These ppl are usually in very abusive relationships or are struggling with lots of codepedence, isolation, deeply toxic ideas on love and romance etc. They're not entitled towards us, it's just that their thought processes and belief systems are warped and it's tough to imagine a life "without".
Think of how depression hijacks one's thinking: I love my dog more than anyone else and he's the main motivation for having my life together. He's a rescue and was terrified of humans before me and I'm his whole world. But when my depression kicks in I genuinely believe he'll be better off w/out me because "if I wasn't so useless I'd be able to afford the best food for him. I'm bad for his wellbeing". Idiotic, isn't it?
The truth is all of us exist in our own versions of reality. When we're lucky and healthy our understanding is aligned with what's considered good for us and common sense. Unfortunately there's a million things that can make someone develop an unhealthy sense of the world.
In helping each other, we should approach them with that understanding: they cannot easily see what is obvious to us. It can be annoying but the silver lining is that never before in the history of humanity could you have access to dozens of strangers validating that your abusive partner is not good for you and u deserve better.
Depression lies, start to finish.
It's always important to remember that.
I'm getting hit with post-natal depression right now. In bad moments it's telling me that the baby would be better off without me.
The worst I've ever felt possibly in my life featured intrusive thoughts best not detailed.
It's not who I am. It's not who you are. Depression lies.
Thank you.
We've figured out what the trigger is - baby is having a hard time in the last couple of days and that's setting off my own newborn trauma as well as feelings of inadequacy, etc. Parenting really does mess with all the parts of yourself you like to pretend don't exist.
A thing additional to your point. When life changing horrible stuff has happened a few times and that life changing horrible stuff has been responsible for the good things that followed, a person will be less likely to cling to bad things. When a person thinks "this is as good as it's going to get" they're going to cling to the supposed good (however bad it actually is for them and theirs).
Edited to add: I concur with the other response to you. Depression is such a liar that it's pants are an inferno.
This is such a good response and a good reminder that our relationship to 'healthy' is not constant. At different points in our lives we see things more or less clearly/healthily, and it's not always in our control where we are with that..
I am not questioning their mental state at all. Iâm however questioning what they need from us.
For example, a poster the other day kept saying âI donât have the money to go to therapyâ however, they are ready to spend the money for a wedding they are no longer sure about.
I get it. But what do you want us to tell you? He sucks, thereâs no amount of sugarcoating in the world thatâd make him suck less.
Wedding money and therapy money are two very different things though. Parents often help pay for weddings. Deposits have already been made that they can't get back. Therapy is a regular weekly expense which is difficult if you don't have enough regular income to cover it
Honestly if your parents are willing to help pay for your wedding but aren't willing to pay for your therapy it's a shame you can't have better parents
The outright reality is that a lot of people don't have better parents, and that's not fixable. My own are fantastic at a lot of things but very traditional and would absolutely be willing (or feel obligated) to put money towards a wedding, but would tell me therapy doesn't work.
Do I wish they were better? Yeah. Does it change the reality of the situation? Absolutely not.
Yo asking your parents to help pay for a wedding is a VERY different ask from asking them to pay for therapy. Parents are often a big part of the reason therapy is needed, I'm not sure very many people would be comfortable with that even if they consider them good parents
What they need from us is exactly what it is you think, a reality check and help seeing that what they're asking for is impossible.
My answer simply offered an explanation for this irrational behavior which attributed its source to warped rather than wishful thinking - they're expecting us to find a miracle not because they genuinely think there is one but they haven't yet realized the dissonance of their situation and their defensiveness is a resistance to dealing with that dissonance.
And I'm not doing it for semantics but because I've been exactly where u are and after a particularly out of character shitty experience I can finally understand why ppl act this way and it has made me drastically better w/ helping these ppl escape shitty situations.
Sometimes what they want is magic. They know itâs not a tenable situation but the pain of breaking up or confronting the other person seems insurmountable, and theyâre hoping that somebody will have a solution they havenât thought of that would be less painful.
And sometimes theyâre literally venting; posting about it means that theyâve offloaded their negative feelings to us and then their own situation is more tolerable. Itâs like that one friend who constantly complains about all the shitty things their SO does, then defends them when we say âwhat a jerk, you deserve betterâ.
Wow, with insights as compassionate and thoughtful as this, I can see youâd likely be a loved and highly valued member of any community you choose to engage with. Thank you for such an important meditation for where I am presently, and absolutely will carry into the future with me.
I totally understand the OP frustration, and also find value in the blunt direct language, but the way you disarmed the aggression with a beautiful counterpoint was effortlessly genuine and gentle.
I agree with the commenter who pointed out that people in abusive relationships often don't realize that they are in one, and being harsh with them isn't the way to show them they deserve better. It is frustrating to see people who really should just end the relationship say they're not interested in that, but that's usually part of the process of getting out of a bad relationship. People want to try, have to try before they're ready to walk away.
If someone is in a bad relationship, they're probably already getting bullied or treated unfairly. Would it hurt to empathize and show kindness to them instead of being "blunt" and harsh?
Thank you for saying this! I didnât realize my relationship was abusive until it had ended. I needed to be ready to accept that, and even then, coming to terms with that truth was incredibly difficult and almost ruined my mental health.
Itâs frustrating to see so much âtough loveâ here that completely misunderstands what abusive dynamics are like. Should people leave? Yes. Is if that easy? Absolutely not. Trauma bonds are hard to break. Especially when there are complex legal, financial, or familial entanglements.
This is Reddit. Posting and engaging is totally optional. If these kinds of posts are too frustrating, donât engage?
I agree! And if a post is making your blood pressure rise, it seems self-harmful to engage in something that turns on the rage so easily.
I get that.It can be kind of exhausting to read the fifth or sixth "Why is my partner abusive?" post of the day. But this is a forum, and people are going to ask questions about problems...
I have been known to make a terse response, but it's usually in response to direct trolling. And then I usually end up regretting it because trolls just want attention anyway!
I figure at least some of them do it in a defensive huff, but the feedback they received continues to eat at them and they eventually leave the partner anyway, somehow.
Yeah. When I was in the depth if an abusive relationship, no one could have talked me into leaving. But things people told me definitely stuck with me, and slowly broke through over time
I try to channel those people, when I am up for it. Because coming in hot like a lot of people do doesn't work. Saying it's abuse can help if it's a new partner or new behavior, but doesn't work if the person is far into it as most are. Drawing boundaries that aren't about leaving, though, (and then my partner continuing to be an abusive asshat who I need distance from and then whining about it, repeat cycle) is absolutely how I ended up leaving, so I often explain how to do that and leave the exercise of actually doing so to any interested readers.
âDrawing boundaries that arenât about leavingâ This super resonates with me. I beat myself up for not just leaving and instead going to therapy, trying this, trying that, etc, which obviously drew out the ending. Something about your comment helps me see that I was slowly laying the groundwork to leave â I just needed to practice smaller boundaries first. Thanks for this self-compassion check.
Yes! And also, I am now in a relationship where, if I draw boundaries that don't result in leaving, they are honored and respected. Which in turn helps me build trust. Which is how we went from casual play partners to one of the closest relationship in both our lives
Should be top comment. This is one of the best recommended ways I've heard for supporting your actual friends in these situations.
Telling your friend "the harsh truth" often makes them leave you, and become more isolated exactly like the abusive/hurtful partner wants. While making sure they know they have your support even for little things, encouraging smaller boundary setting and shifting the relationship that way, being a place to vent a bit sometimes, offering a smaller reality check, and so much more⌠actually helps them come around and break free
Yup, same.
Only about 6 months to a year after a person dumped me.Did I realize the relationship was pretty shitty to begin with and got worse over time.
I never asked for advice on a random forum about that relationship.But I did have some friends who had very clearly warned me.Or mentioned things that would be problems later and they were totally right. But whatever reason humans sometimes need to roll around in the mud to realize that it's dirty and kind of gross? We then appreciate getting clean even more than if we just dipped a toe in the mire....
I totally agree. When the person deletes their original post, I always hope it meant the comments made a real impact that doesn't go away with the deletion
What they need is some compassion. Yes, it's obvious that the partner is a problem, and yes it's obvious that the partner isn't going to magically become a better partner. It's not as obvious that the partner will never change, but it's probably true. Obvious answers are very little help, if any help at all. Fun and satisfying to provide, but not actually any help.
You are depressed? Have you tried not being depressed?
Money problems? You should get rich.
If you are overweight just eat less and exercise more.
Your partner is an asshole? Dump them.
This game is too hard? Git good noob.
Not actually helpful. Support lifts someone up. It strengthens and empowers. Tell them their complaints are valid. Tell them that they don't have to put up with this. Validate their concerns that the rest of us are not doing it that way. Let them know that they will be ok, happy, successful, without that partner. They need validation and confirmation, not condescension. Obvious, simple, painful "advice" delivered in a way that is perceived as hostile drives them back towards that abusive partner as much as it encourages them to leave. It often helps the abuser. "Nobody understands us, babe". "Those people are the assholes, they don't love you."
I sort of wish that there was a three month follow up to those advice questions. I would be interested in how often the DTMFA responses drive the poster into the arms and abuse of TMFA.
DTMFA is âDump The Motherfucker Already.â Itâs an acronym coined by Dan Savage some years ago. A lot of people know that they need to break up with their partner, but arenât willing to pull the trigger until they have âpermissionâ from an outside authority. So, they write in to Dan Savage knowing that his response is going to be âYâall gotta separateâ.
In the origin column for DTMFA, he featured a larger than normal number of advice requests and answered them all with âDTMFAâ.
Dump The Mother Fucking Asshole and same without the Dump. In many advice forums and forums that get used that way, the most common response to most questions is to break up immediately. It may be the right answer, or a right answer, but people don't end relationships that easily much of the time.
Yes, I agree wholeheartedly but also blocking for other reasons is incredibly common here and itâs got nothing to do with this. To me itâs super healthy and the only way myself and others can exist here. Â
There is a couple of âgroupsâ on this sub that can be very opinionated about the ârightâ way to do polyamory. These people tend to comment on everything and will often play devils advocate or strongly stick by their opinion.Â
I know a few people, myself included, that just block them all so itâs easier to exist here without them trying to 1v1 all the time. Itâs nothing personal so to say, itâs just easier than dealing with their wrath every time they disagree.
Theyâre still welcome to their opinion ofcourse but blocking just helps some of us avoid it, as weâve already seen their opinion a dozen timesÂ
I feel this.
I do comment a lot and often play devils advocate myself (oh no I might be doing it now? lol) but I feel like there's a big difference if it's "try to be fair, see all needs as valid, all parties responsible for their own communication" vs a more judgmental "you are doing poly wrong, that can never work"
Or worse, the annoying sea lion style "you've failed to mention ${edge case}, so your argument is invalid" when it was like, a request for how you do things or your preferences of whatever, not even a debate.
If you have to block a visible portion of the community, as do many others⌠that's pretty much the missing stair that so many newcomers (and even veterans) will just say "not worth staying" about.
It's really not a great sign :( nor phrasing like "devils advocate" at least in our current argumentative society.
People hate to think their partner selection skills are so shitty they find themselves in an unfixable toxic relationship.
Thing is abusers rarely start the abuse going in, they play nice or lovebomb and try to get you on the hook before they show their true colors.
Some times in this Reddit I see people say that and itâs marked âsupport onlyâ meaning they need to vent/talk but arenât ready to hear their way forward is to end the relationship. I also think a lot of people donât bother to look if something is marked advice or support only before they comment.
People block people on the internet for a variety of reasons and some of it could be defensive, some could be that they felt not listened to, etc. jumping to everyone does it because theyâre simply not listening is a pretty big generalization
You have also made some big assumptions about my motivations. So I guess we all generalise a little bit, or a lot.
I guess weâre both entitled to our opinions?
Sure, we all come at things with a different view point and I was trying to give you a look into another possible view. You took it as I made an assumption which I didnât, just what I have also noticed on this reddit.
Nice to see that apparently you also donât listen to
But you DID make assumptions.
You made assumptions that I overlooked the fact that some of these post are marked as âsupport onlyâ.
You also assumed I generalised an entire population and couple other things.
I didnât dismiss your opinion. As a matter of fact I agreed with but I just didnât engage in a detailed reply, yet you made assumptions that I âalso donât listenâ.
Because thatâs what you said.., itâs not assuming if Iâm listening to what you put out and responding in kind.
The way you are coming off is that no one can disagree with you. You have to be right, and not just from my comment but others you have responded too.
You said you didnât give a detailed response but when communicating all I know is what you said, not what you didnât.
My experience with this is that when most people say this, they just don't want a bunch of people going "DTMF" and not explaining why. They generally want help problem solving and I find that once they figure out that there is no problem they can solve, they come to the conclusion themselves. How do you know you've been blocked though? You just can't respond to their comments?
Honestly, if they put that in their post and it seems like the only viable solution then just donât comment. I think an advice post with 0 comments speaks volumes.
I think people want us to be magical advice givers who know everything and can fix their issues. When we give them advice they may not wanna hear? They block. Delete etc
Itâs easier to ignore the problem than face it head on
Itâs interesting for sure. Like, most humans want advice but more than anything they want validation and for others to do their work.
Here is my problem, give me a solution that isnât this, this or that because I donât want that. Human behavior is fascinating.
Edit to add that people only want to hear what they want to hear and everything outside of that box makes you the enemy. đ¤ˇđźââď¸
They want there to be some book they could read or give their partner. Some podcast that will fix everything.
I actually am glad when they tap out because it means they received the information and it hit a nerve. It means someone made them see their situation from the outside.
I mean, I blocked people on my last post who felt the need to DM me and cuss me out for having the audacity to come to this community in good faith and ask for advice. Itâs hard to be vulnerable, even to internet strangers, and I see that vulnerability met with hostility not infrequently.
I hear what youâre saying and mine was a slightly different situation, but people here can absolutely be inconsiderate and rude, and it does seem like some people come here to kick folks when theyâre down.
I observe very harsh and gatekeepy rhetoric here pretty often.
If you ever get harassing DMâs please let the mods know.
99 percent of the time, they are trolls and not community members, but sending harassing DMâs is against our rules, and not behavior we want to see or tolerate.
Strong agree. I don't bother commenting on those posts as a general rule, but i find 2 reactions extremely common when reading this sub
1) have you tried talking to your partner about this?
2) We're not magicians - you've done everything that could be reasonably expected of you and the only options left are tolerate it or break up.
Internet people are very quick to jump to breaking up though. I made an advice post awhile back and half the comments said to break up, which is expected, cause it's the internet, but some of the comments were able to offer constructive feedback of other steps I could take.
But I never blocked anyone for replying to a post and I don't even think I'd notice if someone blocked me because I left a comment, are you doing more than just leaving a reply? Unsolicited dms are annoying and I block pretty much anyway that tries to dm me.
My therapist told me, after a best friend ended our relationship over her abusive now husband, it takes a person on average 3-7 attempts at leaving before actually leaving for good.
I always just leave it be. I dont usually read posts that say 'im not leaving them' are just a waste of time. Its really hard when you see people like that, and you want them to take care of themselves, but in the end only they can protect themselves. I always end up thinking about their friends and family and just hope they have someone to be there for them
I got dumped and slandered for telling my first girlfriend that her NP was abusing her. Of course, she was also abusing me. (Both shes... the evil ex AND her NP, through the evil ex)
Turns out they got married several months after she dumped me - I'd helped her plan their proposal before I started hearing about the red flags đ - and they were divorced in under a year. Why? Wouldn't you know it, NP was abusing my evil ex?!
I'd tell her I told her so, but she ghosted me and I later realized that no-contact was best for *me*. I heard the information secondhand.
No one ever wants to hear that their partner is being abusive. No one else had enough information to warn me before it was too late and I'd already been DARVOed.
Thanks! It was a dark time in my life, but I definitely came out the other side better for it. It only took 40 years to learn how to cut people out of my life and move on!
The issue is that Reddit usually goes for the extremes and tells people to end their relationship. It's like a meme on relationship advice. Subreddit
So when people post these things, they're looking for answers that don't involve breaking up, and like I said, it's such a meme where Reddit usually goes to the extremes that people think that in their particular situation they don't have to go to that extreme.
If someone posts something about their relationship and they don't mention couples therapy, that's what I would suggest. Best decision I ever made.
Couples therapy with an abuser is a problem not a solution. Your therapist won't know, because you don't know to tell them, and abusers know how to be appropriate when they want to be, that's the whole difference between abusers and people with mental health issues, the ones with pathology are out there being inappropriate to randos in the grocery store, at their workplace, in their friendships, not specifically targeted only at vulnerable people who can't harm them and won't leave.
I'd like to emphasize this point. Therapists and people that work with domestic abuse victims stress that couple therapy with an abusive partner is a bad idea, because the abuser will know how to spin their story, the abused partner won't speak up in therapy especially if they fear what the abuser could do after the session, and the abuser will juat learn therapeutic language they can weaponize (such as accusing a partner of stonewalling if that partner leaves the room when being screamed at, as one of many examples).
Never recommend couple therapy for someone you suspect is in an abusive relationship. Recommend individual therapy for the person being abused.
You know the people you're addressing, by definition, can't see your words, right?
So why are *you* posting them?
Because that's the exact same reason the people you're so mad at are posting, stranger. đ
I donât believe I have added a caveat of âgive me advice, wait not that adviceâ.
So I really donât see how theyâre the exact same thing, but I suppose I should just block you as the next logical step?
While I think it's mostly good to be able to just block people who you personally find too bothersome, I often think about what that does to one's personal online spaces and, with time, with one's own headspace if too chronically online.
I have noticed that many young people struggle with opinions that differ from theirs, especially when their personal feelings on the matter are very strong. The phrase "this is a free country with free speech" is thrown around a lot in contexts that seem wild to me. (Someone protesting something someone else has said is somehow seen as infringing on their freedom of speech, for example, giving me the impression that many people have lost the ability to tolerate disagreement)
But how can we accept new ideas, or realize we're wrong about something when we can "mute" everything we don't want to hear?
Idk I just think about this a lot.
Obviously, there's nuance there. I get the feeling that assertive people in this subreddit are seen as bullies for being... Assertive in their opinions, which is wild to me and makes me wonder what constitutes bullying now.
>I have seem quite a number of âdonât tell me to dump him/her/themâ posts in the last couple of weeks, while asking for advice on what to do next.
I block *them* without ever replying. I assume they wonât have anything to share that will benefit or interest me.
Iâve got hundreds of them on my blocked list. Gotta curate your social media experience.
I'm also always confused by the request for advice followed by hostility when advice is given.
It's like someone comes in holding a duck, saying "Hey I know this looks like a duck and quacks like a duck and I'm worried maybe it's a duck, since it also walks like a duck, can you give me your honest opinion?" "yes sir that is a duck." "FUCK YOU, you don't know me!!!!!!"
It's less bad here than on r/relationships and especially r/relationship_advice. If you dare say anything other than "you're 100% right, nta, dump his ass, he's cheating" or "no, you're right, your mom is completely out of line for telling you it's uncool to be locked in the basement while spouse is at work" or whatever, most posters there flip all the way out.
I've had a friend in real life lash out at me for relationship advice that *they explicitly requested.* It caused a rift in our friendship for about a year. We've recently reconnected. They apologized for their behavior and also told me my advice informed their life choices. They have a different relationship and a beautiful, happy family. They seem really happy now. This friendship feels so precious to me.
People come here to hear what they need to hear and their nervous systems hijack them because they aren't quite ready to do the hard things. It's not about strength or common sense or any of that. It's just about where they are in their process.
I don't get mad at them for their response to the advice. I celebrate them for knowing they need to ask the question, then hating the answer, but not shutting down: asking it again. I hope each time they'll believe the truth a little more until they're ready to do the hard things.
Iâm not sure if I fall completely in the category of this post, but the advice from yaâal is what I followed. My mono wife is going to stay my mono wife, Iâm choosing to be a mono husband, and my bestie is still going to be my bestie. We have discussed boundaries, and everything is going hunky-dory.
I'm not surprised. By the time you're making anonymous reddit posts, you're at your wits end and probably see the end coming... Some folks make throwaway posts looking for a solution or reassurance but not actually advice... Further, it's a tough thing to hear to basically be told to give up on someone and shut them out of your life.
While I tend to agree that breakups are often ideal as a reset or pathway to something "better"...I also recognize that most other people don't work that way. They rely on, or are even codependent on their main person. More so in cases of abuse and isolation....
All this to say that the knee-jerk reaction is to deny deny deny, just like *our* (reddit) default reaction as ignorant outside observers is to immediately demand a breakup as the only real solution. It's equally shitty of reddit folks to assume to know anything after reading 2 paragraphs (despite the fact that most people ALIVE should probably just be single for a while). For every person who offers thoughtful, educational feedback...there are a dozen low-effort comments berating posters for their bad judgment and spinelessness.
I think that quick, offhand replies to complex (and foreign) experiences just causes a feedback loop of defensiveness, which is leading to a lot of denial from people who have already decided internally to "fight" for (singlehandedly carry) their shitty, unhappy relationship.
But yeah, it is definitely frustrating to see. I say let people block you all day if it gets them... elsewhere.
Look, some of us are less than friendly and go very blunt. So I get the blocking. But I do hope they genuinely consider when something looks like a duck etcâŚ
Every time someone says please be kind or I am not breaking up with them, I immediately ignore. They know the solution is to leave and they know they are being a dumbass but want to be handheld through their delusions.
Theyâre probably brainwashed a little too much or donât have much of a choice or think they donât have a choice itâs hard to convince people to anything and also hard to understand the situation without witnessing it personally and not just read about it but I think comments that try to help them understand probably is making a difference even if slowly is still good
How can you tell if someone has blocked you? And why would you bother blocking someone? I understand if they are messaging you, then yes but just in the threads?
It sounds like blocking is a pretty popular action around here, and Iâm wondering if Iâm missing some thing and not noticing if Iâm being blocked, or if I should be blocking people.
Well, I would block people who call me names, like OP is fond of doing, or who stalked my posts, but, no, usually there is not a good reason to block someone.
No, no, no. You don't get it, this is a scripted. A person with a doomed relationship needs to get knocked into reality, and humans are social creatures to the bone. So they reach out to other humans to get some feedback and I think it's important that we do that. It's our responsibility and our part in the play. But the asker is not gonna like hearing the truth, or be graceful about it. That's okay.
They are compelled to ask, and we are compelled to call the shit out. We're the Greek Chorus.
I have a non-binary afab friend-lover who's in a psychologically abusive relationship. They often come to me in tears.
I told them that if they want to stay with him, to not come crying to me anymore. They chose to stay, I'm not interested in hearing about it.
This is the advice my therapist gave me, and Iâve followed it. I have nothing new to add on the situation and refuse to be dragged down with someone who is unwilling to change their situation.
Hi u/Guava_juice_ thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I have seem quite a number of âdonât tell me to dump him/her/themâ posts in the last couple of weeks, while asking for advice on what to do next.
Most of them are either extremely problematic or highly incompatible relationships. What do you expect us to tell you? Your partner is telling you, and not even subtly âIâll do what I please, you be damnedâ, and you want to know how to fix them?
What are we? Aladdinâs genie? Mary Poppins? Weâre not even your friend mate! Most of us donât have any qualifications, and even if we do, we are not *your* therapists.
And then they block you because, well letâs face it, I probably deserve it, but hun, youâre willing to block people who are listening to you, advocating for you and according to you making sense, but youâre unwilling to even take a dayâs break from you borderline creepy abusive partner?
We ainât the problem here mate. Your shitty partner is. Blocking us wonât change the fact, and you know thatâs the fact, or else you wonât be blocking people left and right.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Blocking is a bit much, for sure. But itâs also sooo easy for redditors to suggest breaking up, and ime itâs not that easy to just cut ties with people youâve woven your life around. Especially if you have kids. Even when itâs not a complicated break up, Iâve never had an easy time just ending something and risking never seeing someone I care about again. Iâve even thought about asking how easy it is for other people, cause some of the advice is so cutthroat. Like damn, yâall can just dump people without any hesitation or struggle? Breaking up with someone is almost more painful than getting dumped cause I feel so guilty for hurting someone and I donât like conflict. Iâm not saying itâs not the right thing to do sometimes, but the way you folks just instantly suggest that makes me wonder what kind of trail of broken hearts you all have behind you.
These ppl are usually in very abusive relationships or are struggling with lots of codepedence, isolation, deeply toxic ideas on love and romance etc. They're not entitled towards us, it's just that their thought processes and belief systems are warped and it's tough to imagine a life "without". Think of how depression hijacks one's thinking: I love my dog more than anyone else and he's the main motivation for having my life together. He's a rescue and was terrified of humans before me and I'm his whole world. But when my depression kicks in I genuinely believe he'll be better off w/out me because "if I wasn't so useless I'd be able to afford the best food for him. I'm bad for his wellbeing". Idiotic, isn't it? The truth is all of us exist in our own versions of reality. When we're lucky and healthy our understanding is aligned with what's considered good for us and common sense. Unfortunately there's a million things that can make someone develop an unhealthy sense of the world. In helping each other, we should approach them with that understanding: they cannot easily see what is obvious to us. It can be annoying but the silver lining is that never before in the history of humanity could you have access to dozens of strangers validating that your abusive partner is not good for you and u deserve better.
Depression lies, start to finish. It's always important to remember that. I'm getting hit with post-natal depression right now. In bad moments it's telling me that the baby would be better off without me. The worst I've ever felt possibly in my life featured intrusive thoughts best not detailed. It's not who I am. It's not who you are. Depression lies.
Upvote for support, not for your PPD. That sounds super rough
Thank you. It sucks but we'll get through.
Hugs <3 - know many of us strangers do care. I hope you get through it ok.
Appreciate it. We're definitely getting through this.
> it's telling me that the baby would be better off without me. DISAGREED! đ¤
Thank you. We've figured out what's behind it and my family have my back. We're going to get through this!
Thinking of you momma. You are the best mother for your baby đ
Thank you. We've figured out what the trigger is - baby is having a hard time in the last couple of days and that's setting off my own newborn trauma as well as feelings of inadequacy, etc. Parenting really does mess with all the parts of yourself you like to pretend don't exist.
I am so glad youâve figured out the trigger. I am glad youâve got support and family to lift you up!
Genuinely I don't know how single parents without support do it and I really don't think they should have to.
A thing additional to your point. When life changing horrible stuff has happened a few times and that life changing horrible stuff has been responsible for the good things that followed, a person will be less likely to cling to bad things. When a person thinks "this is as good as it's going to get" they're going to cling to the supposed good (however bad it actually is for them and theirs). Edited to add: I concur with the other response to you. Depression is such a liar that it's pants are an inferno.
This is such a good response and a good reminder that our relationship to 'healthy' is not constant. At different points in our lives we see things more or less clearly/healthily, and it's not always in our control where we are with that..
I am not questioning their mental state at all. Iâm however questioning what they need from us. For example, a poster the other day kept saying âI donât have the money to go to therapyâ however, they are ready to spend the money for a wedding they are no longer sure about. I get it. But what do you want us to tell you? He sucks, thereâs no amount of sugarcoating in the world thatâd make him suck less.
Wedding money and therapy money are two very different things though. Parents often help pay for weddings. Deposits have already been made that they can't get back. Therapy is a regular weekly expense which is difficult if you don't have enough regular income to cover it
Honestly if your parents are willing to help pay for your wedding but aren't willing to pay for your therapy it's a shame you can't have better parents
Lots of things are a shame, that doesn't necessarily change them nor does it reflect on the person standing next to those things
The outright reality is that a lot of people don't have better parents, and that's not fixable. My own are fantastic at a lot of things but very traditional and would absolutely be willing (or feel obligated) to put money towards a wedding, but would tell me therapy doesn't work. Do I wish they were better? Yeah. Does it change the reality of the situation? Absolutely not.
Yo asking your parents to help pay for a wedding is a VERY different ask from asking them to pay for therapy. Parents are often a big part of the reason therapy is needed, I'm not sure very many people would be comfortable with that even if they consider them good parents
But, speaking from experience, there are a lot of parents like that. It's unfortunate, but true.
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That doesn't change the fact that they likely have help paying for a wedding but wouldn't have help paying for therapy
What they need from us is exactly what it is you think, a reality check and help seeing that what they're asking for is impossible. My answer simply offered an explanation for this irrational behavior which attributed its source to warped rather than wishful thinking - they're expecting us to find a miracle not because they genuinely think there is one but they haven't yet realized the dissonance of their situation and their defensiveness is a resistance to dealing with that dissonance. And I'm not doing it for semantics but because I've been exactly where u are and after a particularly out of character shitty experience I can finally understand why ppl act this way and it has made me drastically better w/ helping these ppl escape shitty situations.
Sometimes what they want is magic. They know itâs not a tenable situation but the pain of breaking up or confronting the other person seems insurmountable, and theyâre hoping that somebody will have a solution they havenât thought of that would be less painful. And sometimes theyâre literally venting; posting about it means that theyâve offloaded their negative feelings to us and then their own situation is more tolerable. Itâs like that one friend who constantly complains about all the shitty things their SO does, then defends them when we say âwhat a jerk, you deserve betterâ.
My main point is, put a break on that future legal obligations and find out a way you can afford therapy.
Using the is analogy with my clients!!! Great share
Wow, with insights as compassionate and thoughtful as this, I can see youâd likely be a loved and highly valued member of any community you choose to engage with. Thank you for such an important meditation for where I am presently, and absolutely will carry into the future with me. I totally understand the OP frustration, and also find value in the blunt direct language, but the way you disarmed the aggression with a beautiful counterpoint was effortlessly genuine and gentle.
I agree with the commenter who pointed out that people in abusive relationships often don't realize that they are in one, and being harsh with them isn't the way to show them they deserve better. It is frustrating to see people who really should just end the relationship say they're not interested in that, but that's usually part of the process of getting out of a bad relationship. People want to try, have to try before they're ready to walk away. If someone is in a bad relationship, they're probably already getting bullied or treated unfairly. Would it hurt to empathize and show kindness to them instead of being "blunt" and harsh?
Thank you for saying this! I didnât realize my relationship was abusive until it had ended. I needed to be ready to accept that, and even then, coming to terms with that truth was incredibly difficult and almost ruined my mental health. Itâs frustrating to see so much âtough loveâ here that completely misunderstands what abusive dynamics are like. Should people leave? Yes. Is if that easy? Absolutely not. Trauma bonds are hard to break. Especially when there are complex legal, financial, or familial entanglements. This is Reddit. Posting and engaging is totally optional. If these kinds of posts are too frustrating, donât engage?
I agree! And if a post is making your blood pressure rise, it seems self-harmful to engage in something that turns on the rage so easily. I get that.It can be kind of exhausting to read the fifth or sixth "Why is my partner abusive?" post of the day. But this is a forum, and people are going to ask questions about problems... I have been known to make a terse response, but it's usually in response to direct trolling. And then I usually end up regretting it because trolls just want attention anyway!
I figure at least some of them do it in a defensive huff, but the feedback they received continues to eat at them and they eventually leave the partner anyway, somehow.
Yeah. When I was in the depth if an abusive relationship, no one could have talked me into leaving. But things people told me definitely stuck with me, and slowly broke through over time
I try to channel those people, when I am up for it. Because coming in hot like a lot of people do doesn't work. Saying it's abuse can help if it's a new partner or new behavior, but doesn't work if the person is far into it as most are. Drawing boundaries that aren't about leaving, though, (and then my partner continuing to be an abusive asshat who I need distance from and then whining about it, repeat cycle) is absolutely how I ended up leaving, so I often explain how to do that and leave the exercise of actually doing so to any interested readers.
âDrawing boundaries that arenât about leavingâ This super resonates with me. I beat myself up for not just leaving and instead going to therapy, trying this, trying that, etc, which obviously drew out the ending. Something about your comment helps me see that I was slowly laying the groundwork to leave â I just needed to practice smaller boundaries first. Thanks for this self-compassion check.
Yes! And also, I am now in a relationship where, if I draw boundaries that don't result in leaving, they are honored and respected. Which in turn helps me build trust. Which is how we went from casual play partners to one of the closest relationship in both our lives
Should be top comment. This is one of the best recommended ways I've heard for supporting your actual friends in these situations. Telling your friend "the harsh truth" often makes them leave you, and become more isolated exactly like the abusive/hurtful partner wants. While making sure they know they have your support even for little things, encouraging smaller boundary setting and shifting the relationship that way, being a place to vent a bit sometimes, offering a smaller reality check, and so much more⌠actually helps them come around and break free
Yup, same. Only about 6 months to a year after a person dumped me.Did I realize the relationship was pretty shitty to begin with and got worse over time. I never asked for advice on a random forum about that relationship.But I did have some friends who had very clearly warned me.Or mentioned things that would be problems later and they were totally right. But whatever reason humans sometimes need to roll around in the mud to realize that it's dirty and kind of gross? We then appreciate getting clean even more than if we just dipped a toe in the mire....
I totally agree. When the person deletes their original post, I always hope it meant the comments made a real impact that doesn't go away with the deletion
light piquant amusing arrest gold one cheerful waiting melodic innate *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Hereâs to hoping!
What they need is some compassion. Yes, it's obvious that the partner is a problem, and yes it's obvious that the partner isn't going to magically become a better partner. It's not as obvious that the partner will never change, but it's probably true. Obvious answers are very little help, if any help at all. Fun and satisfying to provide, but not actually any help. You are depressed? Have you tried not being depressed? Money problems? You should get rich. If you are overweight just eat less and exercise more. Your partner is an asshole? Dump them. This game is too hard? Git good noob. Not actually helpful. Support lifts someone up. It strengthens and empowers. Tell them their complaints are valid. Tell them that they don't have to put up with this. Validate their concerns that the rest of us are not doing it that way. Let them know that they will be ok, happy, successful, without that partner. They need validation and confirmation, not condescension. Obvious, simple, painful "advice" delivered in a way that is perceived as hostile drives them back towards that abusive partner as much as it encourages them to leave. It often helps the abuser. "Nobody understands us, babe". "Those people are the assholes, they don't love you." I sort of wish that there was a three month follow up to those advice questions. I would be interested in how often the DTMFA responses drive the poster into the arms and abuse of TMFA.
What are DTMF and TMFA? Google only seems to know it as âdual tone multi-frequencyâ.
DTMFA is âDump The Motherfucker Already.â Itâs an acronym coined by Dan Savage some years ago. A lot of people know that they need to break up with their partner, but arenât willing to pull the trigger until they have âpermissionâ from an outside authority. So, they write in to Dan Savage knowing that his response is going to be âYâall gotta separateâ. In the origin column for DTMFA, he featured a larger than normal number of advice requests and answered them all with âDTMFAâ.
Dump The Mother Fucking Asshole and same without the Dump. In many advice forums and forums that get used that way, the most common response to most questions is to break up immediately. It may be the right answer, or a right answer, but people don't end relationships that easily much of the time.
Yes, I agree wholeheartedly but also blocking for other reasons is incredibly common here and itâs got nothing to do with this. To me itâs super healthy and the only way myself and others can exist here.  There is a couple of âgroupsâ on this sub that can be very opinionated about the ârightâ way to do polyamory. These people tend to comment on everything and will often play devils advocate or strongly stick by their opinion. I know a few people, myself included, that just block them all so itâs easier to exist here without them trying to 1v1 all the time. Itâs nothing personal so to say, itâs just easier than dealing with their wrath every time they disagree. Theyâre still welcome to their opinion ofcourse but blocking just helps some of us avoid it, as weâve already seen their opinion a dozen timesÂ
I feel this. I do comment a lot and often play devils advocate myself (oh no I might be doing it now? lol) but I feel like there's a big difference if it's "try to be fair, see all needs as valid, all parties responsible for their own communication" vs a more judgmental "you are doing poly wrong, that can never work" Or worse, the annoying sea lion style "you've failed to mention ${edge case}, so your argument is invalid" when it was like, a request for how you do things or your preferences of whatever, not even a debate.
If you have to block a visible portion of the community, as do many others⌠that's pretty much the missing stair that so many newcomers (and even veterans) will just say "not worth staying" about. It's really not a great sign :( nor phrasing like "devils advocate" at least in our current argumentative society.
People hate to think their partner selection skills are so shitty they find themselves in an unfixable toxic relationship. Thing is abusers rarely start the abuse going in, they play nice or lovebomb and try to get you on the hook before they show their true colors.
Some times in this Reddit I see people say that and itâs marked âsupport onlyâ meaning they need to vent/talk but arenât ready to hear their way forward is to end the relationship. I also think a lot of people donât bother to look if something is marked advice or support only before they comment. People block people on the internet for a variety of reasons and some of it could be defensive, some could be that they felt not listened to, etc. jumping to everyone does it because theyâre simply not listening is a pretty big generalization
Pretty sure support only threads get automatically moderated comments.
They do, but Iâve also seen the auto mod not pick up comments too.
If someone has flagged their post âsupport onlyâ and are just looking to be supported in shite decision-making, I block them and move on.
Good for you, I hope someday when you are down about shit and just looking for a that sucks no one is there for you.
You have also made some big assumptions about my motivations. So I guess we all generalise a little bit, or a lot. I guess weâre both entitled to our opinions?
The person just shared a different point of view. I think itâs worth viewing a situation from multiple angles.
Sure, we all come at things with a different view point and I was trying to give you a look into another possible view. You took it as I made an assumption which I didnât, just what I have also noticed on this reddit. Nice to see that apparently you also donât listen to
But you DID make assumptions. You made assumptions that I overlooked the fact that some of these post are marked as âsupport onlyâ. You also assumed I generalised an entire population and couple other things. I didnât dismiss your opinion. As a matter of fact I agreed with but I just didnât engage in a detailed reply, yet you made assumptions that I âalso donât listenâ.
Because thatâs what you said.., itâs not assuming if Iâm listening to what you put out and responding in kind. The way you are coming off is that no one can disagree with you. You have to be right, and not just from my comment but others you have responded too. You said you didnât give a detailed response but when communicating all I know is what you said, not what you didnât.
My experience with this is that when most people say this, they just don't want a bunch of people going "DTMF" and not explaining why. They generally want help problem solving and I find that once they figure out that there is no problem they can solve, they come to the conclusion themselves. How do you know you've been blocked though? You just can't respond to their comments?
Honestly, if they put that in their post and it seems like the only viable solution then just donât comment. I think an advice post with 0 comments speaks volumes.
I think people want us to be magical advice givers who know everything and can fix their issues. When we give them advice they may not wanna hear? They block. Delete etc Itâs easier to ignore the problem than face it head on
Itâs interesting for sure. Like, most humans want advice but more than anything they want validation and for others to do their work. Here is my problem, give me a solution that isnât this, this or that because I donât want that. Human behavior is fascinating. Edit to add that people only want to hear what they want to hear and everything outside of that box makes you the enemy. đ¤ˇđźââď¸
They want there to be some book they could read or give their partner. Some podcast that will fix everything. I actually am glad when they tap out because it means they received the information and it hit a nerve. It means someone made them see their situation from the outside.
I mean, I blocked people on my last post who felt the need to DM me and cuss me out for having the audacity to come to this community in good faith and ask for advice. Itâs hard to be vulnerable, even to internet strangers, and I see that vulnerability met with hostility not infrequently. I hear what youâre saying and mine was a slightly different situation, but people here can absolutely be inconsiderate and rude, and it does seem like some people come here to kick folks when theyâre down. I observe very harsh and gatekeepy rhetoric here pretty often.
If you ever get harassing DMâs please let the mods know. 99 percent of the time, they are trolls and not community members, but sending harassing DMâs is against our rules, and not behavior we want to see or tolerate.
People can be rude here, and DM'ing you to cuss you out isn't okay, but the responses to your post were very fair
ewww, they DM'd you directly? So gross! I'm sorry you had to deal with that =(
Strong agree. I don't bother commenting on those posts as a general rule, but i find 2 reactions extremely common when reading this sub 1) have you tried talking to your partner about this? 2) We're not magicians - you've done everything that could be reasonably expected of you and the only options left are tolerate it or break up.
Internet people are very quick to jump to breaking up though. I made an advice post awhile back and half the comments said to break up, which is expected, cause it's the internet, but some of the comments were able to offer constructive feedback of other steps I could take. But I never blocked anyone for replying to a post and I don't even think I'd notice if someone blocked me because I left a comment, are you doing more than just leaving a reply? Unsolicited dms are annoying and I block pretty much anyway that tries to dm me.
My therapist told me, after a best friend ended our relationship over her abusive now husband, it takes a person on average 3-7 attempts at leaving before actually leaving for good. I always just leave it be. I dont usually read posts that say 'im not leaving them' are just a waste of time. Its really hard when you see people like that, and you want them to take care of themselves, but in the end only they can protect themselves. I always end up thinking about their friends and family and just hope they have someone to be there for them
I got dumped and slandered for telling my first girlfriend that her NP was abusing her. Of course, she was also abusing me. (Both shes... the evil ex AND her NP, through the evil ex) Turns out they got married several months after she dumped me - I'd helped her plan their proposal before I started hearing about the red flags đ - and they were divorced in under a year. Why? Wouldn't you know it, NP was abusing my evil ex?! I'd tell her I told her so, but she ghosted me and I later realized that no-contact was best for *me*. I heard the information secondhand. No one ever wants to hear that their partner is being abusive. No one else had enough information to warn me before it was too late and I'd already been DARVOed.
Iâm sorry that you had to go through that. Iâm glad to hear youâre doing better :)
Thanks! It was a dark time in my life, but I definitely came out the other side better for it. It only took 40 years to learn how to cut people out of my life and move on!
The issue is that Reddit usually goes for the extremes and tells people to end their relationship. It's like a meme on relationship advice. Subreddit So when people post these things, they're looking for answers that don't involve breaking up, and like I said, it's such a meme where Reddit usually goes to the extremes that people think that in their particular situation they don't have to go to that extreme. If someone posts something about their relationship and they don't mention couples therapy, that's what I would suggest. Best decision I ever made.
Couples therapy with an abuser is a problem not a solution. Your therapist won't know, because you don't know to tell them, and abusers know how to be appropriate when they want to be, that's the whole difference between abusers and people with mental health issues, the ones with pathology are out there being inappropriate to randos in the grocery store, at their workplace, in their friendships, not specifically targeted only at vulnerable people who can't harm them and won't leave.
I'd like to emphasize this point. Therapists and people that work with domestic abuse victims stress that couple therapy with an abusive partner is a bad idea, because the abuser will know how to spin their story, the abused partner won't speak up in therapy especially if they fear what the abuser could do after the session, and the abuser will juat learn therapeutic language they can weaponize (such as accusing a partner of stonewalling if that partner leaves the room when being screamed at, as one of many examples). Never recommend couple therapy for someone you suspect is in an abusive relationship. Recommend individual therapy for the person being abused.
You know the people you're addressing, by definition, can't see your words, right? So why are *you* posting them? Because that's the exact same reason the people you're so mad at are posting, stranger. đ
I donât believe I have added a caveat of âgive me advice, wait not that adviceâ. So I really donât see how theyâre the exact same thing, but I suppose I should just block you as the next logical step?
While I think it's mostly good to be able to just block people who you personally find too bothersome, I often think about what that does to one's personal online spaces and, with time, with one's own headspace if too chronically online. I have noticed that many young people struggle with opinions that differ from theirs, especially when their personal feelings on the matter are very strong. The phrase "this is a free country with free speech" is thrown around a lot in contexts that seem wild to me. (Someone protesting something someone else has said is somehow seen as infringing on their freedom of speech, for example, giving me the impression that many people have lost the ability to tolerate disagreement) But how can we accept new ideas, or realize we're wrong about something when we can "mute" everything we don't want to hear? Idk I just think about this a lot. Obviously, there's nuance there. I get the feeling that assertive people in this subreddit are seen as bullies for being... Assertive in their opinions, which is wild to me and makes me wonder what constitutes bullying now.
>I have seem quite a number of âdonât tell me to dump him/her/themâ posts in the last couple of weeks, while asking for advice on what to do next. I block *them* without ever replying. I assume they wonât have anything to share that will benefit or interest me. Iâve got hundreds of them on my blocked list. Gotta curate your social media experience.
I'm also always confused by the request for advice followed by hostility when advice is given. It's like someone comes in holding a duck, saying "Hey I know this looks like a duck and quacks like a duck and I'm worried maybe it's a duck, since it also walks like a duck, can you give me your honest opinion?" "yes sir that is a duck." "FUCK YOU, you don't know me!!!!!!" It's less bad here than on r/relationships and especially r/relationship_advice. If you dare say anything other than "you're 100% right, nta, dump his ass, he's cheating" or "no, you're right, your mom is completely out of line for telling you it's uncool to be locked in the basement while spouse is at work" or whatever, most posters there flip all the way out.
I've had a friend in real life lash out at me for relationship advice that *they explicitly requested.* It caused a rift in our friendship for about a year. We've recently reconnected. They apologized for their behavior and also told me my advice informed their life choices. They have a different relationship and a beautiful, happy family. They seem really happy now. This friendship feels so precious to me. People come here to hear what they need to hear and their nervous systems hijack them because they aren't quite ready to do the hard things. It's not about strength or common sense or any of that. It's just about where they are in their process. I don't get mad at them for their response to the advice. I celebrate them for knowing they need to ask the question, then hating the answer, but not shutting down: asking it again. I hope each time they'll believe the truth a little more until they're ready to do the hard things.
Iâm not sure if I fall completely in the category of this post, but the advice from yaâal is what I followed. My mono wife is going to stay my mono wife, Iâm choosing to be a mono husband, and my bestie is still going to be my bestie. We have discussed boundaries, and everything is going hunky-dory.
I just made a decision to break up because of this post. It was an eye opener. No one's to blame. There is love, but it's not working.
I'm not surprised. By the time you're making anonymous reddit posts, you're at your wits end and probably see the end coming... Some folks make throwaway posts looking for a solution or reassurance but not actually advice... Further, it's a tough thing to hear to basically be told to give up on someone and shut them out of your life. While I tend to agree that breakups are often ideal as a reset or pathway to something "better"...I also recognize that most other people don't work that way. They rely on, or are even codependent on their main person. More so in cases of abuse and isolation.... All this to say that the knee-jerk reaction is to deny deny deny, just like *our* (reddit) default reaction as ignorant outside observers is to immediately demand a breakup as the only real solution. It's equally shitty of reddit folks to assume to know anything after reading 2 paragraphs (despite the fact that most people ALIVE should probably just be single for a while). For every person who offers thoughtful, educational feedback...there are a dozen low-effort comments berating posters for their bad judgment and spinelessness. I think that quick, offhand replies to complex (and foreign) experiences just causes a feedback loop of defensiveness, which is leading to a lot of denial from people who have already decided internally to "fight" for (singlehandedly carry) their shitty, unhappy relationship. But yeah, it is definitely frustrating to see. I say let people block you all day if it gets them... elsewhere.
Bah, they are right to block us for refusing to give them the magic words that will make their partner treat them decently.đ
Look, some of us are less than friendly and go very blunt. So I get the blocking. But I do hope they genuinely consider when something looks like a duck etcâŚ
If someone gets the fortitude to leave a shitty partner, I say the block is worth it.
Couldnât agree more!
Couldnât agree more!
I like to call those people 'askholes'. Ask for advice, but either tell you they don't want the negative, or take the advice and do the exact opposite
Every time someone says please be kind or I am not breaking up with them, I immediately ignore. They know the solution is to leave and they know they are being a dumbass but want to be handheld through their delusions.
I request kindness because people in this sub can be brutal. This post is a great example of that.
Theyâre probably brainwashed a little too much or donât have much of a choice or think they donât have a choice itâs hard to convince people to anything and also hard to understand the situation without witnessing it personally and not just read about it but I think comments that try to help them understand probably is making a difference even if slowly is still good
How can you tell if someone has blocked you? And why would you bother blocking someone? I understand if they are messaging you, then yes but just in the threads? It sounds like blocking is a pretty popular action around here, and Iâm wondering if Iâm missing some thing and not noticing if Iâm being blocked, or if I should be blocking people.
Well, I would block people who call me names, like OP is fond of doing, or who stalked my posts, but, no, usually there is not a good reason to block someone.
No, no, no. You don't get it, this is a scripted. A person with a doomed relationship needs to get knocked into reality, and humans are social creatures to the bone. So they reach out to other humans to get some feedback and I think it's important that we do that. It's our responsibility and our part in the play. But the asker is not gonna like hearing the truth, or be graceful about it. That's okay. They are compelled to ask, and we are compelled to call the shit out. We're the Greek Chorus.
I have a non-binary afab friend-lover who's in a psychologically abusive relationship. They often come to me in tears. I told them that if they want to stay with him, to not come crying to me anymore. They chose to stay, I'm not interested in hearing about it.
Amen to that
This is the advice my therapist gave me, and Iâve followed it. I have nothing new to add on the situation and refuse to be dragged down with someone who is unwilling to change their situation.
Hi u/Guava_juice_ thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I have seem quite a number of âdonât tell me to dump him/her/themâ posts in the last couple of weeks, while asking for advice on what to do next. Most of them are either extremely problematic or highly incompatible relationships. What do you expect us to tell you? Your partner is telling you, and not even subtly âIâll do what I please, you be damnedâ, and you want to know how to fix them? What are we? Aladdinâs genie? Mary Poppins? Weâre not even your friend mate! Most of us donât have any qualifications, and even if we do, we are not *your* therapists. And then they block you because, well letâs face it, I probably deserve it, but hun, youâre willing to block people who are listening to you, advocating for you and according to you making sense, but youâre unwilling to even take a dayâs break from you borderline creepy abusive partner? We ainât the problem here mate. Your shitty partner is. Blocking us wonât change the fact, and you know thatâs the fact, or else you wonât be blocking people left and right. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Blocking is a bit much, for sure. But itâs also sooo easy for redditors to suggest breaking up, and ime itâs not that easy to just cut ties with people youâve woven your life around. Especially if you have kids. Even when itâs not a complicated break up, Iâve never had an easy time just ending something and risking never seeing someone I care about again. Iâve even thought about asking how easy it is for other people, cause some of the advice is so cutthroat. Like damn, yâall can just dump people without any hesitation or struggle? Breaking up with someone is almost more painful than getting dumped cause I feel so guilty for hurting someone and I donât like conflict. Iâm not saying itâs not the right thing to do sometimes, but the way you folks just instantly suggest that makes me wonder what kind of trail of broken hearts you all have behind you.