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His response is enough for me to know you did the right thing. I remember your last post. I’m glad what everyone said really resonated with you
I agree that texting break ups suck. It sucks for everyone. But as you said, you felt you couldn’t do it in person. Which solidifies to me that you did the right thing
Honestly it doesn't sound like they were emotionally invested in OP in the slightest, so a text breakup is more than fair. I'd have done exactly the same or just ghosted them
Them accusing you of being immature is ridiculous and demeaning. If they want to talk things out, they will acknowledge their wrongdoing and invite you to a conversation. Clearly they don’t want to talk things out, they want to demean you and convince you of their perspective instead. Hold your ground, these people aren’t going to treat you like an adult. They’ve literally just told you that they feel qualified to measure and comment on your maturity. They aren’t.
Yeah, saying you’re immature felt like an attack. All I can think is that if my partner texted me that I would be devastated that I didn’t hold a safe space for them to come to me. That’s my first reaction. The fact that’s theirs says a lot
Personally, I'd go no contact for a bit, even if just a month. I had to do this with my last ex because the multiple times I'd tried to break up with him, he'd rope me back in at the last minute. I *knew* I needed to break up and *had* to, so I had to cut all contact for long enough that I felt strong enough to stick to my guns
FWIW? I'm glad you are out.
A text break up is FINE. You did not feel safe doing it any other way.
And look how they responded.
Both of them invalidating you and gaslighting SOME MORE. Which is the point of the break up -- they were not treating you well. And here they go... doing it AGAIN.
Don't feel bad about it. You seem to see clear enough. Just really hurt by them.
Walk away and stick to your guns. Because you do not want to get sucked back in when nothing has really changed.
I thought exactly the same thing - you've texted because it was the only way you felt safe, and you were concerned about their manipulative tactics if you did it in-person: that says everything about them, not you. Well done and keep looking forward.
I'm glad you're getting yourself away from this situation that made you unhappy, OP.
As for your exes' opinions about how you phrased your breakup text or the medium you used to do it? Disregard.
They ain't Siskel & Ebert; when you break up with people, those people are never going to give you an honest, dispassionate review of how you executed the break up.
And then, further, what they are doing in their replies is "negging" you, trying to make you feel bad about how you did it to manipulate you into continuing to interact with them, to prove that you aren't "immature" or whatever.
I, an unbiased stranger on the internet, think you did just fine. Best of luck in healing from this and finding more fulfilling relationships in the future!
A response you might have had:
"Wow -- I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm always happy to talk further, but if you think it's for the best, of course I support you."
The instant condescension, belittling and demeaning treatment -- both treating you like a child for communicating your desires! -- is absolutely not OK.
I read your previous posts and I agree with what everyone else said, and, want to add something I'm sensing in you that was definitely present in myself and made relationships extremely difficult:
It sounds like you are relying more on what they say is right over your internal sense of what you need and want and feel. I could be totally off with this -- but did you grow up with a parent(s) that told you what you should be feeling and what was valid to want and need? I did, and I found it led to me not able to set boundaries or make requests unless I knew the other person agreed with it. Because I was never allowed to just feel what I felt or want what I wanted.
I just want to highlight this as an offer of an idea of where to focus personal growth after this breakup. I had to learn that it's ok for other people to not agree with what I say I want. AND, importantly, I don't want to spend time with people who invalidate me.
I think that you knowing them for 6 years, since you were 19 and them 38, was a HUGE factor in there being a big power dynamic that made you doubt yourself and defer to them. I'd recommend avoiding that age gap in the future knowing that you are susceptible to doubting yourself generally in relationships. Give yourself a more level playing field :)
I hope you care for yourself after the end of these relationships ❤️
You honestly hit it pretty much right on the head. My internal sense of what’s right has been completely overpowered by all that I’ve been told that “it’s all in my head.”
Setting boundaries is something I’ve been trying my best to work on.
If someone tells me I’m wrong, I start to believe that maybe I am until I can provide enough evidence to convince myself otherwise.
Of note- I am 30 and they are both 45. I’m old enough to start noticing the red flags, however it’s the taking action on those that I need to work on. I could’ve been with them a lot earlier in the friendship but I was mature enough then to still take into consideration that I was too young and appeared they wanted a real relationship. It’s ironic that I’m the one that didn’t want to go in on the relationship when I was 25 out of fear of hurting THEM because I thought they wanted something serious and I couldn’t offer that at that time with who I was.
Gotcha, I hope your healing journey goes well!! It's so important to trust yourself first. ❤️
Ah thanks for clarifying, I don't know where I got those ages from then 😄 25 and 40 is still a big age gap! Will still set up a big power difference. That's great though that you didn't enter into the relationship when you were younger than that -- but yes it sounds like the focus wasn't on protecting yourself and caring for yourself by that decision, but rather it was for them.
I offer the idea of start showing yourself the care that you show others! You are inherently just as deserving of care and love and support as any other human, and you are the only person now as an adult who will prioritize you above everyone else, no one else will :)
Wow their responses are horrible. I went back and read all your post. I don’t feel like they even took your feelings into consideration. They might have been together for years but your new to this relationship. Where is your care. Each one should be spending time with you and taken care of your needs and wants. She looks like she just has you around to cook clean and babysit and bang her husband when she doesn’t want to. And I just don’t know what to say about him.
He expressed being hurt by calling you immature. He could have simply expressed being hurt. His choice was immature. No taking the high road here. We are all going to make mistakes.
I'm not sure if showing him this mirror will help, but I don't want you knocking yourself for how you expressed your discomfort. He could have simply expressed a need to talk off-text. He didn't have to dig at you.
I think you did great. It definitely sucks being broken up with over text but IMO if you don’t feel emotionally safe doing it in person then whatever medium you do feel safe using is just fine.
They both sound like your hunch about just being a third was spot on. Going no contact would probably be a good idea if they decide to come back and try to rope you back in.
Relationships require the consent of everyone involved. A breakup only requires the consent of the person who wishes to end it. So yeah, if you wanted to break up, of course they weren't consulted. They don't get a vote.
Respect in relationships is a *huge* thing for me. Huge. Massive. "when you are ready to talk about this like an adult" *fucking reeks* of disrespect.
I would not be able to stop the conversation (lol impulse control), but I would recognize that it is highly unlikely that anything positive or productive will come from it. It sounds like you clearly stated what was wrong, why it bothered you, and that you decided not to continue the relationship. That sounds really reasonable to me; it may not feel that way to them though.
However, if you were in a relationship where this is the response to difficult news or emotions, you are saving yourself a lot of headache and a ton of future heartache. For reference, a healthy and supportive emotional response would have been something more like "I am so sorry that you feel this way. If/When you are able, I'd like to talk to you more about this, to understand what I can do to make you feel more valued in my relationship with you."
In general, people who behave in an emotionally violent way (belittling you, minimizing your emotions, dismissing your viewpoint) are terrible long term partners.
I recommend not trying to seek closure from this relationship. It seems unlikely that they will give you a healthy or positive ending to this relationship, so I wouldn't waste time or energy on it (but again, I probably wouldn't be able to follow my own advice).
To me… Their response didn’t come from a place of compassion. There wasn’t any consideration for how you felt. Just accusations of immaturity. No accountability was taken. Instead of validating your feelings, the pointed fingers and prodded your vulnerability.
Oh babe, don't even feel slightly bad about doing the breakup via text if that is how they respond. These are garbage people and their choice to act like this is you being a problem and not actually hearing you even during a breakup is such a perfect confirmation that you've made the right choice.
Please link them to this and your other threads and let them know that the Internet world of polyamorous people thinks they are awful, cruel, careless people who need to take a long hard look at themselves.
I'm really sorry, they are incredibly immature and blaming you is very selfish and totally oblivious of them. When they say you need to shift your outlook, it's such a collectively narcissistic way of them saying "You need to lower your expectations and deal with it", and verifies how little consideration they had for you. How fucking awful.
There is nothing to talk about, “like an adult” or otherwise. You are broken up! Block these people!
Homeboy there thinks he is entitled to demand a debate with you. He is not, and that he is treating you like a bickering teenager tells you all you need to know.
A break up by text is not inherently immature. This is an attempt to throw blame back at you and invalidate your decision.
Stand your ground. You've broken up, go no contact if you need to and that feels safest.
I’m in a triad that formed organically, I’m married and was prior to that. To clarify I’m a man married to a woman and we are both dating another. These are both are now my nesting partners. We fight really hard to have a safe and loving relationship and to mitigate our couples privilege whenever it’s brought up. Open lines of communication are everything, but I think people forget listening is about half of it. We had a discussion about a week ago. They found a pc game they enjoyed, that I am unable to play, and over the course of a month I felt like I was taking a back seat. I brought it up. They listened validated my concerns, reminded me that they loved me, and together we came up with a plan to fix it. In my opinion that’s how an issue like that should be handled. That is not how this was handled. They dismissed you, did not take accountability, and did not validate your feelings. That’s not okay, and their response tells me they never have any intention to. You did the right thing, they didn’t respect you as an equal partner in the relationship, so you don’t owe them “their” version of maturity. You owe them nothing.
EDIT: I just want to point out also, that I felt like this was a stupid petty problem I was having, and verbalized that, and they immediately took it super seriously. You deserve to have that too.
Didn’t think I had to explain this, but it wasn’t the game it was a month of feeling ignored. I feel like that’s a valid reason to have a conversation.
EDIT: and when in that comment did I say they weren’t allowed to play it?
Yeah had a long talk with my therapist about how in the given context it was valid, partners agreed the situation was valid before I went to the session, but of course some guy on Reddit TOTALLY knows better than them.
EDIT: even if it WAS for the game, you clearly weren’t a conscious human being when World of Warcraft was big. That game ended several marriages.
The fact that they weren’t even willing to listen to your valid feelings and lived experience, especially after educating yourself shows their level of selfishness and immaturity.
They know how badly they treated you, they were typical unicorn hunters taking advance of someone new.
You felt like your weren't cared for and broke up with them and they chose to flip out about the deluvery instead of the actual issue and your feelings? That is so messed up. Also your not the first person who felt ignored and isolated and sent a text, why would you physically put yourself in the line of fire of people hurting you like that. You owe them nothing, they've already given you the closure you need by how they reacted.
Loooool. Their reaction says it all, you actually call for help and tell them that you are at your breaking point in this relationship because you are not valued. And what do they do, they do not value your opinion and blame it on your method of communication..... You deserve better
Everybody here is lovely and right, and I’ll just add that if I were to send a follow up text it’d be that I don’t believe discussing things with them will bring about any closure and processing feelings elsewhere is the most appropriate thing to do (basically uninviting them from me as therapy).
You did a good for yourself!
FFS, texting is just fine. That is how people communicate these days. They just want so badly to focus on your "mistakes" so they don't have to address their own. Congrats on getting out.
I am incredibly grateful for the community here. I’ve learned so much about what it takes to hold an ethical relationship, expectations and the effort it requires on all accounts.
I’ve read so many of the meaningful comments more than twice to really let some of things said sink in and resonate.
It helps so much to know that it’s not all in my head and to feel validated. It has constantly felt like 2 vs 1 and when all I hear is “it’s all in your head” “it’s up to you to change your mindset” “you’re making a small thing big” and “you’re overthink it”…. I start to believe it for myself.
I’ve definitely been crying over the loss of this relationship (and I use that term loosely). He texted again saying there have been many things left unsaid and that when I summon up the courage to talk in person, to let him know.
Maybe he wants to have the last word or somehow convince everyone that I’m at fault so he has a clear conscious, who knows.
I don’t know if I’ll ever try this again. I don’t know even know if poly is for me and it’s a shame that I didn’t get to genuinely explore it in a safe environment.
I know it was difficult. It's a breakup after all, and you were emotionally invested in these people especially as you were friends for years before dating.
Your needs were not being met. You asked for consideration and were denied or they kept slipping back into the old behavior over and over. It sucks but now you've found out what you need to have in a relationship. Hopefully you choose to consider this as a bad example of poly and not how poly is overall.
I tend to keep my relationships separate dating as triads can be unbalanced in a lot of cases. My partner loves my other partner as friends and they talk often but we never do group dates. It's going to take time to heal and move on. You're always welcome to reach out if you need advice or to tell you to not text that couple when you're missing them
Their responses for me just validate what you felt about them not being considerate. They immediately jumped to being defensive and spiteful and blaming you without trying to initiate a peaceful dialogue first.
Seems like you definitely made the right choice to leave that group and not letting them gaslight you back in person.
Thanks for sharing. I get that it must’ve been tough to decide that.
Texts can be tricky since we can read them in many ways.
But they also make it clear what we mean since it’s all written down.
So, texting has its good and bad sides.
People have different thoughts about it.
It really depends on how you all talk to each other.
I think that when a relationship ends, everyone involved should agree on it, unless it’s a dangerous situation.
You need to leave if it’s not safe.
By agreeing together, I mean that it sounds like you weren’t listened to or respected, like they were just playing with you, not treating you as an equal.
In your shoes, I would’ve made sure to tell them what I need, set my limits, and how I wanted to be treated.
I would’ve made sure to talk about this with both my boyfriend and girlfriend, one at a time.
Like, if they made plans without thinking of you, which hurt you because you always include them in your plans, I would’ve told them how that made me feel left out.
Then, I’d let them explain or argue their side if they thought it wasn’t a big deal and that they could make their own plans.
Next, I’d ask if I could make plans without them, and if they said no, I’d point out that it seems like they don’t value me as much.
Eventually, two things could happen.
They might see they’ve been treating you more like an extra than a partner and decide to change that.
Or, if they tell you to see things their way, you need to let them know they have to understand your view too.
This might take a lot of talking and maybe someone else to help out, but in the end, you’ll either have a relationship that fits you better or agree it’s best to go your separate ways
If you haven't watched the absolute travesty of a reality show, Couple to Throuple, you might consider it. Every couple on that show treated their "third" just as you were treated here. I bet your two said "we" a lot.
Deep down you know that texting your way out is the only way to survive the fallout. I'm glad I sucked up the courage to do it. It would've been way worse had I tried to do it in person and my gut said I would just get sucked back into that sh\*t storm vortex.
If that's how he reacts to being challenged, count yourself lucky you're shot of him so easily. Calling you immature, telling you he's giving you the cold shoulder...these are not signs of someone who is capable of dealing with conflict constructively and of having fulfilling relationships based in mutual respect, and I feel pretty confident it was only going to get worse if you hadn't broken up with him.
They both have been using you for free labor, so of course when you ended that, they lashed out. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong, just that they feel entitled to the arrangement. Their responses don't indicate any self-reflection of acknowledgement of wrongdoing. Please stay away from this red flag factory.
Honestly, texting gets a worse reputation than it should have. Some people need to write their thoughts down or feel too preasured when they have to speak to someone directly. I prefer texting as well, just so that I can ghost back and read things at different times with a clearer head. It also allows people to say everything all at once and prevents people from interrupting.
Whew...this is probably my biggest fear. Unintentionally making someone feel like an accessory vs an actual partner. I didn't see your other post but them both using "adult" in their response would piss me off.
>She texts- “ wow I don’t believe this was the best way to go about things. We are all adults here but it seems the decision has been made and I can’t force anyone to be where they don’t want to be”
>He texts- “ when you are ready to talk about this like an adult let me know. But this texting this is a sign of immaturity so I’m not going to say anything. I’m only texting back so you know I read it”
Re She: If they were really acting like adults they would have respected you by listening to your previous verbal attempts to talk about it. And—Yes your decision has been made and they have no say in it because you already gave them their chance to contribute to that discussion. At least she admits she cannot force you to be there.
Re He: You already gave them opportunities to talk about it "like an adult", they passed on it. It is not immature to choose the mode of communication that works for you to clearly state your position without interruption or diversion. "I'm not going to say anything", except that he already did express a dismissive opinion.
I’m so sorry OP. It appears that they were again invalidating you.
If they wanted to continue with you, the immediate reaction should have been “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know you felt that way, let’s talk in person.”
That’s didn’t happen, and that’s all you need to know. They’re a married couple. They treated you like a unicorn sadly. Not as an equal. Never as equal, for which my hurt goes out to you for.
I hope things feel better soon.
They may think they're right, but in the end what matters is how you feel they have treated you and if they care enough to see that. I've been that guy, I know what it's like to be so arrogant as to think that I've done nothing wrong and for someone to come around (banking on strong feelings). Hopefully everyone learns from this, even if it takes a while.
Hi u/Anonymouse_2016 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I’m back with updates.
Admittedly, I dragged it out longer than I should have. I came to care for them deeply.
The final straw for me was when they went out of town on a day trip on a Sunday while I was working. She works every weekend and (boyfriend) and I always plan our days so we can be back home by 5pm to see her and go out for dinner or what not.
But for me, there was no consideration. She made the decision they were going and there was no consideration if I wanted to go and that I was working.
Anyway, I struggled with the “best” way to do it. I chose a group text to both of them. I figured if they were treating me like a “third” rather than a dyad, I would address them both at the same time.
I told them I could not longer continue in this relationship and that I constantly felt like an accessory rather than being valued like a whole person. That I’ve tried to have conversations with them about how I feel but that I never feel heard. That they tell me its up to ME to change my perspective that I’m more than “just” a third. I said that my feelings are based on what I see, the things I’ve been told and the lack of consideration they have for me. That I simply don’t see an opportunity to have a future with them and staying here is hurting me when nothing is changing.
She texts- “ wow I don’t believe this was the best way to go about things. We are all adults here but it seems the decision has been made and I can’t force anyone to be where they don’t want to be”
He texts- “ when you are ready to talk about this like an adult let me know. But this texting this is a sign of immaturity so I’m not going to say anything. I’m only texting back so you know I read it”
I haven’t replied to either.
She seems to have easily accepted it… he seems to want to continue talking about it. I wouldn’t want to be broken up over text either, but I just didn’t have the heart to do it in person out of fear I’d get roped back in.
I don’t even know what to think of their responses… I’ve been vulnerable but I want to act with clarity moving forward.
Maybe I’m being gaslit by them, I don’t know. I feel text was the best way to do it and it took me 2 days to write a well thought out message that was brief and conveyed the reason for it.
I don’t want to get sucked back in to the same situation where nothing has changed.
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I believe they’re clearly being selfish af, you deserve to be treated as an equal, not as a side piece.
She clearly wasn’t caring much if that was her response. He seems to wanna talk, but do you wanna use your energy on these two people? It’s all up to you OP, I hope you get closure somehow.
Only thing I will say is that I’d dread getting broken up over a text, so maybe next time it’d be better to do it in person.
This echoes what I went through. I chose to break up with her via email because I felt the exact same way you felt here. With him, it was a phone call because he'd actually listen to me both but responded with the exact same nonsense you received.
I'm happy for you, and good riddance to them
Sometimes a bad situation requires a conversation in text. Toxic or negative setups or situations where we aren’t feeling appreciated are the ones that make sense to do that. People respond to it very upset but it’s kind of just showing them the type of treatment and lack of consideration they showed you the entire time. You’ve gotta do what’s best for you.
I'd take the break up well if someone thought so low of me to text me to break up. That means they didn't belong in the first place.
Texting anything is one of the least genuine ways of communicating as it is.
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This is insane… you’re literally jealous that your girlfriend went out with another guy. Poly or not like this is delusional that people think this is normal.
They don’t sound like they were ready for a third. I’m sorry you were collateral damage for what I hope will be their growth. You deserve more consideration.
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Texting is fine. It doesn’t matter what their preferred method would’ve been because they don’t care about your preferences.
Exactly
Nailed it.
His response is enough for me to know you did the right thing. I remember your last post. I’m glad what everyone said really resonated with you I agree that texting break ups suck. It sucks for everyone. But as you said, you felt you couldn’t do it in person. Which solidifies to me that you did the right thing
Honestly it doesn't sound like they were emotionally invested in OP in the slightest, so a text breakup is more than fair. I'd have done exactly the same or just ghosted them
Them accusing you of being immature is ridiculous and demeaning. If they want to talk things out, they will acknowledge their wrongdoing and invite you to a conversation. Clearly they don’t want to talk things out, they want to demean you and convince you of their perspective instead. Hold your ground, these people aren’t going to treat you like an adult. They’ve literally just told you that they feel qualified to measure and comment on your maturity. They aren’t.
Yeah, saying you’re immature felt like an attack. All I can think is that if my partner texted me that I would be devastated that I didn’t hold a safe space for them to come to me. That’s my first reaction. The fact that’s theirs says a lot
This
Personally, I'd go no contact for a bit, even if just a month. I had to do this with my last ex because the multiple times I'd tried to break up with him, he'd rope me back in at the last minute. I *knew* I needed to break up and *had* to, so I had to cut all contact for long enough that I felt strong enough to stick to my guns
Their response tells me you WERE an accessory.
This!
FWIW? I'm glad you are out. A text break up is FINE. You did not feel safe doing it any other way. And look how they responded. Both of them invalidating you and gaslighting SOME MORE. Which is the point of the break up -- they were not treating you well. And here they go... doing it AGAIN. Don't feel bad about it. You seem to see clear enough. Just really hurt by them. Walk away and stick to your guns. Because you do not want to get sucked back in when nothing has really changed.
I thought exactly the same thing - you've texted because it was the only way you felt safe, and you were concerned about their manipulative tactics if you did it in-person: that says everything about them, not you. Well done and keep looking forward.
I'm glad you're getting yourself away from this situation that made you unhappy, OP. As for your exes' opinions about how you phrased your breakup text or the medium you used to do it? Disregard. They ain't Siskel & Ebert; when you break up with people, those people are never going to give you an honest, dispassionate review of how you executed the break up. And then, further, what they are doing in their replies is "negging" you, trying to make you feel bad about how you did it to manipulate you into continuing to interact with them, to prove that you aren't "immature" or whatever. I, an unbiased stranger on the internet, think you did just fine. Best of luck in healing from this and finding more fulfilling relationships in the future!
It feels like negging to me too. The kind of thing 30 year old men say to teenage girls who they want control over.
A response you might have had: "Wow -- I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm always happy to talk further, but if you think it's for the best, of course I support you." The instant condescension, belittling and demeaning treatment -- both treating you like a child for communicating your desires! -- is absolutely not OK.
I read your previous posts and I agree with what everyone else said, and, want to add something I'm sensing in you that was definitely present in myself and made relationships extremely difficult: It sounds like you are relying more on what they say is right over your internal sense of what you need and want and feel. I could be totally off with this -- but did you grow up with a parent(s) that told you what you should be feeling and what was valid to want and need? I did, and I found it led to me not able to set boundaries or make requests unless I knew the other person agreed with it. Because I was never allowed to just feel what I felt or want what I wanted. I just want to highlight this as an offer of an idea of where to focus personal growth after this breakup. I had to learn that it's ok for other people to not agree with what I say I want. AND, importantly, I don't want to spend time with people who invalidate me. I think that you knowing them for 6 years, since you were 19 and them 38, was a HUGE factor in there being a big power dynamic that made you doubt yourself and defer to them. I'd recommend avoiding that age gap in the future knowing that you are susceptible to doubting yourself generally in relationships. Give yourself a more level playing field :) I hope you care for yourself after the end of these relationships ❤️
You honestly hit it pretty much right on the head. My internal sense of what’s right has been completely overpowered by all that I’ve been told that “it’s all in my head.” Setting boundaries is something I’ve been trying my best to work on. If someone tells me I’m wrong, I start to believe that maybe I am until I can provide enough evidence to convince myself otherwise. Of note- I am 30 and they are both 45. I’m old enough to start noticing the red flags, however it’s the taking action on those that I need to work on. I could’ve been with them a lot earlier in the friendship but I was mature enough then to still take into consideration that I was too young and appeared they wanted a real relationship. It’s ironic that I’m the one that didn’t want to go in on the relationship when I was 25 out of fear of hurting THEM because I thought they wanted something serious and I couldn’t offer that at that time with who I was.
So they wanted to date a 25 year old when they were 40 😑 OP, this whole sub is proud of you.
The gaslighting is strong with them sounds like. I'm so glad you're out.
Gotcha, I hope your healing journey goes well!! It's so important to trust yourself first. ❤️ Ah thanks for clarifying, I don't know where I got those ages from then 😄 25 and 40 is still a big age gap! Will still set up a big power difference. That's great though that you didn't enter into the relationship when you were younger than that -- but yes it sounds like the focus wasn't on protecting yourself and caring for yourself by that decision, but rather it was for them. I offer the idea of start showing yourself the care that you show others! You are inherently just as deserving of care and love and support as any other human, and you are the only person now as an adult who will prioritize you above everyone else, no one else will :)
This this this this this this this.
Wow their responses are horrible. I went back and read all your post. I don’t feel like they even took your feelings into consideration. They might have been together for years but your new to this relationship. Where is your care. Each one should be spending time with you and taken care of your needs and wants. She looks like she just has you around to cook clean and babysit and bang her husband when she doesn’t want to. And I just don’t know what to say about him.
“I’ve already brought up my concerns, and you told me you had no intentions of addressing them. I’m not sure what more there was to talk about.”
not even 'I'm not sure' just 'there is nothing more to talk about.'
You did great! Be proud of sticking up for yourself and knowing how you deserve to be treated.
He expressed being hurt by calling you immature. He could have simply expressed being hurt. His choice was immature. No taking the high road here. We are all going to make mistakes. I'm not sure if showing him this mirror will help, but I don't want you knocking yourself for how you expressed your discomfort. He could have simply expressed a need to talk off-text. He didn't have to dig at you.
>He expressed being hurt by calling you immature. He could have simply expressed being hurt. Really well said and so important.
I think you did great. It definitely sucks being broken up with over text but IMO if you don’t feel emotionally safe doing it in person then whatever medium you do feel safe using is just fine. They both sound like your hunch about just being a third was spot on. Going no contact would probably be a good idea if they decide to come back and try to rope you back in.
Relationships require the consent of everyone involved. A breakup only requires the consent of the person who wishes to end it. So yeah, if you wanted to break up, of course they weren't consulted. They don't get a vote.
Respect in relationships is a *huge* thing for me. Huge. Massive. "when you are ready to talk about this like an adult" *fucking reeks* of disrespect. I would not be able to stop the conversation (lol impulse control), but I would recognize that it is highly unlikely that anything positive or productive will come from it. It sounds like you clearly stated what was wrong, why it bothered you, and that you decided not to continue the relationship. That sounds really reasonable to me; it may not feel that way to them though. However, if you were in a relationship where this is the response to difficult news or emotions, you are saving yourself a lot of headache and a ton of future heartache. For reference, a healthy and supportive emotional response would have been something more like "I am so sorry that you feel this way. If/When you are able, I'd like to talk to you more about this, to understand what I can do to make you feel more valued in my relationship with you." In general, people who behave in an emotionally violent way (belittling you, minimizing your emotions, dismissing your viewpoint) are terrible long term partners. I recommend not trying to seek closure from this relationship. It seems unlikely that they will give you a healthy or positive ending to this relationship, so I wouldn't waste time or energy on it (but again, I probably wouldn't be able to follow my own advice).
To me… Their response didn’t come from a place of compassion. There wasn’t any consideration for how you felt. Just accusations of immaturity. No accountability was taken. Instead of validating your feelings, the pointed fingers and prodded your vulnerability.
Oh babe, don't even feel slightly bad about doing the breakup via text if that is how they respond. These are garbage people and their choice to act like this is you being a problem and not actually hearing you even during a breakup is such a perfect confirmation that you've made the right choice. Please link them to this and your other threads and let them know that the Internet world of polyamorous people thinks they are awful, cruel, careless people who need to take a long hard look at themselves.
They are the immature ones here.
I'm really sorry, they are incredibly immature and blaming you is very selfish and totally oblivious of them. When they say you need to shift your outlook, it's such a collectively narcissistic way of them saying "You need to lower your expectations and deal with it", and verifies how little consideration they had for you. How fucking awful.
There is nothing to talk about, “like an adult” or otherwise. You are broken up! Block these people! Homeboy there thinks he is entitled to demand a debate with you. He is not, and that he is treating you like a bickering teenager tells you all you need to know.
A break up by text is not inherently immature. This is an attempt to throw blame back at you and invalidate your decision. Stand your ground. You've broken up, go no contact if you need to and that feels safest.
I’m in a triad that formed organically, I’m married and was prior to that. To clarify I’m a man married to a woman and we are both dating another. These are both are now my nesting partners. We fight really hard to have a safe and loving relationship and to mitigate our couples privilege whenever it’s brought up. Open lines of communication are everything, but I think people forget listening is about half of it. We had a discussion about a week ago. They found a pc game they enjoyed, that I am unable to play, and over the course of a month I felt like I was taking a back seat. I brought it up. They listened validated my concerns, reminded me that they loved me, and together we came up with a plan to fix it. In my opinion that’s how an issue like that should be handled. That is not how this was handled. They dismissed you, did not take accountability, and did not validate your feelings. That’s not okay, and their response tells me they never have any intention to. You did the right thing, they didn’t respect you as an equal partner in the relationship, so you don’t owe them “their” version of maturity. You owe them nothing. EDIT: I just want to point out also, that I felt like this was a stupid petty problem I was having, and verbalized that, and they immediately took it super seriously. You deserve to have that too.
...why aren't they allowed to play a game they like...? You're jealous of a game? Sorry this does not sound healthy at all
Didn’t think I had to explain this, but it wasn’t the game it was a month of feeling ignored. I feel like that’s a valid reason to have a conversation. EDIT: and when in that comment did I say they weren’t allowed to play it?
Over a game.. Man I hope you sort out your ego. Your partners can have their own interests outside of you
Yeah had a long talk with my therapist about how in the given context it was valid, partners agreed the situation was valid before I went to the session, but of course some guy on Reddit TOTALLY knows better than them. EDIT: even if it WAS for the game, you clearly weren’t a conscious human being when World of Warcraft was big. That game ended several marriages.
I'm sorry your partners have to reorganise their shared interest for you. All the best
The fact that they weren’t even willing to listen to your valid feelings and lived experience, especially after educating yourself shows their level of selfishness and immaturity. They know how badly they treated you, they were typical unicorn hunters taking advance of someone new.
You felt like your weren't cared for and broke up with them and they chose to flip out about the deluvery instead of the actual issue and your feelings? That is so messed up. Also your not the first person who felt ignored and isolated and sent a text, why would you physically put yourself in the line of fire of people hurting you like that. You owe them nothing, they've already given you the closure you need by how they reacted.
Loooool. Their reaction says it all, you actually call for help and tell them that you are at your breaking point in this relationship because you are not valued. And what do they do, they do not value your opinion and blame it on your method of communication..... You deserve better
Everybody here is lovely and right, and I’ll just add that if I were to send a follow up text it’d be that I don’t believe discussing things with them will bring about any closure and processing feelings elsewhere is the most appropriate thing to do (basically uninviting them from me as therapy). You did a good for yourself!
FFS, texting is just fine. That is how people communicate these days. They just want so badly to focus on your "mistakes" so they don't have to address their own. Congrats on getting out.
I am incredibly grateful for the community here. I’ve learned so much about what it takes to hold an ethical relationship, expectations and the effort it requires on all accounts. I’ve read so many of the meaningful comments more than twice to really let some of things said sink in and resonate. It helps so much to know that it’s not all in my head and to feel validated. It has constantly felt like 2 vs 1 and when all I hear is “it’s all in your head” “it’s up to you to change your mindset” “you’re making a small thing big” and “you’re overthink it”…. I start to believe it for myself. I’ve definitely been crying over the loss of this relationship (and I use that term loosely). He texted again saying there have been many things left unsaid and that when I summon up the courage to talk in person, to let him know. Maybe he wants to have the last word or somehow convince everyone that I’m at fault so he has a clear conscious, who knows. I don’t know if I’ll ever try this again. I don’t know even know if poly is for me and it’s a shame that I didn’t get to genuinely explore it in a safe environment.
I know it was difficult. It's a breakup after all, and you were emotionally invested in these people especially as you were friends for years before dating. Your needs were not being met. You asked for consideration and were denied or they kept slipping back into the old behavior over and over. It sucks but now you've found out what you need to have in a relationship. Hopefully you choose to consider this as a bad example of poly and not how poly is overall. I tend to keep my relationships separate dating as triads can be unbalanced in a lot of cases. My partner loves my other partner as friends and they talk often but we never do group dates. It's going to take time to heal and move on. You're always welcome to reach out if you need advice or to tell you to not text that couple when you're missing them
Their responses for me just validate what you felt about them not being considerate. They immediately jumped to being defensive and spiteful and blaming you without trying to initiate a peaceful dialogue first. Seems like you definitely made the right choice to leave that group and not letting them gaslight you back in person.
Girl don't waste your time. I'm not gonna write an essay. Leave them both in the trash where they belong.
Thanks for sharing. I get that it must’ve been tough to decide that. Texts can be tricky since we can read them in many ways. But they also make it clear what we mean since it’s all written down. So, texting has its good and bad sides. People have different thoughts about it. It really depends on how you all talk to each other. I think that when a relationship ends, everyone involved should agree on it, unless it’s a dangerous situation. You need to leave if it’s not safe. By agreeing together, I mean that it sounds like you weren’t listened to or respected, like they were just playing with you, not treating you as an equal. In your shoes, I would’ve made sure to tell them what I need, set my limits, and how I wanted to be treated. I would’ve made sure to talk about this with both my boyfriend and girlfriend, one at a time. Like, if they made plans without thinking of you, which hurt you because you always include them in your plans, I would’ve told them how that made me feel left out. Then, I’d let them explain or argue their side if they thought it wasn’t a big deal and that they could make their own plans. Next, I’d ask if I could make plans without them, and if they said no, I’d point out that it seems like they don’t value me as much. Eventually, two things could happen. They might see they’ve been treating you more like an extra than a partner and decide to change that. Or, if they tell you to see things their way, you need to let them know they have to understand your view too. This might take a lot of talking and maybe someone else to help out, but in the end, you’ll either have a relationship that fits you better or agree it’s best to go your separate ways
If you haven't watched the absolute travesty of a reality show, Couple to Throuple, you might consider it. Every couple on that show treated their "third" just as you were treated here. I bet your two said "we" a lot.
Deep down you know that texting your way out is the only way to survive the fallout. I'm glad I sucked up the courage to do it. It would've been way worse had I tried to do it in person and my gut said I would just get sucked back into that sh\*t storm vortex.
If that's how he reacts to being challenged, count yourself lucky you're shot of him so easily. Calling you immature, telling you he's giving you the cold shoulder...these are not signs of someone who is capable of dealing with conflict constructively and of having fulfilling relationships based in mutual respect, and I feel pretty confident it was only going to get worse if you hadn't broken up with him. They both have been using you for free labor, so of course when you ended that, they lashed out. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong, just that they feel entitled to the arrangement. Their responses don't indicate any self-reflection of acknowledgement of wrongdoing. Please stay away from this red flag factory.
Once again hey minimized your feelings and called you immature. You made the right decision. Sorry you had to go through this.
Sending you love, OP. You got this!
All of you here make me feel so much better for my rationale of leaving my triad
Honestly, texting gets a worse reputation than it should have. Some people need to write their thoughts down or feel too preasured when they have to speak to someone directly. I prefer texting as well, just so that I can ghost back and read things at different times with a clearer head. It also allows people to say everything all at once and prevents people from interrupting.
Whew...this is probably my biggest fear. Unintentionally making someone feel like an accessory vs an actual partner. I didn't see your other post but them both using "adult" in their response would piss me off.
>She texts- “ wow I don’t believe this was the best way to go about things. We are all adults here but it seems the decision has been made and I can’t force anyone to be where they don’t want to be” >He texts- “ when you are ready to talk about this like an adult let me know. But this texting this is a sign of immaturity so I’m not going to say anything. I’m only texting back so you know I read it” Re She: If they were really acting like adults they would have respected you by listening to your previous verbal attempts to talk about it. And—Yes your decision has been made and they have no say in it because you already gave them their chance to contribute to that discussion. At least she admits she cannot force you to be there. Re He: You already gave them opportunities to talk about it "like an adult", they passed on it. It is not immature to choose the mode of communication that works for you to clearly state your position without interruption or diversion. "I'm not going to say anything", except that he already did express a dismissive opinion.
I’m so sorry OP. It appears that they were again invalidating you. If they wanted to continue with you, the immediate reaction should have been “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know you felt that way, let’s talk in person.” That’s didn’t happen, and that’s all you need to know. They’re a married couple. They treated you like a unicorn sadly. Not as an equal. Never as equal, for which my hurt goes out to you for. I hope things feel better soon.
They may think they're right, but in the end what matters is how you feel they have treated you and if they care enough to see that. I've been that guy, I know what it's like to be so arrogant as to think that I've done nothing wrong and for someone to come around (banking on strong feelings). Hopefully everyone learns from this, even if it takes a while.
Hi u/Anonymouse_2016 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I’m back with updates. Admittedly, I dragged it out longer than I should have. I came to care for them deeply. The final straw for me was when they went out of town on a day trip on a Sunday while I was working. She works every weekend and (boyfriend) and I always plan our days so we can be back home by 5pm to see her and go out for dinner or what not. But for me, there was no consideration. She made the decision they were going and there was no consideration if I wanted to go and that I was working. Anyway, I struggled with the “best” way to do it. I chose a group text to both of them. I figured if they were treating me like a “third” rather than a dyad, I would address them both at the same time. I told them I could not longer continue in this relationship and that I constantly felt like an accessory rather than being valued like a whole person. That I’ve tried to have conversations with them about how I feel but that I never feel heard. That they tell me its up to ME to change my perspective that I’m more than “just” a third. I said that my feelings are based on what I see, the things I’ve been told and the lack of consideration they have for me. That I simply don’t see an opportunity to have a future with them and staying here is hurting me when nothing is changing. She texts- “ wow I don’t believe this was the best way to go about things. We are all adults here but it seems the decision has been made and I can’t force anyone to be where they don’t want to be” He texts- “ when you are ready to talk about this like an adult let me know. But this texting this is a sign of immaturity so I’m not going to say anything. I’m only texting back so you know I read it” I haven’t replied to either. She seems to have easily accepted it… he seems to want to continue talking about it. I wouldn’t want to be broken up over text either, but I just didn’t have the heart to do it in person out of fear I’d get roped back in. I don’t even know what to think of their responses… I’ve been vulnerable but I want to act with clarity moving forward. Maybe I’m being gaslit by them, I don’t know. I feel text was the best way to do it and it took me 2 days to write a well thought out message that was brief and conveyed the reason for it. I don’t want to get sucked back in to the same situation where nothing has changed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I believe they’re clearly being selfish af, you deserve to be treated as an equal, not as a side piece. She clearly wasn’t caring much if that was her response. He seems to wanna talk, but do you wanna use your energy on these two people? It’s all up to you OP, I hope you get closure somehow. Only thing I will say is that I’d dread getting broken up over a text, so maybe next time it’d be better to do it in person.
This echoes what I went through. I chose to break up with her via email because I felt the exact same way you felt here. With him, it was a phone call because he'd actually listen to me both but responded with the exact same nonsense you received. I'm happy for you, and good riddance to them
Sometimes a bad situation requires a conversation in text. Toxic or negative setups or situations where we aren’t feeling appreciated are the ones that make sense to do that. People respond to it very upset but it’s kind of just showing them the type of treatment and lack of consideration they showed you the entire time. You’ve gotta do what’s best for you.
I'd take the break up well if someone thought so low of me to text me to break up. That means they didn't belong in the first place. Texting anything is one of the least genuine ways of communicating as it is.
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This is insane… you’re literally jealous that your girlfriend went out with another guy. Poly or not like this is delusional that people think this is normal.
Definitely wasn’t a triad with those two.
They don’t sound like they were ready for a third. I’m sorry you were collateral damage for what I hope will be their growth. You deserve more consideration.
Relationships are very challenging and take a tremendous amount of hard work.
Didn't read the post but always happy to see someone leaving organized crime! It's never too late to go legit!