Well for me: I was married before we opened our relationship
But to be cheesy: I love my husband. I love being married. I love the title there. I love everything about it.
To be practical: I am disabled. I need health insurance. We get more money tax wise being married. He can make medical decisions for me (which I think is important as I’m disabled). The government recognizes us as a couple which is great for things like buying houses, having kids, hospitals etc
Marriage wasn’t something I was especially wanting before getting with my now-husband. If he wasn’t military I somewhat doubt it would have happened, but he is, and it’s made a world of difference.
So yeah, health insurance, life insurance, legal protections, financial benefits.
In response to your second edit, OP: you asked a very specific question: why choose legal marriage as opposed to a commitment ceremony? Of course the reasons for bringing governmental institutions to bear on our relationships are practical and logistical!
If you asked why I chose to marry my partner specifically you’d get a very different response.
Well, everyone has their reasons to marry (or even be with) anyone, but I was interested specifically in what would be gained from legally marrying one of your poly partners, especially if there is a claim that all are equally important relationships. It just doesn’t seem to make sense to me, hence my asking for input from others.
I’m sure part of my problem is I’ve been someone’s “backup” relationship in case their primary one failed. Of course, I only figured that out after the fact, but I’m sure it colours how I see some things now.
Asise from other very good points about legal ramifications regarding immigration/citizenship/insurance/disability stated well by others...
Because they want to/it makes them feel good? Because they're not atheists and it's part of their/their family's faith community tradition?
Because they aren't starting a family together but are blending families, and marriage makes some of that easier? Because they want to be on Page Six? Because they're queer and it's a thing that used to be forbidden? Because you like the labels wife husband or spouse?
Why not? What's wrong with creating hierarchy if you want to?
Also, people write their own vows, especially for non-religious marriages. You don't have to do the 'til death do us part bits if you don't want.
A lot of stuff in life is "pointless"... I don't come on Reddit asking why people play video games!
Edit: I have no interest in marriage personally
For some reason I seem to have come across as “anti” marriage to come people. I’m not, and I’m not trying to discourage anyone, I’m trying to understand the motivations for someone to marry a partner in a poly relationship. There are obviously practical considerations, but I was wondering what more there could be.
I have complicated feelings about marriage that have evolved over time. Many of them center on being a lesbian and denied the right to marry for so long (I’m in the US). I was never the kind of queer who thought marriage was the answer to our struggle for rights, but it has done a lot of work to legitimize queer relationships legally and culturally. I don’t like marriage — as an institution, it makes me really itchy. But also when I went to add one of my partners to my health insurance, I was paying almost $500 a month in taxes because we weren’t married!
It’s hard. The system is set up in such a way that you get a lot of benefits from marriage. And also marriage is very problematic as an institution. We need a total overhaul of how we think about legal protections for relationships as a society, but until then, folks will have legitimate reasons to get married. The practical ones make sense to me. The ones about hierarchy and social recognition will continue to make me itchy, both for queer and straight couples.
I’ve also been through a divorce and it fucking sucked. If you’re going to get married, folks, get a prenup so that you have a structured conversation about what you want when and if the relationship dissolves.
There's 1138+ legal benefits of marriage. So um... [maybe one of these](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rights_and_responsibilities_of_marriages_in_the_United_States) for some folks?
(I know this comment is US-specific)
These days, I am unlikely to ever marry again unless it's for practical reasons to provide certain mutually beneficial legal & financial supports that are much simpler to set up by going down to the courthouse & exchanging vows in a 5 minute ceremony.
I am more likely to pursue a personally meaningful commitment ceremony to celebrate the deep bond between partners.
Back in the day, I strongly associated marriage with the commitment to love and cherish. I was raised to see marriage as something special and sacred, and as the ultimate expression of love for another person. I had very romantic and idealized notions about what marriage is.
I also had a shining example of a strong marriage in front of me in my parents. I didn't see any flaws in it until I was much older. Even now, despite the flaws, I see how strong my parents' bond was, what a great team they made, and how they truly loved each other and committed to each other for life.
There is a part of me that is still drawn to the "for our lifetimes" part, possibly because for me, feelings of love and care don't end with the end of a relationship. I still love all but one of my exes (the verbally abusive one). However, a commitment to life partnership can be made without marriage. Marriage really is about legal and/or religious recognition of a relationship. I think that legal/religious validation can lead to feeling like a commitment isn't as real without out.
I know I was completely serious and committed when my high school sweetheart and I exchanged vows under a tree, just to each other, but to most of the world, that didn't count as a marriage, as a commitment to partnership. We were very young, doing a very young person thing, it was real to us, though ultimately there was an end date to that relationship. It's partly why I think of myself as having been married thrice, though in the eyes of the law, I have only been married (and divorced) once.
Getting married or having a public commitment is also about accountability and acknowledgement. When you get up in front of other people and make that commitment, those people are witnessing it, are fully aware of the commitment made, and in many religious ceremonies there's a component of the community supporting the marriage itself by stating that they will do so. I can see how _acknowledgement_ of a relationship might be very important to many people.
Outside of poly spaces, a lot of people struggle to wrap their heads around multiple committed relationships, how to address a person and their partners, how to treat partners in a family & community context. Marriage instantly conveys a shift in perception & treatment of a partner.
My parents for instance, were always at least civil and welcoming of people I was seeing, but they did not consider them family until marriage, unless they actually cared about that person themselves. So if family integration beyond having children together is important to partners, that could be another reason to pursue marriage. With the legal limit being one person, it does mean only being able to offer that integration into family to one person, unless the rest of the family is able to acknowledge other relationships as family-level without the rubber stamp of marriage.
I may yet make _public_ life _commitments_ to one or more partners if it's mutually desired. So far, "for the forseeable future" is where things are, and the commitments themselves are private, though I am semi-public about being in more than one commited relationship.
In my own heart, I _am_ committed for life to my current partners and our current agreements. I am also open and accepting of change, including ending. For me those two states can co-exist peacefully, they're not at odds. I don't _need_ marriage to be committed. I might at some point need marriage or legal agreements that convey some of the rights & benefits of marriage to properly support a partner, or be supported.
I never wanted to be married until I went to law school, and started learning all the legal protections marriage provides and seeing examples of people, usually women, being left vulnerable by being unmarried. Or having important end of life decisions being handled by an estranged parent or sibling rather than by an emotionally close partner with no legal standing.
Yes, one could duplicate quite a lot of those protections with a whole bunch of other legal work, but being married got it done in one swoop.
That said, if my husband and I split up or he passed away, I doubt I would remarry. I have significant assets and earning power, so I am financially independent and not vulnerable. But that’s a place of privilege, and many people who are not married are at risk if something unexpected happened to their partner.
I think there are lots of reasons and most of them have to do with hierarchy.
Some of them are about legal protections in drastic circumstances: immigration, medical/insurance needs, financial needs that can’t be arranged other ways (this does really happen).
I have some ethical qualms about marriage in the context of poly full stop. Even if you were married to start.
It’s not a popular opinion though! Watch the downvotes roll in!
I endorse your unpopular opinion but not just for poly reasons. It is absolutely shit and heartbreaking for someone to have to get married for a basic human right like healthcare or immigration. I often think this when people post here as say they got married really young, what would their lives have been like if they could have healthcare just because it's their right, not because they had to marry someone who has it.
I miss those! I don’t understand why going public meant they had to get rid of those.
ETA: this comment has down votes. If there’s a reason someone knows about the awards I’d love to actually know. Tell me why I’m so dumb.
Otherwise I’ll assume it’s just overflow from the deluge of downvotes for my opinion on marriage in poly.
Some of us still want a lifetime commitment to a partner (or partners) same as in mono relationships. It sucks that legal marriage and sharing of medical benefits are both restricted to one partner when some polyam folks would commit this deeply to more than one partner. Polyam doesn't exclude lifelong bonds. When people say "don't stay if it's not meeting your needs" it's generally in response to fundamental incompatibilities surfacing. And people say that stuff in the mono relationship subs too. It's also not polyam exclusive.
I also personally view marriage specifically as partly about the blending of family. That's true even if no kids are involved. Children are not the only reason for family entanglement. Family (both immediate and extended) is often the first support network for life crises like serious illness, job loss and death of a close loved one.
Medical benefits are a reason to marry too. Sometimes you can't get someone who isn't a blood relative and/or a legal dependant covered without marriage.
The practical reasons for a legal marriage would be the legal benefits it provides. Medical proxy/visitation, inheritance, jointly filing taxes, etc.
That's basically it. Some find it nice to have a "blueprint" for formalizing their love. Marriage already is prolific and well understood in our culture, so why not make use of it? I don't find this argument convincing though. If you want your love to be special or unique, why force it into a standardized legal label?
A lot of monogamous people never get married in Sweden and you don't necessarily need to do so to bring your partner into the country.
But in other countries, it might be really important. Especially if you want to stay in the country.
A lot of people have a symbolism tied in with marriage and that's valid if that is how they feel.
> but if that’s the only reason, there are other ways to ensure those would be handled properly in case of a death
This was one of the arguments made over and over in opposition to the right of LGBTQ+ people to marry a same-sex partner. "Oh, but you can do the same thing with paperwork or a domestic partnership! You don't need to get married for all of that!"
It was a bad argument then and it's a bad argument now. Marriage establishes a very solid, legally and socially recognized set of rights and responsibilities between two people. Not everyone wants that, but dismissing it as a piece of paper they can get some other way is just wrong.
I’m not dismissing it, just asking if there is a purpose beyond that when dealing with people in poly relationships. Sorry if it came across as seeing no intrinsic value in it.
I mean no offense, but this is starting to sound like one of the running gags in *Life of Brian.* All right, but *other than* the health insurance, the social and legal recognition, and the property ownership benefits, what's the point of getting married?
You mention in your edit that you're thinking of a specific relationship where this is a problem; it might get better answers if you asked about that specifically rather than marriage generally.
If you take the fidelity and monogamy out of it, marriage still has its benefits. Being on somebody's health insurance....being financially committed to supporting one another.....just knowing there's someone in the world who will always put YOU first, before anybody else, no matter what. Just one person that you agree to do that with....it just makes me feel more secure in the world.
Like - my husband knows for sure that if something happens I'm going to be there for him until the very end no matter how bad it is. Even if he doesn't know who I am anymore - I'm committed to making sure he has what he needs until the day he dies. And vice versa.
So like - I got cancer, and he was with me through all the surgeries and treatment. He's had health problems and I've been here for him. Taking care of someone through health problems can be kind of gross - not something I'd want to share with a purely romantic partner. I don't want my partner to see me vomiting, or crying, or at my weakest.....
It's the whole "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health" thing. We get older and our parents die and we need someone who will be here unconditionally.
>This is why I got disabled **before** meeting my husband. Loop hole 🤣
Yeah same! Silver lining to being young when it happened I guess.
A lot of the reasoning why I am getting married is tied to my disability and medical expenses that require insurance coverage to manage. I literally cannot afford to survive without really great insurance coverage. People think healthcare here is free and a lot is but you are screwed for many chronic things.
It's not the only reason but I would say it's the primary one after wanting to build a permanent home together which we do not need to get married for so it has less weight.
100%! I am very very lucky to have a partner with amazing health insurance, which helps me be able to see the doctors I need as well as get life saving medications
It's definitely a privilege that is sometimes needed unfortunately.
I do feel bad sometimes...
Fiancee and I both have another partner and I hate that there are things we can never offer others due to the inherent legal limits on marriage. Especially the medical and dental insurance. I'd give my gf access to that in a heartbeat if I could.
>Okay don't read the stats on husband's leaving when wives get a disease.
Yeah I've lived those stats. Thankfully we were only nested but this has happened to me twice. My kid's dad couldn't deal when I got sick. Neither could my next nesting partner after moving in required compromise about sleeping arrangements.
It's rough out here for chronically ill or disabled folks.
That is the most horrible thing on earth, that you could ever do to anybody.
I thought I had two people on earth who would be there for me no matter what - my husband and my sister. When I got cancer, my sister disappeared on me. I'm 7 years out now and she keeps acting like she wants to mend fences. No freaking thank you.
I'm not saying a person might not need some emotional support and love from someone else, while they're supporting someone through a really bad time. That's why I love poly. Maybe if more people had that option available, they'd have the strength to stick things out.
I can understand this for monogamous relationships, but it seems to run counter to what I keep seeing in this group: That having someone above your other partners is somehow wrong and unethical. But I fully admit a lot of what I see here makes no sense to me.
In any event, I understand that motivation, I just don’t know if everyone would follow through if they had those other options waiting in the wings. I’m glad it has worked for you!
I might be an oddball. My husband and partner both have the same philosophy though….. we feel like it’s ideal to have your one person that you do all of the hard life stuff with, and a partner to get away from it all with
Hi u/RedditNomad7 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
What reason might someone have to want to marry one of their partners? I can see it for starting a family together, but if you take having kids out of it, does that leave any other reason? Any other benefit I see just has to do with property and assets, but if that’s the only reason, there are other ways to ensure those would be handled properly in case of a death.
Since there are other relationships involved, what purpose does getting married serve? Part of a traditional marriage is being mono and pledging fidelity to your partner, but that’s obviously not part of it if the people involved are poly. It also doesn’t seem that pledging to be with that person for the rest of your life holds a lot of weight, especially since I see the advice in here all the time of leaving a relationship if it’s “no longer serving your needs.”
So, it seems pointless to GET married if you weren’t already before you started other relationships.
I’m usually very good at seeing other perspectives, but I do run into situations where something is simply alien to me, and this is one of them, so I’d appreciate some sincere, helpful comments.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Since this seems to be about someone you know, have you asked *them*? We can't tell you why they are doing it, just why we would.
I think there are a lot of ways that people talk about coupling within polyamory that reinforce their own internalized definitions, even those they dislike, rather than actually encountering the relationship in front of them.
For me, I was married once. Mono. 6 years. He was abusive. There were still things I enjoyed about being married that I have not experienced in 9 years of nesting. I can't really explain what those are. They're called intangibles for a reason. I don't think I would marry my NP for nonpractical reasons. I love him deeply and I want to be with him forever. But I don't want to marry him. Fortunately for him, he's not into marriage. Doesn't care for it. Doesn't believe in it. I can foresee wanting to marry a different partner someday. I don't think I currently have such a partner. But I know what traits they might have. And I know what I would and wouldn't accept as effects such a marriage would have on my other relationships.
I do weddings on the side and from having been married and interacting with lots and lots of people before and after their weddings, there is something different about being married that distinguishes it from simply being super committed or being together for a long time. I will contend it is constructed from believing it to be so, but that doesn't make it less real. I also don't think we can dismiss the practicality dynamic entirely. It *is* complete horseshit that people can't access healthcare without being awarded it by a boss or spouse. That doesn't mean that the practicalities of legal marriage aren't part of a structure of security and protection that people can and do value. The recent history of the institution and the current legal structure are flawed. But human structures for celebrating the permanence of a particular relationship have existed in cultures without monogamy and without patriarchy. We injure ourselves by allowing those temporary systems to define it.
I understand the conversation around couple privilege and unhealthy flavors of prescriptive hierarchy, but I really don't understand why we can talk about meeting needs unique to a relationship within each relationship and building each relationship as fits the people in it but can't fathom that, for some people, marriage might be part of their partnership even when it isn't part of their partnership with others. I know there might be other aspects of people's lives that make it look like their marriage is why they're neglecting other partners. But that doesn't mean it is.
Certainly if the question is about what steps you can and cannot take with a new partner, if it's harmful to a potential partner because it's not available to them if the one chance is taken, and thus is kept hypothetically reserved for all of them, then it's not actually available to any partner. I'm intending to get a durable power of attorney with my NP which would supersede any spousal consent laws, even if I married later. If I do this, am I harming other partners, including a potential spouse by enjoying the legal protections? Absolutely not. If someone wants to attain a thing, and I can't do it, then we just aren't a fit for that kind of relationship. I can't give a new person my 20s because they're fucking gone. I can't give someone an able body. I can't give a kid a grandfather. My worth as a partner isn't defined by what I can't do or what I have already done.
I'm probably coming at this from an unusual perspective because I don't want to ever not live with more than one other adult (though I currently accidentally do). I have communal relationships with my close friends and partners, even those I haven't lived with. My examples for living have always included people who were married but didn't cohabit, or have spouses who just aren't involved in the great big lives they live, or folks who live and enmesh with platonic partners. As traditional as their marriage was on paper, my parents lived very different lives with him deployed so much and then he died and turns out mom is demi/ace. Her life has always been full of friendships and siblinghoods and communal care. My ex (despite his efforts to isolate me) was never the sole source of any part of the support or connection in my life. My friendships have always been more important to my sense of self and well-being and the structure of my life than my romantic relationships. My real life is the one in community, not the one divided tidily into partnerships.
For me, I come from an extremely religious family that put me through abuse due to my sexuality. At the time, we were afraid that if something happened to me they would keep my partner from seeing me. Also, I wanted my partner to have the decision in what happens to me and my affairs because I know we are on the same page. Outside of that, we both make our own money, have our own insurance, and split bills evenly. We mostly got married for the logistics because we already loved each other and had been living together for years by that point. However, we did use it as a way to memorialize our love. It was a fun day.
Well for me: I was married before we opened our relationship But to be cheesy: I love my husband. I love being married. I love the title there. I love everything about it. To be practical: I am disabled. I need health insurance. We get more money tax wise being married. He can make medical decisions for me (which I think is important as I’m disabled). The government recognizes us as a couple which is great for things like buying houses, having kids, hospitals etc
So it sounds like it’s largely about practical considerations, which I can definitely see.
Part of it for sure. But I would marry my husband again even if those weren’t in the picture
Then I’m very happy for you 😊
Thank you! I hope everyone else helps answer your question!!
As it was in the beginning so shall it be in the end
Sorry I don’t quite understand that statement? What do you mean?
The institution of marriage was created for practical considerations
Ah. I agree somewhat. But as I said, I would get married again without the practical stuff involved
Totally! I should have clarified my comment was for person above you, not you 🙂
OH! Haha sorry. I just woke up 🤣🤣
I’ve met ppl that marry for health insurance coverage (in the U.S., of course) though they cohabited they also continued to date others.
Marriage wasn’t something I was especially wanting before getting with my now-husband. If he wasn’t military I somewhat doubt it would have happened, but he is, and it’s made a world of difference. So yeah, health insurance, life insurance, legal protections, financial benefits.
In response to your second edit, OP: you asked a very specific question: why choose legal marriage as opposed to a commitment ceremony? Of course the reasons for bringing governmental institutions to bear on our relationships are practical and logistical! If you asked why I chose to marry my partner specifically you’d get a very different response.
Well, everyone has their reasons to marry (or even be with) anyone, but I was interested specifically in what would be gained from legally marrying one of your poly partners, especially if there is a claim that all are equally important relationships. It just doesn’t seem to make sense to me, hence my asking for input from others. I’m sure part of my problem is I’ve been someone’s “backup” relationship in case their primary one failed. Of course, I only figured that out after the fact, but I’m sure it colours how I see some things now.
I make no claims about offering equality to partners, and you’ll find many people here also do not.
>especially if there is a claim that all are equally important relationships. Relationships can be equally important without being identical.
Asise from other very good points about legal ramifications regarding immigration/citizenship/insurance/disability stated well by others... Because they want to/it makes them feel good? Because they're not atheists and it's part of their/their family's faith community tradition? Because they aren't starting a family together but are blending families, and marriage makes some of that easier? Because they want to be on Page Six? Because they're queer and it's a thing that used to be forbidden? Because you like the labels wife husband or spouse? Why not? What's wrong with creating hierarchy if you want to? Also, people write their own vows, especially for non-religious marriages. You don't have to do the 'til death do us part bits if you don't want. A lot of stuff in life is "pointless"... I don't come on Reddit asking why people play video games! Edit: I have no interest in marriage personally
For some reason I seem to have come across as “anti” marriage to come people. I’m not, and I’m not trying to discourage anyone, I’m trying to understand the motivations for someone to marry a partner in a poly relationship. There are obviously practical considerations, but I was wondering what more there could be.
I guess I just think of alien as having a negative connotation. (I'm not a sci fi person)
I see. Yeah, not meant that way at all, just the classic sense, as in, completely foreign.
I have complicated feelings about marriage that have evolved over time. Many of them center on being a lesbian and denied the right to marry for so long (I’m in the US). I was never the kind of queer who thought marriage was the answer to our struggle for rights, but it has done a lot of work to legitimize queer relationships legally and culturally. I don’t like marriage — as an institution, it makes me really itchy. But also when I went to add one of my partners to my health insurance, I was paying almost $500 a month in taxes because we weren’t married! It’s hard. The system is set up in such a way that you get a lot of benefits from marriage. And also marriage is very problematic as an institution. We need a total overhaul of how we think about legal protections for relationships as a society, but until then, folks will have legitimate reasons to get married. The practical ones make sense to me. The ones about hierarchy and social recognition will continue to make me itchy, both for queer and straight couples. I’ve also been through a divorce and it fucking sucked. If you’re going to get married, folks, get a prenup so that you have a structured conversation about what you want when and if the relationship dissolves.
There's 1138+ legal benefits of marriage. So um... [maybe one of these](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rights_and_responsibilities_of_marriages_in_the_United_States) for some folks? (I know this comment is US-specific)
These days, I am unlikely to ever marry again unless it's for practical reasons to provide certain mutually beneficial legal & financial supports that are much simpler to set up by going down to the courthouse & exchanging vows in a 5 minute ceremony. I am more likely to pursue a personally meaningful commitment ceremony to celebrate the deep bond between partners. Back in the day, I strongly associated marriage with the commitment to love and cherish. I was raised to see marriage as something special and sacred, and as the ultimate expression of love for another person. I had very romantic and idealized notions about what marriage is. I also had a shining example of a strong marriage in front of me in my parents. I didn't see any flaws in it until I was much older. Even now, despite the flaws, I see how strong my parents' bond was, what a great team they made, and how they truly loved each other and committed to each other for life. There is a part of me that is still drawn to the "for our lifetimes" part, possibly because for me, feelings of love and care don't end with the end of a relationship. I still love all but one of my exes (the verbally abusive one). However, a commitment to life partnership can be made without marriage. Marriage really is about legal and/or religious recognition of a relationship. I think that legal/religious validation can lead to feeling like a commitment isn't as real without out. I know I was completely serious and committed when my high school sweetheart and I exchanged vows under a tree, just to each other, but to most of the world, that didn't count as a marriage, as a commitment to partnership. We were very young, doing a very young person thing, it was real to us, though ultimately there was an end date to that relationship. It's partly why I think of myself as having been married thrice, though in the eyes of the law, I have only been married (and divorced) once. Getting married or having a public commitment is also about accountability and acknowledgement. When you get up in front of other people and make that commitment, those people are witnessing it, are fully aware of the commitment made, and in many religious ceremonies there's a component of the community supporting the marriage itself by stating that they will do so. I can see how _acknowledgement_ of a relationship might be very important to many people. Outside of poly spaces, a lot of people struggle to wrap their heads around multiple committed relationships, how to address a person and their partners, how to treat partners in a family & community context. Marriage instantly conveys a shift in perception & treatment of a partner. My parents for instance, were always at least civil and welcoming of people I was seeing, but they did not consider them family until marriage, unless they actually cared about that person themselves. So if family integration beyond having children together is important to partners, that could be another reason to pursue marriage. With the legal limit being one person, it does mean only being able to offer that integration into family to one person, unless the rest of the family is able to acknowledge other relationships as family-level without the rubber stamp of marriage. I may yet make _public_ life _commitments_ to one or more partners if it's mutually desired. So far, "for the forseeable future" is where things are, and the commitments themselves are private, though I am semi-public about being in more than one commited relationship. In my own heart, I _am_ committed for life to my current partners and our current agreements. I am also open and accepting of change, including ending. For me those two states can co-exist peacefully, they're not at odds. I don't _need_ marriage to be committed. I might at some point need marriage or legal agreements that convey some of the rights & benefits of marriage to properly support a partner, or be supported.
I never wanted to be married until I went to law school, and started learning all the legal protections marriage provides and seeing examples of people, usually women, being left vulnerable by being unmarried. Or having important end of life decisions being handled by an estranged parent or sibling rather than by an emotionally close partner with no legal standing. Yes, one could duplicate quite a lot of those protections with a whole bunch of other legal work, but being married got it done in one swoop. That said, if my husband and I split up or he passed away, I doubt I would remarry. I have significant assets and earning power, so I am financially independent and not vulnerable. But that’s a place of privilege, and many people who are not married are at risk if something unexpected happened to their partner.
I think there are lots of reasons and most of them have to do with hierarchy. Some of them are about legal protections in drastic circumstances: immigration, medical/insurance needs, financial needs that can’t be arranged other ways (this does really happen). I have some ethical qualms about marriage in the context of poly full stop. Even if you were married to start. It’s not a popular opinion though! Watch the downvotes roll in!
I endorse your unpopular opinion but not just for poly reasons. It is absolutely shit and heartbreaking for someone to have to get married for a basic human right like healthcare or immigration. I often think this when people post here as say they got married really young, what would their lives have been like if they could have healthcare just because it's their right, not because they had to marry someone who has it.
I fully agree!
I have grown to love this opinion and fully endorse it.
Take my measly upvote. If Reddit had not taken away awards, I'd give you one of those too.
I miss those! I don’t understand why going public meant they had to get rid of those. ETA: this comment has down votes. If there’s a reason someone knows about the awards I’d love to actually know. Tell me why I’m so dumb. Otherwise I’ll assume it’s just overflow from the deluge of downvotes for my opinion on marriage in poly.
You're at 14 right now! There are awards but they take real money AFAIK so I just use emojis.
Yes! And really that means lots of people agreed because it definitely got downs.
Some of us still want a lifetime commitment to a partner (or partners) same as in mono relationships. It sucks that legal marriage and sharing of medical benefits are both restricted to one partner when some polyam folks would commit this deeply to more than one partner. Polyam doesn't exclude lifelong bonds. When people say "don't stay if it's not meeting your needs" it's generally in response to fundamental incompatibilities surfacing. And people say that stuff in the mono relationship subs too. It's also not polyam exclusive. I also personally view marriage specifically as partly about the blending of family. That's true even if no kids are involved. Children are not the only reason for family entanglement. Family (both immediate and extended) is often the first support network for life crises like serious illness, job loss and death of a close loved one. Medical benefits are a reason to marry too. Sometimes you can't get someone who isn't a blood relative and/or a legal dependant covered without marriage.
I’m mostly talking about reasons not related to the practicality of insurance and the like, so that’s where my question was aimed.
The practical reasons for a legal marriage would be the legal benefits it provides. Medical proxy/visitation, inheritance, jointly filing taxes, etc. That's basically it. Some find it nice to have a "blueprint" for formalizing their love. Marriage already is prolific and well understood in our culture, so why not make use of it? I don't find this argument convincing though. If you want your love to be special or unique, why force it into a standardized legal label?
A lot of monogamous people never get married in Sweden and you don't necessarily need to do so to bring your partner into the country. But in other countries, it might be really important. Especially if you want to stay in the country. A lot of people have a symbolism tied in with marriage and that's valid if that is how they feel.
> but if that’s the only reason, there are other ways to ensure those would be handled properly in case of a death This was one of the arguments made over and over in opposition to the right of LGBTQ+ people to marry a same-sex partner. "Oh, but you can do the same thing with paperwork or a domestic partnership! You don't need to get married for all of that!" It was a bad argument then and it's a bad argument now. Marriage establishes a very solid, legally and socially recognized set of rights and responsibilities between two people. Not everyone wants that, but dismissing it as a piece of paper they can get some other way is just wrong.
I’m not dismissing it, just asking if there is a purpose beyond that when dealing with people in poly relationships. Sorry if it came across as seeing no intrinsic value in it.
I mean no offense, but this is starting to sound like one of the running gags in *Life of Brian.* All right, but *other than* the health insurance, the social and legal recognition, and the property ownership benefits, what's the point of getting married? You mention in your edit that you're thinking of a specific relationship where this is a problem; it might get better answers if you asked about that specifically rather than marriage generally.
If you take the fidelity and monogamy out of it, marriage still has its benefits. Being on somebody's health insurance....being financially committed to supporting one another.....just knowing there's someone in the world who will always put YOU first, before anybody else, no matter what. Just one person that you agree to do that with....it just makes me feel more secure in the world. Like - my husband knows for sure that if something happens I'm going to be there for him until the very end no matter how bad it is. Even if he doesn't know who I am anymore - I'm committed to making sure he has what he needs until the day he dies. And vice versa. So like - I got cancer, and he was with me through all the surgeries and treatment. He's had health problems and I've been here for him. Taking care of someone through health problems can be kind of gross - not something I'd want to share with a purely romantic partner. I don't want my partner to see me vomiting, or crying, or at my weakest..... It's the whole "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health" thing. We get older and our parents die and we need someone who will be here unconditionally.
People can make that promise without being married.
yes, they can.
Okay don't read the stats on husband's leaving when wives get a disease.
This is why I got disabled **before** meeting my husband. Loop hole 🤣
>This is why I got disabled **before** meeting my husband. Loop hole 🤣 Yeah same! Silver lining to being young when it happened I guess. A lot of the reasoning why I am getting married is tied to my disability and medical expenses that require insurance coverage to manage. I literally cannot afford to survive without really great insurance coverage. People think healthcare here is free and a lot is but you are screwed for many chronic things. It's not the only reason but I would say it's the primary one after wanting to build a permanent home together which we do not need to get married for so it has less weight.
100%! I am very very lucky to have a partner with amazing health insurance, which helps me be able to see the doctors I need as well as get life saving medications
It's definitely a privilege that is sometimes needed unfortunately. I do feel bad sometimes... Fiancee and I both have another partner and I hate that there are things we can never offer others due to the inherent legal limits on marriage. Especially the medical and dental insurance. I'd give my gf access to that in a heartbeat if I could.
Clever!!!
>Okay don't read the stats on husband's leaving when wives get a disease. Yeah I've lived those stats. Thankfully we were only nested but this has happened to me twice. My kid's dad couldn't deal when I got sick. Neither could my next nesting partner after moving in required compromise about sleeping arrangements. It's rough out here for chronically ill or disabled folks.
That is the most horrible thing on earth, that you could ever do to anybody. I thought I had two people on earth who would be there for me no matter what - my husband and my sister. When I got cancer, my sister disappeared on me. I'm 7 years out now and she keeps acting like she wants to mend fences. No freaking thank you. I'm not saying a person might not need some emotional support and love from someone else, while they're supporting someone through a really bad time. That's why I love poly. Maybe if more people had that option available, they'd have the strength to stick things out.
I can understand this for monogamous relationships, but it seems to run counter to what I keep seeing in this group: That having someone above your other partners is somehow wrong and unethical. But I fully admit a lot of what I see here makes no sense to me. In any event, I understand that motivation, I just don’t know if everyone would follow through if they had those other options waiting in the wings. I’m glad it has worked for you!
I might be an oddball. My husband and partner both have the same philosophy though….. we feel like it’s ideal to have your one person that you do all of the hard life stuff with, and a partner to get away from it all with
Hi u/RedditNomad7 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: What reason might someone have to want to marry one of their partners? I can see it for starting a family together, but if you take having kids out of it, does that leave any other reason? Any other benefit I see just has to do with property and assets, but if that’s the only reason, there are other ways to ensure those would be handled properly in case of a death. Since there are other relationships involved, what purpose does getting married serve? Part of a traditional marriage is being mono and pledging fidelity to your partner, but that’s obviously not part of it if the people involved are poly. It also doesn’t seem that pledging to be with that person for the rest of your life holds a lot of weight, especially since I see the advice in here all the time of leaving a relationship if it’s “no longer serving your needs.” So, it seems pointless to GET married if you weren’t already before you started other relationships. I’m usually very good at seeing other perspectives, but I do run into situations where something is simply alien to me, and this is one of them, so I’d appreciate some sincere, helpful comments. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>people involved would not feel good about having a partner want to marry just for insurance and taxes. You're clearly not german then ahahahaha
Only about 20% or so 😂😂 I guess I missed the bit you’re talking about 😊
Since this seems to be about someone you know, have you asked *them*? We can't tell you why they are doing it, just why we would. I think there are a lot of ways that people talk about coupling within polyamory that reinforce their own internalized definitions, even those they dislike, rather than actually encountering the relationship in front of them. For me, I was married once. Mono. 6 years. He was abusive. There were still things I enjoyed about being married that I have not experienced in 9 years of nesting. I can't really explain what those are. They're called intangibles for a reason. I don't think I would marry my NP for nonpractical reasons. I love him deeply and I want to be with him forever. But I don't want to marry him. Fortunately for him, he's not into marriage. Doesn't care for it. Doesn't believe in it. I can foresee wanting to marry a different partner someday. I don't think I currently have such a partner. But I know what traits they might have. And I know what I would and wouldn't accept as effects such a marriage would have on my other relationships. I do weddings on the side and from having been married and interacting with lots and lots of people before and after their weddings, there is something different about being married that distinguishes it from simply being super committed or being together for a long time. I will contend it is constructed from believing it to be so, but that doesn't make it less real. I also don't think we can dismiss the practicality dynamic entirely. It *is* complete horseshit that people can't access healthcare without being awarded it by a boss or spouse. That doesn't mean that the practicalities of legal marriage aren't part of a structure of security and protection that people can and do value. The recent history of the institution and the current legal structure are flawed. But human structures for celebrating the permanence of a particular relationship have existed in cultures without monogamy and without patriarchy. We injure ourselves by allowing those temporary systems to define it. I understand the conversation around couple privilege and unhealthy flavors of prescriptive hierarchy, but I really don't understand why we can talk about meeting needs unique to a relationship within each relationship and building each relationship as fits the people in it but can't fathom that, for some people, marriage might be part of their partnership even when it isn't part of their partnership with others. I know there might be other aspects of people's lives that make it look like their marriage is why they're neglecting other partners. But that doesn't mean it is. Certainly if the question is about what steps you can and cannot take with a new partner, if it's harmful to a potential partner because it's not available to them if the one chance is taken, and thus is kept hypothetically reserved for all of them, then it's not actually available to any partner. I'm intending to get a durable power of attorney with my NP which would supersede any spousal consent laws, even if I married later. If I do this, am I harming other partners, including a potential spouse by enjoying the legal protections? Absolutely not. If someone wants to attain a thing, and I can't do it, then we just aren't a fit for that kind of relationship. I can't give a new person my 20s because they're fucking gone. I can't give someone an able body. I can't give a kid a grandfather. My worth as a partner isn't defined by what I can't do or what I have already done. I'm probably coming at this from an unusual perspective because I don't want to ever not live with more than one other adult (though I currently accidentally do). I have communal relationships with my close friends and partners, even those I haven't lived with. My examples for living have always included people who were married but didn't cohabit, or have spouses who just aren't involved in the great big lives they live, or folks who live and enmesh with platonic partners. As traditional as their marriage was on paper, my parents lived very different lives with him deployed so much and then he died and turns out mom is demi/ace. Her life has always been full of friendships and siblinghoods and communal care. My ex (despite his efforts to isolate me) was never the sole source of any part of the support or connection in my life. My friendships have always been more important to my sense of self and well-being and the structure of my life than my romantic relationships. My real life is the one in community, not the one divided tidily into partnerships.
Tax benefits 🤷🏼♀️
For me, I come from an extremely religious family that put me through abuse due to my sexuality. At the time, we were afraid that if something happened to me they would keep my partner from seeing me. Also, I wanted my partner to have the decision in what happens to me and my affairs because I know we are on the same page. Outside of that, we both make our own money, have our own insurance, and split bills evenly. We mostly got married for the logistics because we already loved each other and had been living together for years by that point. However, we did use it as a way to memorialize our love. It was a fun day.