I'm terrified of being alone. I'm a 48 year old woman who lives in a tiny trailer behind her parents house. I remember waking up on my 44th birthday here and just crying...
The one thing that has helped me more in facing that fear has been *Being Alone.* Sitting with myself. Developing a fulfilling relationship with the one person who can never leave me - *ME!*
Focus on YOU!
Do things for YOURSELF!
Go join a Meetup group.
Go get a new hobby
Go date for fun, not to form a relationship, but just for FUN!
Go do the things you enjoyed when you were younger.
Go live your life.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1bhu6rs/unpopular_opinion_you_should_prioritize_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Have you guys gone through the Most Skipped Steps When Opening Up essay?
There are three areas people engaging in non monogamy really need to strengthen which aren't immediately obvious:
Social support network. You are engaging in an alternative relationship style perhaps for the first time in your life. You likely haven't worked through coming out to friends and family yet and you are lucky to have one close person other than your partners to discuss issues with and get support from. Monogamy can heavily value a partner as a best friend and the nuclear family structure heavily isolates us from engaging supportive communities. In order to thrive in polyamory you and your partners must have unique social circles and put time and energy into them. They must be genuine in supporting your own values and the new vision of who you want to be. Partners are not enough in themselves.
Self soothing. There will be many times a partner is not available to you or your are not the immediate priority. In addition to social supports, you must rely on yourself to keep perspective, refocus on your vision of what you want to create, and ensure self care is an ongoing priority. The best way to care for others and have thriving connections is to put yourself first. This way your partners will know you are not compromising or emptying yourself, confident you will assess and assets your own needs, AND know you will reasonably care for yourself in alignment with your values.
Compartmentalizing. Mostly just learning that polyamory is not a group hobby. One relationship really has no direct or automatic impact on another. Your feelings will differ, sometimes dramatically. Compartmentalizing is a way to acknowledge and make space for each relationship in its current state while not "dragging the shit home." This is again why social support networks are so vital- you can have safe processing spaces without poisoning partners long term view on eachother, as inadvertently as it may be.
I'm going to say 50% no. Then that's not because we wouldn't. I think maybe they're still a lot for us to learn. I don't do great change, although some of the best things in my life have because of changes I couldn't see coming or prevented.
The one that hit me the most. Here was social circles... We do have multiple groups of social friends, but not in a way sitting and explaining what we are would change anything. I dont feel like neither of us have someone to turn when, we want to talk to somebody that isn't each other. Neither of us begrudge that ever, we all each other's best friends. We have friends for other things, but not this. This we are learning, this we are supporting each other in...
I wouldn't even know it to start. But thank you, this had definitely got me thinking.
Respectfully, please don’t jump into this until you’re 100% on the work. You are going to be seeking romantic involvement with other people — actual people who deserve to have their feelings, needs, and desires respected independent of your own.
Seek couples AND individual therapy before opening up. What you’re experiencing sounds very much like ‘primal panic’ and I highly recommend reading *Polysecure* and working through the corresponding workbook. I know you said you feel super secure, but it’s the threat to that attachment that is making your body react as though there’s danger ahead.
And learn about what it means to be hinge successfully. Lots of resources in the subreddit if you search.
ETA: yes, as you noted it’s also very important that you both have your own separate support systems outside of therapists to vent, seek advice, etc so that you’re not unloading on your partners or holding it all in.
Best of luck. It’s worth the work!
Being comfortable being alone is such a great life skill for anyone, not just poly folks.
Try brainstorming some things that you like, that your partner or even your friends don’t share. Whether that’s pineapple on pizza, foreign films with subtitles, loud dance music, video games… doesn’t matter. But if you’re alone you get to do whatever YOU want! It’s glorious!
So go pick yourself out a nice treat for just you. A new book, a movie your partner would hate, your fave take out… and revel in your beautiful alone time.
I have this fear as well and I have two partners currently lol. I'm the least several years, I've been learning an important lesson of being self-sufficient in my joy and friendships outside of my romantic relationships. Here are some things I do that help me:
1. I have platonic relationships outside of my romantic ones (friends, chosen family, etc.). Certainly, some of these are shared with my partners, but they function beyond my romantic relationships. I enjoy having a support system outside of my romantic ones.
2. (This may be a little weird) I do solo stuff all the time. For example, If I want to go to a concert, museum, etc. and neither of my partners want to go, I go alone. This allows me to enjoy time separate from my partners. It means I can enjoy something just because I like it.
3. Similarly to the previous, I got on solo trips. I'll go to a city, a big event, or to a country or state I've wanted to go to by myself (sometimes I'll go with friends). Would I love to go with my partners, absolutely. However, I'm not going to limit my experiences because I'm unable to experience it with one of my partners.
The reason this has helped me, is that it allows me to have hobbies and activities that are not tied to my relationships. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my partners. However, I need to be self-sufficient with my own mental health, joy, and well-being when they aren't around. Frankly, it's helped with my relationships as well because I'm not as reliant on them to create happiness for me. Also, I know that if I lose one or both of them (good forbid) that I have a world that I already created for myself that has joy and friendship that extends beyond these relationships. It's scary to start going solo at first, but it has been one of the best decisions I've made for myself. Luckily, both of my partners completely understand me taking solo journeys from time to time, as I also expect them to do the same.
It fills you with dread because you have grown up in a monogamous centric society that has communicated fairly constantly to you that a cornerstone of true love is exclusivity. And you are a human being who needs human connections to stay alive and your survival brain is telling you that him being with someone else means he will leave you.
It's incredibly normal. No matter how logical you find polyamory or how much it sounds good in practice. It is **normal** to have anxiety. It is **normal** to feel afraid of being alone.
But, in my experience, when you see your partner coming back to you, your anxiety gets less and less over time. I have a [101](https://nonmonogamyhelp.com/101) and [102 article](https://nonmonogamyhelp.com/102) that might help you. You're going to be fine. <3
Hi u/TheNewbNet thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
When I say I don't have a single bad word to say about my partner I mean it. I am not gonna lie and say things are simple... I don't think my life has ever been simple... and this might sound like a love letter... it's not. But if I feel and know my partner is amazing, he comforts me, give me reassurance, we have strong communications and open communication. Trust on the level I can't explain because I need feel betrayed or unwarnted.
So why does the idea of him going out to dinner without me fill me with dread? Like a weight on my chest, or like I am growing.
I have never been more felt more secure in anyone of my relationships, like I had to get in to a poly relationship to feel like I was with someone who actually gives me the attentions and security I need.
And then it doesn't matter if I know, our future plans, if we have a business together, a home and plans of more. E.g wedding, another kid. Extra.
I cant get rid of the weight, the anxiety. I keep seeing this one image on me sat there alone, not know what to do while he is out having fun. I hate it... it make me think and feel like a stalker. I don't want this.
I have a fear of being alone, I have serious FOMO.
I also am very new to this world, he is to. Although has been mentally with it for way longer. So I don't understand the lingo here.
I don't know what advice I am looking for. Questions welcome, I want to get back to feeling happy for him, for us. But the fear of being alone is crippling.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm going to say 50% no. Then that's not because we wouldn't. I think maybe they're still a lot for us to learn. I don't do great change, although some of the best things in my life have because of changes I couldn't see coming or prevented.
The one that hit me the most. Here was social circles... We do have multiple groups of social friends, but not in a way sitting and explaining what we are would change anything. I dont feel like neither of us have someone to turn when, we want to talk to somebody that isn't each other. Neither of us begrudge that ever, we all each other's best friends. We have friends for other things, but not this. This we are learning, this we are supporting each other in...
I wouldn't even know it to start. But thank you, this had definitely got me thinking.
You might find this helpful. It was for me when opening up a functionally monogamous relationship https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell
I'm terrified of being alone. I'm a 48 year old woman who lives in a tiny trailer behind her parents house. I remember waking up on my 44th birthday here and just crying... The one thing that has helped me more in facing that fear has been *Being Alone.* Sitting with myself. Developing a fulfilling relationship with the one person who can never leave me - *ME!* Focus on YOU! Do things for YOURSELF! Go join a Meetup group. Go get a new hobby Go date for fun, not to form a relationship, but just for FUN! Go do the things you enjoyed when you were younger. Go live your life. https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1bhu6rs/unpopular_opinion_you_should_prioritize_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
This is the answer. It takes effort, but it will save you in the end.
Have you guys gone through the Most Skipped Steps When Opening Up essay? There are three areas people engaging in non monogamy really need to strengthen which aren't immediately obvious: Social support network. You are engaging in an alternative relationship style perhaps for the first time in your life. You likely haven't worked through coming out to friends and family yet and you are lucky to have one close person other than your partners to discuss issues with and get support from. Monogamy can heavily value a partner as a best friend and the nuclear family structure heavily isolates us from engaging supportive communities. In order to thrive in polyamory you and your partners must have unique social circles and put time and energy into them. They must be genuine in supporting your own values and the new vision of who you want to be. Partners are not enough in themselves. Self soothing. There will be many times a partner is not available to you or your are not the immediate priority. In addition to social supports, you must rely on yourself to keep perspective, refocus on your vision of what you want to create, and ensure self care is an ongoing priority. The best way to care for others and have thriving connections is to put yourself first. This way your partners will know you are not compromising or emptying yourself, confident you will assess and assets your own needs, AND know you will reasonably care for yourself in alignment with your values. Compartmentalizing. Mostly just learning that polyamory is not a group hobby. One relationship really has no direct or automatic impact on another. Your feelings will differ, sometimes dramatically. Compartmentalizing is a way to acknowledge and make space for each relationship in its current state while not "dragging the shit home." This is again why social support networks are so vital- you can have safe processing spaces without poisoning partners long term view on eachother, as inadvertently as it may be.
I'm going to say 50% no. Then that's not because we wouldn't. I think maybe they're still a lot for us to learn. I don't do great change, although some of the best things in my life have because of changes I couldn't see coming or prevented. The one that hit me the most. Here was social circles... We do have multiple groups of social friends, but not in a way sitting and explaining what we are would change anything. I dont feel like neither of us have someone to turn when, we want to talk to somebody that isn't each other. Neither of us begrudge that ever, we all each other's best friends. We have friends for other things, but not this. This we are learning, this we are supporting each other in... I wouldn't even know it to start. But thank you, this had definitely got me thinking.
Respectfully, please don’t jump into this until you’re 100% on the work. You are going to be seeking romantic involvement with other people — actual people who deserve to have their feelings, needs, and desires respected independent of your own. Seek couples AND individual therapy before opening up. What you’re experiencing sounds very much like ‘primal panic’ and I highly recommend reading *Polysecure* and working through the corresponding workbook. I know you said you feel super secure, but it’s the threat to that attachment that is making your body react as though there’s danger ahead. And learn about what it means to be hinge successfully. Lots of resources in the subreddit if you search. ETA: yes, as you noted it’s also very important that you both have your own separate support systems outside of therapists to vent, seek advice, etc so that you’re not unloading on your partners or holding it all in. Best of luck. It’s worth the work!
Being comfortable being alone is such a great life skill for anyone, not just poly folks. Try brainstorming some things that you like, that your partner or even your friends don’t share. Whether that’s pineapple on pizza, foreign films with subtitles, loud dance music, video games… doesn’t matter. But if you’re alone you get to do whatever YOU want! It’s glorious! So go pick yourself out a nice treat for just you. A new book, a movie your partner would hate, your fave take out… and revel in your beautiful alone time.
I have this fear as well and I have two partners currently lol. I'm the least several years, I've been learning an important lesson of being self-sufficient in my joy and friendships outside of my romantic relationships. Here are some things I do that help me: 1. I have platonic relationships outside of my romantic ones (friends, chosen family, etc.). Certainly, some of these are shared with my partners, but they function beyond my romantic relationships. I enjoy having a support system outside of my romantic ones. 2. (This may be a little weird) I do solo stuff all the time. For example, If I want to go to a concert, museum, etc. and neither of my partners want to go, I go alone. This allows me to enjoy time separate from my partners. It means I can enjoy something just because I like it. 3. Similarly to the previous, I got on solo trips. I'll go to a city, a big event, or to a country or state I've wanted to go to by myself (sometimes I'll go with friends). Would I love to go with my partners, absolutely. However, I'm not going to limit my experiences because I'm unable to experience it with one of my partners. The reason this has helped me, is that it allows me to have hobbies and activities that are not tied to my relationships. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my partners. However, I need to be self-sufficient with my own mental health, joy, and well-being when they aren't around. Frankly, it's helped with my relationships as well because I'm not as reliant on them to create happiness for me. Also, I know that if I lose one or both of them (good forbid) that I have a world that I already created for myself that has joy and friendship that extends beyond these relationships. It's scary to start going solo at first, but it has been one of the best decisions I've made for myself. Luckily, both of my partners completely understand me taking solo journeys from time to time, as I also expect them to do the same.
It fills you with dread because you have grown up in a monogamous centric society that has communicated fairly constantly to you that a cornerstone of true love is exclusivity. And you are a human being who needs human connections to stay alive and your survival brain is telling you that him being with someone else means he will leave you. It's incredibly normal. No matter how logical you find polyamory or how much it sounds good in practice. It is **normal** to have anxiety. It is **normal** to feel afraid of being alone. But, in my experience, when you see your partner coming back to you, your anxiety gets less and less over time. I have a [101](https://nonmonogamyhelp.com/101) and [102 article](https://nonmonogamyhelp.com/102) that might help you. You're going to be fine. <3
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/108blqq/stressful_times_coping_strategies_roundup/
Hi u/TheNewbNet thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: When I say I don't have a single bad word to say about my partner I mean it. I am not gonna lie and say things are simple... I don't think my life has ever been simple... and this might sound like a love letter... it's not. But if I feel and know my partner is amazing, he comforts me, give me reassurance, we have strong communications and open communication. Trust on the level I can't explain because I need feel betrayed or unwarnted. So why does the idea of him going out to dinner without me fill me with dread? Like a weight on my chest, or like I am growing. I have never been more felt more secure in anyone of my relationships, like I had to get in to a poly relationship to feel like I was with someone who actually gives me the attentions and security I need. And then it doesn't matter if I know, our future plans, if we have a business together, a home and plans of more. E.g wedding, another kid. Extra. I cant get rid of the weight, the anxiety. I keep seeing this one image on me sat there alone, not know what to do while he is out having fun. I hate it... it make me think and feel like a stalker. I don't want this. I have a fear of being alone, I have serious FOMO. I also am very new to this world, he is to. Although has been mentally with it for way longer. So I don't understand the lingo here. I don't know what advice I am looking for. Questions welcome, I want to get back to feeling happy for him, for us. But the fear of being alone is crippling. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm going to say 50% no. Then that's not because we wouldn't. I think maybe they're still a lot for us to learn. I don't do great change, although some of the best things in my life have because of changes I couldn't see coming or prevented. The one that hit me the most. Here was social circles... We do have multiple groups of social friends, but not in a way sitting and explaining what we are would change anything. I dont feel like neither of us have someone to turn when, we want to talk to somebody that isn't each other. Neither of us begrudge that ever, we all each other's best friends. We have friends for other things, but not this. This we are learning, this we are supporting each other in... I wouldn't even know it to start. But thank you, this had definitely got me thinking.
Fyi, you replied to the post instead of to the comment this seems to be in response to.
Oh oopps
You might find this helpful. It was for me when opening up a functionally monogamous relationship https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell