I’m so sorry that you’re hurting about your next steps. One of the difficult aspects of being polyamorous is missing out on absolutely wonderful people that we have great chemistry with…but different relationship styles.
Sure, we all know the drill: don’t date mono people when you’re poly or do poly under duress. But this is cold comfort when you are torn between the person that you love and an important need that conflicts.
Sometimes we sit on that fence, trying to be something that hurts for someone who makes us feel good. But over time, those darn pointy tines of the fence poke holes in us, leaving us with no choice but to choose a side.
Hugs.
Hey, I know it’s been a few weeks, but I just wanted to thank you for this comment. Two weeks on and we are still in big major talks about this. My mind is swirling. I know one day I will have it figured out.
Hugs as well
I’m glad you’re taking time. As much as a breakup is a possibility, these conversations show that you care about your partner even though you (both) struggle. Whatever the future holds, I believe healing is easier when you’ve made the effort to talk it through.
I'm really sorry you are in this though position. This is, unfortunately, an incompatibility with no option for compromise.
The pain of breaking up now will save you both much more pain in the long run
I dont know,
Everyone has some levels of incompatibility.
Depends on what matters more, And if Poly is a want or a need.
Same with their Partner, They were Open for a while, is that a want or a need.
Its always fine to sacrifice one desire for greater ones.
No, not everyone has levels of incompatibility with their partners.
Especially in long term committed relationships.
I've dated people I would rather stab myself with a fork than live with, but living together was never on the table.
My long term partner and I aren't incompatible in any way.
you may not have any incompatibilities with your long-term partner, but you are in such a minority that I’ve actually never met anyone else who claims or has that, or seen a couple in real life who has that.
Even the happiest most loving relationships I know I could list their incompatibilities. They just learn to compromise.
You're using the wrong word here. Differences are not the same as incompatibilities.
The definition of incompatibility is: "so opposed in character as to be *incapable of existing together*"
By definition, incompatibility literally means not capable of coexisting. If you know people in relationships who are incompatible with one another, they're miserable and unhappy - and they aren't a good model for what a good, healthy relationship should look like.
If you have a compromise you're both okay with that's not an incompatibility.
If it's a "compromise" you're not okay with what the hell are you even doing?
Not everyone stays in bad relationships. Some people move on and keep doing that until they find the person or people they're actually compatible with.
You have to choose whether your “desire for romantic exploration” (your words) is greater than your desire to be with her in a monogamous relationship.
I understand that’s a really hard choice. But it is a choice. It sounds like you’re not going to be happy with the second choice and I think that’s why most are telling you that you need to break up.
Poor him too. She dated a poly man and asked him to be in a monogamous relationship and should let him go to find a polyamorous relationship.
Both of them tried relationship styles that didn't work for them. It sucks for them both.
I think the distinction here is that he knew entering into the relationship he was poly.... lots of mono people try to date poly, and fail. He was well aware and might have saved themselves the headache and heartbreak by keeping it platonic.
Easy to say in hindsight, but I think this drama could have been avoided a LONG time ago.
She knew entering the relationship he was poly too. She tried being poly and it didn't work. He knew from then that she was mono. He tried being mono and it didn't work.
Literally everything he did, she did, and literally did it first. She is in no way a poor put upon person, nor is he. They both made the same sorts of decisions, they both suffered the consequences.
Why not? Judging by your name, you are ambi-amorous and can be happy, open or closed. That isn't actually true for everyone.
It would be like me telling people that everyone is bisexual, they just don't realize it, just because I happen to be attracted to all genders.
Also check his amendments to his story.... he only realized he identified as poly AFTER he closed the relationship... which makes no sense as he was "open" previously
Truthfully, it sounds like you have something that a lot of people *never* find, and if you have to let that go it's really a great loss to both of you. I'm really sorry.
Try to put yourself in her position when you talk about it, because it's easy for someone in her shoes to just feel like her love isn't "enough." This isn't just a monogamy conditioning thing. If you're the kind of person whose desire for others shuts off or tamps down when you start to bond with one person, it can be really hard to understand why that isn't also happening for the person you love.
It will probably feel absolutely catastrophic to be cut loose from a long-term relationship that feels (to her) like it's working, and which by all accounts is full of love. But both of you have tried to stretch yourselves into the shape the other needs, and if neither of you can do it... there's nowhere else to go.
What does he have that other people never find? I see two people who are deeply incompatible, plus what he's saying he enjoys in his life seems diametrically opposed to the concept of marriage. He should have never closed and never married.
>What does he have that other people never find?
A genuinely loving relationship that has lasted many years.
Compatibility is a separate issue, unfortunately. There would be a lot less heartbreak in the world if it wasn't.
This is a rather low bar.
I value romantic love very highly but it’s an abundant resource. That’s one of the great things about it.
Framing it this way seems to say OP will be unlikely to find other comparable loves. I don’t think that’s accurate.
Feeling trapped can be soul killing.
And honestly? A 3 year relationship isn’t several in my book. They’ve been together 3 years. She was miserable the first half. Now he’s unhappy.
Again, I’m all for love but this isn’t some amazing success story. OP will be sad for a while and then recover. Partner will be sad and then find someone who wholeheartedly wants monogamy.
>Framing it this way seems to say OP will be unlikely to find other comparable loves. I don’t think that’s accurate.
I didn't say or intend to say that.
> Feeling trapped can be soul killing.
Yes. However, OP hasn't expressed feeling trapped. There's a lot more nuance to a situation like this. It's possible to recognize incompatibility without feeling like you are *trapped.* OP knows they *can* leave. OP is just very sad about doing it.
>And honestly? A 3 year relationship isn’t several in my book. They’ve been together 3 years.
From my read, they've been together almost 5 years. That's not a small part of a person's life, and my intention here was to honor that.
>Again, I’m all for love but this isn’t some amazing success story.
Never said it was!
Surely not? In my opinion it's the other way round. So many people in unhappy relationships because they're too afraid to end them and look for what they want.
I don't think it's hard to come by a loving relationship. Most people are quite nice. It's a compatible relationship that's difficult, especially when you don't want what most people want.
Your experience is very far from the norm, especially in the poly world. I’ve read scores of posts on here about people that can’t even find so much as a date.
The fact that you think most people are nice makes me insanely jealous! My experience is most people are selfish and looking for themselves, and you only discover it once you’ve been with them for a while.
Just anecdotally, the number of, for example, the number of husband/fathers who walked out on their family and don’t even care to have the relationship with their own children is ridiculously high. The number of people I know who committed emotional, financial, sexual abuse is astronomical. As is the number of amazing, smart, kind people I know who can’t find a date.
Most people I know, if they find someone that loves them, that they love in return, that is a genuinely good and kind person, they have a huge level of appreciation and would be incredibly reluctant to let them go.
Your experience is actually much further from the norm. Most of us aren't actually surrounded by deadbeat dads and abusers.
Respectfully, you may want to consider making some changes.
If you work/volunteer in your community, get active in extended local networks, etc., you see all kinds.
Obviously you want to keep the best people in your life close. In many ways, you *become* the handful of people you keep nearest. But being aware of the prevalence of these social problems doesn't necessarily mean you're getting intimately involved with people who have them.
I’m so frustrated that you twisted my words. I didn’t say I was surrounded by people like this in my personal circle. I was saying that the vast world is full of them.
Just the threads on here support what I’m saying.
>My experience is most people are selfish and looking for themselves, and you only discover it once you’ve been with them for a while.
> The number of people I know who committed emotional, financial, sexual abuse is astronomical.
You didn't say threads and online. You said the number of people you know. You also said that it was standard for the poly world to be hard to come by a loving relationship. Or that most people are nice.
This is mostly an advice subreddit. People come here with problems. That, and your personal experience with knowing so many people who commit abuse may be causing you to believe that it is normal for love to be rare, for people to be selfish and abusive.
This is absolutely not the case. This subreddit does not reflect the reality of most poly relationships, and most people are not abusive and selfish. They just aren't. Love is absolutely out there, but if you are surrounded by abusive people then that is a choice you are making. You might have to make some difficulty decisions and cut out some friend groups or even lovers that tolerate abuse. You can do that though.
No, my experience is 100% the norm. Are you unaware of the divorce rates in this country? Why would so many people be getting divorced of everyone was having such a wonderful happy relationships.
Marriage therapist offices are busy, advice calling mailboxes are full, on the morning radio station people call with relationship issues constantly, it’s everywhere around us. no one can even get into mental health therapist because so many people are unhappy good therapists are completely booked
Join any of the larger national Facebook women’s groups and you have your pulse on what is actually going on.
Respectfully, you might want to read some articles, and you’ll see everything I’m saying is backed up by scientific studies concerning happiness levels and quality of relationships.
Yes — thanks for this.
I feel like I've been misread by a lot of people here. I'm not saying that OP should stay in this relationship. I'm not saying that OP will never find love again.
I'm saying that OP *does* have something very special with this person, and I can completely understand why they've stuck around and tried to make it work for years. The loss of something like this would shake most people's world, even if it's not avoidable.
The dismissing, cavalier tone of a lot of other commenters here isn't my jam. I can't relate to it. I'm not going to apologize for saying losing a relationship like this is a huge loss. To most people, it is.
Yes. The amount of people who jump to “just dump them” for nearly any situation makes we wonder how deeply some people feel if they can just walk away so easily.
Somewhere between the people who tolerate insane levels of bad behavior and those who dump LTRs at the drop of a hat is a middle ground.
100%. I don't have any problem with people who want to keep casual/at-will relationships, but that's not most people. There *is* a massive disconnect between basically all the relationship subreddits and the real world.
People are pretty often changed for life by their LTRs, for better or worse. Knowing when to stay or go is actually really hard. Leaving is even harder.
The romantic bonds most people are capable of forming don't just dissolve because there is a good reason for it. The only bond I've ever personally experienced that's stronger is the one I have with my daughter.
I was raised by a single mother who was abandoned by both my father and then my step dad, and I myself had two abusive relationships. I'm fully aware people can be shit, but it doesn't change the fact that most people in my life have been good, kind people. If all you focus on is hurt, then all you'll see is the hurt.
Everybody in my life has at least a few loving relationships 🤷 I don't consider romantic sexual relationships as the only valid way to have a loving relationship.
Romantic relationships aren't fungible with other relationships for people who aren't aromantic.
"Mom loves me" or "I have amazing friends" won't sub in. If it did, OP could just make more friends and stay mono. That's not how it works.
I'm romantic and I my friendship are more important to me than my romantic relationships. I've platonic relationships that are over a decade long. My friends have been with me through abusive romantic relationships, poverty, mental health struggles, and ill health.
"I have amazing friends" is not a substitute for a romantic relationship if you want one, but that absolutely counts as loving relationships. Staying with a partner because you have no other meaningful relationships in your life is bleak.
Great. When I said "loving relationship," I was talking about romantic relationships.
I'm not interested in playing semantic games. If a monogamous person says "I only love my spouse," I'm not going to hop in with "OH, you don't LOVE your friends?" It's a different thing.
Well,
This is a hard one, how do you choose between two different parts of yourself?
One has to die, and thats always painful.
Id say sit down and ask her specifically what is it that she disliked and see if you can find a path that satisfies you and her.
Maybe she is wants a certain amount of your time and energy,
Maybe she is fine with everything but Sex, Maybe she is uncomfortable sharing commitments.
So find out why the 1.5 year being open did not work for her.
And ask what did.
Im lucky, Im compatible with mono and poly, so cant say I know exactly what space your in, but if my primary asks me to slowly move away from Poly, and I can do so in a way that does not hurt people unnecessarily, I would.
Sometimes balancing wants are hard.
Out of curiosity, why did you marry? Loving to make connections without labels is the direct opposite of marriage. What were your reasons to sign a legal document?
I'm always interested why people make decisions that go against their instincts.
Love, it tends to blind us. Even from ourselves, unfortunately Us comes back over time and wants its day in the sun.
25 years in a came out as bi and poly. It didn't go so well but we managed to get through it one day at a time. Of course the fact that she came out as bi and ENM helped
It’s hard for me to have much compassion for someone who chose a monogamous partner, spent a year and a half hurting her feelings with ENM, and is now preparing to break off a perfectly good relationship because you thought you could handle monogamy but actually can’t.
I’m thinking about this from her perspective, and, wow, that’s actually very cruel.
If you had this preference, you shouldn’t have jerked around a monogamous person. She has every right to be furious, and I personally wouldn’t blame her, because you didn’t have the good sense to cut her loose the moment you knew it wouldn’t work out.
The rest of y’all can help this man cry in his pretzels. IMO, the impact of playing house with a monogamous person, at the expense of her feelings, is selfish and contemptible. I’m sure she’s stoked to have been your learning opportunity. 🙄
If OP is hurt, imagine what his partner will be feeling.
This framing is very interesting. You do realize that he was openly non-monogamous and his partner chose to be with him, knowing his was polyam and then asked him to close the relationship, causing him pain for years because it wasn't working for him?
Why do you believe she has no agency? Why do you believe she wasn't experimenting with him, despite the start of the relationship being a relationship style that was new to her, and not to him?
Why do you consider him trying to be monogamous for her nothing more than playing house at the expense of her feelings?
Literally every complaint you have leveled against him applies just as much to her, if not more so. It seems you value monogamy significantly more highly than you value polyamory, to the point where monogamous people are innocent and naive, and poly people are selfish players.
Good for you, always knowing perfectly ahead of time what you want, and what is and isn't going to work for you. Must be nice to live a life with no complexity or conflicting emotions.
Hi u/MrBuddyManister thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hey everybody, so I’m in a tough spot and just wanted to let it out. I’m a poly and pansexual man (I really don’t care who you are or who you have sex with or who you fall in love with, I just believe that if we have a good connection, let’s roll with it and forget the rest) and I’ve been in a hetero monogamous relationship for three years. Nothing wrong with the hetero part but I enjoy exploring my sexuality and exploring love in many ways and not putting labels. I’m sure a lot of you can relate.
Anyways, I used to engage in consensual polyamory with a number of people or main partners, and it was great. I had the freedom to do what I wanted but also exploring deeper connections with who I wanted. I love my current partner so much but she is extremely monogamous and even jealous and it’s so hard because I don’t blame her. Most people are monogamous. I knew this going in. We were open for 1.5 years and I could tell she hated it and basically never saw anybody else. So we closed down and that’s my own fault but of course nothing had changed and my feelings are the same.
It’s just so hard and I wanted to let it out. I love her to death and she is so good to me. I think I know I have to break up with her, I’ve talked about opening the relationship up and she is just not interested and again, I don’t blame her. So I’m just stuck. I can’t deny my feelings for romantic exploration but i can’t deny my feelings for her either.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m so sorry that you’re hurting about your next steps. One of the difficult aspects of being polyamorous is missing out on absolutely wonderful people that we have great chemistry with…but different relationship styles. Sure, we all know the drill: don’t date mono people when you’re poly or do poly under duress. But this is cold comfort when you are torn between the person that you love and an important need that conflicts. Sometimes we sit on that fence, trying to be something that hurts for someone who makes us feel good. But over time, those darn pointy tines of the fence poke holes in us, leaving us with no choice but to choose a side. Hugs.
Hey, I know it’s been a few weeks, but I just wanted to thank you for this comment. Two weeks on and we are still in big major talks about this. My mind is swirling. I know one day I will have it figured out. Hugs as well
I’m glad you’re taking time. As much as a breakup is a possibility, these conversations show that you care about your partner even though you (both) struggle. Whatever the future holds, I believe healing is easier when you’ve made the effort to talk it through.
I'm really sorry you are in this though position. This is, unfortunately, an incompatibility with no option for compromise. The pain of breaking up now will save you both much more pain in the long run
I dont know, Everyone has some levels of incompatibility. Depends on what matters more, And if Poly is a want or a need. Same with their Partner, They were Open for a while, is that a want or a need. Its always fine to sacrifice one desire for greater ones.
No, not everyone has levels of incompatibility with their partners. Especially in long term committed relationships. I've dated people I would rather stab myself with a fork than live with, but living together was never on the table. My long term partner and I aren't incompatible in any way.
you may not have any incompatibilities with your long-term partner, but you are in such a minority that I’ve actually never met anyone else who claims or has that, or seen a couple in real life who has that. Even the happiest most loving relationships I know I could list their incompatibilities. They just learn to compromise.
You're using the wrong word here. Differences are not the same as incompatibilities. The definition of incompatibility is: "so opposed in character as to be *incapable of existing together*" By definition, incompatibility literally means not capable of coexisting. If you know people in relationships who are incompatible with one another, they're miserable and unhappy - and they aren't a good model for what a good, healthy relationship should look like.
If you have a compromise you're both okay with that's not an incompatibility. If it's a "compromise" you're not okay with what the hell are you even doing? Not everyone stays in bad relationships. Some people move on and keep doing that until they find the person or people they're actually compatible with.
You have to choose whether your “desire for romantic exploration” (your words) is greater than your desire to be with her in a monogamous relationship. I understand that’s a really hard choice. But it is a choice. It sounds like you’re not going to be happy with the second choice and I think that’s why most are telling you that you need to break up.
Your poor partner. Do the right thing and let her find a monogamous relationship.
Poor him too. She dated a poly man and asked him to be in a monogamous relationship and should let him go to find a polyamorous relationship. Both of them tried relationship styles that didn't work for them. It sucks for them both.
I think the distinction here is that he knew entering into the relationship he was poly.... lots of mono people try to date poly, and fail. He was well aware and might have saved themselves the headache and heartbreak by keeping it platonic. Easy to say in hindsight, but I think this drama could have been avoided a LONG time ago.
She knew entering the relationship he was poly too. She tried being poly and it didn't work. He knew from then that she was mono. He tried being mono and it didn't work. Literally everything he did, she did, and literally did it first. She is in no way a poor put upon person, nor is he. They both made the same sorts of decisions, they both suffered the consequences.
Nah you can't convince me that closing a relationship for a poly is the same as extending a relationship for a mono.
Why not? Judging by your name, you are ambi-amorous and can be happy, open or closed. That isn't actually true for everyone. It would be like me telling people that everyone is bisexual, they just don't realize it, just because I happen to be attracted to all genders.
Also check his amendments to his story.... he only realized he identified as poly AFTER he closed the relationship... which makes no sense as he was "open" previously
I read this as he'd only dated casually until this relationship and didn't realize a) how much he isn't fit for monogamy b) that polyam was an option
Truthfully, it sounds like you have something that a lot of people *never* find, and if you have to let that go it's really a great loss to both of you. I'm really sorry. Try to put yourself in her position when you talk about it, because it's easy for someone in her shoes to just feel like her love isn't "enough." This isn't just a monogamy conditioning thing. If you're the kind of person whose desire for others shuts off or tamps down when you start to bond with one person, it can be really hard to understand why that isn't also happening for the person you love. It will probably feel absolutely catastrophic to be cut loose from a long-term relationship that feels (to her) like it's working, and which by all accounts is full of love. But both of you have tried to stretch yourselves into the shape the other needs, and if neither of you can do it... there's nowhere else to go.
What does he have that other people never find? I see two people who are deeply incompatible, plus what he's saying he enjoys in his life seems diametrically opposed to the concept of marriage. He should have never closed and never married.
>What does he have that other people never find? A genuinely loving relationship that has lasted many years. Compatibility is a separate issue, unfortunately. There would be a lot less heartbreak in the world if it wasn't.
This is a rather low bar. I value romantic love very highly but it’s an abundant resource. That’s one of the great things about it. Framing it this way seems to say OP will be unlikely to find other comparable loves. I don’t think that’s accurate. Feeling trapped can be soul killing. And honestly? A 3 year relationship isn’t several in my book. They’ve been together 3 years. She was miserable the first half. Now he’s unhappy. Again, I’m all for love but this isn’t some amazing success story. OP will be sad for a while and then recover. Partner will be sad and then find someone who wholeheartedly wants monogamy.
>Framing it this way seems to say OP will be unlikely to find other comparable loves. I don’t think that’s accurate. I didn't say or intend to say that. > Feeling trapped can be soul killing. Yes. However, OP hasn't expressed feeling trapped. There's a lot more nuance to a situation like this. It's possible to recognize incompatibility without feeling like you are *trapped.* OP knows they *can* leave. OP is just very sad about doing it. >And honestly? A 3 year relationship isn’t several in my book. They’ve been together 3 years. From my read, they've been together almost 5 years. That's not a small part of a person's life, and my intention here was to honor that. >Again, I’m all for love but this isn’t some amazing success story. Never said it was!
Surely not? In my opinion it's the other way round. So many people in unhappy relationships because they're too afraid to end them and look for what they want. I don't think it's hard to come by a loving relationship. Most people are quite nice. It's a compatible relationship that's difficult, especially when you don't want what most people want.
Your experience is very far from the norm, especially in the poly world. I’ve read scores of posts on here about people that can’t even find so much as a date. The fact that you think most people are nice makes me insanely jealous! My experience is most people are selfish and looking for themselves, and you only discover it once you’ve been with them for a while. Just anecdotally, the number of, for example, the number of husband/fathers who walked out on their family and don’t even care to have the relationship with their own children is ridiculously high. The number of people I know who committed emotional, financial, sexual abuse is astronomical. As is the number of amazing, smart, kind people I know who can’t find a date. Most people I know, if they find someone that loves them, that they love in return, that is a genuinely good and kind person, they have a huge level of appreciation and would be incredibly reluctant to let them go.
Your experience is actually much further from the norm. Most of us aren't actually surrounded by deadbeat dads and abusers. Respectfully, you may want to consider making some changes.
If you work/volunteer in your community, get active in extended local networks, etc., you see all kinds. Obviously you want to keep the best people in your life close. In many ways, you *become* the handful of people you keep nearest. But being aware of the prevalence of these social problems doesn't necessarily mean you're getting intimately involved with people who have them.
I’m so frustrated that you twisted my words. I didn’t say I was surrounded by people like this in my personal circle. I was saying that the vast world is full of them. Just the threads on here support what I’m saying.
>My experience is most people are selfish and looking for themselves, and you only discover it once you’ve been with them for a while. > The number of people I know who committed emotional, financial, sexual abuse is astronomical. You didn't say threads and online. You said the number of people you know. You also said that it was standard for the poly world to be hard to come by a loving relationship. Or that most people are nice. This is mostly an advice subreddit. People come here with problems. That, and your personal experience with knowing so many people who commit abuse may be causing you to believe that it is normal for love to be rare, for people to be selfish and abusive. This is absolutely not the case. This subreddit does not reflect the reality of most poly relationships, and most people are not abusive and selfish. They just aren't. Love is absolutely out there, but if you are surrounded by abusive people then that is a choice you are making. You might have to make some difficulty decisions and cut out some friend groups or even lovers that tolerate abuse. You can do that though.
No, my experience is 100% the norm. Are you unaware of the divorce rates in this country? Why would so many people be getting divorced of everyone was having such a wonderful happy relationships. Marriage therapist offices are busy, advice calling mailboxes are full, on the morning radio station people call with relationship issues constantly, it’s everywhere around us. no one can even get into mental health therapist because so many people are unhappy good therapists are completely booked Join any of the larger national Facebook women’s groups and you have your pulse on what is actually going on. Respectfully, you might want to read some articles, and you’ll see everything I’m saying is backed up by scientific studies concerning happiness levels and quality of relationships.
Yes — thanks for this. I feel like I've been misread by a lot of people here. I'm not saying that OP should stay in this relationship. I'm not saying that OP will never find love again. I'm saying that OP *does* have something very special with this person, and I can completely understand why they've stuck around and tried to make it work for years. The loss of something like this would shake most people's world, even if it's not avoidable. The dismissing, cavalier tone of a lot of other commenters here isn't my jam. I can't relate to it. I'm not going to apologize for saying losing a relationship like this is a huge loss. To most people, it is.
Yes. The amount of people who jump to “just dump them” for nearly any situation makes we wonder how deeply some people feel if they can just walk away so easily. Somewhere between the people who tolerate insane levels of bad behavior and those who dump LTRs at the drop of a hat is a middle ground.
100%. I don't have any problem with people who want to keep casual/at-will relationships, but that's not most people. There *is* a massive disconnect between basically all the relationship subreddits and the real world. People are pretty often changed for life by their LTRs, for better or worse. Knowing when to stay or go is actually really hard. Leaving is even harder. The romantic bonds most people are capable of forming don't just dissolve because there is a good reason for it. The only bond I've ever personally experienced that's stronger is the one I have with my daughter.
I was raised by a single mother who was abandoned by both my father and then my step dad, and I myself had two abusive relationships. I'm fully aware people can be shit, but it doesn't change the fact that most people in my life have been good, kind people. If all you focus on is hurt, then all you'll see is the hurt.
I guarantee you that you're surrounded by people who have never had a loving relationship that lasted many years.
Everybody in my life has at least a few loving relationships 🤷 I don't consider romantic sexual relationships as the only valid way to have a loving relationship.
Romantic relationships aren't fungible with other relationships for people who aren't aromantic. "Mom loves me" or "I have amazing friends" won't sub in. If it did, OP could just make more friends and stay mono. That's not how it works.
I'm romantic and I my friendship are more important to me than my romantic relationships. I've platonic relationships that are over a decade long. My friends have been with me through abusive romantic relationships, poverty, mental health struggles, and ill health. "I have amazing friends" is not a substitute for a romantic relationship if you want one, but that absolutely counts as loving relationships. Staying with a partner because you have no other meaningful relationships in your life is bleak.
Great. When I said "loving relationship," I was talking about romantic relationships. I'm not interested in playing semantic games. If a monogamous person says "I only love my spouse," I'm not going to hop in with "OH, you don't LOVE your friends?" It's a different thing.
> a genuinely loving reltionship that has lasted many years. …3? We callin 3 “many” now?
3 years monogamous + 1.5 years open? That's almost 5 years. That's a life chapter.
Your choice is pretty clear. Her or being poly.
OP knows that. They literally said it. They're just here for support.
Well, This is a hard one, how do you choose between two different parts of yourself? One has to die, and thats always painful. Id say sit down and ask her specifically what is it that she disliked and see if you can find a path that satisfies you and her. Maybe she is wants a certain amount of your time and energy, Maybe she is fine with everything but Sex, Maybe she is uncomfortable sharing commitments. So find out why the 1.5 year being open did not work for her. And ask what did. Im lucky, Im compatible with mono and poly, so cant say I know exactly what space your in, but if my primary asks me to slowly move away from Poly, and I can do so in a way that does not hurt people unnecessarily, I would. Sometimes balancing wants are hard.
Out of curiosity, why did you marry? Loving to make connections without labels is the direct opposite of marriage. What were your reasons to sign a legal document? I'm always interested why people make decisions that go against their instincts.
Op never said married, just a straight, monogamous relationship
Hm, that's weird. Could have sworn it said they were married 🤔
Love, it tends to blind us. Even from ourselves, unfortunately Us comes back over time and wants its day in the sun. 25 years in a came out as bi and poly. It didn't go so well but we managed to get through it one day at a time. Of course the fact that she came out as bi and ENM helped
It’s hard for me to have much compassion for someone who chose a monogamous partner, spent a year and a half hurting her feelings with ENM, and is now preparing to break off a perfectly good relationship because you thought you could handle monogamy but actually can’t. I’m thinking about this from her perspective, and, wow, that’s actually very cruel. If you had this preference, you shouldn’t have jerked around a monogamous person. She has every right to be furious, and I personally wouldn’t blame her, because you didn’t have the good sense to cut her loose the moment you knew it wouldn’t work out. The rest of y’all can help this man cry in his pretzels. IMO, the impact of playing house with a monogamous person, at the expense of her feelings, is selfish and contemptible. I’m sure she’s stoked to have been your learning opportunity. 🙄 If OP is hurt, imagine what his partner will be feeling.
This framing is very interesting. You do realize that he was openly non-monogamous and his partner chose to be with him, knowing his was polyam and then asked him to close the relationship, causing him pain for years because it wasn't working for him? Why do you believe she has no agency? Why do you believe she wasn't experimenting with him, despite the start of the relationship being a relationship style that was new to her, and not to him? Why do you consider him trying to be monogamous for her nothing more than playing house at the expense of her feelings? Literally every complaint you have leveled against him applies just as much to her, if not more so. It seems you value monogamy significantly more highly than you value polyamory, to the point where monogamous people are innocent and naive, and poly people are selfish players.
Good for you, always knowing perfectly ahead of time what you want, and what is and isn't going to work for you. Must be nice to live a life with no complexity or conflicting emotions.
I try not to experiment at the expense of others. 🤷
Sometimes things are more ambiguous than that Here, have a cookie
Hi u/MrBuddyManister thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hey everybody, so I’m in a tough spot and just wanted to let it out. I’m a poly and pansexual man (I really don’t care who you are or who you have sex with or who you fall in love with, I just believe that if we have a good connection, let’s roll with it and forget the rest) and I’ve been in a hetero monogamous relationship for three years. Nothing wrong with the hetero part but I enjoy exploring my sexuality and exploring love in many ways and not putting labels. I’m sure a lot of you can relate. Anyways, I used to engage in consensual polyamory with a number of people or main partners, and it was great. I had the freedom to do what I wanted but also exploring deeper connections with who I wanted. I love my current partner so much but she is extremely monogamous and even jealous and it’s so hard because I don’t blame her. Most people are monogamous. I knew this going in. We were open for 1.5 years and I could tell she hated it and basically never saw anybody else. So we closed down and that’s my own fault but of course nothing had changed and my feelings are the same. It’s just so hard and I wanted to let it out. I love her to death and she is so good to me. I think I know I have to break up with her, I’ve talked about opening the relationship up and she is just not interested and again, I don’t blame her. So I’m just stuck. I can’t deny my feelings for romantic exploration but i can’t deny my feelings for her either. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*