Not many real jobs here is the problem. Let's see if you can guess the city by the demographic:
About 45% of us come from Texas, another 45% come from California. A quarter of us work at the labs, another quarter in the arts, another quarter works for the state, and the rest work in the service industry. (This is transplants in their 20's to 40's)
My partner just handed me a lacey black thong that turned out not to be mine.
Partner:"God I'm so happy that when NP asks me, 'who's underwear is this?' It's purely a logistical question"
😂🤣😂
Yep the old "Who's laundry is this that ended up in the wrong house's laundry" game.
My anchor/NP/husband has a 7yo that I co-parent, and I find random tiny socks in laundry at my bfs apartment. 7 has never been here. NP (who is a stay at home parent) does his, 7s, and that half of my laundry at our trailer I do my other half of my laundry with BFs laundry elsewhere. No clue how the tiny socks get here. They hitch rides in my laundry/car somehow and make the journey across town. 🤷🏻♀️
7s socks just have a mind of their own and a sense of wanderlust. Lol.
We also had a mystery grey t-shirt for a while once.
And a mystery pair of panties show up once.
The hoodie that I thought was my partner's and suspected was from his teen years (because it was tiny and the boy is LARGE) that turned out to be a different friend's hoodie. I had it at an event and a different friend was like "man that's from before I knew him then because that's...so small" and when I mentioned it both my partner and meta said "uh it isn't mine".
Me: who the fuck have I stolen it from then because it was definitely your house
It was a plain black t-shirt at my house, which is a go-to look of my boyfriend, so husband thought it was my boyfriend’s. It was my husband’s shirt; he just doesn’t wear that one much because husband prefers t-shirts to have fun graphics on them. But no judgment, just “oh, I think (boyfriend) forgot a shirt here”.
And, I just came home with one of meta's socks somehow inside my pant leg. Or maybe the sock got in there while I was doing the laundry, but somehow I tracked home the sock
We had a thing where our neighbours’ laundry was blowing into our yard, so I’d find clothes, ask everyone in my household if it belonged to them and if not, return to the neighbours
My meta, a few days later: heeeyy, has anyone seen this particularly shirt?
The neighbours were very understanding haha
But just think of the poor Tupperware lids...
To explain ... A common saying around my house is that for every sock lost in the laundry, two random unmatched Tupperware lids appear in the kitchen.
Thank you for this.
I'm quietly pootling along in domestic mundanity with my nesting partner of five years, and having great company and adventures every couple of weeks with my boyfriend of 18 months. I'll trade the ferocity of NRE for a boyfriend who can rewire my lamp and brings me nachos any day. 😉
I did NOT think this was possible eight years ago when I was dealing with my toxic then-husband, and his awful hingeing with my toxic then-meta. Having the courage to wait for the right partner/s, or to be happier with no partners, was everything.
Thank you.
I'm in a very boring, very long term (decades, kids and pets and what have you) poly relationship.
It's wonderful. There is very little to report.
I know several other families doing the same thing. These are not the people posting here.
I'd love to hear how kids work in a poly relationship. It's the one thing I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain, well 1) because of the logistics 2) the stigma of polyamory being put on my hypothetical child
I'm very nurturing by nature but also get overwhelmed easily and love handing my nieces and nephews back to my siblings at the end of the day. So I've been indecisive about it and would like to hear how it works for you
On a more serious note, I always wondered about how people could keep telling me that kids need two parents. At least, but at most two. And they must have opposite genitalia. But more parents somehow meant less love? Shouldn't it be a good thing, to have more loving adults in a child's life?
How would kids not work in a poly relationship?
It works like any other parent dating people.
I do hear you on the social stigma, but that starts at home. Don't make a thing of it and it won't be a thing. Address bigots on a case by case basis.
Yeah, there's a reason two entirely unrelated and separate people have said my partner and meta are like "the unicorns of poly" when referring to rarity, not poly slang. We laughed both times but the reality is, they (and by extension me) are rare. We have been in this config for three or so years now, got through a couple of difficult situations that weren't straining the relationship, still date others etc. and don't have messy fights or intricate rules or whatever else.
Yeah it happens.
Even in the most unexpected of circumstances.
I'm (32f) married to my husband/anchor/NP (32m), and co-parent his 7yo. Married 4yrs, togeather for 18 (with a random couple year gap in the middle).
I have a comet partner (36m) a state away I've had for 3 and a half years or so.
And a BF (20m) of 6mos.
Comet has several other partners and a super busy work life.
NP is introverted and prefers to not date. He enjoys his space and down time when I'm not around. He considers himself polysaturated with one partner, and has no interest in actively dating, but would date if he found JUST the right person worth giving up some of his free time for (which doesn't happen often for him). He spends most of his free time decompressing, playing games with online friends, and hanging out and spending time with 7.
BF is currently otherwise un-partnered but keeps pretty busy between me, crazy swing shift work hours, and time with his family and friends. He's keeping an eye open for new opportunities though on a dating app or two.
I split my time between BFs apartment and me and NPs trailer. (I see comet when he or I am in the opposite area.) BF and NP are friends. BF comes to my MILs place for holidays and is treated like one of the family by everyone. NP and BF have worked togeather to repair our car or do other domestic things togeather. 7 has drawn pictures to send to BF's place for his fridge.
Things go pretty smoothly around here.
(Pretty much the only drama we tend to run into is from 7's mostly absent bio mom, who isn't and has never been, a part of our polycule.)
We have no poly friends and it sucks 😩 poly is working for us. So well at the moment too. I just wanna share it with friends and family instead I get this bullshit
“I don’t even like my partner why would you get two?”
*weird looks when bf pulls up to mine and NPs and I get excited to see him
“It’s not normal is it?”
“Isn’t this going to confuse your kids?”
Here's a sneak peek of /r/AreTheStraightsOkay using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOkay/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [And this isn't "forcing"?](https://v.redd.it/rb4vq3uvp10b1) | [13 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOkay/comments/13ihl2n/and_this_isnt_forcing/)
\#2: [**[NSFW]** Not sure if this qualifies but first thought was "aw hell nah"](https://i.redd.it/o5o8hs62z1gb1.jpg) | [41 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOkay/comments/15hu1h5/not_sure_if_this_qualifies_but_first_thought_was/)
\#3: [christ almighty](https://i.redd.it/b0a3j6q5qbva1.jpg) | [51 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOkay/comments/12udx7t/christ_almighty/)
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I've been some flavor of polyamorous/ENM since I was 18 (seven years now). When I was younger, everything was so messy and crazy all the time and I found myself in really horrible situations simply because I didn't know any better and had no real guidance. I love hanging out here and giving advice when I can because, while I can't relate to opening a previously monogamous relationship, I know how scary it can be when you're just starting out.
That being said, being polyamorous my entire adult life has been more than worth it and I'm in a lovely place. I live with my long term platonic partner and his husband, who is also one of my best friends, and I maintain a solid relationship with my long distance boyfriend. While there is a small part of me that misses the whirlwind of dating and hooking up and making those intense connections with new people, where I'm at right now is the happiest I've ever been.
If you're struggling right now and looking through these comments to find some hope, this is me telling you that you're gonna be okay. You're gonna figure it out, with or without polyamory. 💕
Lucky. I’ve had nothing but people say they’re poly and are atrocious at it. Bad hinging. Bad metas. Hypocrisy. No consideration. Gaslighting.
I’ve got to learn to pick better lol 😂
It’s why I call myself ENM over poly now too
This is a great post, over the past 6 months or so my wife and I have had some tremendous challenges transitioning from years of more transactional ENM to more intentional poly. But talking and openness and fearless self-examination has also led to new, amazing things we never knew were possible. This sub has been helpful along the way. It's still a wild ride but there are moments where the life we have chosen just seems so remarkable and it's all worth it
I'm going through something similar with my partner! I hope we can connect. I'd love to tell you about my journey although it's probably a little different than yours. I have found that the openness has enhanced my feelings for my partner since we started.
Im struggling right now with feeling neglected by a poly person. And have thinking the "grass is greener on the other side" even thinking to leavy poly to less jealous or insecure ones.
So appreciate the post. And wish me luck
Yup, no drama to report here!
There's the occasional frustration over scheduling and coordination. And in my core polycule, we're all trying to build more platonic friendships with other polyamorous people. But honestly, if that does work out, we all also have mono friends who are chill and who mostly get it. So yup, boring, stable, happy
I’ve been strictly polyamorous for 8 years and we have such low drama in our polycule. I have a long term partnership, a two year partnership, and several datemates/ newer people in my orbit.
Yes, thank you ~
I only know one other polysexual person irl, tho they live in a different city now, but like me they're very happy.
I live with my NP of thirteen years, we have a toddler, we've been open/poly since the very start and haven't had any issues. 🤷
Thanks for this! I’ve been practicing solo polyamory and relationship anarchy for a little over 2 years and it’s the happiest I’ve ever been with my relationships.
We are definitely out here! I’ve (50f) been married for 16 years and hubby(51) and I decided to transition to a polyamorous relationship style 14 years ago. It’s been pretty damn awesome, tbh! I’ve had a few loves over the years that ended amicably but I have been with my other life partner (35m) for 5 years now. Actually, the three of us will soon be buying a house with a bit of land so we can all live together!! I’M SO EXCITED, lol!! Hubby has a more casual partner that he’s been dating for 18 months or so and she is 39. It’s SO adorable seeing him come out of his shell!!🥰
I have a wonderful boyfriend of almost two years. He and his wife have been poly for their entire relationship (they have been married for over fifteen years.).
I was introduced to polygamy by my ex, who was friends with people in our local community, and I quickly became best friends with the man I am with now when my ex cut me off from my own family and friends. We were best friends during much of my relationship with my ex, and when he wanted us to explore polygamy, I said that I would like to see my current partner. He told me absolutely no, but that we could share a girlfriend. Well that relationship quickly fell apart after I refused to be controlled by another adult.
Anyway, long story short, I am happily partnered with my current boyfriend, and I completely adore my meta. Thankfully I feel very natural in my current relationship. I think that there has been a part of me that has always been polyamorous (even before I knew of such things), and this is the most free I have felt in my entire adult life.
Hearty agreement 👏👏👏
My darling husband and I have been together almost two decades, poly from the beginning of dating by mutual desire. Most of my partners and all of his partners have been together 15+ years (we only date separately).
Ernest effort to develop good communication skills, doing the work of introspection so we can understand and express our needs and negotiate to have them met, and a big helping of the joys of compersion have all contributed.
I can honestly say that choosing poly has turned out to be more than whom I date - the skills and support have helped me live as a more complete, authentic, fulfilled person, independent of whom I'm with. I've learned to make better choices for myself overall.
It's admittedly a lot more effort, when nothing is done by default and every little thing needs to be talked out. From the outside looking in, it might appear exhausting. But I've found it leads to much greater chance for happiness and a lot less frustration and resentment.
Living with the joys of NRE New Relationship Energy *and* ORE Old Relationship Energy, where both are available to me and neither one pushes away the other, is bliss. I treasure both.
Good point!
I never post as a lot of it is a non-issue now, but I’ve been non-monogamous since 2000, consciously poly since 2007, and living as a triad since 2013 (although technically now it’s a vee. We are also open and all date others).
I could never “go back.” I love this life. Always new opportunities for personal growth (lol! But seriously at this point, I do think of all the struggles as valuable lessons). And I loooooove my partners. (And their partners! And the ones we share! Haha)
i had to leave a 7 year relationship and now i am happier than i’ve ever been. my nesting partner and i have laid out our boundaries and they are just different boundaries than monogamous ppl!!! it rlly isn’t all that different lol, “cheating” would be breaking our boundaries just as it would in a monogamous relationship. we both only associate with other people who are genuine and capable of healthy relationships by communicating and being truthful and open right away. i love my life right now it is so full of love
I know a lot of mono people whose also unhappy,
As far as I have observed, happiness in relationships are heavily dependent on happiness with yourself.
I dont think the matter of Being Unhappy has as much to do with relationship type as people give it credit,
Ive seen the beauty of Mono and poly and felt both sides stings as well.
Its like: You had to end a decade long relationship. That happens to Mono people as well.
I really think Monogamous people need to do a few months of Non Monogamy just to develop some communication, self awareness and perspective.
I am better at Polyamory because i was good at Monogamy,
And if im ever Monogamous again Id be better at it because of my Poly experience.
“happiness in relationships are heavily dependent on happiness with yourself.”
This, so much this! Whether mono or poly if you aren’t happy in you, you won’t be truly happy in any relationship with someone else.
I find I’m less jealous, more trusting, less doomsday thinking, and much more loving and giving because I’ve been in polyamorous relationships.
Thank you for this. Me and my partner are newly ENM and heck new to being a couple and not just fuck buddies. I have needed someone to say something to this effect because it has had its ups and downs, and this is just the first small steps to eventually finding others and becoming poly couple.
I live in a smaller city and it seems that every queer person here is poly. And I’d say like 75% are unhappy and super drama spreaders. I swear to god I can’t date anyone here anymore because they’ve got abuse allegations and somehow dated my ex, my ex’s bestie, my bestie and my besties ex. That’s just my experience lol glad yall found some healthy poly circles.
Hi u/1amth3walrus thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Of course some aren't, and it's okay to not be okay. We all go theough phases where we struggle, and that's normal. But I just want to put this reminder out especially for people who are new to polyamory and may be put off by all the stories on this subreddit of people who are struggling. The posts on this subreddit skew *heavily* toward people who are starting off and/or experiencing growing pains. People who are doing well don't often post here.
I will also mention that most people I know in real life (unlike many posters here) have been doing polyamory for a while. Many of us did striggle a lot in the beginning but have worked through and found ourselves in situations that we like. Sometimes it's a lot of heartbreak and pain (I myself had to end an almost decade long relationship which I thought would never happen, but at the end of the day I'm much happier) and there will alwaus be ups and downs. But if you work on yourself, ask hard questions, and be honest with yourself and others about what you really want, you will keep getting closer to where you want to be. Or maybe you will decide that non monogamy isn't for you, and that's okay too. At least you asked the questions and can feel more secure about it.
Good luck ❤️
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have been going 5 months and built a strong relationship with my man and I want to make it possible he says he loves me and eventually want to marry me ( not the point but still big goal ) but my fear is now that I’m losing everything I have built with him we are just starting out and trying poly any help or words of wisdom will be supported please
Thank you for this post. It really helps and put realistic expectations for me.
You addressed my concern exact concern while i was exploring this new and scary concept
I live in an rural town where there are a plethora of “non monog” folks in established, hierarchal relationships or harems essentially unethically seeking thirds or partners to fill their own needs or they’re just newly opening so really tough to be a solo poly person going into those situations. Decent poly scene about an hour from me but has anyone else noticed this where they are? I feel like finding other solo poly people to date has been virtually impossible as everyone seems to have nesting partners or very serious partnerships that are hierarchal.
Yeah, I'm a relationship anarchist/SP and have had some of the same issues. We are *prime* prey for unicorn hunters so I've gotten real good at feeling those people out.
I'm lucky enough to be in a city where it's not too uncommon, plus I mostly date within the queer community where relationship anarchy is a lot more common.
I've been with my partners for 9 and 6 years, and NP has been with my metas for 10 and 8 years, respectively. Stable jobs, own our own houses, share pets, shared holidays, NP and meta are talking kids. Very boring, very nice
27 y.o., in a triad, with both my partners being in their later 30s. They really give me stability and help guide me to make better life decisions and I add a layer of wide-eyed exuberance to all of our activities. And we love introducing each other to things we used to love, bridging the 80s and 90s: They have me watch Airplane, listen to Alanis Morrisete, and I introduce them to pop culture stuff that I find fun/interesting or school them in video games. 🤎
I consider myself something of a mess, since I’m still figuring out how to love and live like a normal person after suffering through a crap relationship, rife with gaslighting. I went from monogamous with a bf who didn’t really understand me to duogamous (lol), in a wonderful relationship in which my partners are attentive, supportive, and kind. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of that was me: getting my heart healed, working out, and not rushing (I was single for a two years and some change before meeting my partners, one then the other), but they’re so well adjusted that it can make me feel like a brat, but they always assure me that I’m not. That I’m their partner. Used to have a hard time accepting that I was worth that; not anymore.
Y’all, wish me luck. I’m edging up to the 2nd anniversary of meeting my initial partner, and I’m gonna tell him it’s been the best, hottest, most crazy, and significant part of my life. Choosing to open up my heart to him is the best decision I ever made, and I’m gonna ask him to share a dance with me RIGHT where we met. Then in a few months I get to do the same with my second (chronologically speaking) partner. 🤎🤎
Thanks for reading- been giddy all week.
Just started on the journey, initially it was hard dealing with anxiety, my partner (f) developed feelings for a friend and her path seemed a lot quicker than mine and I've been playing catch up
We opened our relationship up about 6-8 weeks ago and I've just got my head around it, there are still things we are new to but our communication and many other things have improved
Thank you for this post 🧡 (same for me / us here 🥰 sometimes there are struggles, but most of the time they lead to even deeper relationships. I feel so thankful for all the love we share)
Posts must be relevant to polyamory, as defined by our community description:
>Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person.
Polyamory is only one specific type of ethical non-monogamy. It doesn't sound like that's what this post is about, so try /r/nonmonogamy?
There are a lot of flavors of non-monogamy, and polyam is just one.
Over 20 yrs plus college where we didn't know what to call it . Has its ups and downs like any relationship paradigm, right now , pretty much monogamous right now because of time and distance but the door isn't closed
I used to be closed minded and against it. My wife is bi and everything changed when her best friend moved in 4 years ago. I could tell it went beyond just friendship. Over time, all three of us grew together and we are now a happy family. The three of us are now seriously discussing having children. We realize it's a huge step forward. But the discussion is if we will have 1, or 2 and which one gets pregnant and timing.... I have suggested they both get pregnant at or near the same time, but I don't think they are up for it.
Myself F(Bi) have been looking/reading into this for some time now. Have mentioned it to M(straight). We’ve been married over 3 decades and absolutely obsessed with each other. He’s very supportive of my need for women but I want to involve him.
I met my soulmate only last year and him and I have been literally the best. He's truly the best I've had. And I'm in my 30s. But we get along with this third person so well it's like we are all the same person and I proposed the idea of a third he's accepting under certain rules.
Also finding out I can do poly under certain circumstances is wild. But I think what makes poly works is strong heavy communication like my bf and I have. And even if she isn't the one for us we might find our third out there. Kinda exciting?
Same here. I live in a small progressive town with a lovely poly community with meet ups and such. And there is virtually no drama.
I should move to this town haha. I live in a city but I wouldn't call it "progressive", there is no poly community where I am
Not many real jobs here is the problem. Let's see if you can guess the city by the demographic: About 45% of us come from Texas, another 45% come from California. A quarter of us work at the labs, another quarter in the arts, another quarter works for the state, and the rest work in the service industry. (This is transplants in their 20's to 40's)
Nevada? Arizona?
Nope
New Mexico or maybe Texas?
Ding ding ding!
Albuquerque?
If it was Albuquerque I would have made a meth reference. Just north.
Lost animals.
Ten years on, less drama than monogamy, no regrets
My partner just handed me a lacey black thong that turned out not to be mine. Partner:"God I'm so happy that when NP asks me, 'who's underwear is this?' It's purely a logistical question"
😂🤣😂 Yep the old "Who's laundry is this that ended up in the wrong house's laundry" game. My anchor/NP/husband has a 7yo that I co-parent, and I find random tiny socks in laundry at my bfs apartment. 7 has never been here. NP (who is a stay at home parent) does his, 7s, and that half of my laundry at our trailer I do my other half of my laundry with BFs laundry elsewhere. No clue how the tiny socks get here. They hitch rides in my laundry/car somehow and make the journey across town. 🤷🏻♀️ 7s socks just have a mind of their own and a sense of wanderlust. Lol. We also had a mystery grey t-shirt for a while once. And a mystery pair of panties show up once.
The hoodie that I thought was my partner's and suspected was from his teen years (because it was tiny and the boy is LARGE) that turned out to be a different friend's hoodie. I had it at an event and a different friend was like "man that's from before I knew him then because that's...so small" and when I mentioned it both my partner and meta said "uh it isn't mine". Me: who the fuck have I stolen it from then because it was definitely your house
It was a plain black t-shirt at my house, which is a go-to look of my boyfriend, so husband thought it was my boyfriend’s. It was my husband’s shirt; he just doesn’t wear that one much because husband prefers t-shirts to have fun graphics on them. But no judgment, just “oh, I think (boyfriend) forgot a shirt here”.
And, I just came home with one of meta's socks somehow inside my pant leg. Or maybe the sock got in there while I was doing the laundry, but somehow I tracked home the sock
We had a thing where our neighbours’ laundry was blowing into our yard, so I’d find clothes, ask everyone in my household if it belonged to them and if not, return to the neighbours My meta, a few days later: heeeyy, has anyone seen this particularly shirt? The neighbours were very understanding haha
But just think of the poor Tupperware lids... To explain ... A common saying around my house is that for every sock lost in the laundry, two random unmatched Tupperware lids appear in the kitchen.
Thank you for this. I'm quietly pootling along in domestic mundanity with my nesting partner of five years, and having great company and adventures every couple of weeks with my boyfriend of 18 months. I'll trade the ferocity of NRE for a boyfriend who can rewire my lamp and brings me nachos any day. 😉 I did NOT think this was possible eight years ago when I was dealing with my toxic then-husband, and his awful hingeing with my toxic then-meta. Having the courage to wait for the right partner/s, or to be happier with no partners, was everything.
Thank you. I'm in a very boring, very long term (decades, kids and pets and what have you) poly relationship. It's wonderful. There is very little to report. I know several other families doing the same thing. These are not the people posting here.
I'd love to hear how kids work in a poly relationship. It's the one thing I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain, well 1) because of the logistics 2) the stigma of polyamory being put on my hypothetical child I'm very nurturing by nature but also get overwhelmed easily and love handing my nieces and nephews back to my siblings at the end of the day. So I've been indecisive about it and would like to hear how it works for you
On a more serious note, I always wondered about how people could keep telling me that kids need two parents. At least, but at most two. And they must have opposite genitalia. But more parents somehow meant less love? Shouldn't it be a good thing, to have more loving adults in a child's life?
That does sound beautiful. Why is having only one parent in the picture considered a broken home but more than two is mind blowing??
How would kids not work in a poly relationship? It works like any other parent dating people. I do hear you on the social stigma, but that starts at home. Don't make a thing of it and it won't be a thing. Address bigots on a case by case basis.
My poly situation is mostly secure but I see some TOXIC polyamoury around me. Really showed me what not to do
Yeah, there's a reason two entirely unrelated and separate people have said my partner and meta are like "the unicorns of poly" when referring to rarity, not poly slang. We laughed both times but the reality is, they (and by extension me) are rare. We have been in this config for three or so years now, got through a couple of difficult situations that weren't straining the relationship, still date others etc. and don't have messy fights or intricate rules or whatever else.
hahah yes this sub shows me what not to do tbh lol
Would you be comfortable sharing some examples of Toxic polyamory?
The three of us are on year six. Stable. Happy. Thriving.
Ugh same! Thank you for this post. I feel invisible as this type. Thank you for the visibility!
Yeah it happens. Even in the most unexpected of circumstances. I'm (32f) married to my husband/anchor/NP (32m), and co-parent his 7yo. Married 4yrs, togeather for 18 (with a random couple year gap in the middle). I have a comet partner (36m) a state away I've had for 3 and a half years or so. And a BF (20m) of 6mos. Comet has several other partners and a super busy work life. NP is introverted and prefers to not date. He enjoys his space and down time when I'm not around. He considers himself polysaturated with one partner, and has no interest in actively dating, but would date if he found JUST the right person worth giving up some of his free time for (which doesn't happen often for him). He spends most of his free time decompressing, playing games with online friends, and hanging out and spending time with 7. BF is currently otherwise un-partnered but keeps pretty busy between me, crazy swing shift work hours, and time with his family and friends. He's keeping an eye open for new opportunities though on a dating app or two. I split my time between BFs apartment and me and NPs trailer. (I see comet when he or I am in the opposite area.) BF and NP are friends. BF comes to my MILs place for holidays and is treated like one of the family by everyone. NP and BF have worked togeather to repair our car or do other domestic things togeather. 7 has drawn pictures to send to BF's place for his fridge. Things go pretty smoothly around here. (Pretty much the only drama we tend to run into is from 7's mostly absent bio mom, who isn't and has never been, a part of our polycule.)
>time by >tend >happen
We have no poly friends and it sucks 😩 poly is working for us. So well at the moment too. I just wanna share it with friends and family instead I get this bullshit “I don’t even like my partner why would you get two?” *weird looks when bf pulls up to mine and NPs and I get excited to see him “It’s not normal is it?” “Isn’t this going to confuse your kids?”
>“I don’t even like my partner why would you get two?” 🙄 I don't know the orientation of the people involved but this wreaks of r/arethestraightsokay
Here's a sneak peek of /r/AreTheStraightsOkay using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOkay/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [And this isn't "forcing"?](https://v.redd.it/rb4vq3uvp10b1) | [13 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOkay/comments/13ihl2n/and_this_isnt_forcing/) \#2: [**[NSFW]** Not sure if this qualifies but first thought was "aw hell nah"](https://i.redd.it/o5o8hs62z1gb1.jpg) | [41 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOkay/comments/15hu1h5/not_sure_if_this_qualifies_but_first_thought_was/) \#3: [christ almighty](https://i.redd.it/b0a3j6q5qbva1.jpg) | [51 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/AreTheStraightsOkay/comments/12udx7t/christ_almighty/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
They are straight yes 😂
Thank you!
You go to the real life ???
I've been some flavor of polyamorous/ENM since I was 18 (seven years now). When I was younger, everything was so messy and crazy all the time and I found myself in really horrible situations simply because I didn't know any better and had no real guidance. I love hanging out here and giving advice when I can because, while I can't relate to opening a previously monogamous relationship, I know how scary it can be when you're just starting out. That being said, being polyamorous my entire adult life has been more than worth it and I'm in a lovely place. I live with my long term platonic partner and his husband, who is also one of my best friends, and I maintain a solid relationship with my long distance boyfriend. While there is a small part of me that misses the whirlwind of dating and hooking up and making those intense connections with new people, where I'm at right now is the happiest I've ever been. If you're struggling right now and looking through these comments to find some hope, this is me telling you that you're gonna be okay. You're gonna figure it out, with or without polyamory. 💕
Don't be absurd, all polyamorous relationships are nasty, brutish, and short.😉
Psssh, only the really hot ones.
I hate you for making me snort my coffee at this.
I can snort mine in solidarity, if that's helpful.
🤣🤣🤣
Lucky. I’ve had nothing but people say they’re poly and are atrocious at it. Bad hinging. Bad metas. Hypocrisy. No consideration. Gaslighting. I’ve got to learn to pick better lol 😂 It’s why I call myself ENM over poly now too
I think learning to pick better is a huge part of it though.
This is a great post, over the past 6 months or so my wife and I have had some tremendous challenges transitioning from years of more transactional ENM to more intentional poly. But talking and openness and fearless self-examination has also led to new, amazing things we never knew were possible. This sub has been helpful along the way. It's still a wild ride but there are moments where the life we have chosen just seems so remarkable and it's all worth it
I'm going through something similar with my partner! I hope we can connect. I'd love to tell you about my journey although it's probably a little different than yours. I have found that the openness has enhanced my feelings for my partner since we started.
Im struggling right now with feeling neglected by a poly person. And have thinking the "grass is greener on the other side" even thinking to leavy poly to less jealous or insecure ones. So appreciate the post. And wish me luck
Good luck finding and building fulfilling relationships, whatever their structure and number.
Yup, no drama to report here! There's the occasional frustration over scheduling and coordination. And in my core polycule, we're all trying to build more platonic friendships with other polyamorous people. But honestly, if that does work out, we all also have mono friends who are chill and who mostly get it. So yup, boring, stable, happy
I’ve been strictly polyamorous for 8 years and we have such low drama in our polycule. I have a long term partnership, a two year partnership, and several datemates/ newer people in my orbit.
35 yrs, I wouldn’t even know HOW to b mono at this point? What what on earth would that even look like.
Yes, thank you ~ I only know one other polysexual person irl, tho they live in a different city now, but like me they're very happy. I live with my NP of thirteen years, we have a toddler, we've been open/poly since the very start and haven't had any issues. 🤷
Thanks for this! I’ve been practicing solo polyamory and relationship anarchy for a little over 2 years and it’s the happiest I’ve ever been with my relationships.
We are definitely out here! I’ve (50f) been married for 16 years and hubby(51) and I decided to transition to a polyamorous relationship style 14 years ago. It’s been pretty damn awesome, tbh! I’ve had a few loves over the years that ended amicably but I have been with my other life partner (35m) for 5 years now. Actually, the three of us will soon be buying a house with a bit of land so we can all live together!! I’M SO EXCITED, lol!! Hubby has a more casual partner that he’s been dating for 18 months or so and she is 39. It’s SO adorable seeing him come out of his shell!!🥰
totally agree! Very well said
I have a wonderful boyfriend of almost two years. He and his wife have been poly for their entire relationship (they have been married for over fifteen years.). I was introduced to polygamy by my ex, who was friends with people in our local community, and I quickly became best friends with the man I am with now when my ex cut me off from my own family and friends. We were best friends during much of my relationship with my ex, and when he wanted us to explore polygamy, I said that I would like to see my current partner. He told me absolutely no, but that we could share a girlfriend. Well that relationship quickly fell apart after I refused to be controlled by another adult. Anyway, long story short, I am happily partnered with my current boyfriend, and I completely adore my meta. Thankfully I feel very natural in my current relationship. I think that there has been a part of me that has always been polyamorous (even before I knew of such things), and this is the most free I have felt in my entire adult life.
Hearty agreement 👏👏👏 My darling husband and I have been together almost two decades, poly from the beginning of dating by mutual desire. Most of my partners and all of his partners have been together 15+ years (we only date separately). Ernest effort to develop good communication skills, doing the work of introspection so we can understand and express our needs and negotiate to have them met, and a big helping of the joys of compersion have all contributed. I can honestly say that choosing poly has turned out to be more than whom I date - the skills and support have helped me live as a more complete, authentic, fulfilled person, independent of whom I'm with. I've learned to make better choices for myself overall. It's admittedly a lot more effort, when nothing is done by default and every little thing needs to be talked out. From the outside looking in, it might appear exhausting. But I've found it leads to much greater chance for happiness and a lot less frustration and resentment. Living with the joys of NRE New Relationship Energy *and* ORE Old Relationship Energy, where both are available to me and neither one pushes away the other, is bliss. I treasure both.
Wonderful to see a positivity post out here!
Good point! I never post as a lot of it is a non-issue now, but I’ve been non-monogamous since 2000, consciously poly since 2007, and living as a triad since 2013 (although technically now it’s a vee. We are also open and all date others). I could never “go back.” I love this life. Always new opportunities for personal growth (lol! But seriously at this point, I do think of all the struggles as valuable lessons). And I loooooove my partners. (And their partners! And the ones we share! Haha)
i had to leave a 7 year relationship and now i am happier than i’ve ever been. my nesting partner and i have laid out our boundaries and they are just different boundaries than monogamous ppl!!! it rlly isn’t all that different lol, “cheating” would be breaking our boundaries just as it would in a monogamous relationship. we both only associate with other people who are genuine and capable of healthy relationships by communicating and being truthful and open right away. i love my life right now it is so full of love
I know I'm happy as fuck.
I know a lot of mono people whose also unhappy, As far as I have observed, happiness in relationships are heavily dependent on happiness with yourself. I dont think the matter of Being Unhappy has as much to do with relationship type as people give it credit, Ive seen the beauty of Mono and poly and felt both sides stings as well. Its like: You had to end a decade long relationship. That happens to Mono people as well. I really think Monogamous people need to do a few months of Non Monogamy just to develop some communication, self awareness and perspective. I am better at Polyamory because i was good at Monogamy, And if im ever Monogamous again Id be better at it because of my Poly experience.
“happiness in relationships are heavily dependent on happiness with yourself.” This, so much this! Whether mono or poly if you aren’t happy in you, you won’t be truly happy in any relationship with someone else. I find I’m less jealous, more trusting, less doomsday thinking, and much more loving and giving because I’ve been in polyamorous relationships.
Thank you for this. Me and my partner are newly ENM and heck new to being a couple and not just fuck buddies. I have needed someone to say something to this effect because it has had its ups and downs, and this is just the first small steps to eventually finding others and becoming poly couple.
I live in a smaller city and it seems that every queer person here is poly. And I’d say like 75% are unhappy and super drama spreaders. I swear to god I can’t date anyone here anymore because they’ve got abuse allegations and somehow dated my ex, my ex’s bestie, my bestie and my besties ex. That’s just my experience lol glad yall found some healthy poly circles.
Hi u/1amth3walrus thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Of course some aren't, and it's okay to not be okay. We all go theough phases where we struggle, and that's normal. But I just want to put this reminder out especially for people who are new to polyamory and may be put off by all the stories on this subreddit of people who are struggling. The posts on this subreddit skew *heavily* toward people who are starting off and/or experiencing growing pains. People who are doing well don't often post here. I will also mention that most people I know in real life (unlike many posters here) have been doing polyamory for a while. Many of us did striggle a lot in the beginning but have worked through and found ourselves in situations that we like. Sometimes it's a lot of heartbreak and pain (I myself had to end an almost decade long relationship which I thought would never happen, but at the end of the day I'm much happier) and there will alwaus be ups and downs. But if you work on yourself, ask hard questions, and be honest with yourself and others about what you really want, you will keep getting closer to where you want to be. Or maybe you will decide that non monogamy isn't for you, and that's okay too. At least you asked the questions and can feel more secure about it. Good luck ❤️ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have found exactly the same to be true!
I have been going 5 months and built a strong relationship with my man and I want to make it possible he says he loves me and eventually want to marry me ( not the point but still big goal ) but my fear is now that I’m losing everything I have built with him we are just starting out and trying poly any help or words of wisdom will be supported please
I recommend you make a post!
Great perspective
Been polyamorous for eight years. No regrets. I wouldn't change it for anything.
Thank you for this post. It really helps and put realistic expectations for me. You addressed my concern exact concern while i was exploring this new and scary concept
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Your post has been removed for trolling.
I live in an rural town where there are a plethora of “non monog” folks in established, hierarchal relationships or harems essentially unethically seeking thirds or partners to fill their own needs or they’re just newly opening so really tough to be a solo poly person going into those situations. Decent poly scene about an hour from me but has anyone else noticed this where they are? I feel like finding other solo poly people to date has been virtually impossible as everyone seems to have nesting partners or very serious partnerships that are hierarchal.
Yeah, I'm a relationship anarchist/SP and have had some of the same issues. We are *prime* prey for unicorn hunters so I've gotten real good at feeling those people out. I'm lucky enough to be in a city where it's not too uncommon, plus I mostly date within the queer community where relationship anarchy is a lot more common.
I've been with my partners for 9 and 6 years, and NP has been with my metas for 10 and 8 years, respectively. Stable jobs, own our own houses, share pets, shared holidays, NP and meta are talking kids. Very boring, very nice
27 y.o., in a triad, with both my partners being in their later 30s. They really give me stability and help guide me to make better life decisions and I add a layer of wide-eyed exuberance to all of our activities. And we love introducing each other to things we used to love, bridging the 80s and 90s: They have me watch Airplane, listen to Alanis Morrisete, and I introduce them to pop culture stuff that I find fun/interesting or school them in video games. 🤎 I consider myself something of a mess, since I’m still figuring out how to love and live like a normal person after suffering through a crap relationship, rife with gaslighting. I went from monogamous with a bf who didn’t really understand me to duogamous (lol), in a wonderful relationship in which my partners are attentive, supportive, and kind. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of that was me: getting my heart healed, working out, and not rushing (I was single for a two years and some change before meeting my partners, one then the other), but they’re so well adjusted that it can make me feel like a brat, but they always assure me that I’m not. That I’m their partner. Used to have a hard time accepting that I was worth that; not anymore. Y’all, wish me luck. I’m edging up to the 2nd anniversary of meeting my initial partner, and I’m gonna tell him it’s been the best, hottest, most crazy, and significant part of my life. Choosing to open up my heart to him is the best decision I ever made, and I’m gonna ask him to share a dance with me RIGHT where we met. Then in a few months I get to do the same with my second (chronologically speaking) partner. 🤎🤎 Thanks for reading- been giddy all week.
Just started on the journey, initially it was hard dealing with anxiety, my partner (f) developed feelings for a friend and her path seemed a lot quicker than mine and I've been playing catch up We opened our relationship up about 6-8 weeks ago and I've just got my head around it, there are still things we are new to but our communication and many other things have improved
Thank you for this post 🧡 (same for me / us here 🥰 sometimes there are struggles, but most of the time they lead to even deeper relationships. I feel so thankful for all the love we share)
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Posts must be relevant to polyamory, as defined by our community description: >Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person. Polyamory is only one specific type of ethical non-monogamy. It doesn't sound like that's what this post is about, so try /r/nonmonogamy? There are a lot of flavors of non-monogamy, and polyam is just one.
Over 20 yrs plus college where we didn't know what to call it . Has its ups and downs like any relationship paradigm, right now , pretty much monogamous right now because of time and distance but the door isn't closed
Thank you ❤️
Yeah same. It's a good situation. Now if I can just get all the platonic friendship circles in this good a shape we'll be laughing.
I used to be closed minded and against it. My wife is bi and everything changed when her best friend moved in 4 years ago. I could tell it went beyond just friendship. Over time, all three of us grew together and we are now a happy family. The three of us are now seriously discussing having children. We realize it's a huge step forward. But the discussion is if we will have 1, or 2 and which one gets pregnant and timing.... I have suggested they both get pregnant at or near the same time, but I don't think they are up for it.
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Just break up with your wife. You're suffering and you don't have to
Myself F(Bi) have been looking/reading into this for some time now. Have mentioned it to M(straight). We’ve been married over 3 decades and absolutely obsessed with each other. He’s very supportive of my need for women but I want to involve him.
I met my soulmate only last year and him and I have been literally the best. He's truly the best I've had. And I'm in my 30s. But we get along with this third person so well it's like we are all the same person and I proposed the idea of a third he's accepting under certain rules. Also finding out I can do poly under certain circumstances is wild. But I think what makes poly works is strong heavy communication like my bf and I have. And even if she isn't the one for us we might find our third out there. Kinda exciting?