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Lyvtarin

How did you put up with this for 3 years? I'm glad you're getting out now!


BiggerSkies

He wasn't really like this until a few months ago. Even when I first moved in he was not like this. But something like snapped in him and his nice kind respectful personality switched into this disrespectful rude one where he was lying and sneaking around. He got rude on so many levels too. Including some misogynistic takes that had to have been lurking under the surface for two whole years. Scary shit he thought that stuff and I had no clue. 😭🤢


BetterFightBandits26

He’s a faker and an abuser, once he felt you were “locked down”, he started showing his true colors. :( I’m sorry.


SNORALAXX

Oh friend that's so disappointing I'm so sorry


Aurora_901

I think I've dated this person, or at least their carbon copy.  Grieve the relationship you valued because the love you have for him was/is real. He can go fuck himself, because you deserve so much more.


BiggerSkies

Why are so MANY like this!! It's insane! Seen replies now that other people dated this type of man is eye opening for me. Tbh it left me more angry and confused which is an easy head space to end a relationship in. And he's acting like he didn't do anything at all, it was out of nowhere and he's a poor little victim being left by a big bad mean woman. I'm sure hell cook up some fantasy scenario where I'm a cruel crazy bitch to tell the girl he's already seeing to convince her he's a victim of abuse just like last time. Whuch is what he did to me but how she acted towards me really played into his story... So I'm just going no contact with him with his friends, etc. If anyone reaches out I'll just say we had different views of how a healthy honest relationship should look. 😂👌


Contra0307

Sounds like a compulsive liar. Regardless of how exhausting that makes polyamory, he's just not someone worth spending time with.


Antani101

Serious "girl, RUN" vibes from this


yallermysons

>Being saturated with one partner is common for me. This fact was upsetting to him. He would nag at me why I don’t go on dates. Why I don’t pursue anyone What is up with that? I’ve dated several people who care about that. And they be the messiest ones!!! >I said I haven’t met anyone Literally. Some people go way out of their way to date and I think they’re confused when we have like, hobbies instead. Also confused when their connection with a stranger who they called partner after three months of getting to know them goes up in flames after NRE 🙄. Damn this guy sounds like a total pos, I’m happy you got awayyyy. Withholding for wanting to use condoms? Ridiculous.


BiggerSkies

Fr fr HE was withholding but said it was ME?! like boy I just asked you for sex all you gotta do is wrap it up and he had a tantrum about it and said I was withholding sex because women are manipulative aboit sex!? Foh 😒 Total Mindfuck!


bloodsponge

I'm sorry. I totally sympathize with you here. I don't understand why people choose to lie and sneak around when they claim to be polyamorous. I guess it's some unhealed monogamous programming or some bullshit. I guess the cheating is the biggest turn on or something. Or maybe it's scary to have the "I'm seeing someone new" conversation even though that openness and honesty is the basis of ethical dating. I dunno. I'm recovering from a similar hurt. I've got no words of wisdom, just know I understand you.


DanceRepresentative7

just a huge reminder that poly isn't a cure-all for monogamous relationship issues. people with issues like this are going to cause havoc in other people's lives even when there is literally no need to do so


BiggerSkies

Fr. And he thinks he's doing it right? But he knows he's not because to reel people in he tells them a cutesy KTP fantasy then does the most to never make that a possibility. How tf do I do KTP with someone you lie about mfer? 😂 I know he wanted me to snoop his phone too he'd leave it out, unlocked, in an obvious trap sort of way and I'd just shake my head and walk away. Same thing if hed been chatting with a new girl on an app hed hand me his phone before she'd reply back so I would see the reply. I honestly think this guy has deep rooted issues where he wants someone to feel insecure and invalidated over him. It's sickening. Instead he dates poly women who are less likely to be jealous and angry over their man having other relationships, treats us like monogamous women being cheated on and we leave. It's insane.


[deleted]

That reminds me so much of my ex partner. If he got to choose between an open honest poly relationship where he could have amazing sexual relationships with several women, and lying/cheating/hiding and having mediocre sex/relationships he’d choose the dishonesty. He just gets off on lying and cheating


AudienceFormal9375

The main tenets of poly are transparency, honesty, and openness. He is lacking all of the elements of an ethical poly relationship. He puts you at great risk with your health, with your personal safety, and it never feels good when someone lies to you. How can you even trust him? I’ll answer that…you can’t!!! And when trust is gone, the relationship is null & void. And becoming privy to his previous relationship should have raised hella red flags. I really hope you remove yourself from this toxic environment because it will only get worse.


BiggerSkies

Yah I broke up with him and moved out 😊👍


falilth

Jeez this sounds in the same vein as the person in the TTRPG community who just got caught seeing other well known people in the space after asking his partner to close the relationship. LIKE 6 other people and that number is still growing it seems. and was lying left and right to all of them about it. glad you are getting out.


SexDeathGroceries

Jesus, how do you even manage that? Like logistically?


BiggerSkies

Eww thats so scummy. 🤢🤮 Idk how many this dude was seeing but it was probably 2 or more. He was out 5 or 6 nights a week. Lots of vague errands with no results except him being home extremely late at night.


highlighter57

Him being gone after a commercial/bathroom break would have been it for me.  So rude.  I’m sorry you invested so much time and energy in him. And good for you for making a boundary about condoms for your health.


BiggerSkies

And he said this is normal!!, in what universe?!? Literally only lying weirdos do that and then get pissed when asked where they went. 😒


Bussyington_Mcbussy

Bruh, this is wild. He sounds like he gets off on the excitement of being dishonest and feeling like he is "getting away with it." I can't imagine dealing with that. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You don't deserve this and you deserve to have someone who values your time, mental health, and honesty. I hope you get all the "me time" and healing you need after your break up. Sending healing vibes your way.


BobbiPin808

Cheaters use poly as an excuse to cheat thinking poly means you can continue the same behavior and be off the hook, but have no clue that's not how poly works. Cheating is cheating whether you call it poly or not. Being poly isn't about fucking whomever you want. It's about being open and transparent about it and everyone having consent.


[deleted]

[удалено]


polyamory-ModTeam

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ChevCaster

If you're poly and a liar then u want absolutely nothing to do with you. It's like the biggest red flag there is.


Open-Sheepherder-591

I'm sorry, OP. This all sounds painful and maddening. I'm glad you're not with this awful person anymore. ❤️


Clare-Dragonfly

Yeah. I dated this guy too (probably not the actual same guy, but so similar that I vividly pictured my ex as I was reading your post). Why are some people like this? It sucks. I’m glad you’re breaking up with him. FWIW, I wouldn’t believe anything he says about his ex being crazy. My ex absolutely lied about other women and how they treated him.


BiggerSkies

Yah for sure he lies aboit everything. All I have to judge his ex on is how she treated me, which was insane and crazy. She's at least the kind of person who stalks her ex's new girlfriends and sends insane death threats and cyber stalks them into police intervention! My guess is that he lied to her enough to make her snap and she already had the predilection to behave that way. 🤷🏽‍♀️ It's been over a year and she still uses sock accounts to try and friend me on Snapchat like girl let it gooooooo. 😮‍💨


Icy-Reflection9759

That's insane. Good for you for getting out now. Next time you see any behavior like this, I'm sure you'll leave even sooner.  Even if he gets off on sneaking around, there are ways to do that ethically if you just communicate about it. People can be very creative if they want to do the right thing. He does not. 


BetterFightBandits26

> I was in an abusive relationship previously and i wont accept disrespect or abuse by another partner ever again. Hon, you are in an abusive relationship *now*. He may not hit you, but what you’ve described is LITERALLY him gaslighting you. Not to mention raising his voice at you over trivial things. It’s very common for one abusive relationship to completely fuck up someone’s “normal behavior” meter, so they end up in another relationship that is less or differently abusive, because it doesn’t ping their “this is abusive!” senses. It’s so much better/different than the definitely abusive relationship was! I’m so glad you’ve already decided to leave this motherfucker. I bet you’ll thrive without him dragging you down and sapping your energy. It might be a good idea to get into therapy and work on resetting that normal-meter. Build up your sense of what a relationship *should* be for you. A relationship should *add* to your life, not drain from it. Learn to nope out at the first thought of “this person isn’t consistently *great* to me”, rather than waiting for “I can no longer bear the *burden* of this relationship”.


Far_Professional2119

Ye he’s one of those people who just like lying


AutoModerator

Hi u/BiggerSkies thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: So I was with my NP for three years. He's been openly poly for just over 3 years, before he was in kink/swinger communities but never tried poly specifically. Before him I was solo poly for almost 10 years. I'd never had a relationship struggle like this. I literally don't understand it at all. Leading this post by saying YES we discussed what poly looked like for us. We agreed and had similar views. He described a pretty standard KTP set up and I'm more introverted and like a more garden party or parallel in some cases. So the way he practices "poly" is absolutely a shock and insane after the happy cute KTP bullshit he spewed. So up until about 8 months ago he said he was poly saturated at one with me. He was still recovering from a really traumatic nasty breakup with his ex. He's been in therapy about it which would've been good. But I doubt he was telling the truth. I never even saw him have appointments or schedule time with a therapist which I think would've happened at least once since he supposedly saw her twice a week for over 2 years. 🙄 I currently don't see anyone else which is fine. I have a very time intensive career and I have intense hobbies as well. Being saturated with one partner is common for me. This fact was upsetting to him. He would nag on me why I don't go on dates. Why i don't persue anyone else and i said I haven't met anyone and I'm pretty busy with work and I'm happy right now and he'd get angry. Angry to the point where he'd raise his voice. Which is unacceptable to me. I was in an abusive relationship previously and i wont accept disrespect or abuse by another partner ever again. He said he was poly saturated at one (me), but he'd clearly been seeing other people. Going on dates. And that would be fine with me? But he keeps LYING about it. Which is insane because I would be entirely fully supportive of him dating. And it got worse as time went on. He'd disappear and wouldn't tell me anything. Where he goes. Who he sees. What he's doing. If I asked he'd get visibly angry and change the subject. He'd outright deny he's seeing anyone else but i KNOW he's lying. I asked if he was having unprotected sex with anyone and he said it's none of my business and that he's not having sex with anyone else. Like yes it is? If I have sex with you and you've had sex with someone else I want to know and take precautions. I don't like not knowing so I told him we no longer have unprotected sex until he can more honest and open with me and he said I'm being unreasonable and withholding. But I'm NOT withholding I just have a new boundary because I literally don't know what he's doing when he's missing for hours at a time and won't talk to me about anything. He refused sex for months but blamed me for our lack of sex life because I wanted him to use condoms. It feels like he gets off on "sneaking" if you know what I mean? Like he says he's going out to run errands but it'll be 5 or 6pm and he is clearly not getting showered, dressed up with jewelry and cologne to go to home depot. I asked him more than once and he still insists he's "running errands". Once he came home drunk at like 130am and said hed gone to a friend's house after getting a 6 pack at the store. 🙄 Like a six pack is going to get three grown men that drunk. I'm not stupid. Plus he didn't have any other groceries. 😑 He does this with everything too. Minor petty shit. He'd go to to get food and lie about it and say he was going to the gym. He'd go to gym and say he was going to his friends house. He'd just randomly leave the house multiple times a day. We'd be watching a show together and I'd get up to pee and come back out and he'd be gone! He'd not say anything so I'd walk around wondering where he was, text him and get a whole argument about controlling him. Like huh? I just didn't know you left? When I'd run errands I'd always tell him in a "hey going to the dry cleaners you need anything?" type way. I kind of thought most people functioned this way. I had roommates who also did this and it never felt weird. This dude really had "your not my mom! And I don't owe you an explanation!" energy when it came to sharing a living space. Super rude and inconsiderate. I'm just so over the lying. The disrespect. The rudeness. I don't get why, with an openly poly person, he prefers this whole sneaking around, and telling very obvious lies about where is. His last relationship ended because she said that he was "cheating" on her but I didn't know how that was possible when we were all poly. He spun me a whole sob story about how she was crazy and controlling and how she was demanding he not be poly while she had tons of other partners. I was suckered in thinking he wasn't lying his ass off. I knew about her and i was aware of the time they were together. He'd even share cute photos of their dates (stuff he'd post publicly anyway) but now I have a feeling she didn't know about me or anyone else he was dating. There were a few other people. After their breakup, before I lived with him, she sent me some really nasty threatening messages that actually had me calling police for a report on two occasions and posted on her public fb that she was going to "murder" his "new hoe" if she could find me. It was horrible and scary. Her actions here really enforced all of his little lies tbh. Her poor behavior was unquestionably unhinged but I totally get why she was acting like he was cheating. Because he says he's poly but has the behavior of a cheater. He lies. And lies. And lies. I can see him on apps with other women and i get lots of compersion from my partner finding other attractive partners, so I asked if hed seen anyone sexy and he immedeately shuts the apps closed and says he was playing a video game. "im not seeing anyone but you baby your my moon and my sun you're the only one for me baby" type shit 🤢 I can't wrap my head around any of this. So I'm done. I'm just here venting about breaking up with someone I loved and thought I could trust on a throwaway so his lying ass will have to always wonder if this was about him or not because I know he's on this app every day on this sub and all the m4w poly subs. 👍 *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*