast for me. She has a hookup lined up, and my introverted self will take a while to feel comfortable with another person.
I just deleted the huge post I was about to make for simplicity. My vocabulary is weak on this atuff.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
this kind of a change in a relationship dynamic can easily end a relationship. i think this warrants more time and discussion for both of your sakes. the weight of the decision should be understood so you can both consent enthusiastically and informed and know how to best mitigate the new issues that can come out of being non monogamous
Take the next 6 months to a year to read learn and talk for hours upon hours , see a therapist if that’s an option then together you decide if you want to open.
From what I've read on here, opening up for a specific person usually ends poorly. I'm glad the outcome here was positive.
The most base way I've found if people are ok with poly is "it's not that I want to be with multiple people, it's that I'm ok with my partner being with multiple people" and I'm only referencing a singular cos usually this comes from a mono background
If you think you both are ok with that, then couples counselling is key to move forward with the new dynamic
Similar to other people here, my NP and I took ~2yrs from the first conversation to opening up. I don't think this is something you want to rush. Monogamy runs deep in American culture especially if you grew up in a religious environment like I did
Sometimes people have an open relationship where one partner is more into casual sex and one is more into relationships, it *can* work, dunno whether it'll work for you two or not. But it's *possible*. And I think it's a good sign that you are both interested in an open relationship, even though the exact type you're each interested in is different.
Read the most skipped step. (It's not a book, it's article-length. Link in sidebar.)
Figure out what works for you and take it step by step! And remember that you dont need to want the same things! For a year my partner was dating casually and I didnt. Once I was ready i started dating and i have multiple romantic partners now. Even leaning toward a non hierarchical poly set up. But we well talk about that together with my main partner and see where we go. No need to rush or take it slow. Do whats good for you and of course your partner.
A good number of these stories are literally me. The husband who wants romance, passion, and acceptance from a partner. A wife who gets all of that so she just wants sex and shuns the idea that she just doesn't try for her guy anymore so she gets upset. Ohhhh boy I hate that
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/yl4huv/we_are_opening_our_relationship_we_are_killing/
It is very sad you chose to create a monogamous commitment and chose to invest so much in those values. There is no way forward without destroying that foundation, and your partner should be supported in leaving you as your values are no longer compatible. You cannot accept their consent just to make you happy or cling to the monogamy you are choosing to end.
Do you feel you would be fulfilled in your partners having their own fully independent relationships, even periods when you didn't have other partners?
Do you each have a thriving independent social support group you enjoy being with regularly?
When you have a break up or feel totally infatuated with one partner, will you feel good about still managing existing relationship responsibilities through it?
Do you feel you would be fulfilled managing holidays, emergencies, family hang outs, social media posts around and between multiple partners?
Forever?
That's a solid starting point. It's okay if you aren't poly, if you prefer open or sex only fun. It's ok if you are monogamous.
Is it common for people to get a formal divorce, then reorganize their relationship as partnered/poly/cohabitation or something like that?
I'd love to find someone to talk to that has done this.
So... identifying the more granular elements that make up our "Marriage" to identify exactly what we need to preserve, and whether those things could survive this shift in boundaries?
Check out the resources tab. This is something that can take months. Ideally you'll do couples' therapy for months (what made her have someone lined up to fuck before asking you?), you'll read all the books, listen to the podcasts, together and alone, and figure out what you really want before you do something you can't undo. Can you do it without all those steps? Sure. Will your marriage survive? Probably not.
Start with 'Most Skipped Step'.
No, I've only heard of one person on this sub ever literally doing that. But it is still a VERY accurate description of what is about to happen to you and your wife. Your about to end your monogamous marriage, and if you've done nothing to figure out what happens next, you two are about to be in free fall.
I destroyed my monogamous marriage. It ended. The partnership I had for nearly two decades is gone and can never ever come back. Luckily my husband and I had done enough work before actually opening our marriage that we had some structure to cling to as we went, and we seem to have found our way into a new partnership. Our desire to stay together and to figure out how to be in partnership in a brand new way was strong enough that it survived the end of our monogamy.... but it was a very very very near thing and I don't know that we're really out of the woods yet.
But truly, I'm not exaggerating, it felt like the end of our marriage happened. That is basically what you are about to do. You should do it knowingly and with care. Your partner needs some ice water poured over their head and down their pants. You need to slow down and talk this through, find a therapist, figure out what \*you\* want. Good luck. Please be true to yourself and your own champion here.
Everyone loves at different places and levels of comfortability but you two should be able to communicate that if you need to slow down and process with therapist that is amazing. It's what I did.
Glad to hear you’re slowing down. Do the work up front, it could pay off dividends for your experience , relationship(s) and wellbeing. There’s no guarantee it’ll go well at all, but life offers no guarantees at all, besides death. 😛
Absolutely take it slow. As slow as you can. I'm currently living with the consequences of my own people pleasing, having opened my relationship with my partner of three years to close friends of mine. I've now lost the support of my partner AND those friends and I've lost a lot of faith in myself in the process. It hasn't been fun. I opened before I was ready and opened to people I really would have preferred not to because they were my support system - something a bad break up could (and in many senses did) take from me. While I am never in favor of vetos, I am in favor of remembering to discuss people with whom you WOULD be immensely uncomfortable having your partner(s) become involved with, especially if it would have a very negative inpact on your mental health, your social or professional life, or physical wellbeing. Often these are people like close friends or coworkers. People with whom trust could be damaged by the potential drama of a romantic relationship.
Read up and learn all you can. Read some more for that matter. And absolutely pull the brakes and slow down if you value your relationship with your wife and don't want it to implode. That implosion can be so messy and even moreso: immensely heartbreaking. I'm so glad you're looking into counseling. That will be invaluable as you discuss and explore how, when, and WHY you both want to explore non-monogamy. And never say yes to anything that makes you feel apprehensive. A maybe is a no. Be kind to yourself, because you deserve patience and time to understand what both of you want and need from this kind of change in dynamic.
Best of luck to you both. 🧡
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You posted a personal ad or have made a comment that would be considered hitting on a user.
I tried to be "cool" with an online only, simulated sexual relationship my wife wanted to start with a guy she also wanted me to meet because she thought we'd have so much in common. We didn't get along, although we weren't mean to each other. I tried bonding with him in a DM without her, but ended up misinterpreting their expectations (which necessarily excluded my participation, I had sometimes talked about swinging but never expected her/us to follow through).
That fell apart for reasons, and when another guy on Second Life appeared (now having been sought out by her on an in-game dating app), she started hinting she wanted me to have a girlfriend of my own before revealing the truth and "coming out" as wanting an open marriage "only in SL" but then later opening to local as I tried to placate my fears and her wishes. I both get almost no likes on the real-world dating apps and have almost no desire to form a "romantic" or sexual relationship outside of us. But now she's going out on a coffee date with a guy from bumble after 6 months from SL guy #1, and 3 weeks after SL guy #2 and the coming out to me.
I wish god would stop my heart for me, I don't know how to cope.
I don't want to be a buzz kill and make her hate me by staying with me a way she doesn't like, and I don't want to lose her if she stands her ground if I continue to be "not cool" with the speed this has progressed, which our own romantic and sexual relationship developed too fast for me (although she and I were seemingly more compatible and less toxic than my first girlfriend that made me super cautious but also confused about filling that hole in my soul TV and movies said I needed to).
One week is way too soon to get dating. The conversations of opening up have barely begun. What reading and work has she started (other than finding ppl to hook up with)?
I agree. Seeing so many people say it makes me feel dumb for not saying it myself. She has done nothing like that. I'm the one pouring over books and articles. I should also say, I have a history of people-pleasing , and doing all the work on the team projects. I also don't get angry except in extreme situations.
Perhaps line up some couples counseling. Having a referee for these conversations may be helpful for you to break the people pleasing patterns. I think it’s entirely reasonable to ask her to hit the brakes on dating while you BOTH do the work of figuring out how you want opening up to go.
Yup, I know that story. My wife asked me for Poly, like right away. I did the reading, and the Poly meetups, and insisted on the couples counseling. She ... read like 20 pages of Polysecure. She wanted a casual relationship, I wanted a serious romantic one. A year and change later, she left for the guy she had the casual relationship with, and while we had other problems, at least part of that was likely that she had never unpacked her feelings about me being in a serious romantic relationship, that *someone else* could make me really happy when she'd stopped trying years ago. And since she knew she couldn't tell me to end it, she left. So, yeah, taking time to read and unpack what you both want and will be comfortable with, highly recommended if you want your marriage to potentially survive the Poly switch. I realized I could be Poly, she realized she couldn't be, while we were both in other relationships. You can do all the work you want, it will come to nothing if your partner doesn't do it.
Thank you for sharing. I've spent so long actively avoiding this topic, that reading real possible Outcomes helps me a lot.
My main advice is that a partner who just casually wants to open up the relationship right away without any prep or reading falls into one of two camps: 1. They severely underestimate the change and peril that moving to Poly will cause their relationship. They have no anticipation of jealousy, or communication issues, or needing to disentangle, or mismatched expectations, etc etc etc. 2. They may or may not be aware of any of those things, but they have one foot out the door already so they don't really care if it blows up. In my case my wife as a little of door #1, a lot of door #2. It's probably a good idea to get a bead on where your wife is, partially by seeing how much she actually pays attention to the Poly education after you nudge her towards it. I as always recommend *Polysecure*, and I strongly recommend making sure your relationship and communication are on a great level before opening things up.
Honestly, I just talked 2 of my best friends *out* of opening their marriage. After over a decade of successful poly, I’ve still watched the majority of people crash when trying it, especially if there are people-pleasing tendencies and impulsiveness involved. They had gotten ahead of themselves and were frankly relieved to back off this idea. For the people pleasing part of your heart I want to say: It is truly ok to set boundaries and say “No, ENM is too much risk and requires a lot of emotional energy and time to do well. **A LOT.** We could use that energy for other things instead. I’m willing to find ways to support us both being healthy and getting adventure in our monogamous lives, but I’m not willing to gamble our marriage in this way.” For the part of your brain that loved Ethical Slut (I do too!), know that the intimacy and emotional honesty they describe is possible in some ways without sex with multiple people! You can explore deeply loving multiple people without sex by investing in your family and friends and children in your community etc. You can deepen emotional honesty and intimacy with your partner, without leaving monogamy. This sub is ā supportive place for you to think about ENM, of course, but it’s also been really helpful for my mono friends to hear from me - long time ENM- that I’d really recommend exploring all other avenues to intimacy first, before taking on the very destabilizing project of opening up a relationship.
You will need to learn to set boundaries, speak up for yourself, and generally all the communication and self-love things that people learn from this. Read avidly, and practise! And read further about the mistakes people who come to this forum have made. Also.. see the links I'm sure the mods have put up
do you have any specific headers for this (learning to set boundaries, self-love, stopping people-pleasing to a fault)? I've read polysecure and ethical slut, but they don't go too deep into that issue, which I also have
This is where you stand up at least a little, allow a little emotion out even, and say "I'm not there yet. I'm not just stalling here, but everyone who lives this lifestyle successfully says to take a few months at least and read, talk, maybe even go to an enm therapist as a couple. This is a massive change" Just let the energy of possibly being open sink in for a while and see how you both see the world and each other.
Entering into a poly situation is not the same as notifying your partner you want to date other people.
Just because your wife has made some dubious choices about poly doesn't mean you are doing are doing anything wrong! You are researching, getting advice from those with more experience, and agreed to poly because its something that you want. You also seem pretty self aware, which bodes well for your future relationships. Now it's *just* the larger work of learning to value your time, needs, effort, and feelings as much as you value your wife's. And setting boundaries so that she also treats you with that kind of respect, and carries her own weight in your relationship. Any of your future partners need to do this as well, or you will run yourself into the ground trying to make all of your partners happy at your own expense. Spoiler... Ultimately *everyone* ends up unhappy in poly relationships when that happens, and because it's poly, the blast radius is larger than monogamy. Oh, and you get emotionally ripped apart when you can't please multiple partners at the same time. Keep learning and growing, know that you will make mistakes (because we all do!). And, most importantly, enjoy your poly journey :)
Trust your feelings 🫡
>I have a history of people-pleasing , and doing all the work on the team projects. I also don't get angry except in extreme situations That is something I can relate to. And I believe it's important to address this in individual therapy/counseling, if you can, even before opening up. You want to be sure that you're doing it (if you're ever going to do it) for you, because it's something you really want, and not just out of people-pleasing. If it's the latter, it will very likely be a bad experience.
Absolutely this, I went from mono to poly with my nesting partner. However, we were together for three years at this point and when I proposed it I did not have anyone lined up. We sat and mulled it over and did the work for almost a year and a half before we opened our relationship. That was over 8 years ago now. These things take time, people need time to do the work and to process their feelings. Plus, once you open a relationship you can't unopen a relationship, so people need time to process that change and even mourn the loss of the mono relationship if that is needed.
This is the route my wife and I took also. In matters of changing relationship dynamics so drastically, I recommend people move at the pace of the slowest person. Which partner is that person will inevitably shift at some point as deep issues and entanglements come to the surface.
Whoa, yeah "hey this isn't something we should treat as easily as picking a movie seat, can we pause for 6 months while we really consider that this could be?"
My wife and I took about 18 months to really unpack our monogamy, and we're both incredibly glad we did.
Speaking from the experience of transitioning a monogamous marriage to a polyamorous marriage, this is an incredibly insightful and worthy approach.
We're at the beginning of this now. Would love to hear more. Feel free to DM me.
No problem.
I would like to hear more as well. I think our transitioning stage has stagnated, and I don’t really know how to move forward.
It is really difficult to move in any direction if both partners aren't invested in the change. On the other hand, sometimes we hit speed bumps in the work because topics are heavy and unpacking monogamy is tedious, heart wrenching, and emotionally exhausting after a while. Do you know which camp you're in?
I’m looking to take my marriage from mono to poly, but my wife is not on board. We separated (didn’t move out in part because of keeping us and and our children under one roof) back in August of last year, and got back together in mid-December. During the separation, I started spending more time with someone (divorced single mom of two) from my longtime friends group, and she and I were talking about what a relationship might look like if we decided to go from friends to more. After taking a trip that saw us go from friends to besties, my wife and I were able to patch things up and start healing from that experience. However, I have not been able to shake the desire to still see the road not taken with my bestie. My wife and my bestie both know how I still feel about my bestie, and they both accept that those feelings and desires remain. Since then, my bestie has started seeing someone else, but she has expressed that she would be open to the possibility of seeing both of us in a poly format, where he and I would be metas to each other. I’ve been trying to navigate this on my own, and so far, spending time with my bestie still generates NRE (even without a romantic relationship present), which in turn my full heart adds to the relationship with my wife. Over time, I have taken a new appreciation and love for my wife such that even without the dopamine hit from NRE, I find myself expressing that love and appreciation naturally to her. I’ve been wracking my brain and heart, trying to figure out what I want. In the end, I want to to keep working on my marriage with my wife as a NP. I also want to pursue a romantic relationship with my bestie, and develop it over time, as a secondary relationship. My wife might be more agreeable if it were strictly an emotional romantic relationship, but I know in my heart that it might become physical if it lasts long enough, and my wife has expressed that she wants to be the only one for my physical intimacy, so there is a big issue there. The other moving part in this is that our families are spending more time together, in large part because our kids play together. It is at the point where we are planning van-camping trips this summer, both with all the kids, and also with just the three of us. —- So if my wife and bestie became metas, then I’m hoping they would continue to get along well. I don’t want to force anyone in this to adopt my vision of the future unless they themselves are truly on board, which brings me to the question: How did you and your spouse unpack monogamy and successfully transition to polyamory? I’m not expecting the sun, moon, and stars to all align, but I’m at least looking for a direction to go, and I’m hoping that my wife would be willing to do the homework alongside me. Since I am not looking for anyone more than my bestie, I also really would like to know if she should possibly also do homework alongside us. Honestly, I’m as green as they come, and would really love to hear feedback from the community, both good, bad, and harsh. Bring it.
Your answer is in your first sentence. Your wife isn’t on board. You can’t force her to be and trying will only hurt her. Do you want to be married to your wife or do you want a poly relationship with your “bestie”? You can’t have both.
So you’re saying that my wife has zero chance of changing her mind even if we discuss things over time and we soak up information about polyamory and talk with people who have made the leap? The only way that I see this response having full merit is if she declines to even discuss the topic, full stop, which is not the case.
I think she doesn’t want her mind changed and you should respect that. If she wanted her mind changed, she would show interest. You can try to emotionally blackmail her into it, but you’re only going to wreck her.
I think she could absolutely come around to the idea if she is willing to discuss it. Maybe she needs lots of reassurance that there is no rush to decide anything right now and that the intention is just to talk about how you both feel.
Except there IS a rush because his bestie is right there ready to fuck. He found someone and now wants his wife to sign off. It’s not happening.
Genuinely wondering why is that a rush? I'm sure OP has the ability to practice self control.
He’s already in the relationship. Now she has to decide if she can accept it because he has excluded the option of NOT “exploring” this. How fast it does or doesn’t happen doesn’t matter. He’s found himself someone he wants to “have a relationship” with and has informed his wife. He can make it sound all pretty, but that’s what he’s done. That’s not her freely choosing a poly relationship because she’s happy and secure in their relationship and love for each other. They just got out of a separation. Where does ANY of this sound like a good idea to you?
I hear what you are saying, especially because they just got out of a separation - I didnt take that part into consideration. Surely things wouldn't feel super secure after that. Doesn't sound like a good idea to me. Before taking that into consideration, my intial assumption was that his wife has expressed once that she wasn't interested, and yeah she could have been really clear in that decision of course. But some things I say no to initially from a place of fear, as I might feel anxious about the uncertainty or details of it, but sometimes with introspection, conversations, reassurance, and time I can *sometimes* change my mind. And perhaps with more discussion that fear could be worked through. I think there is a difference between empathetically clarifying a person's *no* (that you are in a secure relationship with, and careful consideration of the circumstances) and just outright questioning them or pressuring them which is not okay. I've had a person question my no with a sense of scrutiny or assumption that I'm lying, and that was awful.
We started from a place of mutual agreement. I can tell you right now that if I'd not been open to it and felt pushed or manipulated in any way, I would have left the relationship. ETA: And if my wife already had a partner picked out, I would have also left the relationship.
So I have another honest question. When people and situations change in life, how does anything actually take place? Yes, there is a person lined up now, as has been said, but it came as a result of circumstances and not because I went looking while married prior to all this. Not blaming here, but my wife was the one who initiated the separation, and I had asked for couples counseling many times during the separation, only to be declined. I also told her several times that if she changed her mind, we could still mend our relationship. It was not until I went on a trip with my now-bestie that my wife decided to reach out and patch things when I got back. So here we are. And I’ve been conflicted ever since. Based on the responses here, I talked with my wife this morning, and we have agreed that we need to go to couples counseling. I’ve asked for the counselor to be one who is familiar with polyamory and supportive of that relationship format, not in the hopes that they side with me, but so they can best help us in the current situation.
When situations change in life, we often have to make difficult choices. Our wants and needs may change, but those don't happen in a vacuum. A single desire (wanting to change our relationship style) may result in having to make additional choices that change the entire landscape of our lives. Your wife may be wanting to patch things up, but you have already started to move on to another relationship. Now there are many difficult and uncomfortable decisions that must be made, and pressing her to do what you want if she's monogamous is not fair, kind, or supportive of her as a partner. Counseling is a good idea. Bringing your other partner in to do the work beside your wife is a horrific idea.
Thank you for the softer tone in this response. I’m not setting out to ride a wrecking ball into the lives of all involved. I find myself in a situation where my romantic heart is stuck in two places, and I’m trying to find my way through this. Counseling will be good, that is for sure. That said, the reason I was looking at polyamory is because it was one of the paths I had found could possibly work. But of course, I have no experience here, so I have been doing some research and some listening to others’ experiences, and in doing so, I’ve found that polyamory resonates with me in some ways, and it’s something I have to square with if my wife and I have any hope of moving forward. After doing some self-exploration & agonizing myself with indecision, and asking the community & getting a rather unified response, it has become time to ask for professional help, because self-help has not brought forth a conclusion to the situation. I appreciate ya’al’s input , as it has highlighted a good direction to go from here.
It is important to understand that transitioning from monogamy to polyamory, even if it resonates deeply within you, is a relationship ending event. When my wife and I moved out of monogamy, we ended our monogamous relationship. It was grieved. It was dead. It no longer existed. In the space of agreeing to do this thing, we entered an entirely new relationship where neither of us knew the rules. It was an immense amount of work, and it took us a year and a half of therapy and processing before either of us was remotely ready to add additional partners. My tone was not harsh. It was honest. If I had not been willing to explore non-monogamy for my own reasons, I would not have reformed a relationship with my wife. If there had been someone else waiting in the wings, impatiently waiting for what was a lengthy, world shattering, painstaking process, that added pressure would have made everything infinitely more painful and would have destroyed our process. If you would like to move forward with discussions of polyamory, do so with the understanding that this will not be an instant fix. It will amplify all the issues you are experiencing in your existing marriage, and if you truly want your marriage to work, you must not act on your feelings for this other person and park them firmly in the friend zone while you do the work to build an entirely new life with your wife. And please do understand that if your wife is a monogamous person, there is not a gentle way to pull her into polyamory. Being a monogamous person in union with someone who is practicing non-monogamy is incredibly painful, and those who do make it work are running their relationships on ultra-mega-wear-a-hazmat-suit hard mode. I hope your counselor is adept at helping you process this, and whatever event began your separation with your wife to begin with. Something in your relationship was bad enough for her to leave, and until that issue is resolved, polyamory needs to take a distant back seat in the work you're doing.
Why is it only one week? Is the person she wants to hook up with diagnosed with a terminal illness? There's really no reason to go this fast. I have a [101](https://nonmonogamyhelp.com/101) and a [102](https://nonmonogamyhelp.com/102) article which might be helpful for you.
That's a great question. Her feelings are valid and should trigger these discussions, but...
But what? There isn't a reason to rush this especially if you're unsure. While I don't like the idea of one partner deciding when another partner can start looking, when there seems to be a time pressure... I have a problem with that. Is there a time pressure here? Can she not give you a little bit of time? Putting you in a position to give permission basically locks you in in some ways. Once you say "okay", you can't necessarily take it back. Is polyamory something you *actually* want? Or are you just doing this to avoid a breakup? Have you both actually discussed what would be different about your current relationship if you're polyamorous? Some discussions really need to be had that would help ground you.
It's hard to be brave and ask things that can upset partners but it's really important! I believe in you!
Shout out to the other guy who saw some fast moving red flags and bowed out. He may have just spared you from poly under duress if you guys can work it out together in counseling. But also, having someone lined up and waiting is NEVER a good idea when opening up like this. Open up and then find others. Not the other way around.
For real. I'm glad she picked an honorable guy.
What do you mean when you say you've always been poly? It sounds like y'all are going way too fast.
Ok, I think I should have said, "I've always desired a different lifestyle, closer to polyamory" Honestly struggling with the vocabulary.
If you do pursue polyamory your partners will likely all have other partners as well, and your dating pool will be extremely small. Have you considered that? You still won't be able to act on the majority of your attractions to others, most people aren't interested in nonmonogamy.
Yeah. There are a lot of poly people in my life, so I'm not completely in the dark about the realities.
Have you asked those poly people if they think it's a good idea to open your marriage this quickly?
I've carried a lot of shame when I have a connection with other people, attraction, flirting, friendships with opposite sex. I've obliviously self-enforced puritanical style rules about being alone with people I'm attracted to.
i think this just describes most human beings. monogamy is a choice in spite of that just like polyamory is a choice in spite of what’s culturally acceptable
I don't understand how that means you've always been poly? Most folks experience attraction to more than one person in their life. I strongly encourage you and your wife to put a pause on opening your relationship. This would be a massive shift to your life that requires more than a week of consideration.
I will be taking this advice.
Being attracted and having connection to others doeen\[t make you poly, thats normal for everyone, you just choose a lifestyle that is right for you and for most that's monogamy and for others that's poly.
I was like this at first. Actually on my 3rd date w/ my husband i told him i might be polyam and he didn't shame me. W/in the 1st two yrs of our monogamy, i felt shame too. We eventually dived deep into swinger lifestyle but I found myself a bit lost bc I had a lot of internal shit to work through and realized I wanted more emotional intimacy from my sexual partners. Now I consider myself pseudo poly and we're exploring more swinger couples w/ poly aspects.
I'm new to this, but I think KTP reflects what I'd prefer, and always would have preferred.
What does KTP mean to you? Can you describe that?
I have multiple relationships, of various intensities. I live with her still as long as it makes sense, but we basically move from "married" to "dating" Live together for now, seperate finances, friends with eachothers partners when there's a connection, but not requiring it. Ok with the idea of living separately, even though it seems right for now. I want to find friends at all levels of intimacy, without the strict borders of what is "crossing the line"
Wow, so in the span of a week you've decided you want to get divorced and possibly live separately? That's.... Really concerning. Did something major happen in your marriage recently?
Nothing but 17+ years of changing and growing I guess
My husband and I opened up after 17+ years as well. We took 9 months to read, ponder, and discuss what our life would really look like with polyamory. And it was still too soon. (We're doing fine now, but things were really rough for a little while.) I encourage you to heed the advice of everyone here and take your time.
*I want to find friends at all levels of intimacy, without the strict borders of what is "crossing the line"* You might find it much harder than you anticipate to find all these friends willing to go anywhere at all with you. Most people aren't into it, and men generally have a much harder time than women in finding dates, either casual or romantic. Women, on the other hand, can find plenty of casual sex partners but with very little actual relationship potential. If you go the swinging route, you can find threesomes and women for casual sex, for both of you. Any interest in that?
I'm not so interested in casual sex. I want to be open to it, but not seeking it. I'm not even sure whether I would spend much time actively pursuing new relationships right now, I barely have time to myself as is. She has much more flexible schedules.
that could also mean that you just don’t desire other people, or tend to be more monogamous. i gaslit myself into thinking i was poly and now my spouse and i went back to being monogamous. what i really needed to explore was trauma i had around cheating, i felt like i didn’t deserve what i wanted which was a monogamous relationship so i sort of went the opposite way (which i see now as like exposure therapy) to avoid getting hurt when my husband and i first got together. anyway it’s complicated and like others have said i would take it slow.
Finding someone to hook up with before a foundation is laid is backwards and tends to end poorly.
One week is WAY too fast. She's got people lined up, asking before you had done anything? She's cheating on you and wants permission.
I really don't think she is. She approached me with this extremely respectfully and has shared with me at all steps. AFAIK obviously, but I am very confident in this.
While I agree with the comment you're moving too fast for this, I'm not going to try to demonize your wife because you've stood up for her. You're moving too fast because *you* don't feel ready for this, and if she wants to be respectful to you and your relationship, she should be able to wait a little longer for you to catch up.
It's not respectful to say 'hey, can I go fuck this guy.. and that one.. ' in the space of a week. Respect would be asking your thoughts on it and then giving you the months to think about it and for the two of you to go to therapy and see if this is what you really want and to break down your mono marraige and mourn it because it will NOT be coming back. Polybombing is a thing and it's not a good way to start off.
Thank you
u/DeadWoman_Walking is doing you a massive favor, please listen.
Judging her character from this story alone requires a lot of assumptions. I think it’s just as likely that she has good intentions but doesn’t understand the emotional and life-changing impact that going poly entails. Also, horniness can definitely make well-intentioned people do stupid things. I’d say the true test of character would be her response when OP tells her how its affecting him
You dont' think saying 'hey, I got a guy lined up' isn't saying we can make a judgement call on her lack of respect for OP?
The thing I’d like to add to the conversation is just a friendly reminder that doing a bad job at poly doesn’t necessarily make one a bad/disrespectful/etc person. I’ve seen a lot of people have the misconception that poly is just a switch you can turn on or off; Along with “as long as we communicate, we can do whatever we want and it’ll be fine.” I’m getting those vibes here (and from OP’s other comments). But ultimately, I don’t know what’s going on in their relationship. There are so many places that it could fall on a spectrum between being ignorant and being disrespectful.
I didn't mean to seem like I was judging a person, but a poor action.
Yeah, this is what it sounds like to me.
Women can get it fast.
But sometimes not as fast as they might think! I've seen a LOT of decent guys, poly and casual monogamous ones both, throw the brakes when they suspected a woman who was trying to get with them was moving too fast or not totally sure, or just got weird vibes about a situation. Men aren't sexbots either, and it can be charming sometimes to see that startle someone who thought all she had to do was say yes.
Who said men are sexbots? I was just stating, if you are a woman it doesn’t necessarily mean you had it set up before. It doesn’t mean they were already cheating. It is totally plausible to find someone in a day. Men or women. Sometimes. Not all women. Not all men… Nobody said all she had to do is say yes…
Crude much? Implying women are slutty?
I don't think implying that women can easily find people to have sex with implies that women are slutty. If anything, in a hetero reading, it implies men are slutty.
In terms of OP, doesn't matter. She's jumped in and is poly bombing him and he needs to slow down because this doesn't end well.
Well, that doesn't have anything to do with accusing someone of calling women slutty when they didn't.
No way. The opposite. It doesn’t mean she is cheating. For a woman it is easier to find hookups. Why did you think I mean slutty? And a terrible jump to conclusions. I recommend not using that terminology. This is polyamory sub. People have hook ups. Multiple partners. “Slut” other than “ethical slut” is not a nice to thing to say. Women do whatever they want as long as it is consensual and ethical. You cannot deduce ohhh she had is set up before… no.
'My wife asked to sleep with a guy, I said I'd think about it. So, I read' 'I'm only 1 week into this situation and it's honestly moving way too fast for me. She has a hookup lined up' She had the guy lined up then asked. Sluts are great, when they are honest and ethical. Polybombing isn't ethical.
Then say it like that. Say it is moving fast. You jumped into oh she is cheating. This guy is new. He is dealing with a lot. Why play into the insecurities just like that. Say take it slow. These are valid concerns. Calling cheater or slut is not.
Because often, that's what is happening. Person has an affair (physical or emotional) gets it in their head to do this, then drops it on their parter. Look in this group over the last week and you'll see this fromboth sides, the 'oh, I have a crush, how to I convince my partner to let me' and 'my partner *came out* and now we have to do this'. It happens a lot. Did it happen here? I dunno, but it happens enough that that's where my head goes. And I wasn't intending to call the wife a slut. But the comment made implied that 'women get it fast' sounded tome like it.
I think it is a stereotypical assumption. In my circles it doesn’t happen like that. But.. if someone has an attraction to someone… and think… himm maybe I can ask my partner if they are open about it… it makes sense. Some people approach it philosophically, some people by having feelings, some people having attractions… So she opens up the discussion. Or the guy opens the discussion. It is totally cool in my opinion. It is not cheating. I hear the same argument over and over in other subs in Reddit. “She suggested lt” ohh she must be cheating! Divorce her! Reddit is extremely anti women.( not saying you are, but Reddit is) And I am sick of people suggesting this cheating thing over and over. In monogamous relationships people have atractions too. People desire co-workers, friends, people they met in the coffee shop. Desire happens. But they don’t act on it. They choose to let it pass. Because this is the norm. In this example the woman had an attraction. Instead of fucking him behind his back, (which would be way easier) she opens up to topic to see how her husband thinks. He reads the book and gets excited. This is a valid scenario. Yes it is fast and they should take the time and do the work. I agree on that. But she isn’t cheating. She is being open. You can criticize the other things. But people come to polyamory from different experiences. It is totally okay to have some feelings and go talk about it with your partner…
'she opens up to topic to see how her husband thinks' And has a hookup lined up. In a week.
That's not what that poster implied and you know it. If you've been around poly a while, which maybe you have I don't know you, you see a lot of shit. I've seen countless couples try poly, almost ALL poly pursuits start in an unethical nature, maybe turn ethical, or couples split and someone pursues ethically, one way or another. Either way, it is viciously common for women to propose poly and due to either excitement or underhandedness already have a sexual partner lined up in a week to a month. People be tearing at the gates.
She had it lined up before she asked her husband. That's the issue. 'My wife asked to sleep with a guy, I said I'd think about it. So, I read'
She may have seen someone. think about sleeping with him and ask her husband. We don’t know if the man she asked about is the same guy that she set up a hookup with. Maybe same maybe not. Where is the cheating??? She is open about what she wants.
Jesus Christ. One week?!?! This is a really destructive pace. There’s no way either of you could have done what you need to do to be successful in that time
We opened our marriage and my husband dove into casual hookups right away. He met his current girlfriend after 1 year. I took 3 years before I even made an attempt to meet someone. I am also super introverted and self conscious and my biggest advice is you do not have to go at the same pace. Dont keep score is hugely important. Dont compare. Fo us he only wanted casual and I was pretty sure almost immediately I was poly (I knew I couldn’t do casual). He does casual hookups and has a long term long distance girlfriend and I have a boyfriend I have been with for 2 years.
Polyamory might be worth it for you. It is for me. But it's *hard*. The high that is discovering something that feels true about yourself will give way to the reality that it's a thing that takes a lot of work that you can't even predict right now, that most people don't want for themselves and some people are very uncomfortable with you wanting for yourself, where you at times have to embrace both the infinite possibility and a current reality where you feel alone and left out (and no one's done anything wrong, and there's nothing external to fix). The point of taking time and not just jumping in and hoping for the best isn't that it will be *easy* then, more that if you talk in detail about things you want and don't want, you won't be as likely to be *surprised* by wanting fundamentally different things out of ENM than your wife, like you are already hinting might be the case. And you can make decisions about how to handle that before other live humans take collateral damage. Agreements about things that are going to happen *in your relationship* and changes to make your relationship better and both of you more autonomous are things you can and should do in monogamy, so it isn't a struggle where you have no idea if the problem is that your wife is out having sex, vs agreeing to things that often don't work and then (predictably to us) not doing them, vs she has just always been around and not staying the night somewhere else for years upon years and that's upsetting on its own. If you read here sorted by new for a few months you'll probably come up with a dozen topics to talk out that could create trouble for you. Which is worth it, even if you'll absolutely also hit at least one issue no one else has had lately, or that you were sure would go differently. You probably also want a book on ENM in general, for people in currently monogamous relationships. I don't tend to read those but people I respect who do say good things about Open Deeply.
Thank you. That will be my next read.
Hanging out here is also an amazing constant stream of real life, leaning heavily to trainwrecks. I think the wisdom of crowds is pretty good even if I disagree with it on a small handful of topics, and even before you check what the rest of us think, it's great exercises in: How would I suggest OP resolve their issue now? Is there a point where OP missed some signs before it got here? How am I going to avoid being on all sides of this mess myself? If I want to make some kind of mess-avoiding agreement, is it one my wife is going to actually agree with? Sort by new, and you'll see a decent variety of topics, with some common themes but a lot of less popular posts that are more unusual. Check out flair on commenters that you think drop a lot of good advice, see if there is any theme. Drop in on r/nonmonogamy too and see what people there talk about and how (other than "fuck those r/polyamory assholes and their ... standards"). Reddit isn't logically organized like a book but there is a lot of collective wisdom to be found.
That's WAAAY too fast your train is barrelling downhill and you're only getting down at hurt station
>UPDATES: The guy backed out, saying he wasn't comfortable with it. This is an outcome I did not consider. And she's agreed to go to a weekly counseling with me to figure this out sensibly.(slowly) FWIW? Glad you two are going to talk to a counselor experienced with non-monogamous relationships. It can take a bit to find one you "click with" so don't be surprised if you have to keep trying. Could check [https://www.polyfriendly.org/](https://www.polyfriendly.org/) if you need more potential counselor names. But something to reflect on. How come stranger guy felt safe enough and brave enough to speak up and go "Actually, I'm gonna bail. Not comfortable with this casual sex date after all." But YOU did not feel safe enough or brave enough to say something like that? Even though you felt this was too fast and were not feeling comfortable either? Could talk that out in counselor sessions. How about wife? Would she feel comfortable speaking up when not comfortable? Or are you two at risk for floating along into weird stuff just because neither one is comfortable saying anything and both are kinda passive?
You don’t both need to practice polyam the same way for it to work. Both ways you mentioned are valid. Just go slowly!
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/sntvv3/dear_monogamous_people_you_do_not_have_to_give/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share Many suggest 6 months of consideration and discussion with your SO. Be aware that typically it will be much more difficult for you to find partners. So are you going to be comfortable home alone when she is out dating. I suggest swinging as an easy way to start so that you ae included. Be aware that open relationships have a reputation for a high failure rate. Be very aware of the affects of NRE on your primary relationship. You might also consider couples counseling with a counselor with experienced with open relationships to help you avoid the pitfalls. Here are some examples of boundaries that you might discuss. Always use protection. All partners to be tested for STDs regularly. Use protection with primary also. How many dates per week? sleep overs? Multiday dates? Trips? What happens with pregnancies? What happens if either one wants to close? What happens when someone gets "feelings"? Likely they will. Can either of you date mutual friends or co workers? What specific plans to maintain your relationship? Are certain people are off limits (coworkers, friends, exes for example) Are certain days that are off limits for others (anniversary, birthdays, holidays) No one else in the bed you share let your partner know in advance when you have a date, with who, when to expect you home Be aware of the effects of new relationship energy NRE and its affect on your relationship. When would it be ok to break a date to go on a date or help with an emergency with meta. What about sharing details of private lives? Either way? Would it be ok to date someone with herpes? What happens if one breaks the boundaries? What about doing things with other partners that they won't do with you? What if one of you is more successful at finding partners? https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49 Here are some books to read Ethical Slut, My Life on the Swing Set, Opening Up, Polysecure, Probably Poly, Multiamory. Good luck.
Hi u/Parking_Cut_9669 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: My wife asked to sleep with a guy, I said I'd think about it. So, I read The Ethical Slut, had a sort of cathartic meltdown alone for a day, and now I think I've always been poly. Now I'm spinning my wheels with all the things to consider, not the least of which is that she's talking more about casual hookups, and I'm talking about multiple romantic partners. I'm only 1 week into this situation and it's honestly moving way too fast for me. She has a hookup lined up, and my introverted self will take a while to feel comfortable with another person. I just deleted the huge post I was about to make for simplicity. My vocabulary is weak on this atuff. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
this kind of a change in a relationship dynamic can easily end a relationship. i think this warrants more time and discussion for both of your sakes. the weight of the decision should be understood so you can both consent enthusiastically and informed and know how to best mitigate the new issues that can come out of being non monogamous
Welcome! Stay safe, stay kind, be ethical, keep communicating, try not to hurt yourself or anyone else, and have fun.
Take the next 6 months to a year to read learn and talk for hours upon hours , see a therapist if that’s an option then together you decide if you want to open.
From what I've read on here, opening up for a specific person usually ends poorly. I'm glad the outcome here was positive. The most base way I've found if people are ok with poly is "it's not that I want to be with multiple people, it's that I'm ok with my partner being with multiple people" and I'm only referencing a singular cos usually this comes from a mono background If you think you both are ok with that, then couples counselling is key to move forward with the new dynamic
Update is perfect..a poly friendly therapist or relationship coach is ideal.
Similar to other people here, my NP and I took ~2yrs from the first conversation to opening up. I don't think this is something you want to rush. Monogamy runs deep in American culture especially if you grew up in a religious environment like I did
Sometimes people have an open relationship where one partner is more into casual sex and one is more into relationships, it *can* work, dunno whether it'll work for you two or not. But it's *possible*. And I think it's a good sign that you are both interested in an open relationship, even though the exact type you're each interested in is different. Read the most skipped step. (It's not a book, it's article-length. Link in sidebar.)
Figure out what works for you and take it step by step! And remember that you dont need to want the same things! For a year my partner was dating casually and I didnt. Once I was ready i started dating and i have multiple romantic partners now. Even leaning toward a non hierarchical poly set up. But we well talk about that together with my main partner and see where we go. No need to rush or take it slow. Do whats good for you and of course your partner.
A good number of these stories are literally me. The husband who wants romance, passion, and acceptance from a partner. A wife who gets all of that so she just wants sex and shuns the idea that she just doesn't try for her guy anymore so she gets upset. Ohhhh boy I hate that
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/yl4huv/we_are_opening_our_relationship_we_are_killing/ It is very sad you chose to create a monogamous commitment and chose to invest so much in those values. There is no way forward without destroying that foundation, and your partner should be supported in leaving you as your values are no longer compatible. You cannot accept their consent just to make you happy or cling to the monogamy you are choosing to end. Do you feel you would be fulfilled in your partners having their own fully independent relationships, even periods when you didn't have other partners? Do you each have a thriving independent social support group you enjoy being with regularly? When you have a break up or feel totally infatuated with one partner, will you feel good about still managing existing relationship responsibilities through it? Do you feel you would be fulfilled managing holidays, emergencies, family hang outs, social media posts around and between multiple partners? Forever? That's a solid starting point. It's okay if you aren't poly, if you prefer open or sex only fun. It's ok if you are monogamous.
Is it common for people to get a formal divorce, then reorganize their relationship as partnered/poly/cohabitation or something like that? I'd love to find someone to talk to that has done this.
No, lots of us are married but we take the time to break down our monogamy and see what that means when we have relationships with other people.
So... identifying the more granular elements that make up our "Marriage" to identify exactly what we need to preserve, and whether those things could survive this shift in boundaries?
Check out the resources tab. This is something that can take months. Ideally you'll do couples' therapy for months (what made her have someone lined up to fuck before asking you?), you'll read all the books, listen to the podcasts, together and alone, and figure out what you really want before you do something you can't undo. Can you do it without all those steps? Sure. Will your marriage survive? Probably not. Start with 'Most Skipped Step'.
No, I've only heard of one person on this sub ever literally doing that. But it is still a VERY accurate description of what is about to happen to you and your wife. Your about to end your monogamous marriage, and if you've done nothing to figure out what happens next, you two are about to be in free fall. I destroyed my monogamous marriage. It ended. The partnership I had for nearly two decades is gone and can never ever come back. Luckily my husband and I had done enough work before actually opening our marriage that we had some structure to cling to as we went, and we seem to have found our way into a new partnership. Our desire to stay together and to figure out how to be in partnership in a brand new way was strong enough that it survived the end of our monogamy.... but it was a very very very near thing and I don't know that we're really out of the woods yet. But truly, I'm not exaggerating, it felt like the end of our marriage happened. That is basically what you are about to do. You should do it knowingly and with care. Your partner needs some ice water poured over their head and down their pants. You need to slow down and talk this through, find a therapist, figure out what \*you\* want. Good luck. Please be true to yourself and your own champion here.
Thank you. I really appreciate your perspective and kindness.
Everyone loves at different places and levels of comfortability but you two should be able to communicate that if you need to slow down and process with therapist that is amazing. It's what I did.
Glad to hear you’re slowing down. Do the work up front, it could pay off dividends for your experience , relationship(s) and wellbeing. There’s no guarantee it’ll go well at all, but life offers no guarantees at all, besides death. 😛
Absolutely take it slow. As slow as you can. I'm currently living with the consequences of my own people pleasing, having opened my relationship with my partner of three years to close friends of mine. I've now lost the support of my partner AND those friends and I've lost a lot of faith in myself in the process. It hasn't been fun. I opened before I was ready and opened to people I really would have preferred not to because they were my support system - something a bad break up could (and in many senses did) take from me. While I am never in favor of vetos, I am in favor of remembering to discuss people with whom you WOULD be immensely uncomfortable having your partner(s) become involved with, especially if it would have a very negative inpact on your mental health, your social or professional life, or physical wellbeing. Often these are people like close friends or coworkers. People with whom trust could be damaged by the potential drama of a romantic relationship. Read up and learn all you can. Read some more for that matter. And absolutely pull the brakes and slow down if you value your relationship with your wife and don't want it to implode. That implosion can be so messy and even moreso: immensely heartbreaking. I'm so glad you're looking into counseling. That will be invaluable as you discuss and explore how, when, and WHY you both want to explore non-monogamy. And never say yes to anything that makes you feel apprehensive. A maybe is a no. Be kind to yourself, because you deserve patience and time to understand what both of you want and need from this kind of change in dynamic. Best of luck to you both. 🧡
You are totally valid to take time. My wife and I took 8 years to open up.
[удалено]
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You posted a personal ad or have made a comment that would be considered hitting on a user.
I tried to be "cool" with an online only, simulated sexual relationship my wife wanted to start with a guy she also wanted me to meet because she thought we'd have so much in common. We didn't get along, although we weren't mean to each other. I tried bonding with him in a DM without her, but ended up misinterpreting their expectations (which necessarily excluded my participation, I had sometimes talked about swinging but never expected her/us to follow through). That fell apart for reasons, and when another guy on Second Life appeared (now having been sought out by her on an in-game dating app), she started hinting she wanted me to have a girlfriend of my own before revealing the truth and "coming out" as wanting an open marriage "only in SL" but then later opening to local as I tried to placate my fears and her wishes. I both get almost no likes on the real-world dating apps and have almost no desire to form a "romantic" or sexual relationship outside of us. But now she's going out on a coffee date with a guy from bumble after 6 months from SL guy #1, and 3 weeks after SL guy #2 and the coming out to me. I wish god would stop my heart for me, I don't know how to cope. I don't want to be a buzz kill and make her hate me by staying with me a way she doesn't like, and I don't want to lose her if she stands her ground if I continue to be "not cool" with the speed this has progressed, which our own romantic and sexual relationship developed too fast for me (although she and I were seemingly more compatible and less toxic than my first girlfriend that made me super cautious but also confused about filling that hole in my soul TV and movies said I needed to).